


Devil's Effect

by lpfan503, Penelope_Ink



Series: Devil's Series [2]
Category: Linkin Park
Genre: M/M, bennoda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2020-10-24 06:17:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 50
Words: 506,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20701313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lpfan503/pseuds/lpfan503, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penelope_Ink/pseuds/Penelope_Ink
Summary: [Part Two to Devil’s Drop] Finally safe from YRS, Mike and Chester hope to start creating a life both of them want. Relationships are reevaluated and rebuilt as they come to terms with their new freedom, close friendships, and what love really means. Bennoda. AU.





	1. The Hardest Part

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back! First off, we want to thank everyone who read Devil’s Drop. If for some reason you ended up here without reading that story, you have to read that one first or this will make zero sense. 
> 
> This first chapter picks up right where Devil’s Drop left off, and is more accurately called a “part two” rather than a sequel. As always, we appreciate your love and support of this and all of our other stories, both together and independently.

Chester paced back and forth in his kitchen, his mind flipping frantically from everything that was coming - going to Mark’s funeral, seeing all the guys from YRS again, seeing people from his past that he knew would show up to bid their boss a final farewell, comforting Ryan while he comforted Jason, watching as Amir would stand up to give the eulogy, and then there was the casket. He wasn’t sure if he could handle seeing Mark’s face again, a face that would have no life and expression behind it. _He’s gone. It wouldn’t be him anyway...just his body._

The thought brought Chester to a stop as he placed his hands on the countertop and looked out over the loft. It was a mess. Not just his life at the moment, and his swirling mind, but the loft was a literal mess. Over the last few days Jason and Ryan had both moved into the small shared space. It had gotten a little crowded for Chester’s liking when Mike had moved in with his art supplies and music stuff, but now it was almost suffocating. Gone was Chester’s prefered minimalist living conditions, replaced by bags and boxes worth of clothes and personal items. There was Jason’s expansive collection of nice dress clothes - which almost matched Chester’s current outfit count - and Ryan’s duffel bags stuffed with t-shirts and jeans. The couch was shoved against the windows now, and its place was the queen sized bed from Ryan’s apartment, smack dab in the living room. It wasn’t made, and Chester’s eyes narrowed at the sloppy blankets and pillows that needed to be tugged and straightened into place.

Chester stood himself up straight, running his hand over his neck and face before he took off around the bar. He would make their bed, and then he needed a drink. Something to calm his nerves. Even his legs felt shaky, like he’d had too much sugar, even though he hadn’t ate or drank a thing since he’d been up.

He glanced toward the open bathroom door as he went. He could see Ryan standing at the vanity, messing with his hair, and Chester knew Jason was in there, too. Probably sitting on the lid of the toilet, in misery as he waited for the time to tick by. 

But the bed was the next priority and Chester switched his focus to making it look neat and respectable, despite being in the living room for everyone who walked through the front door to see. _I’m not going to make it through this. There’s too much stuff. Too many people. All we do is trip over each other. And it’s so loud. I never noticed how loud Jay and Ry can be._ He shoved the negativity aside so he could straighten out the dark blue blanket and align the pillows neatly with at least a little peace in his head. It was almost relaxing to make the messy bed presentable. 

Mike watched his boyfriend from his seat at the table, the thought crossing his mind that he should go over and help Chester make the bed. _But it’s not our bed. That’s a little weird._ He sighed and went to push his hands through his hair before he remembered it was already styled for the day. He looked down at the blue and gray striped tie he was wearing with the light gray dress shirt and dark gray suit pants. It wasn’t black, but he didn’t have a black suit, so it was going to do for today. _Chester is already anxious and we haven’t even left the loft. Today is going to be a mess. Everyone around me is falling apart._

Not having Mark in his life wasn’t anything Mike wanted to dwell on for any length of time, but it was obvious that both Chester and Jason were not coping well with the reality of it, especially today. It made sense to Mike that Jason was grieving, but he still couldn’t wrap his head around Chester’s grief. But he knew that today was important for everyone in terms of closure, and whether he understood Chester’s feelings or not, he was going to be there for him. Mike patted down the front of his shirt and stood up to make his way through the mess of the living space to get to Chester.

“Can I help with something?” he asked softly, sliding his arm around Chester’s waist. “You know you haven’t eaten anything this morning, Ches. Maybe you’ll feel better with something in your stomach.” 

Chester didn’t stop. Mike’s arm was around his middle, but he kept going. He fluffed the next pillow before placing it against the headboard. “I’m not hungry,” he said. “I could use a drink, if you want to play bartender.” He paused long enough to glance over his shoulder, catching Mike’s dark eyes. “I’m just going to finish this and then I need to go get dressed.” He looked down at his pajama pants and the thin t-shirt he had on. 

Mike bit his bottom lip as he thought. _A drink. Already? I wish he had a better way to cope with his emotions than alcohol._ “You sure? On an empty stomach?” He really wanted Chester to rethink the drink, but Mike nodded his head and tried not to sigh. “Okay, well, what do you want? I’ll bring it up to you,” he offered, looking up at the loft bedroom. 

Chester scooted out of his boyfriend’s arms to get to the other side of the bed, smoothing out the blanket as he went. “You’re right. It’s breakfast time. I’ll take a screwdriver,” he decided more from instinct than actual thought. Screwdrivers were usually served with breakfast at YRS. “Orange juice and vodka,” he filled in, knowing his lover wasn’t the biggest drinker. He put the last pillow in place before he looked up. Mike hadn’t moved, and for a second, Chester thought about retracting his wish. Maybe he’d ask for a piece of toast instead, but the words wouldn’t come out. Instead he mumbled a quick “thanks” and he was off to the bedroom, ready to change into his black dress pants and white button up shirt. He already had his slim, black tie laid out on the bed, and a black fedora to go with it. He could wear fancy hats now that he had the right haircut for them. 

Mike barely glanced into the bathroom on his way back across the loft. _There is so much stuff in here. Once things calm down and everyone is thinking straighter, Ches and I need to be looking for our own place. Jason is being nice right now, but who knows how long it will be before he’s tired of sleeping in the living room and wants his space to himself. We really need to start looking. Soon._ He opened up the refrigerator and took out the juice, shaking it a little as he pulled down a glass to fill. Once he had the vodka in his hand, he contemplated the glass for a moment, unsure how much of each to add. He knew Chester wouldn’t flinch if the drink was strong, but he would be sure to say something if it wasn’t strong enough. 

_Ches usually does this. I’ll just guess at it, and hope for the best. I’m not a great drink maker. Brad would know. He made them all the time. I wonder how he’s doing. We haven’t seen him in a few days. I know he’ll be at the funeral. There will probably be a lot of people there I don’t know. I’m just going to hold Chester’s hand and stay out of the way. I’m just there for Ches._ Mike finished the drink and put the orange juice away before he carried it to the stairs, being sure to watch where he was stepping. He could hear Jason and Ryan talking in the bathroom, but they weren’t loud enough for him to hear what they were saying. 

Ryan stared at himself in the mirror. He’d been messing with his hair for the last thirty minutes, and for the last fifteen, he hadn’t really done anything to it. His shoulders slumped a little. It was almost time to go, and Jason wasn’t ready, that much Ryan knew. He’d watched as his boyfriend had gotten dressed, in his pressed dark suit and shined shoes, but Jason’s face still said, _I can’t do this._

Ryan turned from the vanity, his eyes ghosting over Jason’s slumped posture. “It’s going to be okay,” he assured him softly. He glanced out into the loft. He could see the empty table, so Mike had disappeared somewhere, but he had no idea where, which was okay. They were all cramped, and the bathroom was one of the few places that felt private. He took a step closer. “If we can get through today, then everything else will be easier. Today is the hardest, Jay, but it’s only going to last a few hours.” 

Without looking up, Jason reached for Ryan’s hand and clutched it tightly. “I don’t want to go.” All morning he’d been wrestling with thoughts back and forth, convincing himself that he could do it before the crippling anxiety hit him again. He knew Ryan would be there, but he couldn’t be the person Jason needed him to be out in public. It would be disrespectful to Mark to flaunt his relationship with Ryan, and that was what had him in the state he was in. Knowing he couldn’t just lean on Ryan made everything a thousand times worse.

The past few days had been busy enough with moving that the reality of a funeral had only been in the back of Jason’s mind. After the crazy last night at home, when they’d all gotten high together, things had been a whirlwind of activity. Selecting what he wanted to take and moving it all into the loft had been time consuming and mind consuming, leaving little room for thoughts of Mark to invade. But now there was no escaping from what had to be done. It was time to bury his husband, and Jason wasn’t sure he could hold it together. Though he’d been hiding his emotions for years, he somehow didn’t think he had the strength to do it today. Everything about this situation felt out of his control. He studied his black dress shoes and wished he could just disappear. 

Ryan squeezed Jason’s hand before he maneuvered around to crouch in front of him. “What can I do to help?” he asked. Every statement of assurance and bit of positive outlook he’d offered his lover so far that morning, seemed to fall on deaf ears. He flipped his wrist just enough to see his watch light up with the time. They still had over half an hour before they needed to leave.

There wasn’t really an answer to that question. Jason reached his free hand out to touch Ryan’s face, finally looking at him. “I don’t think you can do anything,” he answered honestly. “Just promise me that you’ll still be here when it’s over. I love you, Ry.” Jason could feel his throat starting to constrict with tears. “I loved him, too. At one time I was _in love_ with him, and it hurts. I… I just need you to understand that I don’t love you any less.” He wanted to explain himself better, but his emotions wouldn’t let him. It was hard to talk, especially about his twisted feelings for Mark. 

Ryan nodded slowly. “I know,” he whispered with a hard swallow. “And of course I’ll be here. Jay, I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead. “How about I give you a minute...I’ll get you a glass of water.” He kissed him again before he stood up and left the bathroom. He felt an ache in his chest as he headed for the kitchen. He knew that Jason loved Mark, in some way. They all did. But it was different for Jason. This was his husband, his business and life partner for the past seven years, and now he was gone. 

_I can’t totally know how he feels. I’ve never lost anyone like that, but it’s gotta be hard. Even if he was going to leave Mark, it’s not the same._ He took a glass down from the cabinet to fill it full of water, tugging at the dark dress shirt he had on as he did. He wasn’t used to dressing up, and everything itched. He hated the shoes he was wearing, with their tiny laces and no cushion to cradle his feet. The tie Jason had given him to wear felt like it was strangling him, and he felt lost in the dress pants. Usually his jeans were tight and form fitting, now he could move around with space to spare and it was awkward. _I’m hopeless. Jason’s in there with his heart broken and I’m pissed that I have to wear something other than jeans and a t-shirt._

Ryan paused in the kitchen, the full glass of water in his hand as he blankly looked across the loft. He was probably as opposite from Mark as Jason could get, and that was a thought that had played over Ryan’s thoughts before. How could Jason have been in love with Mark, but also be in love with him? Somehow it felt confusing. People have a type, and that’s who they gravitate toward, or maybe that wasn’t true after all. _Maybe it’s the person. Jay isn’t like anyone I’ve ever been with before but...he needed me._ He looked toward the bathroom, the sudden feeling that Jason needed him now, too, hit him, and headed that way with the water. 

By the time Mike’s feet hit the top of the stairs, Chester was already stripped down to his red underwear. Mike couldn’t help the sudden grin that hit his face, and he quickly tried to tone it down. It felt wrong to be smiling that big on a heavy day like today, but Chester’s tiny ass in his red underwear was too cute. “That didn’t take long,” he commented, gesturing at his boyfriend’s state of undress. “I brought your drink with me.” Mike held it out as he stepped toward the bed, ready to sit down and watch Chester get dressed. 

The screwdriver was a welcome taste, as Chester took a few sips. “I need to hurry my ass on,” he mumbled before setting the drink on the dresser top. He looked across the room at his open closet, where his outfit was hanging, ready to go. “It’s going to be weird,” he said as he walked over and pulled the pants from the hanger first. “There’s going to be a lot of people there...people you’ve never met. People I haven’t seen in ages.” He pulled his pants up, buttoning them shut before he reached for the belt that had been with them. “Past YRS boys.” He looked Mike’s way for a second, hoping that his boyfriend would keep himself together, before he turned to take his shirt from the closet next. Chester knew the funeral would be full of sullen faces, kind remarks, and lots of hugs - hugs from young men he’d worked with in the past. There would be pats on the back, and kisses to cheeks. There would be questions about life and, more than anything, about how all this had happened. 

Mike watched as Chester’s flames disappeared into his dress shirt. “I figured there would be a lot of people I don’t know. I’ll just stay out of the way. I’ll be right there by your side when you need me.” He knew he only had to make it through the afternoon, and then none of those people would be a consideration. YRS and everyone that came with it would be in their past. _Well, except Ryan and Jason. But once we move out of here, that’s in the past, too. Ches and I will move on and it will be like none of this ever happened._

Chester buttoned the sleeves of his shirt before he stepped to the bed. He picked up his tie and stretched it out, to get it over his head. He went back to the closet, and the mirror that hung on one of the doors. “I’m kinda looking forward to seeing some of them. It’s crazy how people show up in your life, and then they move on and you never know how things turned out.” He tugged and straightened and looped the thin silk tie till his knot was perfect and just high enough on his neck to pass as respectable. “And I won’t know everyone either,” he added in as he grabbed a pair of polished shoes and headed for the end of the bed. “Mark was a businessman before anything else. There will probably be lots of people like that there, who only knew that side of him.” 

“That’s so weird,” Mike said. “To think of Mark as anything but the… the person I knew him as.” He had to stop to choose his words carefully, knowing that saying anything negative about Mark now wouldn’t go over very well. “I wonder if any of those people know anything about YRS, or if that was Mark’s big secret. Seems like something he’d be proud of, you know?” Mike tried to imagine Mark before YRS and failed miserably. He could only see the boss exactly as he’d always been. Controlling, demanding, and relentless. 

Chester pulled his foot up on the bed to tie his shoe. “Mark wasn’t one to hide things that were successful, and YRS was successful. He’d tell people, but he’d say it different.” He stopped, twisting to face Mike a little better as he reached out and barely touched his arm. “You remember when we first met? And I told you that I worked in video production? Well, Mark would do that. He’d tell people that YRS was a studio and he hired models. He always made it sound fancy and upstanding.” Chester’s eye contact with Mike dropped to the bed, his bottom lip trembling. “He could make anything sound believable. Make it sound like what you wanted to hear.”

Mike reached out and rubbed his hand over Chester’s back. “Hey,” he whispered, “it’s okay, Ches. I know he said a lot of things, more than I know about or want to know about. You didn’t know.” He scooted closer and pulled Chester into a hug. “After today, it’s done. A chapter in the past.” Mike was sure that they would be able to move on from YRS, and he was ready to say goodbye to Mark and start that process. “Come on. You ready to go downstairs? I know we need to leave soon. If we’re all going at the same time.” He looked thoughtfully toward the stairs. Jason needed to be there early, but he didn’t know if he, Chester, and Ryan would be tagging along behind or waiting a little bit. 

Chester finished with his shoes before he stood up. He brushed himself off and grabbed his fedora from the bed. He pulled it on, and then picked his screwdriver up from the dresser. He took another drink, letting the feeling of the alcohol course through him. “I’m ready,” he said, motioning toward the steps with his glass. “After you.”

The downstairs looked like total chaos from the top as Mike led the way down. Standing by the bar, in the middle of all the boxes and bags of stuff, was Ryan, holding a glass of water. Jason was nowhere to be seen, and Mike looked toward the bathroom. The light was still on, but he couldn’t see Jason. _He’s a total wreck this morning. I don’t know how he’s going to make it through the day._ Mike paused at the bottom of the stairs for Chester to catch up. Ryan looked at them from across the room, and Mike didn’t know what to say. He looked uncomfortable, and Mike couldn’t help but think how strange it was to see Ryan in dress clothes. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pull up a single memory of Ryan in a tie. 

Chester was at the bottom of the stairs, nudging Mike to keep going. “Don’t worry, he won’t bite,” he whispered playfully in Mike’s ear before his attention turned to Ryan. “Are you guys ready?” 

“Ready?” Ryan repeated, watching Chester coming closer to him. “I’m as ready as I’m going to get.” He tugged on his tie. “Damn, wish I looked as good as you do in this stuff.” 

“Trust me,” Chester said, “I’ll be ripping this stuff off the moment it’s over.” He took a sip from his glass before he set it on the bar. He leaned a little closer to Ryan. “How’s Jay doing?” 

“I took him some water, but he didn’t want it,” Ryan answered as he looked down. “He’s struggling. It’s going to be a sucky day, Chazzy.” He let out a sigh, and without asking permission, he picked Chester’s drink up and took a sip. He’d been expecting plain orange juice, and his lips twisted to a smile at the splash of alcohol. “Oh that’s good. And so not fair,” he hissed lightly. “I want one.” 

“You can share mine,” Chester told him, nodding at the glass. “Not sure we have time to make another one.” 

Mike _almost_ made a comment about the drink sharing, but realized if Ryan was drinking it, then Chester was drinking less. He decided to ignore it, but he put both hands on his hips and looked toward the bathroom. “You should go get him out of there, Ryan. The last thing he’ll want is to be late. It gives the wrong impression. He’s probably not even thinking about that right now, but it’s important for him to be there first. He has to look everything over and then he’s got people to greet. The car to take him should already be waiting downstairs, so we need to get moving… and you’re the only one who is going to get him out of the bathroom.” 

Ryan felt a little stunned. To hear Mike talk, Jason was headed for a day at the office, with hands to shake and things to look after. _Seems so wrong. Jay’s the widower. He shouldn’t have to do anything but be sad. But he’s right about the time._ “Okay,” he whispered, before taking one last sip of screwdriver. He let out a long exhale, and pressed his hands down his front before he turned to Chester. “Seriously, do I look okay? I know it doesn’t matter, but I feel like a monkey in all this.” 

Chester was quick to slip his arm around Ryan’s shoulders, bringing him in for a side hug. “You look fine. Go get Jason so we can head out.” 

“Okay,” Ryan agreed again. He flexed his fingers before he pulled away from Chester’s embrace. He headed for the bathroom, and stepped in, just over the threshold. His boyfriend hadn’t moved. “Jay? You ready? Mike says we need to go if we don’t want to be late.” 

Jason took a deep breath and slid his palm down his black suit pants. “I’m not ready,” he stated flatly, “but we can go. Mike’s right. I can’t be late.” He stood up and looked in the mirror, mentally assessing how put together he looked. All eyes would be on him, judging his level of grief and how well he was handling it all. It was important to look put together, but not too put together. He had to be able to thank people for coming, to stand and accept the nice words people would tell him about Mark, without breaking down completely. He knew that he had an obligation as Mark’s husband to see that his life was honored today - that was most important. Not his feelings, his anxieties, or anything else. As it had been since they day they married, his most important role was that of Mark’s husband. Even though he wasn’t ready, he was determined he could at least go through the motions enough to get him through the day. 

He straightened his black tie and buttoned the top button of his suit jacket. Everything was in place. There was nothing left to do that would put off the inevitable. Jason turned around and took his first real look at his boyfriend, a soft smile crossing his face at the sight of Ryan all dressed up. “Thank you,” he mumbled, reaching out to smooth Ryan’s tie before he grabbed his hand. He knew that he needed to get all the comfort he could before he had to get into the car that had been sent for him and Ryan had to stay with Mike and Chester. He hated that Ryan would become just another employee coming to pay his respects, but knowing that his lover would be waiting for him when it was all over gave him a little bit of strength. “I’m following you, Ry. As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Ryan squeezed Jason’s hand, and led the way. He saw Chester grabbing car keys out of the corner of his eye as he opened the door and he and Jason stepped out into the hallway. He thought about saying something, another stab at sounding encouraging, but he didn’t. He knew Jason was in his head - in his own thoughts - as he mentally prepared for this, and Ryan decided to let him have his space and peace to do just that. _I’ve always been better at being the strong, silent type anyway._ The thought made him smile softly as they headed down to the elevator. He’d been in Chester’s building so many times he couldn’t count, and so everything was familiar. The hallway, the elevator, the light that shone through the large windows down on the first floor, and the parking lot where the residents left their cars without care. His eyes widened in surprise, though, when he saw the black Lexus that had been sent ahead of time, chauffeur included. The man was out, holding the door open. “Wow, in style,” Ryan said under his breath as he walked with Jason over to the car. 

Mike didn’t let Ryan get two steps closer to the Lexus before he reached his hand out and barely snagged the elbow of the other man’s shirt. “Hey,” he whispered as he held Ryan back a little, “you know you’re coming with us, right?” 

The feel of Mike’s touch was jarring, and Ryan spun around, looking from face to face before glancing back at Jason, who was speaking with the driver. “No,” he said, narrowing his eyes slightly. “I’m riding with Jay. He doesn’t need to be alone.” 

“You can’t ride with him,” Mike insisted, shaking his head. “The car is for family. Jason, and then they’ll go pick up Brad. And, well… it wouldn’t look right.” He looked at Chester for help, but he was looking at Mike in surprise. “You don’t want people to get the wrong impression, Ryan.” 

“Mike,” Chester said, his hand going to the middle of the little circle they’d made, “Ry is right. He should go with Jason. He’s not family, but he might as well be.” He looked over Ryan’s shoulder at the car, where Jason was now looking back at the three of them. “It will hurt Jay’s feelings if Ry doesn’t go with him. That’s a boyfriend thing, right? Being supportive and all.” He looked to Ryan, watching as he nodded in agreement. 

“Exactly,” Mike agreed. “It’s a _[boyfriend_ thing. And Jason is supposed to be a grieving widower, not a widower with a boyfriend.” He shook his head firmly. “Ryan, you’re riding with us. Jason won’t be upset, any more than he already is. This is just how these things go.” He was about to call Jason back over to help him out, but it wasn’t necessary. Jason was already headed their way.

He stepped up to their circle, right next to Ryan. “Okay, I’ll see you guys there. We’ve got to pick up Brad, but it’s on the way. The driver didn’t know he wouldn’t be here with me.” Jason shrugged one shoulder and looked at Ryan, but didn’t reach to touch him. “I love you, Ry.” He held Ryan’s gaze for a moment and then looked at Chester. “Make sure he’s okay for me.” Jason didn’t wait for a response, but turned and lifted his chin a little and squared his shoulders as he walked back to the car. As much as he didn’t want to, it was time to be on his own. 

Chester nodded in agreement, even though Jason was already gone, getting in the car. The chauffeur closed the door and rounded the Lexus to get back in the driver’s seat. Chester looked back at Mike, who seemed unphased and more determined, like they were on a mission as he swung around and headed toward Chester’s red sports car, which was across the parking lot. “Come on, I guess,” Chester whispered to Ryan, the two of them slowly moving to follow Mike. “I don’t think it’s right. You should have gotten to go with Jay.” 

“I know,” Ryan stressed, his heart still beating a little fast. “But you heard him, he agreed with Mike.” He looked ahead, watching as Chester’s boyfriend made it to the car first. “How did he know? Did they talk about it before? Jay didn’t say anything to me about not riding with him to the funeral.” 

“They must have talked about it,” Chester decided as he pressed the unlock button on his car keys. “They just forgot to tell us.” 

****

Jason stared straight ahead at the greenery and flowers everywhere. He’d already counted the number of white roses in the arrangements on either side of the casket, and now he was trying to identify the various plants that made up the greenery displays. A handkerchief was wrapped in his hand, and he’d been using it to dab at his eyes every once in a while. None of it seemed real. No amount of mental preparation had made him ready for the reality of standing for an hour to receive Mark’s friends. Everyone wanted to share their best memories of his husband, and each nice word layered one after the other on top of the guilt he was feeling until it was suffocating. 

Several times his eyes had drifted to Ryan, who was never far from Chester’s side no matter who else they were talking to. Sometimes his boyfriend had looked back, silently encouraging him with the brilliant blue eyes he loved. Other times, Ryan was wrapped up in a conversation he couldn’t hear. All Jason wanted was for Ryan to take him in his strong arms and protect him, but they were far from that moment. Amir was speaking, and though Jason wasn’t listening, he knew the words were straightforward and kind. 

He shifted in his seat next to Brad, who was openly distraught, and wondered if people thought he was less affected than his cousin-in-law. Jason hoped his detachment came across more as shock than anything else. He didn’t want to break down in front of everyone, and especially not in front of Ryan. _I know he said he understood, but there’s no way he could understand. I have a hard time understanding why I loved Mark. Why I still wanted his approval and his love, despite everything._ Jason felt the tears springing up again as he allowed his gaze to fall on the open casket, and even though he couldn’t see inside from where he was sitting, his mind pulled up Mark’s face from when he’d stood alone, whispering to him earlier. He’d looked relaxed, the way Jason remembered he could be when they were dating and first married, when they would take vacations and drink wine on hotel balconies before making love all night. Before things changed. Before Jason was emotionally trapped and Mark’s true colors started to show. 

_Oh, hon, it could have been so different with us. If you could have just left the boys alone and only loved me._ Jason felt the pinch to his heart as he thought about the number of people sitting in the very room right now who Mark had slept with. _All I ever wanted was to be the only person you wanted. I really tried hard for you, Mark._ He didn’t allow himself to think about starting the affair with Ryan, about falling in love with someone else. The guilt was easier to ignore if he focused on what Mark had done wrong, if he decided that Mark hadn’t loved him anymore and their marriage had been nothing but a business convenience by the time he fell for Ryan.

Before he knew it the service was over, and he was being led outside, a single red rose placed in his hands to hold while words were spoken graveside. He felt as though he were watching all of this happen to someone else through the lens of a camera. It wasn’t him feeling nothing but an aching emptiness. Jason Wakefield wasn’t standing at his husband’s graveside, watching him being lowered into the ground. He wasn’t the one standing back and watching numbly as so many of the YRS boys stepped forward to toss a single white rose on top of the casket. He wasn’t the one who stood longer than he should have, tears streaming down his face, before he knelt to the ground and added his red rose to the pile. None of it was him. 

Brad stood back, watching as his cousin-in-law knelt next to the grave. The loss of Mark had touched so many, and as he looked around, that’s all he could think. _These were your boys, Mark. They’re here, shedding tears for you. What will happen to them now? Chaz and Mike and Ryan. Even Amir and Devon and Caleb? And young Noah...they’ll be a little lost without you. And Jason. Oh, Mark, if you could only see how broken he is. He weeps for you, cousin._

Brad wiped his eyes before he headed for the place where Jason had sank to the ground, but hadn’t gotten up yet. Over the years, he’d watched Jason go from being another one of the boys, to being a touchstone in Mark’s life. The other half, when it came to personal affairs and business. He’d never mentioned it to anyone, but Mark spoke so fondly of Jason everytime he was alone with Brad. “He loved you,” he whispered as he crouched down next to his cousin-in-law, carefully putting his arms around Jason’s shoulders. “I know he had trouble showing it sometimes, and his temper could flare like the wild spirit he was, but he did love you.” 

The seconds ticked by, and even though Jason wasn’t saying anything, Brad could feel the other man’s anguish. “I saw you in the future,” Brad whispered. “Your heart will be happy again, cousin.” He turned his head, pressing a soft kiss to Jason’s face. “We’re all here for you, don’t be afraid to lean on us.” He offered Jason one last squeeze before he stood up, gazing into the ground, and the sea of white roses that covered the casket, the testament of the empire Mark had built.

Jason wiped his face with his handkerchief before he stood up, his legs and knees shaky. Brad meant well with his words, but somehow hearing his cousin-in-law remind him that Mark _did_ love him stung. It was hard to reconcile with the reality of how their marriage played out over the past few years. He turned away, unable to watch as the first shovel full of dirt hit the casket, the sound dulled by the layer of flowers on top. There were arms around him immediately to lead him away, and as Jason caught the familiar scent of Ryan’s cologne, a rush of gratitude swept over him. _He didn’t leave me. Like he promised._ Jason let his body sag into Ryan’s arms. “It’s done, now,” he mumbled in his lover’s direction, forcing his feet to move one in front of the other.

Ryan knew he couldn’t kiss Jason here, not with other people still around. The current YRS boys all knew, but Brad didn’t, and neither did most of the former employees, and the business associates that held Mark in such high standing. _I can just be a shoulder to lean on till we get away from here, that’s what Mike said, and he’s right. I don’t want to do anything that would embarrass Jay._ The word _embarrass_ stung a little, even though he’d said it to himself. “You did a good job,” he encouraged his boyfriend, just as they got to a group of people Ryan wasn’t sure he knew. In fact, he knew he didn’t know them, but Jason lifted his head and pushed a smile as he pulled away from Ryan’s light embrace. He wasn’t sure, but he could only guess they were people who dealt in property, maybe from the past or the present, he couldn’t tell as words like square footage and Mark’s name were tossed around. 

Ryan took a step back. Whatever the matter was, it didn’t have anything to do with him. He turned, automatically looking for Chester, and he found him only a few inches away. “I don’t know them,” he whispered with a nod toward the eloquently dressed pack of men, who had long coats and gloves on their hands, like they were worried they’d get dirty. 

Chester shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t know. But do you see that guy over there?” he asked, trying to motion over his shoulder discreetly. 

Ryan’s bright eyes glanced the way Chester was pointing, spotting a man dressed very much like them, in dress pants and a shirt, nothing as high end like the pack of real estate tycoons Jason was talking with. “No,” he said, his attention back on Chester. “Why?”

“He’s been watching us since we got here,” Chester whispered. “It’s kinda creeping me out.” He twisted around, just enough to see the man in question, and the moment he did, he was being waved to. “Shit. He wants us to go over there.”

“Maybe he was friends with Mark,” Ryan suggested. “It’s a funeral, surely it’s nothing bad.” 

“I guess so,” Chester agreed. He glanced around, looking for Mike, but when he spotted him standing with Jason, actually listening and participating in whatever conversation was happening with the pack of overdressed gentlemen, Chester decided _fuck it_. “Come on, let’s go see what he wants.” 

Ryan looked Jason’s way, but it was clear he wouldn’t be missed over the next few minutes, and so he followed Chester over to the stranger, who was standing by a ring of flowers, toward the back of where Mark’s casket was being buried. 

“Hi,” Chester was the first one to offer once they were close. “Were you calling for us?” he asked, gesturing between himself and Ryan. 

The man straightened his red and gold tie before he reached his hand out. “I’m Forrest Mullan,” he said, his voice coming out smooth and clean. “And it’s a pleasure to meet you both in person. Chester,” he said first, shaking hands, “and Ryan.” 

“So you know us then,” Ryan was quick to sum up. The name Forrest Mullan didn’t ring any bells, and as he looked the man over - his gray dress pants and medium build with a head full of thick brown hair that matched his mustache - he didn’t recognize him either, even close up. 

“I do,” Forrest said with a genuine smile. “I was an acquaintance of your late boss, God rest his soul,” he said, his voice dropping to a solemn tone. “I was very sorry to hear about his passing.” 

Ryan and Chester looked at each other before they both added their agreement. “It’s been hard,” Chester offered. 

Forrest nodded. “I’m sure it has been. Boys, please, don’t think badly of me for bringing this up now, but I’ve seen your work together, and I have a business opportunity I’d like to talk to you about.” 

The word _porn_ bounced through both Ryan and Chester’s heads, and Chester was the first one to say, “Oh, no thank you. We’re getting out of the business, now that Mark and YRS are gone.” 

Forrest looked over their shoulders, catching sight of Jason before he looked back at them. “I did hear through the grapevine that Jason will not be continuing, but that’s not what I’m offering. Here’s my card,” he said, pulling a black leather wallet from his back pocket. “I’m not in the adult industry. I run a clothing line, and I work with professional models.” He handed both of them a card, with gold leaf lettering on it. “I like the two of you together; it’s a good look,” he stated as he took a half step back and scanned them up and down. “I think you would be perfect for a line we’ve been having trouble finding good models for. It’s specifically geared toward younger men of your persuasion, and I think you two could do wonders for it.” 

“Modeling?” Chester mumbled as he looked down at the card Forrest had handed him. “Like, advertisements in magazines?” 

“That’s right, among other things.” Forrest watched as both Chester and Ryan took a moment to study the cards he’d given them. “It wouldn’t be anything like what you did at YRS. That’s not to say there wouldn’t be some more revealing shots taken of the two of you, but it wouldn’t be anything that couldn’t be seen in public.” Forrest let a beat of silence pass as he looked back toward Jason, and his eyes fell on Mike. “Chester, I know you have a boyfriend,” he stated gently, nodding toward Mike. “So you’ll need to discuss this with him. I’d love to work with you, but relationships can become problems if both people aren’t okay with the situation in this line of work. There’s been no lack of…rumor,” he said delicately, “about the conflicts Mike had with YRS. He has a reputation for being difficult, and I can’t have that in my studio.” 

Chester looked behind him, studying Mike for a second. It was true. Mike had caused more than one dramatic moment at YRS and with Mark. _For me. He always did it for me...because of me. But this would be different. It’s just modeling. No sex or anything._ He looked back at Forrest. “I understand. I’ll talk to him about it.” 

“Good,” Forrest answered with a wide smile. “I see a lot of potential with the two of you. Take a few days and think it over and then give me a call and we can set up a meeting to go over things in more detail, if you’re interested.” He checked his watch before he offered them a friendly goodbye and another round of condolences for their loss, and then he was off, heading across the cemetery and out of sight.

“That was weird,” Chester mumbled as he looked down at the card again. “Score Clothing And Apparel,” he read out loud before looking at Ryan. “Never heard of them.” 

“I think maybe I have. Score Clothing...I think I might have a pair of their jeans.” He grinned. “Models, Chazzy. He wants us to be real models! Can you believe that?” 

Chester shook his head. “No. I mean, is it weird he asked us at a funeral?” He looked across the green grass, toward where Forrest Mullan had disappeared. “But, maybe it’s because he knew we’d both be here.” He shrugged before he slipped the business card into his pocket. “Being a real model,” he mused for the first time, “that would be fun, and we’d get to work together.” He was already smiling before his expression dropped. “Well, if Mike’s okay with it. He called Sexy Boy _difficult_.” He clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. 

“Well, Chaz, you know Mike can get, well, opinionated sometimes. Outspoken. Brash,” Ryan rambled as they turned to head back to Jason and Mike, who were seemingly saying goodbye to the men they’d been talking to. 

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Chester sighed, bumping his elbow into Ryan playfully. “And he is all those things, but only because of how things were at YRS. You know, he’s protective.” 

“I know,” Ryan acknowledged. “Even though he tried to protect you from me, too, which is just fucking ridiculous.” 

Chester went to say more, to add in that Mike had been doing better with that as of late, but he was out of time. Mike and Jason were free, and a second later, the four of them were all standing together. 

Mike reached out for Chester immediately, pulling him close. “I think this is almost done,” he said, more to Jason than to Chester. “We can head out whenever you’re ready, Ches.”

Jason watched Mike and Chester for a second and longed to wrap his arms around Ryan the same way. It had been a long afternoon, but Mike was right. He had spoken with nearly everyone, and most of Mark’s business associates had already gone. When he looked around, he saw tight pods of former YRS employees, talking quietly and probably catching up. The thought that these boys had gone their separate ways, but had spent months or years at YRS being intimate with others, crossed his mind. There were even people he’d worked with that had come to pay their respects. It was an odd position to realize he’d never given some of them a second thought, and some he wished he had time to talk with and find out how they were really doing.

“Would it be strange to offer to meet up for a drink with everyone?” Jason asked Ryan, motioning his hands in a wide circle around him. “There’s so many people here that would probably like to chat a little more.” 

Ryan looked around, trying to follow exactly what Jason was saying. It seemed everyone who was left was an ex YRS worker, and that meant there could be gossip and conversation for days. “I think that’s a great idea,” he said, smiling to his boyfriend. “I’m sure we could all use a drink, and talking is never a bad thing.” 

“You and Chaz are good at spreading information,” Jason decided. “Why don’t you two walk around and let everyone know where we’re going? I really just want to sit down for a minute, then we can go. Mike, come inside with me. We can finish that discussion about Mark’s investments on the way.” Jason took a deep breath as he folded the handkerchief and slipped it in his coat pocket. “There’s so much I didn’t know about,” he mumbled in Mike’s direction.

“Sure,” Mike said agreeably, letting go of his boyfriend and moving to follow Jason. “Ches, we’ll meet you guys inside, okay?” 

Chester nodded. “Yup, we’ll tell everyone about meeting up, and then we’ll be there.” He spun away from Mike and clapped Ryan on the shoulder. “Come on.” They headed off, ready to say a second round of hellos to their old colleagues, and ones they only knew by their stage names, and as a bonus, they got to invite every single one of them out for a drink. 

****  
TBC


	2. A Public Problem

Mike sat in his old blue Honda in the parking lot of Red Pelican Music for a few minutes, looking at the steering wheel and thinking about how much gas he had left. The conversation he’d had with Chelsea, the owner, hadn’t gone exactly the way he’d hoped it would, but he didn’t blame her for being cautious when he’d showed up out of the blue a year after quitting with only four days notice. _I was really hoping that I could come back full time. I had five full days of lessons when I left. Tuesday and Thursday isn’t going to be enough to make any serious money._

He blew out a long breath, thoughts of work and paychecks, conversations he’d had in the past few days with Jason weighing on his mind. They were all out of work and used to bringing in far more than what he’d be making teaching two days of piano lessons. _I’ll just have to be ultra reliable and get back on her good side. She knows me. I never missed work, and I love teaching. When she trusts me again, it will be better. Until then, I’ll figure something else out. God, I hope Ches has good news._

They were meeting at a little sandwich shop close to the loft for lunch, and Mike didn’t want to be late. He knew they were all out looking for jobs today except for Jason, who was on his laptop at the loft updating his resume. He’d wanted to be able to say he’d solved one part of their problem, but it just hadn’t gone that way. With his mind set on a meatball sub, he started to navigate his way through L.A. traffic, on his way to fill his stomach with food and his worn down heart with his boyfriend. The last two weeks had just been hard on them all.

Mike was surprised he was on time when he looked at his watch after parking next to Chester’s sleek red sports car. His footsteps already felt lighter as he hurried inside and met Chester at the counter. “Hey, babe,” he murmured in Chester’s ear, kissing the side of his face and pulling him into a side hug.

“Hey,” Chester crooned back as he nuzzled his face quickly to Mike’s neck. “It’s about time you got here, I’m starving. I _need_ lots of ham and cheese right now.” He watched as Mike’s dark eyes lit up in amusement before they stepped up to the counter, and they both placed their orders. Two minutes later they were sitting down, and Chester could tell that Mike’s quest to get his old teaching job back probably didn’t go well. “So?” he asked, holding back his desire to stuff his face. “How did it go? You don’t look ecstatic.” 

“Not the way I planned,” Mike answered, picking at the wrapper on his straw as he spoke. “She offered me two days to start. Tuesday and Thursdays.” He sighed and stuck his unwrapped straw into his lemonade. “I mean, it’s something. But I think she’s hurt over how I left, and not telling her where I was going and all. She probably thinks I left for another music school and it didn’t work out. So she’s being cautious.” His lips dropped into a pout before he looked up at Chester. “I should have stayed in touch, or something. We used to be friends. She was pretty cool toward me today.” 

“I’m sorry, Sexy Boy,” Chester sympathized from across the table. “I would say you could make up some reason to tell her why it all went the way it did, but lying if you’re going to work there again is probably a bad idea.” He looked down at his sandwich. “So only two days a week...are you going to do it?”

“Yeah.” Mike looked out the window at the people passing by, and the cars on the curb with their Uber and Lyft stickers in the windows. “It will be good money on those days. And I don’t know. I was thinking I could drive Uber or something until she fills in my schedule. It would be better than sitting at home doing nothing. Jason is really worried about money right now, with everything tied up in probate. It’s killing him he can’t even get everyone their last paychecks. I know it would help us out a lot.” He looked back at Chester and started to pick up his sandwich. 

Chester nibbled off a piece of ham before he took a sip from his soda. “I know he’s worried. We all are.” He glanced out the window at the same cars Mike had just been looking at. “Your car’s...well, it’s a little old for Uber, don’t you think?” He looked back at his boyfriend, hoping he’d take that the right way. Mike’s car was paid for, which meant there was no monthly payment to worry over, and right now that was a good thing. 

“Probably.” Mike took a bite of his meatball sub and chewed while he thought it over. His car _was_ old, but it was clean. Maybe it didn’t matter. But as he looked out the window again at the people getting in and out of the cars that were shuttling them, he knew Chester was right. His car might pass in some parts of the city, but in L.A., where there was decent money to be made, he probably wouldn’t do so well. “It was just a thought,” he finally said, knowing his voice was a little dejected. 

“It’s a good thought,” Chester offered, and it occurred to him in that second that he could help. “You know,” he said, sitting forward a little, “you could use my car, if you want. I mean, if you really want to do the Uber thing for a bit.” He took a small bite of his sandwich, swiping his tongue over his lips to grab the stray mayo, rather than using a napkin. 

Mike raised his eyebrow, “Really? I’m not one hundred percent sure I want to do that, the Uber thing I mean, but I’d definitely be careful if I did that. I bet your car would get good ratings.” Mike sat back, his sandwich abandoned for a moment. “What about you, babe? Any good luck today?” He’d been so down about the piano lessons not going the way he wanted he hadn’t even asked Chester about his job search yet.

“Yeah, there was luck,” Chester said, after swallowing his bite of sandwich down. He’d yet to mention the modeling offer to Mike. After the funeral, they’d all spent a few days trying to pull the loft together, attempting to make it look less like a trash heap and more like the sleek space it was. But now it was time to be honest. He and Ryan had already met with Forrest Mullan, and as far as they could tell, it was a good deal. “I got offered a job, if I want it.” 

“God, that’s great news, Ches!” Mike was genuinely excited to hear about it. “Doing what? Is it full time? Is it close to home? Tell me about it,” he begged, picking his sandwich back up. His appetite had suddenly returned full force, and he was going to devour his meal while Chester talked. 

“Yeah, yeah it is great news,” Chester agreed, flashing a smile. “It’s for a company called Score Clothing and Apparel.” He paused, taking a deep breath. He was pretty sure he was going to have to admit to Mike that he’d gotten the job offer days ago, not hours ago. “Have you ever heard of them?”

Mike shook his head no since he had a mouth full of food.

“I hadn’t either, actually, until I met the owner. He wants me to come and be a model. You know, do, like, photoshoots and magazine ads. That kind of thing. He, he actually tracked me down at the funeral,” he admitted, his voice dropping. “He asked me and Ryan.” 

Mike swallowed and put his sandwich back down. “Wait. This guy talked to you at Mark’s funeral? That’s in poor taste.” He frowned and tilted his head, narrowing his eyes to look at his boyfriend. “And you _and_ Ryan? What kind of clothing company is this? He obviously knew that you two… worked together,” he finished. 

Chester nodded, his fingers mindlessly picking at the meat and cheese of his sandwich. “He knew Mark, so he wasn’t totally there just to talk to us. And yeah, he, he said he liked our look together and that he has a whole line of clothes that are geared toward people like us,” he stated, gesturing between the two of them. “He thinks me and Ry will be perfect for promoting it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, with everything going on, and we weren’t sure we were going to do it.”

“So you guys have talked about this,” Mike said. He sighed again and picked up his lemonade. He poked the straw with his finger and looked at Chester. “Just photos? You’re sure that’s all this is? If this guy knew Mark, then he knew what kind of work you and Ryan did together. And we all agreed, we’re not doing that kind of work anymore. None of us are.” 

The tone in Mike’s voice was stern and Chester sat back in his seat a little. “It’s not like YRS,” he assured him. “This is clothes. Forrest said that we won’t be doing anything that can’t be seen in public. It’s good money, Mike, and he said that if this goes well, then other companies will probably want to hire us for things, too.” He looked down at the table for a second before he grabbed his soda and took a quick drink. “Do you think you’d be okay with me doing it?” 

Chester’s expression pulled Mike back a bit. He didn’t like that his boyfriend felt he needed to ask his permission to accept the job, but he understood why his line of questioning was coming across that way. He set his drink down and reached across the table for Chester’s hand. “If you’ve done your research on this and you think it’s a good opportunity, I’m not going to tell you no, Chester. You can’t blame me for asking about the company, given the circumstances around the job offer.” He looked around and lowered his voice. “We made a decision together to be out of the porn business, and I don’t want you somehow falling back into it under the guise of something innocent. I’m just trying to keep you safe, I’m not trying to control you. If you want to do this, and it’s all checked out, then go for it. Every dollar is important right now.” 

Chester left his hand in Mike’s. “It’s not like that, I promise. And Ryan will be with me. If anything gets weird, we won’t do it.” He rolled his lips together. He was happy Mike was giving his blessing, but at the same time he could tell he wasn’t thrilled about the idea either. “And everything we do, you’ll be able to see. It’s all about promoting the clothes. Just think you might see me on a billboard somewhere.” He smiled, jiggling Mike’s hand. 

Mike knew that Chester was trying to reassure him by stating that Ryan would be with him, but that fact only made the uneasiness he was feeling grow. Still, he tried to smile and be supportive. “You think? That would be pretty awesome, to be able to point at a billboard of you and say, ‘that’s my boyfriend.’ I’d be really proud of you, Ches.” He pulled his hand back and pointed at Chester’s mostly untouched sandwich. “Let’s finish eating. My meatballs are getting cold, and you haven’t taken a real bite yet. I’m glad we’ve both got some leads. It will be nice to have something positive to tell Jason for a change.” 

“Yeah, it will be,” Chester agreed, even as he watched Mike for a minute. He wasn’t sure why it was a positive just for Jason. They were all in this together, for the moment anyway. Chester cleared his throat before taking another drink. “Ryan’s supposed to be telling Jason right now,” he stated before he picked up his sandwich. “I can’t imagine he’d object though.” 

“Probably not.” Mike was already thinking about budgets and calculations, his mind working on solutions to the problem of sharing the loft space. “See? It’s all going to work out, without YRS. We can save up some money while we’re all living together, and find a place of our own.” He flashed Chester a bright smile. “I promise I’ll work extra hard driving if you’re okay with me borrowing your car, and we can start looking next month. Four weeks isn’t too far away,” he concluded, happier thoughts of finding a nice little place for them to be alone drifting across his mind. “I’m excited, babe. It’s going to be so different to have regular, respectable jobs. We’re going to be just fine.” 

Chester didn’t want to mention that he’d never really doubted that things would be okay, but Mike’s word choice dug at him just a little. _Respectable. That’s what he wants. Well, this is going to be respectable. It’s not as much money as YRS, but he’s right. We all agreed we wouldn’t go back into that, and it’s for the better. Respectable. I never thought of YRS as not respectable...not with everything we had. Everything Mark gave us. But maybe it wasn’t respectable, at least not the way Mike’s thinking about it._ Chester picked up his sandwich. “You’ll love driving people in my car,” he said with a half smile. “You know how much fun it is.” He took a small bite, his mind drifting over to Ryan, hoping his conversation with Jason was going well. They’d talked in detail about the modeling job, and they were both ready to jump into it with both feet. 

“It will be fun,” Mike agreed. “I’m excited for us, Ches,” he said again. “I’m excited for this whole new beginning with you. It’s going to be great.” 

****

Jason sat back in his chair at the kitchen table and leaned his head back, his eyes focusing instantly on the view over his laptop. That view was the sole reason he’d begged Mark to buy the apartment years ago. Being confined to the house in the hills caused him to miss the ocean waves and air, and Mark was so eager to please back then. While YRS had been Jason’s answer to financing his college degree, falling for Mark had assured him that money would never be a concern again. _Until now. I hope Lloyd gets things sorted quickly. I hope when he finds Phillip, he wants nothing to do with any of it. I want to move on. I don’t want to worry about money. I don’t want to worry about being with Ry._ Jason checked his phone again, but there was no update from John Lloyd, Mark’s lead attorney.

With his back to the living room and the ocean in front of him, it was easy to ignore the chaotic state of the loft. _Ry and Chaz will be back soon with more of Ry’s stuff. I have no idea where we’re going to put it._ Jason sighed and closed his computer. He’d uploaded his revised resume and filled out online applications for various video editing jobs over the course of the afternoon, and he was tired. Tired and worried. His brief talk with Ryan about his offer to become a clothing model assured him very little. Though the job could end up being lucrative, it started out very modestly, and he himself had yet to get a bite on any of the inquiries he’d sent out. _Maybe Mike will have good news. Not that teaching piano possibly makes enough money. But it’s better than nothing._

As he was standing up to stretch his back, the sound of a key in the lock caught his attention. Jason turned to the front door just as Mike walked through. “Oh, hey,” he called twisting his chin to each side, stretching his neck. 

“Hey,” Mike replied eagerly. “Have you talked with Ryan? I know he and Ches were meeting up after we had lunch to grab some more of Ryan’s things from his apartment.” Mike set his keys and phone on the coffee table and stepped over to the kitchen. 

Jason’s gaze followed Mike to the cabinet, where he took out a glass and filled it with water. “I guess you know about the modeling,” he said, rubbing his neck with one hand.

Mike nodded. “Yeah, what did Ryan have to say about it?” He leaned against the counter and gulped down half the glass. He wanted to hear Ryan’s spin on what he and Chester had been told before he shared Chester’s side with Jason. 

“He’s excited,” Jason offered hesitantly, trying to gauge Mike’s feelings about the whole thing. “I guess he and Chaz met with the owner and talked things over. It’s a clothing company geared toward younger gay men. Sounds like they’d be doing some magazine spread work, and Ryan said there was a potential for it to turn into more… maybe with other companies? I wasn’t clear on that part.” Jason shook his head, trying to remember exactly what Ryan had told him. 

“Yeah, that’s pretty much what Ches said. That they’d be working together.” Mike’s lips twisted in a slight frown. “Did he tell you this guy approached them at Mark’s funeral?”

Jason let out a long breath and turned his back to Mike, walking the few steps to the window and looking out. “He did. I didn’t care for that part of the story.”

“Me either,” Mike exclaimed. “It felt a little sketchy to me. Disrespectful.” He watched the back of Jason’s head and noticed how his shoulders fell just a little when he uttered his opinion. “I was honestly surprised that Ches told me that part. He’s usually pretty good at leaving out the bad parts so I don’t freak out.”

“He does know how to put a positive spin on things,” Jason agreed faintly. Half-truths felt like something Chester had learned from Mark. “I told Ry it sounded like a good opportunity for them. They _are_ a photogenic couple.”

Mike’s ears pricked at the use of the word couple. “I guess you’d know,” he said, glimpses of Chester and Ryan’s YRS promo pictures flashing through his mind. 

Jason kept staring out the window. “They need to work. And Ry’s right. This could be a good opportunity. It will be hard to find anything that’s halfway decent when the only work history they have is porn. I’m sure that gap between finishing my degree and now isn’t going to do me any favors finding a job. This could be what they both need to find a new direction. Which is what we all agreed on that morning. Remember?” He turned and looked at Mike, who looked a little lost next to the bar.

“We talked about a lot of things.” Mike looked down at the floor, the last morning at the YRS house in the hills instantly came to mind. By the time breakfast ended that morning, their new found freedom looked alot like sharing the loft and looking for work, and all four of them agreed that their porn days were over. Even though Ryan and Chester didn’t have a lot to go on, Jason knew he could look for video work, and Mike instantly wanted to see if he could get back into teaching. “I only managed to talk Chelsea into two days a week down at the studio.” 

Jason could hear the discouragement in Mike’s voice. “Well, that’s better than nothing,” he offered. Mike had left the loft that morning full of energy and ready to get his old job back, talking about the great relationship he had with his former boss. He’d been so confident that he’d win her over. “It’s hard to explain taking a year off, isn’t it? Imagine how Ry and Chaz feel, trying to fill in a plausible reason for having no work history their whole adult lives. It would be easy for them to get porn work-”

Mike’s head snapped up. “No. We agreed.”

“I’m not saying they should!” Jason hurried to finish. “I’m just saying, you don’t look totally sold on the modeling idea. I can read it in the look on your face.” A half smile crossed his face as he saw the younger man’s surprise. “I know your expressions pretty well by now, Mike. Don’t be so shocked.”

Mike felt his cheeks turn a little pink under Jason’s gaze. “I guess so,” he mumbled. “I just want them to be careful. Some guy they don’t know offering them work together - knowing their history - _at a funeral_... it just seems a little questionable to me. And Chester can be naive about things.”

Before he could hold it back, Jason snorted a quick laugh. “We were all naive at one point, Mike. If we weren’t, YRS would have never looked like the solution to whatever problem we were facing at eighteen.” He closed the distance between them and patted Mike on the back gently. “They have us, you know. And we can keep them safe, like we discussed. But we have to be able to trust them at some point, you know? They have to have the freedom to make their own decisions. You have to stop worrying over every little thing Chaz does. If there’s one thing I know about him, he’s got a good heart. He would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. They’re going to be fine.”

“I _know_ him,” Mike said, setting his half-filled glass on the counter. “And I also know that he was quick to go along with everything Mark asked of him. He’s a people pleaser. I don’t know anything about this company, and I don’t want to have to worry when they’re at work. But you’re right. We need the money, and it doesn’t pay badly.” He closed his eyes and dropped his chin. “You’re right,” he said again. “I need to just trust him.”

Jason moved around Mike, swiping his laptop from the table. “You do. You need to be excited for them when they get back. It could be much, much worse. The next thing is hoping I get a hit… even part time would be something.” He bit back a sigh. “Because this is going to get old really fast.”

“You’re good at what you do,” Mike encouraged. “I’m sure you’ll get something soon. And yeah… it’s pretty cramped in here. I know it’s stressing Ches out a little. We were talking this afternoon about being able to move out in a month or so. We’ll start looking, as soon as we can save a little money.” 

Silence hit the loft as Mike rummaged around the kitchen and Jason packed away his laptop. With so much stuff sitting around, his valued computer could easily get lost in the mix and get stepped on, sat on, or worse - something spilled on it. They were all trying to be careful, but there was only so much they could do in such a small space. 

Thirty minutes later, and Chester and Ryan came through the door, both of them carrying boxes in their arms and bags over their shoulders. “Sexy Boy, I know you’ve never been to Ry’s apartment,” Chester stated as he let his box drop heavily onto the dining room table, “but he has less space than this and I think twice as much stuff.” He grinned at his boyfriend before turning around, just long enough to send a teasing tongue at Ryan. 

“I thought I had everything thinned out,” Ryan grumbled, setting his box down. “Or maybe I subconsciously kept all this stuff just waiting for the day when I could move in here with all of it to torture you, Chaz.”

“Please,” Chester smirked, “like I’m that important to you.” He turned his attention back to Mike, slipping behind him and kissing his neck. “Want to do something fun tonight?” he whispered. 

Mike’s attention was immediately on his boyfriend and what the soft kisses to his neck implied. “Mmmm, like what?” he asked, turning away from the new piles of Ryan’s stuff to face Chester. 

“Well…..” Chester hummed a little slyly as he took Mike by the waist. “We got invited to go bowling. Sounds fun, right?” 

“Bowling?” It was not the answer Mike was expecting. “Well… I guess so.” Their new living arrangements were tight, and combined with the high emotions of the last week, it had been a while since the two of them had been intimate. He wasn’t just a little disappointed that Chester’s suggestion was bowling. “Who asked us to go bowling?”

“Devon and Caleb,” Chester answered as he leaned back, and then let Mike go. “It will be fun. We can go bowl and be really bad at it, and eat bowling alley food.” He gave Mike his best smile and pleading eyes. “Come on, Sexy Boy, we need a good night out.” 

“Devon and Caleb,” Mike repeated, his eyes narrowing a bit. “I didn’t know you were still talking to them.” 

Chester shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“I just, well…” Mike struggled for a minute, glancing over at Ryan and Jason, but they didn’t say anything. “I guess I just didn’t think about it. They were part of YRS, and YRS is done.” 

“I’ve known Devon for a long time,” Chester answered honestly. “Caleb, not so much, but they’re together now, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. You get along fine with them...right?” He could feel his excitement waning a little. He hadn’t figured on Mike objecting to going just because of who had invited them. 

“They’re fine,” Mike said. He looked at Chester for another second before what he’d said registered. “Together. Like, a couple? Together?”

Chester nodded. “Yeah. I’m happy for them. I mean, I saw it coming,” he said with a bit of pride in his voice as he touched his chest. “I caught all the little signs, and Mark didn’t want to split them up because he saw it, too, so yeah. It will be a couples thing,” he added, motioning between the two of them. 

“A couples thing,” Jason said slowly, wondering when Mark had talked to Chester about Devon and Caleb. A familiar feeling of jealousy toward Chester hit him at the thought of his husband talking about their employees with him, but he had other things to worry about right now. It dawned on him that he and Ryan were a couple now, free to be together out in public. _But not really. It’s way too soon for that. I don’t know if I’m ready to go out yet._

Mike let the idea sink into his head. His main issue with YRS had always been the casual sex. _But if they’re together, really together, then I’ve got no reason to say no. They turned their work relationship into something else. And Ches is always trying to tell me that work was just work and no feelings._ He was trying to figure out where he stood on the whole idea. There was only the very limited experience he had with Jason that supported Chester’s theory that work didn’t mean anything. Everything else seemed to point to something bigger, and Mark seemed to have always had a hand in it. “I guess it’s fine. I’ll be fine.” 

“Come on, you’ll be more than fine,” Chester mused playfully. “We can get nachos.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “With lots and lots of cheese and then we can get random other stuff to dip in the cheese. We’ll have cheese for days, Sexy Boy.”

Chester knew him well. The way to get him to agree to most anything was to offer food, and melty cheese was at the top of the list of best food groups in Mike Shinoda’s book. “And jalapenos?” Mike asked hopefully. “I’ll go if we can get nachos.” He couldn’t help but smile, thoughts of Devon and Caleb and relationships gone as he pictured Chester with cheese on his fingers. “You’re right about needing to go out. It’s claustrophobic in here.”

“Yes!” Chester cheered, clapping his hands together before bouncing forward to place a sloppy kiss on Mike’s cheek. “I already know what I want to wear!” His eyes went over Mike’s shoulder to see Jason and Ryan standing close, talking. “Ry? You guys going?” 

Ryan pulled his attention from Jason for only a second to glance at Chester before he said softly, “We don’t have to go if you’re not up for it.” 

“Chaz is probably right,” Jason said after another moment’s thought of couples and what was proper. “It will be good to get out of here for a few hours. I’m no good at bowling, but that’s part of the fun, right?” He knew it would make Ryan happy to go out, so it wasn’t hard to say yes. They all needed a break from the space and the realities of the past week. 

“Yeah, that’s part of the fun,” Ryan encouraged before he spun around and told Chester they’d be going, too. 

“Awesome,” Chester said, pulling his phone from his pocket as he headed across the space. “I’ll tell Devon we’re all coming. We’ve got, like, two hours before we’re supposed to be there.” He wasn’t really talking to anyone in particular as he texted while he walked. He had an outfit to put on, and a shower to take - not in that order. He wanted to paint his nails and maybe even toss on some eyeliner. It was going to be a fun night, he could feel it, and he wanted to look his best for it. 

Mike looked at Jason and Ryan and shrugged his shoulders. “Of course he knows what he wants to wear. If one of you guys needs in the bathroom, you better beat him to it. He’s a bit of a shower hog when it comes time to get ready to go out.” He decided to follow Chester, heading up the stairs to see what his boyfriend had in mind, hoping a flannel and jeans would be okay. 

****

“Look at you, you sexy beast!” Devon shouted from across the bowling alley as he and Caleb walked up to meet the others at the counter. It had been a week since he’d seen Chester and the others, and even then, everyone had been dressed in black and mourning. Now he was relieved to see Chester looking dolled up and ready to have fun. “I love the eyeliner,” he cackled as he ghosted his gaze over Chester’s black-rimmed eyes that seemed to pop, and the tight white t-shirt that hugged his body. He had on black and gray checkered pants, and tennis shoes that matched, and a spiked collar around his neck. “And what’s this?” he asked, stepping closer, one finger going out to almost touch one of the shiny spikes. “Is this the infamous collar?” 

“Shut up,” Chester teased as he shoved Devon on the chest. “I’m in a mood, and besides, it matches my outfit,” he stated, spreading his arms out like he was showing off. 

“It looks kick ass on you,” Devon stated and Caleb was quick to agree. “So glad you guys could come,” he said next as his attention flipped to the rest of the group. “Jason,” he said with an extra nod. He turned to look at Caleb, the other man’s bouncy blonde curls making him smile before he said, “get your shoes. We’re on lanes nine and ten.” 

Mike tried to tap down the bubble of possessiveness that popped up when Devon complimented the collar. _I’m going to be good this time. Not like last time he wore it around other people. Besides, he’s doing it for me. He knows how fucking yummy he looks. And it’s been forever._ He bit down on his bottom lip and reached to pull Chester up the line to get shoes. “Kick ass isn’t the words I’d have chosen,” he whispered in Chester’s ear. “You look totally hot. I feel like it’s been an eternity since we’ve gotten to be together. This is all just a big tease.” He reached up and gave the accessory a light tug. Nothing too hard, just a ghost of a reminder. 

The moment Mike’s fingers slipped between his skin and the collar, Chester’s body was on alert. “Mmmm,” he purred close Mike’s ear. “You’ll have to do that more later. And I know,” he agreed, his sexy hum vanishing for something more distraught. “We need to sit down and make a sex schedule for the loft.” He pressed his lips to Mike’s face before he turned and stepped up to the counter. The shelves behind the bowling alley employee were lined with red and yellow shoes, all of which looked goofy, like they belonged on a clown, not with his sexy outfit. Chester’s expression slumped just a little as he rambled off his shoe size. _I should have worn something to match these ridiculous shoes instead...but what the hell would look good with these?_

Ryan watched as Mike and Chester got their shoes, and all the little kisses and touches as they did. He dropped his eyes to the side, looking at Jason. He took a deep breath, and slid his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, letting his fingers gently caress the fabric of Jason’s striped Polo shirt. 

The moment Ryan’s arm went around him, Jason’s eyes darted around the bowling alley in a panic. He felt terribly uncomfortable, as though he were doing something very wrong. _It didn’t feel like this before… when we were out together it was fun. But now… what if someone sees us? What would people think? They’d think I didn’t care. Or that I had something to do with the accident._

Jason took a small step away, looking at Ryan as his boyfriend’s hand slid from over his hip to the center of his back. “Ry, we shouldn’t do that here,” he whispered, his eyes wide.

Ryan’s mouth fell open slightly as he tried to understand. “Shouldn’t do what?” He’d put his arm around Jason, not tackled him to the floor to make out. He glanced around, but no one was paying them attention. Mike and Chester were still at the shoe counter, debating with the guy over half sizes for Mike, and Devon and Caleb were across the long room, down at the lanes. “What’s wrong?” 

“You know,” Jason insisted, wiggling away a little bit more. “It’s too soon to be touching out in public, don’t you think?” He took a deep breath. “Let’s just be less obvious, okay?” His heart was pounding from the anxiety, and it was almost as bad as if Mark were going to pop around the corner and see them. 

Ryan could hear the strain in Jason’s voice, the worry in his eyes. “Okay,” he agreed, even as he stuffed his disappointment away. He caught Chester and Mike leaving the counter out of the corner of his eye, and he waved his arm that way. “Our turn,” he said, waiting for Jason to go in front of him. _I can’t put my arm around him. I didn’t think that was anything obvious. I put my arm around Chaz all the time and it doesn’t mean anything._ He let out a sigh, deciding not to make a big deal out of it. He wanted Jason to have fun, and he was going to do his best to try and make that happen. 

“I still think these are the wrong size,” Mike complained, holding the shoes he’d been given up in front of Chester as they walked over to Devon and Caleb. “I haven’t been bowling in forever, but I still think that guy was wrong.” He looked around at everyone in their clumsy looking shoes and made a face. “There’s something weird about wearing shoes someone else’s feet have been in, too. I have to not think about it,” he decided, ignoring the look of amusement on Chester’s face. 

“They’re borrowed, Sexy Boy,” Chester laughed as he plopped down in one of the green plastic chairs that was down around the lanes. Devon and Caleb were sitting just in front of them, at the score takers station. “None of them are going to fit just right,” he told Mike, as he slipped off his tennis shoes, one at a time, tucking them under his seat. 

“I know that,” Mike grumbled, copying Chester’s motions. “I should buy bowling shoes. For the next time we go.” He rolled his eyes as he tied the laces on the first shoe. “You know, with all the money I’m gonna make teaching two days a week. Bowling shoes sound like such a smart investment.” 

“I wasn’t thinking about the money,” Chester admitted with a chuckle. “I was thinking don’t you dare bring anything else into the loft right now.” He leaned over, nudging Mike’s arm before he looked up at the electronic scorecards on the monitors. Devon and Caleb were punching in their names: Chazzy Chaz, Sexy Boy, Dev, Blondie, Jason, and Ry-Ry. 

Chester covered his mouth to keep himself from bursting into laughter. “Ry-Ry,” he giggled. “Ryan’s going to kill them for that.” He twisted around to try and spot their two missing companions, but Chester couldn’t see them from their lower position by the lanes. 

Mike glanced up at the scoreboard. “Sexy Boy?” he read aloud. “Ches,” he whined, picking up his other shoe and stuffing his foot inside, “they put Sexy Boy on the screen for everyone to see!” 

Chester glanced back up at the names. “So what?” He turned back to his boyfriend. “They know that’s what I call you. See? Mine’s up there, too. It’s just for fun.” 

“Fun,” Mike mumbled under his breath, glaring up at the scoreboard. “Fine.” He stopped complaining as Jason and Ryan made their way over to the group, bowling shoes in hand. _They could have just put Mike, the way they put Jason. Sexy Boy is special. And they all know how much Chazzy drives me nuts. I’m literally the only person here who calls him Chester._

Jason sat down on the other side of Mike and quietly slipped off his shoes. Ryan had stopped to say something to Chester that he couldn’t hear. _It’s been ages since I went bowling. I can’t even remember the last time._ He looked around the space they were all occupying and then at Mike. “What’s wrong?” he asked, amused by the look of distaste on Mike’s face.

“I’m the worst bowler,” Mike said, gesturing to the clown shoes. “And these shoes make my feet look huge.” 

With a light laugh that surprised him, Jason said, “me, too. But Ry and Ches seem pretty confident.”

“Nothing new about that,” Mike replied, standing up. “Hey, babe, can we play teams?”

“Teams?” Chester repeated. “Where’s the fun in that?” He twisted in his seat, and Ryan was already agreeing. 

“Chazzy’s right. It’s cutthroat. Everyone for themselves,” he said, before he leaned back to look behind Chester at Jason. Part of him wanted to retract his statement, and champion the idea of couples teams instead. “Or,” he said a little slower, “we could do three teams of two. Couples against couples.” 

“Couples?” Chester whined, spinning around, but stopped the moment he saw Ryan staring across the row of seats at Jason. He let his shoulders sink. Teams wouldn’t be as fun - wouldn’t be as competitive - but maybe this wasn’t the time or place for that. “Yeah, I guess that’s okay if everyone else is into that.” 

Caleb and Devon were quick to hop on the couples’ train, and soon Chester was dragging Mike by the hand to go pick out just the right bowling balls. “After we do this, we can get some beer and nachos,” he stated as he walked down the line of house bowling balls, stopping at every other one to stick his fingers in the holes and test the feel and weight. “I hate the black ones. I want a bright pink one,” he grumbled as his eyes skipped down the line, searching. 

“You know, the color doesn’t matter. It correlates to the weight,” Mike said seriously. “I mean, I know you want a pink one, but aren’t those really light?” He looked around and touched a few balls before ending up with a lime green one. “I don’t have the first idea how you’re supposed to pick these. But this one seems okay.”

“Color always matters, Mike,” Chester mumbled as he took a few more steps away. He’d tried the green one, but the holes had been too big for his fingers. Now he was faced with one of the boring black balls, even though the one he was looking at felt like a good weight and grip. “Just go with what feels right.” He picked his ball up and nodded toward the lanes. “You ready?” 

With a deep breath, Mike nodded. “At least I have you to make up for my lack of skill. We make a good team, Ches.” 

“Last time I bowled, I got over two-hundred,” Chester stated with a grin. “Hoping I can do at least that well.” He let Mike lead as they stepped back down where the lanes and ball return were. Devon and Caleb were already up, debating which one of them would go on which lane. Chester sat his ball down before he looked around, not spotting Ryan and Jason. “You want food before we start?” he asked Mike, his eyes skipping over to the counter where all the snacks were served. 

“You know I want nachos,” Mike answered. “That was the whole reason I came.” He flashed Chester a smile before he looked over at the same counter. “Now or later, doesn’t matter. As long as there’s jalapenos. Maybe we should do the first round and then go get them while everyone else goes?”

Chester nodded, even though he really wanted a beer now. But he could wait. “Alright, well, hurry up, you two,” he said, directing his voice toward Devon and Caleb. “I want to see at least one of you throw a gutter ball.” He had to snicker at the look Devon tossed him over his shoulder before he sat down next to Mike. “I have no idea how Caleb bowls,” he whispered into Mike’s ear. “But Devon’s pretty bad. I bet we can beat them.” 

“Don’t make fun of gutter balls,” Mike whispered back. “I’m pretty sure I bowled a forty-three the last time I did this.” He scowled at his green ball, thinking how pathetic he was. “Maybe Caleb is worse than me, but I doubt it. That’s why I wanted teams.” He blushed a little as Chester narrowed his eyes at him. “I know, I’ll ruin your score.”

“Hopeless, Sexy Boy, that’s you,” Chester said, his expression going soft just as he heard the sound of bowling balls hitting the alley. He leaned forward, watching as Devon got three pins and Caleb got five. “Whoo-hoo!” Chester shouted, arms in the air as he grinned. “Good start, boys.” 

Devon was quick to flip Chester off as he stood at the ball return. He looked over just in time to see Ryan and Jason returning, both of them adding their chosen balls to the roundabout return. “You guys are after Mike and Chaz,” he said, just as his ball popped up from the underground tunnel track. He scooped it up and headed back to the arrows on the floor, attempting to line his shot up. 

Jason nodded, even though Devon wasn’t looking. “Totally ready,” he added. The bowling alley was loud, with shouts going up at regular intervals from other patrons who were getting spares and strikes and talking trash with their friends. He forced a smile as he sat down, close to Ryan, but not touching. “Glad we’re playing teams,” he mentioned to his boyfriend. “It takes some of the pressure off.” 

“Pressure to win?” Ryan asked, even though he was pretty sure that was what Jason meant. Bowling was a sport, after all. Wanting to win and do well was all part of it. “We’re just friends here. It doesn’t really matter, in the end.” He shrugged just as a loud hoopla erupted two lanes away as someone got their third strike in a row. 

“You know. Just pressure to be good at it.” Jason looked out and watched Mike pick up his ball, getting ready to take his turn. “I don’t like to look stupid in front of the boys.” It took him a second to register what he’d said. _That’s not what I meant. Or maybe it is. This is all so different than what I’m used to. What we’re used to. I know we’re all friends._ “I don’t know why I said it that way. I only meant I don’t like it when I’m not the best at something.” As he watched Mike, Jason realized maybe he wouldn’t be the best, but he certainly wasn’t going to be the worst. Both of Mike’s first attempts ended up in the gutter.

“Sexy Boy, it’s okay,” Chester tried to encourage, trying to hold back his victory dance over the nine pins he’d gotten. “The first shots are always warm ups.” He was quick to open his arms and give his boyfriend a quick hug, rubbing his back. “Come on, let’s go get a drink. It will make you feel better.” 

Mike rolled his eyes. “Will it improve my aim? I don’t know how you did that.” He wasn’t too upset over it. Chester’s hands on his back were welcome, and the thought that the worse he did at bowling, the more Chester would want to comfort him crossed his mind. Mike tried to hide a little smirk as he thought of the kisses and consolation back rubs he’d receive every time he missed. “You make it better. You and nachos.” 

Chester pulled back, his eyes shining as he smiled. “Me and nachos. That’s right. That’s all you need.” He leaned in, plopping a kiss to Mike’s lips, that lasted a little longer than he’d intended. His fingers were gripped to Mike’s hips, hidden under the open flannel shirt his boyfriend had on. “Aim is one of my gifts,” he purred. 

“You’re not wrong about that.” Mike felt his entire mood lift after they kissed. “Let’s go get some cheese. See? I already don’t care about the game. I just want to lick cheese off of you.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and laughed. “Nacho Ches.” 

The comment and silly name made Chester laugh out loud. “You can lick it all off me,” he stated happily as he spun Mike around. “Let’s go buy all the cheese,” he sniggered before leading the way to the snack counter. 

“Looks like we’re up,” Jason said, poking Ryan on the thigh. “Wish me luck. Us luck. Maybe I’ll get a few down.” He picked up his red ball and looked down the lane. 

Ryan watched, his thoughts flipping between wishing Jason luck and feeling left out of the flirty foreplay that had just left the area with Mike and Chester. _I’m being selfish. I know Jay’s not ready, but it would be nice if we could be like that. I really thought we would be. I thought that was how relationships worked. _ He made a face at himself, hating just how inexperienced he was, despite his age. _Maybe it’s just them,_ he thought briefly before he looked across the seating area. The lighthearted flirting hadn’t left with Mike and Chester. Devon and Caleb had their own thing going on, with touches and giggles and banter. 

A moment later and Ryan heard the sound of pins being knocked down. He spun his head around to see Jason standing stockstill at the line, his hands half over his mouth as he stared down the lane at the six pins he’d just managed to get. “Jay, that’s great!” Ryan cheered, getting to his feet. “That’s more than half!”

“Yeah!” Jason finally said, looking at Ryan with a grin. “Looks like I’ve got some luck today. The good kind. Must have been all you,” he added, his heart warming as Ryan’s expression changed. It was going to be a better evening than he thought when they left the loft earlier. _Maybe I’ll hit some more._

He plucked his ball from the return and lined up another shot, but it rolled right through the space his last shot cleared. “Oh well, at least I got six and there’s not a big fat zero up there next to my name.” Jason looked at the scoreboard as Ryan came closer to retrieve his ball and take his shot. 

“You did good,” Ryan offered. He was tempted to peck a kiss to Jason’s cheek, a real congratulations to his boyfriend, but he didn’t. Instead he stepped on by him and picked up his ball, ready to send it down the lane, and smash it into the pins. He placed his feet in his practiced spot, and in one smooth motion he stepped forward, swung his long arm, and released his ball. He watched it barrel down the alley, and strike the head pin, sending the pack flying in all directions in a strike. He spun around, his arms already in the air. 

“Nice!” Jason called from his seat on the bench, his smile wide. “That looked totally easy!” He almost stood up to offer a congratulations hug, but something inside stopped him. He watched Ryan dance for a second, his hips moving back and forth in celebration, and laughed despite his own awkward hesitation. Jason put both palms up in the air for a double high five as Ryan got near. “Excellent shot, Ry! Maybe you can do it again, you’d be in first place for sure!” 

Chester’s mouth was already hanging open as he stepped back down where the seats were, an open beer bottle in one hand, and a dish of drippy nachos in the other. “Did you seriously get a strike?” he asked, even though he’d seen it happen from across the room, and had already jumped up in the air to cheer for his friend. “You’re such a bowling shark.” 

“I did!” Ryan told him, and before he could help himself he had his arm around Chester, lifting him just slightly from the floor in his excitement as he hugged him. “So going to kick your ass this time.” 

“You’re going to spill my beer!” Chester laughed, feeling his feet touch the floor again as he was let go. “And hell no you aren’t.” He glanced up at the scoreboard before he looked at Jason, who was still sitting, watching. “Six is good,” he offered. “Go on, you two,” he stated nodding toward the lanes as Devon and Caleb were just getting up from the chairs. “I want it to be my turn again.” He glanced over his shoulder, before he headed back to one of the tables, just on the other side of the green seats, so he and Mike could eat till it was their turn. 

Mike’s concentration was on the nachos and not the game, but he hadn’t missed the celebration and banter between Chester and Ryan. He waited for his boyfriend to sit down before he casually said, “you think we’ll beat them?” He pointed the fork he was using to spear jalapenos onto his nachos at the scoreboard. “You’re over there talking all big, and you forget I’m the king of gutter balls. Maybe you should bowl for me,” he concluded. “I’ll eat nachos for you, and you bowl for me.” 

“I’m not bowling for you,” Chester told him instantly before he lapped a gooey nacho into his mouth. The cheese was warm and melty, and his eyes fluttered as he moaned just a little. “Fuck, these are good.” He swiped his tongue over his lips, licking it extra hard over his piercing to make sure no cheese was left behind, before he went for another chip. 

Chester’s tongue caught Mike’s eye. “They are good. But they don’t taste as good as you look.” Mike reached out and caught Chester’s hand before he snagged another chip. “You better be careful licking all that cheese off your lips, Ches. That might lead to something else… I might not be able to keep my hands to myself.” He looked from Chester’s lip ring to the collar and then back to the dark eyeliner his boyfriend was wearing. “I know I already said it, but you look fucking hot tonight.” He let go of Chester’s wrist and let him pick up another nacho. 

“I’m offended, Sexy Boy,” Chester teased, something ornery in his voice. “Aren’t I _fucking hot_ every night?” With his chip poised in the air, and leaned closer. “Open up,” he whispered, his eyes wide as he waited to see Mike take the bite from his hand. 

Mike nodded, opening his mouth for the cheesy chip. Chester’s eyes were dark and it was easy to recognize the arousal in them after being together for so long. He swallowed down the bite and closed the distance between them as he said, “you _are_ fucking hot every night, but we haven’t been alone in what feels like forever. And then you go and put that collar on, and I swear I’d love to bend you over this table right now.” 

Chester’s lips almost reached his eyes. “I’d go for that. Maybe not here, but...there’s always the bathroom.” He turned his head, ghosting his lips over Mike’s earlobe and his hoop earring. He made sure to slide his free hand up his lover’s thigh, squeezing him gently, just before he heard Ryan calling his name. 

Chester pulled back, his attention shifting to the lanes. Ryan was waving at him, shouting that it was their turn. “Guess we gotta go bowl,” Chester said, pressing a last kiss to Mike’s skin before he totally let him go. He took a few deep breaths, calming his insides down before he grabbed his beer, downed a few swallows and stood up to take his turn. 

Mike watched Chester’s ass as he went to get his ball. _I mean it. He keeps acting like that, and I’ll take him up on the bathroom. The bathroom?_ He looked around, wondering where it was. _I’ve never had sex in a public bathroom. Or any public place. But right now the loft is practically a public place, and we can’t be having sex there with Ryan and Jason downstairs._ Mike’s mind was made up. The bathroom was going to happen, even if it did promise to be sloppy and too quick. He grabbed one last nacho before he followed Chester back down to the lanes. 

Ryan watched as Chester picked up his spare, and Mike was able to get four pins, which was quite the accomplishment. _Or at least Chaz is making that an accomplishment._ He stared for a second longer, watching as the couple kissed on the lanes, Mike’s hand firmly on Chester’s ass as he was praised for getting something more than a gutter ball.

Ryan swung his attention to Jason, the other man sitting next to him. “They’re silly, aren’t they?” he asked as he reached over and laid his hand on Jason’s leg, squeezing it. “We’re up.” 

“Yeah,” Jason agreed, standing up immediately so Ryan’s hand would fall away. _I told him no touching, why isn’t he listening to me? He’s making this hard, and I hate hurting his feelings._ He carefully avoided looking at Ryan as he took quick steps over to the ball return and snagged his ball. “Mike’s always been like that with Chaz. Anyway, you can place your bet now, Ry… more or less than last time?” He glanced at the pins down the lane and shook his head. “I’m gonna go with less than my first round.” 

Ryan stood up slowly. “I don’t want to bet against you, so I say more than last time. I’m your biggest cheerleader, you know.” He smiled, but it dropped when Jason barely looked at him. He took a step closer to the ball return as Jason stepped up onto the lane, sliding his feet over the arrows and lining up his shot. Ryan watched, his eyes drifting up and down Jason’s backside, and something heavy sank into his stomach. _This isn’t going anything like I wanted. I know he’s having a hard time. I guess he really meant no touching at all...I’ve had more physical contact with Chaz since we’ve been here than Jason’s letting me have with him._

Jason’s first attempt veered off course at the end, nicking one pin on the corner, and he rolled his eyes. _Of course the first one was luck._ When he turned to walk back to the ball return, he caught Ryan’s stare. “I’m not trying to make you lose,” he called. “I promise I’m actually trying to hit the pins.” He wanted to blow his sad looking boyfriend a kiss, but there were too many people around. 

Up away from the lanes, Chester was back at the nachos. They were getting cold, and his beer was almost gone. “Poor Jason, he’s almost as bad as you,” he teased playfully as he nudged Mike’s leg under the table. “Just think, Sexy Boy, if this was golf, you’d be ahead of all of us.” He flashed his wide smile, showing his teeth. 

“Trust me, Ches, this is nothing like golf,” Mike shot back before he got what Chester was saying. “Hey! No fair! Just because I have a low score is no reason to poke fun at my golf skills, too.” He stuck his tongue out with a smile. “How do you know I’m not awesome at golf, anyway? We’ve never played.” He dug another jalapeno out of the small side dish and put it on his next nacho. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’d win.” 

Chester licked cheese from his fingers, the salty goodness piercing his tongue. “I’ve actually never played golf,” he admitted. “Well, other than the putt putt kind...you know with the windmills and the clown mouths and stuff.” He tried to mimic both things with his hands, but he was pretty sure he’d failed. “We did this whole, weird ass promo weekend one time at a resort and Mark and Jason played golf while we were there, but the rest of us only got to goof around on the putt putt course. It was fun though,” he added with a shrug. “Ryan kicked my ass, but he’s got longer arms and I think that helped him somehow.” He flashed his friend a glare, but Ryan’s back was toward him, so Chester turned his attention back to Mike quickly as he took another sip from his beer. 

“Next time let’s do mini golf,” Mike decided, thinking it over quickly. “Just you and me. We can make bets and the winner gets kisses each hole. Or maybe something better.” He grinned and leaned in for a nacho flavored kiss. It didn’t matter that they had been snacking and drinking the whole time they were together. A little bit of nacho cheese wasn’t going to stop Mike from getting what he wanted, especially with Chester’s earlier words lurking in the back of his mind. He reached out to discreetly hook one finger up under the collar, in front, between their bodies, as their lips connected.

Chester felt the pull on the leather, and his body reacted. He was already moving closer, his chair squeaking against the floor. His eyes were shut, and despite the noise of chatter and balls rolling down the lanes and crashing into pins, it felt like he and Mike were alone. It was one of the first times in over a week that the shroud of privacy seemed to be around them. “I like that,” Chester whispered as their kiss broke, their lips only an inch apart. “Every time you tug on this,” he said, his hand sliding up Mike’s arm to fold over his finger still hooked to the collar, “it’s almost like you’re touching my cock.” 

Mike’s eyes popped open and he studied Chester’s face for a second. “I fucking love this thing. I love that _you_ love it. But nothing compares to touching your cock.” He pulled them back together, but this time their kiss was more urgent. His mind was racing ahead to exactly when and how he could get Chester away from the group and someplace private. The bathroom was sounding better and better as he felt Chester’s tongue teasing him, and he played back. Before he pulled away to suggest disappearing, he sucked on Chester’s lip ring. Thinking about that shiny metal jewelry on him was always an instant turn on, and he felt the excitement go straight to his dick. “Ches,” he whispered against his boyfriend’s cheek, “do you have any idea how badly I want you right now?” 

Chester’s lips were slightly parted as he breathed. He could feel that his cheeks were flushed, and he was already having to shift a little in his seat to adjust the bit of plumpness in his cock. “I do,” he whispered. “I want you, too. God, Sexy Boy, it’s been too long. We can’t even fool around at the loft anymore.” He slipped his hand under the table, and up Mike’s thigh. He knew he wasn’t helping their situation. _Unless he’d actually want to go to the bathroom. No, he wouldn’t. That would be...so not like him. But…_ “Sure you don’t want to go to the bathroom? We can make it quick. No one will hear...no one cares. Lots of people do it.” 

“Oh, do they?” Mike husked, pulling back and looking around quickly. “I… I’ve never done that before.” Chester’s hand was inching further and further up his leg, and he could feel his heart racing. “The guys, won’t they know if we disappear?” 

Chester almost laughed. They weren’t standing in the middle of a black tie event, they were at a bowling alley, surrounded by ex porn stars. They all knew each other, and they all understood how things worked. “Yeah, lots of people sneak off for quickies,” Chester said first, pulling back a little so they could actually have a conversation. They could make plans and talk about logistics until Mike was comfortable with the idea. “And the guys don’t care,” he dismissed, swatting toward the lanes, where Devon and Caleb were up for their third frame. “We’ll take our next turn, and then excuse ourselves. When we don’t come back right away, they’ll get it.” 

“That’s my point,” Mike said, his eyes big. “They’ll _know_.” He couldn’t deny the idea was a little exciting, and Chester was right about the guys. What difference did it make if they knew what was happening, when they’d actually _seen_ it happening before? Mike pushed that thought away quickly. “If you don’t care, then let’s go.” He reached for Chester’s hand on his leg, his adrenaline kicking in. “Forget the next turn, we can go right now, before I change my mind.” 

Chester didn’t even answer. He stood up, pulling Mike along with him. It wasn’t every day he got Mike to agree with dashing off to a public restroom to have sex, and Chester wasn’t going to let the moment pass by. “Ry!” he hollered, grabbing everyone’s attention. “We’ll be back in a few minutes.” He nodded his head toward the general direction of the bathrooms, and Ryan signalled in agreement. There was no discussion or questions, they both knew what was being said. Chester turned back to his lover. “Let’s go.” 

Devon plopped down in one of the seats. “I know what they’re doing.” He elbowed Caleb as the blonde sat down next to him. “Bet you a blow job they’re gettin’ it on the bathroom.” 

“What?” Caleb asked, leaning back a little with wide eyes. “I know you’ve known Chaz longer than I have, but Mike Shinoda would never hook up in a bowling alley bathroom,” he stated flatly. 

“You’re so naive,” Devon laughed as he slung his arm around Caleb’s wider shoulders and kissed his cheek. “But that’s okay, I’ll take a blow job later when I win.” 

Jason turned just enough to watch Mike tagging along behind Chester with a mile-wide grin on his face. “Looks like we’ll all be bowling their next few frames. Maybe the rest of the game. Devon’s totally winning this bet.” He looked at Ryan and felt his heart pinch at the look on his lover’s face. _It’s not fair. We need some alone time, too. But not that kind of alone time. I just want to lay with him and talk. I just want his arms around me, the way it’s been the last few nights… he’s the only reason I’m able to fall asleep right now._ The thought occurred to him that they could leave, go back and have an hour or two alone at the loft while Mike and Chester had their bathroom fun and finished their bowling. 

Ryan stood up and headed for the ball return. “We’ll take their shots this time, and if they’re not back from the bathroom, you guys can take their next ones,” he said, nodding his chin where Devon and Caleb were sitting, the brunette's legs thrown over Caleb’s knees. Ryan couldn’t help but notice how comfortable and relaxed they looked, with zero cares about who saw them. He watched as Caleb teased Devon’s legs, walking his fingers up to his thighs in a tickling motion and making his boyfriend laugh - a soft giggle of someone who was lost in a romantic relationship. 

Ryan let out a sigh as he picked up his ball and headed for the lanes. He could see the pins, but he suddenly didn’t care. He found his normal place on the arrows, took the three long strides to the line, and released the ball, but he turned around and headed back without even watching to see what he got. 

There was a definite shift in Ryan’s mood, and Jason noticed it as he waited for his ball to come back without even glancing at him. It was tempting to ask what was wrong, but he knew Ryan wouldn’t answer him from so far away. He’d have to wait until Ryan sat back down, even though he was pretty sure he was what was wrong. _I’m tired. I should have said no to coming out tonight. I wasn’t really in the mood, and I’m not being a lot of fun. He would have had a better time without me._ Jason waited, and watched as his boyfriend half-heartedly rolled another ball down the lane. 

Despite his lack of real effort, Ryan saw the last of the ten pins fall, and he smiled, just as he realized he’d picked up a spare for Chester, not himself. “Well, fuck,” he swore under his breath before he turned around. Jason was standing up and smiling at him, and Ryan couldn’t help himself. “That was for Chaz, but still!” he exclaimed, a bit of excitement shooting through him as he stepped up to Jason and took his hand. It was a simple gesture - the least of all affectionate acts - and he had to figure that was okay. If they couldn’t kiss and act silly in love, then he could settle for hand holding right now. 

The smile Jason had for Ryan’s success faded immediately, though he let his hand be held for a moment. “Ry, what are you doing,” he hissed, looking around. “I told you, not here!”

The spike in Jason’s voice sent Ryan back a step. He let his boyfriend go, his hands up in the air now. “Sorry,” he apologized on instinct before his eyes narrowed. “No, no, I’m not sorry,” he shot back, his hands balling into fists. “Jay, I’m not doing anything wrong. I was just holding your hand. For God’s sake, I’ve held Devon’s hand before!” he said, swatting at the air behind him. 

Jason’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Don’t be like that,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “I told you when we got here, it’s too soon for that, here. It’s different than Devon or Chaz, I’m not just one of the boys tonight. It feels wrong.” As soon as the last words were out of his mouth Jason regretted them. He didn’t mean for it to sound like he thought that he and Ryan were wrong. The whole situation, the reality that he had just buried his husband a week ago, felt wrong. “I shouldn’t have come out tonight. I should be at home.” He took a step back and crossed his arms over his chest. 

Ryan was stunned. _Wrong. He thinks we’re wrong? Or maybe I’m just wrong._ “Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have come,” he half growled at his lover. “If you’re so worried about what people think, and it’s _wrong_ for me to even hold your hand, then what the fuck are we doing, Jay?” His chest was heaving, his mind fogged over with a cocktail of hurt and frustration. 

“I don’t know,” Jason answered honestly, his stomach twisting painfully. Ryan had never spoken to him that way, not once in all the time they had been together, even when things at YRS had been ugly and hadn’t gone the way they’d planned. Even when he’d canceled their secret dates at the last minute, Ryan had never raised his voice, and had certainly never cursed at him. “And don’t talk to me like that,” he added, “I’ve had enough of that. You’re better than that.” He turned to walk back to the bench, ready to take off his bowling shoes and return them. It had been a mistake to come out, and he was going to give Devon and Caleb an apology and head home. 

Watching Jason turn away from him was jarring. Ryan felt a jolt of panic blast through him. He didn’t want to lose Jason, not after they’d been through so much. Not after all this time. _Not over holding hands._ He opened his mouth, ready to say he was sorry, but before that could happen, he had grabbed Jason’s arm, just to stop him so they could sit down together and talk. 

It was instinct to pull away the moment Jason felt Ryan’s fingers latch on to him. “Stop!” he said, turning back to Ryan instantly and pushing his hand away. “Don’t do that! I can’t stand that! If I want to walk away, I have the right to do that, you _don’t_ have the right to stop me!” His fight or flight reflex was strong when it came to any sort of physical altercation, and it didn’t matter in that moment that Ryan’s hand wasn’t aggressive. Jason’s brain automatically wanted to resist being trapped. 

“Oh shit,” Devon whispered from where he’d already pulled his legs from Caleb’s lap. “What...what do we do?” His heart was beating fast, his senses on high alert, the way they always kicked in whenever voices were raised and words were fired like bullets. His fingers dug into his black jeans as he looked from the arguing couple to his boyfriend.

Caleb shook his head as he watched Ryan shout back at Jason, their voices getting louder by the second. “I, I don’t know. They won’t get into a real fight, would they?” He twisted to look his boyfriend in the face, but he could tell by the pale expression that met him, that this was a first for them both. 

“No, no, they wouldn’t go that far,” Devon decided just as he heard a few curse words being shouted, and he was on his feet. “I’m going to get Chaz.” He hopped over the green plastic seats, and rushed toward the bathroom as quickly as he could scoot around all the human obstacles. He knew that Chester and Mike had gone off to have a few private moments, but this was more serious than a bathroom quickie. 

Mike had willingly followed Chester into the handicap stall in the bathroom, his heart racing as his lover slid the door latch closed behind him and flashed a sexy grin. Before he could say anything, Mike had his back against the door, giggling as the flimsy structure shook under their combined weight. “This might not be the best place for this,” he whispered in Chester’s ear, his breath hot as he dropped both hands to Chester’s ass and pulled them together. “I don’t think this door will hold up to us.”

“We have lots of room,” Chester breathed back. His body was already on ten, his dick getting stiffer by the second as Mike grinded against him. “I want you to fuck me,” he hissed, the words coming out without thought. They weren’t at home, or in their bed. There was no tender kisses here. Everything was rushed. Urgent. Aggressive. And Chester pulled his nails down Mike’s back before he shoved them up under his shirt - both layers! - and did it again, letting his grip scrape against his boyfriend’s soft skin. 

“I’ll fuck you so hard,” Mike answered, Chester’s nails bringing him an extra jolt of desire. He pressed Chester against the door, kissing down his neck, then latching onto the collar with his teeth. Mike pulled on it with his teeth, squeezing his fingers into Chester’s ass cheeks, a soft moan escaping as he did. But he couldn’t quite get the leverage he wanted with his teeth. Without thought he reached up and slid two fingers underneath, wrapping them around the leather and giving it a tighter pull, his tongue coming out to lick a long swipe down the side of Chester’s throat. “You’re so sexy with this on,” he husked, his hands coming around to unbutton the jeans to try to wiggle them down already. He managed between licks and bites to get one hand inside Chester’s pants and onto his underwear covered cock. There was a wet spot on the front and Mike’s breath hitched. They were _both_ ready to go, and while he was stroking his boyfriend, Mike was trying to figure out exactly how he was going to make it all work, but Chester’s hands were a distraction. 

“Fuuuuck, Seexxy Boy,” Chester moaned, his hands dropping from Mike’s back to his ass, shoving them down the back of his jeans. “We need to get these off. I want all of this off.” 

“Off?” Mike repeated. “How? I…” He leaned his head back for a second to look at Chester, and the moment he saw his boyfriend’s dark eyes, the question wasn’t how, but how fast. He let go of Chester’s hip and fumbled around for the button of his own jeans. “You, too. Take it off.” 

Chester nodded frantically as he tried to make his fingers work. He got his belt open, and his jeans and underwear down past his knees before he started hopping toward the closed toilet seat. He wiggled his feet together, scraping his shoes off, one at a time. Thank goodness the silly bowling shoes weren’t on tight. 

Chester’s socks were on the cold cement floor of the bowling alley bathroom, and he was stroking himself as he watched Mike get his shoes and jeans off. “Hurry,” he begged before he turned around, one hand staying on his dripping cock, his other braced on the lid of the toilet seat. He wiggled his ass in the air, knowing it was an instant tractor beam for Mike. 

There was a quick string of curse words as Mike struggled out of his clothes and over to Chester. The excitement coursed through him and he wrapped a hand around himself, using his thumb to spread precum over the tip of his dick. “Lube, Ches,” he whispered, thinking aloud. “You’re gonna want more than this.” 

“We can use spit,” Chester said over his shoulder before he stood up a little straighter. “Spit in your hand. It works.” His chest was heaving, his legs and toes tingling already with anticipation. He was trying very hard not to notice the other sounds going on around them, the occasional flush of a toilet or sound of running water as people came in and out of the restroom. Every time the door opened, they’d get a louder reminder of the bowling alley - pins and balls and shouts of victory, flooding in.

He shut his eyes, trying to concentrate on his body, and getting prepared for what was coming, for Mike’s fingers and then his cock. Chester’s tongue slipped over his piercing as he felt Mike situating himself, their warm skin coming into contact. 

Just outside the bathroom door, Devon took a deep breath. He knew he was going to be interrupting, and how much that sucked, but he had to. He shoved the door open, the brighter fluorescent lights making him blink as he scanned the line of white sinks, the urinals nearby and then the three beige colored doors to the stalls. One door was open, and two were closed. He took a step closer, bending down to try and see feet, and immediately saw the piles of clothes and bowling shoes inside the handicap stall. 

He rushed to the door, but stopped. He could hear Chester’s muffled moans and Mike’s dominating words of foreplay. “Um, Chaz?” Devon called softly, even as he cringed, hoping maybe he’d gotten there before actual sex had started. 

He waited a second, but when there was no answer to his call, he cleared his throat and knocked on the stall door. “Chaz! Mike! Fuck, guys, I’m sorry!” he apologized immediately. “But we need you!” 

Inside the stall, Chester’s senses flooded him as he heard Devon’s voice, and his name being called. He turned his head toward the side, his eyes squinting. “Did you hear that?” he asked, thinking he must be mistaking a stranger for his friend. 

Mike stopped, a hand on Chester’s hip and the other raised to his mouth, ready to take the advice and spit in his hand to get things going. “This is occupied,” Mike tried calling through the door, hoping whoever was on the other side would leave them alone. 

Devon shook his head. “No, Chaz!” he tried again. “Chaz, you need to come back to the lanes. Ryan and Jason are fighting. I mean, they’re yelling at each other!” He took a step back, staring at the scuffed up door, waiting for it to open. “They’re both flipping the fuck out!” 

“Damn it,” Mike hissed under his breath, taking a step back. “Ches, get your clothes on and get out there.” If Jason and Ryan were yelling in public, things were bad. He scooped up Chester’s underwear and jeans from the floor and tossed them over. _Awful timing. Fuck. But I know the second Chester heard Ryan’s name, we’re done here._ Mike picked up his clothes and tried to calm himself down. 

Chester’s mind was still trying to compute and switch gears. He huffed the air, trying to get his body to calm down enough to pull his clothes on. Shoving his erection into his tight pants would be painful. He managed to get his underwear on before he opened the door, and stepped out. “What’s going on?” he asked, even though the sight of Devon’s distraught face was enough. “Oh my god,” he mumbled as he went to the sinks and quickly splashed freezing cold water over his face and neck, dribbling it down his shirt front. “What are they fighting over?” he asked, as he went to pull his jeans on, his body cooled down. 

“I don’t know,” Devon told him honestly as he watched, his eyes flipping from Chester at the sinks to Mike still in the bathroom stall. “Something about touching and holding hands and how they’re not supposed to, and Ryan grabbed Jason’s arm and then all hell broke loose.” 

Mike had his clothes back in place and was putting on his shoes, trying not to grumble at the interruption, when Devon’s words caught his ears. _Grabbed. That doesn’t seem like Ryan. I’ve never seen him be like that. Something else must be up._ “Ches, you good? You get to go be the mediator. You know them both.” He ran his hand over his head and hoped his hair wasn’t too messy. They hadn’t gotten far in the bathroom stall, so he figured it was probably okay. 

“Ready,” Chester said, his shoes in hand. He zipped ahead of Devon to get out the door, and back to the lanes. He was practically running, dodging around people like it was a sport, until he stopped. Caleb was still sitting down by the lanes, but Jason was up at the table where Chester and Mike had eaten their nachos. He was leaned over, looking like he was messing with his shoes, but Chester could clearly see his fingers weren’t moving. 

There was no sight of Ryan. 

_Fuck. He’s not here. Where is he? What did Jason say to him?_ His instinct to protect and defend his friend was front and center as he stepped up to his former boss. “Jason, what happened?” He swung around just in time to see Mike and Devon coming their way. “Devon said you and Ryan were fighting? Where’d he go?” 

Jason squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before he lifted his head and looked Chester straight in the eyes. “He left. Yelled at me for _not wanting to act like I even knew him_ and walked out. He left me here.” His heart was still racing from the fight and the nasty words they’d thrown at each other, but that adrenaline was quickly being replaced with a mixture of disbelief and pain. _He walked out on me. And it’s my fault. I should have stayed home._

“He left?” Chester repeated, before he looked toward the exit doors. “Did he say where he’s going? Are you okay?” he asked as an afterthought just as Mike got to his side, Devon disappearing down where Caleb was sitting. 

“I’m fine,” Jason replied dully. “I don’t know where he went. He left his shoes.” He pointed down at the abandoned bowling shoes. “I guess I’ll go return them with mine.”

Mike watched Jason bend over and pick up the shoes Ryan had been wearing, as well as the ones he’d just taken off. “Ches,” he said, moving closer, “you want me to take your shoes back? I’ll stay with Jason if you want to go find Ryan.” 

Chester’s eyes widened. He’d already had it in mind to go searching for his friend, hoping he was just out in the parking lot, cooling off. But having Mike offer for him to go was something he never expected. “Yeah,” he said, handing over the bowling shoes and quickly kissing Mike’s cheek as he whispered, “thank you.” He shuffled around Mike, down to the green seats where he hurriedly grabbed his real shoes. He jammed them on without tying them before he was back up the steps, ready to go. “I’ll text or call, as soon as I find him,” he said to Jason, before he turned back to his boyfriend. 

Mike took Chester by the hand and pulled him close. “Hey. I love you,” he said, making sure Chester heard him. “Don’t drive too fast, okay?” He leaned forward and landed a real kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, taking the extra second to remind Chester who he belonged to. 

****

TBC


	3. A Night Apart

Mike left his folded pajamas on the arm of the couch and drifted over to sit down behind his keyboard to wait. Jason hadn’t said anything the entire way home in Devon’s backseat, and when they’d come inside the loft, he’d gathered his things and gone into the bathroom without a word. _I know how he feels. When Ches and I argue, I just want to get away. But there’s nowhere to go here except the bathroom._

Even though the four of them had been working on organizing things, the apartment was still a mess of Ryan and Jason’s essentials, scattered in semi-neat piles all over the living space. With their bed in the corner, Mike’s keyboard was wedged in a tiny space under the open staircase. It was already dark outside, so he knew there was no view out the windows behind him, no way to relax other than to sit down and start to play absently. The way his keyboard was facing now, all he could see in front of him was the loft wall, but his eyes weren’t focused on anything while he played. After all his years of lessons, training, and practice, it was easy to sit down and fill the loft with music and distract himself at the same time. 

Mike played some of his favorite pieces while he thought things over. Chester had gone after Ryan, and Mike still wasn’t sure what had made him suggest fixing whatever the problem was between their friends instead of finishing what they’d started in the bathroom. He really didn’t know what had moved him to tell Chester to go after Ryan on his own. _Jay was right when he said I have to trust Ches a little bit. YRS is over, and Mark is gone. There’s no reason to be so overbearing. It only leads me to bad things anyway, and I don’t want to argue with Ches. I want things between us to be the way they were in the beginning, before I knew. We can go back to that. I think._

He was still practicing when he heard the bathroom door open, and he stopped, turning to look over his shoulder at Jason. If he was going to bed, Mike was ready to stop and take his own shower, and he wasn’t going to bother him. Jason was standing between the bed and the couch, watching Mike with his head tilted to the side. Mike knew he slept naked, just like Chester and Ryan, but right now he had on solid dark blue pajama bottoms and a lighter gray t-shirt, his hair damp and messy on his forehead. He looked a little lost with both arms crossed over his chest, his hands rubbing up and down his biceps like he was cold. “Jay? You going to bed?” Mike asked, moving to stand up and push his chair in behind the keyboard.

“I don’t think I can. Not yet, anyway.” Jason’s hands stopped their rubbing and he clutched his arms instead. “What were you playing? Just now?”

“Oh, that was Debussy,” Mike said, dismissing the complicated classical suite as if it were commonplace and easily performed. “You want some water?” he asked, stepping over boxes and piles to get to the cabinet in the kitchen. 

“Sure. I… you don’t have to stop. It was nice, that you were playing… I could hear it when I got out of the shower.” Jason followed Mike, walking between boxes to lean on the bar and watch as he got two glasses down and filled them. 

“Thanks.” Mike glanced over at Jason’s sad face, but he wasn’t entirely sure what to say to make anything better. He didn’t even know what the fight with Ryan had been about. “I’m done for now. I need to shower myself. I was just messing around, anyway. Not really paying attention.” Mike handed off one glass over the bar and leaned against the sink to drink his. He noticed Jason barely took a sip, then just held the glass, looking down at it. 

“Well… don’t let me being down here stop you, if you want to play. I love listening to it.” Jason looked up, his dark eyes meeting with Mike’s in the dim glow of the overhead kitchen lights. 

It was apparent that Jason didn’t want to be left alone, and Mike read the cue easily. “I don’t know if I’ll play anymore tonight… but if you’re still awake when I get out of the shower, and you want to talk, I can be a pretty good listener.” Mike’s lips dropped into a frown as soon as he uttered the words. “At least, I used to be. I might be a little out of practice these days. But I’m here, and we’ll be waiting for Ches and Ryan to get home anyway. No sense in the two of us laying in bed alone, you know?”

Jason felt a pull in his chest as he looked at the sincerity on Mike’s face. “Thanks, Mike. I’m sorry we ruined your evening. I can’t believe we argued like that…” His voice trailed off as he thought of the shouted words in the middle of the bowling alley. He couldn’t tell Mike yet that the last thing he’d shouted at Ryan was that he thought they needed a break from each other, and Ryan had turned and walked away without another word. It wasn’t like Ryan at all to be so angry with him that he would just leave. It had never happened before. _And it’s not like I’m asking too much. Asking him to respect how I’m feeling, I’m not wrong for wanting him to understand!_

Mike rounded the bar and walked behind Jason, reaching out to pat his shoulder as he walked to the couch and picked up his clothes. “It’s fine. I’m not great at bowling, anyway.” He managed a smile in Jason’s direction, motioning to the bathroom with his pajamas. “I won’t be too long.” 

Mike disappeared into the bathroom, and Jason opened every window before he sat down on the couch, placing his glass on the coffee table. _We did ruin the evening, though. I should have just stayed home. It didn’t feel right, being out together, and Ry doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand why it bothers me. The dirt is still fresh on Mark’s grave, and Ry wants to hold hands and kiss in public. I just can’t do it. Nothing that happened before matters… it’s my fault he’s dead. I’m the one who pushed him. I can’t even say for certain it was an accident. I wanted him to fall. I wanted him to hurt._

Jason’s eyes closed and his head fell back on the couch cushions. _I wanted him to know what it felt like to be broken. I didn’t think it would kill him. I killed him. And Ryan thinks now that he’s in the ground, everything can be the way we planned. But this isn’t the way I planned it. I didn’t want it to be this way. I did still love him, and I can’t tell Ry that. He’d never understand._ It felt like the weight of his guilt had increased every day that passed since Mark’s death. Even the sting of the discovery of Mark’s first husband hadn’t lessened the grief - if anything, it had increased it for Jason. When they met, Mark was confident, but not the cocky, self-assured tyrant he’d become in the past few years. Back then, there was an air of vulnerability about him that Jason saw, though now he wondered if it had really been there, or if he’d wanted it to be there so badly that he imagined it. 

He could vividly remember how it was when he’d first started working for Mark. Art school had been far more expensive than Jason realized, and when he met Mark, working for him seemed like the answer to all his problems. He’d set his heart on a degree in graphic design, and Mark had seen an opportunity. There was no question he was Mark’s pet, the fifteen years difference in their ages never a consideration as he was showered with affection and gifts, and after a while, the love he craved. Jason had grown to _need_ Mark’s affirmations and praises, and he tried extra hard to be the only one Mark wanted, the favorite. They had been happy, but over time things changed, so slowly Jason hadn’t noticed at first - the possessiveness, the clinginess, the demands that Mark placed on him. The way he started to rule YRS with an iron fist, the orders and the gates. He remembered the first time Mark hit him, when they fought after Jason caught him in bed with one of the boys. It was the first time he’d been afraid of what Mark was capable of, and the crushing moment when he realized what being in love with Mark was all about. 

Jason sighed as images from the past played over his mind. Thoughts of walking on eggshells around Mark, of trying to make him happy the way he’d seemed when Jason was eighteen and green. Memories of black eyes, of emotional abuse, of a broken wrist and a more broken spirit. He felt the tears fall from the corners of his eyes. _It was all about control. He’d lost control in every way when Phillip left. If what Brad said is true, if what Mark said is true, he did love me, and he was only afraid of losing me. And look at what I did. I fell in love with someone else… and I killed him._ He knew he was excusing Mark’s behaviors again, but it was an old habit that wasn’t going to die just because his husband was gone.

Mike ran his towel over his hair one last time before tossing it in the hamper and sliding into his pajamas. They were his favorites, ones that matched the red and black blanket on the bed upstairs. He took a last glance in the mirror and opened the door, stepping out into the fresh air flowing through the loft from the open windows. His eyes settled on the back of Jason’s head. _Guess he does want to talk. I hope I know the right thing to say. Maybe I don’t need to say anything at all. Just be here. Just be someone to listen. I can do that. I hope they come home soon, that Ches knows the right things to say. Somebody has to fix this._

Mike made his way around the boxes and sat on the opposite end, facing Jason, who looked impossibly small with his legs tucked underneath him on the white couch. “Jason? You okay?”

“Just thinking,” Jason responded softly, his eyes still closed as he let a wordless space stretch between them. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all, and the faint sound of ocean waves coming in from the windows gave the silence a bit of life. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mike finally prompted, stretching out and digging his toes into the plush rug under his feet. He picked up his phone and looked, but there were no new messages from Chester. “We’ve probably got lots of time. Ches hasn’t even texted me yet.”

“Really?” Jason asked. “He said he’d let us know when he found Ry. God, he should have found him by now. Unless I really screwed things up that badly. I don’t know where he would be, if he didn’t just go to his apartment.” A realization dawned on him suddenly, and he opened his eyes, rolling his head to look at Mike. “He’s probably in a bar somewhere. I probably _did_ screw things up that badly.”

Mike left his phone face up on coffee table in front of him so he could see when a notification came through. “What happened? I don’t think any of us have ever seen you guys fight before. And I hope they aren’t in a bar somewhere,” he added, a scowl crossing his face. “They’re both driving. That wouldn’t be good. Surely they both know not to do that by now.”

“Let’s hope.” Jason lifted his head and rubbed his hand across both eyes, wiping away what was left of the tears he’d shed while Mike was in the shower. “I told him we needed a break, Mike. He wasn’t listening to me, and I ended it all by telling him we needed a break from each other.” He sat up a little more, looking at Mike earnestly. “I think it was getting to him that you and Ches were all over each other, and Devon and Caleb weren’t exactly holding back, either, but I told him we couldn’t be like that out in public, not right now.”

Mike nodded. “Of course not. It’s way too soon for you to be acting like that. Even if you wanted to.” He paused and studied Jason’s face, his worried expression and red eyes. “But that’s the problem, isn’t it? You don’t really want to, do you?”

“I love him, Mike, I really do. But… as crazy as it sounds, I loved Mark, too. I know you probably don’t understand that,” he rushed on before Mike could speak, “but he was my _husband_. I really did want to leave him, but more than that I wanted him to choose me, and only me, the way he did when we were first together. All I ever wanted was for him to be faithful, and all he ever did was fight me on that. And what did I do but turn around and do the same thing to him. I broke his heart, Mike. For the second time.” Jason looked toward the windows, blinking hard. Ultimately, he was no better than Mark.

Mike blew out a long, slow breath. “Do you think so? I know I wasn’t around you much, but the way Mark treated you… I don’t know if I’d call that love. It’s not like what I have with Chester.”

“Really?” Jason countered, his face turning back to Mike’s. “You don’t think you’ve been as possessive of Chester as Mark was of me? Is it really all that different? What makes your idea of love different? How do you know Mark didn’t love me the best way he knew how?” Jason wasn’t sure how it had happened, but suddenly he was defending Mark - again.

Mike was stunned, a spark of righteousness flaring up in him at Jason’s words. “I’ve been protecting Chester this whole time, and you know that!” he exclaimed. “I would have never gone to YRS if I didn’t think I was doing the best thing for him. Everything that happened there, that was for him! _All of it._ I don’t doubt that you loved him, Jay, but someone who truly loved you would never have asked you do to some of the things he made you do. Someone who truly loved you would never lay a hand on you in anger.”

Jason’s eyes snapped up to Mike’s. “Ryan grabbed my arm,” he said simply, as though it were the worst crime in the world. “I went to walk away, to cool off for a second before I said something I’d regret, and he grabbed my arm and forced me to stay. Mark used to do that shit. So what do I know about love? Maybe it’s just supposed to be that way. It’s what I’m used to, anyway. Anger and love, and what is the line between that? It must be a fine one. Like the line between lust and love.” He waited, his thoughts flipping through his verbal exchange with Ryan.

“I, I don’t know,” Mike admitted. “I love Chester and I know I don’t show it in the best ways sometimes. We all make mistakes, Jason. Ryan shouldn’t have grabbed you, but did you really want to tell him you needed a break? You both hurt each other. You both will have to apologize. Maybe his expectations and yours aren’t in alignment for the way things are right now. You’re still grieving, and maybe he doesn’t understand why. I would find it hard, in his position.”

“I’m not sure I understand myself.” Jason sat forward, his legs uncurling and his toes going to the rug, just like Mike’s. “There are days I hated Mark. Days when all I wanted to do was get away from him and everything he stood for. But there was also a part of me that just wanted him to change. I guess I’d given up on that toward the end. Ryan made me see how much better things could be, and that’s what I want. I want that life, I really, really do. I just don’t know how long it’s going to take for the guilt to go away.” He lowered his voice, even though there was nobody else to hear them, and looked back over at Mike. “I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling like I killed him, like I wanted it to happen so I could be with Ryan without it being messy. I was selfish.”

Mike couldn’t help the astonishment that crawled over his face. “Is that what this is all about? You think it was your fault? Chester was on the floor and Mark had pushed me, too, and you think what happened was only because you wanted to be free to be with Ryan? Jason, you were protecting your friends, same as I was trying to protect Ches. There was nothing intentional about what happened at all. We were there, it’s not your fault.”

They both sat silently for a while, thinking everything through. It occurred to Mike that he wasn’t upset at the direction their conversation had taken. In all the time he’d been at YRS, nobody had ever spoken about the things he and Jason were talking about now. Everything was swept under the rug, assumed to be understood by all involved, when in fact it was all a mess of control and emotion, love and lust and fear and submission. Mike had so many questions and Jason was just starting to give him answers, bits and pieces skimmed from the truth to help him understand not only Jason’s actions, but Chester’s. Everyone there except for Mike had wanted to make Mark happy in one way or another. Everyone knew just how bad it would get if they didn’t try. Mike slid over and dropped a hand on Jason’s back, rubbing a small, comforting circle there. “Whether you want to see it or not, your reaction to Ryan grabbing you was the reaction you wanted to have when Mark did it… and I don’t even know the scope of all that went on between you, or what he did to you, Jason. But Ryan isn’t Mark. You can’t punish him for what Mark did to you.”

Mike’s hand was comforting, even though his words weren’t. “I know that. I just asked Ry for a little space, that’s all. It’s one thing to be together here, where it’s just the four of us, and another to be together out in the world. I don’t think he understands how large of a circle of acquaintances Mark had, and I don’t want to be disrespectful. I don’t want someone to see me and think I didn’t care about him. Ry thinks everything is fine, and it will be, but I need a little more time.” He let his hand tug at the leg of Mike’s pajama pants. “I didn’t want him to leave. That’s my fault. It’s always my fault.”

Mike shook his head but stayed silent. _Does he always think it’s his fault when something goes wrong? He never seemed like that to me at work. Maybe it’s just relationships._ “I think maybe you were both wrong,” he offered, pulling Jason over for a side hug. “When they come home, just tell him you’re sorry. That will go a long way, I promise.” He felt himself wanting to press a quick kiss of comfort to Jason’s temple, but his iPhone screen lit up right as he turned his head. “I hope that’s Ches,” he mumbled, letting Jason go and reaching for the phone.

**Chester:** _We’re at Ryan’s. I’ll call later._

Mike held the message out for Jason to see, too. “Well, at least they aren’t at a bar,” he said lightly, sending Chester a simple “ok” back in response. 

Chester stood in Ryan’s small apartment kitchen, his hands behind him on the counter. When he went to go find his friend, he’d been hoping he would find Ryan in his car, taking deep breaths and calming down. But that hadn’t happened. “I know you’re upset,” Chester said, trying to keep his voice low. The kitchen was puny, with only one actual counter. Ryan and his roommate had made a makeshift island for extra counter space, which was where Ryan was currently playing bartender. “But you really shouldn’t have walked out on him.” 

Ryan looked up from where he’d just finished pouring the second glass of scotch. “Chaz, the whole thing was crazy. I don’t even know what happened.” He handed one glass to Chester. Usually he wasn’t one for things like scotch or wine, but it’s what was in the house. “I threw a spare. I got a spare for _you_,” he clarified, pointing at Chester with his glass. “And it was exciting. Jason was standing up and we were both cheering, and I…” He stopped, his bright eyes dropping to the white and blue tiled flooring. “I put my arm around him when we first got there. When we were waiting in line for shoes, and he pushed me away.” It was a hard thing to say out loud, but if he could tell anyone, it was Chester. 

“Why did he push you away? For, like, putting your arm around his waist?” Chester shook his head, trying to understand. He hadn’t noticed anything happening in the shoe line, and he felt a small amount of guilt wash over him. He’d been busy debating shoe sizes with Mike. Debating. Flirting. Kissing. 

“Yeah, just around his waist. Like this.” Ryan stepped forward and quickly snaked his arm around Chester’s waist for a second before he pulled back. “That was all, and he pushed me away saying that it was too soon for it.” 

“Too soon?”

“Yeah, like, too soon since the funeral and things.” Ryan let out a sigh, staring down into his amber colored drink. “And I told him okay. He said we needed to be less obvious and I get it, I guess. I wanted him to have fun. He needs to have fun, Chazzy. He’s been so down and depressed, and for good reason. Sort of.” His eyes darted back and forth, over the white cabinets behind Chester’s head. “I’m trying to understand him. I really am. I get that Mark was his husband, and they’d been together for years and built a life together but…” He shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t figure he’d take all this so hard. None of us wanted it to go the way it did,” he made sure to say and Chester nodded as he sipped his drink. “But Jay was going to leave him. That bastard hit him and tortured him and, fuck, Chaz, you didn’t see him when he was all beat up.” The memory flooded Ryan’s mind, and his heart hurt as his hand tightened around his glass. 

Chester watched. He knew there were things he didn’t know about. Things Jason had confessed and confided in Ryan about, but he also knew Jason’s marriage to Mark wasn’t all bad. When he’d first started at YRS, Jason and Mark were tight. Jason was practically a lesser version of the boss, a little more soft-spoken and a little more forgiving, but still just as hard ass when he wanted to be. “So how did you guys end up fighting?” 

“Like I said, I picked up your spare, and I tried to hold his hand.” 

Chester waited, watching as Ryan took a drink and shook his head. “And then what?” Chester asked. 

“And then nothing. I figured I could hold his hand. I thought that would be safe, but he flipped out on me.”

Chester could hear the sound of rejection in his friend’s voice. “And then he yelled at you?” 

Ryan shrugged. “I think I yelled first. He didn’t yell. He scolded me, which is worse. And then I raised my voice and he turned around and he was going to walk out. He was the one that was going to leave and I panicked. God, Chaz, I didn’t mean to grab him. I mean, I did, but just to get him to stop so we could sit down and talk, but he freaked. That’s when he started yelling and it went nuts after that. Somewhere in all of it he told me we needed a break,” he admitted with a hard swallow. “I’m not even really sure what that means, but I told him I was just going to come back here for the night.” He motioned toward the living room with his glass. 

“A break from the relationship?” Chester asked. The idea of Ryan and Jason not being together was a strange one. They’d been a couple longer than he and Mike had been, and he was used to seeing his friend in a relationship, rather than the unsure lifestyle of one night stands they’d both participated in when they were single.

“I guess. A break from me,” Ryan mumbled as he looked down at the blue and silver promise ring looped around his finger. “I’m so awful he needs a break,” he added before he sniffed back an impending tear. He pushed himself from the counter, taking his glass and the bottle of scotch with him. He knew his roommate would be coming in at any minute, and he didn’t want to deal with him. He wanted to hide away in his room and feel sorry for himself, and he wanted Chester to sit with him while he did it. “Tony will be here soon, let’s just stay in here,” he said, as Chester followed him into the bedroom. Ryan shut the door behind them. “It just seems so unfair,” he said as he walked over and slumped onto the bed, the lamp on the nightstand giving the space a soft glow. He pulled his legs up onto the dark blanket, crossing them, the bottle of scotch nearby. 

“Arguments happen,” Chester tried to reassure him as he rounded the bed and sat down on the other side, mimicking Ryan’s pose. He took another small sip of the scotch. It was strong, and already making his head feel a little light. “Me and Mike argue. You guys aren’t the only ones. All couples do.” 

“I know that, that’s not what I meant.” Ryan stared across the room, at the shambles that was currently his life. Things were half packed, and missing. There were empty spaces on his dresser and in his closet. Half of everything he owned was over at the loft, leaving his bedroom feeling chaotic, like someone had come in and robbed him. “It’s just, this isn’t how I thought it would be,” he admitted. “Any of it.”

“How did you think it would be?” Chester asked just as he remembered he needed to text Mike. He’d promised he would let his boyfriend know the moment he found Ryan, and in all the conversation, he’d spaced it. He balanced his drink on his knee as he wrangled his phone from his pocket and texted with one hand, quickly letting Mike know they were okay and he’d call him later. 

“Honestly?” Ryan asked as he watched Chester text, knowing what he was doing. “I thought we’d be like you and Mike. God, that sounds pathetic.” He took a drink, letting the strong alcohol run through his system as he stared at a blank space on the maroon colored walls. “I’ve always been second, Chaz. From that first moment when I kissed him.” He let out a long, slow breath before taking another drink, his mind pulling up the memory. After weeks of flirting and little hints, he’d finally been brave enough to kiss Jason - his boss - one late night in the upstairs hallway of YRS. “He needed me,” he stated. “It was after he tried to leave Mark, remember? And he came back all weird.” 

Chester nodded. “I do. It was like he was a different person when he came back.” 

“Because Mark beat the hell out of him,” Ryan filled in, and Chester was quick to nod. They’d talked about it before. Jason being dragged back to YRS and kept like a prisoner for weeks wasn’t a secret. Ryan had confessed to Chester long ago that Jason had admitted in detail what had happened. That he’d gotten all the way to New Hampshire, trying to track down an old friend that he was going to try and stay with, just while he filed for divorce, but Mark had found him, and had made sure he’d never think about leaving again. “He was so miserable. I just wanted to see him smile and when I started flirting, he slowly started flirting back. I, I got him to smile, Chaz. All the shit he was going through, and he still had it in him.”

“You did a good thing for him, Ry,” Chester said, reaching to pat his friend on the leg, but his hand lingered as his pat turned to rubbing, his fingers caressing back and forth over Ryan’s thigh as they both sipped from their drinks. 

“That first time, when I kissed him,” Ryan said, his eyes down now as he watched Chester’s hand, “it had been building all day. Do you remember? I told you I was going to do it.” 

Chester smiled. “I remember. I remember you were scared out of your mind and I told you that if Mark found out, I’d back you up and we’d lie and totally deny anything happened.” 

“That’s right, you did!” Ryan cheered, his voice coming out a little high as he chuckled and covered Chester’s hand with his own. “He trembled when I kissed him. Did I ever tell you that?” He twisted his head, their eyes connecting through the low light of the bedroom. 

“No, you never did,” Chester whispered. 

“He did. He trembled. But we kissed, and, we were both nervous but there was something there. Something I wanted more of. But from that moment, I was second.” He let go of Chester to place his hand over his heart, his fingers tugging at his dark t-shirt. “I only got to be with Jason when Mark wasn’t around. We’d sneak kisses in the hallways and in the bedrooms. He’d touch me, but only if no one was looking. If we were kissing or even just talking, and Mark walked into the room, Jay would turn away from me. He’d just walk away like I meant nothing…like he was going to do tonight.” 

“He had to,” Chester reminded him with a hard swallow. “He couldn’t let Mark find out.” 

“I know,” Ryan admitted softly. “And I accepted that. We were having an affair, Chazzy. Of course I’d be the one to be a secret, to have to settle for what little bit of Jason’s affection I could have.” He paused, looking down at Chester’s hand again. The rubbing had stopped, but the contact hadn’t. Chester’s fingers were thin, and his nails were clean and cared for. That was one thing he always appreciated; Chester took care of himself. “But it was okay. I had you,” he whispered, not looking up. “I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Not just your friendship, but, while we were still working together…you were comforting, Chaz. Not that you don’t turn me on like crazy,” he admitted, his head swaying a little, “but it was always more than that. More than work. Between you and Jason, I was satisfied.” 

Chester squeezed Ryan’s leg. “You’ve always been smokin’ hot to me, too,” Chester assured him, his tongue not holding back as he drank a little more. “And I missed you after we stopped working together. It was for the best,” he added in, leaning over a little. “Because Mike doesn’t understand and he wanted to be there, and he couldn’t be there if we were still having sex.” He stopped, his eyes narrowing. “Does that fucking make sense?” 

Ryan let out a snort. “I think you’re drunk,” he said before opening the scotch bottle. “Come on, more for you and for me.” He carefully refilled their glasses, only spilling a little, which they both laughed at. “But that’s when it changed,” Ryan said, setting the almost empty bottle on the nightstand. “When Mike came to YRS. I saw you guys. I saw how you were together and me and Jay weren’t like that. And you and me couldn’t sleep together anymore and it kinda sucked for awhile.” He let out a sigh, as he felt Chester’s hand roam from his leg to his back, which felt even better. “Let me help you,” he said, cradling his drink with his legs before he pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it to the floor. “Your nails are better on my skin.” 

“Skin is _always_ better,” Chester laughed as he sent his hand in large and small circles over Ryan’s pale back. He was warm, and his skin was soft, and it was a nice feeling to hear Ryan say that he missed their sex life when it was taken away. That was something they’d never talked about. 

“You had Mike and I had Jay, but only when no one was looking.” Something sank in Ryan’s heart. “It was hard. You were so happy, and I was happy for you…most of the time. Mike’s had some iffy moments, and that made it worse. He doesn’t let me talk to you all the time,” he said, his whole body leaning toward Chester’s touch, his bright eyes glossy. “I’m shocked you’re here. I was going to come home and be miserable by myself.”

“He’s gotten better,” Chester defended, even though he knew Ryan was right. Mike wasn’t always the most understanding person when it came to Chester spending time with people other than him. “And it was actually his idea that I come find you.” 

Ryan’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to defend him, Chazzy. I know you love him. He got to be the one.” He looked away, his shoulders slumping as Chester’s fingers scratched over them gently. “It just made everything suck for awhile. Jason always took Mark over me and you took Mike over me and I know that’s how it had to be, but it still sucked. It sucked until Seattle.” 

Chester pulled his hand away, his face going very serious. “I hate Seattle. It’s the worst place ever. I don’t ever want to go there again, Ry.” His mind pulled up memories of the thunderstorms, and Mark forcing him and Mike to shoot a scene outside in the pouring rain. Then there was the night they’d all gone out, when Chester had noticed people staring at him, when Mike and Jason had known so much about the fancy food, and he just didn’t. It was the same night he’d had a small breakdown, and shaved his head. He shivered as he ran a hand over his growing, chocolate brown curls. 

“I know it was bad for you.” Ryan leaned over and kissed his face, his nose and lips lifting to drift over Chester’s soft hair. “I’m sorry, Chaz. I should have been there for you.” 

Chester shook his head. “I’m okay. There was nothing anyone could have done.” He took a sip before he looked over, and he was caught for a moment in Ryan’s blue eyes - eyes his heart knew like they were his own. “I know you liked it there more than me.” 

“It was fantastic.” Ryan reached over, his hand trailing over the back of Chester’s shirt, and a second later, it was off and on the floor so Ryan could return the favor. He feathered his fingers over Chester’s naked back as he spoke. “That’s when Jay really started talking about leaving Mark. Like _really_ talking about it. I actually thought it was going to happen. That’s when I really started to fantasize about you and Mike.” 

Chester almost spit out his scotch. “What? Like, a threesome with us?” 

“What?” Ryan asked, already laughing as his feathering hand stopped on the small of Chester’s back. “No, not like that. God, no. I could never see me and Mike, like, doing anything. No. No, not what I meant. I mean, like, that’s when I started thinking that me and Jay could be like you guys. We even talked about it. That first night in Seattle when we went to the grocery store, we talked about our life after he left Mark. Real couple stuff. That’s it. I wanted us to be a real couple. Live together and pay bills and have a dog.” He sipped his drink, his hand opening and closing as he caressed Chester’s lower back. “And then Mark was gone. Not the way I wanted him gone, but he was. And part of me was relieved because I was finally going to get to be first in Jay’s life. I know I’m a terrible person for thinking like that after what happened.” 

“Ry, you’ll never be a terrible person,” Chester tried to encourage as he watched his friend drop his head. “I love you, and Jay loves you, too.” 

“I want to believe that,” Ryan mumbled. “I know you do…but I’m not sure about him. Tonight he didn’t even want me to hold his hand. Tonight I was still second. Mark’s not even here anymore, and I’m still the secret. God, it scares me, Chaz. It scares me to think that maybe I’ll always be second…second to a dead man.” 

Silence settled over the bed. Chester took another few drinks, his head really starting to swim as Ryan’s words sank in. His friend was sad - heartbroken - and he wasn’t sure how he could help. He knew Jason needed time after Mark’s untimely passing, but he couldn’t freeze Ryan out either. He couldn’t ignore the living, breathing boyfriend that was still here. 

Chester let out a sigh. He was pretty sure they’d both had enough of the heavy conversation for one night. “Ry,” he finally whispered, “I’m really drunk. I better stay here tonight, if that’s okay.” 

Ryan’s hand slid up Chester’s back, to his shoulder as he pulled him a little closer. “Chaz, you can always stay with me.” His eyes dropped to the spiked collar still around Chester’s neck, and before he could stop himself, his fingers were smoothing over it. “Do you really like this thing?” he asked, tapping one finger over a spike. 

“I do. It looks awesome and Sexy Boy loves it…he gets a little crazy with it sometimes. It brings the beast out of him.” 

“The beast, huh? Well, as long as he never pulls it too hard and hurts you,” Ryan decided quickly, dropping his hand away from the collar. “You should take it off and we’ll lay down. My head is fucking light and I need to pee.” 

“I want to pee, too,” Chester decided, handing his empty glass to Ryan to set on the nightstand. “But you can pee first because we shouldn’t be peeing at the same time.” 

Ryan laughed as he tried to stand up, his body lunging forward as he almost fell. “I love you, but I have zero desire to pee with you!”

“I’m sexy when I pee!” Chester hollered back, tossing a pillow Ryan’s direction but missing terribly. 

“You’re sexy alright,” Ryan snorted as he threw the pillow back. “And your sexy self needs to be quiet so Tony doesn’t barge in here, bitching us out for being loud.” He put a finger to his lips as he said, “Shhhhhhhh Chester.” 

_Chester._

The mention of his real name was unusual coming from Ryan, and it stopped Chester for second. He watched as Ryan lowered his hand, as the two of them looked at each other by the soft haze of the bedroom lamp. Ryan’s dark spiked hair was flattened in places where he’d been leaning against the headboard, and not caring as he’d scratch his fingers through it. He was still shirtless, and Chester’s gaze ran up and down his long, thin torso that was splattered with muscles, pink nipples, and a shadow patch of a happy trail running from his belly button down into the front of his jeans. His mostly black and gray tattoos stood out against his clean skin, and the scruff coating Ryan’s chin and jawline looked dark and sensual in the low light. Chester suddenly felt the shiver of desire course through him before he looked away. “I’m going to call Mike and tell him I’m staying.” 

Ryan nodded and left the room. Chester pulled his phone back out as he tried to focus. He wasn’t sure how his boyfriend would take him calling and saying he was too drunk to come home, but it was the truth. He wasn’t able to drive, and he was going to be passing out soon. He would be passing out right where he was, in Ryan’s bed. _I can’t say that to Mike, though, he would make a big deal out of it._

He sat on the bed, his phone to his ear. He felt himself swaying a little bit as he sat cross-legged. A moment later he heard Mike on the other end. “Sexy Boy,” Chester said, “can I call you? I mean, are you busy?” he asked, thinking he’d already messed the conversation up. 

“Just talking with Jason,” Mike said, settling back into the couch cushions and glancing over at Jason. “Everything okay?”

Chester nodded. “That’s good he’s talking to you, and Ry’s calmed down. Um, we had a drink,” he admitted, staring across the room at the empty place on the wall where a poster used to hang, but now it was lost somewhere at the loft. “I don’t think I should drive.”

“Oh.” Mike blew out a slow breath, his thoughts trying to figure out where Chester was going with that. _Should I offer to go get him? Then I’ll have to leave Jason alone. But he seems okay, now. Better than earlier._ He bit his bottom lip and knew he needed to say something quickly. “Did you want me to come get you then? I don’t know where Ryan lives,” he added, realizing he really had no idea where Chester was. He glanced at Jason again, but Mike wasn’t even sure he was listening. 

“Uhhhhh,” Chester said, his thoughts fuzzy as sleep threatened to take him under. “I think I’m just should stay here,” he suggested as best he could. “I’m ready to pass out, Mike. I’d be asleep before you got here. I just have to pee first.” 

Mike wanted to protest, but he could hear the fatigue in Chester’s voice, and if he were being honest with himself, he was exhausted, too. It sounded like Chester would be asleep at any moment, and he was right. By the time Mike got to him - wherever he was - they would both probably be asleep, and then he’d just be knocking on an unanswered door. He could talk to Chester about everything tomorrow. “Well, okay,” he finally said, running his hand over his hair and cupping the back of his neck. “If you think that’s best, babe.”

Chester nodded again, never quite realizing Mike couldn’t see him. “I’ll be fine. I’ve slept over before.” A breath later, and Ryan stepped into the room. Chester watched as he went back to his side of the bed, and unbuttoned his jeans, pulling them down and off. “I gotta go,” Chester said, looking away from what Ryan was doing. He needed to get up and get to the bathroom. “Ry’s back and it’s my turn to pee. I love you.” 

“I love you, too, Ches.” Mike waited, but the call ended, leaving him staring down at his phone as it returned to the home screen. He leaned over and put it back on the coffee table and looked at Jason. “They’re drinking. Or were,” he corrected himself. “Ches said he can’t drive. He’s gonna stay with Ryan tonight.” His lips drooped into a frown as he scratched the back of his hair. “I really wanted them to come home so everything would be right.”

_Drinking. That’s my fault, too. And Ry knows how much I hated when Mark drank himself into oblivion._ Jason stood up from the couch and stretched his arms over his head. “I guess there’s no sense in waiting up, then.” He was disappointed, but there wasn’t anything he could do. Besides, if Chester was with Ryan, that would keep them both out of trouble. “We should just go to bed, Mike. I’m sure that’s where they’re headed, too.”

“Yeah, that’s what Ches said.” Mike stood up, too, grabbing his phone and the glasses from the table and walking them over to the kitchen. “If you’re ready for bed, I am, too. Tomorrow will be better. They’ll come home and Ches and I can give you two some space to talk about things.” 

Jason made his way over to the corner of the living room and stopped, looking down at the bed he’d only just started sharing with his boyfriend, the bed he’d just started thinking of as theirs. _I hope he comes home. I hope I haven’t ruined everything. I do love him, and I want this to all work out. Mike’s right. We both said things we shouldn’t have, and we do need to talk._ He looked back over his shoulder at Mike, who was on his way across the space to the stairs. “Thanks for sitting with me and talking it out,” he offered, feeling a little self-conscious about the details they’d discussed now that he was calmer. He’d never really shared much about Mark with anyone except Ryan, but the things he’d told Mike were things he didn’t feel like he could tell Ryan. Not right now, anyway.

“Any time,” Mike said, pausing at the bottom of the steps. “Good night,” he added, watching as Jason pulled off his t-shirt and threw it at the foot of the bed. For a split second his eyes drifted over Jason’s back before he chastised himself and started his way up the stairs. It occurred to him that it was the first night since before he’d gone to work at YRS that he and Chester had spent apart. _I bet Ches didn’t even think of that. It’s been more than a year since we slept in separate beds._ He tried not to dwell on the thought of Chester at Ryan’s instead of at his side, sleeping on the couch or the floor. _I don’t even know if I can sleep without him._

Downstairs, Jason tugged the blanket back, looking sadly at Ryan’s lonely pillow, and the empty space Ryan wouldn’t be occupying that night. “Good night, Mike,” he called softly. He waited for Mike to get upstairs before he knelt down and reached under the bed, pulling out a brown leather laptop bag that he didn’t carry anymore, hadn’t in years. Jason unzipped the bag and looked inside. There was a small collection of items from his life with Mark. Their marriage license, a velvet box with both their wedding rings inside, a small stack of love notes Mark had left in Jason’s room when he was just an employee, and Mark’s cell phone. 

Jason took out the phone and turned it over in his hands, looking at it. He knew it wouldn’t power on. It hadn’t been charged in weeks, and a certain relief came with knowing that even if he decided now was the time to look at it, he’d have to wait for it to charge a little before he could. _Having to wait will make me sure. I still don’t think I can. I know Ry said not to be afraid of what I might find, but he didn’t know Mark. Not like I know him._

He put the phone back and avoided looking at the love notes he’d clung to for years. Right now, after all that had happened, seeing Mark’s familiar scrawl would only hurt him more. He didn’t need to read them to know what they said. Jason had memorized the tokens of Mark’s affection long ago, having read them over and over. It was better not to think about any of it, especially how Mark was coming between him and Ryan still. He couldn’t think about Mark any more. _Not tonight, hon. One day I’ll be able to look at your phone and put that last bit to rest, but not tonight. I miss you, even though I shouldn’t. I miss Ry, too. I don’t want a break, I don’t. Why did I say that?_

Jason zipped the bag and shoved it back under the bed before he climbed in with his pajama pants still on, pulling Ryan’s pillow close against his chest and squeezing his eyes closed. He could only hope that Mark would leave him alone long enough for sleep to come quickly.

The bathroom was a quick trip, and Chester stumbled back down the hallway, ready to fall into bed. He knew he’d be gone the moment his head hit the pillow. “I’m done,” he announced as he entered the room and closed the door behind him. The lamp on the bedside table was dimmed down to the lowest setting, leaving everything barely visible. Ryan was already in bed, under the thin white sheet, the dark blanket tossed to the end of the mattress. 

“Come on, then,” Ryan mumbled. His back was facing Chester’s side of the bed. He was trying to pass out, but he always held his alcohol better than Chester, and his mind was still running. _I wonder what Jay’s doing? Is he even thinking about me? Or just thinking about Mark?_ The thought pushed a tear from his eye, but he quickly wiped it away from his cheek.

Chester stood on the other side of the bed. Normally he slept naked, and he knew Ryan did, too, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t a good idea tonight. Chester looked down at his checkered looking jeans, and decided they needed to come off. They were a little too tight to sleep in, no matter how drunk he was. He could pass out, but he’d be up all night wrestling with them. He fumbled to get them undone, just like he’d done a few minutes ago in the bathroom. He pulled them down and off, leaving him in his red underwear. 

He pulled the sheet back, and his eyes went right to Ryan’s lower half, and his black underwear and Chester smiled. They were on the same page, just like they always were. “Things will look better in the morning,” Chester offered as he climbed into bed. He stretched for a minute as he yawned before he rolled over, his back to Ryan. “We’ll figure it all out.” 

Ryan didn’t say anything. He was staring at his open closet, and how it was half empty, reminding him of how he felt just a little too much. “I hope so,” he said, before he rolled over. If he and Chester were going to keep talking, he wanted to face him. “I hate feeling like this,” he whispered, waiting for Chester to answer. The room was quiet, other than the light sound of the city coming in through the cracked window. “Chaz?” he called softly when no reply came. “Chazzy? You asleep already?” he reached over, his hand on Chester’s bare shoulder, but there was no reply. 

Ryan let out a long sigh and an even longer yawn. “Okay, we’ll sleep.” He scooted over, spooning himself up against Chester’s backside. His hand stayed on Chester’s hip, his fingers lightly laying on the soft fabric of his underwear. He could feel Chester’s breathing, and the body heat between them was instant. Ryan’s eyes were already dropping closed, before his focus hit the collar still around Chester’s neck. 

He sat up, resting his weight on his elbow as he stared at the black leather piece. _There’s no way that thing is comfortable. It could hurt him in the middle of the night._ The decision was made before he could think a thought further. He unbuckled the accessory, and gently pulled it off Chester’s neck. He studied it through the dark for a moment, touching the spikes and feeling the weight. _Mike would like something like this. It’s one more way to control him._ He glanced back at Chester’s sleeping form before he twisted to put the collar on the nightstand. 

He clicked the lamp completely off before he rolled back over, and pulled Chester up against him. He leaned in, pressing his lips to the back of Chester’s neck where the collar had been, and then his eyes shut, and his mind switched off as sleep finally won. 

****  
TBC


	4. Pivotal Moments

Chester still had his eyes closed when he felt the warm body behind him move. Already his thoughts were a little cloudy as he tried to shift from sleep to awake. He groaned, stretching his leg and arching his back slightly, his movements met with a pull to his hip. 

“Chazzy.” 

The sound of Ryan’s voice brought Chester’s eyes open, the cracked window and uneven blinds coming into view. 

“Chazzy,” he heard Ryan say again, his voice soft like a whisper. “Don’t go…stay.” 

The murmured sentence didn’t make sense, and Chester twisted and pulled back so he could see behind him. Ryan’s eyes were shut, his lips barely parted. Over the years, Chester had heard Ryan mumble in his sleep before, but it was the first time he’d ever heard his name slide from his friend’s lips as part of whatever dream was going on. “Hey, Ry,” Chester whispered, trying to wake him easily. “Ry.”

Ryan jerked awake, like he was pulled from his sleep against his will. His eyes opened, and his head lifted from the pillow. “Chaz?” he asked, like he was confused as he blinked at the morning sunshine filling the room. His hand was on Chester’s stomach, holding him close. “Is it morning?” 

“Yeah, morning,” Chester said between a yawn. “You were dreaming.” 

Ryan’s focus went to Chester’s face, which was only a few inches away, their heads on the pillows. “God, really? My loud ass. I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

“You’re never loud,” Chester told him. “It’s always like a mumble.” 

Ryan shut his eyes. “Yeah, but obviously mumbling loud enough to wake you up.” 

“Well, you were saying my name.” 

Ryan lifted his hand from Chester’s stomach. He rubbed his face, pressing his fingers into his eyes. “I’m sorry, Chaz. I don’t even know what I was dreaming. God. Did yesterday really happen?” His hand dropped, as he looked at his friend. “I can’t believe we’re waking up here instead of at the loft.”

Ryan’s lips were turned down, his eyes reflecting the sun, but Chester could still see the shadow of distress and sadness lingering in them. “It’s going to be okay,” he promised as he reached to touch Ryan’s face, smoothing his fingers over his scruffy jawline before he sat up. He yawned before he slouched forward, staring down at the white sheet covering his legs. “I need coffee,” he decided, rubbing his forehead. “I think I’ve had enough scotch to last me for awhile.” 

“You were so drunk,” Ryan laughed as he sat up, shoulder to shoulder with Chester. “By the time you passed out, you weren’t even making sense.”

Chester rolled his eyes. “I don’t remember that.” His head bolted up. “Fuck,” he hissed, frantically twisting to look around. “Where’s my phone? Did I tell Mike I was staying over?” He tossed the sheet away, ready to snatch his pants from the floor to see if his phone was in the pocket. 

“Hey, hey,” Ryan rushed to say, reaching for Chester’s bare back. “You called him, Chaz. It’s okay.” 

Chester’s legs were already hanging off the bed, his jeans in his lap as he dug his phone out anyway. There it was, the evidence of his short phone call with his boyfriend the night before. A sigh of relief hit him. “I need to go home,” he said, shuffling to pull his pants on as he stood up. “Get your ass up and make us some coffee. We’ll go home together.” He scooped his t-shirt from the floor, pulling it over his head. 

Ryan watched as Chester fixed his clothes and rubbed his forehead with another long yawn. His attention hit the place around Chester’s neck where the spiked collar had been the night before, and he glanced to his side; it was still sitting on the nightstand. “I don’t know if I should go,” he stated as he reached for his phone. He pulled up his home screen, and his heart sank. There were no messages from Jason. “I don’t think Jay wants me there.” 

Chester opened his mouth to refute that thought, but he didn’t. He wanted to tell Ryan he was wrong, but he couldn’t. Not yet. Not after all the things Ryan had admitted last night about always feeling like he was never going to be first in Jason’s life. “You don’t know that,” he said instead. “Maybe he’s feeling better this morning. You guys just need to talk.” He rounded the bed. “I’m going to piss, and then we really need that coffee before we go.” 

“Gotcha,” Ryan said, standing up to get his jeans and shirt on. He checked his phone again, but there really was nothing from Jason. _I didn’t text or call him either, so I guess I’m just as guilty._ He shoved it into his pocket before he started to make the bed, tugging the sheet back into place, and pulling the blanket up and smoothing it out. He looked back at the nightstand at the studded collar before he picked it up. He twisted, staring at the open doorway as he listened, but he couldn’t hear anything. _I should make sure he takes this with him. Mike will probably get mad if he shows up without it._ He squeezed the collar, glaring down at it as his mind shifted to a different option. He opened the drawer to the nightstand and dropped the spiked collar in, before he headed for the kitchen to start the coffee.

Chester felt three pounds lighter as he stepped into the tiny kitchen. “I was thinking, you know, maybe Jason’s, like, paranoid.” 

Ryan smiled briefly as he stood with his arms crossed, leaning against the counter. “Paranoid? What kind of bathroom trip was that?” 

“Shut up,” Chester shot back at him. “No, seriously. Like, paranoid someone will see him hugging and kissing on you. Like, Mark hasn’t been gone for long,” he tried to explain. “And no one knew Jay was going to leave him to be with you except us, so if someone else saw you guys together, they’d be like, ‘wow, Jason’s already stepping out on Mark’ kind of thing.”

“So?” Ryan asked quickly. “Who cares what people think?” 

“Jason cares,” Chester said immediately, and he watched as Ryan went to argue, but didn’t. Instead he let out a huff and announced he was going to the bathroom. Chester watched him walk down the hallway as the smell of brewing coffee started to fill the kitchen. Chester grinned. “Mmmmm,” he moaned softly, and Mike’s face popped into his mind. Normally they had their morning coffee together. He could see his boyfriend’s soft face and messy blue hair in his mind, and imagined which pajamas he was wearing. “Sexy Boy,” he mumbled as he tugged his phone from the front pocket of his jeans. He pulled Mike’s name up to text. 

The sun was pouring in over the half wall in the loft bedroom, and Mike had buried his face under his pillow to avoid it. He could hear the sounds of coffee being made downstairs - of _Jason_ making coffee downstairs - but he was in no mood to get out of bed. He had been restless all night without Chester. Every time he woke up, expecting to hear Chester’s gentle breaths, or feel the warmth next to him, all he got was silence and cold sheets.

_The first night we’ve spent away from each other in over a year, and it’s because of someone else’s argument._ He didn’t want to feel resentful of Jason and Ryan, but it just wasn’t fair that he had a rough night. Mike nestled his face further under the pillow even though he knew he was awake for the day. _If Ches was here, I could fall back asleep. Well, we probably wouldn’t be doing much sleeping._ A flash of the evening before, of pushing Chester against the stall door in the bathroom, hit him, and Mike sighed. It wasn’t that he necessarily wanted to have sex in the bathroom, but the location had been one of convenience. He was impatient that they had not been alone at the loft in over a week.

Mike rolled over, taking the pillow with him, squeezing it close where he’d normally be holding Chester in the morning. The rich coffee aroma had infiltrated the bedroom. He inhaled deeply, a warm, happy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. _I hope Jason is making enough for two. It smells good. He was so sad last night. I’m glad he’s up out of bed, and not laying down there upset. Today will be better._

He reached for his phone as he sat up, and there was already a text from Chester. 

**Chester:** _Morning, Sexy Boy. I missed you last night. Ry’s making coffee and I wish you were here to drink it with me._

Mike smiled. _Hah, everyone’s making coffee. I’m glad Ches is coming home soon. I’ve missed him._

**Mike:** _ I wish we were having coffee together, too. It was hard to sleep without you. When are you coming home?_

**Chester** _As soon as we get done drinking this coffee. I was going to bring Ry with me...is Jay okay? He’s worried Jay doesn’t want him there :( _

**Mike:** _He’s sad without Ryan. You need to bring him back. We talked last night and he wants to fix things._

Chester grinned at his phone, relief flooding over him. 

**Chester:** _Ok, we’ll be there soon. Love you._

**Mike:** _Love you, too. Be careful coming home._

They sent a few more texts back and forth before Mike got out of bed and headed for the stairs. There was coffee waiting, and Mike wanted to tell Jason that their boyfriends were on their way back.

Jason was just pouring coffee into a mug for himself when Mike made his way into the kitchen, his hair disheveled and feet bare, a yawn escaping from behind a closed fist. Jason reached for a second mug and held it up. “You look like you could use some, too.” He turned away to hide his smile at how sleepy and innocent Mike looked in the mornings. It was a far cry from the Mike he’d seen at YRS, the persona that stayed hidden inside and only came out to ravish Chester in front of the camera. Jason had filmed them countless times in the past year, and he knew the many faces of the ex-porn star. The innocent sleepy boy in front of him now showed no trace of Kenji at all, and Jason couldn’t help but find this version of Mike more appealing.

“Yeah,” Mike nodded. “I didn’t sleep well. How about you?” He stopped right next to Jason, and his hand almost went out to the small of the other man’s back as a reflex, but he stopped himself. That was a familiar gesture of mornings spent with Chester, not something he did with Jason. It suddenly seemed awkward in his mind, and Mike reached for the already filled mug instead. 

“I finally fell asleep after about an hour,” Jason commented as he replaced the coffee pot. He picked up the mug and leaned against the counter, watching Mike as he made his way over to the table and sat down, tucking his feet around the legs of the chair. “It’s so strange to sleep by yourself, when you’re used to having someone else there.”

Mike glanced back over at Jason. It felt strange to be having coffee with him at home alone, almost as though they were doing something in secret that they shouldn’t be doing. “I realized last night it was the first night Ches and I spent apart since I went to YRS… so I know what you mean. I’m used to having him around.” He felt his stomach rumble and figured he’d get a bowl of cereal in a minute. 

“You hungry?” Jason asked, having clearly heard Mike’s stomach waking up. “I mean, I’m not much of a cook. I’m used to having Brad around…” His voice trailed off and he looked around at the clean and organized kitchen that Chester adored. “I don’t want to mess up Chester’s space, either. He seems a little stressed out about us all being in here.” 

“Yeah, it’s his baby,” Mike offered. “I keep hoping he’ll want to do something with food someday. He’s so good at it.” _I’d like it a whole lot better than the modeling job, that’s for sure. But any job right now is fine. We need the money._ He shook his head a second later. “We should probably try not to make a mess. I’ll grab a bowl of cereal or something in a minute.” 

Jason nodded, pushing himself off the counter to go sit next to Mike at the table. “I keep hoping Ry will text me, but he’s probably still asleep. He does love sleeping in.” The thought of his lover in bed, the blankets pulled up under his chin, sleeping peacefully, filled Jason’s heart with longing. He really missed Ryan. He reached for his phone right as Mike spoke up.

“Ches texted already. They’re up.”

Jason pulled his hand back, a wounded look crossing his face. “Oh.” He looked down at the table. _I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me then. I really fucked up last night._

“Don’t be like that,” Mike said, immediately seeing the change in Jason’s mood and reaching out to touch his forearm gently. “Ches said they’re headed over after coffee. That Ryan’s anxious to see you.” He rubbed his hand up and down Jason’s arm and waited for him to look up. “Really.”

Jason was looking down at Mike’s hand on his arm. _He’s been really great since we came home last night. Trying to help, trying to make me feel a little better. I know why Ry is so on the fence about him, but Mike’s a good one. He means well._ He finally looked up and caught Mike’s dark, concerned eyes. “Thanks.” Jason patted Mike’s stroking hand and sat back, breaking their contact. Mike watched him as they both took another sip of coffee in silence before Jason sighed. “It’s been an awful couple of weeks, Mike. The last thing I wanted was for him to stay away last night. He’s been so strong for me. I need him. And I need him to understand where I’m coming from.” 

“You need to be honest. Decide what you’re going to say, and just say it. I think being totally honest will go a long way. When Ches and I have arguments, that’s always what it comes back to. Communication and honesty. Not that we argue much,” Mike backpedalled, putting his hands out in front of him. He didn’t want to make it seem like there was anything amiss in his relationship with Chester. “It’s only ever been misunderstandings about YRS, and talking it out always helped.” He stopped, realizing that he’d always done what Ryan had done the night before - walked away when things got a little bit heated. Now that he’d watched that happen to someone else, and saw the hurt feelings that were left behind, he didn’t want to be that way anymore. _I never thought about how Ches felt when I walked out all those times. I was being selfish. Immature, really. I should have stayed and talked things out, not left him worried and alone. I was such an ass._

“I think we’ll have a lot to talk about,” Jason mumbled. He didn’t want to tell Mike he didn’t even know where to start, or whether or not he’d even be able to tell Ryan all the things he’d shared with Mike the night before. It had been easy to open up to Mike, but he wasn’t sure he could do the same with Ryan. Ryan would take it all personally, and Mike had been able to listen objectively and offer some advice. _And some of that was just venting, it’s not stuff Ry needs to know. I just needed someone to listen… I don’t need to tell Ryan all that stuff about Mark. Just enough to get him to understand._ He was trying to think what needed to be said when Mike drained his cup and stood up, heading back into the kitchen.

“They should be here soon. Have you figured out what you want to say?” Mike rinsed out his coffee cup and put it in the dishwasher, his eyes skipping critically over the countertops. _I think it looks good. Everything is in its place. Ches will be fine. I made sure Jay didn’t mess anything up._ He wiped his hands on the dish towel and turned to Jason. 

Jason looked over at Mike. “I’m going to do what you said last night. Apologize and go from there. I think you’re right, an apology will go a long way.” He stood up and walked with his mug into the living room. He still had half a cup of coffee, but it was clear Mike was finished in the kitchen, so there was no need to stay at the table. “I just hope he wants to talk about it, you know? He got so upset at the bowling alley, and I didn’t feel comfortable explaining myself there. Maybe here it will be different.”

Mike looked around the small space, putting his hands on his hips. “I think he wants to talk. Ches made it sound that way. We’ll go down to the beach or something and give you some space,” he decided before Jason could say anything else. “I should probably go change clothes if we’re going out.” He looked down at his pajamas and started for the stairs. “It’s going to be fine, just tell him the stuff you told me last night. I think that’s the stuff he needs to hear.”

Jason nodded, even though Mike’s back was already to him as he crossed the room. _Some of that stuff I probably shouldn’t say… at least not the way I said it last night. I don’t want to upset him. I don’t want him to think that he’s not important to me._ A flash of Ryan’s face crossed through his mind, and Jason was ready to see his boyfriend walk through the front door. 

Out in the hallway, the walk from the elevator to the loft’s front door was a long one. “It’s going to be fine,” Chester said over his shoulder. Ryan was a few steps behind him, and Chester had already slowed down twice, so they could stay somewhat next to each other. He wasn’t sure if he was walking too fast, or if Ryan was going impossibly slow. “You guys love each other. You’ll talk it out and you’ll probably be stronger for it.” 

“I hope so,” Ryan whispered just as they got to the door. He watched as Chester tried the knob, but it was locked. “God, I’m nervous, Chaz. I’m shaking.” He wiggled his hands, like he was trying to get them to calm down. “I know I shouldn’t have grabbed him. What was wrong with me?” 

“Just tell him you’re sorry,” Chester stated as he opened the door. He stepped in first, scanning things quickly. He was happy to see his kitchen looked almost exactly the way he’d left it the night before. He spotted Jason over on the couch, but not his boyfriend. He glanced over his shoulder, waving for Ryan to follow him. 

Chester shut the door and headed for the kitchen, dropping his keys on the bar. “Hey, Jay,” he said, waving across the space. 

“Good morning, Chaz,” Jason responded, but he didn’t spare Chester a glance. His eyes were on Ryan, and how uncertain he looked standing just inside the doorway. “Ry… hey,” he said softly, setting his cup down on the coffee table. “God, I missed you last night.” He walked around the table and over to Ryan, but he stopped himself from tackling him into a hug. “I, I know I was a little crazy last night,” he went on in a hushed voice, trying to keep his words between the two of them, “and I want you to know I’m really sorry.” 

There was only a two second pause before Ryan stepped forward and scooped Jason into his arms. “I’m sorry, too,” he said, pressing his face to the side of Jason’s head. “I didn’t mean to grab you like I did, I just wanted us to talk. Last night was so hard.” His eyes flashed up, just in time to see Chester headed across the room toward the stairs. Ryan let out a long exhale. “I want us to work it out.” 

“Me too,” Jason mumbled, pulling Ryan in close. “Mike said he and Chaz are going to head out so we can talk alone. I wish we’d talked it out last night, it was awful sleeping alone.” 

“We should have,” Ryan agreed before he pulled back enough to place a soft kiss to Jason’s lips. “But I’m ready to talk now.” 

Upstairs, Chester was pulling his clothes off. “We should go to breakfast instead of the beach. I want food,” he whined, balling his shirt up and dumping it in the hamper by his closet. 

“I can always go for breakfast,” Mike agreed instantly, sliding over behind Chester and wrapping his arms around his middle. “Mmmm, you feel good. It seems like I might have been in this position recently,” he teased, letting his hands roam over his boyfriend’s stomach as he leaned in to drop a kiss on the back of Chester’s neck. Mike let his lips run down Chester’s neck, along his shoulder and back up before he came to a sudden halt. “Hey. You don’t have your collar on,” he said, his fingers pressing into Chester’s sides lightly. “Did you take it off?” 

Chester was leaning against Mike as he enjoyed the affection, his eyes closed. But they popped open at Mike’s question. He reached, feeling over his neck. “Um, no. I passed out with it on last night and Ryan took it off of me. I, damn,” he swore quietly. “I left it over at his place. I walked out the door right after coffee and forgot it.” 

Mike took a step back. “Ryan took it off of you?” He didn’t like the way that sounded at all. “Why would he even be touching it?” There was an accusation in his tone, and he heard it immediately. “I mean… well, why would he do that? You’ve slept in it before.” 

Chester pulled away to turn around so they could see each other. “He wasn’t touching it...and I didn’t ask him to take it off. I woke up and it was gone,” he said with a slight shrug. “He said he was worried I’d hurt myself with it on, so he took it off. I’ll get it back,” he reassured his lover with a partial smile. 

“You must have been really passed out to not notice what he was doing,” Mike grumbled. The idea of Ryan taking anything off of Chester, and especially the collar, made him unhappy. “I wish you’d let me come get you last night. I would have slept better knowing where you were.” He glanced over at the stairs, thinking about going down to say something to Ryan, but he knew that Jason had Ryan’s full attention at the moment. 

“Sexy Boy, don’t get upset,” Chester whispered, taking Mike by the hand and kissing his knuckles. “I’ll get it back later today. Promise.” He raised his eyebrows for emphasis before he let Mike go and headed for his closet. He opened the doors before he undid his belt and pulled his pants down. “I’ve got to get out of these clothes first, then we can go.” 

Chester still had on his bright red underwear from the night before, and Mike was smiling at his ass before he could stop himself. It was amazing that Chester could turn his mood so quickly. “I just didn’t sleep well without you, babe. Did you know, I realized that last night was the first night we’d slept apart since I went to YRS? I had a hard time falling asleep, and then you weren’t here when I would wake up. It reminded me of the time I stayed here when you went to Hawaii. It was lonely. And cold.” He frowned at the made bed, at the black and red blanket Chester had bought for him. It seemed to simultaneously be a long time ago, and like yesterday that he’d come into Chester’s bedroom for the first time.

Chester pulled a yellow t-shirt over his head before he glanced toward the bed, and Mike standing so gloomily next to it. “You look like Grumpy Bear,” he said, tossing his lover a smile. “I missed you, too. And you’re right,” he decided as he took out a pair of black jeans. He pulled them on quickly before shutting the closet doors. “Last night was our first time apart since then.” He stepped over and nuzzled his nose and lips close to Mike’s ear and whispered, “Sorry I fucked up our record.” 

“I don’t want to sleep alone again,” Mike whispered back, turning to kiss Chester’s cheek. “No matter what happens, if there’s a next time, I’m coming to pick you up. You got that?” He rubbed his hands down Chester’s arms and then hooked his fingers into the belt loops on Chester’s jeans. “I don’t want you to be away from me for a second.” 

“Not even a second? But, Sexy Boy, that would lead to a lot of naked naughtiness,” Chester giggled as he pet a line a kisses down Mike’s cheek. He knew he needed to stop. If they kept this up, they’d be on the bed, making out, and they were supposed to be good friends to Jason and Ryan, leaving to give them privacy. 

It was a hard choice, but Chester stepped back. “Let me put my shoes back on and we’ll go.” He nodded toward the stairs.

“Finnne,” Mike whined, letting Chester scoot by him and head downstairs. “We’re gonna finish this later,” he promised, thinking of last night’s interruption, and the morning’s delay. It felt like it had been forever since he and Chester had been intimate. _Maybe if we’re good and let Ryan and Jason talk things out this morning, they’ll leave and give me and Ches some privacy for a few hours._ The thought cheered him up, and he decided he’d mention the idea to Chester at breakfast. _He knows how to talk Ryan into anything. I’ll let him suggest it to them._

Mike kept his thoughts about privacy and the missing collar to himself on the drive to the diner he and Chester loved to frequent for breakfast. He was already on his second cup of coffee for the morning, waiting on his stack of pancakes with a side of bacon to be delivered to the table, before he finally said, “I wonder how things are going. Think they’ll be okay?” He was going to wait to pitch his privacy idea until after he got a read on what was likely happening back at the loft. 

Chester had his coffee cup cradled between his hands. “I hope so. Ryan was so sad last night. He…” He stopped, playing his tongue over his lip ring for a moment. “He just feels, like, you know he’s always had to be the secret because of Jay being married, and he’s worried he’s always going to be the secret even now that things have changed.” 

“It sounded to me like Jason just needs some time to process things. He knows he overreacted a bit. Hopefully they make up. And then they can go somewhere and let us have a couple of hours alone.” Mike raised one eyebrow and smiled at Chester over the top of his coffee mug. “I’d like the chance to finish what we started at the bowling alley last night.” 

“Mmmmm, hell yes,” Chester agreed, nudging Mike’s foot under the table. “And I’m sure they’d give us some time alone. They can go get lunch or something. I have to start work in a couple of days, so we need to cash in all our together time while we can.” 

“Right.” Mike sat back, and used his other foot to trap Chester’s against his leg. “I keep forgetting in a few days, we won’t work together anymore. It’s going to be so weird to be going separate directions in the morning. I never thought I’d say this, but I’ll miss that part of YRS. It was nice to always be with you. It’s so hard to imagine not seeing you during the day and having to text you just to say hi.” He felt his smile drop away while he thought about Chester leaving him every morning, and the fact that Ryan would be going with him. It didn’t seem fair. 

“I liked us working together, too,” Chester said, his eyes drifting out over the diner, at the other tables where people already had their food, and he was suddenly jealous. His stomach rumbled. “But maybe it will be good for us,” he suggested, looking back at his boyfriend. “Time apart means being together will be even more exciting.” 

Their waitress finally appeared, Mike’s pancakes and bacon in one hand and Chester’s French toast in the other. Mike let Chester’s foot go and reached for the syrup that was already on the table. “You must not remember what it was like to be apart,” he said seriously. “It was awful, and-” Mike stopped. He knew Chester wasn’t listening to him. His eyes were locked on the syrup, the syrup Mike had reached for without a single thought, breaking the unspoken syrup rule between them. “Oh. You want this?” he asked playfully, waving the syrup in front of Chester’s face. “I have it first. Maybe I’ll just use it all on my pancakes.” 

It wasn’t funny. None of it. “Yes, I want it,” Chester admitted freely. He wasn’t sure if Mike was kidding about using it all, but he could feel panic already setting in. “You don’t even like syrup that much.” He tossed Mike a pout as he pointed to the stack of pancakes. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been around you long enough that I want to drown this whole stack of pancakes in syrup.” Mike was ready to carry on his little charade a bit longer, but the wide, desperate eyes that followed the syrup carafe did him in. “Oh, fine. I was just playing, Ches. Here.” He handed off the syrup and picked up his knife to spread around the little round mound of whipped butter on top of his pancakes. “Take what you want. I’ll get more if you use it all.” 

Actually holding the syrup was its own pleasure. Its own relief. “You’re evil sometimes. You know that right?” Chester asked, not looking up as he smothered his French toast in oceans of the maple stuff. “And you know me too well. You know how to hurt me.” He glanced up, just long enough to see Mike staring at him. “I mean, you know that I like syrup,” he clarified, as he set the bottle on the table before licking a sweet droplet from his thumb. 

“Of course I do,” Mike said, his eyes following Chester’s tongue. “I _was_ just playing,” he added, picking up the syrup to add his thin, criss-crossed diamonds over the top of his pancakes. He finished with the syrup and set it down, taking a big bite of pancakes while he thought about what he wanted to say next. He wanted to tell Chester all of the things he’d realized that morning, and now seemed as good of a time as there could be. Chester was swept away in sugar induced bliss, and Mike didn’t think he could ruin it even if he were trying.

He let Chester get a few bites of his French toast down before he cleared his throat. “I was thinking about some stuff, about me and you,” he started, pointing his fork between the two of them. Chester immediately looked up from his plate. “When Jason was talking last night, about how he and Ryan got so angry, and he was going to walk away to cool off, and Ryan grabbed him, I started thinking about fights we’ve had.” 

Chester swallowed down his bite. “I’ve never grabbed you,” he said, before he licked the trail of syrup from his lips.

“I know.” Mike rushed to agree. “I didn’t mean that Ryan grabbing him made me think about us. It was the walking away part. I never really thought about how that might have made you feel, and I’m sorry for that. I just, I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to say anything I regretted, so it made sense to just walk away and take a break. But until I saw how Jason felt last night, when Ryan just left, I hadn’t thought about you.” Mike put his fork down on his plate and ran his hand over his hair. “I know it’s been awhile, and it’s probably too late to apologize for that, but if I hurt you, Ches, I didn’t mean to. And I’m sorry.” 

An apology for arguments past wasn’t what Chester had been expecting, and it took him a second to process it all. Mike had walked away from him more than once in the heat of the moment, usually after harsh words were spoken from both of them. “Thanks,” he answered, putting his fork down as well. “It does suck to have someone just leave.” He dropped his eyes to the table. “I know I’ve done things that have hurt you, too. Keeping things from you sometimes. I don’t do it to hurt you, but I know it does in the end. I’m sorry for that, and I’ll try to do better.” He looked up, hoping that his message got across right. 

Mike cocked his head to the side and regarded Chester thoughtfully. “You don’t keep things from me on purpose, do you?” He was a little afraid of the answer. It wasn’t unusual for him to overreact to things, much like Jason had done in the bowling alley, but he hated to think that Chester was withholding information from him to keep him from freaking out. 

“Well, sometimes,” Chester admitted with a hard swallow. “Like, like how I didn’t tell you about YRS at first,” he offered as an easy example. He wrapped his arms around himself. He really hadn’t expected Mike to ask a follow up question. The night before flashed through his mind. He knew if he told Mike he’d slept in Ryan’s bed, his boyfriend would be both hurt and incredibly upset. _And nothing happened, but that won’t matter._

Mike allowed a bit of a smile as he rolled his eyes. “Well, that was calculated. I wouldn’t have listened to anything you said after porn came into the conversation.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes again. “I was a different person then, Ches. And it would have bothered me enough I wouldn’t have looked past it to ever find out how amazing you are.” He reached across the table and took Chester’s hand, holding it tightly. “But now I know. And I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me things. I promise I’ll do better at not freaking out and walking away if you promise you’ll always be honest with me.” 

Chester nodded as he squeezed Mike’s hand back. “Okay, I’ll try. I guess, I guess I’m just used to being guarded about certain things and I’m still working on fixing that.” 

“We’ve both got things to work on,” Mike offered. “And anyway, I was just thinking about us, and I wanted to make sure I told you that I was sorry. I don’t want to spend any more nights apart, okay?” He let go, pulling his hand back to pick up a piece of bacon. 

“For sure,” Chester stated, slicing his next piece of French toast. “I missed our bed and you being next to me. I would have come home if I could have. We were drinking scotch and it went right to my head.” He pushed the drippy piece of toast in his mouth. _There. That was honest._

Mike worked hard to suppress the sigh that wanted to escape over the admission that the reason Chester hadn’t come home was scotch. _He’s being honest. Which means I can’t freak out. See how that works? You started this._ He cut off a piece of pancake and looked at Chester. “Like I said, next time, I’ll come get you. I’m glad you didn’t drive, but there’s other ways to solve that problem, and I’m happy to come pick you up. Okay? Then we won’t have to miss each other.” 

Chester waved his fork in the air. “I was so out of it, I don’t think I would have made it long enough for you to get there. Ryan’s apartment is five floors up. I wouldn’t have made it down the stairs.” He let out a full body exhale, rolling his lips together, before he looked up, a thought dawning on him. “I had the car, and Ryan had his car...how did you guys get home? I can’t believe I’m just now asking,” he said, feeling like a terrible boyfriend. 

“Devon,” Mike answered after he swallowed. “He drove us home. It was fine.” 

Chester shook his head. “God, Mike, I’m sorry. I suck as a boyfriend. I left you there with no car.” He made a mental note to text Devon later and thank him for giving his lover a ride home. “The whole night was a disaster.” 

“You don’t suck. It all worked out. It wasn’t the way we thought the night was going to go, but it’s all fine. As long as Jason and Ryan make up, and we get a few hours together, I’m all good.” Mike hoped that the other couple would be finished with their talk by the time they got back home. 

Chester nodded in agreement before he went back to enjoying his French toast. His thoughts drifted over the loft, and how crowded it was already, and they still had more of Ryan’s stuff to move in yet. He tried to map it out in his mind, where they would possibly be able to shove this box or store that thing. Jason had actually come away from the big house in the hills with less than Ryan had managed to collect in his small bedroom, which didn’t even have a good size closet in Chester’s estimation. 

Almost forty-five minutes later, and they were finally walking down the hallway toward their loft. _Not our loft. It’s Jason’s,_ Chester mentally reminded himself, which was hard. Even though he never lost sight of the expensive pad belonging to Mark and Jason, he’d been living there long enough for it to feel like his home, and especially after Mike had moved in. 

_Now we need to move. That’s okay. I love it here, but it’s not meant for four. It will be interesting for me and Mike to pick out a place together. I bet we’ll like different apartment options. We’ll probably have to flip a coin or something._ He already had his keys out, and he unlocked the door, stepping back to allow Mike to walk in first. “After you, Sexy Boy,” he stated with a grin. Breakfast had hit the spot, and now he was ready to take his boyfriend upstairs and get his other craving met. 

Mike expected to see Jason and Ryan on the couch, or maybe sitting at the kitchen table, talking through things over another cup of coffee. He figured that there was plenty to discuss, and he was prepared to walk in on the couple in the middle of an emotional conversation. He was _not_ prepared to walk into the loft and be met with the sight and sounds of make up sex from the bed in the corner. He stopped short, just inside the door, and Chester ran right into his back.

“What’s wrong?” Chester asked, after stumbling back a step, but Mike didn’t need to answer. It only took a few seconds for Chester to recognize the familiar grunts, pants, and the sound of the downstairs bed rattling as the headboard banged against the wall. Chester’s eyes darted right to it, and the sight of Ryan’s naked, sweaty back and tousled hair caught his attention as he watched him thrust in rhythm. He couldn’t see much of Jason from where he was, just a piece of an arm, and a knee in the air. “Oops,” Chester snorted, his gaze lingering a moment longer before he looked at Mike. “Guess we came back a little early. Looks like they made up.” 

“Oops?” Mike hissed, embarrassed. “We need to leave.” Even though he didn’t want to intrude, he couldn’t help but steal a glance in Jason and Ryan’s direction. From where he was standing open-mouthed in surprise, he couldn’t see Jason’s face but he could hear him, and it was enough to turn Mike’s cheeks pink. He reached out to pull Chester’s arm backwards so they could go back out the door before the situation got more embarrassing than it already was.

“Leave?” Chester whispered. “Why? It’s just Ryan,” he said, swinging his hand toward the bed. “Come on, it’s fine.” He took Mike’s hand, and pulled him across the space. He kept his eyes averted as they went, even as he shouted, “Sorry guys, it’s just us! We’re heading upstairs!” 

There was a heavy breath from the bed, before Ryan twisted his neck to look. He saw Chester dragging Mike across the living space, headed for the stairs. “It’s all good, Chazzy,” he said, almost laughing, before he turned his attention back to Jason. He looked down at his boyfriend, at his flushed face and closed eyes. He could see beads of perspiration right at Jason’s hairline, and his lips were parted as everything had slowed to a momentary stop.

Chester was halfway up the steps before he’d dared to glance over his shoulder, his eyes bouncing from Mike’s red face, to the sight of the couple in a paused state, presumably waiting for the room to clear before they continued. It wasn’t often he got to see Ryan from this angle, to see the muscles of his back, and the taut ones that formed his biceps as he hovered above Jason. He let himself steal a quick glance at Ryan’s firm ass, and then he looked away, leading the way up the stairs. 

Mike stumbled along after Chester. He was completely distracted as they got to the top of the stairs and he looked down. It wasn’t Ryan’s backside he was admiring, but Jason’s messy hair and glowing face. Right before they stepped into the loft Mike saw Jason open his eyes and look up at Ryan, but then he was with Chester in the bedroom, and he had no idea what Jason’s reaction was to their interruption. Ryan seemed to be taking it in stride, and so did Chester, if the smirk on his boyfriend’s face was any indication.

The moment they’d hit the bedroom, Chester let go of Mike’s hand. Walking in on Ryan and Jason had stirred his sexual need to life. He spun around, the sound of the other couple starting back up downstairs floating up over the halfwalls. “Still in the mood?” he whispered, stepping close and sliding a hand down Mike’s shirt front. 

Mike bit his lip as he looked into Chester’s eyes. His pupils were already blown wide and Mike knew that the couple downstairs didn’t bother Chester in the slightest. The whole idea of doing upstairs what Ryan and Jason were doing downstairs at the same time felt a little uncomfortable to him, even though he couldn’t deny that the sound of the headboard hitting the wall downstairs was making him think about getting his hands on Chester’s hips and causing a little noise of their own. He glanced toward the stairs and then back at Chester. “Of course I am. But, don’t you think it’s a little weird for us all to be having sex in here at the same time? I mean, a little privacy would be nice. We can wait ‘til they’re done.” 

Chester smiled slyly as he dropped his hand to Mike’s belt and leaned in close. He pressed his lips to Mike’s neck, leaving a small wet spot before he did it again and whispered, “We were going to do this in the bathroom at the bowling alley, remember? We’re not surrounded by strangers here.” He licked his tongue from the base of Mike’s neck, all the way up to his earlobe. “Sexy Boy,” he husked, “don’t make me wait.”

Mike didn’t really want to wait, either, and Chester’s words and his tongue were making a compelling point. Without another moment of hesitation, Mike’s hands were on Chester’s hips, his fingers spread wide and holding on tight. “You’re gonna have to be quiet. And quick, babe. I don’t want them listening in.” He felt the shudder move through his whole body as Chester’s lips triumphantly found the spot behind his ear that drove him crazy, and he suppressed the moan that wanted to come from his mouth. 

“I can be quiet,” Chester promised as he undid Mike’s belt. His hands moved quickly, like he was in some sort of race, as he unbuttoned and unzipped his boyfriend’s pants. He pushed them down, and slid his hands around Mike’s ass, and then to his dick, hiding behind the flimsy material of his boxers. He was already hard. “Mmmmm, I knew you wanted it, naughty boy,” he giggled as he stroked Mike through his underwear. 

“Shhh,” was Mike’s only response. He didn’t want to admit he was a little turned on by walking in on Ryan and Jason, and the fact that they had elected to continue what they were doing instead of stopping. Mike stepped out of his pants and away from Chester’s hands, pulling Chester’s shirt up and off as well. As many times as they had undressed each other, they were coordinated enough to get the job done quickly, and Chester reached for his shirt next. There was no hesitation on Mike’s part anymore. He’d been naked with Chester so much that it was second nature.

Both shirts hit the floor and then Mike was stripping Chester’s jeans and underwear from him all at once. He meant it when he said this would be quick. They’d gone without for a week, and both of them were ready. The only thing missing from a good quickie was the collar that Chester had left behind at Ryan’s. Mike pushed that thought from his mind as he pushed Chester back toward the bed, ready to climb on top of him and get things going. 

The moment the back of Chester’s legs hit the bed, he turned around and climbed on, stopping short. He knees were at the very edge as he wiggled his ass. “Right here?” he asked, raising his eyebrows in a goofy way as he looked behind him. 

“Hell yes,” Mike whispered, shedding his boxers as he stepped over to the nightstand to get their lube. Thoughts of what was happening downstairs wove their way around his thoughts of what was happening with Chester. It was impossible to ignore the sounds from the other couple. Mike centered himself behind Chester and ran his hand up the middle of his back as he popped the top of the bottle with his thumb. “You ready?” he asked, lightly scraping his nails down Chester’s skin. 

“Seriously ready,” Chester half moaned. He reached under himself, tugging at his mostly hard dick. A few slips of his hand, and already his pre-cum was leaking. He shut his eyes as he balanced his weight, and concentrated on the feel of Mike’s nails and fingers. He could hear the passion going on downstairs, the distinct sound of moans he knew were coming from Ryan and the steady pound against the wall that supported what was happening. It sent something extra through Chester, a different sort of excitement that made his cock twitch, and his teeth clench. 

Mike didn’t waste any time. He covered himself in the lube and tossed the bottle on the bed, then wrapped his hand around his dick. He was ready, too, and the neediness in Chester’s voice was all he needed to go ahead. With one hand on Chester’s hip he guided himself, pressing his tip against his lover’s entrance, forcing himself to push slowly until he just barely gained entrance. It was hard to go slow, but Mike was more in control of himself than he used to be, and he sucked in a breath as he waited, letting Chester adjust to him and give him the go ahead to continue.

Once he got the green light, it was on. Mike was still careful as he pushed inside, little by little, watching his boyfriend for any sign that he was more uncomfortable than usual. Everything seemed to be fine, and it wasn’t too long before he was nestled snug against Chester’s ass, ready to pound into him the way Ryan was taking Jason downstairs. “God, Ches, you feel great. _Fuck_ I’ve missed this.” Mike’s lips were right at Chester’s ear, keeping his words only between them.

“I love it,” Chester said, not caring how loud his voice was. “More, Sexy Boy.” He pushed himself backwards, pressing his asscheeks against Mike’s body and spreading his legs wider. He’d let go of his cock to support his weight on both arms, his heart already beating fast. “I’m ready,” he insisted, needing more movement. 

Mike had both hands on Chester’s hips, holding him steady as he braced his feet on the floor and built up a steady pace in and out. “Hush,” he whispered, a little louder this time. “I don’t want them to hear you,” he ordered as he thrust. He wanted them to keep it down and blow off a little steam as quickly as possible, not put on a show for their roommates. 

He closed his eyes and concentrated on how things were feeling, which was perfect. It was much better than he had imagined they could do in the bowling alley bathroom. Without consciously realizing it, though, he was matching his pace to what he could hear down below. Every push forward lined up with the sound of the headboard against the wall, and as those hits sped up, so did Mike. 

Chester’s mouth was hanging open, the pounding against his insides matching the beat coming up over the halfwalls. “Yes!” he gasped, his fingers clawing into the flannel blanket under him. “Fuck, yes, Sexy Boy!” His cock was dripping, his knees pressed into the mattress as Mike pushed in further and pulled back sharply, only to do it again, all in quick succession. The heat was incredible, climbing and clinging to Chester’s inner walls, his balls already feeling tight with the orgasm that wasn’t going to wait much longer. 

Mike’s hand immediately left Chester’s hip and closed around his mouth from behind. “I told you to be quiet!” Having his hand over Chester’s mouth reminded him a little of pulling on the collar. It was the same feeling of control that Mike got from having that accessory around Chester’s neck, and with a flash he realized that in some way, it was even better than the collar. There was no way he could go too far or pull too hard and end up hurting his lover. It was only his hand covering Chester’s mouth, and the idea sparked a deeper, lust driven response from Mike. He could do or say anything, and Chester would be silent. 

A louder moan from Jason caught Mike’s ear as he held Chester in place. There was a lot of affirmations from both sides downstairs, but upstairs, Mike was in control. He felt his grip slip off Chester’s hip a little from the thin sheen of sweat the two of them were working up, and it messed up his rhythm and his concentration. “Fuck!” he swore, louder than he intended, and there was immediate muffled response from Chester. Mike got his hand back where he wanted it and leaned forward, changing up the angle he was pounding into Chester with, but keeping his hand over Chester’s mouth. It was a difficult position to maintain, but it gave Mike something else to concentrate on other than Ryan and Jason. 

He could feel the tingles starting in his legs and traveling down to his toes, and everything felt amazing. Chester’s body and his total submission to what they were doing had Mike revved up, and as his own orgasm steadily neared, he stopped thinking about being quiet and more about getting them both off. His hands were occupied. It wasn’t going to be easy to do it alone.

“Ches, I’m ready,” Mike growled suddenly, the surprise that he was ready to come so quickly making his voice low and husky. “Touch yourself, Ches, I want you to come with me!” 

Chester was breathing twice as hard with Mike’s hand wrapped around his mouth. His nostrils flared, his heart going crazy as his body was on ten. He heard the familiar command and he did it without thought. He balanced his weight, his body shaking as Mike didn’t let up, as he tugged at his own cock. He was wet, and his hand slipped up and down his shaft and over his mushroom head without much issue after the first few strokes. He could feel the beginning of what would become the rush of his orgasm, like it was just on the other side of an invisible wall. A few more hard, deep thrusts from his lover, and his release would be out of his control. 

Mike could feel the strain as Chester kept his weight on one hand, and he looked down to watch what he could see of his order being followed. He always felt a sense of power when Chester did as he was told when they were in the heat of things like they were right now. “Yes, that’s it,” he called out, “don’t stop! Come on, babe, I need to come! I want you to come for me!” He kept his thrusts steady but he could feel the rush coming. With his hand pressed tight against Chester’s lips, he ordered again, “come for me, now!”

Jason had been distracted when Mike and Chester appeared suddenly in the middle of what had quickly escalated beyond tender makeup sex between him and Ryan. Though Ryan had coaxed him back to willing participation, it had been hard to stay focused on what they were doing, knowing that Mike and Chester were just upstairs. Even knowing that the other couple wasn’t paying them a single bit of attention and were lost in their own world, Jason still felt a little strange. It had been a long time since he’d been in a position for someone else to see or hear him having sex, and though he kept his eyes on Ryan, it was hard to ignore the sounds drifting over the half walls of the bedroom. He heard Chester’s cries for more, and then he heard nothing but Mike’s commands. It was easy to imagine exactly what was happening between the two of them. Jason had seen it all, and when he closed his eyes and pulled Ryan down closer to him, the pictures in his mind were crystal clear. He could easily imagine Mike pounding into Chester from behind. 

They were close, he and Ryan. Jason could tell from the gasps and moans from his lover, from the pacing, from every piece of history they shared. He could feel his own release building, and Ryan was doing that thing with his hips that Jason loved, that thing that always pushed him over the edge. But this morning, it wasn’t just the way Ryan was latched to him that made him come. It was the sound of Mike’s voice, the way he ordered Chester to come before him, that sent Jason over the edge. 

It caught him a little by surprise, the release of all the tension that had built in his body, the unexpected trigger of Mike’s command causing him to come hard. He barely recognized the loud moan that escaped from his lips as it seemed that everyone was getting theirs at the same time. Jason had been around long enough to know that wasn’t true, but it seemed that way as he heard Mike finally let go upstairs, and he knew Ryan was close behind. He was too tired to wonder if Chester had gotten off to Mike’s voice the same way he had.

The sound of Jason moaning so loud, his nails lightly gripping his back, was enough for Ryan to hit his release. He lowered his head, his lips next to his boyfriend’s ear as he came. He pressed his nose and cheek to Jason’s sweaty skin as his hips sped up to overdrive and then slowly came to a stop. He was deep inside his lover’s body, and as his weight partially sank onto Jason, Ryan felt drained not only physically but emotionally. The night before had been hard on his heart - on his soul - and reuniting with his boyfriend was more than he could ask for in the moment. They had talked, they had apologized and made promises, and now they had made love. The sounds from upstairs hadn’t phased Ryan, or his desire for Jason. If anything, it was the opposite of distracting. Chester’s voice and moans were familiar and even though they’d gone from loud and clear to muffled, something like satisfaction had poured over Ryan. 

“We can do this so much more often now,” he panted into Jason’s ear, his forehead on the mattress. “Whenever we want.” 

Mike let his hand drop away from Chester’s mouth. They were both breathing heavily in the aftermath, but it was quiet, and it took Mike a second to realize the sounds from downstairs had stopped. He was still coming down as he dropped a few kisses to the back of Chester’s neck, then ran his nose along the skin there lightly before he smiled. “You’re so amazing. That was so good. It was good for you, too, I could tell. You came so hard for me, didn’t you?” Mike was satisfied, and he was pretty certain Chester was, too, but it never hurt to check. 

Chester nodded as he breathed with his mouth open, now that Mike was no longer restricting him. “Hell yes,” he managed to say. “I’m spent, Sexy Boy. You made me come so hard. It’s all over our blanket, and my hand.” He was back to supporting himself fully, his arms burning with the need to let go, but Mike was still connected to him, and until his lover resolved that, Chester couldn’t move. 

“Nothing a little laundry won’t fix,” Mike said lightly, shifting his weight back. “I hate this part. You ready?” As much as he hated pulling out, he knew the sensation was nothing compared to what Chester felt. He’d been on that end of things enough to know how important it was to be gentle and go slow. 

“Never ready, but go ahead.” Chester braced himself, trying to make his body relax as he felt Mike’s long, thick shaft pull slowly out. Chester let out a whimper at the burning sensation, his insides screaming. The moment he felt the cruel emptiness take over his bottom, he bolted forward on the bed and rolled over, away from where he knew his fluids had spilled. He was on his back, staring up at the ceiling fan spinning over their heads. “That was good. All of it.” He looked over at the wall, listening to the silence. “Guess they’re done, too. See?” he said, casting his attention back to Mike, who was still standing at the edge of the bed, his hands on his naked hips as he breathed, “it’s not weird. We’re all friends. All adults. It’s fine.” 

Mike considered Chester’s words for a second, his eyes going over every inch of his boyfriend’s naked body. He wasn’t so sure, but he certainly wasn’t going to argue about it right now. “Right,” he decided, leaning over to scoop up his boxers. “It’s not weird.” He thought about saying more, about how they had to put on clothes to walk through the loft to clean up, and how that reminded him of YRS, but he didn’t. He simply leaned over the bed and kissed Chester, repeating, “it's fine.” 

****  
TBC


	5. A Voice From the Past

It had been a good week. Chester and Ryan were enjoying their work at Score, and Mike was settling back into a routine at Red Pelican. Jason walked into the loft Friday afternoon with a smile on his face. His own job wasn’t close to his skill level, but it was a job and he was fitting in nicely with his pressed slacks and button down shirts. They were all going to be bringing home paychecks now, and that was a huge weight lifted from Jason’s shoulders. It had been a long time since he’d worried about money, and the fact that his business - which used to provide paychecks for his roommates - no longer did hadn’t escaped him either.

_But we’re going to be okay. I can finally see the light, at least in that respect. With the four of us sharing expenses, we’ll make it until everything gets settled. I haven’t worried this much since before we met, hon. You came at the right time to take care of everything for me… and left so unexpectedly, left everything such a mess._ Jason dumped his laptop bag on the table and tossed his keys and phone down next to it. He knew Chester and Ryan would probably be walking in next, and then dinner would get started. _Thank goodness for Chaz. We’d all starve if he didn’t like to cook so much._

He went into the bathroom and washed his hands, giving his reflection in the mirror a cursory glance before he went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water to take to the couch. There would just be a few minutes of silence and peace before his boyfriend got home, and he and Chaz would be their usual boisterous selves. He kicked his shoes off as soon as he sat down and watched as he somehow managed to kick one under the bed. With a sigh, he bent over and tugged on the end of the shoe. The strap of the bag he had shoved under the bed a few days ago caught on the shoe, and the corner of the bag poked out from its hiding place.

Jason regarded the strap for a moment. It had been a few days since he’d thought about looking at Mark’s phone. The loft was quiet, and he looked around as if someone were looking over his shoulder before he pulled the bag toward him. _Ry’s probably right. It’s not that big of a deal._

They’d discussed Mark’s phone a few times, but Jason hadn’t admitted that one of the things stopping him - one of many things - was the thought that once he’d looked through whatever information was on that device, that would be all. There would be nothing left to discover about Mark at all. That phone had been a closely guarded part of Mark’s private life, and it almost felt like betraying Mark’s trust to go through it. _You don’t blame me for wanting to know, right? We both know you kept things from me, but it doesn’t matter now. Not really. What secrets would you have kept there, anyway? It’s probably like Ry says. It’s not even going to be a big deal. And then I can put it away and be finished._

In a flash of courage, Jason grabbed the phone from the bag and plugged it into his charger. He couldn’t help but look around the loft again as he waited for it to get enough juice to power on. _Come on, hurry up. I don’t want Ry to see me with it._ No matter what was on Mark’s phone, Jason wanted the ability to decide if he wanted to talk about it or not. He kept looking at the silent phone impatiently, waiting for the moment it decided to flash the Apple icon on the black screen, signaling that it was going to work. 

It seemed to take a long time, though it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. As soon as Jason saw the screen light up, he sighed. _It’s going to be his calendar, financial stuff, apps I’ve probably never heard of… photos. I wonder what kind of photos he’ll have. I never really saw him take photos. He always left that to me._ Jason watched as the lock screen came to life, demanding a fingerprint or a six digit passcode. He stared at the screen. _Six digits. God, that could be anything. Ok, hon. Help me out._

A few seconds later, he tried their anniversary, only slightly disappointed that the phone rejected that date. Jason wracked his brain, trying to come up with a significant date. He tried Mark’s birthday, then his own. The phone notified him there were seven more attempts until he was locked out, and Jason knew that Mark probably had it set to erase the entire phone if there were that many failed attempts. He slowed down and tried to think logically. It took a few minutes for him to come up with the next date. He was certain of the year - 2009 - but a little fuzzy on the day he’d met Mark. Jason concentrated, piecing together bits from his past to get him an accurate date. He’d been eighteen for only a few months, struggling to keep his life together while he finished high school, and trying to figure out how to finance the future. _A couple of weeks before graduation. Was it a Friday night? No. It was the end of the weekend. I had school the next day, but there I was in a bar with a fake ID. What day was that?_

He pulled out his own phone and flipped through the calendar until he got to May 2009. _May 3. That’s the date._ With his heart thundering, he tried 050309, deciding in a split second that Mark would have liked all the zeros, and it was almost too good to be true when the lock screen dissolved to Mark’s home screen. The background was a picture of the two of them, and Jason looked past the apps to determine it was from some wine country vacation they’d taken. They were in a vineyard, and Mark looked relaxed. Jason looked at himself and realized just how young he looked. 

It didn’t matter now. Mark was gone and Jason was holding his phone, everything open and ready for him to go through. He felt like a criminal.

He hit Mark’s web browser first, glancing through the open tabs. There was an open article on the stock market, one for the YRS site, and another that was local news. Nothing exciting. Jason closed out and pulled up the photos next, glancing through the few Mark actually had on his phone. There were several of himself, most of which were posed, and several of Chaz, most of which looked as though the subject were unaware he was being photographed. There was a handful of the other boys, one of Mike and Chester at the piano, and a lot of scenery from their travels. There wasn’t anything shocking or scandalous, not like he’d found in Mark’s office. Jason put that memory out of his mind and closed the photos app. He looked through Mark’s calendar, but most of what was there he already knew. There were some cryptic entries, but most of it looked business related. Jason closed that out and thumbed through the rest of the apps on the phone before pressing the home button and looking at the front page of apps. 

_Ry was right. No big deal. There’s nothing on here I didn’t already know. I don’t know why I was so worried about it. I can get myself anxious over anything._ He shook his head, ready to unplug the phone and put it back in the bag to be forgotten, but his eyes stopped on the little microphone icon for voice memos. He clicked it without thought, and his eyebrows lifted in surprise. There were tons of notes, most under thirty seconds, dating back months. Jason clicked on one and Mark’s voice was jarring.

**“Scene idea for Amir and Noah: Let’s put Amir by the pool, relaxing, looking cool and his balls-on, I-don’t-care look. He spies around, sees that he’s all alone and decides to ditch his trunks. Enter Noah the pool boy. Yeah. I think that will look good. Have Jason do promo shots with the boys dripping wet and looking sexy. Also, have Brad pick up a cherry pie this week. I’ve been craving it for some reason.”**

Jason couldn’t help the snort of laughter, even though his heart was racing and his hands were shaking. Hearing Mark’s voice again was surreal. _Mark and his cherry pies. It was always so random when he’d get a craving for cherry pie. If the boys weren’t there we’d have cherry pie for days. I never told him it wasn’t my favorite. He loved it._ There were a lot of cherry pie memories, conversations that had been shared over the dessert, and even mornings that Mark had brought pie back to the bedroom with coffee for his breakfast. Jason rolled his eyes with an indulgent smile and flicked the next voice note.

**“I know it’s early, but I think Amir and Noah really have something good between them. Amir acts like a badass, but I think it really goes well with Noah’s lost schoolboy routine. I get the feeling they’re going to be our new opposites attract couple. I can already hear the money coming in. I was a little worried about bringing Noah on at first, but Devon and Caleb have done a good job with him. He’s actually turning into quite the little star. People like that fiery red hair of his, and it looks fantastic with Amir’s darker mop. Jason was right about that. It’s a good contrast - their hair, their age, their attitudes, even the way they hold themselves and how they look at the camera. Totally opposite. It’s a crowd pleaser.”**

It felt good to hear Mark give him some credit for Amir and Noah, even though that had been an idea born of desperation while they were in Seattle and Jason was trying to cover his tracks with Ryan. Noah’s hair did look spectacular on camera, and there was something interesting about their completely opposite skin tones, not to mention their demeanor in general. Amir had always been a hard person to pair with the others, but somehow, Noah made it work. _Too bad they didn’t work together much. You’re right, hon, they could have been big money makers. Oh well._

Jason’s hands weren’t shaking as much anymore. Mark’s voice notes weren’t earth shattering. They were almost cute. He clicked another. This one was longer. 

**“I’m starting to worry about Devon and Caleb. Watching them earlier while they sat at the table trying to work a puzzle together, they’re getting close. I talked to Chaz about it, since he’s close to Devon, and he confirmed they’re really getting...how did he put it? Into each other. That’s what he said. They’re really getting _into_ each other, which is Chaz speak for they’re fucking outside of work. I knew they would be good when I put them together as scene partners, but they’re growing together really quickly. It’s great for their scene work. It’s bringing an extra honest breath of passion into it, but I can’t have them dating. They know the rules about that, but ever since I allowed Chaz to bring his boyfriend in here, I get the feeling that rule is going to be harder to enforce. I need to talk to Jason about it, see what he thinks we should do. They’re bringing in too much money to split them up, so it makes the whole thing delicate, but the last thing I need is another Mike and Chaz on my hands. Chaz used to be so easy. I’d say it, and he’d do it without even blinking. Now it’s like he has to run everything by Mike first. I swear that boy tests my patience. He has a lot of talent, even outside of fucking Chaz on camera, and I know he knows it. Mike Shinoda will forever be a thorn in my side. I can feel it. Also, have Brad put ribs on the menu for next week. Make sure he gets some bourbon for them, and we’ll serve some on the side for the boys that night. It will be an unexpected treat for them.”**

Jason remembered the ribs and the bourbon, but his thoughts left that quickly to ponder what Mark had said about Devon and Caleb. Mark had never asked him about their two employees, but he vaguely remembered Chester mentioning talking to Mark about them the night they’d all gone bowling. He looked up from the phone and across the room, trying to remember if he’d seen anything before that night between Devon and Caleb that pointed to trouble. _It just seemed like their chemistry was really working in their favor. Their shoots were super hot toward the end. I guess Mark saw it before any of the rest of us did. It looked like work to me. But he always had an eye for that. He was on alert for it after Mike came on. God, he hated Mike._ Reflexively Jason’s eyes went to the ceiling. _Didn’t you? Mike challenged you, hon, and it was hard for you to take it._

The next few messages were short, little reminders of things to add to the grocery list, to pick up from the store, or to instruct Jason or the boys on. Jason listened to each snippet from the past before he got to a much longer message. He looked at the time and decided it would be the last one. Ryan and Chester would be home any minute.

**“Things with Jason are getting worse. Well, things are getting worse between us. Seeing him with Mike the other night was an eye opener. He enjoyed it. I could tell by the way he went down on him and how Mike reacted to it. I’d forgotten what a little minx my husband is.”**

There was a long stretch of silence, and Jason held his breath in shock, waiting. He knew there was more - there were minutes left in the memo - and he was anxious to hear what else Mark had to say about him and Mike. It was true he and Mike had both enjoyed what had been done under duress in the master bedroom at YRS. They had admitted as much to each other, but Jason didn’t know that Mark had noticed. _Doesn’t surprise me. He saw everything._

**“I know he’s going to leave me one day. He’s already tried once. Maybe more times than that and I just don’t know about it. I can’t believe he’s been fooling around with Ryan. Ryan. Ryan Shuck.”**

Jason heard the venom in Mark’s voice as he spit out Ryan’s name. 

**“Of all the available boys, why on earth did Jason ever pick him? On film he’s a nice cash cow, but in real life he’s so subpar for anything other than a quick lay. I can’t even picture him with Jason. If I didn’t see them together with my own eyes, I wouldn’t even believe it. He’s uncultured and brutish. He looks like he belongs at a bar or a strip club, not out for fine dining or mingling at the country club. He probably doesn’t even know how to play tennis. And all that leather. Jason could do so much better than that. If he’s going to leave me, he at least needs to find someone up to standard. **

**It’s going to be different around here after he leaves. I’ll need someone to take his place with the camera, but he’s so much more than that. . . I probably haven’t given him enough credit over the years for how much he does. His creative eye for beauty is one I’ve never quite seen the equal of. Maybe he sees some beauty in Ryan.”**

Jason waited through another short pause while Mark thought things through. 

**“No. There’s no beauty there. He’s a big lug. I guess if I were picking, out of all of the boys...I would say someone more like Mike would be the best suited for him, as much as it pains me to admit it. Jason needs someone he’s got chemistry with, and he doesn’t have that with Ryan. Not even a little bit. He needs someone who already comes from money; they wouldn’t be a stranger to what’s expected. Someone with real talent outside of these walls. He’s already been with Mike, so that’s tested, at least. Maybe Mike would work out if he’d ever let Chaz out of his death grip. I know the chemistry between him and Jason is spot on, and even if he is a spoiled brat, I could see Jason training him.”**

_Training?_ Jason snorted softly in disbelief. _Nobody trains Mike Shinoda. I thought you learned that, hon._

**“I hate change, but I’ve worn Jason out. I know things went too far this last time. I went too far. I love him so much, I just wanted to make it clear he wasn’t going to be seeing anyone else, but the more I think about it, maybe it’s time. I need to redo that draft of the divorce papers. I can’t bring myself to not let him have something. He’s put in the time. He deserves it. But he’s gotta do better than Ryan Shuck. That boy is going nowhere. Jason needs someone with a future and a bright mind. Ryan makes Chaz happy, he won’t make Jason happy. Not in the long run. He’s not enough. Jason deserves the best.”**

Even though Jason knew about the unfiled divorce papers in Mark’s desk, it was somewhat shocking to hear he’d been reconsidering tossing Jason out into the street with nothing. _Even if it never got that far, thanks for not being a total asshole,_ Jason thought. He didn’t have time to dwell on that small detail, though. Mark was talking again.

**“Also, remind Brad to pick me up some chewing gum from the store, we need it for a scene next week, and I’m out of paperclips.”**

The voice note ended and Jason looked down at the phone as though there would be still more. It had been a long tirade of Mark’s bitterness, sprinkled with everyday reminders. _Paperclips. He goes from hating Ryan to putting me with Mike, to paperclips._ Jason closed his eyes. It was too much information to process. _He had every reason to hate Ry. But some of that was just mean. Why be so mean? Ry is so amazing. I don’t care if he can play tennis. He’s soft and gentle and so sweet to me. Nothing like Mark thinks. I wasn’t cultured when I met Mark and he didn’t have a problem with me. He made me into who he wanted me to be._ Jason felt his shoulders sag a little at that thought. _I wasn’t up to standard, either. But he saw something in me. And I see something better in Ryan. He loves me. I love him. Mike?? Why would you ever think I should be with Mike, hon? Really? I’ve never seen someone so devoted to another person. It would take a lot for Mike and Chaz to break up. You just hate Mike, too._

Jason shook his head, his thoughts getting all jumbled up as he worked through Mark’s words. _Or maybe he didn’t hate Mike. Why would he want me to be with Mike? Or was it that he just didn’t want me to be with Ry? And of course I tried to leave. I wanted to leave with Ry._ He’d heard Mark’s declaration of love, and it pulled at his heart even though he wanted to ignore it. It was so much easier to pretend that Mark hadn’t loved him, than to think that someone who loved him could cheat on him, could control him, would ever be able to smack him around the way Mark had done so often. _Love. Obviously love isn’t enough, if you can treat someone you love the way you did, Mark. What is love, anyway? Was it ever really there between us, or did I just fit into your mold? Maybe you just forgot how to show it somewhere along the way._

There was a frustration Jason hadn’t felt in a while toward his late husband. Once Mark was gone, all the frustrations and fears and unhappiness seemed to leave Jason’s thoughts, but now they were back. He wanted more than ever to talk to Mark, and for Mark to talk back. _Ry makes me happy, hon. Maybe he makes Chaz happy too, but Chaz has Mike. Mike isn’t my choice, and you aren’t here to make that choice for me. Ryan and I will be happy, you have to believe me on that._

There were two more short messages, inconsequential things, and then that was all. Jason closed the voice memos and sat thinking for a few seconds before he unplugged it from the charger and powered it off. He’d just put it back in the bag and tucked it under the bed when he heard the front door open. Jason turned around in time to see Mike on his way in, and a flush came over him immediately. Even though there was no way for Mike to know about Mark’s thoughts, he still felt like he’d been caught.

“Ches isn’t home yet?” Mike asked, looking around. He knew Chester wasn’t home yet because his car wasn’t in the usual spot, but he asked anyway as he took his backpack over to his piano space. “I’m starving. We need to think of something quick for dinner tonight. I was hoping he’d already have something started.” Mike left his backpack on the piano bench and turned around to look at Jason. “How was your day?”

“Yeah, they’re not back yet, and it was fine.” Jason threw his arm over the back of the couch to keep his eye on Mike while he walked back into the kitchen. His eyes lingered for a minute on Mike’s hair that was at an awkward length, like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to grow it out or cut it. It was the first time Jason had really assessed Mike since they’d left YRS behind. Mike had always had a fresh haircut and dye job, but in the weeks since Mark’s passing, that seemed to have dropped off the radar. He was wearing a typical red and black Mike Shinoda flannel, black jeans, and Vans, and Jason couldn’t figure out why Mark would think Mike would be a better match than Ryan. _Mike certainly doesn’t dress or act like he comes from money. I guess that’s what Mark meant by training him._

Jason smiled briefly. He couldn’t imagine Mike any other way than how he appeared now. Flannels and sneakers were practically a trademark. “We could always order something if you’re that hungry.” 

Mike looked back over his shoulder at Jason. “I can wait. I never want to deny Ches the joy of cooking. Unless he’s too tired, then it’s whatever he wants. You know how he likes doing it.” He opened the refrigerator and took out a Vanilla Coke. “Sometimes I wish I could cook more than a grilled cheese, but I’ve got Ches, so I’m all set. Maybe he can teach me something someday. Well, he’s taught me how to chop vegetables. That’s probably to keep me out of his way while he does the important stuff.” Mike grinned as he popped the top of the can and took a drink.

_Two people that can’t cook. Well, Ry doesn’t cook either. So what difference does it make?_ Jason smiled back. “Probably. I know Brad never wanted anyone in his kitchen in his way. Except Chaz. He was good about having Chaz there, probably because he could actually help.” He watched Mike head over to the windows to look outside, and his eyes drifted over Mike’s body again. He’d seen them both naked more times than he could count. _He’s so different from Ry, in every way. Ry’s all long legs and arms and muscles and tattoos, and Mike is… softer. But Mike’s the aggressive one. Ry’s so tender and sweet. My baby._ Jason tried to shake Mark’s musings away from his own thoughts, but the seed that Ryan might not be the best life partner had been planted.

“I’m so thankful to be away from there,” Mike said, more to the ocean outside than to Jason. “I know being crammed in here isn’t super comfortable, but it’s better than being at YRS.” Teaching piano lessons wasn’t pulling in a lot of money yet, but it was better than nothing, and in Mike’s eyes, a thousand times better than being under Mark’s rules. He turned as the front door opened again, and Chester and Ryan came in talking to each other animatedly. 

Chester’s sunglasses were propped up on top of his head, supported by his dark curls as he left his keys and phone on the bar. “You’re wrong, Ry, bell bottom jeans are just never going to be cool. Ever,” he insisted before meeting Mike by the windows. “Helllllo, Sexy Boy,” he cooed, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist from behind and kissing his neck. “Fuck, I’ve missed you all day.” 

Mike leaned his head back and his eyes slid closed as he smiled. “I’ve missed you, too. How was your day, babe?” He felt the damp spot Chester’s lips left on his neck before moving to the spot behind his ear. Chester had his full attention in mere seconds. 

“Weird and awkward,” Chester said as he continued to pet kisses over Mike’s warm skin, he even poked his tongue out to lick at the shell of Mike’s ear. “And yours?” he asked, one hand sliding to Mike’s hip as he pulled them together a little more. 

“Mmmm,” Mike hummed, letting Chester do what he wanted to him, right in the middle of the windows and with Jason and Ryan in the room. “It was just kind of okay, until you got here. Now it’s the best.” With his free hand he reached back to touch Chester’s head. “You’re making me rethink how hungry I am.”

Chester snaked his hand up under Mike’s flannel, and then his t-shirt, touching his belly. “Don’t say that. I was going to make tacos.” He shut his eyes as he breathed in deeply. “I’m just glad to be home. I really got used to us being together all the time. I think I’m going through Sexy Boy withdrawl sometimes.”

Jason huffed out a breath and rolled his eyes at Mike and Chester as he walked into Ryan’s arms and focused his attention on his boyfriend. “Hey,” he murmured, his voice low. “Hope you’re feeling like going out tonight.” He felt Ryan’s arms tighten around him in a hug and Jason pressed his lips into Ryan’s neck. “Did you have a good day?” 

Even though Ryan had his heart set on Chester’s tacos, he didn’t miss the show in front of the window, or the way Jason’s voice sounded as he asked to leave. “We can go wherever you want,” he told him before he looked across the dining area. “Hey, you two, we’re heading out for dinner. Have fun,” he said, and he had to laugh at the barely-there backwards glance from Chester, but that’s all it was. 

“Guessing you’re ready to go?” Ryan asked as he stepped back from Jason. “And my day’s been good. Funny, mostly.” 

“You can tell me all about it,” Jason said. “Let’s go.” He glanced back over at Mike and Chester. Mike had set his coke on the table and turned around, and he had both hands on Chester’s ass as they kissed. He looked away quickly and scooped his phone up from the couch. _Mike is always seconds away from having Chester naked. I’ve never seen someone who hated porn who enjoys sex as much as he does. Not sure I’d want to get mixed up in that. I’d have to get him under control._ Jason shoved that thought away quickly. _Damn it, Mark. I don’t even need to be thinking about that._

He looked to catch Ryan’s eyes. “You okay with leaving now? I know you just got home, but I’m ready to get something to eat.” 

Ryan nodded as he reached his hand out for Jason to take. “I’m with you. Let’s get out of here and go rob a taco stand.” He winked with a silly grin as Jason slid their fingers together. “We should go to that one place that has the drippy candles on the tables. I can’t remember what it’s called. You know the one that’s less taco stand and more authentic Mexican.” 

Jason pulled on Ryan’s hand. “Rob a taco stand. You’re so crazy sometimes.” He flashed a smile at his boyfriend as they passed through the kitchen. “I’ll drive. I know exactly the place you’re talking about.” He didn’t look back at Mike again, even though he was tempted to see if his prediction was right and somebody had already lost an article of clothing. _I hope they take that upstairs and don’t do it on the kitchen table. We all eat there._

Ryan didn’t argue. He loved it when Jason drove. He had a smooth way of handling the L.A. traffic that came off less race car and more slick hot guy. “We’re out of here!” he shouted one last time, even though he knew it didn’t matter. Mike’s flannel was already off and tossed to the floor. Ryan knew they were getting out of the loft just in time. 

He jumped ahead to grab the door for Jason. “After you.” 

Mike barely registered Ryan’s farewell. He squeezed Chester’s ass gently as their kiss broke, then he planted two more on his boyfriend’s lips. “Oh, look. We’re all alone. I could just have you for dinner right here, Ches,” he teased. “Right here.” He stepped forward, moving Chester backwards with him, and then scooped him up, depositing him on the table. “You’re too big for my plate but I don’t care.” He nipped a few soft bites to Chester’s jawline as he leaned over him. 

Chester’s insides were already squirming with excitement. “You just need a bigger plate,” he mumbled, sliding his hand up under Mike’s t-shirt and lightly scraping his nails over the soft skin of his boyfriend’s side and back. He dropped his fingers lower, brushing them over the top of Mike’s jeans and the waistband of his boxers that were just barely poking out. His eyes were shut as he leaned his head to the side, giving his lover full access to his neck and shoulder and all the skin his gray v-neck shirt was showing off. A soft moan popped from his lips before he added, “I love it when we’re alone.”

“Mmmhmm,” Mike hummed, dropping his kisses down Chester’s neck. “It feels like it’s been forever.” Chester’s legs were around his waist now, and he pulled Chester closer. The table was the perfect height for making out and rubbing together, and more than once in their time at the loft they’d made use of it for other activities. Mike was ready to pull Chester’s shirt off, lay him back, and suck on his nipples. But once his hands got up under the hem of the gray t-shirt, Chester’s warm skin was too enticing. He skimmed his hands over Chester’s back as he kissed his neck, and then his fingers went down the back of Chester’s jeans. 

The kisses and nips came to a sudden halt as Mike felt something foreign. It wasn’t the typical elastic waistband of Chester’s underwear. He knew that collection by heart. This was different - softer, and thinner. He pulled back to look at Chester. “What are you wearing under there?” 

“Oh,” Chester whispered before ducking his eyes for a second. “You probably don’t want to know.” He looked up at the quizzical look on Mike’s face. “There was an incident at work,” Chester half explained, dropping his leg grip around Mike’s waist so he could twist his hips. He lifted his shirt out of the way, and shoved his jeans down just an inch to reveal the pink lace of the women's panties he had on. “Mine got ruined, and this was the only thing at Score. Can you believe that? We’re a freakin’ clothing company, and this is what I got stuck with.” 

Mike’s mouth felt dry. The last thing he’d been expecting was his boyfriend in panties, and even more surprising to him was the fact that it turned him on just thinking about it. “Yeah. That’s crazy. Panties?” He reached out and pulled at the button on the front of Chester’s jeans. “Show me,” he begged, the sight of the thin strip of pink lace making his heart beat a little faster.

The shift in Mike’s tone wasn’t lost on Chester. He knew arousal when he heard it. “Really? You want to see them?” he teased, running one finger down his chest and to the popped button on his jeans. “Guess I could give you a little show. But you gotta step back.” He pushed Mike on the chest with his finger as he wrinkled his nose. 

It was immediate. Mike stepped back and nodded his head. “Okay.” He didn’t know why the idea of Chester in panties was so exciting. Maybe it was the way his lover was being so coy about it. Suddenly Mike had a vision of hauling Chester upstairs and stripping him down just to the pink underwear, completely forgetting about dinner and tacos. “This is better than tacos,” he added, watching Chester intently.

Tacos weren’t currently on Chester’s mind either as he eased himself off the table. “If you didn’t notice, these aren’t my jeans or my shirt either,” he explained as he stood a few feet in front of Mike. He pulled at the front of the gray v-neck, which was obviously at least one size too big on him. “We were having lunch, and Forrest’s assistant Talinda’s nasty-ass low calorie Ranch dressing exploded,” he said dramatically as he unzipped his jeans. “I was next to her, and it got all over me - my shirt, and my pants. The toxic stuff ate through my jeans and got to my underwear! I could have died!” he gasped, before he toed his shoes off and shoved his jeans down, stepping out of them. “So I had to shower at work to make sure I got the stuff off of me, and then I needed a whole new outfit to wear home, and this is what I got.” He spread his arms out to either side as he stood in the pink lace panties and the oversized shirt. 

Mike was only half-ass listening to the story. He heard something about a ranch explosion, and that was enough. He decided that Chester looked sexy in those panties, and he didn’t care how he’d gotten them on. “You look fuckin’ hot in those,” Mike said, pointing at his boyfriend. “I think pink might be your color in lace.” He wanted to touch them, and he took a step back toward Chester. “They look really soft. And they sure don’t leave much to the imagination.” 

Chester lifted his shirt as he looked down at himself. “I know. I’m practically in fishnets over here. Fishnet underwear,” he laughed as he looked up. “And they are soft.” He took a step forward, leaving him only inches from Mike. “Go ahead, touch them. I know you want to,” he whispered. 

Mike reached out, one hand going right to Chester’s hip. He felt the soft material and a shiver of anticipation went down his spine before he reached his other hand out and grabbed the other hip, pulling Chester into him. “God, they’re so thin, it’s like you’re not wearing anything.” He slid his hands around to cup his boyfriend’s ass, enjoying the silky feeling of the lace and the warmth of Chester’s skin. 

Reflexively, Chester’s arms went around Mike’s neck. “Mmmm, I like that. Squeeze me tighter,” he suggested as he started to kiss on Mike’s jawline. It didn’t take him long to make it to his boyfriend’s ear, and his tongue was out to tease his gold hoop earring almost immediately. 

“Ches, fuck,” Mike whispered, his body reacting to everything that was happening. The kisses and the panties together were almost too much already. He could feel himself getting hard and he had far too many clothes on, but it didn’t seem like Chester was about to take any more off of him. He loosened his grip on Chester’s ass long enough to tug at the bottom of the shirt he honestly hadn’t even noticed. Chester had been on him as soon as he walked in the door. “I think you need to take this off. But leave the panties,” he suggested, his breath hot against Chester’s neck. 

The horny part of Chester was ready to strip off the shirt and then get Mike naked, too, until a new thought crossed his mind. “Anything you want, Sexy Boy. But,” he said, pushing Mike back a half a step, and he could see the lust in his boyfriend’s eyes, which was a turn on all by itself, “you should go shower first. I’ll be right here when you get back.” 

“Wait, what?” Mike whined, his fingers still latched on to Chester’s shirt and pulling at it. “Ches, really?” He stuck out his bottom lip in a full on pout. “That’s so not fair. You come in here in panties and kissing on my neck, and then you want me to shower?” Mike was just barely able to make himself not stomp his foot like a child. “You’re so mean.” He let go of the shirt and took a deep breath. “Damn it. It’s going to be the fastest shower ever, just so you know.” 

Chester couldn’t hold back the little giggle that came out. “I’m not being mean,” he said as he stepped around Mike to get behind him. He laced his arms around his middle and pecked a kiss to his neck. “I had no idea kissing you in front of the window would lead to this, and I honestly forgot I had these lacy things on. Go shower, Seeexy Boy,” he hummed, nuzzling his nose to the back of Mike’s ear. “And hurry back.” 

“Fuck,” Mike hissed again under his breath before he got away from Chester and scrambled up the stairs. It didn’t occur to him until he was already up there that he didn’t need pajamas, much less underwear, but he grabbed a clean pair of boxers out of habit and flew back down to the bathroom. Chester was in the kitchen, his t-shirt still on and his ass covered in pink peeking out from the bottom. Mike blew out an impatient breath. “I’m going to hurry. Don’t go anywhere.” 

“Don’t worry!” Chester shouted after his boyfriend, but the bathroom door was already shut, and the sound of the shower came quickly after it. “Damn. He is going to go fast.” Chester turned to his kitchen, already mentally counting up how long it would take to make tacos, and balancing that with the new plan of making out on the table. _Seems silly to make tacos right now. They’ll just get cold. Fuck it. I’ll make them after._

It was a quick decision, and then Chester made another. He walked back to the dining table, and one by one he moved the chairs out of the way. He pulled his shirt off, tossed it over the back of one of them, and then turned to the table. They’d had sex on it before, which was usually spontaneous, but this was going to be planned. 

Chester looked down at himself, in just his socks and the pink panties. _Socks, you gotta go. You’re killing my sexy vibe._ He pulled them off one at a time, and tossed them onto the seat of the chair that was also holding his shirt, and then he was ready. He adjusted himself, his hand feeling a little forgein against the lace that was hiding his cock. The panties weren’t too tight, so they were reasonably comfortable, even though he figured he probably wouldn’t have them on for long. 

He scooted himself back onto the table, to the middle this time, before he laid back. He bent his knees, bringing his feet up on the tabletop with him, and spread his legs. His arms were at his sides as he stared up at the ceiling for a second, and then closed his eyes. He listened to the quiet sound of the loft, the shower in the background. He liked having Jason and Ryan around as roommates, but it was even nicer when it was just him and Mike. 

Mike ran his hand over his hair one more time to make sure there were no shampoo bubbles before he turned the water off and grabbed his towel. He wasn’t even sure he was clean, but he’d mostly rubbed soap everywhere. The boxers he’d brought into the bathroom with him were on the vanity, and he left them there, wrapping his towel around his waist instead before he opened the bathroom door. 

His attention went straight to where Chester was laying on the table, and Mike took a deep breath and made himself slow down. “Oh, look at you,” he called softly. “You’re so naughty.” He walked slowly to the table and stood between Chester’s feet, leaning over to kiss both knees that were in the air. “What am I going to do with you, babe?” He kissed a light trail down the inside of Chester’s left thigh, his eyes on the pink lace covered bulge between his lover’s legs.

Chester’s hand went to Mike’s longer hair. “You can keep doing that,” he mumbled, his eyes still closed. Mike’s lips were warm and wet, and the closer they got to his crotch, the more his dick plumped with excitement. He was ready to feel Mike’s mouth on the panties, to get that mix of hot breath, soft lips, and lace all at once. 

Mike slid one hand down the outside of Chester’s other leg, his lips inching closer and closer to the panties. His lover didn’t smell like the peaches and beach the way he typically did, and the light floral scent was as out of place as the pink lace Mike was mesmerized by. For only a brief moment, Mike nuzzled his nose to the panties. He heard Chester inhale sharply, and he lingered for a moment, smelling his boyfriend’s scent under the tones of whatever soap he’d been forced to use. “It was a mixed up day, huh? How did you ever survive?” Mike lifted his head to try to see Chester’s eyes, but they were closed. “Unless… I bet you like wearing these, don’t you?” He kissed along the low edge of the lace below Chester’s bellybutton, his chin bumping Chester’s cock.

There was a breathy affirmation from above, and Mike smiled, leaving a few more kisses before he opened his mouth over top of the bulge that had been persistently nudging at him. He blew warm air as his lips barely caressed Chester’s cock through the pink lace, and he felt the fingers in his hair tighten slightly as he heard a soft moan. Mike teased for a moment, softly mouthing at the underwear without a lot of contact, just to make Chester squirm. 

With Mike’s sexy mouth teasing and hovering over his cock, it was hard for Chester to come up with a response. “They’re diiiifferent,” he said, his words slurred with arousal rather than alcohol. He picked his head up from the table, looking down at his boyfriend. He wasn’t sure how it was possible, but Mike actually looked sexier than usual, his dark hair clashing against the dainty pink lace. “I do,” Chester managed to say. “They feel nice.” 

He bucked his hips a little off the table, and he smiled as he watched his cock nudge Mike’s lips and nose. “Tag,” Chester laughed. “You’re it, Sexy Boy.”

Mike let his mouth open wider and this time pressed his tongue against the lace, leaving a wet spot on the fabric. He started to prod his tongue along Chester’s length, the panties slipping and then sticking against the skin underneath. In no time they were damp all the way across Chester’s cock, and Mike had worked his way up to cover the mushroom head with his mouth and lips, sucking gently through the lace. It was totally different from doing the same thing through Chester’s cotton underwear. The lace was so thin Mike could taste the precum through it, and he felt his own dick get harder in response.

Chester’s entire bottom half shook. His hand was still in Mike’s hair as his back arched. “Fuuuck,” he hissed, the feel of Mike’s lapping tongue and sucking lips was consuming. It was a different sensation, the lacy panties feeling sticky against his skin, but they were so thin it was a mix of contact and barrier. The thought to take them off so Mike could fully take him in was there, but Chester couldn’t bring himself to do it. The soft lace was new and exciting and he knew it was turning his boyfriend on. Chester heard himself whimper as Mike’s tongue pressed against his slit. His free hand dug into the table, his chest heaving as his heart rate tripled. 

The towel around Mike’s hips loosened and dropped to the floor, but he wasn’t concerned about standing by the windows naked with his face nestled between Chester’s legs. Living in the loft had taught him that nobody was watching them through the sixth floor windows. Mike reached down and stroked his aching cock a few times while he teased Chester through the panties, his mind racing ahead trying to figure out if he wanted Chester on the table or if he was going to stop long enough to get them both upstairs. He lifted his head and Chester moaned at the loss of contact. Mike thought he looked beautiful, spread out on the dining table. “God, I want you so much,” he murmured, moving his hands to Chester’s hips and easily sliding him up a few inches on the table so he could climb up there, too.

“Fuck, come on,” Chester called, groping both hands at Mike’s head and shoulders. He was ready for their cocks to rub together, to feel Mike’s dripping girth through the lace. He wanted to rub and dry hump, and claw at his boyfriend’s back. He managed to spread his legs a little more as Mike got on the table between them. Mike’s skin was warm and flushed, and it made him look virile. Chester couldn’t help himself. He was already lifting his hips, trying to get contact going. He caught a flash of Mike’s naked cock, and licked his lips before he sucked his piercing in, anticipation dripping from him.

Mike stretched his body out over Chester’s and settled between his legs, pressing their bodies together and Chester’s hips down to the table. He attacked Chester’s neck with kisses and soft bites, and he felt Chester’s nails sliding down his back to his ass. It sent a powerful shudder through him as their cocks bumped and rubbed together. He could feel the thin covering of the panties against his sensitive skin, a sensation that was new and somehow managed to excite him even more. He left a wet trail of kisses all along his lover’s skin as he moved his hips against Chester’s thrusts, his cock rock hard and dripping. “Here? Or in bed?” he husked into Chester’s ear, his body ready for more.

The table always seemed like a better idea than it actually was. Already Chester’s back was feeling the brunt of the hard surface. _And one of us would have to go up and get the lube anyway._ “In bed,” he grunted back between pants. “Our bed is better.” He had his nails dug into Mike’s asscheeks, and he didn’t want to let go. The feeling of the lacey undergarment rubbing between their cocks was grand, and Chester was already starting to feel a tingle in his thighs as his toes curled against the table. 

“I don’t want to stop.” Mike had known Chester would want to move to the bed, but the interruption was going to be painful. He pushed his hips into Chester’s one more time before he lifted his upper half up on his elbows and looked at his boyfriend. His skin was already damp and a light shade of pink, and in that moment Mike knew he could stop so they could get to something better. “Ugh, okay. Let’s go.” He lifted himself up the rest of the way and climbed off the table, then reached for Chester’s hand to help him. He couldn’t take his eyes off the lacey underwear. 

Sitting up sent a rush through Chester’s head, and he had to stop for a moment. “Whoah,” he gasped as he steadied himself. His body was hot, and sitting up sent a spike of strain through his lower half as he scooted on his butt to get off the table. His feet hit the floor, and he latched his arm around Mike’s middle. “I’m ready for more of that upstairs,” he said, plopping a quick kiss to his lover’s cheek before smacking his naked ass. 

A smile cracked over Mike’s face and he reached for Chester’s hand. “You can do more of that upstairs, too,” he promised, hurrying them along. When they passed through the living space he had the idea to just pull Chester over to the couch and stop there, but he made himself keep going to the stairs, motioning for Chester to go first. “You first. I want to watch your ass in those panties.” He licked his lips as Chester paused on the bottom step. 

“My ass loves to show off for you,” Chester said before he turned to go up the stairs. He took his time, swinging his hips with every step, and tossing Mike coy smiles over his shoulder every now and again. It was the best kind of fun for Chester, to tease and entice Mike until that moment when things would come together. 

At the top of the stairs, Chester made a quicker sprint to the bed. He twirled around right in front of the mattress, one hand going to his cock. He rubbed himself through the lace panties. “These are fun,” he said, his mouth open as he watched Mike get to the top of the stairs. 

Mike took one look at Chester and tackled him back to the bed, climbing right back on top of him the way they had been downstairs. “They’re making me crazy,” he said as he attacked Chester’s skin with kisses. “And you have no idea how fuckable you look in those.” It wasn’t often that Mike mixed the word fuckable into their sex life, but it was the only word that came to mind as his lover sashayed up the stairs. He kissed a quick trail down to one of Chester’s nipples and scraped his teeth over it lightly before he sucked it between his lips briefly, then gave the other nipple the same treatment. 

Chester’s head snapped from one side to the other. “I like being fuckable,” he said through heavy breaths. The sensation of Mike’s teeth and lips on his tender nipples made it hard to hold still, even with his lover’s weight on top of him. He shut his eyes, one hand went into Mike’s hair, and then down to the back of his neck. Chester grabbed on, as Mike’s thrusts rocked them both on the bed. The panties were beyond wet from the mix of their pre-cum, and Chester’s ass was feeling left out. “Sexy Boy, stop...stop for a second.”

Chester heard the growl of frustration from his boyfriend. “Don’t be like that,” Chester said, pushing on Mike’s chest to get him to back off. “I just want a change of position.” He sat up and pointed to the bed for Mike to lay down on his back instead.

With a huff Mike flopped over on his back. He was tired of interruptions, and usually when he ended up on his back, they simply rolled there together. This time, as soon as he moved, Chester was leaning away from him and toward the bedside table. “Chessss,” he whined, his hand going out to try to grab Chester’s back. “Come here.” 

“Just hang on. I’m getting supplies,” Chester answered without looking back at Mike. His concentration was on their stash of bedside items. The lube was front and center, and he tossed it on the bed. He considered the collar, which was the next thing in sight, but it was the zebra print handcuffs that caught his fancy instead. He pulled his piercing in, sucking on it in thought. _He had a rough go with those last time I put them on him...maybe because I teased him so much._

He went to reach for them, but stopped, his gaze landing on his own wrist and the memory of the bruises that had been left by the handcuffs at YRS. It was a hesitant pause, before he reminded himself that this would be nothing like that, and besides, their zebra cuffs were much softer than the cheap ones that had been used in their shoot. 

“So, I had a thought,” Chester said as he snatched the cuffs from the drawer and twisted back around, holding them up. “You can say no, but how about I snap you to the bed and I’ll ride you...in panties,” he added with a devilish grin.

Mike looked at the fluffy zebra print cuffs and the feisty glint in Chester’s eyes. He didn’t even need to think about it. It had been a long time since they’d done that, and even longer since he’d been the one in handcuffs. Even though the last time they’d tried, he’d ended up begging for Chester to take them off, he liked to think he had a little more self control now - and the idea of watching and not being able to touch sounded like it would be fun. It was different from being blindfolded and helpless. “Okay,” he decided quickly, scooting up closer to the headboard and lifting his arms above his head. “I’m ready.” 

“You’re such a willing victim,” Chester laughed as he inched his way up the bed. He got up on his knees, and he didn’t miss the opportunity to stick his crotch right near Mike’s face as he took his time, snapping the cuffs on. “We’ll take ‘em off as soon as you want to,” he said, clicking the first cuff in place. 

Mike lifted his head and made contact with Chester’s pink lace covered cock. “God, hurry up,” he whined again, pulling lightly on one wrist as Chester clicked the other cuff into place. If laying on the bed in handcuffs and letting Chester have his way made him a victim, then he was happy to be one. His body was aching in anticipation of what was to come, and as Chester moved away from his lips, Mike tried to chase him. He couldn’t move very far. He huffed out another breath and let his head fall to the pillow. “I’m so ready.” 

Chester didn’t wait. As soon as the cuffs were on, he straddled Mike’s waist, easing himself down. He felt it the moment their cocks were reunited, and a sharp intake of air came with it. He looked down at Mike’s face, at his dark eyes and the hungry need on his lips. “I love you,” he said, before he leaned forward, putting his weight back on his knees and elbows. He made a few thrusting motions, letting the lace slide between them. 

The urge was there for Mike to close his eyes and enjoy everything, but the best part of the experience was getting to look. He focused his energy on keeping his eyes open to watch Chester move on top of him. He lifted his hips a little to try for more contact, and hissed out a breath at the soft scratch of the lace on his skin. He could feel his heart pounding and he couldn’t wait to feel Chester around him. “I love you, too,” he panted, keeping his eyes on his lover.

It didn’t take long for Chester to shimmy a little further up Mike’s body, and soon he could feel his boyfriend’s hard, wet cock poking at his ass. Feeling it through the panties was different, and Chester spread his knees a little further out to either side to try and open himself up more. He didn’t miss the moment when he felt the tip of Mike’s dick push a little inside him, despite the lacy barrier. “Oh,” Chester chirped, stopping his kisses to Mike’s ear. “Mmm, I feel that,” he hummed, his lower half coming to a slow halt, to enjoy it.

“Me too.” Mike heard his own voice and the husky, impatient undertones as he tried not to make any sudden movements. He knew exactly why Chester had wanted the handcuffs for this experience. He knew Mike too well. Left to his own devices he’d already be buried deep inside his boyfriend. Mike could feel the effort his restraint was taking and he turned his lips toward Chester’s cheek, kissing him firmly. “You’re killing me, you know that?” 

Chester lifted himself up so he could see Mike’s face. They were both breathing so hard, and nothing had really happened yet. “Tell me what you want,” he said. He leaned down and slowly licked his tongue from the base of Mike’s neck, all the way up to ear. “Anything. Tell me what you want next.”

Mike felt his toes curl at the sensual lick. “I want to be inside you,” he managed to say as Chester’s lips found the spot behind his ear. “God, now, Ches, please,” he begged. He rattled the handcuffs just a little, checking to see if they were really still there - only minutes after Chester had put them on him and taken away his ability to touch. 

“You got it,” Chester whispered before nipping at Mike’s earring, and then he pulled back. “But I gotta ditch the panties.” He saw the brief look of disappointment on Mike’s face before he carefully got to his feet. It was a strange feeling to be standing on the bed, looking down at his lover underneath him, handcuffed to the bed. It was a rush of feeling dominate, as Chester slid his hand slowly down his stomach, and teased his fingers under the lace panties. “I do love these. They’re fucking sexy to wear.” 

“Keep them,” Mike suggested, watching Chester touch himself and wishing he could do the same. “I love them, too.” He saw Chester’s fingers under the lace, then over top, and he could swear he was feeling them too just by watching. His boyfriend was so far away, and Mike bit down on his lip, trying to keep from begging anymore while Chester finally slid the panties down and his erection sprang free. All Mike could think of once he could see Chester’s cock was tasting him. “Come down here, let me help you get slicked up,” he offered, licking his lips again. 

Chester liked that idea, and dropped back down to his knees, higher up on Mike’s body. “Here, hold these,” he said, shoving the lace panties into Mike’s right hand. “Don’t drop ‘em,” he said, before he grabbed the railing of their headboard, his hands right next to Mike’s handcuffs. He shut his eyes, moving totally by feel as he eased his cock close to Mike’s lips. 

On instinct Mike’s mouth opened, his head lifting from the pillow to take Chester’s cock between his lips. There was a muffled moan of approval as he pressed his tongue all around the sensitive skin, licking at Chester’s slit and tasting the precum there. He couldn’t move much, but Chester made up for that by rocking his hips gently forward. It wasn’t too much for Mike to take, and he sucked and licked for as long as Chester stayed put, the wet panties clutched tightly in his fist. 

Chester had always loved Mike’s lips, and the act of pushing and pulling himself in and out of his mouth was something new. He gripped the headboard a little tighter, trying to keep himself under control. He didn’t want to push in too fast or too far. It was a gentle art, and it felt different from when Mike went down on him. 

Mike could feel the saliva dribbling from the corners of his mouth. He opened his eyes and he could see Chester over him, but that was all. He knew they were both attached to the headboard while he kept up the suction, the tongue action, and let Chester set the pace. Even when Mike gave Chester a blow job he was in control, and the simple fact that he could do nothing but receive what was being done to him in this position made it seem less like he was giving a blow job and more like Chester was fucking his mouth. The thought made him realize how not in control he actually was in the moment, but with Chester it didn’t bother him. He squeezed his eyes shut again and let Chester move his cock in and out of his mouth while he chased him with his tongue. 

Mike’s hot mouth engulfed Chester’s cock again, before he eased back, pulling it almost all the way out so Mike’s lips curled into a kiss to his mushroom head. “God, it feels good,” he whispered before gently pushing forward again. It was an entirely new act, one laced with the bond of trust between them. If he wasn’t careful, he could really hurt Mike or the opposite could happen. He could accidentally trigger a gag reflex, and his boyfriend could easily scrape or bite his unprotected dick. They had to stay in sync. 

Chester opened his eyes as he looked down at the top of Mike’s head, and the birds eye view of watching his length go in and out of his boyfriend’s mouth was sexy as hell. “Tell me if I need to stop,” he said, pulling all the way out this time, and he winced as the cool air hit his wet tip. “Okay?” 

“It’s whatever you want,” Mike rasped after he swallowed quickly, then licked the mixture of his own spit and Chester’s precum from his lips. “If you like it, don’t stop.” He’d almost forgotten the handcuffs were there, and he jiggled them quickly. He didn’t know if he could get Chester off like this, but if that’s what his boyfriend wanted, that’s what they were going to do. 

“I like it,” Chester whispered, his cock slowly going back in Mike’s awaiting mouth. He kept his pace slow and steady, his moans coming on like small waves. His head was back, his hands tight on the railing of the headboard.

He pushed in a little further, and felt Mike’s lips press against his length in response, the suction not letting up as Chester pulled back and pushed forward. Before long Chester’s mouth was open as he breathed, as he felt the coil in his balls tighten. His logical brain knew he needed to stop, that full-on sex was the goal, but his logical brain was checked-out. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew if he got his orgasm right here, right now, that all he’d have to do is unlock Mike’s restraints, and his boyfriend would have him on his knees in mere seconds to get his next. 

An extra sensation shot from his dripping slit, right down his shaft, and suddenly the pre-orgasm movie that always played through Chester’s mind started. It was instant, and uncontrolled - Mike in the shower, Mike naked on the couch, Mike with his blue hair and sexy dark eyes. The feel of Mike’s tongue running over his stomach, his teeth scraping his nipples downstairs on the dining room table. 

Chester’s head flew forward, his lips parted in heavy panting. He grabbed Mike’s hand. “I’m going to come,” he rasped, and three strokes inside his lover’s mouth later, he felt his release pulled from the inside. His entire body shook, his cock pushing a little deeper in the moment as his pace quickened for a few seconds, riding it out. 

There was enough warning for Mike to mentally prepare, but with his mobility limited he couldn’t pull back enough to take it all as Chester went deeper. He tried to keep his lips tight around his lover but cum escaped one side of his mouth anyway while Chester’s orgasm came and went, and Mike couldn’t swallow it all. He could feel it sliding down his chin as Chester’s hips slowly rocked to a stop. He heard Chester take a deep breath before he eased back from Mike and looked down at him while Mike swallowed what was left and looked up at his boyfriend. “Damn, Ches,” he panted, trying to catch his breath. His cock was screaming for attention and he couldn’t do anything about it with his hands cuffed to the headboard.

Chester sank down, his lips meeting Mike’s in a short kiss. “Didn’t mean to do that,” he whispered, before nuzzling their faces together. “I bet you’re ready to get out of those cuffs.” He felt Mike nod, their cheeks rubbing together. Chester smiled before he quickly kissed around Mike’s lips and chin, licking his own cum off his boyfriend’s face before he unsnapped the cuffs, popping them both at the same time. 

Chester licking the mess off his face was one of the hottest things he’d ever done to Mike. As soon as his hands were free Mike dropped the panties and sat up, reaching for his lover to pull them together while he pressed hot, demanding kisses to his face. “You’re so fucking hot,” he growled, his need to get inside his boyfriend overpowering. He maneuvered them around and put Chester’s hands back on the headboard. “Hold on tight,” he commanded as he reached for the lube Chester had left on the bed earlier. A low groan escaped his lips as he slathered lube over himself, the feeling of _something_ finally touching his cock overwhelming. Mike stroked himself a few times and then got behind Chester, his slippery fingers rubbing over his lover’s anal opening. “You ready, babe?” he asked, knowing Chester was probably already tired but hoping this was going to be okay. 

“I’m ready,” Chester answered, his head dropping as he looked down at the pillows, the taste of his own cum still on his lips and tongue. “God, I feel good, Sexy Boy,” he added, glancing over his shoulder for a second. He could just barely see Mike’s flushed skin and dark hair. “I’m ready to be fuckable.” He knew he was baiting the bull as the words rolled out of his mouth, but he wanted it. He wanted Mike to feel as good as he did. He wanted to be penetrated, his ass needy, despite already getting his orgasm. He wanted something hard and fast after his slow strokes into his lover’s mouth. 

“Fuckable,” Mike mumbled, nodding his head as he placed one hand on Chester’s hip and used the other to guide his entrance. A sharp hiss accompanied the head of his dick popping through the outside ring of muscle protecting Chester’s rectum, and Mike had to force himself to wait until his lover nodded his head to push a little more. The lube helped but getting started was never easy. It was a little bit of work to get Chester’s inner walls lubed enough for them to both feel comfortable, and then it was on. Mike leaned forward and grabbed the headboard on either side of Chester’s hands. The change of angle was perfect, and he knew after the panties and handcuffs he wouldn’t last long. He kissed the side of Chester’s face and got into a rhythm that felt so good. He could feel every inch as he slid in and out of his lover, and he closed his eyes, picturing the way Chester’s perfect ass had looked in the pink lacy panties. Already his orgasm was coming, and they hadn’t even been having sex long. “God, Ches, I’m not going to last,” he mumbled, his hips thrusting deeply, his boyfriend’s ass cushioning the hits.

He didn’t even hear Chester’s response. Mike felt the tingles down his thighs, the tightness in his belly and his balls, and he increased his speed, using his arms to pull and push harder. He was right on the cusp of coming, and he put his head down to concentrate. Chester’s breaths were quick and Mike’s were labored, and it was all he could hear in the silent apartment before he released, a long and loud moan coming with it. Their foreplay had been longer than usual, and his orgasm that followed seemed extra powerful as it ripped through his body. Mike let it fade before he stopped moving and dropped his forehead to Chester’s shoulder. “Fuck,” he whispered, his thighs burning and his arms shaking. 

Chester had crumbled under Mike’s weight. He’d already let go of the headboard, his upper half pressed into the pillows and mattress. “If I’ve never told you,” Chester said, his words separated by labored breaths, “you’re my favorite person to have sex with. Ever. Sex, making love, blow jobs, collars and handcuffs, whatever we’re doing, I don’t ever want to do it with anyone else but you.” 

Mike nodded, wrapping his arms around Chester’s middle. “Always you, Ches. It’s always going to be you.” He could feel his heartbeats and breaths slowing as he held Chester close. “I don’t want to let you go,” he added, even though his stomach decided to rumble suddenly. The idea of getting up seemed like a lot of effort, but he knew he needed to move. They needed showers and Chester had mentioned tacos. He was ready to suggest tacos in bed.

“I don’t know about you,” Chester said as they slowly started to separate, “but I’m ready for a shower and tacos and then doing nothing the rest of the night.” He felt Mike leave his body, both on the inside and the outside, as his lover flopped over onto his back and smiled at him. “Okay, maybe not nothing. I’m still up for snuggling. Snuggling and passing out with you.” He scooted over to press a dainty kiss to Mike’s cheek. 

“Mmm, showers and tacos. Yes, please,” Mike said, his eyes closing. “Just… give me a minute. I need a minute before we get up.” He was exhausted, and since Chester hadn’t suggested it, he mumbled, “we should have tacos in bed.” Mike didn’t even hear Chester’s response before he was asleep, passed out naked in the middle of their bed. 

****  
TBC


	6. A Picture Says It All

Mike walked out of the studio, his backpack slung over both flannel covered shoulders. The light breeze moved his shaggy bangs across his forehead; they were just long enough to cover his eyes if he didn’t continually sweep them out of the way. Ever since he’d gone back to Red Pelican Music and started teaching piano again, the artistic side of his personality had come back with a vengeance as he tried to distance himself from his identity as a porn star. The blue tips were gone, and between the longer hair and the facial hair he was sporting these days, it was hard to find _Kenji_ in his appearance. Even though his hair now covered his ears, he kept the small hoop earrings Chester loved so much. They were a little secret, just for Chester to uncover and play with. 

He smiled at the thought of his boyfriend’s tongue teasing his ear. _Ches has always been good at finding that spot… he knows exactly how to get me going. And he’s gotten so bold with it, playing with it in front of Ryan and Jay. He knows I can’t say no to him._ He tossed his backpack into the passenger seat of his old blue Honda Civic and glanced at his watch. His last lesson of the day cancelled, so he was leaving an hour earlier on a Friday than he usually did. _I’ll be home way before Ches and Ryan today. Maybe with enough time to take a nap. I’m beat._

The past two months since Ryan and Jason moved into the loft had gone by in a blur. What had started as a temporary living arrangement had gradually morphed into their everyday normal. After three weeks, Mike’s boss had taken him back full time, and he’d been grateful for the extra lessons and longer work days. He’d never started driving Uber after all. Even though he and Chester were needing to have a deposit for a new apartment - fast - they both agreed that full time teaching would be more reliable than driving. Now that things around Mark’s estate were settling a little and Jason was about to get what little was coming his way, they needed income they could count on to have room in the budget to save a little.

Mike was the only one home the afternoon Mark’s lawyer called Jason and explained everything, detailed how probate had gone, and where all of Mark’s money and property was going. Mike had been sitting on the couch next to Jason and when Jason took his hand, Mike held it through what seemed like an endless string of “yes, no, I understand” comments. Mike was the one who told him it would all be okay when Jason numbly ended the call. The house in the hills belonged to Phillip, whose name had never been removed from the deed, and the weekend following that call, the four of them had taken the rest of Jason’s personal belongings from the house to storage. There was a decent amount of cash in a checking account with Jason’s name on it, and an investment account that belonged to him as well, but the rest of Mark’s money - the money that afforded Jason the high end lifestyle he was used to - was tied into the business. Though Jason had rights to parts of the business after he’d married Mark, the rest belonged to Phillip, and Jason had tasked his lawyer with trying to find out how he could buy Phillip’s interest in YRS. So far, no deal had been reached, and Jason’s money was still in a state of suspension.

All of which meant, he and Chester needed someplace else to live, and they hadn’t even started to look yet. _But Ches should start pulling in good money from modeling, and now that I’m full time, we can save a little more. We need to start looking… soon. It’s so crowded in the loft._

Somehow they had fallen into a routine that worked, though Mike wasn’t entirely sure how they managed some days. Jason was always up and out of the way first, sitting at the kitchen table in his slacks and button-down shirts and ties, reading financial news on his phone while drinking coffee. Mike had been joining him for breakfast while Chester and Ryan got ready to head out for work. His mornings consisted of listening to Jason’s fretting with one ear, and listening to Chester and Ryan’s good-natured bickering with the other. He tried to keep tabs on what was happening with his boyfriend while he and Ryan were in various states of undress in and out of the one bathroom, but it was hard when Jason wanted to talk politics or money with him. 

There had been a slow shift to a more casual take on things at the loft, with the tight space and the single bathroom. More than once Mike had come down to the bathroom and been confronted with Jason shirtless, or sights and sounds from the bed in the corner. There was an unspoken rule at this point. Everyone pretended to not hear the activities taking place in the loft’s two queen sized beds, or see the naked aftermath on the way to clean up in the bathroom. A feeling of unease about the whole situation nagged at Mike. It all reminded him too much of YRS and the way sex was something that was out in the open all the time. Things at the loft were almost as free as they had been at the house in the hills, and keeping his eyes to himself was a challenge. 

_But I’ll be alone for awhile this afternoon. No sex, no shirtless Jason, nothing to distract me from a nice nap upstairs. It’s so hard not to look at him. He’s so different from Ches._

A month after Mark’s death, Jason had come in from work late, surprising them all with a new haircut. Gone was the long hair he’d kept for Mark, and in its place a sleek fohawk that made Jason’s dark eyes look bigger. When he was fresh from the shower, the messy spikes reminded Mike of the promo photos he’d seen of Jaxon Deep, and every time it sent his mind spiralling back to the secret blowjob, or to the secret kisses they’d shared in the master bedroom of YRS. Everything, everything went back to YRS, and no matter how hard Mike tried, he couldn’t distance himself completely from it or pretend it never happened. It was a silent monster always lurking in the shadows, ready to poke its head out and bare its teeth anytime Mike started to settle comfortably into post-YRS life.

He had so carefully prepared himself for a nap that it was a surprise to pull into the loft parking lot and see Jason’s jaguar in his preferred parking spot. _Guess everyone is getting off early today,_ Mike thought as he gathered his things. He didn’t wonder anymore what others in the building thought of them and their assortment of vehicles. Jason’s car didn’t stand out next to Chester and Ryan’s sports cars, or even when compared to cars of other tenants. But Mike’s little car, though it had been parked there for over a year, still looked sad and out of place. He figured it would all even out when they moved to their own apartment. _Then Ches’ car will be the one out of place._

Mike could hear the shower running when he walked in the front door. The thought of sneaking upstairs and taking his anticipated nap crossed his mind, but he decided against that pretty quickly. _He’ll be down here moving around and stuff, I probably wouldn’t sleep anyway._ He dropped his keys on the coffee table and took his backpack over to the small corner behind the stairs where a crate of his art supplies and his music lived, tucking it out of the way under the seat at his keyboard. It was his tiny space that nobody else touched, and even though it was tucked away behind the stairs, Mike was grateful it hadn’t been packed up and taken to storage like so many other things the four of them owned. They had all made sacrifices, but his keyboard hadn’t been one of them. 

A stack of mail was on the bar, and he helped himself to a glass of water as he looked through it. There were a few bills, which he and Jason would look at together later, a lot of junk, and a magazine. Mike leaned his arm on the bar and started absently flipping pages, waiting for Jason to get out of the shower. 

It wasn’t long before Jason turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. His work day had been shorter than usual because it was Friday, and he’d finished his project early. The video editing he was doing for the company that finally hired him for an entry level position was simple compared to what he’d been doing at YRS. _If I could have put that work history on my resume, I wouldn’t be messing around with this stuff that’s practically intern work. I think I did harder stuff when I was an intern._

He scruffed the towel over his hair and wrapped it around his hips, turning to slide open the door and let the fresh air into the bathroom and the steam out.

Mike heard the door open and looked over from the bar, knowing he couldn’t see into the bathroom. “Jay? I’m home,” he called, making sure he could be heard. He didn’t want to startle the other man.

“Mike?” Jason poked his head out of the bathroom and looked around, but didn’t see Mike. “You upstairs?”

“In the kitchen!” Mike picked up the magazine and his glass of water and started toward the couch. Jason had walked out of the bathroom and stood with his hands on his towel covered hips, an easy smile on his face. “I didn’t expect you to be home,” Mike added, plopping down on the couch and twisting around to face Jason. “My last lesson cancelled and I thought I’d come get a nap, but I heard you in the shower and figured I should at least wait and let you know I was home.”

“Yeah, it’s dangerous to assume you’re alone around here,” Jason teased. “I don’t know how any of us would ever think that, we're practically on top of each other when we’re all home.” The air in the living room was cool and felt good on his skin, and Jason decided he’d wait to put on his pajamas. 

Mike couldn’t help himself. He laughed at Jason’s choice of words, and they grinned at each other for a moment. “It feels that way sometimes,” he finally agreed. His eyes slid down Jason’s chest to the top of the towel and the dark hair that disappeared beneath it, skin that Mike had seen several times lately. It was obvious that at one point, Jason had worked hard on his body for videos the same way Ryan and Chester had, but he wasn’t as well defined as either of the more recent porn stars. Mike bit his lip and looked away, but he knew Jason had caught him looking. Again.

“Mike?” Jason’s laugh was gone, and in its place was something a little more serious. 

“Hmmm?” Mike tried to look as though he were very interested in the magazine in his hand. He felt his hands shaking a little and put the magazine in his lap, pressing his hands together over it to try to hide the sudden nervousness.

Jason tried to hide his smirk. _That’s not the first time I’ve caught him looking. I don’t think he even knows he’s doing it. I don’t want to embarrass him. We haven’t talked about anything that happened… before. And we probably don’t need to. That chemistry… the chemistry Mark saw._ The memory of Mark’s voice note was one Jason couldn’t shake, though he’d been trying to ignore his husband’s suggestion that Ryan wasn’t suited for him, that Mike might be a better match. Jason couldn’t figure out what Mark had based that idea on, other than their sexual chemistry, and Jason knew that wouldn’t be enough to build a relationship on. Even if Mike was appealing, Jason had been trying to put those thoughts of Mike out of his head. _It’s hard hearing him in bed with Chester. I never thought that would affect me the way it does._ Jason felt a quick flush over his skin as memories of Mike’s commanding voice flashed through his mind. _This place is too small for all of us. I know more about Mike and Chester’s sex life than they probably do after watching them for so long, and hearing them now. I could tell Mike that Chester’s not always into the rough stuff, but that would be crossing a line. A big line._

Jason pointed to the magazine instead. “Have you seen it, yet?” he asked, deciding not to call out Mike’s wandering eyes at the moment.

“Nooo…” Mike looked up, confused as his voice trailed off into something like a question. “Seen what?”

“Ry and Chaz’s ad. It’s in that magazine. I think that’s why we got the magazine in the first place. One of them probably ordered it. It’s their first one.” Jason came around to sit down on the couch next to Mike, sliding the magazine off Mike’s legs and flipping through the pages quickly. “There,” he said triumphantly, pointing to the full page color spread. “That’s it, the one they’ve been talking about.” 

Mike looked down at the glossy page between him and Jason. He knew how important this was, and how excited Chester had been to see it published. _He’s probably the one who ordered the magazine. I know he’d want to keep the first one. It’s like a business keeping its first dollar. This is his first legit piece of work, something everyone can see, and he’s so proud of it. I’m proud of him, too. I always knew he was better than YRS._

The ad was for denim, or at least that’s what Mike could gather from looking at the page. There was his boyfriend, shirtless, of course, in a pair of Score Clothing blue jeans. He looked suitably intense, his flame tattoos popping off the page against the dark background. The little plugs that Chester had started in his ears showed as tiny dots from the camera distance, but Mike’s eyes skipped past them and onto Ryan, who was standing right behind and to the side of Chester. He also wore only blue jeans, and Mike scoffed a bit at the brooding look on Ryan’s face. They both looked like they were ready to jump through the page and force you to buy their jeans, and he decided that being persuasive was probably what the company was going for. It was an innocent enough looking page, and he was satisfied with it.

“I think it’s good,” Mike offered, glancing at Jason. “I mean, if they’re selling jeans, then I think that gets the point across pretty clear.”

“Yeah.” Jason reached out and turned the page, and two more pages of Chester and Ryan popped into view. “What do you think about these?” He looked down and ran his finger over the page closest to him. “I think they’re sexier, for sure.”

Sexier wasn’t exactly the word that Mike was thinking when he looked down at the black and white photo of Chester unbuttoning Ryan’s shirt, leaning in close as though he were about to drop a kiss on the skin he’d just bared. Mike felt his eyes widen as he looked at the way Chester’s lips were parted, and the way Ryan was reaching for Chester’s face, his eyes heavy as he looked slightly down at the action. Mike’s eyes skipped over to the opposite page, and that was the moment he’d had enough. Chester was pushing the shirt down Ryan’s arms, and they were inches from kissing. _Inches._ “How’s this selling clothes?” he asked irritably, shoving the magazine into Jason’s lap with a huff. 

Jason looked at both pages. They reminded him of _Calvin Klein_ ads. A little bit of sex stuck in people’s heads. Chaz and Ryan had always looked good on camera, and the ads were no different. He imagined it was more of a challenge to bring across their chemistry with the limitations of clothing and still photos. “Sex always sells,” Jason said simply, smoothing out the page Mike wrinkled in his frustration. “I thought they looked really good. The photographer really captured the moment well.”

Mike shook his head. “Really? This doesn’t bother you?” He looked at the earnest look on Jason’s face and sighed. “You don’t see it, do you?”

“See what?” Jason looked down at the photos. They were tasteful. Nothing like porn. He knew Chester and Ryan were excited and proud of them, and he was, too. It was good that they had left the old ways behind. _This is building something new. We all need this, a way to make it without our history._

“The way they are with each other. They way they’ve always been.” Mike flicked his bangs out of his eyes so he could see Jason clearly. “I don’t know, Jay. Ches thinks I make a big deal out of things, but I know I’m not wrong. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around his idea that work and love were separate. You know that. That’s how you got me to come to YRS in the first place.” He tossed a bitter look at Jason and was gratified to see the other man look away in shame. “The only reason I was _ever_ able to work in front of the camera was because I was in love with Chester.” Mike’s eyes widened for a moment. “_Am_ in love. We’re in love,” he insisted, pointing at the magazine, “but nobody would know it, looking at that. They’d think he and Ryan were still a thing.”

“_Still_ a thing?” Jason echoed. “Mike, they were never a thing. They were work partners. Mark paired them up and the chemistry was there, but they never dated. And you _know_ that,” he insisted. 

“You were there,” Mike accused, pointing a finger at Jason. “You had to have seen it. Are you telling me they never hooked up off camera? Would you have even known if they did? How do you know they never ended up in Mark’s bedroom the way we did?” Mike stopped, his mind twisted in confusion. “Voluntarily. Not like us. But by choice. Chester used to go with Mark and he made it seem like it wasn’t so bad, that it wasn’t forced. Or was he just lying to me?”

Jason took a careful breath. _I have no idea what Chaz has said, or what happened between them before Ry and I were together. And I’ve never thought about it. Work was work. It didn’t mean anything._ He reached out and covered Mike’s finger with his hand, pulling it down and holding it captive on top of his towel. “I don’t know what happened before Ry and I were a couple. He and Chaz were just two employees. I wasn’t keeping tabs on every second they spent at the house. But I can tell you that nobody went with Mark voluntarily.” He paused, thinking that he really didn’t know if Ryan and Chester had ever spent a night together when they were supposedly just colleagues. “Mike, you’re shaking,” he murmured, squeezing the other man’s hand. 

“Ever since I found out what Chester was doing, I asked him about his work partners. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it, Jay. I just don’t have it in me to separate sex and love. I… I was a virgin when I met Ches. You know that,” he dismissed absently, staring down at their linked hands on Jason’s towel. “It all means something to me. I just don’t understand how they can’t _not_ have feelings for each other underneath it all. And you’ve seen them, they’re always touching each other, they have their own set of jokes that I don’t get. Are you really telling me that you look at those ads and you don’t see something more between them?”

Jason shook his head. “They’re really good at what they do. And what they do is follow directions and look sexy. That’s all they’ve ever known together, and they do it well. They’ve always had that chemistry, and there’s nothing wrong with it, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything more between them.” He ducked his head to try to catch Mike’s eyes, his mouth continuing despite his head telling him to be quiet. “You separate it better than you think you do. We’ve been close, too, and it didn’t mean anything.”

Mike looked up from beneath his hair, his frustration and indignation over the advertisement spread moving to the background as his mind processed what Jason was saying. “I know. It _didn’t_,” he whispered. 

“You can’t have it both ways, Mike,” Jason said softly. “Either sex between Ry and Chaz meant nothing, or what we did meant something. Which is it?” 

Mike felt Jason’s grip on his hand loosen a little and he spread his fingers out over the towel, toying with the end where it wrapped closed over Jason’s knee. It was a loaded question, and one he didn’t particularly want to answer. He tried to gloss over the subject. “Neither of us wanted that to happen.”

“But it did. Do you remember talking about it the last night at home? My house?” Jason corrected, still speaking softly, afraid he’d startle Mike and not get anywhere with his questions. He’d been wanting to talk about it ever since the night he’d come so hard listening to Mike’s commands from the loft bedroom above. There was no way to deny that the sound of Mike’s voice turned him on like crazy, and he could only assume that was because the first time Mike called him Jay, his voice was raspy with passion. The same passion he heard when Mike was fucking Chester.

“Yeah,” Mike finally admitted, his cheeks blushing pink. “I told you I liked it.”

“And I told you I did, too.” Jason watched Mike’s eyes slide closed, the soft tint of his skin suddenly appealing, the whole atmosphere of the room tilting toward something dangerous, Mark’s ideas about Mike whispering in Jason’s ear. He wanted to know if Mike thought that way, too. “So… which is it? Do you want to pretend that it didn’t mean anything to you, just so you can hold on to this idea that it means more between Ry and Chaz?”

Mike slowly shook his head no. “It’s not the same,” he insisted weakly. He always gave in to Jason in these situations, and he knew it, but he couldn’t help himself. Jason had a way of making everything sound logical. His fingers dug up under the bottom of the towel and stroked lightly over the soft hair on Jason’s inner thigh. “It doesn’t mean anything between us. It doesn’t.”

A flutter of anxious anticipation hit Jason’s stomach as Mike’s fingers found his skin, and he reached out to swipe Mike’s bangs from his closed eyes. “I don’t think you really believe that. You are so, so stubborn, Mike Shinoda,” he whispered, leaning in closer, his lips hovering over Mike’s the way Ryan’s hovered over Chester’s in the ad that was still open next to them. 

*****

Traffic coming from the Score Clothing studio was a bear. Already Ryan and Chester were thirty minutes later than normal, and from the state of the slow crawl down the highway, that didn’t seem to be improving. “I’m glad you’re driving,” Chester decided as he sat comfortably in Ryan’s passenger seat. The black leather interior was smooth and slick looking, and Chester appreciated it almost as much as his own car. “But damn, these people need to hurry up. I’m hungry,” he whined as he pulled another red Twizzler from the package. 

“Uh, pig,” Ryan teased as they actually started to move. “Give me one, Chazzy.” 

“I’m the pig?” Chester asked in his best fake offended tone, his hand pressed to his white muscle shirt. “You’ve already had, like, ten of these.” 

“But, starving,” Ryan cried, tossing Chester his biggest blue-eyed look in between watching traffic and watching his co-pilot suck and nibble on the candy rope. He knew it wouldn’t take much. Over the years, he’d learned exactly which expressions got to Chester the fastest, which ones would pull on the other man’s heartstrings. 

“My God, you do look pathetic,” Chester laughed as he took a second Twizzler from the package and held it out. He laughed again when Ryan opened his mouth. “You’re so bad,” Chester snorted, but he fed it to him anyway, rolling his eyes as he watched Ryan suck on it for a minute before taking a chomp and then holding it in his hand as he drove. “Bad but handsome,” Chester had to add as he admired his friend for a moment. Since they’d gone to work for Forrest Mullan, they’d both gone through some changes. Ryan’s black spiked hair was now shorter, and combed to the one side, leaving a jagged look off to the left. It showed off his scruffy facial hair, and the double hoop earrings on the one side. _I’ve always wanted to ask him about that._ “Ry? Why do you only have one earring on this side? You’re uneven.” Chester stated, sticking his finger close to Ryan’s single pierced ear. 

“I don’t know. I was going to get two on each side, but, guess I just never got around to my second hole on this side,” he answered, tugging at the single hoop while he held his half-eaten Twizzler. “Forrest hasn’t said anything…and Mark never did. Why?” he asked suddenly, his jovial expression shifting to worry. “Does it look bad?” He glanced from Chester to the road and back to Chester. “You’d tell me, right? If it looked stupid?”

“Jeez, don’t have a meltdown,” Chester told him, reaching over and caressing Ryan’s tattooed bicep. “You look fine. It’s, like, your thing. I was just curious.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes,” Chester stressed before he grabbed another Twizzler. “Stop freaking.” 

“I’m not freaking. Just asking,” Ryan shot back before he let out a sigh. If anyone was going to tell him something looked off, it would be Chester, and he knew it. If his shirt didn’t match his pants or he had the wrong belt on for an outfit, Chester was quick to say something. _He’s never brought up my earrings before…why now?_ His gaze drifted back over to the passenger seat as traffic slowed again. The last few weeks of modeling together had been both fun and educational. They’d learned a lot about posing, and facial expressions. They’d gotten to wear a lot of clothes, trying out most of Score’s young men’s line. _And Chaz’s hair. God, he looks good with the blonde curls. He should have did that a long time ago. And it’s so soft, not full of product like his mohawk used to be. Like mine used to be._ At the thought he ran a quick hand through his own dark hair, which was soft to the touch. “Do you think Mike’s going to like your new little friend there?” Ryan asked, his attention dropping to Chester’s leg, and the leather garter belt that encircled Chester’s jean clad thigh, a single chain connecting it to his belt. 

“I don’t care, I love it,” Chester said, tugging on the chain. “How cool is it that Forrest let me keep it?” 

“It looks like it was made for you and your skinny-ass leg.” 

“I can’t wait to see our pictures with it. Today was fun,” Chester decided, a smile popping across his lips. “I’m definitely ready to be home though.” A yawn came next as he asked Ryan what he wanted to eat for dinner.

“Anything you make will hit the spot,” he said, his stomach already growling at the thought of Chester’s homemade food. “I’m going to miss you when you guys move out. And not just because you’re a badass cook.” He glanced over at his friend. “Sincerely, Chaz. I love us living together, even though things are tight at the loft.” 

“I do too. It’s fun,” Chester agreed. “And, I don’t know, I’m getting used to it being tight. I mean, you guys need to get your stuff a little more organized,” he made sure to say, “but as far as all of us being there…I think it’s working out for now.” 

“I think so,” Ryan said as the cars really started to move, and Ryan whispered out a sigh of relief. “I heard you guys the other night,” he added, keeping his eyes on the road. “Not on purpose.”

“Whatever. You pervert,” Chester teased, slapping Ryan’s arm playfully. “And I know you guys can hear us. We hear you, too. Is it weird that it’s not really weird for me?” He looked down, his fingers playing over the leather garter belt as he waited for Ryan to say something. Sex at the loft had become commonplace while they were all home, and yet no one really talked about it. 

“It’s not weird,” Ryan assured him, only glancing over once as traffic really started to make some ground. He kept both hands on the wheel, trying to watch his distance with the other cars, and the motorcycles that zoomed past, in between everything else. “We all know each other. Or, at least you and I know each other in that way.”

Chester nodded. “We do. I’m probably the pervert. I’ve snuck a few looks at you when I get the chance. Bad habits from YRS, I guess. Watching people have sex.” Chester sucked in his breath the moment he’d said it. He hadn’t been planning on admitting that he’d checked Ryan out more than once when sexual encounters had become public. He’d let his gaze linger over Ryan’s familiar skin and body, and he wasn’t sure how his friend felt about that. 

“We did do a lot of that at YRS,” Ryan said, as he carefully changed lanes, since their exit was coming up. “And Chaz, you can look at me anytime you want. I don’t have anything you haven’t seen. Of course that’s not fair,” he decided quickly, a smirk hitting his face. “I don’t get to look at you. You guys are always hiding upstairs.” 

“It’s not hiding, that’s our bedroom,” Chester defended. 

“Sounds like an excuse to me,” Ryan teased. He heard Chester snicker something back, but silence filled the car right after. _He’s been looking at me. Even after everything, he’s still finding me sexy._ The thought brought a smile to his face before it dropped. _Not me. He’s not looking at me...he’s watching me and Jay. Bad habits from YRS, that’s what he said. I think we all have bad habits from that place._

“What are you thinking?” Chester asked suddenly, breaking the quiet that had settled over them as they got off the highway, and headed toward the loft. 

Ryan shrugged. “Nothing. Just thinking about all of us having sex. Not together,” he made sure to say when Chester’s eyebrow popped up. “I mean, I don’t see you guys, but you can get loud. _Mike_ can get loud.” 

Chester laughed. “He gets wild.” 

“He likes to give orders, doesn’t he?” Ryan asked, keeping his wording easy. It was a subject he’d been wanting to bring up with Chester ever since the first time he’d overheard the couple having sex, but he wasn’t always sure where the lines were with Chester when it came to Mike. 

“What do you mean?” 

Ryan glanced over, the innocent look on Chester’s face almost made him change his mind, but something nagged at him to continue anyway. “During sex,” he clarified. “Him telling you when to come. Are you okay with that? I mean, he screams it at you, Chaz.” Ryan rolled his lips together as he looked away and back out the front window. They only had a few blocks to go and they’d be home, and this wasn’t a conversation they could have outside of the car. 

“He’s not yelling at me, it’s heat of the moment stuff,” Chester defended. “And no, it doesn’t bother me. He gets off on it, and it keeps me in practice.” 

“Practice?” 

“Yeah. Practice at being able to control it.”

“Okay,” Ryan agreed quietly, even though he wasn’t sure Chester’s logic was right. To him, it seemed like Mike had all the control. _Like Mark. Mark used to do that to us...tell us when to come._ “I never liked it when Mark would do that,” he dared to say. The sun wasn’t even close to going down yet, and now that they’d changed directions, the sun was pouring into the car. Almost in unison, both men reached for their sunglasses. 

“What does Mark have to do with it?” Chester asked, trying to keep the conversation light. Even though it had been months since the funeral, everytime Mark’s name came up, a dark cloud seemed to come with it. 

“I’m just saying that Mark used to dictate our orgasms,” Ryan stated as he turned into the parking lot of the loft. “And now Mike’s doing the same thing...but this isn’t work, Chaz. He’s your lover, not your boss.” 

“It’s not like that,” Chester denied as they pulled to a stop. He looked out the front window for a second before twisting in his seat. “Ry, really, it’s not like that at all. He just gets vocal, and it comes out. And besides, the sex is good,” he made sure to say with a grin. “He’s not Sexy Boy for nothing.” 

“Sexy Boy,” Ryan repeated with an eye roll behind his sunglasses before he reached over, tugging on the garter belt chain as he stared down at it. “Okay. As long as you’re happy.” He couldn’t help but let his hidden gaze slide up Chester’s leg to his crotch, then his belt, and his stomach and chest till he got to his face. 

“I’m happy,” Chester assured him before he covered Ryan’s hand, squeezing it. “Now come on, I’m hungry. And if we’re going to talk about loud sex, we’ve got to talk about the headboard banging against the wall downstairs,” he laughed as they both got out of the car. 

“Please, Chazzy, that’s my perfect rhythm you’re hearing,” Ryan insisted as he locked the car, and they headed for the building, the warm late afternoon air surrounding them as they walked side by side. 

“I know,” Chester whined. “You always did have that. Maybe you were a drummer in a past life.” 

A smile burst across Ryan’s face as he opened the door for Chester to step inside first. “Maybe I was a drummer,” he chuckled. “But I think my rhythm skills are being put to better use now.” 

“I’m sure Jason thinks so, too,” Chester said with an elbow to Ryan’s arm as they made it to the elevator. “So did we decide on dinner?” 

Ryan’s hand rubbed over his belly. “BBQ chicken,” he hummed, his tongue coming out and licking his lips as he shut his eyes, just for them to pop back open and dead stare at Chester. “No. BBQ chicken pizza. Oh, come on, Chazzy. Please,” he begged, taking a step closer. “You know you want to.” 

Chester was already laughing, his mind checking through items in his kitchen. “I don’t know...not sure I have everything for that.” The instant sad face on Ryan made him go, “Awwww, Ry, don’t be like that.” Chester took his hand, squeezing it. “If I don’t have the stuff, we can always order one of those from the pizza place.” 

“But yours is better,” Ryan pouted just as the elevator dinged and the doors opened. The lady from down the hallway was getting ready to get on, and she eyed the two men holding hands as she did. 

Chester let go of Ryan as he cleared his throat. “Hi, Mrs. Davis,” he offered as they stepped off. 

“Chester,” she said back, giving him a partial smile just as the doors closed. 

“You know her?” Ryan asked as they headed down the hallway. 

Chester shrugged. “Not really. She lives down the other way,” he stated, flipping his hand behind him. “She probably thinks we’re all swingers or something, the four of us living together now.” 

Ryan let out a snort. “Swingers? Us? Well, we could. Not sure Mike and Jason would be into that.” 

“Stop,” Chester teased, shoving Ryan playfully on his arm as they got to the door. “And you’re right. Mike and Jason...can’t see them being into that. Especially Mike.” A mental picture of his boyfriend flashed into his mind, of his shaggy hair and bright smile, and suddenly Chester really wanted to get the door open. The day had been long, and he was ready to eat and tell Mike all about his day, and he could listen to anything and everything Mike would want to say about his day as well. 

The far away sound of voices in the hallway didn’t register to either man inside the apartment until the jingle of keys right next to the door came through the silent space. Jason immediately sat back, his heart racing as he looked toward the door and Mike’s wandering hand came to an abrupt halt. Suddenly he could distinguish Chester’s voice and the sound of a key in the lock, and he bolted up from the couch, the magazine falling to the floor, his hand clutching the towel at his waist. He looked at Mike, who looked back at him in surprise. “Sounds like they’re home,” he managed to get out before the front door popped open.

Chester stepped in first, Ryan right behind him as one last stray comment was tossed around about being swingers. “Hey, Sexy Boy,” Chester called, the moment he saw his boyfriend, his conversation with Ryan completely left as he dropped his keys on the bar and headed for the couch. He saw Jason, a few feet from the bathroom, standing in a towel. “Guess we’re not too late, if you’re just now getting here to shower,” he commented before stopping at the edge of the couch. “Traffic was awful.” 

Mike looked right up into Chester’s eyes, feeling completely flustered. He wasn’t sure how he’d gone from upset over his boyfriend’s new job and history with Ryan to almost kissing Jason again, but there wasn’t time to analyze that now. “Hey, babe. I haven’t been home too long.” His eyes skipped to Ryan and then over to the magazine. “How was your day?” he asked innocently, bending over to pick the magazine up from the floor. 

Chester watched as his lover bent down to pick up the fashion magazine. “Hey, that’s the one our ad is in,” Chester said, his eyes narrowing. “Why...why was it on the floor? Did you see our pictures?” 

“I dropped it when I sat down. And you came in at the same time.” Mike shrugged. “And, yeah, I saw them. I liked the color one,” he offered, avoiding the topic of the black and white photos he didn’t care for, trying to keep his voice level. The last thing he wanted to do was start a fight right now. 

Chester nodded, a smile crossing his face. “Thanks. We think it came out really well.” He twisted, but there was no reason to. Ryan was right beside him. “I think there’s another one in there,” he said, pointing to the magazine.

“Yeah, our full page spread should be there,” Ryan offered before turning to find Jason. It was their first published set of ads for Score Clothing, and they were both excited and ready to share that with their boyfriends, but Jason had disappeared. Ryan figured he was in the bathroom, getting changed, as he turned back to Mike. “I want to see,” he said, reaching for the magazine.

Mike handed it over without hesitation. “It’s in there,” he affirmed, standing up and reaching to pull Chester close. _I hate them. But I shouldn’t say anything. And Jason’s right. I can’t have it both ways… but we were about to do something we shouldn’t… which only proves my point about Ryan and Ches. I think._ He talked himself in circles while he wrapped his arms around Chester. “They’re a little racy,” he added. He just couldn’t help himself. 

Jason came out of the bathroom in a green t-shirt and a pair of navy shorts. His hair was still all askew, and it was clear he had no intention of doing anything about it. “Mike thinks they’re racy. I think they look great,” he said, sliding up close to Ryan and looking over his shoulder at the ad. “You guys look fantastic.” 

Ryan and Chester both beamed at Jason. “Thanks, Jay,” Chester was the first to say before he turned to Mike. “What’s racy about it?” He took the magazine from Ryan, the black and white ad on display as he held it so Mike could see it. “I think we look good. And we have our clothes on,” he added. 

“Barely,” Mike mumbled, pointing to the second page where Chester was taking off Ryan’s shirt. “I’m not saying it’s not well done. I just don’t see how that’s selling clothes. But you know me. Flannels and t-shirts and I’m happy.” He left a quick kiss on Chester’s cheek as he tried to play off his comment. 

Chester dropped his head, looking down at the pictures he and Ryan had worked so hard on to get right. “Yeah. I know,” he whispered before he handed the magazine back to Ryan and pulled away from Mike’s loose embrace. He headed for the kitchen, not really in the mood to cook anything, but he knew he had three people who were probably hungry. 

Ryan watched Chester walk away, his nostrils flaring. “They’re nice pictures, Mike,” he said, not able to stop himself. “Don’t make him feel bad about it.” He pecked a kiss to Jason’s face before stating he needed a shower, which was true, but more than soap and water, he needed to be alone for a few minutes. He headed for their makeshift closet, to pick out something comfortable to put on for the night. 

Jason watched Ryan step away and then looked from Chester’s retreating back to Mike’s contrite face. “Go talk to him,” he said in a low voice before he turned to follow Ryan.

Mike rolled his eyes. Everyone was being so dramatic all of a sudden. _I said they were nicely done. Just that they were a little racy. I didn’t say what I really thought. I already told Jason all that stuff. I don’t want to fight with Ches._ He saw Chester standing in the kitchen, staring at the cabinets, and sighed. _Damn it. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad._

Jason watched Mike follow his directions from the corner of his eye, and a bit of relief flooded over him. _I can’t do that again. Get into that kind of conversation with him. It won’t go anywhere good. We can’t do that again._ He reached out and rubbed his hand over Ryan’s back. “Hey. You okay? You look, well, a little mad. Mike’s just being dramatic.” He turned and glanced toward the kitchen to make sure he wasn’t being overheard. “I thought the ads were great,” he confirmed again.

Ryan let out a sigh, his shoulders drooping as he turned. “I’m not mad,” he whispered, his eyes darting across the loft to Chester and Mike standing close in the kitchen. “It’s just, he was so excited for Mike to see them...he thought he’d be proud of him, and then he went and called them racy.” He flipped his hand through the air. “I hate seeing Chaz upset,” he added before he slid his arm around Jason’s waist, taking comfort in his warmth. 

“He’ll be fine,” Jason whispered back. “Mike will go in there and make it right. You know how he can be. Especially about you.” 

Ryan pulled back, his full attention on Jason. “Me? What does that mean? He knew we were working together. We were hired as a team.”

“Your history with Chaz. He sees things that aren’t there when it comes to you two. I tried to tell him, you were both doing the job you were hired to do, and nothing more. But he’s sensitive about it.” Jason grinned and kissed Ryan’s scruffy chin. “I don’t know why he thinks you’d even think about giving me up for Chaz. I _am_ wearing your ring, you know.” He wiggled his fingers in front of Ryan’s face, showing off his blue and silver promise ring. 

Ryan smiled as he took Jason’s hand, kissing the ring. “Yes, you are. And I hope you’re right,” he added as he snuck a last peak into the kitchen. _I hope he’s apologizing. Chaz doesn’t deserve that from him. It’s all work. It’s always just been work._ He kissed Jason’s hand again. “He’s crazy jealous sometimes,” he whispered, nodding toward Mike. “He really needs to get over it. He can’t keep Chaz on a chain.” He let Jason go before he excused himself to the bathroom to jump in the shower. 

Jason debated laying on the bed to wait for Ryan, but ended up sitting on the couch in the same place he’d been right before Ryan and Chester got home. He intentionally kept his eyes on his phone and tried not to overhear the hushed conversation in the kitchen. _He is jealous. Over nothing. There’s nothing between Ry and Chaz. Nothing meaningful._ His way of getting Mike to realize that point hadn’t exactly worked, though. Instead it lead to a hand that was not his own up under his towel and him almost kissing Mike again. _Again. What was I thinking? Proving that Ry and Chaz are just friends can’t go that far again. I might not be able to stop him. No. I would. I’d be the one calling the shots, if it ever went that far. But there’s no shots to call. This is ridiculous._

He opened his web browser and typed in Score Clothing, wondering if there was more to see on the company website. The kitchen was suddenly very quiet, and Jason knew that Mike had made things better with Chester, while he sat and waited to see what he would find of Ryan and Chester online.

****  
TBC


	7. fine

Dinner was good, but it was way past time to get in the shower. Chester was at his closet, looking over his clothes, despite the fact that he would end up in pajamas. His mind was slowly clicking through his invisible checklist. He needed clothes, then he would go down and grab a quick shower - hopefully quick - and then he’d come back upstairs to spend the rest of the evening with Mike in their limited privacy. _We have more privacy than Jay and Ry, which almost feels wrong. It’s Jay’s loft. I couldn’t handle being down there. My clothes couldn’t handle being down there, just stacked on top of each other. They need their space,_ he whined to himself as he reached out and ran his hand across his row of shirts. 

“What are you doing?” Mike asked from across the bedroom where he was watching. “Aren’t we just staying up here the rest of the night? You don’t need clothes,” he added suggestively, sliding up behind Chester and putting both hands on his lover’s hips. “I just wanna keep you naked,” he whispered, kissing the back of Chester’s neck softly. All the ad talk and the earlier conversation between him and Jason had left him feeling that he had something to prove. He and Chester didn’t need anything but each other. There wasn’t anything between him and Jason, and he wasn’t going to let there be anything between Ryan and Chester.

“Naked, huh?” Chester laughed as he leaned back. “And I still need to go take a shower before nakedness happens.” 

Mike ran a few kisses along the side of Chester’s neck, squeezing his fingers into the jeans Chester still had on. “Well, hurry your ass up,” he encouraged. “You need to get down there before someone else decides to get in there.” He pulled back, and as he dropped his hands away, he looked down at the leather garter belt Chester still had looped around his thigh. “Where did this come from, by the way? I’ve been meaning to ask ever since you got home.” He tugged lightly at the chain connecting it to his belt, and decided it was a little sexy. 

“It was from our shoot today,” Chester said, turning totally around so Mike could see it better. “Isn’t it neat? Forrest let me keep it.” He pulled his shirt up, showing off how the chain connected to his belt. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” 

“Me either,” Mike said honestly, though his interest in it had waned a bit once he knew it was from work and not bought specifically for him to admire. “I guess it will be showing up in an ad soon, huh?” 

Chester nodded as he spun around and closed his closet doors before stepping over to the dresser. “Yeah. It was an interesting shoot. I tell you, it’s so different from what we did at YRS. I love all the clothes.” He pulled out a pair of plain looking pajama bottoms and a flimsy undershirt before turning back around. “And how awesome is it that we get to keep some of the stuff? It was for jeans,” Chester added, “not for this.” He pointed down at the garter belt. “Score doesn’t even sell this, I’m not sure where it came from. Just for looks, I think. They had Ryan pulling on it,” he tried to explain, even though he knew that probably didn’t make sense. “Well, you’ll see when the ad comes out.” 

“Yeah,” Mike agreed, trying to keep his annoyance in check. Not only did Chester not need any more clothes in their current tight living space, he wasn’t thrilled about the idea of Ryan pulling on anything attached to his boyfriend. “Be careful bringing stuff home, Ches. We might have to rent a new storage room just for your clothes.”

The mention of his clothes going into storage sent an instant shock of fear through Chester. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “We can’t put them in storage.” He looked over at his closet. “I won’t bring too much home. This thing doesn’t take up any room,” he stated, motioning to the garter belt. He didn’t like where this conversation was going. His clothes couldn’t be boxed up and shoved into some cold, cement lined locker. 

He walked over to the bed, dropping his pajamas for a second as he lifted his leg and unbuckled the garter belt. He disconnected it from his studded belt, and then left both things on the bed. “Okay, I’m heading to the shower. I’ll be fast. I promise,” he made sure to say as he plopped a quick kiss to Mike’s cheek and then he was gone, down the stairs. 

With a sigh, Mike dropped down on the bed, his hand going out to touch the discarded garter. _It was fun until Ryan got involved. Now I’ve got no interest in this at all. It’s stupid. Ches is with me. The whole reason I ever got into YRS was to keep him away from everyone else, and that included Ryan. Now I have no idea what they’re doing when he’s away from me. They spend more time together now than we do._ The thought stuck him suddenly and Mike frowned, scooping up the garter belt while he looked around for somewhere to stash it. _I don’t want Ryan in my bedroom. It’s bad enough he can hear every single thing we do. Well, Ches isn’t his. Stupid ads and garter belts don’t mean anything._

The familiar feeling of insecurity seized him as he fumbled around upstairs, putting away the garter belt in Chester’s closet and then pulling off his own clothes to leave in a heap beside the bed. He didn’t have a mirror to look in but he looked down at himself, analyzing every part of his skin and comparing it to Ryan, constantly telling himself that Chester had chosen him, though he still wasn’t sure why sometimes. Everything between Ryan and Chester was playful and fun, without all the drama and heaviness that sometimes showed up in his relationship with Chester. _It’s not fair. It’s all fun and games with them and this job, and then I’m the one dealing with all the real life stuff. I wish we could be the way we were before YRS. I hate that place. It’s never going to go away._

Mike pulled the blanket back on the bed and climbed underneath to wait for Chester. He wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted Chester naked for the rest of the night. It had been a long day and all he wanted to do was reconnect them and prove to himself that everything between them was fine. 

Downstairs, Ryan and Jason were sitting side by side on the bed, their backs resting against their pillows. Ryan was flipping through the fashion magazine, offering a comment here and there to Jason as he turned the pages. He knew his boyfriend wasn’t as into clothing and current trends like he and Chester were, but he still liked to hear Jason’s opinions. “I love these shoes,” he said, showing the page to Jason. “I think Chaz has a pair like these. Maybe,” he said thoughtfully. “He’s got so many pairs of shoes it’s hard to keep track.”

Jason looked over from the book he was reading. “They look familiar,” he agreed. “I don’t know why anyone needs that many pairs of shoes. Where does he even keep them?” he asked, looking around the loft. “It’s not like there’s a ton of closet space here, or anything.”

Ryan flipped to the next page. “You know Chaz, he’s a clothes whore. And he’s got that big closet upstairs. It’s stuffed,” he stated as he scanned the ad for shampoo, but quickly flipped on to the next page. “And he’s emotionally attached to his clothes, shoes included.” 

“I know he is. He’s always showing up in something new. I saw that garter belt he came in with today,” Jason added, his voice a little guarded. “Where did that come from? Don’t tell me you guys made a sex store stop on the way home today.” He lifted an eyebrow and shot Ryan a questioning look.

Ryan looked over, the magazine falling flat on his lap. “What? No, we didn’t go to any place like that.” It was weird to hear Jason ask something like that, his tone having a slight accusation to it. “And the garter was from our shoot. Forrest let him keep it,” he explained, flipping his hand up toward the loft, even though he knew Chester wasn’t up there. “The sex store,” he repeated as he looked back at the magazine. “You’re funny.” 

Overhearing each other’s conversations was so normal at this point that Mike wasn’t even aware he was doing it until he heard Jason utter the words “sex store.” His full attention went right downstairs, and he even sat up, turning on his knees to peek over the half wall and try to hear more clearly. _I can’t believe Jason asked if they went to a sex store. I’d have something to say about that if the answer had been yes._ Mike looked down at the bed, at the space between Jason and Ryan as they both held something that wasn’t each other. _Stupid garter belt. Sounds like Jay didn’t like it either._

Jason closed his book, his finger holding his place. Ryan’s concentration was on the magazine, not him. “We’ve never been in a sex store together,” he said suddenly. “I think I would have been hurt if you’d gone in one with Chaz. He probably likes that stuff. At least it seems that way with him and Mike.” Jason shook his head slightly at himself. _Why would I say that? Just because they’re loud in bed doesn’t mean anything. All I’m doing is starting a conversation that’s going to make one or both of us upset. We’ve never talked about all of that._

Ryan rolled his lips together as he stared blankly down at the magazine. He’d been in sex stores with Chester before. More than once. But saying that would make Jason feel bad. “Well, don’t worry,” he said instead as he looked over at his boyfriend with a soft smile. “We didn’t go to one today. And if you ever want to go, we can do that.” He paused for a moment, the rest of Jason’s comment filtering through his thoughts. “And I think Mike is probably the one that likes that stuff more than Chaz.” 

“I think that, too,” Jason admitted. He was satisfied with Ryan’s answer to the sex store question. If he wanted to, they would go together. Jason wasn’t sure he’d be into anything like what he imagined Mike and Chester were into with the collars and restraints and who knew what else. “I like how you and I are together,” he decided, setting his book off to the side without marking his place and scooting closer to Ryan in the bed. “I don’t have a need for anything else.”

Mike watched Ryan abandon his magazine to touch Jason’s face, and he sat back on his heels, his view of the couple vanishing behind the wall. _They don’t know anything. Ches likes it, too. He’s told me so a hundred times._ He ran his hand through his hair and then rolled over to open the drawer of the nightstand where they kept things like lube and Chester’s collar. _I’m glad we have this back. Nobody has to understand this but the two of us. This is our thing._ He pulled the collar out of the drawer and smoothed his fingers over it, his dick instantly perking up as he thought about putting it around Chester’s neck. They had been avoiding using it with Ryan and Jason downstairs, but it had been a long time, and Mike wondered if it even mattered now. _They’ve heard us, and we’ve heard them. They’ve seen Ches and I together, even, back at YRS. If Ches is into it, there’s no reason not to. I want to. I’ve missed this._

Downstairs, Chester stepped out of the steamy bathroom, the cool air of the living space hitting his warm skin. He yawned as he flipped off the light, and headed for the stairs. The living room lights were already dimmed, and when he glanced toward the bed in the corner to say goodnight, he held his tongue. He could see Ryan and Jason, already in the process of making out, and Chester didn’t want to interrupt. _Guess we’re all thinking the same thing. It’s funny how that happens. It seems like we’re always having sex on the same nights._ His conversation with Ryan from earlier popped into his head, and on instinct he looked back at the bed, eyeing Jason’s hand on Ryan’s ass, and the way they were both bucking and grinding together, even with all their clothes still on. The sight was enough to stir Chester’s cock, and he quickened his pace to get upstairs so he could get naked for Mike. 

He stepped into the bedroom to see his lover sitting on the bed, already naked and waiting. Chester’s attention went right to the collar Mike was toying with. “Oh,” Chester whispered, his attention flashing over to the half wall before he pulled his shirt off. “You sure about that?” he asked, nodding toward the collar. 

Mike nodded. “What difference does it make? We can all hear everything. It hasn’t stopped them or us. And I want you so much.” He watched Chester get naked and got up on his knees again, holding out the collar. “Let me put it on you,” he begged quietly, “we’ll be quiet, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“No, you’re right,” Chester agreed as he went to stand in front of Mike. He took him by his hips and petted a few kisses over Mike’s jawline and to his ear, their dicks rubbing against each other as he did. “We’ve all heard each other,” he whispered, making sure to slip his tongue out to play with Mike’s hoop earring. “It’s been a long time,” he stated before he pulled back and turned around. 

There was no hesitation as Mike looped the collar around his lover’s neck and buckled it before giving it a light tug, just to check. “It looks so fucking good on you,” he mumbled, dropping his hands to run them down Chester’s back, all the way to his ass. He slid his hands around to the front of Chester’s thighs, carefully avoiding touching his cock, and leaned forward to kiss along his lover’s shoulder and down his arm. “I love you, Ches, and you’re mine. Being with you is the best thing in the world, you know that?” His voice was low as he tried to keep things between them, even though Mike knew that was essentially futile. 

Chester smiled as he reached behind him, trying to touch as much of Mike as he could. He felt his hair, and his shoulder as he turned his head, his lips barely grazing Mike’s beard. “I love you, too. And I love us being together. It’s all about you, Sexy Boy.” He tried to kiss Mike’s face, but couldn’t quite do it with the way he was positioned, and he turned in Mike’s arms. He brought their lips together, his hands sliding down Mike’s naked sides, his eyes closed. Having Jason and Ryan downstairs making out - or maybe doing more by now - didn’t bother him a bit. They’d stayed away from the collar, simply because it tended to bring the most out of Mike, both physically and verbally, but as Chester slid his tongue into Mike’s mouth, and pushed their cocks together, he didn’t care. He broke their kiss, his breathing already heavy. “Let me on the bed with you.” 

Mike edged back and made space for Chester in front of him. “Come on,” he breathed, his desire already ramped up several notches. “You can just come climb right on top of me.” There was a split second of a grin as Chester pushed him backwards onto the bed. “Just like that,” he mumbled, his hands going out to Chester’s thighs as his boyfriend straddled him and leaned over, joining their lips in another kiss. Mike squeezed his fingers into Chester’s skin, feeling the soft hair on his thighs. For a moment he remembered having his hand on Jason the same way, but he forcefully pushed that thought away. This wasn’t about Jason and the recklessness he’d been engaged in earlier. This wasn’t about anything other than claiming Chester back from those magazine ads, and proving that they were meant for each other.

He ran his hands around and cupped them under Chester’s small ass, pulling him forward and rubbing their lower halves together. The friction was already good and Mike could feel the start of the wetness between them. He loved the feel of Chester’s body on top of him while they were making out. It reminded him of the early days, when Chester held all the control. He was going to enjoy it before he flipped things on them and got his fingers under that collar. 

Chester was supporting his weight on his arms as he kissed Mike, lip kisses and face kisses and even some on his shoulders. He was already wet, and he knew Mike was, too. It had been a few days since they’d had sex, and it showed. Now that they weren’t on the same schedule, their time together was less, but more precious. They both savored it, and Chester was ready to be consumed by his lover. “Fuuck,” he moaned, his lips right next to Mike’s ear as he shifted to get a slightly different angle going. “You’ve already got me wet.” He wrapped his lips around the shell of Mike’s ear, sucking on it lightly. 

Mike felt the tingle of anticipation all the way down to his toes. Chester knew exactly what he was doing when he kissed and licked and sucked around his ears. “Then let’s go,” he stated, pulling Chester even tighter against him. He bucked his hips up a few times as Chester’s tongue teased him, then flipped them both over so Chester was on his back. It was his turn to press kisses all over Chester’s face and neck as his hands skimmed over his lover’s body. There were sounds from downstairs, but Mike ignored them in favor of listening to Chester’s breaths and whimpers. He was ready to turn him over and get things going, but they needed lube and some stretching first. Mike slid down, kissing a wet trail all around Chester’s nipples and to his bellybutton, before he lifted himself away to get what he needed. The sound of distress from Chester’s lips went straight to his cock, and he glanced at his lover’s face. “Sorry, I’m hurrying.” 

Chester was already clawing the blankets under him, his needy cock wanting more attention. He could feel his heart pounding, as he decided to help move things along. He flipped himself over, getting up on his hands and knees, waving his ass in the air in Mike’s direction. “I’m helping,” he offered, already reaching underneath himself to slip his fingers over his mushroom head. “Mmmm, come on, Sexy Boy,” he begged, his thoughts already moving forward to being penetrated. He wanted something inside of him, fingers, Mike’s dick, he’d take either. He spread his legs a little more, his knees braced into the mattress. 

“Now look at who’s impatient,” Mike teased softly. He popped open the bottle of lube and slathered it on generously, talking to Chester the whole time. “You’re ready, aren’t you? You don’t even want me to go slow, I can tell. How does it feel, touching yourself for me, Ches? Are you sure you want this?” He shifted into position behind Chester, one hand wrapped around his cock as he lined himself up, abandoning the idea of using his fingers first. He rubbed the head of his cock along Chester’s opening without applying any pressure, and he knew he was just teasing mercilessly now. Mike leaned over and put his lips right next to Chester’s ear. “Tell me you want me, Ches, and I’ll give it to you.” 

The throaty rasp in Mike’s voice made Chester’s cock jump as he rubbed himself. “God, yes, I want you,” he said, stroking himself. He pushed his ass back, trying to get Mike’s dick to shove inside him, even just a little. “So much. I’m ready,” he insisted, his thoughts of preparation gone. He could take it. He knew without stretching, Mike’s entrance would be more than uncomfortable, but he could handle it. He knew it would lead to ecstasy, and his body was ready. Everything felt like zips of electricity - his legs, his toes, his belly, and his cock and balls - like anticipation was on overdrive as Mike teased him from behind. 

Mike didn’t say anything. He knew he needed to go slowly, and he did, carefully pushing until he felt the head of his dick pop through the tight ring of muscle trying to keep him out, and he froze, letting Chester breathe through the uncomfortable sensation. He knew exactly what it felt like and he waited until Chester nodded his head with a breathless affirmation to keep going. He had both hands on Chester’s hips now, easing his way inside, his eyes closed as he focused on going slow and the thrill of joining them together. The heat and the tightness hugged around him deliciously, and Mike dropped his chin with a long, happy sigh the moment he was all the way inside his boyfriend. “Fuck, babe, you feel amazing. I love this.” Mike held Chester close for a few moments before he started to move, cautiously setting up a rhythm that felt pleasurable. 

Downstairs Jason’s ears pricked at the sounds of sex from above. He leaned out of Ryan’s kiss, letting his boyfriend’s lips trail down his neck while he gasped out, “they’re going at it again, Ry.” He was ready for something more than kisses, too, and he pushed his hands down the back of Ryan’s pajama pants. They were both already hard and he didn’t want to waste an opportunity. 

The sound of Jason’s voice brought Ryan out of his lust fog, his lips stopping their trail of kisses. He was breathing a little heavy as he tried to place his lover’s statement. What did it matter if Chester and Mike were having sex? It didn’t, and Ryan dismissed the statement as Jason gripped onto his butt cheek. “Guess we should lose some of these clothes,” he murmured as he slid his hand up under Jason’s shirt, caressing his side. 

“Yeah,” Jason whispered, letting Ryan pull his shirt off and toss it to the floor. He ran his hand around the waistband of Ryan’s pajamas and then under the top of his boyfriend’s underwear. “Your turn.”

Mike was getting into his rhythm, his arms and legs tingling as he started to pound into his boyfriend. He opened his eyes and zeroed in on the collar, and instinctively one hand reached for it, his fingers curling under the leather for a quick pull. “Yeah, that’s it,” he called out, a little louder than he’d intended. It was hard to control his voice when he was lost in the moment. 

Chester’s whole body was shaking as Mike rammed in and out of him. The sensation was almost overwhelming, between feeling Mike’s length shove so far in, and then pull back and then right back in. He felt the pull to the collar, his neck stretching back, and his mouth opened in a loud moan before Mike let him go. The moment the tension was gone from his neck, Chester’s top half went to the mattress, his body bent into the best position for Mike to go even deeper. Chester felt his ass being split in half, and he was consumed. 

Mike followed Chester’s body down, a loud moan escaping at the change in the angle of his thrusts. “Fuck, babe!” He braced his arms against the mattress and got ahold of the collar with his teeth. It was one of his favorite things to do, to latch onto the leather and pull aggressively with his teeth, and Chester never seemed to mind. The action sent his pace a little faster, and Mike could feel his balls tightening. Sex never lasted long when they used his favorite little accessory. He pulled back with his teeth again before he dropped the collar and hissed out, “are you close? Touch yourself, Ches! I need you close!” 

“Fuck, I am!” Chester growled back, his hand going underneath his body to find his bulging, wet cock. He stroked himself quickly, his insides coiled tightly as Mike didn’t let up. Chester could feel his orgasm building, the pressure was almost too much, and he would be releasing soon. “More, Sexy Boy,” he begged, the muscles in his legs going so tight as he jerked and pulled on himself. 

“More?” Mike said through clenched teeth. He was working hard. He could feel the shake in his legs and the sweat in his hair, but he could give more. He knew what Chester really wanted. Mike reached up for the collar, his voice thick with desire as he asked, “you want me to pull harder, don’t you? Say it, Ches, tell me to pull on this harder!” He pulled for a second and let his grip slacken, waiting for Chester to confirm he wanted Mike to really get after it and pull harder. 

Downstairs, Ryan’s affectionate kisses stopped suddenly. He and Jason were already naked, the two of them just about ready to stop and find their own bottle of lube, when Mike’s controlling voice caught his ears, and the words _pull harder_ had him frozen. There was only one reason Mike would say something like that. Ryan’s face folded into a frown as he looked up toward the loft, knowing that Chester had the spiked collar around his neck, and Mike was probably pulling the life out of him. He heard Chester’s much lighter answer of _yes_ but something in Ryan shifted as unwanted thoughts bombarded him._He’s going to hurt him one of these days. Chaz isn’t the best at saying no...what if it goes too far?_

Right when Ryan pulled away from him, Jason was silently agreeing with Mike to _pull harder_, and without realizing it he even nodded his head a little. The image in his head wasn’t of Chester with the collar around his neck that Jason himself had once held in his own hands. It was of Mike with the collar around _him_, begging for it to be pulled just a little harder. The idea of Mike Shinoda in a position of submission when Jason knew he was the one calling the shots upstairs was a turn on, but Ryan had pulled away. His attention snapped back to his boyfriend. “Ry? What’s wrong?” 

Before Ryan could say anything, he heard Mike shout something at Chester about wanting to make him come hard, and then there was a gaspy gurgle, and Ryan knew that sound had come from a restrained Chester. “I’m sorry,” he said, swinging his attention back to Jason. They’d been about to engage in their own intimacy, but Ryan’s body was already going the other way. “I can’t listen to this,” he stated, pointing upstairs. “I, I just can’t. Fuck,” he swore softly before he leaned over and kissed Jason on his cheek. “Sorry,” he apologized again. “The sound of that just killed the mood.” He closed his eyes, hoping to maybe ignore it, but all it took was one more command from Mike, and Ryan was standing up, grabbing his discarded pajama bottoms. “I can’t,” he said simply, shaking his head. He was pretty sure he was going to have to explain himself later, but right now he couldn’t stand it. He needed the sounds to stop, and he was headed to the bathroom, ready to turn on the water to drown it out till it was over. 

Jason was about to reach out, to pull Ryan back, to tell him to ignore it and finish what they had started, but the look on his lovers face stopped him. It was clear Ryan was bothered by the loud sounds of what was probably rougher sex than they had ever had going on upstairs, and it was also clear that Jason was turned on by it. He could feel his heart racing as Ryan stepped away from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. _He’s upset. And I should go to him, but... _ The sound of Mike’s voice encouraging Chester to come coincided with his hesitation, and Jason gave in, wrapping his hand around his still hard and totally neglected cock. 

He didn’t want to spend time thinking it over, once he’d jerked himself off to Mike’s voice, coming all over his stomach as Mike called out to Chester upstairs. He didn’t want to analyze what was happening that was causing all of the mixed feelings he was having. Jason had thoughts, and pictures in his head, and they weren’t of Chester with Mike, but just of Mike. He lay with his mind racing, wondering for a moment what it would be like to have Mike in a position where he’d given up the control, where his sexy voice was begging for release instead of ordering it from someone else. It was all a confusing mess of new emotions and a thrill of desiring something unknown, and the evidence that it got him off was all over his hand and stomach now.

Jason groaned softly, reaching for his t-shirt to wipe himself off. _Ryan would flip out if he knew I did this. But he’s the one that walked away. He can’t blame me when he left me like that._ No amount of justification would make him feel less guilty, but he was just going to have to put it away in the same place that stored his memories of kissing Mike, of making Mike come and then licking him clean. It was just another secret to add to a growing list of things to hide regarding Mike. 

In the bathroom, Ryan had both hands on the sink, his head low as he listened to the water. _I don’t want to think about it. I asked Chaz about that fucking collar and he defended it. Kind of. He said he likes it, but he made it obvious that Mike is the one that’s really into it. I could hear him gasping like he couldn’t breathe...that’s not good. He better be okay._

Ryan let out a long breath before he opened his eyes and slowly turned the water off. He waited, straining to hear, but it was quiet. He knew Mike and or Chester or maybe both of them would be traveling down to the bathroom soon. _Chaz always has to pee after he gets off._ The thought sent him back out into the living room. He was ready to get back in bed, and whisper a short explanation to Jason. He knew he hadn’t been fair. They were just about to have sex, and he’d gotten up and walked away. 

He shoved his hand through his jagged black hair as he crept back toward the bed. Jason was under the blanket, rolled onto his side. Ryan carefully slid in next to him, leaving his pajama bottoms on. “Hey,” he whispered as he scooted closer and laid his hand on Jason’s bare shoulder. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t while that was happening.” He paused, trying to be careful of his words. “Usually I can ignore it, but h-hearing Chaz gasp and Mike yelling at him…” He shut his eyes and leaned his head against Jason’s shoulder blade. “I’m sorry I ruined our time. I’ll make it up to you.” 

Jason felt his body stiffen as soon as Ryan touched him, and he ordered himself to relax. It didn’t really matter the reason, Ryan had left him, and then he’d let the sound of Mike’s voice take the place of his boyfriend’s loving touch. Neither action was particularly wrong or right. “It’s not your relationship, Ry,” he whispered softly, his eyes opening to look across the living room. “Chaz is an adult and Mike’s very… verbal. You know that. It’s been that way since we started living together. Nothing has changed.” He shifted a little and pulled the blanket closer around his body. He didn’t want to talk anymore, he wanted to just go to sleep. 

Jason’s body language was clear. Whatever they had been going for was totally gone for the night. Ryan sighed before he nodded. “I know,” he whispered before he rolled onto his back, and stared up at the high ceiling. “Night, Jay. I love you,” he said softly as he let his boyfriend’s words sink in. He was right. It wasn’t his relationship. _I’m going to have to let this go. As long as he’s not hurting him, and if Chaz says it’s okay...then it’s okay._ That still didn’t set well with him as he closed his eyes. A second later he heard someone coming down the steps. He didn’t know if it was Mike or Chester, and he didn’t want to know. He waited till whoever it was went into the bathroom, and then he rolled over, facing Jason’s silent back. He’d messed up. Again. Ryan felt a shiver run over him. It seemed like he was messing up a lot lately. 

Jason had heard Ryan’s words, then watched as Mike quietly crossed the living room in his boxers and t-shirt without looking their way, a fresh pair of underwear in his hand. He felt Ryan turn toward him, and reached behind him to pat his boyfriend’s leg. “I love you, too,” he whispered, his eyes on the sliver of light under the closed bathroom door. He pulled his hand back and shoved it up under his pillow, closing his eyes tightly before he thought to whisper, “good night.” He didn’t want to see Mike leave the bathroom. There were already enough images of Mike in his head without adding another post-sex visual to his stash. With a deep, slow breath, Jason rolled over and slid his arm around Ryan’s waist, tucking his head into the space between Ryan’s scruffy chin and his chest, hoping sleep would come quickly that way. 

The feel of Jason’s body, his arm around Ryan’s stomach and his slow steady breathing was a relief. Ryan kissed the top of Jason’s head. _We’re okay. I screwed up, but we’re okay. I need to keep my head in this. In him, and not worry about Chaz so much._

The next morning seemed to come quickly, and Ryan was the first one up. He’d started coffee, moving around the kitchen as quietly as possible as Jason slept. With the living space so tight, every little noise seemed to be twice as loud, and as he sat down at the kitchen table with his cup of coffee and his phone, he couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. He wanted to make things up to Jason, but he wasn’t quite sure how. He was scanning through a Googled list of _romantic date ideas_ when he saw Chester come down the stairs. 

Ryan watched as Chester yawned, and scratched his fingers through his messy curls. He was in his underwear and a flimsy looking undershirt that was more wrinkled than anything Ryan had ever seen Chester wear. _He’s okay. He looks okay...tired. At least we don’t have work today._ He waved when Chester did, but Ryan stayed put as he watched his friend disappear into the bathroom. _Back to date ideas. I need something romantic but sexy._ He shuffled through two pages of scenarios before Chester came back out and headed for the kitchen. 

“You made coffee?” he asked, his voice low and dry sounding. 

Ryan turned in his seat. He looked over the bar. “Yeah,” he whispered, trying to keep the quiet atmosphere, until he saw Chester rub his neck. Ryan was on his feet, rounding the counter so they could actually talk, and he could get a better look at his friend. It only took a few seconds for him to assess the situation, the raspy voice, the red ring on Chester’s throat. “Are you okay?” he asked, resisting the urge to reach out and touch Chester’s arm.

“Of course,” he answered, before he pulled a coffee cup from the cabinet and swiveled around to the coffee pot. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Your neck is red,” Ryan pointed out as gently as he could. “That’s from...from last night, right?” 

Chester’s head turned, his eyes meeting Ryan’s as he instinctively covered the front of his throat. “It looks worse than it is. It’s just from the collar.” 

_The collar. That fuckin’ collar._ “Chaz, you shouldn’t let him do that,” he said, but the moment he did, Jason’s words came to mind, and he looked away. “I, I mean, does it hurt?” He turned back to Chester, his insides feeling mixed up. Part of him wanted to pull Chester into a hug before he went upstairs and ripped Mike a new one. And the other part of him wanted to follow Jason’s advice. 

“I’m fine,” Chester assured him. He set his coffee down and headed to the refrigerator to get the milk. “It’s a little sore,” he admitted, “but fine. Battle scars, you know.” He tried to toss Ryan a sly wink, but it didn’t really come off right and he knew it. 

“Battle scars,” Ryan echoed before he let his shoulders slump. Chester was obviously okay, at least he was trying to be, and Ryan forced himself to head out of the kitchen. He ran his hand over Chester’s back as he did, an affectionate touch for just a few seconds, before he sat back down. 

Chester joined him a minute later, his coffee in front of him as he sipped it slowly. “Sorry if we got loud last night,” he offered. 

“It’s okay. With this space, it’s hard,” Ryan stated, his eyes flashing over toward the bed, where Jason was moving around. 

The hushed voices in the kitchen weren’t quiet enough to let Jason continue sleeping. He rolled over and squinted toward the sound of Ryan and Chester at the table. _I smell coffee. I guess it’s time to wake up._ Jason sat up, running his hands over both his bare arms as he yawned. He wasn’t sure what was on the agenda for the day, and he could tell it was early from the angle of the sun coming in the windows. Given a choice, he would still be sleeping, but the lack of walls around his bed made it impossible.

He threw the blanket off and stood up, scooping his discarded pajama pants off the floor and stepping into them before shuffling over to the table to wrap his arms around Ryan’s shoulders. “Good morning,” he mumbled, kissing the side of Ryan’s face. 

Ryan reached up, cupping one of Jason’s arms. “Morning. Did we wake you up? We were trying to be quiet.” 

“You know how it is,” Jason replied, stroking his fingers over Ryan’s skin. “Small space. You can hear everything.” He froze for a moment, his eyes flicking over to Chester. The lack of privacy had also been the reason for Ryan walking away from him last night, and he didn’t want to revisit that this morning. What was done was done. He hadn’t meant for his words to refer back to last night, but they had. He sighed and straightened up. “You know what I mean. There’s coffee, right?” he asked lightly, moving away from his boyfriend and into the kitchen. 

“Yeah, there’s more,” Ryan said, still in a hushed voice. Jason was up, but Mike hadn’t emerged yet, and Ryan was okay with that. He looked back at Chester, not missing how slowly he was sipping his coffee, and the way he kept feeling over his neck. Ryan’s eyes narrowed before he looked up toward the loft bedroom. Maybe it wasn’t his relationship, but Chester was his friend. 

“I’m glad we don’t have work today,” Chester mumbled as he kept one eye on Ryan, the rest of his attention flipping from the table to out the windows and over the bar where Jason was moving around his kitchen. He almost wanted to get up and get the coffee for him, just to shoo him from the space, but he didn’t. 

Ryan nodded. “Me too. I think we can use a day to rest,” he said, just as he heard movement from the bedroom. He looked down at his coffee cup. _Mike’s up. He’ll be down here any second. I’m not going to say anything. Maybe I should see if Jay wants to go out and get breakfast. Give us a break from here._

Jason leaned against the counter, his coffee cup in his hand as he watched Ryan and Chester at the table. “A day to rest. When you say stuff like that, I think of sitting in hot tubs and room service and laying in bed all day.” He smiled at the thought of wasting away an entire day just relaxing and eating. “I have a feeling you don’t really mean that, though. You want to go somewhere fun, don’t you?” 

Ryan had twisted in his seat so he could see Jason. “I like hot tubs,” he defended. “We could go find one and escape for awhile.” Hot tubs weren’t on his list of romantic date ideas, but if that’s what Jason wanted, that’s what they’d do. “I’m up for wherever you want to go.” 

Jason hadn’t been expecting Ryan’s quick agreement. He took a longer sip of his coffee while he thought it out, figuring Ryan was still feeling bad from last night. He honestly wanted to stay home, and finish what they had started the night before, but without knowing Chester and Mike’s plans, it was hard to say if that would work out. He was about to ask Chester what his thoughts were for the day, but Mike finally made his way down the stairs about the time he was going to speak up. 

He looked well rested and happy, his hair sleep tousled and his chest bare as he hit the bottom step and started to pull on his t-shirt. Jason looked away immediately and back at Ryan. “I’m not sure where we’d go. Let me think about it,” he added, walking over to the table at the same time Mike entered the kitchen. “Morning, Mike,” Jason mumbled as he went by and took his seat next to Ryan. 

Mike went straight for the cabinet and got down a mug to get his morning coffee. “Morning. It’s bright outside! I could have kept sleeping, but the light over that half-wall is too intense. Hey, Ches,” he said, his voice dropping down to something lower and smoother as he carried his coffee to the table and sat it down in front of Chester. He leaned down and pressed a few quick kisses to his lover’s neck. “How did you sleep, babe?” Mike asked, a suggestive flip in his voice.

“Like a rock,” Chester answered as he watched Mike sit down. “And you’re right, the light over those walls has always been awful.” 

“Mmm, I bet you did.” Mike grinned at his boyfriend for a moment before he saw the red mark on Chester’s neck and his smile faded. _Damn. I didn’t think I was pulling that hard last night. That’s not right. I’ve never left a mark before. I wonder if he’s seen it yet._ He didn’t want to talk about it in front of Ryan and Jason, so he made a note to ask Chester about it later. The innuendos would have to stop for now. Mike cleared his throat. “So, babe, what’s for breakfast this morning?” 

Chester looked from Mike to the kitchen, his mind slowly pulling up what he knew they had. “What are you in the mood for?” he asked, before taking another hot sip of coffee. He wasn’t really in the mood to eat, but he knew Mike’s endless appetite would be up for something. _We don’t have bacon. I know that’s what he’s going to say._

“What if I make pancakes?” Mike said, thinking out loud. “Blueberry pancakes. Do we have blueberries?” 

“I think we do. Or we have some sort of berry in there…” Chester went to get up to go check. He took his coffee with him, watching as Mike followed right behind him. He opened the fridge and did a quick scan of their crisper drawers. “Not much,” he answered, pulling the little plastic container out. “But I think we have blueberry syrup to make up for it.” 

“You’ve always got syrup,” Mike teased, taking the small container out of Chester’s hand and setting it on the counter. He let Chester close the refrigerator door before he reached out and pulled him over close to him. Mike gently touched the red mark around Chester’s throat with a single fingertip and whispered, “hey, I’m sorry about this. You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Chester breathed slowly. “It’s sore, but I’m okay.” He put his hand on Mike’s hip as they stood so closely together. He didn’t really want Jason or Ryan to hear them talking either. He knew how Ryan felt about anyone leaving marks on him, and the last thing he wanted was for an argument to come out over what was a good time that got a little too rough. He knew Mike hadn’t done anything on purpose. 

Mike lifted Chester’s chin and kissed him quickly. “Okay. I’m gonna make you pancakes while you enjoy your coffee. And I’ll be more careful next time,” he added, letting Chester go. Everything was fine. He knew Chester wouldn’t lie to him and say he was fine if he wasn’t, so Mike was satisfied. He patted his boyfriend’s ass lightly as he turned away to gather up what he needed to get breakfast going. “Oh, Ches? Is there bacon?” he asked hopefully.

“Sorry, Sexy Boy, all out,” Chester said as he headed out of the kitchen with his coffee. “You can cook. I think I want a nice long shower.” He didn’t even look at his roommates as he slowly traversed the length of the apartment, and climbed the stairs. He wasn’t going to be doing anything quickly today. 

Mike was oblivious, his back to the apartment while he pulled out two skillets, a mixing bowl, and the measuring cups and spoons. Pancakes were just about the only thing Chester let him cook without supervision. He knew where everything was, and what utensils to use on Chester’s expensive pans. The only thing he had to do was calculate how much batter to make when he was cooking for four instead of two. He looked over to the table, where Jason was already reading the news on his phone, and Ryan was staring out the window. “You guys want pancakes too, right?” 

Before Jason could pull his nose out of his phone long enough to answer, Ryan was already standing up. “No thanks, Mike,” he said, being polite as possible before he looked down at his boyfriend. “I thought maybe we could go out and get breakfast,” he suggested hopefully. “Then we can go find your hot tub if you want.” 

“Hot tub?” Mike echoed as Jason nodded his agreement. “That sounds fun. I bet Ches would like that, especially today.” He looked up toward the loft where his boyfriend had disappeared. “But if you guys are going out, we’ll probably just stay home… there’s rarely enough privacy around here these days. It would be a shame not to take advantage of that.” 

Ryan’s mouth dropped open as he stared at Mike. He wasn’t sure if Mike was suggesting that more sex would be happening the moment he and Jason were out of the apartment, or if he meant something more innocent. A movie date on the couch, or lazing in the quiet. Instinct told him it was the former, and the idea that Mike would be strapping that collar back around Chester’s sore neck had panic setting in. He looked at Jason, who was standing up, but still looking at his phone, like he’d barely heard anything that had been said. “You know,” Ryan started to say, but he stopped himself the moment he saw Chester coming back down the stairs. He had a pile of clothes over his arm, and he disappeared into the bathroom without a word. 

Ryan’s attention snapped right back to Mike. “Maybe you should be more careful with him.” 

“What?” Mike asked. He wasn’t sure he’d heard Ryan correctly. 

“Did you see his neck?” Ryan hissed, pointing toward the bathroom. 

Mike’s attention went to the bathroom, even though he knew he couldn’t see Chester. “He’s fine, he said he’s fine. Not that it’s any of your business,” Mike added, his hand going to his hip.

“Yeah, he’s fine alright. That’s why he can barely drink his coffee and he’s moving like a sloth.” Ryan couldn’t help it. He could feel Jason’s eyes on him, and his head was screaming at him to be quiet, but his mouth wouldn’t listen. “And he’s my friend, so it _is_ my business.” 

“Your friend.” Mike’s eyes narrowed as he took a step toward Ryan. “Right. Well, as his _boyfriend_ I can say that we’ve already talked about it, and he’s fine. So you don’t need to be concerned about it.” He wasn’t quite sure what else to say. He already felt guilty enough, he didn’t need Ryan making things worse. Mike waved his hand in the air as though he were dismissing Ryan. “I’ve got pancakes to make, I want them to be ready when he gets out of the shower.” He turned away, his temper held in check despite wanting to make a snotty remark about Ryan needing to make sure his own boyfriend was satisfied. 

“Yeah, if he’s even able to eat those pancakes,” Ryan quipped back, before he turned to Jason, looking for backup. He knew how his boyfriend felt about how everything had sounded last night, but Chester had marks on him. Surely Jason would sympathize. Ryan shot him his biggest blue eyes, hoping he’d step in and be the voice of reason to Mike, like he always seemed to be lately. 

Jason shook his head at Ryan, and reached out to grab his arm and start to pull him away from the kitchen. “I told you last night, this is not your battle to fight.” He looked over at Mike, who was fuming, and decided they needed to leave. “Come on, let’s go have breakfast and leave them alone.” 

It was like having the wind knocked out of him. Jason’s neutral stance and seeming lack of concern had Ryan’s head spinning as he let himself be led across the apartment. Before he knew it, he was pulling clothes on as Mike moved around the kitchen, making pancakes. _How can neither of them care?_ He glanced toward the closed bathroom door, the sound of the shower still going. _Am I overreacting?_ He looked back at Jason, who was pulling on a nice pair of shoes to go with his tan dress slacks, like everything was absolutely normal. 

Jason couldn’t wait to get out of the apartment. _I don’t understand his fixation with this. Chaz and Mike are adults, and Chaz said he was fine. So he’s fine. I don’t get why Ryan and Mike are always trying to get the upper hand, it’s ridiculous. It’s like schoolboys fighting over someone they like._ He looked at Ryan, and the concerned look on his face. _It’s not that. He’s just being a concerned friend. Ryan and Chaz have been friends for a long time. He’s just being protective. Like an older brother. But he’s got to let it go. If Chaz is fine with it, there’s nothing Ry can do about it._ He stood up and grabbed Ryan’s hand. “You ready to head out?”

Ryan nodded. His heart felt heavy as he let Jason direct the way. He kept his eyes averted from Mike. _It’s useless trying to say anything to him anyway._ And he only looked over his shoulder once at the bathroom door, hoping that more collar play wasn’t on the menu once he and Jason were out the door. 

****  
TBC


	8. Careful What You Ask For

Mike sat on the couch, staring at the muted television as he flipped channels absently. He wasn’t really doing anything but thinking. There wasn’t anything he wanted to watch, and it would have been pointless anyway without sound. Chester was upstairs sleeping, and Mike wanted to be extra careful not to disturb him.

_We’ve had a good day. I made breakfast and he ate pancakes with tons of syrup like always. It didn’t seem like he was struggling, the way Ryan made it sound._ Mike’s eyes narrowed at the thought of Ryan and the words they’d exchanged earlier in the day. _I don’t need him giving his opinion. I know how he is with Ches. Does he think I can’t see that I left marks last night? It’s not like I did that on purpose. Ches said more and I gave him more. He wanted more._

With a heavy sigh, Mike tossed the remote onto the cushion. _It looks better now. Not so red. And I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t know why I get like that. Just lost in the moment. Maybe we need to take a break from the collar for a while._ The corners of Mike’s mouth turned down in a frown as he thought about putting it away. _I thought we both enjoyed using it, but Ches has been a little quieter today. Maybe it’s not as fun for him anymore. We should talk about it. But I’m afraid of what he might say._

His eyes lifted to the loft for a moment, then drifted down to Ryan and Jason’s bed in the corner. The blankets and pillows were neatly arranged. They hadn’t come home all day, and Mike knew at least part of that was because of the small argument he and Ryan engaged in before breakfast. _He’s so nosy. Well, I guess that’s not really his fault, with us all being crammed in here together. Ches and I really need to find our own place. This isn’t going to work much longer, not with Ryan and I walking on eggshells around each other. Something has to change. Either we’ve got to move, or Ryan is going to have to let some of this stuff with Ches go. He’s protective. But that’s my job. I’m not doing anything wrong._

Mike closed his eyes and let his head drop back onto the couch as soon as those words crossed his mind. He knew leaving marks on Chester was wrong. He knew that getting upset over the advertisements his boyfriend was so proud of was wrong, too. He knew that once things between them crossed the invisible line that caused Chester to want to take it easy all day, to move slowly, to go to sleep early, that he needed to recognize that things weren’t all okay. _We need to talk. I don’t want to mess things up between us. I know he says things are fine, but it’s almost the same way he used to say things were fine at YRS. And that’s a clear sign that I’m doing this wrong. It’s me. And I don’t need Ryan to rub that in my face. I’m not stupid._

With a huff he got up and switched off the tv, heading into the kitchen. It was hard to reconcile his frustration with Ryan and the knowledge that Ryan was also right to be concerned. It wasn’t the first time Mike had left marks on Chester, though he tended to excuse the first ones as being Mark’s fault. But the bottom line at this point was, he was letting himself be out of control, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt his boyfriend. _I love him. And I’m supposed to be the one taking care of him. Protecting him. Making sure he’s happy and his needs are met. And I’m not doing any of those things. That’s why he’s in bed without me._

He got a glass of water and walked over to his keyboard. He could practice with the keyboard turned off. It was easy to imagine exactly what the music sounded like under his fingers, even without the sound. For a second he allowed himself to think back to his life before he met Chester. Everything was centered around his music and his art, his job teaching and the day in and day out survival of being young and broke in L.A. Things had changed so much when Chester came into the picture. He hardly knew who he was anymore. 

Mike ended up sitting at his place at the table, looking out the window toward the ocean. It was a familiar view, one he’d contemplated many times over the course of his relationship with Chester. There were never any answers in the ocean view, just more questions than he started with. He knew tonight that he wouldn’t feel better until he’d talked things out with Chester, but he couldn’t bring himself to go upstairs right now. It would have to wait until morning. 

Outside, Ryan sat on the stoop in front of the loft. It was almost eight o’clock, and the sun was finally starting to sink into the ocean. The bright daylight was quickly giving way to the warm evening that surrounded Ryan as he curled his arms around his stomach. Jason had dropped him off over fifteen minutes ago after Brad had called, begging Jason to come over so they could discuss a few family things. _I should have went with him. Not sure he would have let me. He was so quick to say he’d see me later. It’s like he wants to keep me separate from everything dealing with Brad and settling Mark’s estate. It’s been months. Shouldn’t it be okay for Brad to know we’re together?_

Ryan shoved that thought away. He didn’t want to go down that road again. He’d already tortured himself enough over Jason and his need to keep their relationship under wraps, even though Mark was gone. He’d decided after their last argument at the bowling alley that he would probably never understand where Jason was coming from when it came to that, but that he was going to respect his choice. When Jason was ready for them to be out and proud and together in public, then that’s when it would happen, and not a day sooner. 

But as he sat on the stoop, watching the sun go down, it wasn’t Jason he was worried over. He hadn’t really been able to think about much all day long other than Chester, and how things had been left that morning. He’d texted with him a few times, and it hadn’t helped Ryan’s worried heart. To him, Chester’s texts were flat, his answers short. It was a sign Ryan knew - a clear signal that Chester wasn’t in the mood to talk, and when Chester Bennington didn’t want to talk, that meant he wasn’t doing as _fine_ as he had claimed he was.

Ryan pulled his sunglasses off, propping them up on his head as he looked over the parking lot. Chester and Mike’s cars were there, so he knew they were home. If he went upstairs now, and Chester was in an even worse state than this morning, Ryan knew he wouldn’t be able to help himself. His instinct to protect Chester would kick in, and Jason wouldn’t be there to play interference. _Not that he would anyway. He wants me to stay completely out of it. Maybe I should. Or maybe I can talk to Mike. If he wouldn’t get so damn defensive. I don’t know why he hates me so much. Ever since day one, he’s looked at me like I’m absolute trash and I shouldn’t be anywhere near Chaz. Well, I was here first. Chaz is my friend._

With that, he stood up. It was only going to get later, and what was going to happen was going to happen. The idea that maybe it was better if Jason wasn’t around struck him, and he hurried to get inside the building. _If Chaz is fine, and they’re laughing and eating and things are peachy, then fine. That’s it. Chazzy’s a big boy and I need to step back. But if I get in there and he’s…if it happened again, or he looks miserable then, then I need to say something. I need to say something to Mike. Something that might help._

He wasn’t even sure what his plan was when he got to the door. He tugged on his black t-shirt and pulled his house keys from the pocket of his jeans. Every action was slow, as he prepared himself to stay calm, no matter what he was going to find inside. Ryan usually wasn’t one for yelling. His voice hardly ever raised, the exception being when his emotions sent him over the edge, usually out of panic or desperation. But this felt different. Mike Shinoda wasn’t just someone. He was Chester’s boyfriend, and by all accounts, Chester was deeply in love with him. He was also Jason’s friend, and the thought of his boyfriend sent something neutralizing through Ryan as he stepped into the apartment. Jason and Mike had gotten close, it was a fact Ryan and Chester hadn’t missed, so part of keeping his boyfriend happy, was keeping things between himself and Mike civil. _We just need to talk. Mike and I have never actually talked about…anything. He needs to know where I’m coming from. He needs to know how Chaz can be._

He quietly stepped in, his attention going right to Mike, who was sitting at the dining room table, looking out the window. He glanced around the rest of the space, but he didn’t see Chester anywhere. “Hey,” he offered as he stepped over to the kitchen bar. 

“Hey.” Mike turned his head from the window to look at Ryan and noticed immediately that Jason was nowhere to be seen. “Where’s Jay?” 

Ryan motioned over his shoulder. “He got a call from Brad. They’re going over family stuff. He’ll be back later.” _There it is. He asked about Jason right away. I’ve gotta keep this nice, for Chaz and Jay._ He looked over Mike’s shoulder, scanning the apartment again, but Chester was still nowhere, and Ryan had to assume he was upstairs. “Is he up there?” he asked, pointing toward the bedroom. 

“Yeah, he’s sleeping.” Mike bit his lip for a second and then sighed. “He’s tired. Went to bed early.” He hung his head and stared at the table. He knew what was coming, and he knew he deserved whatever Ryan was going to say. He just hoped it wasn’t laced with anger the way it usually was when it came to Chester. 

Ryan watched as Mike dropped his head. It was one of the first times he’d ever seen the other man look contrite. Ryan looked back up at the bedroom. If Chester was asleep already, he really didn’t want to take any chances of waking him up. “You got a minute?” Ryan asked, taking a half step closer to the table. “Would you come out in the hallway so we can talk?” 

The idea of going out into the hallway wasn’t a pleasant one, but there weren’t a lot of options. _At least if we’re in the hall, we won’t be yelling at each other. Nobody needs to hear this conversation._ Mike looked up and shrugged. “I guess. If all you’re going to do is tell me what an asshole I am, you can save it. I already got that from you today.” 

The direct comment caught Ryan a little off guard. “Nothing like that,” he assured him as he turned to go back to the front door. _I didn’t call him names this morning. God, he looks awful. I’m taking that as a sign that he’s at least been thinking about everything._ He opened the door, and he stepped out, relieved to see the hallway was empty. 

“So what’s up?” Mike said, crossing his arms over his chest. It was a defensive posture and he knew it, but he didn’t know what else to do with his hands. He was already shaming himself for being confrontational, but he didn’t really know how to act around Ryan still. The other man’s friendship with his boyfriend made him uncomfortable, and he had never been good at hiding it. Ever since Ryan and Jason moved in, it had been a constant internal battle between letting things go and being understanding, but it was all hard for Mike. 

Ryan sucked in a deep inhale of the air conditioning that was running through the building. The moment Mike crossed his arms, he was reminded of the last time they’d talked in this very hallway, right outside the apartment door. _That was the night Chaz got trashed. The night Mike told me he was going to take him away._ It was a painful memory, and Ryan blinked it away. That had nothing to do with with the here and now. “Look, Mike, I don’t want to fight. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for saying something this morning.” He scrubbed his fingers over his scruffy facial hair for a second. “I just can’t stand to see Chester with marks on him like that. I know it’s between you guys, but…” He stopped himself. He wasn’t sure how Mike was going to take any of this. “He’s not the best at saying no, even when that leaves him in a bad place. He likes to make people happy. You know?”

Mike lifted one hand to rub at the back of his neck. He was surprised Ryan was offering an apology, even if it was surrounded with his other concerns. “I don’t want to fight with you, either. It _did_ feel like you were crossing a line this morning. I know the loft is small and I know we tend to get carried away…” He let his voice drift off as he looked down the hallway. “_I_ tend to get carried away, I guess. And I know that. I don’t need you to tell me that.” Mike looked back at Ryan and then dropped his eyes to the floor. “Leaving marks was completely by accident. He asked for more and I gave him more.” He could feel his whole face, even the tops of his ears, turning red at the admission. Mike knew Ryan could hear everything they did upstairs, but talking about it openly was embarrassing.

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Ryan admitted softly. “I would hate to think you’d hurt him on purpose.” He watched as Mike’s eyes shot up in a glare. “I don’t mean anything by that,” Ryan was quick to add, his hands going up in front of him. “It’s just, I’ve seen people hurt him on purpose before.” He stopped and looked toward the closed door of the apartment. “He loves you. He’s told me hundreds of times, and I want him to be happy.”

“I would _never_ hurt him on purpose,” Mike hissed, his voice low. “I’m not those other people. I love him. I love him so much I’ve changed my whole life for him. So don’t act like I don’t have his best interests in mind. I was stupid and got carried away. It won’t happen again.” Mike stopped, frustrated. He really didn’t want to argue, but Ryan’s choice of words got under his skin. He wasn’t other people. He didn’t get into this relationship just to get Chester into bed, or to use him. If anything, Chester had to convince him that sex wasn’t all he wanted from Mike before they became a couple. Ryan’s comparison was almost insulting. “I’ve already decided we’re done with the collar for a while. We need a break from it. Not that I need to tell _you_ that, but maybe it will change the way you see it, and me. I don’t want to hurt him,” he insisted as he shifted his weight back and forth on his feet.

Ryan nodded. It was a relief to hear Mike say the collar would be put away for awhile, and deep down, he knew Mike Shinoda wasn’t Mark, or any other number of people that had used and abused Chester over the years. “It’s just,” he said slowly, his bottom lip trembling a little, “he’s my friend. I love him,” he stated as he looked Mike in the eyes. “I love him a lot, and he’s the only stable relationship I’ve had for the last few years, until very recently. I don’t have a lot of people in my life I can count on, but Chester’s one of them. It was a knee jerk reaction this morning, seeing him like that.” He wasn’t sure what else he could say. Mike’s defenses were up, and he knew he needed to be careful not to tip the scales. 

Mike held Ryan’s eyes for a moment. Hearing the declaration of love wasn’t surprising, and Mike knew that Ryan didn’t mean that he was _in love_ with Chester, but it still stung a little. No matter what he said or did, how much he tried to put distance in Ryan’s relationship with Chester, it wouldn’t work, and all he was doing was hurting his boyfriend in the process of his selfishness. _I’ve got to do better. No collar, no losing control, no jealousy. Ryan has Jason, and it’s obvious they’re in love… I’m a hypocrite anyway, fooling around with Jay, and Ches and Ryan don’t even know. It would crush them if they found out._ He sighed, his shoulders slumping a little. “Like I said, it wasn’t intentional. And I know you’re important to Ches, too. I’ve never really been able to see past the fact that you two were having sex when he and I first started dating. I know, I know,” he said, holding up one hand to stop Ryan from interrupting, “it was all for work, and all that. But it didn’t make me less jealous. And I guess insecure about things. I’ve been working on that, but it’s hard. I know that you two are close and it eats at me sometimes. Like you speaking up this morning. I knew you were right but it was frustrating for you to come out and say it. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t want what’s best for him. I’m trying to be better, and I need you to trust that.” 

Ryan stayed quiet for a moment, letting Mike’s words sink in. It was true, he and Chester were still scene partners at YRS when Mike had come into Chester’s life, and seemingly swept him off his feet, a fact that was still a bit of an enigma to Ryan. “You don’t have to be insecure about me,” he said, his eyes a little heavy as he didn’t quite meet Mike’s concentrated look. “He picked you. You got to be the one he fell in love with.” He looked away and down the hallway as the elevator doors opened. He saw Jason step out, and Ryan’s face lifted almost immediately as he turned back to Mike. “I’m glad we talked,” he offered. “I think we both just want Chaz to be okay. Maybe we can both work on getting along better.” 

Mike let his eyes linger on Jason’s tired face for a moment, wondering what family news he’d gotten now. In the past weeks he’d become a confidant, but only when they were alone. Whatever was on Jason’s mind right now, Mike knew it would have to wait until an opportunity arose to discuss it. He realized those moments probably parallelled Ryan and Chester’s private conversations, and it made the idea of his lover’s friendship with his ex-scene partner a little more tolerable. _We’re all just friends. That’s the whole point he’s trying to make. Ches is important to him, as a friend. He’s got Ches, and I’ve got Jay, and it’s all fine._ He looked back at Ryan. “You’re right. We can both do better. For Ches.”

Ryan reached over, patting Mike on the shoulder quickly, as if to seal the deal to try harder, before he took off, and met Jason halfway. “Hey,” he called, his arms open. “You look exhausted.” 

“Yeah.” Jason let himself be wrapped in Ryan’s arms. He rested his head against Ryan’s shoulder. “What are you two doing out here in the hallway? Chaz send you to time out?” 

Ryan pulled back, his smile bright at the thought of Chester sending anyone into a time out. “No,” he chuckled as he turned so they could head back together. “Me and Mike just needed to talk, and Chaz is sleeping. We didn’t want to wake him up.” 

Jason looked toward the door, but Mike had already disappeared inside. “Sleeping? It’s early for that. I guess we’ll go to bed early, too. I could use the extra sleep. And snuggles.” He smiled softly at Ryan. “I love sleeping next to you.” 

“I’m game for that. We can open the windows, listen to the ocean and just lay in bed all evening.” He leaned over as they walked, pressing a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek. “How did things go with Brad?” 

Jason stopped right outside the door. “Fine. You know he can be dramatic. But it’s nothing.” He didn’t look at Ryan, hoping he would drop the subject. The last thing he wanted to get into right now was Brad’s vision. He knew that Ryan believed them, and Chester, too. He’d been around long enough to know that Brad was usually right, but it was more than Jason wanted to think about tonight. “I think I want a glass of wine before bed. What do you think?” 

“Sure,” Ryan agreed easily as he opened the door and allowed for Jason to step in first. The moment they were inside, he dropped his voice to a whisper. “I’m not sure if Chaz has any wine though, he doesn’t drink it.” He looked toward the cabinet where Chester kept his small alcohol collection. He knew there were things to make martinis, and probably some rum or vodka. There were beers in the refrigerator, but wine? He didn’t know. 

“Oh, Ry. You think I’d be dependent on Chaz for wine?” Jason rolled his eyes with a smile. “I’ve got two bottles stashed away. Red. I don’t care if we have to drink it out of juice glasses, I’m opening one up.” He dropped his phone and keys on the bar and cocked his head to the side, thinking. “I guess Mike went on upstairs. Oh well, it keeps us from having to share.” Jason reached for the cabinet door, ready to search for wine glasses - or any glass that would hold his beloved wine. 

Ryan stood back, watching as Jason moved around, taking down two glasses, and then heading across the space to get one of his hidden bottles. _He wants wine. Okay. Not really my thing, but I’ll drink it with him. It will make us sleepy, which, after today that will be a relief._ His gaze lifted to the upstairs. Mike was nowhere to be seen, so he had to assume Jason was right. _I’m glad we talked. I feel better now. I just hope he does what he says._

Upstairs, Mike was standing next to the bed, folding his clothes while he replayed his conversation with Ryan in his head. He could hear Jason’s soft voice in the kitchen, and something about wine. He was going to leave them alone, and just climb into bed with Chester. He resisted looking over the half wall to see what the other couple was doing. _It’s not my business. Just like what Ches and I do up here isn’t their business._

Mike sighed and walked around the bed to the nightstand. He quietly opened the drawer and took out the collar, holding it between his fingers and twisting it around to look at it. It would be a while before they got it out again, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. A small part of him thought it was a relief. He wouldn’t have to worry about going too far. But another part of him wondered if he would just find some other thing to take to the extreme. _I don’t know what makes me act that way. When we first started dating, I wasn’t like that. What changed? Was it really YRS that changed me? Or is what Ryan said true, Ches doesn’t know how to say no? What if… what if he really doesn’t like it the way he says he does? Or what if he used to, but I’ve ruined it by being too rough?_

The collar went to the back of the drawer, out of sight, and Mike closed it before he went back to his side of the bed. Chester was snoring lightly, a barely there sound that signaled he was deeply asleep. Mike tried not to disturb his lover when he pulled back the blanket and slid into bed, one arm under his pillow as he stared at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure if he could fall asleep so early, but he knew he wouldn’t if he wasn’t close to Chester. It just seemed wrong to chance waking him up.

He listened to the faint sounds of Jason and Ryan moving around, and getting what he assumed was two glasses of wine. He heard them talking softly in bed, and he wondered again what Brad had needed Jason for. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been laying there when Chester stirred, and turned over. Mike’s attention went right to his boyfriend, what little he could see of his face in the dim light. Chester looked peaceful, and Mike smiled at the sight of his lips barely parting as he sighed in his sleep. _He’s so cute. I do love him. I don’t ever want to do anything that would hurt him. So that’s it. We need a break from the collar._

Mike turned on his side to face Chester, and he couldn’t help but use his free hand to rub a little circle on Chester’s forearm. He wasn’t trying to wake him up, he just needed some contact. 

Somewhere, the touch registered to Chester’s heavy mind, and his eyes fluttered a little. The low light in the bedroom was enough to pull him from his sleep as Mike came into view. “Hey,” he whispered, before scooting closer and wrapping an arm over Mike’s middle. “Coming to sleep with me?” he mumbled. 

“Yeah,” Mike whispered, nuzzling a kiss to Chester’s cheek. “You feeling okay, babe?”

“I’m okay,” Chester answered through a yawn. “Just tired. What time is it?” 

“It’s early still,” Mike responded, not really sure of the time. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I just wanted to be close. You looked so snuggly.” He smiled and kissed Chester’s forehead lightly. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Chester said. He still had his eyes closed, his entire body warm and comfortable as he kept his limbs wrapped around his lover. “It’s better when you’re here.” He wasn’t sure, but he thought he could hear the sound of the ocean in the distance, and he smiled. “I can hear the water. Did you open the windows?” 

“I think Jay and Ryan did.” Mike snuggled in closer and ran his hand over Chester’s back. “Jay just got home. Something came up with Brad and Ryan came back early, so we talked for a bit.” He hesitated, and then just decided to come out with what they’d talked about. “He was upset about the mark I left on you last night.” Mike closed his eyes and waited to see how Chester would take that before he went any further.

Chester’s eyes slid open slowly. “I told him I was fine. He mentioned it to me earlier, before you were up. He, he just worries.” He stopped and sucked on his piercing for a second. “It’s good you guys talked though.”

Mike nodded. “It was probably overdue. And, well, I was thinking, he’s probably not wrong to worry.” He was glad he couldn’t look Chester in the eyes while he was talking. “I know that I hurt you, even if you won’t say that I did. I left a mark, Ches. I didn’t mean to, but I did. And that scares me. I don’t want to be like that.” He tried pulling Chester closer, but their bodies were already pressed together tightly. “I, I want you to tell me the truth, about it. Without trying to sugar coat it. How much did I hurt you?” 

Chester was in a dead stare at Mike’s shoulder. His sleepy thoughts and mood were gone, replaced by the panic he could feel rising. A handful of answers swirled around as he tried to pick his words carefully. The last thing he wanted was to make Mike feel worse than what he clearly already was. “I’m sore,” he stated with a rough swallow. “I know you didn’t mean to. It got rough, but I’m okay.” 

“Stop saying you’re okay,” Mike whispered. “You always say that. I don’t want you to tell me you’re okay when I hurt you. I want you to tell me to stop. Or not to do that again. Or anything besides ‘I’m okay.’ I don’t want us to be like this. We didn’t used to be.” He sighed, his eyes not really seeing anything over the top of Chester’s head. 

The layers were deep, and Chester wasn’t sure how far he wanted Mike to get. It was obvious things had gone too far, and his pat answer of brushing things off wasn’t going to work this time. The truth was scary, but Chester remembered the promise he had made to his boyfriend, the promise to be more honest. “I couldn’t tell you to stop,” he whispered, his grip on Mike’s side tightening. “I couldn’t stop you, and we were right at the end...my throat hurt. You pulled it really hard.” 

Mike felt his heart skip a beat. He’d asked for honesty, and he was getting it. “I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry. You said more and I didn’t think, I wasn’t thinking it was too much.” He felt a shiver crawl down his spine. It would be too easy for him to seriously hurt Chester in that position again, and it would never be intentional, but the damage would be done. There was no way he could allow that to happen. “The next time I even _think_ about using it, Chester, you have to tell me no. I already promised myself we were going to take a break from it, but maybe it needs to be more than that. A permanent break. Something that’s run its course and we’re going to leave in the past.” 

Chester nodded. “Okay,” he agreed. The thought to defend the collar was there, but this last round with it had ended so roughly, a break seemed like the best choice. He’d kept away thoughts of how much worse it could get, opting instead to think that Mike getting too caught up in the moment was an isolated incident, but it seemed his boyfriend didn’t think so. “If you think that’s best,” he added.

“Don’t you think that’s best?” Mike countered. He wanted Chester to stand up for himself and tell him he’d had enough. He didn’t want what Ryan said to be true, that Chester wasn’t able to tell him no. “I’m the one who can’t control myself. You should be telling me no.” He leaned back to try to catch Chester’s gaze, but he was resolutely staring at Mike’s skin. “Ches. You have to be able to tell me when I’ve crossed a line. Otherwise, how will I ever know? How will I know if you really like what we’re doing in bed, if you can’t tell me that you’ve had enough of that collar?” 

Chester waited, his attention never leaving the small freckle on Mike’s shoulder. “I don’t want to mess this up,” he admitted. “I want to make you happy.” He pulled his arm from Mike’s middle, drifting his hand up the center of his chest instead, letting it rest right on his breast bone. “It’s something I can do,” he whispered. “Sex is something I can do.” 

It was exactly the wrong thing in Mike’s opinion. He felt his heart sink. “You are so much more than sex, why would you ever think that? Don’t you remember? How it was in the beginning? I fell in love with you, not with having sex with you. I mean, I enjoy our sex life, but we _both_ have to enjoy it,” he emphasized. “We’re equals, you’re not my slave. It’s not about making me happy, it’s about both of us being happy. I don’t want you to think like that. I don’t want you to think you have to go along with me if you don’t like something, or think that you have to be the one to go without things you like. Chester, look at me.” 

It was a hard conversation, and Chester wasn’t sure where he stood in it. He was trying to be honest, even as the fear of what that meant lurked over him. He looked up slowly, meeting Mike’s dark eyes. 

“I love you,” Mike stated clearly. “Love isn’t about sex. We do that because we’re in love, but I’d love you even if you told me you never want to have sex again. You’re so important to me. I love being with you. Drinking coffee and watching you make breakfast. You’re the best cook, you know that? I love your jokes and the way you tease me. I love watching you pick out clothes and how much you adore fashion. I love watching movies and talking about our day, especially now that we spend so much of it apart. The sex is amazing, but it’s only amazing if we’re both getting out of it what we need. And I don’t _need_ that collar to be happy. Do you understand that?” He reached out and touched his fingertip to the end of Chester’s nose. 

It was a lot to process, but it also felt like a relief. “Okay,” Chester answered. “I love you, too. I just worry sometimes.” He moved his head, pulling his nose away from Mike’s finger so he could kiss it instead. “And I would never tell you I don’t ever want to have sex again. That’s just ridiculous. I’ll try to do better,” he promised, looking Mike in the eyes. “I guess all the years of being told what to do in bed hasn’t done me any favors when it comes to being in a real relationship. I know that’s no excuse, but…” he trailed off, not really sure how to explain it without diving into more than he really wanted to. 

“We’ll undo all of that together,” Mike promised. “I want you to tell me what you need, and I’m going to be more aware of what’s going on between us. And no more restraints of any kind, not for a long time, anyway. If you ever want to use them on me, that’s one thing. But I think we’ve done enough of that with you.” He slid his hand over Chester’s blonde curls and cupped the back of his head, pulling him in close for a soft, slow kiss. 

It was the first slow kiss Chester could remember between them in what felt like a long time. He raised his hand, letting his fingers brush over Mike’s jawline of facial hair as their lips parted, and then joined again. His body was tired, and now his mind felt drained. He wanted to kiss for just a minute more, and then it was time to sleep. “Mike?” he asked when he got the chance. 

“What is it, babe?” Mike whispered, opening his eyes to study Chester’s face.

“I’m tired,” Chester told him. “Can we roll my way?” 

“Of course.” Mike let Chester turn over, and he snuggled up close to his boyfriend’s back, looping an arm around his waist and holding him close. “How’s that?” 

Chester scooted his ass back a little, nuzzling their lower halves closer. “Perfect. I just want to sleep,” he mumbled, his eyes shut and his mind drifting into slumber. He knew tomorrow he would run the conversation with Mike over and over in his head, but it was too much for tonight. 

Mike felt the shift and the way Chester fitted their bodies together, and it was comforting, not sexual. He kissed the back of Chester’s neck lightly and mumbled, “I love you. Sleep well.” It wouldn’t be long until he was out. Their conversation had exhausted him.

Chester heard Mike’s voice, but hadn’t really registered what he’d said. He heard himself answer with, “I love you,” but it was a reflex response. His thoughts were already clouded with sleep, and the comfort of Mike’s warm body spooning him was enough to pull him under.

The minutes slipped into hours, and suddenly Chester found himself at work, standing in front of his boss. His clothes were gone, his only covering a pair of light gray underwear. Forrest Mullan was only a few feet away, staring at him, like he was trying to figure something out. 

“I told you. This one’s not worth it.” 

Chester turned, his heart racing as Mark walked into the room, and right up to Forrest. “Mark,” Chester whispered as he scanned his former boss up and down. He looked just the same as he always had - tan Dockers, a white dress shirt, his shoulders back and his gray eyes that never stopped roaming. “But, but you’re dead,” Chester whimpered as he tried to cover himself. 

“Chaz, please,” Mark said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’ll never _really_ be gone. Stop talking nonsense. Now, do what you do best and look sexy for me.” He twirled his hand, and Chester slowly turned around as he was told. 

“What are those marks on his neck?” Chester heard Forrest ask, and in that moment, his hands went right to his throat as he spun around. 

“I’m sorry,” Chester cried. “It wasn’t my fault! Forrest, I’m sorry!” He watched as his boss crossed his arms, shaking his head back and forth, and then Mark did the same. 

“I’m sorry, Chester,” Forrest announced, “but I can’t let you work looking like that.” 

“I had that problem with him, too,” Mark chimed in. “Such a shame. It’s that boyfriend of his.”

“No, Mike didn’t mean it!” Chester told them. “I can work, Forrest. It’s just a little red!” 

Forrest narrowed his eyes. “But what about those bruises?” 

Chester looked down, his wrists were black and blue. “I, I, I don’t know where those came from!” 

Forrest stepped closer, pointing a finger right at Chester face. “I told you, didn’t I? I told you that I can’t have Mike being a problem.” 

“Mike’s always been the problem,” Mark offered as he stepped up to join them. “Things were just fine before _he_ came along.” He shook his head, like he was utterly disappointed. “This one used to be so good about following directions. So obedient. He always did exactly as I said. Well, until that other one showed up.” 

“I can’t use him anymore,” Forrest decided with a heavy sigh. “Take him back, Mr. Wakefield. He’s only good for porn.” 

A light flashed, and suddenly Forrest Mullan was gone, and Chester was on a bed in one of the upstairs bedrooms of the YRS mansion. Mark was right in front of him, slowly unbuttoning his dress shirt. “It’s been a long time, Chaz. I’ve missed you,” he said, his voice coming out silky smooth. “Haven’t you missed me?” 

Chester scooted backwards, trying to put distance between himself and his former boss, but something wouldn’t let him leave the bed. “Mark, I can’t. You know I can’t anymore.” 

“But I don’t understand why,” Mark told him, letting his shirt fall to the floor. He undid his belt. “Don’t you want to make me happy?” 

“Yes,” Chester answered, his mouth open as he breathed heavily in panic. “Of course I do. Mark, I tried. I really tried!” 

“You didn’t try hard enough, Chazzy. You can make it up to me now. I’ve been wanting to try that little black beauty out on you from the moment I saw it.” 

He pointed, and Chester’s hand went right to his neck, where the black spiked collar was. Fear poured over Chester as he pulled on it, trying to get it off. “No, no, Mark, you can’t! Mike will be mad!” he cried, his fingers trying again and again to get it unbuckled, but it was sealed around his neck. 

“I thought we were making _me_ happy?” Mark asked. His pants were off, and he was in his white briefs as he climbed onto the bed on his knees. “Come here, Chaz. Now.” 

Chester jumped as he shook his head. “Mark, please,” he begged, one hand still groping at the collar. “It will hurt.” 

“I would never hurt you,” Mark defended as he reached out his hand, his gray eyes soft. “All I’ve ever done is help you. I’ve given you so much, Chaz. All the sacrifices, it’s been for you. And what do you do? You don’t want me to play with you and the collar. That hurts my feelings. I thought I mattered to you.” 

“You do matter,” Chester insisted. “But I can’t do this anymore.” 

“But this is how you make me happy,” Mark told him. “Now come here, Chaz. Don’t make me get rough with you.” 

Chester wasn’t sure if he’d moved or not, but in a flash, he felt Mark’s hands on him - clawing at his back, pulling on his hips, wrapping around to grope at his cock. “You’re mine,” Mark hissed into his ear, his weight on Chester’s back. “You little fuck, you belong to me, and don’t you _ever_ forget it.” 

Hot tears streamed from Chester’s eyes as he clawed at the blankets. “No!” he cried as he tried to wrestle free from Mark’s greedy hands. “Stop!” And then Ryan was there. Somewhere out in front of him, just an arm’s length away, Ryan was standing. Chester could see that he was tied up, like a dog on a chain in a backyard, he couldn’t come any closer to the bed than he was, but it didn’t matter. Chester reached for him anyway. “Ryan! Ry, help me! Ryan! Ryan!” 

“Don’t you ever tell me no!” Mark barked from behind him, and Chester felt the collar around his neck pull tight, his airway constricted. He could still see Ryan in front of him, his blue eyes shining through the dark room as he struggled against his own restraint, trying to get to the bed. There was another harsh yank on the collar before it was released, and Chester gasped as he called for Ryan again, but it didn’t last as Mark ordered him to be quiet. 

Downstairs, Ryan bolted upright in bed. The loft was dark, the only light coming from the moonlight shining through the open windows. He heard Chester cry for him again, and without thought he was out of bed and racing up the stairs. “Chaz!” he called, just as he got to the top to see Chester on the bed, curled up on his side, shaking and clawing at the mattress. Mike was bent over him, a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder as he tried to wake him up. 

Mike’s heart was racing in total panic. “Ches! Chester!” He was almost shouting, but it wasn’t rousing Chester from the nightmare he was trapped in. Mike looked up as Ryan bounded into the bedroom in only his black underwear, but he hardly spared him a glance. “He won’t wake up!” he cried in Ryan’s direction. 

Ryan crashed beside the bed, on his knees. “Chaz!” he called, one hand going to his hip, the other covered Chester’s blonde curls. “Chazzy, wake up! Come on, buddy, wake up!” He stopped for a moment, both his hands petting and caressing, until Chester’s panicked voice came out of the rafters, his frantic clawing at the mattress calming. “Chaz, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Ryan soothed, just as Chester’s eyes fluttered open. 

The moment Ryan came into view, Chester was reaching for him. “Ryan!” he cried, pulling the other man into him as much as he could manage. “He wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t stop,” he mumbled into Ryan’s bare shoulder. 

“He’s not here,” Ryan whispered back, his lips brushing against Chester’s clammy forehead. “You’re okay, you’re okay.”

Mike sat back, his mouth open as he watched Ryan do what he couldn’t. _Ryan got him to wake up. And he knows exactly what Ches is upset about. He wasn’t even calling for me._ He felt his heart sink a little, watching Ryan soothe his boyfriend. Chester hadn’t even looked for him yet, and Mike didn’t know if he should say anything or not. This nightmare seemed far worse than the last one he remembered. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Chester more. 

Ryan looked up, his eyes ghosting over to Mike. “Hey, can you get him a glass of water?” he asked. Chester’s voice was ragged and dry, in between his sobs, and Ryan knew a few sips of something cool would really help. 

“I, well… okay,” Mike relented, even though he wanted to take Chester from Ryan’s arms. The way he was clinging to Ryan though made it obvious that separating them now wasn’t going to work. Mike pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, worrying it with his teeth while he contemplated what was happening and if he should try to say anything to Chester. “I’ll be back in a minute, Ches,” he decided, slowly turning away and straightening his t-shirt before he stood up, turning on the small bedside lamp before he headed down the steps. 

Jason met him at the bottom of the steps, his hand on the railing as though he were ready to come upstairs. Like Ryan, he was only in his underwear, but Mike didn’t even register it in the near dark apartment. “Chaz okay?” he asked quietly as Mike stopped in front of him, and he saw the other man rub one hand over his eyes quickly.

“I don’t know,” Mike whispered back. His voice was breathy and emotional. “He was having a nightmare. I couldn’t wake him up.”

Jason nodded. “I heard him. It sounded bad. But, he’s calmer now. Ryan got to him.” He didn’t want to mention that he knew this wasn’t the first time Chester had experienced nightmares. Ryan hadn’t withheld any information about the damage YRS had caused any of the boys, and especially Chester. If Jason were being honest, he had nightmares about YRS, too. 

“Yeah, he got Ches to wake up.” Mike dropped his head, studying the floor in the pale moonlight. He could hardly see Jason’s bare feet, and his bare feet, but all he could think of were Chester’s socks and the seemingly hundreds of colorful pairs his boyfriend owned. “He, he didn’t want me,” he stated in a broken whisper.

Jason felt the pinch to his heart. They were all so fucked up, and to him, everything that hurt Mike was his fault. He was the reason Mike came to YRS, when he had no business getting into porn. _I knew it then, and I pushed anyway. Mike could have walked away. It wasn’t too late for him. It was too late for us, and I dragged him into it._ “Ry gets it, that’s the only reason Chaz called for him. Ry’s been where Chaz is. It’s not personal, Mike.” He reached for Mike’s hand, then changed his mind at the last minute, touching the side of Mike’s face instead. 

The gentle touch to his cheek was Mike’s undoing. He felt the hot sting of tears, of rejection, and a moment later he was lifting wet eyes to Jason. “I want him to need me,” he said as his face crumbled in silent pain and Jason pulled him into his arms.

The embrace lasted long enough for Mike to get his emotions under control, and he felt the soft press of Jason’s lips to the hair above his ear. _It’s my fault. Everything we talked about before we fell asleep… the collar… somehow it’s my fault. I’m too controlling. I’ve mistreated him without meaning to. I should have been more careful. I should have been more loving._ He berated himself silently for a few more moments, then took a shuddering breath in and stepped back. Jason’s hug loosened, his hands sliding down Mike’s arms until he laced their fingers together. “I need to take him some water,” he finally said.

With one last squeeze to Mike’s hands, Jason let go. “Yeah. You do.” He waited and watched Mike cross the living room before he slowly made his way back over to the bed. _Mike will go back up, and Ry will come down. We’ll all go back to sleep, and tomorrow this will just be another hard thing that has passed. I hope so, anyway._

Upstairs, Ryan was sitting on the bed, his arm wrapped around Chester’s naked back. His fingers were gently massaging everything he could touch - Chester’s shoulder, his spine, his lower back, and side. “You want to talk about it?” Ryan whispered, their faces close. 

“He was there, Ry,” Chester sniffed, wiping his nose and eyes in one motion. “And he...he put the collar on me. He was pulling it so hard, and I couldn’t get away and you were there, but I couldn’t get to you. You were tied up, too.” 

Ryan’s attention went to the top of the stairs, the mental image of Mike flooding him. _That collar. That’s what did this._ “Well, _he’s_ not here anymore, Chaz. He can’t hurt you anymore. He can’t hurt any of us anymore.” He twisted his head, placing a couple three kisses on Chester’s shoulder. “Are you going to be okay now?” 

Chester nodded. His insides were shook up, but sitting and talking to Ryan was helping, just like it always did. “I’m sorry I woke you up.” 

“Don’t be sorry, Chazzy.” Ryan pulled him closer, their exposed upper halves pressing together for a moment. “I’m always going to be here for you.” 

“I know. I know you are.” Chester’s voice quivered before he said, “Ry? I, I don’t want Forrest to know.” 

Ryan had been about to stand up, but he stopped, his full attention back on Chester. “You mean about the dreams?” 

Chester shook his head. “No. I mean...if I show up with marks on me, I, I won’t be able to work. I don’t want him to know.” 

Ryan leaned back just a little, scanning Chester’s neck before he glanced at the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand. “We have a few hours before we need to go in,” he said, daring to reach and touch Chester’s tender neck with his soft fingertip. “It’s not even red anymore, Chaz. It will be okay.” A beat later another thought crossed his mind, and he was suddenly looking Chester up and down. He was only in a pair of purple underwear and matching polka-dot socks. “You don’t have marks anywhere else, do you?” 

Chester’s hand went to his face, wiping away more than drying tears. “No, but...I just don’t want him to know. He’d be mad at me, Ry.” He twisted, his head and face going back to Ryan’s shoulder, and he was met with the warm embrace he knew and trusted. 

Back downstairs, Mike was clutching the glass of water in his hand, concentrating on not tripping over his feet in the dark as he climbed the stairs. Then Ryan and Chester came into view by the warm glow of the small lamp, and he could see Chester’s face still buried in Ryan’s shoulder, Ryan’s hand gently stroking the blonde curls on his head. _It’s not personal, Mike,_ he heard Jason’s voice say in his mind. With a hard blink, Mike stepped over to the bed, but didn’t sit down. He needed to know that Chester wanted him, first. “Ches?” he asked hesitantly, afraid of another rejection. 

The moment he heard his name, Chester looked up, the blurry vision of his boyfriend coming into view. He sat himself up straight. “Mike,” he whispered, “I’m sorry I woke you up.” 

Ryan took that moment to stand up, patting Chester on the back quickly one last time before he did. “Try to get some sleep, Chazzy, we have to be up in a few hours.” He scooted by Mike, pressing a quick, comforting squeeze to his shoulder as he did, before he headed down the stairs. He could suggest sleep all he wanted, but he was pretty sure he’d be the one not sleeping the rest of the night. _I need to lay down at least. I hope all this didn’t wake Jay up._

Jason watched Ryan’s shadow as he came to the bed and sat down carefully on the edge, his elbows on his knees and his head dropped to the floor. _Things like this upset everyone._ He looked up toward the faint glow coming from upstairs and then scooted over behind Ryan, curling his body behind his boyfriend’s back. “Ry? You okay? Is Chaz okay?” 

Ryan let himself lean back against Jason’s sturdy frame. “He’s okay. Just a nightmare. A nasty one, but just a nightmare.” He shut his eyes, his head leaning back. “He gets lost in them sometimes. It’s like he can’t wake up.” 

There wasn’t anything comforting that Jason could say to that. He closed his eyes and listened to Ryan breathe in the darkness. “Mike was pretty shaken up, too,” he finally said. “He doesn’t know how to deal with all of that. It’s a good thing you were here. I know you have those kind of nightmares too. You’re just so much stronger, you know?” 

Ryan sat forward a little, his body still in contact with his lover. “It’s scary to see him like that,” he admitted, his hand lifting for a moment to point at the upstairs bedroom. “Now that things are...different,” he said carefully, “I was hoping he wouldn’t have bad ones like that anymore. Circumstances, I guess.” He knew his tone had dropped an octave as he thought about what Chester had said about the collar, about being worried that Forrest Mullan would one day find marks on him. “I’m going to be so tired tomorrow. Well, today,” he corrected with a yawn. 

“Let’s go to sleep,” Jason suggested, making room for Ryan to lay down. “Everything will be fine. Mike’s got him now.” He waited for Ryan to get comfortable next to him. “You’re a good friend, Ry.”

There were a hundred things Ryan thought of saying to that statement, but as he laid down, his head on the soft pillows and the blankets pulled up, he didn’t want to think about it anymore. He took one last look up at the bedroom, and the dim lamp light that was still on, before he opened his arms. “Come here,” he whispered, and he was happy when Jason snuggled right up to him. “I really want to be a good boyfriend, too,” he mumbled as he kissed the top of Jason’s messy dark hair, his heavy eyelids closing right after. 

Upstairs, Mike handed the glass of water he’d retrieved over to Chester. “Don’t worry about waking me up.” He fidgeted with his hair while Chester took a few tentative sips. “Are you feeling better?” he asked cautiously. 

Chester sat with the cup of water cradled in both hands. “I’m getting there,” he said, a long breath followed by another came out before he looked over at his lover, who had sat down in the empty space Ryan had left. “They get so real sometimes. It’s like I feel it.” 

Mike looped his arm around Chester’s lower back and pulled them together. “I’m sorry. I wish I could do something. But… I couldn’t even wake you up. I didn’t know how to help.” He leaned his head against Chester’s and sighed. “I just want to make it better.” 

Chester let a minute of silence go between them before he said, “Ryan thinks I should see someone. He didn’t say it tonight, but we’ve talked about it before.” He dropped his head, the thought of going to a professional therapist wasn’t at the top of his to-do list. _Why can’t I just be normal? No one else is going._

“They’re that bad, huh?” Mike knew very little about Chester’s nightmares, but he was certain after tonight that he wasn’t in the best position to help - and maybe talking to someone else would keep Chester out of Ryan’s arms in the middle of the night. “Babe, if you think it will help, I support that.” _Even if it was Ryan’s idea. I know he’s trying to help. All of that worry comes from a place of friendship. Right?_ Mike shoved away the uneasiness he felt, pressing his fingers lightly into Chester’s side. “You can always talk to me, you know. If you want to.” It was almost an afterthought to offer, but he wanted to make sure Chester knew he didn’t have to go to anyone else, professional or otherwise, for help. 

Chester’s eyes were shut as he nodded lightly. “I know,” he whispered. “I don’t want to be sick. My dad talked about therapy, but he never went. And then he…” Chester pulled away. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to draw any parallels between him and his dad, even though he knew they were there. His dad had a problem with not telling the whole truth, too. He had a drinking problem, and a gambling problem, and he struggled with depression. 

Chester pressed his fingers into his eyes before he asked to lay down. “My head hurts now,” he said. “And I have to get up in a few hours for work.”

“Okay, okay,” Mike whispered. He took the glass from Chester’s hand and stood up to turn off the light. He could hear the sounds of his boyfriend moving in the bed behind him, and he pulled his t-shirt off in the dark before he climbed in. With his arms out, he felt for Chester, then pulled him close, pressing their bare skin together. It was a reassuring kind of closeness. “We can talk more tomorrow, if you want.” Mike let his lips graze over the outside of Chester’s ear before he leaned to leave a tender kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. “I’m here, if you need me. And I love you.” He settled his head on the pillow behind Chester and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about what Chester had left unsaid. Everything seemed scarier in the dark, and he wanted to be strong for both of them. 

“Goodnight, Mike,” Chester said with a long sigh. “I love you, too.” Everything was even darker behind his eyes, and Chester welcomed it. He tried to listen for the sound of the ocean in the distance, but it wasn’t there. He nuzzled his face deeper into his pillow instead, and tried to block everything out, hoping that the nightmare wouldn’t come back for him. 

****  
TBC


	9. Odd Couples

Jason was sitting in his Jaguar with the motor still running, several minutes after he pulled into his spot in the loft parking garage. Even though the back half of his day had been relatively smooth and quick, it had been emotionally draining. Relief and grief kept up a vicious cycle through his mind the entire ride home from the law firm where he’d spent the afternoon with Mark’s lawyers.

He rested his head on the headrest and closed his eyes, letting the air conditioner continue to blow over his face. _It’s all finished now, hon. Every last bit of everything that tied us together is through._ He felt over his hand, at the promise ring on his finger where Mark’s ring had once lived. Jason hadn’t been brave enough to wear Ryan’s ring into the office where he sat at the end of a table and listened to a team of lawyers and advisors tell him the end result of Mark’s estate going to probate, but it was back on his finger now. 

_It could have been worse, like they said. I could have nothing. It’s actually better than I thought it would be. That savings account has a good chunk of money in it, and I’ve got the loft, and my car, and the royalties. That’s huge. Even if it’s just from when we married until YRS stopped production, that’s better than nothing. That will be a nice bit of extra income each month. And Ry, Chaz, and Mike have their last YRS paychecks coming now. It’s good to have that all done._

Jason had taken what he wanted from the house in the hills, and when Mark’s lawyer told him Phillip offered to sell it to him, he hadn’t even taken the time to think through his answer. It was a resounding no. Despite his guilt and his grief, Jason was ready to move on, to put the big house and his role in everything that transpired there in the past. It wasn’t an easy task, letting go, but he was determined to move on now. He knew he had to move on, for Ryan’s sake, and for his own. _Ry. He’ll be so happy that it’s over. He’ll want me to stop worrying about it. He’ll want me to tell everyone we’re together now._

He finally reached to turn the car off, lifting his head and looking around. Mike’s car was already there, looking shabby compared to others in the garage. Knowing he was home gave Jason an incentive to get upstairs. Talking to Mike about the financial things had become a comfort at times, and a challenge at others. He wanted to share the details of how it had all ultimately turned out with Mike, and see what he had to say. 

Mike was at the table when he stepped inside the loft, his back to the bar and the windows open. “Hey,” Jason greeted, walking straight to the bar to drop his things, his hand going out to touch Mike’s shoulder.

“Hey, I just got the mail,” Mike answered, waving an envelope in the air. “You know what that means.” They smiled at each other in nerdy excitement. “It’s bill day!” he and Jason said in unison.

“I’ll get my computer,” Jason said automatically. It had become a habit of theirs the past few months. Jason kept a spreadsheet on his laptop with their working budget, and all of their bills, money that was coming in and when, and everything that was going out. He and Mike spent hours sometimes when Ryan and Chester were at work moving numbers around, recalculating and making new formulas. It always made Jason smile when Mike fussed about the colors on the spreadsheet, or the width of the columns. “Do you think we can do this without you stressing over the formatting today?” he teased.

Mike looked at Jason, his face filled with indignation. “Formatting is important, Jay. It helps keep everything organized.” He finished sorting the mail into stacks, moving Ryan and Chester’s pieces to the side and taking all the bills, which were divided in Jason and Chester’s names. 

“I know. I like the formatting, too.” Jason sat down at the table next to Mike. It was so much easier to work on the budget when they sat side by side. Before he opened up his computer, he flipped through the little stack of bills, mentally counting them up. “So, things are settled with Mark’s estate now,” he said casually, not looking at Mike.

“Completely? It’s totally done?” Mike twisted a little in his chair to watch Jason fidget with the mail. They had discussed the potential outcomes many times, and he knew Jason was worried about it. 

“Yeah. The loft is good. My car, my savings account,” Jason said, rattling off the things he and Mike had already been sure he’d get when the estate finished going through probate. He flipped over an envelope and started to open it. “There’s a small investment account that had my name on it, so that will stay as it is, hopefully making money. And I got royalties.”

Mike finally smiled tentatively. “That’s good, Jay.” His hand reached out to pat the other man’s forearm. “You didn’t know about the investment account. And royalties, wow.”

“It’s just from when we married, forward,” Jason amended. “It’s not for everything on the YRS site. Which is so weird, since I’m actually in some of the older videos.” He stopped and looked at Mike. “It’s ironic. I’m only getting paid for the work I filmed, not the films I participated in.”

“That’s still going to be a pretty steady income,” Mike said. He didn’t want to think about Jaxon Deep, and he just skipped right over that comment. “You can add it into the spreadsheet. Well, maybe just into savings. It’s an unknown. Royalties all have to do with site traffic. Will you get your cut bi-weekly? Monthly?”

Jason opened his laptop. “Quarterly. I was thinking of it as just extra income, not something to add into the budget. So, yeah, we’ll add that to savings. I know I’ll feel much better when I’ve got more of a cushion in that account.”

Mike couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. His savings account was meager at best, not the minimum of three month’s living expenses that had been drilled into his head by his father his entire life. _Three months, at minimum, son. Your goal should be to have two years of living expenses, liquid, where you can access it immediately. After that it goes into investments. The younger you start, the more you’ll make in dividends._ Mike shook his father’s voice away. He and Chester were lucky to be living rent free at the moment. It was allowing them both to save a little, contribute to the shared expenses of the loft, pay Chester’s car note, and have two date nights a month. It was tight, but Mike wanted to move, and the only way it would happen was when they had a healthy savings account and could afford rent on their own.

They worked through the stack of bills, quartering out shares to each person and letting the spreadsheet tell them what everyone needed to contribute. It was no secret between the four of them how much money everyone was making, and Mike hated his name in the last column, the one making the least and having less leftover than everyone else. _Jay’s got a great job, even if it’s below his skill level, and Ches and Ry are doing good, too. I wish I was contributing more to our savings, as much as Ches is. It’s hard to be the one scraping every penny together._

Jason knew where Mike’s head was as they looked over the final version of the budget for the month. _He’s told me how he feels. I wish there was a way to get him into a better paying position, but he’s doing what he loves, and he’s good at it. Isn’t that more important?_ “How’s it look to you?” he asked, ready to put away the computer and move on to something that would take the melancholy look off Mike’s face.

Outside in the hallway, Chester pulled his keys from his pocket, Ryan right behind him. Work today had consisted of a meet and greet brunch with Score Clothing associates. It had been a lot of handshakes, smiles, and head nods. They’d munched on crackers, cheese, and fruit. Forrest Mullan had personally walked them around the room to introduce them to a handful of select people, and then they’d been on their own. 

“I’m starving,” Ryan stated, rubbing his belly over his dark shirt that had the pre-made rips across the chest. His jeans were the same, ripped and shredded in just the right way to be in fashion. Anyone not up to date on trends would probably suggest he buy some new clothes, but to everyone in the industry, he was in the latest style. 

“Me too,” Chester agreed as he opened the door. “Fuck me, Ry, we gotta eat something right now. I love crackers and cheese, but it’s just not enough. I can’t believe you wouldn’t stop so we could get burgers or something on the way home.” He walked in, Ryan following close. 

“I don’t want fast food,” Ryan whined as he shut the door behind them. “I want real food. Your real food. I told you I’d be your assistant. Just consider me your little helper elf.” 

Chester spun around, all other thoughts going on hold as they stood halfway between the doorway and the kitchen. “My little helper elf,” he echoed with a giggle. “Okay. Damn, I wish I had an elf hat I could put on you.” He reached, on finger landing on Ryan’s chest playfully. 

“I’d let you dress me up,” Ryan said, before Chester turned away and headed for the kitchen. He watched him walk away, his eyes dropping to Chester’s tiny ass inside his tight white jeans for just a second. He had a red shirt on, and red combat boots, and somehow Chester pulled the look off perfectly. His gaze over Chester’s behind only lasted a second, before he looked around, and he was surprised to see Jason and Mike sitting side by side at the table. “I didn’t even see you guys,” he admitted as he went for the table. “What are you doing?” 

“It’s bill day,” Jason answered, never taking his eyes off the computer screen. “We’re just finishing up.” 

Chester had spilled the contents of his pockets onto the bar - wallet, keys, sunglasses - and now he was standing next to Ryan as he looked down at Mike, Jason, and the stack of bills, half of which had his name on them. “It’s that time again, huh? Did the electric bill come in? I know we’ve been using more since we’ve doubled up in here.” He went to reach for the stack of mail, but Mike pulled them away, grabbing the two pieces of _other_ mail on the table that belonged to Chester and handed them over instead. 

“It did, and it’s fine. Don’t worry about it, babe,” Mike said, standing up as Jason closed the computer. “We’ve got it all figured out.”

“But…” Chester started to say as he watched Mike and Jason pick everything up and push their chairs in. He dropped his eyes for a second, accepting the fact that he was no longer part of the financial planning in the house. Even bills that were under his name, were kept away and locked up somewhere. His questions about the budget were often brushed off by Mike or Jason or both, and Chester wasn’t sure why. He’d always paid his bills, always kept everything in order, long before Mike came along. He’d always been responsible with his money, but they had systematically cut him out of the process. 

He looked over at Ryan, who simply shrugged before he headed back to the kitchen. Ryan wasn’t a money person. As long as things were paid, and he was working to help give, everything else didn’t matter. He didn’t want to know the details, and Jason had never invited Ryan into the conversation. _And they’ve pushed me out of it._ Chester looked away, his eyes following Ryan into the kitchen. Other than the first time they looked at bills when everyone had just moved in, Chester hadn’t seen anything. Even his car payment was now part of Jason’s computer spreadsheet. 

Mike leaned over and kissed Chester on the cheek. “I don’t want you to worry about anything. We’re doing good. We’ll just keep working, and eventually we’ll have enough to move.” His shoulders dropped for just a second, his eyes flicking to Ryan. Mike lowered his voice. “Maybe sooner, if I start driving like we talked about a few months back.” 

Jason was close enough to hear what Mike said, and he felt a moment’s guilt over the good fortune he’d had that day. Before he even came home, he’d stopped and made his first big purchase since Mark died. It was something he loved, and it didn’t take up any room. He’d been excited to share, to maybe invite Mike along one day, but in light of what Mike just said, telling the other man he’d just renewed his season tickets to the Los Angeles Symphony seemed braggy. _I’ll tell him some other time. Some time when we aren’t talking about money and the budget first. I know he wishes he had more to contribute._ He put away his laptop and made his way back over to the bar to watch Ryan and Chester in the kitchen as they teased each other. He glanced around, but Mike was already upstairs. 

****

Jason looked over at Ryan as they settled into the balcony box seats at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. The dark red velvet seats grabbed at his suit pants, but it was a feeling he was accustomed to. His eyes drifted over the familiar wood paneling in the hall, and he was already thinking about the acoustics of the building. The seats he’d chosen for the season tickets he’d just bought were right at the edge of the balcony, in the center. He could see the stage easily, and he knew from experience that he liked the way the orchestra sounded from this vantage point. 

With his right hand he unbuttoned his suit jacket, then he silenced his phone and slipped it into the interior pocket. A content feeling settled over him as the air conditioning blew gently through the hall, and he watched other patrons coming in and taking their seats. Jason reached out and rubbed his hand on Ryan’s forearm. “So, what do you think? Isn’t it amazing in here?” 

Ryan tugged on the front of his suit jacket. He wasn’t used to wearing anything so formal. He glanced over the balcony and out over the hall. “It’s big,” he said, watching the people down below mill around. “Are we going to be able to see anything?” He looked toward the empty stage and pointed. “Aren’t they going to be there?” 

“That’s right.” Jason nodded. “The concertmaster is usually the last one out. You’ll see the orchestra come in and take their seats. The bassists are usually out first. The wind players will do some warm ups, then they tune, and the concertmaster comes out. That’s how you know we’re about to start.” He picked up the program and flipped through the pages until he came to the personnel listing. “Here. They have pictures of the conductor, the concertmaster, and the assistant concertmaster. You won’t be able to really _see_ anyone, but you’ll get the general idea of what’s going on.” 

Ryan took the program, glancing at it briefly. It was a bunch of people he didn’t know, doing jobs he didn’t understand. He handed it back. “Okay, cool.” He shifted in his seat as he looked around. He and Jason were dressed a lot like everyone else, which was a nice feeling. He didn’t want to stick out, but he hated the confinement of the attire Jason said he needed to wear. He heard his stomach rumble. “So, do we get snacks?” he whispered close to Jason’s ear. “Like at the movies?” 

Jason’s hand went from Ryan’s arm to cover his mouth in alarm. “No,” he whispered back. “You can’t eat in here, Ry. It’s a live performance,” he added, as if that solved every question Ryan had about why they couldn’t have snacks.

Ryan nodded, a little disappointed. “Oh, okay. Right.” He turned his attention back to the balcony, and the other upper level seating. _That’s probably why. People might throw things from up here. Tossing popcorn down on the other people. I wouldn’t do that. But we can eat later._ “So, how long does this last?” he asked next. 

Jason looked down at the program. There was an intermission. “A couple of hours,” he stated, pointing at the listing of what music would be played. “The first half will probably be about forty-five minutes, then a fifteen minute intermission, and then another thirty minutes or so. If it makes you feel better, there’s a bar out in the lobby, you can get a snack there during intermission. But, you can’t bring your snack in here,” he stressed, making sure the point got across that there was no food allowed inside the concert hall. 

“Well that’s good. I’m hungry,” Ryan whined a little. Already thoughts of bags of chips and candy bars were going through his head. _Something salty and something sweet_ he decided just as his phone jingled from his pocket. He pulled it out and smiled at Chester’s name on the text. 

**Chazzy:** _ We’re in Mohawk General to do some light - light because we have zero room - shopping. You want anything?_

Ryan’s fingers zipped across the keys. 

**Ryan:** _Hmmmm….let me think about it. What are you getting?_

**Chazzy:** _Something that’s not from Score lol and I idk. I really want a pair of shoes, but we don’t have room for that, so we’ll see. Well, unless something calls my name._

**Ryan:** _Everything calls your name._

Jason let the texting continue for a few seconds before he leaned over, close to Ryan’s ear. “You know you have to put your phone up, right?” he whispered.

Ryan looked over. “I know,” he said almost immediately. _Not sure why. Must be like the movies...only without the snacks._ He waited till Jason leaned away, his attention out over the room before Ryan went back to texting. Chester had already replied. 

**Chazzy** _Hey. I can’t help it. Some things are just made for me. It would be wrong not to buy them. And you never know what kind of shoes you’ll need._

**Ryan:** _I know, that’s all you. I’m sure you’ll fall in love with something. You always do. I can’t think of anything for me right now. But if you see anything that has my name on it, I’ll always take a surprise._

He looked over at Jason before he wrote:

**Ryan:** _Sorry, Chazzy, gotta go for a bit. I have to turn my phone off for this thing. Jay said so. When I get home, we need to get back to Plants vs. Zombies. I’m seriously over the level we’re on._

**Chazzy:** _Bummer you gotta turn it off. But okay. I’ll look for something that screams Ryan. Have fun._

Ryan grinned at the screen before he turned his phone off and stuffed it into his pocket. “Okay, it’s off,” he told Jason, shifting in his seat to try and get comfortable. “Is it going to start soon?” 

“See all those chairs?” Jason asked, pointing to the stage. “You’ll know we’re close when they’re all full.” He watched Ryan nod slowly and look around, as though the entire concept of the symphony was foreign. _I guess it is, to him. I probably should have asked if he was even interested in going with me before I bought these tickets. But this is something I like to do. Something I haven’t been able to do in a while. It’s so relaxing. It was always a nice get-away from YRS and all the drama there._ The thought of his past life was something that didn’t sting the way it had even a few weeks ago. Things with Mark and YRS were over. He was free to do whatever he wanted now, and going to the symphony was something he’d always enjoyed. He wanted Ryan to enjoy it with him. 

He realized that his boyfriend was out of his element. It was obvious from the way he fidgeted in his clothes, and the disappointment he’d seen on Ryan’s face when he not only told him no food, but no phone in the concert hall. _These things are hard on him, and I know I’m asking a lot, moving him into my life outside of YRS like this. When we were there, it was just us, in this pretend world hidden away together. Now it’s real, and he’s so out of his element sometimes. I just have to teach him, and then he’ll understand. He’ll be more comfortable, and know what to do._ Jason didn’t want the experience to be unpleasant, but he felt like he hadn’t set Ryan up for success with the entire outing. He laced his fingers through Ryan’s and smiled. “Do you want me to tell you when it’s time? We’re close. Maybe five more minutes.” 

“Five minutes isn’t bad. I hope I know some of the songs.” He squeezed Jason’s hand. It was nice to be out together, and for once they were actually holding hands in public, which was more than enough reason for Ryan to stay right where he was. 

Jason didn’t have the heart to tell him that he probably wouldn’t know any of the repertoire. It wasn’t pop music, but he made a mental note to look at the symphony schedule and make sure that they came to the patriotic Fourth of July show, and the pop show that normally happened in the summer season. A sudden thought of whether or not Ryan would ever be comfortable in his world snuck into his mind, and he was lost in thought as he turned back to look at the stage. _We are so different. I never really noticed it before, but now… days like today make me wonder, if we hadn’t met at YRS, would he have ever been interested in me? Would I have said yes to him?_ He didn’t dare look over at Ryan. _He’s given me a new life. We have to figure out how to make it our life together. It could be that simple. Like, I want to go to the symphony, so we’ll go to things he knows. We’ll work it out. I can tolerate pop music. I can find someone else to go with me for the stuff he thinks is boring._ “I hope you do, too,” he said, watching the musicians come in and take their places. His eyes lingered an extra moment on the pianist as he crossed the stage in his tux, his dark black hair styled like Mike’s. Jason thought of how comfortable Mike would be in the symphony hall at his side. They’d talk about it together in terms they both understood. Mike would understand where Ryan didn’t. _But that doesn’t make Mark right about him. It doesn’t mean I’d be happier with Mike. Ry can learn to love this._

Jason squeezed Ryan’s fingers back tightly and waited for the music to start, trying to keep thoughts of Mike in the background.

****

Chester followed Mike into the familiar space of Mohawk General. It was a store he knew by heart, but it had been awhile since he’d last been inside. The minimalist space was still intact, with racks of men’s clothing and everything organized by color and style. He could see the dressing rooms, and then he saw the shoes. “I’m going to go over there and look,” he said, pointing toward the back of the store. When Mike had suggested they go out and do a little shopping together, Chester had been shocked. Mike never wanted to go shopping. He hardly ever bought new clothes, unless Chester forced it on him. But today was different. The invitation had come from his boyfriend, and Chester wanted to get something. Shoes, a belt, a new hat - anything that would show he was having a good time so that hopefully this wouldn’t be a single event. “You know, this is so much more fun when I’m not dragging you around to these places,” he stated over his shoulder. 

Mike smiled. Shopping wasn’t his favorite activity, but the excitement in Chester’s voice was worth walking around aimlessly. He didn’t have any interest in new clothes. His t-shirts and flannels were just fine with him. “I want you to find something you like,” Mike said, touching over the shirts in front of him. _I don’t know where we would put another thing in his closet, but he’s happy. I just wanted to do something together. I feel like he’s never home anymore._ He walked around, looking at the various displays without really seeing them. The whole trip was for Chester, not him. “I know this is one of your favorite places. I remember you telling me when we came here together the first time.”

Chester had a pair of black and red Adidas sneakers in his hand as he looked over at his boyfriend. “And I made you buy that shirt. Well, I bought it. But I made you wear it.” He rolled his eyes at himself. 

“Yeah, you did.” Mike glanced toward the fitting rooms in the store. The memory of Chester following him inside, trying on the shirt, and their first kiss all came fluttering back. “I was so nervous,” he admitted, taking a few steps back toward Chester. 

“And then I tried to make out with you in the dressing room,” Chester laughed. “God, Mike, I’m sorry,” he apologized at the memory. “First the shirt, then the dressing room, and then I tried to get you into bed on our first date. I,” he stopped, dropping his eyes and shaking his head before he looked up. “You know that wasn’t me, right? Those first couple of times...that was Charlie Bang.”

The thought had not occurred once to Mike in all their time together. “What do you mean?” His face twisted into a frown as he processed what Chester was saying. “All of the pick up lines and how you were _really_ coming on strong, that was all Charlie Bang? I never thought of it exactly like that.” He knew that some of the ways Chester acted when they first met were a result of how he was treated at YRS, but it hadn’t seemed like Chester was playing a role.

Chester turned to put the shoes back on the rack. “Yeah, it was all a big line just to get you in bed.” He felt an uneasiness cross his stomach. “It’s not personal, Sexy Boy. It’s how I was at the time. Charlie Bang was confident. He knew he was hot and could get what he wanted, and that’s kind of the way I did things when I was out...meeting people.” Chester looked away, scanning the other shoe choices. _I shouldn’t have brought that up. I was such a dick._ “I wasn’t really looking for a relationship when we met, you know? I’ve told you, so it didn’t matter to me at the time.”

Mike nodded. “And I just threw that whole boyfriend thing on you. We really had no idea, did we? We hardly knew each other.” He reached out, his hand going to Chester’s back and pulling him in closer. “We made it work, though, huh? I’m glad we made it past all of that. You being kinda pushy and me being so naive about everything. It’s all different now, right?” 

Chester turned to look Mike in the eyes. “Of course,” he answered. “Aside from at work, I haven’t been Charlie Bang for you in a long time.” He leaned in and kissed Mike quickly before he spun back towards the shoes. “See anything you like?” 

Mike scanned over the shoes. He didn’t really care, but Chester was asking his opinion, so he wanted to sound intelligent. He reached out, picking up the third pair of shoes he saw. “Um, these would look good on you?” The statement came out in the form of a question as he held up the black Nikes with neon green stitching and laces. 

Chester gasped. “Mike, no,” he said in absolute horror. “Put those back.” He flapped his hand toward the empty spot on the rack before he looked around quickly, like he was worried someone would see them holding the shoes. “Those are so out of date. Totally last season. Why are they even over here with the rest of the shoes?” His eyebrows pinched together. “It must be a mistake.” He couldn’t even watch. He turned away to head for the Etnies that had caught his eye a few seconds before. He was around the corner, and his phone was out as he snapped a picture of a pair that piqued his interest. They had sparkly gold laces, which matched the signature E on the side of the shoe. He pulled up his text messages, ready to send it to Ryan to see what he thought, but stopped. _Right. He can’t talk right now. Maybe I’ll get them anyway. _

Mike sighed as he put the shoes down. _I don’t know anything about fashion. I’m surprised he even goes out of the house with me anymore, dressed like this._ He looked down at his open flannel and jeans. _It’s okay to be comfortable. I don’t know how he’s comfortable in some of the things he wears. I guess that’s the thing. It’s fashion over comfort, especially now that he’s modeling. He feels like he’s always got to look the part._ He pushed his hair back from his eyes and followed Chester to the shoes he was interested in. “Those are nice,” he tried to offer. 

Chester nodded. “They are. I’m putting them on my maybe list.” He looked around, the rack of belts just a few feet away was next. “Let’s look over there.” He didn’t wait for Mike to agree, the dangling colors and buckles pulling him in. Belts were one thing he could always use more of. 

“I like belts,” Mike said, following his boyfriend over to the rack. He sat down on the little bench in the middle of the store while Chester picked though the assortment of belts. “Don’t you already have a red one?” he asked as Chester dug one out of the pile.

Chester turned around, the dark red belt in his hands. “Not like this,” he stated, holding it out so Mike could see it. “It’s a totally different color from my other one, and look, it’s got stars on it.” He pointed to the little beveled metal stars that decorated the belt. He loosely wrapped it around his waist, buckling it outside his belt loops of his snug fitting jeans. He pulled his black t-shirt up, showing it off. “What do you think?” 

“You know what I think,” Mike answered immediately. “You look hot. Turn around so I can see your ass.” 

“Mike, this is serious,” Chester laughed, even as he slowly turned around anyway, making sure to jiggle his ass a little. “How does it look from the back?” he asked coyly over his shoulder. 

“Mmm, yes.” Mike was up on his feet again, his hands going out to Chester’s hips. “I think you should get it. It makes your jeans extra sexy.” He tugged on the belt just a little, pulling him closer so he could place a kiss on Chester’s neck. Pulling on the belt reminded him of the collar he loved so much. _Until it went too far. Until I hurt him. Until the nightmares and Ryan getting mad at me, and Chester admitting we needed a break. I needed a break. Because I can’t control myself. Obviously._ The action of pulling Chester closer by the accessory had already quickened his pulse a little. _I miss the collar. But it’s been better. We’ve been taking our time and I’ve been careful. And I can’t hurt him with this. It’s around his hips, not his neck._ He hooked his fingers over the belt and felt the smooth underside, a contrast to the bumpy stars on the outside. “I like it. You can wear it home for me.” 

“Mhm,” Chester hummed with a short smile as he leaned and twisted his head back enough to graze his lips over Mike’s cheek. “But I don’t trust you at all on this. I need a mirror.” He pulled away and looked around, but the only proper mirrors were in the dressing room. “Come on,” he said, as he headed that way. 

Mike didn’t need to be told twice. He was right behind Chester, both of them cramming into the dressing room together. He giggled a little as he watched Chester from behind. “This seems a little familiar. I don’t think these rooms are built for two.” 

“They aren’t,” Chester agreed absently as he studied the starry, red belt in the mirror. “I think you’re right though. It does wonders for these jeans.” His gaze went from his waist up to the reflection of Mike’s dark eyes right behind him. Chester dropped his shirt tail and turned around. His arms went right around Mike’s neck as he gently pressed their lips together. His eyes shut, his mind drifting away from clothes, to being close with his boyfriend in the same dressing room where they’d shared their very first kiss. 

Chester’s fingers were in his hair, and Mike melted into the kiss. The thoughts of the collar, the belt, everything slipped away as he slid his hands around Chester’s back and pulled him closer. It took a lot of restraint to not pull Chester in too quickly, too roughly, and Mike tried to let Chester pace them. The thought that it was a long way from their first kiss, when Chester had been the aggressive one, crossed his mind. Things had changed a lot between them, and he was hit with a wish he’d seemed to have a lot lately. The wish that things could go back to those first days, the days before he knew about YRS and before everything changed.

Mike pulled out of the kiss slowly, moving his lips across Chester’s cheek and next to his ear. “We should just make this like our first date, all over again,” he whispered. “But this time I’ll be the one buying you something. Let me buy you this belt like you bought me that shirt. I’ll take you out to the same restaurant and this time I’ll let you play footsies with me under the table.” 

The idea cocked Chester’s eyebrow. “Interesting thought,” he decided. “Okay, I’m game.” He kissed Mike’s cheek before he stepped back and undid the belt, handing it over. “See? I’m a cheap date so far. That’s probably one of the least expensive things in this store.” He made the first move to head out of the dressing room and go for the front counter. 

“I’d buy you anything you wanted, you know.” Mike took the belt up to the counter and paid for it, then asked the cashier to snip off the tag for him so Chester could wear it out. “Here,” he said, handing over the starry red belt. “I want you to put it on for me.” They walked toward the exit together, with Chester concentrating on putting the new belt through the loops as they went. 

“I love it already,” Chester was saying as they stepped outside. He finished with his belt, and was ready to show it off to his boyfriend one more time, but stopped. “Hey, look.” He pointed toward a cartoon looking poster hanging on the side of the next building. “Plants vs Zombies. That’s the game that Ry and I are currently losing our asses to at the moment.”

Mike felt his mood drop a little at the mention of Ryan. He was hoping to go one evening without the other man coming up in conversation. It felt like more and more, Ryan was the centerpiece in Chester’s stories. Ryan was at work. Ryan was at the loft. Mike was trying hard to not let it bother him, but it still got under his skin. Chester had spent hours yesterday playing that game with Ryan while he practiced and eventually went upstairs alone to watch a movie. “Yeah, I saw. You guys just wouldn’t give up last night. I don’t understand that game at all. The one time I tried to play with you, I kept dying.” He started toward the parked car when a thought hit him. “We should get something to play together. Something fun, where I can’t mess up the whole thing when my guy dies.” Mike had no idea what kind of game he was talking about, but he thought Chester might have an idea. He was jealous of the amount of time his boyfriend spent with Ryan playing video games. If he couldn’t make that go away, maybe he could get Chester interested in a different game, something for the two of them with Ryan not included. 

“Yeah, okay,” Chester agreed, even though video games had never interested his boyfriend before. “We could get a racing game. You love to drive fast cars,” he stated, swinging an arm around Mike’s waist quickly, just before his phone dinged in his pocket. He pulled away to see a text from Ryan. 

**Ryan:** _Finally went to intermission over here. I’m starving!_

Chester had to laugh before he texted back. 

**Chester:** _You dork, you should have eaten something before you went. Me and Mike are eating now. Want me to send you some sexy food pics?._

Ryan re-read Chester’s text before he rolled his eyes. “That little punk,” he sniggered to himself as he texted something teasing back before he looked at Jason. “Are you sure there’s snacks out here?” He’d already tried to look for someone with food, but there were so many people coming out of the concert hall, that it was hard to really tell. 

“There’s a wine bar down at the other end, and coffee over here.” Jason pointed with one hand while his other rested gently on Ryan’s back. He had noticed the first thing Ryan did when they walked into the atrium was take his phone out. _It’s no wonder he doesn’t see the food._ “Both places have small desserts if you’re hungry.” 

Ryan turned one way and then looked down the other. “I think coffee would be good.” He scooted out of the way as more people were coming through. “We can get coffee and something to eat in fifteen minutes. If we hurry.” 

Jason patted Ryan on the back. “If you get something, make sure you can eat it before intermission is over. I really wanted a glass of wine.” He looked over at the wine bar. It was further away than the coffee that Ryan wanted, and he wanted Ryan to have his coffee. _I don’t think he knows that I noticed he dozed off a bit. He should get his coffee so he’ll make it to the end._ “I don’t think we have time for both,” he decided. “Let’s get you some coffee.”

Jason took a step forward to head for the coffee bar, but Ryan stopped him. “It’s okay if you want wine,” he said, nodding in the other direction. He glanced at his watch, pushing up the sleeve of his suit jacket. “I can go this way and grab a coffee and something to eat and you get your wine and I’ll meet you right back here.” 

With a relieved smile, Jason nodded. “Okay. We’ll meet back here. Don’t worry about getting me anything to eat. I’m not hungry.” He headed in the direction of the wine bar, weaving his way through other patrons and was only a few steps away when someone called his name. He stopped, automatically turning, and was met by an older woman. She and her husband were regular attendees he and Mark had befriended over the years. He self-consciously slid his left hand into his suit pocket as he tried to put a genuine smile with his greeting. 

“Mrs. Covington, it’s so lovely to see you!” He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek. “How have you been?” 

She pressed her gloved hand to the center of her black dress. “I’ve been just fine,” she assured him, her voice smooth and clean. “But how have you been? Harold and I were just talking about you the other day.” She nodded toward the restrooms. “He’ll be back in a few minutes. Oh, Jason, we were so upset when we heard the news. How are you holding up?” 

It had been a while since Jason had been confronted with questions about Mark, and he felt strangely out of practice. “I’m doing better,” he said, dropping his eyes. “It’s all still unbelievable. I haven’t been out much. This is my first time back here, I just… it’s a comforting place to be. You understand.” He took a deep breath to try to cover his anxiety. The last thing he wanted was for the Covingtons to think he was already moving on. All they knew was Mark and Jason as a loving and devoted couple. He didn’t want anything to change that. 

“Oh, I’m sure,” she encouraged. She lightly patted him on the forearm before she reached up, straightening one of her oversized pearl earrings. “Harold and I wish you the best. And it’s so good to see you here. Getting out is a good thing,” she stressed just before her attention was caught by someone else she knew. “There’s Mrs. Sullivan,” she said suddenly. “I need to speak to her.” She quickly wished Jason goodbye, and then she was off, maneuvering around the crowd. 

He watched her walk away. It was good the exchange hadn’t been any longer than it was. He wasn’t sure he would have known what else to say. There was a whole set of unwritten rules in the high class circles Mark worked in, and Jason wasn’t sure if he was still following those rules or not. He made his way over to the bar and ordered a glass of red wine he was fond of. _The last few times I’ve had wine it’s been white. I’m craving a red. The last time I had red was when Ry and I had a bottle._ He ordered his wine and wished Ryan was with him instead of getting coffee. _He just doesn’t like wine all that much. I’m sure he’d rather be home drinking beer and playing video games with Chaz. I wonder what Chaz and Mike are doing. Mike would have liked this. Maybe he’d be standing here with me getting wine. It’s so hard to drink coffee quickly, it’s too hot. Maybe Ry got something iced._

As he waited for the sommelier to pour his glass of wine he looked around, trying to see if Ryan had managed to get his coffee yet, and if he was headed back over to meet him. They were going to have to drink quickly in order to make it back to their seats on time. He didn’t see Ryan in the crowd, and when he turned back to the bar, the sommelier had just put his glass within reach. 

Jason picked it up with a gracious thank you, and started back toward the coffee bar. _We were going to meet in the middle. I’ll wait for him in exactly the same spot. _ The crowd was starting to thin as patrons went back to their seats, and as he stopped to wait, another familiar face caught his eye - one that he hoped to avoid. 

Stetson James hadn’t missed Jason standing by the entrance doors. He glanced around, but Jason Wakefield seemed to be alone. Stetson slapped on his best charming grin as he walked up to meet him. “Jason, it’s good to see you.” He stuck one hand out to shake, his other running over his short coal black hair. 

Jason shifted his wine glass into his left hand, cupping his fingers underneath as he tried to slide Ryan’s ring up under the wine glass a little more. He reached to shake Stetson’s hand. “And you as well. How have you been?” he greeted formally. Stetson was around his age, and from a long line of family money that gave him more confidence than Jason generally liked in a person. He forced himself to hold their eye contact instead of looking around for Ryan. It was like a game to see who held the upper hand, and Mark had always been able to keep Stetson in his place. 

“Oh, you know,” Stetson said in his deeper voice, “same old same old. Trying to stay out of the rings of gossip that are always happening.” He stopped to look around again before his gaze landed on Jason. “You’re looking very well put together,” he complimented. “Are you here alone?” 

“I, well, thank you, and no.” Jason stumbled over his words, trying to figure out a way to get out of the conversation before it headed the direction he knew it was going.

Stetson’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Not alone? And who’s the lucky man?” He looked around, but he didn’t see anyone who looked like they were there to escort Jason around. 

“I’m here with my boyfriend. Mike.” Jason almost covered his mouth in surprise as his brain supplied the first name it thought of, and the last person he’d been thinking about. “Ryan. Michael Ryan,” he tried to correct casually, finally looking away from Stetson and around the room for Ryan. _God, don’t let him have been close enough to hear that!_

Stetson passed his hand over his clean shaven chin thoughtfully. “Michael Ryan,” he echoed. “I don’t think I know him. Is he part of the regular symphony crowd?” 

“I’m sure you haven’t met,” Jason started to say, just as the house lights dimmed twice. It was the signal that intermission was about to end, and he needed to get Ryan back to their seats. He looked back at Stetson. “That’s my cue, it was nice to see you. Maybe I’ll be able to introduce you next time.” He stepped away and toward the coffee bar, ready to round up his boyfriend. _Ryan._

Ryan had sat down on a stool, his elbows on the bar as he shoved his third piece of bite-sized cheesecake into his mouth. He washed it down with a swig of sugary coffee just as Jason appeared next to him. “Jay,” he said, swallowing quickly. “I’m glad you’re here…I think there’s something wrong with the lights.” He pointed up to the ceiling. “They keep flashing.” 

“Yes, that’s the house lights flashing. They do it at five and two minutes before intermission is over. It’s the signal to go back into the concert hall.” Jason swirled his glass and took more than a sip of his wine. He needed it to be gone so he could leave the glass behind at the bar where Ryan was sitting. For a quick moment he appreciated how handsome Ryan was, all dressed up in the suit that Jason knew was uncomfortable for him. He started to reach out and touch his boyfriend, but stopped. He didn’t know who else might see them. “Ry. We need to head back inside.” 

“Don’t we have five minutes?” Ryan asked as he reached for Jason’s hand. Since they’d been holding hands inside the concert hall, Ryan took that as a sign that it was okay. “Come sit with me. I have time for another cheesecake.” He guided Jason onto the stool next to him, even though he could see the reluctance in his face. “It’s fine. Five minutes, Jay. Finish your wine and I’ll finish my coffee.” Before he could take another little cheesecake, his phone buzzed on the bar, and Ryan quickly replied to Chester’s next text. 

“That was a minute ago,” Jason protested, even though he sat right down. He leaned closer to see what Ryan was doing, and caught Chester’s name at the top of the phone screen. “You’re so bad. Over here texting Chaz instead of walking back to meet me. I see how it is,” he commented lightly, raising his wine glass back to his lips. 

Ryan cracked a smile as he waved his phone in Jason’s direction. “He’s telling me about this racing game they’re going to go buy. I guess it was Mike’s idea, he wants to play it with Chaz, which is just weird.” He took another large drink of coffee. “And I saw you talking with some people. I didn’t want to interrupt. And Ruby the coffee girl is so nice.” 

All Jason heard was the fact that Mike Shinoda wanted to play a video game. He set down his empty wine glass and looked at Ryan in disbelief. “What? Mike? It was Mike’s idea to buy a video game?” He tried to work out in his head if he’d ever seen Mike in front of the television with a game controller in his hand. It was a sight he’d seen over and over with Ryan and Chester, but never with Mike. “Are you sure that’s what he said?”

Ryan glanced down at his phone. “Yeah, that’s what he says. He said it was Mike’s idea.” A second later, the house lights flashed again. “Guess that means we’re late,” Ryan said, downing the rest of his coffee before he stood up in a hurry. “Can we get back in if we’re late?” 

“No, they won’t seat us late. Let’s go.” Jason was already a step ahead of Ryan, his mind focused on getting back to the balcony seats before the ushers shut the doors. 

Ryan’s phone jingled, and he was quick to read the next message from Chester. 

**Chazzy:** _You’re making me want coffee. I want some, but I think we’ll wait till we’re home. Gaming and coffee, it’s the best you know._

Ryan glanced up, just in time to see that he was definitely out of time. 

**Ryan:** _It is the best. I just chugged mine. Gotta go back in now. I’ll see you when I get home._

** ******  
TBC** **


	10. Strange Bedfellows

Chester stood up from the couch. He waited a minute watching as Mike sat, his hands gripped tightly around the controller like he was hanging onto it for dear life as he moved left, then right, his whole body moving with his controls to steer his race car on screen around the track. “I’m going to make coffee, Mike. You want some?” 

“Sure,” Mike muttered, his voice colored with frustration as he drove his car right into a wall and it burst into flames. “I don’t understand why I can’t do this. You make it look so easy.” He didn’t look away from the screen as his car reappeared - at the starting line. 

Chester stepped over Mike’s legs, and headed for the kitchen. “It just takes practice, Sexy Boy. I’ve been playing video games forever.” He stepped into the kitchen, keeping one eye on the television and Mike’s sad attempts at keeping up with the other drivers, and making coffee. “Just remember to use your brakes!” 

“Which button is the brakes?” Mike shouted back. “There’s too many buttons on this, I can’t remember which one does what!” He was ready to chuck the controller at the wall, but it was hard to find a clear shot. Boxes and piles of Jason and Ryan’s stuff were everywhere. 

“It’s the top left, but don’t use it too much or you’ll never keep up,” Chester advised as he pulled down two coffee mugs from the cabinets. “You have to drift, that’s even more important than the brakes.” He quickly filled the reservoir with water, turned the machine on, and scooped out enough coffee to make two cups, before he headed back across the room. He stopped at the edge of the couch, right next to his boyfriend. 

“I’m frustrated,” Mike admitted as he crashed again. He didn’t want to tell Chester that nothing about video games was fun for him, but he was losing patience with the process of learning to play. “I don’t know how you can do this for hours. You’ll never want to play anything with me where we’re on the same team. I’d just hold you back.”

Chester looked down at his lover, and the downhearted expression on his face. “Aw, don’t say that.” He leaned over the arm of the couch and nuzzled his nose to Mike’s ear. “I’ll always take you on my team.” 

Mike sighed, dropping his hands into his lap. “Thanks, Ches. I’m just not good at this. I wanted to have fun with you tonight. This is really making me mad, though. Maybe when the coffee is done you can show me what you’re talking about with the drifting and the buttons.” He leaned his head closer to Chester’s touch. “I’ll try again, but you’ll have to help me win. I don’t think I can take losing any more.” 

“Coffee’s got a few minutes,” Chester answered before he sat down on the arm of the couch, one leg dangling, while the other was tucked up under him. “And it’s really just about learning how your car works. I’ll show you how to drift, and that’s half the battle.” He pulled his cell phone from the pocket of his jeans, but it was still blank and quiet. He leaned forward, tossing it to the bed in the corner, figuring he wasn’t going to need it for awhile. 

Mike looked over, ready to complain more about his lack of skill, and his eyes caught the red belt he’d bought Chester earlier. There was just a peek of it from under Chester’s shirt when he leaned forward, but it was enough for all of Mike’s thoughts to go straight from the game to the new accessory. He reached out and slid his fingers along the outside, feeling the small beveled stars. “This looks really good on you,” he said. “I’m glad we decided to get it. And I had a great time with you at dinner.” He wanted to put the game controller down and take advantage of having the loft to themselves. The idea of getting Chester upstairs and out of his clothes was far more appealing than learning to drive a fake car. 

“Dinner was excellent,” Chester agreed thoughtfully. He could feel Mike’s hand on his belt, and he leaned a little forward, showing it off a bit more. “I’m glad we did that...dinner and shopping. It’s been fun.” 

“Come here.” Mike tossed the controller aside and let his fingers curl around the red belt. He tugged on it gently, being mindful to not pull too hard but trying to coax Chester down next to him. “We’re alone, you know. It’s been a long, long time since that happened.”

Chester let himself be pulled, and a second later he was on the couch, pressed close to Mike’s side. It would only take him tossing a leg over Mike’s, and he’d be on his lap, but he refrained for the moment. “It has been awhile since we’ve been here alone. It’s crazy how quiet it is right now.” He shut his eyes as he brought their lips together for a short, succulent kiss. The light of the silent game screen flickering out in front of them. 

They were so close, and Mike wanted more. His fingers were still hooked around the belt, and he pulled on it again while they kissed. He wanted the feeling of Chester’s weight on his lap, pressing him down. There was no way to know how much longer they would be alone, if it would be an hour, or only minutes. He was ready to forget the coffee and haul Chester on top of him, but he remembered. He wasn’t supposed to be the one in control. He needed to let his boyfriend decide what he wanted.

Mike kissed the corner of Chester’s mouth before he leaned back a little, trying to read where things were headed. “Ches,” he murmured, his voice almost a whisper, “maybe we should forget the coffee. You know? What do you think?”

Chester really wanted to say yes. He was in a good mood, and the day had been light and romantic. But he also really wanted coffee. “Tell you what,” he said, straightening himself up a little, one hand on Mike’s shoulder, “let’s have coffee and then we can head upstairs...or stay down here, if no one’s home yet.” 

It took every ounce of Mike’s willpower to nod his head and let Chester go. “Sounds like a plan,” he agreed, fighting to keep the tone of disappointment from his voice. _He’s gotten better at telling me what he wants. That’s what I wanted, what we needed. I need to be better at accepting it and not getting frustrated._ Mike stood up from the couch and followed Chester into the kitchen, and his eyes kept coming back to the red belt. 

The coffee pot light went off and Chester poured their cups. “Grab the milk, would you.” 

“Already on it, babe,” Mike replied, setting the carton on the counter. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’ll never drink your coffee black.” His hand drifted over Chester’s belt again before he reached for his own cup and leaned against the counter to watch as milk and sugar ended up in the other cup. _I don’t know how he drinks it like that. It ruins the taste._

“I can’t take it with nothing in it. It’s too bitter.” Chester blew over the top of his cup before he took a sip. “Soooo good,” he whispered in a silly voice, just to get Mike to smile at him. He was about to say something else, when he heard the front door, and the familiar sound of keys. “I think they’re back,” he absently pointed out as he turned, leaning against the counter so he could see whoever was going to come in first. 

Mike looked toward the door, trying to hide his frustration as Ryan stepped in, followed by Jason. They were both in dark suits, which was unusual for Ryan, and Mike cocked his head to the side. His eyes slid down the front of Jason’s suit, noting how well it fit and how expensive it probably was. _Where have they been keeping suits in this place? I have no idea how they find anything._ “Hey,” he called, “where have you two been? You’re all dressed up.”

Jason walked straight in and dropped his wallet, keys, and phone on the bar, and looked at Mike while he loosened his tie. “We went to the symphony. It was excellent.” He pulled on the knot until it came undone, then slid the tie off his neck and placed it on the counter. He was unbuttoning his collar as he glanced toward the bed and his eyes caught the frozen television screen. _Huh. They really are playing a game. That’s so weird._

Ryan was already half undressed when he got to the bed in the corner. His tie had come off in the car, and now his jacket, shirt, and shoes were off, too. He didn’t have to look to know Chester had followed him, coffee in hand. “I’ve gotta put something more comfortable on,” he said, keeping his voice low. He knew the suits and ties were okay for Jason, and he didn’t want his boyfriend to think he totally hated getting dressed up. It was okay. Occasionally. For short periods of time. “The symphony was okay,” he stated, kicking his dress shoes under the bed into the empty spot he’d taken them from. “Not enough food there though.” 

“It’s not catered or whatever?” Chester asked, sitting down on the bottom of the bed. “Did they play anything you know at least?” 

Ryan shook his head as he undid his belt. “No catering. They had a coffee place and a bar, which was all good. Just not enough. And we only had fifteen minutes to eat,” he stated, trying to keep the panic out of his tone. 

“Bet you’re starving now,” Chester chuckled as Ryan drop his dark pants and then tossed them to the corner before shuffling around in his sky blue underwear. “We’ve got coffee if you want some,” Chester offered as Ryan pulled a gray t-shirt from seemingly nowhere. “Or I can make you something to eat if you’re still hungry after your snack at the place.” 

Ryan looked up; Jason and Mike were still across the apartment, standing in the kitchen. He climbed halfway on the bed, his t-shirt in hand. “I’m starving,” he whispered. “We went to this place before the symphony. Jay hyped it up like it was the best, but, Chazzy, they only brought us out this much.” He held his hands up in a little circle. “It was nothing. I ate it in one bite and then Jay said that was the meal. Like, what the hell?” His eyes flashed up again, but Jason wasn’t close enough to hear him. “Please...anything. I’m not picky.” 

That was it. Chester was on a mission. “I got you. How about cheeseburgers?” 

“I love you,” Ryan said, backing off the bed. “Yes, please.” He tugged his t-shirt over his head and set about finding a pair of joggers to put on to get comfortable. 

“You went to 71Above?!” Mike exclaimed, a hand going up in disbelief. He set his coffee cup on the counter and then crossed his arms in a huff. “I’m so jealous. They have the most incredible dishes. I’ve always thought their chefs were amazing. I had an entree there once that I swear was too beautiful to eat. Like artwork. Man, I’d have liked to go there. It’s been a long time.” He stopped, the thought of his parents and the anniversary they last celebrated there coming to mind. “I think it was my parents anniversary. Or maybe a promotion,” he decided. “They probably wouldn’t have taken me on an anniversary. Anyway, doesn’t matter. I love that place.” 

“It was very good,” Jason enthused. “I completely agree about their dishes being artistic. I always make fun of those people who take pictures of everything they eat, but in a place like that, it feels like you should appreciate the aesthetics more.” He glanced over at Ryan and Chester. He wasn’t sure his boyfriend had appreciated the restaurant on the same level he had. “I don’t think Ry was impressed. He was wanting food at the symphony.”

Mike looked scandalized. “Food? There’s no food at the symphony.”

“That’s what I said.” Jason shrugged. “He got some dessert at intermission, it seemed to help.” He thought about telling Mike how Ryan dozed off in the first half, but he didn’t want to make his boyfriend feel bad. _It’s not his fault, really. He just doesn’t love it the way I do. The way Mike does. At least he was trying._

“Dessert,” Mike scoffed softly. “There’s barely enough time to go to the bathroom during intermission, how was there time to eat anything?”

“Don’t worry, Sexy Boy,” Chester assured the room. “I’m making cheeseburgers.” He stopped when he got to the bar, setting his half empty coffee cup down. “Who wants? Jason? I’m offering.” 

“I’m good.” Jason waved him off. He looked around. Chester was going to be taking over the kitchen and Ryan would probably be hovering, and the space was too small for all four of them. “I think I’ll go take a shower while you guys are in here.” He knew his conversation with Mike was over, at least for the time being. There would be cheeseburger discussions and things that Jason wasn’t really interested in.

“Okay,” Ryan answered, even though the comment hadn’t been fully directed to him. “You sure you don’t want something to eat? We can put extra onions and pickles on yours.” 

Jason was already across the loft. “No, thanks. I know you’re probably starving, though. You can have my extra pickles and onions.” He stood next to the bed and got rid of his suit, one piece at a time. _I guess I should probably take my clothes into the bathroom with me. It wouldn’t be right to walk around naked while they’re eating. I hate doing that. They get all damp from the steam in the shower._ Jason let out a sigh as he dug around for clean underwear and pajamas. 

Mike picked his coffee cup back up and got out of the way of Chester’s preparations. “I’ll take one,” he said, even though they had eaten dinner earlier. He always had room for Chester’s cooking, and cheeseburgers sounded delicious. 

“You got it,” Chester stated, just before he remembered. He spun around. “Before I forget, check out my new belt!” He pulled his shirt up, showing off his flat stomach and the red starry belt looped around his jeans. 

Ryan nodded in approval. “That’s kickass. Is that from Mohawk General?” He took a step closer, his hand already on it as he felt over the stars. “They’re beveled.” 

“I bought it,” Mike interjected as Ryan touched the belt. He couldn’t say what he wanted to say, which was look but don’t touch. “Ches wanted it, so I indulged his habit.” 

“Yeah you did,” Chester grinned at his boyfriend. 

Ryan stood back, trying to mentally measure. “Is it big enough for me to borrow?” He looked down at his own waist. Chester was smaller than him, so sharing things like belts and jeans usually didn’t happen. 

Chester was already unbuckling the starry belt. “I don’t know. You can try it. I gotta get these cheeseburgers going. My stomach is yelling at me.” He pulled the red belt from his jeans and handed it over before his attention flashed to Mike. “You want one or two?” 

“Just one.” Mike pressed his lips together as Ryan looped the belt around his waist. _That looks ridiculous. I bought it for Ches, not for them to share._ His eyes narrowed and he looked back at his boyfriend, who was nonchalantly working on their second dinner. _He wouldn’t be cooking if it weren’t for Ryan. We’d be over there crashing cars still. Or I would be._ Before he said something snotty to Ryan about the belt, or Chester’s attention being taken away, he pulled his emotions back in. _He’s just doing what he does. He loves to cook. We’ll finish our game after. Or maybe not. Jay and Ryan might want to go to sleep. Maybe we’ll just go upstairs._ Mike walked over to the table and sat down, keeping a watchful eye on the activities in the kitchen. 

Chester was in the zone. He had the meat out, seasoning it with just the right amount of spices for a great cheeseburger experience. Ryan had stayed in the kitchen with him, fetching things as Chester requested. “You want french fries to go with this?” he asked over his shoulder. “Or we have chips. We have BBQ chips.” He looked over the bar at the table. “Sexy Boy? You got an opinion on any of this?” 

“BBQ chips,” Mike answered. He was flipping through a magazine on the table, one that had been purchased solely because another of Chester’s ads was in it. Mike had no issue with this one. It didn’t get any of Mike’s defenses up when he flipped by, the Score advertisement for men’s shirts not causing him to linger on the page. He appreciated how hot _his_ boyfriend looked, and that was all. 

“I’m okay with chips,” Ryan chimed in. “I wanted chips before. Chaz,” he said in a sudden huff, “did you know that they don’t have _any_ chips at the symphony? Like, nothing even close. Not even at the little coffee bar. All they had were these little, itty-bitty bites of cheesecake and custard tarts. I’m not even sure what those are, so I didn’t try them.” 

“Custard is like pudding, kinda,” Chester answered. “And that’s weird a coffee bar wouldn’t have chips. Everyone has chips.” 

Mike ignored all of the chip and symphony talk. It was clear that neither Ryan nor Chester had any concept of what going to the symphony was really like, and he decided to just stay out of it. He didn’t want to come across as a know it all. He tried to tune out the back and forth in the kitchen. The only thing that pulled his attention away from the magazine was Jason appearing from the bathroom, fully dressed in pajamas. _Hmm. I see how he’s dressed now. No problems getting dressed out here in the open when it’s just us._

His attention was divided between watching Jason cross the room and get comfortable on the bed, and monitoring what Chester and Ryan were doing in the kitchen - all while looking as though he was paying attention to nothing but the magazine. He could hear the sizzle of the hamburgers in the skillet, and bits and pieces of the conversation in the kitchen. Jason had already pulled back the blanket and was propping up his pillow to get ready to read. 

“These are just about done,” Chester stated. “Ry, get the plates.” He took his spatula and lifted one of the patties, his nose telling him more than his eyes. He pulled them off the heat, before scooting around Ryan to get to the refrigerator. He pulled out the cheese, ketchup, mustard, and pickles. He sat the last three on the counter before unwrapping pieces of sliced cheese, putting one each on the patties. He popped the lid back on the skillet, knowing the cheese would melt in just a minute or two. “I didn’t even know I was hungry till you said something.” 

“They smell so good,” Ryan offered from the opposite counter where he was doling out chips on the three plates. He glanced up. “Mike, how many chips do you want?” 

Mike looked away from Jason and back down at his magazine. “Um, whatever is fine.” 

Jason glanced over. He couldn’t believe they were all eating again. The meal at the restaurant had been enough for him, but Ryan and Mike both could put away a ton of food. _They both have such healthy appetites._ He opened his book and stretched out his legs. It felt good to be home. 

Ryan spilled a handful of chips on Mike’s plate, just as Chester came along behind him, dishing out the hot patties onto the buns. “I love your hamburgers, Chazzy,” Ryan praised, before he picked up Mike’s plate and walked it over to him. “Are we eating at the table, or do you want to show me this racing game you guys have been playing?” he asked as he headed back into the kitchen. 

“Oh I can show you,” Chester was quick to say before he looked out over the apartment. Mike was at the table, where they usually ate, but Jason was already in bed. “Um, Jay, are you okay with us playing the game a little bit or will that bother you?” Chester pointed to the television hanging on the wall on the other side of the bed. 

“I’m just over here reading, it’s fine.” Internally, Jason cringed a little, but a glance at Ryan’s eager face made him agree. “I know Ry wants to try out the new game.” 

Chester and Ryan took their plates and headed for the couch. It was cheeseburgers and chips - two things they could eat while they raced. “Come on, Mike,” Chester called as he passed the table. “You can race with us. We’ve got a third controller around here somewhere.” 

“There’s nowhere to sit,” Mike protested, though the real reason he didn’t want to move was that he’d be asked again to play the game, and he was terrible at it. _Ryan will probably pick up the controller and win the damn game. And Ches will just see how much I can’t do it. He always plays with Ryan._ “I think I’ve played enough today anyway.”

Ryan was already on the couch, messing with the controller to get a new race started, but Chester stopped. “You sure?” he asked Mike. “We can all race together, and we can squeeze onto the couch.” 

Ryan twisted around so he could see them both. “Or you can sit on the bed with Jay, if you don’t mind being that close to the screen.” 

Jason looked up at Ryan, then over at Mike. Their eyes connected for a moment, and Jason nodded. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“Well, okay.” Mike picked up his plate and came around the couch to sit on the corner of the bed, right next to Jason’s blanket covered feet. “I’ll just watch you guys, I’m not coordinated enough to eat and play.” 

Chester sat down on the couch, satisfied with that. With Mike settled on the end of the bed, the battle was on. Chester and Ryan had their plates on their laps, controllers in their hands as they raced, and laughed, and egged each other on. Ryan got up after the first race, bringing beers back to the couch, after both Mike and Jason declined. 

“I’m so beating your ass this round,” Ryan declared as he handed Chester a beer and then sat down. 

“Whatever. I was first last time, and _you_ were third.” 

Ryan shot Chester a look. “That was my first race!” 

“Excuses,” Chester laughed as they both took a drink, and then sat their beers on the floor at their feet. The coffee table was long gone, moved out of the way, with stuff piled onto it, leaving only four feet or so between the bed and the couch. 

The next race started, and in between laps they guzzled their drinks and stuffed their faces with food. Time flew by as they advanced through the first two levels in record time. Chester stood up, taking both their empty plates as they paused the game. “Mike, you done?” he asked, offering to take his plate to the kitchen for him.

“Yeah, thanks. I think I’m going to head up and grab my pajamas and get a shower while you guys play.” He knew he sounded bored, and he was. “Think you’ll be done when I get out?” he asked hopefully. 

Chester was balancing all three plates. “I don’t know. Shouldn’t be too long after that though.” He turned and headed for the kitchen, ready to rinse the dishes and quickly wipe down the kitchen before he’d grab another couple of beers for him and Ryan. 

It didn’t take long. Chester was an expert of his kitchen, and he was back on the couch with Ryan in just a few minutes. Jason was still on the bed, reading, as Chester heard the shower start. The game was intense, and time passed quickly as the cars raced through the laps. Before long, Mike was standing next to the couch, dressed in his pajamas, his hair still damp. 

He watched the progress of the game for a few minutes. _Wow. They’ve levelled up a few times already. I’m sure Ches is having a great time now that I’m not holding him back._ Mike bit down on his bottom lip, thinking. He wanted to ask Chester to come upstairs with him, but he wasn’t sure if his boyfriend would leave his game, and he didn’t want to know the answer. He glanced at Jason, who was busy with his book, and decided he’d just go upstairs and wait. “Ches? I’m gonna go up and watch a movie.” He reached out and feathered his fingers over Chester’s neck and shoulder, hoping to at least get his attention for a moment. 

“Okay, pause,” Chester said, hitting the button, and the game froze. He looked up at his boyfriend. “You sure?” he asked, part of him knowing he should probably bail out of the racing to go with him, but he also wanted to get a little further along before they stopped for the night. They were on a roll. 

“Yeah.” He leaned down, giving Chester a quick kiss. “I know you’re in the zone.” 

Chester smiled. “Okay, I’ll be up in a little bit.” His focus was right back on the television as Ryan unpaused the game and their cars took off. 

Jason watched Mike climb the stairs, reading the sag in his shoulders as he went. _I know how he feels. They get so wrapped up in these games, it’s hard to pull them away. At least he can disappear upstairs. Oh well. By the time I get ready to go to sleep, they’ll be finished._ He tried to put his focus on his book, but his concentration was interrupted continuously by the shouts and cheers from the couch. For another fifteen minutes or so he gave it a good effort, then he finally gave up. Jason reached for his bookmark and slid it into place, giving Ryan and Chester a thoughtful stare.

_Mike’s up watching a movie. I could go up and watch it, too. Or we could finish our chat about the symphony. We didn’t even get to talk about what they played. I’m sure he’d know it. That’s what he wants to study. Maybe next time I should take Mike with me instead._ Jason swung his legs off the bed and stood up. “Hey, Ry?” He waited and Ryan gave a sort of mumble, an affirmation that he’d heard his name. “I’m going to go up with Mike and watch the movie or read a little more. I’ll come back down when you guys are done.” 

Ryan paused the game, and both he and Chester watched as Jason picked up his pillow from the bed. “Yeah okay...or we can turn it off for the night,” he offered. He glanced at his watch. It was still kind of early, but if his boyfriend wanted some peace and quiet, he didn’t want to monopolize their _bedroom_ with the game. 

“Yeah, Jay, we can be done if you want,” Chester added in. Ever since Jason and Ryan had moved into the loft, he was trying to keep it at the front of his mind that the apartment really wasn’t his. It was Jason’s. 

“You’re fine. Go ahead and finish your game, Mike wanted to hear about the music we heard at the symphony, and then we all got caught up in showers and cheeseburgers.” He walked around the back of the couch so he didn’t get in the way of the game, even though it was paused. “Really, go ahead.” 

It only took a look, a few seconds of nonverbal communication before Ryan and Chester agreed. The game was back on, as they raced, sitting close together on the couch so they could throw the occasional playful elbow at each other or nudge one another with their knees and feet. It was the way video game rounds always went.

Jason climbed the stairs without looking back, his pillow in one hand and his book in the other. As soon as he stepped into the loft his eyes landed on Mike, and the television screen that was black. “Oh. I thought you were watching a movie,” he said, standing just inside the landing. 

Mike turned his head on his pillow and caught Jason’s eyes in the dim upstairs lighting. “Hey. I was just about to give up on Ches. You know how they are when they get into the games. Seems like more and more lately they just get lost in them. I was laying here and decided I was tired.” He stopped and turned on his side, a small smile touching his lips. “Looks like you got tired of listening to it, too.”

“Yeah.” Jason crossed the floor, his bare feet whispering over the hardwood. “I was going to ask if I could join you.” He watched Mike’s eyebrows shoot up. “To watch the movie. But if you’re going to sleep, I’ll just read until they’re done.” He stopped next to Chester’s side of the bed, waiting. Mike’s eyes were dark and unreadable with the night lamp behind him. 

“You have your pillow,” Mike pointed out unnecessarily. He felt a little twist in his stomach as he looked at Jason. _We’re friends. He can read up here, it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t mean anything._

“I wanted to be comfortable.” Jason let the statement hang in the air, and he watched Mike debate with himself a little over whether or not he wanted company. He wanted Mike to say yes. The air held that same heavy electric feeling it always did when the two of them were alone. _This is probably dangerous, getting closer to him. Making all these comparisons to Ry. They’re so different. Watching Ry sleep tonight was just another point in Mark’s column. Maybe he’s been right all along. Maybe part of the reason we’re all shoved in here together is so I could realize Mike’s potential._

Without saying anything, Mike pulled Chester’s pillow over close to his side and made space for Jason to join him. “Come on, then,” he allowed, his breath a little short. He hadn’t lay in a bed with Jason Wakefield since that fateful night at YRS, and Mike fought back the memories that were coming to him. He’d spent months trying to pretend he didn’t remember what it felt like to have Jason so close to him, and now here he was.

Jason plopped his pillow down and set his book on the nightstand. “The symphony was really good,” he said, starting the conversation as he climbed into Chester’s space. He pulled the black and red blanket over him and turned on his side, pushing his arm up under his pillow to see Mike better. “You would have enjoyed it, I think. They did Mahler 5 and it was really beautiful.”

“I love Mahler.” Mike’s voice was soft and sleepy. “The French horn solo is my favorite. I saw Mahler 5 live once, it was unforgettable.” He smiled at Jason. “Maybe we can go next time.”

“I was thinking that, actually,” Jason said as a few loud shouts rose from downstairs. He rolled his eyes. “I bought those season tickets, and we were sitting in the hall, and Ryan fell asleep,” he admitted. “And all I could think was - why did I buy these? I’ll never get him back in here. Then I thought about you.” Jason smiled softly, resisting the urge to reach across the space between them and move Mike’s long hair from his eyes. _His eyes are so beautiful. I’m sure he knows that. I’m sure Chester tells him that all the time._

Mike felt that same little tingle up his spine that he felt when Jason touched him so innocently, any of the small number of times his hand had found Mike’s skin. “I’ll definitely go, if you want someone to talk music with. I’m your guy.” His eyes dropped to Jason’s lips for a split second before he forced them up again. 

“I bet you could tell me all about whatever we were listening to,” Jason complimented, and he imagined the embarrassed tint to Mike’s cheeks that he couldn’t see in the shadows. _He always blushes when I compliment his music or his art. He looks so sweet when he’s embarrassed._

“I want to know more,” Mike stated seriously. “Music history is something I’ve always been interested in, but that’s college level stuff. And I, I’m not there yet. Now that things have calmed down and I’m back at the studio, I can practice more and get my auditions in. I really want to go to school, Jay. I could study music forever and it would still only be scratching the surface.”

Jason nodded. “One day, you’ll get to go. We’ll make it happen.” Jason stopped speaking, suddenly aware he was making plans for the future, and those plans included Mike. Mike, and not Ryan. He was almost stunned at the realization.

Mike studied Jason’s face for a moment. “Ches and I are going to be on our own soon,” he whispered. “I don’t know if we’ll ever find the money for school.” _That’s all I ever wanted, and I don’t think it’s going to happen. I can’t see us ever being solid enough financially for me to go to school. I’ll be teaching lessons the rest of my life. How did we get here? There were so many things I thought my life would be by now that just aren’t happening._

A little flutter of dismay crossed Jason’s heart. He wanted Mike to have his schooling. He knew it was something the other man wished for, that he was missing, and Jason couldn’t stop himself from saying, “we can look at it together, Mike. Maybe you and Chaz need to stay here so there will be money for school. I know you really want that. We can find a way, in the budget, somehow.” _You can stay here with me, and I’ll take care of it all._ The sudden thought was blinding. _I could. I could do that for him. I could do that for him, where Chaz can’t._

Mike’s heart skipped a beat as he looked at Jason’s earnest expression. _We didn’t even talk about school when we were budgeting this morning. I can’t take any more from him than we already are right now._ Mike closed his eyes. “Maybe,” he whispered, blocking Jason’s face from his sight.

Jason saw the glimmer of hope on Mike’s face before he shut his eyes, and took the hint. The idea had been planted, it was up to Mike to realize that Jason could give him a life he might not have otherwise. _A life he was meant for… like Mark said. He came from that kind of life. I’d just be giving it back to him._ “We can figure it out another time. I know you’re tired.” He rolled over on his side, facing the stairs, his back to Mike. “Good night, Mike.” 

Mike cracked his eyes a bit, just to see the back of Jason’s head. “Night,” he mumbled, thoughts of the future, school, and Jason’s role in all that on his mind. He was asleep in mere minutes, worn out from everything he and Chester had done that day. 

Chester yawned just as the lap ended. “What time is it?” he asked, his eyes starting to hurt a little. He looked around. It was dark outside, and at some point, he’d gotten up and turned the kitchen light off, leaving the living room in a darker state, the light from the television a little more pronounced. “It’s dark out,” he mumbled. 

“Oh shit,” Ryan swore softly. “We’ve been playing for the last two hours.” He glanced up toward the bedroom. “Do you think their movie is still on?” 

“I guess, but we better stop for the night,” Chester was quick to suggest before he yawned again. “I’ve gotta pee and then I’ll go up and send Jay down.” He handed his controller to Ryan before he stood up, stretching his arms over his head. 

“That belt really does look good on you,” Ryan complimented as he watched the small sliver of Chester’s belly skin right above his jeans. “But then again, you could tie a rope around your waist and still pull it off as sexy.” 

Chester dropped his arms as he laughed. “A rope,” he snorted. “That would look so awful. As a professional model, you shouldn’t even be suggesting things like that.” 

“I’m just trying to make a point,” Ryan insisted as he stood up, too. He reached for the red belt, sliding his finger over the silver buckle. “Stars, a rope, whatever. You’ve got this tiny little waist that pulls it off.” 

“Too tiny,” Chester was quick to shoot back. “Wish there was more to me...like you. And dammit all to hell that I can’t grow this kind of quality beard.” His hand was on Ryan’s face before he knew it, petting his fingers over the dark scruff before he sighed and announced that he really, really needed to pee. 

Ryan watched him head toward the bathroom before he looked around. There were four beer bottles, and an empty bag of M&Ms they’d managed to polish off over the last few hours. He picked everything up, and headed for the kitchen to throw it away. He maneuvered around, knowing where everything was. There was no need to turn the kitchen lights on. He was back at the bed, pulling back the blankets and taking his shirt off when Chester stepped out of the bathroom. 

“I’ll send your boyfriend down,” Chester said as he stepped close to the bed, scratching his fingers up and down his side with a yawn. 

Ryan stepped out of his red joggers, tossing them off to the side before he slid into bed. “Okay,” he said, his voice coming out in a sleepy tone. “Night, Chazzy. I’ll kick your ass some more tomorrow.” 

“Whatever. Night,” Chester responded before he headed for the stairs. The day had been long - fun, but long - and he was ready to lay down and snuggle with Mike as they both fell asleep. He was halfway up the stairs before he realized he couldn’t hear anything. There was no movie playing in the bedroom. He could see only a dim light coming from the bedroom, and he instinctively moved a little slower, until he was finally at the top. He stopped. 

The lamp on Mike’s side of the bed was on, its dim glow leaving the space full of shadows. Chester hadn’t moved as he stared at the bed. Jason was under the blanket, lying down on his side, facing the stairs. His eyes were shut, his lips barely parted. He was asleep, and so was Mike. 

Chester took a step closer, scanning his boyfriend. He was facing Jason, his arm looped over Chester’s pillow in the middle of the bed, separating the two of them. _What on earth are they doing? Guess they just fell asleep._ He looked toward the television hanging on the wall, but it was off. _Should I wake Jay up and send him downstairs?_

The question tumbled around in Chester’s mind for a minute. It was the first time he’d ever seen Mike in bed with someone else, and it was throwing him off. And not just any bed, but his bed. In his place. The two of them looked like they’d always slept together - like they were a couple in an alternative universe - and it was almost distracting. _Is that what we look like when we’re in bed?_ He glanced toward the half-wall, the mental image of the bed downstairs and how Ryan and Jason usually looked in it coming to mind. For whatever reason, this was different. Maybe it was the expression on Jason’s silent face, or maybe it was because Mike was the one laying with him instead of Ryan. Chester wasn’t sure, but it nagged at him a little as he tried to put his finger on it. 

He tilted his head. Mike looked peaceful, his longer hair brushed back behind his ear, the pillow cradled against him. Chester took another step toward the bed, ready to touch Jason on the shoulder and wake him up, but he stopped the moment he heard a soft snore escape from Jason’s throat. Chester pulled his hand back._They’re already asleep. Why wake them up? I won’t. I’ll just go back downstairs._

He leaned over Jason just enough to grab his pillow, carefully pulling it out from under Mike’s arm. “Night, Sexy Boy,” he whispered as he did, and then he turned around and headed down the stairs. 

All that registered in Mike’s mind as he kept sleeping was the loss of the pillow he was holding. It took a few moments, but he reached out, his arm searching until it found the warm shape of Jason’s back in the bed with him. It was automatic. Unconscious. Mike’s body slid across the space between them, looping his arm around Jason’s waist and snuggling up close. All he felt was warmth and comfort. He didn’t even register that the person in front of him, tucked up close as their legs tangled together, felt nothing like Chester. His arm laced up under Jason’s, his face close on Jason’s neck as they both stayed deeply asleep. 

“Hey,” Chester called quietly as he headed to the foot of the bed. Ryan had been lying down, his arm over his eyes, but the moment he heard Chester’s voice, he was sitting up. “They’re asleep, so I’m just going to let them stay that way.” 

Ryan looked up toward the bedroom. “Really?” He watched Chester nod. “Guess I can’t blame them. We did lose track of time.” 

“I know. We suck,” Chester half laughed before he held his pillow up. “They had my pillow between them.” 

“On the bed?” 

“Yeah. It’s like, why? Guess because my pillow is sexy,” Chester teased, his tongue coming out overtop his piercing. 

“Yeah, that’s obviously it. And I agree, might as well leave them be if they’re already asleep,” Ryan stated with a long yawn. “I’m sure they’ll be fine up there together. Turn the lights off and come on.” He tossed back the blanket, his bare legs and sky blue underwear showing. “Get in. I’m beat.” 

Chester hesitated. He looked from the bed to the couch, and back again. He’d shared a bed with Ryan more than a few times. And as it stood, it was the logical choice. His space upstairs was taken, and the bed space down here was open. But he knew Mike wouldn’t like it. “Actually, I think I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said as he headed that way with his pillow. 

The corners of Ryan’s mouth turned down in a surprised pout. “What? Well, why? There’s plenty of room over here.” He motioned to the space next to him in bed. 

Chester slumped onto the couch, setting his pillow beside him. “I know...but Mike wouldn’t understand.” 

****

The half walls of the loft didn’t diffuse the morning light. It had been the bane of Mike’s existence the entire time he’d lived with Chester at the loft. He was in the habit of burying his face in the back of Chester’s neck and blocking out the first rays so he could keep sleeping, and this morning was no different. The action was automatic as he nuzzled his face into the space between the pillow and Chester’s neck. It was comfortable and warm, and it hid his eyes from the sunlight. He was barely aware of what he was doing as he softly kissed the skin in front of him.

The gentle press of lips to his neck brought Jason out of his deep sleep. His instinct was to snuggle backwards into Ryan’s arms, but something was off. He opened his eyes a crack, and when the sight of Chester’s dresser came into view, his eyes popped open. _I’m upstairs? Oh. I went to sleep up here last night._ His eyes drifted over to the nightstand, where his book caught his attention. _So that means…_

He shifted slowly, feeling the weight of Mike’s arm around his stomach. Jason held his breath as he turned, untangling his legs from Mike’s. _He’s so close. Just right there. Sleeping. He doesn’t even realize it’s me._ Jason took the opportunity to study Mike’s sleeping face. The dark eyelashes against his skin. The way his full lips had just the tiniest circular space in the center where he breathed lightly. The fall of his long bangs across his forehead and over his dark eyebrows. The small hoop earring he could see in one of Mike’s ears. Jason wanted to watch him sleep, but it was morning. Time to get out of the bed they shouldn’t be sharing. _This is crazy. It doesn’t even feel wrong to be here._

Jason lifted his hand and stroked it softly over Mike’s arm where it lay across his stomach. “Mike,” he whispered, his touch barely there. “Mikey.”

“Mmm,” was Mike’s low response, his voice gravelly from not being used over night. “I don’t want to get up.”

Jason smiled. “It’s morning.” His hand kept moving as he waited for Mike to shake off sleep. He was watching as Mike opened his eyes and sucked in a surprised breath.

“Jay?” Mike’s eyebrows knitted together as he realized his arm was around Jason. 

“Shh,” Jason cautioned, his fingers tightening around Mike’s arm. “Don’t wake them up. It’s quiet. I think they’re still sleeping.”

Mike pulled back a little bit, his hand trailing over Jason’s stomach as he rose up on his elbow. Jason was looking up at him, and Mike couldn’t look away. _I kissed the back of his neck. I kissed Jason. I’m in bed with Jason._ “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his pulse picking up speed. “I guess I moved in the middle of the night.” He looked down at the non-existent space between them. “Where’s Chester’s pillow?” The last thing he remembered was cuddling up to his boyfriend’s pillow and falling asleep, looking at the back of Jason’s head. How he’d ended up spooned against Jason was a mystery.

“I don’t know,” Jason admitted. It hadn’t even crossed his mind once he’d realized the person next to him in bed was Mike and not Ryan. “Maybe he came up and got it. It’s not in the bed.”

Mike shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said again, his gaze skipping away from Jason. “I think I kissed your neck. But I was sleeping. I didn’t mean to.”

Jason reached up and brushed Mike’s hair away from his panicked eyes. “It’s okay. You were sleeping.” His eyes dropped to look at Mike’s lips, and Jason remembered what it felt like to kiss him. He closed his eyes, pushing that memory away. “It doesn’t mean anything, right?” he whispered, using the same words they’d said to each other before. He was starting to think all of these little moments were adding up to something that _did_ mean more. 

Mike swallowed hard. He truly hadn’t meant to kiss Jason, yet here they were, still lying in bed, and neither of them had moved away. “No. It doesn’t mean anything.” He let himself look over Jason’s sleep tousled hair, his closed eyes, and his lips before he sat up, ignoring the part of him that suddenly wanted to make it meaningful. There had been so many little moments lately that he knew were coming together into something bigger, and he needed to put some space between them.

He pushed the blankets off and stood up, exhaling loudly. He could feel Jason’s eyes on him and he felt hot. “I’m going to go start some coffee,” he decided, even though that was typically Chester’s job. Mike ran a hand up over his hair and turned around, and his eyes met Jason’s. “You should come downstairs, too.”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Jason answered, watching Mike’s face carefully. It didn’t need to be said aloud. They both knew their moment in bed had to stay between them. _The secrets are stacking up between us. How easy it would be for it all to turn into something more. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe we’re better suited for each other. It seems to be so easy between us._ “Go on,” he whispered, part of him hoping Mike would stay, the other part of him knowing that Mike needed to go before something happened.

With a nod, Mike was across the room, ready to head downstairs. He felt like he needed some air. Some space. _I’ll open the windows. It’s nice in the morning, the breeze. I’ll do that, and start the coffee._ His thoughts stopped abruptly as the thought of Chester and where he’d ended up sleeping came crashing into his mind. _If he’s in bed with Ryan, I can’t even say anything. Not after what I did._

He could see the bed in the corner the moment he set foot on the stairs, and he could see Ryan on his side, his back to the rest of the loft. The space beside him where Jason usually slept was empty, and Mike felt the relief instantly. On the couch, curled up in a ball with his pillow, was Chester, asleep and alone. 

Mike debated whether or not to wake him up. He stood at the foot of the stairs, watching the quiet scene in front of him, and he realized that there had been a conscious choice made for Chester to sleep alone on the couch. It made him feel incredibly small. _There’s hardly enough space for him to stretch out on that couch, but he stayed there when Ryan went to bed. He stayed there because Jason was upstairs with me._

Mike crossed the room and stood at the window looking out. _Everything has changed so much since Jay and Ryan moved in. Since Ryan and I talked, and I’ve tried to be better about him and Ches. Now we’re sleeping apart and I’m talking about the future with Jay more than I do with Ches. What is wrong with me?_ He opened up the window and took a deep breath. _I’m always thinking about Chester’s boundaries with Ryan, and I’ve gotten just as bad with Jason. Is that normal? Is Ches right? Do friends really act that way together?_ He opened another window before he stepped into the kitchen to get the coffee going. 

Chester stirred on the couch, his nose bringing his eyes open as he smelled coffee. “Mmmm,” he mumbled before he stretched his legs, but stopped, his feet hitting the arm of the couch. He lifted his head, squinting in the morning sunlight as he looked down at himself. He was on the couch, and the memory of last night flooded him as he yawned and sat up slowly, his body stiff. _I swear I’m an old man sometimes._ He rubbed the back of his neck as he sat hunched over, his feet on the floor. He could see that Ryan was still in bed, and so he stood up to see who was making coffee. 

“It’s you,” he said with a smile as he rounded the couch and headed for the kitchen. “The smell of the coffee woke me up.” He stopped at the bar. Usually he would go over and wrap his arms around Mike, giving him a morning kiss, but he didn’t this morning. “I saw you guys last night,” he admitted as he pointed up. “You were asleep, so I left you be. I slept on the couch.” 

Mike felt the guilt hit him full force. “Yeah, sorry about that,” he apologized. He was really apologizing for the secret kiss, but he knew that Chester didn’t know that. “I guess we fell asleep while you guys were playing your game.” 

“I figured,” Chester said, dropping his eyes to the dark floor. “We kinda got carried away. Sorry we played for so long.” He looked up. “If it makes you feel any better, we’re about halfway through the game.” He sent his boyfriend a quick smile just as the coffee pot alerted that it was done. “And I’m really ready for that, but I gotta pee first.” He spun around before Mike could say anything and disappeared into the bathroom. 

Mike knew it wasn’t on purpose, but Chester’s apology managed to make him feel even worse than he already did about the whole thing. _He’s got nothing to apologize for. If he knew… if he knew how we slept last night, if he knew that I kissed Jay, he’d be devastated. I was sleeping. Nobody knows what they’re doing when they’re sleeping._ He ignored the twist in his heart as he denied having any actual feelings for Jason. _It doesn’t mean anything. None of it. It doesn’t mean anything._

He was about to turn to the coffeemaker and pour two cups of coffee when he caught sight of Jason coming down the stairs. Mike paused for a moment and let himself really look at Jason. His entire presence, the way he carried himself, was so much different than Chester. Even in his pajamas, Jason looked confident in his own skin, and Mike realized how different that was from when they were all in the YRS house together. Jason had become his own person again, and that new person held a lot of intrigue for Mike. 

Jason’s gaze turned from Ryan to Mike, and their eyes met, holding steady across the room. They both looked away at the same time, Mike’s eyes toward the bathroom, and Jason’s back to Ryan, and neither of them said a word. 

****

TBC


	11. Phenomenon

Mike poked his spoon into the bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch he was eating. Ever since Chester had gone back to work, Mike was back on his five days a week cereal for breakfast habit. Today made day six in one week. It was Saturday, which usually meant he would be making pancakes or Chester would be making bacon, but today his boyfriend was going into work and Jason told Mike not to worry about breakfast just for the two of them. Mike hadn’t thought to protest and say that before they’d all started living together, pancakes for two was the norm. Instead he’d gotten down a huge bowl and filled it to the top with cereal before he grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down next to Jason.

He glanced across the table at the uneaten piece of wheat toast on Jason’s small plate. There was a small smearing of grape jelly on the top. One hand was scrolling on his phone, the other wrapped around his coffee mug. It was a normal sight, one that Mike had grown accustomed to in the mornings before work. He usually ate his breakfast and listened to Chester and Ryan get ready for work, and he was content to stay out of the way. Some mornings Jason engaged him in financial talk, and other mornings they made jokes about the frantic way Ryan and Chester got in each other’s way. 

There wasn’t room for jealousy in an apartment so small. After his conversation with Ryan in the hallway a month ago, Mike was making a conscious effort to allow Ryan and Chester to be comfortable with each other around him. It was hard, but he was trying. Admitting that Chester needed Ryan, that he could provide a comfort that Mike couldn’t, was difficult, but he was learning to let things roll off his back that used to bother him. Small moments of comfort - a touch, a hug, a soft kiss - Mike couldn’t say anything about any of it anymore. It was obvious Chester needed those things, and more than once Mike had been guilty of providing to Jason those exact same moments of comfort. He didn’t want to spend time wondering why they had all gotten to that place, he just knew that they had. 

Chester frowned at himself in the mirror. He’d been fussing with his blonde curls for the last hour as he scooted in and out of the small bathroom around Ryan, and he still wasn’t happy with how they looked. He’d taken a shower, shampooed and conditioned, and they still looked lazy, like they had no bounce. He shoved his fingers through them with both hands. 

“Chazzy, stop driving yourself insane. You look sexy as always,” Ryan praised as he stepped into the bathroom behind him. Ryan was fresh from the shower as well, and he’d yet to decide what shirt he wanted to wear for the day. He had on his light blue jeans, complete with studded belt and black combat boots, but he hadn’t made it much further. He leaned forward, his hands going to Chester’s underwear clad hips as he rested his chin on his shoulder and smiled into the mirror as he looked at the two of them. “See? Sexy.” 

“Whatever,” Chester mumbled as he let himself rest against Ryan’s body. He’d picked out his shirt for the day, an army green t-shirt with a red beveled star on the front, but he was still only in his underwear, the jeans he wanted for the day having come up missing so far. “You know, it wouldn’t matter what I look like, you’d still call me sexy.” 

Ryan turned his head, pressing a quick kiss to Chester’s face. “You’re right, I would. It’s just the way I see you.” He kissed him again, and he grinned as Chester laughed and announced his scruffy facial hair tickled. “I love tickling you,” Ryan hummed, before he let Chester go and took a deep breath. “Now are you done in here yet? I have to do something with _my_ hair,” he whined as he picked at his dark jagged strands. He needed to comb it and get it to lay just right. 

“I guess. I need to find my jeans. It’s like they’ve disappeared!” Chester said in a huff as he turned around. He stopped for a brief second, his hand going out to rest on Ryan’s naked front as they made true eye contact that didn’t involve the mirror, before he headed out to the living space. Mike and Jason were sitting at the table having breakfast, but Chester was on a mission. He’d been walking around in his t-shirt and underwear for the last hour and he was ready to find his jeans so they could leave. It was Saturday, and they were going to be heading up the coast to Oxnard to shoot on location for a new ad. _Or as Forrest calls it, The Nard._ He chuckled at the silly name as he rounded the bed in the corner of the living room, where most of Ryan’s clothes were stashed. He shuffled through a few things, tossing shirts and pants onto the bed. “Ry!” he called, barely looking up from his search. “Do you have my jeans? The ones with the red stripes running up the legs!” He twisted around, just in time to see Ryan stepping out of the bathroom. 

“Why would I have your skinny ass jeans? I can’t fit into them, Chaz.” 

“I knoooow,” Chester whined, “but I can’t find them.” He gave up on Ryan’s stack of clothes and bolted back up the stairs to the bedroom, ready to go back through his closet and his dresser and the dirty clothes hamper, even though he would bet his life that they weren’t dirty. He knew exactly what was clean and what wasn’t at any given time when it came to his wardrobe, and his missing jeans were clean. He just needed to find them.

Mike looked up toward the loft for a brief moment, then back at Jason, who was flicking through stock prices on his phone. Coffee was almost gone, and Mike was ready to lay on the couch and be lazy for a while. Chester would be away most of the day, and it was Saturday. A completely free day meant he could take a nap, practice, and maybe paint a little. He tried to think of the last time he’d had a free day. _It’s been forever. Since before I started working with Ches._ Mike stood up with his empty cereal bowl and coffee mug and started for the sink. _I thought it would be strange with us not working together, but it’s been fine. We’re both happier. It’s different, but it’s fine._

Jason put his phone down when Mike stood up. He heard Chester hollering about his jeans and Ryan fussing over his hair, and decided he wanted to stay out of all that drama. He knew they would be dressed and out of the house soon enough, and then the day would be quiet. It was the first weekend day since they had all started their different jobs that they were not off together, and Jason wasn’t sure how that would work exactly. The loft was too intimate for he and Mike to go about their day independently. Whatever one of them did, the other would be part of it whether they wanted to be or not. If Mike napped, he would need to be quiet. If he sat at the table and worked on his computer, Mike couldn’t use the space to paint. _There’s a show downtown that looks interesting, and Mike loves art. We could make a little day trip over, maybe have some lunch. It would be less awkward than being here, trying not to be in each other’s way. We’ve never spent some time alone like that. It will be like a date, but not a date. _

The constant back and forth between Ryan and Chester was almost a normal background noise, and Jason rolled his eyes with a smile as Chester kept calling out to Ryan in exaggerated panic. He picked up his phone and made a few clicks before he stood up and waved it in Mike’s direction. “Hey, Mike?”

“Yeah?” Mike was just wiping his hands dry on the kitchen towel when Jason called his name. “What’s up?” He flipped his bangs out of his eyes with a slight shake of his head and squinted at Jason in the bright morning sunlight.

“There’s an art thing downtown I was thinking of going to this morning, it opens at ten if you want to join me.” Jason passed his phone off to Mike easily. “Take a look and tell me what you think. We can head out after they leave,” he said, waving a hand toward the open space in the apartment. “If they leave. If Chaz finds his pants.”

Mike scrolled through the page Jason had open on his phone. The show looked interesting. It was an independent artist just trying to get his name out, with an edgy style Mike found appealing. “Yeah, I’ll go,” he decided, thoughts of being lazy and staying home all day quickly gone from his head. “Oh! There’s a great sushi place a couple of blocks from this gallery I’ve wanted to try, we could totally go there afterwards. Ches hates sushi and I never get to have it anymore.” Mike turned big excited eyes Jason’s way.

“I love sushi. Okay. Let’s do it.” Jason reached out to take his phone back and smiled at the way Mike’s face lit up with a grin when he agreed to have sushi. It already seemed as though it would be a fun morning, even before he’d made Mike beam with excitement. “I guess I’ll get dressed and fight Ry for the mirror.”

“I’ll go help Ches find his jeans so they can get out of here and we can actually use the bathroom again.” Mike laughed. “It’s still insane to me that we all share one bathroom and nobody has died yet.” 

Upstairs, the missing jeans were found, and Chester quickly pulled them on, before grabbing his red belt. He laced it through the loops, buckling it tightly. “Thank God,” he whispered to himself. His closet was open, and he gave himself a last once over in the mirror hanging on the closet door. His outfit looked good, and even though he knew they’d be undressed and fitted into Score clothes for the shoot, it didn’t matter. Chester still wanted to look nice, before and after they did their work for the day. He ran a hand through his curls. _Why are they so flat this morning? Maybe Ryan’s right. Maybe I’m just imagining it._ He tweezed his fingers through them one last time before deciding to let it go. _If Forrest doesn’t like it, he’ll have the hair people fix them anyway._ He blew out a long breath before grabbing his red converse sneakers from the bottom of his closet, and sat down on the edge of the bed. He had one on and tied, just as Mike appeared at the top of the stairs. 

“Found my jeans,” Chester announced. “Just getting my shoes on and then we’ll be going.” Without missing a breath, Chester twisted toward the half wall and yelled, “Ry! I’m almost ready! Let’s go!” before he looked back at his boyfriend. “Sorry I’m going to be gone all day. You got anything planned?” 

Before Mike could answer, Ryan’s voice shouted up from the living room. “I see how it is, you’re finally ready so _now_ we have to go. You’re such a girl sometimes!” 

Chester rolled his eyes as he shouted back, “But, baby, I’m worth it!” His face was bright with mirth as he looked back at Mike. “At least the loft will be quiet all day,” he offered, just as he finished tying his shoe and stood up.

“You _are_ worth it,” Mike confirmed. “And you look super hot.” Mike reached to run his hands down both of Chester’s arms. The blonde hair was adorably cute, and Mike really didn’t miss the mohawk the way he thought he would back when it had been cut. “Jay and I were talking about maybe going downtown to an art show. Grab some sushi.”

Chester stuck his tongue out. “Gross,” he hissed. “I mean about the sushi, not the art.” He leaned in, nuzzling a kiss to Mike’s face. He lingered over his growing facial hair before he pulled back. “You guys will have fun, but please don’t bring me back any raw fish.” He wrinkled his nose before sucking in his bottom lip, playing with his piercing for a moment. “Not sure when we’ll be back. We have to go up to Oxnard, and Forrest is taking everyone to dinner after...or maybe he’s having it catered on set. I’m not sure, I just know we have to eat before we come home.” 

“Sounds interesting,” Mike commented lightly. He wasn’t exactly a fan of Chester being away all day with Ryan, but it was work, and work was important. _We have an understanding now, anyway. Things have been better lately._

“Interesting probably won’t happen. Eating with Forrest is, well, it depends on his mood. We’ll either end up with a feast, or a plate of spinach and tofu.” He smiled as he leaned in to give his boyfriend a kiss. He wanted to make it last, at least for a quiet minute as he mentally prepared to not see him for the rest of the day. 

Before he knew it, his arms were around Mike’s waist, pulling him in a little tighter before their kiss broke. “Have fun with Jay,” Chester whispered, pressing on last smooch to his boyfriend’s cheek. “I gotta go.” 

“I love you!” Mike called after he let Chester go. He watched as Chester disappeared down the steps, smiling at his lover’s answering yell before he turned to the closet to pick out some clothes for his afternoon with Jason. 

****

The hour plus drive up the coast to Oxnard wasn’t unpleasant. There were cities to pass through, and conversation was endless. Chester had stopped at the community mailbox station on the way out of the building, and as Ryan drove, he sorted through the stack of bills, advertisements, and credit card offers. Usually Mike or Jason picked up the mail, but no one had remembered to check the box last night. “People need to stop trying to give me money,” he said as he shoved the unopened envelope from _Discover_ to the bottom of the stack of mail. “Eventually I’ll give in and take it, and then that will just be debt all over again.” 

Ryan looked over and smiled. Ever since he’d known him, Chester had been responsible with his money. He’d worked hard to pay off the debt left by his father, and give money to his mother on top of that. Chester’s little red AMG sports car was one of his only splurges, and Ryan admired that about him. “I agree. New debt sucks,” he offered, keeping his eyes on the road. “Credit cards are a trap.” 

“Yeah they are,” Chester mumbled, just before he pulled a powder blue envelope from the stack. “Hey, a letter from my mom.” He flashed it Ryan’s way, the other glancing at it in acknowledgment. “I keep trying to get her to use email, and she just can’t do it,” he chuckled lightly as he opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. 

Ryan watched from the corner of his eye. “Is she doing okay in Jersey?” he asked, knowing it was a bombshell topic with Chester. His mother up and moving to the other side of the country had been a surprise to everyone, but especially to Chester. 

“Yeah,” he said, scanning over his mother’s neat cursive writing. “She says things are going well with my aunt. She says she misses me.” He dropped his hands to his lap, still holding the yellow legal pad paper his mother had written him on. 

“Chaz, of course she misses you,” Ryan offered, reaching over to quickly pat Chester’s jean-clad thigh. “And it’s good she sold the house. It finished paying off the debt and that place was falling down anyway.” 

“I know,” Chester admitted with a deep breath. “I mean, you’re right. Selling the house was the best thing she coulda’ done. It was so big and she’s getting too old for the upkeep.” He rubbed his hand over his face, leaving the open letter resting on his legs. “I just didn’t expect her to move thousands of miles away. Guess I wasn’t ready for it.” He dropped his eyes, studying his black painted nails as he absently scraped at his blue jeans. 

“It did feel kinda sudden,” Ryan sympathized before he figured it was time to change the subject. They’d already talked about mother Bennington moving so far away a dozen times, and Ryan knew that time was really what was needed. “Hey, you’re not alone, you know that, right?” 

“I know,” Chester said, looking across the car. “It’s just we’ve always lived here. Both of us, and I know, I’m being a baby about it.” He let out a grumble, his hand shoving through his blonde curls. “I’m a fuckin’ adult. It shouldn’t bother me. I just, I miss her.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Ryan assured him. He waited, letting a few minutes of silence pass between them, giving Chester the time he needed to calm down. Ryan checked his rearview mirror as he changed lanes to get around a slower moving car, and his attention went to his scruffy chin and jawline for a moment. He felt over the short, dark hairs. “I wonder why Forrest told me not to shave for the last few days.” 

Chester’s downtrodden expression instantly lifted, his eyes sparkling by the morning sunlight as he reached over and played his fingers over the side of Ryan’s face. “Obviously he’s finally agreeing with me about how sexy your scruff is.” 

Ryan turned his head, just enough to send Chester’s fingers to his lips, where he kissed them quickly before looking back at the road. “Whatever, Chazzy. It wouldn’t matter what my facial hair looked like, you’d still say it was sexy.” 

“True,” Chester agreed as he twisted in his seat, so he could face Ryan a little better. “But that doesn’t take away from it. And I’m _serious_,” he stressed. “I can’t grow a beard to save my life, but it looks smokin’ on you. Especially when it’s just scruffy.” He couldn’t help himself. He had to tickle Ryan’s jawline one more time before he put his hands in his lap, curling them over the stack of mail he’d yet to toss to the back seat. “I bet he’s going to do some close ups of you today. That’s probably why he wants you looking all masculine.” 

“Masculine,” Ryan echoed playfully. “Guess I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

“You should.” 

“I do.” 

“Well good,” Chester laughed before he looked away and out the window. Working for Score Clothing and Forrest Mullan had been such a different experience so far from YRS. Even though it was still in front of cameras, and the focus was still on physical appearance, and to a lesser degree, sex appeal, it was a safe environment. Everything was professional, and unlike at YRS, there was zero inappropriate touching or even talk between Forrest Mullan and his employees. 

Ryan pursed his lips together for a moment before he asked, “So I heard you and Mike talking about therapy the other night. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop,” he made sure to say, even though he knew Chester didn’t care. It was the second time he’d heard the topic come up between the couple, so he figured it was time to ask Chester about it again. “What does he have to say about it? Have you changed your mind about going?” 

Chester looked over as he shrugged. “I don’t think he wants me to go. I brought it up after I had that nasty-ass nightmare, and then again the other night. He…I don’t know.” He let his words trail off as he looked down at the gear shift and the knobs on the dashboard. “I told him you suggested it, so maybe that’s why he’s against it. And it’s expensive, so I know that’s another reason.” He sucked in a large whiff of the cool air inside the car. “And I’m not sure if I want to go anyway. I, I don’t wanna…I just want to be okay. Don’t I have enough problems without this, too?” 

Ryan shot Chester a quick once over. It was no secret between them that Chester had been through a lot for how young he was. YRS and the havoc Mark had brought were just pieces of the larger puzzle of Chester Bennington’s mental health issues. “You need to take care of yourself, though,” Ryan reminded him gently. “I know therapy isn’t cheap, but we’ll make it work.” 

Chester gazed out at the passing palm trees. The morning sun was up, but not blazing yet. There was a breeze outside, he could tell from the way the trees were fluttering, like someone had tickled them. “Thanks,” he offered. “But I can’t take anything else from you and Jason. I’ve already been living at his place for free for what feels like forever now.” His shoulders slumped. In some circles - circles like the kind Mike’s parents were from - his rent free lifestyle would look more like being a bum than the circumstances Chester had always considered fortunate. 

“Don’t worry about that. We can move stuff around and it won’t be a big deal, you’ll see,” Ryan said after a minute. He was pretty sure Jason wouldn’t have any problems with helping out financially, but even if he did - if he didn’t want to get involved - Ryan would make the sacrifice that was needed to make it happen. If Chester would agree to go. “You remember my mom?” 

The question caught Chester off guard, and he blinked away the surprise before he nodded. “Of course. She was a nice lady, Ry. Super sweet, just like you. I know I only met her a couple times,” he said, trying to be careful with what he was saying, “but I knew right away that she’s the reason you are the way you are…gentle and soft-hearted.” Chester watched a small appreciative grin cross Ryan’s face. “Why do you ask?” 

“Just thinking about therapy,” Ryan said with a nonchalant shrug. “I know I never told you, but my mom was in therapy for years. For as long as I can remember, actually. Clear up until she passed away.” He looked over, catching the look on Chester’s face. “It’s true. You know how my dad was, not always the nicest.” He stopped, his tone dropping with a hard swallow. “Always yelling and sometimes more than that…” He felt a sting to his heart and eyes as memories surfaced, and he tried hard to concentrate on the road. He let out a long breath just as he felt Chester’s hand on his arm. “I never met her, but I guess my mom’s mom - my grandma - wasn’t very nice to her either. That’s why she ran away and got married so young…and had me.”

“Ry, I’m sorry,” Chester whispered. Ryan’s mom had passed away a little over two years ago, and he hadn’t taken it well. Chester had been there, standing with him through the funeral and everything that went along with a parent passing away. “She didn’t deserve that. She was really awesome, and great at making those little sewing projects she did.” 

With one hand on the wheel, Ryan reached around to grab Chester’s hand. He brought it to his lips, kissing his knuckles before he let him go. “I’m so glad you got to meet her before she was taken. She, she really liked you.” He took a moment, collecting his thoughts as he tried to get back to the original reason he’d even brought his mom up. He cleared his throat and said, “But anyway, I just wanted you to know that therapy helped her. She was dealing with so much, and then being a single mom after my dad left. I’m just saying…it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Chester. It could help, and doesn’t that at least make it worth trying?” He peeked beside him, and he could already tell Chester was thinking about it. 

“I guess. I hate it sometimes, Ry.” Chester leaned to the side, his head on his hand as his elbow rested against the car door. “I hate the way my mind thinks sometimes, and the nightmares, and the feelings I can’t always control, and the memories I hate - that scare me - and worrying about messing things up with Mike, and it just goes on and on and on. It’s…exhausting.” 

“How about you just go a few times?” Ryan suggested. “And if you don’t think it’s helping or it’s not sitting right with you, then you don’t have to go back, okay? I’ll even help you look for someone. I can call my mom’s old therapist and see what she says. Maybe she can refer you to someone. You don’t have to do this alone.” 

_I don’t have to do this alone._ The offer of help - of support - sent a feeling of relief over Chester, and suddenly going to see a therapist didn’t seem so scary anymore, and along with it the element of shame dropped away. “That sounds good,” Chester decided. “Thanks, Ry. I need to do something, so I hope it helps.” 

The worry fell away from Ryan’s face and body as he smiled. Chester was finally going to get some help, and that was a good thing. It was a heavy conversation, and he could tell that it was time to change the subject as they hit the city limits of Oxnard. It was a city they’d never been in, and as GPS guided them to the on-site location, they both decided it was a nice area, and would be a cool place to live if they ever got tired of Los Angeles and all the people, traffic, drugs, crime, and homelessness that went with it. 

Before long, they pulled up to a large warehouse looking building, where they were promptly met by Forrest Mullan’s assistant. Talinda was tall, with a slender build and a latino flair that everyone loved. Her long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail as she walked up to the car, a clipboard in her hand. “Hi guys,” she waved, her pink sparkly nails, which matched her lipstick, glistened in the sun. “I’m so glad you’re here.” 

“Thanks,” Ryan and Chester said together as they met her halfway. “What is this place?” Ryan asked as he pointed to what looked like an abandoned building. 

“Don’t let the outside fool you,” she said, motioning for them to follow her. Her high heels clicked against the pavement as they walked. “It’s an artsy building. Different studio space on each floor. And that,” she said, pointing with her pen to the top left corner of the building, “is the space Forrest keeps on the side when he wants something a little more romantic.” 

Chester stopped. It was a gut reaction as the word _romantic_ was suddenly in the same sentence with his boss’ name. He pulled on Ryan’s arm, bringing him to a halt with him. “What do you mean by romantic?” he asked, his insides already starting to not feel well.

Talinda spun around, and she was surprised to see her two new models stopped in their tracks, like something she’d said had been scary. She propped her oversized sunglasses on top of her head before she took a few steps back. “Didn’t Forrest tell you?” she asked, her attention jumping from Chester to Ryan. “The shoot today, it’s not for Score. It’s for one of our affiliates. Phenomenon Cologne.” 

“Oh,” Ryan was the first to say. Not only had he’d heard of Phenomenon, but he’d even worn it a few times. “I know them. We’re doing an ad for them?” He twisted around, his face bright to see Chester grinning back at him.

“That’s right. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you,” Talinda complained with a huff as she turned to head to the building, assuming her models were following her. “That man, I swear, some days it’s like his mind isn’t with him. I see he told you not to shave at least,” she said, glancing over her shoulder at Ryan. 

“Yeah, but he didn’t tell me why,” Ryan filled in with labored breaths as he and Chester had to double their steps to keep up with Talinda’s fast pace. She was in heels and a tight pink dress suit, but she might as well have been a cheetah as she zoomed inside the building, and right to the nearby freight elevator. 

She smirked. “You two aren’t in very good shape, despite looking as sexy as you both do.” 

“We’re out of practice,” Chester offered as he leaned against the elevator wall. “We need to join a gym.” 

Ryan agreed just as the doors opened, and the three of them stepped out into a long hallway. They followed behind Talinda, who was already rambling off suggestions for the best L.A. gyms, and even the name of her personal trainer, before they got to a set of double doors. 

“We’re here,” she said, taking a moment to fix the lapels of her jacket, and tug it down into place. “Now, don’t be nervous in front of the Phenomenon reps. They’re hands off on this shoot. They’re here, and you’ll get to meet them, but we’re running everything. Mostly to avoid all the paperwork. We’re going to shoot your pictures and then sell them to Phenomenon, that keeps it all clean between you and Score,” she explained, motioning between herself and Ryan and Chester. “Are you okay with that? I can’t _believe_ Forrest didn’t go over this with you.” 

Ryan and Chester looked at each other before Ryan answered, “Of course,” for the both of them. They followed Talinda through the doors, their eyes popping and their jaws dropping at the floor to ceiling windows that stretched across the back wall, and the ocean view it revealed. 

It was like a magnet, and before Talinda could take them around to meet anyone, Chester had Ryan by the hand, dragging him across the mostly empty space, the floorboards creaking under their feet. “It’s beautiful,” he whispered once they were at the windows, looking out at the ocean and its rolling morning waves in the distance. “I didn’t realize we were this close to the water.” 

“We’re not,” Ryan answered as he pulled his attention from the blue sea to the surrounding buildings, homes, and palm trees. “We’re at least eight or ten blocks back.” 

“It feels closer,” Chester whispered, squeezing Ryan’s hand. “I love it. It’s just like at home. This is going to be an awesome shoot.” 

Before Ryan could say anything, they heard their boss calling their names. They turned, their hands pulling apart as they instantly smiled at Forrest Mullan, who looked like a million dollars. His tie was gold, his smile wide, and his thick brown hair and mustache looked like they’d both been styled by a professional. “So glad you guys are here,” he practically cheered before he slapped his hands together. “Well? Don’t hold back on me. What do you think?” He motioned around the space. 

“It’s nice,” popped out of Ryan’s mouth before he even really looked around. Chester had monopolized his attention the moment they’d stepped in to look at the view. Besides the ocean, and the large windows, there was a catered table to the far side of the long room, along with a seating area, where people were actually sitting. Ryan counted three faces he didn’t know, along with Talinda and two other Score employees. At the back was the dressing area, the fold-away milky-white dressing walls and racks of clothing giving it away. Twin mirrors hung on the exposed brick wall, and a chair for hair and make-up, the supplies sitting on a small desk nearby. 

Chester agreed a minute later, adding in how beautiful the view was. 

“It is breathtaking,” Forrest agreed before he got back to business. “Why don’t you two come with me, you can both grab a drink and I’ll introduce you to the reps from Phenomenon. I know, I know, I forgot to mention that part,” he admitted, quickly patting Ryan on the arm, since he was closest. “Talinda already gave me the third degree for it. No idea how that ever slipped my mind. But don’t worry. These gentlemen are very excited for today’s shoot. This could be the start of something big.” 

Chester went through the next few minutes in a blur. He was handed a glass of champagne, and then introduced to people in a lightning round of handshakes and head nods before he and Ryan were taken back across the room. Chester was put behind one folding wall, while Ryan was behind the other. Chester stood, waiting for directions as he watched Talinda check something on her clipboard. 

“Take everything off,” she said, before reaching over to the little golden hook on the wall. “And put these on.” She tossed the pair of red boxer briefs at Chester. 

He looked down at the single garment, his walls suddenly going up. “Just these?” He and Ryan had been shirtless in most of their ads so far, but neither of them had been down to just underwear. 

Talinda looked up at the sound of his voice. “You’re okay with that, aren’t you?” It didn’t take long for Chester’s concern to come across. “Chester, it’s going to be okay,” she assured him, holding her clipboard to her chest. “Remember, this isn’t for Score Clothing. This is for men’s cologne. We need the two of you to, you know, ham it up a little.” She tapped her pen against the corner of her clipboard as she tried to explain. “The buyers are looking for something romantic. They want to see you and Ryan and believe that you’re in love, and that Phenomenon cologne is helping with that love. With that attraction. It will be tasteful,” she stated before she stepped forward, cupping his arm. “It’s going to be sexy, and it’s going to be appealing to all your peers out there.” 

Chester gave in as he watched Talinda leave his small dressing space, and he had to assume she was off to give Ryan his costume next. He looked down at the underwear, part of him wondering if Ryan was going to be stripped down, too, and the other part of him knowing Mike wasn’t going to like this at all. 

He wasn’t sure what to do, so he took another long drink of champagne, the bubbles tickling his nose, and then he started to pull his clothes off. He folded each item, leaving everything in a neat pile, along with his wallet, phone, and his rose gold I.D. bracelet. He slipped into the boxer briefs, and he had to laugh at the two little black buttons right across the sealed flap in the front. They looked funny, and oddly noticeable as he adjusted himself. _It practically draws your eyes to my cock._

He flattened his hands over his stomach, and then his legs before he decided it was time to just do it. He stepped out from behind the folding wall. He glanced in one of the mirrors and he smiled. Despite all the skin showing, he knew he still looked good. A little skinny, maybe, but showing so much skin also showed off his tattoos. 

He didn’t look across the room at the Phenomenon reps and the Score employees or even to find Forrest Mullan. Instead he stepped up to the other folding wall. “Ry? You decent?”

“Like it matters, Chazzy,” Chester heard Ryan holler, and that was good enough. He stepped behind the wall, his mouth dropping open. 

“That’s not fair,” Chester protested as he pointed to the snug, black leather pants Ryan was just pulling on. His eyes shot right to Talinda, who had her back to Ryan, and texting on her phone. “Talinda,” Chester whined, “why does he get to wear the cool pants?” 

“They are awesome,” Ryan cut in with a grin. “But come on, Chaz, how hot do you look in those?” Instinct told him to step forward, to close the space between him and Chester. To touch the red underwear that had pulled his attention in like a tractorbeam. But he resisted, and instead he sat down on the little bench nearby to put on the stylish black shoes he’d been given - complete with red and black laces. 

“He gets shoes, too!” Chester was dying on the inside. He hadn’t been given anything but underwear, no awesome leather pants, no expensive footwear.

Talinda finally turned around, pocketing her phone. “Ryan, you look great,” she commented as she inspected him. His hair was in order, and as he stood up, she made sure the belt she’d given him was put on. She glanced from one model to the next. “Chester, just go with it,” she begged. “We have this all worked out. You’ll get to wear clothes next time. And you look good in those.” She pointed at his underwear with her pen. “Now, finish up and go out where we have the mat and lighting gear set up.” She paused, looking over their faces and hair before she decided they’d both done a good job on their own. 

The moment she was gone, Chester twisted toward Ryan. “So wrong. I want to wear these.” He slid his hand down the side of Ryan’s pants. “Fuck, they are sexy. Why don’t I own a pair of these?”

“We’ll go shopping when we get done with this. I like them, but they’re a little tight. I need a size bigger.” He tugged at the belt he’d put on and the waist of the leather pants before he noticed the worry that had scrolled over Chester’s face. “Hey, she said it was going to be tasteful.” 

Chester nodded, his arms going around his exposed belly. “I know. Mike won’t like it though.” 

“Chaz, it’s work,” Ryan encouraged. “And, you know, if we get out there and we’re not comfortable - if you’re not comfortable with something - then we’ll tell them. Forrest has been great about that. It matters what we think, and if something crosses the line, then we just won’t do it.” 

Ryan was right, and Chester knew it. Forrest Mullan took his employees’ concerns, worries, and opinions seriously. “Okay,” he agreed, and together they stepped out into the open. They headed back toward the windows. The sun was rising on the other side of the building, so the natural light was perfect. There was a giant, rectangular white mat on the floor, and Chester knew that was where they would be shooting.

Instructions came quickly as Forrest gave them the same sort of speech Talinda had. Phenomenon Cologne wanted a sexy ad that had a flair of romance to it. They wanted loving looks and tender caresses, all while the models looked sexy doing it. “Ryan, I want you lying down on your back,” Forrest instructed as he stepped onto the mat and motioned to a small area. “Right about here.” 

Ryan gave a quick glance to Chester before he walked onto the mat. This was the first time they wouldn’t be standing up to do a Score shoot. He got down, and stared up at the overhead lights for a second before he looked over to see what Chester would be doing. 

“And Chester,” Forrest said as he walked over and gracefully lead his model to the mat by the shoulder, “I want you on top of him. Sitting up. You’re smaller, Chester,” he explained quickly as they stood right beside Ryan’s long torso. “We want this to look playful, but romantic. Your red underwear, the red in Ryan’s shoelaces and the red stitching on his belt, it’s all going to pop against the pants, and that’s what we’re looking for.” 

“I guess it will,” Chester agreed quietly, and he really did. He knew from years of experience in front of the camera that colors mattered. Skin tones and facial expressions all counted. Especially in modeling. “Okay,” he decided as he went to step over Ryan, and Forrest stepped off the mat. Chester sank down, his knees on either side of Ryan’s hips. It was an odd feeling. Despite their close relationship, this was the first time they’d been in such a sexual position since they’d stopped being scene partners at YRS over a year ago. 

“Chester, scoot up just a little,” Forrest instructed as he looked between his models and his photographer. “Yeah, yeah, that looks good.” 

His camera man nodded. “They look fantastic.” 

“Alright guys, here we go,” Forrest informed them as he called for quiet. “Now, Ryan, you love Chester. He’s your world. You would do anything for him,” he started to narrate. It was the best way to get people into the right headspace that would naturally bring out the facial expressions and emotions he was looking for. It was a technique that never failed with talented models. “He’s been away, and you haven’t gotten to be with him for a long time. But now he’s here. He’s so close, and all you want to do is touch him. Devour him. You love him so much, and he smells amazing.” 

Ryan’s heart was beating quickly as he listened, as he looked up into Chester’s familiar eyes. It didn’t take long. One hand ran up Chester’s thigh, his other reached for his face, and Chester bent down to meet the caress. 

“There,” Forrest ordered as he rolled his hand, and the photographer started snapping pictures as he moved around from one angle to another. “Chester, you love him. You want him. It’s been so long, and your insides are craving him. He’s the one that makes everything right. He’s your first thought in the morning, and your last thought before you fall asleep at night. You’re clay in his hands, Chester. Let him have you.”

Ryan’s hand slid from Chester’s thigh up to his hip, and Chester was lost. He was staring right into Ryan’s light blue eyes that were endlessly deep and soft. Understanding. The same eyes that he’d seen cry, and be filled with excitement, love, support, and passion. The same eyes he’d been looking into for the last four years. One hand went to the mat, his other to Ryan’s chest as he leaned even closer, as he rocked his hips. He felt the hand on his hip go to his bottom, cupping his butt cheek, and Chester’s head went down. His lips hovered, his silver piercing only millimeters from Ryan’s parted lips. 

“There, there,” Forrest cheered quietly from the sidelines. This was going to be a quick shoot. The lighting was perfect, and his models looked amazing, and their performance was on point. “I knew they would nail this,” he whispered to Talinda. 

She nodded in agreement. “You were right. It’s not a far stretch to get them to come off as a romantic couple. They look at each other that way half the time anyway.” 

They hadn’t been told to kiss, but as Ryan squeezed Chester’s ass, as his insides zipped with the beginnings of arousal and want, Chester shut his eyes. His lips slowly met Ryan’s, in something more than a friendly kiss. His hips rocked again, and as Ryan’s long fingers splayed out over his jaw and then down to his collarbone, Chester whimpered.

“Um,” Talinda said, her eyes twice their size as she watched. Even her pulse had quickened at the sight. “Should we stop them?” 

“No,” Forrest answered immediately. “Let them go. This is going to sell Phenomenon.” He twisted around to see all three of the cologne reps on their feet, watching with great interest. “They’re perfect together,” he whispered to his assistant. “Look at them...how are they not together?” 

“I actually thought they were, until you told me Chester has a boyfriend.” Talinda watched, and she didn’t miss the natural attraction that was almost palpable. Her clipboard was at her side, her hand on her heart as she watched Chester rock gently on Ryan’s lap. As their first kiss broke, and a second one started. As their foreheads pressed together. As Chester’s hand went from Ryan’s chest to smooth over his face, over the dark scruff that looked extra sexy at the moment. 

Talinda couldn’t pull her attention from her two models, who looked like they were in another world as they kissed again. She felt heat creep up her neck and onto her face. “We need to open a window,” she whispered to her boss. “It’s really getting hot in here.”

****  
TBC


	12. Compliment and Contrast

The ride into downtown L.A. hadn’t taken nearly long enough for Mike to be able to appreciate the interior of Jason’s Jaguar. He was in awe of how the bucket seat wrapped around his body like a hug, the expensive attributes of the dash, and the way Jason handled the power of the car effortlessly. Unlike driving his Honda, he didn’t hear road noise or feel every bump and turn in the road. It was a smooth ride, complete with the radio in the background and conversation about this new artist they hoped to meet. 

Their conversation came to a halt as Jason looked for and found parking, then neatly parallel parked the car next to the questionable looking building downtown. Mike knew it was supposed to look artsy and edgy, but the surrounding area seemed a little sketchy. He looked around at the neighborhood and then over at Jason curiously. “You aren’t afraid to leave your car parked here on the street?” 

Jason pulled off his aviator style sunglasses and propped them on the dash before he looked around through the windshield. “It will be fine. It’s the arts district, after all. And it’s not a main road. I’m not worried. Even if something goes wrong, it’s insured…” He shrugged and then smiled at Mike reassuringly. “You worry too much. It’s not even your car.”

“It’s just a beautiful car,” Mike offered, leaning forward to run his hand over the dash. “I’d probably be afraid to drive it if it were mine.” He continued to admire the inside of Jason’s car, unaware that Jason was watching him.

“You’d look great behind the wheel of a car like this.” Jason watched Mike for another minute before he said, “you can drive it home if you want.” 

Mike’s hand stopped and he looked over at Jason. “I do. Want to. Driving anything other than my car is so much fun. I love driving Chester’s car. I’m sure yours is just as fun.” He sat back and looked out the passenger window again at the building where they were supposed to be seeing art together. “I’ll totally drive home after we get sushi. I might be looking forward to that more than the art.”

Jason chuckled at the thoughtful look on Mike’s face. “I know what you mean. I never get to eat it, either. Ry’s not a sushi kind of guy. Kind of like Chaz.” _It’s no wonder they hit it off immediately. They’re so much alike. Mark knew what he was doing with them. They’d never be able to sit through sushi. I don’t think sushi restaurants even keep bottles of ketchup._

“Yeah, if Ches can’t put ketchup or syrup on it, it’s a no-go.” Mike smiled at the thought of his boyfriend’s quirky eating habits. “They get each other that way. I don’t know. I sort of like tasting my food.”

“Same,” Jason said as they both got out of the car. He squinted a little at the sunlight, and thought about getting his sunglasses and putting them back on, but he didn’t want to keep up with them inside. He let Mike come around the front of the car to him, and then they started toward the exhibit together. Mike was in his standard flannel and jeans, a look Jason had grown to appreciate on him. It was his own off-beat style, and one that wasn’t too extreme, especially with how some people dressed in the city. He was dressed far more casually than Jason’s navy button-down and tan pants, and even though Jason had thrown a jacket over the top to tone it down a bit, he still looked like the curator next to Mike, who looked like the artist. He realized Mike was talking as he held the door for him to pass through.

The inside was minimalist, and even though it was almost mid-day, dark except for spotlights over each work. “I think the most interesting part of these exhibits for newer artists on the scene is getting to talk to them about their work, and why they chose the medium they did. Just changing from acrylic to watercolor, for example, changes the whole tone of a piece.” Mike stood at the entrance, looking into the exhibit and talking to the air, while Jason pulled out his wallet. He turned and caught Jason from the corner of his eye and stepped back over to the small kiosk where they were supposed to get their hand stamped after paying. “Oops, I was already looking around. Sorry about that.” He reached for his wallet, but Jason dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

“It’s fine, Mike, I got it already. Just stick out your hand so she can stamp it.” Jason flashed the back of his hand at Mike as if to prompt him into action.

Mike didn’t even protest, just extended his arm to get the stamp in the middle of his hand. He was excited to get walking, and see what kind of interesting techniques and supplies were used. Usually when he painted he worked in acrylics, but art was just a hobby. _If I’d ever gotten serious about it, I might be comfortable with other things, but it’s just for fun. But maybe I’ll see something I’d like to try._ He looked impatiently at Jason, who had picked up a brochure for the exhibit and was trying to read it in the dim lighting. “You ready? You don’t need that, there’s little cards next to each painting to tell you about it. And they’ll be lit so you can actually read them.”

Jason shook his head as he folded the brochure and stuck it in his pocket. “What if I decide I want to buy something? Is there a little card to tell me how to do that?” He watched Mike’s face for a second, amused at the furrow of confusion between his eyebrows. “Exactly. You have to have the brochure for that. Not my first art show, Mikey.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know we were looking to buy, but I’m not surprised. I remember Ches telling me that you were into art, that you’d picked out a lot of the pieces at… work.” He paused before he said work, deciding not to talk about YRS aloud where other people might hear them. Even if people didn’t know what YRS stood for, he didn’t want to take the chance. “You know we don’t have room for anything right now, you know. The loft is packed tight. Too tight.”

“You never know what can happen,” Jason said, patting his pocket. “I might not even like this artist. In which case, this simply becomes a souvenir of a good time we had.” 

Mike looked away. _A souvenir. A reminder of us hanging out together? That’s an odd thing to say. He’s just being funny. I can’t let him bring anything home. Ches would freak. There’s nowhere to put anything. Unless he took down something of mine. Would he do that?_ Mike’s shoulders dropped a little. _It is his place. Maybe he hates everything on the walls. It would be his right to take it down. God, Ches and I need to move. Jason probably just wants his space back. _ Mike stopped in front of the first painting and tried to get his runaway thoughts under control.

“Do you keep a box of souvenirs under your bed?” Mike tried to tease as they moved along the line of paintings.

There was a soft snort from Jason. “There’s no room for that kind of stuff right now,” he said. “I think all that’s under our bed right now is shoes.” _And a computer bag with relics from my marriage, but let’s not talk about that, Mikey. Let’s not talk about how Mark thought you and I had chemistry. Let’s not talk about how he never seemed to be wrong about things like that._ Jason pretended to put his full attention on the painting closest to him, hoping that was the end of the ‘what’s under Jason’s bed’ conversation. 

“I don’t know how you two are managing,” Mike said honestly. “I can’t imagine the chaos that would ensue if Chester didn’t have a closet. When I moved in with him, he almost had a meltdown over the closet space.” He stopped in front of a painting that caught his eye.

“It’s not fun.” Jason stepped up beside him, his hand casually going to Mike’s back. “Tell me about this one,” he murmured, gazing at the slashes of color on the canvas. “Tell me what you see.” He let his hand drop but he stayed close so they could hear each other without interrupting the others in the exhibit.

“It’s dark. Angry. The artist is in turmoil and doesn’t know how to fix what’s wrong. It’s out of his control,” Mike narrated automatically, without thinking. The painting actually made the hair on his neck stand up a little. “It’s creepy,” he concluded, ready to move on. He felt Jason’s hand rest on the small of his back again, guiding him away.

“It wouldn’t look right in our place,” Jason added. They walked together to the next display. “I don’t think you have to worry about me bringing anything home from here. It’s not really our style.”

Mike couldn’t tell if Jason was being deliberately vague, or it he was reading too much into his consistent use of the word “our.” Every time he said it Mike’s skin felt tingly. “Definitely not right for the loft,” he said, walking along slowly with Jason so close. 

They made their way through the exhibit that way, Jason’s hand guiding Mike here and there, sometimes on his elbow, sometimes on his back, always light as though moving were a suggestion and not a demand. Mike stopped a few times, and Jason stayed close, sharing thoughts about the paintings and the artist intimately in the dusky light. Nothing struck Jason as something he had to have, but that was the way of it with new artists. Sometimes he was smitten, others indifferent, but he always appreciated the time and effort it took for someone to get their work shown on this level.

“This was a lot darker than I thought it would be,” Jason commented as he held the door for Mike, exiting the hall into the bright L.A. sunshine. “But it was still interesting. It’s a lot different from your beach scenes and abstracts.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t really my style. But I thought those paper mache collages with the acrylic over them looked like something I might try. Texturally it was interesting. I liked that little bit of 3-D thing he had going. It’s really too bad we didn’t get to meet him. I would have liked to learn more about how he did those.” Mike flipped his sunglasses down from where they had been resting on his head as they walked to Jason’s car. It appeared to be unharmed. “Guess you were right, everything looks fine.” The sleek black paint was shining in the sun, the dark tinted windows still in tact and hiding the interior.

Jason opened the passenger door and squinted at Mike. “You riding or driving?”

Mike hesitated for a second before he decided, “riding. I’ll drive home from sushi.” He knew if he drove now, it would be a short drive, and he wanted more time to really feel the Jaguar’s performance and handling. He saw Jason give a quick nod, and he held the door for Mike as he climbed in. _He’s been holding doors and paying for stuff like this is a date. Which it’s not. I’ll pay for lunch, then we’re even. It doesn’t mean anything._ Mike tried not to watch the way Jason’s body molded into the driver’s seat, his long fingers on the gear shift, the way the air conditioner blew his hair just a little in the front. _He looks so much better with that haircut than the longer hair he had at YRS. Younger. Happier. That’s probably just because circumstances are different. We’re all better off with Mark out of the picture._

Just as Mike thought, the ride to sushi was quick, and before he’d stopped assessing Jason’s hair and relaxed demeanor, they were parking again and headed inside. Neither of them had been to this particular restaurant before, and Mike hadn’t expected it to be so upscale. “Oh. This is not what I had in mind for lunch,” he said, looking around at the inside of the restaurant. Along the far wall of windows overlooking the city were intimate tables for two, white cloths and elegant table settings included. He looked down at his attire, which really wasn’t suitable for a restaurant of this caliber.

Jason didn’t even blink at the interior. “It’s more than I expected, too, but like you said, it’s got a great reputation. Besides, how often do we get to have sushi?” Without thinking, Jason’s hand went right back to the small of Mike’s back, his fingers feathering gently over the open flannel shirt. He leaned close to Mike’s ear and whispered, “just button up your shirt, and it will be fine. They won’t say anything, I promise.” He pulled back so Mike could fix his shirt, and shrugged off his jacket, folding it neatly across his arm as the hostess approached.

As Mike was patting down the front of his shirt, Jason was smoothly asking for a table for two. _At least he’s dressed for this. She didn’t even make a face at him,_ Mike thought as he followed along behind the young Asian girl who was seating them. They were led to a table in the back corner, and Mike chose the seat against the wall where he could hide his jeans under the table cloth. It instantly made him feel better when they sat down and the hostess handed them menus before wishing them a pleasant meal.

“See?” Jason teased gently, “she didn’t kick us out, even with your ripped jeans.” He caught the flush on Mike’s cheeks and smiled as the thought of how adorable Mike Shinoda looked blushing caught him off-guard.

“My ripped jeans are safely hidden under the table,” Mike pointed out with a bit of sass in his voice. “I swear, I didn’t know it was going to be an upscale place.” He glanced down at his menu, the prices telling him what he already knew just from looking around - this wasn’t going to be a casual lunch.

The wine menu was already in Jason’s hand and he skimmed over the list, quickly deciding what he wanted. “Might as well make the most of it, now that we’re here. I’ve picked out a wine, do you want a bottle or should I just get a glass?” More than a small part of him hoped that Mike would offer to split the bottle with him, but he’d never seen the younger man drink much.

Mike’s bottom lip was between his teeth while he thought it over. “A bottle seems like too much for lunch. I’ll drink a glass, but if I’m driving home, any more than that wouldn’t be a good idea. If you’re having a glass, I’ll have one, too.” He debated over which sushi he wanted before he looked up to catch Jason’s dark eyes watching him. “You okay?”

Jason didn’t say what he was really thinking. He knew their friendship was skating the line of what was appropriate and what wasn’t, and he also knew that telling Mike how beautiful his eyes looked right then would be a mistake. “Yeah. Just thinking how strange it is to not be explaining everything on the menu. When I take Ry out to places like this, there’s a lot of back and forth about what he might like. We tried sushi once, and that was it for him.” 

They shared a knowing smile as Mike nodded his head in total agreement. “They’re both so funny, aren’t they?” He didn’t even have to mention Chester’s name. The longer the four of them spent in the loft together, the more apparent it was, at least to them, that opposites had attracted in both relationships. Neither of them had ever voiced it aloud, but they were slowly becoming aware of both the differences between themselves and their partners, and the similarities between Ryan and Chester. 

Jason didn’t point out how Mike ordered the same dish he was thinking of getting, and instead changed his mind at the last minute to something else. _It’s not just Ryan and Chester. We’re alike, too. I’ve seen it for a while, but it’s becoming more obvious. I wonder if he sees it, too. I wonder if he ever puts me in Chester’s place when he’s thinking about going out… I don’t do it on purpose, but it happens. There are just some things I enjoy that Ry doesn’t. And Mike does._ He thought about what that implied while he studied the way Mike picked up his wine glass and looked down into it before swirling it a bit and inhaling. _Look at him. Hardly a drinker, but you’d never know it. He knows how to taste wine._

He let Mike take a sip before he asked, “well? Does it meet your approval?” It suddenly seemed like a critical question, one whose answer mattered more than it should.

“It’s good. I’m sure it will pair great with the sushi. You seem to really know your way around wine,” Mike complimented as he set his glass down gently. He ran his fingers up the stem and back down before he looked up at Jason. “This is nice. It reminds me of being in Seattle, at the Italian restaurant. You were so knowledgeable.” He mentally kicked himself for sounding so ridiculous, but Jason only smiled.

“What you’ve seen only scratches the surface,” Jason said. He sat back as their waitress sat down two entrees, and he looked between his plate and Mike’s, wondering if it would be odd to ask to swap one of his mango lobster rolls for one of Mike’s spicy salmon rolls. He spread his napkin in his lap and reached for his wine again. “It looks amazing.” He stopped for a moment, appreciating the anticipation on Mike’s face. “I almost ordered the salmon roll, but then you did, and I thought, maybe I could talk you into letting me have a taste.” Jason didn’t mean for his words to come out with a flirty flip to them, but they did.

Mike already had a piece of his salmon roll in his hand, ready to test it out. “You know if I let you taste mine, you have to let me taste yours.” He quirked an eyebrow at Jason, not really thinking that anything would come of his teasing line. 

Jason surprised them both when he moved his glass out of the way and leaned forward, a little closer to the roll in Mike’s hand. “I’ll tell you if it’s good. Let me try it,” he coaxed, and like a magnet, Mike’s hand reached across the table to Jason’s lips, offering the bite of rice and fish without another word. Neither of them said anything as Jason ate the salmon roll straight from Mike’s hand, as if doing so were a perfectly normal occurrence.

“Well?” Mike asked, his voice a little huskier than he intended. He tried to clear his throat subtly, and ended up hiding behind his wine glass while Jason swallowed.

“It’s good,” Jason answered. A small part of him couldn’t believe Mike had just fed him sushi in a downtown L.A. restaurant. He looked down at his plate to hide his smile. “And now, it’s your turn,” he murmured, scooping up a bite of his lobster roll between two fingers and waiting to see if Mike would take it from him or not. There was just a second’s hesitation before Mike leaned forward and took the bite from Jason’s hand, and a bit of satisfaction rolled through him. 

“I wouldn’t have thought of mango and lobster together,” Mike finally said, “but it’s good.” He looked at Jason’s plate, and then scooted his own toward the center of the table. “You know, we could just split them both. If you want.” He looked across the table, at the way Jason was still leaning toward him, a smile around his eyes. It was mesmerizing.

“Perfect,” Jason decided, pushing his plate to the center of the table as well. “I think they compliment each other nicely.” 

****

Ryan pulled the car to a stop in the parking lot, he and Chester both silent as they looked up at the wall of windows belonging to their building. The Oxnard shoot had gone well - more than well according to Forrest Mullan - but it had left both Ryan and Chester in deeper thoughts over the limits they had crossed. “Are we going to tell them?” Chester asked, his fingers gripping at his jeans as he kept his eyes straight ahead. 

He didn’t need to say more. Ryan knew exactly what he was talking about. “I’m not sure. I mean, in fairness, we don’t know which picture Phenomenon will want to use.” The moment the words were out of his mouth, Ryan’s eyes dropped to the steering wheel. Their time in front of the camera hadn’t stopped with the impromptu kiss. There had been several poses - one with Chester sitting up, and Ryan propped up on his elbows, the two of them grinning at each other. At one point they were side by side, lying down, their hands on each others chests as they laughed, as they leaned in close. Too close. There had even been one with Ryan’s hands at his sides, while Chester sat on his lap, his back arched, both his hands on Ryan’s bare shoulders. But the kiss, they both knew, had been something more than work. 

“I guess that’s true,” Chester agreed as his mind clicked back through each shot they’d gotten to see after it was all done. “But if we don’t tell them and they see the ad and it’s the one of us...kissing,” he stopped, his eyes ducking for a moment. “I know Mike won’t understand,” he added. 

Ryan slid one finger down the steering wheel. “We really kinda got into it, didn’t we? I don’t remember Forrest telling us to kiss. I was looking up at you, and you were so close.” 

“I know,” Chester whispered before he finally unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face Ryan, his knee folding onto the seat. “I’m not sure what happened. I mean, it’s you,” Chester stated. 

In that moment, Ryan looked over, catching the sparkle in Chester’s caramel colored eyes from the dusk that was falling outside. “I know what you mean,” he admitted with a swallow. “It always feels natural when it happens like that. I guess because we worked together for so long at YRS?” 

Chester nodded. “That could be it. I like kissing you, but you know that already.” He looked down at his hands, his thoughts suddenly veering back to Mike, who was just inside the building. “But I think maybe it was too much today. Like, I was turned on.” 

“I was too,” Ryan told him right after, the two of them looking up and making eye contact. “And I agree. It was too much.” He waited, glancing out the front window again. “I think we should tell them about Phenomenon and what we were wearing...but maybe leave the kiss out. If that pic doesn’t get used, I’d hate to hurt their feelings. Well, Mike’s feelings. Jay doesn’t care.” 

“He cares,” was Chester’s gut reaction to say, but the look on Ryan’s face made Chester’s reassuring countenance drop. “Come on, Ry, you know he cares. It’s just that he’s been around you and I before. For years, and we were doing way more than kissing back then.” He offered a shrug, hoping to downplay Ryan’s concern. Truth was, Chester wasn’t sure how Jason felt. He was hard to read sometimes, and always had been. _Before I thought it was because he was one of the bosses. But he’s not now, and I still can’t tell much._

“Probably,” Ryan half-heartedly agreed. “Anyway, it’s not worth a fight between you and Mike for something that he might never see and we just admitted it went too far.” He gestured between the two of them. “So we won’t let that happen again, and everything’s fine.” 

“Right. Okay, I can go with that.” 

Ryan unbuckled his seatbelt so he could maneuver a little more freely. He reached for Chester’s hand. “I’m sorry, Chaz.” He looked down, watching as he ran his thumb over Chester’s knuckles. “I don’t ever want to be the reason Mike gets upset with you.” 

“He’s been doing better lately,” Chester mumbled. “So maybe this won’t be a big deal after all.” He stayed quiet, letting the moment run its course as he enjoyed Ryan’s soft touch before they both decided it was time to go inside. 

Chester unlocked the door to the loft, and stepped in first. He immediately heard Mike playing a slow sonata on his keyboard. The music was somber, like Mike was deep in thought as he pressed the keys in turn. Chester didn’t even look behind him to make sure Ryan had come in. He headed straight for his boyfriend, dropping his keys on the bar, and then he headed for the small space under the floating staircase, where Mike’s keyboard and music stuff had been shoved after Ryan and Jason had taken over the downstairs. Chester stepped up behind him, wrapping his arms around Mike’s middle, cradling his white t-shirt as he pressed the sides of their faces together. “Sexy Boy, I missed you today.” 

Mike leaned his head into Chester’s, a sense of relief hitting him suddenly. “Hey, Ches. I missed you, too. How was work?” He didn’t stop playing as Chester’s fingers stroked over his shirt. 

Chester froze. The question coming much faster than he figured. He stood himself up straight, and glanced over his shoulder at Ryan, who was headed across the loft toward the bed in the corner, where Jason was. “It was good,” Chester stated, his hand coming up to skim across Mike’s shoulder blades. “It was different. We actually wanted to tell you guys about it.” 

Jason needed a bookmark. He looked around, spying the brochure from the art show, and reached for it, sliding it into place and setting the book he’d been trying to concentrate on to the side. It was hard to keep his mind on the subject with Mike practicing in the corner under the stairs. He’d been distracted the entire time, his eyes flipping from the book to Mike’s back that he could see from his place in the bed. He left the book on the blanket and stood up, meeting Ryan before he climbed on to the bed. “Long day. Did you have dinner like you thought?”

Mike stopped playing and turned around as Chester straightened up a bit. “Different? How different can clothes modeling get?” 

Chester waited for a second, taking a step back so there would be some space between him and his boyfriend. Across the room, he heard Ryan say they’d gone to dinner with Forrest Mullan and crew, as planned, but now it was time to give more detail. “Actually, we did something very different today. Our shoot wasn’t for Score, it was for Phenomenon Cologne.” 

“Oh. That’s cool.” Mike stood up and closed the space Chester had opened up between them. “I think, anyway. So you guys shot pictures for someone else? How does that work? I thought you said you guys were with Forrest today.” He glanced over Chester’s shoulder at Jason and Ryan quickly, then focused on Chester’s face as he waited for an answer to why his boyfriend looked so serious. 

“We were,” Chester said, as he took another step back,and then he headed toward the bed, Mike following him. “We shot with Forrest, and then he’s going to sell the pictures to Phenomenon, if they want to buy any of them. If they do, that’s a really big deal.” 

Ryan was quick to agree. “Their reps were there, watching the whole time, and then Forrest took us and the crew to dinner,” he filled in for Mike’s benefit. “But...the pictures were a little different from the other ones we’ve done.” He looked at Chester, the two of them nodding in unison. 

“Different how?” Mike asked, his eyes narrowing a little. It was the second time the word _different_ had been used to describe the day, and he was ready for one of them to just spill it already. “It’s a cologne ad, how much different can that be from clothes?” 

Jason looked between Ryan and Chester. He didn’t miss how they’d looked at each other, as though they needed reassurance to keep going. “What happened?” he asked flatly. There was no reason to try to sugar coat whatever was bothering the two of them about the shoot. He looked behind him, making sure he didn’t sit on his book as he sat down on the edge of the bed. The corner of the exhibit brochure peeked out at him, and the thought of how he’d led Mike around passed through his mind fleetingly. _But there was nothing wrong with that. We didn’t cross any lines, there’s no need to tell them about that. Whatever they’re about to say, they look guilty._

Ryan swatted his hand through the air. “Nothing bad,” he made sure to say. “They just had us, well, they wanted it to be sexy and romantic, you know, to sell the cologne. We just wanted to let you both know ahead of time.” 

“I was in underwear,” Chester offered when it seemed like Ryan wasn’t actually going to get to the point. He stiffened a little as he kept eye contact with Mike. “Ry had on pants, but, but I just had underwear.” 

“It was for contrast,” Ryan tried to add in helpfully. “My black leather pants against his red underwear.” 

Chester twisted to glare at Ryan, but only for half a second. This wasn’t what they’d agreed on. They wanted to be truthful with their lovers, but saying too much right now would just lead to more questions, and Chester wasn’t good at handling things like that. 

Jason was stunned for a moment. The last thing he thought he had to worry about with Ryan modeling was a situation like this. _It’s not like he was naked. He had on some clothes. Even if Chaz was just in underwear, it’s still clothing. Not for a clothing ad, but still._ He opened his mouth to ask what the scene had been like, but Mike beat him to the punch.

“Sexy and romantic, huh?” Mike shot Ryan’s words at Chester, his hand flipping up in the air. “Sexy and romantic and half naked? Mostly naked? Red underwear? I thought those days were behind you, Ches.” 

The air went out of the room as Chester’s mouth dropped open. “What do you mean? It was tasteful,” he promised, “and it was for work.” 

“I’ve heard that before,” Mike snipped, jealousy and a little bit of guilt over his own afternoon with Jason coming to the front of his feelings. “I thought we were done with all of this,” he motioned between Ryan and Chester, “and clothing seemed harmless. It’s not so harmless when one or both of you isn’t wearing anything.” He knew he was being a little unfair. Neither of them had been completely without clothes, but the idea of Chester in his underwear for a “sexy and romantic” shoot - even if it was in front of cameras - wasn’t sitting well with him. 

Chester wasn’t sure what to say, and he was relieved when Ryan spoke up. “Mike, it’s not what you guys are thinking. The pictures are a little...sensual, but it was for cologne.” He looked frantically at Chester, who was on the verge of freaking out. “I mean, not sensual,” Ryan tried to correct, his hand going out in front of him. “But, different.” 

“Different.” Mike spat out the word like it was poison. “It’s never different with the two of you.” 

Jason had heard enough. He stood up, but instead of going to Ryan, he went straight to Mike, his hand going right out to Mike’s forearm. “I think you’re overreacting,” he said, trying to get Mike to look at him instead of the death glare he was shooting at Ryan. “It _is_ different. It’s not porn. It’s a magazine ad, and they had on clothes. Not many, but enough. You’re making it something it’s not.” 

It wasn’t the first time Mike had heard Jason’s denial of what he was so certain was something between Chester and Ryan that shouldn’t be there. “Am I? It seems like they find ways to put themselves in these situations, and it’s always for _work._” He brushed off Jason’s hand and turned away from the others, all three of them looking at him like he was being an ass. 

Mike waited for Chester to do what he’d always done, come up behind him and offer a tentative touch, then a hug and maybe a nuzzle to his ear while he apologized. Mike needed that familiar moment that signaled the end of whatever they were fighting about, but as he stood facing the steps, the silent seconds ticked by. Nobody said anything, and after what he felt like was enough time for Chester to see what he was talking about, to admit that Mike was right and not overreacting like Jason said, he realized that Chester wasn’t going to make the first move. _Well, I’m not wrong. They don’t know where to draw the line, and if I don’t make a point now that this bothers me, then they’ll keep doing it. And who knows how bad the next shoot will be._ He didn’t think about the moments he’d shared with Jason in the restaurant, or how he’d driven the Jaguar home and the way he’d caught Jason smiling at him while they talked about their day. He didn’t think about anything other than Ryan being close to his boyfriend while they were away from his watchful eyes as he deliberately stalked toward the stairs. He wasn’t going to wait for Chester to apologize in front of Ryan and Jason. He could come upstairs when he was ready, where they could talk with more privacy. 

_That’s always the excuse. Work. That was his excuse at YRS, and he’s still using it now. Nothing has changed since we left from there. If anything, Ches and Ryan are closer._ Mike sat down on the bed and closed his eyes. _And there’s more and more things we aren’t agreeing on these days. I’m trying to respect what he needs, but what about what I need? Don’t I matter? If their relationship bothers me, shouldn’t that be enough for him to change, not pawn it all off as work? _

Chester watched Mike sulk up the stairs, before he turned away. He slumped onto the couch, his attention on the underside of the bed, which was just a few feet in front of him. He could see the line of Ryan’s shoes, each pair neatly stuck together. “Maybe I’ll just sleep down here with you guys tonight,” he mumbled. The thought to go upstairs and give Mike some sort of apology was there, but it wasn’t strong enough to make him get up. Instead, he pulled his legs up onto the couch, lying down on his side, his head resting on his arm. 

Ryan walked over and sat down, his hand going to Chester’s leg. “He’ll cool off,” he tried to comfort. He wasn’t sure how their confession about the shoot had turned into Mike accusing them of going back to how things were at YRS. 

“Better not touch me, Ry,” Chester said with a sniff, “or Mike might think we’re down here fucking.” He shut his eyes, blacking out the world. The day had been long, and that was finally catching up to Chester the longer he laid on the couch. Every bit of energy he had was quickly draining away. He wasn’t going to leave the couch. He would kick off his shoes, take off his belt, and maybe his jeans, and then he’d try and sleep. He would roll toward the back of the couch, and bury his head into the cushions. He would stay quiet so Ryan and Jason could do their nightly routine. _And tomorrow we’ll talk it out. I thought he was getting to a point of understanding, but I don’t think he really does._

Chester opened his eyes as he felt Ryan stand up. He watched him step away from the couch and over to the bed to get the spare blanket folded at the end. Chester didn’t sit up, but let his friend cover him up. “Thanks,” he whispered, before his attention slowly drifted up to the silent loft space. “Maybe one of these days he’ll stop looking at me like I’m a whore.” 

Jason watched Ryan take care of Chester, and followed his gaze up to the loft. He didn’t ask, but started toward the stairs with the idea to get Chester’s pillow for him. It didn’t look like Chester was going anywhere, and Jason wanted to make sure Mike was okay. Ryan had things under control with Chester. They didn’t even seem to notice he was going upstairs.

Mike was sitting on the side of the bed, his fingers digging into the black and red blanket. Jason glanced around the bedroom quickly. There was a ridiculous amount of stuff in the room, all due to the fact that the four of them were trying to cram everything into the small loft. “Hey,” he said quietly, hoping Mike would look his way as he stepped around the side of the bed.

“What?” Mike asked bitterly. “I’m not overreacting. If you came up here to tell me to go back down, I’m not going to.” He was staring at the floor, trying to calm down. “You’re always defending them. I don’t know how you don’t see it.” _Jay’s in denial, and they’re never going to stop. It’s how Chester is. How he’s always been. He can tell me the sex meant nothing, but I’ll never get him away from Ryan. There’s a bond there._

Jason stopped, one hand going to his hip. “You _are_ overreacting. It’s just an ad, Mike. Work. That’s all it’s ever been.” He thought about saying more, but he knew Mike wasn’t in a place where he was going to listen. Instead he leaned over and picked up Chester’s pillow, causing Mike to look up in surprise. “Maybe you guys just need some space. I think Chaz is going to stay downstairs for a while. I just came up to grab his pillow.”

There was a little pinch to Mike’s heart. He didn’t sleep well without Chester, and he’d been sure when he heard footsteps on the stairs it would be his boyfriend coming to apologize, to reassure him that nothing had happened between him and Ryan that afternoon. But Chester wasn’t coming, and Jason was taking his pillow. For a moment, he felt like maybe he’d been too harsh. His insecurity was a powerful thing, and so was his pride. “Fine,” he said, as if he didn’t care. “If he wants to sleep on the couch, I can’t stop him.”

“You’re right. You don’t control him.” Jason felt the words come out his mouth, and he knew they were crossing a line, but it was too late to take them back. _This isn’t my battle to fight. I told Ryan to stay out of their relationship, and here I am putting my opinion out there._ “We’ll be downstairs, if you decide to join us.” He thought putting the invitation out there would take the sting out of his accusation, but Mike didn’t budge. Jason waited another minute, then carried the pillow back downstairs.

“Here, Chaz,” Jason offered, holding the pillow out for Chester to take. “I brought you your pillow.” He waited until Chester took it silently, then decided he was going to take a shower. It had been a long day, and now the loft was filled with tension. Ryan would be preoccupied worrying about Chester for the rest of the night, which would leave Jason reading in bed. He turned to grab pajamas, his eyes going straight to Ryan, who was holding the book he’d been reading. The art show brochure was peeking out of the top, and Jason held his breath, but Ryan only glanced at it before he set it to the side and pulled back the blankets to settle in for the night. 

****  
TBC


	13. In Front of the Camera

The sound of the shower was background noise as Mike sat at the dining table, his back to the bar as the natural light from the windows shined on his workspace. He was shading a pathway leading into trees and disappearing in the distance. It was a sketch he’d drawn many times in his life, one that seemed to come out whenever he was wishing he could disappear. The idea of walking down that lonely path and getting lost behind the trees was appealing. He constantly bit at his bottom lip while he detailed the vanishing point in the picture. 

Chester and Ryan were at work, another Saturday that they were all spending apart in the course of just a month. _Ever since that cologne shoot, things have been off. Well, they were off before that. But it’s been worse. He never came and apologized. We just sort of ignored it, but the feelings haven’t gone away. I still don’t like how things are with Ryan. And Ches and Jay still don’t think anything is wrong with it._

Mike glanced briefly in the direction of the bathroom. They hadn’t talked when Jason came in from Brad’s smelling like sage. The corners of Mike’s lips tipped up in a brief smile. He couldn’t wait to hear what crazy stories Brad had shared while he and Jason were supposed to be talking business. Jason hadn’t been away as long as Mike thought he would be, and then he’d come in with the strong smell of sage surrounding him. _Brad probably called him over to cleanse his aura. His darkness._ Mike rolled his eyes, but then his small smile dropped. _Maybe I need him to cleanse my aura. Maybe he could do something to make things right between me and Ches._

His phone chimed, and Mike reached for it without looking. It was his email notification, and usually those were cancelled lessons or something to do with Red Pelican Music. Just as he’d thought, the email was from his boss. Mike sat his pencil down and scrolled through the email. It was a request for a headshot of Mike to go along with his biography on the studio website. He looked through the instructions and put his phone to the side. _I’ll deal with that later. Maybe Ches can help me get a decent picture on my phone._

Mike’s shoulders curled in a little as he thought of his boyfriend. He didn’t want to admit it, but things between them weren’t the way he wanted them to be. Strained wasn’t the right word, but more like cordial. And Mike wasn’t looking for cordial. He missed the easiness that used to define his relationship with Chester. It almost seemed like they were tiptoeing around each other at this point, especially when it came to work, or Ryan, or the therapy Chester had started almost a month ago. 

_Therapy._ Mike blew out a long breath as his pencil moved over to darken the shadows under his willow trees. _I know he needs it. I know it’s important, and maybe it’s helping. I don’t want him to have nightmares. I don’t know how to fix those. It’s just so expensive. We’re working ourselves like crazy to make it happen, and there’s still not enough left over to save. Nothing to help us get our own place, which I know would help. A little distance between Ches and Ryan couldn’t be a bad thing. Distance between me and Jay, too. There’s nothing left for me to start school, either. And then there’s those pills. Ever since he’s been taking those anti-depressants, it’s like he doesn’t even want me to touch him. I know he said that’s just a side effect, and it won’t be forever, but it feels like forever. I’m trying to be good. I know this is important right now. It’s important for us that he’s better. Eventually we’ll move out, when he’s better. I want him to be better. I want us to be better._

Mike glanced up and his eyes fell on the _Save the Date_ card he’d pulled from the mail that day. His old roommate Anna was engaged, and they’d set a date a year from now for the wedding. The card showed three engagement pictures, and Mike had examined them closely before he got out his sketchbook. _She looks happy. I can’t believe she’s getting married before me. She hasn’t even been dating this guy that long. Less than I’ve been with Ches._

He pulled the card closer to look at it again. _I thought this would be us. I thought YRS would be finished and gone from our lives and we’d be the ones getting married. After I suffered through that place for him, everything I gave up, I didn’t think we’d be so distant now. That’s all I wanted. The respectable relationship, and a college degree… and here we are._

For a few more self-deprecating moments, Mike thought about the things he’d always wanted his life to be, and how he’d ever accomplish any of that with Chester. _I’m part of the problem, though. I know I’m jealous. I know I’m possessive. I know I’ve hurt him. I’ve been better, though, and I don’t know if he sees it. Maybe he can work it out in therapy, if we can fix the things that are broken between us, then maybe it will be fine. I don’t want to lose him._ Breaking up was something he’d thought of only when Chester was distant, or they’d been arguing, and never too seriously, but it was happening more and more. _I have to see it through. Support him emotionally and try to help financially until he’s through this therapy. There has to be an end to that, right?_

Jason stepped out of the shower, toweling off quickly as he stood in front of the vanity. He couldn’t see himself in the fogged mirror, but he couldn‘t open the door to let the fresh air in with Mike just outside. _He was so concentrated when I got home. I wonder what he’s working on. He’s been keeping more to himself lately. Maybe I should ask him out to dinner while Ry and Ches are working. It would be good to get him out of the house. They didn’t know when they’d be home… and I’d have a chance to talk with Mike about how he’s been. Ever since that fight over the cologne ad, he’s been different. We haven’t even seen that ad yet. Those reps might not even use it._ Jason wrapped his towel around his waist. His hair was a mess, but he didn’t care. He could step in and fix it if Mike took him up on his offer to go out.

Jason opened up the bathroom door, the cooler air hitting him in the face instantly. His eyes went right to Mike, in a white t-shirt and gray and black plaid pajama pants, sitting at the table drawing. His hair was ruffled, like he’d been messing with it without noticing, and Jason felt a fondness crawl over him. Mike looked so young and innocent sitting at the table in his pajamas. _I guess he really didn’t have anything to do today. I should have offered to take him with me to see Brad. I bet Brad could have made him some muffins or something. That would have made him smile._

He walked over to the table in his towel and stood next to Mike, watching him draw for a few seconds. He tilted his head and looked over the scene, the pathway into the darkness and the heavy drooping trees. “Hey,” he said quietly, even though he was sure Mike knew he was there.

Mike could smell Jason’s soap, the scent that was a different kind of clean from Chester’s peach body wash. He resisted the urge to breathe in deeply. “Hey,” he said back, his voice low and distracted. “How’s Brad?”

“He’s Brad. Always has critical things on his mind. I went over with other news, but as soon as my tea was gone, he read my tea leaves and, well, you know how that goes.”

Mike finally looked up with interest. “Oh yeah? What did he see?” 

Jason walked over to the corner of the loft, where his and Ryan’s bed and their clothes were. He bent over to pick out some underwear and jeans while he kept talking to Mike. “It was about me being in love. He’s always so vague with that stuff. I still haven’t told him about Ryan, though I don’t think he’d be surprised.” 

Mike tried not to watch, knowing what was coming next, but his eyes kept leaving his sketch and landing on Jason’s naked back. He saw the towel hit the floor, and curiosity made his eyes skim up the back of Jason’s legs and land on his bare ass for the few seconds it was uncovered. He felt his cheeks blush a little as Jason stepped into his basic black underwear and turned around, and Mike dropped his eyes quickly. “I can’t believe you haven’t told him yet. It’s been months now.” His hand moved automatically over the paper, but he really wasn’t adding anything more to his picture. 

_I always catch him looking,_ Jason thought with amusement. “It just hasn’t seemed like the right time yet.” He shrugged. “Anyway, Brad said ‘under the number three, an old love will guide me to fulfill a plan already in motion.’ Or something along those lines. Not sure exactly, because it didn’t make much sense.” He stepped into his jeans and ran a hand through his damp hair. “I’ve learned he’s usually right. I stopped questioning it years ago. Even if it doesn’t make sense now, it will. I guess it could be something about me and Ry… he’s an old love, right? I don’t know.” Jason cocked his head to the side and pondered Brad’s words some more. “If it _is_ about Ryan, the whole number three thing will probably be something obvious I’ll be thinking - how did I miss that?” 

Mike set his sketch aside and stood up, stretching his arms over his head. “_If_ it happens, it will be something silly, like you’re standing next to a street sign with a three on it when you two tell Brad about your relationship.”

“You don’t understand how his visions work. You sound a little skeptical over there.” Jason reached for his maroon collared shirt and tugged it down, smoothing it over the top of his jeans. 

“Well, when you’re as vague as he is, eventually you’ll get something right. Not that I don’t like Brad, I do,” he went on hastily, even though Jason didn’t look mad. “I know he’s your cousin and all. And I miss his cooking.” Mike looked toward the kitchen, where dinner wasn’t even started. He didn’t even know when Chester would be home. 

It was an opportunity, and Jason took it. “Why don’t we go out for dinner? I mean, I know you’ll have to get dressed, but who knows when they’ll be home. We could go have Chinese, and bring them some back. I bet Chaz is tired after today and probably doesn’t want to cook.” 

Mike picked up his phone to look at the time, and suddenly remembered the email from Chelsea about the headshots. “Yeah, we can go out. But first, maybe you can do something for me?” He waved his phone in Jason’s direction. “Can you take a quick picture of me for the studio website? My boss wants headshots of all of us, and I’m supposed to get it in today.”

As soon as Mike uttered the word _headshot_ he had Jason’s full attention. It had been a while since he’d had the opportunity to use his camera. In fact, it had been packed away since he’d left the house in the hills and moved into the loft. “I’m not taking any pictures on your phone, Mike,” he stated seriously. “If you want a headshot, I’m going to do it right. I’ve got my camera, hang on.” He went back over to his corner of the room and started digging around. 

Within minutes he’d pulled out his camera bag, holding it out triumphantly. “See? I’ll take the best headshot you’ve ever had,” he added, unzipping pockets and pulling out equipment. “The lighting in here is good, over by your painting. Come over here. It will make a great backdrop.”

“Oh, okay.” Mike followed Jason over to the painting, patting over his hair. “Wait a second, I don’t think I’ve even combed my hair today,” he complained, about to detour over to the bathroom.

“It’s fine,” Jason said, blocking his path as he reached out and swiped Mike’s bangs back from his eyes. “There. You look perfect. Like a sexy, moody artist.” The moment the word sexy fell from his lips Jason wished he could stuff it back in, but it was too late.

“Sexy?” Mike echoed. “I’m not supposed to look sexy, this isn’t YRS promos, it’s for work.” He grinned anyway as he moved into place behind the twirl of Jason’s finger, pointing him in the right direction. “Here?”

“Turn a little to the left, so the natural light hits your eyes,” Jason instructed, looking at Mike through the camera screen as he clicked a few pictures. The thought that Mike’s dark eyes were truly beautiful in the lighting struck him suddenly, and he looked up to see the smile still on Mike’s face. “You know, the last time I shot pictures of you, you were naked,” he added, lifting his eyebrow and watching the adorable blush spread over Mike’s cheeks, along with an almost shy grin. 

“Don’t remind me.” Mike rolled his eyes as thoughts of promo days came back. “I think pictures were harder to do than the porn. They just felt silly.” He heard the click on Jason’s camera. “The worst was when you had me naked at the piano. I felt like I was defiling classical music.”

Jason couldn’t help but laugh at Mike’s serious tone. “I’ll make it up to you. Go sit at your keyboard and we’ll have a re-do.” Mike paused and looked at Jason, who immediately said, “_with_ your clothes on, Mikey. I don’t mean an actual re-do. A _tasteful_ one.” 

The word tasteful registered in Mike’s memory. “Tasteful. Like Ches and Ryan’s half naked cologne shoot?” He sat down at the keyboard and gave Jason another smile. “I can be tasteful. Tell me where you want me next.”

There was a slight pause, and Jason’s photography mind took over. “On the stairs. It’s tasteful _and_ artsy.” There were a few more snaps before Jason was satisfied. “I’m sure one of these will be great for your professional website.” He’d taken way more pictures than were necessary, but he couldn’t help himself. He really missed still camera work and the finesse that went into lighting and positioning, and getting just the right picture. “Now, Chinese. You need to go put on a decent shirt,” he added, motioning to Mike’s white t-shirt. “Or at least a flannel.” He was about to scroll back through his pictures and see which one he liked best.

“You know, just for that, I’m going to find something else, just to mix things up.” Mike stood up and before Jason could say anything else, pulled off his shirt and balled it up in his hand.

_CLICK!_

Jason stood at the bottom of the stairs, grinning up at the scandalized look on Mike’s face. “Seriously, Jay?! You can’t do that!” Mike’s voice was raised in mock outrage. “Give me that camera. Delete it!”

“Oh, no way!” Jason called back, turning his back to Mike as he bounded down the steps. “This one is going in my photo album!” 

Mike caught up with him, leaning over Jason’s shoulder. “Come on, let me see,” he begged, reaching one arm around Jason’s side toward the camera. “You can’t keep that, it’s not fair.”

Jason turned his head, where Mike’s face was so close to him, and his amusement fell away at the troubled look on Mike’s face. “Oh, here,” he said, handing the camera over, feeling bad for upsetting Mike. He’d just gotten Mike into a better headspace from where he’d started, frowning over the sketch at the dining table. “It’s not even that great of a picture,” he lied.

Quickly, Mike held up the camera, pointing it right at Jason. “Ha, your turn,” Mike exclaimed gleefully, giggling at the surprised look on Jason’s face. “Now you can see what it feels like to be bossed around. Get ready for my superior photography skills.”

With his arms crossed, Jason leaned back against the table. “Superior, huh? You’ve had all this photography training I don’t know about?” He smirked as he watched Mike try to handle the camera and all its fancy buttons. “You better not drop my camera,” he warned, his face getting serious for a second. 

“I’m not going to drop it,” Mike mumbled, managing to snap a few shots. “Alright, over here on the couch. Get over there,” he ordered.

Jason’s stomach made a flip at the unexpected sound of Mike telling him what to do. “Right here?” he asked innocently, dropping down on the cushion and crossing his legs. “Tell me, Mr. Shinoda, is this what you want?” He smiled up at Mike effortlessly. It was all a game, and Mike was playing along.

“Hmmm,” Mike said, looking away from the camera screen and directly at Jason. “I don’t think you’re quite _sexy_ enough. I think I’m gonna need you to work a little bit harder at that. I don’t see how you can possibly think that pose is sexy enough for what we’re going for.” They were role-playing, making fun of what Jason used to have all the boys do at YRS, and trying to make light of what Mike imagined Chester and Ryan did all day. He felt a moment of guilt. That modeling job was paying the bills right now, and Mike knew he should be grateful. _If only it wasn’t with Ryan… it would be different. But they spend so much time together. Time I’m not part of anymore. I wish we had time to just act silly and have fun. Everything is so serious now._

He cleared his throat, his mood dropping a little, though he was determined to keep up the charade. “On the bed, Jay. Give me your best sexy stare.” He got the camera ready as Jason followed his directions, their roles reversed. “On your back, now, yeah, just… like… that…” His voice had dropped to something different as he issued directions. Commands. He heard the raspiness that had taken over as Jason stretched his arms behind his head and tilted his chin down a little.

“Damn, Mike, I haven’t heard your voice like that in a long time,” Jason whispered, almost to himself.

Mike had just clicked another shot, but Jason’s comment stopped everything. “What? What do you mean?” He looked up from the camera, the entire game forgotten. A self-conscious feeling was taking hold as he tried to process what Jason was talking about. He knew his tone had come across demanding, and a little sexier than he’d meant for it to be. 

It didn’t feel like the kind of conversation Jason wanted to have lying down on the bed. He mentally chastised himself for even mentioning it out loud, and it was his turn to blush a little at the thought of listening to Mike issue orders and commands to Chester upstairs. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.” He tried to back track, to erase what he’d done to ruin the carefree mood they’d been in just seconds ago.

“You _listen_ to us?” Mike asked, his words small. “Like, actually pay attention? Not just, you can accidentally hear us?” He didn’t know if he should be shocked or embarrassed or both. It was no secret that both couples had heard the other on occasion, but Jason’s words sounded like an admission of something more.

Jason stood up from the bed, taking his camera from Mike’s hands and walked it around the couch to set it on the table. He needed to put a little space between himself and Mike. “You aren’t exactly quiet in bed, Mike,” he started carefully. “It’s not a big deal. Just a consequence of a tight living space.” He kept his eyes averted, but he could hear Mike’s breathing in the quiet loft.

“Right.” Mike crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly feeling completely vulnerable without his shirt on. He didn’t even know where he’d dropped it. He looked around, and spotted it at the foot of the stairs. “But you said, I haven’t sounded like that in a long time. So, it’s not just accidental. And yeah, things are different now.” He didn’t know why they were talking about this, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from running now that he’d started, words from his earlier thoughts flooding out. “I’m trying to be better. To give Ches what he needs. When he actually wants it,” he finished, his voice trailing off a little. It didn’t matter if he admitted that there had been a decline in intimacy since he’d accidentally hurt Chester weeks ago. He didn’t want to say out loud that he thought that was the main reason they weren’t having sex any more, not the meds. It made him sound like a monster, like he couldn’t help himself from hurting his boyfriend. He didn’t need to give any excuses. The loft was small. It was easy to know who was having sex, and who wasn’t.

Jason watched Mike’s whole mood change, and he wished he could take the words back. They’d been having fun, and he’d ruined it with a poorly timed confession. “It’s none of my business, Mike. I’m sorry I brought it up. Really, I… I spoke without thinking.”

Mike scooped up his t-shirt and looked back over his shoulder at Jason. “You don’t have to worry about us getting loud anymore. We’re taking a break from that stuff. The collar, all that.” He passed his free hand over his face and sighed. “It’s been different, that’s for sure. Then there’s his pills, it’s got everything all screwed up. I don’t even know if I’m doing the right things. I don’t feel like I’m helping him most of the time. It’s like Ryan knows how to make him smile, or calm him down after the nightmares, and I’m just… nobody.” Mike looked away for a moment, swallowing down his emotions before he went on, “but it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s what he needs, and I want to give him what he needs,” Mike emphasized earnestly.

“Of course you do,” Jason soothed gently, nodding along. “You’re doing a good job, you know? The therapy, and all of that. You’re being supportive, we’re all being supportive, and that’s important.”

“Right,” Mike said again, looking down at his bare feet. Not only did he need another shirt, he needed jeans and shoes, too. Chinese food was calling his name. He didn’t want to talk about his and Chester’s sex life anymore. “Well, I’m going to go get dressed,” he said awkwardly, motioning to the upstairs bedroom.

“You know, you’re doing the right thing,” Jason offered as Mike started to turn away, and he watched Mike turn back around and shake his head. “I know it’s probably hard. You guys were like me and Ry, always going at it.” He dropped his eyes to the floor as he admitted he knew a lot about Mike and Chester’s sex life. 

Mike scratched the side of his face and looked around. “It’s been awful. I feel like it’s my fault, even though I know it’s not. It’s the drugs, and all the fucking nightmares, and everything that I can’t change.” He zeroed in on Jason’s face. “I can’t do anything but wait, and be patient, and hope that he’s going to start feeling better. I know therapy was supposed to make things better, but right now it feels like things have only gotten worse.”

They looked at each other for a moment. “It _will_ get better,” Jason said quietly. “It’s good for him. It will end up being a good thing for you guys.”

“I hope so,” Mike said, waving off any other words from Jason. He just wanted to get dressed now and get out of the loft. Anything to get his mind off how unsatisfying things were between him and Chester sexually at the moment. “I’m ready to go eat. I’m gonna change, and let’s get out of here. I’ve been here all day, I need a change of scenery.” Without waiting for Jason’s response, he took off upstairs. _I just need things to get better. Fast._

Jason sat down on the couch, and watched Mike as he disappeared into the loft. _Way to ruin a good thing,_ he thought, pressing his lips together. _I’ll have to make it up to him at dinner._

****

Ryan opened the front door so Chester could go in first. “What are we doing for dinner?” he asked, following in behind. He glanced at his watch. It was just after six, which meant everyone should be ready to eat. 

“I don’t know,” Chester answered, his words drifting out as he surveyed the apartment. The television was off, the windows were closed, and there was no sign of Jason or Mike. “I don’t think anyone’s here.” Chester was already pulling his phone from the pocket of his tight black jeans as he headed for the stairs. He had no missed calls or texts from Mike. He headed up to the bedroom, and he stopped at the top. The bed was made, the closet doors closed, the bedside lamps turned off. Everything was just as they’d left it that morning. “They’re not here!” he called as he trotted back down the stairs. “Mike didn’t text me or anything.” 

Ryan’s phone was on the bar, and he picked it up just to shake his head. “Me either.” His fingers zoomed over the digital keys as he sent a quick text to Jason. “I’m asking now,” he said to the air, before he clicked his home screen to black, and put his phone back on the bar. His eyes went right to Jason’s expensive Canon EOS 5D camera sitting on the kitchen table. “That’s odd,” he mumbled as he walked over and picked it up. 

“What?” Chester asked as he crossed the room. 

“Jay left his camera out. This is the good one. The one he always used for promo pics at YRS.” He turned it over in his hand, studying the weight and the familiar buttons and lens. “He never leaves it out.” 

Chester was right next to him, looking down at the camera he faintly recognized. “Wonder why he had it out?” 

Ryan looked toward the bed in the corner, the Canon carrying case was there, along with a few of its accessories. “He misses it,” Ryan said, gesturing the camera toward Chester. “Taking pictures. He used to be really into it. Remember? You guys even gave him a photo album for his birthday.” 

Chester nodded, the far away memory of Jason’s surprise birthday party Ryan had organized at the loft, and the high end, leather bound album he and Mike had gifted to him coming to mind. “I do. Maybe he was taking some pictures around here.” He glanced at the stacks of boxes, and the furniture smashed into every nook and cranny. He scratched his head. “Although I’m not sure why.” 

Ryan chuckled. “I know. It’s awful in here. I miss the way it used to be. Just down to the bare minimum.” He swiped his hand out in front of him, like he was wishing all the clutter to be gone. 

“I know. God, I know. I mean, I like you guys being here, but it really is too small.” Chester waited for a moment, his attention going back to the camera. “It’s kinda ironic, isn’t it?” 

“What is?” 

“That Jason misses taking pictures, and we get our pictures taken for a living now.” 

Ryan looked over, his eyebrows coming together for a moment. “That is something. Huh. It’s weird how things work out sometimes.” He watched as Chester nodded in agreement. “Hey, Chazzy, you should let me take your picture. Jason showed me how once.” 

“No, come on,” Chester dismissed, shoving Ryan on the arm playfully. “He won’t like you touching that.” 

“He won’t care,” Ryan stated. “He knows I’m careful with his stuff.” He turned the camera over to see the viewing window, and the dozen or so buttons on the back. “Just need to remember how to -” He stopped as the viewing window lit up with the last picture taken. Ryan squinted as he held the camera a little closer. “This one’s of Jay...and it’s really bad.” He held the camera between him and Chester, pointing at the very blurry picture of Jason leaning against the kitchen table, his arms crossed over his maroon colored shirt. 

“That is bad,” Chester said, his voice dropping to right above a whisper. “But who took it then? Mike?” He looked around, even though he already knew his boyfriend wasn’t there. 

“I guess,” Ryan answered with a small shrug. “But why would he be taking pictures of Jason on Jason’s camera?” The thought baffled him a little. _Jay’s so picky with his equipment. Even when he let me take a few pictures, he stood right beside me, worrying over it like I was going to drop it. I know it’s expensive, but I was being careful. If Mike took this picture, he would have been standing a few feet away._ The corners of his lips turned down, and he couldn’t help himself. He hit the swivel knob to get to the next to the last picture - another shot of Jay, this one a little clearer. His boyfriend was on the couch, his legs crossed as he smiled. 

“Okay,” Chester said as he watched Ryan flip through four more random pictures of Jason, including one of him on the bed, stretched out with his arms behind his head and an intrigued look on his face. If the picture hadn’t been on the blurry side, it almost would have been sexy. 

“Oh,” Ryan gasped as they came to the next picture, this one fully in focus, with brilliant lighting and backshadow. Mike was three quarters up the staircase, shirtless. 

Chester’s eyes doubled in size. He stared down at Mike’s bare chest, his white t-shirt in one hand as he looked at the camera in amusement. “What, what’s he doing?” Chester whispered. “Mike hates taking his shirt off. He barely does it in front of me, let alone for...this.” He waved at the viewing screen, his insides suddenly sinking. _I have my shirt off in front of the camera all the time. But that’s for work. I guess we all go shirtless around here though. All of us BUT Mike. What were they doing?_

Ryan shook his head. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. He hesitated for a second, debating if he wanted to look further. These were Jason’s private pictures, and really none of his business. But he tabbed to the next one anyway. It was another shot of Mike on the stairs, only this time he was sitting down in a more relaxed position, his gray and black plaid pajama pants on display, and his shirt was on. His grin toward the camera looked and felt genuine. 

Ryan glanced over at Chester, who was staring anxiously at the camera. “That one looks normal.” 

“It does,” Chester agreed softly. “Keep going.” He swallowed hard, his mind wanting to conjure up reasons why Mike would have had his shirt off in front of Jason - in front of the camera. _I know it’s been rough the past few weeks and he’s upset over the ads, and my meds have been screwing things up in the bedroom for us, but...is he trying to get back at me?_ Chester’s shoulders slumped along with his thoughts. He leaned a little closer to Ryan as he waited to see what else was going to be on Jason’s camera.

Ryan flipped to the next picture, and then the next, both were more pictures on the stairs, with different facial expressions and emotions shining through. “Mhm,” Ryan mumbled just before he got to the next one. Mike was sitting at his keyboard, his dark hair pushed from his face, curling around his ear. His fingers were on the keys, like he was playing, his face lit up with a smile. The one after it was in front of one of his art pieces - the large one of the beach he’d painted for Chester while he was on location in Hawaii for YRS. Mike’s expressions in front of the camera went from all business to playful, as Ryan flipped through three more pictures of him standing right in front of the acrylic offering. 

The next picture was of the pool at YRS, and Ryan lowered the camera. “That’s it,” he announced, before he carefully set it back on the table where he’d found it. 

“Why would they be taking pictures like that?” Chester asked, even though he knew Ryan had no idea, just like him. “Mike with his shirt off and Jay on the bed? Or, any of them.” He dropped his eyes to the table. “They looked like they were having fun...but Mike doesn’t like that kind of fun.”

Ryan reached over and rubbed his hand across Chester’s back. “They did look like they were having fun. I’m sure that’s all it was. Jay probably wanted to take some pictures and he talked Mike into doing some poses.” 

“I guess,” Chester agreed before he decided to let it go. He had no room to say anything about any of the shots, especially since his ads with Ryan were often times what Mike liked to call _racy_. Chester sat down at the table, just as Ryan’s phone dinged. 

“They’re out getting Chinese,” he offered, waving his phone in the air from over by the bar. “I’m going to tell them to get our usual.” 

“Chinese. God, yes,” Chester practically moaned. “And I want two egg rolls, with lots of sweet and sour sauce.” 

“Already on it,” Ryan said as he stared at his phone, texting Jason back. Food was what he needed - what Chester needed - and Chinese was perfect. They all loved it, and already he could taste the Teriyaki chicken and fried rice he’d be getting very shortly. 

Chester sat back in his chair, his mood suddenly lifted, and his appetite had shown up with it. _We haven’t had Chinese food in a while. I’m actually really hungry for it._ He rubbed his flat stomach. _I want to go put on pajamas and get comfortable. I hope it’s going to be a quiet night. Mike’s obviously in a good mood._ He looked at Jason’s camera before he went to stand up, but then he stopped as he caught sight of Mike’s sketch book from the corner of his eye. He pulled the open tablet over in front of him as he sat back down. _I know this picture...the pathway and the droopy trees. This is the one he draws when he’s thinking. When he’s mulling things over. He made it so dark this time...so much more shading than I remember him doing before. Usually he’s kinda down when he’s in this zone...but he was smiling in all the pictures._

The two items on the table didn’t seem to make sense - Mike’s dark, methodical sketch, and all the goofy pictures on Jason’s camera. _Maybe Jay cheered him up. Damn. That’s more than I’ve been able to do these past few weeks._ He let out a long sigh before he stood up. “Ry, I’m going to change into pjs.” 

“Yup,” Ryan called. He was leaned over the bar, texting a kissing face to Jason to say thank you for bringing them back food. He hit send before he looked across the apartment. He watched Chester go upstairs, and disappear before he headed over to the bed in the corner. Food was coming, and he could agree with Chester. Pajamas sounded nice. 

By the time they were both dressed for the night and in the kitchen mixing up martinis, Jason and Mike showed up with takeout containers. “I’m making watermelon vodka martinis, do you guys want some?” Chester called over his shoulder to be polite. He was pretty sure Mike would turn them down, but he didn’t know about Jason. Ryan was right next to him, sitting the watermelon and lime juice on the counter. 

Mike sat the bag he was carrying on the table. “No thanks, we had wine with dinner. You want one, Jay?”

Jason shook his head. “I’m good. I think I drank most of the bottle.”

“Whatever!” Mike shook his head. “I drank my share. Anyway,” he said, walking around the bar to get to Chester, “I’m glad you’re home. Long day, huh?” He reached out and took Chester by the hips, leaving a soft kiss on his neck the way he’d done hundreds of times. 

Chester stopped what he was doing. It wasn’t like Mike to drink, but especially wine out at a restaurant. “Yeah, long and boring,” he stated, turning his head. “So you already ate?” 

Mike took a half step back. “Yeah. We ate at the restaurant.” It was redundant, but he said it anyway. They had obviously eaten at the restaurant, he just said they’d had wine. “I hope that’s okay. We didn’t know when you were going to be home.”

Jason caught Mike’s glance from across the kitchen. “We were just about to order for you guys when Ry texted.” He’d already gotten his welcome home kiss from his boyfriend, who was now digging through the bag of food and setting out the little containers. 

Chester turned around so he could see Mike. “Of course that’s fine. I’m glad you guys went. I wasn’t up for cooking, and Chinese food is always a good choice.” He could already smell his egg rolls and the kung pao beef that Ryan had pulled from the bag. “How about you,” he asked before he turned sideways to finish their drinks but still talk to Mike. “How was your day?” 

“I fell back asleep after you left. For once. So I slept in, had some cereal for lunch and drew for awhile. Then Jay got back from seeing Brad, and we decided to go get Chinese for dinner.” Mike conveniently skipped over all the details of the impromptu photo shoot, and he felt guilty for it as soon as Jason looked at him. _All it would do is lead to more questions, and then Ches would want to see them, and I’m not even sure if they’re any good. So leaving that part out isn’t a big deal. It’s not the same as how he doesn’t tell me stuff._

Chester’s attention flipped over to Jason. “You saw Brad? How’s he doing? Did you tell him we said ‘hi’?” He finished off the martinis, before walking both pink drinks over to the table, setting one down for Ryan and one for himself. 

“Yeah, I did. He’s good. I think he’s finally found a restaurant he feels at home in. One where they don’t think his rituals are weird.” Jason smiled at the thought of Brad’s quirky behaviors in a commercial kitchen. “He asked if everyone was eating enough, and said to assure you that he’s kept everyone in mind.”

“We miss him and his cooking. And we all probably eat way too much,” Ryan offered. He wanted to say more. He wanted to ask if Jason had mentioned him specifically to Brad, if he’d finally let his cousin-in-law know about their relationship, but he didn’t. If Jason had said anything, he would have mentioned it by now. _So I guess not this time. Maybe next time he sees him._

“Everyone misses Brad’s cooking,” Chester stated as he watched Jason and Mike move over to the table and sit down across from each other. “We’re kind of on our own at work for food now.” He grabbed the chopsticks from the counter, and followed Ryan to the table. He handed one set off before he sat down next to Mike. 

“I miss his muffins. And waffles.” Mike’s thoughts were far away with Brad’s breakfast offerings. “Oh, and breakfast burritos. I’d love to have one of those right now.”

“Right now?” Jason asked. “You just said you were stuffed full of orange chicken.”

“I can always eat Brad’s breakfast burritos,” Mike said. “They really were the best.” He watched Chester get his chopsticks ready and start eating like it had been days since he’d had food. 

“You have such an endless stomach,” Chester stated like it was fact written in a book somewhere. He leaned forward, just enough to smile Mike’s way before he dug into his food. There was still steam coming of his kung pao beef, but he was ready to eat it all. 

“This is so good,” Ryan praised, swallowing a piece of teriyaki chicken, the sauce seared into the meat. “Chazzy, you gotta try a bite of this.” He grabbed another chunk of chicken, bits of fried rice stuck to it, before he reached it across the table with his chopsticks. 

“Mmmm, I’ll take it,” Chester agreed without thought. He got up out of his chair, just by an inch or two to lean forward to take the bite right off of Ryan’s chopsticks. It was sticky and sweet and Chester licked his lips before taking a drink. 

“It’s good, right?” Ryan asked, even though he knew the answer. He was already digging in for more as Chester nodded in approval. 

Mike watched the whole thing, his mouth dropping open just a little as he was about to protest. It felt like Ryan feeding Chester was just one thing too far - until he remembered that he’d thoughtlessly done the exact same thing in the sushi restaurant when they’d gone to the art show. Not only had he allowed food to come from Jason, he’d also given his own in return… with his fingers and not chopsticks.

“Do you know why it’s so important for Chinese chefs to have excellent knife skills?” Jason asked quickly when he saw Mike ready to say something about Ryan feeding Chester in front of them. 

Ryan stopped mid-chew. He wasn’t sure if Jason was being serious, or if it was a joke. Was he supposed to guess the punchline? He swallowed his bite, and he flashed a look to Chester, who didn’t even seem to be listening. “No,” Ryan answered. “Why do Chinese chefs have to have excellent knife skills?” 

“They spend a lot of time working on their knife skills to perfect their cuts. Everything is supposed to be the same size so that it cooks uniformly, and is bite-sized to be picked up with chopsticks.” Jason sat back in his chair and looked at Ryan after his Chinese cuisine lesson. 

“Um, okay.” Ryan looked down at his food. He wasn’t going to measure his meat, but they all pretty much looked the same. He picked another bite up. “If you say so, Jay.” He popped it into his mouth, and washed it down with a gulp of watermelon martini. 

“That’s interesting,” Mike said, his attention shifting from Ryan and Chester to Jason. “I think I read somewhere that Chinese chefs spend years working on their knife skills. And that students can be kicked out of culinary school for not having their cuts uniform in size.” 

“See?” Jason waved his hand in Mike’s direction. “There’s all kinds of interesting things about Chinese tradition and food and culture.”

Ryan had his half-full martini glass in hand as he looked between Jason and Mike, concentrating with his eyes narrowed. “But…” he started slowly, his finger waving back and forth, “aren’t you guys, like, Japanese?” 

“Only half,” Chester chimed in, before he looked at Mike. “Right, Sexy Boy?” 

“Right. On my dad’s side,” Mike affirmed, his gaze shifting back to his boyfriend. “But it’s the same in Japan. Knife skills are very important.” There was a lull in the conversation as Chester and Ryan kept eating, sharing a quick glance that seemed to read ‘I don’t care about knife skills.’ “Well… I’m going to go take a shower,” Mike decided, standing up and scooting his chair in. He leaned over and dropped a quick kiss on the top of Chester’s head. 

“Okay,” Chester offered, leaning his head back just a little, feeling the presence of Mike behind him, before he went back to eating. He partially watched Mike cross the room, and the way he climbed the stairs. _He had his shirt off right there. I should ask him...maybe._ Before he could think much further, Ryan called his name, and his attention was back at the table. 

“I don’t think I can watch you guys eat another bite. I’m so full it hurts,” Jason commented, turning his nose away from the smells of Chinese food that weren’t really bothering him until now. “I need out of these jeans.” He didn’t even look to see if Ryan was okay with him leaving the table, but stood up and made his way over to the corner, where his pajamas were folded on the bed. 

“Want another drink after this?” Ryan asked, gently nudging Chester’s leg under the table with his foot.

Chester looked up, nudging Ryan back. “No, I think I’m good with one. Need to be careful you know.” 

“Oh, right,” Ryan whispered. He slipped his shoes off under the table, his socked foot now doing the work as he _fought_ with Chester’s leg. “So going to get you,” he giggled with a smirk, while trying to eat his chicken. 

“Your ornery ass is just asking for it,” Chester laughed, his shoes gone next as he playfully grabbed one of Ryan’s feet with both of his. “Ha! Got ya’!” He was halfway down in his seat, but he now had Ryan’s bigger foot held captive. 

Mike heard Chester’s laugh clearly upstairs, and instantly wondered what he was suddenly so cheery about. With his pajamas in his hand, he peeked over the half wall to see what Ryan was doing that had his boyfriend so happy. It was just Chester and Ryan at the table, across from each other, and from his vantage point he couldn’t see anything that fit with the words “got ya.” _What happened to Jay? He was right there with them._ Mike’s eyes moved automatically toward the corner bed and the sight of Jason with his shirt already off hit him unexpectedly. 

He didn’t step back from the wall. Instead he watched Jason from the side as he stepped out of his jeans and bent over, picking them up from the floor and folding them. Mike was completely distracted while Jason moved his jeans to a pile of clothes and balled up his shirt, tossing it in a hamper at the foot of the bed. It was obvious Jason thought he was afforded some degree of privacy by having his back to Ryan and Chester as he reached down, adjusting himself through the black underwear Mike had watched him put on earlier. He knew watching Jason this way was forbidden, but he couldn’t help the little rush of arousal he felt when he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing, and especially when it involved Jason. It seemed to be happening more and more lately. 

Mike watched, the sound of Ryan and Chester’s conversation only background noise, until Jason stepped into his pajama pants and made a move to climb onto the bed. He stepped back quickly to avoid being seen, his heart rate a little elevated. He needed to take a shower, and then maybe Chester would be ready for bed. Maybe he’d be in the mood tonight. Mike was definitely in a mood.

He took his pajamas and started down the stairs. Even though he tried, he failed to keep his eyes away from Jason, who was stretched out on the bed, his book in hand. Their eyes connected as Jason pulled out his bookmark, which was still the brochure from the art show he and Mike attended. They shared a smile as Mike carried his clothes to the bathroom. 

It didn’t take long for Ryan and Chester to polish off their food. They dumped their takeout containers, and put their empty martini glasses in the dishwasher before they called it a night. “No work tomorrow,” Ryan offered as he and Chester walked toward the bed in the corner. “We can actually sleep in tomorrow.” He looked at Chester, before shifting his gaze and attention to Jason. “And I’m going to enjoy it,” he teased heading to his side of the bed, and laying down dramatically. His head was already on the pillow, and his eyes were closed as he slid one arm over Jason’s stomach. “Night, Chaz!” he half mumbled, before scooting closer to his boyfriend. “I could pass out right here.”

Chester hollered a ‘good night’ back with a smirk before he headed up the stairs. He was already yawning when he got to the top. He looked around; the bed was still made, and only one beside lamp was on. He walked over to his side and turned on the other one before he unbuckled his belt and slipped out of his coal black jeans. His belt went into the closet, his jeans into the dirty clothes, and Chester pulled back the blankets, getting into bed with his purple underwear and striped t-shirt still on. He shut his eyes as he waited for Mike, listening to the mumbled conversation that drifted up from downstairs. _Maybe Mike will want to watch a movie or we could turn on some low music. That would be nice._ The thought of snuggling up and enjoying the evening in bed was a nice one. 

When Mike left the bathroom from his rushed shower, Ryan was half on top of Jason and they were consumed with each other, kissing and touching already happening. He went directly for the stairs with one thing on his mind. He was ready to have Chester the same way. It seemed like it had been forever since they had been intimate - a week, at most. _Or maybe it’s been two. I can’t even remember. That means it’s been way too long._ It didn’t even matter to him who did what, he just wanted to be close. He wanted Chester to want him the way that he wanted Chester. He would take that in whatever form it came in tonight.

Chester was already in bed, which wasn’t a surprise. They spent a lot of their time in bed now that the loft was shared. Mike was eager to join him, and try to get a little something going, until he saw Chester’s striped shirt. It was still on his body, and that wasn’t a good sign. He stifled a sigh. _He used to make fun of me for sleeping in pajamas, and look at him now. Always wearing a shirt and underwear. Sometimes pajama bottoms. It’s like he’s wearing a giant stop sign._

“Hey,” he said softly as he crossed the room and got into bed. He snuggled up next to Chester’s side and played his fingers over his lover’s stomach. “I missed you today. It’s been a long week. I hate when you work on Saturday.”

“Me too,” Chester agreed, turning his head and his body just a little. His eyes were closed as he enjoyed the warmth between them. “Today was so boring. All we did was paperwork and sit in meetings.” 

“Sorry. I know you hate that,” Mike murmured. He dared to take his fingers up under Chester’s shirt. The little bit of skin he was touching was soft and warm, and he tried not to get too excited. He hadn’t been told no yet. 

Chester felt Mike’s fingers slide over his belly, and he reached over to return the affectionate touch. He rubbed Mike’s bicep, his hand crossing from skin onto his boyfriend’s short sleeve, and then back again. “It makes for a long day.” He paused for a few seconds before he asked, “So when Ryan and I came in earlier, while you and Jay were gone to get food, we saw the pictures that were on his camera.” He heard the change in Mike’s breathing, but he went on. “What were you guys doing? Just goofing around? We weren’t trying to snoop,” he made sure to say. “We saw them kind of by accident.” 

Mike tried not to react. What he and Jason had been doing wasn’t _wrong._ They’d just been messing around. _But we were making fun of the modeling. We shouldn’t have been doing that. I hope Jay doesn’t say anything to Ryan about that. Ches would be upset._ “I asked Jason to help me get a good headshot for the studio website. Chelsea emailed and said they were updating things and wanted pictures of all the private lesson teachers. And Jay is good at photography, so I asked for his help.” He snuggled his face in closer to Chester’s neck and kissed the uncovered skin between his shoulder and his ear. 

“That’s neat, I guess,” Chester offered. “And Jason is good at taking pictures. I liked the one of you on the stairs.” He pulled back just a little, a shave of a shift to stop Mike’s lips. “But I guess if you just need your face, the ones by your painting are really good, too.” 

“Yeah, I was thinking that one, too.” Mike didn’t say anything else. He didn’t know if Chester had seen all of the pictures, or just some of them. _He doesn’t sound upset. And we weren’t doing anything wrong._ He’d felt Chester move away from his kiss, but he wasn’t going to give up yet. He was ready to move away from the subject of photography and on to something better. Mike let his fingers drift down to the top of Chester’s underwear, and he ran one fingertip under the waistband. “What do you want to do tonight? It’s still early,” he asked in the sexiest voice he owned. 

Chester knew exactly what Mike was asking. _I know it’s been awhile. I wish I had more control over things. _ Chester shut his eyes and tried to think sexy thoughts, something to get his cock interested, but his insides weren’t cooperating. Not tonight. His sex drive wasn’t even close to showing up. “Mike,” he whispered, reaching down and cupping his hand over his lover’s before pushing it away. “I think I might just want to go to sleep.” He knew his words were going to sting, but he didn’t want to lead Mike on. That would be all kinds of wrong. 

Mike closed his eyes and slowly pulled his hand back into his own space. He wanted to respect Chester’s desires, or lack of desire, but it was so hard. _Two weeks isn’t so bad,_ he tried to tell himself as he stifled a sigh. _He’s off tomorrow. We can sleep in, and maybe I’ll make pancakes. We can lay in bed and watch a movie, and maybe he’ll be the one asking. Maybe I’ve been too pushy._ “Okay, babe. If you want to go to sleep, we can go to sleep. It’s not all that early. It’s already dark out.” He shifted onto his back, hoping Chester would turn and snuggle up next to him. 

“Thanks, Sexy Boy,” Chester said, a yawn following his words. He took the opportunity to curl up to Mike’s side, letting their body heat mingle. He pulled their legs together, and wrapped an arm over Mike’s stomach. “We can all sleep in tomorrow.” He wanted to fall right to sleep. He was warm and comfortable, and despite him saying no to sex, Mike’s hand was lightly feathering up and down his back. Chester’s mind was already drifting into sleep, the sound of Ryan’s voice coming up from below, a sound Chester knew without looking. His eyes opened, his closeup view of Mike’s white t-shirt was all he could see as he listened to the other couple start what would very shortly lead to the sound of the headboard banging in rhythm against the wall. 

****  
TBC


	14. Never Have I Ever

Chester was the first one in the apartment. “I swear I had no idea they made this a game,” he stated for the fifth time since they’d all left the novelty store downtown. 

“We know,” Ryan said with a playful eyeroll. “You’ve only said it a million times.” He sat the massive bottle of vodka down on the counter with a thump. He looked over at Chester, who was frantically unwrapping the clear plastic from the set of _Never Have I Ever_ cards. “It’s going to be fun.” He glanced over toward the front door, where Mike and Jason were just coming in. Jason was carrying a large bottle of orange juice, Mike was sulking in behind him. _He’s been so down all day. No idea why. I don’t think Chaz knows either. And it was even his idea to have a drink when we got back. Very not Mike-like according to Chaz._ He gave a sideways look to Chester, but it was clear whatever was on Mike’s mind would have to wait till they’d all loosened up with a drink. 

Chester got down his largest cups and lined them up on the counter. “I love playing bartender,” he announced to anyone who would listen. “If I ever decide to stop modeling, I think I’d go for my bartending license.” 

“You’d be sexy as a bartender,” Ryan said, nudging Chester’s arm before he was off, rounding the bar and heading toward the bed in the corner to take his shoes off and get into something more comfortable. Tight jeans and snug fitting shirts were great when they were out walking around downtown L.A., but they were home now, so it was pajama pants and a tank top. 

Jason had already dropped the orange juice on the bar and turned toward the bed. He almost ran into Mike when he turned suddenly, and he watched Mike’s cheeks turn a little pink as he mumbled “sorry.” Jason followed Ryan to the corner, where his boyfriend was already working on his clothes. He pushed his shoes off and nudged them under the bed. “Are you changing?” he asked, looking back toward the kitchen where Mike was kissing the side of Chester’s neck. 

“Yeah, going to put on something more comfortable,” Ryan stated as he stepped out of his jeans. “We’re not going back out and we’re drinking screwdrivers, so if I have too much I can just fall into bed.” 

Last night had been weighing on Mike’s mind all day while they were out shopping and hanging out together, and trying to have fun. He knew the rejection he felt wasn’t about him, and all about the medication Chester was adjusting to, but that knowledge didn’t make it hurt any less. It was frustrating. They’d gone from sex every day to practically nothing overnight. The collar incident, and then the therapy. Unfortunately, the timing of those two events came back to back, and Mike was missing their physical relationship. He hadn’t had much opportunity alone with Chester, so when Ryan and Jason stepped away, he was in Chester’s space immediately. “You _would_ be a sexy bartender,” he whispered, kissing down the side of Chester’s neck. His fingers found the red belt that his boyfriend was wearing for the second day in a row. “I’d drink all the drinks if you were making them.” 

Chester had already filled up two of the large cups, and he stopped as he let Mike nuzzle up against him. “Really? I have to say, I was actually a little surprised you even wanted to do this...you’ve always been so strict about drinking.” 

Mike paused, his eyes going to the cups in front of them. He’d been guilty of doing a lot of out of character things lately. _Like shopping. And video games. And now suggesting that they drink, all to see if it could lead somewhere. All to see if he could get Chester in the mood. It seemed awful._ He set aside those thoughts and slid his hands around Chester’s waist. “I didn’t like it at work,” he admitted, “but only because I was paranoid. I didn’t want you to drink too much around the others. I didn’t want to drink because if we were both drinking, who was going to be sure we were okay?” He left another kiss on the back of Chester’s neck, his lips hovering over the spot he kissed every morning. “I just wanted to keep you safe. And now we’re in a safe place. With friends. It’s okay here.” 

Chester’s memory pulled up the few times he’d had a little too much to drink while at home, or while he was out with Ryan, and Mike had never reacted to it well. _Wonder what’s different about tonight?_ The urge to fixate on that one little thing hit, but he shoved it away as Ryan called for him to hurry up. “Okay, okay!” Chester shouted back. He spun around, plopped a kiss to Mike’s lips and said, “Good. Let’s have some fun,” before he finished their drinks and together he and Mike walked them to the table. 

They all sat down, and Chester bounced from his seat. “I’ll get the cards!” He almost tripped over his feet as he scrambled to get back into the kitchen. He snatched the deck from the counter and was already shuffling them. “Do you guys all know the rules?” Before anyone could answer, he was on task. “We take turns reading the cards, and if you’ve never done it, you don’t drink, but if you have, then you do. Fun, right? Who wants to go first?” He sat down next to Mike. 

“I’ll do it,” Jason volunteered, reaching for the top card of the stack. He flipped it over and took a deep breath, expecting it to be something deeply personal. “Never have I ever kissed a celebrity.” He looked around at the table, and nobody raised their glass. 

“What a stupid question,” Chester complained as he looked down at his untouched drink. “Boooo. Next card,” he decided, pointing at Ryan. 

“Calm down, I’m sure we’ll be drinking plenty, Chazzy.” Ryan took the next card from the pile and read, “Never have I ever left the house without underwear.” He snorted the moment he read it. “Yes!” And he took a drink. 

Mike looked at Chester, his mouth dropping open a little as his boyfriend took a drink. “Ches! Really? No underwear?” 

Chester waved his hand through the air. “No questioning the answers! But yes, I’ve had an occasion. Or two.” He grinned for a second, before he declared it his turn. He took the next card. “Never have I ever slept with someone from my workplace.” He laughed so hard before he raised his glass, and waited for everyone around the table to do the same. There was a silly cheer as they all drank. 

“Okay,” Mike said, putting out his hand to get the next card. He gave Chester a sideways smile. “Never have I ever sent a dirty text to the wrong person.” Everyone’s cups stayed on the table, and then Jason raised his and took a drink. A chorus of “oooh” went up from the table. 

“Whatever,” Jason said. He didn’t want to talk about it. He was glad Chester had instituted a no questions rule. He took the next card. “Never have I ever been in handcuffs.” Everyone but Ryan took a drink, and Jason raised his eyebrow at his lover. 

“Sorry,” Ryan said, his hands going up, “but that’s one I’ve never done. One I don’t want to do.” His gaze flicked across the table to Chester, first his face and then down to his wrists where he’d seen the damage done by handcuffs once before. But he shook it off and grabbed the next card. “Okay, never have I ever had to fake it.” He dropped the card to the table, picking up his drink. “Been there, done that.” He watched as Chester followed suit, and so did Jason. 

Chester didn’t miss that Mike’s cup was still on the table, and something warm crossed his heart. He reached for Mike’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze. Their sex life wasn’t exactly on ten lately, with Chester’s new medication still working its way through his system. He knew eventually his sex drive would return to normal, but for now it was almost non-existent, and that had been hard on both of them. Watching his boyfriend affirm that he’d never faked a thing between them in the bedroom was a nice boost to Chester’s self-esteem. He smiled at Mike before he went for the next card. “Never have I ever done it in a public place.” His drink was already halfway to his lips, along with everyone else but Mike. 

It was already Mike’s turn again. “Never have I ever gotten in trouble with the police.” 

Chester raised his hand, his body already feeling a little tingly. “What’s the definition of being in trouble?” He looked at Ryan. “Because there was that one night.” 

“That doesn’t count,” Ryan insisted. “I think we’re okay on this one.” He nodded at Chester, just as he saw Jason take a drink from the corner of his eye. His head spun and he opened his mouth to ask, but remembered he wasn’t allowed to. 

Jason went for the next card quickly. “Never have I ever taken nude photos of myself or someone else. Well, that’s obvious,” he added, taking another drink. The only cup that stayed on the table was Mike’s, and Jason wondered briefly if Mike would even get buzzed from this game. 

“My turn,” Ryan said as he went for the next card. His eyes widened a little as he read, “Never have I ever had sex with someone in this room. Welp,” he giggled, “that’s a no brainer.” He raised his glass, and so did everyone else at the table. 

“That’s such a freebie, we’ve all slept together,” Chester stated, before his brain caught up with his mouth. “I mean, like, not together,” he tried to explain badly. “Never mind. Shutting up. It’s my turn.” He leaned toward the center of the table for the next card. “Never have I ever made a wish after seeing a falling star.” Chester’s bright expression dropped. “Dammit. Not me.” 

Everyone else drank to that, and Mike’s heart pinched a little. _Who hasn’t wished on a falling star?_ He didn’t say anything, but picked up the next card. “Never have I ever done something sexual with more than one person in twenty-four hours.” He froze with the card in his hand. He’d hardly had as much alcohol as everyone else, and he was glad. He kept his cup on the table as everyone else raised their drink. Jason’s eyes met his over the top of his glass, and Mike looked away. 

Jason leaned forward to get the next card from the deck. _I guess that’s the smart thing to do. Lie about it._ He brushed off his annoyance and read, “never have I ever had sex in the shower. Why do I get all the obvious ones?” he asked, knocking back another drink as everyone - even Mike - did the same. 

“I don’t know,” Chester said, his words already slurring a little, “but it’s getting hot in here.” He tugged on his shirt and pulled it off over his head, letting it fall to the floor before Ryan took the next card.

“Never have I ever had a clingy partner. Oh, you gotta drink to that one, Chazzy,” Ryan laughed as he pointed.

Mike glared across the table as Chester was the only one to raise his cup. “Sorry, Sexy Boy, but you are,” Chester told him with a good-natured, and somewhat tipsy smile, before he took the next card. “Never have I ever eaten food off of someone.” 

With a smile in Ryan’s direction, Jason took a drink. “And those marshmallows were delicious,” he added, picking out the next card. “Never have I ever had a dirty crush on someone in this circle.” He wasn’t surprised when everyone took a drink, but he had to wonder who everyone was thinking of. Once again he was glad there were no questions. His tipsy mind was thinking about Mike’s voice as he swallowed. “Okay, Ry, your turn.” 

“This chair is soooo uncomfortable,” Ryan decided instead of picking the next card. He looked across the loft, his focus hitting the bed in the corner, which looked extremely comfortable at the moment. “I have a crazy idea,” he told the group, his head spinning a little as he leaned forward, like he was about to unleash a massive secret on them, “let’s move this to the bed.” 

“Yes,” Chester was the first to agree. “Tables suck.” He was already standing up, his balance off as he took his drink and grabbed the back of Mike’s shirt while he walked behind him. “Come on, Sexy Boy, we’re moving.” 

Mike grabbed his cup and followed Chester. He hadn’t had much to drink, but he was already feeling the vodka. “Tables do suck. Unless you’re laying on it,” he added, poking Chester in the side. 

“Our table is good for that,” Chester said, before he stopped at the foot of the bed. He glanced over the neatly made blankets and pillows before he carefully climbed on, begging Mike to sit next to him. “And don’t forget the cards!” he shouted to Jason and Ryan, who were still getting up from the table. 

“Got them,” Jason said, leaving the discarded ones on the table. He giggled a little on the way over to the bed. “You know we have to sit the same way, otherwise the order gets all messed up!” He put his hand with the deck of cards out in front of him, showing Ryan the way. “You first.”

Ryan rounded the bed, climbing in on his normal side, putting him next to Chester. “Is this right? This is where I want to sit,” he declared before he took a drink. “Oops! Sorry, drank out of turn,” he cackled. 

“You can sit there,” Chester decided, patting Ryan on his knee. “You can be my good luck charm so I’ll win.” 

“There’s no winning or losing...is there?” Ryan wasn’t sure, but if there was winning, he was ready for that, too. “Jay, come on.” He patted the place directly in front of him. 

Jason put the deck of cards on the blanket and moved his pillow so he could lean on it. He climbed on the bed. “Okay, I’m set. It’s your turn,” he said again, motioning to Ryan. 

Without a word, Ryan reached for the center of their circle, all of them sitting cross-legged. “Never have I ever given or received a lap dance. Yup,” Ryan stated without issue as he took a drink, and so did everyone else. 

Chester took the next card. “Never have I ever tasted myself.” Chester paused for a second, his attention shooting over to Ryan. “Yes,” he said, before he took a drink, and so did Ryan. 

Mike and Jason looked at each other. “Oooohhhh,” Mike said, suddenly remembering the night with the pink panties when Chester licked his own cum off Mike’s chin. “Maybe I’ll get one I can drink to,” he announced as he took the card. “Never have I ever slept with someone more than twice my age.” He looked down at his drink. He already knew what was coming.

Jason watched both Ryan and Chester slowly take a drink, their eyes connecting over the top of their cups. He looked away. It didn’t matter how hard he tried, somehow Mark wedged his way into every moment. There was a pause before he cleared his throat, and grabbed the next card. “Never have I ever done something illegal.” Everyone took a drink except Mike, and before he could stop himself he blurted out, “whatever, Mikey! You totally smoked weed with us!”

Mike’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Oh. I did. Well, it _is_ legal now.” He took a drink anyway, then decided fuck it and took another. “There. I took an extra for lying.”

Jason started to say, _well you better take another one_ but he bit his tongue and just shook his head. “There’s some things you just can’t forget.” 

“I don’t know why you’d want to forget that night,” Chester said as Ryan took the next card. “I had fun.” He glanced Ryan’s way, but only for a second. 

“Never have I ever…” Ryan stopped, a hard swallow coming out instead of the words on the card. “Some of these questions are just stupid,” he told the group. He went to turn the card over and leave it on the bed with the rest of the discards. 

“Hey, you can’t do that,” Chester protested as he went to try and grab the card. “Come on, we can handle it.” He tried to snatch the card from Ryan’s hand, the two of them getting into a short back and forth. 

“Chazzy, don’t,” Ryan almost begged, but a split second later, the card was triumphantly in Chester’s hand. 

He sat up straight and read out loud, “never have I ever...been choked.” Chester’s hands dropped along with his eyes as he stared down at his half-empty cup of orange juice and vodka. “Here,” he whispered, handing the card back to Ryan and then he took an extra long drink. He felt Ryan’s hand on his bare back, caressing him for a second before it dropped away. 

Jason looked from Chester over to Mike, whose eyes were huge and dark. He didn’t know what, if anything, to say. They all knew that the collar had been the source of a conversation between Ryan and Mike, and that it had yet to reappear after that. The guilt on Mike’s face was almost too much. Even though it wasn’t true, Jason took a drink as well, and watched everyone’s focus shift from Chester to him. “Well. It’s your turn, Chaz,” he said quietly, hoping the next card would be lighter. 

Ryan knew he wasn’t supposed to ask questions, but there was no rule about touching. He reached for Jason’s hand, squeezing it gently as he tried to catch his eyes. Despite his growing intoxication, he made a mental note to ask Jason about it later, and to ditch the choke card in the trash after the game was over. 

Chester took the next one, his voice less boisterous. “Never have I ever been to another country.” He shook his head and put the card down as he watched Mike and Jason both take a drink. He raised a curious eyebrow. _Wonder where they’ve been._

Mike wanted the next card to be light. He pulled it off the stack and held it in front of his face, squinting at it. “Hmmm. Never have I ever… man I’m hot, Ches, never have I ever had a paranormal experience.” He rolled his eyes and watched the others. All three of them took a drink. “Really?” he asked, looking around. 

“Yeah,” Ryan shot immediately at him. “You remember Brad?” 

Chester’s hand flew up. “No! No questions!” he insisted. “Even though Ry’s right.”

Mike shook his head. “Here, hold my cup,” he said, handing it to Chester. He shrugged off his flannel and dropped it on the floor. “Okay. Jay, you’re up.” 

Jason couldn’t count the number of paranormal experiences he’d had with Brad. “Right.” He narrowed his eyes at Mike. “You’ve taken half the drinks we have,” he proclaimed, pointing around the circle. “I think the new rule should be, Mike takes two drinks for everything he agrees with, what do you think?” He looked right at Chester. 

“I think that’s only fair. It’s true, Sexy Boy, we’re all going to be plastered and you’ll be, like, tipsy at best.” He gave his boyfriend a wily smile. 

With a satisfied nod, Jason pulled the next card. “Okay. Never have I ever been accused of being with someone not my partner.” He took a drink, and Chester did as well. 

Ryan watched. It was a funny feeling to realize that he was the cause of both those drinks. Mark had accused Jay when he’d found out about the affair, and Mike had never been quiet about his suspicions of him and Chester. _Chazzy shouldn’t have to drink to that one. He’s been loyal to Mike. He’s just too stubborn to see it. I wish he would wake up and recognize what he has with Chaz...it hurts him so much everytime Mike accuses him of something._ It was a frustrating thought, but Ryan shoved it away as he took the next card. “Never have I ever slept nude.” He snorted the moment he was done reading. “I think that’s an affirmative for all of us.”

“Mike’s not a habitual nude sleeper,” Chester informed the group as he took the next card. “But he’s passed out a few times without getting dressed.” He looked at his boyfriend, holding in his laugh as Mike rolled his eyes. “He says it feels weird,” Chester added, before reading, “Never have I ever taken the Morning After pill.” He leaned back a little as he studied the card. “What’s a Morning After pill?” He swung his head around to look at Ryan. “Should we be taking that? Which morning after do you take it?” 

Ryan took the card. “I don’t know...like, maybe the morning after drinking? I bet it’s a hangover pill. That stuff never works.” He handed the card back. 

“Actually, the Morning After pill is a thing women take to prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex. Or a condom breaks, stuff like that.” Jason shrugged off the looks of his friends. “I don’t know why I know that. I just do.”

Mike laughed at Jason as he took another card. He was feeling the alcohol now. Doubling his drinks was catching up with him, and everything was funny. “Ever I have never-” he stopped and regrouped, slowly pronouncing his words with emphasis. “Never have I ever sucked toes. Sucked toes!” he exclaimed, watching Ryan and Chester take drinks and laugh at each other around their cups. “Toes? No, no, no,” he said, shaking his head as he flicked the card into the discard pile. 

“Yeah, no toes for me either,” Jason said, nudging Ryan playfully before he grabbed the next card and dropped it. “Damn. I can’t think straight.” He made an exaggerated movement to pick up the card and held it an entire arm’s length away from his face, squinting at it. “Never have I ever used sex toys!” he exclaimed, tossing the card at Ryan like a frisbee. “It’s like a freebie!” he laughed as they all drank again. “Mike, you take two,” he reminded, his eyes on Mike’s cup.

“I know! I got this!” Mike took his drinks and looked down into his cup. He would be catching up, but everyone else was drinking to everything. 

Ryan’s head was spinning as he leaned forward, his balance off. He grabbed the next card before slouching back and onto Chester’s shoulder as he read, “Never have we ever stolen something.” He stared at the card. “Stolen something. Like a real thing?” He held the card up in Chester’s face. “Read it, Chazzy.” 

Chester was already laughing as he took the card from Ryan’s fingers. “Never have I ever stolen something,” he read, his face already twisting. “I think it means things.” He nudged Ryan off his arm. “You’re heavy,” he whined before he announced, “I used to steal black nail polish. It was a phase.” He dropped the card back on the bed. 

Ryan raised his hand. “I’ve stolen cookies from Brad’s kitchen.” His grin was wide as he looked across the loft. “Do we have any cookies?” 

Chester shook his head, his hand going to Ryan’s leg. “No,” he said in his best serious face. “But we need to take a drink.” 

“Chocolate chip cookies sound amazing,” Mike threw in before he took his drink. He saw Chester cock an eyebrow his way and he shrugged. “No questions, babe.” 

Chester sucked his lip ring in. He had no idea what Mike Shinoda ever would have stolen, but he made a tipsy note to himself to ask later, after the rules of Never Have I Ever were over. “Fine,” he finally said, before he took the next card. “Never have I ever kissed someone of the opposite sex.” He snarled at the card before he put it down. “Not me this time. I’ve never had any interest in girls. It was always like,” he slashed his hand slowly through the air, “no way. Not for me.” 

Ryan smiled as he took a drink. “I wasn’t sure until I got older,” he admittedly sheepishly. “And I figured cutting my chances in half of actually getting some wasn’t the brightest plan.” He watched Jason shake his head at him and Chester laughed, and then his eyes landed on Mike, who was slowly sipping from his cup. “Ohhhh, do tell, Mike.” 

Chester’s attention shot right to his boyfriend. “Come on, let us ask!” he begged, even though Ryan had already done that. 

Mike pulled his cup away from his mouth, and his good sense didn’t stop him from casually mentioning, “there was a girl. Girlfriend. Like, in high school. Before I had the courage to tell my parents, it was just appearances.” He shook his head. “We just kissed a couple of times, don’t look like that, Ches. It didn’t mean anything.”

Chester patted Mike’s shoulder, but didn’t say anything. They all had a different way in which they’d ended up out and proud in the gay community, even though the idea of Mike kissing a girl was a little hard for Chester to swallow. 

“It’s all in the past now,” Mike stated, ready to take his next turn with the cards. The room was tilting a little as he leaned forward and plucked the top card off the almost gone stack. “Never. Have I ever.” He paused, then read in a rush, “given or received a deep throat blow job.” Mike stared at the card for a minute, as though it were ready to spill his biggest secret. He scrunched his eyes together as he tried to remember if he was supposed to drink if it were a true statement, or drink if it were a lie. And if he were lying, was he supposed to drink or not? He looked at his cup and debated what he should do, while Jason and Ryan both lifted theirs to their lips. 

“I never have either,” Chester said, looking down at his cup, wanting to take a drink. “But dammit I feel left out. I never have I ever,” he announced loudly to everyone, leaning forward and reaching across the circle to almost touch Jason’s knee, “but I’m drinking anyway because I’m drinking and we’re drunk. I mean, no,” he corrected, shaking his head. “I mean, I’m drinking because...I want to.” He was happy with that answer, and even tilted his cup toward Ryan for a second to get his nod of approval to drink even though it wasn’t in compliance with the rules. 

“You can have that one, Chazzy, but maybe then you should stop. You’re slurging your words,” Ryan tried to say before he laughed. “I mean slurring your gurds!” He shook his hand out in front of him, like it was on fire. “Words! Your words are slurring!” He finally got right. 

Mike giggled at Ryan’s mispronounced words. “We all need to stop. This game was probably meant for people less ridiculous than us. Or maybe some that don’t drink.” He’d avoided Jason’s eyes after the last question and somehow managed to figure out not to drink, though it had been a scary few seconds of confusion. “Anyway, this should be the last round,” he decided, motioning to the cards.

“How about last card? I’m almost out anyway,” Jason said, jiggling his cup in the air. “Last card, here we go.” He pulled the top card from the stack and announced, “never have I ever gotten a tattoo.” He dropped the card in the discard pile and finished off his drink as Ryan and Chester took one more. 

“We should count,” Ryan suggested, setting his cup down on the floor, and almost falling off the bed as he did. 

“Wow! Ry!” Chester shouted, jumping to save his friend from tumbling off the side. “Don’t jump! It’s not worth it!” 

“I’m not jumping!” Ryan laughed as he hung onto Chester’s much smaller body. “Take my shirt off,” he begged, pawing at Chester’s naked shoulders and stomach. “I have more tattoos than you.” 

“I know you do,” Chester laughed, before he helped Ryan sit up straight, and a second later, he was pulling Ryan’s tank top off over his head, revealing his collection of black and gray tattoos. “They look so good on you,” Chester mumbled, his speech still slurred. 

“Thanks,” Ryan offered, rubbing his hands up and down his arms and over his shoulders, touching every bit of ink that he could. He thought to say something else, to return the compliment, but he caught Mike’s dark eyes staring at him and Chester. “No tats for you, right? Jay has one,” he offered, swinging his head around and pointing at his lover. 

“I drank!” Jason immediately defended, as though Ryan were accusing him of not owning up to the tattoo. “Even though it doesn’t count. It’s small.” He shifted a little to stretch out his legs. “Not all pretty like yours and Chaz’s.”

“What is it?” Mike blurted out, his attention swinging from Chester and Ryan over to Jason. He’d almost said _where_ is it, and he was glad his mouth had cooperated. He couldn’t recall seeing a tattoo on Jason anywhere, so he didn’t doubt that it was small. 

Jason pointed at his hip, leaning back on his other hand. “Here.” 

“It’s in Japanese,” Ryan filled in. “It says _film_ and it IS really tiny.” He looked from Jason’s face, down to his jeans before suggesting. “You should show them.” 

Mike’s interest in Jason’s tattoo doubled when Ryan said it was in Japanese. “Yeah, show us. I love the way words look in Japanese. If I ever got a tattoo, it would be something in Japanese. Right, Ches? I could get a Japanese tattoo,” he rambled, watching Jason’s fingers press over the top of his jeans.

“You can get whatever you want, Sexy Boy.” 

Mike nodded his head, flashing Chester a smile. “Yeah. I just have to figure out what I want. Jason, show us. We’ve seen Ches and Ryan’s, you have to show yours, too.”

Jason looked around the circle of his friends on the bed and made a face. “It’s really not a big deal,” he said before he lay back on the mattress and unbuttoned his jeans so he could inch them and his boxers down a little to reveal the simple black tattoo on his hip. “See? There you go.” He pulled his pants back up before anyone got a good look at it. 

Chester blinked, and he was pretty sure he’d missed it. “Wait, there who go?” he asked, pointing at Jason’s hip. “Jay, I didn’t even see anything.” 

“I told you it was small,” Ryan said, nudging Chester’s side. “I thought it was a mole the first time I saw it.” 

“It’s not _that_ small,” Jason fussed. He knew he was going to have to show it again. Chester wouldn’t give up until he’d seen it, but he didn’t know how to keep Mike from getting a closer look at it. 

“I didn’t get to look at it either,” Mike pouted. He reached over and patted Jason’s knee. “Stand up and show us. Here.” He offered Jason his hand to pull him up from the bed.

“Fine,” Jason whined, letting Mike clumsily pull him up. He slid off the bed and stood, using the edge of the mattress for balance as he stripped off his jeans. “Here. It’s like Ry said. It says film.” He shoved his hand in the waistband of his boxers and pulled the side down again, this time long enough for everyone to look at the dime-sized Japanese characters on his hip. 

Mike blinked at them a couple of times. It didn’t look like the word film to him, but he was drunk. He didn’t trust himself to say anything, so he didn’t. He just looked at Jason, who looked back at him with an expression that almost looked like shame. It didn’t make any sense. 

“It says film?” Chester asked as he got up on his hands and knees, ready to crawl across the bed to get a better look. He made it to one hand and one knee before he lost his balance, the room tipping as he moved. His whole body went sideways, and he collapsed into Ryan’s lap instead. “I fell over, I think,” he giggled, as he tried to orient himself. 

The moment Chester’s upper half was on his legs, Ryan was right there, one hand on Chester’s back, his other on his shoulder. “You drunk,” he cackled. “I don’t know, Chazzy, you’re just getting suggestive now.” He smirked down at his friend, his eyes half closed as Chester twisted and reached up, his fingers stroking over Ryan’s scruffy facial hair for a second as he tried to say something, but it all came out in gibberish. 

“Ches, get up,” Mike said, forgetting all about Jason’s tattoo the moment his boyfriend fell into Ryan’s lap. “Wrong lap!” He reached over and grabbed at the first thing that caught his attention - the red starry belt. “Come on, up you go.” He tugged at the belt and then got his hand around Chester’s upper arm, pulling him off of Ryan. 

Chester felt his whole body being pulled, and suddenly Ryan was gone from his line of vision. “What arrrre you doing?” he asked, his tongue still not cooperating completely. “I was there,” he insisted, before he found the mattress under his hands and knees, and then his bottom. His head swiveled and he saw Mike’s face. “Are you trying to take off my pants? Or do you want my belt? You can have it,” he decided. He looked down and his fingers followed, unbuckling the starry strap that Mike had captured him by. 

Jason got back on the bed, laughing as Chester pulled at the red belt. “You need help. Mike, you need to take it off of him,” he said, though he wasn’t sure why. All he knew was Chester wanted the belt off, and his fingers weren’t cooperating. 

“Here, I’ll get it,” Mike insisted, leaning over and pushing Chester’s hands aside. “It’s night time. We should all be in pajamas. Belts don’t go with pajamas.” He got the belt undone and pulled it through the loops of Chester’s jeans. “There. That’s better, right?” 

Chester looked from the belt in Mike’s hand, down at his jeans, one hand lazily going to his naked stomach. “Are we going to bed?” he asked, before he started to undo his pants. “I sleep naked. Mike you knoooow that.” He flopped down on his side, then his back, his legs going in the air as he unbuttoned his jeans and tried to shove them off his hips. “And Ry sleeps naked, too! And Mike, you neeeeeed your pajama pants!!” 

Ryan looked from Chester wiggling around on the bed, to Mike. “I think he’s toast,” he said, holding back his laugh. “He probably had too much to drink.” 

“I don’t think I can go upstairs,” Mike added, his head spinning. “Not right now. Ches, it’s too early to go to bed.” He was surprised when his boyfriend managed to get his jeans off, and he watched Chester throw them to the floor. Now he was laying on the bed in just his underwear, and Mike just started to giggle helplessly. “What am I usposed to do with you?” 

Chester looked up and smiled. “I’m good right here,” he assured his boyfriend before he looked around the circle at Jason and Ryan looking down at him. “But now you’re all overdressed,” he informed them with a finger wave, before his heavy eyes fell half shut. 

“It is hot in here,” Ryan said, before he decided to join his friend. “And Mike’s right, it’s too late for pajamas. Or early,” he corrected before he gave up. “Whatever. Mike said to and it’s hot.” He managed to get off the side of the bed, and slide his pajama bottoms down and off, without a single person objecting. “Hey,” he said, pointing at Chester, “we have the same underwear on!” 

Chester lifted his head, looking from his black Calvin Klein’s to Ryan’s and he grinned. “We do! This is why we’re awesome together. We’re on the same brain waves and stuff.” He gestured back and forth between them as Ryan climbed back on the bed. 

“It is hot,” Jason mumbled, though he was only in boxers and a t-shirt. “I’m gonna open the windows.” He didn’t look back at the bed. He carefully worked his way over to the windows and opened each, one at a time, until he was at the end of the row. The cooler air washed over him and he stood for a second, thinking about how far away the bed was now. The bed that Ryan and Chester were laying on in their underwear, and Mike was still almost completely dressed. “Mike,” he called from the window close to the kitchen, “you’re behind the game. Everyone is going to be asleep before you even take your shirt off.”

Mike wanted to climb over Chester and kiss all over his bare stomach. Jason’s words caught him a little by surprise, and he looked down at himself. “I am still dressed,” he said, a little slowly. “I guess I’ll catch up.” He unbuttoned his jeans as he stood up from the bed, wobbling a little. “I can get naked, too.” 

“Damn right you can, Sexy Boy,” Chester cheered as he looked up at Mike, upside down. He was still on his back, his head close to the edge of the bed. “Take it all off!” he laughed a little before he reached and blindly slapped at Ryan’s hairy leg. “Lay down with me and we’ll watch Mike strip upside down!” He didn’t have to ask twice, Ryan scooted around, his back on the mattress, his head right next to Chester’s as they both giggled and looked up at Mike. They were close enough that their arms and legs were touching.

Mike stepped out of his jeans one leg at a time, and then boldly reached for his shirt. “How’s that, Ches?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He leaned over the bed and went right for Chester’s belly, tickling it with his longer facial hair. “Feel different upside down?” 

“Everything is different upside down,” Chester said, his hands sliding up and down Mike’s bare sides. His fingertips touched the waistband of Mike’s red boxers, before he dropped them. “It tickles,” he laughed. His head turned, his eyes landing right on Ryan, who was less than six inches away. 

“He’s got you, Chaz,” Ryan said, his insides getting excited. His hand was already on Chester’s thigh, a lazy move that had happened somewhere between the two of them looking up at Mike as he stripped, and Mike leaning over half of Chester’s body to rub his chin against his exposed belly skin. “Maybe we should double team you,” Ryan laughed, squeezing Chester’s skinny leg. 

“Double team me with what?” he giggled back. “You going to tickle me too?” He pulled his eyes off Ryan to look up at Mike’s neck and chest, and the soft skin he loved. He reached to touch his boyfriend, hanging onto him from below. 

Ryan didn’t exactly have a plan, other than wanting to be involved. This was the closest he’d been to Mike and Chester while they were in the midst of what he was taking to be a type of foreplay, and the urge to join in was strong. Sudden. He rolled to the side, and got up on his knees before he gently pulled on one of Chester’s legs, and climbed between them. His hands went to either side of Chester’s hips, his palms pressing into the mattress as he leaned down, and rubbed his chin and all his scruffy facial hair over Chester’s inner thighs. It was hard not to laugh as Chester squirmed and scissored him between his legs. 

Jason watched as Chester shrieked with laughter from Mike and Ryan rubbing their faces on his body. They looked completely ridiculous. He crossed the room laughing a little at how loud they were all being, and before he knew it, he was right behind Mike, an outsider to all the action that was happening on the bed. Mike was leaned far over Chester, and the red fabric of Mike’s boxer shorts was summoning him closer. Jason could see Chester squirming to try to get away, and he stepped in to help. Without a second of doubt, Jason’s hands went right to Mike’s hips as he leaned over to tickle Mike’s back with his own facial hair, trying to distract him enough to give Chester a break.

It was Mike’s turn to shriek in surprise, both from the feel of the soft hairs on his skin, and the not very subtle press of Jason’s body into his from behind. One of his hands reached for Jason’s, trying to move away from the ticklish onslaught. What Ryan was doing wasn’t even a consideration now that Mike was trying to escape from Jason. “Jay! Stop!” he cried between giggles, the upside down stance he was in causing his head to spin even more.

Jason’s fingers held on, more for stability than to torture Mike. “You stop!” He was laughing. They all were, though now it was just Ryan and Jason tickling the other two. 

Ryan felt the squeeze of Chester’s legs around him, and he brought one hand up off the mattress for defense. He hooked his arm up under Chester’s knee with a laugh as Chester declared that not to be fair. “All’s fair in love and tickling, Chazzy!” Ryan chuckled before he went to slide his chin all the way from Chester’s kneecap down to his underwear. He knew that would really get his friend going, and with it, the thought that he should probably stop after that hit him. He’d seen and heard Jason join the fun, but he wasn’t sure where he was. 

With Mike still over top of him, but no longer torturing him, Chester’s attention was more honed in on what was happening between his legs. He could still hear Mike’s voice, but his attention was turned, trying to look behind him, and Chester wasn’t sure why. His intoxicated mind was trying to keep track of where everyone was, but he was upside down, and that wasn’t helping. “Ry!” he laughed as he felt the slow slide of Ryan’s scruffy chin go down his leg, when suddenly the ticklish feeling stopped, replaced by the feel of his friend’s lips. 

The transition from a playful rub to kisses had happened on its own. Ryan’s balance wasn’t the best in the moment as he tried to keep a straight line down Chester’s leg, and now he was kissing instead of rubbing. His heart pounded as he neared Chester’s black underwear, his mind trying to snap him out of it, but he couldn’t. A second later his nose nuzzled the side of the black Calvin Klein’s, everything Chester hitting his senses. 

The touch of Ryan’s face to his hidden cock brought Chester to a complete freeze. He had one hand on Mike above him, but his other reached for Ryan between his legs. His fingers were quickly tangled in Ryan’s dark hair, and Chester’s mouth opened as he felt the hot rush of Ryan’s breath seeping through the thin fabric of his underwear. For the first time since he’d started his meds, he felt his cock twitch to life, and the very missed sensation of tingles starting to creep around his bottom half. 

“Let me up, Jay,” Mike whined, pressing back into Jason a little as he tried to stand up. Chester had gone silent, which meant tickling wasn’t funny anymore. He looked down at Chester’s face, upside down as it was, and tried to get a kiss to his lips, but missed. Mike snorted a little before he let go of Jason’s hand and steadied himself on the mattress. He could feel Jason’s warmth behind him, and suddenly it felt really important to put some distance between them. 

Mike tried to stand up, to move away, but Jason’s hands were latched onto his hips. His back straightened, and right in front of him was Chester, upside down still, with Ryan between his knees. His boyfriend’s hand was in Ryan’s hair, and Mike was confused. Ryan hadn’t been there when he started tickling Chester. But Jason hadn’t been behind him, either. They were all very close now, and Mike couldn’t quite make his brain work as he stood there. He could feel Jason’s fingers along the top of his boxers, and he was watching Chester’s face. If he hadn’t been upside down, Mike might have thought his boyfriend’s eyes were closed in pleasure. But he just wasn’t sure.

Jason let Mike lean back into him slightly while he waited to see what Ryan was doing. He’d looked up from tickling Mike to see Ryan’s face so close to Chester’s underwear, but he hadn’t seen anything. Not yet, but the air felt electric, like something was about to happen. He slightly curled his fingers and shifted his hips into Mike, his eyes focused on Ryan’s face right before he pressed a kiss to the spot he’d seen Chester kiss so many times on camera. The spot behind Mike’s ear, the one that would bring his eyes closed instantly. _He doesn’t need to see what Ry’s doing anyway. So it’s okay._

A small gasp escaped from Mike’s lips as he felt Jason’s kiss behind his ear. It was completely unexpected. His eyes dropped shut, putting away the sight of Ryan and Chester on the bed as he leaned his head back to allow the kiss. His knees felt a little funny, but he wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, or if it was Jason. Moving away from him seemed much less important than it had mere moments ago, as Jason trailed his lips over to lightly kiss the very bottom of Mike’s earlobe. 

Ryan’s eyes flashed up from where he was hovering right over Chester’s crotch. His mouth was open as he tried to focus. His insides pulled, the need and desire to continue his connection with Chester on a physical level was strong, and it overrode the picture in front of him of his boyfriend suckling on Mike Shinoda’s ear. 

His eyes dropped back down to Chester’s flushed face, and the zip of arousal and need pushed to the forefront. He knew all about Chester’s current struggle when it came to sex, and being able to perform, but he wasn’t struggling now, and Ryan wanted to share the moment with him. “Tell me to stop,” Ryan only partially whispered, before he lowered his lips, daring to let them caress over Chester’s growing hard on. His eyes shut as he kissed tentatively at first, pecks against the dark fabric. “I’ve missed you,” he mumbled, his head spinning just a little as he held Chester’s body close while he showered him with affection. 

Chester wasn’t even sure if he could open his eyes. His hand was still in Ryan’s hair, his whole body feeling like it was prickling with excitement - excitement that he’d been yearning for. “Me too,” he said back, his hips bucking at the contact of Ryan’s familiar way of lapping and licking. He whined as he squirmed, as he mentally wished he didn’t have underwear on at all. He was aware that Mike was no longer above him, his last thoughts of his lover linked to the sound of Jason’s voice mixing with Mike’s laughter somewhere overhead. His eyes opened, the bright light from the ceiling causing him to only take a peek around as he tilted his head in unison with his back arching, Ryan’s hot mouth taking in more than before. 

Chester could see Mike, his body not too far away. He saw Jason’s hands on Mike’s hips. He heard Mike moan in pleasure, and Chester’s eyes shut. Whatever was happening was okay, and it was enough permission for his concentration to go back to what was happening. He felt Ryan’s tongue lick his slit through his underwear, and Chester’s toes curled as he grabbed at the blanket under them with his free hand. “God, it’s been so long,” he said, the thought to whisper gone. “Ry,” he called, “don’t stop. Keep going.” 

Ryan heard his name, his ears in tune with the sound of Chester’s voice. His own cock was plump, and it was taking every bit of willpower he had left to not shimmy up Chester’s body to get to him properly so they could kiss, and their bodies could rub together. He shut his eyes, and instead did his best to get Chester to a good place where they were. He let Chester’s leg go, and ran his hand up his side instead, feeling over his stomach and side, and even reaching far enough up to one of his nipples.

Mike heard Chester’s voice, too, and his hazy mind heard who he called for. Even with Jason’s hot mouth kissing and licking at his ear, he struggled to get his eyes open long enough to see his lover’s face. This time he was certain it was ecstasy and nothing else in Chester’s expression. It was clear that this was what Chester wanted. He almost reached out to touch his boyfriend’s face, but Jason was quicker.

Jason had seen Ryan and Chester in hundreds of sexual positions with no effect, but there was something exciting about watching them this time, while he had Mike Shinoda in his hands. Things were progressing on the bed, and he wanted more, too. He wanted to hear Mike tell him not to stop. He wanted to see what Mike would do this time, in this situation, with what looked like consent from everyone. Jason let his fingers drift around the front of Mike’s hip and play just under his belly button, softly stroking the skin there while he dropped his kisses boldly down Mike’s neck.

There was no resistance, and Jason dared to kiss down Mike’s shoulder as he slid just the tips of his fingers under the waistband of Mike’s boxers. He could feel the sharp breath that pulled Mike’s stomach away, and he paused, his focus going to the bed in front of them. Ryan didn’t look like he was stopping. Mike wasn’t stopping Ryan - or Jason. And Chester was already gone. Jason put his lips right to Mike’s ear, his heart beating furiously as he whispered, “I want to touch you, Mike. Let me.” 

Jason only waited long enough to hear the needy whimper from Mike’s throat, and then his hand was down the front of Mike’s boxers. He wasn’t surprised to find him already half hard just from the kisses to his ear, and maybe from the sight of Chester being pleasured on the bed. It didn’t matter the reason why. Jason curled his hand around Mike’s erection and drew a long stroke down, then back up with his hand, a shudder moving through him at the illicit behavior. He could feel his own dick getting hard, pressing into Mike from behind, and a fleeting thought of what it might be like to have Mike Shinoda on all fours on the bed crossed his mind. It had been a hell of a long time since he’d been the giver in that situation, but he could feel the urge to pull Mike into him, the need to grab the younger man by the hips growing stronger with each stroke of his hand. 

Mike’s mouth fell open as soon as he felt Jason’s hand on him. Tingles of electricity shot down his legs as he leaned back into Jason’s lips and shifted his hips slightly, encouraging the other man to keep going. He remembered all too well the feeling of Jason’s mouth around his cock, and it only took a few strokes for him to be fully hard, for a bead of precum to find Jason’s thumb as it flicked over his mushroom head. A few more moves like that and Mike would be begging Jason to get on his knees for him. He tried to open his eyes, to see Chester and Ryan, but he couldn’t. 

Chester’s hand was still in Ryan’s hair, but his other started to push and shove at the waistband of his underwear. “Take ‘em off, Ry,” he whined, his dick begging for more. For real contact, not the muted feeling of being touched through his underwear. 

Ryan picked his head up. His mouth was open as he breathed, as his entire body was consumed with a mix of lust and need to be this way with Chester. “Lift your booty,” he said, as he leaned back on his knees to take the waistband of Chester’s underwear in both hands. They worked together, and it was only seconds before Chester’s hard cock was out in the open. 

Ryan stopped. Chester’s black underwear was in his hand as he looked down at his length, and his tip. Memory flooded him - good memories of the years he and Chester had spent physically pleasuring each other for the camera. Under orders. For money. For the fans that would leave comments about their performance. Comments that often included just how sexy and fuckable they both were. 

But there were no cameras here. No one was barking orders at them. There was no money involved, or worry over fan approval. Chester was looking up at him, his dark caramel eyes almost black, his pupils blown with complete arousal. Ryan’s heart beat a little faster as he watched Chester smile at him, and wiggle his finger for Ryan to come back to him. 

Chester watched as Ryan made quick work to get his underwear off, too, and with both of them completely naked, it felt even more important for the other man to be close. He wanted to touch him, not just his hair, but his whole body. It had been a long time, and as he felt Ryan’s lips return to his cock - his warm, naked cock - the desire for more hit. It was only a brief skip over Chester’s fuzzy mind as he thought about the last time he’d gotten to touch and kiss Ryan, the last time he’d had the other man inside of him. He recalled the look in Ryan’s stunning eyes as their bodies had rocked together under Mark’s orders, and the realization washed over him quickly. They weren’t at YRS. He wasn’t Charlie Bang, and it wasn’t Chris Suckler between his legs. He was Chester, and that was Ryan, and they were both where they were by choice. 

Chester’s eyes squeezed a little tighter as he breathed hard. Ryan’s hand was around his fully erect cock, his tongue sliding all over his mushroom head, and pressing down into his slit. Chester hissed before he bit at his piercing, moans and whimpers coming out louder than he wanted. He felt Ryan’s hand move, covering his tip instead as he held Chester’s cock straight up, and licked from the base to the top, and Chester’s entire bottom half quaked in pleasure. His balls were next, Ryan’s knowledgeable tongue pressing between the two spheres inside his sack with just the right amount of pressure. It was a sensitive area. Too much, and it would turn painful, but the right balance was glorious, and Ryan’s muscle memory knew exactly how to pull the pleasure from Chester from years of practice. From countless moments of trial and error. 

Chester’s head went back on the mattress, his neck straining as his body tensed with a wave of pleasure. The coil in his balls was getting tighter, and he wanted to be consumed. “Ry, Ry, come here,” he begged as he started to grab and pull at his friend’s shoulders and neck. “Please.” 

Ryan looked up, Chester’s cock dropping from his mouth, the taste of his pre-cum thick on his tongue - a taste he’d missed over the last year. And now Chester was calling for him, and that was stronger than his willpower. He lifted himself up, and crawled forward, his dripping cock sliding up onto Chester’s lower half, and for the first time in over a year, their dicks mingled together. It was a sensation that paused them both. Ryan hovered over Chester, keeping himself from pressing his whole body down. Instead he kept space between them, knowing that if they started humping, sex would happen. It wasn’t a bad thing, but the thought that their boyfriends were close by, that they weren’t alone to enjoy that pleasure together for the first time as their true selves, kept Ryan above Chester at a distance. “I’m here,” Ryan said, smiling down at the face he adored. 

“Not close enough,” Chester breathed as he reached up, his fingers stroking over Ryan’s cheek, and he watched as his bright blue eyes closed. It was a beautiful sight, and Chester felt it as much as he saw it. He pulled Ryan down, their lips connecting, gently. There was no rush, as if time didn’t exist in the bubble they’d managed to get themselves into. Their lips melted together for a brief moment, and then another. Their tongues slid together, playfully batting at each other, between more seductive motions. 

Chester felt his cock leaking, and the rub of Ryan’s equally wet tip was more than welcomed. He reached up, both his hands going to Ryan’s sides. He could feel him breathing, and he pulled down on him. He wanted Ryan’s weight against his stomach, his chest, his whole body. He spread his legs wider as he tried again, his bottom needy. He wanted Ryan like he hadn’t had him in so long, and that wasn’t going to happen if Ryan kept the space between them. “Ryyyy,” he whined as he slid one hand up to the back of Ryan’s neck. 

Ryan dropped his head next to Chester’s ear. He knew what was being asked. “Not here, Chazzy,” he whispered, before nuzzling his nose and lips to the shell of Chester’s ear, and the small plug that was in his lobe. 

Chester’s hand stayed on the back of Ryan’s neck, his fingers just up under his hairline. His eyes shut as he listened to his friend’s words, and he knew he was right. Whatever was happening, it could only go so far right now, and the decision to make the best of it hit. He let Ryan continue kissing and sucking his neck and ear before his free hand reached between them. He found Ryan’s hard cock, and stroked him in the way he knew he liked. He used his thumb to apply extra pressure under the base of Ryan’s mushroom head, the small area where it connected to his shaft, and he heard Ryan’s approval in the form of a moan and a buck of his hips. “Got you,” Chester half giggled. 

“You’ve always had me,” Ryan whispered as he let himself get lost in the feel of Chester’s familiar touch, and smaller hand that knew exactly what to do. He could feel himself leaking as Chester stroked him faster, his release edging closer. He let his upper half come down a little, one hand going into Chester’s blonde curls as he breathed hard. He was going to cum under Chester’s touch, and there would be no stopping it now. 

He buried his face into Chester’s neck, his chest heaving as his lower half bucked with Chester’s strokes. His cock slipped in and out of Chester’s hand, his tip making contact with the smaller man’s bare stomach with each and every push through. “Fuck, Chazzy,” he whined, just as he felt everything tighten. His hand tangled in Chester’s short hair, gripped on a little more as he felt his release rush. He felt his slit open a little more than normal as he came in Chester’s hand, sticky drops landing on his stomach underneath him. 

Chester hung onto Ryan with his free hand, his fingers digging into the back of Ryan’s neck as he felt him release. It was enough to make Chester’s hips buck and his dick twitch twice as much. He could feel Ryan trembling on top of him as he came down from the orgasm. “It’s okay,” he whispered, caressing his friend’s neck instead of clinging to it. “It’s okay, Ry.” 

The sound of Chester soothing him was enough to bring Ryan down from the rafters. There had only been a second of doubt, a brief moral debate about what they were doing, before Ryan’s orgasm had hit. But hearing Chester tell him it was okay sent all of that away. He nodded, and turned his head to kiss Chester’s face, not once, but half a dozen times. He nuzzled his nose to his ear, and then another proper kiss as he sucked on Chester’s lip ring for a few thrilling seconds. “You ready?” he asked slowly as he let the jewelry go, his thoughts of bringing Chester to orgasm next already processing. 

“Mhm,” Chester whined as he let go of Ryan’s deflating cock. “So ready.” He knew what was coming, but it was still a small shock when Ryan lifted off of him, the loss of his weight and body heat sending a pout over Chester’s bottom lip, his piercing hanging extra low.

It caught Ryan’s attention, and he stopped before he got too far away. “That face,” he said in loving amusement. He reached, his fingers touching the silver hoop and ball over Chester’s lip. Their eye contact stayed for a moment before Ryan scooted down, spreading Chester’s legs a little further apart to get comfortable. He glanced over, catching sight of Jason halfway on top of Mike, and it wasn’t a surprise to see them together. The two of them were close, and Ryan had put them together already on a lot of levels, and this was just one more. He’d heard their voices faintly beside him as things had been going on with Chester, but it was muted in his mind. He hadn’t made out any words, just grunts and moans, and it registered in his mind that they were all having fun.

The sounds of Ryan and Chester together on the bed registered somewhere in Mike’s mind, but this time, he didn’t want to look. He didn’t want them to exist in the same room right now. He wanted Jason to keep touching him, and he wanted Jason’s mouth on him again. _Chester’s fine. He knows what we’re doing. He’s doing it, too. I want to feel it again. I want him._ He couldn’t remember how he’d lost his shirt - maybe he’d taken it off? - and now Jason’s fingers were lightly tracing over his stomach and sides as they stood together. Mike reached up behind him, his fingers meeting the side of Jason’s face as the light kisses to his neck continued. He wanted Jason, and the freedom of having that thought and not trying to pretend he didn’t was more intoxicating than the vodka. “Jay,” he whimpered, “let me sit down.” 

Jason’s eyes opened, his focus going to Ryan and Chester, and how consumed they were with each other. “On the bed, Mikey,” he whispered, his head spinning with desire. He’d barely touched Mike, but his cock was leaking, and Jason could remember how he tasted. This time, he was going to take Mike because he wanted to. The idea of Mike actually wanting him this time - the thought of making Mike squirm, of feeling his body react - had Jason’s insides excited. He bit back the frustrated groan that wanted to come when Mike took the two steps away from him and landed on the bed, his hands on either side of him as he sat up on the edge. 

The bed was moving. Mike could hear the whispers and moans from the other couple, and he reached out for Jason, pulling him between his legs as he whispered, “I want to feel good, too. I want to feel you again, Jay.” He ran his hands around Jason’s waist and pulled his shirt off before pulling him closer, craving contact. 

It was all the permission Jason needed as he bent forward, his hand going out to tilt Mike’s face up. He took a second to search Mike’s dark eyes, looking for any doubt, any shame, any trace of unwillingness before he leaned in and connected their lips, sucking in the warmth and softness. Jason felt Mike’s hands pulling him closer, and he didn’t stop himself from climbing onto the bed, his knees on either sides of Mike’s hips, but not touching him. Not yet. Just a few more inches and he’d be straddling the younger man, and Jason felt his cock jump with excitement. Both of them were still in their boxers as he made the decision, breaking the kiss and pressing a hand gently to Mike’s chest, coaxing him backwards. Mike’s eyes were heavy but Jason could see the recognition in them as he lay back, scooting up on the bed and just out of Jason’s reach. 

Mike nodded his head, his eyes focused on Jason. “Come on,” he whispered, sighing as Jason stretched out over him and finally pressed their bodies together. He could feel everything, even through the thin boxers they both were wearing, and Jason wasted no time taking another kiss, his tongue slick and needy between Mike’s lips. He pulled Jason’s hips down into his, and they both groaned softly into each other’s mouths at the wholly new feeling of their dicks pressing against each other. For a few moments there were no sounds other than their breathing and the sounds of their boyfriends together beside them, as Mike pressed Jason into him and Jason rocked against Mike’s body. 

It was overwhelming, the sensation of having Jason over him again, and the forbidden feelings swirling around what the four of them were doing. Mike’s lips were swollen from Jason’s kisses- not because he was rough but because of his facial hair, something Chester didn’t have. They tingled as he pressed them together while Jason moved down to kiss his neck, then across his chest, and it was obvious where things were headed. Mike’s hand found the top of Jason’s head and he nodded again, even though Jason couldn’t see him. “Yes, yes, Jay,” he panted as Jason stripped him of his red boxers. “You’re so good at that.”

Jason tossed Mike’s boxers to the floor and sat back on his knees, Mike’s hand falling to the blankets. His attention shifted for a moment to Ryan, naked on top of Chester, and for a second he wondered if they were fucking and he hadn’t noticed. He was aware enough to know they were all doing things they weren’t supposed to be doing, but nobody was protesting. In fact, everyone was completely willing, and Jason looked back at Mike. He ran his hand up Mike’s thigh, smiling as his knees fell open so easily, so different than last time. Jason was instantly back over him, one hand braced on the mattress beside Mike as he traced a finger through the precum on Mike’s stomach, holding his eyes as he lifted the finger to his mouth and tasted Mike again.

Mike’s eyes were heavy, lidded as he watched Jason do something so unexpected, and so sexy. “Please,” he begged, bucking his hips up toward Jason, “please.” 

Jason closed his eyes as he swallowed Mike’s taste, remembering. This time would be better. This time they both wanted it, and he was going to leave Mike wanting more. There had been enough time spent making sure there was consent, and he was ready to watch Mike come, ready to swallow him this time. He got comfortable on his knees, and kissed the tip of the cock in front of him before he let his tongue out to swirl over Mike’s length. Jason shuddered as Mike reacted, as his hips bucked up again and he moaned softly. He knew he couldn’t take his time and savor what he was doing so willingly for Mike, simply because Mike couldn’t hold on that long.

“Oh, Jason,” Mike whimpered as he felt Jason’s mouth finally surround him. It was better than he remembered, better than he’d fantasized about, and he was lost as Jason’s tongue prodded his slit, then licked up under his head. He reached down and found Jason’s hair, the top of his head moving gently as he lavished attention on Mike’s cock. He could feel his knees trembling as Jason took in more and more of his length, and his stomach clenched in anticipation. Knowing what Jason could do, and knowing that it was coming, put everything on ten. 

Mike’s skin was silky in Jason’s mouth. He couldn’t stop himself from pulling back to suck the precum away so he could taste Mike, even though every time he did, Mike whined. Just the sound of Mike’s impatience was a turn on, and combined with his feel and his taste, Jason _needed_ to touch himself. His hand was inside his boxers, stroking his hard cock, smearing his own precum as he did. Jason knew what Mike wanted. It was time to stop teasing them both. He put a hand on Mike’s hip, holding him still, and this time, Mike got the signal. He held as still as he could while Jason relaxed his throat, sliding his mouth all the way down Mike’s length.

The long, low moan from Mike almost pushed Jason over the edge. The hand he was stroking himself with paused, his head paused, everything froze as his throat constricted around the head of Mike’s cock. He waited just a moment, breathing in Mike’s scent through his nose, before he squeezed his lips around Mike’s shaft. 

Mike’s whole body was on the cusp of breaking. Nothing, nothing felt like being consumed by Jason. He wanted to push up into Jason’s mouth but he knew better. Jason’s hand pinned him down, and he waited, breathless, his head twisting back and forth on the mattress in pleasured agony. Then Jason moved, and the feeling of his throat, his mouth and his lips and his tongue, it was all too much. With a full body tremor Mike came suddenly, this time right down the back of Jason’s throat. He felt every constriction around the head of his dick as Jason swallowed his cum, and it seemed to last and last. Each swallow brought a new wave of pleasure over him, and Mike clawed at the blanket and at Jason’s hair, totally unaware how loudly he was moaning, again and again.

Jason rode out Mike’s orgasm, marveling a little at how long it lasted. By the time the tension left Mike’s body and Jason let him go, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He kissed the inside of Mike’s thigh, where his legs lay open, and raised himself up to look at Mike’s face. “Mike,” he whispered urgently, wanting him to watch, “you’re making me come, too.” All it took was Mike’s eyes opening, locking into his, and Jason’s orgasm hit hard. His head dropped forward toward Mike’s stomach as he came inside his boxers, and all over his hand. Jason pumped his hips forward into his hand a few times and then it was over. He breathed in deeply, trying to calm down, but his hands were trembling. He’d just gotten them both off, and this time, they’d both wanted it. They were finished, spent, and next to them, their boyfriends were still going. Jason closed his eyes and pulled his hand from his boxers, wiping it off before he wiggled out of them quickly and dropped down next to Mike.

Ryan’s gaze was fixed on Chester, who was looking down at him, his fingers rubbing over the small amount cum on his stomach. It sent tingles through Ryan, despite the fact that he’d already had his; watching Chester lick and play with his spilled essence was a turn on. “Now I get yours,” he mumbled to himself before he dropped his head. He knew it wasn’t going to take much. He’d already licked and kissed Chester’s cock before he’d gotten on top of him, and now it was only a matter of finishing what he started. The fact that Chester hadn’t had an orgasm in weeks would surely speed everything along as well. 

He bent his neck and opened his mouth, swallowing Chester’s length as much as he could, and he heard Chester moan because of it. Ryan shut his eyes, his tongue and lips making quick work up and down Chester’s shaft before he really got going. He wrapped his hand around the base of Chester’s dick, to simulate what he couldn’t physically do with his throat. He sucked, sending the left over half of Chester’s cock in and out of his mouth, until he stopped pulling back enough for the air to actually touch it. He could taste Chester’s pre-cum, and the way his cock twitched and moved inside his mouth, until he felt the larger movement, when Chester hit his orgasm, and the warm offering shot into Ryan’s mouth as Chester moaned his name. Ryan waited, not swallowing immediately, as Chester’s body finished, equalling three large jolts of cum. 

Ryan pulled back, his lips caressing Chester’s spent cock as he did, before he swallowed everything he’d been given. Chester’s legs had fallen flat on the mattress, and Ryan slid his hand all the way up his body before he crawled up and laid down next to him. It took him a second to recognize that all noise and movement from Mike and Jason had stopped, leaving the bed completely still. He shut his eyes, snuggling close to Chester’s warm body. “I want to stay right here,” he whispered, his arm over Chester’s stomach.

“Me too,” Chester whispered back. His body was drained, his mind already shutting down from exhaustion and the alcohol that was still running through him. He knew he only had seconds, the black behind his eyes pulling him under into a dead sleep like he hadn’t felt in ages. 

Mike didn’t hesitate to reach for Jason after he laid down next to him, bringing his dirty hand to his mouth and kissing Jason’s fingers before he pulled their naked bodies together. Jason felt completely different than Chester, his body more filled out and somehow softer, and Mike traced his hand over Jason’s hip. Part of him wanted to inspect the tattoo there now, but he was tired. There would be time for that conversation later. He leaned his forehead against Jason’s and closed his eyes. “That was… I don’t know what to say,” Mike admitted softly, the reality of what just happened and the fact that he’d just heard Chester finish behind him while calling for Ryan sinking in.

“Don’t say anything,” Jason whispered back, covering Mike’s lips with his own and kissing him slowly. He knew they were in trouble now, or at least he was. He wanted more. He wanted Mike Shinoda on his back, he wanted to be inside him, he wanted to make him come just so he could hear his voice. The sound of Mike’s voice was an addiction, one he’d indulged secretly many times. He knew that definitely wouldn’t stop now. 

Jason let Mike’s lips go, putting just an inch of space between them, nuzzling his nose to Mike’s facial hair. They’d talk about it in the morning. “Good night, Mikey,” he whispered, reaching down for Mike’s hand, and lacing their fingers together before he closed his eyes, Mike’s breaths warm on his cheek. 

****  
TBC


	15. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey everyone, happy Sunday! Surprise! And welcome to the longest author’s note ever. 
> 
> We know there’s been a lot of up and down feelings/distress over the last few chapters. We totally get that this story (as well as DD) is very heavy and in depth for a fanfiction. Believe us when we say, we never meant for it to go that way. It just sort of happened, and now we’re working hard to stay true to the characters we created and let them play out their lives. 
> 
> With that in mind, we wanted to share an email that we sent to one of the readers who was fretting over the direction this story has gone. We think this might help some of you, too. 
> 
> This is what we sent her: _As full-on Bennoda girls, we KNOW how hard this story is right now. Trust us. And it's going to get worse. It's going to get bad. BUT. And this is an important BUT, what comes after all the bad and the hurt, is SO much better than it was even back in DD. We can't go into detail, but let us tell you this. There was a moment (way down the line) after everything was settled that we both went - woah. We could feel the difference between Mike and Chester, after they came out the other side of everything. It was actually kinda amazing and a huge relief for us both. We know it's hard to tell sometimes, but we stressed through all of these middle chapters. We still stress over them. When we go back and read (and we do a lot) over the upcoming chapters, we still cry. We still text each other and talk about how awful this part is or how that part makes our hearts hurt. It's a lot. But we also talk about the results of all that hurt, and all the benefits that came from them (which you guys will get to see play out over the last part of the story). From an honest point of view, the current Mike and Chester relationship is not healthy. There's a lot that's broken, a lot that hurts them both. A lot of misunderstandings and desperation on both sides. Looking back over things after finishing the story, we decided things really needed to go the way they did to end up in the place they land. If certain things wouldn't have happened, other (worse) things would have, and there would have been no return from them. So hang in there. We totally get if you need to stop reading, but we really hope you stay with it. We know it's hard, but the hard is important for what's coming. _
> 
> _Sometimes it takes something massively painful to make you realize how much you love someone. That's the takeaway from this story. _
> 
> _We really like how everything plays out, and we're hoping it doesn't come off as cheap. We really don't. A lot of emotion from both sides went into it, and we hope that shows._
> 
> Hopefully this will give some of you some reassurance. Yes, this IS a Bennoda story. Because the next handful of chapters are really, really hard on all the Bennoda hearts out there, we’ve decided to update twice a week (Wednesday and Sunday) to get you guys through the hard stuff faster. We know that’s a lot of updating and a lot of reading, but we’ve had people ask us to speed it along, and we think that for now, that’s best. Everything is already written, so updates are easy to stay on schedule.

It was too quiet in the loft. Mike lay on his stomach on the end of the bed, his feet hanging off, with Chester an arms length away. They were facing each other, with Ryan close behind Chester, his hand on Chester’s hip. Jason was behind Mike, against the headboard, his back resting against both pillows as he slept with Ryan’s pajama pants balled up under his head. Nobody moved as the sun came up, spilling light unapologetically into the loft, shining on the forgotten cups from the night before. Chilly ocean air blew in from the windows that had been left open as clothing was shed and tattoos were examined, and things got out of hand.

Mike slowly became aware that he wasn’t comfortable. The arm resting under his head as a makeshift pillow had fallen asleep, and his head was aching. He was cold. And when he opened his eyes a sliver, the light actually hurt. He groaned, pulling one arm over his eyes as he tried to move the other one, and pins and needles pricked under his skin while the blood started to flow again. _It’s cold. My head is hammering. Fuck. This is why I don’t drink._

A rush of memories, pieces he could remember from last night hit him all at once. The heavy card game that finally turned silly, and then tattoos came up. The way clothes came off, the touching, the kissing, and the blowjob. His boyfriend’s moans that weren’t because of him. The way he watched Jason jerk himself off, the way he listened to Chester come, the way Jason had swallowed his orgasm. The way his fingers had tightened in Jason’s hair. The way Jason looked at him. 

_God. What were we thinking? We were all way too drunk. I can’t believe we did that. I can’t believe I let Jason do that, with Ches right there. I can’t believe I let Ryan touch Ches._ Slowly Mike pushed up on the bed and looked around. His breathing stopped as he focused on Chester, passed out with Ryan so close to him. Their naked bodies weren’t touching anywhere but where Ryan’s hand lay gently across Chester’s hip, but he couldn’t stop looking at them. Somehow, without stifling Chester’s space, Ryan was protecting him. It was an art Mike had never perfected. 

He sat all the way up, his head still spinning, and twisted around to look at Jason. Ryan’s gray and white checkered pajama pants were providing a makeshift pillow and he lay on his side, breathing through his mouth. Mike could see the tattoo on his hip now that it had been pointed out - the one Ryan claimed was the Japanese symbols for _film_, but Mike knew better. He’d known the symbols immediately when he saw it the night before, and he knew the first moment he got Jason alone, they were discussing that tattoo, and the circumstances that led to his branding.

But right now, he needed some Advil. Maybe coffee, or juice, but definitely Advil. And some clothes. Mike stood up from the bed gingerly, keeping a hand on the mattress to steady himself as he looked around, spying his underwear and jeans on the floor. Bending over to get them was a different ordeal. His head was spinning when he straightened up, stepping over to the couch to put on his clothes before he went into the kitchen. 

As quietly as he could, he found the pills, tapping a few out into his palm and downing them with water before he decided to start coffee. If he felt as bad as he did, he knew the others would too. Even though they all had more experience with alcohol than he did, they’d all also drank twice as much. He set the Advil on the table while he waited for the coffee to brew. His arms were crossed over his bare chest and he leaned against the counter next to the coffee maker, looking out over the bar at the threesome on the bed. He saw Jason stirring, and Mike hoped he would be awake next. He wanted to talk about the tattoo.

Jason eased his eyes open. Waking up sideways in the bed disoriented him for a moment. He heard the faint sounds of someone trying to be quiet in the kitchen, and lifted his head. He was naked. Ryan was naked, and Chester was naked. _We all fell asleep afterwards. It’s going to be awkward when everyone wakes up. It’s going to be weird between me and Mike. It’s going to be weird with all of us. But Mike… he can’t pretend he didn’t want me last night. He can’t pretend he’s not feeling something._ He sat up and then got off the bed with Ryan’s pajama pants in his hand. Jason stepped into them, then pulled a blanket from the couch and covered Ryan and Chester with it. If he knew them the way he thought he did, they’d be sleeping things off a little while longer. It left him time to go to Mike.

He turned from covering Ryan and Chester right into Mike, who had crept up behind him. Without a word, Mike reached for Jason’s hand, nodding toward the kitchen, and Jason followed him willingly. 

Mike looked over his shoulder, letting go of Jason’s hand in the process before he whispered, “how’s your head? Mine’s killing me. I’ll grab you the Advil if you need it.”

“It’s fine,” Jason whispered back. A little hangover headache was nothing compared to other physical pain he’d endured in the past several years. He was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Mike after what happened last night. “Thanks for making coffee.” He reached up and moved Mike’s hair from his eyes, a little startled at the intensity with which Mike was watching him. “What?” he asked, unable to look away.

“I want to ask you something, Jay. Something from the game last night.”

Jason hesitated. He knew what Mike wanted to know just from the look in his eyes. “You know we said no questions.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about that,” Mike hissed suddenly, his finger pointing at Jason’s hip. “Tell me why you lied. Tell me why you have _slave_ scarred into your skin.”

There was a heavy silence between them. Jason could hear his heartbeat underneath the sound of Mike’s heavy breaths. He didn’t want to get into it. Even Ryan didn’t know the story.

“Jay. I know it doesn’t say film. And you know I won’t tell them. But you have to tell me. When and why. I have to know.” Mike took a step closer, and Jason put out his hand to stop the advance, his palm landing on the warm skin between Mike’s nipples.

“Don’t,” he hissed back, tapping his hand on Mike’s chest. “That’s not how this is going to go with us. You’re going to give me space if you want to hear this story. You’re not going to call the shots with me.” 

Mike’s intense stare changed to surprise. “I, I know that. I’ve never tried,” he fumbled, reaching up to cover Jason’s hand with his own. “Not with you, not ever. And I’m trying to be better with him, Jay. And now, after last night… I don’t want Ches to be looking at Ryan for something I can’t give him. You don’t want that either, right? I mean, none of us meant for that to happen last night.”

Jason felt the sting of disappointment he knew he shouldn’t feel as Mike tried to shrug off their ecstasy in bed. _He still thinks whatever is between us is nothing. He’s still denying it._ He couldn’t deal with that now. Mike could deny all he wanted, but Jason felt it. He’d seen it in Mike’s eyes. There was something else there. _He’s right to deny it. This shouldn’t go past last night._ He opened his mouth to agree, but instead he countered Mike’s question. “It _did_ happen, and don’t you try to act like you didn’t want it this time.”

“Of course I wanted it.” Mike reacted instantly, his face showing traces of the desire he’d shown last night. “We were there in the moment, and I wanted you, Jay. I, I’d do it again,” he admitted, holding their eye contact. 

“Me too… your voice,” Jason whispered, “your voice turns me on like crazy. I’d do it again just to hear you come for me.” His voice was barely audible, but he could see that Mike heard the words. 

They were both silent, internally battling themselves to not take things too far, to not let last night continue, but Mike was weak when it came to thoughts of Jason’s kisses, his lips, his touches. He wanted more - he’d admitted that much - and so had Jason. He licked his bottom lip and leaned in close, taunting, “if you want me like that, then tell me your secrets, Jay. Tell me about that tattoo.” Mike let go of Jason’s hand and tugged at the drawstring on Ryan’s pajama pants. 

Jason blew out a slow breath and slid his hand down Mike’s chest, letting it fall away as it got to the waistband of Mike’s jeans. He held Mike’s eyes as he pulled his hand back and pushed down the side of Ryan’s pajama pants, his fingers going to the tightly connected Japanese symbols on his hip. After all these years of being ashamed of Mark’s branding, Jason knew exactly where it was without looking. “Go ahead,” he whispered. “Look at it.”

Mike blinked once, slowly, as though he were still waking up. Despite his spinning head, he knelt to the floor and carefully touched the tattoo as Jason kept his eyes straight ahead, memorizing the look of Ryan and Chester’s heads so close on the mattress.

“It really does say _slave_,” Mike breathed, his voice tight. “_He_ did this, didn’t he, Jay? And you still try to protect him. Someone who loves you would never mark you this way.” He looked up, his fingers on Jason’s warm skin, tracing over the tattoo.

“You’ve never marked anyone you love?” Jason asked bitterly, his eyes going over Mike’s head to Chester on the bed, and Mike cringed.

“Not on purpose. Not in anger. Not like this,” Mike denied, shaking his head. Any thought that he could be anything like Mark Wakefield made him feel sick. 

“Would you mark me, Mikey? If things had gone differently with us last night, could you have lost control and done something you’d regret?” He watched Mike’s cheeks flush but couldn’t stop himself from pressing on. “Would you understand when I said he didn’t have control when he took me, when he made them put this on me?” Jason looked down, touching the side of Mike’s face gently. “He couldn’t help it, Mike, he loved me, and I was his. When I tried to leave, he couldn’t handle it. He brought me back, and he wanted to be sure I never forgot who I served.”

“I would never-” Mike started, and Jason shushed him with a fingertip and a gentle shake of his head.

“I know that. But you understand why now, don’t you? I was his possession. I’ll never be treated like a possession again. Listen to me, Mike, don’t treat anyone like that. Don’t make them lose who they are. I’m just now finding myself again.” Jason closed his eyes to hold back the threatening tears. “Deep down, everyone just wants to be valued, not owned. Not made to feel like they’re nothing.” 

Mike stood up suddenly, his hand going automatically behind Jason’s head to cup his neck, and then he was kissing Jason, a soft kiss that sucked lightly on his full bottom lip and only lasted long enough to comfort them both a little. Jason pulled away first, his dark brown eyes almost black. He didn’t know what to say to Mike’s kiss. Part of him had been hoping to kiss Mike again, sober this morning instead of drunk off vodka. It was exactly as sweet and warm as he remembered, and his thoughts crashed around as he fought with himself between wanting more and stopping them. He knew he should. He shook his head at Mike, but Mike was all serious as his fingers curled around Jason’s neck, gently pulling him closer. 

They looked at each other for a moment before Mike leaned in again, brushing his lips over Jason’s tenderly before he whispered in his ear, “I don’t want to be like him. I’m working on that. I’ve made mistakes but I won’t do it again. No handcuffs, no restraints, nothing that can hurt… no choking. I’ve learned my lesson, Jay, and you’re right. Nobody deserves that. I’m sorry it happened to you, too.”

For a second, Jason hesitated. He’d drank to the choking question the night before just to assuage Mike’s guilt, and it seemed counterproductive to admit now that he lied. But of all the things Mark had done to him, of all the marks that had been left visibly and emotionally, his husband had never restrained him to the point that he couldn’t breathe. Despite everything, he’d never been close to passing out, though sometimes he’d wished for the respite. It seemed wrong to let Mike be upset over something that had never happened, especially when Mike had asked him to tell his secrets.

Jason pulled back and looked at Mike. His eyes were deep with guilt and sorrow, something Jason couldn’t recall ever seeing from Mark. He took a deep breath. “He wasn’t all awful, and neither are you. I know what happened with Chaz was an accident. I know you wouldn’t hurt him on purpose.” Jason looked down at the small space between them, their feet so close they were alternating on the floor. “I lied,” he confessed. “Last night. I didn’t want you to beat yourself up over it so much. It’s easy to get carried away, right? I wanted you to stop feeling so guilty. We all make mistakes, Mike.”

Mike took half a step back. “You lied? About something like that? Something you know upsets Ryan so much?” He shook his head, his fingertips tracing over the neat hairline at the nape of Jason’s neck. “You didn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t have done that.” 

“I just couldn’t stand the look on your face,” Jason whispered, his eyes going up to connect with Mike’s again as he touched the side of his face. “You looked so guilty and sad. I wanted to make it better.” He let his fingers trace over Mike’s cheek and then to his ear, where he dared to brush over the hoop earring, then up behind his ear. He watched Mike’s eyes slide closed with a shiver, the way he always did when Chester touched him there, the way Jason imagined had happened when he was behind him last night. “Stop feeling so guilty.” 

Jason’s whisper was barely there, just a hint of breath against Mike’s face. _He knew how Ryan would feel about that, and he lied anyway. He lied for me._ A feeling of gratitude hit him suddenly, and Mike turned his lips into Jason’s again, feathering another barely there kiss that was merely a thank you, until Jason’s fingers dug into his hair and pressed them closer together. 

On the bed, Chester slid his eyes open, but only for a second. The harsh sunlight sent him ducking his head into his arm. He could feel his feet hanging off the bed, and a hand on his hip, both things only partially registering. He could tell he was downstairs, and the fog over his hungover mind was still thick as he tried to remember why. Blacking out because he’d had too much to drink wasn’t unusual for him. He would reach a certain level of alcohol intake, and that’s where the memories would stop. Everything else was dark, like it was down a deep hole and he couldn’t see it. 

_The cards. I remember playing the game. And drinking screwdrivers. And we got on the bed, and we started stripping...but why?_ It was hard to remember as Chester searched his aching mind. He remembered telling everyone they couldn’t ask questions when someone would take a drink. He remembered them all laughing over the silly ones, and when they’d gotten to the card about choking. 

The memory was sudden, and Chester’s thoughts felt like they weighed a ton. The look that had been on Mike’s face when Chester had taken his drink on that card - the look he’d tried to avoid seeing. The gentle and reassuring caress to his naked back that had come from Ryan in that moment, and the way his friend had tried so hard to keep the card away in the first place. 

On the surface, Chester blamed it on the sunlight, but in that moment, he rolled over and right into Ryan’s arms. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know it was him. He knew him by his smell, the feel of his embrace, the sound of his light breathing while he slept. Chester slid his arm over Ryan’s naked side, and nuzzled his face against his chest, and let out a sigh. _I think we’re still naked. Wait, still?_ It was like a tidal wave of memory. Last night’s events crashed over Chester in an instant - lying on the bed with Ryan, upside down as they’d watched Mike strip. Mike leaning over him while Ryan was between his legs. And then Mike was gone, and Ryan had stripped them both of their underwear. The very clear memory of the pleasure that had happened afterward struck. The way Ryan had climbed on top of him, and he’d pulled Ryan’s orgasm from him by his hand alone. The kisses - soft kisses he’d missed sharing with Ryan over the last year. And words, there had been murmurings of endearments between them. And then there had been his own orgasm. Ryan’s lips had wrapped around his cock as he came hard, his first release in over two weeks. It had happened so naturally, and for a moment Chester had to wonder if it had been the influence of the alcohol, or all things Ryan Shuck that had made his insides coil so tightly and then spring open wildly in the uncontrollable rush that had made him moan and call Ryan’s name.

_And Mike._ The memory of his boyfriend hit next. Usually when Ryan got too close, Mike was right there, pushing him away and shaming Chester for it. _But not last night. He let it happen. He was right there...I remember seeing him. He...he was was with Jason._ Chester’s nose and face scrunched for a second. The thought of Jason and sex wasn’t something he was used to thinking about. He was Ryan’s boyfriend, and Mark’s husband. Even now that Ryan and Jason lived at the loft, and had sex on a regular basis - sex Chester often heard and even sometimes caught glimpes of - that wasn’t the same thing as being right next to him on the bed while it was happening. Jason was a far away guy - behind the camera, across the room, on a different floor. _But he was right here...he and Mike were doing stuff right beside us. He went down on Mike. I saw it. God, what were we thinking? Were they that drunk? Or, I know they’ve gotten close. Maybe closer than I thought. Closer than Ry thought._

Chester opened his eyes and he was met with Ryan’s pale chest, the first bit of color he saw was the little pink nipple close by. _I guess everyone’s okay though. If Mike wasn’t okay, he’d tell me. He, he would have stopped us if he wasn’t okay with it._ He squeezed his eyes shut again before he lifted his head, forcing himself to keep his eyes open as he scanned the downstairs. He could see Mike and Jason in the kitchen, the two of them standing close as they spoke, but Chester couldn’t hear what they were saying. He briefly studied the look on his boyfriend’s face. It wasn’t angry or hurt. He didn’t even look regretful. 

_Good._ Chester dropped his head, snuggling back up to Ryan, blocking out the sun and relishing in the warmth. _I should get up. He won’t let me stay over here for long. But I’m comfortable...and my head hurts. I should know better than to drink so much. Damn those questions. I’ve done too much stupid crap in my life. Games like that will always submarine me. But we were all drinking. Even Mike...even though we made him take double shots so he could keep up with us._

His last thought stuck. His boyfriend - the virgin when he’d met him, the artistic boy with heaps of musical talent and a well-to-do family - didn’t have half the life experience in all things careless like Chester, Ryan and Jason did. It was a sinking feeling as Chester pulled Ryan a little closer, their bodies pressed together. Ryan understood things, things he knew Mike never would. Things Mike judged him for. _And that’s probably never going to change._

It was a sobering thought, one that Chester had tiptoed around before, but had never thought about it so directly. His background was very similar to Ryan’s, and Jason’s, too, to a lesser degree, but he was the only one Mike seemed to hold it against, and Chester wasn’t sure why. It was the beginning of self-pity, and Chester was on the verge of wallowing around in the thoughts and theories that would only lead to bad places, just as he felt a gentle kiss on the top of his head. 

“I feel you worrying,” Ryan whispered before he pressed another soft kiss to Chester’s forehead. “Be nice to yourself, Chazzy. Please.” 

“If you insist,” Chester said, the sarcasm thick in his voice. He knew he would talk about everything in depth with Ryan later, but right now wasn’t the time. Mike and Jason were close by, and he and Ryan were naked on the bed, under a blanket. The irony struck him in that moment of how many times he’d been naked on a bed with Ryan in front of Jason over the years, but this time they were covered with a blanket. _Where did that come from?_

“I’m not insisting. I said please,” Ryan mumbled. His body was tired, and his head was pounding. Part of him wanted to stay right where they were, with Chester close and the warmth and comfort of the bed and blanket all around him. He could smell the ocean breeze coming through the open windows, and the quiet of the loft, with Chester cradled in his arms. It was just about perfect. 

But the other part of him needed to get up. He needed to pee. He wanted the coffee he could smell wafting through the loft as it threatened to overpower the fresh air, and he needed to find Jason. What happened last night hadn’t been planned by any of them, and even though he’d seen Jason doing things with Mike - things right along side of him and Chester - the need to make sure Jason was okay was important. His boyfriend’s past wasn’t a pleasant one. It was full of pain and hurt from watching Mark cheat, and that was the last thing Ryan wanted to do. _But it wasn’t just me and Chaz. Jason was all over Mike. God. I actually had sex with Mike Shinoda right here...kind of sex. It was so good, though. I’ve missed Chaz so much like that. And he let me. He was actually able to have one. He was hard. He came. He enjoyed the hell out of it. I did that._ The thought brought the largest smile to Ryan’s lips. 

He feathered his fingers over Chester’s back, before he kissed him again, a barely there graze of his lips over Chester’s before he said, “Gotta get up, Chazzy. Bathroom, then coffee.” 

“I want to go to the bathroom,” Chester practically whined. “Carry me?” 

Ryan busted into laughter. “I could,” he said, his eyes open now as Chester pulled back so they could look at each other. “Which do you prefer? Slung over my shoulder or bridal style?” It was a joke, one Chester had started, and Ryan was ready for whatever witty thing was about to come out of his friend’s mouth.

“Bridal style, of course,” Chester stated without issue. He went to say more, but stopped, his gaze caught in Ryan’s blue eyes. The morning light bounced off of them, leaving them two shades paler than usual. “Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?” he whispered. He had no idea where Mike was at this point. He could hear his boyfriend and Jason, their voices low, so he knew they were whispering, too. Probably still in the kitchen. But Chester couldn’t help it. His hand lifted from Ryan’s side to stroke over his scruffy jawline. 

“You have,” Ryan told him, his insides tingling from Chester’s soft, familiar touch. “But it’s been awhile.” 

“I’m a terrible friend. I should tell you more often.” His fingers slid from Ryan’s scruff, around to his lips. 

It was instinct. Ryan kissed Chester’s fingers before saying, “Come on. I’ll carry your hungover ass to the bathroom.” 

They sat up almost unison, both of them moving slowly in between groans. The blanket was thrown off, and Ryan was on his feet first, pulling Chester up. “Sure you don’t want to walk?” he asked. 

“Forget that,” Chester was quick to say. “Just don’t drop me.”

“When have I ever dropped you?” 

“Well, never,” Chester admitted, and that was it. He slung one arm around Ryan’s neck and did a little jump. Ryan caught under his legs and scooped him up. Chester was already giggling as he hung on, and pressed his head to Ryan’s shoulder. They were both still naked, but it didn’t matter. They would get dressed after the bathroom. Chester caught a glimpse of Mike as they went, but nothing was said as they disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind them. 

As soon as movement came from the bed in the corner, Jason took a step back from Mike, his hands automatically fixing Ryan’s pajama pants back into place on his hips. _He kissed me. On his own. Not because we were high, or drunk._ His thoughts were a little scrambled, a combination of the headache and the surprise of the whole conversation with Mike in the kitchen and the night before. “Mike,” he whispered, but then he saw Ryan stand and pull Chester up from the bed with him. 

Mike turned to follow Jason’s gaze, watching as Ryan lifted his boyfriend from the bed and carried him across the loft to the bathroom. All thoughts of kissing Jason were gone in the immediacy of what was happening with Chester. He watched Ryan disappear into the bathroom with Chester in his arms and his instinct was to follow, to open the door and find out what was wrong with his boyfriend, but he hesitated. He’d just had Jason in his arms, and what he’d done was definitely past the line. Mike raised his hand, scratching over his beard, as he tried to sort out his thoughts. “We drank too much last night,” he finally concluded, looking over at Jason. “Chester can’t even walk this morning.”

Jason turned away from Mike, his attention on the coffee as he poured out four equal mugs full of the steaming hot liquid. “He’ll be fine. It’s not the first time he’s been carried to the bathroom the morning after.” He couldn’t shake the memory of Mike’s kiss, and the way he’d insisted he would never hurt anyone again. _I’m not sure that’s a promise he could keep. He’s struggling to give Chaz some breathing room. Would it be different with us? Why am I even thinking about this? I’ve made a promise to Ryan, and I’m not going to be like Mark._ He reached for the sugar and added it to one of the mugs, then handed it to Mike without looking at him. “Here. Make Chaz’s.”

Mike took the sugar without comment, then the cream when Jason passed it to him. He stirred it together, checking for the correct light caramel color, as he wondered what was happening behind the closed bathroom door. 

Ryan set Chester down gently. “You can go first,” he offered, gesturing to the toilet. He didn’t watch as Chester stood in front of the bowl, the sound of urinating filling the space for a few seconds before Ryan turned on the sink. He splashed water on his face, studying the red tint around the corner of his eyes. “We gotta not drink like that,” he mumbled as he heard the toilet flush. 

“I actually remember almost everything,” Chester said as he and Ryan scooted by each other to trade places in the small bathroom. The water was still on, and Chester washed his hands. “So guess I wasn’t quite to my drinking limit. I remember getting a hell of a blow job.” The moment the words were out of his mouth, he looked over, just in time to see Ryan flushing the toilet. 

For a few seconds, the only sound in the bathroom was of running water. The night had gotten away from all of them, and now it was time to own all the choices that had happened out on the big bed in the corner of the living room. “And I remember getting one of your expert hand jobs,” Ryan stated with a slow look Chester’s way. Their eyes connected, and they both smiled. “But the best part was just being close to you.” Ryan took the sideways step over, nudging Chester a little so he could have room to wash his hands. 

“I liked being close, too,” Chester agreed as he watched Ryan through the mirror. They were both still naked, and under the bright bathroom lights, Ryan’s skin looked extra pale, which made his tattoos stand out even more. Before he knew it, Chester’s hand was stroking up and down the small of Ryan’s back. “What happens now?” he whispered, like he was suddenly worried someone would hear them. “Mike and Jay...they were…”

“I know,” Ryan agreed softly. His shoulders slumped a little as that part of the night came to mind. “Guess we were all into being close last night. They didn’t stop us, and we didn’t stop them, so I guess that means we’re all okay.” He turned, and Chester’s hand slid with him, resting on his stomach now. “It was worth it,” he stated simply before he tilted his head, his hand going to Chester’s face. He leaned in, and shut his eyes with no fear of rejection. He knew Chester would not only allow the soft kiss, but he would kiss back. 

“So what’s the plan?” Chester whispered as their lips parted. “What do we say to them?” 

“I’m not sure. We should just act normal.” Ryan looked down at himself. “We should probably get dressed,” he added before he looked up in amusement. 

Chester nodded. “I am feeling a little exposed here,” he chuckled, before his hand clutched onto Ryan’s belly, not letting him turn to leave the bathroom just yet. “I didn’t know that was going to happen last night,” he admitted, his eyes dropping to the sliver of space between them. “With the meds, and my insides are all unpredictable now. That was the first time, you know...since I started them.” 

Ryan smiled before he leaned forward to place a chaste kiss to Chester’s forehead. “I know, Chazzy.” The thought to give Chester one last real kiss crossed Ryan’s mind, but he stopped himself. Kisses in the bathroom while they were naked probably wasn’t a good idea. Especially with their boyfriends just on the other side of the door, making coffee. “Come on,” he said as he stepped away and opened the door, offering for Chester to go out first. 

Chester only glanced toward the kitchen before he led the way to the bed, searching for his clothes. Ryan was quick to announce that his pajama pants from the night before were gone, and he pulled a pair of black sweatpants from a clean pile, just as Chester found his jeans. A second later Chester found his underwear, and pulled both on. His black t-shirt was all the way over by the bottom of the staircase, and Chester had no idea how it had gotten there. 

He pulled it on before he headed toward the kitchen. He was ready for coffee, and he wanted to tell Mike good morning. After everything that happened, he had no idea where they actually stood on things. He’d spent the bulk of their relationship living with Mike’s constant jealousy, and his suspicions about the nature of Chester’s relationship with Ryan. _And last night surely doesn’t help that. But Ry’s right. He didn’t stop us. And he was doing his own thing, too._ He saw Ryan pull a black tank top on out of the corner of his eye before he walked up to Mike. “Is that for me?” he mumbled, his eyes half shut as he hid from the sunlight. 

Jason watched Mike reach out, his hands going right around Chester’s hips and he nodded his head. He looked away, his focus going to Ryan as he made his way into the kitchen. He didn’t quite know what to say. Last night had been out of character of all of them, and this morning he’d told Mike Shinoda two things that Ryan didn’t know. He’d admitted a shameful secret that, if anyone should have known, it should have been Ryan… but for some reason, Jason had told Mike instead. He’d admitted he lied to excuse Mike’s actions. And they had kissed again. More than once. He hoped the guilt didn’t show on his face.

Mike pulled Chester in close to him. “Morning, Ches.” He stopped himself from the normal interrogations. _How are you feeling, babe? You need me to get you anything other than coffee? Toast? Advil?_ Mike had learned that less was more when Chester wasn’t feeling well. He spread his hands over his boyfriend’s back and snuggled him for a second before he let go and handed him the mug he’d poured just the right amount of sugar and cream into. 

“Thank you, Sexy Boy,” Chester told him, his voice low with a slight crack to it. He managed to kiss Mike on the cheek before announcing he needed his sunglasses. “I understand vampires on a whole new level now,” he said as he took a quick sip of coffee before he set it on the table and headed upstairs to grab his sunglasses. The plan was simple. He was going to slouch at the table, drink his coffee and then he was going to crash someplace for a few hours until his stomach quieted down and his head quit pounding. All the way up the stairs, he silently vowed to himself to never drink another screwdriver. Well, at least not for awhile. 

Ryan already had his coffee, taking more than a sip. “Thanks, Jay,” he said, before cocking his eyebrow. “That’s where my pants went.” He pointed at Jason’s hip. “And here I thought I was losing my mind.” He pulled his boyfriend into a quick side hug before scooting out of the kitchen to take a seat at the table, holding one hand up to the side of his face to block the sunlight. He tried to keep from looking at Mike. He could already feel the awkwardness starting to form. _Maybe we just won’t talk about it. What is there to say about it anyway? We were all doing what we wanted...I hope. I do want to ask Jay a few questions from the game though. But not until we’re alone. He surprised me a few times last night._

Mike watched as Jason didn’t know what to do with his hands, or where to look. Their moment in the kitchen was the most intimate conversation they had ever had, and Mike dared to think how far things might have gone if Chester and Ryan had stayed passed out on the bed. _He had his hand in my hair. He was pulling on it. If we’d been alone, if it had been like that other time… we might not have stopped._ The thought surprised him, and he felt his cheeks flush. _It’s so wrong. I don’t know why we fall into those places together._

He took his coffee and walked over to the windows for some air. Mike heard Jason sit down at the table with Ryan, and he ignored what they were saying. His head was still aching, he was worrying over Chester, and now there was the added stress of having kissed Jason in the kitchen. He waited to turn around until he heard Chester make it back downstairs and pull out a chair with a groan. Avoiding both Jason and Ryan’s eyes, he turned to see everyone on different sides of the table - Chester across from Jason, and an open seat between the two of them and across from Ryan. With a sigh he took the obvious empty chair, pushing Chester’s mug closer to where he’d sat down. 

“Want it?” he asked, smiling at the sight of Chester with his sunglasses on at the table. 

“Yes,” Chester said, taking the cup. “I really need this...chase away the hangover.” 

Ryan had both hands wrapped around his hot coffee cup. He’d already sipped away almost half of it. With the four of them sitting at the table, the air felt uncomfortable, and Ryan squirmed in his chair, tugging at his black tank top and fighting to keep his eyes shielded from the sun. He knew that the plan was to act normal, but he wanted to ask Jason a few questions in private, and he was hoping maybe Mike would convince Chester to head upstairs to lay down for awhile. _I want to make sure everything’s okay. Jay looks like he’s worried...or just feeling weird, maybe? I know it’s been a long time since he’s been in a group sex situation. God. We should never all drink like that together again. And those questions. The choking._ His thoughts wound around to Mark, and his eyebrows pulled together. _It would have had to of been Mark...but Mark wasn’t into that. Not to the point of choking. Unless he means during a fight._ He took a hard swallow; his frown turned to concern as he looked Jason over. He’d seen random bruises show up on his lover before, but never on his neck. Necks were public things, everyone could see them. It would be out of character for the late YRS owner to be so careless. _Or maybe it was someone before Mark. Jason doesn’t really talk about life before Mark very often._

Ryan fidgeted with his fingers before he decided maybe breakfast was in order. There was no way Chester was up for cooking, and food would probably do them both good. “Do you feel like eating?” Ryan asked Jason softly. “We can go out to some place close. The breakfast place,” he suggested. 

Jason blew out a long breath. He didn’t particularly want to go out, and his instinct told him that some distance from last night and the morning would be good. His eyes skipped over to Mike, then to Chester before he reached out for Ryan’s hand. “No, I don’t think so. I think we should all talk. About last night.” He laced their fingers together and sipped his coffee. 

Nobody said anything, and Jason sighed in frustration. “Look, we can’t just sit here and have coffee and act like last night didn’t happen. That’s not fair to anyone. We’re all adults, and nobody was saying no. Right? Nobody stopped anything.” He looked at each face around the table, but it was impossible to read anything in the hungover expressions of his friends. They were going to have to talk about it. 

Behind his sunglasses, Chester was thinking back. It had all felt so natural, first the laughter, and the tickling and touches, and then only Ryan had been there, and that hadn’t felt wrong. It had been the opposite, and Chester had wanted it. “We didn’t say no,” he said in a low voice, staring down at his coffee in privacy from the eyes around the table. “I think...I think we all had fun, right?” He looked up, his attention going to Mike, who seemed to be extra quiet.

Mike swallowed reflexively. He could feel Chester looking at him, and he knew what his boyfriend was really trying to say. _Is everything okay with us._ He couldn’t deny he’d had a good time with Jason, but that was less important than the fact that Chester had felt good. That he had been able to enjoy what was happening. It stung a little that it was with Ryan and not him, but how could he hold that against Chester when it had been such a topic of distress between them? Ultimately, Chester had been able to get off, he’d gotten off, and nobody seemed unhappy about it. Mike finally nodded his head. “It _was_ fun, I just… well, I don’t want anyone to be upset.” He looked up, right across the table into Ryan’s eyes before he cleared his throat nervously. “At least it was all out in the open, right? We all knew who was doing what with who. No secrets.” 

Ryan held Mike’s eyes as he nodded. “Right. No need to hide anything.” He wasn’t exactly sure what Mike was trying to imply by that comment. _Because me and Jay had to hide from Mark? Is that what he’s thinking? This is nothing like that._ He let out a breath before he looked away, swinging his gaze to Chester first, who was sipping his coffee, before he looked at Jason. “I think we’re all very ready for everything to be out in the open. Plus, this isn’t exactly a big space.” He motioned around the loft. “We’ve been hearing each other for months and this was kinda like a step past that.” He wasn’t sure if anything he’d just said made sense. 

Jason felt his cheeks burn as Ryan mentioned the small space. To say they could all hear each other was an understatement. It had been a source of tension between Ryan and Mike, yet they were talking calmly now. “A big step past that,” he filled in, and they all lapsed into silence again. He wasn’t even sure if he should say the next thing on his mind, but Ryan hadn’t moved his hand away yet, and everyone seemed to be open to the discussion, so he decided to just go for it. “What happens now?” he asked cautiously. “Is it just back to how things were? Or… or… could something like last night happen again?” 

Chester instantly looked Mike’s way, and he didn’t miss that Jason and Ryan did the same. It was no secret between them that Mike was the most prudish of the group. He was the one who valued privacy, the one who had marched around YRS on his own personal mission to keep Chester to himself. It was obvious that he was going to have to give his approval or his rejection right here. “I know for me,” Chester decided to say before Mike had said anything, “being close with Ryan has always just been how it is. I told Mike awhile ago that you’re physically affectionate.” He pulled his sunglasses off to look Ryan in the eyes. “Last night, at least for us, stemmed from that.” He motioned between the two of them. 

“And that’s what you want,” Mike said softly. He didn’t know what to say about him and Jason. They didn’t have years of shared history to fall back on and explain what they’d done. He knew that putting his foot down on Chester’s relationship with Ryan had never really worked, though, and maybe there was a solution to that in all of this. If they were all together, if they were all consenting, then what was there to be jealous of? “Maybe that’s just how it is, then. Maybe Ryan is what you need sometimes.” Mike couldn’t really believe he’d just said those words, but they had come out of his mouth, and there was no taking them back now. 

Chester’s attention shot right to his boyfriend. “Well, no, that’s not what I meant,” he defended, caution thick in his voice. “I was just saying that it’s normal for us. No,” he said quickly, shaking his head, his hand going out toward Mike. “Not normal. Last night wasn’t normal. I just mean, we know each other and...our walls were down, and it went further than usual.” Chester let out a huff as he looked away. None of that sounded right, and he crossed his arms as he sat back in his chair. “Explain it, Ry, I just keep fucking it up.” 

Ryan moved his coffee cup out of the way, his one hand still linked to Jason’s, and he squeezed it before he said, “I think what Chaz is trying to say, is that nothing we did last night was malicious or scandalous, it was just us. And we both made sure you guys were into what was going on before we went forward. Even with all the alcohol.” He looked at Jason, studying his dark eyes, the serious expression on his face. Jason’s hair was messy looking, a sign of the unusual circumstances they’d all found themselves in that morning. “I agree with Mike,” he said suddenly as he shifted his attention across the table. “As long as there’s no hurt feelings, there’s nothing wrong with everyone being happy. Nobody wants to hurt anyone here.” 

Jason held his breath as he watched Ryan and Mike hold eye contact for a few seconds. Nothing really seemed to be coming across clearly. He wanted definitive answers, but it didn’t look like they were going to get to that point together. Nobody really wanted to admit how easy it had been to trade partners last night, alcohol or not. Whether or not anything happened again wasn’t off the table, either. “So, in summary, as long as there’s no secrets, and everyone’s happy, we’re all fine.” He looked across the table at Chester, who was silent. “I want a shower,” he concluded, looking at Mike instead of Ryan as thoughts of last night played in his mind. “Anyone have any other thoughts before I disappear for a bit?” 

Chester sat forward, raising his hand. “I have a question. Were you lying last night during the game?” he asked, his eyebrow cocked as he stared Jason down. For a split second he would have sworn he saw panic cross the other man’s face. “Because, come on, you’ve _never_ sucked anyone’s toes?” 

“I really haven’t,” Jason said, almost with a sigh of relief. “Feet are not my thing. You can ask Ry.” He stood up, ending the conversation as he carried his mug to the sink and rinsed it out.

Mike looked at his boyfriend. “Why would anyone suck toes? Even if they were the cleanest toes on Earth, you couldn’t get me to do that.” 

Chester’s mouth dropped open a little in amused shock. He glanced at Ryan, the two of them laughing for a second before Chester told Mike, “you’re missing out, Sexy Boy! The toes are very sensitive. All the neurons or nerves or whatever they have,” he tried to explain, motioning down to his foot. “If you get someone to do it right, it’s a wonderful thing.” 

Mike couldn’t help but shudder. “No, thanks. There’s better things to suck than toes.” He almost clapped his hand over his mouth for saying such a thing, but he tried to play it cool. Jason turned around from the corner where he was now looking for clean clothes and stared at him, and Mike shrugged. “Just saying.” 

Ryan downed the rest of his coffee before he stood up. “Guess we’re on our own for all the toe sucking in this house, Chazzy.” He quickly patted Chester on the shoulder before he headed to the kitchen. His head wasn’t as groggy as he thought it would be, and his stomach was rumbling. He twisted around, catching Jason’s attention before he could disappear into the bathroom. “Breakfast, Jay? When you’re out of the shower?” he asked, sending his best hopeful eyes at his boyfriend.

Jason stopped between the bed and the bathroom and looked, first at Ryan, then at Mike and Chester, before he nodded his head. “Sure, Ry. Give me ten minutes.” They probably needed some time alone, and so did Mike and Chester. He sent Ryan a smile before he stepped into the bathroom and tossed his clothes on the counter. He needed a little time alone, too. 

Mike looked over at Chester. The Advil hadn’t quite kicked in yet, and breakfast didn’t sound appealing at all. “Hey, babe? You want to come upstairs with me and lay down? It’s a little darker up there.” He really hoped that his boyfriend would say yes. They both needed more rest. Mike was ready to get under his cozy blanket and pass out.

“Bed sounds perfect,” Chester replied as he stood up slowly. His stomach probably could have lived without the coffee, and now his head was back to pounding. The thought of laying properly in bed, with his lover next to him was an inviting one. He turned away from Mike to look at Ryan. “We’re passing on breakfast.” 

“Go lay down,” Ryan said, waving his hand toward the stairs. “We’ll be out of here in a few minutes and it will be nice and quiet.” 

Chester reached for Mike’s hand, and together they headed across the loft, and then up the stairs, like they were in slow motion. Already Chester had a plan. He wanted to snuggle and he wanted to kiss Mike’s face before they would both pass out. He wanted to tell him he loved him, and he was hoping Mike would say it in return. 

Ryan leaned against the kitchen counter, his arms at his sides as he watched. _There they go. It’s almost unreal what happened last night. Unreal that Mike’s not screaming mad. Usually I can’t even hold Chaz’s hand without him flipping out._ His eyes narrowed a little as he looked over at the closed bathroom door. _I knew Jay and Mike were getting close. I told Chazzy that. But close is okay. Above everything else, I want Jay to be happy. He needs someone like Mike. Someone to do things like the symphony with him, and read all the boring books, and drink wine. And give him an occasional blow job._ The thought was almost funny. He’d been sharing Jason for the bulk of their relationship, and it was still not always at the front of his conscious that he didn’t have to anymore. He looked back at the stairs. Mike and Chester were already out of sight. _And Chazzy and I can share the occasional something more, too._

****  
TBC


	16. Surprise Invitations

Usually video game time with Ryan was full of hoots and hollers, big gestures and even the excited up and down from the couch as he and Chester would point at the television, cheers or swears or advice coming out of their mouths. 

But this game was different. When they’d downloaded a copy of _Little Nightmares_, they’d been fascinated by the art design, and the storyline, but neither of them had expected for it to be creepy, almost scary. It was already dark outside, and they’d turned all the lights in the loft off, other than the one lamp by the bed in the corner, where their boyfriends were lying side by side, reading. “Don’t go in there,” Chester hissed, grabbing Ryan’s arm as they sat on the couch. He pointed a shaky finger at the screen. “That fucked up looking guy is going to get you.” 

“I have to,” Ryan whispered back as he maneuvered his on-screen character - a small child in a yellow raincoat - through the oversized rooms full of obstacles and demented looking villains. “There’s no other way to go.” 

Chester clung a little closer to Ryan’s arm as he watched. He’d never been creeped out by a video game before, but this one was doing the trick. “He’s going to hear you,” he whispered, like they were hiding from the freaky goon on the screen. “I can’t watch.” He hid his eyes against Ryan’s bare arm, sucking in his warmth. He was ready to crawl on Ryan’s lap if things got any weirder. 

“You have to watch,” Ryan laughed as he paused the game for a second to look over, trying to see Chester’s hidden face. “If you don’t watch, you can’t pick up where I left off when it’s your turn.” He nuzzled his face to Chester’s cheek as he cooed his name softly. He reached over, his hand going to Chester’s thigh. He squeezed him through his black joggers before he returned his attention to the game. “I have the feeling I’m going to die soon.” 

“Because that creepy ass guy is going to hear you!” Chester turned his head, forcing himself to watch. Ryan was right. It would be his turn soon, and he needed to learn from the mistakes and successes made by his partner. He left his head on Ryan’s shoulder, but feathered his fingers over his bare stomach. “I swear I’m not trying to tickle you.” 

“The hell you’re not,” Ryan laughed. “You’re going to get us killed!” 

Mike looked up. He was almost finished with his book, and his eyes were tired. He let it flop down on his uncovered stomach as he glanced over at the television on the wall, then at Ryan and Chester on the couch. They had been engrossed in the game since after dinner, and they didn’t show any signs of stopping soon. He saw Chester’s hand on Ryan’s stomach, and the way Ryan was unaffected by Chester’s touch as he navigated the game. “If you die, maybe we can all go to bed,” he offered, rubbing his eyes. 

Jason nudged Mike with his knee. “Leave them alone, they’re having fun. And you hate playing, so at least you haven’t been dragged into it this time.”

“So true. Thank God for Ryan, so I don’t have to embarrass myself trying to play. I have absolutely no skill when it comes to video games.” 

“You and me both.” Jason had never liked video games, either, and he was at least able to recognize that Chaz being around to play with Ryan gave him more time to do other things he enjoyed. “Think of all the time we’ve gained to ourselves, just because they love those games so much.”

Mike turned his head to look at Jason, his cheek resting against Jason’s arm as he looked up and their eyes met. “We _have_ gotten to read a lot,” he murmured. He let his eyes linger on Jason’s lips as they leaned into each other. Jason was clean smelling and warm, and Mike had to stop himself from snuggling in closer and seeking affection. He knew he should move or he’d be petting over Jason’s arm in a minute and begging for kisses. Chester’s medications and lack of sex drive was hard on them both. 

Mike was about to announce that he was going upstairs when he heard what sounded like a knock at the front door.

“Was that the door?” Jason asked, looking over at Ryan and Chester on the couch. He wasn’t sure if the knock was some creepy effect from their game, or something real. 

Chester sat up straight, his head tilted slightly as he listened before he turned to look across the loft toward the front door. “I think it was.” He twisted back around and grabbed the remote, turning the sound way down on the game, just in time to hear the door again. “Who would be here?” he asked, ready to stand up, as Ryan paused the game. 

Mike had already put his book down and swung his feet off the bed. “I’ll get it, babe. No need to stop. The more you stop the longer it goes on,” he teased, stretching his arms over his head as he stepped around the couch quickly.

Chester watched as his boyfriend headed for the door. “We’re almost done, promise, Sexy Boy!” he hollered, before he swung his attention back to Ryan. “We need to stop for the night.” 

Ryan nodded. “I figured. I’m ready to take a break from this anyway.” He went to exit out of the game, but thought better of it for a moment. He really wanted to get to the next save point first. “Next time we can save, I’ll turn it off.” 

“You always say that,” Jason commented, rolling over to grab a bookmark from the nightstand. He could hear Mike at the door, and a familiar voice he couldn’t quite place. “I’m willing to bet Mike and I end up going upstairs to sleep because you two just can’t stop.” 

At the door, Devon was staring at a shirtless Mike Shinoda. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. It had been awhile since he’d seen his ex-coworker, and he took a quick mental note of how much longer Mike’s hair was, on his head and on his face. He looked older, and nothing like his former YRS persona. “I know it’s late,” Devon said as he stood in the doorway. “You guys weren’t in bed, were you?” 

“Um, sort of. Not really. I mean, Jay and I were. But just reading.” Mike shook his head and backed away from the door. “We’re all up, come on in,” he finally said. Seeing Devon was a little bit of a surprise. He shut the door and followed Devon into the apartment. “So… what’s up?” 

Devon scanned the downstairs of the loft, spotting Chester and Ryan on the couch, quickly, and Jason on a queen sized bed crammed into the corner - every single one of them shirtless. “Wow,” he whispered. “I know you guys said the four of you were living here together, but...it’s crowded.” He ran his hand over his short cropped dark hair before turning his full attention back to Mike. “I came to give you guys something.” He held up a stack of four multi-colored greeting card sized envelopes. “If you’re not busy.” 

“We’re not. Well, Ryan and Ches are in the middle of some game level, but I’m sure they can still say hi.” Mike reached for the envelopes Devon was holding out just as Jason came up beside him.

Jason’s arm went right behind Mike’s back as he peered over his shoulder. “Hey, Devon. How’s it going?” he asked casually, his fingers smoothing over Mike’s skin. “What’s all that?” 

Devon’s eyes were twice their normal size. He’d seen Mike shirtless before, a consequence of the YRS life. But seeing Jason walking around in such a state wasn’t something he’d seen very often. _And he’s got his arm around Mike. Did he and Ryan break up? What?_ He glanced back toward the couch, where Ryan and Chester were getting up, Chester waving and saying his name as they came closer. “Hey guys,” Devon managed to get out with a smile. “And Jason,” he added, with a much more formal nod. “I was just dropping off some party invitations. It’s Amir’s birthday next week.” 

Ryan smacked himself on the forehead. “I knew that! Chaz, I told you I knew that!” he insisted as he swung around and playfully smacked Chester’s upper arm. “A party? Amir is having a party?” 

“Oh Lord,” Chester groaned as he took the green envelope from Mike, his name written across the front. “I bet it’s going to be full of strippers. Do you remember his birthday party he had at that one hotel?” he asked Ryan, a grin crossing his face. “And all the waiters and hotel people were buff guys in speedos.” 

“_That_ was a great party,” Ryan chuckled as he took the pink envelope assigned to him. 

“I’m glad I missed that one,” Mike said as he handed off the blue envelope to Jason and kept the yellow one for himself. He felt Jason’s hand leave his back as they all went to tear into their invitations.

Jason pulled his out first and scanned the front of the very rainbow, very loud party instructions. “Oh my god. It’s at a roller skating rink?” He looked at Devon. “Why, why would you do this to us?” 

Devon put both his hands up. “It’s not me! Noah decided to organize it. It’s kinda been a disaster,” he told them, rolling his eyes. “I told him we’re not twelve, we don’t want to go skating, but you know...he’s Noah.” 

Chester covered his mouth, holding back his laugh before he said, “It’s okay. I like skating. It will be fun! But, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Amir skate.” He looked at Ryan. Despite all of them being friends, Ryan was closer to Amir than anyone else formerly from YRS. 

Ryan shook his head as he stared down at the brightly colored invitation. “I’ve never seen him skate either.” He looked up at Devon. “This isn’t a surprise party, is it? Amir knows, right? He said this was okay?” He waved the invitation back and forth for emphasis. 

“Well….” Devon rubbed the back of his neck as he looked around at all the bare chests, stomachs and arms before he glanced over himself. He was feeling out of place in his camo pants and black t-shirt. “I’m not totally sure, actually. Noah wants him to be surprised, so, I think he knows there’s a party, just not what kind of party. There might be a unicorn cake involved.” 

“I LOVE unicorns!” Chester shouted, his excitement level jumping. “We gotta go!” 

Mike looked at Jason before he looked back at Devon. “I guess we have to skate? Noah will probably make us.” He scowled a little at the thought of the redhead. “I suck at skating.”

“I do, too,” Jason said. “If all else fails, we’ll just watch them from the sidelines.” He looked over at Ryan. “Unless you want to hold me up all night, Ry.” 

“I’m game,” Ryan said instantly, his arm lacing around Jason’s bare shoulders before he kissed him on his cheek. “I’ll skate behind you, hold you close,” he teased with his voice dropping to something sexier. 

“I’m not as good as Ryan,” Chester offered with a shrug. “But it’s still fun. We’re in,” he decided for the group. “You want a drink or something?” he asked Devon, reality hitting him that they had a guest in the house and he hadn’t offered him anything. “We’ve got left over pie in the fridge, if you’re hungry.” 

The idea of pie was intriguing, but Devon declined as he looked at his watch. “No thanks, Chaz. I can’t really stay. Caleb’s getting off of work soon and I want to be home when he gets there.” 

“You two moved in together?” Chester asked, and suddenly he really wanted Devon to stay. He wanted to hear all about the move, and how it was going. “When did that happen?” 

Devon smiled, his dark eyes going a shade lighter. “Last month. It’s been awesome.” 

Jason smiled right back at Devon. “Congrats, that’s a big step.” Even though Devon and Caleb had been put together at YRS out of necessity when he’d had to fire Toby and Josh, it was nice to see that the pairing had become something more. “I’m happy to see you guys are doing well.” He leaned his head toward Ryan and waved the invitation in front of him. “It will be nice to see everyone, even if I have to put skates on and depend on Ry to take care of me.” Jason turned his head to kiss the side of Ryan’s neck. 

Seeing Jason and Ryan together wasn’t shocking, and it breezed over Devon’s thoughts without issue. “I’m glad you guys are going to come. Noah’s been in panic mode ever since he started planning this. He really needs to get laid or something. He’s driving us nuts.” He flashed the group a grin. “We had to break it to him that we don’t think Amir will be that lucky guy for him. Not sure what his obsession is with him. He’s way too sassy for me.” 

“People love Amir’s sass,” Chester stated. “And poor Noah. Party planning is stressful. Dammit,” he swore suddenly, his hands going in the air. “Does he already have the food ordered? I could have catered it.” He pointed at his bare chest. “I can bake a unicorn cake!” His mouth was hanging open as he looked from Devon to Ryan. 

“Don’t look at me,” Ryan said instantly, pulling away from Jason. “I didn’t even know this was happening.” 

Devon shook his head. “Not sure, Chaz. I’ll ask him though. God, I hope you can cook for it. You’re better than the bozos he’d probably hire.” 

“Ches _is_ the best,” Mike offered. “I hope you can cook for it, too. Devon, you should just tell Noah that’s how it should be.” He looked across Jason and Ryan at his boyfriend. “Your cakes are so good. Did you say we still have pie? Now I’m hungry,” he complained. 

Chester nodded. “Yeah, plenty leftover,” he said before he turned back to Devon. “Sure you don’t want to stay? I’ll make coffee. I want to hear all about life with Caleb. You’ve only got a one bedroom,” he said, trying to sketch out in his mind where all of Caleb’s things would be in the small garden apartment. 

“I can’t, Chazzy,” Devon told him again, the sound of disappointment in his voice. “We should grab lunch sometime and I’ll tell you all about it,” he promised as he turned to head towards the door. “I’m picking us up a pizza for dinner and I’m already late.” 

“But it’s way past dinner time,” Chester whined as he followed Devon to the door. “And yes on lunch. Just let us know.” He cocked his head back towards the others. “And let me know about the food,” he added.

Devon nodded. “Don’t worry, that’s my first phone call on the way home.” He looked over Chester’s shoulder at the other three. He opened his mouth, ready to whisper a question or two to Chester. They’d known each other for a long time, and he knew Chester would tell him the truth about any and everything. But he stopped when Ryan headed their way. “Bye guys,” he said as he waved. 

“Good night,” Jason called. He dropped his invitation on the bar on his way into the kitchen. Mike was already there, about to open the refrigerator. “Are you really about to eat pie this late?” he teased as he came up beside Mike and slid his arm around his waist again. “You know if you eat this late it will give you nightmares.”

“No, it won’t,” Mike scoffed, turning his attention to Jason with a smile. “You’re just ready to go to bed, aren’t you? You don’t want me in here making noise with my pie.” He leaned close and dropped an affectionate kiss on Jason’s waiting lips. “I’ll be quick, Jay. You sure you don’t want some with me?”

Jason shook his head. “No, but I think I will have coffee, if you can wait long enough for me to make some.” Even though Chester had offered to make coffee, Jason knew he wouldn’t mind if he made it instead. _They’ll go right back to their game, and Mike and I will have coffee and pie._

“Um,” Devon hummed as he watched Mike kiss Jason, not ten feet away from where Ryan and Chester were standing, their backs to the kitchen. “Okay, guys,” he said, his voice lowered, and they all leaned in a little, like they were in a football huddle. “What’s going on?” 

Chester’s eyes darted over to Ryan for a second before he looked back at Devon. “What do you mean?” he whispered. 

Devon pursed his lips. _They kissed. Jason’s got his arms around Mike. A shirtless Mike! If they turn around, they’ll see it...so they must know._ “Them,” he whispered, flashing his eyes up and over Ryan and Chester’s shoulders. “Are they, or you two,” he asked awkwardly. “Everyone just seems really close.” 

Ryan turned, looking behind him at Mike and Jason in the kitchen. Mike already had the leftover coconut cream pie out, dishing out servings as Jason lingered over the coffee pot. “Yeah, they’ve gotten close,” he said, turning back to their guest with a shrug of his shoulders. “Living together, you know. It’s made us all kinda lax on boundaries.” 

“Okay,” Devon agreed slowly. “Whatever works for you guys.” He knew asking anything else right now probably wouldn’t bring the answers he wanted. He would have to wait till he could get Chester alone to get the real scoop on things. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, eyeing Chester, and a second later he was pulled into a quick hug. 

“It’s good to see you,” Chester said as they embraced. “Tell Caleb we said hi.”

“I will,” Devon promised. The moment he was let go, Ryan had him next, another impromptu hug he wasn’t really expecting. “It’s nice seeing you guys too,” he laughed as Ryan let him go. “Have a good night.” 

“We will,” Ryan assured him, and his arm slipped around Chester’s waist, his fingers dangling over the hip of his joggers. 

Devon looked them up again. They looked happy, and for the most part, normal. Out of everyone at YRS, Ryan and Chester had always been the most affectionate with each other, and seeing them even now with their hands on each other didn’t really set off any alarm bells in Devon’s head, until he looked back inside the loft, just in time to see Jason taking Mike by the hips. 

He looked away quickly, like he was seeing something he wasn’t supposed to. “Okay, gotta go,” he rushed to say, not even looking at Chester and Ryan as he spun around and headed down the hall. 

“He seemed a little nervous,” Chester commented as he shut the door, pulling away from Ryan’s arm. “Hope he’s okay.” 

“I think he is. Probably just weird to see all of us living here,” Ryan suggested before he leaned over, kissing Chester’s cheek before he yawned. “You’re right, way too late for dinner. Poor guys.”

“I guess,” Chester mumbled before they turned to head back inside. His attention went right to Mike and Jason, and the stance they were in. Mike was spooning pie onto plates, Jason right behind him. Chester’s eyes narrowed slightly as he headed toward them. “I figured you were going to eat that,” he told Mike, stopping short at the bar. Over the last few weeks since they’d all switched partners during the alcohol infused Never Have I Ever game, their day to day life together had become a little muddled. Affectionate kisses and touches had become the norm between both couples, everyone leaving their jealousy at the door. 

“I love pie,” Mike mumbled, his focus on the plates in front of him. “Do you want some? Jay already turned me down.”

“I only turned down pie, not coffee,” Jason retorted. “You make it sound like I’m leaving you all alone with this pie. Which, you might actually like.” He smiled and flexed his fingers into Mike’s hips before he let him go and turned around. “Chaz? Coffee?” 

Chester stopped to think. “Hmmmm, coffee,” he mumbled, one hand going through his blonde curls. “Okay, you talked me into it.” He looked at Ryan, the other man already voicing his vote for a hot nightcap. 

“And here I thought we were going to bed,” Chester huffed in fake resentment as he marched across the loft. “Guess we should turn this off anyway.” He picked up the game controller to exit out of _Little Nightmares_. He could feel Ryan behind him, whining about not getting to a save point yet. 

“Oops,” Chester only partially laughed as the screen went black.

“Oops??” Ryan shot back. “Chazzy, now we have to go through that creepy room again!” 

“We would have anyway,” Chester told him as he left the controller on the coffee table and spun around, his arms going around Ryan’s neck as they looked at each other. “And _all_ the rooms on that game are creepy.”

It was instinct. Ryan’s hands went right to Chester’s hips, and a moment later his eyes were closed as they leaned together and kissed. It was a slow suckle, a soft pop that separated them after a few moments of intimacy had passed. “Tomorrow we play in the daylight. I think that will help.” 

Mike turned with two plates of coconut cream pie in his hands and started for the table. “So, nobody is going to help me eat this? I’m just over here on my own with all this pie?” He looked around hopefully, and not for someone to take the other plate. He wanted both pieces for himself. _They’re small pieces, anyway. It’s like one piece on two plates._

“I’m out,” Jason called, and he heard Chester and Ryan agree. “Coffee’s almost ready. Ry, I’ll leave yours and Chaz’s on the counter for you to fix.” He got down four coffee mugs and pulled the sugar closer to them before he turned to get the cream from the refrigerator. Mike was already sitting at the table, both pie plates in front of him and a happy smile on his face, and it was obvious Ryan and Chester had just stepped back from an embrace. Jason looked over at the bed in the corner, and wondered where everyone was going to end up for the night. _They’ve been touching on each other all night. If they end back up on that game, that’s it. I know how that will turn out. Like last time, when Mike and I left them down here to go read. Except we didn’t do much reading._

He turned and put the cream on the counter, then watched each drip of dark brown coffee as it percolated into the carafe. _Mike’s been so touchy since that first time we fell asleep together. That was by accident. Before the game._ He closed his eyes as the thought of going down on Mike a few weeks ago came back to him. It slowly changed to thoughts of them upstairs together just last week, of tentative kisses that had turned hot so quickly. He could clearly remember the way his soft kisses to Mike’s neck became shared, wet lip kisses, and it hadn’t taken much for him to get Mike on his back. He remembered Mike’s hands in his hair, down his body, and the way Mike had been so willing to do more, to touch him, finally. So much restraint had gone into Mike’s small whimpers and pants. _He was so quiet. It was the first time he touched me. And then I stopped him._

Jason opened his eyes when the coffee finished dripping, forcing away the memories and the tingles of arousal that had come with them. He took the carafe to pour two cups to the brim, and then two with room for cream. _I had to stop him. It wasn’t like we were out in the open, with Ry and Chaz. It wouldn’t have been fair. And that’s why we read down here tonight instead of up there._ “Okay, Ry, it’s all yours,” he called, his voice a little weak from his thoughts. He picked up his and Mike’s coffee and went to sit next to him at the table. 

Ryan lead the way across the loft, hand in hand with Chester. “Coffee so late, we’re never going to get to sleep.” 

“Not me,” Chester assured him. “I can drink coffee all night and still pass out.” He let go of Ryan’s hand as they stepped into the kitchen, ready to mix up their drinks. His eyes flashed to the table. “Aw, is no one eating pie with you, Sexy Boy? That seems wrong.” 

“I know. Now I’m being forced to eat this all on my own.” Mike tried to look at Chester with his sad puppy dog eyes, but a grin forced its way out instead. 

The thought to tease Mike a little more was there, but Chester stopped himself as he watched Jason take his boyfriend’s attention. Suddenly there was a conversation at the table about the benefits of drinking coffee black, and how well it paired with the sweet pie Mike was inhaling. _He’s happy,_ Chester thought as he watched Mike’s dark eyes light up a little as Jason reached over and dipped his fingertip into the homemade whipped cream topping Chester had covered the entire pie in when he’d made it two days ago, just the way Mike liked it. He found himself staring as Mike laughed, as Jason licked his finger suggestively. _I’ve never thought of Jason as playful, but he is. At least he is with Mike. Maybe he is with Ryan, too. He doesn’t really talk about him that way. Not really. There’s been a few occasions. I guess because they were always rushing things at the house in the hills, hiding out from Mark. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for playfulness._

Chester caught Ryan from the corner of his eye. While he’d been staring at the table, Ryan had taken over coffee duties, mixing both cups to the perfect levels of cream and sugar. A second later he felt Ryan’s warm lips on his cheek, and then next to his ear as he whispered, “Are you having pie envy?” 

Chester’s stare lightened as he grinned. “No,” he said with a chuckle. “Just watching Jason lick whipped cream off his fingers.” 

“Mmmm, is that turning you on?” Ryan mused. He slid his arms around Chester as he moved behind him and dropped a kiss to his exposed shoulder. 

“No,” Chester said immediately, trying not to laugh out loud. “Not even close.” 

“Well, darn,” Ryan sulked as he kissed Chester’s shoulder again, this time in a pout. “Fine. Guess I’ll cross that off my list of Things That Get Chester Hot.”

There was no holding it back this time. Chester snorted as he laughed out loud, and spun in Ryan’s arms. He stared at him for a moment, his amusement turning toward something different. He reached, petting his fingers over the single gold necklace dangling from Ryan’s neck. The small oval pendant portrayed Dymphna, the female patron saint of all things mental health. The necklace had shown up around the same time Chester had started therapy, and even though Ryan denied any connection between the two, Chester knew better. His friend wasn’t religious, and he’d been less than forthcoming over the meaning of the odd charm. _But I looked it up. I know what it is._ His gaze lifted, along with his hand as he stroked Ryan’s scruffy jawline. “I hope you put yourself on that list.” 

Ryan shut his eyes as he pulled Chester closer, the two of them sharing a hug. He rested his chin on Chester’s shoulder, relishing in the closeness for a brief second. “I’m honored to be on that list, Chazzy,” he whispered before he leaned back, plopped a kiss to Chester’s neck, and then they separated. Ryan picked up both coffees before he gestured toward the table. “You first.” 

Chester walked over and sat down across from Mike, and Ryan joined him. “I hope that pie tastes as good as it did two days ago,” he commented as Mike licked whipped cream off his lips. “I really hope I can make something for Amir’s party. I’d love to do the cake.” He pursed his lips as he tried to remember the date stamped on the invitations Devon had handed out. “There’s time. I could make a few practice cakes. Practice unicorns,” he corrected with a smile as thoughts of icing and decorating crossed his mind. 

“I totally volunteer to taste these practice cakes,” Mike said as he pushed one empty pie plate away and pulled the next piece closer. “What kind are you thinking? Unicorns are white, right? So like, white cake. With sprinkles or something. That sounds good.” He sliced the point off of his second piece of pie and looked at Chester. “I guess you should find out what kind of cake Amir likes, though. Since it’s his birthday.”

Jason sat back in his chair and shook his head at Mike. “I don’t know how you can eat the way you do. You better watch it before you lose that figure of yours.” He poked Mike in the side and grinned as he jumped away. “You’ve got a week to practice, Chaz. I don’t know if Mike can eat that much cake.” 

“If I’m practicing, everyone has to help eat the cakes,” Chester insisted as he looked around the table. “And Mike’s right, what kind of cake does Amir like? I can make any flavor look like a unicorn.” He looked Ryan’s way. 

“I think he’s a chocolate guy,” Ryan decided after a moment of thought. “I’ve seen him eat a lot of candy bars, so chocolate is probably safe.” 

“That’s right!” Chester realized, snapping his fingers. “I remember when we all went hiking and he brought a whole bag of chocolate bars, and then he wouldn’t share!” 

Ryan’s shoulders shook as he laughed. “That was so wrong of him. And they looked so good compared to the granola crap _we_ brought along. Life lesson on that one, Chazzy.” 

Jason watched Ryan and Chester reminisce about the hiking trip they’d all endured for one of Mark’s visions. “At least you weren’t lugging around camera equipment just to shoot films of you guys in the woods. We could have done that in a million other places, I don’t know why we had to do all that hiking first.” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t know how you two pulled off looking so good after tramping along in nature for as long as we did.” 

Chester sat forward, pointing between him and Ryan. “We’re professionals, Jay. We can handle almost anything. Even being tortured with nature.” He scrunched his nose at the memory. “We did get that really nice scene done with the waterfall. You remember?” He turned, looking from Jason to Ryan. “It looked great, but then it sounded awful because the water was so loud.” 

Ryan nodded. “Naked On The Rocks,” he recalled. “That one is burned into my brain.” The passing vision of the glorious water pouring down behind them, and the sun shining overhead while he and Chester pleasured each other fluttered across his mind, but Ryan shook it away quickly. “Anyway. Back to unicorn cake, I’ll happily volunteer to eat a piece. Or two.” 

“There’s so many great videos on the site,” Jason mumbled, mostly to himself. He knew he was lucky Chester and Ryan, and Chester and Mike, were so popular. It was keeping a nice bit of money flowing into his bank account. “I’ll eat some, too,” he said a little louder, his eyes drifting back over to Mike. The second piece of pie was about gone. 

In the past, conversation about Ryan and Chester’s videos would have caused Mike’s stomach to turn, but not anymore. He barely looked up, though he was listening. It didn’t do any good to prolong a discussion that involved YRS, so he didn’t say anything about it. Even though they were out from under the rules and the contracts of YRS, it still managed to hang over everything they did, and Mike still hated it. The one thing he’d been counting on when they left the house in the hills was that YRS and porn and everything that came with that would be in the past. It just hadn’t turned out that way yet. “Sounds like a plan,” he said. “The cake stuff. I’ll share.” 

Chester nodded. Everyone was in agreement to help taste test, and already he was sorting through styles and design choices. He would need to do some research, and make a trip to the store, and he only had a week. “It will be fun,” he mentioned before adding. “I’m really happy for Devon and Caleb. I never really saw that happening,” he admitted, his hands wrapping around his warm coffee cup. “Devon and Josh were so close before...before Josh got sick.” 

“That whole thing was a mess,” Jason grumbled. “Devon and Josh weren’t really supposed to be a long term thing. All those guys we hired on around the same time, Mark was still playing around with all that. We got into that series with Devon and Josh and had to see it through, but all along he was dying to get Devon and Caleb together. He kept telling me Josh was a mistake, that Caleb was a better fit. I guess it all worked out in the end.” He scratched the side of his face for a second before he went on, “funny how it always seemed to go Mark’s way.” 

Mike looked across the table at Chester. Ryan’s arm was slung across the back of his boyfriend’s chair like it was meant to be there. Even though he tried to stay out of these conversations, and had been successful so far this evening, he couldn’t help but ask, “what do you mean?” 

“Mark had the best eye when it came to couples,” Chester offered before Jason could. “We’ve seen it, like, a thousand times.” He motioned between himself, Ryan and Jason. “He’d put people together and more often than not, they’d become something more than scene partners. After they were done at YRS, of course,” he made sure to state. “Mark wouldn’t let us date. Well, you were the exception, Mike.” 

“He wouldn’t let you date,” Mike said slowly, like something was just starting to become clear to him. He looked between Chester and Ryan again. “Was there a rule about that? Or just one of those things everyone knew?” 

“Oh, he made it clear.” Jason looked at Chester and Ryan, so comfortable with each other. _He really did know. He knew what a mess it would turn into if those two became a real couple. Just like the mess Mike and Chaz became. He must have been really desperate to make Chaz happy to let Mike come in._ Jason looked down into his coffee cup before he added, “but he was smart enough to know when bending the rules would benefit him. I know bringing you in was a huge thing for him. It was all for you, Chaz.” 

The table fell silent, the memory of Mark whirling around them. Ryan’s arm was still over the back of Chester’s chair, and his fingers petted up and down Chester’s neck lightly as he thought. When Mike joined YRS, Chester had been taken away from him, and he’d been paired up with Amir. _I’m not sure what he saw in the two of us. I don’t think we would have lasted long together either. Jay’s never said. It doesn’t matter now. I don’t think Amir wants to find anyone to be with long term anyway._ The mental image of Noah popped into Ryan’s mind, with his red hair and freckles and annoying voice that never seemed to stop, and Ryan busted into laughter. 

“What?” Chester asked, a grin already stretched across this face. 

“Nothing,” Ryan said, his free hand lifting to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye. “Oh, god, I was just thinking about how Mark put Amir with Noah. Can you imagine if they ever turned into a real couple? I think the boss missed the mark on that one.” 

“There weren’t exactly a lot of options at the time,” Jason explained. “I think he was getting desperate. I _know_ he was getting desperate.” His attention flashed over to Mike quickly. Mike was rubbing his index finger around the lip of his mug, carefully keeping his eyes away from the others. “Firing you was just the beginning of things getting all out of sorts.” Jason looked over at Ryan, remembering everything that had come with firing Ryan. That moment when Ryan knew they’d been caught… the night before, and the days after. Now he was lost in Ryan’s blue eyes as everyone at the table remembered those weeks together. 

Chester’s eyes were on the table, just past his coffee cup. “He was desperate alright. I still can’t believe he was going to put you two in a scene.” He looked up, his gaze bouncing from Mike to Jason. “Sometimes I think he was trying to play a head game with all of us about that. Not letting me work, and then putting you guys together. The return of Jaxon Deep,” Chester mumbled before he smiled. “Then again, thinking about it now, it probably would have been a hit. I’ve heard you were quite the star, Jay.” 

Mike let out a soft snort before he looked at Chester. “Really? I can’t believe we’re talking about this.” He shook his head. “Mark was just being himself. Punishing all of us for our mistakes. And the worst part was putting Jason in that position.” He looked over at Jason. “I’m sorry, but what he made us do was fucked up.”

Jason’s eyes widened as Mike ranted. He’d just outed their secret without even hearing what he’d said. Jason sucked in a distressed breath and tried to give Mike a look without being obvious, but he knew that either Chester or Ryan, or both, would pick up on what Mike had said. “Oh, Mike.” He watched as Mike realized his choice of words and tried to back track.

“What he _wanted_ us to do. You know what I meant.” Mike closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Fuck.” 

Chester’s eyes narrowed at his boyfriend. “Mike?” He looked over at Ryan, and then back again. “Did something happen?” He swallowed hard before drifting his attention to Jason. “Jay?”

Ryan sat forward, his hands on the table. “You guys can tell us,” he whispered, his eyes never leaving his lover. The details about what had happened on that day when Mark had gone down the front stairs, had been few from Jason’s mouth. There had been little to no talk about the circumstances that had led to Jason, Chester, and Mike all being at the top of the steps with the boss when everything had turned dark. The idea that something had happened before that - maybe something in Mark’s office - wasn’t farfetched. 

Jason was still looking at Mike, who still had his eyes closed like he was trying to hide from it all. _What does it matter if we tell them now? Things have changed between all of us. And like Mark said, Ry and Chaz have been together hundreds of times. More than blow jobs._ He waited for Mike to say something, but it didn’t look like he was going to offer any information at all. Jason looked across the table and felt his heart pinch at the sincere concern on Ryan’s face. _He knows how Mark could be. But he’ll be upset I kept it from him. And he’s not wrong to be upset. And Mike and Chaz… they’re already not as solid as they should be. This will probably make it worse._

“Mark had this whole idea that since Chaz couldn’t work, he’d show Mike alone, deprived of his lover, and I’d just be… a mistake.” Jason tapped his fingers on the table nervously. “He wanted me to seduce Mike, and, well…” He looked up at Chester and Ryan’s shocked faces, and his hands went out immediately. “No! Not like, sex, just a blow job. I mean, not _just_ a blow job, but it’s not like we were going to be fucking for the camera.” He let out a huffy breath. “But he wanted it on film… this time.” Jason let the last two words hang in the silence as Mike covered his face with his hand beside him. 

“This time?” Ryan echoed. “As in, there was another time?” He tried to read Jason’s face, but he couldn’t. Whatever wall his lover had put up, was still there. He looked over at Mike, the shame apparent. “What are you guys talking about? What happened? Chaz,” he swung in his seat, eyeing Chester up and down. “What’s going on?” 

Chester shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know about any of this.” He looked back across the table. His boyfriend still had his hand on his face, a very un-Mike look. Mike was usually the first person to tell you how he felt, restraint not being his strong point. “Mike, tell me.”

“The night with the handcuffs,” Mike mumbled behind his hand. He heard Ryan’s sharp breath from across the table and ignored him. “Mark drugged you at dinner and you passed out. I was with you until Jay came looking for your phone to call Ryan.” He finally moved his hand away from his face to glare at Ryan, as though the events afterward had been his fault somehow. “Mark caught Jay and I in the hallway that night.” He tried to go on, but the words stuck in his throat when he looked at Chester and the horror that was building on his face.

“He forced Mike into our bedroom,” Jason said quietly. Everyone’s attention shifted to Jason. They all knew what it meant when Mark pulled one of the boys behind closed doors. Chester and Ryan both had been subject to it many times. “He made us… made _me_ go down on him. He told Mike if he didn’t go along with it he’d go get you, Chaz. And you were knocked out. We didn’t have a choice.” He dropped his eyes to the table and waited, the reality hitting him that Chester and Ryan probably would have been understanding, if they’d told this secret months ago. Now they both looked guilty. 

Chester pulled his piercing into his mouth for half a second, sucking on it before he looked at his boyfriend. “But, but you told me that all Mark did was give you a lecture. You lied,” he stated, even though it wasn’t necessary. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I couldn’t,” Mike mumbled, his head hanging low as he stared at the table. “It didn’t feel real. I didn’t want you to be upset.” 

Chester couldn’t look away from how ashamed Mike looked. His head was down so far, like he was ready to fall right into the table. Something like guilt crossed Chester’s stomach. _If I wouldn’t have been asleep, it wouldn’t have happened. I would of been awake to give Jay my phone. I don’t even remember taking those pills._ He put his hand on the side of his face, rubbing his temple. “God, Mike, I’m sorry,” he whispered, before he stood up and walked around the table. He knelt down next to his lover’s seat, his hand going to Mike’s leg. “I’m sorry he did that.”

“It’s not your fault. I should have been able to say no.” Mike covered Chester’s hand with his own and squeezed it tightly. “I didn’t want him to hurt you. I’d already done that. It’s my fault, you know. If I’d been able to control myself, he’d have never given you those pills, and it wouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry, Ches.”

Jason looked over at Ryan, wondering if they should leave from the table and let Mike and Chester talk on their own. He knew Mike blamed himself for what happened that night, but Jason also blamed himself. And he knew that Ryan was hurt that he’d never confessed what happened, it was written all over his face. “Ry? I should have told you. I’m sorry.” 

Ryan sat quiet. It was hard to take in. He hadn’t been there. While things had continued on at YRS, he’d been safe at the loft, away from Mark’s clutches. But his friends - his lover - hadn’t been. “I should have been there,” he said softly as he leaned forward, putting his hand out for Jason to take. “I knew he was capable of some terrible things, but this...using Chaz to make you guys…” He didn’t even want to finish the sentence, even as silver lining points popped into his mind. It hadn’t been Mark forcing himself on Mike. There had been no cameras involved, and it hadn’t been sex. _Maybe that’s why they slipped right into each other that night we played the card game. It wasn’t the first time. They’re not upset with each other...it’s the other way. They’re closer._ “It’s okay,” he finally got out as he squeezed Jason’s hand. “Jay, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” 

“That’s why I wanted to leave,” Mike whispered to Chester. “Remember? When I came upstairs and wanted to go? I couldn’t go through with it again. Not on camera. He would have just kept asking for more.” 

Chester nodded. He knew it was true. He’d lived with Mark’s appetite for a lot of years. “It’s good we tried to leave, even with how things went,” he admitted, the words scaring him a little. He dropped his eyes, studying the fabric of Mike’s plaid pajama pants. “Are you okay?” he asked, looking up. “I would have asked then, if I’d known...but are you okay after that?”

Mike took a second before he nodded his head. “Yeah. I’m okay. That night, the next morning… that was hard, but I know it could have been worse.” He looked up and gave Chester a tiny smile. “All I could think about was how you wouldn’t understand. I should have known you’d get it better than anyone. I should have just told you.” Mike leaned forward and kissed the top of Chester’s head. 

“You can always tell me anything,” Chester assured him before he stood up. “Come on, let’s go up and go to bed,” he suggested, holding out his hand. He briefly glanced at Jason and Ryan, but his attention shot back to Mike the moment he was on his feet. “It’s been a long night,” he added as they headed for the stairs. 

Ryan watched them go, and waited till they were out of earshot before he turned his eyes back on Jason. “Was it just that once?” he asked, his insides feeling a little sick. He’d been under Mark’s greedy hands before, but he’d never been forced to do anything to someone else. That was a whole new thought process, and it was a struggle to wrap his mind around it. 

“Yeah. That was it,” Jason said. It was true. That one night was the only time they had been forced. There was no need to talk about the doors that night had opened. Ryan already knew about the second time. He’d been there, he’d been with Chester. “You know how he was. It was his way of showing who was in control.” He stood up, pulling slightly on Ryan’s hand. “Come on. We should go to bed, too.” 

Ryan let himself be pulled to his feet, before he wrapped his arms around Jason. He embraced him gently, running a hand up and down his naked back. “Never again,” he whispered, and he felt the slight tremble come off his boyfriend. “None of us ever have to go through anything like that ever again.”

Jason led the way to the bed in the corner, his mind heavy with thoughts of Mark, of Ryan, and Mike and Chester. _He started all of this. Because he knew something we didn’t._ He watched Ryan shed his pajama pants and climb into bed. _The couples he put together, the ones he believed in… they always ended up together._ Slowly he took off his own pajama pants, dropping them right next to Ryan’s, and climbed into bed next to his boyfriend. The lover he had chosen, not the one Mark had chosen. Jason could see the light from the loft overhead, and as he lay there with Ryan an arm’s length away, the light upstairs went out, too. He sighed and turned his head into the pillow, closing his eyes. “Night, Ry,” he whispered. 

“Good night, Jay,” Ryan answered, even though he knew it was going to be hard to fall asleep. It stung that Jason hadn’t told him what happened before, but he was no stranger to the fact that Jason tended to try to avoid confrontation. It would have been another dramatic moment, another heated conversation and one more strike against Mark, one more reason for Ryan to go and do something he’d regret. _I probably would have. If I’d known. They kept it from us. If Mike wouldn’t have slipped up, they probably never would have told us._ That thought squirmed around his mind, and it made him shift in the bed as he rolled over. He could see Jason now, inches away, his eyes closed, his face tucked away into the pillow. _I know he loved Mark, on some level. But he didn’t deserve that bastard. No one did. All he did was hurt people._ Ryan shut his eyes, and ordered his thoughts to stop. He would never get to sleep like this, and with everyone in bed, there was no other choice. If it was just him, he’d be up pacing, trying to sort through everything, but pacing in the dark in the downstairs with all the boxes and furniture and trip hazards, it just wasn’t safe. 

_Chazzy._ The thought came to mind and Ryan opened his eyes just in time to see Chester coming down the stairs, the pale moonlight giving off just enough of a glow for Ryan to see him trying to be quiet. Ryan laid still, watching as Chester tiptoed to the bathroom. He saw the light come on, and Chester disappear inside before the door was closed. 

Ryan glanced beside him. Jason had rolled over, his arm over his head as he slept. Ryan checked the time next, and was shocked to see an hour had passed since they’d gotten into bed. Somehow he must have dozed off, but now he was up, swinging his legs off the bed and heading for the bathroom. 

He looked over his shoulder one last time, carefully watching the sleeping form of his boyfriend. He waited, but it was clear he wasn’t missed in the bed. Ryan turned and tapped on the bathroom door. He didn’t say anything, he was pretty sure it wasn’t needed.

“Come in, Ry.” 

Ryan let out a long breath as he opened the bathroom door, the bright light over the vanity blinding him for a second. 

“Shut the door,” Chester hissed from where he was sitting on the lid of the toilet. He waited till they were fully alone, and Ryan had turned to face him. “That was so fucking crazy.” 

“I know. I didn’t...I had no clue. I mean, okay, I had a little clue,” Ryan decided, crossing his hands behind his back as he leaned against the wall. 

Chester sat up straight, uncrossing his legs, his hands on his bare knees now. He was only in his pumpkin orange underwear. “What? What do you mean you had a clue?” 

“Not about Mark,” Ryan said quickly, his lip snarling a little as he uttered the late boss’ name. “I mean...I told you they were getting close.” 

“Well, yeah..but..” 

“But nothing,” Ryan said, cutting him off as he pointed at the closed bathroom door. “And then that night when we got drunk and played the card game. I know you didn’t see as much as I did,” he said matter of factly, pointing to his bare chest, “but it really didn’t seem like the first time they’d done that. I actually thought, I thought…” He paused, his eyes going up to the ceiling. 

“You thought what?” 

Ryan shrugged, his eyes still lifted to the exhaust fan and the top of the shower. “That maybe they were already doing stuff before that night. Doing stuff together. But fuck,” he hissed as he lowered his gaze to Chester, who looked shocked as he sat perched on the toilet. “I never figured it was by force.” 

“You thought they were fooling around behind our backs?” Chester asked, his mouth hanging open as he breathed. The bathroom smelled like peaches and the beach, the two scents he kept around, but right now the familiar odor was just that - an odor. He curled his arm around his stomach. “Mike wouldn’t do that. Not that Jay would,” he insisted quickly, shaking his head. “It’s just, that night we were all together, that was different and the way things are now, I, they,” he stumbled as he pointed toward the door and then he let out a sigh. “You’re right. Fuck.” 

He looked over just in time to see Ryan slide down the wall to the floor, and Chester was up on his feet in a flash. “Hey,” he said softly as he sat down next to him, taking his hand. “Ry, they’re okay. They said so, and, and, we’re all okay. Right? I mean, everyone seems happy, or as happy as we can be right now...trying to be anyway.” 

Ryan let his head drop to Chester’s shoulder as he closed his eyes. “It’s not fair, Chazzy. Jay shouldn’t have had to do that. He shouldn’t have had to go through any of the shit Mark put him through...and this is one more thing. And now, now I’m not even sure what’s going on with us. In some ways, I feel like we’re closer than we ever were before, and in other ways, it’s like we’re further apart and maybe this is part of why. He didn’t tell me,” he stated with a sniff. “He didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”

Chester turned, his hand going to the side of Ryan’s face as he kissed him on his hair. “It’s not that. You know how those things went. Mark took people and it was easier not to talk about it. I haven’t told Mike half the stuff that went on there, and I never will. Not because I don’t trust him, but I know it wouldn’t do any good.” He pulled his piercing in. That was really only half true. He’d stopped telling Mike YRS stories a while ago more out of avoidance than anything else. There was no reason to add more fuel to Mike’s fire when it came to holding things against Chester, things he didn’t have control over. 

“I know,” Ryan mumbled, “we’ve all been there. I just, I hate the whole thing.” 

“It’s going to be okay. And look at them, they don’t resent each other or anything, so that’s good.” Chester pulled his arm away so he could slide it behind Ryan’s back, pulling him closer. “We’re all going to be okay. If they were really fucked up about it, they wouldn’t be close like they are. Jay wouldn’t let me and Mike stay here and they wouldn’t have gotten off together that night with the Never Have I Ever cards.” He stopped, his thoughts rolling to Ryan and that same night he’d actually been able to get hard, despite the heavy medication he was currently on. “It was a fun night. I know we really enjoyed ourselves, but I think they did, too. And no one forced it that night.” 

“No, they wanted to,” Ryan agreed before he shut his eyes and snuggled into Chester’s warm side. “It’s not going to happen again. Not now. We’re all together and Mark isn’t here. God, I wish I would have been there, Chaz. I should have been there.” 

“It was awful after you left,” Chester said, trying to keep the whine out of his voice. “All I did was miss you. Well, there was more than that, but I really did. And Mark was starting to lose it anyway. It was like he was going crazy. He would have hurt you,” Chester heard himself say, and a sudden gasp shot from his throat. “He did something to Devon and Caleb. They won’t talk about that either, but he did. And then he drugged me and did that to Mike and Jay. If you woulda been there, you might have gotten it, too.” 

Ryan shut his eyes, his arm wrapping around Chester’s middle. “I don’t want to think about it anymore,” he mumbled as he nuzzled his face into the smaller man’s neck. “I’m so tired, and I’m never going to be able to sleep. I just want Jay to be happy,” he added with a shiver. “Whatever it takes, I’m going to make him happy.” 

“You do,” Chester encouraged, running his hand up the back of Ryan’s head, petting his soft dark hair. “You love him, and he knows it. That really means something, Ry. Love really means something.” 

****  
TBC


	17. Brakes Off

The only thing better than one unicorn cake was two unicorn cakes, and Chester pulled them off brilliantly. After just over a week of practice, he’d managed to perfect his recipe and his design, and it was hard to look away from the set of sparkly horns on the happy faces of the cakes he’d dubbed ‘Uni and Corn’ as he walked with Mike, Jason, and Ryan down the walkway from the eating area to the skate pick up desk. “Noah will be happy,” Chester commented, finally turning his full attention away from his unicorns as they walked. “Lots of people showed up.” 

There was music playing overhead - a cheesy blend of 80s and 90s pop songs and classics from the 70s - and already there were a dozen people out on the skate floor, most of whom Chester knew, or at least recognized. He’d already spotted Devon and Caleb, and he knew they’d be heading their way as soon as they had their skates on. Chester glanced over at his boyfriend, who was looking nervous, running his hand through his dark hair, and looking around at the purple and yellow swirled carpeting and the massive disco ball hanging over the center of the skate floor. “What do you think, Sexy Boy? You up for this?” 

Mike shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I’m as ready as I’m gonna be, Ches. I hope you aren’t embarrassed by how terrible I am at this. It’s worse than bowling.” He bit his lip as he thought about the last time he’d been on skates. It had ended with him running into a wall and then falling flat on his ass in the seventh grade. He wasn’t looking to repeat that experience. “Don’t forget, you promised to help me.” 

Chester slid his arm around Mike’s waist, snaking it up under his red and black flannel shirt, which was hanging open. “I will. I’ll be right here.” He leaned over, pressing a fast kiss to Mike’s earlobe right as they made it to the skate rental station. “We always end up somewhere where we have to change out of our shoes,” Chester suddenly pouted as he looked down at his new Vans he’d just bought the day before. 

“I know.” Mike was trying not to whine about it. He hated wearing shoes other people’s feet had been in, but complaining about it wasn’t going to get him anywhere tonight. He looked around at the faces of his coworkers from YRS and sighed. It felt like a lifetime ago when he thought Mark’s death would extract him from everything that had to do with the house in the hills and all the drama that had come with it. It almost felt like the harder he tried to distance himself from it, the more YRS held tight to him. It was his own Scarlet Letter.

“Hey, Ches,” he mumbled as his eyes caught sight of a tall guy he’d not seen in months. “Is that Rob? Did Noah invite the pool boy?” 

Chester spun around, and he caught Ryan doing the same as they stared out over the skate floor. There was Rob the pool boy, standing at least a half a foot taller than everyone around him. He was skating with a guy with wavy brown hair and broad shoulders, someone Chester recognized from one of the other adult film companies. “Yeah, it is. Ry, you see that?” he asked, pointing. 

“I do!” Ryan laughed. “Guess Noah just went through the YRS roster when he was making out invitations. And he’s skating with Buff the Dick,” Ryan spit, making a face. “Can’t stand that guy.” 

Chester covered his mouth. “We’ll make sure to skate away from him,” he promised, before he turned back to Mike. “Buff worked at Carnal Delights with Ry before he came to YRS. I don’t really know him, but Ry’s not a fan.” 

“Neither am I,” Jason chimed in, turning to give Buff a steely glare. “Not that you’d go chat him up or anything, Mike, but steer clear.” 

“Another perfect example of Noah knowing nothing,” Mike grumbled as skates were put on the counter in front of him. He picked them up and waited for Chester to get his pair so they could walk over to a bench together. There was nothing to save him from the hell of getting on skates, he realized as they took off their shoes and stuffed their feet into the skates. He wished he had some way to bargain with Chester, and almost opened his mouth to plead out of getting on the rink, but he stopped when he looked at his boyfriend’s face. Chester was excited, and that was more emotion than Mike had seen from him in days. He didn’t want to ruin it.

“Well, I guess I’m ready,” he said, trying to make his smile genuine. “Be prepared to tow my ass all over the rink.”

“I’m ready, Sexy Boy!” Chester was beaming. He already had his skates on and was up, kicking his wheels and testing the orange rubber stoppers on the end of each one. He patted down his front, over his silver button up shirt and snug fitting khakis. “I’m not sure, but I actually think these skates match my outfit.” He turned, pulling his shirt up to show off his ass. 

Ryan stood up, steady on his skates as he watched Chester twirl around, showing off. “Chaz, you look sexy no matter what you wear...and yes, your skates match. Don’t act like you didn’t plan that.” 

Chester’s jaw dropped open as he skated over the few feet to get to Ryan. He playfully pushed him on his chest. “I did not. It’s just luck.” 

“Luck my ass,” Ryan laughed. “And watch it, you’re going to ruin _my_ outfit.” Ryan tugged on his dark blue shirt, and fiddled with the silver buckle holding his black leather pants up - a Score Clothing specialty. 

“And that would be a tragedy,” Jason said from his seat on the bench. “Those pants are sexy on you, Ry. I could never pull those off.” He held his hand out for Ryan to pull him up. “A little help?” 

Ryan spun around, and took Jason’s hands, pulling him up. “There, woah,” he said, steadying his boyfriend. “Just remember to stay centered. You have to shift your weight with purpose, not by accident.” 

“It’s all about balance, Jay!” Chester cheered as he skillfully maneuvered around to get back to Mike. “You ready?” 

“As ready as I’m going to get,” Mike answered, just as Amir skated up to the edge and stopped, looking over at the group of four that still wasn’t on the rink. 

“You guys coming? We’re gonna race here in a bit.” Amir spun around in a circle and held his arms out to the sides. “You guys don’t know it, but I’m a skating champion. Oh, yeah, thanks for coming.” He rolled his eyes. “Noah doesn’t have a fucking clue about anything but manages to actually put together a kick ass party. Who would have thought?” He skated back and forth in front of the opening in the walls, waiting for Chester and Ryan to get on the floor. 

“I’m kicking all your asses when we race,” Ryan announced before pointing a finger at Amir. “Even yours, birthday boy.” 

Chester nodded. “I’ll come in behind you both, your legs are longer. But! I’m up for trying anyway.” 

Jason looked at Mike, who looked equally uncomfortable on skates as he felt. “Looks like you and I are gonna be on our own for a while,” he said, holding on to the side as he tried to keep his feet under him. “I’m not racing anywhere.” He held his hand out to grab for Ryan, trying to loop his arm around his boyfriend’s back to have a prayer of staying vertical.

“We can keep score, Jay,” Mike answered as he stepped away from the side and wobbled on his feet. “Ches, you’re too far away,” he whined. 

Chester turned away from Amir. “Oh!” he rushed back to Mike’s side. “I got you,” he chuckled lightly. “Just don’t fall.” He put his arm around Mike’s waist, and carefully led him to the slick roller floor. “One foot at a time,” he instructed, as Mike held onto him with one hand, and the wall with the other. “We’ll go slow till you get the hang of it.”

Just as Mike got both his skates on the floor, Noah came zooming by, his red hair shining under the rainbow lights above them. “Hey guys!” he called as he zipped up right beside Chester. “Glad you could come! Chaz, I hear you and Ryan are great at skating.” He was all smiles as he looked between his two former co-workers, both of whom were grounded, barely moving at all as they helped their boyfriends. Noah’s bright expression faded for a second before he moved a little closer to Ryan and Jason. “And you guys, too. Jason, thanks so much for coming.” He reached his hand out to shake, his mind still connecting Jason as his boss. 

Jason let go of Ryan with one hand to shake Noah’s. “Yeah, wouldn’t want to miss it,” he mumbled, his hand going right back to Ryan’s bicep.

Mike tried to keep from glaring at Noah. “Great idea, a skating party. Amir was really impressed with you.” _That should have him following Amir around for a while instead of us._ Mike congratulated himself for so cleverly devising a way to get rid of the redhead.

It was like a tractorbeam. Noah’s entire body straightened, his ears on attention. “He was?” he asked, leaving Jason and Ryan behind to skate right over to Mike. He turned himself around, to slowly skate backwards right in front of Mike’s very slow progress around the side of the wall, Chester on his arm. “What did he say?” he asked, his eyes flipping from Mike to Chester. “Chaz? Did he really say he was impressed?” 

Chester nodded, holding in his laugh. It really wasn’t nice to tease him. “He did,” he stated simply. “Called this a kick ass party. _You_ did that.” He poked Noah on his shirt front with one finger. 

“I did that,” Noah repeated, his eyes large with a starry gaze. “Amir said something nice about me!” 

Mike watched Noah skate away and couldn’t help but giggle. “Amir will hate me for that. Okay, Ches, let’s see if I can make it around the rink at least once. Don’t let me fall.” He focused his attention on his feet and tried to make them move forward instead of slide backwards. 

“I won’t let you fall,” Chester promised, keeping his boyfriend steady. “And we’ll go as slow as you need to.” He glanced over his shoulder to see Ryan and Jason right behind them. He met Ryan’s eyes, and they shared a smile before they turned their attention back to their partners, while almost everyone else flew by them. “There’s Devon and Caleb,” Chester pointed, as they rounded the next turn. “Want to stop and say hi or do you want to keep going?” 

“God, let’s stop,” Mike panted, reaching for the wall. “This is hard. I feel like I’m going backwards every time we move. I know I’m spoiling your fun, too,” he said sadly. “You don’t have to baby me the whole time. I’ll sit and eat pizza or something while you go show off.” 

It was true. Chester would rather be out, zooming around the rink with the others. Skating was on his short list of things he felt he could do pretty well. But the thought of abandoning Mike to _show off_ didn’t sit right with him. “It’s okay,” he told him just as they got to Devon and Caleb. “We’ll go until you’re ready for a break. Hey guys,” he said, without skipping a beat. He smiled at the brunette and the blonde. “This actually turned out okay. Props to Noah.” 

Devon was all smiles as he nodded. “It’s been fun. We’re not great,” he admitted, motioning between him and Caleb, who were both obviously hanging onto the half wall, “but it’s still fun. It’s great seeing everyone. Did you see that Rob is here? Rob our pool boy,” he clarified. 

“We saw,” Chester said, as Ryan and Jason met up with them. “He’s switching partners, like, every song.” 

“We noticed,” Caleb said, one hand on the wall, one hand on Devon’s hip. “Noah’s crazy. He invited people from Carnal Delights. I’ve already seen five people from that studio.” 

“Six,” Devon corrected as he pointed. “There’s Petey Sly,” he said, nodding toward a pink haired guy skating alone. “Careful, Chazzy, he’s probably still got a crush on you,” Devon teased. 

“Please, don’t say that so loud,” Chester laughed, and he was ready to stop Ryan in his tracks, knowing he’d have some witty remark to toss in, too.

“I’m sure he’s over it by now, Chaz,” Ryan said as he glanced across the rink. Petey was dressed in black from head to toe, making his short pink hair stand out even more. “It’s been, like, what? Two years?”

“At least,” Chester offered, not really caring. “Someone else needs to be in charge of the guest list next time,” he said before he felt like a snob. “Now I’m just being a dick. Petey never hurt anyone.” 

“Petey will be at Carnal Delights forever,” Jason said. “He’s not very good. Nothing like you guys. He tried to come to YRS twice and we passed both times. You know desperation isn’t a good look on anyone.” 

“You couldn’t pay me to go back to Carnal Delights. YRS was classier by a mile,” Ryan said, before he shook it off. “Anyway. Good to see you two, and congrats on moving in together,” he said, mostly to Caleb, and he saw the instant beam of excitement from him. “We’re going back around to the tables, and then this guy is taking a break and I’ll be ready to race.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Chester. 

“We’re right behind you,” Chester said, before he said goodbye to Devon and Caleb, and helped Mike along. 

Mike was ready for the trauma of roller skating to be over, but he dutifully went along the rest of the way, trying not to pull Chester down to the floor as they went. He’d never been so relieved to make a loop as he was when they finally got over to the place they’d started. “Okay, now I’m really taking a break,” he whined, stumbling over to the wall and stepping out of the rink, his legs going in opposite directions. Jason was already sitting down, his roller skate clad feet tucked up under the table as if he were actually entertaining the idea of going back out on the rink eventually. Mike just wanted to take his off. He clip-clopped over to the table and sat down heavily, his feet shooting out from underneath him as he put his head down on the table. 

Jason couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s a little dramatic,” he chuckled, looking up at Chester. “What did you do to him? That must be a record of wearing him out.” 

“I didn’t do anything,” Chester protested, both his hands up. “You saw how slow we were going.” He heard someone shout his name, and he spun around to see Noah with two more Carnal Delights workers. “Oh! Hey, I know them...that’s...um,” he snapped his fingers as he tried to place the faces he recognised. “Tommy Boy and...and…damn, that other guy is new. Ry would know.” He switched his concentration, searching for where Ryan had disappeared to.

Jason squinted at the second person but the name didn’t come to him either. “Noah just dragged everyone out he could find. All these Carnal Delights boys… they’re not even in the same league.” He dismissed the boys with Noah from his mind and looked at Mike across from him. “You gonna survive?”

“Maybe,” Mike mumbled, his face still in the table. “At least until it’s time for cake.” 

Chester looked down, his amused expression dropping. “Mike, are you going to be okay? Want me to sit with you?” he offered, even as he heard _Charlie Bang!_ being hollered across the rink. 

Mike looked up, his mind connecting with Chester’s porn name, and for a second, he thought about all the times he’d called Chester by that name instead. _He wants to go have fun. And he will, without me out there clinging to him like a spider monkey._ He shook his head and plastered a smile on his face. “I’ll be fine here with Jay. I’ll be your personal cheering section, so go win some races for us, babe.” He held his hand out, motioning for Chester to bend down so he could kiss him. They shared a longer kiss than earlier, and Mike felt a genuine smile follow it. “Seriously. Go have fun.”

It didn’t take long for Chester to agree. “Thanks, Sexy Boy. I’ll be back, and I’ll bring you a drink,” he promised, before he skated off, ready to find Ryan and skate with the others at a good speed. 

Jason watched him go, then looked back at Mike. “I don’t know about you, but I feel totally out of place. I can’t skate by myself at all. And they’re not having any trouble.” He flung his hand out toward the rink without looking.

“I’ve always been a terrible skater,” Mike said. “I’ve been dreading this all week. It’s been on my mind ever since Devon showed up with those invitations. I knew I was going to have to come and do this, and look stupid.”

Jason didn’t say anything. He knew they both looked ridiculous, grown men clinging to their boyfriends all the way around the rink. He didn’t figure he’d get back out there at all, especially once the cheering and hollering started when Ryan skated out to the center by himself. _He’s got this just fine. He doesn’t need me._

Mike watched Chester skate around and talk to people, and before long, he’d ended up at Ryan’s side. _As usual. Oh well. It’s better than these sleazy guys from Carnal Delights. Jay doesn’t think any of them are worth his time._

Out on the skating floor, Petey Sly was getting brave. “Hey, Chaz,” he called, as he skated up next to Chester. “Guess it’s okay to call you that, now that you’re out of the business.” He licked his lips as he looked Chester up and down; it had been a long time since he’d seen him, now that YRS was no longer putting out new videos. “Heard you’re a model now.” 

“I am,” Chester answered without issue, even as he skated a step back. “Totally out of the business, and not going back.” 

There was a bit of a sigh around the group, before Ryan turned, and gracefully skated behind Chester, wrapping his arms around him. “Sorry, boys, but he’s still mine. We’re at Score Clothing now.” 

“I’ve seen!” one of the other Carnal Delights boys said, and a few heads nodded. Charlie Bang and Chris Suckler’s new career choices hadn’t gone unnoticed in the adult entertainment industry. 

Chester turned his head, his lips grazing Ryan’s face as his eyes closed. He was thankful he wasn’t alone among the sharks from Carnal Delights. He knew no one from YRS would dare make a pass at him, but everyone else was a wild card. With Mike on the sidelines, having Ryan around being on guard was a relief. Chester had no lack of experience with guys getting pushy, handsy even. 

Devon nudged Caleb. “See?” he whispered. “Told you.” 

“They’ve always been like that,” Caleb dismissed, before he turned to look around for Mike and Jason, and he spotted them sitting at one of the tables, leaned close together. “Hmmmm.” 

“These guys always like this, Jay?” Mike asked, watching the circle around Chester and Ryan. He’d seen Chester skate back and Ryan’s arms go protectively around his boyfriend, and for the first time ever, he was glad Ryan was there with him.

“I told you, they’re… different.” Jason watched for a moment, then looked back at Mike. “Ryan’s got him. He’ll be fine.” He reached under the table and started to unlace his skates. “You gonna leave those on?”

Mike looked down to see both Jason’s hands under the table. “Nah. Why don’t you unlace mine while you’re down there?” he teased. 

Jason rolled his eyes. “You’re too tired to take off your own shoes, Mikey?” he answered in a singsong voice. 

Mike shot him a begging look, his best puppy dog eyes, and laid his head down on the table. “I don’t think I can move, Jay.”

“Oh, I bet you could, if you really wanted to.” Jason pulled his skates off and then scooted around the table to sit next to Mike. “Here. Give me your foot.” He waited for Mike to lift his skate, and Jason untied it and slipped it off quickly before he did the next one. “There, lazy. Now when Chaz comes back, you’ll have to break his heart and tell him you’ve already taken your skates off.”

Mike lifted his head and looked back out at the floor. “I don’t think he’s coming back any time soon.” 

The circle around Chester and Ryan had broken up the moment Amir had entered. He announced quickly it was time for games before the racing started, informing everyone there was going to be drinking involved. 

“Drunk skating,” Chester laughed as he and Ryan held hands and skated to the other side of the rink with everyone else. “This will be a hoot.” 

“I’m ready to have fun,” Ryan said, just as they got in line with everyone else. There was about fifteen of them, all lined up at the wall. Even Rob was there, ready to participate in whatever cheesy skating game was coming their way. 

Noah got out in front of the group. “Everyone ready?” he asked, his eyes flashing to Amir, who looked like a racehorse, ready to jump the gun. “Backwards skate to the other side, take a drink, and then skate back!” He zipped out of the way, to get in line so he could join in. 

Chester and Ryan both flipped around easily. They laughed as they saw Buff the Dick fall on his ass, and they both cheered Amir on as he got out in front of everyone. “Let’s go catch him!” Ryan insisted, taking Chester’s hand, and then they were off, skating backwards to the awaiting plastic cups full of beer on the other side. 

Mike and Jason watched their boyfriends chug back their beers, but they were no match for Amir. Amir made it back to the other side right in front of Ryan, then Chester.

“That’s right!” Amir called, pointing his finger at Ryan. “Number one, right here!” 

“By a hair!” Ryan roared back. “You flipped your hair into first place!” 

Chester was already laughing, holding his stomach. “Amir’s bangs won!” 

Amir petted over his slicked down hair protectively. “I do have the best hair out of all of you,” he commented, pointing around the circle. “Though I have to say, Chaz, I’m digging Mike’s new hair. That sexy shag looks good on him.”

Mike saw everyone turn and look in his and Jason’s direction. “Wonder what that’s all about?” he mumbled, nudging Jason’s arm. “They’re all looking at us.” 

“I think we’re supposed to be keeping score or something,” Jason said back before he held up one finger over his head and shouted, “Amir, one! Everyone else, zero!” 

The group looked at each other. “We know that,” Petey Sly stated. “Can’t believe you invited Jason Wakefield to this,” he said, eyeing Noah. “Who brings a boss to a party?” 

“Hey, that’s my boyfriend, you know,” Ryan said, even with his arm around Chester’s waist. 

There was a unified gasp from all the Carnal Delights boys, their mouths all hanging open. 

“You liar,” Buff the Dick said, skating a step forward. “No way you’re dating a boss.” He looked from Ryan over to Jason, and back again. “You’re with Charlie...I mean, Chaz,” he said. 

“We’re just friends,” Chester corrected. “My boyfriend’s over there with Jay.” He pointed to the table, and everyone looked. Another mumble of confusion went around Carnal Delights. 

“Who is that?” one of them asked. 

“That’s Mike,” Devon offered. “You know, Kenji Kobyashi. He let his hair grow out, like Amir just said.”

There was a moment of silence before Noah stepped in the middle. “I’m from YRS, and I can say for sure that Jason and Ryan _are_ dating, and yes, that’s Kenji with the sexy new hair. I agree with Amir.” He turned and flashed Amir his biggest supportive smile.

Amir rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything before one of the Carnal Delights guys stepped up. A larger guy with muscles from his chest to his calves. “If you’re really with Jason Wakefield, then why are you hanging all over Charlie? Chaz,” he corrected, the moment he saw Chester give him an irritated look. “Sorry, I’m used to calling you Charlie Bang.” 

“Well I’m not anymore,” Chester hissed, as he pulled away from Ryan’s light embrace. “And we’re friends,” he stated again, tossing a gesture between him and Ryan. “Long time friends, so mind your own damn business.” 

There was a sudden feel of intensity as the two porn studios sized each other up. In general, the Carnal Delights guys were on the bigger side, but YRS had more attitude, and that was no secret.

“Fine. Let’s play the next game,” Buff the Dick decided for everyone. “And we’ll leave Jason on the sidelines with Kenji.” He flashed Ryan a glare. “Guess he’s a lot like his late husband, picking the young off the tree.” 

Ryan’s mouth dropped open. He wasn’t used to hearing anyone defame Jason. Not like that. Subconsciously his fists clenched at his sides. He could feel his insides getting hot with the need to say something back, to defend his boyfriend and their relationship. He could already see himself skating forward and giving the guy a shove on the chest before telling him exactly how things were. Having someone like Buff the Dick slander Jason was hard to listen to. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Chester ordered instead before anything could happen. He spun around, and skated Ryan back a few steps. “Let it go, he’s an asshole,” he whispered. 

Ryan let out a long breath as he forced himself to break eye contact with Buff, and looked down into Chester’s dark eyes instead. “I know. You’re right. I don’t want to get into it with that jerk anyway.” 

“No, you don’t. He’s so not worth it.” Chester grabbed the front of Ryan’s shirt and pulled him close, kissing his face. “He has no idea about anything anyway.” He watched as Ryan nodded before he turned around and shouted for Noah or Amir or both of them to get the next game going. 

Jason had been on his feet, about to march out to the center of the skating rink to see what was happening and put an end to what looked like a confrontation, but then he watched Chester move Ryan back a little and then kiss his face. “I don’t know what’s going on out there, but Noah should have asked about inviting those guys,” he hissed. “I know his intentions were probably good, but I don’t like any of them. I never cared for Carnal Delights.”

Mike rested his chin on his hand and stared out at the guys on skates. The YRS guys, his friends, and the unknowns from the other company, the bigger guys. “It’s definitely a different look,” he offered, sizing up the differences. 

“Yes!” Jason agreed, suddenly less irritable. “We’ve always had a more natural approach, a more realistic look. Those guys, they’re all muscles and big dicks.” He scoffed as he looked at Buff in particular. “We hired nice guys, not assholes.”

“How could you tell?” Mike asked, genuinely curious. 

“Mark had a knack for picking people up,” Jason said, his eyes looking far out over the rink with its rotating colored lights. “It wasn’t like they were looking to be porn stars. They were just… looking. For something. He could see it a mile away. Boys looking for a place to belong. He was always big on that. Family, he called it. That’s why there was the big house, the pool, the nice lifestyle and Brad… it was all to give a sense of belonging to these boys with broken backgrounds. And they would do anything to keep that. You’ve seen it.”

Mike looked thoughtfully over his YRS co-workers. “What about you? How did Mark find you?” He scooted a little closer to Jason, their legs touching under the table. 

“Same as everyone else. Alone in a bar, looking for _something._ Someone to give me a second glance.” Jason flushed a little at the memory. “I was already drunk and trying to get out of a situation with a guy like Buff who’d been buying my eighteen year old self drinks just to get in my pants. And Mark, he was so smooth. Came right up and put his arm around me, a martini glass in his hand, and told the guy to move on, I wasn’t interested. I was _taken_. He made it look like we’d always been together. From the moment he saw me, he wanted me.” Jason looked at Mike. “He was charming, like you wouldn’t believe. He had me sold on the idea of working for him by the end of the night. It was the answer to all my problems. A place to belong, good money, and he was going to pay my way through school. I was almost instantly his favorite.” Jason wrapped his arms around his body like he was cold. “When Chaz came on, it was just like that.”

Mike’s eyes drifted from Jason out to his boyfriend. “And you were married by then.”

“Yes. And so desperate to make things work that I accepted Chaz and that was just how things were going to be. Ryan is the only person Mark took from the porn industry. He wanted Ry from Carnal Delights for Chaz, he knew right away they were a perfect match.” Jason pointed at their boyfriends out on the floor. “Look at them. He wasn’t wrong. Ry’s just enough taller, and they both have that look, those tattoos… but Ry looks like a such a bad boy next to Chaz.” 

They both lapsed into silence as they watched Ryan and Chester skate side by side, laughing at their conversation as they went. “I can see it,” Mike said softly, swallowing hard. “I’ve always been able to see it.”

Jason cocked his head at Mike. “Chaz loves you. You wouldn’t be here right now if he didn’t. Mark had to have you to keep Chester happy. He didn’t listen when I told him you were different. You weren’t like the other boys.”

“Maybe I was a little,” Mike decided. “My background isn’t troubled, but I needed somewhere to belong. My parents left me, just… left. And Chester was all I had.”

“I know I’ve said it before, but I’m sorry,” Jason murmured under the music, sliding his hand over to Mike’s thigh. “I didn’t want to bring you into YRS. I knew it would change you, and you were so innocent…”

Mike smiled ruefully. “A lot has changed, hasn’t it? I’m no better than the rest of them.” He slid his hand over Jason’s. “Doesn’t matter, there’s no need to apologize any more.” 

Jason felt Mike’s fingers lace through his, completely trusting now, so different from how it had been when he managed to talk Mike into signing on at YRS. “You’re still different. I mean, you’re sitting here with me right now instead of out there, skating-”

“Because I suck at skating,” Mike interrupted.

“And so do I!” Jason finished, laughing as Noah zipped by and dropped off beer for them. “Wow, look at the service. We may not have to move for the rest of the night.” Jason used his free hand to pick up the red Solo cup. “Here’s to being different,” he toasted, elated when Mike picked up his cup and tapped the two together.

“Not a big beer fan,” Mike gasped after a swallow.

“Not my favorite either, but it will make sitting here go by faster,” Jason said. He’d never gotten into beer drinking with the boys. Even when he was still Jaxon Deep, Mark would pull him away and share fancy bottles of wine with him, teaching him about barrels and corking, acidity and flavors. Beer was lowbrow. Mark had wanted to teach Jason about the finer things in life before he made him his life partner. _You taught me more than you know, hon._ Jason closed his eyes for a moment, clearly picturing Mark’s gray eyes and the way he explained things. It was disconcerting, how easy it was to hear Mark’s voice in his head, feel his hands, even after almost six months. _You’re never going to go away, are you? You’re never going to just leave me alone._

He somehow managed to put away three cups of the cheap beer as the games continued on the floor, and Mike sipped away at his second drink slowly. “It tastes better if you just get it over with,” Jason teased. “Beer is awful warm.”

“It’s awful cold,” Mike argued, trying a bigger gulp and shuddering as it went down.

Jason smiled as he watched Mike try to down his beer. “Let’s play a game. If we were at YRS right now, how would this scene be different?” He waited a moment, then let out a giggle. “I’d have everyone in hot pants and half tops, for starters. Ry looks fine in hot pants,” he stated.

“YRS at the Roller Rink.” Mike snorted. “At least I know you’d leave me out of that one.”

“Can’t have you busting your cute ass,” Jason said, letting his arm go around Mike’s back to hold him close. “You could be my camera guy,” he whispered in Mike’s ear before he gave the lobe a quick lick, his good sense hampered by the three beers he’d drank so quickly.

“Jay,” Mike laughed, leaning away from the other man slightly, “I don’t know anything about camera work.” He didn’t think much of moving his hand up Jason’s leg just a little, his head already buzzing with the alcohol. 

“I’d show you everything you needed to know,” Jason whispered, kissing behind Mike’s ear before he continued, “look. Devon and Caleb, they could be Roller Rink employees. We could have Devon fucking Caleb from behind over the skate rental counter.” He felt Mike’s hand clutch onto his thigh a little tighter, and Jason smiled. “And Noah and Amir, they could be a bathroom hook up. They just met at the Roller Rink, they don’t even know each other, but Amir’s just looking for a fling, and Noah’s perfect for that. A little fuck boy.”

Jason’s eyes scanned right over the Carnal Delights boys. In his head they weren’t good for his story, they were too old looking and out of place in his high school skating fantasy world. “And Ry and Chaz. What would they be doing, Mike?” Jason held his breath, waiting to see if Mike would play along.

“If there’s a way to figure out how to fuck on skates, they could probably do it,” Mike offered, his eyes glazing over his boyfriend and the way he was moving against Ryan on the skating floor. “How did you do it? Watching Ryan fuck someone else once you fell in love with him?” Mike kept his eyes on Chester as Jason dropped another secret kiss on the side of his neck.

“It was just work,” Jason whispered, “and I knew, no matter how good it was, nobody could get him off like me.” He ran his hand down Mike’s back and then let it drop away. Mike’s hand was still clutching his thigh, and Jason knew if he moved it a little more he’d discover how hard sitting and talking this way was making him. 

Mike could feel how tight his pants were across his own dick as Jason breathed so close to him. “You are pretty amazing,” he managed to get out in a halfway normal tone of voice. He turned to catch Jason’s eyes. “We should stop talking about this before I pull you out of here.”

Jason smirked as he dropped a light kiss to the corner of Mike’s mouth. “Oh, Mikey. Don’t you know yet? You aren’t pulling me anywhere.” 

The last race out on the rink was over, and everyone was looking a little winded. There had been a lot of laughter and everyone had calmed down, especially as more and more beer was downed by everyone. Now the words _couples skate_ was being announced, and the lights through the entire building were dimmed, the disco ball overhead popping on to send a cascade of white dots everywhere. 

“Couples,” Chester said, twisting around to see if Mike was nearby. Couples skate meant slow, and that was one thing his boyfriend _could_ do on his skates. He squinted, trying to remember which table he’d left Mike at. 

Ryan pointed. “Over there,” he said. “Looks like they aren’t coming.” He could see Jason and Mike sitting right beside each other, and he was pretty sure they were engrossed in conversation. It was a little hard to tell with the lights out, but he would have sworn he saw Jason kissing Mike’s neck. The familiar feeling of being second on Jason’s priority list skirted across Ryan’s belly, but he pushed it away and turned his attention to Chester, offering his hand. “We can be a couple.” 

Chester was still watching the table, something inside of him hoping Mike would get up, and at least try to get involved, but it wasn’t happening. The opening piano keys to _I Would Do Anything For Love_ by _Meatloaf_ was already playing overhead, and Chester’s shoulders slumped as he watched Mike lean in even closer to Jason, the two of them practically snuggling as they sat so close together. 

“Chazzy.” 

Chester turned, and looked right into Ryan’s bright blue eyes. The disco ball lights shone off of them like glitter, and Chester took his hand. “Let’s go.” 

Everyone else was already couples skating. The speed was slower, and pairs of men held each other closer, hands going up and down bodies as the love song consumed the rink. Chester’s hand was already cradled in Ryan’s as they entered the line going around the outside perimeter of the rink. “I haven’t heard this song in forever,” Chester managed to say, and he looked Ryan’s way to see him smiling. 

“Me either,” Ryan replied, leaning close so Chester could hear him. A second later, he maneuvered around to get in front of Chester, skating backwards as he took him by the hips. The flow was easy to keep up with, the two of them shifting their weight in unison as they rounded the rink for the second time. 

Chester’s arms went around Ryan’s neck as they went. “I would do anything for love,” Chester sang along to the song. “I’ll never lie to you, and that’s a fact.” 

“But I’ll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way. I would do anything for love,” Ryan sang back, just as the music picked up, and so did their skate. Ryan’s hands dropped from Chester’s waist to his ass, and he squeezed him gently, smiling as he watched Chester laugh in his arms. 

“Some nights you’re breathing fire, and some nights you’re carved in ice,” Ryan husked as he sang with the song, “Some nights you’re like nothing I’ve ever seen before or will again.” 

The song slowed, and Chester’s hand went from Ryan’s neck to his face, gently brushing over his scruffy jawline as he sang the softer part of the song. “Maybe I’m crazy, but it’s crazy and it’s true. I know you can save me, no-one else can save me now but you.”

Mike’s mouth was tingling with Jason’s attention as he watched Chester and Ryan for a few moments, a curl of jealousy twisting in his stomach. “I’m not pulling _anyone_ anywhere,” Mike said sullenly, and he felt Jason’s hand find his again under the table.

“You’re doing great with him,” Jason offered, knowing exactly what Mike was mumbling about with his eyes fixed on their boyfriends. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard Mike and Chester upstairs fooling around. 

“It’s frustrating. You know how we were, and now it’s like I can’t get Ches interested in doing anything. Well, I guess that’s not totally true.” Mike looked sideways at Jason. “Anything that does happen, I feel like I’m forcing him to do it. And I’m not, not really. Like a few days ago, we were upstairs and things were going great, and I thought, okay, maybe this is it. Maybe we’re past the worst part of it, and things will get back to normal.” It was hard to look at Jason and keep going, and Mike dropped his eyes to the table. “He wanted to blow me, and who’s going to say no to that? So we did, and then when it was my turn to make him feel good, he just wanted to go to sleep. He turned me down.” Mike frowned at the ugly orange laminate table top. 

Jason sat still for a moment, watching the side of Mike’s face. His bangs were falling out over his eyes as he looked down and pouted. “It sounds like he’s trying. Those meds must really be screwing with him. Chaz has always been hyper-sexual.” 

Mike squeezed Jason’s hand. “He just… he didn’t really want me. I felt awful when it was over, and he went to sleep, like I’d used him. I don’t want him to feel that way.” He leaned over closer to Jason, his voice dropping even as the volume of the music in the skating rink increased. “And here we are, and you show me just a little bit of attention, and, it’s different. It doesn’t feel wrong.”

“Because it’s not wrong. They’re the same way.” Jason glanced out on the floor at their boyfriends, who were now wrapped up in a kiss. “Why can’t we just be close to the person we’re connecting with? There are days I feel like Ry will never understand me. But you do.”

Mike followed Jason’s gaze to Ryan and Chester, his words sinking in slowly. _I feel the same way with Ches sometimes._

The beat of the song rose, right along with Ryan’s heartbeat as he leaned down to kiss Chester’s lips. Their eyes closed as their bodies moved in unison. He felt Chester’s other hand creep up the back of his head, getting lost in his hair, and his body ached for more as their kiss broke. 

Chester was the one this time, pulling Ryan back into a kiss after they managed to get around the next turn. They had a straight stretch now, their speed slowing down significantly as they kissed a little longer, a little deeper. Ryan still had one hand on Chester’s ass, his other up under his sparkly silver shirt, caressing his warm skin, and Chester welcomed the touch. His insides were starting to tingle as he felt Ryan’s hands, as the song picked up speed and intensity. The thought that other people were around, skating past them, was far away.

The moment their lips parted, Ryan was all grin. The song was just about to peak, the piano picking up to crazy intensity. He pulled his arms up, wrapping them easily around Chester’s middle, changing their backwards motion to a spin, putting Chester in front to be the one to skate backwards now. 

Chester’s face was lit up, like he couldn’t stop the feelings rushing through him. He took over, leading them as they went around the next curve in the rink. He dropped his hands to the hips of Ryan’s leather pants, and tugged, pulling them closer together. 

Ryan’s arms were around Chester’s neck, and the moment Chester pulled on him, he was in. Their lips were back together, and if the music wouldn’t have been so loud, the entire rink would have heard Ryan moan. His hand went up in Chester’s blonde curls, his dick awake and starting to stir underneath its leather cage. 

For the first time all night, Chester wished he wasn’t on skates. He would have his leg up, straddling Ryan’s waist, but that would be hard to pull off as they kept moving. At least part of their concentration had to stay on balance and forward motion. “Fuck,” Chester whispered, the moment their lips pulled apart. 

“I know,” Ryan breathed back, his face right next to Chester’s ear. “God, you turn me on, Chazzy. Like no one else.” 

Chester nodded, his hand grabbing Ryan’s butt cheek through the leather pants. “You do, too. From day one.” His hips bucked, his sleeping cock and balls tingling with what Chester knew was arousal, a feeling that was so scarce lately. 

The song was just about over, and Ryan had Chester pressed up against him, their hidden parts rubbing together as they were stopped on the far side of the rink. It had gone from passionate kisses to something needy. Something demanding. His lips cascaded from Chester’s face, to his ear, and then down his neck. He could smell him - the beach and peaches. Cake, pizza, and beer couldn’t hold a flame to his appetite for all things Chester Bennington. 

“Ry,” Chester moaned, his head back. His eyes opened as he watched the disco lights swirl around them, Ryan’s warm body on his - his safe kisses that cherished and worshiped his skin. He heard the song slow, the voices overhead turning into a tangible melody. He turned his head, breaking Ryan’s string of affection. Their eyes met, and everything stopped. Their hearts were racing, their faces flushed. They could feel the arousal on each other, and something clicked that they needed to stop.

Ryan leaned in, pressing the softest kiss to Chester’s earlobe. “You’re my very best friend,” he whispered. His heart urged him to say more, but he left it there, the beer from earlier clouding his ability to really articulate anything past that. 

Chester smiled as they leaned their heads together, and the song stopped, the lights coming back on. They weren’t alone in the dark anymore, and Chester was quick to notice people staring at them. “You’re mine, too,” he said, before they pulled apart, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. 

Chester’s hand went to his face as reality continued to flood around him, as he stared into Ryan’s blown pupils, the blue around them lessened. _What was that? We can’t kiss like that. We’re friends. But I’m turned on...for the first time in weeks. And I know he turns me on, he always has. And we both just admitted that. This isn’t work, and we’re not drunk. But, Mike._ Chester spun away from Ryan, and his eyes shot right to the table where Mike and Jason were sitting. He didn’t miss the look on his lover’s face. _Fuck. No, no. God, what’s wrong with us? We’re not a couple. We never should have skated to a couples skate! I’ve hurt him. I’ve hurt Mike. I’m sorry, I’m sorry._ Chester didn’t even glance over his shoulder at Ryan before he sped across the floor, ignoring the stares that followed him. _It’s all this openness at home now, I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Ryan’s a friend. He’s just allowed to be a friend._

Off to the side, Devon stood behind Caleb, his arms wrapped lazily around his waist, his head on his shoulder. “There he goes,” he whispered, watching as Chester headed for the table area. 

“And there goes Ryan after him,” Caleb stated as they watched. “You were right. That was seriously more than usual. That was Charlie Bang and Chris Suckler kind of behavior.” 

“No,” Devon whispered, “that was just Chaz and Ryan with the brakes off.” 

Caleb leaned back against his boyfriend, consuming his warmth for a moment and the feel of his clean shaven face against his own. “I hope they work it out. I like all of them.” 

Amir had watched the whole thing happen from his spot on the wall, where Noah was trying to coax him into couple’s skating before he skated away, leaving Amir to stare. His attention went from one couple making out on the floor to the other snuggled up at the table. He lifted his eyebrow as he watched things get heated between Ryan and Chester, but neither Mike or Jason moved. Even for being close, Ryan and Chester were crossing a line, and he didn’t even know what to do with Jason and Mike. He could only deal with one unusual circumstance at a time, and he was closer to Ryan than any of the other three. When the song ended he was already on his way to Ryan to ask what was going on, passing Chester as he fled across the rink. 

Amir skated right up to Ryan and grabbed his arm. “Wow, Ry-Ry. Usually the birthday boy is the one getting fucked on his birthday.” He saw Ryan’s eyes following Chester’s every move, and up close it was easy to see the tell-tale signs of arousal on Ryan. He knew exactly what that looked like on the other man. “I think I’m jealous. Where’s my kisses?” 

“What?” Ryan asked. His attention was delayed as he pulled his gaze from Chester to look at Amir. “What?” he asked again, like he hadn’t heard the question correctly. “We weren’t, we didn’t...do that.” 

“Obviously,” Amir scoffed, looking down at their skates. “As talented as the two of you are together, I doubt you could skate and fuck without someone getting hurt. But if that wasn’t some serious ‘I’d-like-to-bend-you-over-this-half-wall-and-fuck-you’ kisses, then I’m not a porn star.” He skated along with Ryan as they neared the opening in the half wall where Chester had just slipped through on his way to Mike. “Careful,” he warned, “looks like Mike’s claws are out.” 

Ryan’s hand went to his forehead. “God, you’re right. Fuck. And I promised him I wouldn’t ever be the reason for a fight with Mike.” Ryan stopped just short of the opening in the wall, and Amir stopped with him. He looked around, everyone else on the rink was still as they watched. As they waited. “Was it really that bad?” he whispered, daring to look at Amir with a hard swallow. 

“Let’s just say you had everyone’s attention. They were watching you like it was about to be posted on the YRS site.” Amir flipped his hair back and held out his arm, motioning to the carpeted floor. “After you.”

Mike was up on his feet the second Chester stepped off the rink and headed his way. His heart was thundering in his chest, and he was trying to keep himself under control. _We’ve all crossed some lines. Jay and I have done it, too. But not out in public. Not in front of everyone. Not where everyone is watching to see what’s about to happen. As if I could fight Ryan, even if I wanted to._ He caught Chester’s hands as his boyfriend stopped in front of him, a few inches taller than normal due to the skates. It wasn’t hard to see his cheeks were flushed, but it could have just been exertion from the skating. Mike forced himself to speak calmly. “What was that all about, babe? We saw you guys out there.” He looked over toward the skating rink, his eyes stopping on Ryan’s face. “Ches?” 

Chester was already shaking his head, his whole body trembling with the anxiety that had built up from where he’d left Ryan on the rink to where he’d met Mike at the table. “I’m sorry,” he rushed to say. “Mike, we just got carried away. It was the song and the lights, and, I’m sorry.” He dropped his head, squeezing Mike’s hands.

“Carried away,” Mike mumbled, his attention back on Chester. “Well, I’m glad to see that’s coming back for you a little. Maybe I’ll get to be on the receiving end of you getting carried away soon. It’s been a while.”

Chester’s heart pinched as he looked up into Mike’s eyes. He knew his boyfriend was right. It had been awhile. A long while. He wanted to say he couldn’t control that. He wanted to defend his lack of sex drive in their bedroom. He wanted to play his it’s-my-meds card, but he knew that was getting old, and Mike wouldn’t want to hear that now. Especially not after Chester’s performance on the skating rink. “I know,” he said, trying to keep the conversation private, despite all the people standing around. “I’m all yours the rest of the night. I’m right here.” He pointed to the table and chairs. “I’ll take my skates off and we can have pizza and cake.” 

For a second, Mike’s heart was relieved. He was ready to smile and say okay, and be the bigger person for once. But he looked carefully at his boyfriend, and instead of seeing a genuine desire to take the skates off and stay at Mike’s side the rest of the night, he saw desperation. It felt like an attempt to make less of what happened between him and Ryan, and the words Jason had said to him just moments ago, about being with whoever they were connecting with, poked at his conscience. “I want you to have a good time, Ches. I know you won’t be happy sitting here the rest of the night. I’m okay. I just… I want you to save a little of that for me. When we get home.” He could hear the hopefulness in his voice and wanted to smack himself for being so transparent, so needy for Chester’s attention after what had just happened. 

It took Chester a moment to compute what Mike was saying. In the past, it was expected of him. Mike would get upset, and Chester would apologize and do whatever was necessary to make Mike feel better. But it wasn’t like that this time. _Like when he got mad at me after Ryan and I worked in Oxnard, and I slept on the couch...we never talked about that. We just let it go. Is this going to be like that?_ He didn’t know, and at the moment he didn’t care. He knew he was wrong, he knew he’d clearly betrayed his relationship with Mike, and so he pulled out a chair at the table and sat down. “Nonsense, Sexy Boy,” he said with a soft smile. “I’m all yours, and I’m plenty happy being here.” He leaned forward to unlace his skates. 

Mike let out a sigh and sat back down. “Everyone is looking at us,” he whispered, glancing first at Chester, then at Jason. Jason’s attention was on Ryan as he made his way over to the table, and Mike tried not to make a face. In the matter of a few minutes, everything had gone from feeling casual to really heavy, and it seemed that things went that way more often than not lately when the four of them were together. He watched Chester get out of his skates and tried to not listen in to Ryan and Jason’s conversation. 

Jason had still been sitting at the table when Ryan finally felt it was safe to go close. He wanted to give Chester at least a minute or two headstart, and then Ryan would follow his lead. He’d never admit that his heart sank a little when he saw Chester’s skates coming off. _But that’s the smart choice. Mike’s not yelling at him, and Jason doesn’t even look upset. Amir was wrong. It wasn’t that bad. Just a few kisses._ He took a seat next to his boyfriend, and leaned in close. “Sorry we left you guys over here so long.” He had his fingers in his lap. “Sorry, Jay. We got a little close out there.” 

There was a decision to be made, and Jason could feel the eyes on him. He could be an ass the way people expected about how things had gone between Ryan and Chester, but there was no reason to. _I kissed Mike a couple of times, too. Just because they got a little closer than we did, it’s not enough to make a scene._ Jason reached out to the front of Ryan’s shirt and grabbed a fist full of fabric, leaning in close. “You came back to me. That’s what matters,” he whispered before he kissed his boyfriend, letting his lips linger over Ryan’s longer than what he really thought a public kiss should be. 

Ryan didn’t second guess it. Jason wasn’t upset, and there was even a hot kiss involved. He smiled as it broke. “Of course I came back,” he said, sliding his hand over Jason’s knee and squeezing it. “I want to be right here.” He glanced across the table, just in time to see Mike look away, like he’d been staring. Ryan leaned back, trying to assess everything. Mike wasn’t screaming, and Jason seemed almost complacent. “And I’m ready for pizza, skating is exhausting,” he added in, pulling is attention back to Jason with a smile. “My treat, you stay right here and I’ll go get you some after I return my skates.” 

“Take mine too,” Jason instructed, bending over to pull them up from the floor and hand them to his boyfriend. “I’m done with them.” 

“You got it.” Ryan was quick to get his skates off, and then he was up on his feet. It was a little disorienting at first, after spending the last hour on skates, to walk normally again. “Pizza, and a drink?” he asked Jason as he picked up both pairs of skates. “You want a beer?” He glanced over the table, it was clear he and Mike had already had a few. 

“I think just water,” Jason decided. It wasn’t like him to drink a lot, especially around the present company. He watched as Chester bounced up from the table, ready to follow Ryan and return the other two pairs of skates. Mike was quiet, and Jason was impressed he wasn’t freaking out about the kisses on the skating rink. 

Chester and Ryan only made it a few steps before Chester turned toward the line of onlookers. “Go on and get your own lives,” he told them, attitude on ten. “It’s a party, go wish Amir happy birthday!” 

“Yeah!” Ryan cheered in. If his arms weren’t full, he would have flipped them all off, but he couldn’t. “It’s nobody's business,” he mumbled to Chester instead as they walked toward the skate return, side by side. “Hey,” he said suddenly. “I’m sorry, Chazzy. Didn’t mean for things to get so heated out there.” He nodded toward the rink, where the next song was playing, and the crowd of guests were slowly filtering back out. 

“It’s okay,” Chester assured him with a sigh. “We were doing it together, it’s not just your fault. Stupid sappy song and your sexy skating. Did me in,” he playfully whined as they got to the return desk. They both heaved their skates onto the carpeted counter top, before they shoved each pair down the little ramp, one at a time. 

“Mike seems to be okay,” Ryan said cautiously, his hand going over his neck. “I was worried.” 

“You and me both,” Chester told him with a sideways glance. “But it’s over now, and I’m not going to dwell on it. My therapist says I do that too much. So if Mike’s okay, then I’m okay and that’s where I’m leaving it. Besides, I’m starving. And I want another drink.” 

“I agree to that,” Ryan was quick to say. He took his turn shoving his skates onto the ramp, only briefly watching them roll down, and then he was motioning for Chester to lead the way to the pizza and beer they were both ready for. He resisted the urge to take Chester’s hand as they headed back. 

Mike watched Ryan and Chester walk together from his seat, analyzing the distance between them as they returned skates and waited for food and drinks. After a few minutes, he turned and looked at Jason. “Well, at least we didn’t have to see how coordinated they really are.” 

Jason was watching them, too, and he didn’t even look at Mike as he said, “a few more minutes and it might have gone the way you said. They might have just figured out how to keep their balance on those skates.” 

Neither of them said anything else as they watched, and waited for their boyfriends to return. 

****  
TBC


	18. Triggered

The Saturday morning drive to the east side of the city had been full of conversation, and Ryan and Chester hadn’t stopped just because they were at work. Ryan stood in front of the long mirror in the dressing room he and Chester had been ushered in and out of all morning. They’d already been through hair and makeup, and now it was just a matter of putting on their assigned outfits before going out and taking a few photos - updated shots that would be scattered over the Score Clothing website. 

Ryan tugged at the white jeans he’d been given. Like so many times before, they were just a little too snug for his liking, and he tugged at the waist and the pencil-thin red belt that ran through the belt loops. “I’m suffocating,” he whined. “They always make my stuff too small.” 

Chester gave him a sideways glance. Their dressing mirrors were side by side. “It’s because they want to show off those sexy long legs of yours,” he stated, gracefully trailing his hand up and down the vicinity of Ryan’s leg. “Making your pants a tad tighter than they should be squeezes everything in, and makes it all look thinner.” 

Ryan’s mouth dropped open as he spun toward his friend. His blue eyes about to pop. “Are you calling me fat?” His hand was on his naked chest, just under his Saint Dymphna necklace. 

“No!” Chester practically shrieked as he twisted away from his own reflection. “I was just saying, it’s a sneaky way to get the best out of your legs. Your _sexy_ legs. Remember? I said that about them forty seconds ago.” 

Ryan looked down. His legs did seem longer than normal as he smoothed both hands down them. “I guess so,” he mumbled, his lips sagging. 

Chester had one hand on the hip of his in-style ripped blue jeans, only a few places on his thighs and a spot on his knee showing. It was as far as he’d gotten with his outfit, and now he was at a complete standstill. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly. They were alone in the small square room, but Chester still felt the need to drop his voice. After years of working at YRS, he’d learned that alone didn’t always mean alone.

Ryan shrugged his shoulders. “I’m fine, Chazzy. Just a little paranoid, I guess.” 

“Paranoid about what?” 

Ryan looked up, catching the concern in Chester’s dark eyes. “It’s been tense at home...Mike’s been kinda snippy at me.” 

Chester wrapped his arms around his bare stomach. “I’m sorry,” he apologised. “I’ve noticed, and I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He can be like that sometimes...just…” 

“An asshole?” Ryan filled in. 

“No. I was going to say sometimes he can be condescending.” 

Ryan looked away, across the room at the shiny silver clothing rack where the rest of their outfits were hanging. “That’s just a fancy word for asshole,” he muttered before looking back at Chester, his face serious. “I guess it just scared me for a second.” He swallowed like there was an apple in his throat. “Thinking you were calling me fat.” 

“Ry,” Chester whispered as he stepped closer, running his hand down Ryan’s larger bicep. “I wasn’t. I wouldn’t. You know you’ll always be a sexy devil in my eyes.” He squeezed his arm gently. “And I’m sorry about Mike. I’ll, I’ll talk to him about it.” His hand went from caressing to feathering up and down Ryan’s arm, over his black and gray tattoos and toned muscle. “I don’t know what gets into him sometimes. I think he’s stressed and with everything being weird at home.” 

“Weird?” Ryan echoed lightly. 

Chester nodded. “With us. All four of us. It used to be just me and him, you know? And now you guys are there and everyone’s…” 

“Open?” 

Chester looked up. “Yeah. Open. It gets confusing,” he whined before he could stop himself. He and Ryan had talked about the state of their household many times, but as Chester stood in the Score dressing room, the need to hash it out some more struck. “You know how we feel about each other. We’re friends,” he stated, motioning between them. “And I know we get too close sometimes, but I like it.” He stopped, his eyes darting up to Ryan’s face. Under the lights, and underneath the makeup, Ryan’s cheekbones stood out, the slightest hint of blush on them. His dark hair was styled, jagged and pushed to the side, and his lips. They were pink, and a little swollen looking and Chester suddenly felt the urge to kiss them. 

“I like it, too,” Ryan confessed, his voice just as soft. Just as hidden from the rest of the world. “But I know what you mean. We’re not dating,” he affirmed as he pulled his arm away from Chester’s touch to take his hand instead. “And that makes everything complicated.” 

Chester looked down at their linked hands. “I think Mike likes to kiss Jason. A lot. You were right when you said they’ve really gotten close. Closer than I realized. Guess that makes me a bad boyfriend.” He felt his bottom lip tremble, his chest tighten. “I’m a bad boyfriend in a lot of ways lately.” 

Chester didn’t have to say it out loud for Ryan to understand. _Those damn pills. They’re helping him, but they’re hurting other things._ He moved in, scooping Chester into a gentle hug. “It’s okay, Chazzy,” he assured him, his lips right next to his ear. “Has your therapist said anything about that? Will things go back to normal soon?” 

“It takes as long as it takes. That’s what she says.” Chester shut his eyes, his arms wrapped around Ryan’s warm back. “I just want things to be like they were before. Before they got all fucked up.” 

Ryan let him go, slowly, as they pulled apart. “Before me and Jay moved in and took over the downstairs?” he asked, a short smile on his lips. 

“No,” Chester corrected, his downhearted feelings lifting. “I love you being there. I think it really helps. Sometimes I feel so fucking numb, like I can’t feel anything, and then you make me laugh.” He smiled, reaching out to tap Ryan’s chest with a single finger. 

Ryan met him there, taking Chester’s finger in his hand and bringing it to his lips. He kissed it - a petal kiss while their eyes locked. “I love making you laugh.” 

“I love making you laugh, too,” Chester agreed. “I, I love all the things we do together. It makes all the difference, Ry.” 

Ryan kissed Chester’s finger again, this time a little slower, a little longer. He was ready to return the sentiment, to tell Chester how much he valued their time together, too, whether they were playing video games, or sitting at the table and sharing a meal, or on the occasion when they would share kisses and hugs - it was all important. It was more than hours and days spent together, it was life shared between them. 

But the dressing room door opened instead, and Talinda popped her head in. Her smile turned to a frown at their state of undress. “Guys,” she said as she stepped all the way in, her clipboard in her hand. “Why aren’t you dressed yet?” She looked Chester and Ryan up and down as they took a step back from each other. “Do I need to put a chaperone in here with you two?” 

“What?” Chester scoffed, his mouth hanging open. “No. Of course not, Talinda,” he assured her. “We just got caught up in conversation.” 

“He’s right. We’re done talking now, and we’re getting dressed,” Ryan offered as he spun around and crossed the small space to the rack of clothes. “We’ll be done in a few minutes.” 

Talinda watched as Ryan plucked his black v-neck shirt from a hanger and grabbed the leopard print belt that was slung over the top. He handed it off to Chester before he tugged the shirt over his head. “Five minutes,” Talinda informed them, holding up her wrist, her Apple Watch popping to life as she did. “Be ready.” 

“We will,” they both said in unison as she left, closing the door behind her. 

“She’s so strict,” Chester complained as he laced his belt through his jeans. “Anyway. Having you around helps. And Mike, too. Even Jay,” he decided as he buckled his belt. “If I was alone, sitting in the loft by myself, I think...I think I’d be a basketcase on these pills. It’s so weird,” he said, pointing to his crotch. “My sexdrive used to be on overdrive, and now it’s like, where’d you go?” 

“But they’re helping, right?” Ryan asked as he headed back across the room, this time to grab the black boots and matching socks. He sat down in a nearby chair. 

“They’re helping. I haven’t had a nightmare for awhile, and everything feels a little more evened out. Or, like, it’s getting there. I can feel it.” Chester looked down at his bare feet. He needed socks and shoes. “I just wish the house wasn’t so tense. It does a number on my nerves, and with everyone being _open_ that’s not helping. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or not doing most of the time. It used to be simple, it was me and Mike. And that was good.” 

“I know you love him,” Ryan said as he laced up his boot. “And I love Jay, even though…” 

Chester sat down on the floor, a pair of leopard print sneakers and white socks in his hands. He was only a few inches away from Ryan as he cocked his head and tried to catch Ryan’s eyes. “But what?” 

“He’s not the same as he was,” Ryan admitted, his fingers slowing to a crawl, the laces dangling. “Before Mark was gone, and we were sneaking around together at YRS, we were always in the zone with each other. It was like, I couldn’t wait to see him every week. All the secret texts and little signals we had. Rushing into rooms and having quickies, all under Mark’s nose.” Ryan stopped, his rueful expression from moments ago suddenly fading. “It’s not like that now.”

“Well of course not,” Chester said, pulling his socks on. “You guys don’t have to hide now. I thought, I thought that would make it even better. Actually getting to be boyfriends now.”

Ryan shook his head. “Not really. He barely admits to us being boyfriends.” He glanced up from his boots, daring to look Chester in the eyes, but it didn’t last. He tied his laces before pulling his other boot on, shoving his foot inside with a _thump_. “He’s into all this stuff that I’m not. It used to feel like we had so much in common, but now it’s practically nothing. And he looks at me like, like I should be more than I am. Like he’s disappointed it’s me next to him.” Ryan sat back and looked away, his hand wiping at his eye. 

“Ry, that’s not true,” Chester said, getting up on his knees and leaning forward, his hand going to Ryan’s leg. “Hey, you hear me? He loves you, and there’s no way he’s disappointed. How could he be?” 

“Oh, he can be, Chaz.” Ryan let out a huff. “He’s so...like, high class. And I’m not. He’s all fancy wine and the symphony and sitting at the table instead of skating, and I’m all about the skating, and drinking beer and playing video games.” 

“I am, too,” Chester tossed in, his hand squeezing Ryan’s leg. “The skating was fun.” 

Ryan’s distressed face suddenly turned to a sheepish grin. “God, it was fun. You were fun.” 

Chester rolled his lips together, making his piercing stand out. “I know it hurt Mike’s feelings, but I really enjoyed it. Fuck, that’s so selfish of me.” 

“Not selfish,” Ryan corrected quickly, taking Chester’s hand from his leg. “Just honest. Like, me and Jay not having much in common like I thought we did, that’s honest.” 

Chester nodded. “I find that happening with Mike, too. Always have, but it feels like it’s more often now. We do a lot of things that he likes to do.” Chester’s eyes dropped to Ryan’s white jeans. “I go along with it, and sometimes I have fun, but...I feel like I’ve lost part of me sometimes. I think that’s why it’s been so nice having you at the loft. It helps me feel like me.”

“That’s good, Chester.” 

The sound of his real name coming from Ryan’s lips brought Chester’s head up. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Ryan breathed. “I love the person you are. I always have. And if Mike can’t see how amazing you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.” 

“Jason, too,” Chester said as he placed his other hand on Ryan’s leg. “He’s crazy to think he could do better than you. You’re the best skater and the best kisser.” 

The admission was sudden, and Chester gasped the moment the words _best kisser_ were out of his mouth. He pulled away from Ryan, and sat back, ready to finish his shoes, ignoring the starry look in Ryan’s bright eyes. He barely got his last shoe on when Talinda marched back into the room, breaking the feeling that had been floating through the air between them. 

“Chester, you’re killing me,” she said, pointing at her watch. “You’re literally killing me. Is that what you want?” 

“No…” 

“Then get dressed!” She threw her hands in the air, almost losing her clipboard in the process. “And why are you on the floor? Get up,” she ordered as she crossed the room, her black, slingback pumps clicking on the tiled floor as she went. She pulled the leopard print short sleeved shirt from the rack and spun around. “Put this on.” 

She glanced over Chester’s shoulder at Ryan, who was standing up, his boots finished and his shirt on. He was ready, now she just had to get Chester on task before Forrest came looking for them to see what was taking so long. 

Chester held the shirt out in front of him. “Do you think maybe you’re taking this leopard theme a little too far?” He pointed down to his shoes and then his belt. 

“Trust me, you’re going to look fabulous. It goes with your blonde hair, and that lip ring.” She pointed at him with the pen she’d pulled from behind her ear before putting it back. She watched as Chester gave in and followed orders. She sized him up, watching as his pale skin disappeared and was replaced with the cat print shirt that had a white breast pocket. “It looks good,” she decided, just as Ryan stepped up beside them. “Here,” she said, handing off her clipboard to him. “Chester, turn around.” 

Chester did as he was told, turning slowly as Ryan grinned, Talinda’s most precious possession in his hands. He felt Talinda touch him, tugging down the back of the shirt, and wiping her hands over both his shoulders, smoothing the fabric out before she instructed him to turn back around. 

“One more thing,” she said after a moment of thought, her index finger on her chin. She twisted, snagging a black strap from the silver rack. “Here,” she said, holding it up with both hands and pushing it toward Chester’s neck. 

It was a gut reaction. Chester slapped at it and stepped back. “Don’t,” he said, his voice coming out between a growl and a whimper. It was enough to shock Talinda, and she stopped, the strap in front of her. 

“I was just going to help you with it. Come here,” she said, stepping forward and reaching for Chester’s neck. 

He slapped at the strap again, his heart pounding. “No,” he said again, his voice louder and stronger. “I don’t want anything on my neck.”

“Chester -”

“I said no.” His hands went protectively to his throat. “Not again. I don’t want anything there.” He was shaking as he backed away, and right into Ryan. He twisted around. “Ry, I don’t want to. I can’t.” 

Ryan’s attention went right to Talinda. “You’re not putting that thing on him.” 

Talinda pursed her lips, the black strap strangled in her fist. “What’s wrong with it? It’s just part of the outfit. It’s trendy,” she offered as she took a deep breath and held it up. “It’s a little thick, but it’s still just a choker.” 

_Choke._ Chester straightened right up. “Fuck no,” he said, his tone suddenly strong. “Not happening.”

Out of all the years Talinda had been working with fashion models, she’d seen her share of divas and over the top attitudes. But Chester Bennington had been a good one. He was typically easy-going and quick to please. He was handsome and ornery in his own way, and that always came off on camera. But now he was just acting like a brat, and she didn’t have time to argue with him. He was a paid model, and he was going to model whatever Score asked of him. “Look,” she started to say, just as Forrest Mullan stepped into the room. 

“What’s the hold up in here?” he asked, crossing over to stand by Talinda. He glanced at his watch. “We were supposed to be on set eight minutes ago.” 

“Chester doesn’t want to wear the choker,” Talinda said, slapping the strap into Forrest’s hand with an exasperated sigh before she turned on her heels and marched out of the room. 

“Forrest, I’m sorry,” Chester said immediately. “But, I, I don’t want anything around my neck like that.” He still had one hand on his throat. Nothing was coming near it. “I’m not trying to be difficult, I just can’t do that. I, I can’t.” He knew his face was flushed with emotion, his chest heaving slightly. 

Forrest looked from Chester to Ryan, the two of them standing close, and Forrest knew the fight was lost. He’d hired the former YRS performers as a team, and that’s exactly what they were, in every moment and for every occasion. If Chester didn’t want to do something, he knew Ryan would be right there, backing him up. For a brief moment, Forrest thought to ask why the simple leather strap was offensive, but the look in Chester’s eyes - the strained, trapped animal look - made him think better of it. “It’s okay, Chester,” he finally said, reaching to pat him on the shoulder. “You look just fine without it.” 

**** 

Mike set down his paintbrush and reached to tap his iPhone screen. _2:37_ flashed at the top of the screen, on top of a selfie he’d taken of him and Chester on the beach, many months ago. The screen went dark before Mike had a chance to fully study the picture - Chester’s red-tipped mohawk on full display as he looked at Mike and laughed. Mike pressed the home button again and looked at his own face, his grin wide, his spikey blue hair a relic of the past.

_Feels like it’s been a long time since we had that kind of fun together. Carefree, that’s a good word for it. Everything seems so hard right now._ He let the screen go black again, this time for good. _They’ll be home soon. Ches texted almost a half-hour ago to say they were on their way. At least it was a short day. Usually when they work Saturdays, it’s an all day thing._

Mike wanted to have his paints cleaned up and put away before Chester came in. The only time he dragged all his supplies out anymore was when his boyfriend was gone, knowing that the extra bit of clutter was stressful in the small space. _I’m good about it, though. I keep it out of the kitchen, and confined to my little area under the stairs. One day I’m going to have a huge art room, where I can disappear for hours, and leave things out all over my workspace, because it’s just mine._ He stood up and started to gather the things that needed to be rinsed before he could lay them out to dry and eventually store them again. 

“You’re already done?” Jason asked from the bed in the corner. He rubbed his left hand lazily over the dark blue blanket as he looked over at Mike, his computer on his lap.

“Yeah, for today. They’ll be home soon, I wanted to clean up for Ches.” Mike carried his paintbrushes and palette over to the kitchen sink. “At least get these rinsed out before he walks in. I don’t want him to see what kind of mess it makes cleaning these up. It always looks worse before it looks better.”

“Most things do,” Jason replied. He turned his attention back to the open control panel on his laptop screen. He wasn’t trying to actively hide what he was looking at, but he had been waiting to check on the YRS site until he had a little bit of alone time, without the others hovering nearby. It had become habit, logging on to look at the hits, the downloads for purchase, and to track what clicks were bringing him money. _I know Mike doesn’t like to think about it, but his videos with Chaz are some of our most popular stuff on the site. All of Chester’s videos are. The ones with Ry, and the ones with Mike._

As Mike rinsed out his brushes, Jason looked at the tally of hits on the infamous _Piano Room_ video before he compared it to his spreadsheet. _He’d absolutely hate to know this is their best ranked video. I’m sure Chaz knows. He was always up on that stuff. He took a lot of pride in being the best._ He compared a few more things of Chester’s before he finally clicked over to look at the older stuff on the site. Stuff he wasn’t getting royalties from, stuff where he was sometimes the star.

“What have you been working on?” Mike called over his shoulder while he laid his brushes out to dry on a dish towel. 

Jason glanced over at the kitchen. Mike’s back was to him, and the thought to lie crossed his mind before he sighed. “Going through stats on the website,” he answered, hoping it was vague enough. The website could be any one of several he’d designed and produced video edits for, so it wasn’t exactly untrue.

Mike turned off the water and wiped his hands off before he went back to the table to take his canvas off the easel and put it out of the way to dry. He only looked at the landscape for a second before he moved it. It was darker and more ominous than most things he painted, and more like his moody sketches he drew when he was unhappy. Those feelings were the subject of his art more and more these days. _Because I’m not happy. Ches isn’t happy, and nothing I do is changing that. I’m not helping him. Everything is so hard._ He didn’t really know what to do with the painting. It wasn’t something he necessarily wanted displayed on the walls. It didn’t match, and it would only bring questions from Chester that he didn’t want to answer. _ Oh well. It will just sit in the corner with the others for now. We don’t have anywhere to hang anything else anyway_ He folded up his easel and started to walk it over to its home under the stairs. “Which site?” he asked, just to keep the conversation going

Jason stopped what he was doing and looked at Mike, assessing whether or not he wanted to tell him. He watched Mike bend over, taking in the curve of his ass as he moved things around under the stairs. As the cameraman and editor, most of the watching Jason did of YRS videos was from a purely artistic point of view. Making sure the angles were good, the lighting was done correctly, that his camera shifts and scene changes made sense. He’d never watched them from the viewpoint of just enjoying the scene, but being close to Mike made him miss watching him through the camera. There was something so appealing about watching the younger boy, and Jason felt a familiar twinge of desire watching Mike bend over in front of him. It was enough to make him want to click on one of Mike’s videos and watch his face as Chester pleasured him. 

“Jay? Which site?” Mike asked again, turning around to catch Jason staring at him.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t hear you.” Jason smiled as Mike stepped around the stairs and came to the side of the bed, a grin on his face. He closed the top of his laptop as Mike sat down next to him, and decided to just tell the truth. “I was checking the statistics on the YRS site. I keep track to make sure I’m getting my royalties.” He reached over and rubbed his hand over Mike’s knee. 

Mike’s face twisted into a grimace. “Oh. I forgot you can do that.” He scratched his fingernails over the blanket instead of looking at Jason. 

“I don’t have to watch the videos to do it,” Jason said quickly. “There’s a control panel. I just log in and look at the titles, and the hits.”

“Oh,” Mike said again, his eyes dark as he looked up at Jason. “I guess it’s a good idea to keep track of all that. I hate how all of that stuff is out there… forever.”

Jason’s eyebrows furrowed together in thought. “You knew that was going to be the case when you signed on,” he said, still stroking Mike’s knee.

“I guess. I didn’t really think about it at the time. I was just thinking about Ches. Trying to keep him safe. I wasn’t thinking about the long term consequences.” Mike looked around the loft slowly before his eyes came back to rest on Jason. “It’s all so different now. I never would have predicted any of this.”

“So true.” Jason snorted softly under his breath. “If you would have told me Ry and I would be living in the downstairs of my own loft with another couple a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. Totally unreal.” 

Mike dropped his eyes to Jason’s hand on his knee. _Ches and I should have moved out of here months ago. I should have found another job so we could have. Now it’s all so mixed up, and things are so far gone with me and Jay, and him and Ryan, I’m not sure how to pull it back. I’m not even sure I could talk Ches into leaving now._ The idea that Chester might not be willing to leave Ryan was one he’d thought about a lot in the past several weeks. It was a subject he wanted to bring up to his boyfriend, but he really didn’t know how. “We’re all a mess, aren’t we?” He closed his eyes and tried to remember what it was like before the walls had come down around Ryan and Chester, before he had to endure them kissing and touching all the time. _It was all before what happened between me and Jay. That made it impossible for me to say anything at all to Ches about Ryan. And now look where we are._

Jason scooted over on the bed and let go of Mike’s knee, using that hand to tap the mattress next to him. “Come here. We’re all a little messed up. All the proof of that is right here.” He smoothed his other hand over the top of his Macbook as Mike settled next to him. “But there’s other stuff, tons of things I’ve caught on camera over the years, that shows we’re just like anyone else. You’ve got to stop being so ashamed of having porn in your past. I’ve got it, too.”

“I know,” Mike said quietly. He looked over at Jason’s laptop. _I have such a hard time imagining Jay actually in the movies. It’s as crazy as me being in them._ “Ches used to tell me how good our videos did, but I never watched any of them. I only looked at the site once, after you put up that video of us in the piano room…”

“You know he forced me to do that, Mike. I would have never done that on my own.” 

“I know that now. At the time, though… it felt like a huge betrayal.” Mike looked quickly at Jason, then back at the closed laptop. “Ches told me once that was our best movie.”

Jason nodded, flipping open his laptop. “It is. I think it’s the most popular one on the whole site.”

“God, don’t tell me that,” Mike moaned, covering his eyes with his hands. “It’s so embarrassing. The things we said… nobody should have known any of that.”

“That’s what made people love it.” Jason reached over and took one of Mike’s hands away from his face so he could see him. “You’re so genuine, Mike. So opposite of a porn star. That’s what I always saw looking at you,” he said softly.

Mike felt his pulse quicken. “You saw a lot of things, didn’t you?” He cracked his eyes open and was immediately sucked into Jason’s intense gaze. “What’s it like being on your side of the camera?” he asked without meaning to. It had never crossed his mind once to ask Jason about his job at YRS, yet here he was doing it now.

Jason pulled Mike’s hand down and held it next to him, lacing their fingers together as he broke their gaze and opened his computer with his other hand. “I tried to protect you, Mike. I tried to keep _you_ out of the scenes, and just let Kenji be seen.”

Nobody had uttered the name “Kenji” since they’d all left YRS, and hearing it was a shock to Mike’s ears. “I wasn’t very good at keeping it about Kenji.” Mike shook his head as Jason’s computer screensaver disappeared and the control panel came into view. “Ches was so good at turning it all off. The only way I could do anything in front of the camera was to just be myself. Ches could just go to this place where it wasn’t really him. I hated that place.” 

“I know.” Jason looked at his screen. “I’ve got all kinds of footage that never touched the site. Silly, candid stuff, and cut scenes, things I decided not to use for whatever reason. Hours of it.” He clicked around. “These over here are just videos I shot of downtime at work, stuff at the pool, or when we were traveling.” There was a whole folder devoted to candid footage of Ryan, camouflaged as promo weekend outtakes. He clicked on it, and little thumbnails of different scenes sprang to life.

“You’re not joking. There’s tons of stuff in there.” Mike leaned over to look at the screen closer. “What are you going to do with all of that stuff?”

“I don’t know. For now, it just lives here. Maybe I’ll put some of it up eventually.” Jason turned to look at Mike, to gauge his reaction to the idea of putting anything new on the YRS site.

“Can you do that?” Mike murmured absently as he examined the thumbnails, finding some with Chester in them.

“I own all the footage I recorded. And the contracts state that I can do whatever I want with it. I could put out a whole series of leftover stuff if I wanted to.” Jason clicked a thumbnail of Ryan and the video expanded on the screen. The sound was muted, and together Mike and Jason watched about thirty seconds of Ryan and Chester in the pool, their laughter silent.

“Is it all like this?” Mike asked softly.

“Like what? Just fun stuff?” Jason saw Mike nod. “No. There’s cut scenes, too. New and old stuff.” He backed out of the video and clicked another.

There were people Mike didn’t know, had never met, on screen around a campfire. The camera lingered on each model for a few seconds, and then made its way around the circle to Ryan and Chester. Mike leaned a little more forward, watching the silent movie as Chester said something that made Ryan laugh, then Ryan leaned forward and kissed the side of Chester’s neck. 

Jason was about to click out of the video, but when Mike saw the cursor cross the screen, he hissed, “no!” They watched for another few seconds, as Chester’s eyes closed and Ryan’s kisses found his lips. “I guess they’ve always been like that,” Jason murmured, watching Ryan - before he was Jason’s lover - brush his hand over Chester’s cheek softly.

“I don’t want to watch a scene with them,” Mike said firmly, turning his head away from the screen and looking at Jason.

“It’s not a scene. This was just all the guys hanging out. I was filming for promo stuff. Mark saw this later and told them they couldn’t kiss unless it was for YRS. No unscripted messing around. No dating co-workers.” Jason let the video run as he looked at it more closely. “I always thought he was overreacting a little. That they were just being horny porn stars. I never really noticed how, how tender that looks.” He paused the video and looked at Mike. “Maybe you were right about them, Mike.” 

Mike pulled his hand from Jason’s. “Seriously? You’re going to change your mind now? You see it, don’t you?” He reached across Jason to restart the video, but Jason’s hand shot out and stopped him.

“They’ve just always been close. I hadn’t ever really looked at any of this old stuff. They had chemistry from day one. I just forgot about the off screen stuff, really.” Jason looked at the frozen video. “You don’t really need to see more, do you? You saw them at Amir’s party last week. It’s about the same.”

“Yeah, them totally making out in front of everyone? I saw it. You saw it. Everyone saw it.” Mike’s voice was edged with frustration. “And what is there to even say about it, Jay? It’s all a mess, like I said. When I can just lean over and kiss you, and Ches doesn’t even blink, how am I supposed to tell him he can’t do the same? We were all right here on this bed together, and I wanted you so bad I let Ryan suck him off, right next to me. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, it’s so confusing.” Mike looked at the computer screen. “And this whole time you’ve been saying it’s just them. Just the way they are. But what’s our excuse, Jay? What if underneath it all, we’re no better than they are? What if Ryan’s been holding a torch for Ches this whole time, and you and I are just collateral damage? You see it now, don’t you?”

Jason looked at Mike, who seemed on the verge of an emotional meltdown as he repeated his same question from earlier. A question Jason didn’t want to answer because it was true. He _could_ see it now, where he’d never been able to before. There was something past a sense of familiarity and comfort with Ryan and Chester. He could see tenderness in that stopped video, and he didn’t want to look any further. He didn’t want to see expressions that screamed _love_. “I didn’t say they were in love, Mike,” he said hesitantly. “But I can see why things have gotten the way they are between them. We’re all here, together, and when you and I got… closer… it allowed them to be that way, too. I think it’s natural with them.” He closed the top of his laptop again and looked at Mike. “They’ve got chemistry. And we’ve got chemistry.” _Just like Mark said._

“I never wanted this,” Mike said, standing up from the bed. “I don’t believe in this sharing, this openness. It’s not right. And you and I can excuse what we did all day long by saying we were forced to do it, but how does that explain the second time? How does it explain us laying in bed together kissing each other senseless? I’m not a cheater, Jay, I don’t want to be like that, but with you, it doesn’t feel wrong! Is that because Ches and Ryan want each other, too? So it’s all just okay, because they’ve _always been that way?_” Both his hands were on his hips as he stared down at Jason on the bed, his heart racing. 

“I don’t know, Mike,” Jason said truthfully. “I don’t know! I’m sorry that we connect on a different level than I connect with Ry. We hardly have anything in common, but you and me, we can talk about anything. It’s different. I know you feel that. I know if you really looked at things with Chaz, would you say you’re happy all the time? I know you aren’t. When was the last time you guys had sex, Mike?”

Mike took a step back from the bed. “That’s so wrong,” he stated. “You know that’s his meds. It has nothing to do with Ryan.” Mike shook his head, like he didn’t want anything Jason said to be true. “That’s not his fault.”

“But he didn’t have a hard time coming for Ry, did he? No more than you had a hard time letting me go down on you.” Jason was up on his knees on the bed now, ready to step off and grab Mike. “We both wanted that, and these last weeks have been ridiculous, trying to go on like nothing has changed. Everything has changed, don’t you see that?” 

“I don’t want to see that,” Mike insisted stubbornly. “I don’t want you to be right, I never wanted to be right about them.” He started to turn away, to put some distance between him and Jason and this conversation he didn’t want to have, but Jason was off the bed in a flash.

“No. You’re not going to walk away from me,” Jason said, “and besides, there’s nowhere to go in here. You can’t get away, and I know you hate that, but face it, Mike. It’s not going to go back to the way it was. The second we all laid down naked on this bed together, it all changed.”

Mike rubbed his hand over his eyes and shook his head. “Stop,” he whispered weakly. “We can’t do this. We’ve both made promises, and not to each other.”

Jason pulled Mike’s hands away from his face and a small smile crossed his lips as Mike kept his eyes tightly shut, as though that would stop him from facing the truth. “All those promises were made when we were other people, Mike. I know you love Chaz. And you’re trying so hard to make it work. But maybe it’s not right for either of you. Maybe you want more.” He let go of one of Mike’s hands and reached for his face, running his fingers over the soft facial hair that looked so good on him. “Just because Chaz was your first doesn’t mean he has to be your forever. If it’s not right, if it’s not working, why are you forcing it?”

Mike pressed his lips together as a shudder went through his body. The thought of giving up his idea that sex was forever - that it meant committment in the highest form - was scary. It would be a complete defeat of everything he thought he knew, the whole reason he’d been so willing to compromise his morals and beliefs to get entwined in a lifestyle that he wasn’t proud of. A lifestyle he’d tried to distance himself from as soon as his YRS contract was null and void. _I do love him. But maybe Jason’s right. Maybe I need to stop forcing it if it’s never going to work. How do I know it will never work though?_

Jason could read the indecision on Mike’s face even with his eyes still tightly shut. “If there’s even a little part of you that wants me, Mike, then stop denying it. You and I could be so right for each other.” He leaned closer, his hand moving to Mike’s hair as he dropped a small kiss to Mike’s cheek. Then his ear, and Jason could feel the indecision coming off of Mike. “Stop pretending you don’t enjoy having me on your arm at a restaurant or an art show. We’re good together, Mike, and I can’t stop thinking about that night upstairs. I wish I hadn’t stopped you.” 

Mike sighed then, as though every part of him that was resisting Jason had just been washed away. “I didn’t want to stop,” he admitted. “If Ches and Ryan hadn’t been downstairs, I wouldn’t have.”

Jason’s lips were next to Mike’s ear, and they curled into a victory smile before he kissed the spot that made Mike’s knees weak. “They’re not here now,” he husked, wondering exactly how much longer it would be before their boyfriends strolled through the door. Jason pulled back enough to see Mike’s face, to see him teetering on the edge of saying yes, and that was all it took for him to kiss Mike’s downturned lips.

Without any hesitation, Mike’s hands found Jason’s hips and hauled him in closer, his body reacting instantly to Jason’s hands and hot kisses. His mind was racing, trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to do, battling with what he knew he should do. Just because Chester hadn’t been physically affectionate in the past few weeks didn’t mean he could just fall into bed with Jason.

Then Mike let Jason push him the few steps back to the bed and they dropped on it together, Jason’s hands on either side of Mike’s face as they landed. Mike’s elbow caught the corner of the laptop and he winced before Jason pushed it aside, his knees on either side of Mike’s hips as he pressed down, rocking their hips together urgently. Mike’s hands were already down the back of Jason’s shorts, holding them tightly together as their kisses lit a fire in his stomach. It was too easy to let Jason’s lips and tongue coax him into participating willingly, the contact of their bodies getting him hard even through the layers of clothing they were wearing.

Jason felt the moment Mike tried to reverse their positions, to be in control, and he pulled back, shaking his head as he looked down into Mike’s dark eyes. “Oh no. This is exactly how I want you, Mike. I can’t get the idea of you on your back out of my head.” He could swear he saw Mike’s pupils dilate as he pressed a hand to his chest and told him how things were going to be, his voice sultry and low.

“Jay,” Mike groaned, reaching to pull him down in total opposition to his words, “we have to stop.” 

Their lips crashed together again and Jason felt Mike kissing him back desperately as he fumbled with the top of Mike’s pajama pants, slipping his hand inside. He was gratified to find his hand met with dampness, with the sticky start of precum, and Jason knew Mike could verbally deny it all he wanted, but he was turned on. It was reckless and stupid to want to fuck Mike on the bed he shared with Ryan, but Jason knew that’s where they were headed. “We’ll be quick,” Jason promised as he wrapped his hand around Mike’s cock.

“God, _fuck_,” Mike hissed, his eyes popping open to find Jason’s face. “That feels fucking good.” He couldn’t remember the last time Chester had looked at him the way Jason was looking at him now, and he was ready to go. 

“I know exactly how to make you feel good,” Jason whispered, his hand slipping along Mike’s length with ease. “And you, you’re going to feel amazing when I’m inside of you.” His mouth was open, breathing heavily as he watched Mike bite down on his bottom lip and stifle a moan. Jason shook his head, wishing Mike would just let go. “You don’t have to be quiet with me. I love your voice.” 

Mike tried to keep his eyes on Jason’s face but he couldn’t, his eyes closing as Jason touched him. It had been too long since he’d felt as desired as he did right now, and it was almost enough for him to give in, to tell Jason to fuck him hard and consequences be damned if Chester and Ryan walked in. The sudden thought of Chester coming home, of his boyfriend being confronted with his infidelity on the bed in the corner where they had all shared a night and then agreed to keep no secrets, stopped him.

“Jay,” he moaned, his voice sounding strangled, “we have to stop. Not like this, we can’t do this behind their backs.” Mike felt Jason falter, his hand stopping the glorious strokes to his cock. “We agreed. No secrets.”

Jason looked at Mike’s flushed face, at the thin sheen of sweat that was already across his forehead. “I don’t want to stop,” he whispered, his own heart racing.

“But I can’t. I can’t do this.” Mike took a deep breath. “I want you, god, I want you bad. But not like this.” He reached down and pulled Jason’s hand free. “Come on, we’re better than this.”

Jason closed his eyes and sucked in the air slowly, forcing his body to calm down. “Maybe we are… but what if they aren’t?” He couldn’t help but cast doubt on Ryan and Chester, even though he knew if their boyfriends were screwing around behind their backs, it didn’t justify what they’d been about to do.

“Let me up, Jay.” Mike was practically panting, his heart still beating fast. “If they are, if they’re keeping secrets, then fine.” He sat up as Jason slid off his lap. “But I can’t take any more secrets between us. If this happens, it’s not going to happen this way.” Mike reached over and took Jason’s hand. “You want to be better than that, too, right?”

There was something pleading in Mike’s eyes that forced Jason to agree, to mouth the words, “yes, I do,” when all he wanted to do was take Mike then, make Mike Shinoda _his_. But he put space between them, backing off to sit on the edge of the mattress as Mike turned to face the other way. “At some point, Mikey, you have to stop denying what’s happening. At some point, you’ll see, you and I? We’re far more compatible with each other than Ry and Chaz. And I think the two of them are just waiting for our blessing.”

Mike ran his hands up over his hair and stood up, adjusting his dick and his boxers underneath his pajama pants. “You have to let me decide if I want to give them that blessing,” Mike said. “I have to know I did everything I could to keep us together first, Jay. I owe him that right now.”

There was a silence, the two of them listening to the others labored breathing, before Jason said. “I’m right here when you make up your mind.” He turned his head, looking at Mike’s back and the shiver that flowed through the younger man as he whispered, “I’m not going to let you get away.” 

*****

“Ry, stop a minute,” Chester whispered just before he could open the door to the loft. “I, I don’t want Mike to know,” he said, looking at Ryan’s lips instead of his eyes. That was easier. “About what happened at work...about the choker.” 

Ryan’s eyes narrowed. “Why? Chaz, what you did was a good thing. I was so proud of you.” He tried to offer his friend a smile, but Chester had dropped his gaze to the floor. “You stood up for yourself, and it was awesome. And nothing bad happened,” he made sure to remind Chester. “Forrest wasn’t mad or even upset, and the pictures turned out fantastic. You were a sexy leopard, and you did it on your terms.”

Chester’s heart lifted. Everything Ryan just said was true. Their boss has been very pleased with how the pictures had turned out, and even Talinda had warmed back up to him by the end of the shoot. “I know,” he admitted, “but I still don’t want Mike to know. He’ll take it personally.” Chester’s hand drifted up to his neck, his fingers smoothing over his skin absently. “Because of what happened, he’ll take it as something against him.” 

“Well maybe he fucking should, Chester.” Ryan cupped his mouth for a minute in thought. It was a touchy subject, and one that was usually kept to a minimum. Anytime Mike’s name came up, Chester was automatically on the defense. “He hurt you,” he stated, deciding things needed to be said. “More than once. And maybe he didn’t _mean_ to, but the result is the same.”

“Well he’s not going to do it again,” Chester shot back suddenly, his pulse on the rise. “And I mean that, Ry, so you don’t have to worry about it.” He turned away, facing the door instead. “Just don’t say anything. I know him. He’ll connect it all together, the collar incident and us not having sex lately, and if you tell him I freaked out about my neck today, he’ll get upset. I don’t want him to be upset with me anymore than he already is.” 

Ryan let out a slow exhale before he put his hand on Chester’s shoulder. “Okay. I won’t say a word.” 

“Thank you,” Chester whispered before he opened the door and they stepped inside. 

Mike heard the door open and he exhaled sharply before he went to meet Chester. The moment he came into view, Mike had his hands out, ready to take his boyfriend in his arms. “Perfect timing. I just put away my canvas.” 

Jason narrowed his eyes slightly at the back of Mike’s head as he stood up from the bed. “Yeah. Perfect timing. I just finished my work, too.” He glanced back over at his laptop, which was safely shut. “How was the morning? I was surprised when Mike said you were on your way, Ry. Usually Saturdays are an all day thing.” 

Ryan sidestepped Mike and Chester. He really wasn’t in the mood to watch them make out. _Mike’s hands are always so greedy for him._ He grumbled under his breath before he flashed a nice big smile to Jason. “We were just taking shots today for the Score website. Kinda like promo days used to be at YRS.” He met Jason by the bed, gently kissing him on his cheek. “Easy stuff. What about you? Working on a Saturday?” He glanced down at the laptop. He knew Jason could do some of his work at home, but usually not over the weekends. 

“Yeah, nothing major. Just checking some stats.” Jason’s eyes went over Ryan’s shoulder to Mike, who had his arms around Chester and his tongue in his mouth. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _Five minutes ago he wanted me, now look at him._ The thought crossed his mind that maybe Mike _didn’t_ want him, that it was all a product of the lack of sex between him and Chester, and his heart pinched a little. “Glad you’re home,” Jason mumbled, catching Ryan’s chin in his hand and bringing him close for a passionate welcome home kiss. 

The kiss was welcomed after a morning of worrying, and Ryan leaned into it. He wrapped his arms around Jason, coaxing him closer. His eyes shut, his heart beating a little faster for his lover. “I’m glad to be home,” he whispered when they finally broke apart. His hand slid down Jason’s side to his hip. “We have the whole rest of the day. I’m up for anything. Whatever you want to do.” 

Jason kept his eyes on Ryan. “How about early dinner and a movie? Let’s go out to Santa Monica, we can walk the pier, too, if there’s time.” He feathered his fingers along Ryan’s hairline and smiled. 

“That sounds amazing. We haven’t done anything like that in a long time, or,” he stopped, his face complex with thought. “We’ve never done that,” he corrected. Even though they’d been living together at the loft for months, Jason still wasn’t very keen on being in public together, at least not as boyfriends. “But I love Santa Monica. It’s one of my favorite places.” He pressed another kiss to Jason’s lips, saying he’d like to jump in the shower first before he turned around. Mike still had his hands all over Chester, like he was suddenly trying to prove some point. _Chester loves going to Santa Monica, too. I can’t even remember the last time we got to go. And I know he’d love to see a movie. I wonder if Jay would mind if I invited them? If Mike can keep his damn tongue to himself for half a second._

He let out a long breath before he headed over to his side of the bed to find something suitable for a night out. Already his fingers and toes were alight with excitement. A date night where they went and did something his speed was much needed. “If you’re okay with it,” he said to Jason as he plopped a clean pair of jeans onto the bed, along with a studded belt, “I know Chaz would love to go, too, and get a break from this place. We could double date.” 

Jason paused for just a second. It wasn’t his intention to spend any more time with Mike today. They’d already toed the line, and it was obvious Mike was trying to bring them both back from it. But when he looked at Ryan, and the excitement he had over going out for something so simple as Santa Monica, he couldn’t say no. “If you want to ask, sure, Ry, it’s fine.”

The loft was small. Mike had heard Ryan’s request and Jason’s agreement, and he shot an irritated glance at them. _I don’t want to go out. I want to stay right here with Chester, alone for once. Maybe if we’re alone we can work though his meds, if I’m patient enough. If I try hard enough._ “Haven’t you two spent enough time together today?” Mike complained hatefully. “It’s like you can’t be away from Ches for five minutes, even to go on a date with your own boyfriend.” He let Chester go to take a step in Ryan’s direction. “We’re not going out. You two have fun.” His eyes snapped over to Jason defiantly. 

Chester hadn’t heard any of the conversation happening across the loft, and he looked from Mike’s upset stance to Ryan, who suddenly seemed hurt. “What? Going out where?” he asked, looking from one to the other. 

“To Santa Monica,” Ryan deadpanned as he picked up his clothes from the bed and headed for the bathroom. “It’s okay, Chaz, maybe you can go next time.” He shot Mike a quick glare as he went, but didn’t say anything. Fighting with Mike would only lead to Chester getting hurt somehow, and that was a hard line for Ryan to cross. Swallowing his pride and brushing it off was a better option. “I’ll be quick,” he said to Jason over his shoulder before disappearing behind the door. 

“Mike,” Chester said, taking the step to get beside him, “what was that all about?” He pointed at the bathroom door. “He was just asking, there’s no reason to be mean to him. And I like Santa Monica.” He kept his shoulders back, his eyes fixed on his boyfriend’s. If there was one thing he was learning in therapy, it was that he mattered. His self-worth, and his viewpoint on it, had been a large topic of conversation during the sessions. 

“I just thought we could be alone, Ches, please.” Mike’s voice dropped as he tried to look convincing. “They’re going out, and it’s been so long. Come on, babe, you know what I mean.” He reached out and caught Chester’s hand. “Just you and me. Doesn’t that sound better than Santa Monica?”

Jason turned away, his gaze landing on his laptop as he listened to Mike almost pleading for Chester’s attention. _I don’t know why he’s trying so hard. He’s so stubborn. Everything he needs to know about Ry and Ches is right there in that video._ An unexpected sting of tears hit him as he fully realized how his boyfriend had always had eyes for Chester Bennington. _If Mark had let them date, he’d have never chosen me. If Mark had let them date, Mike would have never come to YRS, those videos he hates wouldn’t exist, Mark would still be here._ He cut himself off from that train of thought. There was only so far down the “what if” chain he could get before he was paralyzed with regrets. 

Chester’s stance softened as he lifted Mike’s hand and kissed the back of it. “Of course it sounds better, and I know it’s been a long time since we’ve had alone time.” He let out a sigh. He knew exactly what Mike had in mind, and already the thought was both exciting and nerve wracking. He hated it every time he had to tell his boyfriend no lately. Every time his body let him down, and wouldn’t cooperate. _But if we have the whole night alone, maybe everything can relax enough and I can get into it._ He mentally death-glared his penis, ordering it to behave and to be nice for Mike, before he let his boyfriend’s hand go. “We can stay in, but there’s no reason to be like that to Ryan,” he whispered. “He’s been stressed out enough.” He nodded his head back toward Jason, who had turned away and wasn’t paying them any attention. 

Mike tried not to make a face. “Sorry,” he mumbled, even though he wasn’t sorry. He was tired of Ryan being everywhere. He was particularly on edge after the unexpected twist of his afternoon, and it seemed so important to have time with just Chester. 

It wasn’t much of an apology, but for now Chester would take it. “Are you hungry? I can make us something. We didn’t have much to eat for lunch at work.” Already his mind was working forward as he ran his kitchen’s inventory through his mind. Mike didn’t want to go out, so that meant either getting take out or he could whip them up something. _Something with cheese,_ he decided as he stared at the refrigerator like he had x-ray vision to see inside it.

“I’m always hungry,” Mike answered, following him into the kitchen. “I’ll eat anything. Whatever will make you happy.” He waited to hear what Chester would suggest. Whatever it was, Mike was ready to embrace it with enthusiasm. _Enthusiasm. And attention. I’ll rub his feet and his back, I’ll kiss him everywhere. We’ll be alone. There’ll be time. He’ll enjoy it, and he’ll want me. Right?_ There was a crushing moment of self-doubt like he hadn’t felt since he and Chester were first dating. Too many times in the past weeks he’d been turned down. Gently, but turned down all the same. “And then we can shower and go upstairs. I want to kiss you everywhere,” he whispered, wrapping his hands around Chester’s waist and pulling their bodies together. “What do you think?” 

Mike’s eagerness was almost overwhelming in that moment as Chester stood unsure. He couldn’t promise anything, not with the way things were, and the last thing he wanted to do was get Mike’s hopes up, just to let him down later. He could feel Mike’s hot breath on the back of his neck, and already his insides weren’t feeling right. He shut his eyes, trying to sort himself out as conflicting things swirled through him. _Focus on what I can do. What’s in my control._

He opened his eyes and took a step forward, out of Mike’s reach before he turned around. “How about French Dips? We have the stuff. And I can make some of those potato wedges you like...we’ll cover them in cheddar cheese, sour cream, and chives,” he suggested, just the sound of it all making his stomach growl. The tiny chicken sandwiches they’d been given at work via Forrest’s favorite froo-froo eatery, just hadn’t been enough. “And a shower sounds nice, too,” he added. _I love it when we shower together. That always turns a little naughty. If we’re going to get anywhere tonight, the shower will be a great start._ “I can’t even remember the last time we showered together.” 

“It’s been too long,” Mike confirmed as Ryan stepped out of the bathroom. His attention bounced from Chester pulling together ingredients to Jason and Ryan getting ready to walk out the door. They couldn’t leave fast enough. Every time Mike looked at Jason he felt things he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel, and everytime he looked at Ryan he was hit with jealousy. _Ryan’s getting everything right now. Chester’s attention, and Jason’s. He doesn’t need both. He needs to take Jason and go._

“Do you need any help?” he asked Chester, trying to focus. 

“Sure,” Chester said, keeping one eye on Ryan and Jason as they stuck their wallets in their back pockets, and talked softly about where to go to eat. “You can get some potatoes out and start peeling them.” He flashed his attention back to Mike. “And then we’ll slice them up and get them in the oven. The sandwiches won’t take long.” In that very moment his stomach growled so loud that everyone turned to stare. 

“I’m starving,” Chester announced, unapologetically. “We’ve got to get Forrest to give us more food at work.” 

“I know,” Ryan agreed, his gaze lingering over his shared smile with Chester. “Well, we’re out. Have a good night.” He waved towards the couple, though he really only meant it for Chester. 

“Bye!” Chester was quick to say. “Have fun!” 

“We will!” Ryan shouted over his shoulder, just before he opened the front door and followed Jason out into the hallway. _This is good. Maybe Mike was right. Me and Jay could use some time alone...Jay actually suggested it, so that means he really wants to spend time together._ He only glanced over his shoulder at the door once, before his attention was fully on Jason, and all the fun they were going to have, and even though he’d left Chester behind with Mike, he still hoped they would have a good time, too.

**** 

The small lamp on Chester’s side of the bed was still on when Mike turned the television off and put the remote on his nightstand. It was quiet in the loft, just the sound of Chester’s breathing as he slept next to him, facing the stairs. 

_I can’t even see his face,_ Mike thought sadly. _It’s like he’s miles away from me. If I snuggle up next to him now, would he even notice?_ Chester had fallen asleep at his side, tucked up under Mike’s arm after their attempt at intimacy hadn’t gotten far. He’d put every ounce of his attention, his care and his love, into kissing his boyfriend, and though Chester had kissed him back, his body just hadn’t responded the way Mike had hoped it would.

He sighed and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. _Jay looked at me with more arousal earlier, and I wasn’t even trying. What does that mean? Is he right? Is it more than the meds, is something really going on between Ches and Ryan?_ Mike had never _really_ thought that Chester would be messing around with Ryan behind his back, but now that Jason was starting to see the connection between their boyfriends, the idea was nagging at him. 

_Dinner was good. He let me cook a little bit, and we ate together and talked about our day. And when I suggested a shower, Ches seemed excited for it, but it was sweet more than anything else. Not that there’s anything wrong with sweet. But there used to be a time that showering together always ended in sex. I was trying to do all the things he likes. And he couldn’t do it. He offered to go down on me, but he wasn’t even hard. No way I’m taking advantage of him like that again._ One-sided intimacy felt empty to him, and Mike sighed again. He didn’t think he’d imagined the relief in Chester’s eyes when he’d said no to the offered blow job, and it hadn’t taken long after he’d flipped on the tv for Chester to fall asleep. _I wonder if he would have stopped Ryan. What if… what if we’ve all messed things up so much that he doesn’t even want me anymore? What if it’s not the meds, what if it’s me? What if we’ve gone so far now that there’s no going back? What if he’s in love with Ryan? Am I in love with Jason? Am I acting that way with him because Ches can’t have sex, or is it really more?_

The thought was scary. The idea that he and Chester had come apart, that Chester was in love with Ryan and he was falling for Jason was almost too much. _But what else is there to explain things? Is it really just the meds?_

Mike tried not to let bitter thoughts of how he’d been the one to stop Jason that afternoon invade his thoughts. He was frustrated, but it wasn’t supposed to be about sex. He knew he could have gotten that from Jason and the thought that he’d turned him down stung a little bit. _Maybe Ches wouldn’t even care. Maybe he is messing around with Ryan. And Jay… I know if I let it go too far, things will really change. I’m not that kind of person. I can’t just have sex with him on the side. No matter how bad things are with Ches. I can’t do that. It’s all or nothing._

That thought stopped him. _All or nothing? Could I leave Ches to be with Jay?_ He shook his head as he battled with himself. _I can’t leave Ches now. Not while he’s in therapy. That would be wrong. And… I would miss him. I’d miss him so much._

He heard keys in the lock downstairs and he scrunched his eyes closed as Ryan and Jason came in, pulling him out of his heavy thoughts. It was obvious they were trying to be quiet, but his ears picked up on each little sound from below - keys on the bar, phones being set aside. Someone went into the bathroom, and Mike heard the toilet flush and the water run, then they switched. There was movement from the corner of the downstairs, where Ryan and Jason’s bed was, and Mike figured they were getting ready to go to sleep. It _was_ late. The bathroom door opened again, and the light from below disappeared, leaving just the glow from Chester’s night lamp that Mike was too lazy to get up and turn off. 

Downstairs, Ryan was sitting on the bed. He was on his side, already stripped down to just his birthday suit. He had a pillow on his lap, hiding everything from sight as he waited for Jason to come out of the bathroom. _Dinner was great and the movie was okay. Walking on the pier was the best. He held my hand. Right there in front of everyone who could see us._ A sappy smile crossed his face. He could see his lover in his mind, thoughts of pulling Jason to the bed and running his fingers through his dark hair and up and down his thighs had already started the tingles of arousal. It wasn’t going to take much, a few kisses, some rubbing and body heat and he’d be ready. 

Ryan took a deep breath, trying not to get too excited as he waited. They’d been flirty-talking on the way home, both of them teasing back and forth about sex positions and how loud each of them could get. It had been fun, and even in the elevator on the way up to the sixth floor, Ryan had kept his hand on Jason’s ass the whole time. 

The memory from only a few minutes ago almost brought a giggle from Ryan’s throat, but he held it in, and sure enough his eyes drifted up. They’d only turned on one small light by the bed in the corner when they’d come in, and from where Ryan was sitting, he could tell that the lamp on Chester’s side of the bed was on, but nothing else. No television, and Mike’s side of the bedroom was dark. _I hope they had a good time, too. I really do. I know Chazzy wanted it all to work. He’s been wanting it to work._

For a second, the thought that both Mike and Chester must be asleep crossed his mind, and after looking at the time and recognizing that it wasn’t particularly late, he thought for sure that romance must of happened in their absence. _Good for him. I’ll hear all about it tomorrow._ It was a secondary boost to Ryan’s excitement, and when Jason stepped out of the bathroom, his body silhouetted and framed by the bathroom light, Ryan was ready for him. 

Jason smiled as soon as his eyes landed on Ryan. _That’s the fastest I’ve ever known him to get naked. It’s been a good night. A fun night._ He pulled off his shirt as he walked over to the bed, tossing it to the floor before he stopped in front of his boyfriend. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind,” he whispered as he unbuckled his belt. “We were _just talking_ about being loud, you think we can keep it down tonight?” He stepped out of his jeans and moved the pillow out of Ryan’s lap. A giggle escaped before he could stop it. He hadn’t expected Ryan to be completely undressed. “Ry! You’re so bad!” 

“I’m not bad!” Ryan tried to whisper back, even though he knew it had come out louder than he’d wanted. His hands went to Jason’s arms. “Get on the bed with me. I’m done talking, ready for some doing.” 

Jason left his underwear in a puddle on the floor and climbed right on Ryan’s lap, pressing his hands to Ryan’s chest. “You’re so aggressive,” he whispered playfully. “I’m ready, too.” He leaned forward and found Ryan’s lips, soft and warm for him, and he coaxed his boyfriend backwards as they kissed. They had kissed a little in the movie, and some more as they walked along the pier, but those little affectionate pecks were nothing like the consuming kisses they could share when they were naked.

Thoughts of being careful and quiet filtered over his mind as they got comfortable, but it wasn’t long before Ryan’s hands were doing things that made Jason breathless and excited, and more than once a louder sound escaped from one of them, usually followed by shushing and giggles. It was going to be hard to keep it down. 

Bits of sounds were filtering upstairs to Mike, and it was obvious to him what was about to happen downstairs. He lay in the bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, and listened to the giggles and whispers, then the soft moans that followed. It was Jason’s voice that bothered him, the way he was reacting to Ryan that made Mike imagine what they might be doing that would cause such a sound. He closed his eyes, picturing Jason’s face for a split second before his eyes snapped open and he sat up in the bed. _What is wrong with you? Ches is literally sleeping right next to you._

He pressed his hands together, rubbing his fingers nervously with the palm of his hand, then switching and doing the same with his other hand. _This is stupid. I need to turn the light out and just put my pillow over my head. Ches is asleep, and I should be, too. I’ll just block it out and go to sleep._

Mike stood up quietly and crept around the bed to the little table that held the lamp. He had good intentions. He really did mean to just turn the light off and go back to bed, but then he looked over the half wall, his eyes following the shadows of the room to the dim light next to Ryan and Jason’s bed. There was just enough light for him to see Jason already on his back and Ryan between his legs. 

He took a reflexive step back, looking down at Chester next to him. _He’s asleep. He won’t know if I stand here for a second and watch. For a second. That’s all._ Mike reached out to flick off their lamp and the upstairs went into total darkness as he held his breath for a moment. He heard Chester move, and it sounded like he rolled over, putting his back to Mike before he was still and quiet again, and then Mike stepped back up to the half wall.

Ryan was already in the middle of giving Jason a blow job, and Mike’s heart rate spiked instantly as he stood, totally transfixed, and watched Jason’s face. It didn’t take long for the sight in front of him to have him breathing a little heavy, and it didn’t surprise him at all that watching Jason enjoy Ryan’s attention was causing him to get hard. He’d practially been thinking about sex all day, and now he was watching what was going to very shortly lead to sex right in front of him. 

Mike looked over his shoulder again at Chester before he gave in. With one hand on the half wall, the other went right inside his pajama pants, straight to his cock, and he pushed away the anxious feeling that came with doing something so risky. Not only was he about to get himself off watching Ryan fuck Jason, he was doing it right next to his own boyfriend. 

He was already close before Jason even came, and Mike wanted to see it. He leaned forward, as though those few inches would afford him a better view, and seeing the pleasure roll over Jason’s face triggered Mike’s memory of the night they’d been on that same bed, but together. He bit his lip to hold back his own moan as he came after Jason in his hand, his head lowered as he tried to make quick work of the whole thing. He hadn’t thought far enough ahead to realize he had nothing to clean himself off with but his own clothes, and with sex still happening below him, Mike had no idea how long it would be until he could sneak to the bathroom and wash his hands.

Mike stepped back from the wall, shame creeping over him as he did. _I literally have no self control. Why did I do that? Ches would be upset if he knew._ He wanted to sit down and bury his face in his hands, but he couldn’t do that yet. He growled at himself as he wiped his hand on his pajamas and thought about what to do next. He needed new underwear and pajama pants, and he hoped Chester wouldn’t notice in the morning. _He probably didn’t even look at me when I put them on._ It was a bitter thought, one he couldn’t keep from invading his mind as he silently collected his things and waited.

It felt like an eternity before the downstairs light finally went off, after two more bathroom trips and someone going to the kitchen for water. Mike sat on the edge of the bed, not moving, until it seemed safe to go to the bathroom. He felt his way downstairs in the dark and then across the loft, stepping into the bathroom with his clean clothes in his clean hand. He couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror as he washed up, splashed water on his face, and took care of his business as quietly as he could.

To his relief, everything was still quiet as he left the bathroom and crossed back to the stairs, his other pajamas crumpled in a ball in his hand. Mike felt the fatigue of the day, his thoughts heavy as his foot landed on the bottom step.

There was a rustle of blankets behind him and Mike froze, two steps up, his breaths sounding loud in the silence that followed. He waited, and as he took his next step, he heard Jason’s voice from the bed, so low he almost didn’t hear him.

“So, Mikey… was that as good for you as it was for me?”

Mike felt his shoulders drop as he exhaled slowly. As quiet as he thought he’d been, somehow, Jason still knew, and from the sound of it, he knew exactly what Mike had done. He thought about turning around and making some excuse, but he knew Jason would see right through him. Instead, he just took a breath and continued up the stairs. “Good night, Jay,” he said quietly, embarrassed that he’d been caught watching, and embarrassed that Jason knew he’d gotten off doing so.

Jason didn’t say anything else. He listened to the soft footsteps on the stairs until Mike got to the top, then rolled closer to Ryan. _He’s already asleep. He’s always out like a light._ He snuggled his face into the space between Ryan’s chin and chest and closed his eyes as a deep yawn hit. It had been a good night, the first night he felt like he and Ryan had connected in a long time. As he listened to Ryan’s soft breaths, Jason wondered if tonight was something they would build on, or if Ryan would slide right back into the world of fashion and video games with Chester. 

_And then it would be me and Mike. Mike who says he doesn’t want me but kisses me the way he did this afternoon, and watches me and Ry… if he hadn’t walked away from me earlier he wouldn’t have had to watch. How long will it be until he realizes that? How long will it be until they all realize what’s happening?_

It was exhausting to think about. Trying to figure out which way things would go between the four of them was more than Jason wanted to worry about now. What he really wanted was to go to sleep, but thoughts of Mike, of Chester and Ryan, kept getting in the way. He kept trying to push away those thoughts while he waited for sleep to come and pull him under. 

****  
TBC


	19. Betrayal

It was already late in the day when Ryan and Chester left the Score Clothing studio. Their time had been filled with hours worth of headshots, lots of facial expressions and turning to the left and then the right, both alone and together. “I think my favorite shot from today was the one with you licking my plug,” Chester laughed as his fingers found the black and silver jewelry in his earlobe. He flipped it back and forth, the memory from a few hours ago of Ryan’s long tongue doing the same thing flooding back. He shifted in his seat. 

Ryan glanced over, pulling his eyes from the road as he drove them home. “You like that, don’t you? Me playing with your lobes.” 

Chester nodded. “I do. You might have to add that to your Things That Turn Chester On list.” He grinned as he flashed Ryan a smile. 

“Already done,” Ryan assured him, pointing to his head with one finger, like he’d just written it down on his invisible list. “I liked the ones we did with the black roses.” 

“You would,” Chester laughed. “It was okay. Kissing flowers,” he mumbled at the memory of them standing face-to-face while they held matching roses up, kissing them. Their profiles had come out looking good, Chester had to admit. The red background, the dark flowers, the way they’d stared into each other’s eyes, so close but not touching. 

“Well I like the flowers,” Ryan stated stubbornly. “And what are we doing for dinner? I’m starving. I could eat a whole pizza right now by myself.” 

“Pizza sounds good,” Chester seconded as he pulled his phone from his pocket. They weren’t far from home. “Maybe I’ll order us some instead of cooking.” He opened his browser, his intention to look up the nearby pizza place to start building two massive pizzas. After months of living with Ryan and Jason, he knew exactly how to split up two pizzas between the four of them. 

He was about to type in the name of the pizzaria, when his eyes flicked down to his three most visited sites, each one with a ready-to-click tab. His attention landed on the one for the YRS website. _I haven’t checked on our videos in awhile. At least a week. It’s still fun to see how they’re doing and read all the we-really-miss-you-guys comments._ He grinned as he clicked on it, and logged right into his profile. 

He made quick work of going to Charlie Bang’s personal profile page, and he scanned over all the new comments. He had to laugh at some and smile at others, reading each one out loud for Ryan. 

“Go check mine next,” Ryan insisted as they pulled into the parking lot of the loft. He didn’t keep up with the YRS site as much as Chester, he never had, but he would check it now and again. It was nice to be missed, nice to be appreciated, even for work that was done years ago. He turned the car off and looked over at Chester, who had a scowl on his face. “What? Charlie Bang getting some hate? Come on, Chaz, not everyone can love you.” 

“It’s not that,” Chester mumbled, his eyebrows squished together in concentration as he scrolled. “Something’s wrong. There’s stuff missing.” 

Ryan leaned over. “What do you mean stuff’s missing?” He tried to see Chester’s phone, but couldn’t make out too much. 

“The piano room video is gone. Like, totally gone!” Chester flipped through another page or two, his mouth agape as he searched. “All of my videos with Mike are gone,” he announced. “What the fuck?” 

“No,” Ryan denied. “It must just be a glitch or something. Refresh the page,” he suggested as he pointed at the screen.

Chester did, and he waited for the half second it took, but the page didn’t change. “It’s still not there,” he whined. 

Ryan pulled his phone out, and skipped right into the YRS site. “It’s not there on mine either,” he confirmed as he scrolled through the list of YRS top videos. “The ad for the piano room is even gone off the front page.” 

Chester quickly went into the site’s search function, typing in Kenji Kobayashi. “Mike’s profile is gone,” he announced, almost out of breath. His heart felt like it was speeding as he shook his head. “Nothing. There’s nothing here.” 

“Come on,” Ryan said, opening his car door. “Let’s get upstairs and let Jay know. He’ll have to call tech support.” 

Chester followed. He shut his car door and stood for a second, breathing in the ocean air. _Ry’s right. Jason will call the tech guys and they’ll fix it. Scary. It’s not just Mike’s stuff, but it’s my stuff. All my stuff from the last year is gone._ He didn’t want to think about that, and he shook it off as he slid his phone into the front pocket of his red and black checkered pants. He rubbed his arms as he rounded the car, ready to walk with Ryan inside. He pushed his tongue over his lip ring. “Poor Jason,” he mumbled. “He’s probably going to flip. I hope it won’t take the tech people long to get the videos back. Some of those get a lot of hits and downloads.” 

Ryan nodded as he tugged at the front of his leather jacket with both hands. “He’s going to be stressed. Anytime anything goes wrong with the site, he gets upset. And I know that video wasn’t planned,” he said, as he opened the door to the building for Chester, “but it’s a good money maker for Jay.” 

“I know it is. And it wasn’t planned, but, I don’t know. I’ve gotten over it.” Chester led the way to the elevator and he pushed the button as they waited. “Even though I still get people saying stuff about me being afraid of storms,” he grumbled. “You know I’ve gotten better,” he insisted, his hand going to his snug-fitting black tank top. “Kind of. I’m a work in progress.”

Ryan slid his arm right around Chester’s waist, his fingers dangling over his black studded belt as he kissed the side of his head. “You’re fine, Chazzy. And we’re _all_ a work in progress.” 

“Some more than others,” Chester whispered as he leaned into Ryan’s comforting body, and he felt himself calm down a step or two, just as the doors opened and they stepped onto the elevator. “I’ll let you break the news to Jay. He’ll take it better coming from you.”

“He’s going to be basketcase all night over this, if it’s not something simple to fix. I don’t know, Chazzy,” Ryan sighed as they rode up to the sixth floor, “maybe we should order some wine from the pizza place. Jay will probably want some. Can you get wine from the pizzeria?” 

Chester snorted as he clapped Ryan on the shoulder, squeezing him gently. “I don’t think so. But I’m sure we have something in the house Jay can have if he needs a drink.” 

Inside the apartment, Jason checked his phone again and tossed it back on the couch. _If Mike doesn’t get home soon, I won’t be able to talk to him today. Ry and Chaz will be strolling in, and that will be it for our alone time. He’s usually here by now._ He blew out a frustrated breath and tried to focus on the tv in front of him. He wasn’t really in the mood to watch anything, just in an endless cycle of channel flipping. He was fidgety, his leg bouncing as he waited for Mike to walk in. He couldn’t wait to see his face, and he could picture exactly how his bangs would be falling across his eyes, giving his whole face a softer look. 

He almost bolted off the couch when he heard keys at the front door. Jason flipped off the television and sat up, wiping his hands on his jeans, and turned around. The disappointment hit him squarely in the chest when he saw it was Chester and Ryan, but he tried to hide the annoyance when he greeted them. “Hey, you guys are early today.” 

Ryan checked his watch. “Not really. We’re actually running a little late.” He twisted around to catch Chester’s eyes. He knew it was on him to tell Jason about the trouble on the website. He hated giving Jason bad news. 

“I’m going to order pizzas,” Chester whispered wiggling his phone. “_You_ tell him.” He cleared his throat as he walked into the kitchen. “Jay? Is pizza okay for dinner? I know Mike will eat anything, but is that okay with you?” 

“Sure, that’s fine.” Jason got up to go to Ryan. “How was your day?” He reached out to pull Ryan into his arms and say hello properly. 

“My day was good,” Ryan answered, before they quickly exchanged kisses - simple pecks, both on the cheeks and the lips. He rubbed his hands up and down Jason’s back before he let him go and stepped back. “So, bad news,” he started, hoping his lover wouldn’t freak out too much. “On the way home Chester was looking at the YRS site, checking comments and stuff, and he...or we,” he corrected, his hand going to his chest, “noticed there’s some missing content. Videos, and pictures.” 

“It’s actually all of Mike’s stuff,” Chester offered from where he was leaned over the counter, his phone between his hands as he picked out pizza toppings for their dinner. “It’s really weird, Jay. You better let your tech guys know. Even our piano room scene is off the front page. It looks kinda bare now.” 

Jason looked between Ryan and Chester in surprise. He hadn’t expected either of them to go to the YRS site anytime soon. “I didn’t know you guys were keeping tabs on it,” he said. “But I guess there’s no sense in putting it off until Mike gets home, since you already know.” He frowned, annoyed at how they had somehow managed to ruin the surprise. “Nothing’s wrong with the site or anything. I pulled Mike’s stuff off today.” 

There was a united gasp between Ryan and Chester, both of them staring at Jason like he suddenly had a fish head. “What do you mean?” Chester managed to ask first as he stood up straight, the pizzas forgotten. “Why would you take it down?” 

“I was just thinking about it, about how we all got to this place.” Jason flung his hand around the room. “I was checking on the site and thinking about the hits and traffic and it was the piano room video. I just remember how much it upset you both when it got put up, and I realized, I own all of that now. It didn’t have to stay. So I took it down. And all of Mike’s stuff.” It felt like a simple explanation was probably the best explanation, and Jason stopped there, turning his attention to Ryan. “I didn’t think you’d notice so fast.” 

Ryan didn’t get the chance to say anything before Chester had come out of the kitchen, joining them by the dining room table. “I get why you’d take down the piano room, because, well, yeah, that wasn’t right of Mark to do. But all of it?” Chester’s heart was racing, and he was pretty sure he wasn’t in control of it. He could feel his feet getting hot inside his shoes, and it was almost hard to breathe as he thought back through the amount of footage that was suddenly gone from YRS in a flash. “I was in those videos and all that promo stuff, too,” he reminded Jason, his voice a little shaky. “That was a whole year worth of my work.” 

None of that had occurred to Jason when he clicked through the site and happily eliminated all trace of Mike from it. “Chaz, you’ve got tons of stuff still up on the site. I just wanted to do something for Mike, he’s always been so ashamed to have those videos out there. It was something I could do to make things better. Besides, you know he works with kids. He could lose his job if someone found out he was on a porn site.” He wasn’t sure why it was such a big deal to Chester. He and Mike had wished they didn’t have to have their relationship on display for everyone to see, and now it was gone. “I didn’t think it would bother you,” he added, shrugging his shoulders as he looked at Chester. 

“Well you didn’t ask either,” Chester shot back, and now his voice reflected the emotions rushing through him. “It’s just gone, Jay! You look at the site, and I’m nowhere to be seen over that last year. Like none of it even happened!” His hands went into his hair, lost among his growing blonde curls. 

“Chaz,” Ryan said, and he reflexively stepped between his friend and his boyfriend. “Hey, calm down, okay?” he whispered to Chester. He patted him on the shoulder before he spun around. “And he’s right, Jason. You shouldn’t have taken that stuff down without at least telling him.” 

Chester pushed past Ryan, his focus all over Jason’s face, and then his neck and shoulders and then his eyes. “And what do you mean by ashamed? Did he say that? Because it was good work, work we did together,” he stated, his frustration and shock quickly zipping the other way to self-pity. “What did he tell you? He wouldn’t have said that. Would he?” 

Jason held both his hands up and tried to be calm. “Firstly, I don’t have to ask you anything, Chaz. Those videos are mine, and you know that. And no, Mike didn’t say it, but it’s obvious. If you paid attention anytime we’ve talked about it, you can see it all over his face. He was never cut out to be a porn star.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re upset about it. Do you even care how much better _Mike_ is going to feel about all of that stuff being gone?” 

“Of course I care,” Chester was quick to say, his defenses going from mid-grade to high alert. “Why wouldn’t I care about him? And I know you own the videos, I know that,” he insisted. He gave Ryan a quick look. “But why didn’t we talk about it first? And it’s everything.” It was too much, and Chester was having a hard time wrapping his mind around what was being said. Jason accusing him of not caring, while at the same time having zero concern that he’d not only taken away Mike’s time at YRS, but he’d taken away a piece of Chester’s. An important piece. It seemed so out of the blue, to be worried over money one day, and then give up a chunk of income the next, and there was no discussion about it. 

“Did he ask you to do it?” Chester had to know if his boyfriend was really the driving force behind all this, or if it was Jason. 

“No. I haven’t even had a chance to tell him yet. I was going to, before you got home.” Jason looked toward the front door, but there was no sign of Mike. “He’s usually home before you guys.” 

Jason’s last words brought Ryan and Chester’s heads around as they looked at each other, as something connected. “What happened to not keeping secrets?” Ryan asked, his need to keep the peace diminishing. “He’s usually here first? You say that like there’s been lots of conversations you’re trying to keep us out of.” 

“You two talk to and from work every day without me and Mike!” Jason cried in exasperation. “We’re not keeping secrets. It’s like, we’re just home together before you two walk in. What are we supposed to do, wait to talk until you get home?” He didn’t know how they’d gotten from Chester being upset over the videos to Ryan implying he was keeping secrets. “This is ridiculous.” He wanted to walk away, but there was nowhere to go. He crossed his arms over his chest instead and scowled at Ryan.

Chester took a step forward. “That’s such an asshole thing to say,” he growled. “Of course we all talk, there’s nothing wrong with everyday conversation, but this,” he stated, pointing a finger between them, “has nothing to do with ordinary, everyday conversation. Sorry we disappointed you by coming home first.” He looked away, his mind whirling with his emotions. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to look at Jason Wakefield anymore. He almost teetered on his heels, but Ryan’s arm caught him. 

“Come on,” Ryan suggested, coaxing Chester back towards the door. “Let’s go get some fresh air. I think we all need a breather before any of us says something we can’t take back.” He looked over at Jay, and their eyes connected, but only for a second. It was clear his boyfriend wasn’t going to stop them from leaving. “We’ll be back,” was all Ryan said before they were out the door, heading for the elevator. 

Jason watched them leave, his mind spinning as his boyfriend took Chester’s side in their argument. _No. He didn’t take his side. He took care of him. He took Chaz out of here before it got ugly. He knows what to do, and what to say, to get through to him._ He pulled out the closest chair and sat down at the table. _Doesn’t matter. He chose Chaz over me. So that might as well be taking his side. He doesn’t have to accuse me of anything for me to know where he stands._ The whole conversation probably hadn’t taken more than five minutes, but a lot of things had been said and even more had gone unsaid. _If that’s how little Chaz thinks of Mike’s feelings, I’m extra glad I took down those videos. It’s not fair to Mike._

His elbow went to the table and he rested his head in his hand. Mike should have already been home. Now when Jason got to tell him what he’d done, he knew it would be delivered with a little less enthusiasm than it would have been before Chester ruined it. _He’ll still be happy though, even if Chaz freaked out. Ry will calm him down, and it will be fine. Mike will be happy about it, and that’s what matters anyway. I want him to be able to move on from YRS._

Jason sat for a few more minutes, thinking through everything that had been said, and decided he’d go ahead and shower. _Even if Mike gets home while I’m in there, it’s fine. From the looks of things, Chaz and Ry will be gone for a while. And I’ll have time to tell him. Just like I planned._ With that in mind, he got up to go get some pajama pants. _I probably need to be wearing something other than a towel when I give him the good news._

****

A little fresh air hadn’t been enough, and Chester sat across from Ryan at a small square table, back towards the corner of their favorite bar. The dance floor was far off to one side, and the music playing overhead wasn’t too loud so they could hear each other. Beer had been ordered, along with breaded chicken sandwiches and salty pub fries. Ryan’s food was almost gone, but Chester had barely nibbled on his. 

“Not eating doesn’t help,” Ryan offered, keeping his tone even before he took a sip from his beer. 

“I know, I just lose my appetite when things suck.” Chester stared down at his food. He and Ryan had gotten an extra bottle of ketchup for their small table, and any other time he would have scarfed down the food he knew tasted amazing. It was salty and greasy, and it paired perfectly with the beer he and Ryan would be downing over the next few hours as they sulked and discussed what had happened. But he wasn’t ready to eat yet. “I still can’t believe he did that. He just took it all away.” 

Ryan had about two bites of chicken sandwich left, and he set it down in the red plastic basket dish it had come in before he wiped his fingers on a napkin. “I can’t either. I, I don’t really understand why. I don’t understand him at all lately.” His eyes dropped as he shrugged. “The whole point of keeping the YRS site up was so he could keep making money off of it. Good money, from what little bit he tells me. And that’s another thing,” he decided, his attention bolting up to meet Chester’s dark eyes. “I know it’s not exactly my business, but when I ask anything about money, like, how things are going, he won’t tell me. He just passes it off.” 

“Mike’s gotten that way, too. And I know we don’t have a lot of money right now,” Chester admitted, his elbows coming up on the table as he leaned his head into his hands. “My therapy sessions are expensive, and I know that. We don’t have enough to move out, and I know that bothers him.” He stopped, his mind flipping back over the last several weeks and how things at the loft had changed. “Or maybe not,” he amended. “He’d probably miss Jason if we left. Fuck. For all I know we _do_ have enough to move out and he just doesn’t want to anymore.” He shrugged as he picked up a pub fry and scooped a massive glob of ketchup on it. He stuck it in his mouth, sucking the sauce off, but not eating the potato part. 

“I bet he _would_ miss him. Now that he’s taken his videos down,” Ryan grumbled. He was done eating. He just wanted to drink now, and his food was practically gone anyway. He shoved the red basket tray aside, and folded his arms on the table. He still had his black leather jacket on, and it pulled against his shoulders. 

“He didn’t even ask me, Ry,” Chester mumbled as he scooped the same fry back into the ketchup. He held it low in front of him, his eyes locked on the dark red blob. “It’s not just Mike in those videos. It’s me, too. It’s my work...and he didn’t even ask. Like, like I don’t matter.” He stuck the end of the pub fry into his mouth, sucking off the ketchup and the salt. 

“You matter, Chester,” Ryan said from across the table. He watched, knowing that ketchup wasn’t exactly food, but at least Chester was doing something with his dinner other than staring at it. 

“It’s just, I thought Jay was my friend.” 

Ryan sat back in his chair, his beer in hand. “He is.” 

“Maybe,” Chester muttered before shoving the now soggy pub fry in his mouth. He swallowed it down and chased it with a long gulp from his beer. “I know Mike hated the piano room scene being up, and I would have been fine with Jay taking that one down,” he insisted, meeting Ryan’s gaze across the table. “I get it. That wasn’t supposed to be for YRS, it was just us, and, really, I’m glad it’s not up anymore. But the rest of them, those were work. Hours of work, Ry. Hours, and days, and months of Mark barking at me, and trying to remember lines and getting everything perfect and doing all the fucking retakes, and it’s just gone.” He let out a huff. “All of it. It’s all gone. It’s like I didn’t even fucking exsist at YRS for that last year.” 

Ryan nodded as he let out a sigh. “You’re right. It’s like he erased part of you, too. And there was some great work in those scenes.” 

“Damn right,” Chester agreed, his head already feeling a little light from his beer, and he knew he needed to eat if he was going to keep drinking. He quickly chomped down another fry, and then another, equal parts ketchup and potato. “And it’s everything. Our videos, and all the promo pics we did together for that whole year Mike was there - gone.” He slashed his hand through the air. “The footage of us all goofing around, anything where Mike was in it, is gone.” He took a deep breath, sucking in the thick air of the bar, the smell of alcohol and the lingering hint of his untouched chicken sandwich. “All the stuff from Seattle.” 

Ryan took another drink, emptying his beer. Seattle had been a good time, even though it had turned out to be the beginning of the end. It had been the catalyst that had led to his firing, and to Jason suffering under Mark’s abusive hands. The memory brought a frown to his face before he shoved those thoughts away. Mark was gone, and there was nothing he could do to change what had happened. “There _were_ some really great promo videos...us goofing around in the pool, and remember the one we did playing Twister in the booty shorts?” He saw the instant smile cross Chester’s face. “And Mike refused to play, he just wanted to work the spinner, and keep score.” 

Chester nodded. “I remember. And me, you, and Amir could barely fit on that Twister mat.” He laughed as he recalled Amir worrying about how his hair looked in the goofy positions, and when Ryan had ended up under Chester as their legs, arms, and torsos had been ordered around by the spinner Mike had so stubbornly taken control of. “But it’s gone now,” Chester grumbled, his happy thoughts of the Twister video gone. “There wasn’t even any sex in that, it was just us having a good time. Why did he take that down?” He looked at Ryan, like he should know the answer. 

“I don’t know,” Ryan said, before he stood up. “I’m getting us another round. Eat, so you can drink yours.” He pointed at Chester’s food, this time with a flair of insistence. “I don’t want to get drunk by myself.”

“Fine. You’re so needy,” Chester teased before Ryan could get far, and it brought a playful smile to both their faces. He watched Ryan walk away, and Chester’s eyes fell to his friend’s ass as he went. Ryan looked great in his leather jacket and matching dark jeans and boots. He had a black tank top on underneath, just like Chester’s, and it was a nice thought that they matched in a funny way. _Even though he looks better in it. I’m too damn skinny._ He looked down at his own tank top, tugging at it a little. 

A moment later his phone rang, and Chester looked to see Mike’s name flashing across the screen. _Jay said Mike didn’t know anything about it. Guess he knows now, probably._ He picked his cell up off the table, and answered with a simple, “Hello?” 

“Hey.” Mike let the greeting sit for a second, but Chester didn’t offer anything more. “I talked with Jason when I got home. Sorry I was so late today. Traffic was ridiculous. He told me you and Ryan left out pretty upset.” 

Chester glanced toward the bar, where Ryan was still standing, waiting on their drinks. “Did he tell you why?” 

“Yeah.” Mike looked over at Jason and then down at his jeans, picking with a string that was across a rip in the knee. “I didn’t ask him to do that, you know.” 

“That’s what he said. He took everything down, Mike.” Chester sucked in a deep breath. He knew it wasn’t Mike’s fault, and he didn’t want to be upset with his boyfriend, even though it was hard. Maybe Mike didn’t ask for it, but obviously things had been said between him and Jason, enough to spur Jason into such an extreme action. “Not just the piano room scene, but everything you were in. All the scenes and the pictures, and the promo stuff. Even stuff that wasn’t...porn.” 

“I know.” Mike pulled at the string and watched it unravel a little more. “I don’t know what to say. I know you’re upset, but… I’m not sorry that it’s gone.” He closed his eyes and waited. He knew that was the wrong thing to say if he wanted to avoid upsetting his boyfriend, but it was the truth. He hadn’t been expecting such a huge gesture, but the relief he felt knowing everything was wiped clean couldn’t be ignored. 

Chester felt a sting to his eyes. “You’re not sorry...so Jason was right then. He said you were ashamed of them, of the videos. You’re ashamed of what we did? Of us?” He held the phone close to his ear, his gaze on the table as he covered his eyes. 

“I’m not ashamed of us, Ches. But come on, you know how I’ve felt about it from the very beginning. It’s just not me. I only did it for you, and not because you asked,” he rushed to say. “I wanted to, to protect you.” Mike looked up at the ceiling, shaking his head. It was hard to explain, and he knew that Chester was going to take it personally. “I was okay with it at the time because I knew it was helping you. But now… there’s no reason for it all to still be there.” 

Chester dropped his hand to the table with a _thump_. “That was a year of my life, Mike. A year of my work.” He sucked his lip ring in for a second, holding onto it before he let out a breath. “I know you didn’t want to be there, but you were, and Jason erased it. He didn’t even tell me. He just did it. That’s me in those videos and pictures, too, and it looks like I wasn’t even there during that time now. And not just me,” he added in as the scope of things hit. “Some of the other guys were in the promo footage and pictures - good stuff - and it’s gone.” 

“What do you want me to do?” Mike asked in frustration. “I didn’t tell him to pull it down. You want me to tell him to put it all back?” 

Chester’s whole body clenched. “No,” he grumbled. “It’s done now.” He looked back out across the bar, blankly staring at the crowd, at the mix of couples at the tables, and on the dance floor. It was clear Mike didn’t get it, and he probably never would. 

“I’m sorry,” Mike said. “I’m sorry you’re upset. I wish you’d stayed for us to talk it through. When will you be home?”

“I don’t know,” Chester answered honestly with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, Mike,” he heard himself saying. “I get you’re happy all that stuff is gone forever, but, I guess it means more to me. I’ll be home later. We’re eating and having a few beers at the bar.” 

It was Mike’s turn to sigh. He knew it would be late if Chester was drinking with Ryan, and especially since he was upset. He figured Chester would sit and grumble about Jason until Ryan got tired of listening to it and then it would blow over. It just wasn’t worth being so upset about. All of the rest of Chester’s stuff was still on the site. _All his stuff with Ryan._ “Fine. Just… be careful. Okay?”

“Don’t worry,” Chester told him as he sat up a little straighter in his chair and picked up another fry, dragging it back and forth through the ketchup. “Ry’s making me eat so I won’t get trashed. We’ll see you in a little bit.” 

Before Mike could say anything else, Chester disconnected the call. Mike sat at the table, looking at his phone, wondering what he’d done to make Chester upset with him. _He expects me to be upset that it’s gone, and I’m not. I’m just not. I’m not going to lie and tell him I am. And what does he mean, it means more to him?_ He put the phone down and looked at Jason. He was standing a few steps away, looking out the window the way Mike had done so many times when he was thinking or upset. He hadn’t been trying to hide his conversation from Jason, and now he didn’t know what to say. Chester was upset, Jason was upset, and he was stuck in the middle.

“I’m going to go shower,” Mike decided out loud. It was what he always did lately when the loft got too crowded, when he needed a minute to himself just to process things and think. He saw Jason nod as he turned on his heel to go upstairs and get his pajamas, and by the time he was back downstairs, Jason had retreated to the kitchen. Mike could see the defeated slump in his shoulders, and his heart twisted a little. _He was trying to do something nice. Something huge, for me. He was so excited to tell me. And Ches lost it and took it out on him. He’s so unstable lately._

Jason heard the bathroom door close, and he let out the sigh he’d been holding in since he’d told Mike the truth, then about his argument with Chester. _And Ry. Ry’s always backing him up. He always has, but now it’s more. Every time there’s any disagreement, every time something happens. Ryan’s on his side. They’re a team. Ry and Chaz against the world._ The thought stuck as he looked down at the countertop, debating whether he wanted coffee or wine. _They can be mad if they want to be. They signed on willingly. They knew what they were doing, just like I did. Mike was different. He’s always been different. If Chester would have been here to see Mike’s face when I told him, he’d understand why I did it._

A sudden smile hit Jason as he thought about telling Mike that Kenji was gone. He’d come in with his backpack over both shoulders, his hair over his eyes just the way Jason had imagined. He’d put his backpack under the stairs and come to him with a soft hello smile, wrapping his arms around Jason and dropping a quick kiss to his waiting lips. _I told him I’d taken down his videos, and it was like I could see the light in his eyes, that innocence he’d had that first night at YRS. His whole demeanor changed when I told him, like all the bad things had dissolved from his thoughts. If Chaz had stuck around to see that, he’d let this go. Maybe he just doesn’t care anymore._

Jason’s thoughts went immediately back to the night on the bed in the corner, the night his boyfriend had given Chester a great blow job. He knew it had been the first time in weeks Chester had gotten off. _It was Ryan. His meds weren’t screwing with him then. He wanted Ry, but he hasn’t been wanting Mike anymore. Not since Mike hurt him. It’s just like Mark always said - Ry’s perfect for Chaz. A gentle touch. He does have a gentle touch. He was what I needed too._

He opened the drawer and took out the corkscrew, his mind made up. _We’ll have wine, and talk, and maybe Mike will see it, too. They’ve come apart, and so have me and Ry. It’s not working anymore, all of us like this. I thought maybe Ry and I needed to go, but that doesn’t feel right anymore. Chaz needs him. More than he needs Mike right now. And I can’t imagine my life without Mike in it anymore._ He fit the end of the fancy corkscrew over the neck of the wine bottle and started to twist the handle. _Everything is such a fragile mess right now. It’s all just waiting to break. Waiting for Ry and Chaz to realize they’re more than friends, and for Ry to see that he and I have been dying ever since Mark died. All we had were stolen moments and tenderness, locked away from reality. The moment we left that house we started to die, we were just too stubborn to see it. So maybe this it how it’s supposed to be. The four of us have been playing around with it for weeks, but maybe it’s time to just do it. Maybe it’s time for all of us to do what we’ve all been thinking about._ He uncorked his favorite Shiraz and poured it into two glasses to let it breathe. _Maybe this time Mike won’t stop us._ He opened the windows before he took the wine to the coffee table and switched off the overhead lights. 

The cool breeze hit Mike’s damp skin right when he stepped out of the bathroom. He could see the back of Jason’s head from where he was sitting on the couch, and the lamp next to the bed was on, giving everything a warm glow. There wasn’t even a debate about whether or not he should go sit next to Jay, his feet just took him there. As he rounded the back of the couch, Jason looked over at him, and Mike had to stop for a moment just to admire how smooth and glowing Jason’s skin looked in the lamplight.

“I put your glass over there.” Jason pointed to the coffee table under the television. “If you want it,” he amended. “It’s good.”

Mike nodded, obediently stepping over to pick up his glass of red wine Jason had poured without asking. He looked down into the glass thoughtfully and swirled it, watching the dark liquid as it clung to the sides of the glass for a second before it slid back down. 

“You didn’t have to do it, you know,” Mike said after he sat down. The wine smelled earthy, like blueberries after rain, and he closed his eyes as he let it soak into his senses.

“I know,” Jason said softly. “Last weekend, when they were at work, and I was on the site, I could tell it bothered you.” He swirled his glass and took a sip, watching Mike’s face carefully.

There was a beat of silence. “I never wanted to be a porn star,” Mike whispered, his heart aching. “I was brought up believing sex was sacred. You saved yourself for the one, and that was all. When Ches and I met, I wanted him to be the one. He turned me on like crazy. Still does. When I found out he was working in porn, I didn’t think rationally. I should have walked away then. It was before we had sex and I could have left then, but I didn’t. I still don’t really know why. I was in love, Jay, and Ches was so confident. Once we had a sexual relationship, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How he had sex for money. It was shameful. I knew even when I wanted to leave, all those times I was begging Ches to go with me to Colorado, that my parents would never accept him, but I didn’t know what else to do to fix things.” It was hard to admit all of this out loud, but it also felt like a weight was being lifted as Mike talked it all through, and Jason listened quietly, sipping his wine.

“When you brought me to YRS, and told me Ches would only have to be with me, it was like I was being given an opportunity to make what he did acceptable. He’d be with me, and we were in love. It wasn’t sex for money, it was because we were in love, and that was the right reason. I was trying to do what I thought was best for Ches, what _you_ made sound like the best option.”

Jason looked down. The memory of talking Mike into coming to YRS was one he wasn’t proud of. “I know I did that. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am, but I’ve erased that whole part of your life now, Mike. It’s like it never happened.”

Mike looked out the open window over Jason’s shoulder, his heart picking up speed. _I can’t believe he took my videos down. Our videos down. They’re gone. Like they never existed. Every one of them. Even the piano room one._ He let out a shuddering breath. It was a pivotal moment, and Mike didn’t know what to say. _It was more than I even thought he could do, but why did he do it? I know he was making good money off those videos. We talked about it._

“Mike?” 

Jason was still watching him when Mike’s eyes fluttered back over and focused on the other man’s face. “Everything changed, you know, once I came to YRS. Having someone dictate to you how you’re going to make love to your boyfriend, well… that makes it not about love anymore. I was too naive to see that. And I think it’s ruined everything between me and Ches. I changed. And I’m ashamed of who I am because of that place.” He drank from his glass again, and then looked at Jason. “Is that why? Ches said you took them all down because I was ashamed. Is that really the reason?” 

They looked at each other for a few moments before Jason shifted his glass to his other hand and ran the free one through his unstyled hair. “I did it because I don’t want to be the reason you have that look on your face, Mike. I don’t want it to haunt you.” He took a breath, and then took a chance. “When we’re free from here, I don’t want that to weigh you down, all those regrets. I don’t want you to think about it every time you look at me. I don’t want you to hold it against me.”

Mike’s chest felt tight as he tried to breathe. “What do you mean, free from here?”

Jason took another sip of his wine as he decided to tell Mike what he’d been thinking about for weeks. That Mark had been right, that they were with the wrong people, that what was happening between the two of them was better than what they were holding on to with their current partners. He let the wine slide down his throat and then he leaned forward to explain, “I’ve been thinking about us. You and me, Mike. That one day, you and I are going to be able to leave them. We’ll be able to do the right thing for all of us and break up with them. Chaz will be better and they’ll be able to make it on their own. And when we leave together, I don’t want you to have your past so heavy on your heart.”

_When we leave together._ Mike ran his finger along the rim of his wine glass. _Are we just putting off the inevitable? He’s so confident, like he knows how this will all end, the decisions the four of us will make._ “You’re already talking about leaving, Jay? You’re ready to walk away from them?” The shock of Jason being so forward, so open about things, rippled through Mike’s body. It wasn’t a secret Jason turned him on like crazy, but leaving and being together was two steps past where Mike’s brain had been.

“I thought about leaving, about making some space between you and me.” Jason shook his head. “But taking Ry away from Chaz, it would make things worse. And I don’t want to be away from you.” 

Mike looked down at the couch. He knew he’d hate for Jason to leave, too, and he’d also thought about needing space over the past several months, not just for the two of them, but also between Ches and Ryan. But along the way the lines had blurred - gone past blurring straight to obliteration - and it had been easier to go with it. He didn’t say anything, and Jason tried again.

“You’re the one that has always said there’s something else between Ry and Chaz. And I’m telling you, I see it now. So if they want to be together, like they are right now, what’s stopping us from being together?”

Mike concentrated on his wine glass. “We’ve talked about this, Jay. Ches isn’t himself right now, you said it yourself. I just keep thinking, if I try hard enough, if I want it badly enough, maybe things will go back to the way they were.”

Jason scoffed, an incredulous sound coming from his lips. “When? Before you knew Chaz was a porn star?”

“Yeah. Then,” Mike said flatly. “Before it all got fucked up. Before I changed, before everything got so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore,” he admitted. “I don’t even think I’m really helping him. Sometimes I think we’ll never be able to undo the damage YRS has done. I think about how I’ve hurt him, and I don’t know if he’ll ever really trust me again. I think about you and I hate myself for wanting you the way I do, when he and I have been through so much.” He lifted his wine glass and closed his eyes to avoid looking at Jason. 

“We’re all holding on right now for different reasons, but they’ve already pulled away from us, Mike, don’t you see?” Jason could feel his heart racing. _He already knows it’s over, he just hasn’t admitted it yet. He’s starting to be honest with himself about Chaz._ “I’ve been watching them the past few days, ever since we watched that little clip of video. I know Chaz is having a hard time coping with things, and Ry’s there for him. He gets it in a way that only someone who’s gone through the same things can understand.” Mike still didn’t look up. “Mike… I know we can’t let them go right now, with everything happening with Chaz and the therapy and the meds… I get that. But stop denying what you want. I can see it. I see you looking at me when you think I’m not paying attention. I’ve felt it when we’re together. I want you, I’ve been wanting you ever since my eyes were opened to it. All the way back at YRS.” 

Those were the words that finally made Mike’s eyes snap back up. “All the way back then?” he asked, his voice small. 

Jason smiled. “I mean, it was such a sex thing then. I wanted you, but ever since we’ve moved in here, since you and I have been able to really spend time together, that’s changed. It’s not just about wanting to be the one you share your bed with, not anymore. It’s turned into wanting you with me when I’m at the symphony, or having sushi. I want to take you on vacations and see the world with you. Talk about music and history and stupid things like the water bill. You and I have so much in common, and you know I’m right. Let me give you what you want. Let me give you the life you’re supposed to have. A man you can take home to your parents, a nice place, and college.” He paused for a moment, then whispered, “we’re right for each other, Mike. I know you feel it.”

“It’s easy with you,” Mike finally said, biting his bottom lip as he thought. “You make everything so easy, and everything with Ches right now is so hard.”

“I know.” Jason finished off his wine and looked at Mike’s glass. It was still half full. “It’s not supposed to be that way.” _That’s how things with Ry are, too. Harder than they should be._ He stood up to take the open bottle of wine from the coffee table and refill his glass. He didn’t ask as he topped off Mike’s. 

“So what are you saying?” Mike asked. He took a longer sip of his wine, letting the taste linger on his tongue before he swallowed. The alcohol was already starting to spread a little warmth to his fingertips and he could feel the heat in his cheeks. 

“You know what I’m saying,” Jason murmured, sitting down right next to Mike and letting his hand drop onto Mike’s thigh. He caressed the black and white plaid pajama pants and watched his fingers move over the pattern. 

They drank some more in the thick silence while Mike tried to come up with reasons it all wouldn’t be as easy as Jason said it would be - anything to stop them from traveling further down the dangerous path they were on. “I can’t leave Ches right now,” Mike finally said, his voice coming out a little desperate. “Everything is so messed up with his meds… I don’t know what would happen if I did.” 

“He’s got Ry. And I’m not saying we should leave the loft.” Jason took Mike’s hand in his and their eyes locked together. “I’m saying that I want to be with you. But we’re not leaving them now. We’ll just be careful.” He held his breath as the pieces clicked into place in Mike’s head. Jason saw the moment the realization hit.

_An affair. He’s asking me to have an affair._

“An affair?” Mike whispered slowly, like the word was too hard to say. “Why would you want that, Jason? After everything you’ve been through, you want us to do that to Ches and Ryan?”

“It’s not an affair,” Jason countered immediately. “Not the way you’re thinking. I’m not married. You’re not married. We’ve been together right next to them, they know we’re close. The timing is just bad. It’s not right to break up with Chaz right now, and I know that. And you know they need to admit to themselves that they want to be together. It will be easier if we give them the space to figure it out.”

Mike looked away. “Space. While we’re all in here together.”

“You know what I mean. If you and I are together, if we start building our life together now, it will give them space to see what they want. I know what I want, Mike, and I think you do, too. I don’t want to wait. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I’ve spent most of my adult life doing what someone else told me to do. I’m twenty-eight, Mike. I _know_ we’re right for each other. Why wait, just because the timing is bad for them? We’ll only hurt them right now if we end things. They need to figure it out on their own. And while they do, we can turn the next page.”

“We promised no secrets,” Mike whispered, clutching at Jason’s hand. “I don’t want to hurt him.” _It was all supposed to be out in the open. I mean, I know it never really was, not with Jay and I, but I don’t think it is between Ches and Ryan either._

Jason leaned closer, kissing Mike’s cheek lightly. “There’s already secrets, Mike.”

It was automatic. Mike’s eyes dropped closed as soon as Jason’s lips touched him, the desire he’d been repressing for the other man bubbling to the surface, most of his rational thoughts and hesitations being pushed to the side. “He’d hate me if he knew.” He turned his head and their lips brushed in passing.

“He’ll hate you if you leave.” Jason turned back into Mike’s lips, tasting the wine on them as he pulled Mike’s bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it gently. He let Mike’s hand go, his hand going right to Mike’s side to hold him still.

“So what, then, we’re just going to give in?” Mike said breathlessly as Jason pulled away. “After all these months of denying it, that’s it? I don’t know if I can do it, Jay. I don’t think I can be intimate with two people. I’m just not made that way.” 

“You’re not being intimate with two people. Just me.” Jason’s fingers curled into the side of Mike’s shirt. He could hear the shallowness of Mike’s breaths as he tried to decide if he was going over the edge with him or not. “It’s just the two of us right now, and I’ve been wanting you for so long,” he whispered, running his lips down Mike’s neck. “I know you want me, too. Give me your wine glass, Mikey.”

Jason put just enough space between them for Mike to focus on his eyes as he breathed through his mouth, trying to gain control. _It will just be for a little while. A few weeks. We should do this the right way. We should wait. We should wait._ Mike sat back and brought his glass to his lips. He finished off his wine while looking right at Jason. _It will just be me and him. Until Ches is through the worst of it, then we can leave. Like he said. Together._ Mike felt the last bit of his willpower crumbling as closed his eyes in surrender and held out his glass, waiting for Jason to take it. 

The part of Jason that still expected Mike to resist celebrated quietly as he took both glasses to the coffee table. He turned around and Mike was still sitting motionless, his eyes closed like he was meditating. Jason stepped back to the couch, positioning his body right in front of Mike and running both hands into his messy hair. He looked down at the top of Mike’s head, at his fingers disappearing in the black strands, and coaxed Mike closer.

Without looking, Mike’s hands found Jason’s hips in front of him and he leaned in, pressing a tentative kiss to Jason’s stomach. It felt strange to have the layers of indecision stripped away, the familiar desperate arousal flowing white-hot between them. Every time they had crossed the line there was something else there, an excuse to fuel their desire. But tonight there were no excuses. They weren’t high, or drunk, or being made to do something they didn’t know deep down they wanted. Tonight they’d made a conscious decision to fall over the edge together, dragged down by their need for each other.

Jason ran his fingers down Mike’s neck and then his shoulders, watching as Mike grew bolder, kissing small pecks across his skin while his hands slipped around to cup Jason’s rounded ass. His long hair tickled and Jason felt his abs clench under Mike’s kisses. For a few minutes he stood, letting Mike kiss all the skin he could reach, as the realization of what their relationship was becoming sank into his consciousness.

“Jay,” Mike breathed, pulling back to look up at him. “I didn’t say thank you. For erasing Kenji.”

“I did that for us,” Jason said. “No shame. Not for that, not for this. I never want you to be ashamed to be with me.” He stepped back and held out his hand for Mike to take, pulling him up from the couch. It was mere steps to the bed and they crossed the space together, Jason pulling back the dark blue blanket with one hand before he turned and tugged at the bottom of Mike’s t-shirt, the silent question passing between them. 

Mike let Jason pull off his shirt, and then Jason’s arms were around his neck, connecting their lips again. A soft moan of desire passed between them as Jason’s lips parted to invite Mike in, the taste of the lush red wine present on their tongues. The kiss went deep, back and forth, Mike’s hands wrapped around Jason’s back as they pressed together. He could feel the anticipation in his blood as it rushed under his skin, and despite the open windows, Mike was hot. There was already sweat forming around his hairline when they finally stopped for air. 

“Come to bed with me,” Jason invited, his eyes dark and his arms still around Mike’s neck, his fingers feathering up into the longer hair he had grown to love. “Tell me you want this, and come to bed with me.” 

There was a pause, a moment’s hesitation, as a guilty feeling crossed Mike’s thoughts. He’d been feeling so disconnected from Chester for weeks now, and he and Jason had edged closer and closer to the precipice in that same time. The walls had come down between them all, and now Jason was looking at him with the desire that had been so absent from his boyfriend. Mike had no idea what Chester and Ryan were doing - not that it was a justification for what he was about to say. “I do,” Mike whispered, sliding his hands down the curve of Jason’s back. “I want everything you said, Jay. I want you.” 

Jason couldn’t stop his smile at Mike’s words, as he followed Jason onto the bed. “Don’t be nervous,” Jason soothed, taking Mike’s trembling hands and kissing them. He wanted to say, _I’ve seen you naked a hundred times before_, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to remind Mike how many times he watched him through the camera. Instead he let go and laid back, wiggling out of his pajama pants and underwear, tossing them to the floor. He watched the smile touch Mike’s lips as a shy blush crept over his face.

“I guess it’s my turn,” he said, copying Jason’s actions. He resisted the urge to pull the blanket over him the moment he was exposed and instead rolled right to his side, his hands reaching for Jason. “I want to feel you,” he whispered, and his eyes slid shut as Jason met him, lacing his leg through Mike’s and pressing their naked bodies together for the first time. 

They fit right together and Mike dropped kiss after hungry kiss to Jason’s face as they learned the feel of each other. Jason’s hands were all over him, touching, discovering, memorizing, and then Jason had him on his back, sliding on top of him. He felt the kisses down his neck, across his chest. He closed his eyes as Jason’s tongue flattened over one nipple and then sucked him there briefly before moving on. The kisses got lower and lower, and Mike was nodding his head and whispering _yes_, waiting for the moment that Jason’s mouth would be around his cock. It had been so long. 

Jason stopped and looked up. Mike’s lips were parted and he was breathing heavily through his mouth, his cheeks flushed and his skin damp. He looked beautiful in the lamplight, and Jason couldn’t take his eyes off Mike’s face. What had started as an uncontrollable sexual attraction to each other had developed into something else, something that made Jason want to go slow this first time. It was the opposite of every other time they had been together, and it seemed fitting.

Mike’s cock was right in front of his face, dripping and hard and waiting for him. He planted his hands on either side of Mike’s hips and kissed along his quivering thigh, right up to the crease before he switched sides, purposefully avoiding contact with Mike’s most sensitive spots. When Mike moaned and begged, Jason smiled and took his cock in his hand instead of his mouth.

Instantly Mike’s hands were in his hair, coaxing Jason’s mouth closer. “Please, Jay,” he whimpered. Jason was stroking him perfectly, but it was nothing compared to what his mouth could do, and Mike wanted it. He felt Jason increase the pressure, then slide his thumb over his wet slit. He moaned his approval and his hips bucked into Jason’s hand, trying to get closer.

“Be still,” Jason ordered softly. He wanted to make it last, and he knew if he went down on Mike now, his orgasm would happen. He looked up to see Mike with his bottom lip held tight between his teeth, trying to hold back. It was fascinating to watch the need on Mike’s face as his hand became slicker with precum, as he slid his hand over the head of Mike’s cock and back down, as Mike tried to restrain himself from taking over the pace. Jason was in control, and they both knew it.

A few more strokes, and Jason let him go, then kissed his way back up Mike’s body. “Aw, look at that pout,” he teased softly as he pressed his hips down into Mike’s. There was an instant moan and Mike’s hands went right to his hips. He felt Mike start to press his fingers into his skin, to pull him down and hold their bodies together, but he stopped when Jason whispered, “no. Not like that. You promised me you wouldn’t be like that.”

His grip slackened immediately, and Mike opened his eyes to look up at Jason. “Tell me what you want, then, Jay.” He was anxious and ready for something, anything, to relieve the ache in his body. 

Jason leaned down, his lips right next to Mike’s ear. “I want to be inside of you. I want you to let me have you. I want you to let go and be with me.” He brushed the dark hair back from Mike’s face and kissed his temple. 

_Let go._ It was a request to let go of the past, of who he’d been, or perhaps Chester. Mike didn’t know. But he turned his lips toward Jason, seeking his kisses, moving his knees apart so Jason dropped down between his legs. He could feel the very tip of Jason’s cock against his opening, pressing gently forward. “Okay,” he breathed, his thoughts gone in a haze of desire and the anticipation of finally doing something about their fascination with each other. He smoothed his hand down Jason’s back and kissed his neck. “Be easy on me.”

Jason lifted his head to look into Mike’s eyes. “You’ll never have to remind me to take care of you,” he promised. He knew all too well what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone who lost control. If there was one thing he was determined to do, it was to make sure that he and Mike never got to a place where they ever hurt each other. He knew how good it could be - Ryan had taught him that - and for a moment he faltered as Ryan’s bright blue eyes flashed through his mind. _He’s with Chaz. They’re so much better for each other than he and I will ever be. Just like me and Mike. This is the way things are supposed to be._

He left a last kiss to Mike’s lips before he got the lube, his insides churning with nerves and excitement. The next several minutes ticked by while he went slowly, covering his fingers with the gel and then using them to open Mike up to him, kissing Mike’s face as they went. He left kiss after kiss to Mike’s cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids, as Mike breathed through it and let Jason get him ready. He listened to every sound Mike made, learning which were good and which weren’t, and it was hard to hold himself back. It wasn’t until Mike opened his eyes and whispered, “I’m ready,” that Jason pulled his fingers out, his lips brushing down Mike’s neck as he whimpered.

Carefully, without pulling, without harsh grasps of tender skin, Mike settled Jason back between his legs. They both wanted to be face to face this first time together, both of them breathless as Jason braced himself above Mike, the head of his cock pushing inside on his first thrust. As soon as Mike felt him, he looked up and their eyes locked together. They were frozen, the enormity of what they were doing hitting them both.

“You’re sure?” Jason whispered, his arms shaking. It was agony, waiting for the emotions to cycle through Mike’s eyes before he said simply, “yes,” gently touching the side of Jason’s face. Jason pushed again, a little more, and felt himself go deeper. It was warm and tight and amazing, and he forced his eyes to stay on Mike while he slowly worked his way inside, until they were fully connected.

Mike bit back a moan and Jason immediately instructed, “no, I want to hear your voice.” He pulled out and pushed back in, and Mike’s chin lifted as he let it out this time, a husky moan falling from his lips before Jason leaned down and kissed him, his tongue invading Mike’s open mouth. While they set up a slow rhythm, Jason pulled one of Mike’s hands up over his head and laced their fingers together, pinning him down.

“More,” Mike gasped as Jason moved his kisses to Mike’s ear, then the spot behind that made his toes curl. He turned his face toward their linked hands, trying to pull Jason’s wrist close so he could kiss it, but Jason held him still, his breaths heavy and hot behind Mike’s ear. _He knows that spot already, how much I love it._ It was a different feeling, to be so thoroughly controlled, and Mike whimpered and panted and whispered Jason’s name as his new lover slowly fucked him. His nerves were on fire, each one begging for more. “Please, Jay,” he pleaded, and he felt Jason’s lips fondle his ear for a moment, then brush over his cheek and sink into his lips again.

Jason kissed Mike until his lungs were screaming for air. He lifted his head to see Mike’s hair sticking to his forehead as they worked up a sweat together, and he let Mike’s hands go. Immediately those hands were touching him, his back, his sides, his ass. He picked up the pace, spurred on by Mike’s touches, until he could feel his orgasm building. He took Mike’s hand and placed it on his own erection with the order, “touch yourself, Mike,” and then Jason looped his arms under Mike’s legs and spread him open. He felt the extra bit that allowed his cock to push inside Mike’s body and this time it was Jason that moaned in pleasure as they rocked together. 

“Jason, oh, god,” Mike mumbled, his hand moving over his cock just the way he liked it while he watched Jason thrust into him. His body was ready, everything tight with pleasure, and with a few more strokes he was gasping Jason’s name while shots of cum fell across his hand and stomach. Mike’s eyes were closed and he could feel everything. Jason’s hands, his pace never changing, his cock filling him from the inside. It was so unexpectedly good, and then his orgasm was over, leaving him panting under Jason’s body.

“Yes, yes,” Jason groaned as he watched Mike come. It was a sight he’d grown to love behind the camera at YRS, but it was more beautiful when _he_ was the one causing Mike to look that way, when it was _his_ cock being squeezed by Mike’s tremors, when it was _his_ name Mike was moaning. He watched until every last bit of energy flowed from Mike’s body, then he held Mike as tightly as he dared while he pushed himself to release. It had been so long since he’d come inside someone it almost knocked the breath out of him, his whole body shaking as his orgasm ripped through him. When his hips slowed, when it was over, when he let Mike’s legs go and they sank into each other, it felt right. It felt like what Jason had been telling himself all night - like they were meant to be together.

Mike’s eyes were closed as he lay still beneath Jason, his face turned toward the open window for air. They were sweaty, sticky, and his ass was full, but Jason wasn’t moving. He lifted his hand to Jason’s head, softly petting over his hair before he kissed it. “Jay… I… god, that was good.” 

“It was,” Jason agreed, his voice tired. He snuggled his face to Mike’s neck. “I’m going to move. I know how much this part sucks, but don’t worry. I’ll be easy on you,” he whispered, repeating Mike’s words from earlier.

Together they worked to separate from each other, and Jason pulled the blanket up over their lower halves when he collapsed next to Mike. He found Mike’s hand and kissed his knuckles while he gazed as his profile. “You okay?” 

“Of course I’m okay,” Mike said, but he didn’t turn to look Jason in the eyes. Physically, the sex had been good. Better than good. It had been satisfying, in every way but the way Mike was most accustomed to. There was no emotional connection, and despite his body feeling the euphoria of release, his mind was troubled. “I’m glad we talked first,” he whispered, his eyes pricking in the corners with tears he was determined not to shed as the impact of what he’d done hit him. He’d betrayed Chester’s trust, and in return found that he and Jason were as sexually compatible as they had thought they might be. It just felt empty, and Mike wasn’t sure what to make of that. _Maybe we did something wrong. Maybe that part will get better._ “I don’t know how good I’ll be at keeping secrets, but it’s best right now.”

“It is.” Jason set Mike’s hand on his stomach, then traced his fingers over Mike’s skin. It troubled him that Mike wouldn’t look his way. “I meant what I said,” he started tentatively. “We’d be good together, Mike. I could give you everything you’ve ever wanted.” His hand stilled on Mike’s flushed skin. “You know, I wanted this loft when I was younger, but what do you think about something even better? Something in the city, maybe, depending on where you want to go to school. A big bedroom for us with an extra room for my office, and space for a piano. A _real_ piano?” His voice was dreamy, far away, trying to wrap Mike into the fantasy.

After a few seconds of thought, Mike turned his head to look at Jason. “It’s USC,” he whispered. “I always wanted to go to Southern Cal.” The vision in his head of a city apartment, or maybe even a small house, with room for a piano, was perfect. 

Jason smiled. “We’ll do it. You can pick out whatever piano you want.” He laced their fingers together on Mike’s stomach and kissed his shoulder. “I think you and I are really going to be amazing together, Mike.” They were quiet then, each thinking about what had just happened, and all that was still to come.

“I need another shower,” Mike mumbled eventually. “And then I’ll go upstairs.” The thought of leaving Jason to go sleep alone physically hurt, and Mike forced down the emotions. _If you’re going to have an affair, you’re going to have to do hard things sometimes. That’s part of keeping secrets. It’s part of making sure Ches never finds out._ Jason’s eyes were dark and unreadable when Mike sat up and looked at him. 

“Right,” he said softly. “You’re right. We can’t sleep together.” Jason’s heart pinched as Mike looked down at him, his face that just a few minutes ago was perfectly blissed out and was now impossibly sad. “It will be okay,” he managed to say. “Go on and shower. I’ll get one, too, and maybe we’ll have a few more minutes together.” He lay over on his side and watched Mike go with his arm stuffed up under his pillow. There would be no way to spend an extra second together with the four of them living in the loft. He hoped Chester’s meds would even out soon, and they would be able to move things along. _Mike will need to break up with him first. After we find our place, and we’ll move Mike right into it. Then I’ll end things with Ry and join him. They can stay here until they find a place, that might make things easier. What a mess. It will be better if Mike and I are the ones to go, even if this is my place. I can’t imagine they’d want to stay here long term, even if Chaz has been here for years. They’ll need to find a place they can afford, and then I’ll sell it._

Jason was lost in thoughts when Mike came back from the shower, a towel around his waist as he scooped up his underwear and pajama pants from the floor. Jason got out of bed with a grin. “The towel is overkill at this point, don’t you think?”

Mike’s cheeks flushed as he rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk around naked.”

“You don’t have to,” Jason said sweetly, kissing him on the cheek. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’ll be right back. Don’t fall asleep.”

Mike stepped into his clothes and wandered over to the table, where he’d left his phone after he called Chester. _God, I wonder if he’s called. It’s getting late. They should be home._ He grabbed his phone, his anxiety spiking as he saw two messages from his boyfriend. With his hands shaking he opened the message.

**Chester:** _We’re getting ready to leave the bar now. On our way._

**Chester:** _We’re going to head over to Amir’s instead and hang out. Hope that’s okay. I think we all need a break for the night. I’ll see you in the morning, and I’ll make us breakfast so we can talk more. I love you._

_I love you._ Mike repeated those words in his head. He put the phone down, frustrated at first that Chester wasn’t coming home before the guilt hit him, and then relief came fast on its heels. He wouldn’t have to face his betrayal tonight. _And I can sleep next to Jay. They’re not coming home. They won’t have to know._ He put his phone down and chewed on his bottom lip for a second as he looked over at the bed, its rumpled blanket and sheets. It wasn’t hard to make the final decision to stay with Jason for the night. Sex for the sake of sex wasn’t somthing he had any experience with, but laying together, cuddling… that was familiar. Comforting, even if it was with the wrong person. There was something about the action of sleeping together that gave his infidelity meaning beyond just sex, and Mike needed it to have meaning right now.

He went up to the loft and grabbed his pillow, his heart aching at the sight of the red and black flannel patterned blanket Chester had bought for him. _What if we’re really over? What if he comes back and says he wants to be with Ryan? What if he finds out what I’ve done?_ He’d given his body to someone else, when he said he never would. Mike didn’t know how he would be able to deceive someone he’d loved and held onto so fiercely for so long. All of his thoughts were conflicting and distressing. _Ches is fine with Ryan anyway. Probably better than fine. They’re probably just as guilty as we are._

Mike was in bed when Jason stepped out of the bathroom naked. “What are you doing?” he asked, stopping to look at Mike with his pillow, snuggled in to Ryan’s side of the bed.

“They’re not coming home,” Mike said. “Ches texted. They’re at Amir’s.”

It was an unexpected turn of events, and a small part of Jason’s heart felt the sting of Ryan choosing Chester over him. It was unreasonable to be upset, he decided. He was about to crawl in bed with Mike, no hesitation. Ryan was probably doing the same thing with Chester, and Jason knew it wasn’t fair to expect Ryan to be faithful if he was not. That part of him that wanted fidelity, that demanded it after Mark, was going to have to be suspended while he navigated this new territory. He slid into bed and turned off the lamp, and when he turned to reach for Mike, Mike was already on his side, facing him. “This turned out better than I thought,” Jason whispered in the darkness, the sound of the ocean coming in through the windows they had left open.

Mike found Jason’s lips in the dark and they kissed slowly, one of Jason’s hands sliding into Mike’s hair. They shared a long kiss, then a shorter one, then a barely there peck before Mike sighed. “Good night, Jason,” he whispered, letting Jason pull him close.

In the dark, Jason smiled, comfortably tucked against Mike and completely worn out. “Sleep well, Mikey.”

****  
TBC


	20. Bed Confessions

The decision to go to Amir’s instead of home had been sudden. It was an idea in the backseat of the Uber, that had turned into reality when Ryan sat forward and asked the driver to head the other way. 

“Shouldn’t we ask first?” Chester wondered out loud as he texted Mike to let him know he wouldn’t be home. “I’m not always sure about Amir.” 

“Well I am,” Ryan assured him, turning to look for Chester’s dark eyes in the shadowed space of the SUV they were riding in. “He won’t have a problem with us crashing at his place. You’re right, we need a break, and it’s either Amir’s or go to a hotel and I know Mike would flip his shit at you if we did that.” He reached over, cupping Chester’s knee. “I don’t want him to be mad at you because of me. Ever.” 

Chester nodded. “I know.” He covered Ryan’s hand with his own, wrapping his smaller fingers around it. “I texted him, letting him know we won’t be home tonight. He hasn’t answered,” he added, his free hand picking up his phone. “He’s probably still pissed, even if we aren’t going to a hotel for the night. Even though that might be nicer.”

“Nicer?” 

Chester shrugged. “It’s so crowded at home. It feels like I can’t breathe there sometimes. And don’t take that personally,” he made sure to say, squeezing Ryan’s hand. “I just mean physically, there’s a lot of stuff in that space now, and it’s, like, the total opposite spectrum to how it was before you guys. Before Mike moved in.” 

“Oh, I see,” Ryan teased, “you miss being a single bachelor.” 

“Please,” Chester scoffed lightly. “Far from it. But I do miss the organized space.”

“Your minimalist lifestyle.” 

“Yeah. Exactly. Mike has so much stuff. Art stuff and music stuff. When we moved him in, it was painful. All the spray cans, and dirty looking paint brushes and cans and tubes and eh,” Chester whined with a shiver. He loved his boyfriend’s art, and he would never deny him the opportunity to work on it at home, but it was messy and space consuming, and he’d never hid how he felt about it. “And now there’s the giant bed in the corner of the living room, and you can’t even walk anywhere without bumping into something.” 

Ryan was laughing. He couldn’t help it. He remembered clearly the day Chester had called him in a quiet panic over Mike’s things suddenly consuming the downstairs, and now, of course, there was twice as much stuff than before. “Your high maintenance ass just needs to live alone.” 

Chester let go of Ryan’s hand to twist in his seat, his face offended, even though Ryan couldn’t see it in the dark. “I am _not_ high maintenance. You take that back.” He poked a finger to Ryan’s chest. They really hadn’t had much to drink. Two beers each, that had gone along with their dinner. They were less drunk, and more excited than anything to get a night away from the tight loft, a night away where they could have fun and be themselves. They would go to Amir’s and chit-chat and gossip and then crash in Amir’s guest room, a newly vacated space since _the roommate_ had recently moved to New York.

“I’m not taking anything back, Chazzy,” Ryan told him just as the Uber driver announced they were pulling up to the building. It was a quick exchange of thank yous as Ryan and Chester got out and headed inside Amir’s apartment building. 

Ryan led the way, their hands linked as they walked through the silent lobby to the elvetaror. Amir’s building wasn’t anything like the seaside loft. It was newer, with all the current trends on display. Windows wrapped around everywhere, and just walking down the hallway to get to Amir’s door, you could feel the quality and care that had gone into the building itself and the furnishings that gave it a sense of high end character. Spiral lights, bamboo floors, and well-placed abstract art pieces brought everything together, and that was just in the common areas. 

Ryan knocked on the door. He glanced at his watch. It was only nine-thirty. Surely Amir was still awake. “Maybe we should have called first,” he mumbled, glancing Chester’s way, but then the door opened. 

“Well, well. To what do I owe the pleasure of you two showing up at my door unannounced?” Amir stood back, opening the door to let Ryan and Chester come inside. “If you hadn’t seen my hair ready for bed a million times I might be embarrassed right now.” He closed the door behind them and pulled his black pajama pants with flying unicorns on them up a little more on his hips. He wasn’t exactly dressed for company. 

“Sorry we didn’t call first,” Ryan offered as he and Chester stood hand in hand. “And we _have_ seen your hair in all its stages, so no worries there.” He looked over at Chester, their eyes connecting for a second. It had been Ryan’s idea to come to Amir’s, and he knew it was on him to ask the big question. “So, your guest room is still empty, right?” he asked, nodding toward the closed bedroom door that was across the streamlined space - kitchen, dining, and living room were all on the first floor, along with a bathroom and a smaller bedroom. The master was upstairs, a room Ryan had only been in once, and he was pretty sure Chester had never seen it.

Amir glanced over at the bedroom. “Which one of you fucked up?” he asked, waving them on into the apartment. “That room is the place everyone wants to go when they’re in trouble.” He lifted an eyebrow at the pair. “Must be you, Ry-Ry. Chazzy has to get home before Mike calls.” He pointed at Chester. “That leash is too short for you to be out all night.”

Chester’s face sank, along with his heart. “I told him we were coming here,” he mumbled. “He hasn’t said anything. I’m the one that fucked up.” 

Instantly Amir cooled his usual sarcastic teasing. The look on Chester’s face told him he probably shouldn’t have said anything. “Hey, sorry, Chaz. I just wanted to give Ry a hard time. That was a shitty thing to say. Whatever you did, I’m sure it will work out.” He looked over at Ryan. “I know, I’m an ass sometimes. It’s late. I’ve got to be up early tomorrow.” 

Ryan glanced Chester’s way, but he could tell his friend wasn’t going to say much. Their happy mood they’d shared on the way over was now down in the gutter. He looked back to Amir. “We just need some place to crash for the night. We really should have called. It was kind of last minute thinking. We’ll be quiet so you can go to bed. We’re just going to sleep.” 

“There’s some towels if you want to shower,” Amir offered. “I don’t mind, really. I’m out of practice being nice, I guess. The new job is totally different that way. Nobody’s friends at all.” He shrugged and looked over at the kitchen area. “You guys do what you need to do, you know where stuff is, Ry. Help yourself. I was just on my way upstairs, so if it’s okay with you two, I’m out.” 

Chester looked up. “Thanks, Amir,” he managed to get out, and his smile returned for a second. 

Ryan reached out to pat the side of Amir’s arm. “It’s been a hell of a day. We’ll catch you up in the morning,” he promised, before adding a quick, “good night.” 

“Okay then. Good night.” Amir took the stairs quickly. There was no need to wait around and make sure they would be okay.

They watched Amir go upstairs before Ryan pulled his leather jacket off. He folded it over the back of one of the kitchen table chairs, and then led the way over to the spare room. He opened the door and turned on the light. They stood in a sort of frozen moment. They could see the kitchen table from where they were, and the staircase that led up to the master bedroom and bath, but that was about all. Ryan looked past Chester to the bed behind him. “I think that’s a queen,” he said, pointing. “We’ll have plenty of room.” 

Chester turned around, looking over the nice sized mattress and the dark wood headboard. There was only one nightstand, and one small lamp. “Yeah, we’ve slept in less,” he said, turning to look around the rest of the room. There was a tall chest of drawers, along with a mounted television and a simple writing desk. Two big windows lined the outside wall, and double doors led to what Chester had to assume was a closet. He didn’t say anything as he crossed the room and opened them both at the same time. “Holy fuck,” he gasped, his eyes wide. “Ry, look at this. Look at the space!” He twisted to catch Ryan’s bright eyes for a second before he walked into the closet. “I’m walking in!” he cheered with both his arms stretched out to either side. “It’s a walk-in!”

Ryan couldn’t take his eyes off Chester. He didn’t care about the walk-in closet, even though it did seem unfair that Amir would have a walk-in closet in his spare room, while his and Jason’s clothes were stacked and piled in the corner of the living room of the loft. But Chester’s natural delight over the small things in life had always been a huge attraction to Ryan, and before he knew it, he was in the closet, too, relishing in the turn of Chester’s mood. They stood close, looking at the empty wire shelving and each other. “Now we’re both in here.” 

“This is like the wet dream of closets,” Chester chuckled, his attention leaving the empty space to concentrate on Ryan’s face, and the thoughtful look that had crossed his eyes. “What are you thinking?” he asked, lifting his hand to gently pet his fingers over Ryan’s jawline, and the small amount of dark scruffy hair that lived there. 

Ryan shut his eyes under Chester’s touch. “Us,” he admitted simply. “Just daydreaming for a minute.” 

“Tell me,” Chester begged softly, his fingers trailing from Ryan’s face, down his neck.

Ryan opened his eyes, and his arms went out, holding Chester around the waist. “I was just thinking that this is what it would be like if we ever lived together. Not like now. I mean, just us. If we went to look at places.” He smiled as he ducked his eyes. “You’d open all the closets and inspect them, and we’d get to pick out a place that has exactly what we want. Room to breathe, but nothing crazy big like this place.” 

Chester pulled his lip in, sucking on his piercing. The thought of living with Ryan wasn’t a new one. They’d talked about it before, back before Mike had come into Chester’s life. Back when he first wanted to move out of his mom’s house. They’d looked at places online, and in the paper, but hadn’t physically gone to look at anything, since Ryan was still in his lease with his roommate. But it had never gone past talk. Mark swept in soon after, and solved the problem, giving Chester the loft for free. 

“I think living together like that would be fun,” he finally said, his fingers feathering between the nape of Ryan’s neck, and down to the exposed space between his shoulder blades where his tank top dipped low. “It’s fun to daydream.” 

“It is.” Ryan let out a sigh before he leaned forward and kissed Chester on his cheek. “Ready to lay down? Or do you want to hang out in here all night?”

“Sleeping in the closet is an option?” Chester asked with a grin. 

“No,” Ryan laughed, as he nuzzled another light kiss to Chester’s face, and then he let him go, and yawned. “Come on, I want to snuggle. It’s been a long fucking day, Chazzy.”

Chester yawned right after, his slower and more dramatic as he felt his chest shake and his whole body slump. The idea of crawling into bed with Ryan, and closing out the worries of the day was a nice one. “It _has_ been a long day.” He followed Ryan to the bed, and watched as he pulled back the pink and silver blanket that covered it. “That’s a weird blanket.” 

“Yeah, it is. Looks like something Noah would pick out, doesn’t it?” Ryan asked, inspecting the very flamboyant pattern.

Chester snorted. “It does!” he agreed before he walked over to the door, and flipped the overhead light off, as Ryan turned on the bedside lamp. A warm glow cascaded over the room now, and Chester went back and sat down on the edge of the bed. The mattress was soft, and already he could feel the fatigue of the day. He kicked off his sneakers, and wiggled his toes inside his black and red socks that matched his pants. His shoulders slumped as his thoughts turned to Mike. “I hope he’s not mad at me,” he mumbled before he pulled his tank top off. He folded it, and set it on top of his shoes, the nightstand was on Ryan’s side. 

“Who? Mike?” 

“Yeah,” Chester answered, not even looking over his shoulder. He could feel Ryan moving around, and he knew he was getting undressed, taking off his boots and shirt, and then he heard Ryan’s belt being unbuckled. 

“If he’s mad at you, then he’s an asshole,” Ryan said as he stood by the bed, pulling his belt free from his jeans. “You’re right about Jason. He should have at least told you...told us.”

“It’s not just that,” Chester sighed before he turned, pulling one knee up on the bed. He watched as Ryan stood shirtless. Chester could see his nipples by the dim lighting, and his muscle memory of how they felt, flooded him. Nipples, the sparse amount of soft hair on Ryan’s chest, the tattoos that were there - it was all embedded forever in Chester’s mind and fingertips. “Mike came to YRS for me,” he said, his gaze dropping to the silly blanket and the white sheet under it. “He didn’t have to. You and me and the others, we were all there to work. But he wasn’t. He was there to try and keep me safe. To save me from Mark.” He bent forward a little, his arm wrapped around his stomach. “Nobody’s ever done something like that for me before. He hated it so much. He hated me doing it, but he joined anyway. He did that for me, and now, now it’s like that never happened.” He looked up and over at Ryan. “The proof of it, it’s all gone. Like he never did that.” 

Ryan still had his jeans on as he sat down and put his hand on Chester’s back. “But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Jason can’t take away the memories.” 

“I know,” Chester whispered. “I just wasn’t expecting it. And Mike’s not upset about it. He’s ashamed, Ry.” He shut his eyes and shook his head slowly as he tried to piece together the two facts - the last year at YRS was a saving grace to Chester, but for Mike it had been something dirty. Something he wanted to forget. It was hard to marry the two. “It was actually kind of nice there for awhile...getting to brag to the other guys that my boyfriend was with me in the videos. That he was there for me.” Chester wiped his hand across the corner of his eye. “And now it’s not there. Like I lied about that. In real life, he was ashamed to be there.” 

Ryan pulled Chester closer, letting their shared body heat give its own kind of comfort. “You didn’t lie about anything. And you don’t have to explain it to anyone, Chaz. Mike did what he did, and even though you’d never know it looking at the site, it doesn’t change the reality of it all.” He kissed the side of Chester’s head, his lips lost in his blonde curls for a few seconds. Despite their time at work, and then at the bar, he could still smell Chester, the slight hint of the beach and peaches that continually lingered over his skin and hair. “YRS is over, and we’ve moved on from that. You, me, Mike and Jay. Mark’s gone, and we’re all safe now.”

“I know,” Chester agreed with a sigh. He knew he was in the wrong for blowing up at Jason, and he was pretty sure he was going to have to apologize for that in the morning, but right now he didn’t want to think about it. “Everything at YRS with Mike was hard. It was a struggle. I appreciate the hell out of what he did for me, but I know he hated it. Sometimes I think he hates me, too.”

Ryan pulled back as he tried to get a read on Chester’s face. “What are you talking about?” 

Chester shrugged as he wiped at his eyes again. “Things he says sometimes. The way he looks at me. He holds stuff against me, things I couldn’t control and things I can’t change now. I don’t know. It’s just a feeling that hits now and again. And it’s worse now. Now I can’t even give him what he wants in bed, and I know he’s trying to understand and be patient, but I can feel him holding that against me, too.” 

Ryan’s eyes narrowed a little. He’d heard bits and pieces of the woes of Chester and Mike’s relationship over the last two years, but Chester had never come out and said everything so plainly before. “If he holds anything against you, he’s in the wrong, Chazzy. You’re talking about working at YRS? It’s not like he didn’t know. You told him before you had sex, and he chose to do it anyway. That’s bullshit if he tries to think less of you now.”

“It’s been like that for a long time,” Chester admitted, his concentration on the knee of his red and black pants. “And all the accusations he makes about you and me. Guess we haven’t been helping with that. Between that night at Amir’s party, and the night on the bed, all four of us.” 

Ryan slid his hand up Chester’s naked back, criss-crossing it over his shoulders. “He can’t hold that night against us. We were all into that.” Ryan let out a breath. “I don’t think me and Jay are going to last.” 

Chester picked his head up, turning to see his friend’s face. “What?” 

Ryan dropped his hand before he stood up. “Come on,” he said, motioning toward Chester. “I want to lay down.” He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off, leaving him in only a black pair of underwear. He crawled back onto the bed, under the sheet this time, but leaving the pink and silver blanket folded over at the bottom of the bed. He put his head on the pillow as he looked up and watched as Chester copied him, taking off his pants, and getting into bed in only his red underwear. They slid together, facing each other. Ryan’s hand went to Chester’s hip, his fingers smoothing back and forth over the place between Chester’s warm skin and the waistband of his underwear. “Like I said before,” Ryan started, his voice much lower - softer - now that they were huddled together, “he’s not the same as he was. We’re not the same.” 

“I know you said that,” Chester mumbled, his one arm shoved up under his pillow, his other hand on Ryan’s chest as he petted him. “But breaking up? Are you sure?” 

Ryan nodded. “It’s only going to be a matter of time. I can feel it. We just don’t connect, and I know he knows it. We both do. Whatever pulled us together at YRS is pushing us apart now, because there’s just nothing there. Even when we have an occasional good night, it doesn’t last.” 

“I’m sorry, Ry,” Chester whispered, his heart aching for his friend. Jason was Ryan’s first real boyfriend - at least since Chester had known him - and he knew on a very personal level how hard it was to see that kind of relationship unravel. “What will happen?” 

“I don’t know,” Ryan admitted honestly. He shut his eyes and snuggled his face closer to Chester’s on the pillow. “I’ll have to move out. Does it make me a bad person to say that I’m sadder over the thought of leaving you, than leaving Jason?”

Chester looked up, his lips brushing over Ryan’s prickly chin. “No,” he whispered, his fingers pressing into Ryan’s chest. “God, I’ll miss you,” he whined just a little before their lips met. It was a slow embrace, Chester sucking gently on Ryan’s bottom lip. His eyes were closed, his heart pulling him toward the other man. Despite all his complaining about the loft being crowded, Ryan wasn’t the one he wanted to leave. The thought of his friend moving out, ending up on the other side of the city, or with another terrible roommate was hard. 

Chester would be back to having no one to play video games with, no one to talk to about fashion, or pick out his daily outfits with. No more conversations in the bathroom while they got ready for work each morning. No more teasing each other over the things that happen when you live together, things like farts and body odor and spilling spaghetti sauce down your shirt. No more sharing hair products, and blow dryers. No more sitting on the couch with beers and sliced cheese and watching silly tv shows just to laugh. Just to make jokes and nudge each other while they did it. No more morning battles over the syrup. No more late night movies and shared bowls of spicy popcorn. _The popcorn. He’s the only person on earth that I know that likes it as much as me._

Ryan felt Chester tremble inside their kiss. The silver hoop of Chester’s lip rig was pressed into his skin, and that familiar feeling, which was usually one of pleasure, was now causing Ryan to break their kiss. “Chazzy,” he whispered, his hand going to Chester’s clean shaven face. “It’s going to be okay. No matter where I move to, we’re still going to see each other. And not just at work.” 

“It won’t be the same,” Chester pouted, his eyes falling back to Ryan’s chest and the gold chain of his necklace. “I’m going to be stuck there with Mike and Jason.” He said it before he really thought about the meaning behind the words, and he gasped as he looked up, right into Ryan’s bright blue eyes that looked darker by the lamplight. “I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Shhhh,” Ryan cooed gently, his fingers stroking over Chester’s hip. “You don’t have to backpedal in front of me. I know what you mean. I wouldn’t want to be left alone with the two of them either.”

“God, that sounds so awful of us,” Chester confessed, his hand halted on Ryan’s chest. “I love Mike, I really do.” He paused, watching as his fingers slowly started to flex open and closed over Ryan’s soft chest hair. “But he’s changed, too. Maybe we all have.” 

“I think so,” Ryan agreed easily. “It’s like a different section of our lives now. YRS and after YRS.” He let his hand roll a little further up Chester’s side, not going up to his ribs, he knew that would only tickle, and now wasn’t the time for that. He pulled his fingers lightly back down, over Chester’s hip and then to his thigh. The feel of the downy soft leg hair had Ryan closing his eyes and moving a little closer. 

It felt nice. All of it. And Chester didn’t want Ryan to stop. His touch was light, and familiar, and he had zero worry over anything going further than he wanted. It wasn’t even a conscious thought, the knowledge that all he’d have to do is whisper the word _stop_, or less. If he pulled back, if he hesitated in the slightest, he knew Ryan would read him like a book, and the long standing respect between them would show. 

But the word _stop_ wasn’t coming from Chester’s lips as he laced their legs together under the sheet. The window was open, and the night air was flowing into the room, caressing them both as they kissed again, this time a little faster, a little more force behind it. Chester slid his hand over, his petting fingers landing on one of Ryan’s nipples, and he felt the intake of air come from him. 

Ryan’s hand dropped, shifting from Chester’s thigh to his round ass, and he squeezed his one butt cheek. His pulse was picking up, his mind swirling as he hoped for more. More contact. More kisses. More Chester. _Chester. Not Charlie Bang. Not even drunk Chester or high Chester, but just Chester, and just me, too._ He kept Chester’s ass cupped in his hand for a second longer, before letting go and sliding his hand up his back and then down to the waistband of his underwear, daring to tease his fingers over and then under it. Chester’s skin was warm - almost moist - like his body was turned on. 

Chester was already feeling the tingles of arousal starting, first in his belly and then his legs, and he was hoping that feeling was going to carry through to reach the most important parts. He hadn’t been able to get hard for weeks, not for Mike and not even by his own hand, and it was all built up, and wanting to be let out. _I feel it. Fuck, it feels good._ He bucked his hips, his bottom half wanting contact with Ryan’s, and that’s when he opened his eyes, pulling back from their round of deeper kisses that had both their tongues on overdrive. “Ry,” he panted, “I can actually feel something.” 

It was an honest confession, and one Ryan knew hadn’t been uttered to stop what they were doing, but he pulled his hand from the back of Chester’s underwear anyway. He looked his friend in the face, and even by the low light, he could see his pupils had gone a little wider, his mouth hanging open as he breathed. Chester’s cheeks were already flushed, his fingers latched onto Ryan’s nipple, pinching it to make it hard. “Really?” Ryan asked, before he took a hard swallow. “Just like last time?” 

Chester nodded. “Better than last time.” He went to lean in, to get another kiss, to buck his hips again so his and Ryan’s hidden dicks could touch, but he stopped. “What...what do you think that means?” he asked suddenly. Mike’s face, with his dark eyes and shaggy hair that wouldn’t stay under control lately, flashed through his mind. “Fuck, Ry,” he whined as he pulled back even further. “What does it mean? Mike’s been trying for weeks, I’ve been trying,” he insisted, his hand leaving Ryan’s nipple to press to his own chest. “And nothing. It’s like my dick is fucking out of order and now, we’re just kissing and talking and it’s magically ready to go.” 

In that moment, Ryan was thankful for the cooler city air coming in through the window. It wasn’t the same as the salty ocean breeze, but it was something to flow over his worked up body, and his fuzzy mind as he followed what Chester was saying. “I, I don’t know,” he answered before forcing a hard swallow. He wanted to say something more, but he didn’t want to put ideas against Mike in Chester’s head either, that seemed wrong. “Maybe you’re just finally evening out from the meds and it’s my lucky timing.” 

“No,” Chester insisted before he sat up. His body screamed at him, especially his cock, which had been working on plumping up for the first time in weeks. He shut his eyes - hard - as he rested his elbows on his knees. He felt Ryan sit up beside him. “I know some of my problem has been the meds. My therapist said it happens...but I think between me and Mike, it’s more than that.” 

Ryan wanted to reach over and spoon his arm around Chester’s naked back, but he kept himself from it. He knew his friend needed space to think, space to sort it all out, and Ryan would never take that from him. “Like what?” he whispered, even though he was pretty sure what was coming. _He needs to be the one to say it though. He’s the only one who really knows what he’s feeling._

“The last time me and Mike went a really long time without sex, and it wasn’t even that long,” he clarifed, picking his head up to glance Ryan’s way, “it was like a week, but, but he really didn’t like it. That was what was going on before we did that shoot at YRS with the handcuffs. When he went crazy on me. He said it was because it had been so long.” 

Ryan’s mouth dropped open a little, a small ball of concern cocktailed with anger forming. “That’s why he left marks all over you?” 

Chester nodded. “He couldn’t help himself. That’s what he always says. It’s been more times than that, Ry. Not the bruising, but him saying stuff like that. That ‘he can’t help himself’ and ‘he has to have me now’, and then it happens. It always happens, and I’m not saying I didn’t want to or that I didn’t enjoy all those times, but he, he gets wild. And now it’s been over a month.” Chester stopped, his stomach feeling sick, all arousal vanished. “What’s he going to do when I can finally have sex with him again?”

Ryan couldn’t help himself. He wrapped his arm around Chester’s naked back, and kissed his shoulder. “It’s no good if you can’t trust him...especially in the bedroom.” 

Chester nodded. “I know.” 

“Does he stop if you tell him to?” Ryan shut his eyes, his lips still close to Chester’s warm skin. He was praying for one answer, and one answer only. 

“Yeah,” Chester whispered. “He’s never, never gone that far, Ry. I promise. And I’m getting better at saying no. At using my voice. It’s just hard to get everything in agreement right now...the meds, and my heart and my head, and my body.” He motioned up and down his front. “It’s like fucking trying to herd cats on my insides.” He turned his head. “Except for when I’m with you. You make all my inner kittens align.” 

The smile practically busted off of Ryan’s face. It was the best thing he’d heard all night. He leaned forward, getting his other arm around Chester’s front to pull him a little closer. He kissed his ear, making sure to flick Chester’s black and silver plug with his tongue before he whispered, “I like that. Let’s lay back down and try and get some sleep. Okay?” 

Chester nodded, all pressure and epiphanies on hold as he let himself fall backwards on the bed with his friend. They shared a soft, lingering goodnight kiss before Chester turned over, and Ryan scooted up against him, his hand on Chester’s hip, their heads sharing a pillow. 

*****

Ryan could hear voices. He recognized one of them distinctly as Amir, his dry way of saying everything coming through. But the second voice he was still struggling to place, his sleepy mind only half awake. He felt the warm body in front of him, and without opening his eyes, he knew it was Chester. Not just from the memory of lying down together the night before, but he knew him by his shape, his breathing pattern, the feel of his skin.

“Mmmmm,” Ryan mumbled as he curled his arm a little more around Chester’s middle. Their bottom halves had space between them, the only part where they were really touching was the top - Ryan’s arm looped over Chester, and the slight graze between Chester’s back and Ryan’s chest. 

Another few seconds went by, and Ryan’s brain finally put the connection together. Noah. Noah was the other voice he heard, and that seemed to be out of place. He cracked one eye open just as a chill hit him, running from his bare feet all the way up his legs and his torso. Chester’s blonde curls were the first thing he saw, but the second was Chester’s shoulder, and his back. 

Their sheet was gone. 

Ryan picked his head up, and looked down the bed. Sure enough, one or both of them had kicked it away in the middle of the night, and Ryan sat up enough to grope for it at the bottom of the bed. He pulled it back over them, before he resumed his place, his hand on Chester’s hip, his eyes closing. He didn’t know what time it was, but he wasn’t getting up. It wasn’t every morning he got to lay in bed with Chester, the two of them relaxed and drifting between sleep and awake. 

He let the seconds tick by, and as they did, Chester scooted back into him, his ass riding up against Ryan’s crotch. They were both still only in their underwear, and it was a nice feeling. It was silent permission to snuggle closer, and Ryan took it. He embraced Chester a little more, wrapping their legs together, and putting his face and lips at the back of Chester’s neck. _We’ll get up soon. We need to get dressed and go home. We need to get there before Jay and Mike leave for work. Right?_ He had to really think for a moment, but he finally decided it was Thursday, and that meant their boyfriends would both be leaving the loft before nine o’clock to get across the city to their respective jobs. Lazily staying in bed to snuggle would have to wait for some other time, and Ryan knew it. 

_Maybe we can have coffee first,_ he thought just before he heard his name. It wasn’t Chester, but Noah’s voice. Ryan laid still, trying to listen. He dared to open his eyes again, and suddenly the conversation made sense. He could see Amir and Noah both, sitting at Amir’s kitchen table, a round metal piece that matched the three shiny silver chairs that belonged to it, his jacket still folded over the back of one of them. Ryan was pretty sure there was a fourth chair somewhere that had long ago been repurposed up in Amir’s bedroom for some reason. He could see that they were eating, though he couldn’t tell what from where he was. 

“Even though I know they aren’t really dating,” Ryan heard Noah say in a failed whisper, “it’s not weird at all to see them like that...practically naked and sleeping together.” Noah gasped. “I bet they had sex last night.” 

_Oh, God,_ Ryan grumbled inside his head, and he was happy that their days at YRS were over. If this same situation would have happened six months ago, gossip about him and Chester sneaking off to Amir’s to bang each other would be rampant. _Mike would be pissed and take it out on Chaz, even though nothing happened last night. He probably wouldn’t believe us._ A frown hit Ryan’s face as he recalled what Chester had said the night before - that Mike often made accusations of more than friendship going on between the two of them. _Well he’d be wrong about this time. Nothing happened. We stopped. We didn’t even really get anywhere. We were just talking...and kissing a little. I like kissing Chaz. I know he likes it to. I’m the best kisser._ The memory of the out of the blue compliment from his friend last week struck Ryan’s memory, and he grinned, his insides feeling a little warmer, just as he heard Amir’s voice. 

“Calm down, Noey. Nobody had any sex last night.” Amir rolled his eyes and took another bite of his bacon and egg breakfast taco. “I would have heard them.” The bacon was salty and delicious, and Amir had grown quite fond of his Thursday morning breakfasts with Noah. The redhead was a lot calmer at six-thirty in the morning. 

Noah leaned forward in his seat, trying to get a better look through the doorway of the guest bedroom. “I don’t know. I bet they know how to be quiet.” He looked down at his food, his second breakfast taco was almost gone, and he knew he’d have to be leaving soon, which was always the worst part about Thursdays. Breakfast with Amir was always over too fast. “I always figured they were still doing stuff together. Even though Mike told me different.” He took a bite, a big chunk of sausage falling out onto the foil wrapper his tacos had been wrapped in, and he couldn’t help but look at it like it had betrayed him.

The eyebrow not covered by Amir’s bangs quirked sharply. “Mike? When did you ever talk to Mike about Ry and Chaz screwing?” It didn’t sound like the type of conversation Mike Shinoda would have with anyone, and especially not Noah. 

Noah wiped his mouth with his napkin before crumbling it up in his hand. “In Seattle. I don’t know where you were,” he said, his mind grappling to recall exactly how things had gone. “But Ryan was painting Chaz’s nails, and they were, you know, how they are. Touching and flirting and giggling.” He cocked his head again, trying to see the discussed couple in the bed, but they were mostly covered up by the sheet now. “And so I asked Mike. Well, kind of asked.” Noah’s cheeks suddenly felt warm, his one finger tracing something on the silver tabletop. “I tried to hit on him. It made sense at the time!” he rushed to say. “If Chaz and Ryan were still sleeping together, then I was thinking maybe Mike was lonely.” 

Amir had started to laugh, until Noah finished his sentence. _Maybe Mike was lonely. Maybe Mike is lonely, that’s what’s lead to all this mess with the four of them. Devon said they were acting strange, and I saw it myself. Jason cuddled up to Mike at the skating rink._ He turned his head to look into the bedroom, even though he couldn’t see anything from where he was. “I don’t think it’s crossed that line,” he said firmly, closing the discussion. “I can’t believe you tried to hit on Mike. He’s always been the first to talk down about our lifestyle. Mr. Monogamous.” He folded his foil wrapper in half, then in half again. “How about next week you bring chorizo? And potato. I love bacon, but it’s been awhile since I had chorizo.” 

Noah’s freckled face beamed. Anytime Amir sent him on a mission, it was a good feeling. Like he was needed. Like Amir wanted his company, and not just the food he brought with him. “Sure, anything you want,” he answered quickly before he took a sip from his now-cold coffee. “And cut me some slack about Mike. I was still new, I didn’t know he was like that. He was different, guess that’s what I saw in him, but I don’t think that anymore. You’re right, he’s so quick to bash everyone. Our friends. Chaz’s friends.” 

“That’s just Mike.” Amir reached up to pat over his hair and make sure it was in place. He wasn’t going to say anything else. They all had their own personality quirks. He generally didn’t like talking to people, and came across sarcastic even when he was just trying to be direct. Noah was over-eager and came across annoying at times, but Amir had learned he just had a big heart. And Mike looked down on the porn industry, but he’d willingly gotten sucked into it to protect Chester from Mark. Amir didn’t have any place to judge. “This conversation is over, Ry’s getting up.” 

Noah jerked in his seat, as he kept his mouth shut and glanced toward the bedroom door. He was just in time to see Ryan getting out of bed and pulling a black tank top on. “Okay,” Noah whispered to Amir as he turned back around in his seat and tried to act normal. He stuffed his last bite of gooey, cheesy breakfast taco in his mouth before he looked at the black and silver clock hanging on the wall. “Oh, darn,” he whined, his lips sagging like they had weights attached to them. “I gotta get going in a few minutes.” 

“I know. I can’t imagine having to be at work at eight every day.” Amir shuddered and then stood up. He was going to start coffee for Ryan and Chester, and probably another cup for himself. “I’m off today. You can text me when you get bored,” he offered, bestowing the privilege on Noah casually. 

Even though Ryan was stepping out of the guest room, and closing the door behind him, Noah was up on his feet. “Okay, I will,” he chirped happily. He scooped up his trash as he looked over. “Hi, Ryan,” he offered quickly, before downing the last of his coffee. 

Ryan rubbed his arms, the morning breeze that had come in through the open window had chilled him, and he’d closed it out before he’d left Chester to sleep. “Hi,” he offered back, watching as Noah moved around the table, then the kitchen, tossing away foil wrappers and napkins and setting his coffee cup in the sink, all with familiarity, like he’d done it a hundred times. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” 

Noah pulled his lightweight jacket on. “I come over every Thursday and bring breakfast,” he offered truthfully with a smile. “But I can’t stay. I have to get to work.” He hesitated, his eyes flipping from Ryan’s raised eyebrow to Amir’s face before he decided that he wasn’t going to let company ruin their routine. He leaned over, plopped a quick customary kiss to Amir’s soft cheek, and whispered a goodbye before he headed out the door. 

Amir didn’t look at Ryan, or at Noah as he left, and instead focused his attention on coffee grounds. “Bye,” he said with an air of nonchalance. He could feel Ryan staring at him and wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was a little embarrassed. He poured water and turned on the machine, then reached for a mug. “You know where the sugar is.”

Ryan took the few steps to stand in the kitchen. “I do. And looks like Noah does, too.” He couldn’t help but snort just a little as he tried to keep the grin off his face. 

“Yeah, he knows his way around the _downstairs_ pretty well,” Amir answered pointedly. “Like he said, breakfast on Thursday. He’s working at a little place not far from here, and he started bringing these tacos they make there. I know he’s not making much, but he never fails to bring me two. They’re pretty fucking good.” He turned around and sized Ryan up. “It’s not hurting anything. He’s actually nice to talk to in the morning.” 

Ryan’s amused face turned serious as he put his hands up. “Okay,” he offered. “To each his own, buddy. I was just a little surprised to see him. Not sure why...we’ve all kind of stayed in touch.” Ryan snapped his fingers as his eyes turned a shade lighter in epiphany. “That’s why he wanted to throw you that birthday party!” He swung around, looking back at the table where Noah and Amir had shared their weekly breakfast together. “It’s because you’ve gotten close with him.”

Amir turned back to the coffee to hide his face. “At first I couldn’t understand why he’d show up here with tacos. But you’re right. We’ve all kept in touch, to some degree. He cared enough to make sure we kept talking. It’s been better than I thought, seeing him around.” The coffee seemed like it was taking forever. “I guess you know about that, though. It’s been six months and Jason hasn’t kicked Mike and Chaz out. Guess you guys like having each other around, too.” 

Ryan dropped his eyes to the light bamboo flooring. “We’ve all been back and forth on that. It’s really cramped in that loft. It’s really not meant for four people.” He stopped for a second as he looked up and watched as the coffee was finally done. “Chaz started therapy,” he stated, keeping his voice low. “It’s expensive, and that’s been part of the hold up.” 

“God, we all probably need therapy.” Amir looked over at Ryan again now that the attention was off him and Noah. “I thought _Score_ was a good gig. It’s not paying well enough for him and Mike to move out?” 

Ryan shrugged. “It does okay. We’re still at the bottom of things right now, so we have to work our way up. And Chaz has his car payment still, and they’re helping to pay the bills at the loft and Mike is, well, he’s teaching piano and I don’t think that’s bringing in much. They don’t really let us see the budget, so me and Chaz just let them handle it.”

Amir’s ears didn’t miss the casual use of “they” to describe Mike and Jason. “So they’re hiding the money from you guys. Wonder what the motivation is on that.” He poured Ryan a cup of coffee and went to the table to get his empty mug. “Just tell Jason you want to see it. Unless you don’t care. I think you’re probably okay with the way things are.” He stole another glance at Ryan’s face as he came back to the carafe.

“I probably should,” Ryan admitted as he slowly moved around the kitchen, getting the sugar and then the cream. “Chester’s asked, more than once. They just tell us it’s all taken care of.” Ryan opened the silverware drawer to get a spoon. “Anyway, it’s crowded over there, but fun. Chaz and I are getting in a lot of video game time.” 

“I’m sure you are.” Amir watched Ryan make his coffee before he suggested, “let’s go sit on the couch. Those chairs hurt my ass after a while.” He picked up his mug and walked around the table to the sofa that divided the eating area from the television area. “I bet the two of you are really spending a lot of time together, with work and everything.”

Ryan smiled down at his coffee cup, steam still coming off of it. “Yeah, we are. Which is nice, you know?” He turned so he could face Amir on the couch. “I know you’ve heard me whine about this before, but Mike’s always been so greedy about Chaz’s time, like it was a crime for us to even talk.” He let out a sigh, his eyes darting back toward the table and the closed bedroom door. “But it’s like we get to make up for that now.” 

“Mmhmm.” Amir sipped his coffee and nodded thoughtfully. “And that’s gotten better? Mike’s not being an asshole about it anymore?”

Ryan shook his head before taking a small sip of his coffee, the familiar sugary taste sending a burst of pleasure through his system. “He’s gotten a lot better. A lot looser about things.” He paused, debating how far into that he should go. Amir didn’t know anything about how things had gotten behind the closed doors at the loft, or about the night they’d all let the walls down and shared a bed. “Guess he’s finally figuring out that it’s okay for Chaz to have a friend.” 

“A friend.” Amir looked up sharply. “You’re lying to yourself if you think all you and Chaz are is friends.” He really didn’t think Ryan would be that far in denial, but the shocked look on his friend’s face said otherwise. “Please. If there hadn’t been a room full of people at my party you two would have been fucking at the end of that song, and don’t try to deny it.” 

Ryan felt his jaw drop open. “Well, we, no, or, I,” he tried to say, but it came out in a stutter. He sat forward, his elbows on his knees, his coffee mug in hand. “I know we got carried away,” he admitted, “but we recognized that and stopped. It happens,” he said in one large huff. “We’ve got history together, you know? Physical...sexual history together. Sometimes that comes back around.” He looked down at his coffee, hating how that sounded. “We enjoy being close,” he added. 

“I think the real question is, what happened after that? I have to say, Ry, Mike and Jason didn’t look all that shocked. And frankly, that was a mystery to me. Mike has never been okay with you and Chaz even flirting, and then you’ve got Jason, who Mark was fucking around on for years. It doesn’t make any sense.” Amir narrowed his eyes as he watched Ryan shake his head. “You guys have some fucked up group thing going on, don’t you?” 

“Oh my God,” Ryan whispered, his free hand going to his forehead. His jagged hair was half hiding his face, and he was thankful. “No,” he finally answered as he looked up, his gaze skipping past Amir toward the bedroom door again. “Not really.” He let the air out of his lungs as he decided there was no denying it now. Obviously he and the others sucked at acting cool in public lately. “There was one night. We were all drunk. We were playing this goofy card game and that turned into stuff. Blow jobs, mostly,” he tried to clarify without getting too far into details. “But I was with Chaz and Jay was with Mike.” 

Amir almost spit out the coffee he was drinking. “What?” He was certain he’d heard Ryan wrong. It was obvious something was going on with the four of them, but he didn’t expect it to be much more than what Devon had reported. “Mike let you blow Chaz? With him there? Oh my god. Who blew who?” He couldn’t help himself from wanting details, even though he knew he should be lecturing Ryan on boundaries and other relationship type things. 

The air in the apartment felt hot as Ryan smiled a little. “There’s a bed downstairs now, right in the living room.” He looked over to see the perplexed look on Amir’s face. “We have to sleep somewhere, and there’s not enough room for two beds upstairs,” he quickly filled in before he went on. “And we were all together on that bed. Chaz is on pills now, anti-depressants,” he mumbled, “and he’s struggled a little adjusting to them, so when he was suddenly ready to go, it just kind of happened. There was tickling involved,” he recalled, fuzzy memories from that night popping up in his mind. “From me and Mike, and then Jay started with Mike, and, God, Chaz was ready. Ready for the first time in a while and I took over. I got on top and he gave me a hand job and then I sucked him off.” He looked over at Amir. “I think Mike and Jay had a similar thing. You know Jay - Jaxon Deep - that was always his speciality. Mike likes it.” 

“Likes it. You make it sound like this is a common thing.” Amir shook his head in disbelief. “They’ll never move out if you’re all fucking around. I can’t believe Mike let that happen. I can’t believe any of it. No wonder you two making out on the skating floor didn’t even phase them. At the point you’re giving blow jobs around the circle, kissing is nothing.” He leaned over and put his half empty mug on the coffee table and turned to face Ryan properly. “So what’s going to happen? How long is this going to go on? You know it’s not healthy. Not if you’re in a relationship. Or supposed to be,” he amended. His gaze went to Ryan’s promise ring. “I thought you and Jason were serious.” 

Ryan sat his coffee down, too. “It’s not like that. That was one drunken night, and it hasn’t happened since.” He exhaled deeply, trying to keep calm. He didn’t want to get emotional in front of Amir. Not this early in the morning, not with Chester sleeping nearby. “And we _were_ serious,” he said, his eyes on the glass coffee table in front of them. “A lot has changed since Mark passed away. And it’s not because we all went crazy for one night. It was before that. Way before that.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Something’s going to happen, I can feel it. Chaz is having problems and Jay and I don’t really connect on anything. Remember how he used to be?” he asked, swinging his head around to look Amir in the face. “Before he tried to runaway, remember? He was all about the wine and going to expensive places and doing all the high society stuff with Mark? Well, he’s gone back to being like that...and I’m just not that way.”

It all sounded more serious than Amir expected. “I remember the old Jason. You were good for him, you know?” Amir took a deep breath and settled back on the couch, his arms crossed over his chest so he could give his thoughts. “Maybe you need to try to like some of that stuff. If you want it to work. And if you want it to work, then you need to keep harder boundaries with Chaz. _All_ of you need to keep harder boundaries. Maybe you need to tell Jason it’s time they move out. You two have never been alone. Maybe it would work out if you had some space to really have a relationship with each other. Without Chaz there. And I guess, without Mike there to distract Jason. Though I can see why that would happen. They have a lot in common.” 

“They do,” Ryan agreed quickly. “Chaz and I have been noticing that. They’re both real smart, and they like to talk about all this stuff that’s, well, it’s fucking boring. Or complicated,” Ryan amended. “And I’ve been trying, man. I really have. We went to the symphony a couple of weeks ago. Jay was so excited. I even put on a suit for it.” He dropped his head for a few seconds before he added, “I think I fell asleep during it. And they watch these French films on TV that have subtitles, and it’s hard to follow, you know? Trying to read and pay attention. And the books. Jay gave me a book to read, some biography or something about this Italian guy. I’m not even halfway through it yet, but I’m forcing myself to read it because it’s important to him. And the stuff I like, I know it bores him, too. We’re just really different and it never felt like that at YRS.”

“Because every time you were together you were banging his brains out. I know. I got to stand guard many times.” Amir uncrossed his arms and reached over to pat Ryan on the shoulder. “It’s not supposed to be hard. The way I see it, you’ve got two options. Put some space between you and Chaz, and really keep the boundary, and focus on your relationship with Jay, if that’s what you want. Or you and Chaz need to give up and just be together. Why force something if the thing right in front of your face is what you really want?” He pointed his free hand at Ryan’s chest. “You’ve got to decide. I can’t do it for you.” 

It was a sobering thought, giving up on his current relationship to try and be something real with Chester. _A boyfriend. A real boyfriend._ Ryan leaned forward to get his cup. “Me and Chazzy have been friends for so long. We’ve never talked about being together. Not since, what? Over four years ago now? Maybe five? When I first met him at YRS. But then Mark told us we couldn’t date.” He shrugged as he took a sip of coffee, the faint memory of the lecture he and Chester had suffered through by their late boss coming to mind. “I think that was my very first Mark speech.” 

“I don’t miss those,” Amir said. He looked over Ryan’s shoulder, back toward the downstairs bedroom. “You going to be okay? Has Chaz said anything to you about all of this that’s going on? Or are you the one feeling it?” He wished he had some more advice to give, but he was tapped out with everything he’d already said, none of which looked like it had helped Ryan in the slightest. “Maybe you should talk to him.” 

Ryan nodded. “He’s feeling it, too. We talk about it. He’s been going through so much and his emotions are all over the place right now. Some days it’s like he’s a zombie, and then things like last night happen and he flips out. I’ve never seen him act like that toward Jason.” Ryan’s eyes drifted up to the high ceiling and the dangling new age light fixtures that looked like they belonged in outer space, not an L.A. apartment. “There’s so much fucked up stuff between him and Mike, I think he’s just trying to sort that out. I don’t want to interfere.” 

“I think you already have. Without meaning to, of course.” Amir sighed heavily and leaned over to grab his mug. “When you make up your mind, if you need a place, I’ve got a room. You’re always welcome to crash here if you need to.” He avoided looking at Ryan’s face. Sentimental moments made him uncomfortable. 

“I appreciate that,” Ryan said, and he had to admit that it was a good feeling knowing there was at least one place he could go if things never straightened out with Jason. “And Chester loves that room, by the way. The closet, I guess I should say. You should have seen him drooling over it last night.” He sat forward, his mood lifting as the blonde’s face came to mind. “He called it the wet dream of closets.” 

“You know, that’s exactly what I said when I moved in.” Amir cut a snarky look over at Ryan. “Chaz has always been more about clothes than anyone I’ve known. This job you two fell into is perfect for him.”

“Yeah, it is. He loves it,” Ryan agreed. “Hey, listen, about last night...I’m sorry again for us just showing up. Something weird happened yesterday and I want your take on it.” He looked over to see Amir nod. “Jason took all of Mike’s stuff down from the YRS site yesterday. All of it...the videos, the pictures, his profile. Every bit of it. We found out by accident. He didn’t tell us. He, he wanted to surprise Mike with it.” 

Every bit of teasing mood Amir had was gone as he looked at Ryan. “Is that why you ended up here? The two of you? Fuck, Ry. That’s like…” He sat up a little straighter. “That’s a big fucking deal. To just erase someone off the site like that? That must have taken him hours. And to know everything that Mike was in, to be able to get rid of it all.” He blew out a long breath. “Maybe that’s your answer, Ryan. He wasn’t in there taking down _your_ stuff.” 

Amir could be brutally honest. It was something Ryan loved and hated about him. “I know,” he admitted quietly. “I thought about that.” He closed his eyes. “Chaz was so upset. At first he was saying it was over his work being taken down, and that Jason didn’t even bother to tell him about it. But last night he said it was more than that. Mike was ashamed of all that stuff. That’s why Jay took it down, he says. It’s just crazy. I’m not crazy, right?” he asked suddenly as he looked back at Amir. “That’s an extreme thing to do, isn’t it? And Jay gets money from the videos. He took down the piano room scene. That was YRS’ biggest download, and he took it down.” 

Amir knew Ryan didn’t want to hear the truth, not really. “It _is_ an extreme thing to do. The important part of all of that is the money. People do crazy things for money, and Jason’s used to living well. We all know those videos were popular money makers. He didn’t just take them down just because Mike was ashamed of them. I don’t believe that for a second. There had to be something in it for him. That was passive money, Ry. He didn’t have to do anything and it just came in. For him to get rid of it with no explanation is ridiculous. Unless he stood something to gain from it, something he wanted more than money.” 

“I don’t know what that would be. He didn’t gain anything. The site’s not going to grow anymore, since we’re done making videos so it wasn’t a space thing.” Ryan flung his hand out in the air in frustration. He’d already thought about all this, over and over. “The only thing he gained was more loyalty from Mike. We left, but Chester talked to him after and he said Mike was happy they were down, which I guess I’m not surprised about. It was just out of the blue.” 

“Probably less out of the blue than you think,” Amir decided. “Stuff like that doesn’t happen without a reason. It might take a while, but you’ll find out the real reason. It can’t just be because Mike was ashamed of them being there. He has no rights over any of it. None of us do. Those videos will stay out there forever. And if Mike was smart,” Amir said, pointing his finger at his own head, “he’d realize no matter what Jason does, he can’t really erase it all. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of downloads of his videos on computers around the world. No matter how hard Jason tries, he’ll never get Mike’s time at YRS to disappear completely.” 

In the bedroom, Chester felt the empty space behind him, and he sat up suddenly, the sheet falling from his chest. “Ry?” he called, more asleep than awake as he rubbed his eyes and then pulled both hands down his face. _Ugh. What time is it?_ He opened one eye to see the sun blaring in through the window, and that meant it was time to get up. He looked over the bed, but Ryan really wasn’t there. For a second, Chester curled his arm around his stomach, a slight feeling of being left and forgotten haunting him, but he shoved that away the moment he heard voices coming from the rest of the apartment. 

He swung his legs off the bed, and after a long, dramatic yawn, he reached for his jeans. He pulled them on and stood up. He took his cell phone from his pocket to check the time, and he frowned. Last night ticked through his mind, and he pulled his messages with Mike up. He saw the last one he’d sent, the one from the back of the Uber when they’d spontaneously decided to come to Amir’s instead of heading home.

But that was it. Mike hadn’t texted back, not last night and not this morning. “Fuck,” Chester whispered before he shoved his phone in his pocket. Mike not answering was a bad sign, and Chester could feel the immediacy coming on. He needed to find Ryan and they needed to get home. He checked the time again. If they hurried, they could meet their boyfriends at home for a few minutes before they’d be leaving for work. “Fuck me,” Chester hissed as he hurried to get his tank top on, and then his sneakers. He didn’t have time for coffee or breakfast or more talk with Amir. It was time to go home and tell Jason he was sorry for blowing up at him, and then he’d pull Mike into his arms, and tell him he was even more sorry he’d been an asshole to him last night. _Ryan’s right. Things between me and Mike are not going to work if I can’t trust him. I have to find out. I have to try again. I get it now, I get that maybe it’s me holding me back, not just the pills. But I gotta make sure._

He was dressed and opening the door to step out into the apartment. He was already calling for Ryan when he spotted him and Amir on the couch. They had coffee, Chester could smell it. Dark roast coffee, the kind that made Chester’s insides melt. _But I don’t have time for that. Not now. Now we have to go. I want to make sure me and Mike are okay. He always texts me back, and he didn’t. I want to tell him I’m sorry before he goes to work. We should have went home last night. He probably thinks the worst. I am the worst, and look what I’ve done. I yelled at Jason, and I made Mike feel bad about having his stuff taken down from the site. I should have been happy for him, not pissy about it. I’m going to make it up to him. I’m going to._

****  
TBC


	21. A Chilly Thursday

The first light was coming into the loft windows, and Jason was already awake. He didn’t need to get up for work right away, but he knew that he needed to do something significant. He needed to wake Mike up and tell him if he wanted to keep sleeping, he needed to go upstairs. 

Mike was deeply asleep, one hand under his pillow and the other curled into a fist under his chin. The dark blue blanket was high around his shoulders, and Jason lay next to him, watching as features became distinguishable on Mike’s face as the light grew stronger. Jason memorized the space between Mike’s lips as he breathed, the fall of his bangs across his forehead. He reached out and covered Mike’s exposed hand with his own, gently moving his thumb over the knuckles. _I hope he’s still okay when he wakes up. I hope he doesn’t regret last night. It’s going to be hard, going on like nothing has changed. Having to do to Ry what I did to Mark, just to keep the peace. Lying. We’re both lying this time. I hope Mike is ready for this._

Jason scooted closer, their foreheads almost touching. “Mike,” he whispered, watching for any signs that Mike had heard him. “Mike,” he whispered again, a little stronger. He watched the crease between Mike’s eyebrows as he scrunched his eyes tightly and a frown formed on his lips. 

“It’s early,” Mike mumbled, only somewhat aware that the room wasn’t awash in sunlight like it normally was when it was time for him to get up for work. Flashes of memories from the night before filtered slowly through his brain and his frown softened as he opened his eyes to Jason’s soft smile. “It’s too early, Jay.”

“I know. I know you hate waking up early. But it’s a work day. I was thinking Ry and Chaz, they might be coming in to get clothes, and you can’t be here. Not down here.” Jason leaned close and pressed a light kiss to Mike’s pouting lips. “It was good to get to sleep together, though. You were out quick last night.”

Mike turned his face into the pillow. “I was tired,” he said into the pillow. He was still tired, and he knew Jason was right about them not being discovered in the downstairs bed together, but that didn’t make getting up any easier.

“You can go upstairs and go back to sleep,” Jason suggested. “I might sleep a little more, too. I just know we can’t risk you staying down here.” He moved to sit up a little, and brushed the hair off Mike’s forehead. “Come on. You want me to take your pillow upstairs?” Jason tugged on the corner of Mike’s pillow and almost laughed when Mike’s hand shot out to stop him.

“I’ll get up,” Mike whined, rolling over onto his back. Jason was hovering over him with a smile and he couldn’t hide the answering smile on his face, though he wanted to keep pouting. “I’m going, I swear.” He stretched his arms over his head and then sat up as Jason scooted back. Mike grabbed his pillow and started to get out of the bed, but he hesitated. “It’s going to be weird, isn’t it?” he asked softly, his mind going to Chester and what it would be like to see him this morning, after what he’d done. 

Jason reached over to slide his arms around Mike’s stomach, resting his chin on Mike’s shoulder. “Do you wish we hadn’t done it?” he asked, his eyes looking straight ahead into the apartment. It was complete chaos, six months of living in the crowded space together, a representation of all four of their lives at the moment. Even though he’d forced himself to ask, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear Mike’s answer. He didn’t want to think they had made a mistake. 

Mike closed his eyes, hugging his pillow close. It wouldn’t do any good to analyze it all now and wish he could go back. He tried to come at it all from a purely physical point of view. His body wanted Jason, and he’d gotten him. Even if it had been emotionally unfulfilling, Mike had made a choice to betray Chester and now he was stuck. If he was going to make that betrayal worth it, he was going to have to work for the emotional connection. _Maybe we just don’t know each other well enough yet. But it was never like that with Ches. We were always connected to each other._ “I don’t know how good I’ll be at hiding it,” he finally said, trying to mask his confusion. “This would have been easier if we’d waited.” He felt Jason kiss the side of his neck.

“I know,” Jason whispered. He tried not to notice Mike hadn’t answered his question. After a few more seconds of silence, he let Mike go. “Go on and get some more sleep. Everything will be fine.” He watched Mike nod and stand up, taking his pillow with him upstairs without looking back. Jason flopped back on the mattress and closed his eyes, even though he knew he wouldn’t sleep anymore. It was too early to get up and make coffee, and he wanted to stay quiet so Mike could sleep. 

Mike crawled between the sheets of the upstairs bed and buried his face in his pillow to block the encroaching light. Thoughts and memories of Chester and all the time they had spent in this bed poked at his brain. _He’s happier with Ryan. I see it when they’re together. I’ve been fighting their relationship ever since he and I started. I have to let him go so he can be healthier. Ryan will take care of him, he’s always been there. And Jay’s right about the two of us. We’re good together, too. We get each other. That’s what pulled us together._ He felt the flush over his skin as he remembered last night and how Jason took control. _He said it will be fine. We’ll all be fine._

Mike hadn’t been back asleep long when voices downstairs pulled him out of sleep. _Jay was right. They came home._ Something heavy settled into the pit of his stomach as he heard Chester’s voice, then Jason’s. It was obvious they were trying to be quiet, that they knew he was still sleeping. It was hard to make out what was being said, but everyone sounded amicable. _I should get up and go down there. But I don’t want to. I don’t know how to do this. I feel like Ches will know, just by looking at me._ Indecision kept him in bed, the blanket pulled over his ears with just his face peeking out. 

Chester hadn’t waited. He’d given his apology to Jason, and he’d waited the few short moments for him to accept, for him to kiss Ryan on his cheek and for them to share a few words, and then Chester was up the stairs. He wasn’t going to barge in on Ryan and Jason’s time, knowing they didn’t have much of it this morning before Jason would need to leave for work. 

_Work_. The thought struck Chester as he went upstairs and he glanced at his watch, letting out a sigh of relief. He had more time than Ryan to make amends with his boyfriend, and he was thankful for that. He stopped at the top of the stairs, his hand going over his heart as he looked at the bed. Mike had the blankets pulled so far up, his eyes closed. 

Chester smiled as he stepped into the room, trying to be quiet. He crawled onto the bed, stopping by Mike’s waist. Or where he was guessing his waist was, since all he could see was blanket. His boyfriend’s face was scrunched together, like he was purposely keeping the world out. “Sexy Boy,” Chester called softly, reaching to touch where he was guessing Mike’s stomach was. “You awake? Or having a terrible dream?” 

Mike forced his eyes open. “Hey, Ches. I’m awake.” He kept the blanket close, clutching it in his hand. He felt a lump in his throat as he looked at his boyfriend. “What time is it?” he asked, trying to sound normal, but not sure if he was coming across natural at all. 

Chester left his hand where it was, his fingers flexing open and closed gently into the blanket. “It’s a little after eight.” He took a deep breath. Mike was talking to him, and he took that as a sign that he hadn’t messed up as much as he thought. “Did you get my text last night? I, I didn’t hear back from you. We just stayed at Amir’s.”

“Yeah. I saw it.” Mike’s eyebrows furrowed a bit as he tried to work out what to say next. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t responded. It wouldn’t have taken much to just say okay, to text back _I love you_, but he hadn’t done it. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. I didn’t see it until a while after you sent it. It was late.” He pressed his lips together and stopped. Rambling typically didn’t lead anywhere good with him.

Chester nodded as he looked down at the black and red flannel blanket. “Okay. I just wanted to make sure you knew and weren’t worrying. I’m sorry,” he admitted. He wasn’t sure why it was so hard to apologize. He was an adult, and he knew what he had done was wrong, but saying the words _I’m sorry_ were tough, and they came out in a raspy tone. He cleared his throat, his fingers gripping into the blanket as he tried again. “I’m sorry about everything yesterday. It was a nice thing Jason did, and I was being selfish. I shouldn’t have yelled at him and I shouldn’t have stayed out all night.” 

Mike’s stomach sank a little more. “It’s okay,” he said softly, letting go of the blanket to reach for Chester’s hand. “I know it was shocking.” He searched his brain for something else to say, something that sounded like the Mike he’d been twelve hours ago. “At least you were somewhere safe, and not out drinking somewhere, or alone. You made a good decision.” 

Chester’s eyes narrowed. That didn’t sound like anything he was expecting from his boyfriend. Usually Mike would have been sitting up, pulling him into his arms, petting over his arms, back and hair and talking about how they need to keep communication open and staying out all night wasn’t a good thing. Not just out, but out with _Ryan_. 

But none of that had come from Mike, and Chester took it as the signal that his boyfriend was repressing whatever he was feeling. _Anger. He’s probably angry at me. If he’s mad, he should just tell me._ “I won’t do it again,” he promised as he flipped his hand over to squeeze Mike’s. “We didn’t do anything. We ate and went to Amir’s and he was already going to bed, so we did, too. We only had a few beers each.”

“It’s good Amir had room for both of you.” Mike pulled his hand back and sat up, the blanket falling into his lap. “I guess he’s still making the big bucks at Carnal Delights.” He looked at his boyfriend and wondered if he should say anything about where he slept, and if it was with Ryan or on the couch, or if he asked too many questions, if Chester would want to know what he’d done last night. The thought of telling him made him feel sick. “Did you have any breakfast this morning?” he asked instead, thinking that he probably needed to eat something before he got ready for work. “Are you working today? I probably should already be out of bed.” 

Chester sat, a little stunned as he looked into Mike’s dark eyes, which weren’t quite looking back at him. “I don’t know what Amir’s up to these days,” he whispered. “I didn’t get to talk to him. I rushed to get here when I got up.” He looked away, over toward the stairs as he listened for a moment. He could hear the shower running, and he had to assume that was Ryan, and that Jason was already gone for the day. “We’re not working,” he said, before offering to make Mike something to eat. “Anything you want.” 

Mike hung his head and looked down at the bed. None of this was going very well, and he could tell he was screwing it all up. He closed his eyes for a second and swallowed, his stomach anxious before he breathed in deeply. “Maybe just some eggs, babe. I don’t have too long.” He bit his bottom lip for a second and then looked up, reaching for Chester as he said, “I’m glad we’re okay.”

_Okay. Okay._ The word echoed in Chester’s head. Nothing felt okay. “Eggs it is,” he said as he leaned forward, intending to give his boyfriend a nice kiss - an I’m sorry kiss - but it came out short and chaste, and popped against Mike’s closed lips. Usually one kiss led to another and then another, but as Chester sat and waited, he didn’t feel the urge to give another, and it seemed Mike didn’t either. 

He slowly stood up from the bed. “How do you want them?” he asked, watching as Mike stayed where he was, the blanket curled around his bottom half. 

“Just scrambled is fine,” Mike answered, his voice distant. “I’ll be down after I get dressed. Thanks for making me breakfast.” He looked down at the blanket again. He could feel his hands shaking and it made his anxiety even worse. _He knows something is off. I have to do better than this._

“Okay,” Chester mumbled as he headed for the stairs, but he stopped, turning back towards the bed, where Mike hadn’t moved. He was staring down, like he was trying to figure something out. “Please don’t be mad at me,” Chester said with a gulp. “I’m sorry, Mike. If you’re happy about our videos being gone, then I am, too.” He paused, but only for a second. “I’ll make your eggs.” He headed down the stairs, his stomach in knots. 

Mike covered his face with his hands and closed his eyes. _I knew I couldn’t do this. It’s awful. I’m awful. The worst. Now Ches feels bad and that’s my fault._ He threw back the blanket and took two steps toward the dresser, then changed his mind and turned back, quickly making the bed. _That’s important to Ches. He likes the bed made._ He took an extra second to fluff Chester’s pillow and then got his clothes, pulling on his jeans quickly. The first flannel he touched was good enough, and he was stuffing his arms into it as he came down the stairs. He avoided looking at the bed in the corner where he’d spent last night with Jason and went straight to the kitchen, forcing away thoughts of Jason and how things were different now. Chester didn’t know they were different, and he didn’t need to. He didn’t need to know, ever, what Mike had done.

Chester was already at the stove, waiting to put his eggs in the pan. Mike stepped right behind him, putting his hands on Chester’s hips and lowering his lips to his neck, softly kissing the skin there the way he did every morning. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and his heart meant it. He knew Chester would take it as being sorry for being so cold upstairs, but he was really apologizing for his betrayal. Even if Chester didn’t know, it made him feel a little better to say the words out loud. “I… I missed you last night,” he finished, closing his eyes as he tried to work though the conflicting emotions. It felt like a lie, given that he’d spent the night with Jason. But his heart had truly missed his boyfriend. 

“It was stupid,” Chester said as he dumped Mike’s scrambled eggs into the hot pan. He leaned back against his boyfriend. “I’ll make it up to you tonight. Maybe I’ll see if Ryan will take Jay out, and we can have some privacy for a few hours.” He smiled as he thought about the possibilities. He knew Ryan was right. He was going to have to figure out where he really stood with things, how much was the side effects from his meds and how much was his own hang up from what had happened with the collar and even the handcuffs back at YRS. “What do you think, Sexy Boy?” he asked, wiggling his ass against Mike’s front. 

It was all too much to comprehend, the thought of Jason going out with Ryan and how that wasn’t supposed to bother him, and the thought of what Chester so clearly had in mind after weeks without sex. Mike struggled for a second to put his head in the correct space. “Privacy sounds great,” he said, hoping the pause between Chester’s question and his answer wasn’t too long. He pressed his fingers into Chester’s hips, remembering how Jason had told him not to do that exact thing, and leaned forward to kiss the side of his boyfriend’s face. “Text me and let me know what you two decide.” 

Chester felt a wave of relief. Whatever was wrong upstairs seemed to have faded downstairs, and he smiled. “Of course,” he chirped, turning his head to steal another quick peck from Mike’s close by lips. “These are ready.” He wiggled from Mike’s grip to get him a plate, and he watched Mike move away, off toward the refrigerator. _Okay. He’s not mad. I don’t think anyway. I’ll make it up to him. I’m going to try. I know now. I can get over this and things can be back to normal. I hope. If not, if not then that’s a bigger conversation._

“Do you want some juice?” Mike asked, pulling the orange juice out from the refrigerator. “I don’t have time for coffee. I’ll grab some on my way to the studio.”

“Juice is good,” Chester answered, just as the bathroom door opened. His eyes popped up for a second as he watched Ryan walk out, his black hair damp, and his naked chest on display as he crossed the loft in only a pair of joggers. Chester only watched for a moment before his attention was right back on Mike. Normally he would ask Ryan to join them, offering to make him eggs, but not this morning. He left Ryan alone, and walked Mike’s eggs to the table, sitting down and scooting them over in front of his boyfriend’s normal place. 

“Thanks.” Mike dropped a kiss to Chester’s hair as he sat down with their juice. He couldn’t help but watch Ryan over in the corner for a second, his heart beating quickly. _I didn’t leave anything down here. And Jay was up before me. He would have taken care of it if I had._ Mike picked up his fork and started stuffing eggs into his mouth. He could barely taste them. “You’re not eating?” he asked Chester.

Despite Mike’s always massive appetite, Chester’s was nowhere to be found. He sipped his orange juice before he shook his head. “No. I’m okay. So what did you and Jason do last night?” he asked, trying to make conversation. He knew he only had a few minutes, the way Mike was shoveling the food into his mouth, and the more they talked, the better Chester would feel. 

“We had wine. And talked,” Mike said truthfully. He just had to leave out the next hour or so after that, and the fact that he’d slept downstairs. “You know how he is with the wine.” He picked up his juice and drank half of it at once. 

“Yeah, I know,” Chester agreed, before another thought hit him. “Oh, did you guys get something to eat?” He looked toward the kitchen. “I was going to order pizzas before, well before I made a scene.” He looked back down at the table for a breath of time before looking at Mike’s plate. His eggs were gone. “You must have been starving.” 

Mike froze. He _had_ been starving, and there had been no dinner last night. “Sandwiches,” he supplied, the first item that came to his head. “Just a sandwich, yeah, I was starving. The eggs were good, Ches.” He stood up, his plate in his hand. “I need to go, I’m going to be late, especially if I’m going to stop for coffee.” He grabbed his juice with the other hand and drank it as he walked around the bar to put his plate away. _Sandwiches. God. I need to tell Jay we ate sandwiches last night._ He rolled his eyes at himself as he lined his plate and glass up correctly in the dishwasher. 

“Sandwiches are a poor excuse for dinner,” Chester protested as he stood up, feeling guilty. “I’ll make you something great tonight. Jay and Ry can go out, but I’ll make you something spectacular.” He was already thinking, pulling up his mental list of Mike’s favorite meals. He already knew he’d have to go to the store, but that was okay. He had the day off. He would take Ryan with him, and they’d shop, buying their boyfriends all their favorite things. 

“Thanks.” Mike flashed Chester a quick smile as he hurried across the room to grab his bag. “I’ll let you know when I’m on my way.” He patted his hand over his pockets, feeling for his wallet and keys, and his cell phone. “I’ll see you in a few hours,” he said, stopping in front of Chester and kissing him on the lips quickly. “Bye, babe.” 

“Have a good day,” Chester offered, fully expecting another kiss, a slap to his ass, something that screamed I-hate-that-I-have-to-leave, but it didn’t come. Instead he watched as Mike zoomed out of the apartment, like he was fleeing a burning building. “Bye,” Chester said, “I love you!” he shouted, just as the door closed. 

Chester waited a moment, staring at the closed door. He’d never seen Mike leave so fast. “Huh,” he mumbled, before he turned and looked across the loft. Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed, his one leg up on the mattress. He was still shirtless as he typed into his phone. “Is it just me, or was he acting kinda weird?” Chester asked as he crossed the room and sat down on the bed. 

Ryan looked up, catching the worry in Chester’s eyes. “We stayed out all night, Chazzy. Honestly, I’m shocked he was as calm as he was. I stayed in the bathroom an extra five minutes, worried he’d rip my head off the moment I came out here.” 

Chester smiled as he looked down at his black and red checkered pants. Mike’s aptitude toward jealousy could be frustrating, but there was a part of Chester that liked it too. It made him feel wanted, special even. “Yeah, normally he would have. Not sure what was different this morning.” He twisted to look back towards the door. _He didn’t even say he loved me. He always says he loves me when he leaves._ He shrugged his shoulders a little despondently. “Guess he’s still a little pissed at me. I would be, too. I’m going to make it up to him though. Hey,” he said, reaching out to lightly slap Ryan’s knee, “would you mind taking Jay out somewhere tonight? Give me and Sexy Boy a few hours alone?” 

Ryan’s attention shot right up from his phone. “Really?” he asked, recalling their conversation from last night. He pushed back the small amount of jealousy that was forming. He didn’t want to be a dick and admit that there was something amazing about being the only one who had been able to turn Chester on lately. The only one who was able to align his _inner kittens_. The thought that maybe things would go well with Mike tonight was a sobering one, but he pushed it aside. Chester was his friend, and he wanted him to be happy. “Sure, Chazzy. I probably owe him a night out. Let me ask him. He’s not answering me yet, but he’s probably busy. He doesn’t always get to answer right away when he’s at work.”

Ryan flashed his phone around, and Chester saw that he’d already been texting with Jason. There was a half a dozen texts Ryan had just sent in the last few minutes. “Cool. Let me know what he says. And we’re going to the store,” he informed Ryan, reaching over this time to caress his knee properly with a squeeze. “I’m making Mike dinner, and I know we need other stuff.” 

“You got it,” Ryan agreed easily. “You showering first?” 

“On my way,” Chester stated as he stood up. He stretched, lifting his arms over his head and bending his back as he yawned. “Give me twenty mintues.” 

“Will do,” Ryan answered without looking up. “I need to scarf down some food anyway. Noah didn’t bring me any breakfast tacos. Guess I’m not special like Amir.” 

Chester was already laughing as he headed for the stairs. “Not sure you want to be that kind of special to Noah.” He glanced over his shoulder, just in time to see Ryan laughing. It had been their entire conversation home - Amir and Noah and the breakfast tacos. 

Outside, Mike threw his backpack in the car and sat down with this phone already in his hand. He looked out the window before he pulled up Jason’s name and fired off a quick text.

**Mike:** _If they ask, we had sandwiches last night. I panicked and it was the first thing out of my mouth._

He dropped his phone in his lap and started the car. It vibrated almost immediately. 

**Jason:** _Got it. You need to calm down._

Mike glared at his phone and stuck it in the cup holder. _Calm down. How is he always so calm? I know I was all over the place. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough before I said something stupid. And tonight. What am I going to do tonight?_ He could feel the trembling still in his hands and he sighed. He didn’t have time to tell Jason what Chester had planned for the evening, not right now. It would have to wait until lunch, when he had time to get into it. Until then, he was going to have to do his best to block it out.

He backed out of his parking spot and tried to focus on the day ahead. _Maybe traffic will be good and I’ll have time to tell him before I get started. Jay will know what to do, he’ll have advice._ Mike felt his phone vibrate again, but he didn’t pick it up. It was going to have to wait until he got to work. 

When Mike stopped for coffee, he glanced down at his phone. The vibration had been an email, and he felt a twinge of disappointment for thinking it was Jason. He glanced at the clock. There would be time to text a little before his first lesson, so he decided to go ahead and tell his lover about his boyfriend’s plans.

**Mike:** _Ches wants to have a date night. Ryan’s going to ask you to go out._

He took his coffee from the drive through window and headed back onto the road. Red Pelican was only five more minutes down the street. Mike pulled into the parking lot and took a deep breath. He knew he wasn’t ready for what Jason was going to say. He knew before he even looked at the text what his advice was going to be. 

**Jason:** _Then that’s what we’re doing tonight. You know it has to be that way._

Mike bit his lip in frustration. _I told him I couldn’t do this. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours and I feel like I’m losing my mind!_

**Mike:** _I don’t want it to be that way. I told you that._

He looked out the windshield and waited for the return text.

**Jason:** _It’s temporary._

**Mike:** _And what if he wants to have sex, then what?_

Two minutes went by while Mike stared at his phone, waiting for the little text bubble to pop up. He felt like he was going to vomit. 

**Jason:** _Then that’s what you do. This part will be over soon, sweetheart._

Mike’s eyes stopped on the word _sweetheart._ It was the first time Jason had called him anything other than Mike or Mikey. He couldn’t stop staring at it, his fingers stilled. Another message came through.

**Jason:** _I promise. As soon as we can, it will just be me and you._

**Jason:** _Stop worrying or you’ll make me come down there, and I need to stay at work._

Mike shook his head. The last thing he needed was Jason there while he was trying to teach.

**Mike:** _Okay._ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he continued. _I’ll text you later._

**Jason:** _I’ll be waiting._

Mike leaned his head back and sighed. He had no idea how he’d keep his mind on his lessons today with everything that was happening. _If something happens with him and Ryan, I don’t want to know. God, I don’t ever want to hear them again. What a mess this has turned into._ He knew deep down that he wouldn’t be able to say no to Chester tonight, and it bothered him that he couldn’t even second guess himself. _If we were playing Never Have I Ever, I’d be drinking to the twenty-four hour question like everyone else. Well, I guess I should have anyway. That’s what I get for lying._

The thought that it had been weeks since he and Chester had been intimate entered his mind and bolstered his mood a little. Maybe he wouldn’t have to be in that position. Maybe the meds were still screwing things up. Maybe he wouldn’t have to be caught between faithfulness to Chester and faithfulness to Jason. With that last bit of hope in his mind, Mike grabbed his backpack and headed in the Red Pelican Music to start his day. 

****

Everything was just about ready. Chester had decided on spaghetti and meatballs, a meal he knew Mike loved. He’d made extra meatballs, knowing his boyfriend would be hungry when he got home, and this way he could have as many as he wanted. _He can have all of them, if he wants. And the coconut cream pie in the fridge. He’ll love that. Maybe I’ll force a piece of it down. It’s not my favorite, but I know he hates to eat pie alone._

Chester checked his watch. He knew Mike would be walking in any minute, and that meant it was showtime. He pulled his garlic bread out of the oven, and left it to cool before he would slice it up. He took his sauce and meatballs from the heat, and gave his already seasoned noodles a stir. Basil, oregano, onions and garlic hit him. It was like heaven, and he knew it would bring a smile to Mike’s face. He’d texted a little with Mike earlier, but his lover’s replies had been short with long pauses between them. _I think he’s still a little upset with me. I just hope tonight goes well. I hope I can get everything working. Everything just needs to line up._

He stopped and took a calming breath. Getting himself worked up was no way to get a sexy evening going. He needed to keep even, both with his thoughts and his body, and he reminded himself of that as he crossed around the bar for the table. He’d already set out two tall red candles, both in matching glass holders. He picked the yellow BIC lighter up and lit them with a sigh. _We haven’t done this in so long. Candlelight dinner at home. Just us._ He turned, letting his gaze drift across the loft. It was a moment of thought, the memory from the night before when Ryan had talked about moving out if and when things didn’t work out with Jason. It brought a frown to Chester’s lips. He would miss Ryan if he moved out, and he felt that as much as he thought it before he went back to the kitchen. 

_Maybe it won’t go that way. Maybe they’ll work things out. Jason’s been through so much, maybe he just needs more time. I hope they have a good night out._ It was a passing thought as he got plates down and filled them both with noodles, topped with hearty sauce and meatballs. He cut the garlic bread up, putting a piece on each plate, and then walked both to the table. The iced tea was next - sweet tea with lemon - one of Mike’s favorites. It wasn’t wine, but it was still a step up from soda or plain water, and Chester was happy with it. He put their cups on the table, and now he was ready. 

He looked down at his outfit. He’d spent an hour going through his closet and trying to pick out something that would scream romantic evening, without being over the top. In the end, he’d slid into a pair of tastefully ripped jeans and a black and blue, short sleeved flannel looking shirt. It wasn’t made of the same soft material as Mike’s true flannels, but it carried the pattern, and he was hoping his boyfriend would appreciate it just the same. It was a button up, and Chester fiddled with it, undoing the top two buttons to show off a little more of his pale skin hiding underneath before he turned off the lights and sat down at the table. 

“It’s so different,” he whispered to himself as he looked over the loft. The sun was still up, but the light outside was dim. The dying sun was hidden behind the clouds, and with the living room lights off, it left everything in shadows. The bed in the corner, the boxes and stacks of clothes that crowded the downstairs were almost obsolete. Only the table and the bar of the kitchen were covered by the candles’ glow, and Chester smiled. If you were only looking in that small space, you’d have no idea that the rest of the apartment was in shambles. _Maybe one day, things will go back to normal. Or maybe not. If Ry moves out, I don’t know what will happen. This is Jason’s place, so I guess he’d want me and Mike to go ahead and move out as planned. He’ll want the upstairs, and I can’t blame him. I’ll miss it here._ His shoulders slumped a little until the thought of location hit him. Wherever Ryan ultimately ended up, maybe he and Mike could find a place close to him. _Mike wouldn’t like that though,_ he reminded himself just before he checked his watch. He was hoping his boyfriend wouldn’t be too much longer. 

Mike’s day hadn’t been bad, just long, and he felt it in his shoulders as he stepped off the elevator. Between lessons had been a complex back and forth texting game with Chester and Jason, with him carefully checking who the message was going to twice before he hit send. He had a pretty good idea of what he was walking into, and Jason’s advice to enjoy the evening hadn’t made him less nervous. He still wasn’t sure he could do it as he unlocked the door and stepped into the apartment.

The smell of garlic bread hit him immediately. It was a favorite smell, and Mike’s stomach reacted with an impatient growl. “Ches?” he called as he walked into the darkened apartment. “Smells good in here!” 

Chester was up on his feet, crossing the space to meet his boyfriend. “Thanks,” he said with a grin. “I’m hoping it tastes just as good.” He walked right up to Mike, his arms out. He slid them around his waist and pressed a kiss to Mike’s lips - a proper kiss this time, not an awkward one like the ones from earlier. He let his eyes fall closed as he tried to get a read on Mike, hoping that whatever was askew that morning was gone now. 

Their kiss was so familiar, and Mike felt himself falling into it easily. He leaned into Chester, his hands petting over his boyfriend’s shoulders as he kissed him back. He didn’t allow any thoughts other than being happy that Chester was in a good mood. When he pulled back, the smile on his face was genuine. “I’m sure it will be great. Let me go put my stuff down and we’ll eat, okay?” 

Chester nodded as he stepped back. He sighed in relief. Mike had kissed him back, and that was more than he’d gotten before. He turned to go sit back down. “How was your day?” he asked, plopping down in his chair. 

“It was long. Which is good. Longer means more kids, which means more money.” Mike propped his backpack under his keyboard and stepped around the stairs to come back to the table. “Everyone showed up today, so I didn’t have any time to practice. But that’s okay. The day went by fast. How was yours? What did you do all day?” He pulled out his chair and sat down, grinning at his plate. “God this looks amazing. I’m starving.” 

“There’s plenty more if you want seconds,” Chester offered, taking a sip of his tea. “And I went to the store, picked things up we were low on. Got the stuff for dinner and for your favorite pie.” He paused, waiting to catch the grin on Mike’s face. “Took a shower and me and Ryan went for a run on the beach. Not in that order,” he clarified with a short laugh. 

Mike had a mouth full of spaghetti, so he nodded to buy some time before he responded. “Sounds nice. And I love pie. You know exactly how to feed me.” He stopped, for the first time thinking of how all of that would change when he was really with Jason. He tried not to let his expression change as he reached for Chester’s hand. “You’ve always been really good at that, Ches. I probably don’t say thank you enough.” He squeezed his boyfriend’s hand and sighed. “I probably don’t say a lot of things I should.”

Chester squeezed his hand back. “You don’t have to say it all the time, but it’s nice to hear now and again. Besides, I like making food for you. It’s something I’m good at.” He smiled before he let go. “It’s been kinda fun getting to cook for all of us since Ry and Jay moved in,” he offered as he twirled spaghetti around his fork. “It’s like hosting every single night. The dinner party fanatic in me will miss that when we’re no longer living together.” 

Mike’s eyes shot up to Chester’s immediately. “What?” It took him a minute to process what Chester meant, and he felt his cheeks redden. “Oh, like, when you and I move out. Right. That will be different.” He stabbed his fork into his spaghetti and came up with a meatball, shoving it into his mouth so he’d quit talking. 

“Right,” Chester agreed, ignoring what had seemed like confusion on Mike’s face. He couldn’t blame him. The back and forth between both couples over when and how their living situation would move forward had left them all in a place of not really knowing. Chester shrugged as he dragged a piece of bread through his sauce. “Or however it works out.” 

Mike didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how to respond to Chester saying “or however it works out.” His guilt made him wonder if Chester knew something, his anxiety creeping up as he tried to talk himself back down. He twirled spaghetti on his fork and tried to think. _If he knew something, we wouldn’t be sitting here calmly eating, would we? He wouldn’t have lit candles and made my favorite pie. I have to calm down or he’ll know because I’m an idiot._ He didn’t know where to take the conversation. Talking about moving out was dishonest, and he didn’t want to add anything else to the list of things he was trying to keep straight. Mike searched around his brain for a new topic, but was coming up short. “Six months has gone by pretty fast,” he finally decided, looking back at Chester. “I guess we’ll see how it goes.” 

“God, six months,” Chester mumbled as he looked down at his food. “It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, but I guess it has.” He looked up, watching as Mike ate. It crossed his mind to share what he and Ryan had talked about the night before, about Ryan feeling like his relationship with Jason wasn’t going to last. “You and Jason have gotten close,” he said, trying to ease into the conversation. “I mean, you guys talk when we’re not here, right?” 

Mike almost dropped his fork, but he recovered it. He cleared his throat nervously, then reached for his tea. “Sorry,” he croaked, taking a long drink. His heart was thundering in his chest. _He made me dinner so he could tell me he knows! Why would he do that? Why ruin good food that way?!_ Mike cleared his throat again and looked at Chester. “Sure, we talk. We all talk. You guys talk. Everyone talks. It would be weird if we didn’t, all living here together.” 

That was the weirdest answer Chester had ever heard to a simple question, and it left him staring for a minute. “I figured,” he said before he sat back. “Does he ever say anything about how things are going with Ryan?” He pulled in his bottom lip, sucking on his piercing. He knew Ryan and Mike weren’t the closest, and he didn’t want to betray Ryan’s trust, but he couldn’t help but worry. He knew it was breaking Ryan’s heart to have Jason drifting away from him, and maybe that wasn’t the case. Maybe there was something else, and maybe Mike could give some insight to that.

“No,” Mike stated flatly, shaking his head. “We don’t really talk about Ryan.” It was the truth. He couldn’t remember _ever_ talking about Ryan, actually, other than in passing. He picked up his glass again and took another drink.

“Oh,” Chester mumbled. _They don’t talk about him. Do they talk about me? That’s all me and Ry talk about when we’re together. We talk about Jay and Mike._ The thought brought a slump to Chester’s shoulders as he let the conversation go. If Mike didn’t have anything helpful to add, then there was no reason to say anything about Ryan’s doubts and worry. 

“Sorry,” Mike offered, glancing at Chester’s face. _He looks upset._ “Is something wrong?” He didn’t know what possessed him to ask. It must have been the droop in his boyfriend’s entire body, from his downturned lips to the way his shoulders had dropped. 

“It’s nothing,” Chester offered as he looked up. “Me and Ry talk about you guys a lot, so I just thought maybe you did, too. They’re going through some stuff, and I thought maybe you’d have some clue from Jason’s side. But it’s okay,” he shrugged as he picked up his tea.

“No,” Mike said quietly. “I don’t think I can help with that.” He resisted looking over in the shadowed corner of the room where the bed was. _Going through some stuff. So Ryan had an idea. It’s only a matter of time before Ches does, too. I need to tell Jason._ He scraped his fork on his plate, getting the last of his noodles together. “Let’s talk about something else,” he suggested, getting ready to take a bite. “How’s your work going?”

Chester’s eyes widened in thought and surprise. Mike hardly ever asked about work. Aside from the usual _how was your day_ generic question they both asked each other on a daily basis, Mike never wanted to know anything more. “It’s good,” Chester answered. “Forrest said LOOK magazine wants to do an interview with us. About us, whatever,” he said, not really knowing what the right wording was. “And, actually, there’s something else.” He hesitated, smoothing one finger over the rim of his glass. “We were going to wait and tell you guys together, but I guess it doesn’t matter. Ry will probably spill it to Jason tonight anyway.” He took a deep breath, knowing what he was going to say wouldn’t make his boyfriend happy. “Forrest wants to send us to San Francisco in a couple of weeks. Pride week is coming up, and there’s going to be parades and press and you know, general hoopla,” he said with a crack of a smile. “He wants us to go and represent Score Clothing. We’d have to stay there...for the whole week.”

“San Fransisco. Wow, that will be fun for you guys. A work trip,” Mike said thoughtfully. “I remember the last work trip you went on and left me here.” When Chester had gone to Hawaii with YRS, Mike was still oblivious to the reality of what he’d gotten himself into. It was a simpler time in his head. “I painted you that beach while you were gone. God, I missed you so much.” He tried to look at the painting across the apartment, but it was too dark. “It was a really long week.” 

“It was,” Chester agreed, and he hoped Mike was bringing that up because he was going to miss him, not to make him feel bad. “I missed you, too. And I’ll miss you even more this time.” He waited, chewing down a bite of spaghetti, but he was met with silence. “So, you’re okay if I go? We haven’t said yes yet.” 

Mike looked up. “Well, it’s for work, right? I mean, do you even get the option of saying no?” 

“I don’t know. Forrest asked if we would. He asked, he didn’t order us.” 

“It sounds like good exposure for you,” Mike decided, standing up with his clean plate. “That’s what modeling is all about, right? Exposure? So more people want you? I think you should go.” He hoped he sounded genuine. He really did think that it was a good opportunity, work wise, for Chester. He also knew that a month ago, even a week ago, the thought of Chester leaving for a week with Ryan wouldn’t have gone over very well. “You’ll have to call me every day. Depending on when you’re there, I could make the drive up the coast on the weekend. That might be fun, San Francisco for a day.”

Chester glanced down at his plate. He still had food left, but he wasn’t hungry anymore as he stood up. He couldn’t believe Mike was being so nonchalant about it all. “Really?” he heard himself ask, but he pushed past that. “And you should. Oh, it will be fun, Sexy Boy. If you get there on the right day, you can go to some of the events with us. We don’t have a schedule yet, but I’ll let you know. And after, we can go do some touristy things, if you want.” Chester was all smiles as he dumped his leftover food and took his plate to the sink. “We can ride the trolley or something cheesy like that.” 

“You’ll have to let me know soon so I can see if I can get a day off.” Mike wiped his hands on the dish towel, having just put his plate away, and looked at Chester. “I’m going to grab a quick shower, since you’ve already had yours. Meet you upstairs?” 

“Okay,” Chester agreed happily. The thought to offer to shower with Mike popped into his head, but he dismissed it. He needed to clean up the kitchen, and Mike was right. He’d already had his shower, and he really didn’t want shower sex. If things were finally going to happen tonight, he wanted to be in their bed. “I’m going to clean up, and then I’m all yours.” He playfully bumped his hip into Mike’s before he got started on getting stuff put away. Mike hadn’t taken seconds, and that was out of the ordinary, but Chester didn’t spend too much thought on that. Mike had easily agreed to letting him go to Pride Week, and he knew Jason wouldn’t mind either. They would go and represent Score. They’d have a hell of a good time, and Mike would even come up and join in for a day - maybe two - and that would be the best part. They could explore and enjoy a new city together. 

Mike leaned over and kissed Chester on the cheek. “Sounds like a plan,” he said, then he was on his way upstairs to grab pajamas. _I’m doing fine. I wonder what Jason and Ryan are doing. No, I don’t want to know. I’m going to stay focused on this. It’s going to be fine. Ches is happy, and that’s important. I need him to be in a good place for this to all work out._ He grabbed his clothes and was back in the bathroom before Chester had finished in the kitchen. He’d already started the water when he realized he’d left his phone on the table. _Oh well. I’ll let Jay know what Ches said later. He probably can’t answer me right now anyway._

Chester made quick work in the kitchen, putting away the leftover pasta, but ditching the bread. It was never good heated up. He wiped down the counters and blew out the candles. He flipped the lights back on so he could inspect his work. Everything looked in order, at least on this side of the loft. He glanced toward the bathroom, but he could still hear the water running. 

Chester didn’t wait. He trotted up the stairs, peeling his clothes off as he did. The brief thought that Mike had said nothing about his kind-of flannel shirt crossed his mind as he unbuttoned it, but he quickly blamed that on the dim lighting he’d set up downstairs. 

Seconds later and he was on the bed, in only his dark blue underwear. He was on top of the blankets, looking up at the ceiling, his hand lazily draped over his hidden cock. _It’s tonight. I can feel it. Mike will be up here any minute and it’s going to be good. He’s not mad at me at all and he seems so relaxed about everything. That’s what I need. I need him to be relaxed. I need to be relaxed. That’s how it’s been all these times with Ry...we’re relaxed and just talking and boom! My dick’s ready to get into it. That’s how this needs to go._

He had a plan, and as he lightly tugged and pulled on himself, hoping to get a little something going even before Mike was in bed with him, he shoved all thoughts of Ryan away. He tried to focus on his boyfriend, on his dark eyes and the longer hair he’d let grow. The way it framed his face, and how his facial hair was smooth and soft, not scruffy like Ryan’s. _Dammit._ he pushed Ryan’s face out of his mind, and went back to Mike. The way they kissed earlier, it was nice and soft. The way Mike had held his hand, and had told him how much he appreciated all the effort Chester had put into making their meal - all the meals, not just the one tonight. Mike had asked about work, and had given a very easy _yes_ to the San Francisco trip, which was a weight from Chester’s shoulders. He’d been dreading bringing that up for the last three days. Thoughts of Mike on his arm as they walked in a Pride parade came next. Maybe they’d even hold signs, the three of them. He and Ryan would have on Score clothing, but Mike could wear one of his flannels, and Chester stopped. 

He lifted his head to look down at his hand, massaging his still very limp dick. It was in that moment that he realized nothing was happening. All his thoughts of Mike weren’t having any effect on anything. _Fuck. Maybe it’s not going to happen. Why am I not feeling anything? I love him. I want him...I think. He, he’s being so nice. I want to be nice for him._ It was a crushing thought that when Mike came up those stairs, Chester wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted. 

He sniffed as he let himself go, as he turned over on his side to face the stairs. _Maybe when he’s actually up here, and we’re kissing and touching and he’s up against me, it will be different. He’s calm. He’s not acting wild, I don’t have to worry. He wants me and I want him and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t happen._ He shut his eyes, and waited, hoping that his boyfriend’s presence would make all the difference. 

Mike tossed his towel in the hamper and took one last look in the mirror, steadying himself. His shower had been quick, and he’d talked to himself the entire time. About Ches, about Jason. Wondering about Ryan and why that had even come up at dinner. Thinking about going upstairs and whether or not he’d be able to give Chester what he wanted, and if Chester’s body would cooperate. The meds, and whether that was the sole reason behind their lack of sex, or if it was something bigger. Mike was certain at this point there was something else other than the anti-depressants that had driven them apart, and he was quick to blame himself for that. 

He stepped out of the bathroom and flipped off the lights, taking a deep breath and repeating to himself, _it’s going to be fine_ while he climbed the stairs. Chester was on the bed almost naked, his eyes closed, and Mike felt the little pinch to his heart. His boyfriend looked so small, so vulnerable, and his protective nature pulled him across the space instantly. Mike climbed on the bed behind Chester and lay down close to him, his arm around Chester’s waist, and snuggled his face in close. He pushed away all the thoughts of his betrayal and focused on breathing in Chester’s scent. Mike kissed the back of his boyfriend’s neck gently. “Hey. You’re not sleeping, are you?” he asked softly. 

“No,” Chester whispered back. “Just waiting for you.” He pushed himself back a little, until he felt his body up against Mike’s. “Despite the awesome - and I mean _awesome_ \- closet space at Amir’s, I really love our room here. Our bed. It’s one of my favorite places in the whole world.” 

Mike closed his eyes. “Me too.” He wrapped his fingers around Chester’s hip and pulled him closer. “You feel nice and warm,” he mumbled, getting as close as he could to every inch of Chester’s skin before he kissed another few pecks to the back of his neck, and up around his ear. 

Chester leaned his head back, letting Mike’s lips touch as much skin as he could give. The affection was nice, and he wanted to enjoy it as long as he could. “You smell like the shower,” he laughed as he wrapped their legs together. “And I mean that in a good way. You smell clean.” 

“It would be bad if I didn’t, since I just came from there.” Mike left another kiss to Chester’s ear and then propped himself up on his elbow to look at his boyfriend’s face. For weeks he’d been hoping to be exactly where they were right now, everything warm and clean and relaxed, and for sex to come. Now he was a mess, waiting to see what would happen. He let go of Chester’s hip and ran his hand over his arm, his fingertips brushing over the tattoos there lightly. He could see the small goosebumps rise on Chester’s skin. “It’s nice being home alone,” he heard himself say, and he saw Chester’s eyes turn to him. 

“It is,” Chester agreed, his arm lifting, his hand cupping around the back of Mike’s head as he coaxed him down for a kiss. His eyes shut, and he tried not to think about it. If too much thought - too much concentration - went into what was happening, he knew it would be his own unraveling. Instead he enjoyed it, the feel of Mike’s warm lips, the clean scent of his skin, the comfort of their bodies pressed together. It felt good, and when Mike pulled back to break the kiss, Chester brought him in for another, this one shorter, but still full. 

Mike shifted a little, getting Chester completely on his back as they kissed, letting his hand wander over every bit of skin he was so familiar with. He felt along Chester’s shoulder, his fingers grazing his collarbone, then down to his small pink nipples. He let his fingers caress each one for a moment, then pulled his hand across Chester’s stomach with just enough pressure that it wasn’t ticklish. There was an unexpected hope in him that maybe things would go past kissing tonight, and even when his conscience tried to remind him that just last night he’d lay with someone else, he pushed it away. He kissed down the side of Chester’s face, then his neck, before he eased up to look his boyfriend in the eyes. 

Chester’s heart was beating fast. He could feel tingles crossing his stomach and even lower, and it was exciting. He smiled up at Mike, his fingers sliding down the side of his face, and onto his beard. “Sexy Boy,” he whimpered, his hand dropping to Mike’s neck and then his shoulder. “I want you closer.” 

It only took a little effort for Mike to get between Chester’s legs. It was something they’d done so many times he didn’t even need to think about how to get there without their knees knocking together, or him crushing Chester’s stomach. Mike just slid right into the place he’d known as his, his elbows planted on either side of Chester’s face as he curled a hand into his blonde hair and lowered another kiss to his waiting lips. It was shorter, and Mike’s breaths were anxious and shallow. There was only so much more kissing they would do before Chester either told him, no, it wasn’t happening, or he’d get a green light. It wasn’t surprising to him at all that his cock was hard and ready. He just needed a sign to keep going. 

For the first time in weeks, having Mike between his legs was a good feeling. Chester lifted his knees, propelling Mike’s hard cock up against his half-hard one. There was an instant moan, and Chester wasn’t sure if it had come from him or Mike, but it didn’t matter. Things were happening, and he could feel the arousal shooting through him. He wrapped his arms around Mike’s back, hanging onto him and bucking his hips to encourage Mike into movement. Already he could feel how hot his skin was becoming, his breathing getting a little rapid. “God, it feels good,” he whispered, his lips next to Mike’s ear, and he kissed him there, over and over. 

Mike’s mouth dropped open as Chester kissed his ear, then back up behind it in his favorite spot. He pushed his hips down, and it felt good to have Chester respond. It had been so long since he’d felt _anything_ like passion coming off his boyfriend. “Ches,” he whispered between pants, “take off my shirt, please. Let’s get naked.” He was far past the point of thinking with his brain. His body was needy, and he kept telling himself, it had been so long since they’d been naked together. 

Without meaning to, a giggle popped from Chester’s mouth. “You don’t have to ask me twice,” he said, his face beaming as he kissed Mike one last time. “Let me up and we’ll strip it all off.” He wiggled his eyebrows, his thoughts already moving forward to what was about to happen. 

Mike pulled back, and Chester slipped out from under him. He wiggled out of his underwear, being sure to be careful of his erection in progress - and he had to stop to look at it for a second, making his smile double - before he turned over, and got up on his hands and knees. Mike was still on the bed, like he was stunned. “Now, let me take this off,” Chester said, crawling toward him and grabbing for his t-shirt. He pulled it up over Mike’s head and tossed it across the room. “I love you,” he whispered as he kissed his naked shoulder. 

“Oh, Ches… I love you too.” Mike heard his own voice, thick and emotional, and he closed his eyes as guilt hit him square in the chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe as he tried to get ahold of himself and not ruin a good moment between them. He’d seen Chester’s smile, and he knew they had been working on this moment ever since Chester started therapy - and he’d ruined it all last night. His arms went right around Chester’s waist and he pulled him in close, lining Chester’s naked body up with his, still half clothed. Mike held him tightly for a second, trying to get the sick feeling out of his stomach. 

Chester looked over his shoulder as he wiggled his ass a little. “Feels like it’s been a million years since we did this.” He smiled, but it faded a little as Mike didn’t look back at him. It was a second of hesitation, and the mirth dropped from Chester’s expression completely. “Mike? Are you okay?” 

Mike took a deep breath and pushed a faint smile. “I just, I want to be sure this is what you want. You’re not just doing it for me.” He scolded himself as he kissed Chester’s shoulder gently. “And, well… I don’t want to do it like this. I want to be able to kiss you.” He swallowed hard, thinking that if he was able to go through with this, it might be the last time they ever had sex. He didn’t know if he’d be able to put them both through this again, and if he was going to do it, he was going to do it right. Gently. With lots of kisses and tender touches to make up for all the times he’d been out of control. He didn’t trust himself to do that with Chester on all fours. 

“I do want to,” Chester assured him as he pulled away, and carefully turned around. “But…” he wasn’t sure what to think. Mike had been the one to pull him into their normal position only seconds ago, and now he wanted something else. Chester couldn’t quite place the emotion coming off of his boyfriend, but if he had to tag it as something, it probably would have been sadness. “I want us to kiss, too,” he said, trying his hardest to figure out what was happening. Every other time they’d tried to be intimate over the last several weeks, Mike was all in. He was coaxing and petting, and the loving words never stopped, but tonight wasn’t like that. “If something’s wrong,” Chester said, reaching out to touch Mike’s arm, “we don’t have to do this tonight.”

Mike closed his eyes again, shutting out Chester’s concerned look. “I, I don’t know what’s wrong,” he said in a rush. “I’m sorry, I know it’s been forever, and everything is aligning tonight, but I just, I can’t. My head’s not in it, Ches, and that’s not fair to you.” He dropped his chin and squeezed his eyes tightly. Turning his boyfriend down when they’d been trying for weeks was awful, but he knew going through with it after he’d slept with Jason was flat wrong. He couldn’t do it, and it was because he loved Chester that he couldn’t, despite what his body was telling him. “I’m sorry,” he said again, and all of the air went out of his body as his whole being deflated. 

Chester felt his jaw shaking as he pulled his hand slowly away. “Oh,” he whispered. He wasn’t sure what Mike meant by his _head not being in it_ but whatever it was, it was serious for Mike to turn down sex. Not just sex, but the closeness they’d both been craving for weeks. “It’s okay,” Chester made sure to say. He looked down, and already his body was on its way to giving up. Not that it mattered. Not now. He scooted over to the side of the bed, and leaned forward, gathering his underwear from the floor. He pulled them on before he sat back on the bed, pulling both legs up and wrapping his arms around them. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, hoping his boyfriend would open up about whatever it was that had put up such a roadblock between them. _Damn. Of all nights...but I knew something was wrong. Something’s been wrong since this morning. It must be something huge._

Mike shook his head. “I’m sorry I ruined our evening.” He could barely look at Chester right now, but he forced himself to try. “I just, I guess I have a lot of stuff on my mind. Moving out, and money, work, and your therapy, it’s just a lot.” He wanted to stop talking but he felt like he owed Chester some kind of explanation. “I know that’s not a good excuse. Maybe, maybe we can lay together. I know we’ve done a lot of that lately, but I just want to hold you, Ches. Can you let me do that?” He raised pleading eyes to his boyfriend, hoping he would just let the cause of him stopping them from making a big mistake go. 

Chester nodded. “If that’s what you want,” he said, looking down at himself. A million thoughts crashed over his mind, reasons why Mike would turn him down. Money and bills and moving out, they were all things that had been going on for months, it had never stopped Mike before. “I’ll get your shirt,” he said as he stood up and walked around the bed. He scooped it from the floor and lightly tossed it onto the bed before he went to his closet. He opened the double doors and picked the first shirt he saw from the hanger, a simple yellow t-shirt with a skull and crossbones on the front. He tugged it over his head, and closed the closet before crossing back to the bed. 

Mike had already stood up to pull the blankets back, his t-shirt back in place. He watched Chester get into bed, and he got in after him, his heart bleeding sadness. He bit down on his bottom lip, then scooted up close to Chester, carefully putting an arm around his waist. He wanted to say he was sorry for everything. Every jealous word or possessive argument, every time he’d been too harsh or too rough or just not a good person. He wanted to confess his sins and let Chester judge him - rightfully so - and he wanted to ask forgiveness for all that he’d done wrong in their relationship, things he could only see clearly now after he’d decided to let it all go last night.

But he didn’t say anything. Mike pressed his face into the warm, comforting spot on Chester’s neck where he’d done the same thing hundreds of times, and closed his eyes. He tried to match his breathing with Chester’s just to get his pulse to calm down.

Whatever was really going on with Mike, it was clear he wasn’t going to talk about it, and Chester closed his eyes in acceptance of that. He could only hope that maybe his boyfriend would want to talk tomorrow, that maybe some sort of normalcy would return with the sunlight of a new day. He let out a hard sigh, his heart heavy and his body tired. “Good night, Mike,” he whispered, doing his best to keep the tremble from his voice. 

“Night, Ches… I love you,” Mike whispered, knowing he wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon. He kept telling himself he’d done the right thing, but it didn’t feel like it in the moment. _If I’d really done the right thing, I’d have broken up with him first. Now I’m in this nightmare, and he feels worse right now than he would have if I’d just been honest._ A little bubble of resentment popped up when he thought of how convincing Jason had been last night, and how easily he’d agreed that having an affair was the best thing to do right now. _We need to talk. And I have no idea when we’ll have a chance. I don’t know what to do now._ Mike wanted Jason to have answers, but he was afraid the only answer he would get is to just go through the motions for awhile, and Mike’s heart couldn’t take it.

He didn’t know how long he lay with his arm around his boyfriend, listening as his breathing slowed and he dropped off into sleep, but it was long enough that the sound of Ryan and Jason coming home didn’t even cause Chester to stir. Mike held still, listening, his heart pounding as sounds traveled upstairs. Muffled words, laughter, and then what sounded like kisses, the rustling of clothing, and bodies hitting the bed in the corner. Mike squeezed his eyes shut as his stomach felt sick again. _No, no, no! He can’t, I can’t listen to it, please, please, Jay, don’t let him fuck you. Not tonight. Not while I can hear it._

Mike’s fingers pressed into Chester’s skin as he tried to get as close as possible. He tried to focus on Chester’s breathing, to block it all out, but when the unmistakable sound of the headboard hitting the wall caught his ears, Mike let go, rolling on his side and pulling his pillow over his head. All he could do was hope it would be fast, and that he wouldn’t vomit off the side of the bed into the small trash can. He wrapped his arms around his body and tried to hold back the tears, but they fell anyway. Tears for what he’d lost with Chester, and what he didn’t truly have with Jason. It was in that moment he realized he’d allowed himself to become the other man. 

****  
TBC


	22. Breakdown

Chester sat on the downstairs bed, his legs hanging off the side. He stared at the floor, or what he could see of the floor, around the clutter that lived everywhere in the loft. After a hard night with Mike, the romantic evening that had turned into one awkward disappointment, he wasn’t sure what to do. He had woken up first, and had snuck around the room, trying to be quiet as he pulled his ripped jeans back on and headed downstairs. He’d started coffee, and then sat at the table, watching as all three of his roommates started to get up. When Mike appeared, barely anything was said between the two of them, aside from normal morning greetings and generic talk of running late and seeing each other later. 

_I don’t know what happened. Why didn’t he want me?_ Chester dropped his head, his hand going into his curly blonde hair. He pulled at it, and the thought to cut it suddenly hit. It was starting to get shaggy and annoying, and that meant it was time for a change. 

He slid from the bed, and headed for the bathroom. 

Ryan was in the kitchen, pouring another glass of orange juice. “We have that conference call with Forrest in an hour,” he called, reminding Chester of their one and only work obligation for the day. He watched as Chester raised his hand, but didn’t say anything - a silent signal that he knew. 

Ryan let out a long breath before he tossed the empty orange juice container in the trash. Jason and Mike had already left, and he and Chester were finally alone. They had things to talk about, and as Ryan checked the time, he was growing anxious. He was beyond curious to hear how Chester’s night had gone, even though he could tell just by the other man’s appearance and downtrodden mood that things probably didn’t go well. 

He sipped his juice as he crossed the loft, and sat down on the edge of the bed, right where Chester had been sitting a few moments ago. _My night was a doozy. Maybe I’m being paranoid._ It was a new thought, that what he’d seen and heard last night from Jason was wrong, and just something he’d made up in his mind. He cupped his hand over his mouth, just as he heard a buzzing sound coming from the bathroom. He straightened up, his head cocked as he listened. It only took a few seconds for him to recognize the sound of the electric shavers. 

“Chaz?” he called, as he sat his juice on the end table and headed toward the bathroom. “Chazzy?” He got to the door, the sound distinct now, and Ryan grabbed for the handle to open the door, but it was locked. “Shit! Chester!” he yelled, pounding on the door. “Chester! What are you doing?!” 

Ryan could hear his heart drumming in his ears as he shut his eyes and leaned closer to the door, his hand still on the knob. “Chaz!” he called one last time. “Chaz, let me in!” 

He waited, his mind scrambling through what he knew was going on behind the locked door. He was shut out, not only from the bathroom, but Chester had locked him out of whatever meltdown was happening. _Fuck. Fuck!_ Ryan leaned against the door, listening as the shavers went, as images of Chester’s blonde curls dropping into the sink flipped across his mind. 

It was minutes before Ryan finally heard silence fill the space, and the lock on the door released. It opened slowly, and the first thing Ryan saw was Chester’s sad face and red eyes. “Chaz,” he whispered, before he took in the full scope. The sides of Chester’s head were shaved down almost to the skin, but he’d left a thin strip of blonde curls, a tiny mohawk. “Why?” Ryan asked as he reached to touch it, and Chester let him. Ryan’s hand started on his head, but soon he was pulling him into a hug. 

“I don’t know,” Chester cried into Ryan’s dark t-shirt. “He didn’t want me, Ry. Last night, he didn’t want me. He always loved my mohawk.” 

Ryan’s heart cracked. “No, Chaz,” he whispered, his arms wrapping Chester up a little tighter. “Don’t ever do that for someone else. If he doesn’t want you for you, then nothing will ever change that. Not even your hair.” He felt something sick sink into his stomach as he pictured Mike’s face, and his mouth that never stopped. The mouth that had obviously hurt Chester last night. 

Ryan let go, and tried to see Chester’s face. “Hey,” he called softly, trying to get him to look up. “Let me see.” 

Chester looked up as he wiped his eyes and his nose with a sniff. “Does it look awful?” 

Ryan shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “You’re always beautiful, Chester, no matter what your hair looks like. You know that, right?” 

Chester shut his eyes, his hand going over his itchy scalp. “Mike doesn’t think so.” 

“Then fuck him. He’s a blind bastard.” Ryan leaned forward and kissed Chester on the forehead. “Come on, let’s get you washed off.” He led the way back into the bathroom, and he frowned at the sight of Chester’s golden curls lying lifeless in the sink. “I’ll clean this up. Sit down.” He nodded toward the toilet, and Chester sank down on the seat. Ryan left and came back a minute later with a roll of paper towels. “You want to tell me about it?” he asked gently as he scooped the hair from the sink and tossed it in the trash can. 

“I made us dinner. I lit candles and everything. I wanted it to be perfect. He came in and we ate and it was weird. You know when he and Jay talk, they don’t talk about us?” he asked, turning to watch Ryan shake his head. “Well, they don’t. Not like us. We talk about them all the time, but I guess we’re never part of their conversations. So what the hell are they talking about all the time?” He knew he sounded whiney, and he hated that, so he pressed on before Ryan could answer. “I told him about San Francisco. He didn’t even care.” 

Ryan stopped his cleaning. “You told him and he didn’t care?” 

“Last night I took it as he was being relaxed about it, like it was a good thing, but thinking back...he just didn’t fuckin’ care, Ry. He told me to go, to have fun. He said he might drive up one day to see me, but I don’t think he meant that.” 

Ryan pulled his eyes off Chester to look down at the sink. The hair was gone, and now he was spraying cleaner on the countertop to give it a good scrub. “I told Jay last night too. He doesn’t mind either, but I knew he wouldn’t. But Mike, wow. That’s so...not Mike-like.” 

“So then we were upstairs,” Chester continued with a deep huff as he sat up straight. “And things were actually going okay. I, I was feeling something. And he was into it. Or I thought he was. He was fucking hard, and ready to go. And all the sudden he stopped. And he had this look on his face, like, like he couldn’t stand being there with me.” 

Ryan dropped his paper towel. “What the fuck? You mean, you were going to be able to and he...said no?”

Chester nodded. “At first he was like, well, I just want to make sure _you_ want this, and I told him I did, and then he said he couldn’t do it. That his head wasn’t in it. He blamed it on the bills and worrying over money and where we’re going to move to and my therapy,” he said, a hitch in his voice as he touched his chest, his fingers pressing against his yellow t-shirt. “And it’s like, what does that even mean? All those things have been going on for months and it’s never been a problem before. Not in our bedroom.” 

He let out a long sigh, his head dropping. “He just didn’t want me...and I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ve said no for the last month and a half. Maybe I’m just too little too late.” Tears fell from Chester’s eyes as he covered his face. “I knew it, Ry. I knew he was holding it against me.” 

Ryan pursed his lips. Instinct told him to get on his knees. To pull Chester into his arms, but his logical mind was still in control. He took a handful of the paper towels and wadded them up before soaking them down with cool water. He wrung them out, and walked over to Chester. “Hey, hold still,” he whispered. “I’m going to wipe away the loose hairs.” There was no resistance. Chester lifted his head, and Ryan wiped everywhere he could, pulling away the blonde leftovers. It wasn’t as efficient as washing Chester’s head in the sink, but it would do for now. 

He tossed the wet paper towels away, and reached for Chester’s hand. “Come on,” he called gently, and he was relieved when Chester stood up. They walked back out into the loft, and sat down on the bed together, and Ryan finally wrapped his arms around his friend. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “God, Chazzy, I’m sorry.” 

Chester leaned his head against Ryan’s chest, one arm wrapped around his back. “He didn’t eat his pie,” he cried. 

Ryan’s hand was running up and down Chester’s back. “What pie?” 

“I made him his favorite pie yesterday, remember?” 

“Right,” Ryan agreed as he recalled Chester working on the coconut cream monstrosity. He’d been told he wasn’t allowed to have any until Mike had his fill, so Ryan had put it out of his mind. “He didn’t like it?” 

“He didn’t even try it. He always eats pie. There have been so many times when he’s actually skipped dinner proper just to have pie first. He didn’t even look at it last night. He wolfed down his food and then went to the shower before he came upstairs and, well, you know what happened.” He shut his eyes and dug his face further into Ryan’s shirt. “I don’t know what to do. How to fix whatever I did. He didn’t even want to talk to me...he could barely look me in the eyes last night while we were upstairs. He’s never done that, Ry. He’s never been like that.” 

Ryan kissed the top of Chester’s newly formed mohawk. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Maybe when he comes home tonight he’ll want to talk. If something’s that wrong, you guys can’t keep going like this.” Ryan had always tried to be careful when he spoke about Mike, especially if it was something negative. He knew Chester loved him, and he respected that relationship, even when he knew his friend wasn’t being treated right. But this was different. Whatever was going on in Mike’s head, whatever was making him act like a superdick to Chester, it needed to stop. 

“Maybe,” Chester mumbled as he sat up and wiped his face with his shirttail. He took a few deep breaths. “Look what I did to your shirt,” he mumbled as he reached over to touch the wet spot on Ryan’s chest.

“It doesn’t matter,” Ryan whispered as he caught Chester’s hand and kissed it. “How about some water?” he asked, and Chester nodded. “Stay here.” He kissed his hand again before he let it go. He crossed the room, knowing Chester would be following behind him anyway. “Hope we didn’t wake you up when we came in.” 

Chester stopped at the bar, leaning against it. “No, I was asleep. How did it go?” He asked, and the change of subject actually felt like a relief as he watched Ryan get down a glass and fill it with ice and then water from the door of the refrigerator. 

Ryan sat the water on the bar as he stayed opposite Chester, his hands on the counter. “Dinner was good. Then we drove out to Hollywood and cruised around and talked. At first I thought it was going really well. Talking about us and the future and plans. I told him about Pride Week, and he seemed excited for us to get to go. Real supportive. Probably too supportive.” Ryan dropped his eyes. 

Chester didn’t miss that sign. “What do you mean by too supportive?” he asked as he sipped his water, the cold liquid calming down his insides. 

Ryan shrugged. “He was too nice about it. I know that sounds weird, but...I’ve heard him talk like that before. With Mark.” Ryan stopped his eyes going up to the ceiling and the industrial looking light over their heads. “After we started dating, he got this...like, sickening sweet tone he’d use around Mark. Especially towards the end. Mark could have asked him to shovel shit, and Jay would sound thrilled to go do it.” He stopped for a second, his shoulders sagging. “That’s how he sounded with me last night.” 

Chester gasped softly. “That’s not good,” he said, knowing his comment was an understatement. “So he was just trying to...what do they call that?” he asked as he scratched the back of his head. “Placate you. Or pacify you. Or something.” 

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, either of those things.” He let out a large exhale as he dropped down, his elbows on the counter and his head in his hands as he stared at Chester’s water glass on the bar. “I knew things were headed south, but I thought it was our differences coming out. Now I think maybe it’s more than that. Like maybe there’s someone else.” 

“No. Ry, he wouldn’t do that,” Chester defended as he thought about Jason and in relation, Mark. “He wouldn’t. Mark always had people on the side, and Jason hated that. He wouldn’t turn around and do that to you. How fucked up would that be?” 

“I know,” Ryan whispered closing his eyes. “We had sex when we came in last night,” he admitted. “He’s actually the one who started it. But that’s all it was. Just sex. It’s never been like that between us. Even when we were rushing things at YRS so we wouldn’t get caught, there was fire between us, you know?” He looked up and watched as Chester nodded. “We didn’t have that last night. It was more like obligation. Or like what you said, to pacify me.”

“Ry, that sucks,” Chester whispered. “But, but Jay wouldn’t cheat. It’s probably like you said the other night, it’s just a matter of time before you guys end up apart. Sad as that is. I know you love him.” 

“I do,” Ryan said before he stood up. “I can’t think about this anymore, Chazzy, not right now. It just makes me sad.” He looked from his friend, to around the apartment, at the neatly made bed in the corner, and the piles of things. “At least I have somewhere to go if I need it. We,” he corrected, meeting Chester’s eyes. “We have somewhere we can go.” 

“Yeah. Amir would love that. Both of us crashing at his place.” Chester snorted with a smile, the first smile he’d been able to pull all morning. “You can have the spare room, I’ll take the closet.” 

“Don’t even,” Ryan laughed. “If you separate it like that, Amir will probably try to charge us for two rooms instead of one.” He watched as Chester scoffed, as they both chuckled about it before Ryan suggested they eat. “I know you didn’t eat this morning and I haven’t either. Go sit down, I’ll make you something.” He walked over to the refrigerator and opened the double doors. He scanned the shelves of Chester’s meticulously kept inventory of milk, cheeses, meats, vegetables, and condiments. And the pie, which was completely untouched, just like Chester had said. It took a minute before Ryan finally admitted to himself that he had no idea what he was doing. His skill levels in the kitchen weren’t much. “How about cereal?” he suggested, knowing that was something he could pull off. “Or peanut butter toast?” 

Chester smiled as he walked around the bar. He stood next to Ryan, lacing his arm around his back as he kissed his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll make us some french toast. I’m in the mood for syrup.” 

“A sugar high before our conference call. I like it,” Ryan agreed before he stepped back and out of the way. It was good Chester was going to cook, and even better that he was going to eat something. Despite his meltdown earlier, Chester working in the kitchen meant he was on his way back to a stable place. “I vote we do nothing the rest of the day,” Ryan suggested as he headed across the loft to get his glass of juice. “After we talk to Forrest, we should just be slugs. We can finish our game we started last week and watch movies. Order pizza for lunch. Pizza just for us,” he made sure to emphasize. “And we’ll figure all this shit out. Maybe I’ll give Amir a call,” he added, looking down at the dark blue blanket of the bed he shared with Jason. “You know,” he mumbled to himself, “just to give him a heads up.” 

****

Jason let out a breath as he put his Jaguar in park next to Mike’s car. Mike wasn’t expecting him, and he wondered briefly if going into the studio was crossing some sort of line. He checked the clock on the dash; it was four minutes until twelve-thirty, which was when Mike had lunch on Fridays. All he wanted was a few minutes to check and make sure everything was okay. It bothered him that Mike hadn’t even looked at him this morning.

_He barely said anything. To Chaz, even. He’s going to have to do better than that if we’re going to be able to keep this up._ He grabbed his phone and his wallet from the console and got out of the car, sunglasses still on. It would be his first time seeing were Mike worked, and he had no idea what to expect when he walked in to Red Pelican Music.

The front area was smaller than he was expecting, just a short counter where an older woman with graying hair was sitting, and a row of chairs along the perimeter of the rectangular room that he assumed was waiting space. He let the door close behind him, a little jingle accompanying it, and stepped to the receptionist while he took off his sunglasses. Jason smiled charmingly when she looked up, a kind and easy going look about her plain features.

“Good afternoon,” Jason started, pulling out all his most refined manners. “My name is Jason Wakefield. I’m looking for Mike Shinoda.”

The receptionist nodded and clicked a few buttons on her computer before she looked back at Jason. “I’m sorry, Mr. Wakefield, but Mr. Shinoda is still in a lesson. Do you have an appointment?”

Jason shook his head. “I’ve been trying to reach him today on his cell, but he hasn’t answered. I assumed he had a full schedule.” He paused, waiting for the receptionist to offer to get Mike for him when his lesson was over, or at the very least let him know that Jason was waiting in the front. When nothing was offered, he prompted, “would you mind letting him know I’m here?”

“When his lesson is over, I’ll let him know. You’re welcome to wait here,” the woman offered.

Jason nodded and went to sit in one of the chairs. There was a door in front of him that led into a hallway, and he could see many doors off of that hallway. _Practice rooms,_ Jason thought he recalled Mike saying. _Where the pianos are. And other things. I think they have other instrument lessons here, too._ He looked down at his phone and crossed his ankle over one knee, being careful not to wrinkle his dark blue pants. He tapped around for a minute, then the door in front of him opened and a small blonde girl he figured might be eight or ten, with a woman he presumed was her mother, walked out with Mike right behind them. 

Mike’s eyes met Jason’s and his stomach took a nervous turn. _What’s he doing here? He’s going to tell me that he made a mistake. That he’s going to stay with Ryan, and I’m going to have to figure it out on my own. This morning was awkward. Ches is crushed, and I don’t know how to make things better. And here’s Jay._ He said goodbye to his student and her mother, and was about to say something to Jason, when Mrs. Hawthorne stepped in front of him.

“Mr. Shinoda, Jason Wakefield is here to see you,” she said, patting her hair. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Hawthorne. I’m going to step out for my lunch, you can have my next student go on back to my room when she gets here.” 

Mike looked at Jason, and then at the door, and Jason got the hint. He stood up, straightening his blue and green striped tie over his white shirt, and followed Mike out. Mike was already halfway to the Jaguar when he spun around suddenly, his face contorted with pain. “Mike, don’t say anything,” Jason cautioned hurriedly, looking around the parking lot. “Not here. Get in the car.” He watched Mike follow directions and he quickly stepped around to open the door so Mike could get in the passenger seat. As soon as Jason rounded the car and sat down, Mike was ready.

“I heard you last night,” he said slowly, his eyes straight ahead on the dash. “You couldn’t at least have had the decency to do that somewhere else?” Mike’s hands were sweaty and he rubbed them on his jeans, trying to make them feel more comfortable.

Jason sighed. “Is that what was wrong this morning?” he asked. “Mike, you knew that was a possibility. I mean, we talked about it yesterday.”

“I know,” Mike bit out in frustration. “I just didn’t think I was going to have to hear it. I thought I could just ignore it, like it didn’t happen. Not knowing for sure would have been a lot better, I… I told you, I’m not made this way, Jay. I don’t think I can do this.”

“What?” Jason said, feeling his stomach sink a little. “But you did the same thing. We both knew-”

“I didn’t,” Mike said flatly. “I couldn’t. I know you said to keep everything normal, and that sounds fine on the surface, Jay, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have sex with Ches knowing what I’d done. Not when he doesn’t know. Not when he’s in love and I’m supposed to be. I love him too much to do that. So I didn’t. And now he’s hurting, and I don’t know what to do. I thought I was doing the right thing, and then you come in and let _Ryan_ fuck you right there in the bed we shared together. How could you, Jay? How could you be okay with that?” Mike tried to keep his tears in check. He didn’t want to go back to work a complete wreck, but he was emotional. 

Jason reached over and took one of Mike’s hands, even though Mike wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Mikey, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I know you aren’t like that, I’m sorry I thought for a second you could be. That’s part of what made me fall for you, you’re not screwed up like us. You can’t just turn it off, you never had to do that. I don’t know how to fix things with Chaz, but we’ll figure out something. It would be complicated if things go bad with both of them at the same time.”

There was a long pause. “I don’t want to be kept on the side, Jay,” Mike said softly. He felt Jason’s fingers grip him tighter and he finally looked up to see Jason staring at him.

“Two nights ago you were fine with how this was going to go. I made love to you and you said you didn’t have any regrets. Now all I’m getting from you is regret.” Jason pulled back a little and tried to figure out where the conversation was headed. “What did you think an affair would be like? Everything was just going to be easy? Are you ready to break up with Chaz? Do you think now is a good time?”

Mike shrugged both shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t know how it could be worse than lying to him.” He looked Jason straight in the eyes. “He was ready last night. It’s the closest we’ve been in weeks to having sex, and I pulled away. He knows something is wrong. He’s not stupid.”

“I didn’t say he was stupid,” Jason shot back instantly. “This is a dangerous game we’re playing, Mike. _We_, we’re in this together. I thought that was what you wanted. I thought we were on the same page.

“I _do_ want you!” Mike cried, his voice trembling. “But how do I know what you want when you’re still having sex with someone else? Don’t you care at all, what you’re doing? You and Ryan were together long before I met Ches. You’re still wearing his _promise ring,_ Jay. I was there. I heard the promises you made.”

“Don’t talk to me about promise rings,” Jason spat, holding up Mike’s hand. Both of their eyes went to the bracelet Chester had given him on the same night. “We’re both holding on to things, Mike. If you’re not ready to let go of Chester, if you can’t see that he and Ryan need to be together, then we’ve made a mistake.” He dropped Mike’s hand then, almost throwing it back at him.

Mike’s heart shot up into his throat in a panic. “Stop, I know you don’t mean that.” He brought both of his hands up to cover his ears like a small child who didn’t want to hear something. “I don’t want to fight with you, Jay, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I thought I was doing, but I know I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I know what we did wasn’t a mistake.” He closed his eyes, his hands pressed over his ears. “I’m not good at lying, I never have been. And now you’re asking me to lie to Chester every second that I don’t tell him we slept together. I thought I was going to be sick last night.”

Jason covered his mouth with his hand. He didn’t want to fight either. None of this was going the way he expected. It had been easier when he was in the middle of Mark and Ryan. Knowing that Mark wasn’t faithful made it easy to do the same, but this was entirely different. He was asking Mike, the same Mike that had come to YRS for the sole purpose of keeping his own boyfriend faithful, to turn around and cheat. It was complicated and even though Mike had been all in two nights ago, Jason knew he was having doubts. _Me losing it isn’t going to help anything. It’s hard right now, but I still feel like it’s the best way. He has to understand that. We can’t just leave together. It has to be in steps._

“What?” Mike whispered, lowering his hands from his ears and watching Jason. It was clear the other man was thinking through something, and Mike was desperate to know what it was. 

“I’m sorry,” Jason said, lowering his hand and wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m sorry I asked you to just go along with whatever Chaz wanted. That was wrong of me. I know you aren’t like that, and I was trying to force you to do something you didn’t want to do. I don’t want to be like that, Mike, anymore than I want you to see me as a possession.” He stopped and looked out the windshield. “They’re going to San Francisco for work in a few weeks. We’ll go look for an apartment while they’re gone, okay? Something in the city, something close to USC for you, and when they get back, we’ll move you out. Do you think you can make it two weeks?”

Mike sat in the passenger seat, stunned. “That’s your solution?” he whispered.

“That’s my solution. I don’t want you to question me, or how I feel about you, Mike. I didn’t just decide overnight that I wanted you. It happened over months and I _know_ the timing is awful, I _know_ that.” Jason reached over and gently brushed Mike’s bangs away from his eyes. “I can’t change the circumstances, but I can show you I’m serious about us. Let’s go find a place together, and then you can go ahead and break up with him. He’ll still have Ry at the loft, so it will be fine. And I’ll join you as soon as I can.” Jason smoothed his fingers over Mike’s cheek. “What do you think?”

“Two weeks is so long,” Mike whined softly. “I know you’re right about Ryan and keeping things normal with him at least, but I can’t bear to hear it, Jay. Please don’t do that again, not with me there.” He looked at Jason, blinking back the tears that had been threatening since they sat down in the car.

_There’s those big pleading eyes he always used on Chaz. Damn. No wonder he always gets what he wants._ Jason leaned over the console and pulled Mike to him, letting their lips come together in a soft kiss. “Okay, sweetheart,” he whispered, moving his lips to kiss Mike’s cheek. “Now, you just need to try to keep things neutral with Chaz, and it will be fine. I know it will be hard, but you can do it. Just think. Two weeks, Mikey. You can make it two weeks.”

Mike nodded, his heart still aching with what he’d denied Chester. What he’d stopped, when he was capable of more. _It would have been worse though in the long run. I know I did the right thing._ “I need to go eat, my lunch is almost over,” he said, pulling back from Jason’s grip.

“I’m sorry to take up your time, I just knew we needed to talk, and I didn’t know when else we’d get the opportunity.” Jason sat back in his seat properly. “I need to get back to work, too. I’ve got a meeting this afternoon with my boss, I don’t want to be late. I don’t even know what it’s about.” He looked out at the traffic in front of him. “I’ll see you at home, and we’ll get through it together. Just think back and act natural.”

“Right. Okay. I’ll see you tonight.” Mike paused with his hand on the door handle. “Ryan will take care of him, right?” he asked, his focus still on the hurt he was going to cause Chester, and the pain he’d already inflicted.

“He’ll be there for him. And that might be all it takes for Ryan to realize he’s in love with Chaz.” _And maybe, he always has been._ Jason didn’t say that out loud, he didn’t want Mike any more upset that he already was. “Go on, before you’re out of time.” He watched Mike get out of the car and shoot him a lingering gaze before he walked back across the parking lot and disappeared inside Red Pelican Music.

Jason sighed and backed the car out, turning his radio up loud. _Two weeks, then he can stop feeling like he’s a terrible person._ He put his eyes on the road and started planning for his meeting, for going home, and for apartment hunting. Somehow, despite talking things through, he had a lot more on his mind than he had before he’d met up with Mike._Two weeks, just two more weeks._

**** 

Chester was on his stomach, his head resting on his arms as he laid across the bed downstairs. The television was on, the movie he and Ryan had been watching was almost over. Chester’s eyes were fading between open and closed as Ryan laid next to him, in a similar position. They’d truly been slugs all day, doing little more than eating and lounging. Chester had managed to take a shower, to scrub his head with soap and water properly, and now he was in his mopey outfit for the night, a baggy pair of tan cargo shorts he had trouble keeping up and an oversized white long sleeved shirt. Nothing fit right, and he didn’t care. All the extra space inside his clothes was comforting somehow as he shut his eyes and listened to the voices on the movie. Ryan was close enough that Chester could feel him - his arm, his leg, the barely there hint of body heat and contact.

There was only a slight concept of time as Chester tried to think of something other than Mike coming home. He had no idea what he was going to say to him, or if Mike would even hold a conversation with him. _Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe he’ll come in and want to eat and go to bed. I can stay down here if he doesn’t want me up there._ The thought was sharp, and Chester squeezed his eyes shut a little tighter, his stomach feeling uneasy. 

Ryan wasn’t really watching the movie either as he laid next to Chester in solidarity more than anything else. He’d texted briefly with Jason throughout the day, but it had been meaningless conversation that had gone nowhere. He didn’t want to talk about Chester with Jason over text, it felt too big to do that. They were on good terms, even if they had some issues they were working through, and so the idea of his boyfriend coming home wasn’t a bad one. He’d be happy to see him. Jason was a pillar of calm, most of the time, and that was nice to have around, especially when things could so easily go out of control. 

Jason was steps away from opening the loft door. Despite the tense meeting with Mike at lunchtime, it had been a good day. _Not a good day, an excellent day. An excellent afternoon. I can’t wait to talk about it!_ His steps were light and his body excited, and the last thing he expected to walk into was the somber atmosphere of the loft.

He set his computer bag down on the table and took the few steps to stand behind the couch. “Hey,” he greeted Ryan, and Chester who was laying in his spot on the bed. “You two look… comfortable.” 

Ryan picked his head up first, twisting around to see Jason standing just on the other side of the couch. “Hey,” he called as he sat up. He glanced down at Chester, but didn’t say anything as he eased himself off the bed. He hadn’t missed Chester’s eyes being closed, or his lack of response to Jason’s comment. Ryan stretched as he moved, and headed across the loft. “We were just watching a movie.” He gently pecked a kiss to Jason’s face. “You look happy.” 

“Great day at work,” Jason responded, but he was looking at Chester. “Ry… everything okay? Why’d Chaz cut his hair?” He looked at Chester again for a moment before he turned to follow Ryan into the kitchen. He dropped his voice as he got close to his boyfriend. “That doesn’t seem right.”

Ryan looked thoughtfully from out over the loft, to Jason. He leaned in close. “He had a small meltdown this morning. I guess he and Mike had a rough night last night and Chaz is all messed up over it. He locked himself in the bathroom and he did that to himself.” He pointed across the space. 

The happy feelings from the afternoon dropped as Jason looked back at Chester. He couldn’t help but feel guilty. _This isn’t how this is supposed to go. Now Chaz is a wreck, and Mike is a wreck. He’s going to have to fix that, even though I don’t know how. It’s because Mike told him no._ Jason sighed and put his arms around Ryan’s neck. “It’s good you were here for him. I bet it’s been a long day.” He closed his eyes and brought Ryan in for a better hello kiss, letting this one linger for a few seconds. 

Ryan felt himself sink into Jason’s kiss. It was nice to be held, to have his boyfriend there to be supportive. “It has been. He’s doing better now,” he whispered as their kiss broke. “I’m just worried for him. When Mike gets here, God knows what will happen.” 

Jason pulled back a little. “I’m sure it will be fine. The last time, Mike was really supportive. Remember? When he cut off his mohawk and Mark almost lost it?” The memory stuck for a second, causing Jason’s thoughts to pause. Maybe Chester cutting his hair was a bigger deal than he thought. He tried to remember why the red mohawk had met its demise, but he realized he never knew in the first place. “Why’d he do it back then? Just to get back at Mark for something?”

Ryan shook his head slowly, his gaze bouncing over to the bed for a moment before he looked down at Jason’s shirt front and his striped tie. “It was after we all went out,” he whispered, “to that fancy restaurant. He didn’t feel like he was enough for Mike. It’s hard to explain. Like, people there were staring at him, like he didn’t belong and he thought that wasn’t what Mike wanted. It didn’t have anything to do with Mark. He was just feeling out of place, not just at the restaurant, but in Mike’s life.” 

It was easy for Jason to put the two events together. Chester not feeling like he was right in Mike’s life, and Mike turning down sex last night. Jason pecked another sweet kiss to Ryan’s lips. He didn’t know if Mike would put it together or not. “That’s awful,” Jason whispered. “Mike should do better with that.” His arms were still around Ryan’s neck when the front door opened, and Mike walked in.

Jason didn’t even step back, but he turned to look at Mike. His face was pinched with anxiety, and right away Jason felt the worry over what was about to happen come over him. His eyes met Mike’s, but then Mike looked away, his hands clutching the straps of his backpack.

“Hey,” Mike mumbled, barely acknowledging the couple in the kitchen as he made his way over to his little corner. His eyes went right to Chester on the bed, and he had two immediate thoughts. First, that Chester was napping during the day, and downstairs. The second was that his hair was almost all gone. There was just a tiny strip of blonde curls down the middle, and Mike felt the blood drain out of his face. He didn’t even make it to his piano before he dropped his backpack down and went straight to Chester.

Memories of waking up at YRS to find Chester’s red-tipped mohawk gone crashed over him as he sat down gingerly, trying not to startle his boyfriend. _Why did he do this again? Because of me? Last night sucked, but his hair… again… why does he keep doing this?_ Mike reached out and touched the top of Chester’s head lightly, afraid to wake him up. _He hates me. And he should. I’ve screwed everything up._

Chester’s eyes fluttered open as he felt the touch to his head. His eyes hurt, and he went to sit up to rub them, when he saw Mike sitting so close. “Oh, you’re home,” Chester said, his voice low and a little scratchy. He managed to pull himself the rest of the way up, so he was sitting in front of Mike. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” 

Mike hesitated for just a moment before he remembered Jason, his arms around Ryan’s neck when he came in, and he put his hand on Chester’s leg, giving it a light squeeze. “Babe, your hair. I, I wasn’t expecting that.” He looked at his boyfriend’s face and his heart ached. Everything was wrong. He knew he’d made Chester feel unloved and unwanted last night, and he didn’t know how to undo that. 

Chester looked away as he ran his hand over his head, and the short strip of hair that was left. “Do you hate it?” he asked, not daring to try and look Mike in the eyes.

“No, no, I don’t hate it,” Mike assured him quickly. He reached up and petted his hand over the top of Chester’s head again. “I just don’t understand why you go to these places, Ches, why cutting off your hair seems like a good idea.”

“It’s not an idea,” Chester answered honestly as he looked up. He could see what looked like genuine concern on his boyfriend’s face, and it was a boost to say more. “It’s like an impulse. I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s hard to stop it once it starts. I know you liked my mohawk before. I know it’s not the same, but it will grow.” 

“Oh, Ches,” Mike mumbled, his heart feeling like it was shattering. “You don’t have to do that for me. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I’m sorry.” His hand drifted down the side of Chester’s face, his fingers skating lightly over Chester’s cheek and chin. “I know it will grow, but you should do what you want to do with it, not what you think I want you to do.” He leaned forward and kissed Chester’s cheek softly. “It’s not about me.” 

“I just wanted you to feel better,” Chester whispered as Mike stayed close. “Better about me...about us. After last night, I couldn’t understand.” He raised his arms to bring Mike closer, to put some sort of connection between them. He didn’t want to cry, not anymore. He just wanted Mike to hug him back, and mean it. 

“I know. And I’m sorry.” Mike let Chester pull him closer, and he slid his arms around his boyfriend in a tight hug. “Last night was my fault, I know that. I wish you hadn’t sat here upset all day.” He kissed Chester’s ear, then his cheek again, en route to his lips. It didn’t feel wrong to kiss Chester, but he knew that was what had gotten him in trouble last night. It didn’t feel wrong, and he knew he wasn’t suddenly not in love with Chester just because he also had feelings for Jason. It was a whole new revelation for him, the idea he could love Chester and not be _in love_ the same way he’d always been. His body certainly didn’t know or understand the difference. 

Chester glanced toward the kitchen, spotting Ryan and Jason. “Can we go upstairs to talk?” Chester asked as he looked back at his boyfriend. “If, if you want to. Away from everyone.” 

“Of course.” Mike stood up, untangling himself from Chester’s hands, and held out one of his for Chester to take. “Anything you want, babe.” He was going to keep the line, but he had to do something for Chester to feel better. He couldn’t leave him hurting this way. He looked at the top of Chester’s head again and the guilt was overwhelming. _If I hadn’t stopped, this would be a non-issue. I made him feel terrible._ Mike felt better as Chester took his hand, and he pulled him up off the bed. 

Jason had been watching from across the room. He took note of the little kisses, and the touches, and he knew all of it was necessary even though he felt the jealousy eating at him. _They’ll go upstairs and Mike will do whatever he needs to do. Two weeks. We’ve got two weeks to try to get Chester to a better place. God, I don’t know if Mike can leave after they get back from San Francisco. If Chester is shaving off his hair after last night, what will a break up do to him?_ He turned and looked at Ryan, who had somehow made himself busy doing absolutely nothing in the kitchen, but he didn’t say anything. The loft was small. Ryan knew that Mike and Chester were going upstairs without it being pointed out to him. 

Ryan hadn’t missed Mike pulling Chester from the bed, or the two of them going up the stairs, and he smiled. “Good,” he whispered as he turned to face Jason a little more. “I hope they work it out. Chaz was crushed.” He rolled his lips together as he thought about his own night, and the way Jason had talked to him - the smooth, overly sweet voice that Ryan knew was fake. “Maybe we should take care of dinner, that way they can have more time,” he suggested thoughtfully. 

“You cooking?” Jason teased quietly. “What are we having? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Soup? Wait, I think there’s something in the freezer we can heat up.” He smiled and poked Ryan in the center of his chest. “Why don’t we order something? They can come down and eat when they want to, we can put theirs in the fridge if they aren’t ready when it gets here.” 

Ryan nodded. “That’s what I was thinking...we could order something. We both know I can’t cook.” He watched as Jason took his phone out and started to scroll through dinner options. “Hey, you didn’t say what you were so happy about earlier,” he recalled. 

Jason looked up from his phone. “I got a promotion, Ry. I’ll be overseeing a whole bunch of people at work now, it’s a management position.” He decided to stop there, for now. “I got distracted with everything else, but yeah, it’s really exciting.” He knew his smile was taking up his entire face, he could feel it. “I know there will be a lot of opportunities for me to keep moving up, so that’s good.” 

“Jay, that’s fantastic!” Ryan cheered and he rushed to pull Jason into his arms, a big bear hug. “I’m so proud of you.” He pressed a sloppy kiss to Jason’s cheek. “Mr. Manager,” he teased before he kissed him again. “I’m going to have to use that in bed one of these nights,” he chuckled. “Mr. Manager.” He could feel his worry from earlier lifting as he let Jason out of his arms, and he watched his boyfriend smile even wider - if that was possible. “You’re doing so well,” Ryan had to say. “A promotion and it hasn’t even been that long. You’re so kickass.”

“Not even six months there yet,” Jason agreed. “I was hoping they’d figure out I was better than entry level, despite what my resume said.” Not being able to describe his work at YRS had been frustrating when he was looking for a job, but none of that mattered now. “They think I have great people skills.” Jason rolled his eyes. “After keeping the peace with Mark for so long, of course I have great people skills. That’s me, Jason Wakefield, the master of telling people what they want to hear.” He looked back down at his phone. “How about Chinese?”

Ryan’s bright smile faded. _The master of what people want to hear._ The words didn’t sit right, like Jason was admitting to being able to bullshit anyone into anything. “Yeah,” Ryan agreed. “We all love that.” He looked away and up toward the bedroom, his thoughts washing back and forth. Worry upstairs and worry downstairs. There was no escaping. 

Upstairs, Chester stood by the bed one hand holding his shorts up. Mike was just in front of him, the two of them paused for a moment as they seemed to be having trouble saying anything, and Chester knew that was part of the problem. “Did I do something wrong?” Chester finally asked. “Last night or...sometime? I know I shouldn’t have stayed over at Amir’s, but I said I was sorry about that. Nothing happened.” 

Mike reached out, his hands going to pull Chester close to him. “No. I was just distracted by stupid things yesterday. You didn’t do anything wrong. I guess, I think, maybe, I was caught off guard. I didn’t expect anything to happen last night. And I kind of got anxious. It was a lot of pressure.” It was as close to the truth as he could get right now. He _had_ been anxious, and it _did_ feel like a lot of pressure, though not for the reasons Chester would think. 

“I guess I can understand that. Pressure can mess anyone up. So...so we’re okay then?” he asked, even though he didn’t feel like they were okay. It was the little things that were off, things that couldn’t be boiled down to one wrong night. “Because if something’s wrong, I want you to tell me. Pretending things are okay when they’re not isn’t going to help.” 

“We’re fine,” Mike said, his fingers spreading over Chester’s back. He leaned in and kissed his boyfriend like he was sealing a contract. Chester didn’t resist him or push him away, and inside Mike was grateful. He slid his tongue over Chester’s lip ring and sucked at it for a second before he pulled back. “I’m sorry for last night, Ches.” 

“Mhm, you keep saying that,” Chester answered, both his hands on Mike’s shirt front as he let go of his shorts. If he didn’t move around too much, they would stay up on their own. “Let’s forget about it. I just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong...I know I’ve had to say no so many times lately, and I was worried you were holding that against me.” He looked up, meeting Mike’s dark eyes. 

“It’s been hard,” Mike admitted. “But I’m not holding anything against you. I just got in my own head. That’s all.” He closed his eyes and tried to think of what else he could say that might make things better, but he couldn’t come up with anything. 

Chester nodded, and silently decided to accept that answer. He knew what it was like to get lost inside himself, so he couldn’t judge Mike for it. “Okay,” he whispered as he leaned in to get a kiss, his fingers digging into the front of Mike’s shirt. His eyes were closed, his thoughts shifting from worry to hope. One kiss led to another, and then Chester pulled back and pecked a few down Mike’s face and onto his neck, his hands dropping before he wiggled them up under Mike’s shirt to feel his warm familiar skin. 

Being close to Chester was always a turn on, no matter what else Mike had in his head. Just like last night, he was quick to return the kisses and touches, his lips finding every spot on Chester’s skin that he knew his boyfriend loved. His hands were already under the waistband of Chester’s oversized shorts before he even realized he was doing it, and he was enjoying the feel of Chester’s hands on his body the same way he always had. It was confusing at best to feel his cock responding to Chester the way it always had, as though nothing had changed, as though Mike saying nothing was wrong was true. 

They were still standing and Mike started to think that, after the drama last night had caused, he could just give Chester what he wanted. _Jason did it. And he did it knowing I could hear it. So what difference does it make if I do it, too? If that’s what Chester wants, if that’s what he needs, if this actually goes that far, then Jay can’t say anything._ He pulled Chester up against him, pressing their bodies together the way he’d become so accustomed to doing. It was very different from the way he’d been with Jason. Jason didn’t want his aggression, but it felt like Chester almost expected it. 

Their kisses were getting heavier, deeper, and Chester felt everything coming to life. It was an unexpected reaction, to what had started out as concern and apologies. He slid his hands further up Mike’s torso, making sure to stop and tease his nipples as he went. He licked at Mike’s skin, right by his ear, making sure to get his piercing involved. He felt Mike’s hands on his ass, and a moment later his shorts dropped to his ankles. Chester pulled back and laughed. “I need a belt,” he chuckled before he gently nudged Mike on the arm. “Get on the bed and I’ll join you. Let me get out of these things.” He hadn’t missed the flush on Mike’s cheeks or the heavier pants as they kissed. Things were happening, and after last night it was a relief to get a second chance. 

Mike dropped back on the bed and closed his eyes. It was just a few seconds until Chester joined him, but he didn’t lay on the bed next to him, the way Mike expected. He opened his eyes in surprise as soon as he felt Chester on top of him, his knees on either side of Mike’s hips. He didn’t think. His hands went right to Chester’s hips as he looked up at his boyfriend. “What are you doing?” he asked, his breath coming out sharply as Chester sat down, right on his hard dick. “Ches,” he whined, his legs tingling with anticipation.

“Having fun,” Chester grinned as he leaned down. He was only in his underwear and the oversized shirt, which he was ready to ditch that, too. It was cramping his style. He only plopped one kiss to Mike’s waiting lips before he sat back up. “This needs to go, too,” he announced with a sheepish smile before he tugged it off and flipped it across the room. He was right back over Mike, looking down into his eyes. “Sexy Boy,” he cooed, grinding his hips into Mike’s as he connected another kiss, sucking and humming and feeling good. 

It was automatic, with Chester almost naked on top of him. Mike’s fingers tightened on his hips as their kisses went deeper. He could feel Chester through his underwear, the hardness that was present, again, for the second day in a row, and Mike wasn’t going to let him down this time. He moved one hand down to cup Chester’s ass, and slid the other up his back, all the way up to his neck like he’d done probably a hundred times before. He was ready to flip their positions, get Chester on his back, and make him feel better. Mike’s hands tightened their grip as he went to turn them. 

Chester felt his world turn, as Mike flipped him over and down onto the bed. It had been fast, before Chester could react. He was lifted and put down, and Mike was suddenly on top of him, between his legs. If Chester had to describe how it happened to someone else, he couldn’t. It was just the nature of how things went between them, and there was no thought to it. Mike was over top him now, pressing their dicks together as they rocked into the bed. “Fuuuck,” Chester moaned, his eyes shut as he clawed at Mike’s back. 

Mike ran a line of kisses up Chester’s neck, stopping here and there to suck a little bit harder. He was lost in what he was doing, which was making Chester feel good, and there wasn’t going to be any stopping, not this time. He lifted up a little to get his hand between them to try to get his jeans off. “A little help?” he asked, trying to keep his weight off Chester. 

“I need a magic wand, Sexy Boy, so I could wish you naked,” Chester laughed as he raised his head so he could see. He got his hands going, shoving Mike’s jeans down, and his underwear right along with them. The sight of Mike’s hard cock sent a rush of tingles through Chester’s whole body. He couldn’t wait. It had been so long, and even before there was any real skin on skin contact, he could feel himself leaking. “Kick ‘em off,” he begged. 

Mike struggled his way out of his jeans, then reached up to pull his shirt off from the collar. There was a flash of hesitation through his mind as he reached for Chester’s underwear, but those were gone next, as the urgency to _do this_ was all under Mike’s skin. He didn’t want to think, he just wanted to do, and he dropped back down, spreading Chester’s legs out wide as he did. He could feel everything working exactly the way it was supposed to. “Ches, babe, you feel so fucking good,” he panted, his hand running down the side of Chester’s body. “It’s been forever.” 

“I know!” Chester almost screamed. He reached both arms up, wrapping them around Mike’s neck to pull him down so they could kiss some more. He knew things needed to happen. They would need to stop to get lube, and then there would be finger play, which Chester knew would be short, and then they could get to the good stuff, to the feeling he’d been missing for six long weeks. He pressed forceful kisses up under Mike’s chin, his nose and face lost in the soft beard he’d learned to really appreciate. “I love you so much,” he said before nipping at Mike’s collarbone. “I’m ready for more. God, Mike, I’m ready for everything.” 

Mike paused, lifting his head to look Chester right in the eyes. “I love you, too.” The frantic pace of everything slowed for a moment and he placed a gentle kiss to Chester’s forehead. “I mean that.” He stretched across their bodies to get the lube, and then it was back on, everything urgent in his body pressing him forward. He coated his fingers and slid just enough to the side to make room, pressing one finger inside Chester without much preamble. There was a small jump, a bit of a shock to Chester’s body that he felt, and he’d known that would happen. It had been a while. The stretching was important, and he told himself that over and over for the minutes it took for him to work up to adding another finger, all while plastering kisses to every part of Chester’s face he could reach while his boyfriend’s hands grabbed at his back and his sides. 

The feeling of having Mike’s fingers inside of him wasn’t enough. It felt good, and Chester knew it needed to be done, but what he really wanted was for his body to connect to Mike’s. “Sexy Boy, please,” he begged, groping to try and pull Mike back on top. “See how impatient I am? It’s been six weeks,” he panted, with his dick leaking and his legs unable to stay still. 

“Okay, okay.” Mike agreed, he was ready. He was careful to pull his fingers out slowly, despite Chester’s body wanting to hold on to him, and he reached for the lube. He sat back a little and got himself good and slick before he tossed it away, and ran his clean hand down the inside of Chester’s thigh. 

The moans and voices from upstairs had trickled down over the open loft. Ryan had to smile a little every time heard what he distinctly knew as Chester’s voice. Despite the part of him that had liked feeling like the only one who could bring Chester to that place, the bigger part of him was happy that Chester was finally getting what he wanted. _Especially after today. Whatever was wrong last night, seems to be better now. Good. He really had me worried earlier. I just hope Mike doesn’t disappoint him again._ He put his attention back on the video game he was playing, attempting to block out most of what he was hearing. After years of working in the porn industry - both at YRS and Carnal Delights - the sounds of two people screwing in close quarters wasn’t the end all be all. Ryan could listen to it, even enjoy it, and keep his body under control. 

His character didn’t make the jump, and as the silly cartoon angel floated up to _heaven_ before the game reloaded for another try, Ryan twisted around on the couch. Jason was in the kitchen - still in the kitchen - even though their food had been ordered and was on its way. Ryan had tried to make further conversation, but Jason had gone quiet on him. He even invited him to watch TV while they waited, but that had been a _no_ as well. _He must be thinking about his promotion. Mr. Manager. Bet that’s a lot of new responsibility. He was in charge of all of us at YRS though. More than Mark, most of the time. He was a good manager. I’m going to remind him of that._

The game popped back to life, and Ryan decided he’d wait till they were sitting down and eating. Right now he had a cavern to jump across without dying and Jason looked like he was still trying to process things. 

Jason had his focus squarely on his phone, but he wasn’t looking at anything. He was staring blankly at the black screen, not even caring that if Ryan were to walk over and see him looking at the blank phone, he’d have no explanation. Mike’s words from earlier, when he’d made Jason _promise_ not to have sex with Ryan in the loft while he was there were on repeat inside his head as he listened to what was going on upstairs. He was caught in a weird mental space. _I told him to do what he had to do, and he said he couldn’t do it. All it took was Chaz shaving his head, and there he is, right up there between his legs. I don’t think he really knows what he wants. Maybe things with me sound good, but he feels obligated to Chester. Or maybe the sex is just better._ He closed his eyes and tried not to go there, but he did anyway. _I won’t let him do some of the things he does to Chaz. Maybe that’s going to be a problem. I don’t know how he could deny what we felt the other night. It felt right. I know it did._

He lifted his eyes to peek at the back of Ryan’s head. _And he doesn’t even care, he’s not even affected. Maybe I’m wrong about him and Chaz. Maybe I only saw something there because Mike has said it so many times._ Jason was talking himself into a hole of doubt, and what he knew was happening between Mike and Chester wasn’t helping. 

On the bed, Chester was so excited he was shaking. Mike was looming by his raised knees, his dick in hand as he lined things up. Chester was trying to reach for him, wanting so desperately for him to be closer, but he couldn’t quite get to anything but Mike’s legs - his thighs that were on either side of Chester’s body. He petted over both legs with both hands as he watched, and then dropped his head to the mattress, his eyes wide open as he looked up at the ceiling fan. “I’ve missed you so much,” he said, just as he felt the wet tip of Mike’s cock press against his opening. 

Mike held his concentration as he pushed, the head of his cock going right inside Chester’s body. He dropped his head as he waited a moment. “I’ve missed this, too,” he managed to say. Six weeks was an eternity compared to what their regular, healthy sex life had been. “You okay?”

The first push had sent Chester’s body squirming, but he held onto the blankets as he breathed, as he waited for his body to adjust - to remember - how things went. How they felt. “I’m good,” he finally said, everything on ten with intensity. He was ready to feel all of Mike inside of him. 

That was all Mike needed to keep going, to slide inside all the way slowly, being aware of just how long it had been for both of them. He sighed at the feeling of being completely enclosed, Chester’s body hugging him tightly, and pressed his hips forward a little more, even though he had no more length to give. It was a push against Chester’s bottom that brought a moan from his boyfriend, and that was more than enough confirmation that what he was doing felt good. He dropped his head to the space between Chester’s neck and shoulder and kissed him. “You feel so fucking good,” he moaned softly, acutely aware of his audience downstairs. 

“God, so do you,” Chester gasped back, his head pressed to Mike’s cheek. He knew Ryan and Jason were downstairs, and he didn’t care. He’d tried to set up privacy the night before, but that hadn’t happened, so now it was game on, no matter who was home. He bucked his hips, sending another zip of pleasure through his cock and balls and legs, and his mouth opened as his eyes shut.

It had been so long. Mike reached for Chester’s hand, pulling it up close to his face and locking his fingers around his wrist before leaning to the side and doing the same with his other hand. It sent a thrill of excitement through him to pin his hands down to the mattress. It wasn’t something they did often, but the unspoken submission to him was enough to get Mike really going. He had been careful with his thrusts so far, but Chester hadn’t given any indication that there was any pain, even after such a long break. Mike pulled back and went back in a little harder, testing the boundaries a little bit. He could feel the limits of his self control starting to break with each thrust that felt incredible - and Chester wasn’t complaining. 

It was consuming. Chester’s entire bottom was overtaken by Mike’s thrusts, his body being rocked and pushed, and the pace was only picking up. His arms were locked down, Mike’s grip around his wrists tight, and it didn’t occur to him in that moment that it should matter. He was giving his body to his lover, and that meant all of it. An extra hard thrust sent Chester a little higher on the bed, and he felt the euphoria that came with it, his deprived body sucking it all in. His hard cock was getting a workout as Mike’s stomach rubbed against it while the motion never stopped. 

Mike turned his head and his lips met Chester’s ear. He latched on, sucking on the shell of his ear, then down lower, playing with the jewelry there before he let go and released Chester’s wrists to go back on his knees a little. He looked down into Chester’s face, the flushed pink spots high on his cheeks, the sweat across his forehead, and his dark eyes, watching him. He put both hands on Chester’s hips and pulled him a little higher, changing the angle of his thrusts, and trying to get his prostate. It was something he’d managed only once before, making Chester orgasm without the use of either of their hands, and he suddenly wanted to do it again.

Chester felt the change, the angle of Mike’s thrusts hitting a different place. A better place. “Fuuuck, Mike!” Chester howled, and he wanted more. “Deeper!” he cried, knowing Mike’s tip was just barely grazing where it would feel amazing. Mike had already moved him, but Chester tried to add to it as he pushed his bottom against Mike’s body. 

Mike dug his fingers into Chester’s hips, trying to get better leverage. He moved around a little on each thrust until he felt it, until he felt that soft, squishy place inside Chester that signaled his angle was right. The loud gasp from his boyfriend was his second confirmation. “That’s it, Ches!” he cried, recognizing the look on Chester’s face as he squeezed his eyes shut and his mouth went a little slack. He was holding him in place tightly while he pounded into him, hitting his spot over and over. 

It was almost too much to take. Pleasure and arousal and everything glorious was shooting at once, and Chester felt his balls tighten with conviction. He clawed at Mike as his back arched, his mouth open as he felt his bottom going numb. Mike’s thrusts were relentless, and seconds later, Chester felt a wave of tightness hit everything just before it was released. He gasped and yelled, he wasn’t even sure what had come out of his mouth as he felt everything he’d been holding in for weeks come out in hot spits of cum. 

Mike didn’t stop. He kept going as he watched Chester come, and he didn’t have a second thought about anything that had happened in the last six weeks. It didn’t matter that it had been forever since they’d had sex. It didn’t matter that in that same amount of time they’d both gotten off with someone else. It didn’t matter that he’d given his body to Jason just two nights before. All he could see and hear, feel and think was Chester as he held him in place. His orgasm wasn’t far behind Chester’s, so close he didn’t stop to wonder if he was holding too tightly or thrusting too hard. He just went for it, giving Chester everything he’d been holding back for weeks until it all hit the tipping point. He felt the rush, everything inside him coming down to one second that made all the difference, and there was no holding it back. With a groan he came, his hips on overdrive as he deposited every bit of cum into his boyfriend. It felt better than he remembered, the feeling of finally getting back inside of Chester, and it hit him in waves. He knew there was more than one moan, and he knew they were loud, and he knew he should be trying harder not to be so loud but he didn’t care. His body wanted something else, and he gave Chester all of it until he was exhausted, and he came to a slow stop, his heart racing. “Fuck. Fuck, Ches, that was so good.” 

Chester nodded in agreement. His body was depleted and with Mike on top of him, both of them stuck together by a mix of cum and sweat, it was getting harder to breathe. “Yes,” he managed to say in a raspy voice. “You’ve always been so good.” He twisted his head just enough to get a kiss to Mike’s salty skin. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Mike said, no hesitation at all. He opened his eyes and popped a kiss to Chester’s cheek. “Gotta move now, babe. Hold still.”

Chester braced himself. He knew it was going to hurt, and that was no one's fault. It was just the way it went. “I’m ready,” he said, his eyes closed as he felt Mike lift off of him. It was a relief for his chest and lungs, but his ass screamed as Mike started to pull out, his tip exiting being the worst. The moment Mike was free, Chester twisted onto his side, waiting for the burning to stop, which he knew it would. He just needed a few seconds. 

Mike leaned over and touched the side of Chester’s face. “Sorry.” He wanted to say he was sorry for last night again, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to remind either of them what he’d done. It was bad enough he was about to have to go downstairs to clean up, and he knew Jason was there. He didn’t know if he could even look at him. “Do you want to go first? Or you want me to go?” 

“Go ahead,” Chester mumbled. “You’ve pounded me into oblivion, Sexy Boy. I neeeeeed a minute.” He opened one eye and looked over his shoulder at his lover as he smiled. “And I’m so ready to eat now. We need to figure that out next.”

Mike stood up from the bed. “I’ll bring you a towel,” he promised, reaching down to pick up his jeans. “I want a shower, but food first.” He looked around and decided he’d just go without his shirt. That was common place around the loft these days. “I’ll be right back,” he added, leaning over the bed to kiss Chester one more time, right as a knock came to the front door. Just as he made it over to the stairs, he heard Jason call up from below.

“Mike! Chaz! Chinese food is here!”

Mike hesitated at the top of the steps, looking down. He zipped his jeans right as his eyes connected with Jason’s, and even from a floor away, he could see the hurt in them. With Chester just a few feet away from him, and Ryan nearby, there was nothing that could be said. He bit down on his bottom lip and went down the stairs. Jason watched him until he got to the bottom, and Mike felt his cheeks flush. He wished he had his shirt as his lover’s eyes raked over him, taking in his sweaty skin and disheveled hair. 

Jason reached out to grab Mike’s wrist as he started toward the bathroom. “Want a glass of wine?” he asked, with just a hint of stress in his voice. “I’ll open us a bottle.” He could hear the undertone of desperation in his words and he let Mike’s wrist go, watching as Mike pushed his hair out of his eyes. None of this was how it was supposed to go.

Mike held Jason’s gaze for a second before he stepped around him on his way to clean up. “Yeah, wine,” he mumbled, “that’s going to make everything better.” 

****  
TBC


	23. False Accusations

Jason flipped the magazine closed and glanced at his watch impatiently. _If Mike doesn’t get here soon we won’t have time to talk. We have to talk today. The weekend was awful. I have to know what he’s thinking._ He thought about turning on the television, but decided not to. Not yet. Maybe after they talked. Jason didn’t want to deal with any distractions, and even though he knew that, like him, Mike wasn’t big on tv, he still didn’t want there to be anywhere else to look but him. _I want him to look at me while we’re talking. I need to know._

There had been a weird feeling in the air between them all weekend, after Mike and Chester’s sexual reunion on Friday night. Mike still woke up on Saturday and pecked Jason on the lips when he came downstairs for breakfast, the way he’d been comfortable doing for weeks, but that was where the affection stopped. All the rest was for Chester. Kisses that Jason could feel to his own neck, touches he could feel on his own body. He was jealous in a way he hadn’t ever been with Mark. With Mark it was more of a resigned acceptance to how things were, and he’d been mildly jealous of Chester when he first caught Mark’s attention. But he had been granted the bulk of Mark’s time, effort, and attention, and he’d benefitted from their marriage. It wasn’t all perfect, not at all, but the jealousy had never hit him quite the way watching Mike love on Chester was hitting him now. 

_It’s guilt. He’s doing it out of guilt, not because he’s having second thoughts. I need to talk to him. I need to show him this._ Jason looked down at the magazine clutched in his hand. It felt like that magazine would make all the difference in the world when it came to how Mike saw Chester. His head popped up with the sound of keys in the lock, and he looked anxiously over his shoulder, hoping it was Mike. Knowing it should be Mike.

Jason breathed a little sigh of relief when Mike’s flannel shirt came into view. He looked perfect, his dark jeans and dark blue t-shirt with the open blue and white flannel over top. He felt his heart skip a beat as Mike’s eyes found his across the space. “Hey,” he called out, a smile touching his lips. “I thought you’d never get home.”

“Traffic,” Mike answered on his way to put down his backpack. “You know how it is. Sometimes it’s fine, others it’s not.” He carefully sat the bag next to his keyboard and turned around. He knew Chester and Ryan were running late; Chester had already texted him. “Did Ryan text you? They’re going to be late. They’re coming from the other side of the city. Traffic.” He shrugged and made his way over to the couch, plopping down next to Jason. “How was your day?”

It didn’t matter how Jason’s day had been. That wasn’t what he wanted to talk about for the precious minutes they had alone. He reached over, pulling a handful of Mike’s shirt toward him as he connected their lips in the first real kiss they’d shared in days. It excited him that Mike responded immediately, his mouth opening so their tongues could meet, and he held tighter to Mike’s shirt. He felt Mike’s fingers nestle into his hair and press them closer as they reconnected. It was exactly what he’d imagined this kiss would be like all day. Warm. Wet. A little bit desperate.

When they broke apart, Jason was the first to speak. “The weekend. It was awful.”

Mike closed his eyes. His weekend hadn’t been awful. It was true that he’d spent most of it confused about what was going on with him and his conflicting feelings, but being with Chester hadn’t been awful. Knowing that Jason knew what had happened between them was uncomfortable, but he kept telling himself that Jason would understand. _He had sex with Ryan. He can’t hold it against me that I couldn’t help myself. Ches needed me and I wanted to. I really wanted him. I wasn’t doing it to keep things normal. I was doing it because I love him and I wanted to._ “What was awful for you?” Mike asked softly instead of agreeing with Jason.

The question set Jason back a little. “Really?” He felt Mike’s hand drop away from his neck. “The whole weekend, watching you and Chaz… I mean, all it took for you to turn back was his emotional breakdown, and there you were, right back between his legs after telling me you couldn’t do it.” He could feel a bubble of anger starting to form. After everything, Mike was second guessing them. Jason couldn’t believe it.

“Jay, that’s not fair,” Mike protested immediately. “It’s not like I just stopped loving him. All of it was so emotional, and we were talking, and I, I just…” He blew out a long breath. “I don’t know, it’s different. And I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I had sex with him out of obligation. I didn’t. If I’d have done it the first night, it would have been that. Because I had to. Because you told me I should.”

Jason watched Mike’s face and the miserable shadow that had fallen over his expression, and the angry feelings that had started to form inside him faded to sympathy. “This isn’t how I thought it would go, I can tell you that. I didn’t think it would be so hard. I thought you were ready to let Chester go, and now I feel like I’ve made you do something that you didn’t want to do.” He swallowed against the tightness in his throat, the emotions that were threatening. “Sweetheart, I thought you wanted us,” he said softly.

Mike reached for Jason’s free hand. “I’m so confused,” he admitted. “I don’t want to hurt Chester. We’ve been together for so long, and when I saw what he’d done, it killed me to think I was the reason. He’s not ready, Jay. Emotionally, I can’t break up with him. I can’t even think about what he might do next. This time was his hair, but what would be next? I can’t be the cause of something awful. I love him, I do… even while I’m falling in love with you, I still love him, and I hate myself for this. I hate being caught between the two of you, and what I have and what I could have.” He looked up, meeting Jason’s eyes that were watching him so intently as he listened. “I know what you and I have could be good, I know that. We’re so much alike, and I love being with you, and these little dreams we have sound so good. But I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified I’m doing the wrong thing.”

Jason felt the shiny cover of the magazine in his hand, and he knew now was the time. If Mike was having doubts, if he was about to end things between them, the only thing Jason could do was show him. “You’re not doing the wrong thing,” Jason whispered. “It’s all in the wrong order and I know it’s breaking your heart, but you’re not wrong about how you feel. I know you love him. He loves you, too. But there’s more than that. There always has been. You’ve always been right about how you feel.” He pulled his hand free from Mike’s and looked down to open the magazine. “You’ve always known there was something between Chaz and Ryan, too.”

Mike looked down at the magazine Jason was holding out to him. It took him a minute to realize what he was looking at. It was the ad Chester and Ryan had come home and told him and Jason about. The one with Chester on top of Ryan in his underwear. The one where the red in Chester’s underwear matched the red laces in Ryan’s shoes. The one where they had apparently carefully omitted the fact that Ryan had a hand laced into Chester’s hair as they kissed. 

He looked at the spread for what felt like a long time. The vibrancy, the passion of that kiss seemed to come alive off the slick paper, like it created its own heat. Mike looked at their bodies so intimately close, the kiss that looked completely natural, and so real. It wasn’t the fake kisses put on by models and movie stars. It was clearly the real thing, exactly what he knew people loved about Chester’s videos with Ryan at YRS. The sexiness of the whole thing practically slapped him in the face. “This is the ad they told us about. They, they didn’t say they kissed.” He looked up, the shock evident on his face. “Jay? This was months ago. They didn’t tell us.” 

Jason glanced down at the advertisement he had already memorized. “I know. It’s before that game night, it’s before everything.” He let the thoughts sink into Mike’s brain. “I know you don’t want to believe it, but there’s secrets on both sides.” 

Mike pushed the magazine away. “I don’t want to look at it. What am I supposed to say? That I knew I was right all along?” He crossed his arms in a huff. “It’s all more complicated than it should be. If Ches wants to be with Ryan, then he should be. And if you and I want to be together, then we should be. It should be that easy. But it’s not. Do you think they’ve gone behind our backs, too? Do you think they’re doing what we’re doing?”

“I don’t think they know they’re in love.” Jason closed the magazine and tossed it toward the coffee table. It missed and fell to the floor, but neither of them stood up to get it. He reached over and put his hand on Mike’s leg, slowly rubbing circles over his knee. “I don’t have doubts about us, but I think you do. And it’s killing me. It’s all been coming to this point, everything that has happened with the four of us, and I waited until I knew I was certain, and until I thought you were, too. I don’t want you to feel like you’re caught between us, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re being kept on the side.” The words Mike had chosen a few days ago had been bothering Jason. He knew exactly what it felt like to be on the side, and he didn’t want anyone to feel that way. He let his hand move a little higher. “You’re right, it’s confusing. I think it’s confusing because you know what you want, but following through, it’s hard.”

“I want everything we’ve talked about. All of it. I’m not second guessing us, Jay, I’m not,” he repeated, even though he wasn’t sure he knew what he was doing anymore. Mike could feel Jason’s fingers stroking, playing, getting higher on his leg. “I just wish Ches would realize what he really wants, too. Maybe when he sees that ad, he’ll get it.” He closed his eyes and let the arousal that always came with Jason touching him start. They were alone, and maybe not for long. Worrying about Chester could wait. He felt the tingling in his stomach, the pull toward Jason.

“Maybe.” Jason leaned close, letting his hand travel up Mike’s leg and then up under the bottom of his shirt until he could feel the warm skin there. “Hearing you with him, I hated it. For the first time, I didn’t think I could stand it.” He kissed Mike’s cheek, then around his ear. “You said you were falling in love, sweetheart, I’m already there. Don’t make me wonder if you want this.” He reached a little further up Mike’s shirt, petting along his stomach. “Let me.”

Mike’s hands were on Jason’s thighs as he scooted over into Mike’s lap. He let his head fall back on the couch as Jason kissed down his neck, hot and wet, marking him. “Be careful,” he managed to say as Jason sucked on his skin and rocked against him.

“Shhh,” Jason whispered between kisses. He’d been watching Mike all weekend give his affection to someone else, and he wanted it back. Jason knew fucking Chester was good, and that in itself could be a hard bond to break. He desperately wanted to remind Mike that what they had was good, too, even if it was different. Even if Jason was the one demanding submission right now. “I need you,” he murmured against Mike’s skin. “I need to be inside you, just for a minute, please.” 

The desire in Jason’s voice went straight to Mike’s cock. “We don’t have long,” he said, opening his eyes as Jason sat back a little to look at him. He was conflicted. In the course of a few days he’d gone from staunchly, proudly monogamous, to being claimed by two. He couldn’t even blame it on his body or his hormones. He was captured by Jason as much as he was by Chester, and he was lost. “Jayse,” he pleaded, his mouth not knowing whether he wanted to say _Jay_ or _Jason_.

_ _“I know.” Jason’s hands were on Mike’s belt, ready to take it off of him. He looked at the beautiful flush over Mike’s cheeks and wondered how he could have doubted that Mike wanted him, even for a second. “Jayse?” he teased leaning forward. “You can’t even say my name now?” His hands went from Mike’s belt into his hair and Jason pushed his hips down as he pulled Mike in closer for another kiss. He melted into Mike’s body, sucking on his bottom lip, letting his fingers move through his hair. He knew they really didn’t have time, either, and nothing would make things worse than Ryan and Chester walking in on them._ _

_ _Jason let Mike’s lips go, his hands still lost in the black strands of hair he loved, and smiled down at him. “We’ll wait,” he whispered. “I know this is hard for you. They’re leaving for San Francisco soon, and we won’t have to rush. I don’t want to rush with you.” He kissed over Mike’s cheeks and saw the crinkle of frustration in his eyebrows. “I know, I’m sorry. I just got scared, too.”_ _

_ _Mike’s hands flexed on Jason’s hips. “This is all crazy,” he breathed, his heart slowly calming down. “I do want you, you don’t have to doubt that. I know you can feel it.” He pulled Jason slightly forward, rubbing their lower halves together. It was evident they had both been on their way to being hard when Jason stopped. “But yes, let’s wait. I told you before, I just don’t know how to be with both of you.” He lifted one hand and placed it over Jason’s heart. “Tell me it’s all going to work out.”_ _

_ _Mike’s eyes were desperately hopeful as Jason looked down into them and nodded. “It will.” He pulled a hand away from Mike’s hair and caught the hand on his chest. “We’re just days away, sweetheart.” He hesitated, the thought to tell Mike the rest of his plans coming to the front of his mind while Mike was looking for reassurance. “There’s something else, something I want to tell you.” He hurried to keep Mike from interrupting. “Last Friday, I wanted to tell you more about my promotion, but we didn’t get a chance.”_ _

_ _“I’m sorry,” Mike said sincerely. “I know that whole evening didn’t go the way either of us planned.”_ _

_ _Jason shook his head. He slid off Mike’s lap and sat right next to him, still holding his hand. “Well, it’s more than a promotion. And by that, I mean, it’s not just a simple thing.” He took a deep breath. “They want me to change locations. Change offices. The guy who was overseeing that part of the company is leaving, and they want me to go run it.”_ _

_ _Mike could tell there was more - a lot more - than Jason was saying. “Okay,” he said cautiously. “Well, where’s the office?” _ _

_ _“Seattle.” Jason watched Mike’s eyes grow wide. “I know, it’s unexpected, and not what we talked about. But it’s a huge promotion, Mike. It’s more than doubling my salary, and I’m getting a bonus to move… it’s a huge opportunity. I’ll be running the entire thing up there.” He squeezed Mike’s hand. “I did a little research Friday afternoon at work. The University of Washington is right there in Seattle, it’s the number one school in the state. It would be a clean break, Mike. No lingering ties to L.A.” He rushed on as Mike listened, open-mouthed. “We’ll get a place there, and you can go on, and I’ll follow you. I’ve got a month before they want me out there.”_ _

_ _“Wow. Jason, I… wow.” It was a lot to take in at once. Jason leaving. The fact he’d already figured out where Mike would go to school. The idea of finding a home in Seattle. He didn’t dislike Seattle. But it wasn’t L.A. He’d grown up here. The thought of leaving it all behind was unnerving._ _

_ _“I wanted to tell you first,” Jason went on. “I didn’t want to tell Ry and Chaz about Seattle yet. I thought we could go up that week they’re in San Francisco, have our own little get away, see what we can find. I’ve got money stashed away. We’ll find a little house, if that’s what you want, something close to the University. Or if you want a city apartment, we can do that instead. Whatever you want, Mikey, I just.... say you’ll come with me.” He felt a little panicky, watching Mike’s reaction. He was gambling everything on the faith that Mark knew how to pair people, that his husband had known he and Mike should be together the way Ryan and Chester should be together. He knew asking Mike to uproot his life completely and trust him was asking a lot, but Jason didn’t know any other way to get what he wanted. Getting Mike away from Chester was essential to him taking Mike for his own. Jason knew he’d never win if Mike and Chester had daily contact. _ _

_ _Mike dropped Jason’s hand and stood up so he could pace back and forth a little. “Jay, I, I, I wasn’t expecting that. Like, at all!” It was all neatly laid out in front of him, a plan. A man who turned him on like crazy, who was his closest friend right now, who he could talk to about anything and everything. The nice place he wanted. The degree he’d been dreaming about. There was a plan, and all Mike had to do was say yes. Say yes, and break Chester’s heart in the process. His eyes landed on the magazine Jason had tossed away a few minutes ago, and he leaned over and scooped it up from the floor._ _

_ _He turned to the advertisement again and stared down at Chester. At the way his body was molded to Ryan’s, his hand on Ryan’s chest as they kissed. Mike had always seen it between them, the passion that simmered under the surface of teasing words and innocent touches. As his relationship with Jason deepened, and the lines between them all dissolved, it was even more obvious that something was there. Mike was better able to see now that Chester loved him, but there was love for Ryan, too, and a desire that had been buried deeply for a while. The same thing that made people love his videos with Chester was what made them love Chester’s videos with Ryan. It was love, buried underneath all the trappings of porn. Mike realized, standing in the loft looking down at the magazine, that Ryan had kept Chester as safe as possible at YRS, and would have done more if he’d had any room to negotiate at all. Bringing Mike in had been a desperate move on Mark’s part. _ _

_ _Chester had been in love with Mike, he didn’t doubt it at all. But he’d always been in love with Ryan, too, even if he didn’t know it. Mike had never understood it more clearly than he did right now, caught between Chester and Jason. _ _

_ _He looked at Jason on the couch, his anxious expression, and he knew what he wanted, what was best for all of them, even if it meant hurting Chester right now. In the long run, Chester would find more happiness with Ryan. “I’ll go,” he said, his voice bleeding every emotion that had cascaded over him in the last twenty minutes. “I have to break up with him, Jay. And Ryan’s going to have to pick him up.”_ _

_ _Jason was ready to stand, to take Mike in his arms and promise him they would all be okay. Their eyes locked together as Chester and Ryan’s voices came through the door, and he stayed still, looking up at Mike from the couch. “He’ll take care of him, Mike. Let’s not say anything yet. Not yet.”_ _

_ _Chester was the first one in the door, his smile bright. He stopped by the bar, dropping off his keys and phone. His gaze shot across the room. “Hey,” he called to Mike as he headed that way. “Sexy Boy, how was your day?” He asked just before he saw the magazine in Mike’s hands. “Oh! That’s the one that our Phenomenon ad is in. Ry!” he called, glancing over his shoulder, “it’s here!” He spun back to Mike, holding his hand out. “Let me see. We don’t even know which shot they used.” _ _

_ _Mike felt trapped. He had a choice to make quickly, whether to make a big deal over the ad, or let it go. Part of him wanted to be understanding, to pull Chester aside and tell him it was okay, that he knew he was in love with Ryan and give his blessing. It would be the mature, adult thing to do. Jason’s expectant face was watching quietly, and Mike didn’t do the mature, adult thing. His eyes flicked to Chester and he realized as much as he tried to justify everything - all the things that had changed and the intimacy he saw in the ad in front of him - despite his own transgressions, the reality still hurt. It still stung that his boyfriend hadn’t told him what to really expect with this ad, so many months ago._ _

_ _“Here,” he spit out, thrusting the magazine at Chester. “We were just talking about this. I think you might have forgotten to tell us something about that day.” _ _

_ _Chester was a little stunned by the tone in Mike’s voice as he looked down at the magazine and then back up at his boyfriend. “What’s wrong?” he asked before he flipped through the pages quickly. “Does it look bad?” _ _

_ _Ryan was right over Chester’s shoulder, and he caught a glimpse of the red and black ad. “There, Chazzy,” he said, pointing. “Go back a page.” _ _

_ _Chester flipped back, and his eyes widened as he looked at the ad, at the picture Phenomenon had chosen. The one picture where he’d leaned down and kissed Ryan, all on his own. He had to admit the picture looked sexy, with Ryan in the leather pants, and only the thin fabric of the red underwear separating them. “Wow,” Chester whispered as he read the print that went with it, the usual sensual Phenomenon Cologne wording, which declared the men’s fragrance a parallel to pheromones._ _

_ _“We look hot,” Ryan whispered as he looked over Chester’s shoulder. He licked his lips for a second before he looked up, his eyes bouncing from Mike’s stern face to Jason, who was on the couch. “We didn’t know which one they were going to use,” he said, even though he was pretty sure they’d said that months ago when the photos had been taken up at Oxnard. “This was just one of, like, what, Chaz? Half a dozen or so.” _ _

_ _Chester nodded. “Yeah. They didn’t all look like this,” he added as he looked up at Mike. “I think it looks good. And it’s our first one not for Score. It’s huge.” _ _

_ _Mike crossed his arms. His hands were shaking and he didn’t want Chester to see them. “Yeah. It’s huge. So why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell us all of it? You’re right it’s a huge deal. You guys are practically dry humping in this ad.”_ _

_ _Ryan watched as Chester’s happy expression dropped. “Mike,” Ryan said, taking a step forward, “there’s no reason to be like that.” _ _

_ _“He’s right,” Chester said with a nod. “It wasn’t like that. It was just one picture of a bunch. And we told you guys.” He could feel his heart starting to beat a little faster as memories from the Oxnard shoot came to the surface. There had been a lot of pictures, and he had no control over the _outfit_ he’d been put into on that day, but he had been the one to lean down and kiss Ryan. That hadn’t come from Forrest or the Phenomenon reps. That had been all Chester. “I know it looks like a bit much,” he admitted, his self-assured stance backing down a fraction. “But it’s a good picture and we weren’t humping. It was just a kiss for the camera.”_ _

_ _Mike shook his head. “Is this when it started?” he asked, his voice pained. He had an opportunity, right here, to make Chester see it. _I want him to see it, to see he’s in love with Ryan. It will be easier, if I can make him see what I see._ “Or were the two of you fucking before this?”_ _

_ _Jason’s mouth dropped open and he shot up from the couch. Now the four of them were standing, he and Mike across from Ryan and Chester, and he could see the color draining from Chester’s face. “Mike!” he hissed, trying to get his attention._ _

_ _“Don’t,” Mike said. His voice was quivering, and it wasn’t something he was faking. “Is this why everything got screwed up between us? Because of what you were doing behind my back?” _ _

_ _Chester couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was already shaking his head. “No,” he said, and he looked from Ryan’s shocked face back to his boyfriend. “We’re not doing that. Mike, why, why would you say that? We’re not!” His mouth was open as he breathed, as he tried to figure out where the accusation was coming from. They’d just had a fantastic weekend together, and things were finally feeling like they were back to normal. It didn’t make any sense._ _

_ _“It’s just an ad, Mike, don’t be a dick,” Ryan huffed before he looked at Jason. “You know we’re not doing anything. Jay, please,” he begged as he reached to take his boyfriend’s hand. “You don’t think that, do you?” _ _

_ _“It’s not about what Jason thinks right now, it’s about what I think,” Mike said before Jason could speak. “This ad, this whole thing happened before you shut down on me, Chester. You want to know what was wrong Thursday night? It’s this!” Mike pointed between him and Ryan. “We tried and tried, and you turned me down for weeks, and then that night we all got drunk, you didn’t have a problem getting off with Ryan. And I let it go, because we were all drunk, and Jay and I did things, too. I get that, whether it’s right or wrong. But then you picked that fight about Jason taking down our videos so you could leave out of here with Ryan for the whole night, and I’m not stupid.”_ _

_ _“God, Mike, stop,” Jason said, wishing he would listen. None of them were innocent in all of this, but Mike was making everything worse, just trying to deflect his own guilt. His stomach was uneasy as he looked between Ryan and Mike. The last thing he wanted was for it to come to a physical fight, and Ryan looked seconds away from punching Mike in the face. _ _

_ _It was an attack, and Chester could feel all of Mike’s bullets aimed right at him. “No, you know what, Jay, it’s fine,” he spit as he shifted his attention for just half a second before he glared at Mike. “That’s really what you think? You think I’d cheat and lie to you?” His hand was pressed to his bright green t-shirt before he tossed both arms in the air. “Guess I’m always just going to be a whore to you, aren’t I?” _ _

_ _He didn’t wait. Chester gnashed his teeth before he headed for the stairs. “You don’t have to worry about it anymore, Mike!” He flew up the stairs, a ball of anger and frustration and confusion overflowing inside of him as he went to his closet and flung the doors open. “I can’t believe him,” he grumbled out loud. “I’m not fucking cheating on him. Why would he ever think that!” He didn’t know, and at the moment he didn’t care._ _

_ _He took his yellow backpack down from the top shelf and opened it up. He quickly stuffed it full of clothes from the closet and then the dresser. He couldn’t stay here. Not anymore. _I knew it. He’s been looking at me like I’m filthy scum for so long, and now he’s just come out and said it. Fine. Whatever._ He rushed back down the stairs, his backpack over his shoulder as he zipped into the bathroom._ _

_ _Ryan stepped forward, glaring down at Mike. “You’re an asshole. We haven’t been cheating. We wouldn’t do that,” he snarled. Part of him really wanted to grab Mike and shake him. Maybe shake some sense into him, but he resisted. That wouldn’t do any good, and he wasn’t going to waste any time on Mike. He barely glanced Jason’s way before he spun around and headed for the bathroom to try and calm Chester down. _ _

_ _Mike’s heart was beating so fast he thought he might be sick. _Why did I do that? I’m the one who’s wrong. I should be the one feeling like shit, not Chester._ He covered his face with his hand and sighed. He’d done nothing but make it all worse. _So much for not hurting him. I can’t ever take back what I said._ He glanced at Jason, who was still next to him, but watching the bathroom. “Jay,” he whispered, but Jason put a hand up and shook his head._ _

_ _“Not now, Mike.” He stepped away from the couch and headed over to the bathroom. It was obvious that Chester was leaving, and he didn’t know if Ryan could stop him. Honestly, he didn’t think that he should. _I wanted them to break up. I guess that was one way to do it. The worst possible way, but it was efficient, if nothing else._ He pressed his lips together and stopped outside the open bathroom door. _ _

_ _“Chaz, just calm down,” Ryan was trying to suggest as he watched Chester rummage madly through the bathroom vanity, pulling out all his personal items and shoving them into his backpack. “Where are you going to go?” he asked, even though he already knew the answer. _ _

_ _“It doesn’t fucking matter,” Chester growled as he slammed the last drawer closed and turned around. He pushed by Ryan and then Jason, headed for the door before he stopped. He looked over at his kitchen, with the counters wiped down and clean, everything in place. He looked at his coffee maker and the blender, and his mind filled in the things he couldn’t see - his collection of martini glasses, and the silverware he’d picked out when he’d moved in. All the gadgets that were neatly organized and out of sight, his mixing bowls and his favorite spoons and spatulas. He couldn’t take any of it. He felt his jaw shake, and for the first time he felt a tear prick the corner of his eye. This was his home, and he was leaving it. _ _

_ _He could feel Ryan behind him, and Chester turned around, sidestepping him quickly. He marched back to Mike, who hadn’t moved. “I don’t know why you hate me so much,” Chester managed to say, keeping his composure. “I loved you. I really did.” _ _

_ _He looked up and then away, knowing his ability to keep back the emotions was fading quickly, and he didn’t want Mike to see that. He turned and headed back across the apartment and out the door. Tears hit the moment he was in the hallway. _ _

_ _Mike sank down on the couch and dropped his head into his hands. He didn’t hate Chester. He hated himself. _Is that it? Is that how we end, after everything? I did that. I’m the one that ruined us._ For the first time the impact of his decision really hit him. Chester was gone, and he wasn’t coming back, at least not tonight. Mike didn’t know if he could ever make him come back. _I didn’t do that right. I panicked. He’ll never forgive me._ He could feel Ryan and Jason still in the apartment behind him, and all he wanted was to be alone. All the plans and thoughts from earlier with Jason didn’t seem very important right now. _ _

_ _“I’m going to make sure he’s okay,” Ryan said, not bothering to whisper. He saw Jason nod, and that was it. He headed out the door, and Chester was already gone from the hallway. _Fuck. What is wrong with Mike? I can’t believe he’d accuse us - accuse Chaz! It’s like he enjoys torturing him sometimes. He was just feeling better and now this!_ He jumped on the elevator as soon as the doors opened, and managed to get down to the ground floor just in time to see Chester headed out to the parking lot. “Chester!” he called as he sprinted to catch up with him. _ _

_ _“Go away, Ry!” Chester yelled over his shoulder, his face hot with tears. He didn’t even bother to wipe them away. His backpack was over his shoulder and his keys were in hand. His focus was squarely on his little red sports car, the thought of driving away fast - really fast - was all he could think. _ _

_ _“Chester, wait!” Ryan begged as he caught up to him. “Just stop for a minute!” He reached to take Chester’s arm, but he was swatted away as Chester spun around on him. _ _

_ _“No,” he hissed, his voice rough as he finally came to a stop a few feet from his car. “You heard him, Ry. That’s what he thinks of me!” He pointed toward the building. “I told you he hates me, and now you see it. What he said…” he dropped his head and wiped a hand across his eyes. “I’m done, Ry. I’m so tired of fighting with him. I just need a break. Space,” he clarified as he put his hand out and left it on Ryan’s shirt front, and his focus followed it. “How could he really think that about me? I don’t know what I ever did to him.” _ _

_ _Ryan took Chester’s hand, and gently pulled him into a hug, sliding his arms around and under Chester’s yellow backpack. “He’s wrong. Obviously. We’ve never crossed that line. I don’t know why he said those things.” _ _

_ _Chester let himself be held, but only for a few seconds before he pulled away. He didn’t want to stand in the parking lot and cry all over Ryan’s shirt. Not again. “I’m going to Amir’s. Hopefully I can stay there till I figure out what to do.”_ _

_ _“I’ll come with you,” Ryan offered immediately, but Chester stopped him. _ _

_ _“No,” he said, his hand going back to Ryan’s chest. “I just need some time, Ry. I need to think about all this. You don’t want to be there. I’m just going to lock myself up and cry. God, that sounds pathetic. I hope Amir has ice cream,” he mumbled. _ _

_ _“Are you sure?” Ryan asked, his hand covering Chester’s as he looked into his bloodshot eyes. “I can come with you. We’ll cry together,” he offered again, but Chester shook his head, and Ryan knew that, at least for now, a wall had just gone up. “Okay,” he gave in. He kissed Chester’s hand before he let him go. “Call me later,” he requested as he watched Chester walk around and unlock his car. _ _

_ _Jason stood in the kitchen and watched the door shut behind Ryan before he walked back to Mike. He knelt on the floor in front of him, trying to see his face. “Mike?” Jason put his hand on Mike’s leg. “Mike, why? Why did you do that?” It didn’t make any sense. They’d gone from making plans to Mike losing it in the space of just a few minutes._ _

_ _“It’s one step closer to the goal, right?” Mike said bitterly. He wiped his eyes and looked at Jason. “I don’t know. You were talking about Seattle and I want all of that, I really do. But I freaked out, I just fucking lost it thinking about leaving. And then I had that ad in my hand, and I know, they’re going to end up together. So why put it off?” He wiped at his eyes again to keep the tears from falling. _ _

_ _Jason rocked back on his heels and looked at Mike. For a second he felt guilty. He knew using Mike’s irrational jealousy over Ryan’s relationship with Chester was playing dirty. There were a million ways Mike could have pushed Chester away without being so nasty about it, and for a second, Jason felt doubt settling in. If Mike could be that ugly to Chester when he claimed to love him, could Mike be that way to him? He’d been through enough of that. It was one of the things that appealed to him about Mike. He was the opposite of Mark in so many ways. “You didn’t have to be so cruel,” he finally said, knowing it would bother him if he wasn’t honest about how he felt. Mike’s anger had surprised him._ _

_ _“I know, and he’ll hate me forever for it.” Mike looked back at the floor. There were more tears coming. “I really fucked that all up, didn’t I?” _ _

_ _Jason wanted to say yes, but that wasn’t going to help anything. “It’s going to be okay,” he reassured Mike, moving to stand up._ _

_ _Mike thought about reaching for him, but changed his mind. He had made a lot of mistakes in the past few days, but grabbing Jason wasn’t going to be one of them. “I don’t want to be down here when Ryan gets back,” he said instead. “_If_ he comes back.” He stood up too, and was surprised when Jason reached out and touched his face._ _

_ _“Go lay down, I’ll take care of Ryan,” he said, stroking Mike’s beard. “It’s done now.” He watched Mike nod and walk to the stairs, wiping tears that were falling onto his cheeks. _He’ll need some space to mourn that relationship, and that’s fine. I’ve got to keep things right with Ry._ He turned and looked over the loft, bending to pick up the magazine that had ended up on the floor. _Who would have ever thought it would end up like this?_ He shook his head as he closed the magazine and set it on the coffee table, hoping Mike would get some rest before he went up to check on him later. _ _

_ _Ryan disconnected the call to Amir before he stepped into the loft. He had to call. Had to give Amir a heads up that Chester was coming, and that he was a mess. _Amir said he’d take care of him. I know he will...he’ll get him inside and be a sounding board. Fuck, why wouldn’t Chaz let me go with him?_ He glanced across the apartment as he stood by the door. He could see Jason by the couch, but didn’t see Mike anywhere, and that was a good thing._ _

_ __His ass is lucky he’s not down here._ Ryan didn’t say anything to Jason as he walked into the kitchen. _An affair. Chaz would never cheat on Mike. Okay, admittedly we’ve gotten lost a few times with each other and things have gone a little too far._ He swung around as he paced back and forth in the small space, like a tiger pacing a cage._But we always stop. We stop because we love our boyfriends. We stop because we want to be good boyfriends. We decided that a long time ago and we’ve kept that. And that ad, it was work. How could he take that ad as proof about anything? It’s not like we were there for fun. They put us in those outfits, and it looks fucking fantastic!__ _

_ _The thought was a little crushing as Ryan stopped in front of the sink. He stared down at the dark polished floor, and then he was on it as he slid down to sit, his back against the cabinets. He thought back over the last few hours. Work had been work, a day of meetings and schedules and lunch with some reps Forrest had wanted them to meet. A big part of modeling was rubbing elbows with the right people, and he and Chester did that a lot. But it was the end of the day that had been good. When Forrest Mullan had quickly reminded them that their Phenomenon ad should be waiting for them when they got home. It was a shout as Ryan and Chester had been walking out the door, an _oh, hey, boys! Don’t forget!_ moment. It had been all they’d talked about on the way home. They wanted to see the ad first, and then they’d tell Mike and Jason a little more about it, depending on which picture Phenomenon had picked. They’d talked about pouring drinks and doing a toast. Chester had been excited to cook dinner and make it special, a victory dinner of sorts. Jason had gotten a promotion just a few days before, and in a way, this was a promotion for Ryan and Chester. Their careers were expanding, and it meant more work and more money, and that was exciting. _ _

_ __But not now,_ Ryan thought as he sat on the floor in the kitchen, Chester’s favorite place in the loft. _Now he’s gone and he’s hurt and all over something that’s not even true. And he won’t let me be with him._ He looked up toward the lofted bedroom before he buried his head into his raised knees. _Because of Mike. He accused us of sleeping together...that’s why Chaz wouldn’t let me go with him. It would make us look guilty. One more thing for Mike to throw at him. That fucking bastard. I don’t know what Chaz ever saw in him. He’s controlling and downright mean to Chester. I just hope he’s okay. Amir said he’d text when Chaz got there. I don’t want him to go off and do something to himself.__ _

_ _Ryan sat for a moment, calming his mind. The last thing he wanted was to stew on possibilities that Chester would do something stupid. _He wouldn’t. He seemed more mad than crushed this time. Not like a few days ago. God, he just went through this shit with Mike, and here we are again. And Jay didn’t even say anything._ That was a new thought as Ryan kept his face buried in his knees and arms. Jason hadn’t taken his hand when he’d reached for him. He hadn’t jumped down Mike’s throat for the outlandish accusations. He hadn’t said a word to Chester, not a vote of sympathy or any kind of attempt to try and get him to stay. _He just stood there. Watching. Watching right next to Mike. He didn’t even try to defend us.__ _

_ _Jason inhaled as silently as possible. It was going to be a long evening, if Ryan was sitting on the floor of the kitchen. His lips pressed together into a thin line as he looked up at the loft. Mike was up there, hurting, and even though this was his fault, Jason felt partially responsible. _I should have told him about Seattle when we had more time to talk about it. I freaked him out, and this is what happened. Damn it, Mike. Of all the ways this could have gone._ He shook his head and started for the kitchen. Mike was going to have to wait. Ryan needed him. _ _

_ _He rounded the bar and looked into the kitchen where Ryan was sitting, and his heart stopped. Ryan looked absolutely crushed sitting there in the tight little ball, holding on to himself with his face buried. _He’s hurting, too. Anything that hurts Chaz hurts him. I should have stopped Mike._ Jason tried to push away the nagging feeling of guilt as he crouched down next to Ryan and smoothed a hand over his back for a few minutes before he spoke. “Ry? Baby? You okay?”_ _

_ _Ryan looked up, turning his head to see Jason. “He was so happy, Jay. After everything that happened the other day, he was doing better. Forrest wasn’t even upset about his hair. He actually said he liked it, and Chaz was over the moon about that.” He stopped, looking up to meet Jason’s dark eyes. “We’re not sleeping together,” he whispered. “I swear we’re not. We haven’t. Not since YRS.” _ _

_ _“I know,” Jason whispered back, petting his hand over Ryan’s hair. _I didn’t really know, not until now… after everything, he’s been faithful to me. He knew that was all I wanted from Mark. And I’ve turned around and cheated on him. Mike was right. We should have waited._ He tried to keep his voice level. “Where did he go? I’m surprised you didn’t go with him.” He didn’t want to admit just how much he believed Ryan in that moment. The despair in his eyes wasn’t something just for show, a way of covering up things. He and Chester hadn’t crossed the line, and Jason was guilty. Guilty of doing exactly that, and standing by and not saying a word while Mike hurled such hateful words. He leaned down and kissed the top of Ryan’s head. _ _

_ _“Then say something to Mike,” Ryan said with a sniff. “He listens to you.” He picked his head up and let his legs stretch out in front of him as he looked down at his lap. “He went to Amir’s. He wouldn’t let me go with him.” _ _

_ _“That’s probably best right now, don’t you think?” Jason thought about sitting on the floor next to Ryan, but he knew if he did that, they’d be sitting there for a while. “Do you want something to drink? Dinner? Come on, you can’t stay on the floor.” He stood up and put his hand out for Ryan to take. _ _

_ _Ryan stared at Jason’s hand. He didn’t really want to get up. He just wanted to stay where he was, in Chester’s kitchen. “Guess you’re not going to say anything to Mike,” he mumbled, a bit of resentment crossing his stomach. He took a hard swallow before he looked up at his boyfriend. “He needs to go. Chaz isn’t coming back, so there’s no reason for Mike to keep living here. And I’m not hungry.” _ _

_ _Jason pulled his hand back slowly. He could feel his heart beating a little faster. “I’m not going to say anything to him now, no, he’s upset. He said he wanted to be alone and he went upstairs.” Jason crossed his arms over his chest and tried to figure out what to say to Ryan’s very blunt and unexpectedly fast request for Mike to move out. Ryan had no way of knowing that was the plan, but Jason wasn’t sure they could accelerate the time table, or if Mike would even want to. He wasn’t even entirely sure looking at Ryan’s face that he’d want it all to come to an end any faster than it was going to. “And let’s not make big decisions right now while everyone is upset. You don’t know Chaz isn’t coming back. They could be texting right now.” _ _

_ _Ryan leaned his head back against the cabinet. “He’s not coming back, Jay. There’s so much going on you probably don’t know about, since you and Mike don’t talk about us,” he grumbled, Chester’s previous comment coming to mind. “He’s had enough of Mike’s bullshit, and I don’t blame him.” _ _

_ _Jason’s head went right to a familiar place. The keep-the-peace-at-all-costs place. He stifled the sigh that wanted to come with Ryan’s bitter words and stepped around him, opening the cabinet where the alcohol was kept. He pulled out the rum, then took down two glasses. “We don’t talk about the details of our relationships, if that’s what you mean,” Jason said as he stuck one glass under the ice dispenser and a few cubes dropped in. He put the glass on the counter and opened the refrigerator, snagging a coke from the top shelf. “So yeah, I don’t know what’s going on between them, but this is the first time one of them has threatened to leave. I’m sure they’ll work it out,” he said smoothly before he looked down at the top of Ryan’s head. He wanted Ryan to feel better, but he also wanted to stop talking about it. Every word he said put what he and Mike had done closer to exposure, and Jason couldn’t add anything else to Ryan’s shoulders now. He poured rum in Ryan’s glass, then half the amount in his own before he filled them both with coke._ _

_ _“Come on, get off the floor. We can go drink these on the couch, it’s much softer in there.” Jason held Ryan’s glass out for him to take. _ _

_ _Ryan took the drink, but didn’t get up. “Mike told Chaz that you guys don’t talk about us. At all.” He shut his eyes as he took a sip, his tongue curling at the strong taste. “All we do is talk about you guys when we’re together. About how things are going and what we’re looking forward to.” He kept his eyes shut as the memory of many conversations popped up. “And about problems. That night we stayed at Amir’s, he told me he felt like Mike hated him. Guess he wasn’t far from the truth.” He took another sip, opening his eyes as the warmth of the alcohol started to flush through him._ _

_ _“Mike doesn’t hate him,” Jason objected. He knew for certain that wasn’t true. In fact, Mike had gone out of his way to profess his love for Chester. “Why would he even think that? Mike loves him.” He gave up on getting Ryan off the floor and sat down across from him, his legs stretching to Ryan’s. “Mike’s always been insecure about you,” Jason said quietly, tapping his foot against Ryan’s and taking a small sip of his drink. “I think that’s all this was.” _ _

_ _Ryan tapped Jason’s foot back. “It had nothing to do with me,” he corrected before taking a longer drink. “He said it’s the way Mike looks at him, talks to him. The way he’s just mean to him sometimes and holds things against him. Things from forever ago,” Ryan stressed as he sat forward. “Stuff that wasn’t even in Chester’s control. Like, YRS kind of stuff. And all the stuff now, all the weird stuff with his pills going on now. Or was, he seems like he’s finally getting that under control, and Mike just threw that in his face, too.” _ _

_ _Jason looked at Ryan thoughtfully. “Mike’s always been on edge about YRS stuff. That’s got nothing to do with Chester, that’s all him. He never wanted to be there, Ry. Do you remember when I told you I got him signed on? You couldn’t believe it, and honestly, I couldn’t either. He’s never been like the rest of us. _If_ he’s holding that against Chaz, then I’m sure he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.” _ _

_ _“Well he is,” Ryan stated. “And Chaz feels every bit of it. Mike never should have signed onto YRS in the first place.” He stopped as a rush of heat hit his face and he looked away from Jason. He knew it was a selfish statement. He knew for a fact that Chester had enjoyed having Mike with him at the house in the hills, and that Mike had single handedly kept Mark away from him countless times. _But other things were bad because Mike was there._ “It doesn’t matter now,” Ryan mumbled as he stared down into his glass. “Mike should fucking apologize to Chaz for being such a dick, but it’s probably better they’re broken up.” _ _

_ _“Broken up?” Jason echoed. “Did Chaz tell you that? That he’s through, for sure?” It wasn’t the way he expected it to happen, but Mike had been right about one thing. If Chester was truly done, then they were one step closer to really being together. He reminded himself that was what he wanted as he kept his face neutral and looked at Ryan. His drink was almost gone. “Don’t people usually try to work things out?” _ _

_ _“Like I said, he’s not coming back,” Ryan grumbled. “He’s done, Jay. They’ve _been_ working things out, and he’s tired of trying. He’s done.” Ryan turned his head to look over the kitchen, at the cabinets and the bit of the counter he could see. “He’ll come get his stuff, but that’s it. They’ve been through a lot, Jason. At some point, it’s just not good anymore, and Mike accusing him..us..of sleeping together behind your backs is just ridiculous. The last straw. I’m going to miss him.” _ _

_ _Jason let out a breath. “I know, baby. It’s going to be different.” He leaned forward and took Ryan’s glass to refill it. They were both silent while he moved around the kitchen space and fixed another drink. He’d barely touched his, but Ryan didn’t seem to have noticed. _He’s so wrapped up in this right now he wouldn’t know if I was drinking straight coke. I should have done that._ Jason rolled his eyes at himself with his back to Ryan. _You’d think I’d never done this before._ _ _

_ _He put the glass back in Ryan’s hand and sat down next to him. “Are you two supposed to work tomorrow?” he asked, rubbing Ryan’s leg as he leaned into him. “I know when Chaz gets like this he kind of shuts down. Do you need to call anyone?” _ _

_ _“We don’t have to go in tomorrow. Not until Thursday, I think. We have to go in to get stuff ready for Pride Week.” Ryan took another drink just as his phone dinged with a text message, and his heart skipped a beat. He wanted it to be Chester, but he was just as relieved to see Amir’s name on the screen. _ _

_ _**Amir** _Chaz is here. He’s taking a shower. I’ll tell him to text you when he gets out._ _ _

_ _Ryan sat his drink down on the floor as he typed back. “Thank God he got to Amir’s okay,” he whispered. “I was worried he might do something desperate. Even though I think he was more mad than anything. And it’s about damn time. He’s done enough begging for Mike’s love.” He hit send, telling Amir thank you, before pocketing his phone and picking his drink back up. He was really starting to feel the alcohol as he leaned against Jason’s shoulder. “Amir has great closets. Chazzy loves them.”_ _

_ _“That’s good,” Jason said softly. Ryan’s words about Chester begging for Mike’s love stuck in his thoughts. He tried to keep himself from thinking back, wondering if he was the problem and the reason Chester felt that way. _Maybe it’s much farther back, before things started with me and Mike. Maybe he’s always felt that way._ It surprised him how little he knew about Mike’s relationship with Chester. He only knew what he’d seen at YRS, and then once they all started living together. _But that’s not any indication of what their relationship was like. We’ve all been lax for months. I know things were good with them at some point. Just like things were good with Ry. Mike got everything started, my part will be easier. By the time I break up with Ry, he’ll be so involved in taking care of Chaz he might not even care._ He closed his eyes for a moment, knowing that was a lie. Lying to himself wasn’t going to make anything better. Trying to pretend Ryan wouldn’t be devastated when they broke up, that either of them could just neatly walk away without bruised hearts, was ridiculous. _We’ve been together longer than Mike and Chaz have. It’s going to be awful._ Jason turned his head and kissed Ryan’s hair again. “You’re so upset. It’s going to be okay.” _ _

_ _“I know,” Ryan admitted between sips. “I’m really going to miss him being here. He’s my friend,” he whined as all the things he and Chester liked to do together came to mind. Things that had happened more often since they’d moved in together. “Since he’s been with Mike, I haven’t gotten to spend much time with him,” he said, even though he’d said such things to Jason before, in between their hard and fast meetings at YRS. “Mike wouldn’t let us. And since we’ve all been together, it’s been a lot better. You guys did your thing and we did ours, and now...now God knows where he’s going to end up.” He took another drink, mourning the loss of that part of their friendship. _ _

_ _“He’ll be fine,” Jason soothed, even though he really didn’t know what was going to happen. He knew that he needed to find a place for Mike quickly, but their trip to Seattle wasn’t for another ten days. _I’ll look online at work. We’ll have an idea before we go up there, we might even be able to make deposits and look for furniture, if we do it right._ “You still have work, that’s a lot of time you spend together. And if Chester’s on his own, you guys can do dinner once in a while, or whatever. I’m okay with that. I don’t mind.” _ _

_ _Ryan sat himself up straight as he stared at Jason. It was clear his boyfriend didn’t understand. Spending time together at work, wasn’t spending time together. And dinner once in a while wouldn’t be enough. It was hard to ignore the sour feeling that was slowly washing over him, the nagging thought that Jason not only didn’t understand, but he didn’t really care, either. “Yeah,” Ryan agreed as he went to get up. _ _

_ _His head rushed the moment he got to his feet, and he grabbed onto the counter to steady himself. His glass was empty. Usually two rum and Cokes wasn’t enough to do him in, but they’d been strong, and as Ryan took a few steps forward, he realized quickly just how drunk he was. “I, I need to lay down,” he said, turning to look with blurry eyes towards the bed in the corner. “I think I drank too much too fast.”_ _

_ _Jason scrambled up from the floor. “You haven’t eaten, either,” he reminded his boyfriend as he took his arm. “I’ll help you.” He pressed a kiss to Ryan’s cheek as they walked across the small space and got to the bed. “Take your shoes off,” he reminded Ryan as he sat down and looked like he was about to collapse onto the blanket. _ _

_ _It was a mess. One shoe, then the other, all in jerky movements and an odd mix of giggles and groans. Ryan’s head was light, and his eyes were fluttering as he finally laid down on the bed, his head hitting his pillow. “I’ll just stay here for a little bit and then I’ll get something to eat,” he mumbled with his eyes closed. “Maybe Chaz will call.” _ _

_ _Jason smoothed Ryan’s hair back. “I’ll wake you up if he calls,” he promised, leaning down to kiss Ryan’s lips. “It’s going to be fine, baby, I promise.” He paused, looking down at Ryan, thinking about all of the damage being done to people he loved. Ryan, Chester, Mike… they were all broken right now, and it was because of him. Things he’d set in motion from that one voice note of Mark’s. Things he was placing hope in only because Mark had such an eye for couples. As he looked down at the pain on Ryan’s face, Jason started to wonder if Mark was right after all, and the feeling that it was too late to stop it all from unraveling was crushing._ _

_ _“Okay,” Ryan agreed, but his mind was already shutting down, thoughts of Chester heavy on him. He wanted him to call. He wanted to hear that things were okay at Amir’s. He wanted Chester to say he needed him, and he could leave to go sit with his friend through what Ryan knew was going to be a very hard night. _I should be there. I should be with him._ It was a fading thought as his body relaxed, and the exhaustion of the last few hours really hit him. _ _

_ _Jason sat on the couch, watching Ryan’s face until he knew that sleep had come. _I don’t know if he’ll really sleep all night. Maybe he will. I should check on Mike. I’ve got to balance this. I have to make sure they’re both okay. It’s all my fault, anyway. No, it’s all Mark’s fault._ He looked over his shoulder and up at the loft bedroom. He figured he had a few hours at least before Ryan would be up. He watched the rise and fall of Ryan’s easy breaths for a few more minutes, then got up and ascended the stairs._ _

_ _Mike was laying on the bed, his flannel next to him and his arms at his side as he stared at the ceiling. The blanket was rumpled, like it wasn’t the first position he’d been laying in. Jason walked over to the bed and Mike’s head turned toward him, his eyes red and puffy from crying. He hesitated and Mike’s eyes squeezed shut, tears dripping from the corners, and Jason crawled onto the bed. “Sweetheart,” he whispered, his hand resting on Mike’s chest. “It’s going to be okay.” The sight of Mike’s tears was heartbreaking._ _

_ _Mike reached for Jason’s hand. “I didn’t want to hurt him, Jay. You were right. I was unnecessarily mean. I’ve been laying here thinking about what I said, and what I should have said, and, and, he’s probably never going to talk to me again.” He brushed away the tears that were steadily falling. “I texted him. I told him I was sorry. He’s not going to text me back.”_ _

_ _Jason looked at Mike’s phone on the bed and resisted the urge to pick it up. “You need to give both of you time, Mike. He’s angry and hurt. Maybe you can talk it out later, but…” He held Mike’s hand a little tighter. “You’re not going to try to get him back, right? I mean, this _is_ what you wanted, right?” Their eyes met in the dim lamplight._ _

_ _“I didn’t want it like this,” Mike said simply. “I didn’t want to take everything we had and make it like it meant nothing.”_ _

_ _Jason pressed his lips together in thought before he laid down next to Mike and put his arm around him. He pulled Mike in close and kissed his neck softly, trying to think of the right things to say when he was so mixed up himself. “I know it hurts right now, and you said some things you regret. Once you get some distance from it, and Chaz, too, you’ll be able to remember the good stuff and not the bad. You might even end up being friends if you talk it out. You’re being so hard on yourself.”_ _

_ _“You told me I was cruel,” Mike whined, another tear falling to the pillow. “I don’t feel like myself at all right now. I’m not a cheater. I’m not a mean person. I’m so mixed up inside.” _ _

_ _“I know.” Jason dropped a few more soft kisses to the side of Mike’s face, kissed away the salty tear at the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. It will get better. We’re going to have everything, everything you want. I want to give you the world. This, what you’re feeling right now, it’s only temporary.” He smoothed his fingers over Mike’s chest, petting down the t-shirt he still had on. _Is all this heartbreak and pain going to be worth it, hon? I’m counting on you to come through. I’m counting on your way of seeing people to make this all worth it._ Jason could almost hear Mark’s response, his assurances, his pride that Jason was following the path he’d seen for all of them. “We’ll get through it and we’ll be together, and I promise I’ll spend every day making you happy. Making you proud to be with me.” _I have to. I have to make this all worth it.__ _

_ _Mike turned his head to Jason’s seeking lips, meeting him softly. They shared a slow, deep kiss, a seal of their promises to each other. Mike lifted his hand to Jason’s neck, pulling him closer, his kiss bordering on desperation before it broke and he pleaded, “I don’t think I could stand it if something happened to us, Jay. Promise me you’ll leave him, like you said. Don’t leave me alone.”_ _

_ _Jason grazed his lips over Mike’s. “Let’s get things on solid ground, and then, yes, I’ll leave him. We’ll be together in Seattle like we’ve planned.” He sucked Mike’s bottom lip into his mouth, the twinge of desire twisting in his stomach. Jason could taste the salt and the sorrow on Mike’s lips, and he wanted to make it better. He’d been the one to coax Mike into their friendship becoming more, becoming what it was meant to be, and the panic and fear Mike felt with everything coming unraveled around them was his fault, too. “Just a few weeks, sweetheart.” He gently stroked Mike’s hair away from his face. “I promise, that’s all.”_ _

_ _Mike closed his eyes and nodded. _Ches left me. I said awful things, and he left me. Jason has to leave Ryan. I can’t even think about what it will be like if he doesn’t. He said he was falling in love with me. He won’t stay with Ryan if he’s falling in love with me. He can’t.__ _

_ _“I think you should go shower while Ry’s passed out,” Jason suggested carefully. “I’ll stay with you as long as I can, okay?” He kissed the corner of Mike’s mouth. “Be quick, and I’ll get mine, too, so I can lay with you.”_ _

_ _“Okay.” Mike took a deep breath, collecting himself before Jason let him go. “I’m hungry, too,” he whined, sitting up and wiping his hands over his face._ _

_ _“I’ll take care of it. Go get cleaned up, you’ll feel better.” Jason twisted around on the bed and dug his phone from his pocket. It was good that Mike was following his directions, moving around the room to collect pajamas. “I’ll order us something.”_ _

_ _Mike nodded, his heart still feeling heavy despite Jason’s promises. “I’ll eat anything,” he said before he disappeared down the steps. He looked at Ryan, motionless on the bed and a stab of regret hit him instantly. If he’d broken up with Chester the right way, Ryan would be with him now. Making sure he didn’t drink too much, drive too fast, or hurt himself. _Too late, now. He’s here because I accused them of doing what I’m doing. And Ches is alone and hurting because of it._ He bit back the tears that wanted to come again, trying to focus his thoughts on showering, on food, on the comfort of Jason’s presence. _At least for now. He’s mine until Ryan wakes up._ With that sobering thought in mind, he stepped into the bathroom, resolving to be quick so he could go back to his lover’s side while he still could. _ _

_ _****  
TBC_ _


	24. Cut in Pieces

Chester checked his watch before he looked back at his line of shirts hanging in the closet in the upstairs bedroom of the loft. He checked his watch again, and then he pulled another shirt down, folding it neatly and dropping it into the bag. 

“Stop it,” Ryan called from the dresser. “We have plenty of time before they get home.” 

Chester looked over, the next shirt already in his hands. “I don’t want to fucking see him, Ry.” 

“And you won’t have to,” Ryan promised as he took a stack of folded joggers from the dresser. He briefly glanced through the various colors and styles before he decided they were all Chester’s. He dropped them into the bag he was working with, which was already almost full. “We’ll have you out of here in no time and back over to Amir’s.” 

“Good. I don’t know what I’d even say to him. Nothing. I don’t want to say anything to him.” Chester’s eyebrows pulled together in a scowl. It had been three days since his breakup with Mike. Three days since Mike had accused him and Ryan of cheating, and three days since Chester last saw his ex-boyfriend. Now it was finally time to get his stuff from the loft, and officially move on. “I should have done this days ago,” he grumbled, pulling more shirts from the hangers.

“You’ve been in bed for the last three days,” Ryan reminded him as he took a pile of underwear out of the dresser next, flipping through them, just to make sure they were Chester’s. _The last thing he needs is for me to accidentally put a pair of Mike’s underwear in his stuff. I think Mike wears boxers though._ He opened the next drawer, and sure enough there were two neatly stacked piles of boxer shorts. Ryan slammed the drawer closed. “What about the furniture?” he asked, turning around and scanning the bedroom. There wasn’t much - the bed, and the two nightstands. The dresser, and the television mounted on the wall. Ryan scratched his head as he tried to recall what was and what wasn’t Chester’s.

“It’s all Jason’s,” Chester admitted, his heart sinking a little as he scanned the half-empty closet. “It’s been nice,” he said softly, his piss and fire attitude from only minutes ago fading. His emotions had been amuck for the last three days, going from sad and heartbroken, to downright angry when it came to thinking about Mike and how things had gone. His therapist had gently pointed out that Chester had lost more that day than his boyfriend, and he needed to give himself time to accept and process all the casualties that went with it. Not only did he lose his boyfriend, but he lost his home, and his living situation with Ryan, which she had pointed out was very significant in Chester’s support system. He’d gone from living on his own, to staying in someone’s guest bedroom, so he’d lost his independence, and with his relationship ending, he’d lost the dreams and future plans he’d emotionally invested in as well.

It was a lot, and Chester wasn’t coping with it very well. His moods were unstable minute to minute, and that was making everything twice as bad. “None of this is mine,” Chester stated again, pulling down four shirts at once, and folding them all together. “The bed, the dresser, closet, the couch, it’s all Mark’s and Jason’s. Or, just Jason’s,” he corrected quickly. He glanced over at Ryan. “You guys will be sleeping up here now.” His eyes drifted over to the bed; it was neatly made, the corners of the red and black flannel blanket tucked and pulled, just the way he liked it, and Chester’s heart hurt. _He’s still making the bed just like we always did. The way I like it. The way I showed him._

He looked down, shoving his hand across his face. He didn’t want to cry. He felt like he’d already cried enough over the last three days to last him a lifetime. He stared down at his black and white sneakers, and the way his jeans barely fell over the top of them. He tried to focus on how important it was to finish getting his stuff, so he could leave the loft and never come back, but it wasn’t that easy. 

Ryan watched as Chester got very quiet, very still. He stepped across the space, to meet him in front of the closet. He wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him close. “It’s okay, Chazzy,” he whispered as he kissed the soft, curly blonde mohawk going down the middle of his head. “You can do this. You’re so strong,” he encouraged. “Come on, keep going.” 

Ryan took a step back, and he waited as Chester nodded, and took the next shirt from the closet. “Baby steps, Chaz. We got this.” He smiled before he decided maybe changing the subject would help. The less they talked about Mike, the better. “So how’s it going over at Amir’s?” he asked, as he decided to stay at the closet and help. It was packed to the brim, and Chester’s progress was slow. “And I mean how it _really_ is, not just the nice answer you gave me in front of him the other day.” 

“It’s okay,” Chester answered, his voice already pulling up out of the doldrums. “I can’t wait to hang up all my clothes in the closet. Actually, I think all of my stuff could probably fit in that closet.” 

It was the first time Ryan had seen Chester really smile in days. “I bet you could. It’s huge!” 

“I know. I love it. I just leave the closet doors open and lay on the bed and stare at it. It’s like my happy place.” Chester looked over at Ryan, at the way he was pulling the next shirt off and carefully folding it. His dark hair kept falling over his eyes, and brushing against the dark scruff on his jawline. _He’s so handsome...and I know he doesn’t know it._ Chester reached over, touching the sleeve of Ryan’s dark shirt. “Ry?” he called softly, and the moment he saw Ryan’s piercing blue eyes look his way, he felt his insides lift. “Thanks for doing this with me.” 

“You don’t have to thank me, Chaz, I want to be here.” He leaned forward, and pecked a soft kiss to Chester’s closed lips. “Now, finish spilling the dirt about Amir’s,” he said playfully as they both turned back to the job at hand. 

“Noah’s been there every single day,” Chester told him. “Having coffee and eating dinner with us. Amir says it’s only because I’m there, and Noah’s trying to help, or whatever...but I don’t know.” 

“They have gotten really friendly,” Ryan agreed as he pulled down the last shirt. “I never would have thought someone like Noah would get to Amir. He’s usually all over the exotic looking guys. Bad boys and people who don’t want anything other than a good bang.” 

“I used to be like that. We both were,” Chester reminded him as he dropped to his knees and started pulling his shoes out from the bottom of the closet. “My name was _Charlie Bang_ afterall.” 

“I know,” Ryan said with an eye roll. “I don’t ever want to be like that again. Looking back now, fuck, we were reckless.” 

Chester nodded as Ryan crouched down with him. “I owe that to Mike, pulling me out of that pattern. He was so...starry-eyed, you know?” He turned and met Ryan’s eyes for a minute. “I wasn’t looking for anything other than a hot date, and he had us going on picnics and feeding ducks and holding hands, but not actually having sex.” Chester stopped, the memory of his first time being intimate with Mike popping into his head. It wasn’t just _their_ first time, but Mike’s very first time. “It was really good for awhile,” Chester mumbled as he and Ryan placed the pairs of shoes into a box they’d brought upstairs with them. “He started to change after YRS.” 

“It changed all of us,” Ryan mumbled. “And Mike was lucky to have you as his first. I hope he knows that.” 

Chester shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now. He lied to me, Ry.” He paused for a minute, trying to stay calm as he smoothed his fingers over the bright green shoelaces that were laced through a pair of his sneakers. “That night that I had that really bad nightmare, he told me that if something happened, and I never wanted to have sex again, that he’d love me anyway. That it wouldn’t matter because he loves me...but that wasn’t true. Six weeks, Ryan, it only took six weeks for him to hold it against me and start accusing me of sleeping around with other people.” 

Ryan dropped the last pair of shoes in the box before he leaned over it to kiss the side of Chester’s fuzzy scalp. “It’s over now, Chaz. He’s not worth torturing yourself over. You didn’t do anything wrong. And I didn’t either.” He waited till he saw Chester nod, and then they stood up together, their knees aching from the hardwood floor. Ryan scanned the room. “Anything else? You want the blankets?” 

“No,” Chester answered as he stood staring at the bed. “I bought those for Mike. He can keep them.” 

Ryan picked up the box of shoes and set it on the bed with a huff. “Amir’s closet isn’t going to know what hit it,” he teased before he turned to the nightstand and opened the drawer. “What about in here?” he asked, before he realized what he was looking at - lube, a blindfold, a pair of zebra print fuzzy cuffs, a lacy pair of pink panties, and the black leather spiked collar. 

Chester moved to stand beside Ryan, looking down into the drawer. “I never let him put those cuffs on me,” he said, even though Ryan hadn’t asked. “We actually bought those for him. We didn’t use them very often.” He reached in the drawer and pulled out the collar, his hand shaking as he held it up. He stared at the shiny silver buckle, and the bulleted spikes that he loved the look of. He could feel the leather between his fingers, and his hand slowly went to his throat, his eyes stinging with tears. “I actually liked it a lot when we first bought it,” he said, his voice trembling. “But he would get so crazy on me, which was good until it was too much. And I, I, I…” 

Ryan gently pulled Chester into his arms. The moment their bodies touched, Chester’s knees buckled and Ryan caught his weight. “It won’t happen again, Chazzy. Never again.” He held him for the few seconds it took for Chester to regain his footing, the collar squeezed tightly in his fist. “Come on,” Ryan said, coaxing Chester towards the stairs. “Come on.” 

“Where are we going?” 

“We’re going to put an end to this right now.” He didn’t explain more as he helped Chester down the stairs. He kept his arm looped around Chester’s back as they crossed to the kitchen, and Ryan took the collar from his hand. He glared at it, before he slammed it down on the cutting board sitting on the counter. “Get your sharpest knife,” he said, pointing down at the restraint. “Let’s chop this fucking thing up.” 

Chester was frozen, his eyes bouncing from the collar to Ryan’s determined face. “What?”

“Let’s get rid of it. Let’s destroy it, so it can never hurt you again, and Mike will never be able to put it on anyone else.” He stopped, knowing he sounded harsh, and the immediate expression on Chester’s face told him he’d gone too far. “Chester,” he whispered as he reached out and put both hands on his friend’s shoulders. “I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just saying that it hasn’t done any good. I know it haunts you,” he said, one hand lifting to trace a light finger down Chester’s neck. “And I know Mike didn’t hurt you on purpose, but it’s obvious he can’t control himself, and that collar isn’t helping.”

“I don’t ever want anything around my neck again,” Chester confirmed, and he saw the acknowledgement in Ryan’s eyes. They both knew it. The collar had left an invisible scar on Chester forever. He didn’t say anything else as he turned away and headed for the wooden block on the counter, where his best knives were sliced inside. He pulled the biggest one out. “I want to,” he stated as he lined the knife up with the collar. _This ends it. It’s done after this. I’m getting my stuff, and I’m moving on._

It only took a few minutes and a few hard cuts with the intensely sharp kitchen tool, and the leather strap was cut in four places. Ryan scooped the pieces up before he leaned over and kissed Chester on his flushed cheek. “You did the right thing,” he said, squeezing the bits of leather in his hand. “I’ll take this back upstairs, why don’t you start on the kitchen. That’s really going to take forever.” 

“Nonsense,” Chester answered, a happier flip in his voice as he opened the first cabinet and beamed at his favorite mixing bowl. “I know exactly what’s mine in here...everything.” His giddy expression faded for a second as he spun around and watched as Ryan was already headed across the room. “Ry! I mean, if I take it all, it will leave you guys with nothing!” 

“If it’s yours, take it, Chazzy. You don’t owe any of us anything!” Ryan shouted back before he darted up the stairs. He thought he would put the _collar_ back where it had been safely hidden in the drawer, but as he stood looking around the room, he decided on something else. 

He stood beside the bed, and held his hands out, letting the pieces of leather fall to the flannel blankets. “There,” he said with a feeling of relief, “that’s been long overdue.” He turned and picked up the box with Chester’s shoes in it, and headed back downstairs.

**** 

Jason walked into the loft, tugging at his tie as he moved his head left to right and back again. His bag was still on his shoulder as he came to an abrupt halt and his fingers stopped loosening the knot. Directly in front of him, where he should be able to see the coffee maker, there was empty counter space. He took a cautious step forward and looked around the kitchen. It was impeccably clean, as always, with a complete absence of the _stuff_ that made the apartment look inhabited. The kitchen was completely bare, and Jason knew instantly exactly what that meant.

He dug in his pocket for his phone and looked at his text thread with Ryan. It had been light all day. One word answers and long pauses. _He didn’t even tell me. I can’t believe him._

Jason dropped his bag on the counter and his phone next to it. He opened the first cabinet door. It was empty, wiped clean. He opened another and was met with the same view. He pulled out the drawer where the silverware was kept and it, too, was empty. “Fuck!” he said to nobody. The loft was empty and still. He didn’t even bother to open the rest of the cabinets and drawers. Chester had been there and he’d left with everything that belonged to him. The reality of that wasn’t something he’d been totally unprepared for, he just didn’t think it would happen so quickly. _Ry’s right. He’s not coming back. It’s only been three days. Three completely miserable, awful days. But that’s all. Chaz hasn’t responded to anything Mike has sent him._

As selfish as it was, there was a part of him that was relieved that Chester was ignoring Mike. It was hard right now, but it would be harder if the two of them bounced back and forth between breaking up and being together. Jason hadn’t been entirely sure Chester had it in him to be so decisive, and he was impressed the other man was standing his ground. The past few days Mike had been going through the motions of his life, getting up and going to work, then coming home and crawling into bed. Ryan and Mike refused to occupy the same space, so Jason had been making trips upstairs to check on Mike, take him dinner, and talk with him a little. It hadn’t been easy going back and forth between Ryan and Mike with Mike as emotional and clingy as he was. Keeping the balance between time with him and time with Ryan was exhausting. _And then Ryan, every chance he gets he’s telling me Mike needs to move out. This next week can’t go by fast enough._

He leaned against the counter and looked out over the loft. All of Mike’s paintings were still there, and Jason knew this would be a new source of distress. Some of them had been created specifically for Chester, and even though Jason understood why Chester would leave them behind, it would just be one more stab to Mike’s already broken heart. _There’s no easy way for Mike to come home to this. God. I wish I could get him out of here now. Our trip to Seattle can’t come fast enough._

The day after Chester left, Jason purchased flights, reserved a hotel, and contacted a realtor. It would be better to have one ready if Mike leaned more toward a house than an apartment, and Jason wanted to be prepared. He wanted to show Mike he had it all together, that it was going to be a smooth transition. All he had to do was keep Ryan calm enough about Mike staying in the loft. He just needed time to get everything squared away in Seattle so they could move Mike’s stuff. _I’ll get Mike up there, and then Ry and I can talk, like adults. I’ll tell him it’s okay to go be with Chaz. He’ll know I’m right. I know he can feel that we’re different than we were. Maybe he’ll be relieved it’s over._

Jason played with his promise ring with the thumb of his left hand, thinking about the night Ryan had given it to him. _Oh, Ry. I’m sorry it’s come down to this._ So much had happened since the moment Ryan declared his love in front of all their friends.That night had truly been the beginning of the end. He closed his eyes, remembering how he’d stupidly walked into Mark’s wrath and tried to fight his way out of it. He felt his hands become clammy at the memory. _You could have just let me go, hon. None of the rest of this would have ever happened. Me and Mike, we would have never known, but you wouldn’t let me go. You wanted to keep me all to yourself, and this is how it’s turned out._

The door to the loft opened and Mike came in, bringing Jason abruptly out of his mental conversation with Mark. His eyes flashed over to his lover. Mike looked worn out, his hair messy and eyes tired. His t-shirt was wrinkled and Jason was almost sure the flannel he had on was the one he’d worn yesterday. Their eyes met and there was a hint of happiness in Mike’s dark eyes that twisted Jason’s stomach in knots. Mike would know soon enough that Chester had left for good, and nothing Jason could do would soften that blow. 

“Hey,” Mike offered quietly as Jason stepped toward him. “What are you doing in the kitchen? Did you just walk in?” He let Jason smooth his hair back and they kissed, light and simple.

“I haven’t been here long. Maybe five minutes,” Jason answered. “You look so tired, sweetheart. You’re not sleeping, are you?” He could hear the worry in his voice. It was part concern for Mike’s health, and part concern that he’d underestimated how much Mike was still in love with Chester.

“Not really.” Mike turned and headed across the loft to put down his bag. 

It was his routine, and Jason watched as Mike set the bag next to his keyboard, the way he’d done every day since he’d gone back to Red Pelican Music. 

Mike had his phone in his hand as he turned around and called across the loft, “ideas for dinner? Maybe we can decide and get something ordered before I take a shower. I just want to lay down.”

“Not sure,” Jason responded carefully. “I’m not sure if Ryan’s going to be here for dinner or not.” He waited for Mike to come back to the bar and watched him lean both elbows on the counter while he looked at his phone.

“Oh yeah? Did he text you?” Mike asked bitterly. He’d been trying to get Chester to respond to him for days with no success. 

“Not yet. But, well… I just think he might not be back for a while.” He cleared his throat and decided to just come out with the news. “I think he and Chaz came and took Chaz’s stuff out of the loft today.”

Mike looked up from his phone. “What?” He knew exactly what Jason said, but it was almost incomprehensible. “Already?” His eyes flicked over Jason’s shoulder to the bare counters in the kitchen. He hadn’t even noticed when he walked in. “All of it?” 

“I don’t know. I think so. I’ve only been in the kitchen, I didn’t go upstairs. Everything in here’s gone.” Jason motioned over the cabinets with his hand. “I’m pretty sure that means they got it all. Ryan didn’t even tell me they were doing it today.”

“Of course he didn’t,” Mike grumbled. “He knew you’d tell me. Not that it would have made any difference,” he said, the fire going out of his tone as his shoulders slumped. “I wouldn’t have been here to stop him anyway. I had a full day.”

Jason looked at Mike’s defeated posture and took a deep breath. “Would you have wanted to stop him? I can’t figure you out, Mike. You’ve been all over the place with this.”

Mike looked up sharply. “Well, how do you think you’d react if breaking up with Ryan had happened so suddenly? And so hatefully? I know it’s my fault, and I said a bunch of stuff I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t think he’d just walk out so easily. He won’t even take a phone call for me to tell him I‘m sorry. Just. Nothing.” He walked around the bar and systematically opened every cabinet door, as if Jason were lying. “I don’t know, Jay. Maybe I’m not wrong about them. Ches doesn’t seem to want to give me an opportunity to apologize. Maybe he was ready to go.”

Jason stopped himself from arguing with Mike. He knew Ryan wasn’t sleeping with Chester. He’d known it the moment Ryan slumped down on the kitchen floor when Chester left. But telling Mike that wasn’t going to help anything right now. He didn’t want to say anything that would take them backwards. He watched Mike check every cabinet and every drawer before he turned around and looked over the loft. “I’m pretty sure it’s all gone. He’s not coming back, and I don’t know why he won’t answer your texts or your calls, but you’ve got to believe it’s better this way. At some point you’ll get to say your thing to him, but it’s going to be on his terms. When he’s ready. Let this play out, Mike. It was going to eventually anyway, right?”

Mike didn’t say anything. Everything else about the downstairs that he could see was the same as it had been since Jason and Ryan moved in. Every bit of his artwork was where it had been since Chester picked out a spot and hung it on the wall. There was nothing except the absence of what amounted to the entire kitchen to indicate that things were amiss, and he dreaded going upstairs. He had no idea what he would find. In his mind he saw a stripped down bed, his clothes in heaps on the floor where they’d been carelessly tossed while Chester retrieved his own belongings. His frustration and anger and sadness all pooled together in his stomach as he thought about crossing the apartment and meeting the reality of it all head on. “You’re right,” he said quietly, somewhat in Jason’s direction. “It was going to happen. I just didn’t think it would happen like this. I thought we’d at least part on good terms. I fucked that all up.”

He didn’t wait for Jason’s response. He left his phone on the bar and went for the stairs, determined to just get it over with. He couldn’t change anything now, and he might as well deal with whatever Chester had left him. The urge to take the stairs quickly was there but he pushed it down and took a deep breath, trying to get his competing emotions under control. He couldn’t decide if he was angry that Chester had taken all of his stuff without a word, relieved to avoid the confrontation, or just bitterly sad that it had all come to this. He closed his eyes to take the last two steps, his hand clutching the railing.

Whatever he’d been expecting - chaos, retaliation, total upheaval - was totally absent when he opened his eyes. Everything about the bedroom looked completely normal, as though he and Chester had gotten up, gone to work, and everything was waiting for their return. Mike stood at the top of the stairs and looked around quickly, but he didn’t see anything out of place. He forced his heavy legs to move to the dresser and he opened Chester’s drawers one at a time, feeling the numb, empty feeling start to crawl through his limbs as he looked at the vacancies. This morning the drawers had been stuffed, crammed full of his boyfriend’s belongings. Now all of that stuff was gone. Wiped clean, like it had never been there. He opened another drawer and was met with the sight of his boxers, neatly folded and stacked the way they always were.

Mike checked every drawer and went to the closet. He opened the double doors and stood there, his heart pinched in his chest as he looked at the vast emptiness. His own shirts were still pushed to the far side, the small space they’d occupied looking particularly lonely without Chester’s array of different shirts, jackets, belts, and pants. He felt cold looking at all the space in Chester’s beloved closet. His own flannels and folded hoodies were lifeless, devoid of the personality that Chester’s sense of fashion had provided. 

He left the doors open and backed up to sit on the bed, his knees feeling a little unsteady. _He really did it. He took everything. All of it._ He felt the sting of tears again and it frustrated him. It felt like all he’d done for days was cry. His hands felt the familiar fabric of the red and black blanket, the one Chester had surprised him with so long ago, and that was it. The hot stream of tears started again, choking his throat with emotions that he didn’t want to feel anymore. It was obvious that Chester had left behind anything that would remind him of Mike. _He’s just going to erase me. Like it never happened._

Mike kicked off his shoes, ready to curl up on the bed and nurse his regrets for the rest of the evening. He turned to grab his pillow, and his eyes landed on something he wasn’t expecting. Right in the center of the bed, camouflaged by the black patterns on the blanket, was something he recognized immediately. He reached out and picked up the collar, surprise rippling through him when he realized it was in pieces. Mike wiped his face and leaned over, picking up the four studded pieces of leather left behind. His body felt the way he imagined it would feel to drown. He couldn’t get any air into his struggling lungs as it all hit him at once, sharp and clear like a laser beam.

_This is why. Everything that went wrong between us, it’s this._ His mind clicked through memories of the collar rapidly, all the way from the exciting day they’d brought it home, the first time he’d buckled it around Chester’s pale neck. The way Chester had responded to his light tugs, and the way over time it had become more and more of a focal point in their sex life. A symbol of how everything changed from making love to fucking like they were in front of the camera. A broken symbol of how _he’d_ changed. 

It was overwhelming to hold the pieces in his hand now, realizing the power it had over Chester, and how he’d abused that power with no more thought than asking for toast to go with his eggs. They’d both fallen into the trap, Chester unwilling or unable to say no, and Mike not knowing his own strength. _It wasn’t that I didn’t care. I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how much I let this take over. It was controlling me, too._ The hard thoughts kept flowing in, real thoughts that made Mike feel sick. _The last time, when I hurt him, that was the last time we had sex before he started therapy. And before that… I can’t even remember the last time we made love. Really took our time and worshipped each other._ The thought that he’d done that two nights after the aggressive handcuff shoot at YRS crossed his mind and lodged heavier stones in his stomach. _We made love that night. Or he made love to me. Because I’d hurt him. All I’ve done for months is hurt him, and he never said a word. Not until that nightmare._

Mike felt the fear grip his insides. _Am I part of those nightmares? Is that why he wouldn’t tell me? I did this, I ruined it, I made it easy for him to walk away. He gave me chance after chance to prove myself and I saw what I wanted to see. Ryan didn’t do anything other than treat him gently. No wonder Ches wants him. I fucked this up. I changed._ The thought that he might not be able to pull it back was terrifying. _Jason. What if I ruin things with Jason, too?_

The first real heavy sob escaped. It was all crashing down on him now. He could try to blame his changes on YRS, on Mark’s encouragements in front of the camera, but that didn’t excuse what he’d done. How on screen had bled into off screen, how his need and drive to prove Chester was his changed his entire approach to intimacy. If he wasn’t proving Chester was his on screen, he was determined to take him back at home, and it had all spiraled dangerously to the moment that it became too much. The moment he’d left marks all on his own, left Chester tender and abused. He remembered the way he’d pushed away Mark’s accusations of abuse in the office that day. Telling himself it wasn’t abuse if he was in love. 

With a horrible moment of clarity he realized he was no better than Mark, abusing Jason and calling it love. Jason stood in the kitchen downstairs and justified Mark’s tattoo as his desire to possess him, to claim ownership. Jason had blatantly reminded Mike that he, too, had marked someone he claimed to love. Mike had been so adamant that he would never make those mistakes again, and now he had no idea if he was even capable of recognizing when things had gone too far. He hadn’t been able to see it with Chester when it was happening. The cut up leather collar he held in his hand right now was proof he had no self-control. 

Jason didn’t hesitate to take the stairs two at a time when he heard Mike crying. It was the first time he’d ever heard him cry, and his heart was thundering in his chest when he got to the bedroom. “Mike?” He was at Mike’s side in an instant, pulling him over close. He was surprised when Mike fell over face first into his lap and held on to his legs, crying into his dark gray dress pants. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he tried to soothe, his hand running over Mike’s back.

“It’s not!” Mike cried, his voice muffled in Jason’s legs. 

Jason let him cry, petting his hand over Mike’s back and shoulders, up over his hair, and back down again. They stayed that way until Mike got it all out, his tears leaving a huge wet spot on Jason’s thigh that felt somewhat uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to say. He knew Chester leaving and the definitive signs of that being true would be hard to take, but he didn’t know it was going to lead to a complete meltdown.

Slowly Mike sat up, his chest heaving with broken sobs as he tried to breathe. He wiped his face and then took off his flannel, using it to wipe his eyes a little better before he held out the broken collar in his fist. “This is why,” he choked out as Jason opened his hand to take it from him. “This is how I ruined us. Don’t let me do it to us, Jay. Don’t let me lose control. I don’t know what happened to me, but I swear to you, I’m not like Mark. I’m not, I’m not!”

Jason was stunned, not just from the collar but Mike’s declaration. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t had moments where he’d drawn similarities between Mark and Mike. They were subtle things, but things Jason had turned over and over in his head before deciding that unlike Mark, Mike was savable. He could change. He was young. He’d been fully consumed in Chester and unable to handle the cloak of manipulation and deception that YRS dropped on his first relationship. Jason could look at Mike’s need for control and attribute that to how helpless he felt to protect Chester, and the possessive behavior was an offshoot of that. None of it mattered with Mark still in the picture - Chester had always been enamored of Mark - and once Mark was gone, Mike was fully entrenched in his ways. It was a spectacular mess, one that Jason hoped would be cleaned up as Mike relearned how to be in a relationship… with him. 

“I know you’re not,” Jason said carefully, taking the pieces in his hand and closing his fist around them. He’d never been restrained by anything other than Mark’s hands and greater body weight, and he knew with Mike things like the collar would never be part of their life. “You can’t put all the blame on yourself, Mike. There are many, many things about YRS that have fucked with all of our heads. I remember you, when you first got there. All your anger and spitfire that was really just fear. I admired you for standing up to him. You didn’t know any better. You were completely innocent, and he took that and twisted it.” Jason stood up and walked the pieces over to the dresser. He set them down on top and turned to look at Mike. He looked completely destroyed, and Jason’s heart ached. 

“You stood up to him and he found ways to wear you down, little by little. I’m sure it was a challenge to him. Everyone else did exactly what Mark said, but you didn’t. You did your best with what you had, sweetheart.” Jason walked over and took Mike’s distraught face between his hands. “You don’t have to protect me. You don’t have to worry about a thing. Let go of all that and just let me take care of you. We’ll do this together, figure it out together, and not repeat our past mistakes. I won’t let you control me. We’re already good like that. Look at me, Mike.”

Mike looked up from between his long hair, his eyes puffy, and Jason knelt in front of him so they could see each other better. “You’re right, so much went wrong with you and Chaz, but you can do better this time. I know that you can. I’m here to make sure you can do it.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Mike’s. They were salty, the way Mike had tasted for days. “I promise you, when we’re free to be together, you’ll feel more like yourself. We just have to get through this little period.” Jason felt like all he’d been doing was repeating himself, but he had to get through to Mike, to get him to understand that it was hard now, but it would get better. 

“I didn’t know,” Mike whispered. “I didn’t know I was doing it all wrong.”

Jason nodded. “I know.” He gave Mike another soft kiss. “You’ve just got to trust me. It’s all going to be fine when we’re gone.” 

****

“It’s like we’re doing everything again from earlier, only in reverse,” Ryan chuckled as he stood inside the big walk-in closet with Chester. He pulled the next shirt from the bag, this one with gray stripes running across the black underprint and slid a hanger in the neck hole before placing it on the bar. He glanced over at Chester, who hadn’t laughed at his joke. “Chaz?” 

“Yeah?” he mumbled as he looked away from where he’d only hung five shirts over the last half hour. It took a minute for him to realize he was supposed to say more. “I’m sorry, Ry,” he said with a long sigh. “This is just harder than I thought it would be.” 

Ryan took the step over to close the space between them. He laced his arm gently around Chester’s back. “Are you going to be okay?” 

Chester nodded as he let Ryan hold him, his eyes closed. “I miss him, and I know I shouldn’t. One second I’m so mad at him and the next I just want to drop in front of him and ask why...why he was so mean to me. And I know some of it’s my fault.” 

“No,” Ryan disagreed immediately. “Chazzy, it’s not your fault.” 

“No, it is,” Chester told him as he looked up and took a step away. “Not everything, but I could have been a better boyfriend. I should have cared more about what he thought when it came to us.” He motioned between the two of them, and Ryan’s mouth dropped open slightly. “God, Ry, I love you. You know I do,” Chester assured him. “And I love us spending time together.”

“I do, too,” Ryan rushed to say, but Chester put his hand up, not letting him go further. 

“But all that closeness that was going on the last few months, us kissing so much, we shouldn’t have done that. We let the lines go blurry, and I know Mike and Jay did, too, but...I know Mike’s always been suspicious of us. I let him down,” Chester said, his chin dropping to his shirt front. 

“It’s been nice being so close with you lately,” Ryan offered, though his voice had gone softer. It was clear Chester was feeling a wave of guilt, maybe regret, and Ryan knew it was important that he feel his way through it, not push it away. 

“It has been nice,” Chester admitted. “But it hurt Mike and that’s not okay.” He wiped his hand across his face before he looked around the closet. They’d already brought all the boxes in and stacked them neatly around the simi-circle of the closet floor space. There was a section left clear, right at the back, where Chester planned to put his shoes, but they were still in the box. “You should go home,” he said suddenly as he looked up and met Ryan’s beautiful eyes and the shadow of confusion that had just crossed them. “Go home and be with Jason. I can finish this.” He pointed down at the two bags of clothes they’d been working through. 

“Chazzy, I can stay,” Ryan argued lightly, though he dropped it quickly when Chester shook his head no. That was it. His friend needed his space to think, to mourn, to cope, and Ryan would never deny him that. “Okay,” he agreed as he leaned over and kissed Chester on his cheek. “If you get lonely, call me. I can come back.” 

Chester smiled. It was nice to be someone’s priority, even if he wasn’t the boyfriend. “Thanks, but I think I’ll be fine. I’m going to go make me a cup of coffee and finish hanging stuff up. I’ll text you tomorrow.” 

Ryan agreed before he turned and left the closet, walking back out into the bedroom. His leather jacket was draped across the bed, over the pink and silver blanket and he cringed. _I should bring him something better than that. Something that’s comforting. I don’t think he took any blankets or sheets from the loft. He left all that stuff for Mike._ The thought brought a frown to his face, but he dismissed it quickly. He knew Chester was doing what he felt was best, and Ryan wasn’t going to second guess him. “Tomorrow’s Saturday. Maybe we can grab breakfast or lunch?” 

“Sure,” Chester said as he stepped out of the closet, and wrapped his arms around himself. He’d already had a shower, and he was only in a flimsy white v-neck t-shirt and a pair of black joggers, and zebra socks. As soon as he was done with the closet, he’d lay down and try to get some sleep. “And hey,” he said, just as Ryan opened the bedroom door. “Tell Jay I’m sorry I took all the dishes. That was really shitty of me.” He pulled his bottom lip in. 

“They’re yours,” Ryan reminded him. 

“I know, but now you guys have nothing. I could have left you the ones I don’t like.” 

“Whatever,” Ryan laughed, rolling his eyes. “You love all of them.” He watched as Chester admitted that was true before he said goodnight. They shared kisses through the air, and then Ryan stepped out into the dark apartment, to leave quietly. 

Chester waited until he heard that Ryan had left, and then he walked out and flipped on the lights. He knew Amir and Noah were upstairs, and he wouldn’t be disturbing anything by making coffee. He tip-toed into the kitchen, got down a coffee cup, and made quick work to get the water heated up. He stood with his arms crossed, leaning against the counter as he waited. As he looked around at the small, but efficient kitchen. _They gave all the space to the bedrooms, rather than in here. Guess that makes sense. If you’re not a cook. God, I can’t stay here forever. Look at this place...full of Amir’s kitchen stuff. There’s no room for my stuff. It’s not my kitchen. I don’t have a kitchen anymore._

The thought was painful, and Chester tried not to dwell on it as he pulled his phone from his pocket to try and busy his mind instead. He meant to flip to the news, or to a social media page, something else to concentrate on, but instead his eyes went right to the little number one on his text app. _I bet that’s from Mike. I don’t think I opened his last one._ His finger hovered over it, as he debated over reading it, or just leaving it be. _He told me he was sorry, this is probably more of that. I wonder if he means it._ He clicked on the message.

**Mike:** _Please. I just need to tell you something._

Chester read the message, and then read it again. _What’s he going to tell me? He’s already admitted he was being an asshole. But it’s something more than that._ He looked at the timestamp and realized Mike had texted him after he and Ryan had been at the loft. A swift intake of air hit Chester’s lungs. _The collar. He’s probably upset I ruined it. I don’t want to hear about that. Or maybe it’s the dishes. He loves to eat, and now he has nothing to eat off of. God, what’s wrong with me? I should have left him some plates and a cup._

The coffee was finally done, and after Chester stirred in his milk and sugar, he headed back to his room, closing the door easily with his foot. He sat down on the bed, clicking his phone back to life. _Three days. I’ve been ignoring him for three days. Maybe that’s been long enough._ He sipped his coffee, and he hummed at how good it tasted before he set it down and texted back.

**Chester:** _Okay. I’m listening._

Mike was staring blankly at the movie on the television when his phone vibrated. Jason was downstairs, waiting for Ryan to come home, and he was dreading the rest of the evening. With a heavy sigh he picked up the phone, fully expecting the text message to be any other person he knew on Earth besides Chester. He sat up, his pulse already racing. _He’s texting me back. I have to say the right thing. I probably only have one chance at this._ He put the phone down and looked at it for a second, trying to decide what the most important thing was. He’d already apologized, and it had gotten him nowhere. 

He picked the phone back up carefully and tapped the screen to bring his text message thread back to life.

**Mike:** _I just wanted to tell you, the last 3 days have been awful without you. I’ve realized a lot of things. Stuff I should have done differently. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m sorry._

He pressed send, and then freaked out. That wasn’t the most important thing. He rushed to send another message.

**Mike:** _The collar. I’m sorry about the collar. If I could go back we never would have bought it._

Chester was mid-sip when the second message popped up right behind the first, and he almost spit his coffee out. His eyes popped as he read Mike’s words. _He’s not mad...he’s sorry._ Chester’s hand was shaking as he carefully set his coffee cup on the nightstand. He looked around the room, the very quiet room, but he was totally alone. He read the message again, his hand drifting up to his neck for a minute before he forced it away. “Good,” he said out loud, his heart heaving a heavy sigh.

**Chester:** _I’m surprised to hear you say that. I guess you found it. Or what was left of it. And I agree. The last three days have sucked balls._

He hit send and stood up. He walked over and opened the window, letting in the night air. He lingered, taking a few deep breaths before he went back to the bed to sit down. He was already feeling antsy - excited almost - to see if Mike would say more. Their breakup had been so fast, so hostile, and now it felt like they could really let everything out they both wanted to say.

**Mike:** _I know I messed up. I know I said some awful things. I wish I could look at you and tell you the whole list of things I did wrong. I don’t want you to hate me._

Mike wanted to keep going, but he was afraid Chester would stop responding. He meant it. He’d spent the last two hours making a list in his head of everything he’d done to make Chester hate him, and he wanted to apologize for each one, one at a time. 

Chester’s eyebrows furrowed as he stared down at the text. “I don’t hate him,” he whispered, his heart pinching a little at the thought. _I know we’ve been through a lot, but...I don’t think I could ever hate him._

**Chester:** _I don’t hate you. I guess somehow we think alike. It felt like you hated me. I did things wrong, too. If you’re making a list, I’ve got one of my own._

**Mike:** _You don’t need to make a list. And I don’t hate you. Will you call me? Can I talk to you?_

Mike held his breath and watched his phone, waiting to see if he’d get three little dots for a text message refusal, or if it would ring. He really, really wanted it to ring. 

Chester’s hand was over his mouth, his fingers playing with his lip ring as he waited. As he debated his options. He didn’t want their calm messages to turn into an argument, which seemed to happen more and more lately whenever they talked. But he also knew that there was only so much to express over text. If he was going to get his chance to say he was sorry - that he was really sorry - he wanted Mike to hear the sincerity in his voice. 

He clicked over to his contacts, and pulled up Mike’s name. He hit call, and listened as it rang, the phone to his ear, his coffee cup to his lips as he took another quick sip. He dug his toes into the soft, dark gray carpeting and stared blankly at the closed bedroom door, and he was thankful for the privacy, something that had really been lacking in his life for the last six months.

Mike didn’t even hesitate. He slid the button on his phone and put it right to his ear. “Ches? Hi.” He let out a huge breath in a rush. “Thank you for calling me, I didn’t think you would.” 

“It’s nice to hear your voice,” Chester said. “It feels like it’s been longer than three days.”

“I know, I know.” Mike fell back on his pillow and wrapped his free arm around his stomach. Just hearing Chester’s voice made his body ache. “I miss you.” 

Chester nodded. “I miss you, too. Mike, I, I know you said I don’t need to make a list, but I do have things I wanted to say I was sorry for.” He paused, taking a hard swallow. “I’m sorry I didn’t leave you any dishes. I hope you found a way to eat.” The moment the words were out of his mouth, Chester cursed himself for sounding stupid. The idea of apologizing for that had sounded much better in his head.

Mike felt the knot in his stomach loosen just a little. “There’s been a lot of takeout,” he admitted. “None of us can cook, you know. Tonight hasn’t been any different in that respect.” He shook his head at himself. “I’m not saying I didn’t miss your dishes. You! Not your dishes. God, this isn’t what I wanted to say.” 

A short giggle passed Chester’s lips, and he felt himself smile briefly. “I know what you meant,” he offered. “I haven’t gotten to cook anything since I’ve been here. I haven’t really felt up to it, honestly. I’ve been...wallowing. And eating a lot of breakfast tacos and ice cream.”

“I love breakfast tacos,” Mike whined. “I, I ate your pie. The pie you made me.” He squeezed his arm around his middle a little bit tighter. “It was really good. All of it. I ate the whole damn thing by myself.” 

“Really?” Chester asked reflexively. “I wasn’t sure you even wanted it. You didn’t seem to be interested in it when I made it. You didn’t have to eat it.” He looked down at the floor, at the way his zebra socks looked against the plush carpet, and he tried to keep memories of that horrible Thursday night from coming back. The night Mike had been so cold to him. 

“I’m sorry,” Mike said, his voice just above a whisper. “I know I’ve said that a lot in my texts, but I am.” He closed his eyes and mumbled, “I’d never eat pie I didn’t want.” 

“You have said that a lot,” Chester agreed. “Mike, I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry the ad upset you,” he heard himself say, even though that hadn’t been on his list of things he wanted to apologize for. “I shouldn’t have done it, for work or for the camera or for whatever reason.”

“I wish I wasn’t such a jealous idiot,” Mike said. He sat up on the bed and picked at the blanket. “Ever since I found out about your job at YRS I’ve been an insecure, jealous idiot. I guess it all just came out the other night.” _What Jason and I have done hasn’t helped. It’s too much stress. I know I’m doing this all wrong._ “I’ve been watching you with Ryan for so long, and I… I know I’ve made you feel bad about your friendship with him. And I shouldn’t have done that, either.” 

Chester felt a little gasp escape his throat. He was pretty sure it was the first time he’d ever heard Mike apologize for how he acted when it came to Ryan. “Sexy Boy, you don’t have to feel insecure,” he said, before he stopped, a small panic hitting. “I mean, Mike,” he corrected. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Old habits.” He cleared his throat and started over. “Ryan’s my friend, and we’re close. I know we get too close sometimes, and I should have been more considerate of your feelings about that. I really should have. That was my fault. It was never because I wanted him and not you, Mike. It was never that…and I want you to know that I’ve never cheated. Not with Ry or anyone else.”

Mike felt his stomach roll sickeningly. He knew that. He believed Chester one hundred percent. He’d gone out of his mind the other night with the guilt he felt and the shock of Jason asking him to come to Seattle, and he’d put all of that on Chester. It wasn’t fair, and he knew it. “I know. I know, Chester.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out another sigh. “All I can do is tell you I’m sorry. Again.” 

It was a massive moment of relief, hearing Mike say that he believed him. That he knew Chester wasn’t the dirty cheater he’d accused him of being. Chester stood up from the bed. “Thanks, Mike,” he said, and he heard the raise in his tone. “I was worried you wouldn’t believe me, after what you said. I think it’s good we’re talking. My therapist says that we would really benefit from better communication, and I think she’s right. And I’m learning more about saying what I’m feeling.” Chester stepped over to the doors of the open closet, looking inside as it hit him. He’d only been away from Mike for three days, but he’d failed at sharing anything much about his therapy from day one. It was one more fail in their communication. “Are you busy?” he asked, not sure if he was really going to go through with what he wanted to ask.

“Just staring at the tv. Jay’s downstairs waiting on Ryan to get home so they can have dinner together.” Mike bit his lip for a second before he asked, “why?”

Chester took a few steps inside the closet. “Would...would you want to come over and talk some more?” he asked. “I have to finish putting stuff away, and so I need to go, but if you want...I’m here. I’ll give you the grand tour of this massive closet. I’m standing in it, Mike. Like, right now. Standing in it,” he repeated for emphasis. 

Mike felt the pull in his chest, the part of him that wanted to see Chester. He wanted to give him a hug and look him in the eyes and tell him what an idiot he was and how sorry he felt for everything. Especially the collar. “Yeah. I don’t know where I’m going, you’ll have to send me the address.” He stood up from the bed and grabbed his flannel, then remembered he’d used it to wipe his face earlier. _It’s probably got snot on it somewhere. I can’t wear that._ “I’ll leave right now, before you change your mind.” _Or me, before I change my mind._

“Okay, I’ll text you the address. Don’t knock when you get here...there are people here and I don’t want to disturb them.” He walked out of the closet and over to his bedroom door, opening it up and looking out into the dark bottom part of Amir’s apartment. “Just text me when you get here. I’ll see you soon.”

Mike nodded, then remembered to say, “okay,” before he hung up. He grabbed the first hoodie on the stack in the barren closet and shoved his body into it before he started down the stairs. Jason looked up at him in surprise. It was the first time he’d come downstairs with a purpose in three days.

“You okay?” Jason asked, looking over Mike’s sloppy hoodie and sweatpants as he stood up to meet Mike at the bottom of the stairs. His hair was a wreck and his eyes were still bloodshot from earlier. “Do you need me to get you something?”

“No.” Mike stopped and his phone vibrated. It seemed very loud in the awkward silence between them. “Ches. He wants to talk. He finally texted me back and we’re going to talk through some stuff.” He looked away from the guarded expression on Jason’s face. “It will be good to talk it out. And I’ll be gone when Ryan gets home. You know, so you two can talk.”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “What does that mean?” He stepped back as Mike stepped around him, headed for his keys that were in his backpack under the stairs. He felt his heart racing as he watched Mike dig around for his stuff, anxious to get going. “If you think I’m going to break up with him tonight, I’m not.” Jason crossed his arms and waited for Mike to face him.

“I just meant, maybe there were things you should talk about, so you can do better than what I did with Chester. Don’t you think maybe you owe him that? After so many years together? Maybe it shouldn’t just hit him out of the blue.” Mike stood up, keys in hand, and stepped back to Jason. “I just meant, I’m getting a chance to make things better. I don’t want Ches to hate me. I don’t hate him. I didn’t stop loving him overnight, and he thinks I did. That’s not fair to anyone. You have the opportunity to do better than me. So you should take it.” He leaned forward and kissed Jason on the cheek. “I’ll be back. Just put my dinner in the fridge.” 

Jason watched Mike leave before he walked over to the table and sat down. He wasn’t sure what Chester had said, but it was a replay of the other night. All Chester had to do was beckon, and there was Mike, crawling back on his hands and knees. _Maybe I’ve got this whole thing wrong. Mike might never be ready to leave him. It doesn’t matter what I say, or how good I know we’ll be together. Until he makes up his mind, one way or the other, he feels obligated to Chester._ Jason pulled out his phone and tapped through a few screens, looking at the e-tickets he’d purchased for their trip to Seattle. _If Mike stays, then that means Ryan can come with me. That means everything we do in Seattle next week, it won’t matter. I should make sure whatever we pick out, Ryan would like, too. I want him to be happy. With me, or with Chaz, whichever way this all goes. Mike’s right about that. I owe him better than dragging him off without any consideration for what he wants. Maybe I need to tell him about Seattle tonight. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. Maybe it’s really meant to be me and Ry, no matter what Mark thought about him. I don’t have to make Mark happy any more. He’s not here. _

He let the phone screen go to black. _I could see us together there. We were happy in Seattle. Maybe it would be like that again._ Before he could think things through any further, there was a knock at the door, and with a heavy sigh, Jason got up to get the dinner he’d ordered for three that only two of them would be eating. 

****  
TBC


	25. In the Closet

Mike pressed send on the text message to Chester and stood outside the door to Amir’s apartment. He was impressed with the building and the area, and decided that Amir must be good with his money to afford a place like this on his own. _Well, we were getting paid pretty well at YRS. And he jumped right into Carnal Delights. He didn’t go without a paycheck like we did. He probably wasn’t trying to pay off debts and everything else. God, Ches and I have been through a lot. A lot more than I’ve ever stopped long enough to think about._ He waited, idly wondering who Chester was referring to when he’d mentioned that “people” were over.

The door opened quietly and he saw Chester’s brown eyes first, peeking through a crack in the door. Mike’s heart took a little leap and there was a smile on his face instantly. “Hey,” he whispered. “You wanna let me in?” 

Chester stayed behind the door, looking Mike up and down as he kept him at bay out in the hallway. Mike’s hair was a mess, and Chester couldn’t say much about his choice of sweatpants and hoodie mix, but it was Mike, and he felt a zip of excitement across his stomach. “Hey,” he whispered back. “I’ll let you in, if you promise to be good.” He wiggled his eyebrows, hoping it wasn’t too soon for jokes.

“I swear,” Mike answered, pressing his free hand to his chest. “I’ll keep my hands in my pockets if that’s what you want.” He waited, and Chester stepped back to let him inside. It was dark, and Mike could hear Chester’s breathing. It was comforting, like they were sleeping next to each other in bed. “Hands in pockets. I’m ready,” he declared in a whisper. 

“Okay, come on,” Chester said, motioning for Mike to follow him. It was a short trip, just past the table, and into the bedroom, where the lights were on. He shut the door behind him. “Okay, we can talk now,” he said in his normal voice. “Amir and Noah are upstairs, but they can’t hear us in here.”

Mike blinked. “Noah? Noah is here?”

Chester put his hands out in front of him. “Oh, Sexy Boy, let me tell you how wild it is,” he said, before he felt his cheeks flush. It was the second time he’d called Mike by his old pet name in the same night, and he looked away quickly. _I’ve gotta stop that. We’re broken up._ “Anyway,” he said, trying to shrug it off. “Yeah. They’re...I’m not sure what they are,” he decided as he pointed up to the ceiling. “In my professional opinion, I’d say they’re dating, but I don’t think Amir’s ready to admit that yet, and Noah, you know him..he’ll take any title he can get.” 

“Wow. That’s… Noah is the last person I thought Amir would end up with.” Mike looked around the bedroom. It wasn’t anything amazing, but it was a nice size, with nice furniture, even though the blanket on the bed was awful. He opened his mouth to say something and then decided not to. The reason Chester had an awful silver and pink blanket was because his had been replaced with the red and black one at the loft, and he’d left that behind for Mike. He didn’t want to bring that up right now. “So.” He used his hand in his hoodie pocket and motioned toward the open closet. “Is this the amazing walk-in closet?” 

A smile bounced off of Chester’s face. “God, yes. Come on.” He turned and headed into the closet. “Look! We’re both walking in!” He knew he sounded giddy, but it _was_ a walk-in, and it had been the highlight of Chester’s life over the last three days. “There’s plenty of room in here for my stuff, and probably someone else’s. I wouldn’t even have to be a closet hog. I’m still working on my shoes.” He pointed to an open box on the floor before he looked at Mike, who had stepped in behind him. 

“You _are_ a closet hog,” Mike teased lightly, forcing himself not to think about the empty closet at the loft. “You could just live in here. Sleep among your clothes and shoes. I can totally see it now.” He looked around at the amount of space and how neatly Chester had already started to organize his things. Chester was making himself at home, and that dimmed the smile on Mike’s face a little. _He’s not coming back. He loves this closet. He’s already hanging things up and putting his shoes in order. He’s not coming back._ Mike cleared his throat and looked at Chester. “It’s great, Ches. You’ll have it all organized in no time.” 

Chester nodded slowly. “Yeah,” he agreed. He rolled his lips together, sucking on his piercing. It was nice to be able to talk to Mike in person, and in the safety of the closet, he decided there was something he really needed to ask. “Mike,” he started softly, turning to face him properly, “I don’t really understand what happened between us. I, I thought things were getting better. We had a great weekend, and then it was like...everything exploded.”

Mike looked down at the floor. None of the real reasons he’d freaked out - the fact that he’d slept with Jason, the plans they were making to leave for Seattle together, the horrible guilt he felt over Chester’s hair and the reason that had happened - none of that was stuff he wanted to say right now. Maybe ever. It all felt irreparable at this point, and he didn’t see any reason to make it more painful for Chester than it already was. He focused on a pair of Chester’s shoes and tried to come up with something that was along the lines of the truth. “It’s like I told you. I’m a jealous, insecure idiot. That ad was just the last little thing that pushed me over the edge with you and Ryan. And I tried so hard to not be hurt by the fact that you and I weren’t having sex, I did. I tried to understand all of that. We just went from every day to nothing, and seeing you with him… I know it was for work and all but it just hurt.” Mike looked up. He wasn’t lying about any of that. It did hurt to see Chester with Ryan in that ad. “You didn’t look like you were even trying to be turned on, and I just got stupid. Too many little things, I guess. But I want you to know that I know now that I’m the problem, not Ryan.” 

Chester ran his hand over his head, through his little blonde mohawk before he said, “I wasn’t totally honest about what was going on.” He took a deep breath. _We’re already broken up, so it’s now or never to be honest. I owe him that much._ “I, I think I want to sit down.” The thought to go back out and sit on the bed crossed his mind, but he quickly decided against that, and sat down on the floor of the closet instead. He looked up at Mike. “You can sit with me, if you want.”

“Okay.” Mike looked around, then sat down where he was. Chester was in front of him, and shoes were at his side. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear whatever Chester wanted to say. “Look, we don’t have to talk about the ads, or Ryan, or any of that. I’ve thought through things a lot the past few days, and coming home today, I know I screwed up. I know I was wrong. And I didn’t get it until I found the collar. _Our_ collar. And I realized that’s why we weren’t having sex anymore. Because all I did was hurt you. And I want you to know how sorry I am, Chester. I never meant for that to get out of control the way it did.” Mike wanted to hold Chester’s hand, but he’d promised to keep his hands to himself.

It was almost a shock to hear Mike say what Chester was about to confess. “That’s what I was going to tell you,” he said. “It was the pills, at first. They made everything hard to keep track of, on the inside.” He motioned to his front. “But then, I realized one night that it was more than that. I know you never meant to,” he admitted, looking down at his lap for a second. “But you really hurt me with the collar, and it’s partly my fault for not saying something, but it left this...fear.” He looked up, right into Mike’s eyes. “I should have talked to you about it, but I wasn’t sure how. It was never because there was someone else.” He went to reach for Mike’s hand, but pulled back when he realized the hoodie was still serving as their cage. 

“I’m sorry. I could say it every day for the rest of my life, and I don’t know if you’d understand how much I regret it. I took your trust and I broke it, and that’s the worst thing somebody can do.” Mike swallowed hard. It was as close to confessing about Jason as he could get without coming out and saying it. “I let it go too far, and I know it would be hard to bring us back. I laid on the bed this afternoon trying to remember the last time I made love to you, Ches, really, truly took time to make love to you. And I couldn’t.” He hung his head in shame. “You deserve better than that.”

“We ended up a long way from where we started,” Chester whispered. “If I could have left YRS, I would have. I know that was part of it.” He looked up at the ceiling of the closet, at the single light over their heads, and the funky pattern in the plaster. “I was screwed up when I met you, and you made that better for a while. And then it was like we were screwed up together. I’m glad Jason took your videos down,” he said before looking back at Mike. “If any of us deserve a chance to be free of that in our past, it’s you. I’m sorry I was an ass about it.” 

Mike so badly wanted to reach for Chester. He wanted to kiss his face and tell him it was all okay, but he didn’t. There was an invisible line there, and he was going to let Chester cross it if he wanted to. Mike had been wrong. He didn’t get to call the shots. “I didn’t ask him to,” Mike said, even though he’d already told Chester that, too. “I was never ashamed of you, Ches. It was the circumstances. It was what porn is in the circles my family is from. At least what they try to portray. I think everybody watches a little porn.” He smiled ruefully at his own joke. “It was never you. I went to YRS because I was in love with you, and I thought I could make things better for you. I had no real idea what that was going to be like, but maybe things were a little better. I don’t know. Maybe I just made things worse.” Mike shrugged. His hands were getting sweaty. “I thought I was doing the best thing for us.” 

Chester shook his head. “God, Mike, I’m sorry if I never said thank you.” He lunged forward, his arms going open as he pulled Mike into a hug, his face nuzzled to his cheek. “You did make it better.” 

Mike’s hands were out of his pockets and his arms around Chester the moment he was pulled forward. He turned his lips right into Chester’s cheek and kissed him, the prick of tears starting in his eyes. “That’s all I wanted. I’m sorry it went so wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you.” He closed his eyes tight as he held on even tighter. 

Chester ran his hand up Mike’s back, and into his hair. Despite its messy appearance, it was soft and clean. “I’m okay, Mike,” he assured him. “I’m okay. I never wanted it to go this way either.” He waited, his heart hoping for something more, but Mike slowly pulled away instead. “I, I’m going to learn how to be a bartender,” he admitted suddenly with a nervous swallow. “After I get back from San Francisco. I can work at a bar or a club on the days I’m not on Score duty. It will be more money.” He hesitated, not sure how much more he should say. After all, they were broken up, which meant they weren’t sharing bills anymore. Now the extra money would be needed to support himself away from Amir’s, since he was now on his own. “I know my therapy took the money we were thinking to use for your school and I’m sorry about that, Mike. I really am. I’ve been thinking about this since we played that card game, and it came up. I was going to try and make it up to you.” He dropped his head, his heart sinking in his chest at his meager offering that would never come to fruition. None of it mattered now. 

Mike closed his eyes, another wave of sadness striking him. He knew he wasn’t being fair. If there was ever a time to tell the truth, this was it, but he couldn’t seem to make the words _I slept with Jason_ come out of his mouth. Telling Chester would only hurt him. Mike couldn’t see any way that they could repair things between them if he wasn’t honest about Jason, but he couldn’t see any way they could repair things if he did. He was caught in a nightmare of his own choosing. “Your therapy is far more important, Ches. I want you to be happy with you. I want you to not have nightmares, and those are things I can’t help with. You were right to start, and I definitely don’t want you to stop now.” He leaned close and pressed his lips to Chester’s cheek. It lasted a second longer than it really needed to. “You’ll be a hell of a bartender,” he whispered. 

“Thanks,” Chester mumbled. “Well, it’s late,” he said, as he went to stand up. “You should go. I need to get this done.” He didn’t wait to see if Mike was going to add anything. His heart hurt, and talking to Mike face to face wasn’t feeling helpful anymore. The small doors he’d left open for Mike to walk through, he hadn’t, and Chester was getting the picture that, for whatever reason, Mike wasn’t going to. He wanted to cry, and he wanted to do that alone. 

“I… thanks for letting me come,” Mike said awkwardly as Chester stood up. He looked down at the floor and sighed. “It’s good that we talked. It all feels so wrong right now.” He reached out and touched Chester’s sock. It was zebra print, and Mike’s throat grew tight. Zebra print was his favorite. “I love your socks. I’m sorry my socks are so boring and awful. I’ll miss your socks.” He knew he sounded ridiculous but he wasn’t ready to leave. Not yet. Leaving now felt even more final than when Chester walked out of the loft a few nights ago. 

Chester looked down at Mike’s hand, still on the top of his foot. “You don’t have to keep saying you’re sorry,” he whispered. “And awesome socks aren’t for everyone. I think your plain ones fit you just perfect.” He shut his eyes as he felt Mike’s fingers smooth back and forth over his foot, lightly, just a stroke or two, like it was a reflex, not intention. “Picking socks is an artform, Mike, I hope you find someone who’s good at it.” 

Mike covered his mouth with his other hand and swallowed. He wanted to say something else but he couldn’t. He just nodded, still petting Chester’s foot. The impulse was there to stand up and take Chester’s hands and ask him if there was any way he thought they could be okay, but he kept telling himself that unless they were completely honest, it wasn’t fair. Mike didn’t want Chester to think less of him than he already did, and Mike couldn’t look him in the eye and watch it happen.

Chester couldn’t stop watching Mike’s fingers as they so gently rubbed his foot, like his body was suddenly fragile and Mike didn’t want to break him. “I was thinking of you when I bought these socks,” he said, picking his foot up a little off the floor. “They’re one of my favorite pairs.” 

“I know you want me to leave,” Mike finally said after a few more moments of caressing Chester’s foot. It took work to get the words out of his mouth. He leaned close and kissed Chester’s knee over the top of his joggers. “I hope you sleep well.” He finally made his legs work and stood up, keeping his eyes on Chester’s feet. He couldn’t bear to look at him. He knew if he did he would break down again, and it felt like there had been enough crying. 

Chester watched as Mike avoided looking him in the eyes, and that cold feeling hovered over him. Mike not wanting to look at him was one of the worst feelings in the world. “Yeah,” he said, “you should go.” He sucked his bottom lip in, and fought back the sting to his eyes as he stepped around Mike to get out of the closet. “You know the way out,” he mumbled as he pointed toward the bedroom door. He slumped down on the side of the bed, next to the open window, where the evening air was coming in. 

“Ches.” Mike stepped toward the bed. “What you said the other night, when you left. About me hating you?” He reached out and carefully touched the top of Chester’s hair, the little strip of blonde curls that he’d watched grow from nothing. “I don’t want you to think that. I don’t hate you. I’ll never hate you. I hate myself for all of this, and hurting you, and I could never say I’m sorry enough. But I can’t stand you thinking that.” 

Chester kept his concentration on the wall, the small space under the window, and the terrible muted tan color Amir had picked for the room. “Okay,” he whispered. “And I meant it, Mike...you don’t have to keep saying you’re sorry.” He shut his eyes before he turned his head in Mike’s direction, daring to look up at him. “I meant the other part that I said that night too. I love you.” 

Mike felt the tear drip down his cheek. It was slow, then followed by another. “I love you, too. I broke us, and I’m sorry.” He hated the fact that _I’m sorry_ came out of his mouth again when Chester had just told him to stop saying it. “Good night, Ches,” he whispered around the dry cotton feeling in his mouth. Mike looked at the window and then the bed, and then his hand fell away as he turned to go. 

Chester’s head dropped as he leaned forward, his arms and face on his knees as he felt the tears come. He couldn’t stop them, and at the moment, he didn’t care. Mike was leaving. He’d come and said he was sorry, and even admitted that he knew Chester hadn’t cheated. But they were still broken, and there was going to be no attempt to try again. It boiled down to one heart-wrenching thought in Chester’s mind. _He doesn’t want me._

Mike let himself out the front door, hot tears steadily falling down his face. He thought that talking would make him feel better, make Chester feel better, but it seemed to have gone the opposite way. _It felt better for a little bit, when I first got there. But now it feels the same. Worse, actually. And there’s nobody there for him to talk to._ He stood outside the front door, thinking that he would hear Chester come to lock it. When that didn’t happen, he thought about going back inside and making sure that Chester was okay, but what more was there to say? He was pretty sure nothing he could say would make things better. _It’s not like he was begging me to stay, anyway. He told me to leave. Twice._ He only hesitated for another minute, then started the walk down the hall, back to his car to go home. _Home. It doesn’t even feel like home without Chester there. It’s just a place I’m staying. With Ryan and Jason._

The thought wasn’t comforting as he got in the car and started toward the loft, leaving part of his heart behind with Chester’s zebra print socks. 

****

Ryan stepped into the loft, his thoughts heavy. He hated leaving Chester alone, especially after today. After they’d gone through everything and cleared his stuff out of the apartment. After they’d cut up the collar. _He’s not completely alone. Amir and Noah are there...but that’s not the same. He’ll be in that little room all by himself all night. He’ll be stuck in his own head all night._

The thought was disturbing as Ryan walked toward the kitchen, and dropped his keys on the bar, but he kept his phone with him. He could smell pasta, and the spicy tomato sauce he always liked on his whenever they ordered from The Pasta Kitchen, but it wasn’t as good as the homemade sauce Chester could whip together, so it was always a little bittersweet. 

He checked his phone one last time, but in the thirty minutes it took to get home from Amir’s, he hadn’t sent a text or tried to call. _He needs his space. I know that. I wish he wouldn’t keep pushing me away. _ He let out a long, hard exhale before he picked his attention up from the floor and scanned over the downstairs. His eyes landed right on Jason, sitting at the table. It was almost a shock how close his boyfriend was. Physically. “Hey,” Ryan said softly as he walked over and pulled out the chair across from him. He slumped down. “It smells good in here. Sorry I’m late. You really didn’t have to wait.”

“I wanted to,” Jason said. He looked Ryan right in the eyes. “You’ve had a busy day. I thought you might want to talk about it.” He hadn’t meant for that to be the first thing out of his mouth, but it couldn’t be taken back now. “So how long did it take to move Chaz’s stuff for him?” 

Ryan leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “I’m sorry, Jay,” he admitted with a slow shake of his head. “I should have let you know, but Chester really didn’t want to see Mike and, well, he just wanted to get it done and over with. He only took his clothes and his stuff from the kitchen, so it wasn’t that long.”

“Didn’t want to see Mike?” Jason scoffed, reaching in front of him to open the brown paper bag on the table. He stood up to look inside. “That’s funny, since he called here right about the time you texted to tell me you were on your way home, and Mike left out in a big hurry to go see him.” Jason read the handwriting scrawled across the paper lids on the round foil containers. He set Mike’s four-cheese pasta to the side and put his spinach and mushroom ravioli in front of his seat before he handed Ryan the spicy spaghetti and meatballs he always ordered. Jason dug back in the bag for the to-go plasticware that came wrapped up with a little napkin and passed one to Ryan before he sat back down. 

Ryan stared across the table. “Wait, what?” He looked down at his phone - his lifeless phone. “But, that can’t be right. He was so worried Mike would show up before we were done.” 

Jason opened his plasticware pack and took out the fork. “That’s where Mike is right now.” He shrugged, like he didn’t care that Mike had left. “It all happened in a hurry the other night. Maybe Chester changed his mind.” He poked his fork into a ravioli and peeked over at the stunned expression on Ryan’s face. It was clear he had no idea that Chester intended to talk to Mike, and it made Jason wonder exactly what was happening. He thought Chester told Ryan everything. 

“God, I hope not,” Ryan said in a frustrated sigh. He looked down at his pasta container, and started to peel back the edges to get the top off. “I swear, if Mike goes over there and does something stupid and hurts Chester even more…” He pulled the lid off, the smell of spicy spaghetti hitting him in his face. “He was being so strong. I know he loves him. I know. I know it’s true,” Ryan rambled as he unwrapped his silverware. “And how could he not, they’ve been through so much and have been together longer than Chester’s been with anyone, but Mike treats him like shit, and I thought he was finally seeing that.”

Jason felt his skin prickle with Ryan’s venomous words. “He doesn’t treat him like shit, why do you think that? Because he’s jealous? It’s not like there was a lack of things to be jealous of with you two. You’ve been spending an awful lot of time together ever since we moved in here.” Jason motioned toward the television. “I mean, there’s been plenty of nights you haven’t even come to bed with me because you’re both caught up in video games.” 

Ryan stopped, his fork mid twirl among his pasta as he looked Jason in the eyes. He could see more than a casual defense of Mike’s actions lurking there. “I know you guys are close,” he said, keeping his calm. “But, Jay, I’m not even talking about since we’ve been living here. Since the four of us have been cooped up in here, everything’s been crazy. I mean before that. I told you the other day,” he mumbled, “after Chester left.” He stopped, his thoughts shifting away from Mike and Chester’s defunct relationship. “And I know. I’m sorry, Jay. We got out of hand with the games. We just really enjoy them, and I know that’s no excuse.” He batted his big blue eyes Jason’s way. “When it’s finally just us, I think there’s going to be a lot of things that are better.”

Jason put down his fork. “About that,” he started, his mind going over what he’d planned to say in the time since Mike left and Ryan came home. He waited for Ryan to put a meatball in his mouth before he said, “I’m not going to ask Mike to move out yet. Or even move downstairs. I think I’m going to ask him to stay here, actually.” 

Ryan quickly swallowed his food. “But, why? Jason, I can’t keep living here with him. That doesn’t make any sense.” He paused, the thought that Mike probably didn’t have enough money to move out hit him. He knew his boyfriend and Mike had become closer than he ever thought they could, and he suddenly felt himself struggling, living between wanting to argue on Chester’s behalf - on his and Jason’s privacy’s behalf - and trying to be understanding of Jason’s newly founded friendship. _Friends. I know he doesn’t have a lot of them. Fuck. But does it have to be Mike Shinoda?_ “If he needs more time,” he offered, his insides twisting with each kind word, “I get that. The city is expensive. But we should at least move upstairs to have more privacy. He’s only one person. He’ll fit better down here.” 

“There’s no sense in him coming downstairs, just to go back up.” Jason smiled at Ryan, like he was holding a great secret. “Everything got so crazy with Mike and Chaz and all the drama around here, and I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you much about my promotion. Remember? It all kind of happened around the same time. But it’s just us, and I know this is a big deal to just drop this on you, but remember it’s a big deal for me, too.” He took a deep breath. “The company wants me to go to Seattle. Well, going is kind of contingent on the promotion. They want me to oversee the entire office up there.” Jason reached over and covered Ryan’s hand with his. “It’s a big opportunity, Ry. I, I already said yes.” 

“Go to Seattle,” Ryan repeated. “You mean, move there? Or just go now and again?” 

“Move there.” Jason squeezed Ryan’s fingers. “So, this place needs someone in it to take care of it, I figured it would be Chaz and Mike, like it’s been. But now that Chaz left, I guess it’s just Mike.” He sat back, feeling satisfied with that explanation of things. 

Ryan could already feel his pulse quickening as he tried to process everything. “Move to Seattle,” he said almost like he couldn’t believe it. “Me too? I mean, we would move together, right?” His mind boggled as he tried to put all the pieces together, the loft the last thing on his mind. “But, but when?” 

Jason looked up at the ceiling while he calculated. “Three weeks, now, I guess. I know that’s soon,” he rushed to say. “I already booked a flight out the week you and Chaz will be in San Francisco to check things out. I’ll find a great place, maybe something by the water like this. And it will be all set.” He stopped and spread his fingers over the table on either side of his take out container. “I know now might not be the best time to tell Chaz, with everything else going on. He’s really going to miss you. First Mike, and then you… maybe you should wait to tell him. Until things settle down a little more.”

The brief excited feeling running through Ryan came to a sudden stop. A dozen thoughts and concerns washed over him at once. “Jason, I’m, I’m happy for you. Of course,” he said, his hand going over his heart. “Mr. Manager,” he added with a short smile. “But, I...you already told them yes? We haven’t even talked about this. I’ll have to quit Score.” The words brought a slight panic. _Chazzy and I were hired together as a team. If I leave, what will happen to him? Will he lose his job because of me?_ “And, and why are you going up there while I’m gone? I would want to help pick out our new place.” It was almost too much, and the lurking thoughts of how just far away Seattle was to L.A. - to Chester - hadn’t even pounced on him yet. 

“You know it takes time to deal with real estate,” Jason said. “Your trip was first, and it’s important. How about this, I’ll just find a place to rent, and when we’re up there together, we’ll have more time to look. Together.” He knew he was using his best convincing voice, hoping Ryan would calm down a little. “Baby… I know it’s a lot. Maybe we can figure out a way for you to keep the job, somehow. Like, a Score affiliate in Seattle. Or something like that. I hate for you to quit.” Jason really, really didn’t want Ryan to quit right now, not with everything still so unsure. “You’re upset I didn’t come home and ask you, aren’t you? I’m sorry, Ry. You know I’ve been so bored with all this nonsense work they’ve given me. It was nice to be recognized. I said yes without even thinking about it. Besides, you remember what it was like in Seattle?” he asked, his voice dropping into something a little bit sexy. “We had such a great time while we were there.” 

Ryan nodded. “We did,” he agreed quickly. “And I like the city, it’s just…” He rubbed his forehead. “I wish we could have talked about it before you told them yes. And three weeks isn’t very long, and I won’t even be here for one of them.” He dropped his eyes to the table, between their two pasta containers. “I’ll have to leave Chaz,” he mumbled as that started to come back to the forefront. “He’s so broken right now. Just like you said...first Mike and now me?” He looked up, and he saw the look on Jason’s face, and guilt rushed over him. “Jay, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a downer about this. I’m just shocked. Congratulations, of course.” He stood up, and reached for his boyfriend.

Jason stood up to meet him, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s neck. “Chaz will be okay. Like I said, maybe you should wait to tell him for a few days.” He pushed his fingers up into the back of Ryan’s hair and smiled. “Thanks for the congrats,” he whispered before he leaned in to kiss his boyfriend. _There. It’s all going to be fine. He won’t say anything to Chaz before I can talk to Mike. And I can tell there’s part of him that wants to go. We’ve never really been alone, just the two of us. Maybe it would work out._ The idea that Mike might not be coming back to the loft tonight was one he didn’t want to dwell on. He’d know Mike’s decision if he didn’t come home. 

Their kiss lingered, but when they separated, Ryan kept his arms around Jason’s waist. “I’ll always support you. I think it’s great, just like I said when you first told me. You’re so smart and talented, and they know it. That’s amazing.” Ryan pulled Jason closer, leaning his head on his shoulder, his body slumping just a little. “Seattle. It’s so far away.”

“Well, I know.” Jason pressed his lips together in thought. He couldn’t see Ryan’s face, but he could hear the sadness in his voice and feel it in his hug. “It’s not too far by plane, you know. You can still come to L.A. to visit.” 

“I know,” Ryan said before he decided to suck it up. His boyfriend was getting a great opportunity, and he was going to be supportive. He turned his head and kissed Jason’s cheek. “Let’s eat, Mr. Manager,” he said with a smile. “In fact, we should open some wine to go with it.”

“Wow. Wine? You sure?” Jason was surprised. Ryan never offered to drink wine with him. It was always the other way around, him suggesting wine and Ryan either reluctantly agreeing or turning him down. The offer brought him to a pause, the idea that Ryan could learn to live in his world was one he hadn’t considered for months. He’d been so caught up on the idea of Mike that he hadn’t been nurturing his relationship with Ryan. There was a curious sense of uncertainty around everything, and Jason couldn’t decide if he should be relieved that Mike and Chester could be making up. _This could just be a mistake. And Ry and I will leave together and be happy in Seattle. Away from Chaz. Maybe it’s not about Mike, it’s about leaving Chaz behind. _

Ryan leaned back and smiled wide. “Yeah. I’m sure. I know it’s not usually my thing, but it’s something to celebrate, right? You’re going to be this big important person and Seattle will be great. Just you and me and some trendy place,” he mused as he kept thoughts of Chester and Score and leaving the city he loved away. _He’s been through so much, with Mark and YRS and now it’s his time. He deserves it._ “So if you have red wine stashed in our hubble over there,” he said, nodding his head back toward the bed in the corner. “I’ll drink my share with you.”

Jason didn’t sit down. “Yeah, I do.” He went to retrieve the bottle - one he’d bought with Mike in mind - and then stopped. “What are we going to drink it out of? Chaz didn’t take my wine glasses did he?” He looked back over toward the kitchen. “Surely not. He knows those are mine. And my corkscrew. Oh my god, he wouldn’t take my corkscrew, would he?” Part of him wouldn’t have been surprised. Chester was good at taking things that belonged to him. The loft. Mark. Ryan. Jason tried not to let the bitterness change his mood. 

Ryan waved his hand through the air. “He wouldn’t. He only took what was his.” He turned away and headed into the kitchen. He wasn’t quite sure which drawer Jason kept the corkscrew in, so he started opening them all. “Found it!” he called, digging it from the very back of the last drawer he tried. “And glasses.” He spun around and headed for the tallest cabinet in the kitchen. It didn’t surprise him when he saw the set of four wine glasses still in their place. He grabbed two of them, and held them up. “Wine time.” 

“Oh, good.” Jason produced the wine bottle and made his way back to the table. “I hope you like it. It’s a cabernet sauvignon. Kind of dense for someone who doesn’t drink wine.” He took the corkscrew from Ryan and kissed his cheek. “I won’t be offended if you don’t like it.” He twisted the cork out and poured them each a glass. They were only about a quarter of the way through to give them plenty of room to aerate it. Jason picked up the glass and swirled it a few times before he took a deep breath. “God, that smells amazing.” 

Ryan looked into his glass. It looked like blood, and he wasn’t feeling the smell, but Jason looked elated. “It does smell,” he tried to agree, a smile cracking his face. “Show me how to do this again? We’re supposed to shake it, right? Like juice?”

Jason’s mouth dropped open in bewilderment. “No,” he mouthed softly. _Shake it like juice. No, no, no. Ry, baby, you’re going to have to do better than that._ He kept himself from rolling his eyes and leaned down, sliding his hand under Ryan’s and picking the glass up together. “You swirl, baby, like this.” He moved his hand in a slow circle and watched the wine move up the sides of the glass, creating a little vortex in the center. “It’s called aerating. It opens up the wine and lets it breathe, and it tastes better.” He pulled his hand away and patted Ryan on the shoulder before he sat back down in his chair. “Now smell it. It will smell different. More intense.” 

Ryan inhaled deeply. Jason was right. It did smell a little different. “Okay, I think it’s working. It’s breathing,” he said, pointing at his glass. “How long does it need to breathe before we can drink it? My spaghetti is getting cold.” He let go of his glass to pick up his pasta container with both hands, almost like he was Oliver Twist, getting ready to ask for more.

“You can drink it whenever,” Jason instructed, “but I like to swirl mine a few times and let it sit. Wine’s always better on the couch, anyway.” He picked up his fork. “You’re right. We should eat, before it gets cold.”

As if on cue, the door to the apartment opened, and Mike walked in. He looked worse than when he left. _If that’s even possible. He looks awful._ Jason resisted the urge to get up and go to him, to offer comfort. He saw Ryan’s posture stiffen a little, but he didn’t turn around to greet Mike, and in the same sliver of time, Jason saw Mike’s eyes land on the wine bottle on the table.

“I’m back,” Mike said hollowly. He felt like he’d been hit by a truck. He stood next to the table for a second, studying the scene. _Takeout and wine. Ryan doesn’t even like wine. Jay says they never drink wine together. That’s our thing._ Mike looked at Ryan, whose focus was on his meal, then at the covered foil container across from him. “That mine?” he asked, pointing at the take out container.

Jason held Mike’s gaze. “Yeah. I was going to put it in the fridge after we ate. You want to eat with us?”

“I’m not hungry,” Mike answered. _And I don’t want to be around Ryan._ He stepped over to his spot and picked it up. “Thanks for getting it. I’ll eat it tomorrow. Maybe.” He walked it into the kitchen and shoved it in the refrigerator. “I’m just going to shower and go to bed. You guys enjoy your _wine._”

Ryan raised his glass. “We will,” he said happily, relieved that Mike hadn’t taken Jason’s invitation to join them. He took a quick sip before it dawned on him. “Have you told him about Seattle yet?” he asked Jason. 

Mike froze in the kitchen, his back to Ryan and Jason still. Jason shot Ryan a glare. “No, it hadn’t come up yet,” he said tightly, annoyed that Ryan would throw something like that out so casually. _Why would he do that? Fuck. And I won’t even get to talk to Mike about it tonight. Maybe not all weekend._ He picked up his wine glass and took a sip while he tried to figure out what to say. 

Ryan’s eyes narrowed a little at Jason’s sudden change in tone. He leaned forward. “Well you should. He’s going to be happy for you,” he encouraged. “And he’ll probably enjoy having the place to himself.” The thought of Mike getting to live in Chester’s loft…_Jay’s loft, but it’s been Chester’s home longer than any of us…_ was a little infuriating, but he knew he couldn’t do anything to change that. “He’s your friend, Jay. He’ll be stoked!” Ryan looked toward the kitchen. “Right, Mike? Did you hear? Jay got a huge promotion and he’s a manager and we’re moving to Seattle. He said you can stay here.” He motioned around the downstairs, the idea of getting miles - hundreds of miles - away from Mike Shinoda a happy one.

Mike turned around to Ryan’s smirk and Jason’s stunned face. _That wasn’t the conversation I asked him to have with Ryan. That’s the opposite of what I asked for. What in the hell, Jay?_ Mike ran a hand up through his messy hair and blinked. His eyes felt like sandpaper from crying, but he wasn’t going to start again. There had to be more to the story than what Ryan was saying. “Congratulations, Jason. I guess that explains the wine.” He didn’t wait for an explanation. “Sounds like we have a lot to talk about tomorrow. Good night.” Mike didn’t even glance back their way as he stalked over to the stairs. He wasn’t going to lose it right now. He’d met his emotional threshold for the day.

Jason watched Mike go upstairs, his heart beating furiously before he turned back to Ryan. “Why did you do that?” he hissed. “You couldn’t let it be on my terms? You hate Mike that much? God, Ry, way to ruin a good thing.” 

Ryan froze, his insides cringing at Jason’s harsh words and even harsher look. “I, I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I thought this was happy news. I didn’t know it was a secret.” He dropped his eyes. _We were having a good time. Why is he so upset? Mike will be happy for us. Why wouldn’t he be? He’ll probably miss Jay, but I’m sure he’ll be overjoyed at me leaving. And he’ll get to stay here, probably rent free...it’s win/win for him._ “Sorry, Jay, I won’t bring it back up,” he said, as he looked down at his food and slowly twirled another bite of spaghetti around his fork. 

“No, I’m sorry.” Jason sighed, immediately contrite. “I shouldn’t be snippy with you about it. You’re right. It’s happy news.” He forced himself to not look toward the loft and smile softly at Ryan instead. He’d have to worry about Mike and how to smooth everything over with him later. “I’m sure it’s fine, he didn’t look like it mattered much to him.” Jason widened his eyes. “Gosh, I hope he doesn’t tell Chaz. I mean, you want to be able to do that, right?” 

Ryan hadn’t managed to get a bite in his mouth, and now his fork slowly went back down to rest on top of his spaghetti. “Would he do that? I don’t even know what he and Chaz talked about tonight.” He let his fork go to pick up his phone. He clicked the screen, but he had no new messages from Chester. “I don’t want Mike to tell him. I need to be the one to do it.” 

Jason nodded. “See? I didn’t mean to snap at you, but us moving, it’s a big deal. There’s a way to do it, you know? Do you want me to go ask him not to say anything?” Even if Ryan said no, at least he would back off of Mike a little bit. Jason hadn’t missed the joy Ryan took in telling Mike they were leaving.

Ryan let out a long sigh that he felt from his legs to his shoulders. _How am I ever going to tell Chazzy that I’m moving away? That I’m leaving our job?_ He nodded slowly. “You’re right, that’s probably best. I don’t want him to hear it coming from anyone else. He’s already a mess.” He looked at his phone again, knowing there were no new notifications, but he had to check. It took every bit of his willpower to not text first, to ask Chester how things had gone with Mike. _He told me to go. He wanted his space...but he let Mike come over. And Mike looks awful. That probably means Chaz feels even worse._

Ryan’s stomach hurt, and he blamed it on the wine as he slowly stood up. “Not sure that’s sitting right with me.” He nodded toward his glass, which he’d only taken a few sips from. “I’m going to lay down.” He walked his uneaten food to the trash and pitched it in before grabbing one of the other wine glasses and filling it with water instead. He took a long drink, and then left it by the sink before he crossed the apartment and pulled back the blankets. He looked up to see that Jason hadn’t moved. “I’ll probably go see Chaz in the morning, make sure he’s okay. But after that, if you want, we can look at places online together.” He kicked his shoes off, but left every other stitch of clothing he was wearing on. Sleeping in jeans and a t-shirt wasn’t his favorite, but it seemed unimportant in that moment.

He gingerly climbed into bed, the need to curl up under the blanket was thick, and before long his head was on his pillow as he stared at Jason, just over the back of the couch. “I’ll have to tell Forrest,” he said, and he wasn’t even sure if he’d spoken loud enough for Jason to hear. “I’ll have to give him notice after I tell Chaz. I signed a contract, I’m not sure how that will go.” 

Suddenly Jason didn’t feel so hungry either. Watching Ryan lay down, his distress over the move so painfully obvious, stuck a guilty chord in him. He didn’t want Ryan to quit his job when he wasn’t sure the Seattle plans included him. He stood up with his wine glass. “Let me go make sure Mike doesn’t text him,” Jason said as he crossed the room. “I’ll be right back.” He was up the stairs before Ryan even responded, pausing at the dresser when Mike held his hand out to stop him. 

“I’m not going to text Chester,” Mike said flatly, loud enough for Ryan to hear. “It’s all hard enough right now. I’m not going to make it any worse than I already have.” He looked at Jason and at the wine glass in his hand, then levelled his gaze directly at his lover. “Seattle. That’s quite the move, Jay. A lot of change. You must be excited.” He took a step forward and plucked the wine glass from Jason’s hand. Mike didn’t bother to infuse any enthusiasm into his voice. “What an opportunity.” He held Jason’s eyes and took a silent drink from his glass.

“It’s a great opportunity,” Jason affirmed, shaking his head _no_ as he watched Mike drink his wine. He knew Ryan was listening to their exchange so he threw Mike a silent, pleading look. If Ryan was going to go see Chaz in the morning, he could set things straight with Mike then. He reached out and touched the side of Mike’s face softly, wishing he could take the wounded animal look out of his eyes. “Anyway,” he said, “I know it’s been a long day. Sorry things with Chaz didn’t go the way you wanted.”

Mike took another sip, then handed the wine back to Jason. _So there is more to all of this than he can say. Fine. He better explain himself in the morning._ “It’s my fault,” he mumbled, the immediacy of what was happening with Jason shoved to the side as he thought about the state Chester was in when he left Amir’s. “I really don’t want to talk about it.” 

Jason nodded. “Right. Sorry, sorry I barged up here.” He turned back to the stairs and started down. “After you shower, if you want some wine, it’s on the table,” he called over his shoulder to Mike. _So he did it. Made a choice. At least I think he did. So I’ve got Ry all upset for nothing._ Jason went straight from the stairs to the bed and sat next to Ryan. “He’s not going to tell Chaz,” he whispered, touching Ryan’s shoulder. “Maybe you should check on him. It doesn’t sound like it went well.” 

Ryan had his eyes shut. His phone was on vibrate and clutched in his hand out of sight under the blanket. “He doesn’t want to talk to me. I offered to stay earlier, he sent me away. Hopefully he’ll let me come over in the morning.” He sniffed as he buried his head a little more into the pillow. “You were right with what you said before...we gave Mike reasons to be jealous. Jealous enough to accuse us of cheating. Chaz said the same thing. That he let Mike down by being so close to me. I think he wants to put some space between us.” That was all hard to admit, hard to say out loud, when he and Chester had always so adamantly defended their friendship. But it had obviously crossed a line somewhere. Even Chester thought so, and Ryan looked up. “I’m sorry about that, too, Jay. It won’t happen again.” 

“Shh,” Jason hushed him, running his hand over Ryan’s back. From the corner of his eye he saw Mike come downstairs and he ignored him, waiting until he heard the door to the bathroom close before he leaned down and kissed the top of Ryan’s hair. “He’ll come around. Things with Mike are fresh still. If Chaz was really worried about it, he wouldn’t have let you help move him out. You know?” He brought his wine glass to his lips where Mike’s had been and took a sip. “And… don’t apologize to me, Ry. I know you didn’t cheat. I never said you did.” 

“I guess,” Ryan mumbled. He really didn’t want to talk about it. Chester pushing him away was always a terrible feeling. When it was Mike keeping Chester from him, that was one thing, but when his friend willingly and purposefully put space between them, it was a different sort of hurt. _But I can’t do anything about it. He knows I’m here if he needs me. I shouldn’t be letting this get me down. Not tonight._ He reached over with one hand, rubbing it over Jason’s thigh. “Are you excited to move to Seattle? You’ve lived here all your life...right?” Ryan’s eyes narrowed a little in thought. He couldn’t remember Jason ever talking about living anywhere else, then again, there was a whole section of Jason’s life - pre-YRS - that Ryan didn’t know much about. 

“It will be different,” Jason agreed, trying to keep up with all the back and forth emotions of Ryan and Mike. “I don’t think the reality of moving has hit me yet. The only time I’ve spent out of L.A. is time I’ve spent traveling… thinking about leaving it all behind… it’s scary but exciting, too. It’s a fresh start.” He thought about everything that needed to be done, which included figuring out how to keep Ryan from quitting Score on Monday. “You know, you should let me look at your contract,” he mentioned lightly as he continued to rub Ryan’s back. “Just to make sure there won’t be any trouble with you leaving, or any trouble for Chaz. That way when you tell him we’re moving, you’ll be able to let him know his job will be fine. I’m sure your contracts are separate, but I’d have to look.”

The idea rolled around in Ryan’s thoughts for a moment, and as it did, a sliver of peace came with it. Jason was smart, and he knew a lot about entertainment contracts. He’d done all that work at YRS for years. _If I can tell Chazzy he doesn’t have to worry about Score, that will be one less thing on his plate._ Ryan picked his head up and smiled. “That would be great. He’s already got so much going on, if he doesn’t have to worry about his job then that’s one less thing. I’ll get a copy of it Monday from their office.” He squeezed Jason’s leg. “Thanks, that actually makes me feel a lot better. And you’re right. Seattle will be a fresh start for us. I’ll miss the hell out of L.A. but Seattle was really neat, from what I got to see of it. And we already know where one grocery store is, and a great seafood place.”

The memory of kissing Ryan in the rain at the grocery store in Seattle came on strong, and the smile it brought to Jason’s face was genuine. “I almost kept driving that night,” he remembered. “It was turn one way and go back to the way things were, and turn the other way and disappear with you. Things would have been so different if I’d turned the other way. We could have run away together.” Jason finished off his wine. “I wonder where we could have ended up.” The sobering thought that followed - _not far enough, Mark would have found us_ \- followed right on the heels of that statement, and Jason patted Ryan’s shoulder and stood up. “I need to re-cork this. I’m done for the night, and I don’t think Mike’s going to want any.”

Ryan watched as Jason got up and headed for the kitchen, and the urge to follow him hit. He slid from the bed, still dressed, and crossed the space, his socks sliding on the polished floors. He didn’t even give the bathroom door a glance. He could care less that Mike was in the house. He would be going upstairs soon, and then he and Jason would have the downstairs to themselves.

“What if we would have just ended up in Seattle? It’s kind of ironic, now we get to do that. It’s like, in a way we did turn the other way...it just took us awhile.” He moved behind Jason while he worked with the wine bottle, and gently wrapped his arms around him. Ryan placed a soft kiss to his neck before nuzzling his nose up to Jason’s hairline. Thinking back, remembering, it was making him feel much better about how things were working out. Even though it had been a surprise, even though Jason hadn’t really asked, but had told him they were going, it was starting to resettle on his heart and mind in a more positive way. “We won’t have to sneak around this time,” he murmured with his lips close to Jason’s skin. “Or ever again. We can go all over the city, ride the ferries and go down to the docks to watch all the fishermen.” He shut his eyes as he daydreamed. “Mr. Manager...it’s going to be great.” 

Jason let himself lean back into Ryan’s arms, his mind embracing the idea of Ryan coming to Seattle with him. “It _is_ going to be great.” He got the cork in the bottle and turned around, right into his boyfriend’s waiting lips. Ryan’s kiss was soft and familiar, and Jason cupped his face in one hand, stroking over the scruff there with his thumb. The sadness that had been over Ryan a few minutes ago seemed to transfer to Jason as he parted his lips and let Ryan in. _it’s going to kill him when I tell him I’m going alone. He’s right. We wouldn’t have to sneak around. We could really see what it’s like to be together. Alone. I haven’t been very fair to him. He’s never had me all to himself._ He broke the kiss and his breath caught as Ryan opened his eyes, the striking blue looking at him with such devotion. “You still feel like going to bed? Or are you feeling better?”

“I’m feeling better,” Ryan told him, his hands flexing over the small of Jason’s back. “It’s Friday night, and neither of us have to get up in the morning. What do you want to do?” He was up for whatever Jason suggested. It was his night - their night - to be close and talk of the future the way lovers do. 

“Hmmm.” Jason heard the bathroom door open and ignored it. “I’m thinking a movie on the couch. Something we’ve seen so we can talk, too. What do you think?”

Mike walked out of the bathroom in his pajamas and right into the sight of Ryan and Jason embracing. He bit his bottom lip between his teeth - hard - and made his way across the loft without saying anything. He’d decided in the shower he didn’t want any more wine, he just wanted to go to sleep. The faster, the better, so he could get to tomorrow and closer to finding out what was really going on. _Jay better have a great explanation for all this Seattle talk tomorrow. I know he’s not ending things with Ryan right now, with Ches and I just now broken up, but why would he tell him about Seattle?_

Upstairs he didn’t bother to turn on the lamp. He pulled back the blanket in the dark and got in bed. It was lonely without Chester next to him. _I hope he’s okay. He looked so… broken._ Mike closed his eyes, trying to shut out the low murmur of Ryan and Jason below him. _I want him to be okay. One day he’ll forgive me. I hope. _

****  
TBC


	26. The Truth Revealed

Jason sat on the couch in his pajamas for a good fifteen minutes after Ryan walked out the door. His eyes were looking at the bed in the corner, but not really seeing it. It was taking a little time to wrap his head around how spectacularly wrong telling Ryan about Seattle had gone. Even though he’d planned how to keep Ryan from telling Chester, it hadn’t crossed his mind that Ryan would tell Mike. _Now I have to explain it to Mike without upsetting him. I don’t know what I was thinking. I panicked when Mike left to go see Chester. I could see them getting back together. Would Mike do that? Change his mind about us? _

Last night he’d spent with Ryan, talking and giggling and making plans that he knew would never come to fruition. It felt like how they’d talked when he was still married to Mark. Plans of a future that didn’t seem real to him, but sounded nice in a shared fantasy. The problem facing him now was that Ryan was actually excited to go to Seattle. _It’s one more thing I’ll break his heart over. I was supposed to make him doubt us, not give him reasons to believe we’re fine. It went the total opposite way. God, he even tried to drink wine._ Jason dropped his head and looked at his hands. They were clutching his pajama pants and he hadn’t even noticed. _Mike was right about me owing Ryan better. He owed Chester better, too._

The past six months had showed Jason Wakefield a lot of things. He was capable of making his own decisions. He was independent, smart, financially responsible. He was doing fine without Mark. But the biggest thing he’d realized, once the seed had been planted via the voice notes in Mark’s phone, was the distinct differences in him and Ryan. In Mike and Chaz. Jason knew for him, at least, those differences had been exciting when he and Ryan were first dating and for a long time after that. But he was able to realize that secretly being with Ryan and having a real relationship with him were two different things. He could love Ryan - and he did - but their incompatibility as life partners had become more and more apparent over the months. _He tries, he does. But Mike, he doesn’t have to try. He just fits. Socially, culturally, he fits. When we’re together, it won’t be this shock like it was with Ryan. I already know he’s an artist, so he appreciates art on an intellectual level. He’s a musician. He comes from money and class. He’s just different. There won’t be any surprises._ It occurred to him that his thoughts were somewhat an effect from Mark’s words, but it made more and more sense to Jason the more he studied all of them and the way they interacted. 

Part of him had been waiting for Mike to look at the whole situation and ask, _what’s going to keep you from leaving me too, or cheating on me, when you did it to Mark, you did it to Ryan?_ The truth was, Jason didn’t know what to say if Mike ever thought to ask. He just hoped that he didn’t. Jason knew he would never look Mike in the eyes and say, “I know you’re the one because Mark chose you. He saw the chemistry. He’s never wrong.” It was part of the reason he knew Ryan and Chester were meant to be together. He knew it with the same certainty that Brad predicted things. When Mark paired people together, he didn’t miss.

_So what do I do now, hon? I’m going to break Ryan’s heart, and if I don’t, I’ll break Mike’s. Why did you have to show me Mike? Ry and I would have been happy. Was it really just because you knew he needed to be with Chaz? You always wanted the best for him._ Jason looked around the loft. His loft. He remembered the excitement of picking it out, the look on Mark’s face as he generously presented him the keys and told him to do what he wanted with the space. It lasted just long enough for him to buy furniture before Mark was handing it over to Chaz. _Is that what you were mad about? That I took Ry from him? Or that Mike took Chaz from you? I guess it doesn’t matter now, even though you still seem to affect every decision we make._

The loft and its memories would be a non-issue when he was in Seattle, and it was something Jason was looking forward to more than anything. He wanted the exact opposite of the kind of place they’d stayed last year for YRS. Something nice, something upscale, but definitely smaller. Intimate. Just enough room for the two of them to have space when they wanted it. _The two of us. Me and Mike. I hope I can get him to understand._ The look on Mike’s face last night as he made a point to drink the wine they were meant to share told him it wasn’t going to be easy to explain himself.

With a sigh Jason checked the time on his phone. Ryan had been gone long enough for it to feel safe, so he headed for the stairs. He was going to have to wake Mike up so they could talk. He didn’t really know how much time he had. 

Mike was asleep on what Jason knew to be his side of the bed, his arms wrapped around a pillow as he slept alone. Jason watched him for a minute. He thought about Mike’s open, innocent face the morning he talked to him in the kitchen at YRS. He’d been right to be wary of Mark, yet he trusted what Jason told him anyway. He hoped that Mike would trust him now. A lot had happened the past week.

He pulled back the blanket and slid into bed next to Mike. It would be easy to fall asleep instead of doing what he needed to do. There was a temptation to ignore it, but Jason steadied his thoughts, got everything lined up and ready to go before he reached to gently touch Mike’s arm. He started with just his fingers, then flattened his palm as he rubbed Mike’s forearm and watched his face. His hair was hanging over into his eyes, and he looked peaceful. Much different than how he’d looked the past few days. Jason hated to wake him.

“Mike. Mikey, wake up,” Jason whispered. He slid a little bit closer, until he felt their knees touch. “Mike. It’s morning. We need to talk.” Jason waited for the stretch that told him Mike had heard his whisper, and then smiled at the way Mike’s eyes squeezed together. “Hey, sweetheart,” he said in a little bit stronger voice. “Wake up for me.”

Mike felt Jason’s hand on his arm. He didn’t know what time it was, but he could tell Jason was in the bed with him. “It’s Saturday,” he complained, not even moving. “I want to sleep.”

“You’ve been sleeping a lot. You can’t stay in bed all day,” Jason prompted.

“I _could_,” Mike fussed, “but _somebody_ is in here waking me up. What do you want, Jay? I’m tired.” He refused to open his eyes. If Jason wanted to talk, he could start without his eyes being assaulted by the sunlight.

“I want to talk about last night before Ry gets back,” Jason said. “I want to know how things went with Chaz.”

Mike scrunched his face into the pillow for a second. He didn’t want to talk about Chester. “Can’t you tell?” he said when he moved his face back out of the pillow. “He’s completely wrecked. _I’m_ not much better. It sucks. Breaking up sucks. Realizing that I’m the reason he’s hurting, it sucks. I could make it better, but I’m choosing not to. That’s how things went. And then I walk in and you’re drinking wine with Ryan and telling him about Seattle.” Mike’s voice was losing its edge of sleepiness the longer he talked. “What was that all about, Jason? Don’t ask me how things went with Ches. I did my part.” He pulled his arm away from Jason’s touch and turned his back to him. 

Jason sat up and crossed his arms. He couldn’t believe Mike was going to try to fight with him this morning. “Do you think fighting with me is going to make you feel better, Mike? _You_ are the one that chose this direction the other night. That wasn’t my idea. Don’t blame me for your guilt.” He watched Mike cringe and his hand come up to cover his eyes. “Like I said, none of this is going the way we planned for it to go. You can lay here and wish it would all go away, or you can realize we’re just going to have to deal with it. A little bit at a time.”

“Right. Me first, then you’ll end it with Ryan when you can. I know the plan. I don’t understand Seattle, Jason. That was supposed to be between us.”

Jason lowered his voice from the indignant tone he’d just been using. “I thought it would be better to mention it, with us going out there next week. You know Ryan will call, he’ll want to talk, and a little bit of truth is better than a complete lie. He’s going to end up not being able to go anyway, he just doesn’t realize it yet. I’m pretty sure his contract with Score isn’t going to just let him out that easily. Or if it does, it will affect Chaz. And Ryan’s not going to do anything that hurts Chaz right now.” Jason leaned over and brushed his fingers through Mike’s hair. “Listen. You don’t have anyone to answer to next week. I do. It seemed easier to be able to tell him everything I did during the day, just to leave you out of it. It’s less to keep track of.”

Mike sighed. He could see the logic in what Jason was saying, but it seemed unnecessarily cruel to bait Ryan with Seattle. “He seems to be excited about going. How are you going to deal with that? Or did you get that far yet? I asked you to try to make it easier, not fuck it up even more.” 

“I know,” Jason answered. “Turn around and look at me. I hate talking to your back.” He waited for Mike to decide to roll over, his arm over his eyes. “You going to Chaz last night, it threw me off. It was my turn to panic, the way you did the other night when I told you about Seattle. I could only think that it would end up the way it did the night Chaz cut his hair. I could see you two getting back together because coming home and having his stuff gone was real. All of it was real, and I’m not sure you’d really put that together. So I panicked, and I thought I should tell Ryan about Seattle, just in case.” He pulled Mike’s arm down from his eyes. “Look, it _will_ be easier for him to know where I am, but that wasn’t all of it, and I don’t want to lie to you. I want you to know I’m going to tell you everything. I know we’re starting this all wrong, with all these lies and secrets, but I don’t want us to be like that. I told him about Seattle in case you changed your mind. In case you decided this wasn’t what you wanted.” He stopped. Mike could take this the way he intended, in the spirit of him trying to show how trustworthy he was, or he could blow up, and Jason wasn’t sure which way it was going to go.

Mike let out a long breath and sat up so he could look Jason straight in the eyes. “You told him so you could make a plan B.” He shook his head. “You think that you’re my plan B, don’t you?”

Jason shrugged. “I didn’t. Not until last night. I think it’s hard to let go. I know you still love Chester. I love Ryan. I will always love him, and I think you’ll always love Chaz. They’re part of us. It’s easy to go with the comfortable thing, and right now, it would be way easier for us to stay where we are. Part of us would be happy with that. Ry and I could be happy in Seattle.” He really needed Mike to understand all of this. Jason paused and searched for the perfect words. “There would be things lacking between us, though, just like if you stayed with Chaz. You love him and you could be happy. But there would always be this thing, this part of you that wondered if you were as happy as you could be. If Chaz met every single relationship checkbox you have. We can do the easy thing, Mike. Plan B is the easy thing. But in the long run, we’d be hurting them more than the pain we’re causing by letting them go right now. In the long run, if we stay with them, there are needs not being met, on both sides. I was afraid you’d choose the easy way last night.” Jason held his hand out. “I keep telling you, it’s going to be fine when we leave, when we’re together. But we have to be each other’s plan A. No more second guessing each other.”

It all sounded logical when Jason talked him through it, and Mike felt his disappointment and fear from last night starting to melt. “You didn’t have a plan B until I left.” He reached out and put his hand in Jason’s. “I didn’t mean to leave you feeling that way. I was just so relieved he wanted to talk to me. I wanted to try to make things right, Jason. I _do_ feel guilty. But… you’re right. The right thing and the easiest thing aren’t always the same. This is hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be,” he admitted, “and having to see you with Ryan, it makes me second guess everything. I don’t want to second guess. I needed to hear you say I was your choice, too.” He looked into Jason’s dark eyes. “Making the choice to make us happen, knowing how much it will hurt them… it’s just been a lot to take in.”

“I know.” Jason squeezed Mike’s hand. “You have such a good heart. I’m going to protect it, Mike. I promise.” _I’ll set limits and we’ll have an open dialogue. We’ll trust each other to tell all of the truth. He’s not going to be the way he was with Chaz. I know inside, he’s better than commands and possessiveness, bruises and fingernail marks. That’s not him, not really. He’s not that way with me._ “Come here,” he said softly, tugging on Mike’s hand. 

Mike scooted over and Jason’s arms went around him immediately. “Are we okay? I swear to you, I’ll make things right with Ryan. Just give me time. I’m sorry I panicked. I really want us to work. I know we’re going to be happy together. I know it.” 

“I’m ready for it to stop hurting,” Mike mumbled as he pressed his face into Jason’s warm neck, his lips brushing Jason’s skin. _Can we just skip to the happy part? Can we leave so I don’t have to be faced with what I’ve done? I never, never thought this would be my life. Ches and I were supposed to be forever._ “Now that we’ve decided, I want to just go.”

Jason rubbed his hands over Mike’s back. “You’ve got plenty to keep you busy. You have a college application to fill out, essays to write, and practicing to do if you’re going to be accepted and start in the fall. Throw yourself into that until we go to Seattle next week, and the time will fly by. Go online and make a list of areas you want to look at for a house or an apartment. Anything you want, sweetheart. You focus on that, and I’ll worry about Ryan. All I need is time.”

Mike nodded. “I can do that.” He sat back, his mind already clicking along. “I _do_ need to practice. I had my stuff ready to go last year and things got so crazy at YRS, and I never took any auditions. I need to get back in shape.” He flexed his fingers and thought about going downstairs right now to get started. A little ball of energy was building in his stomach at the thought of finally going to college. It was a welcome distraction from the sorrow of the past few days.

“I’ll go pick us up some coffee from that little pastry shop around the corner, and you can start with whatever you want. I don’t know when Ry will be home, so we shouldn’t stay up here.” Jason reached out and put both his hands on Mike’s cheeks. “God knows I want to, though.” He leaned forward and drew Mike into a slow, soft good morning kiss. They had barely had time to even kiss each other since last Thursday, and Jason was missing it. He gently sucked on Mike’s bottom lip before he let him go, pulling back and stroking Mike’s cheeks with his thumbs. “Come on. Let’s get the ball rolling.” 

****

Ryan wasn’t surprised when Noah opened the door. The redhead smiled softly at him as he stepped back and waved Ryan in. “It’s good you’re here,” he said, letting out a heavy sigh, like he’d had a long night. 

Ryan looked around the apartment. Everything looked in order. He could smell fresh coffee and there were muffins on the small table, neatly piled into a red wicker basket. It reminded him of YRS immediately. “Where’s Amir?” he asked as he walked over to the table, noticing quickly there was only one cup of coffee sitting out. 

Noah wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing his freckled elbows as he stood close by. “He’s at work. I’m here so Chaz isn’t alone.” He nodded toward the closed bedroom door, and then he noticed the two hot fudge sundaes Ryan was holding, and the stuffed green alien tucked under his arm. “Are those for him?” 

“Yeah. Figured I’d try to cheer him up a little. Have you seen him this morning?” 

Noah shook his head. “Not really. He came out earlier to go to the bathroom, but he wouldn’t talk to me. He…he looked like he’d been crying.” Noah held himself a little tighter. “I can’t believe they broke up.” 

Ryan thought about saying something, mentioning that Mike had been over last night and had Noah and Amir heard anything, but he didn’t. He would just go ask Chester and get the truth about it all. He watched as Noah walked around the table and sat back down in front of his coffee cup. He seemed calm, subdued, like he wasn’t the annoying young redhead who was starstruck over everyone and everything. _Amir’s right. He’s not bad in the mornings._

“Ryan, would you like some coffee?” Noah asked, his voice gentle. Meek. “We have plenty.” 

“No thanks, Noah. I’m just going to go see if Chaz will talk to me.” 

“He always talks to you.” 

Ryan shook his head. “No, he doesn’t. Not lately.” He turned away and headed for the nearby bedroom. He didn’t want to admit to Noah that Chester had pushed him away a few times since all of this had happened. It was hard enough to admit it to Jason last night. He smiled at the thought of his boyfriend, and the good night they had last night. The wine hadn’t been much to speak about, but they’d spent the night on the couch, laughing and planning and dreaming together about their new life in Seattle. They’d talked about what they wanted in a new place, and job options for Ryan. Seattle wasn’t L.A., but Ryan was ready for a change. He was ready to have Jason to himself so they could grow and thrive as a couple. 

He knocked lightly on the door and waited for Chester to invite him in. Depending how things went, he might hang onto his Seattle news. Leaving Chester behind was going to be the hardest part, and Ryan felt his heart pinch a little as he heard a rough, “Come in” from the other side of the door. 

Ryan stepped in, the alien still under his arm and the plastic sundae cups balanced in one hand. “Chaz? Is it okay if I’m here?” Chester was on the bed, under the pink and silver blanket, and Ryan cursed himself. He was going to bring something better for Chester, but his unexpected great night with Jason had distracted him. _God, I’m a sucky friend._

“Yeah, it’s fine, Ry,” Chester said. He was on his back, his arms beside him as he stared up at the ceiling. “I’m just laying here thinking…wondering what to do.” 

Ryan shut the door and walked over to the bed. He sat down. “Maybe I can help…brought you a hot fudge sundae.” He maneuvered everything he was holding around, letting the alien drop softly to the floor for the moment, before he held one of the ice creams out. 

Chester looked over. “No thanks,” he mumbled. “I’m not in the mood.” 

Ryan’s heart sank. He was really hoping he could at least get Chester to eat a little something. “Okay, well, I’ll leave it right here for you,” he said, leaving it on the nightstand. He shifted around, kicking his shoes off and propping his legs up on the bed out in front of him as he leaned his back against the headboard. The sundaes already had spoons in them, and he took a first bite, the cool treat felt glorious to his mouth and tongue and he hummed a little over the taste of the chocolate. “Mike came in last night. He looked awful.” 

“Good,” Chester spit, before he closed his eyes. “I don’t mean that. I just don’t understand any of this, and he’s not telling me.”

“What did he say last night?” 

Chester looked up, watching as Ryan ate his ice cream. “That it’s his fault. He apologized for things, and I did, too. And then…nothing. He told me he knew I didn’t cheat, that he was just jealous and blew up over the ad.” 

“You know, I think our ad looks good. And we both had clothes on. You would think he was never a porn star,” Ryan huffed with an eye roll before taking another mouthful of ice cream. 

“You’d think. I think he only came over here just to make himself feel better. He didn’t care about anything I said.” He stopped, his bottom lip trembling. “I told him about doing the bartender thing so we’d have the money for his school, and he didn’t fucking care, Ryan. He didn’t give a damn. You know what he said?” He looked up and his eyes met Ryan’s. “He said that ‘therapy is important’ and ‘I’d be a great bartender’. That’s it. That’s all he fucking said.” 

Chester rolled over, facing Ryan. He stared at his black pants, and the hem of his dark gray shirt. “I told him I loved him. After all of it, I told him I loved him. He said it back, but he didn’t mean it. He just didn’t want to be a dick. He wouldn’t even look at me.” 

“I hate to say it, Chaz, but you’re probably better off without him. He hasn’t exactly treated you great, you know.” Ryan was trying to be as gentle as possible. “You’ll find someone better. Someone who doesn’t put you down or hold stuff against you that’s out of your control. Someone who trusts you.” 

“No, fuck that,” Chester said as he dead stared at Ryan’s hip. “I’m done, Ry. This sucks,” he cried, and despite his best effort, a tear slipped down his cheek anyway. “And if this is what it feels like, then I never want another boyfriend. I don’t ever want to be in love again. He just walked out, Ryan. I couldn’t stop myself. I felt like my insides were being ripped apart and I started crying and he just walked away after his fake _I love you_. He didn’t even care.” 

“I’m sure he cares some,” Ryan offered, despite his general dislike for Mike Shinoda. “He didn’t eat last night. I think it was the first time I’ve ever seen him refuse food.” 

Chester looked up. “He didn’t eat?” Mike not eating was unheard of, and Chester slowly sat himself up. “Well that makes me feel a little better. That sounds awful,” he grumbled at himself. He put his back against his pillow, his legs still under the blanket as Ryan sat on top of it while they sat side by side. “I just don’t get it. How do you go from being in love and being happy one day, to not loving someone the next day? It wasn’t even the next day,” Chester amended as he thought back to Monday. “He kissed me that morning. A good kiss. More than one kiss. Upstairs in bed, downstairs before I left. Everything was normal…better than normal. And then I came home and he was like this different person. And if he knows I didn’t cheat,” he went on, his hand going to his chest, “then why are we still apart?” 

“Because he’s an idiot,” Ryan grumbled, before letting that go. “Sorry, Chazzy, I just hate that you’re hurting and he did it to you.” 

“I think he’s seeing someone else.” 

Ryan heard himself gasp as he turned to look at Chester. “Really?” 

“Yeah. It’s the only thing that makes sense. He can’t stand to look at me,” he said, like he was making a list. “He won’t actually tell me what happened. He kept saying it was all his fault, that he broke us, and yet he made no effort to make things better last night.” He stopped, his sad expression falling another step. “I just wonder when it started. How long has he been lying to me? That’s what happened on Thursday. The night he turned me down, the night he didn’t give a fuck about me. Definitely since then at least.” 

Chester started to think back, as Ryan stayed quiet beside him, giving him room to process. “The skating party,” Chester finally said. “He didn’t care then, either. You remember? I was so scared I’d royally fucked up. Even though we were all crossing some lines…but I know you and I really did it. And he didn’t care. He never said anything to me about that day. And I guess I deserve that. God, Ry, what were we thinking? Kissing like that in front of everyone. No wonder he’s been cheating on me.” 

Ryan sat forward, his half-empty sundae cup in his hand. “Don’t do that to yourself, Chester. Yeah, we shouldn’t have done that, but it’s not like we were fucking out on the floor. We kissed. We couples skated, and only because Mike and Jay didn’t want to. I know it got heavier than we’d planned, but that’s no excuse for Mike to run out and fuck someone. Or a lot of someones. Or who knows what.” 

_A lot of someones?_ That thought didn’t sit right with Chester. “No,” he said, “it’s just someone. He stopped loving me and is in love with someone else…and he’s not fucking man enough to tell me.” 

Ryan eased himself back to the way he had been sitting, his back against the headboard. “Then he’s a jerk and you don’t need him. Want a bite?” he asked, holding up a spoonful of ice cream and chocolate sauce. 

Chester’s entire body let out a sigh before he leaned forward and took the offering from the plastic spoon. It was good, he had to admit. He couldn’t remember eating anything in the last few days. “Don’t hate me for saying this,” Chester said, as Ryan offered him another spoonful, “but I wonder if it’s Jason.” 

Everything stopped, including Ryan’s heart. “Why would you think that?” he asked, staring at Chester. 

“It makes sense. Ever since we played that card game and things got…open between all of us, Mike’s been kissing him. A lot. I told you,” he said, looking over to meet Ryan’s beautiful eyes that looked stunned. “I told you he liked kissing Jason. I think he likes it more than kissing me. They have all the stuff in common, and they get along well. And you’ve been saying how you think you and Jay aren’t going to make it, so that makes sense, too. And they’re home together when we’re not, so that’s opportunity, and they don’t talk about us when they’re together. Usually when you’re two-timing your boyfriends, you don’t spend hours discussing the ins and outs of relationships.” Chester wiped his hand across his face. “How could he do this to me? Us. How could they do this to us?” 

Ryan set his sundae down on the table before he twisted around on the bed. “If Mike’s cheating, and you’re right…he probably is. All the signs are there,” he admitted, and he hated the defeated look that crossed Chester’s eyes when he did. “But if he is, it’s not with Jay. Chazzy, I gotta tell you something.” He reached for Chester’s hand, squeezing it gently. “I wasn’t going to. Not right now. Not while you’re still hurt from all this, but…” 

“Ry, what is it?” Chester leaned forward, trying to catch Ryan’s eyes. “You know you can always tell me anything.” 

Ryan took a deep breath. “Okay…remember how Jay got his promotion last week?” 

“Of course. _Mr. Manager_,” Chester said with a short smile. “What about it?” 

“Well, he told me last night that it’s more than a promotion. It’s a transfer. They’re moving him to Seattle…and I’m going with him.” He shut his eyes. “I’m going to miss you,” he said before Chester could react. “That’s going to be the hardest part. But, it also means Jay’s not the one Mike’s screwing around with. You should have seen us last night, making plans and feeling excited about a new adventure. A new adventure together. For the first time in a long time, it felt like we were on the same page and that we’re going to be alright.” He stopped and looked up at Chester. “I’m sorry.” 

It was a lot to take in, and Chester could feel his insides going numb. There were only so many hits he could take. “You’re moving away?” he whimpered, and fresh tears streaked down his face. “To Seattle? Where it rains all the time?” 

“Chazzy, I’m sorry,” Ryan whispered as he reached and took Chester into his arms. He held him close, pressing their cheeks together. “I have to go. He’s my boyfriend. I love him, and he loves me, and it’s what you do for each other.”

Chester had his arms wrapped around Ryan’s body. “You’re going to be so far away…and right when I’m swearing off love and boyfriends.” 

Ryan turned his head to kiss Chester’s cheek. “It won’t be so bad,” he offered, his hand going up to pet over Chester’s soft curly mohawk. “We can text and FaceTime and we can still play all our games together, we’ll just do it online. And I’ll come see you,” he promised. “I’ve already thought about it. Every couple months I’ll come back to L.A. for a weekend or just a random few days and we’ll go do all the things. Maybe you can even come up to Seattle. If you come in the winter, there won’t be any thunderstorms.” 

Chester pulled back, wiping his face with his hand, and then his shirt. “That would be fun,” he said, knowing he didn’t have a choice. Ryan was leaving with Jason. He was being a good boyfriend, just like they’d vowed to do back in the YRS kitchen so many months ago. Chester looked down at the promise ring on Ryan’s hand. “It’s good, Ry,” he said before he looked up. “You’re good for him. You always have been.” 

“I think he’s good for me, too. He keeps me balanced. I know I’ve complained, but I think I’m ready to stretch and grow a little, come around to some of the things he enjoys. And hey, also, Jay and I talked about this last night, he’s going to look over our Score contracts for us, you know, to make sure you’ll be okay after I leave, so we’ll figure that out, too.” 

Chester’s head shot up. “Score? That’s right, you’ll have to quit.” 

Ryan nodded. “I know. I don’t want to, I really like it. And Forrest has been awesome.” 

“Yeah, he has,” Chester agreed immediately. 

“I want to give him as much notice as I can, but Jay wants to look over all the paperwork first. You know him, he knows all about contract stuff. And I’m sure Forrest will let you stay on after I’m gone. He really likes you.” 

Chester’s insides sank. So this was it. Mike was in love with someone else, and Ryan was leaving. It all pointed to a lonely life, and Chester was trying hard not to feel like he deserved that somehow. “Tell Jason thank you,” he said. “And I’m happy for you guys. I know you liked Seattle…despite all that rain.” 

Ryan took Chester’s hand, and slowly lifted it to his lips, kissing his knuckles. “It’s going to be alright, Chaz. Mike’s gone and you can move on.” His eyes fell to the rose gold I.D. bracelet still dangling from Chester’s small wrist. He’d seen it so many times, lazily wrapped around the blue and red flames that flared out from under it. But the sight of it now was heartbreaking. 

“I mean it, Ry,” Chester said, taking his hand back. “I’m done. I can’t go through this again. It’s not worth it. It hurts too much. I’ll go back to just being on my own. Party of one.” His face fell. “You should go,” he said, not looking up. “Go be with Jason…it’s the weekend. I’m sure he wants to spend as much time with you as possible, since the weeks are so busy.” 

Ryan opened his mouth to object, to say that he and Jason had a lifetime together to look forward to, but that his time with Chester was on a clock. But he didn’t. He patted Chester on the shoulder. “Okay, but call me if you want to talk more. Or we can go out and eat. I’m always here for you…and I always will be, Chester. Even if I’m in Seattle.” 

Chester nodded. “I know. Now go on,” he said, flipping his hand toward the closed bedroom door. “I’m no fun to be around right now. I’ll probably stay here all day brooding and I’ll eat the melted ice cream and angry text Mike later to call him out on being a cheater.” 

“Sounds like a full day,” Ryan said with a quick smile before he looked around the room. The thought of Chester keeping himself locked up in here wasn’t a pleasant one, and then he looked into the closet. He could see the box on the floor with shoes still scattered around, and Ryan’s heart sank. _He didn’t finish putting his shoes away. He’s just leaving them…that’s not like him at all._ “You sure you’re going to be okay?” 

Chester nodded. “As good as I can be. I can’t believe he’s been cheating on me, Ry. Mike of all people. He’s spent the last two years telling me I’m the one,” he said, tears stinging his eyes again. “But I’m not, obviously. He could have just told me. I love him, and I hate that I still love him even knowing he’s off with someone else. That he’s picking someone else over us. I can’t just turn it off, and I wish I could.” 

Ryan leaned over and kissed Chester quickly on his flushed cheek. “It’s just going to take time, Chaz. All of it.” 

Chester agreed, even though it felt like the hurt would never end. He watched as Ryan pulled his shoes on, and then scooped something up from the floor. “Brought you this…I saw it and thought of you,” Ryan said, tossing the little alien into Chester’s arms as he stood up from the bed. 

“Aw, it’s cute,” Chester said, smiling down at the bright green alien with big feet and eyes. “Thanks, Ry. You know me so well.” 

“Anything to make you feel better, and of course I know you. You’re my friend. Just, make sure you eat something, okay?” 

Chester nodded. “I will,” he promised before saying goodbye. He watched as Ryan left, closing the door behind him, and the silence hit Chester like a smack in the face. He laid down, pulling the blankets up around his shoulders, and holding the stuffed alien to his chest. _This is how it’s going to be from now on. Just me. It’s safer being alone._

****

“Here, sweetheart. How’s it going? What are you starting with?” Jason set a square brown box from the bakery on the table, and then handed Mike his coffee cup. He brushed Mike’s bangs from his eyes before he sat down at the table. “School or home?”

Mike looked up from Jason’s laptop. “School. I’ve already found the online application.” He picked up his coffee cup and sat back to peer at Jason thoughtfully. “It’s so many pages, and I have to upload a bunch of stuff. It will probably take the better part of the day. When we go to Seattle, I’d like to go see the campus.”

Jason smiled. Already Mike was focused on better things, on their future. It was exactly what he hoped would happen after they talked. “Of course. We can make an appointment to see an advisor, too, and maybe even talk to the head of the music school. Those are all things that need to happen. Knowing your advisor will help a lot. I made sure I stayed on good terms with mine.” He reached over and opened the bakery box. “There’s apple and cream cheese. They’re still a little warm. Which do you want?” 

“Oh, apple,” Mike decided immediately, watching Jason take one out and put it on a napkin. It was a huge turnover, puffy and flaky, with giant sugar crystals and a thin glaze of icing on the top. “Those look amazing.” 

“I love this place,” Jason enthused. “It’s been forever since I’ve been there, Chaz was always making breakfast.” He clamped his mouth shut as a shadow crossed Mike’s face. “Sorry,” he whispered, his hand going out to cover Mike’s. “It’s just so… new.”

Mike looked down at his pastry, his appetite waning a little. “Yeah. Everything is happening so fast. I was sitting here thinking about that while I was checking out the University website and starting to fill stuff in. A week ago things were so different.” He picked the corner off his turnover and popped it in his mouth. It was all flaky crust and sugar, no filling. “I wonder how Ches is this morning. I hope he’s a little better today.”

“Well, Ryan went over to check on him, I’ll ask when he gets back if you want me to.” He squeezed Mike’s hand and let go. He pulled the other apple turnover from the box and closed the lid. “It will be easier when we’re in Seattle and you’re not being reminded all the time,” he said confidently. He saw Mike nod and pick another bite off of his breakfast.

“I know.” Mike swiped a clean finger over the touchpad to keep the computer screen on. He’d barely gotten started when Jason got back. He didn’t want to tell him it had been a long back and forth in his mind as he sat with the computer, trying to decide which was first: looking for a place to live or filling out his application. Both seemed so final, so clear that he was leaving L.A. He kept reminding himself that he was getting what he wanted, even if it was still hurting right now. Jason was offering him everything. 

Chester’s words from last night, his thoughts about making more money and helping Mike go to school had replayed in his mind a few times. It seemed so unfair that they had to struggle so much. Everything had been a struggle, even when they were both trying to pretend that everything was fine. _I thought love was enough. It was supposed to be. And then everything got hard and here we are._ He pushed away the idea that he’d bailed on their relationship at the hard part, when he’d promised Chester he would always be there. _He’ll be okay with Ryan. They’ve been close for so long. And Jason and I have been falling in love for months. It happened so slowly I didn’t even really notice it._

“What are you thinking about?” Jason asked after a few minutes of silence between them. He’d eaten half his turnover and Mike hadn’t said a word in that amount of time.

Mike sighed. “Just thinking back. Trying to figure out when everything changed. When you and I started to become what we are now. Trying to figure out when we fell in love. I don’t think I know.” It was a confusing realization. Neither of them had uttered the word _love_, yet he’d allowed Jason to become closer to him, to kiss him and touch him, to ultimately make love to him. _But we’ve never said it. We are in love, aren’t we?_

Jason picked up his coffee. “I don’t know. I’m not sure when it all changed. Does it really matter if it was while we were eating sushi downtown, or when you stood in the kitchen and looked at my tattoo? Was it before the art show or after that crazy game night? I don’t think either of us know.” He didn’t think he could pinpoint the moment he fell in love with Mark, or when he realized that Ryan was more than a fling. Things like _timing_ didn’t seem all that important. 

There was another long pause. Mike looked at the computer screen again, at the University of Washington logo in the upper left corner, and all the tabs he needed to click through and complete. He so badly wanted to complete the application. He wanted to start that path and someday have the degree he’d been dreaming about. That his parents had wanted for him, even if they’d wanted a different career path. _He’s giving me school. He’s giving me a home and status. He’s giving me financial security. He’s giving me everything Chester can’t give me right now. Right now._ Mike dropped his eyes to his pastry. “You _do_ love me, don’t you, Jay?” 

The tone of Mike’s voice caused Jason’s heart to sink. That look of vulnerability, the innocence Jason adored, was there on Mike’s face. “Of course I love you,” he said softly. “Why would you think we would ever go through all of this if we weren’t in love? I don’t know when it happened, it’s true I can’t tell you that. But the day I decided to erase Kenji, I knew it was true. Even if I’d been denying it. If there was ever any way for me to prove myself to you, Mike, that’s it. I did that because I love you.” He watched Mike nod slowly.

_It sounds so different, coming from Jay instead of Ches._ “I love you, too,” Mike said hesitantly. It felt strange coming off his tongue. “We’re doing this for the right reason. Putting everyone through hell for love. I just need to hear you say it, especially right now. Especially while there are other paths we could take.”

“No other paths, Mikey. We talked about that earlier. This _is_ the path now. We’re on it together. You’ve already taken the first steps. You’re so brave,” Jason said admiringly as he leaned close and popped a kiss to Mike’s lips. “You’ve got this, sweetheart.”

Mike didn’t feel brave. He still felt uncertain, but it was too late to turn back. Last night with Chester had been emotionally exhausting. Trying to do the right thing, to not lead him on but give sincere apologies, was almost more than his hurting heart could handle. There was no way he wanted to go through that again. He watched Jason sit back in his chair, a soft smile on his face, and Mike picked up his turnover and took a bite. To his surprise, before he had time to think of what to say next, Ryan was walking in the apartment. 

Jason turned in his chair to look Ryan’s direction. “I didn’t expect you back so soon.” 

Ryan stepped over to the bar, leaving his phone and keys there. “Chester sent me away,” he said softly, not really wanting to get much into that part of things while Mike was around. He tugged on his gray t-shirt for a second as he looked over the table, at his boyfriend sitting with Mike, the two of them with pastries and coffee. Two coffees. There was none for him. _Chaz thinks they’re screwing around behind our backs. They do look content...but me and Jay are going to Seattle. It just doesn’t make any sense._

He turned around and headed into the kitchen, and it struck him they had no cups for water or juice or milk. He let out a sigh at the lack of a coffee maker, and since his boyfriend didn’t bring him one, he walked over to the refrigerator and scanned his options. It was still early, so beer was out. But there was soda, and he pulled out a Sprite and opened the tab as he turned around, facing the rest of the loft as he leaned against the counter. Mike was on Jason’s computer, but he couldn’t see what he was doing. 

“I would have gotten you coffee if I’d known you’d be back. But there is breakfast. There’s two more turnovers. Cream cheese,” Jason offered, pointing to the box on the table.

Ryan waved his hand. “It’s okay. I had a hot fudge sundae.” He stayed where he was in the kitchen. He took a sip from the cold soda, and it felt good. It was hot out, and the gooey fudge from the ice cream had left a sticky feeling in his mouth. When he’d had his fill of Sprite, he’d need to brush his teeth. “So what are you two up to?” 

Jason glanced at Mike, who was clicking around on the keyboard. “Mike’s working on some applications,” he stated. “Job stuff.”

Mike didn’t take his eyes off the screen. “Right. I’ve got to figure out some way to pay the bills with you two in Seattle.” He felt his heart beating a little faster. Everything was lie after lie right now. 

Ryan nodded. That made sense. Mike was going to go from four incomes to one. Even if Jay let him stay at the loft for free, there were still utilities and gas for his car, food, and general living expenses. _Even working at YRS, I still needed a roommate._ “That’s probably good,” he offered. He waited, watching as Mike went on with his face glued to the computer as he worked. _Chester’s a mess. He can’t even get out of bed, and Mike’s sitting down here filling out work applications. Not sure why I’m surprised. And to think I defended him earlier. He’s even eating._

An uncomfortable silence fell over the three of them, just the sound of Mike typing cutting through the air. Jason cleared his throat and turned around to look at Ryan again. “How’s Chaz?” 

Mike looked up then, right to Ryan. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to know if Chester talked, if they had coffee or anything to eat. He wanted to know if Chester was dressed with striped socks or maybe polka dots. It felt important to know exactly what he was doing. 

“He’s terrible,” Ryan deadpanned. “He’s still in bed, and not eating. I even took him his favorite ice cream, and he turned it down.” Ryan dropped his eyes to the polished floors. He hated talking about any of this in front of Mike. These were details he figured he’d share with Jason in private, while they laid in bed tonight or sat on the couch later. But Jason had asked, and Mike wasn’t leaving. “He’s sworn off men. Love, actually,” Ryan said, the memory of Chester’s tear stained face flashing through his mind. 

Mike put his attention back on the computer. His heart ached. Going over last night to talk hadn’t helped, not if Chester wasn’t eating or getting out of bed. The idea that he was still wearing the zebra print socks stuck in his mind. He pushed the rest of his breakfast away and sat there, not saying anything. _I can’t say anything to make it better. It’s not Ryan I should be saying it to, anyway. Ches says he doesn’t hate me, but I know he does. He’s never going to forgive me._

“That’s terrible,” Jason said sympathetically. “He’s going to make himself sick.” 

Ryan nodded. “I made him promise me he’d eat. You don’t know him. He gets messed up with his emotions and then he loses his appetite. He’s been like that for as long as I’ve known him.” 

It was on the tip of Mike’s tongue to say he was sure that Chester would listen to him, but he didn’t. He knew Ryan didn’t like him, either. There was no sense in stirring things up. He clicked save on the computer screen and exited from the application, closing the top down. “Thanks, Jay. I think I’ll go lay back down while you two talk. I don’t think I want to hear any more right now.” 

“Yeah,” Ryan said, flipping his hand toward the upstairs loft. “Go ahead, Mike, don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” He shook his head, his tongue coming loose. “Oh and heads up, you might get an angry text from Chaz later. That’s his words,” he made sure to say as he put up his fingers for air quotes. “Angry text.”

Mike stood up from the table and shot Ryan a look. “I wish he didn’t think he needed to go through you to get a message to me. I’ll always take his texts. Angry or not.” A sick feeling rolled through his stomach. _Angry text. Because I left last night? I left because he was tired of me saying I was sorry. What else could I say?_

“Well, he said angry,” Ryan said, “but with the way he’s been it might be more like distraught.” He grumbled to himself before he looked up. “He thinks you’re cheating on him. Or was, when you were still together...however that works. That you’re with someone else.” 

“What?” Mike felt all the color drain from his face as he sat back down at the table. His eyes flashed to Jason before he could stop himself, then back at Ryan. “He thinks that? He told you that?” 

Ryan didn’t miss the look, the moment Mike’s eyes met Jason’s, and Ryan felt uneasiness set in. Chester had a way of telling with couples. He was good at picking out emotions, and for the first time since the idea had been brought up, Ryan started to wonder if Chester was closer to the truth than he’d thought. “Yes, he told me that,” he said, sticking right where he was in the kitchen. “In fact, he thinks it’s you two.” Ryan held his breath, part of him damning himself for actually saying that about his own boyfriend, but part of him had to see what reactions would come.

Jason put both hands on the table to stand up and face Ryan, while Mike’s mouth dropped open. He didn’t look capable of stringing together two syllables. “Why would he think that?” Jason asked carefully. “Just because there’s been some blurred lines between the four of us?” 

“Honestly, yeah. That and a handful of other things. He has a list,” Ryan stated. “I told him I didn’t think it was you,” he said as he stepped away from the counter to round the bar, to speak right to Jason. “I told him we’re going to Seattle, and you wouldn’t have asked me to go if you were sleeping with someone behind my back.” Ryan smiled, but when Jason didn’t smile back, it paused him, and suddenly he wasn’t so sure.

“A list,” Jason repeated, his mind going over everything that had happened in the past few months rapidly. “If he’s upset about how things have gone, maybe he shouldn’t have been so willing to spread his legs for you that night we all got drunk. I’d say that might have made things a little confusing around here, don’t you think?” He scowled for a second. “A list. I want to hear about this list.”

Ryan couldn’t feel his heart, even though it was pounding. “Why?” he asked, looking from Jason to Mike. “What does it matter what’s on it, unless he’s right. Unless you two are -” He stopped, a sudden sharpness sticking in his gut. “Are you?” 

Jason heard Mike’s sigh behind him and knew without looking that his shoulders were slumped. He was facing a moment where he could be honest, and do as Mike had asked him. He could do the right thing, not the easy thing. He felt his hands start to shake. “We’ve gotten close, Ry. It’s been over months, while we’ve been living here. I don’t think either of us expected it to happen like that.” Jason heard the tremble in his words and realized the way he felt right now, the shame he hadn’t imagined as he watched Ryan’s face, was part of what Mike had been feeling for days. He was breaking Ryan’s heart, right in front of him, and it hurt him more than he realized it would.

Ryan took an unintentional step back, his hand going over his heart, which now he felt in spades. “What?” he asked, looking from Jason to Mike and back. Chester thinking Mike was stepping out on him was one thing. It was tragic, and Ryan felt bad for his friend, but having it be his own boyfriend was something different. “Months?” he echoed. “Holy fuck. Chaz was right.” His chest was heaving with a mix of pain and anger as he looked right at Jason. “You’re cheating on me? Jay, how could you? What does that even mean? We’re supposed to move together and you’ve been cheating?” 

“We haven’t been cheating for months,” Jason defended quickly. “I said we’d been getting close for months. I, I know it’s awful. Neither of us thought it would go so far.” He knew he was speaking for Mike, but Mike wasn’t saying anything, so Jason kept going. “I know it doesn’t matter, the result is the same, but it’s only been once, Ryan. I know that’s not a defense.” Jason was very familiar with the idea that sex one time or sex five hundred times wasn’t the point. The betrayal was the same either way. “I didn’t want this to go this way. You and Chaz were spending time together, you guys are super close, and Mike and I got closer, too. It just happened.” He shook his head, like it was hard for him to believe. 

Ryan didn’t know what to say. He was sick and tired of hearing about how he and Chester were close. He was tired of defending their friendship, and now Jason was partially using that as some sort of excuse. It felt suffocating as he looked over at Mike, who had his head hung. _That’s why. That’s why he’s stopped caring about Chester, he’s been doing my boyfriend on the side. One time my ass._ “Fine,” Ryan said, as he headed for the bed in the corner. “You guys want each other, go for it.” He was done talking. He knew if he kept going, things he didn’t mean would come out. He could already feel the sickness in his stomach, the tightness in his chest, and the prick to the corners of his eyes. 

He rounded to his side of the bed and hunched down, dragging a large black duffel bag out from under the bed. He didn’t need everything, just enough for a few days. Enough to take with him over to Amir’s. He wiped his eyes as he worked, as he tried to understand how Jason - his sweet Jason - could ever do something like this.

Mike stayed glued to the chair, his eyes closed. _Ryan knows. So Chester will know. I should have told him last night. When I was thinking about it in the closet, I should have been honest. I should have done the right thing._

Jason looked at Mike and then over at Ryan. Part of him was surprised he’d let it go so quickly, without a fight at all. He wanted more. He wanted Ryan to fight for him, and he felt a sickening disappointment when the realization hit him that Ryan was going to just leave. _He’s going to go back to Chaz. It all goes back to Chaz._ He felt a bubble of hatred toward Chester pop up as he watched Ryan stuff things into his bag and he walked closer to their bed. “Ry, I should have told you,” he said, hoping Ryan would listen and not leave completely a mess. “I should have told you before Mike and I crossed any lines. I’m sorry.” 

Ryan kept his attention on what he was doing. “I can’t believe you, Jay. All this time I thought…” He grumbled at himself as he grabbed a pile of shirts and plopped them into the bag before deciding quickly they weren’t all going to fit. He pulled them back out, his nerves frazzled. “I’m always second in your life,” he said, stopping for a second and looking up. “Ever since the beginning. I wasn’t first, and I understood that because of Mark. I knew that’s how it had to be until we got out of there. And then we did, and then it was well, we have to keep up appearances, and so I went along with that, and now...now when it was finally going to be just us, and I was going to be first to you, I’m still not.” He waved a hand toward Mike. “And he broke Chaz’s heart, and now mine is too, and I hope it’s worth it to you guys.” He looked away and down at the bed, trying to get his mind to concentrate on getting the right things in the bag. It would do no good to show up with twenty shirts and no pants.

Mike stood up from the table and started for his backpack where his keys were. “I’m going to talk to Ches. I want to tell him before you do,” he said in Ryan’s direction. He didn’t want Ryan to be the one. If he was going to do anything right, he was going to do what Jason had done and admit it. Head on.

Ryan glared Mike’s way. “I don’t know why you even care,” he spit. “I’m pretty sure you’ve hurt him enough.” 

“I care because I love him. I didn’t just magically stop loving him because I started loving Jay.” Mike stopped, his cheeks flushing. That probably wasn’t the best thing to say at the moment. “I just want it to come from me. Please. I know you hate me, and you have every reason to. But let me do this.” 

Ryan refrained from saying ‘go fuck yourself’ and instead let out a sigh. His packing was going horribly. From what he could tell, he’d managed to pack every pair of underwear he owned, and still no pants. “Fine,” he said, looking up. “You have until I get there. Don’t lie to him anymore, Shinoda. He doesn’t deserve that.” 

Mike nodded. “I know. I know he doesn’t.” He looked at Jason. He knew leaving him there with Ryan right now was probably not what he wanted, but Mike had to be the one to talk to Chester. He was going to make himself tell the truth. “I’ll be back,” he said, turning on his heel and rushing out the door. He knew Ryan wasn’t going to afford him an extra second. 

Ryan stopped long enough to watch Mike leave. The moment the door closed, he looked right at Jason, his internal cocktail of hurt and anger still bubbling around. “So all that stuff about Seattle...about me and you and everything we talked about last night...that was all bullshit, wasn’t it?”

The look in Ryan’s eyes crushed Jason’s heart. “No,” he whispered, “we could have been happy in Seattle. If I had handled this differently. I should have told you, Ryan. I swear to you, it was one time. If I’d done the right thing, I’d like to think you would have forgiven me,” he said softly. 

“One time,” Ryan grumbled as he went back to work. “One time and you have Mike Shinoda saying he loves you. One time and you have him breaking up with Chester. I’m not stupid, Jay.” 

“I didn’t say you were. Don’t act righteous with me, Ryan. You love Chaz, and you’ve stated as much. Don’t act like you two haven’t pushed the limits. I told you, it was once, and I mean it. The other, the closeness, the things we share, that’s like you and Chaz. So you can believe me or you can not believe me, but don’t pretend you didn’t have a hand in us coming apart.” Jason sat down on the couch and leaned his head back. He hadn’t wanted this to turn into a blame game, but somehow that’s what his mouth had produced. A deflection of blame. 

“I don’t believe you,” Ryan stated as he bent down and started pulling shoes out, tossing them onto the mattress. “I used to believe everything you said. Everything we talked about, I believed all of it. Even when it was hard, I believed it. And I knew we were drifting. I fucking knew it, Jay...but I never thought it was because you were falling in love with someone else.” He looked down, scraping his hand across his cheek. There was a lot he could say, but he wasn’t going to. Up until only a few minutes ago, he had his whole future with Jason in front of him, and his heart ached now with that loss. 

Jason fixed his eyes on the ceiling, far above them. He’d had a lot of practice pushing tears away. “I’m sorry,” he said again, but his body felt numb and it sounded hollow this time.

Ryan stopped for a second and looked over at Jason. He looked like he wasn’t getting up, and that was fine with Ryan. They didn’t have to talk. There was no mystery. He wouldn’t spend days in bed wondering what happened, not like what Chester had been going through. This was crisp and clean and specific. Jason was cheating on him with Mike, and seemingly with very little regret over it. Despite his claim of ‘only one time’ and there had been no mention of the affair ending, and he and Ryan moving forward, and Ryan’s heart sank at that realization. It was the exact same thing Chester had described about the night before when Mike had come to apologize. “Fuck,” he swore under his breath before he left his stuff where it was and crossed to the bar, picking his phone up. He checked, but there was no new messages or calls from Chester. _He doesn’t need this. He shouldn’t have to suffer just so Mike can feel better about himself._

****

TBC


	27. What Happened?

Chester stared at his cell phone. He’d been looking at the open text thread with Mike for the last hour, ever since Ryan had left. He couldn’t commit to how he wanted to word his text, or even if he wanted to send one at all. _If I say something, and he’s not really cheating, then I’m just falsely accusing him. Just like he did to me, and I know how crummy that feels._ He slumped at the kitchen table of Amir’s downstairs. The apartment was quiet, and Noah had left right after Ryan. Since then Chester had managed a shower, and now he was in nothing but a pair of purple underwear and a matching t-shirt. His jeans were hanging over the back of his chair. He would pull them on before the pizza would show up. 

_I promised Ry I’d eat and I’m going to. Stupid melty hot fudge sundae just made me hungry._ He wrapped his arm around his middle as he stared at his phone, sitting on the table. _Maybe I just won’t text him at all. He doesn’t care...and if he doesn’t care, then I don’t care,_ he decided as he tried to sound convincing in his own head. 

He tapped the screen on his phone, and scrolled through his last few messages with Mike. They weren’t mean, but almost playful among the apologies. It was hard to read without feeling sad all over again, and Chester quickly clicked his home screen to black, just as someone knocked on the door.

He stood up, and looked down at himself. “Shit,” he hissed, thinking he’d have more time. He grabbed his jeans, and started to pull them on as he hopped toward the door. “I’m coming!” he hollered when they knocked again. 

Mike stood outside the door to Amir’s apartment. He hadn’t texted to say he was coming, and he wondered if Chester would even hear him back in the bedroom. He didn’t wait long before he knocked again, and he heard Chester’s yell through the door. Mike put his phone in his pocket and took a deep breath. He hadn’t worked out what to say on the entire ride over, so he could only hope that he would be able to get the words out.

Chester opened the door and Mike saw the look of confusion on his face. _He’s dressed. So he wasn’t in bed._ “Hey,” Mike managed to say. “I know I didn’t text or call or anything. I was hoping you’d let me in. I, I want to talk.” He felt his hands twisting up into the bottom of his t-shirt, and it was in that moment he realized he was still wearing pajama bottoms. 

Chester looked him up and down before he stepped to the side. “I was waiting on pizza, and debating on texting you, so I guess this saves me that.” He motioned for Mike to step in. 

“Oh, good. Pizza.” Mike realized it sounded like he was expecting to have some and saw Chester give him a look out of the corner of his eye. “For you, I mean. Ryan said you didn’t want to eat, so pizza is good,” he rambled nervously as he followed Chester into the apartment. 

Chester ran his hand over his tiny mohawk. “He didn’t need to tell you that,” he mumbled. “You know how I get with my appetite.” He glanced Mike’s way when they got to the table. Despite his ex being in pajamas and generally looking like he’d just rolled out of bed, Chester felt something soft creep across his belly. _Maybe he’s coming to explain what happened last night._ He looked over toward the open bedroom door. He wasn’t sure he trusted himself to take Mike into his borrowed room, where the bed was. Where the closet was. Where it would be easy to do something he’d regret, just to try and feel something other than hurt. He scooted around Mike to get to it first. He closed it tightly before he pointed at the table. “We can sit down. No one else is here.” 

“Okay.” Mike waited for Chester to choose a seat before he sat down, across from him. His skin felt clammy and his stomach was already rolling with nausea. He could see the bags under Chester’s eyes, and he’d noticed Chester’s bare feet when he came in. _He always wears socks. He never walks around without them._ “I know you’re tired of hearing me say that I’m sorry,” he started, his hands nervously moving in his lap. “I just… I thought about telling you something last night, when we were in the closet, and I didn’t. And, I, I feel like I should.”

“Okay,” Chester said softly, feeling more confused than he was a minute ago. His mind flipped back over what they had talked about in the closet, and the only thing that came to mind that had maybe gone unsaid was something about Mike’s schooling, and Chester’s plan to help with it. But that didn’t seem like it was worth the trip over to Amir’s. They were broken up, so it didn’t matter now. “You look like you’re going to be sick,” Chester said, before his thoughts could really get dissected. Mike’s face was pale, and Chester was pretty sure he was sweating. “Are you running a fever?” he asked, getting to his feet. “I’ll get you some water.” He spun around to head into the efficiency kitchen, which he was still learning the ins and outs of.

Mike looked down at the table top. He wasn’t sure how he was going to tell him. _I’m going to have to just say it. What did Jay say? Something about months and closeness, I can’t remember! I might be sick, Ches is right. I might have a fever._ He bit his lip and wiped his hair away from his sweaty forehead. “Thanks,” he mumbled toward the kitchen as he heard water filling a glass. 

“You shouldn’t be out if you’re sick, Mike,” Chester said, thick with concern. He walked the water to the table and sat it down. He thought about offering his bed, if Mike needed to lay down, and he sucked on his piercing for a second as he debated that. “Are you going to be okay? Ryan said you didn’t eat last night. Do you need something before pizza gets here? I can look for crackers,” he decided quickly as he went to go rummage through Amir’s cabinets. Despite everything, Mike being sick had struck Chester’s need to tend and care for him.

“No,” Mike whispered, his heart hurting. He wasn’t worth Chester fussing over him, and he knew once he told the truth, Chester would never fuss over him again. It all stung, and he swallowed hard, trying to get himself together. “Ches, I need to tell you something, and I don’t know how to say it,” he admitted, his voice tight and pinched. “And I want you to eat pizza,” he added suddenly. “When will it be here?” 

Chester slowly walked over to the table with a box of Ritz crackers. He picked up his phone to look at the time. “Ten minutes, probably.” He looked up at Mike, his instincts that something very bad was about to happen kicking in. “What’s wrong?” he asked, setting the box of crackers on the table between them. 

“I told you I was jealous of Ryan. That was the reason I blew up at you and accused you of sleeping with him.” Mike wiped his eyes with his hand. “And that’s true. Mostly. The two of you are very close. It was hard to be around you sometimes.” He stopped and closed his eyes. 

Chester slumped a little in his chair. He wasn’t expecting Mike to bring this back up. Again. “I know,” he said. “Mike, I told you I was sorry about that. I told you I was wrong. I’m really sorry, I just didn’t realize, but I swear, we’re just friends. We haven’t cheated.”

“Please don’t apologize,” Mike said right as his voice cracked. “I know you didn’t. You’re just close, and, and Jay and I, we got close, too. It was all happening at the same time.” He couldn’t even look up. “I’ve always been jealous of Ryan. And then Jason and I started spending time together, and we really got along great. The way you and Ryan do.” He stopped again, trying to get himself to come to the point. “It was all kind of gradual, Ches. And I’m not lying when I tell you that I love you. I wasn’t lying when I said it last night, or last week, or any time. I, well, I… I didn’t see it while it was happening, but I…” He stopped. To say he was in love with Jason almost felt like a lie, but he didn’t know how else to explain it. _There’s something between us, but I’m not sure that it’s love._

Mike looked up, but immediately looked away from the sick look on Chester’s face. He couldn’t look at him when he admitted the affair. “I fell in love with Jason. I’m sorry, Chester, I don’t know what else to say, but I lied when I said I thought you and Ryan were sleeping together. It was my guilt talking.” He pressed his lips together and felt the hot sting of tears in his eyes. There wasn’t anything in the world that could make him look at Chester right now. 

Silence fell over them as Chester stared at Mike, at the way he’d dropped his head. “Love?” he asked with a swallow. “But, but…” He tried to put it together in his mind, how his boyfriend had gone off and fallen in love with someone else. “But Ryan told me he and Jason are moving to Seattle. He just told me that an hour ago.” His head drifted back and forth, like he couldn’t believe it. “Love?” he repeated. “So that’s why? You want him instead of me?” 

Mike wiped his eyes but it didn’t help. “I broke your trust, Ches. I went behind your back. I could make you a list of all the ways you’ll be better without me, you know that? The collar, that’s a huge problem between us, too. The jealousy and the way I can’t control myself with you. You deserve better. That’s all Ryan said, you deserve better than me.” He let out a shuddering breath. “Ryan’s not going to Seattle. He’s on his way here.” 

It only took a split second for Chester’s thoughts to leave himself and go to Ryan. “Oh no,” he whispered as consequences flooded him. He’d already been dealing with losing Mike for days. He was already suspicious of him cheating, but Ryan wasn’t. Ryan was in love and happy an hour ago, and Chester knew he would be a crushed man when he walked through that door, and Chester knew exactly how that felt. 

He stood up. “You better go,” he said, heading for the door, holding back every emotion that wanted to run to the forefront. “Just get out of here, Mike.” He opened the door and stepped back, holding it open. 

It was hard for Mike to get to his feet. He knew walking out that door was it - it was completely over - and Chester had every right to throw him out. He pushed back his hair and wiped his face again and headed for the front door. “I wanted to tell you myself,” he said, knowing it made little difference now. “Please don’t do anything rash.” Mike stopped and looked at Chester, his heart in a million pieces. There wasn’t anything left to say. _I’m sorry_ had been said over and over, and it was too little in this situation. 

Chester was trying to hold himself together as he met Mike’s eyes. “How long?” he asked, already feeling the shake in his voice and body. “How long have you been lying to me? Were you sleeping with him when we...when we…” He motioned between them, the words stuck in his throat as he thought back to the Friday before. The last time they’d had sex, which had been the first time in what had felt like forever. 

Mike wanted to look away, but he didn’t. “One time, Ches. It was only once. It doesn’t make it any better, I know.” He wiped his tears again as he watched Chester’s eyes change. It was like watching his heart break right in front of him.

Chester nodded as tears streaked down his cheeks. “So that’s a yes, then,” he decided, and suddenly he was the one feeling sick. “Get out,” he mumbled, before he turned around and headed for his bedroom. He needed to lay down before he fell down. 

It didn’t feel any better than it had the night before when Mike stepped out, shutting the door behind him as quietly as he could. Telling the truth hadn’t made him feel any better, and it hadn’t made Chester feel any better. If he could have taken it back, reversed last week, not slept with Jason before he and Chester had been together, it might not have felt so sickening. _No, it would still be sickening. It doesn’t matter anyway. I made that choice._ He hung his head as he started down the hallway, not caring that he was wearing pajama pants in public anymore. He was pretty sure Chester was never going to talk to him again. 

The drive back to the loft took no time at all, and Mike found himself staring at the apartment building from the safety of the inside of his car only thirty minutes later. Ryan’s car was still there, and the last thing he wanted to do was see him right now. The decision to go to the beach was an easy one. Mike was out of the car and walking down the sidewalk quickly, anything to put space between him and the loft.

It was already warm outside, and breezy, and he felt the wind rippling the thin fabric of his pajama pants. He didn’t notice if anyone looked at him strangely as he made his way onto the sand in his pajamas and a pair of slides that he wasn’t even sure belonged to him. He couldn’t remember and he didn’t care. None of it mattered right now. He just needed to be alone, away from Jason for a little while. He found a place on the sand that looked comfortable and sat right down, not bothering to take off his shoes or find a place to sit that wouldn’t be messy later.

After a while, the sun was higher overhead, and Mike didn’t know how long he’d been sitting on the beach. For all he knew, he could be sunburned by now. He’d seen children flying kites, people throwing frisbees for dogs to chase. Mothers building sandcastles with babies. Groups laughing and splashing in the water. Couples walking along the beach together. Every time a couple walked where his eyes were staring straight ahead into the surf, it caught his attention for just a moment. He couldn’t count the number of times he and Chester had walked the beach together. Kissed under the sun or the stars. Laughed and dreamed and been together. It was their place. 

Mike felt his cell phone vibrate in his lap again and he sighed. There was only so much longer he could ignore everyone and everything before he had to face the reality that he and Chester were really, truly over. 

It wouldn’t do any good to analyze it all now, trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong. Had it started all the way back at YRS, that forced secret blowjob that Mark watched? Had it started the first night they all had sex in the loft at the same time? Was it a direct result of the _Never Have I Ever_ game that seemed so much fun at the time? Or was it something sneakier, something that crept up on all of them while they were touching and kissing and playing around over the months of living in that small loft? 

Mike wiped his hand over his face again, feeling the grit of the sand on his cheeks. He never thought he’d be the one to break Chester’s heart. A sinking sensation came over him as he remembered a prediction that Brad made back at YRS. It seemed like a long time ago now. _Brad said I’d experience horrible heartbreak. Is that what this is? Is this the worst pain I’ll ever feel?_ He wasn’t sure, but he hoped he’d never feel worse than he felt right now. The thought that he could feel something worse than his heart breaking apart by his own poor decision making was distressing. 

_I think Jay loves me. It’s not how it was with Ches, though, how I knew. Know. I still know. I hurt him. I broke his heart. I promised I would always love him and take care of him. I still love him, but I cheated. I can’t believe I cheated._ No matter how many times he said that to himself, it still didn’t sound like the Mike Shinoda he knew. The Mike he’d always been. The Mike who waited until he met Chester, his perfect Chester, to have sex. The Mike who went to YRS just to make his boyfriend’s life better.

_What happened to that guy?_ Mike looped his arms around his knees and dropped his head. He didn’t know anymore. Right now he knew that he was expected to be home, but he was sitting on the beach ignoring it instead. Ignoring Jason. _We were both wrong. I let everything with Jason mess with my head. I should have talked to Ches about it a long time ago. And the collar. I should have known about the collar, I should have known to stop._

Mike didn’t want to think about the collar anymore. He didn’t want to think about how he had single-handedly destroyed his relationship with Chester. _I can sit here forever and it won’t change what I did. It won’t make him forgive me. It won’t make him want me back. He kicked me out. He probably never wants to see me again._

The phone vibrated again. “What?” he hissed angrily, grabbing it from the place it was nestled between his stomach and his leg. It was a text from Jason. The third one he hadn’t opened. Mike looked out at the ocean again. _I bet he wants to move on, look at apartments and talk about Seattle. I just want to crawl in bed and never get up._ He swiped his screen and looked at the messages.

**Jason**: _Everything okay? Ryan left, you can come back._

**Jason**: _I know Ryan has made it to Amir’s by now. You need to come home._

**Jason**: _You’re worrying me now. Where are you?_

Mike sighed and stared at the screen until it faded to black. It had been an hour between each message. Jason wasn’t being overbearing, he seemed genuinely concerned, and Mike felt another twinge of guilt. It seemed like guilt and grief were the only two emotions he had now. 

**Mike**: _I’ll be there in ten minutes._

He stood up and brushed the sand off the butt of his pajama pants with one hand, then moved his phone and swiped with the other. He didn’t really care if he was covered in sand. It didn’t matter if he tracked it into the loft. Chester wasn’t there to fuss over sand in his kitchen. There was nothing in the kitchen. A little bit of sand wasn’t going to be the end of the world.

As he walked back to the loft he tried to get his thoughts in order. There _was_ a lot to do, things that needed to be done before they went to Seattle next week, and before they moved up the west coast. There would be all the distance and space needed for him and Chester to move on. _Jay and I will be happy. And Ryan left to be with Ches… it’s only a matter of time before that becomes something more. Even if I could get him to forgive me, by the time that happens, he’ll be with Ryan. It’s coming. Jay and I will have to make it work._

Mike hated the way that sounded, like he had no choice, like he was stuck with Jason. _I made a choice. I cheated. I chose him that night, and now we’re together, and that’s how it is… and we’re going to make it work. I know he wants to. He wouldn’t be taking me to Seattle, planning our lives there, if he didn’t want me. If he didn’t love me._ Mike clung desperately to that thought as he headed inside.

Flashes of memories of opening the door for Chester hit him when he got back to the building. Pressing the elevator button. Pushing Chester against the wall of the elevator and kissing his neck while his boyfriend grabbed at his ass. All the times they had walked down the hallway together with shopping bags full of groceries, or their backpacks returning from YRS. Memories of Chester echoed in the hallway, and Mike was suddenly grateful they were leaving. The loft wouldn’t be a place where the ghosts of his relationship with Chester lived. The loft would be that place he and Jason left behind in L.A. before they started a new life.

He opened the door to the apartment and Jason had him in his arms before Mike could even put his keys down. “Sorry I didn’t call,” he mumbled into Jason’s neck. 

“At first I thought maybe you were still at Amir’s when Ryan got there, but the longer you stayed gone, I knew that wasn’t it. Where have you been?” Jason pressed a kiss to Mike’s cheek. “You’re warm.”

“I went to the beach,” Mike said, stepping back from Jason’s embrace. “Ches kicked me out pretty fast. I was back here before you texted the first time, but I walked down to the beach. I just needed some space. A place to think.” He walked over to the sink and washed his hands. 

Jason watched Mike for a minute. His heart pinched at the rumpled t-shirt, the pajama pants Mike had rushed out in earlier. _He’s a wreck._ It had been hard to watch Ryan go, to take off his promise ring and hand it back, but a sense of closure had come along with it. It wasn’t that Ryan and Mark were linked in Jason’s mind, but the two had existed in the same space for so long that it had become hard for him to think of one without the other. All of the ways Ryan was different than Mark - some good, some not as good. _There’s nothing bad about Ry… we just ended up being too different, out here in the real world. Mike was right. I should have just ended it with him and been upfront about it. It’s not like he fought me. I think he understood. Not about Mike, but about us coming apart. I think he saw it, too._

Mike turned around and looked at Jason. “So, what’s the plan, Jay? We’ve got a week until Seattle. We don’t have anything in this kitchen. Neither of us can cook more than a grilled cheese, which doesn’t matter because we don’t have a skillet. I’ve got half a box of cereal, and no bowls.” He crossed his arms and without realizing it his lips dropped into a disappointed pout.

“Do you think I’m going to let you starve?” Jason teased. “There’s no sense in buying a bunch of stuff we have to move, so I’m not going to suggest we go picking china patterns tonight or anything.” He held up his hand as Mike made a face. “It’s a huge waste but we can get some paper plates and plasticware for the next week. Sandwiches and cereal and frozen stuff, but we can meet after work for dinner. There’s lots of nice places near your studio and my office.” Jason offered a smile. “Come on, I know there’s a great sandwich shop close, and we’ll do some other things, too.”

“Okay, I guess that will work. I’m going to need snacks, though. We _have_ to go to the grocery store, after we eat lunch. And I need a shower.” Mike sighed heavily. “I just sat on the beach and cried, Jay,” he admitted. “I feel like I should have done better. I have a whole list of things I should have done. I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you. I’m just saying, breaking up with Ches, I didn’t know it was going to hurt the way it does.” Mike looked at the kitchen floor. He needed Jason to understand if he was moody. He needed him to be able to give space and time, and not just assume he was okay with everything. He was still trying to sort out how he felt. There was a voice inside him that told him he was making a huge mistake, but he didn’t know how to fix anything anymore so he pushed it away stubbornly. 

Jason went right back to Mike, putting both arms around his neck and pulling him close. “I know it’s hard. But we’re going to be okay. We’ve got a lot to look forward to. Even right now. Why don’t you go get a shower, and we’ll go grab something quick for lunch and then head out to the grocery store? You’ll feel better once you get all that sand off.” He squeezed Mike close in a hug before he leaned back. “We’ll be fine, sweetheart.”

Mike closed his eyes as Jason’s lips touched his. As much as they had kissed over the last six months, it still felt like kissing Jason was forbidden, that he should be kissing Chester instead. _But I won’t be kissing Ches ever again._ Mike leaned out of the kiss before it went deep, ignoring the question on Jason’s face. “Yeah. I’m going to shower.” The thought of going upstairs to the sight of the empty bed, the barren closet, felt terrible. He didn’t want to have to go upstairs ever again.

He stepped around Jason and put his car keys and phone on the bar. “Decide what you want for lunch, Jay. I’ll eat anything.” Mike didn’t look back as he climbed the stairs to get fresh clothes. 

****

Chester sat next to Ryan on Amir’s couch. It was already after ten, the day wasted away on tears and sobbing against each other’s shoulders and shirt fronts. It had all been a mix of emotion when Ryan had come in, and confessed immediately that Jay and Mike were having an affair, even though it had been obvious that Chester already knew, with his head in a pillow and an untouched pizza on the table. 

Since then, the hours had been consumed with going back over the last six months, and to some degree, even earlier than that. They had both tried to think of things they might have missed - moments when they should have picked up on what was happening between their boyfriends. But when it came down to it, the last six months at the loft had been one giant free for all. Ryan kissing on Chester, Mike kissing on Jason. There was touching and occasional place swapping at night when video games would run long. Their work schedules hadn’t helped either, with Ryan and Chester leaving every day together, and returning home each night, often times to Jason and Mike already being there. 

So by the time ten o’clock rolled around, their emotions were exhausted. Chester yawned as his eyes fell half closed. He really didn’t want to talk about Mike and Jason anymore. In the end, he was pretty sure he was mostly responsible for what had happened anyway. _I lied to him from the very beginning, not telling him about YRS. And yeah, it was work, but when you break it down, I was having sex with Ry while me and Mike were together. Clear up until Mike joined on. I lied to him, and now he’s lied to me. Guess that makes us even. And Ryan…_

He carefully turned his head, gazing over at his friend who was slumped against the side of the couch, blankly staring at the television. Even in Ryan’s ultra sad state, Chester saw the beauty in him, the deep beauty that lived past the surface things like his black and gray tattoos, the shape of his arms and the muscles he’d worked for. His jet black hair and dashing blue eyes or his scruffy facial hair, which Chester was a fan of. Those were the things that made Chester physically attracted to Ryan, but there was more to it. The way he was so gentle when it came to sex or affection of any kind. The way he laughed and teased when they would play video games together, and how that always felt like a never-ending adventure. They would beat one game, and go to the next. Ryan had a kind heart, always ready to help others out, and he was loyal. 

Everything added up to a fantastic friend, and probably someone who would make a great boyfriend, but as Chester sat on Amir’s black designer sofa, the most obvious thing to Chester was that instead of getting closer to Ryan Shuck, he needed to do better at keeping their friendship boundary. _Mike said it over and over…he doesn’t like how close Ryan and I are. He doesn’t like how Ryan is always touching me. We do touch a lot. I guess we got that way because it never mattered. For the longest time, neither of us were in serious relationships. We could touch all we wanted. Maybe it doesn’t matter now either, but…I’ve told Mike so many times that me and Ry are just friends, and I don’t want to be a liar about that. He’s my best friend. Fuck. Maybe that was part of the problem, too. I guess Mike should have been my best friend. I just screwed it all up._

It was a depressing thought. His close friendship with Ryan was one more reason - a big reason - his relationship had failed. Chester felt everything inside of him slump a little more. It hurt. It hurt that Mike had lied to him, and had sought love from Jason. It hurt to think about his lack of a sex drive over the last six weeks, and the role he knew that had played in everything. It hurt that Mike had replaced him, seemingly right under his nose and that he had been such a poor excuse for a boyfriend that he hadn't even noticed it. It hurt to think about Thursday night, when he’d made them a candlelight dinner, and Mike had zero interest in him, and now he knew why. It hurt even more to think about Friday night, when they had finally been able to come together sexually after so long. After Chester had broken down, sure that Mike hated him, only to be loved on and adored by him that night. It hurt to know that Mike was in love with Jason during that moment. 

But most of all, it hurt to know that his relationship with Mike Shinoda was over. He was pretty sure he would never see him again, and that brought its own kind of pain. Mike hadn't been specific, but with the way things had gone, Chester had to assume that whatever was going on with Jason, it hadn’t come out of nowhere. For Mike to fall in love with someone, it took time, and that was one thing Chester hadn’t been granted. Mike had weeks - maybe months - to let go of his relationship with Chester and start his new one with Jason. But for Chester, it had been a shock, a sudden smack in the face. It was going to take a while to get used to not having Mike in his life. _Even the last few days while I’ve been here, while I’ve been working on accepting it, it hasn’t felt real. Like, I’m just staying over at Amir’s for vacation or something._

All his resolve from the other day, the fire that had lived in his belly when he’d packed up his belongings and cut up the leather collar, it was all dashed on the rocks of his broken heart. He wanted to crawl into bed and not get up. “Ry?” he finally called, very softly. Amir and Noah were upstairs, hidden away, and Chester wanted to remain the quiet houseguest he’d been. 

Ryan looked over, his eyes no longer bloodshot from tears. “Yeah?” 

“I’m going to go to bed. I’m tired.” Chester stood up from the couch with a yawn. 

“I am, too. I’ll come with you,” Ryan decided as he leaned forward and took the TV remote from the coffee table. He clicked the television off and got up from the couch, stretching his arms. He took a step to follow Chester. 

“Actually,” Chester said, turning to put a hand to Ryan’s chest. “I, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to share a bed. I know there’s only one,” he said, his eyes dropping to the couch, “but I don’t think it’s right for us to sleep together.” 

Ryan felt confusion wash over him. “Why?” he asked, looking over Chester’s shoulder to the single bedroom door across the space. “Chaz, we’ve slept together a lot of times, and especially now,” he stated, one hand going to his hip. “We’re both single now, and it’s been a shit day for us both.”

Chester’s hand was still on Ryan’s chest as he looked up to meet his eyes. “I know. It’s just, we’re friends, Ry. And I want us to stay friends. I don’t want things to stay in this blurry place it’s been for the last six months…maybe for the last few years with us. Maybe ever since we met.” He let out a sigh. “I told you before that I felt like I failed Mike, that I let things get crazy between you and me, and I don’t want to make that same mistake again.” 

Ryan cocked his head. “As in...with Mike? Chazzy, I don’t think -”

“I don’t mean with Mike,” Chester corrected quickly as he dropped his hand away. “I mean, if we keep going like we are, the same thing’s going to happen again with all future people. Well, your future people. Not sure I’ll ever have future people. I don’t want to date anyone anymore.” 

Ryan watched as Chester’s expression slid down his face, and his heart ached for his friend. Ryan hadn’t been expecting to find out that Jason was cheating on him, but their relationship busting up wasn’t a surprise. He’d been expecting it for awhile, so the sting of it finally happening wasn’t as severe as what he knew Chester was going through. Chester’s pain had flowed into swearing off romantic relationships forever, and even though Ryan was pretty sure that declaration would eventually fall to the wayside as time did its thing, he wanted to respect Chester’s wishes. Always. 

“Okay,” he agreed as he looked down at the sofa, where he knew he’d be sleeping until something else could be arranged. “Go ahead and go to bed, Chaz. I’ll sleep out here. After we get back from San Francisco, I’ll start looking for a place, or maybe you and I could be roommates. We could get a two bedroom.” His heart lifted when Chester smiled at that idea. He leaned forward, and kissed Chester softly on his cheek. “Stop torturing yourself so much,” he whispered. 

Chester’s hand went to Ryan’s arm, his fingers caressing his warm skin as he nodded. “I’m trying,” he promised. “And I’m ready for San Francisco. Anything to get a break from all of this is welcomed.” 

“It’s going to be busy and fun and probably crazy,” Ryan mused as he sat back down on the couch, and then he stood back up. “I need some stuff before you go to bed.” 

Without a word, Chester turned and led the way back to the bedroom. Ryan’s duffel bag full of clothes was there, along with his pillow. They hadn’t unpacked any of it. Chester sat down on the edge of the bed, his arms around himself as he watched Ryan crouch down to shuffle through his stuff. “When do you want to go get the rest? Tomorrow?” 

“No, I want to wait till Monday. I don’t want to go over there while they’re home.” 

“That makes sense. God, Ry, I’m sorry,” Chester said, his eyes dropping to the soft gray carpet as he curled his bare toes into it. “I really wish it hadn’t gone this way. I know you were thinking you and Jay were drifting apart anyway, but still...for it to end like this.” 

“I don’t get why they didn’t just tell us,” Ryan said, keeping his emotions in check. He’d never cried so much in his life, and he didn’t want to admit out loud that most of those tears were for Chester’s heartbreak and betrayal, not his own. “How hard would that have been? I would have rather Jason just break it off than cheat.” 

“I agree,” Chester mumbled as he watched Ryan stand up. He had clean clothes slung over his arm, and it occurred to Chester that Ryan hadn’t had a shower yet. “Guess we can’t change what has happened now.” 

“No, we can’t.” Ryan re-checked over his stuff - a simple pair of black joggers and a black t-shirt and underwear. They were at Amir’s now, which meant no sleeping naked. It would be pajamas every night until they moved out. “I’m going to shower and then lay down on the couch. I’ll see you in the morning. We should go out and get breakfast.” 

“Okay,” Chester agreed. “I’ll be hungry by then.” 

A short moment passed between them, a silent agreement that tomorrow, Chester would eat something. “We’ll go to the breakfast place. The one with your favorite French toast.” 

“I’m good with that,” Chester assured him before they both said goodnight. Ryan closed the door, and Chester felt the loneliness that followed. He stayed where he was, slouched on the edge of the bed. He felt a new sort of sadness ripple across his stomach as he thought about Mike and Jason and wondered which bed they would be sleeping in tonight. 

He stood up, his legs feeling weak as he crossed the room to turn the light off. He pulled his phone out and used it as a makeshift light to get back to the bed. He pulled the pink and silver blanket back, and then the white sheet. He left his phone on the nightstand as he stepped out of his jeans, and then pulled his purple shirt off. He left both in a heap on the floor as he climbed in under the sheet. He reached for the stuffed alien Ryan had brought him earlier, before he’d found out he’d been cheated on. Before Ryan was newly single, too. 

He rubbed his face against it, sniffing back what felt like impending tears. He was really sick of crying, he just wanted it to stop. _Ryan’s right. Mike could have just told me. Why didn’t he? Why did he lie? Mike’s never been a liar. And cheating...I would have bet my life that Mike would never cheat on me. On anyone. He was always so disgusted by things like that...were things so bad between us that he felt like that was his only option to be happy?_

It was a hard question. They had their problems as a couple, but Chester had always considered them happy for the most part. They had their ups and downs, the hills and valleys of making a life together, but had it been so awful for Mike? _I guess it was._

Chester reached for his cell phone through the dark. He took a deep breath, thinking back over the last few days, and the quick succession in which everything had happened. _We never talked about breaking up. Not even hypothetically._ It was a long back and forth with himself as he pulled up his text thread with Mike. As he read through their messages, not just from the last few days, but for days and weeks back. All the heart emojis. All the _I love yous_, all the flirting and concern and talk over dinner plans. He read them all the way back until he decided he owed Mike one more text. 

**Chester:** _You could have just told me. If you weren’t happy, we could have gone our separate ways. I don’t hate you, Mike. I really don’t. I guess maybe it’s all karma coming to bite me in the ass. After all, I lied to you when we first met about YRS. I’ve always regretted that. I know it doesn’t matter now, but I just wanted you to know._

Chester hit send, and then turned his phone on Do Not Disturb for the night. He put it back on the nightstand, and pulled the sheet up around his shoulders, keeping Ryan’s alien tight against him. It was going to be hard to sleep, and he knew it. He rolled over before he was able to push thoughts of Mike away, and instead think of things coming - breakfast in the morning, and going to San Francisco. He debated over what it would be like to move in with Ryan, and if that was really a good idea or not. It was his last thought before he finally drifted into sleep. 

***  
TBC


	28. Stolen Kisses

Mike stood next to the refrigerator, a plastic cup of water in his hand. Boxes of Jason’s neatly organized belongings were stacked along behind the back of the couch, and several of his own boxes labelled “art” had joined them this morning. As his eyes roamed over the downstairs, thinking that it was more organized than he’d seen it in months, he saw his phone sitting on the table. It was silent. With Jason always near, he hadn’t been on it much lately. He hadn’t talked to Chester in a week. 

The last message he sent to his ex-boyfriend was wishing him a safe trip to San Francisco. They’d randomly texted on and off before he went to Seattle with Jason to house hunt. Small, inconsequential things with deeper, tragic apologies sprinkled in. And then once he’d left for Seattle, there was nothing. Mike’s shoulders dropped as he looked out over the loft. He’d be in L.A. for another two weeks living out of a suitcase. Everything else was going with Jason to the new house in Seattle when the company came to move it all for them. 

_The new house. Our new house._

Mike set his cup down and walked over to the windows. It was hard to believe he was leaving L.A., but the idea of leaving the loft itself wasn’t too distressing. Everywhere he looked reminded him of Chester. He’d carefully folded the red and black blanket and packed it away to make the trip to Seattle, even though he knew it would probably stay in a closet somewhere. _There’s so much closet space. Ches would love it._

It was true he’d fallen instantly in love with the most unusual living circumstances he could think of - the upscale houseboat they’d gone to look at on a whim the second day they were in Seattle. Mike thought about all the built-in cabinetry, the light colored wood accents, and the pale blues, greens, and whites of the interior. There was space - walls and rooms - which he’d become unaccustomed to in the two years he’d spent at the loft. Jason would have his office, Mike would have room to paint, and the upstairs master bedroom had two entire walls of glass windows that could be opened completely to the outside air. Both levels had decks outside, and Jason had wrapped his arms around Mike’s waist as they stood and looked over the water, murmuring in his ear about wine and the wind and the water. All Mike had to do was say yes, and Jason would write the check. 

_You’re going to be so happy here, sweetheart,_ Jason said over sushi that night in downtown Seattle, his eyes sparkling in the overhead light. _Living on the water will be so peaceful._ Mike had smiled, nodded along, barely tasting his lobster roll as he thought about all the changes coming his way.

The trip was a whirlwind of real estate meetings, furniture and household goods selections, and touring the University of Washington campus. Every time Mike thought about school he had the same queasy, excited feeling. He’d finished his application, set a date for his music audition, and now they were just waiting for his acceptance. Jason didn’t seem the least bit put off by the prospect of writing yet another check for his tuition, and Mike had to wonder just exactly how much money Jason had managed to squirrel away in the past few months. He’d never seen how much Jason still pulled in from YRS, and Mike knew the promotion was a substantial one, but Jason was spending money like he was still living in the house in the hills. Anything Mike wanted for the house, Jason quickly agreed to, and most of the time before Mike could stop to question the price or even do the math, Jason was arranging payments and deliveries.

Mike knew the utilities would be on when Jason got to Seattle next weekend. He’d spent the morning at the kitchen table with his laptop, putting all of it in his name while sipping his coffee and occasionally calling out to Mike as he finished taping up another box of his life. There were moments Mike was close to tears, thinking of when he’d moved into the loft, the way he and Chester had made trip after trip in their cars with his belongings, and how Dave had come to the rescue with his truck. _Damn. I need to make sure I say goodbye to Dave. And Anna. I’ll have to let her know I’ll definitely be back for the wedding._ It still seemed unreal that Anna was getting married, but Mike pushed that away, too. There were too many thoughts and memories trying to veer him from the current path. The path that included Jason, that included school and fulfilling dreams he’d had for years. 

_And Ches. I have to see him again before I go. I know it’s selfish of me, but I just want to give him one more hug and maybe he’ll listen to me if I try to explain. I know it’s all hard to understand. I don’t even understand what happened still. I can’t figure out how I screwed everything up so badly. But I need to at least say goodbye. I can’t just leave._ Mike turned away from the window and his eyes went immediately back to his phone. The thought to text Chester, to simply say “I miss you” was right there, but he didn’t pick up the phone. It wasn’t fair to keep trying to pull Chester back in when he’d made the choice to end their relationship. _But I still love him. I know things went too far, with us, with Jason. I didn’t handle any of it correctly. I can’t just keep contacting him, though. That’s not fair. If he wanted to talk to me, he would._

It wasn’t that Mike was unhappy. He just wasn’t anything. He felt numb to all of the experiences of the past two weeks, ever since he’d looked into Chester’s eyes and put the last knife in his heart. Ever since he admitted he’d slept with Jason. From that moment, from his reflections on the beach, he’d really not felt anything. He was grieving the end of their love and his own stupidity, and Mike didn’t know how long that would last. Even with Jason trying his hardest - the hotel suite in Seattle, the fancy restaurants, the agreeable way he’d been about everything - it just didn’t feel the same. Not to Mike. He didn’t think anything would ever feel like his first love again. 

Mike heard the front door open, and then there was Jason, the rustling of a paper bag accompanying his entrance as it was set on the counter in the kitchen. He picked up his phone and stuck it in his pocket.

“Make any more progress while I was gone?” Jason asked, looking around. He’d gone out to grab lunch, and Mike had opted to stay behind. Jason could tell there were things on his mind and knew that Mike needed a little space, but he wanted Mike to talk to him. It had been completely different since they had broken up with Chester and Ryan. The ease in the way they talked with each other seemed to have left with their ex-boyfriends, and Jason didn’t understand why. 

“I’m finished with everything of mine down here,” Mike answered, following Jason’s eyes around the room. “I really don’t have much else to pack. With everything that’s waiting for us in Seattle, there’s just not anything left to take. Except clothes, but you know I don’t have a whole closet full like-” Mike stopped. He was about to say, _”like Chester”_ but he caught himself. “Like some people.” 

Jason nodded thoughtfully. “You’re right. Once all our stuff is packed, it’s just the furniture. It will make renting this place out a breeze.”

Mike sat down at the table as Jason brought the two wrapped sandwiches from the kitchen. “So you’ve decided to rent it, then? Not sell it?”

“I don’t want to sell it, not yet.” Jason set the sandwiches down and then went back in the kitchen for Mike’s water and to get himself a cup. “I think I’ll hang on to it until I’m sure that Seattle is where we’re going to stay.”

“Well, if I get into the music school, that’s five years to finish,” Mike offered, his eyebrows coming together in thought. “Do you really want to rent it out for that long?” He unwrapped his meatball sub and lifted the corner of the bread. There was melted parmesan and mozzarella, just like he’d asked for, with one long stripe of spicy mustard down the middle. 

Jason filled his cup and came back to the table, leaning down as he placed Mike’s cup in front of him, and kissed him on the cheek. “I just want to keep our options open. I don’t ever want to be in a place where I’m stuck again. Mark bought this outright, it’s not costing me anything but upkeep. So I’ll hang on to it for a while.” Jason’s tone was easy, and all Mike did before he took a bite of his sandwich was nod. He watched Mike for a second while he unwrapped his own sandwich. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind,” he commented finally when the silence felt like it had become a little bit too long. 

“Just thinking about leaving,” Mike answered vaguely, his gaze on the view outside the windows. “Thinking about my friends I need to say goodbye to. I guess I’ll have plenty of time to do that after you leave.” He shifted his focus to Jason. “Thanks for letting me stay and finish out the month at Red Pelican. It’s so much easier to shift kids to new teachers at the end of the month, since the parents pay on the first.” He felt the corners of his mouth turn down a little as he thought of leaving his students, again. This new group hadn’t been his long enough for Mike to get super attached to them, but he would miss them just the same.

“It makes sense. I know when you left them the first time, it was with no notice. I didn’t want you to have to do that again.”

Mike stiffened in his seat at the mention of the first time he’d left Red Pelican. _To go work at YRS. I should have never done it. Not that it makes a difference now, it’s all gone. Nothing I will ever do for Jason can repay him for that._ He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. “I’m so glad YRS is gone. I have no idea how you stood it as long as you did.” Mike took another bite of his sandwich.

Jason pondered that for a minute. It was a question he’d asked himself so many times. At one point, he’d been happy with Mark. He’d been happy to get out from in front of the camera. He’d been happy to not worry about money anymore. “I guess a part of me felt like I owed him,” Jason said carefully. “You weren’t there when things were good. But Mark took care of me. He gave me everything I wanted.”

“That’s a lot to put up with, just out of a sense of obligation.” Mike shook his head. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until he’d started eating. Cereal every morning when he was used to more substantial breakfasts was a hard adjustment for his body. The sandwich was already half gone and he knew he’d still be hungry when he was finished.

“Sometimes, that’s just how it goes.” There was more silence as Jason picked a bite of bread off the top of his sandwich. “Is that all? Just anxious over your friends?” He desperately wanted to lift Mike from the melancholy place he’d been since they came back from Seattle, but he hadn’t been able to break the code of what was wrong. He didn’t want to think it was cold feet, or worse, regret over leaving Chester. Jason was ready to put a lot of distance between them and Chester, and he kept telling himself it was for Mike’s sake.

Mike looked up and forced a tiny smile. “There’s a lot on my mind, Jay. We’re moving seventeen hours away. I’ve lived in L.A. my entire life. I’m anxious, I guess. Ready to get it over with and stop worrying about it. The anticipation is worse than the actual moving, I think.” He balled up the wrapper his sandwich had been in and stood up. “I’m excited for you, and for us, all of it just hasn’t sunk in yet.” He took his trash and his cup into the kitchen, throwing the wrapper away and getting more water. “I’m going to go look around upstairs one more time. I think I’ve got it all, but I want to make sure.”

Jason watched his boyfriend cross the loft and he held in the sigh that wanted to escape. As many times as Mike had retreated upstairs the past two days, Jason didn’t think there was a possibility that anything had been missed. Mike had resolutely refused to sleep in the bed he’d shared with Chester, and the only items left up there now were his clothes. But for some reason, Mike had disappeared for periods of time and Jason had no idea what he was doing. 

Double checking the bedroom was fine. The movers would be coming in a few days - Friday - and then Jason would drive up alone in his car. _I’ll have time to have everything set before he walks in. All the furniture, everything unpacked. The kitchen set up. And I’ve got a drafting table coming for him he doesn’t even know about._ Jason’s heart lifted as he thought about surprising Mike with the table in his art room. _He’ll love the lighting in there. It’s perfect._ Keeping the secret would be easy, and Jason was excited about it. He stood up, ready to throw away his trash and go upstairs to figure out what Mike was doing up there.

Mike sat on the bare mattress for a minute, looking around the empty loft. It was as though he and Chester had never lived there. Everything was wiped clean, the closet and nightstands empty. Mike had looked at the zebra-print fuzzy cuffs and the lacy pink panties for a long time yesterday before he dropped them in the trash bag, his heart aching as he did. It was just another painful reminder of all he’d lost, everything he’d managed to screw up between him and Chester. The memory of his first time being on top had reduced him to tears yesterday, not from shame but from wistfulness. It was just another moment he wished he could go back and live again, to fully appreciate what he’d had. He was grateful Jason hadn’t been home to see his meltdown.

He had to make his peace with this room, and leave it all behind. Pulling it along with him wouldn’t do his new relationship with Jason any good, and he knew it. Mike rubbed his hands over his eyes and stood up, going over to open the closet door one more time. His flannels were still hung neatly to the side, two pairs of shoes on the floor. He closed the double doors and then opened every drawer in the dresser. His were still neat and wouldn’t need to be packed until the morning he left. 

Chester’s were empty. 

With a sigh, Mike opened the bedside table drawer on his side. It was empty. He walked around the bed and opened Chester’s drawer. It was empty as well. Mike was about to go back downstairs when a bright pink shoelace caught his eye, peeking out from under the bed. He bent over and gasped. A pair of Chester’s shoes had somehow been overlooked, tucked up under the bed where they didn’t belong. _He always puts his shoes away. I can’t believe these are under the bed. I can’t believe he hasn’t missed them yet._

Mike pulled out the sneakers and sat down on the bed holding them. _Maybe he has missed them. He just doesn’t want to talk to me. That’s how much he doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s giving up shoes for me._ He looked down at the laces, so carefully threaded through the holes. _No. That can’t be right. He’d never give up shoes. He must not know he’s missing them. I need to take them to him. Right now! He has to have them back!_

He stood up, a shoe in each hand, and hastily made his way downstairs. “Jay,” he called out, and watched as his boyfriend turned his direction. “Ches left shoes here. I need to take them to him. Right now, before he finds out they’re gone.”

Jason frowned, both hands going to his hips automatically. “If he hasn’t missed them by now, he’s probably not going to. It doesn’t seem urgent.” 

“No, I have to take them to him. I don’t think he’ll answer my call, but I can go leave them outside Amir’s door if nobody is there. But surely someone is. It’s the weekend. Somebody has to be there.” He could hear the near hysteria in his voice and took a deep breath. “I’ll be right back, I swear. I just don’t want him to be without these shoes. He loves these shoes.”

Jason let his arms drop to his sides. It wasn’t going to do any good to argue about Mike taking the shoes to Chester. Chances of anyone at Amir’s opening the door for Mike were slim, and he knew it, so the likelihood of Mike even _seeing_ Chester was almost zero. He tried not to feel threatened as he gave in. _Mike chose me, he did. He’ll come back. _ “Okay, if it will make you feel better, go drop them off. Did you make sure that’s it? No need for multiple trips,” he added lightly, as though it didn’t bother him at all that Mike was so hell-bent on taking a simple pair of sneakers to his ex. 

Mike shook his head. “This is it. They were under the bed. Which doesn’t make any sense, Ches always puts his shoes away. Used to, I mean.” He felt his cheeks flush a little and out of habit he turned toward the stairs to get his keys from his backpack.

“Your stuff is over here, Mikey,” Jason said quietly as Mike stopped in surprise.

“Right. I keep forgetting everything is packed up and moved.” Mike hurried into the kitchen and grabbed his keys from the counter before he stopped in front of Jason. “I’ll be right back.” He dropped a quick kiss to Jason’s lips and headed toward the door.

“I’ll be here.” Jason watched Mike nod and then he was gone. He ran his hand over his hair and pushed off the counter with his hips, ready to go sit down on the couch. Going to Seattle would make everything easier. No more memories of YRS, of the loft and Ryan, or Chester. There would be enough distance that Chester wouldn’t be a concern. Jason sat down on the couch and reminded himself it was just a few more days, and then everything would be in place. _Everything will be fine, when we’re away from here. When everything is ready for a fresh start._

****

Chester sat on the floor of his borrowed walk-in closet. He was surrounded by his shoes, and that fact alone had his spirits low as he stared at them. Everything else was done - his clothes, belts, and everything he had packed up from the loft - all of it was neatly organized and in place. The boxes were labelled and stacked, and every stitch of clothing was hung with care. 

But his shoes were another story. Chester couldn’t even count how many times he’d sat on the floor, looking at his beloved collection of sneakers, boots, sandals, and even dress shoes, and he had no idea what to do with them. He had made space, and had even tried to line them up a few times, but nothing seemed right. 

He looked out into the bedroom, at the neatly made bed with the pink and silver blanket, the double pillows lined against the headboard, and the little stuffed alien from Ryan sitting in the middle. Chester’s shoulders slumped a little as loneliness crept over him. _I know I told Ryan he couldn’t stay, but I still miss him._ He looked down at his legs, one was tucked up close to his body, the other was stretched out, his calf, ankle, and foot hidden inside the bandages and padded boot he’d been in since the day he and Ryan had come home from San Francisco. _And this stupid thing. I can’t even really work till it comes off. Unless they just need my top half for something._

He let out a frustrated grumble as he picked up a pair of his shoes, a simple pair of Converse with glittery laces. He picked at one of them, running the sparkly strand through his fingers. _Mike bought me these laces. Said they reminded him of me. God, I miss him. He’s probably gone by now, off with Jay._ Chester sniffed back what wanted to come out. Despite their light texting back and forth a few weeks ago, he hadn’t heard anything else from Mike, and at this point, he wasn’t expecting to. _And why should I? We’re broken up...there’s nothing more to say. I think we’ve both taken on as much blame as we can._

Chester set the shoes down, off to the side as he picked up another pair. He was going to do this. He was going to get them organized, come hell or high water. He was determined to stay focused, and so he ignored the sound of someone knocking on the front door, even as he looked that way. From where he was on the floor, he couldn’t even see his bedroom door, but unless it was Ryan showing up, he knew whoever it was, they weren’t coming to see him. _Amir’s at work, but Noah’s here._ It was a passing thought, an assurance that someone who didn’t have a fractured ankle would get the door. 

Mike waited anxiously outside Amir’s door, looking down the hallway both directions after he knocked. _I should have at least texted. They’re probably all out. Doing something fun. Ryan and Ches, they like to do stuff, I bet they aren’t even here. This was stupid. I’m going to have to just leave them here on the mat, and somebody could just come and take them. Would somebody take them?_ He raised his hand to knock again when the front door eased open. Mike was ready to greet Amir, but it was Noah’s freckled face that peered through the crack in the door. Mike tilted his head to the side. “Um. Hi, Noah. I’m, um, this is Amir’s place, right?” He stepped back a little and looked around.

Noah stepped back and opened the door a little more. It had been awhile since he’d last seen Mike Shinoda. “Yeah, he’s at work,” he answered, before glancing over his shoulder. Chester’s bedroom door was closed. “Can I help you with something?” he asked, looking back at Mike, and the neat shoes he was holding with the flashy pink laces. 

“Well, I, yeah.” Mike was a little taken aback. _I guess Noah’s spending a lot of time here. I didn’t expect him to be answering the door._ He held up the shoes. “I need to see Chester, is he here?” 

Noah wasn’t sure what to do, and he stood still for a moment as he debated his options. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Chester, or worse, upset Amir by letting Mike in. He had no idea if he was welcomed or not. _I know he’s texted a little with Chaz, though. I bet those are his shoes...or maybe Mike’s bringing them as a present. Maybe an I’m-sorry present._ “Yeah,” he finally answered, as he opened the door all the way. “Come on in. He’s in his room.” He nodded toward the closed bedroom door. 

“Thanks.” Mike didn’t wait for Noah to change his mind. He was inside the apartment and on his way to Chester’s room, his heart racing. He hadn’t seen him for almost two weeks, and it was the longest they’d gone without being together since he’d moved into the loft. Mike didn’t spare Noah a backwards glance until he got to the door to Chester’s room, and he stopped, his hand on the handle. It wasn’t his place to just go inside without permission. He wasn’t the boyfriend. He had no rights. Mike bit his lip and looked at Noah, who had stopped alongside the kitchen and was just watching him. With a sigh, he knocked softly on the bedroom door. 

Chester picked his head up, looking out into the bedroom, but he couldn’t see the door. He had to assume it was Noah, coming to ask something or to sit and chat for a few minutes. When Amir wasn’t around, he could get a little clingy, which wasn’t so bad anymore. He was someone to talk to, someone to listen. “Come in!” Chester shouted before he looked back down at his piles of shoes.

Mike opened the door, expecting to see the room littered with the combination of Chester and Ryan’s things, but it was painstakingly neat. There were no piles anywhere, just a neatly made bed with that awful comforter on it, and a little green alien. Mike smiled at the alien and turned his head, catching sight of the open closet doors. “Ches?” he called, then cleared his throat. “Chester? I, it’s Mike,” he finished awkwardly, feeling like a complete idiot for identifying himself. _Of course he knows my voice._

Chester gasped the moment he heard his ex’s voice. He straightened himself up and tried to see more into the room. “Mike? I’m in the closet,” he said with a hard swallow. “What are you doing here?” He still couldn’t see anything, and his focus hit his leg instead as he glared at the protective boot. If he wasn’t broken, he would walk out to meet him, but for the moment, he was stuck on the floor. 

_Of course he’s in the closet._ The thought kept the smile on Mike’s face as he made his way over to the open doors. “I needed to bring you something. You might be missing these.” He held the shoes out in front of him as he walked into the closet, almost tripping over Chester in the process. “Babe? What are you doing on the floor?” Mike cursed himself immediately, the endearment he’d used only for Chester for so long coming out of his mouth so casually. “I mean, Chester, god, what happened to your leg?” Mike dropped down next to Chester, the lost pair of shoes still in his hand. 

It took Chester a moment, his eyes ghosting over every bit of Mike, and his heart pinched at the sight of him. Mike’s hair was in his eyes, his open red and black flannel showing off only part of his black undershirt. His jeans were ripped, his voice concerned, and it all made Chester smile before he frowned. “I got trampled,” he answered in a sour tone. “At the last parade we went to in San Francisco. Protesters showed up. Can you believe that? It was this small chaos, and I got pulled under or lost my footing or something,” he stated with a sigh. 

Mike didn’t even think. His hands went right to Chester’s boot. “You could have been trampled to death!” Mike declared. “You’re lucky it’s just your foot. Or ankle? Is it sprained? Or broken? How long will you be in the boot? Can you walk? Why are you on the floor?” He stopped. His typical worried-Mike ramble had flowed out as if there hadn’t been any space or time between them. He felt his cheeks blush a little. “Sorry. I just can’t stand to see you hurt.” 

It was nice to be cared about, and Chester ducked his eyes and watched Mike’s long fingers pass over the padded boot, fingers he knew like they were his own. “It’s not broken,” he answered. “And I’ve got some bruises from it too, so not quite just my ankle. I have to go get x-rays in a few weeks, and they’ll decide if I’m healed, and I can’t organize my shoes,” he answered in a whine. He motioned around. “I’ve been trying since I got here and I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything else, I got, but these are tripping me up.” 

“Oh, Ches, it’s okay,” Mike soothed, looking from the boot back to Chester’s sad looking face. “Do you want some help? I can stay a while. You can just tell me where to put things, since you’re stuck on the floor. Or maybe you couldn’t get it right because of these.” He pointed to the shoes he’d brought in. “You’re missing them. They were under our bed.” 

Chester looked over, the sight of his favorite black sneakers with the pink laces caught him by surprise. “I left them behind?” he asked, almost like he didn’t believe what Mike had said. “Under our bed?” he repeated. “How would they get there?” He shook his head, dismissing his own question. “Doesn’t matter,” he stated instead. “Thanks for bringing them back. I bet that was the problem, the order is all off. You, you…” He knew he should tell Mike he could go, but his heart pulled at him. He really didn’t want Mike to get up and walk out, not yet. “It’s really nice to see you,” he whispered instead. 

Mike dropped his head and blinked a few times. “I’ve been thinking about you, Ches. Every day. All day. Every box I pack I’m thinking about you. I miss you,” he admitted quietly, thinking that he shouldn’t be saying anything that had just come out of his mouth. “And then I come in here and you’re broken.” He spread his fingers over Chester’s knee. “And I can’t do anything about it.” 

A warm feeling hit Chester’s insides. He missed being touched. “I’m okay,” he assured Mike. “Getting around is tough and the crutches are annoying. Thank goodness I don’t have to climb any stairs.” He sucked his piercing in for a second before letting out a breath. “So you’re really packing up and leaving?” 

“I’m going to go to school in Washington,” Mike said, avoiding Chester’s eyes. It hurt to look at him. He wanted to reach over and swipe his thumb along the lip ring Chester was sucking on, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his anymore. “I’ve got an audition set up and everything.” 

Chester nodded. He knew how important school was to Mike, and despite how things had gone, a piece of him was happy he was finally getting to fulfill that particular lifelong dream. “I hope you get in,” he offered simply. “They’d be crazy not to take you, you’re so talented.” 

“It’s not USC, I think I’ve got a pretty good chance.” Mike dared to look over at Chester. “Thanks. I’ve been practicing a lot.” He let his fingers smooth a little bit higher on to Chester’s leg, his heart caught in his throat as he looked at his ex-boyfriend. “I wish it wasn’t so far away.” 

“You’ll be happy there,” Chester encouraged, though he wasn’t completely sure why. He reached out and tugged on the side of Mike’s flannel. “Your people are up there...flannels everywhere. I’m sure it’s twice as bad on a college campus.”

_You’ll be happy there. That’s what Jay said. I’d be happy in Seattle. Why does it feel like I’d be happier if I just stayed on the floor of this closet?_ Mike shook his head and covered Chester’s fingers with his hand. “You’d never last. The fashion horrors of the northwest coast. They wouldn’t know what to do with someone like you.” He smiled and squeezed Chester’s hand. “You’d stick out just like a unicorn in a field full of horses.” 

Chester giggled softly, his cheeks warming slightly. “I’ll always take being a unicorn as a compliment. Too bad I don’t have an awesome horn.” He pointed to his forehead with his free hand. “Although, give me long enough and I bet I could work something out with my hair.” He flashed Mike a silly smile before his face turned serious again. “I agree, it sucks you’ll be so far away...I’ll miss you.”

“Maybe we can text more?” Mike asked hopefully, his fingers still lacing into Chester’s. “I’ll miss you too, Ches. I’m so glad you let me in. I thought that maybe you wouldn’t.” He lifted Chester’s hand and kissed the back of it gently. “I wouldn’t have been surprised. And Noah seems to be taking the gatekeeping duties seriously. I could tell he didn’t want to let me in.” He lowered their hands to his lap but kept Chester’s tightly inside his own. 

“It’s been pretty dramatic around here,” Chester admitted, his voice low, just between the two of them. “Amir went from having a bachelor pad to having me and Ry here, and Noah, I think he’s trying to do what he thinks Amir would want. He’s actually turned out to be a pretty good guy, despite our first impressions of him.” He waited, catching the look of memory and acknowledgement in Mike’s dark eyes. “And I’ll always let you in, Mike...even with how things have gone. It feels weird not to talk to you or to see you.” He paused for a second before he added, “even though I know that’s coming.”

Mike felt the longing for Chester in his heart, and it ached. It was hard to believe, with everything that had happened and all he’d done, that Chester didn’t hate him. Didn’t want to kick him out and never see him again. The last time he’d been here, he was so sure that’s how it was all ending between them. Mike turned his head and looked out of the closet. “Where’s Ryan’s stuff?” he asked, dodging a response to the last thing Chester just said. Mike didn’t want to say anything else about moving to Seattle, not right now. There were still two weeks until he left. 

Chester followed Mike’s eyes out into the room. “He’s not here. He moved out. I told him I didn’t think it was good for us to share a room, so he found another place.”

“You told him that?” Mike’s eyes snapped right back to Chester’s. He was so close, and Mike could hear his breathing. “But, you two, I…” he trailed off, confused. Chester asking Ryan to leave didn’t fit what he’d been carrying around with him for the last two weeks. He’d been imagining that the moment they were both free, Chester and Ryan had moved right into coupledom, the way he and Jason had. It was what he’d been expecting all along. But the lack of Ryan’s belongings in the room, and the knowledge that he wasn’t just upstairs with Amir, had Mike sick to his stomach. “You’re just here all alone?” he asked, his voice tight. 

“Yeah,” Chester answered with a short shrug. “You know how it is, Ryan and I, we aren’t always great with our boundaries.” He dropped his eyes to the dark gray carpet. “If he stayed here, things would have happened and he’s my friend.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to lose him as that. And it’s not healthy for us, having blurry lines that screw things up, so I drew the line.” _I’m sorry I did it too late._ He pushed that thought away. He’d already apologized for everything that had happened with Ryan while he and Mike had been together. “He moved in with Talinda. She had an extra room, and it worked out. It’s still hard to believe,” he said with a short chuckle. “He’s actually living with _Talinda the Tyrant_.”

Listening to Chester wasn’t helping Mike with all his conflicting feelings about leaving L.A. and moving on with Jason. It wasn’t what he expected to happen. It wasn’t anywhere close to what he thought, especially after the months and months of blurred lines, the kissing and everything else that he knew about that had happened between Ryan and Chester. He never would have thought Chester would push the other man away. “Yeah, that’s crazy,” he offered, his mouth dry. _I wasn’t overreacting about them. He just said if Ryan had stayed things would have happened. So I was right, that attraction is there. But, he sent him away. Now that it’s okay, Ches made him leave._ “I wish I would have known,” he said, like that would help anything now. Mike looked up and he felt his eyes start to water. “I know I’ve already said it a million times, but I’m sorry, Ches. This is not how I expected things to be.”

“There was no reason to tell you,” Chester mumbled. “And don’t be sorry anymore, Mike. I know neither of us wanted it to go this way when we got together. Any of it.” He finally pulled his hand away from Mike’s, and put both of them on his thighs with a slight squirm. “My ass is sore from this floor. Before you have to go, would you help me up?” he asked. “It’s hot in this closet, and I can’t get up by myself.” He pointed down to his boot with a scowl. 

Mike scrambled up to his feet. “I don’t have to go. What about your shoes?” he added frantically, looking around the closet as he held his hands out for Chester to take. “You can sit on the bed and tell me where to put them. Or you can relax and I’ll try to organize them. I think I know what you like.” He waited for Chester to take one of his hands, and then he bent down to put his other arm around Chester’s back. “Come on, let’s get you on the bed.”

Chester let himself be pulled up, his body leaning against Mike’s. They hobbled their way across the room, and Mike sat him down carefully on the side of the bed. “It’s okay, about the shoes,” Chester said with a short hiss. “I just want some water and I have some painkillers.” He nodded toward the nightstand, where an orange bottle was sitting. He carefully twisted on the bed, pulling his hurt leg up on the mattress. “But if you don’t have to leave right away, I, I’d like the company.” He looked up, Mike was standing right beside him. “If that’s okay.” 

“Anything you want, Ches,” Mike said, his hand reaching out to run over Chester’s soft blonde mohawk. A painful pinch to his heart hit at the thought of the blonde curls he loved, and how those had been mercilessly shaved away the morning after Mike tried to not be sleeping with two people at the same time. _The night I hurt him. Started hurting him._ He made sure Chester was settled and turned to the door. “Water. I’ll be right back.”

He stepped out into the open downstairs area. Noah was laying on the couch, looking very comfortable, and Mike tried to sound like he was completely calm and under control. “Noah, where can I get a glass? Ches needs some water to take his painkiller.” 

Noah sat slowly up, looking between Mike and the open bedroom door. “Oh, he’s taking one now?” he asked as he stood up and adjusted his snug fitting shirt. “Glasses are in the cabinet by the fridge,” he said with a point. “If you leave, let me know. He gets a little loopy when he takes those before he passes out. I don’t want him falling or something, and hurting himself even more.” 

“Right,” Mike agreed, going straight to the cabinet and getting a glass to fill. “I’ll stay until he falls asleep,” he told Noah on his way back into the bedroom, nudging the door shut with his foot before the redhead could offer any more advice. _I don’t have anything left to pack. And Ches needs me. He can’t be alone if the painkillers make him loopy. He needs me to keep him safe._ Mike pushed every other thought out of his head as he handed Chester the glass. “How many?” he asked, squinting at the label on the prescription bottle he’d just picked up. “Just one?” 

Chester took a sip of water, letting the cool rush hit his system. “Yeah, just one is good.” He held out his hand, and after Mike dropped one little white pill in his palm, he downed it with a large gulp of water. “Thanks, Mike,” he said, taking one last long drink before he handed the water back.

Mike put the glass on the table by the bed and stood there, looking down at Chester. “Noah said you get a little loopy,” he admitted quietly. “You want me to sit with you? I’d like to, if you’ll let me.” He really, really wanted Chester to let him stay close, but he was prepared to sit on the floor, or the complete other side of the room. Whatever would make him most comfortable. 

“Loopy probably isn’t a lie,” Chester said as he carefully scooted himself down on the bed, to lay down, and he didn’t manage it without another squirm and mumbled curse at the pain in his ankle. He eventually got into a comfortable position, lying on his back with both his legs stretched out in front of him. “You can sit down,” he said, looking up at Mike. “There’s a chair over at the desk, or you can sit next to me,” he offered, patting the other side of the bed. “There’s plenty of room.” 

“Okay.” Mike rounded the bed and sat down. It was _his_ side of the bed and that didn’t go unnoticed. He had to resist the urge to lay down next to Chester, slide his arm up under the pillow, and hold him close. It wouldn’t do either of them any good for him to slip into old habits. He scooted back and rested against the pillow, crossing his ankles and keeping his hands to himself. “I wish I could do something to make it better,” he whispered, pointing at Chester’s boot. 

Chester turned his head to face Mike, but he had his eyes closed as he said, “it was just bad luck.” He stopped, with Mike so close he could smell the familiar scent of his body wash and he smiled. He opened his eyes to see Mike’s jeans and his flannel. “It really sucks at night when I have to pee, and everyone is already in bed and I have to crutch my way there. Thank God there’s a bathroom on this floor. I’d pee myself before I’d be able to make it upstairs.”

“Two bathrooms. That’s quite the luxury,” Mike mumbled absently, looking at the rise and fall of Chester’s stomach as he breathed. “I’m sorry you have to do that alone. Crutches suck. They hurt your armpits.” He reached out and touched Chester’s arm softly. “Are your arms okay? Does anything hurt besides your leg?” He rubbed his fingers along the tattoos that had caught his eye so long ago in Joe’s karate studio. “You know, I’ve always loved these,” he added, tracing the bright blue and red flames.

Chester closed his eyes, sucking in the feel of Mike’s feathery touch. “I’m okay,” he said. “That feels nice...I haven’t been petted in awhile.” It wasn’t a fact he’d meant to share, but it came out, and before Chester could take it back, he decided he didn’t care. It felt good, and he didn’t want Mike to stop. 

Mike didn’t say anything. He let his fingers trace over Chester’s forearm, then up higher, swirling small circles over the sleeve of his t-shirt. He could imagine every tattoo that was being covered by the shirt, and he let his fingers draw them while Chester’s eyes stayed closed. He traced up his shoulder, then across his collarbone, and hesitated just a moment before he reached out and flipped the lip ring he loved so lightly with just the tip of one finger. Every part of him wanted to lean over and kiss Chester right then, but he didn’t think he could take it if Chester pushed him away.

He watched Chester’s face carefully to see if he was even still awake, and it was hard to tell. Mike left the lip ring alone and lifted his hand to the top of Chester’s head, rubbing over his hair and his scalp the way he knew Chester loved. “I never stopped loving you, Ches,” he whispered.

Despite the slow tingles and the numbness that was coming with them, Chester opened his eyes and looked up. He could feel Mike’s hand on his head, rubbing him just the right way, and it felt wonderful, like in that moment, they were alone together in another place where there were no hurt feelings or broken hearts. “It’s hard to know how to feel,” he admitted. “I thought you didn’t anymore.” 

“It’s not something you just turn off, Ches. And I know what you mean. I’m so confused by everything and all the regrets are just so heavy… I just want you to know, none of this is because I stopped loving you. Not ever.” Mike bent down and pressed a kiss to Chester’s forehead. “I know I don’t make any sense.” He let his fingers slip down the side of Chester’s face as he studied his closed eyes and his nose, his lips and the lip ring. Chester’s face was so familiar to him it hurt. 

“I’ve always been able to turn off a lot of things,” Chester said before he leaned his head back to look up at Mike. “But you’re right, turning love off isn’t working. I tried when I was mad at you, and I tried when I was hurt, and I tried when I just felt pushed aside and sad...but it’s still there.” He reached over, touching Mike’s nearby leg, caressing it. “Guess there’s no set time for it to all feel better.”

“I don’t know if it will ever feel better.” Mike took a deep breath, his eyes locked into Chester’s. “I know I’m stupid, but I really want to kiss you right now.”

Chester’s lips were already parted as he lifted his hand from Mike’s leg to his stomach, tugging on his shirt. “Me, too,” he whispered, hoping Mike would lay down with him. He could feel the meds kicking in, and if he was going to get a last kiss from Mike Shinoda, he wanted to feel it. He wanted to remember it. 

The tug on his shirt, Chester’s agreement, was all Mike needed. He slid down next to Chester, his hand still cupping his face, and kissed the tip of his nose. “You’re so beautiful, do you know that? I probably didn’t say it enough. I always told you how hot you are. But you’re beautiful, Ches.” Mike leaned in and feathered his lips over Chester’s. “I wanted you to know.” He licked his tongue over the lip ring and then pressed their lips together. It was so warm and familiar, and Mike’s fingers stayed carefully at Chester’s cheek, touching him softly as he started to kiss him back. Mike felt a little of the sorrow lifting from his heart. Chester didn’t hate him. They both still loved each other, and now they were kissing. He didn’t want it to end. 

Chester’s eyes were closed as his lips mingled with Mike’s. Their kisses were tentative at first, like old friends who hadn’t seen each other in awhile. His hand was still on Mike’s shirt, and as their tongues came into contact, Chester’s fingers curled into the fabric of his t-shirt. 

It was another few seconds before Chester leaned out of the kiss, his heart beating a little fast as his eyes fluttered. “We’re kissing,” he announced, like Mike didn’t know it. “I’ve been so sad without your kisses.” He was breathing with his mouth opened, his nose right next to Mike’s. “You’re beautiful, too,” he whispered, “even though you’ll always be Sexy Boy to me.” 

Mike leaned back in to connect their lips again. He didn’t want to waste time with words, and he couldn’t explain how much he loved hearing _Sexy Boy_ come out of Chester’s mouth again. He wiggled a little closer, his hand leaving Chester’s face and coming to rest on his bicep, holding him there lightly, as if he were going to break at any moment. Everything about their kisses felt fragile, and he didn’t want to push it. He let Chester’s tongue chase his instead of him being the one to take control. He wanted Chester to do whatever he wanted to do as they traded breaths and soft licks and suckles of each other’s lips. 

Chester’s heart lifted as he pulled out of their last kiss. His hand went slack against Mike’s chest. “I’m falling,” he mumbled, his head spinning as his eyes closed. He felt Mike’s warm body press a little closer to his, and he heard himself whimper before his mind shut off completely, pulled under by the painkillers.

“You’re not falling,” Mike whispered, kissing Chester’s cheek. “I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall.” He felt Chester’s body relax into his, and he closed his eyes. He’d wait for Chester to get good and asleep before he left. _It won’t take long_ he told himself, not even realizing that the familiar comfort of having Chester next to him was dragging him down into sleep, too. 

****

“Jay?” Mike walked in the apartment, tossing his keys onto the bar as he scanned the loft for his boyfriend. He’d been reluctant to leave Amir’s with Chester soundly sleeping, but he knew there was only so long he could stay with his ex before everyone would start asking questions. The drive home had been silent as he thought about what had happened. What he’d allowed. He couldn’t deny that he felt better than he had before he’d seen Chester, but why? 

It only took seconds for him to see that Jason wasn’t anywhere to be seen. “Jason!” he called a little louder, “you home?” 

“Upstairs!”

Mike stopped halfway across the room and cocked his head. _Why is he upstairs? He never goes up there._ All of the warm, content feelings he had from things going so well with Chester faded slowly. None of it was supposed to happen. He was supposed to take the shoes to Chester and leave, not fall asleep next to him after they kissed a little bit and he traced his hands all over Chester’s body. _He didn’t want me to leave. I know he was asleep, but he tried to get closer to me, he tried to say something. It was just a whimper._ Mike felt his heart pinch as he thought of running his hand over Chester’s sleeping head one more time and kissing his lips before he covered him with the blanket and left. _With Amir just watching me. Judging me. At least he didn’t say anything. And Noah, sitting there with his feet in Amir’s lap. They’re so weird._

He shook his head and looked at the stairs. “What are you doing?” Mike asked as he started up the steps, but Jason was already on his way down.

“I got everything else out of the bedroom,” Jason said, a pleased look on his face. “That way you don’t have to go up there so much. I know it was upsetting you.” He stopped on the step above Mike and put his arms around Mike’s neck. “I moved your stuff down here with mine, so you don’t have to be reminded. Just two more weeks, sweetheart.” Jason leaned down and trapped Mike’s lips in a sensual kiss, his fingers feathering along the back of Mike’s long hair.

Mike’s hands went out to Jason’s hips, holding him lightly in place, even after their kiss broke. “Sorry I was gone for a while. Ches has a broken ankle and I was helping him with his shoes.” Mike shrugged, looking down at Jason’s bare feet. “I lost track of time.”

Jason watched Mike avoid his eyes and reached to find the spot behind his ear that he knew Mike loved. “It’s fine. It gave me time to surprise you.” He stroked his fingers over Mike’s spot and saw Mike lick his lips before he leaned down and kissed him again, this time with a little nip to Mike’s bottom lip. He felt his lover’s lips part for him and heard his breathing change, and it was all Jason could do not to smile. Mike was always putty in his hands when they kissed. “Come on. Come sit down and tell me how it went.” Jason lifted Mike’s hand from his hip and pulled him toward the couch.

“You brought everything down here?” Mike asked belatedly, looking around while he allowed himself to be led to the couch. He could see neat stacks of his clothing next to the bed and he frowned. “Why? It was fine the way it was.” 

“You just looked upset every time you came downstairs, and I thought it would help,” Jason said tentatively as he sat down. He looked up at Mike and tugged on his hand. “I don’t know. You haven’t really been talking to me much, Mikey. I’m a little in the dark, and I was just looking for something to bring that smile I love back.” 

Mike looked down at Jason, shame washing over him. It was true. He hadn’t been very forthcoming in the past two weeks, and none of that was Jason’s fault. It was all him, heaping the blame on himself for hurting Chester and destroying them. _Breaking us. That’s what I did, I broke us. But maybe today fixed us a little. As much as we can be._ “I’m sorry,” Mike said again, not realizing it was already the second time he’d apologized since he’d been home. He sat down and tucked one leg up under him, turning his body to face Jason’s. “I _have_ been sad. There _are_ a lot of memories in this apartment, and it’s hard to just flip the switch, to go from being with Chester, to being with you. It’s hard to explain. I know it shouldn’t feel sudden, when we’ve been living together for months, and it’s not like we weren’t kissing and stuff before…” Mike held his hands out, palms up. “It’s just a shock. You’re very different from Ches. And I can’t lie and say I don’t still love him, Jay. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I did.” He conveniently left out the kissing that had happened in Chester’s bedroom. His boyfriend didn’t need to know about that. 

Jason watched every movement of Mike’s body, his hands, the way his eyes looked up at the loft every time he said Chester’s name. He reached over and rubbed his hand along Mike’s thigh. “I didn’t expect you to just stop loving him, I know that you do,” he started, his eyebrows furrowing together. “But, you want this, Mike. At least you did when we sat here three weeks ago and had wine and talked about having an affair. You wanted it enough to cheat, Mike, and I know that’s not you. I know we wouldn’t be sitting here if this, if you and me, wasn’t what you wanted deep down. I miss Ry, too, but we just aren’t meant for each other. I thought you and I agreed about all of that.”

“Ryan moved out of Amir’s,” Mike said flatly. “He’s living with Talinda. The assistant at Score.”

The soothing hand on Mike’s leg came to a halt as Jason processed that new information. “Talinda? Well… wow, I wasn’t expecting that.” Jason didn’t quite know what to think about Ryan leaving Chester alone at Amir’s. “I guess there’s just not room for all of them?”

Mike looked over at the bed in the corner he was now sharing with Jason. “Ches told him they couldn’t share a bed. That things “would happen” and they were just friends.” Mike’s hands dropped after he’d used them to make air quotations. “Maybe we were wrong about them, Jay.” He watched Jason shake his head and sigh.

“I don’t know what they’re doing,” he said resolutely, “but I know that we’re happy, right, Mike? Last week was great.” Jason held his breath, waiting for Mike to agree. 

“It was fast,” Mike agreed. “We were too busy for me to really process everything. I think I’m just overwhelmed. I don’t mean to be distant, I don’t.” He covered Jason’s hand with his own and squeezed it. “We _are_ happy, and this _is_ what I wanted,” he affirmed softly, unaware that he’d dropped into the past tense as he pushed away the nagging thought that he had really been happy sitting in the closet with Chester. It just didn’t matter anymore. He’d made a choice, Chester had ended their relationship, and there would be no going back to the way things used to be. Only forward.

Jason didn’t miss the past tense Mike was speaking in, but he wasn’t going to bring it up. Not now. He was steadfast in his belief that once they made it to Seattle, once Mike got settled in their new life, everything would be good between them. He wanted to ask if Chester had said anything else about Ryan, and how he was holding up, but he’d already steered the conversation away from their exes and didn’t particularly want to go back. His hand started rubbing Mike’s leg again. “We should go out some place really nice before the concert tonight,” Jason said, and had to laugh at the look of surprise on Mike’s face. “Did you forget? That’s tonight.”

“No, I didn’t forget,” Mike responded quickly, “I just forgot it was already Saturday.”

“You’re so funny. How can you forget it’s Saturday when we didn’t work today?” Jason slid closer and his hand inched up Mike’s thigh. “I know there’s a lot going on, but there’s still time for us to go out. In a few days I’ll be leaving, and those two weeks without you will feel like forever.” He ghosted his lips down Mike’s neck. “We have to take advantage of every second right now,” he whispered, his breath warm against Mike’s skin.

Mike’s eyes closed at the feeling of Jason’s lips seducing him. He had absolutely forgotten about the symphony date, but he couldn’t admit it, not when Chester was the reason why. Jason’s hand was moving, then his fingers were curling under the waistband of Mike’s jeans, and he sucked in a breath. The excitement of it being _Jason_ touching him hadn’t worn off, and probably wouldn’t for a while. _Not until I stop thinking of Ches that way. This still feels like it’s forbidden, and it’s not. We’re together now._ Mike turned his head to meet Jason’s lips, suckling gently at them while Jason’s fingers teased his stomach. 

After a few moments Jason pulled back, his eyes shining as he looked at the flush already rising on Mike’s cheeks. “I love how you look in a suit.” He lifted his hand to stroke down the front of Mike’s black t-shirt. “You’ve got a pale pink dress shirt I saw when I was moving stuff. I think you’d look great in that tonight,” he added before he sat back. “Let me go see about making a five o’clock reservation. We’ll finish _this_ tonight.”

Mike watched Jason stand up and walk over to the table, and he touched his bottom lip with one finger as he thought about how he’d been kissing Chester just a few hours before. Part of him wondered if somehow Jason could tell, but if he could, Mike reasoned it wasn’t bothering him. _The symphony will be good. It will be nice to just sit and listen and not worry about things. Not wonder how Ches is getting around, or if there’s someone there to take care of him. Or if he’s even awake yet. Those painkillers are strong. And his shoes. I need to go back to help him with his shoes._

He glanced over at Jason, who was leaning over his laptop on the bar, looking for the perfect dinner location. He dug his phone out of his pocket.

**Mike:** _Sorry I left before you woke up. If you need anything let me know. I’ll come back and help with your shoes if you need me to. _

Mike slipped the phone back in his pocket and laid back on the couch. He was just going to rest his eyes while Jason made his phone calls. Just for a minute, then he’d get up and get dressed. He almost laughed when Jason mentioned the pink shirt - he had exactly three dress shirts. The pink one, the light gray one he’d worn to Mark’s funeral, and the blue and silver one Chester had bought him on their first date. The one tie he owned went with both the pink and the gray shirt. _I used to have a closet full of dress clothes. Seems like I probably will again. We’ll be spending more time in places like this, I’ll need more than three shirts. I’ll have a whole closet full, just like Jay._ It wasn’t an unpleasant thought.

Dinner turned out to be a fancy Italian place next to the concert hall, and Jason guided Mike through a wine selection that went with both his Osso Buco and Jason’s shrimp pasta. The concert was excellent, as he’d known it would be. They’d chatted the entire way home about the programming, the concertmaster, the conductor, and the cello soloist that Mike was particularly fond of, all while Jason drove with one hand on the steering wheel of the Jaguar and the other on Mike’s leg. They’d finished the night off with sex, on the bed in the corner, Mike on his back again and Jason deep throating him before fucking him, and now they were laying together, both of them fresh from showers. Jason was naked and Mike had on his pajamas, and Mike’s arm was looped around Jason’s waist, softly petting the hair under his belly button. 

“Jay?” he whispered, his lips close to the back of Jason’s neck. Sex felt empty without the constant _I love yous_ he and Chester had exchanged, and he felt a sadness creeping over him. He wanted Jason to say it. He _needed_ Jason to say it.

Jason had already been drifting into sleep. Their relationship was young, and the sex was wearing him out. He hadn’t realized what a passive role he’d taken in his relationships with Mark and Ryan until he’d started up with Mike. In this relationship, this time, he wasn’t going to take whatever came his way. He was driving this ship. “Hmm?” he mumbled, trying to focus his thoughts. There was a pause, and he felt Mike kiss him lightly.

“Nevermind. You’re practically asleep,” Mike whispered back, burying his face between Jason’s neck and the pillow. “Good night.” He heard Jason’s answering “night” and Mike closed his eyes. Even though his body was tired, his brain wouldn’t settle down. He tried to think about calming things, but there was only one thing on his mind right now, and that was the way it had been so easy to tell Chester that he’d never stopped loving him, but the man he was laying with seemed to struggle with that same sentiment. He’d almost asked about it just now, but it wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have while Jason was half asleep. 

_I asked him the other day if he loved me, and he said yes… but that’s not the same as offering it freely. Why don’t we tell each other that?_ He struggled to remember what it was like when he and Chester first started dating. How long it had taken for them to say _I love you_? It seemed like they had always said it, but Mike knew that wasn’t true. _Was it after he went to Hawaii? It was. It wasn’t until he told me about YRS._

Mike’s eyes popped open and he eased away from Jason a little, trying not to disturb him as he thought back. _We’d been intimate for months by then. Well, not having actual sex, but there was lots of other stuff. And we never said I love you until the night after he told me the truth. The night I decided I loved him too much already to walk away. The night we made love for the first time. That was the first time we said I love you._ He looked at Jason’s back, the slope of his shoulders and his dark hair. The tingle of mutual attraction was always present between them, but saying _I love you_, it just hadn’t come yet. _And I’m getting ready to move away with him. I guess it’s good he was already mostly asleep. How do you ask someone, ‘why don’t you tell me you love me?’_

He leaned back in, squeezing his eyes closed tightly. _I have to give it time. Those words will come in time. Right now it’s the actions that matter. The actions say I love you even if the words aren’t there yet. We’ll get there._

Mike settled in for the night, his body curled around Jason’s. Neither of them had been able to reverse their sleeping habits so far, and Mike was okay with that. Jason was used to having Ryan behind him, and Mike was used to having Chester in front of him, and they had gravitated toward that same arrangement together. As he lay there, Mike tried not to compare the feeling of Jason’s body to Chester’s, and the comfort and quick sleep that had come laying next to his ex-boyfriend earlier that day. He tried to focus on Jason’s breathing, something that had always helped him sleep when he was holding Chester close. He tried not to worry about how long it took him to finally fall asleep holding Jason instead of Chester. 

****

TBC


	29. Looking Ahead

Chester sat on his bed, his hurt leg stretched out in front of him, his other triangled to the side. His back was against one pillow, but the other was in his lap, along with his leather bound journal and rainbow colored pen that wrote in pink, green, red, or blue, depending on what mood he was in. _Journaling_ had been a suggestion from his therapist, a tool she suggested to help him find his voice, the same voice that had been stuffed down and smothered during his years at YRS by the abuse, by Mark’s control - physical, mental, emotional, and sexual. It had slowly silenced Chester, but now it was time to find himself. His journal was a safe place where he could speak freely, and hone his thoughts. It was a way of keeping track of any dreams or nightmares. It was also a record of growth.

_You can look back, Chester,_ she had told him, _and see how things have changed, how you’ve changed._

Tons of changes had happened over the last few weeks, but none of them were recorded in the journal. Before Chester moved in with Amir, he’d only written in it twice, both times to jot down the contents of nightmares. But these days, his life was much slower, quieter. He found himself with a lot more alone time, and with that the heavier thoughts and ideas had come along, too. He’d been replaying how things had gone with Mike over and over in his head, trying to pinpoint where things went wrong, what he could have done differently in their relationship, and how all of it had brought him to where he was now. 

With his busted ankle, Chester was even more homebound, and he’d started writing in the journal on a daily basis, trying to get the heaviness out of his head, trying to make progress, trying to be better.

_That’s how Mike always said it,_ he wrote as he sat on the bed, the door to his room open. He could hear the sounds of the house that way, Amir and Noah both wandering around downstairs, in the kitchen or at the table or watching television. He heard them go up and down the stairs and in and out of the bathroom. It made Chester feel less lonely. _He always said he wanted me to get better. I’m not even sure what that means. The nightmares have been less, and I try not to think about Mark, even though that’s hard. I hate what happened to him. He was mean to us, and I know he took advantage and did some horrible things, but a part of me loved him. I never wanted him to get hurt, and I really never wanted him to die. _

_I’ve never told Mike any of that. If I ever told him I loved Mark, he’d get mad at me, just like he did when I was worried about Mark after Ry hit him. It’s not the same kind of love I have for Mike. I was never in love with Mark. I never daydreamed about being with him or wished we could run away together or secretly planned our wedding. It was never like that. I think maybe it was more like father/son love, which I guess is fucked up since we had sex. I don’t ever want to tell anyone that. They would really think something was wrong with me. I don’t even think I could tell Ry. Towards the end, he really started to hate Mark, and he had every right to. _

_I miss Ryan. I miss him being around. I miss the sound of his voice and his soft touch. I miss how he makes me laugh and getting to play video games and talk about all the celebrities and fashion. We still do that stuff, just not as much when we lived together. It’s better this way though. I know there’s things I need to tell him, it’s just hard. I love him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, even though I think I already did. He pretends like it doesn’t bother him, but I know I disappointed him when I told him he couldn’t stay here with me. I really need to fix that. For both of us. _

_And Mike. God. I miss him the way Ross misses Rachel on Friends. And I think that probably makes me more fucked up than anything else. He chose Jason. He cheated. He lied to me so many times. Lied to me right to my face and accused me of things I didn’t do. And I love him anyway. If he walked in here right now and said he wanted to get back together, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I know he won’t, which probably makes last night stupid. I can’t believe we kissed. I miss his kisses. I miss the way he touches me and the way he says my name. I miss laying in bed with him and talking to him. I miss the way he smells and how excited he gets over things. I know we had our problems, especially over the last six months we were together. From the moment Ry and Jason moved in with us, things weren’t right between me and Mike. Or maybe it was before that. I try not to think about what happened with the handcuffs at YRS. There’s so much of that night that’s kind of fuzzy from the drugs Mark gave me. But the reality is that’s when it changed. That’s when Mike started to change. Maybe it wasn’t the handcuffs. Maybe it’s because that was the same night Mark forced what happened between him and Jason. Either way, that was a turning point, even though I didn’t know it at the time. None of it matters now, I guess. But I still miss him. I miss how we were before things got out of hand. Sometimes I get mad at myself for missing him. He’s the first person I’ve ever been in love with, and somewhere along the line, he convinced me that we’d always be together. I never really doubted that. Maybe that’s why all of this is so hard. Why I can’t let him go._

Chester stopped, the pink letters on the page blurring as he wiped at his eyes. He took a minute, composing himself as he looked around his neatly organized room. He sat quietly as he heard Amir’s voice, then Noah’s and then laughter from them both. Chester picked his pen back up and wrote: _It’s not fair. It’s just not fucking fair. And Mike comes over here yesterday telling me how much he’s going to miss me and we kiss and he says he’s never stopped loving me, but he’s still going off with Jason. Is he lying to me again? It doesn’t feel like he’s lying, then again I never would have thought he’d have it in him to lie in the first place. To cheat. He cheated on me, and that still fucking hurts. And Jay cheated on Ryan and that still blows my mind. Maybe they’re just meant to be. Ryan told me they were getting close. I should have paid better attention. I feel like such an idiot._

Chester’s head popped up as he heard someone knocking on the front door, and for a split second Mike’s face floated across his thoughts. His ex had texted him after he’d left, offering to come back and help with the great shoe debacle. Chester looked into the closet, the double doors standing open. His collection of shoes were still all over the floor. 

But it was Ryan’s voice he heard as Amir opened the front door, and it was Ryan’s face he saw when he walked into the room. “Hey,” Chester said, a bright smile on his face as he closed the journal quickly and set it aside.

“Hey, Chazzy.” Ryan sat down beside Chester as he pulled his black leather jacket off and laid it across the bottom of the bed. “You feel like having company or are you busy?” he asked, pointing toward the journal.

“I’m always up for company,” Chester told him, giving his friend a once over. He was dressed all in black, his usual go-to outfit. His eyes lingered for a moment over the gold necklace around Ryan’s neck, and he smiled. “You look good.” 

Ryan ran a hand over his black jagged hair, pushing it back. “Thanks,” he offered, before returning the compliment. “You look better than you did the other day.” He paused for a moment, watching as Chester shook his head, and the way he stared down at himself. He was in nothing but a plain white v-neck shirt and a pair of tan shorts, the latter being easier with his boot. “You look like you want to talk about something.” 

Chester really hadn’t planned on bringing all this up today, but Ryan had just opened the door for the conversation, and Chester decided he might as well walk through it, for both of them. “Yeah, I kinda do.” He nodded toward the door, and Ryan was up closing it, no need for instruction. 

“Okay,” Ryan stated softly as he sat back down, pulling his legs underneath himself. “You know you can always tell me anything.” 

“I know I can.” Chester took a few longer breaths before he looked over, taking Ryan’s hand. “I just wanted to talk about us for a minute.” 

It was instinct. Ryan squeezed Chester’s hand. Yes. He’d love to talk about them. “What about us?” 

Chester looked down at their hands, Ryan’s larger than his. “You know I love you, right?” 

“I love you, too,” Ryan rushed to say before he pulled himself back. “And I know you do.” 

Chester nodded. “I probably always have, and I know I always will,” Chester went on, very slowly as he tried to pick his words just right. He didn’t want to hurt Ryan any more than he already was. “You’re my friend, Ry, and I don’t ever want to lose that.” 

Ryan’s excited thoughts dimmed a little. _Friends_ wasn’t the word he’d been hoping to hear, even though it wasn’t surprising. This wasn’t their first conversation like this since everything had gone down at the loft. “I don’t want to lose you either,” he said. 

“Maybe I’m being paranoid,” Chester admitted as he took his hand away from Ryan’s, “but I lost my dad, and in a way I lost my mom. She’s so far away now and I never get to see her. And I lost Mark and then Mike. I just don’t want to add you to that list,” he said as he looked into Ryan’s eyes and the beautiful shade of blue he’d grown to adore over the years. “If we ever dated, and it didn’t work out, God, Ry, I’d hate myself.” 

Ryan held Chester’s gaze for a moment before he looked down at his lap. He knew this conversation was coming. He’d known it ever since Chester had told him they couldn’t share a bed, and he needed to find somewhere else to go. But something inside of him urged him to fight for Chester, to push it a little more so there would be no regret of not trying. “Why wouldn’t we work out?” he asked, not looking up. “I always figured we’d make a good couple.” 

“I think we would at first,” Chester answered, and he watched as Ryan looked up to meet him. “There would be so many pluses to dating you,” he said, reaching to put his hand lightly on Ryan’s closeby leg. “The sex would be amazing, and we’d always be up on the latest video games and we’d have so many clothes between the two of us. We’d go in debt from all the shopping.” He smiled, and Ryan reflected it.

“That sounds amazing, Chazzy,” he said, covering Chester’s hand with his own, but his smile faded. “So why isn’t that happening?” he asked with a swallow that hurt. He would have sworn Chester’s hand was trembling. Or maybe that was his own hand. 

“Well,” Chester said slowly, his focus drifting back down to their hands resting on Ryan’s leg, “because I think that’s all it would be. You know how we’ve talked about how you and me are so much alike and how Jay and Mike are so much alike?” He watched as Ryan nodded. “Well, I think that’s part of why we’d be a good couple for awhile, but it wouldn’t go anywhere. We’re friends,” he restated, motioning between them with his other hand. “And I think you and me could pull off being friends with benefits really easy, but actually being a couple, I don’t think it would be the same. Right now we enjoy each other’s company, but there’s so much more to being boyfriends...pushing each other to grow, and exploring new things, and planning things out and working towards goals and supporting each other’s interests.” He took a deep breath as he turned his hand over so he could hold Ryan’s properly. “I’m not sure that would happen with us, Ry. I love the way we are, and I don’t see that changing if we were together, and we’d just be, you know, stagnant.” 

Ryan dropped his head a little. It was rejection, a polite no thank you in the softest way he knew Chester could say it. “Or maybe it would be a lot of fun,” Ryan offered instead looking up. “I think we could challenge each other and set goals and all those things.” His eyes roamed over Chester’s face, looking for answers. All the niceties just weren’t enough. He needed something more than _it might not work out_, not when everything lined up so well for them. Not when they enjoyed each other’s company as much as they did. “And your inner kittens,” he added. “We make sense, Chazzy.”

Chester let out a long sigh, his head shaking back and forth slowly. “We do make sense,” he admitted. “But I don’t think I can do it. We were part of the reason, Ry. A big fucking part of the reason things went so wrong with Mike. And Jay,” he added, looking over to catch the look on Ryan’s face. “We were so close and crossed so many lines and -”

“We never cheated, Chaz, they’re the ones who cheated,” Ryan interrupted quickly. He didn’t like where this was going, and he could feel the door shutting on what he wanted between them, he just wasn’t sure how to stop it. “And, you know, fuck them. Let them have each other and we can make a real go at being together.” 

Chester pulled his piercing in, sucking on it. There was a part of him that had considered that, that wanted that, but it wasn’t big enough or loud enough to take that step, not after how things had happened. “I can’t,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, Ry. I just...can’t.” He wiped a hand across the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry,” he apologized again, his stomach feeling a little uneasy. “I still love him. I still love Mike, and I know it’s stupid that I do, but I do and I think it would eat me up inside if you and I got together now, knowing that our closeness and how I never took Mike’s feelings about that into consideration was a huge part of why things fell apart. I love us being close,” he said, making sure that Ryan knew that hadn’t changed. “But I can’t be more than that right now.” 

It was clear in that moment that things between them were never going to happen, not the way Ryan had hoped for. It was a hard thing to accept, and one he knew would take some time. He had loved Jason - and had been ready to share a life with him - but there had always been a special place in his heart reserved for Chester Bennington, a place that it seemed would stay locked away for now. Chester wasn’t ready, and Ryan knew that until his friend was completely over Mike Shinoda, he would never be ready, and that wasn’t really a place Ryan wanted to walk into. He was ready to be first, not play second to the ghost of Mike Shinoda’s love and the relationship Chester was clearly still clinging to. 

Ryan slowly nodded his head. “I don’t want you to do anything with me you’d ever regret,” he said, his voice quiet with thought. He leaned over, plopping a kiss to Chester’s cheek. “And I love being your friend, and I’ll keep that title if that’s where you need me.” 

“It is,” Chester whispered. He turned his head, and kissed Ryan on the lips quickly. “I want us both to be happy, and being together like that after coming out of what we’ve just been through with them, it would sour it, and I don’t want that.” A shivered breath came out next as he ran a hand down the side of Ryan’s face and onto his dark scruffy chin. “You’re going to make someone a great boyfriend one day. Jay’s an idiot for giving you up.” 

Ryan closed his eyes under Chester’s touch. Thoughts of Jason Wakefield and the lies and betrayal that had happened were still a very sore spot, but he could easily agree that Jason was an idiot. “For someone so smart, he can be really dumb sometimes,” he stated as he opened his eyes and leaned away. “I’m sure he’s up in Seattle having a great time.” His stare went across the room as his heart ached a little. He really had wanted to go to Seattle to be with Jason, that glimmer of hope of a new start for them both had been the biggest punch of all when the truth finally came out. 

Chester shrugged. He didn’t want to mention he’d seen Mike yesterday or that Jason was still in L.A. He didn’t want to admit to the kissing that had happened, or that Mike had said that he still loved him. It would put Ryan on the defense, and neither of them needed that now. “I’m hungry,” Chester said instead, tugging on Ryan’s sleeve. “Want to help my broken ass up and we’ll go get something?” 

Ryan turned his attention back to Chester, an instant grin on his face. “God, yes.” He stood up and rounded the bed to help Chester to his feet, to be his missing crutches for him. If he couldn’t be the boyfriend, he wanted to make sure he was still the best friend. The person Chester could always talk to and rely on. The person Chester would turn to. _Maybe when he’s finally ready to let Mike go, maybe this conversation will go differently. When he’s ready. If he’s ever ready._

****

Amir pulled the last of the clean laundry from the dryer into the laundry basket and shut the door. Ever since Noah started spending more time at the apartment, his laundry seemed to have tripled. _I’m not doing Chaz’s, so I shouldn’t have three times as much laundry. Noah needs to calm the fuck down with the towels._ He grumbled to himself for a minute before an image of Noah’s face popped into his mind, and he felt his body relax a little. _Fine. I guess he can mess up all the towels he wants. Funny how he always disappears when it’s time to wash them, though._

He picked up the basket, ready to carry it upstairs to fold on the bed. As he walked by Chester’s room he peeked in to see him on the bed, occupied with something in his hands that Amir couldn’t quite see. _He makes a decent roommate. He spends more time in his room than anywhere else. I’m surprised Noah hasn’t gone in there and taken his blanket back. He probably doesn’t want to upset Chaz. It’s been a rough few weeks for him._ Amir climbed the stairs, looking out over the downstairs. Everything was tidy, the way he liked it, and if he didn’t know Chester was in the bedroom, it would be like it used to be. Completely empty, and he’d be alone. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he liked having someone else around, and he missed Noah when he was gone. 

Halfway through folding towels, Amir heard a knock at the front door, and his instinct was to call for Chester to get it. He was about to do that, and remembered the boot. _Damn. I can answer it faster from up here than he can._ “Chaz!” he hollered as he walked back over to the stairs quickly, “I’ll get it! Don’t get up!” 

“Okay!” Chester yelled from his place on his bed, and a sigh of relief followed. After going out to lunch with Ryan, he was ready to not move for awhile. His armpits were sore from the crutches, and trying to get up and down from the table at the restaurant hadn’t been the easiest thing. 

“You expecting someone?” Amir said as he crossed the living space. He heard Chester answer no, and he went through a list in his head of potential people that could be on the other side of the door. None of which he particularly wanted to see. He knew it wasn’t Noah - he had a key. _It better not be Mike again. I might have to say something this time. If he’s going to be with Jason, he needs to leave Chaz alone. Jason. What in the world is Mike thinking?_ He got to the front door and opened it, surprised to see one of his Carnal Delights co-workers on the other side. “Petey. What’s up, man?” Amir asked, looking over the green polo and black slacks the other man had on. Petey Sly was not on the list of people Amir thought he’d be opening the door for. 

“Hey,” Petey answered, a nervous hand going through his short pink dyed hair. “I hope it’s okay I’m here, I actually wanted to see if Chaz was home?” He tried to see around Amir into the apartment, but he couldn’t see Chester anywhere. 

“Chaz?” Amir repeated, noticing the box in Petey’s other hand. “Yeah, he’s here.” He stopped for a minute, his eyes narrowing as things started to click in his head. Petey had never been shy about his crush on Chester. “I don’t know if he’s up for company. He’s got a broken ankle. He was resting a few minutes ago.”

“A broken ankle?” Petey echoed, followed by a quiet. “Oh.” He waited, watching as Amir stayed put, standing between him and the inside of the apartment. “Well, is he okay? I’d really like to say hi. I brought him some chocolate.” He held the red heart shaped box up, complete with a gold bow. 

Amir let out a long sigh. “You can come in, but I’m going to go see if he even wants to see you, Petey. Your timing is super.” He didn’t even try to mask the irritation in his voice. Petey was an okay co-worker, but the thought of Chester dating this guy didn’t sit very well with Amir. _Ryan would have plenty to say about this, too._ He turned to march down the hallway to Chester’s room. “Lock the door behind you,” he instructed, not sparing another glance Petey’s way. 

Chester had heard voices, but Amir was the only one he’d recognized. He sat still, his head cocked to the side as he tried to listen, just as Amir popped into the doorway. “Hey, who’s here?” he asked.

“Your new bestie,” Amir answered sarcastically. “You up for company? Petey Sly wants to see how you’re surviving the single life.” He stepped into the room and offered his hand. “If you want to go out there, I’ll help. But if you want me to tell him to go, I totally support that, too.” 

Chester almost laughed. “Petey Sly is here? Oh, God,” he grumbled with an eye roll. “I’m not getting up. Lunch out with Ry was exhausting.” It took a few seconds of thought. He really had no interest in seeing anyone, unless it was one of his new roommates, or Ryan. Or Mike. Petey was definitely not on the list. But Chester’s shoulders slumped a little as he felt bad for turning someone away who bothered to come say hi. “He can come in here, just, you know, stay in earshot, will ya’?” 

“I’ll be on the couch,” Amir said, nodding his head sharply. “I’ll throw him out in a second, Chaz, you just say the word.” He turned and headed back out into the apartment. Petey was hesitating between the hallway and the kitchen, and Amir had to force himself not to roll his eyes. “He said you can go in, but keep it short, Petey. He’s tired.” Amir looked at his co-worker pointedly. “Next time you want to come by you should probably call or text first.” 

Petey nodded. “Okay, yeah, of course.” He immediately looked away from Amir’s scowl and towards the door to Chester’s room. He took a deep breath and headed that way, practicing what he wanted to say in his head. _A date. One date. He won’t say no. He’s single now...and who passes up free food? I’ll make sure he knows I’ll be paying._ He stopped just outside the room, looked down over himself and decided he looked good. “Chaz?” he called, stepping around the corner. 

Chester looked over just in time to see Petey standing in the doorway. It took Chester a minute to fully recognize him. Usually Petey Sly showed up in booty shorts or outrageously loud tight t-shirts, but he didn’t look like that at all now. “Hey, Petey,” Chester said with a short wave. “You can come in. Amir’s just out there,” he added quickly, pointing towards the door.

Petey turned around, looking back out toward the living area, and spotted Amir by couch, his arms crossed. “Yeah, he’s, he’s right there,” he said, nodding his head in the direction of the living room. He took a step in. “I didn’t know about your leg, what happened?” he asked, looking down Chester’s long slender leg to the boot that looked two times too big for him. 

“Accident while we were at a Pride parade last week,” Chester answered, not really wanting to give any more information than that. “So, did you come over to see Amir?” He knew that wasn’t true, but Petey wasn’t saying much and Chester really just wanted him to go. 

“No, actually I came to see you. I brought you these.” He held out the box of chocolates as he took the few steps to the bed. “And to see if you wanted to go out. Dinner,” he clarified as Chester took the box of candy and whispered a quick _thank you_. “We can go anywhere you want, my treat,” he said, pressing a hand to his chest. 

Getting asked out really wasn’t what Chester had been expecting. “Oh, well,” he stumbled. He didn’t want to be mean. “You know, I just got back from eating lunch with Ryan, and I’m pretty worn out now. So, thanks, but not tonight.” 

“That’s okay,” Petey said immediately. “If tonight’s no good, how about tomorrow night? Or Tuesday? Any day you want, Chaz.” He tugged at the collar of his shirt. It was really starting to feel warm in Chester’s room. “I heard about you and Mike and, well, I figured you’re probably lonely and…” He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to bring up Ryan’s name. 

“Petey, that’s sweet of you,” Chester said, setting the box of chocolates off to the side. “But I’m not ready to date anyone.” 

It was a hard blow, and Petey let out a short defeated sigh before he decided to try again. This wasn’t just anyone, this was Charlie Bang and Petey knew that before long he’d be ready to be back out in the dating world, and he wanted to be first in line. “So we won’t call it a date,” he suggested quickly and before Chester could say anything, he sat down on the edge of the bed, a smile wide across his face. “Just, let me take you out. You’re hurt,” he said, pointing toward Chester’s ankle. “And you’ve got a broken heart...I assume,” he said, waiting to see if Chester would agree with that statement. 

“I don’t want to get into it,” Chester said, shifting a little away from where Petey was sitting. He’d never been on a bed with him before, or even in the same room alone before, and it was awkward. His eyes flashed up and out the open door. Amir was out there if he needed him. 

“Okay, we won’t talk about _him_,” Petey corrected quickly. “But come on, one dinner. Free food, Chaz, anywhere you want to go on any night.” 

Chester went to reject him again, but stopped. Even though he could come on a little strong, Petey had never done anything to him, and now he was offering a night out. _Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Look at him, he’s going to be crushed if I say no._ Before he could talk himself out of it he said, “Yeah, okay. How about Friday night?” 

Petey reached over, his hand going to Chester’s arm with a light squeeze. “That’s great, Chaz, and I promise you’ll have fun.” He really wanted to lean over and try to kiss him, just on the cheek, but he stopped himself. “I’ll come over and pick you up. You decide where you want to go.” 

“Okay,” Chester said before letting out a giant yawn. “Well, I’m going to take a nap now, I’m tired.” He waited, hoping Petey would take the hint, and he was relieved when he did. 

“Yeah, get some sleep, and I’ll see you on Friday,” Petey practically cheered as he stood up. “Enjoy the chocolate!” He waved, and he grinned when Chester waved back, and then he stepped back out into the apartment, a little skip in his step. He had a date with the infamous Charlie Bang. The very single and available Charlie Bang. 

Amir watched Petey come from Chester’s room with a scowl. It wasn’t hard to overhear everything that had been said, and Amir knew Chester didn’t really want to go anywhere with Petey Sly. _Why did he say yes? Ridiculous. He’s got no business going anywhere with this guy._ “Well, you look happier. I guess you got what you came for.” He motioned toward the front door. He had every intention of following Petey into the hall and telling him exactly what he thought. 

Petey nodded as he stepped in front of Amir to get to the door. “I’m taking Chaz out to dinner later this week on a date. He said yes,” he made sure to add, just so there was no confusion. “So you’ll see me Friday, I’m picking him up.” He opened the front door and stepped out into the hallway before he turned around to tell Amir goodbye, but he took a step back when the other man followed him into the hall. 

Amir pulled the door shut so Chester wouldn’t hear a thing. “What’s wrong with you? Two weeks was all you could wait?” Amir scowled and pointed his finger right at Petey’s chest. “Chaz is too nice to you. I can tell you he doesn’t want to go anywhere right now.” 

Petey respected Amir as his co-worker, and even more since he was ex-YRS, but he wasn’t going to let Amir come between him and going out with Chester. “Well he said yes,” Petey told him again, “so we’re going out. He’s a big boy and he can make his own choices. And he _was_ really nice about it. I think he’s finally starting to realize that I could be a good choice for him.”

Amir couldn’t help it. He jabbed Petey right in the chest with his finger. “You’ll have me and Ryan to deal with if you fuck around with him,” he warned. “He doesn’t know what he wants right now and you’re taking advantage. I know how guys like you operate.” It didn’t matter that he had to see Petey at work, or potentially even have to work _with_ him. There was a bond between everyone that had been at YRS, and Amir wasn’t going to let some sleazy guy like Petey mess with Chester’s head. “If you think you’re going to take him somewhere nice and fuck him later, you’re wrong. Chaz isn’t like that.” 

Petey’s hands went up as he took a step back. He didn’t know Amir well, but this was the first time he’d seen so much emotion come out of him that wasn’t for the camera. “I didn’t say I was going to do that,” he defended, even though the thought had crossed his mind. Chester had been in his long term relationship with Mike for over two years, and Petey had to figure that now that he was free, he’d be ready for someone different. “I’m not sure why you’re jumping all over me about this, and...and what does Ryan have to do with it?” He looked around quickly. Amir was short, punchy, but short. And Chester was scrawny. But Ryan could wallop anyone, and Petey had no desire to get mixed up with him. “He’s not here, is he?” 

“No, not right now. But he’s protective of Chaz, so you make sure you treat him right.” Amir shook his head. “He’s not part of this world anymore, by choice. So don’t expect him to be.” He looked over Petey again and dismissed him. “Text before you come Friday,” he instructed as he turned to go back inside the apartment. He didn’t wait for Petey to open his mouth again. 

Amir was fuming as he made his way back to Chester’s room. _He’s out of porn. Everyone is. Petey doesn’t need to be dragging Chaz back to that mess._ He was the only one left, and Amir knew that it was only a matter of time before things with Noah got to the point that he’d be wanting out, too. But right now it was good money, and he briefly considered whether or not being a dick to Petey would be a problem at work. _Whatever. I wouldn’t have felt right about it if I hadn’t said something._ He poked his head in Chester’s room. “Chaz?”

Chester looked over at the door. He wasn’t totally shocked to see Amir standing there. “I know, I’m crazy,” he admitted before Amir could say it. “I don’t know what the hell happened. He was looking at me all sad and I’m tired and I told him no to tonight but then he asked about another night, and...just...ugh.” He threw his hands in the air with a frustrated grumble. “Just add it to my list of fuck ups lately.” 

Amir came in and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching for the red box of chocolates. “This is ridiculous,” he mumbled, turning it over. “I hate these boxes. It’s like, eighty percent nasty fruit creme filled garbage, fifteen percent chocolate and nut truffles, and five percent caramels. And everyone knows only the caramels are good.” He tossed it back on the bed with a huff. “You can always text him and call it off. It’s all really soon. The way you’ve been around here… and with Mike over yesterday… you don’t seem ready. At all.” 

Chester hung his head. He had no idea that Amir knew Mike had been over to see him. “If I text him to cancel, then he’ll have my number. I don’t really want that,” he mumbled. “And I don’t know what I’m doing. I miss Mike, and seeing him yesterday was…” he stopped and looked up, staring at the ceiling. “It was great. He kissed me,” he admitted before looking over at Amir. “We kissed. More than once.” 

“Yeah. Not ready,” Amir said flatly. “He kissed you? He came over here and kissed you? Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Mike decide to be Jason’s next plaything? He doesn’t need to be over here kissing you. I know you miss him, but that’s not helping anything.” Amir crossed his arms and looked at Chester, who looked miserable. 

“He did,” Chester whispered, and he hated that Amir was right. Mike had picked someone else. “You’re right, it doesn’t help. I’m going to lay down now,” he announced quietly as he scooted himself down, hissing at his ankle as he tried to get situated. “Thanks for hanging around while he was here, some of those guys can get pushy.” 

Long before Mike was around, Amir had watched the string of guys interested in Charlie Bang get a little handsy and pushy. Chester was a small guy, and he wasn’t Charlie Bang anymore, no matter what was in the past. “Yeah, it’s been a while since you had to deal with that,” Amir said, this time in a much softer tone. “You want a pillow under your foot?” He stood up, ready to reach for the extra pillow next to Chester.

“That would be great. Thanks,” Chester said, as Amir rounded the bed and carefully lifted his boot. “Ah, fuck,” Chester whimpred. “I hate this stupid thing. I want to be done with it. It makes me helpless.”

“I know.” Amir made sure Chester was comfortable before he crossed the room to leave. “You just tell me if you want me to call it off for you. I’ve got no problem doing that. Or keeping Mike out,” he added, looking back over at Chester. “Whatever you want, Chaz, I’ve got your back.” 

“You’re awesome, Amir. Really, you’ve been great to me. I really appreciate it.” Chester shut his eyes. “I’m just going to try and sleep. I feel like I’ve been through a marathon or something.”

“Okay. I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.” Amir shut the bedroom door and stood there for a second. He knew Mike had been there yesterday, but Noah hadn’t mentioned any kissing, and he hadn’t seen any either. _I don’t know what that is, but Mike can’t be playing that game. He’s either with Jason or he’s with Chaz. All that back and forth will have Chaz totally screwed up. Fucking Jason. I still can’t believe he ditched Ryan, after everything they went through. Both of them, Mike too, it’s so dumb. It’s never going to last._

With another huff he went back upstairs to finish his folding. Noah would be back soon, and he didn’t want to have laundry scattered all over the bed. _Who would have ever thought it would all turn out like this?_ He shook his head and decided after he finished the towels he’d give Ryan a call, give him the heads up on Petey Sly. _Just in case we have to go kick his ass._

****

Mike and Jason’s Sunday drifted from a little more packing in the morning, to a lazy afternoon in bed, to pizza and a movie before the sun went down. When Jason turned the shower off later that evening, he could hear Mike practicing. The sound of the keyboard drifted through the bathroom door and he smiled before he opened it up to listen. It would be something he’d miss in the two weeks they would be apart. _I love how dedicated and talented he is. He’s so artistic. That’s the one thing we didn’t do in Seattle, we didn’t pick out a piano. I’ll wait for him. That’s not the kind of thing I should try to surprise him with._

Jason wiped his towel over the foggy mirror and looked at himself. The thought of getting back in the gym crossed his mind, even though he wasn’t out of shape. He was just softer than he used to be, and it didn’t seem to bother Mike any. He knew he and Chester were completely different, but so were their roles to Mike sexually. It was easy for Mike to dominate Chester, but the two of them were more evenly matched. That was important to Jason, the idea of Mike being his equal, and so far it seemed to be going the way he planned. He didn’t trust Mike in bed yet, and he’d taken the power position away from his lover. _Once I know for sure he’s got control of himself, maybe we’ll be able to switch things up occasionally. I know he misses that. I can tell. But not yet. Maybe not ever._ The thought of Ryan and his tender but passionate lovemaking hit Jason as he pulled on a pair of pajama pants and ran his hand over his damp hair. _I’ve always been able to trust Ry. I know he’d never hurt me. But Mike… he never meant to hurt Chaz, but he did. I’m not going to be used again. I’m going to be in control._

Jason let himself think about Ryan for a few more minutes. He remembered their first time together, and how careful Ryan had been with him. They’d been hidden away in Ryan’s room late one night when Mark was passed out, and Jason had been terrified of being discovered. Despite the circumstances, Ryan had taken his time and worshipped Jason’s body, and he had willingly surrendered that night. _And every night after that… he was so good to me._ Jason felt his throat grow tight with emotion and he swallowed against it, forcing away the memories of Ryan’s gentle touches and kisses. He’d taken Mike and put him in Ryan’s place, decided that in the long run, Mike’s ability to conform to his world would be more valuable than the trust and respect he’d built with Ryan. _I decided to take Mark’s advice. I decided to count on him being right one more time._

He glanced over his finger combed hair and decided it was as good as it was going to get for the night. The rest of his plans for the evening only included reading in bed while Mike played the piano. He didn’t need good hair for that. 

He balled up his towel and tossed it into the hamper before he stepped out of the bathroom. Mike was holed up in his little corner under the stairs, lost in his musical universe, and Jason leaned against the bar in the kitchen, watching. He loved the way the muscles in Mike’s arms and shoulders moved when he played. He was sitting in just pajama pants, his t-shirt still across the back of the couch where he’d left it before he took his own shower. Jason could see the bottom of Mike’s hair starting to dry, and the way it curled slightly around his ears. The hairstyle was no longer new, but it still surprised Jason at times. 

He moved quietly around the kitchen, getting a plastic cup of water to take with him to read. Mike didn’t come out of his music for a moment, even when Jason crossed the apartment and got into bed, propping his pillow onto the headboard to read. It was a perfect vantage point to study Mike a little more as he worked, and Jason opened his book, even though he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to focus on it for long. His relationship with Mike had escalated quickly, and his new boyfriend was still an enigma Jason was trying to figure out. He wanted to know everything that made Mike Shinoda work. 

Jason could tell when Mike switched from technical exercises to repertoire. There was a shift from evenness, from every note sounding the exact same way, to something more beautiful, melodic and lyrical. He tilted his head and watched Mike move along the length of the keyboard with ease, his long fingers caressing the keys as he played. Jason had been around enough music to know that Mike was talented. He’d recognized that back at YRS, and it was one of the things he loved the most. 

Jason ticked off a checklist in his mind. Mike was passionate about things. He felt things deeply. He worked hard, and he knew what he wanted out of his life - topping the list was the acceptance of his parents, an education, a career. He fit perfectly into the round hole in Jason’s life that begged for someone classy, someone who could navigate societal circles with grace. Someone who loved art and music. He was everything Mark had been, but so much more even tempered, despite the control issues that could flare at times. _But that was with Chaz, not with me. He’s much calmer with me. And he could never be worse than Mark when he was angry. Nobody could be that bad._

Jason’s mind drifted to Mark for a minute. Mark, who was all business, all the time. Mark who appreciated art but was far from an artist. Mark who assembled Jason’s life, kept everything carefully in order, and did whatever he wanted when he wanted to. _Mike won’t be like that. Even if our lifestyle is resting on me right now, eventually it will be different. When he finishes school and he’s contributing. I’m so excited for him to get started. I’ll get to go to all of his recitals and performances, and everyone will know that he’s mine._ Jason felt the fond smile that formed as he thought about how Mike was his boyfriend now. _It’s so crazy how it turned out this way. All because of you, hon. I should probably thank you for that. I will, as long as it turns out the way you thought it would._

He looked down at the book he was holding and decided to stop pretending he was reading. There was no reason to do anything other than watch Mike and wait for him to be finished with his practicing. It was soothing to listen to, and Jason found himself drifting in and out of sleep while Mike played. He roused when Mike came to bed, his weight shifting the mattress as he lay down close to Jason, still in just his pajama pants.

“Are you sleeping?” Mike whispered, propped up on his elbow to see Jason’s face. He didn’t know how long he’d been playing, but he had a lot to work on, and Jason never complained.

“I was a little,” Jason admitted, turning on his side to face Mike. “I can’t help it. Listening to you is relaxing.”

“Relaxing or boring?” Mike teased, running his hand down Jason’s arm. “I know some of it’s probably tedious to listen to.”

“I know the difference.” Jason pointed to the keyboard. “The first stuff you always play is your warm-ups, then your technical exercises, then the music you’re using for your audition.” He smiled as Mike nodded his head. “I mean, the first part is kind of boring, but once you get to the repertoire, it’s amazing. I would never be able to do any of that.” 

Mike scooted down and rested his head on his pillow, shoving his arm up underneath it. “I’ve been playing piano for what feels like my whole life. It didn’t always sound like that.” He closed his eyes and thought back. There were years and years of practice that had gone into what he could do now. He still felt rusty sometimes. His routine had fallen off during the time he was at YRS, no matter how he tried to keep up with it. “You know I’ll be playing a lot, if I get accepted. Hours a day. And then there will be all the classwork, too. It’s going to be a lot.”

Jason reached over and moved the strand of hair that was falling into Mike’s worried eyes. “I know. I’ll be working a lot at first, too. Until I get the hang of the new job. So we’ll both be busy.” He inched over and rested his forehead against Mike’s. “I can’t believe I’m leaving this week. Already.”

“I know,” Mike said, looping his arm over Jason’s waist. “Just a few more days. We’ve got to get the packing finished. And don’t forget about your stuff in storage.”

“The movers will get that for us,” Jason interrupted, and he felt Mike nod a little. He closed the gap between them and kissed Mike softly. “I’ve gotten used to having you with me. I’ll miss you when I’m up there.” 

“I’ll miss you, too.” Mike reciprocated the quick kiss. “Maybe I won’t feel so guilty practicing while you’re gone, though.” They lapsed into silence, both of them with their eyes closed. The days were ticking down to leaving L.A., and for Mike, thoughts of Chester always followed close behind his thoughts of moving. It seemed surreal that in a few weeks he’d be hours away from Chester, the person he thought he’d be spending the rest of his life with for so long. 

“We’ll have a great night out before I go,” Jason finally whispered, his voice edgy with impending sleep. “You can pick. Anywhere you want to go.”

Mike thought about that for just a minute, then leaned his head back to see Jason, his eyes popping open as one place came to mind. “Anywhere?”

“Absolutely.”

“Oh, Jay, we have to go to Mel’s before you leave. I know it’s not really your kind of place, but they have the best bacon cheeseburgers.” Mike could feel his stomach wake up and take notice of the idea of going to Mel’s. 

Jason cracked open one eye. “If that’s what you want.” He kissed Mike one last time and rolled over, turning the lamp off before he settled back into the bed with Mike behind him. “I didn’t even ask. You ready to go to sleep?” 

Mike had his arm back around Jason, pulling him in close. They’d had a lazy day, and sometimes those were more tiring than being up and out. “Sure.” He kissed the back of Jason’s neck, and the memory of doing it to Chester every night washed over him in an almost painful tingle that stole his breath. Just when he thought he was doing better at putting yesterday out of his mind, boxing away the secret kisses he’d shared with Chester, there was another reminder. _I’ve got to stop fixating on him. We’re not together anymore, and we aren’t going to be. Maybe we mended some things yesterday, and maybe we can be friends, now that he doesn’t completely despise me. But I don’t think he would ever forgive me. I miss him. It’s different than how I’ll miss Jay when he’s gone. With Chester gone it’s like part of my heart is missing._

There was a part of Mike that was still holding on so tightly, and he knew he had to let that go. _I’m just not ready yet. I don’t want to leave, but maybe Jay’s right about that. Leaving will be good. Starting over, it will be good. It has to be good. After all of this, it would really be awful if it wasn’t._ He bit his bottom lip, moving it back and forth between his teeth as he fretted over what had happened between him and Chester yesterday before finally deciding that distance would have to be the answer. _If I’m going to do this right with Jason, I need space to do it. But if Ches texts me, that’s okay. I can answer. And I want to see him again before I go. But that’s all. It all has to stay here in L.A._

It was another night of worries over everything that was changing, another night of Mike holding Jason and envying the way it was so easy for the other man to fall asleep. _I’ll get up and get focused tomorrow. I’ve got a full day at work and then packing and practice. I’ll be fine. I’ll get it together. And maybe when Jay leaves, I can see Ches one more time this weekend. We can say our goodbyes and that will be good. Closure. We need closure._

Closure sounded like a good plan in Mike’s head as he drifted off to sleep.

****  
TBC


	30. Jealousy, An Old Friend

Jason sat back in the tall chair at the high table he was sharing with Mike at Mel’s and watched his boyfriend as he finished the last of his onion rings. It wasn’t the kind of place he would have chosen for their last night together in L.A. There was nothing quiet and intimate about the bar they were sitting in, and there wasn’t a wine list or an extensive list of delicate appetizers to go with them. But Mike seemed to be fine, having put away a huge bar pretzel with melted beer cheese dipping sauce, a bacon cheddar burger, and onion rings like he’d been starving for weeks. Jason couldn’t help but smile over his glass of iced tea. He was sure if they were at home Mike would be licking his fingers.

“What?” Mike asked when he looked up, catching Jason’s eye as he pushed his plate away a little. 

“You,” Jason said with amusement. “If people were watching us they would think I was starving you at home.”

Mike looked down at his plate. There wasn’t a crumb left on it, and he felt his cheeks flush a little. “I was hungry,” he whined a little, giving Jason his best puppy dog eyes. “Lunch was a long time ago.” He picked up his Sprite and took a long drink. It seemed like it had been forever since he’d had one. “You know what they have here that’s really good?” he asked, his eyes lighting up with excitement.

“It all seems pretty good,” Jason answered. “But what? You can have anything you want, sweetheart.” He reached over and laced his fingers through Mike’s on the table top, smiling at him indulgently.

“They have this brownie they make in a cast-iron skillet, and it comes out all hot from the oven, with vanilla ice cream and fudge and caramel sauce, and it’s _sooooo_ good.” Mike squeezed Jason’s hand. “In other words, I think we should have dessert.”

Jason laughed. “I don’t think I can eat another bite. But if you want this skillet brownie, you can have one.” He looked around to see if he could spy their waitress, but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. “As soon as the waitress gets back, it’s all yours.” 

Mike smiled in excitement. “You can have a taste,” he offered generously before he leaned closer to Jason. “I know this wasn’t what you had in mind tonight, but I was craving a burger. We can always open a bottle of wine when we get home for our last night.” Even though the bar was a favorite of his, Jason had seemed a little out of his element the whole time they had been there. _It’s just loud. I’m sure he wanted to talk, and it’s hard to talk in here._ “We can talk when we get home, on the couch, right?”

“Of course,” Jason assured him. “It’s going to be so hard to go tomorrow and leave you here. I want every second I can get tonight. I might not let you go to sleep.” He raised one eyebrow at Mike and laughed. 

“I can sleep when you’re gone,” Mike responded, catching sight of their waitress. “Look, here she comes.” 

On the other side of the restaurant, Chester followed the hostess, his pace slow as he moved with his set of black crutches, the tops tucked under his armpits. Petey Sly was right behind him as they weaved around the tables until they finally stopped at one by the windows, the shades pulled. 

“Will this work for you?” the hostess asked, motioning the menus in her hands toward the taller stone table. 

“It’s fine, thank you,” Chester was first to say as he scooted himself around to stand beside one of the two chairs. He watched as Petey thanked her as well, and after she’d sat their menus down and told them their waitress would be around in a minute to see what they’d like to drink, she left them. 

“This is a nice place,” Petey commented as he looked around the sports bar/grill combo. There were televisions mounted in the corners, all of them with baseball or basketball games playing, but the sound was turned off. He pulled his lightweight jacket off, and slung it over the back of his chair before patting down the front of his deep blue dress shirt. He was ready to sit down, ready to get situated and enjoy his first date with Chester, but he stopped the moment he noticed the other man struggling. “Oh, Chaz, let me help.” 

“I got it,” Chester protested, as he tried to lift himself onto the higher stool, and balance his crutches and stay off his boot, but he was utterly failing. 

“I don’t think you do,” Petey said, and before Chester could protest anymore, he was at his side. He leaned the crutches against the back side of the table, where neither of them were sitting. “Let me,” Petey whispered as he wrapped an arm around Chester’s slender waist, and without too much trouble, he lifted him up. “You got it?” he asked, as Chester grabbed at the stone table. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Chester mumbled, and he let out a sigh of relief when Petey let him go and retook his seat across the table. “I’m really ready to get this boot off. It just makes everything hard.” 

“I’m sure. I saw some steps at Amir’s, do you have to go up them?” Petey asked, picking up his menu, already looking for the beer list. He wanted a drink, and he was hoping Chester would have one with him. They didn’t know each other very well and alcohol would loosen Chester up so they could talk more openly. Or at least that’s what Petey was hoping for. More conversation and a more relaxed feel between them. 

Mike had just happily ordered his skillet brownie and was ready to continue his conversation with Jason about where their night was headed when the waitress stepped away from the table, and the view of Chester with some guy he couldn’t quite place opened up in front of him. He watched as the pink haired guy lifted Chester on to the tall seat, and a swift jolt of possessive energy flowed through him. _Is he already on a date? With somebody we don’t even know! He looks awful, that pink hair. I don’t like how he’s looking at Ches already._ Mike didn’t even realize he was staring until Jason’s voice cut into his thoughts. He turned his head back to his boyfriend. “What? I’m sorry, Jay, I didn’t hear you.”

Jason looked in the direction Mike had just been staring, scanning over the bar patrons to see what had captured his attention so completely. As soon as he saw Chester, seated with someone who looked an awful lot from this angle like Petey Sly from Carnal Delights, Jason knew where Mike’s head had gone. “I was asking you if you wanted to watch a movie when we got home, but I see your attention is on Chester and his date.” 

“Date?” Mike echoed, looking back over at Chester quickly. “Do you really think he’s on a date with that guy? He looks kind of familiar. Maybe it’s someone from work,” he supplied quickly, hoping that Jason was wrong.

“I’m pretty sure that’s Petey Sly,” Jason said, craning his neck to get a better view. “He was at Amir’s party. From Carnal Delights,” he whispered close to Mike’s ear. 

It was all Mike could do not to let his mouth fall open in surprise. “I remember that guy. He was awful. Why, why would Ches be out with him?” Mike shook his head, as if that would make the image disappear. “I saw him pick Ches up. His ankle is broken, see? Like I told you.” Mike couldn’t take his eyes away from Chester as he disappeared behind the menu. He knew what Chester was going to order. _Bacon cheeseburger with fries and ketchup. Extra ketchup. They better bring the whole bottle to the table._

“So what’s good here?” Petey asked, one eye on the menu, his other watching Chester as best he could. 

“I love their cheeseburgers,” Chester answered, setting his menu down. “Bacon cheeseburger, actually, and endless fries and ketchup.” He licked his lips, his tongue sliding over his piercing, but he ducked his eyes when he saw Petey watching him so closely. He picked up his vanilla coke the waitress had brought. “They have a good club sandwich, too. Or the chicken strips.” 

“I’ll take a burger,” Petey decided, resting his hand on top of the menu. “You look good, Chaz, if I haven’t told you. That color really suits you.” He pointed at Chester’s dress shirt before his eyes traveled down Chester’s arm, all along his tattoos and landed on the dainty looking rose gold bracelet hanging from his flame-wrapped wrist. He’d seen it on Chester before, both at the skating rink, and again at Amir’s earlier in the week. He thought about asking what it was, but the suddenly amused sound in Chester’s voice stole his attention first.

“It’s black.” Chester laughed as he pointed to his shirt, and for the first time since Petey had shown up at Amir’s, Chester smiled. “Black goes with everything. It’s an essential color in every collection.”

“See?” Petey said with a wave of his hand, “this is why you’re the model. You know all the fashion stuff. I’m sure you could teach me a lot about my clothes.” 

Jason looked over, but he couldn’t see Chester’s broken ankle. He _did_ see Chester’s laugh, though, and it was clear from the look on Mike’s face that he did, too. “So weird you both ended up here on the same night,” he thought out loud. _I wonder how many times they’ve eaten here together._

Mike pulled his eyes away from Chester and looked at Jason. “I guess we were both craving cheeseburgers.” He looked down at the tabletop, a wave of nostalgia crashing over him. _I loved those nights, when Ches was too tired to cook and he’d say, ‘hey, Sexy Boy, you wanna go down to Mel’s and grab a burger?’ And then he’d eat his weight in ketchup and I’d get my brownie and we’d be so stuffed we practically had to roll each other out of here._

Jason’s eyes squinted in thought. He wanted to take the conversation away from Chester, anything to get Mike’s mind back in the space it had been in before he spotted his ex-boyfriend. “Well, your brownie should be here soon,” he pointed out. “I can’t wait to try a bite,” he added, smiling as Mike looked up at him.

“Yeah.” Mike looked at Jason for a second, but then his eyes were right back on Chester. _Look at that guy. I bet he’s full of cheesy lines and he’s probably already told Ches how sexy he is or something. I wish I could go rescue him._ He frowned as that thought came through his mind. _But… he doesn’t look like he wants to be rescued._

“Come on, Chaz, get a beer with me,” Petey whined before the waitress walked away with their food orders. 

“I guess,” Chester gave in. He didn’t need to look at the menu. He rambled off his favorite dark lager and then nodded toward Petey. “Your turn.” 

“I’ll have the same,” Petey stated, and then the waitress was gone, and his attention was right back on Chester. It was the most time he’d ever spent in the other man’s company, and aside from the short minute or two he’d spent sitting next to Chester on the bed a few days back, it was the closest he’d ever been to him in person. He wanted to keep Chester’s attention, in hopes that there might be more activities after dinner. Maybe a date two. Or three. “So are you still working, even with the broken ankle?” 

“No,” Chester said, leaning forward a little so they could hear each other. “I mean, I can if they need anything above my waist, but I got hurt on the job, so Forrest is making sure I’m not starving.” He saw the confused look on Petey’s face, and he remembered he wasn’t talking to a friend. _Fuck. I am rusty at this. So used to only being around people I know._ “Forrest Mullan,” he clarified. “He’s the owner of Score Clothing. My boss.” 

“Oh, right,” Petey said with a head nod. “That sounds familiar.” He thought about asking about Ryan, and where he was fitting into Chester’s life these days, but he wasn’t really sure he wanted to know. He debated asking about YRS and if Chester missed it, but that also seemed like a subject he wasn’t sure he should get into. “So do you like living with Amir?” he asked instead. 

“It’s okay,” Chester said easily. “He’s really been nice to me, even though we’ve never been close. He was always closer with Ryan than with me.” 

“Ryan,” Petey repeated with a quick decision just to ask. “So you and him didn’t get together, huh? I mean, we all just kind of figured, you know.” He motioned between himself and Chester for reasons he wasn’t sure of. “When I heard you and Mike split, it just seemed like you two would end up together. You kind of were anyway.” 

Chester sat back in his seat, his eyes narrowing. “No,” he insisted. “That’s bullshit, whoever told you that rumor, Petey. Ryan and I are friends. _Just_ friends,” he insisted, pounding his finger into the stone table. “Close friends, I’ll give you that, but I love Mike. Or, I mean, well…” He stopped, looking down, his heart suddenly hurting. “Loved, I guess,” he amended for the sake of not having to get any further into it. 

Just as Chester was making what looked like a very emphatic point, the waitress came to the table with Mike’s brownie. He leaned forward a little so he could still see Chester as she asked if there was anything else they needed, and before he remembered to say anything, he heard Jason tell her that they were fine. _Now he looks upset. They don’t even have food yet. Maybe I should go over there and say something. I could ask Ches if he wants to go, I can get him an Uber or something. There’s no room in the Jag for the three of us._ He looked down at his dessert, then at Jason. “Oh. Are you going to try it?”

Jason folded his arms on the table. “Are you just realizing it’s there? Why are you so preoccupied with Chester? He’s obviously on a date, Mike. So are you,” he reminded him pointedly. “Remember? The last night I’m in L.A.? Are we going to go home and have wine or are you going to be fretting over Chester all night?” There was a trace of bitterness in his voice and Jason pressed his lips together for a second before he tried again, his tone gentler. “Mikey, don’t let it ruin our evening. You’ve been watching them the whole time they’ve been in here. Leave it alone.” _I’d be the same with Ry,_ he suddenly realized, watching as Mike’s forehead creased in worry. _If he was out with someone else I’d be watching him, too. Wondering if the other guy was being good to him._

“He looks miserable,” Mike stated, stabbing his spoon into his brownie. The ice cream was already a soupy mess on top, but he knew it would still taste good. “I don’t understand it. Why would he go out with Petey Sly? He’s a porn star, for god’s sake.” 

The declaration that Petey Sly was a porn star was just too much. Jason shook his head, a laugh bubbling up at how ridiculous Mike sounded. “And so is Chaz,” he pointed out, trying not to be an ass about it. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. You aren’t carrying around the baggage of having slept with a ton of people. How do you tell someone that? That you used to be a porn star? Porn stars date porn stars. No explanations needed.” Jason picked up the second spoon and reached to scoop up a bite of Mike’s dessert. His eyes caught a flash of rose gold as the light overhead caught the jewelry peeking out of Mike’s flannel shirt. He didn’t really taste the dessert as a sudden bitterness hit him. _He’s still wearing that bracelet. Does he really think I haven’t noticed? I’ve got to get him to take it off. Somehow._ He swallowed and put down his spoon. All he wanted to do was get the subject off of Mike’s ex. _His ex. Things with Chester are over._ “Anyway, it’s not about Chaz. This night is supposed to be about us.”

Mike watched Jason taste his brownie and tried to process what he’d just said. _He’s right. I don’t have to worry about that. I was only with Ches. And all of my stuff is gone, anyway. Not that it matters, I’m not out dating. I never asked Ches and I don’t want to know how many people he’s had sex with. Would most people want to know? Is that a thing? Is that why Jason isn’t surprised? I guess if you’re dating someone in the business, it’s an unspoken thing. Like everything at YRS. You know, but nobody talks about it._ He looked down at his brownie. His appetite was gone. _Ches wouldn’t have to do that if we were together. He’d never have anyone judge him for that again. I don’t want him to have to date porn stars._ “Yeah,” he said slowly. “I’m sorry. It _is_ supposed to be about us.” Even as he said the words, his eyes drifted back over to Chester. 

“God, it feels like forever since I’ve had a beer,” Chester said, after a large gulp from his bottle. “It’s fucking good.” 

“Yeah, it _is_ fucking good,” Petey agreed, sipping his right after. “And the food looks amazing, too.” He looked from his plate to Chester’s, and he smiled at the way Chester was pouring gobs of ketchup all over his french fries. “You want some french fries with that ketchup?” he teased lightly and tossing Chester his best grin.

“I love ketchup,” Chester said, before he set the bottle back down. He picked up a drippy fry and chomped it down quickly. “It’s an addiction. I should probably be in some kind of twelve step program for it.” 

Petey busted into laughter, almost spitting out his bite of food. “You should,” he agreed. “Ketchup Addicts Anonymous.”

Chester smiled lightly. “So what about your work?” he asked, attempting to make conversation. Sitting and eating with Petey Sly was proving to be okay, at least for the moment, and Chester had to admit to himself that it was nice to be out with someone new. Someone who didn’t know everything about him or his past, someone who looked at him like he was interesting. Like he was sexy. Like he was worth something.

Jason put his spoon on the side of Mike’s plate. “Why don’t you finish up and we’ll head out? I can hear the wine calling my name, and it will do you good to get out of here. You can’t be worrying about Chaz all the time. He’s not yours to worry over.” The second Jason stopped talking and Mike’s eyes came back to him he knew he’d overstepped the line. 

“We’ve already talked about this, Jay.” Mike’s words were clipped. He set down his spoon and sat back in his chair. “Do you think I just don’t care about him anymore? He was my entire life, Jason. Everything to me. That doesn’t just go away. I don’t know if it ever will.” He was angry. At the situation he was in, at Jason, at Chester for being out on a date already, like what they had didn’t really matter. _Not that any of that is fair. I cheated. I threw it all away. Of course he’s out with someone else. He’s not going to stay single._ Mike felt his throat growing tight with emotion and he didn’t want to cry in the bar. “I’ll meet you outside,” he forced out, pushing away from the table and stepping down from the tall barstool. 

Mike made himself walk out the door without looking back at Chester, even though he wanted to see if he was okay. He wanted to go get him and take him away from Petey Sly, who was in their bar, taking Chester out to their favorite burger place. He could feel the hot sting of tears and cursed himself. _You are not going to stand here and cry, Mike Shinoda. You did this to yourself. Jay’s right, even if he could stand to be nicer about it._ He huffed out a breath and walked back and forth on the sidewalk in front of the bar. 

Jason watched Mike walk out the door and felt his heart beating fast. _I can’t believe he got up and walked away from me._ He shot a look over to Chester, who looked perfectly fine with Petey Sly, and sighed. _I knew he was going to need time. But I think I underestimated them._ The waitress didn’t look concerned that Mike was gone as Jason paid the check and threw one last look at Chester. _I don’t have all of Mike’s heart yet. Chester still has some. A lot more than I thought._

He found Mike pacing next to the Jaguar. Jason didn’t say anything as he unlocked the car and opened Mike’s door for him, and Mike didn’t make eye contact as he sat down. They were well on their way back to the loft before Jason said, “I didn’t mean to upset you, Mike. I’m sorry that I did.” He kept his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel as he waited for Mike to say something. He heard Mike sigh, long and slow.

“You did,” Mike confirmed. “And I’m sorry I freaked over Chester being out with someone else. I know it shouldn’t surprise me. I just can’t believe he’s moved on so soon.” He was looking out the passenger window and didn’t see Jason press his hand over his heart.

“You say that like maybe you don’t want him to move on,” Jason said softly, his heart hurting. 

“I used to think that I knew what I wanted,” Mike answered. “I don’t know why I’m so conflicted, Jason. I know I should have had my mind made up way before right now.” He leaned his head on the window and closed his eyes. He waited for Jason to say something, but nothing came. He stared out the window blindly until they were home, and Mike followed Jason silently to the elevator and then to the apartment, their footsteps echoing hollowly in the hallway.

Jason unlocked the door and held it open for Mike. He’d been trying to work out what to say the whole ride home. _I know he misses Chaz. I miss Ry, too. But we’re too far into this now. Would Chaz take him back? Would he go? There’s no going back, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter if he still loves Chaz. He’s with me now. Eventually it won’t hurt anymore. I won’t hurt anymore either. We’re doing the right thing. We have to be._

“I know that you’re still in love with Chaz,” Jason said the moment he shut and locked the front door. The apartment was still and quiet, barren. Everything boxed up had been loaded onto the moving truck that afternoon, and the movers had already started their journey to take his things and Mike’s to Seattle. Jason’s drive would start early in the morning, before six am, and he didn’t want to waste time arguing on his last night in L.A. He tossed his keys on the bar and stopped, watching Mike cross the loft and plop down on the couch. Without asking he opened the wine that was waiting for them on the counter, pouring a glass for each of them and taking them both to where Mike was sitting. “I hate that you’re so miserable,” he said, handing off a glass to Mike before he sat down.

“I’m not miserable,” Mike contradicted quietly. “But you’re right. I still love him. I knew it before we ever slept together, Jason. I knew I loved him, and I knew I was falling for you. I didn’t do the right thing by either one of you.” He swirled his glass and watched it intently, avoiding Jason’s eyes. 

There were a few moments of silence before Jason asked, “so now what, Mikey?” his voice trembling a little. “Everything is on its way to Seattle. We’ve got a whole life set up and ready to live there. The only thing that will be missing after tomorrow is you, sweetheart. You’re the only one who fits in that space for me. Are you still going to come?” _I let Ry go. You can’t leave me, Mike. You can’t!_

Mike sighed and sipped his wine. “Of course I’m going to come. Everything we have planned, it’s what I want. It fits. It’s right.” He stopped and his mind instantly continued, _this just isn’t the way I thought it would go. I never pictured you in Chester’s place._ Mike took a deep breath and tried to keep his mind on the task of telling Jason he still loved Chester, not admitting that he felt stuck with his choices, stuck trying to make the best of Jason being the person to give him all the things he wanted. “But my heart is still holding on to Chester, and I need you to understand that. I don’t think I’ll ever let him go completely. He was my first love, Jay. My _first._ Don’t you remember your first love?” He looked curiously at Jason over the top of his wine glass.

_My first love and my first are not the same._ Jason wasn’t bitter about it, that’s just how life had worked for him. Love didn’t come until later. Love didn’t come until Mark came into his life and rescued him. He knew there was a part of him that would always love Mark, so Mike’s rationale made sense, even if he wished it could be different. He wanted Mike’s heart the way Chester had possessed it - maybe still did - and Jason didn’t know if that would ever be possible. “I remember my first love,” Jason finally said after drinking from his glass several times. “All I want to know is how much of your heart is Chaz going to keep?” He felt his heart pinch at the look on Mike’s face. _I could tell him that Ry still has part of my heart, too, that it’s okay. That we can love them still and love each other, too. But if I tell him I love him now, it will sound desperate. Insincere. But I do. I think I do. And I want his love back._

“I don’t know,” Mike answered honestly, and they both continued to drink their wine quietly while they each thought about that. Mike was wondering if he’d ever stop loving Chester, and Jason was wondering if distance would do the trick. Neither of them voiced those thoughts aloud, and when the first round of wine was gone, Jason poured a second, sitting back down close to Mike. He focused all of his energy on Mike. Chester and Ryan couldn’t come between them, not now. The only thing he knew to do was to remind Mike how desirable Jason found him. How he was everything Jason wanted in a partner. How they would be perfect together. It was all he had. 

“Do you know how gorgeous you are with wine on your lips?” he murmured after they’d made it through another half of a glass. “You have the most incredible lips.” Jason reached over and touched Mike’s bottom lip with his finger tip. “I used to watch you through the camera,” he admitted, “really watch you. You were never like the others. Everybody else, it was just a job. But you… when you were with Chester, it was real. Even when it was scripted, what was between you two was real. And you were so beautiful.” Jason turned Mike’s chin toward him and took his lips in a slow kiss that tasted of red wine and desire. Their tongues danced together for a moment until Jason drew away, licking the taste from Mike’s bottom lip. “All I want is for it to be real between us, too. Even if part of you loves Chaz, that’s okay, sweetheart, as long as part of you loves me, too.” 

Mike’s eyes were closed, his body warm and light from the wine. “Can I be in love with both of you? Does it work like that?” he asked, his voice breathy as Jason kissed down the side of his neck. It didn’t seem like love was supposed to work that way. It wasn’t how he was raised. But his heart right now was pulled in two directions, and Mike thought it was possible when he never had before. _But me and Jay, it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel the way it felt with Ches._

“I think you can,” Jason whispered. “We’re both part of your story. But Chaz is in your past, sweetheart. You can love him, but he’s in the past now.” 

With a sigh, Mike leaned his head back on the couch. _In the past. I know that’s where he’s supposed to be, but I’m not there yet. He’s still very present to me._ He wanted the images of Chester on his date to go away, but he kept coming back to them, wondering if Chester had a good time, if he’d gotten dessert and thought of Mike, if he’d ended up going home with Petey Sly. The thought made Mike’s stomach lurch and he sat up and looked at Jason with determined focus. _I can’t think about Ches anymore. If he’s moved on, it’s because I made him do it. Jay’s right. He’s in the past now. I put him there._

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he said firmly, tipping up his glass and finishing off his wine at once. “I don’t want to ruin our evening more than I have. We’ve only got a few more hours together.” 

With a nod, Jason leaned over and set his wine glass down on the coffee table, then took Mike’s for him and did the same. “You’re upset, sweetheart. Let me take your mind off of him. Come on, let’s go to bed.” He offered Mike all he had left - physical distraction - turning to run his fingers up Mike’s neck and into his hair. “Let’s make this last night memorable.” 

There was a painful tug at his heart that Mike ignored, forced away as Jason pulled him up and looped his arms around Mike’s neck. _I want to forget. I want to get lost in this moment with you. Make me forget, Jay._ He closed his eyes before Jason’s lips even found his, and concentrated on trying to feel something from Jason. Something that felt like love. Something that felt even a little like what he craved every time they crawled into the bed in the corner together. All Mike wanted was something that made the emptiness in his heart hurt less. He desperately hoped maybe tonight would be different.

****

Morning came earlier than Mike wanted it to. It was still dark outside when he rolled over to watch Jason sliding into his jeans and a t-shirt for the long drive up the coast. The night before they had fallen asleep after sex that felt empty to Mike’s soul. He’d almost felt unattached to the physical act, going through the motions of someone else, and Jason hadn’t seemed to notice. Even though it was early, Jason was energized and ready to go, and either unaware or unconcerned that Mike had been distant the night before. 

Mike watched him with a sinking feeling in his stomach. _It’s all getting real. He’s leaving, which means I’m leaving soon, too. All of this will be in the past. Not just Ches._ Jason’s words from the night before came flowing, and along with it, more thoughts of his ex-boyfriend. 

He couldn’t stop the thoughts of Chester from coming. _I wonder if he made it home okay last night. I want to call. Maybe I’ll just go over there and check on him. If I call he might not answer._ Mike watched Jason go to the bathroom and fix his hair, then get a glass of water before he came back and sat on the edge of the bed. He snaked his hand out from under the blanket to pat Jason’s thigh. “You ready to go?” he asked quietly, looking up at his boyfriend in the dim light of the lamp next to the bed.

“I think so,” Jason said, reaching out to brush Mike’s hair from his forehead. “I’ll check on you in a little while, I figured you’d go back to sleep.” He smiled at Mike’s sleepy eyes and expression. “You’re not much for getting up before sunrise.”

“Nuh-uh,” Mike confirmed, snuggling his head into the pillow. “Be careful driving, okay? And I want you to Facetime me when you get to the house. I can’t wait to see it again.” He offered Jason a partial smile and squeezed his fingers into his leg. 

“I’ll miss you,” Jason whispered, leaning over to kiss Mike’s face. “I’ll make good use of the time, though. I’ll have everything all ready for you when you get there.” He left a last lingering kiss on Mike’s lips before he stood up. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart. I’ll call you later.”

Mike looked up and nodded. “Be safe.” He watched Jason flick off the lamp and then the loft had just barely enough light from the windows for him to watch his boyfriend cross the room. It was on the tip of his tongue to call out _I love you_ but he didn’t. He didn’t feel anything after last night.

He heard the click of the front door behind Jason, and Mike rolled over to face the wall, squeezing his eyes shut. There was every intention of going back to sleep, but Mike couldn’t seem to get comfortable. The conversation about love he’d had with Jason last night rolled around in his thoughts. _He said he wanted me to love him. I think I love him. Even if we haven’t said it yet. Maybe he’s waiting for me to really leave Chester in the past, to be ‘over him’. Like it’s that easy. Jay said I didn’t have to be over Ches. I just have to love him, too. And I do. So there’s nothing wrong with me going to check on Chester this morning. I just want to see if he’s okay._

Mike rolled over and stared up at the ceiling, high above. If he was honest with himself, he was painfully jealous and he really wanted to go over there and see if Chester was already over him. _It hasn’t even been that long._ The thought that Chester could be so easily over their love gripped painfully at Mike’s heart. _I’m not over it. And this was all my choice. How could he be over it so quickly?_ He kept talking himself in circles before he finally got out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

A quick shower was in order, then he was going to see Chester. Mike needed to know. The more he tried to calm himself down, the more upset he was getting about the whole thing. Jason was gone, Chester was gone, and Mike wanted more than anything to see his ex-boyfriend right then, in that moment. As selfish as it was, he wanted to look into Chester’s eyes and remind him of what they had. _I haven’t moved on. I mean, I guess I did, but I told Ches I was still in love with him. And I meant that. Maybe I always will. I don’t know what that means!_

There was a lot of internal conflict as Mike finished his shower and threw on the first t-shirt and pair of jeans he came across in the piles of his clothing that Jason had moved downstairs for him. It didn’t matter what he looked like. He just wanted to talk. He wanted to look at Chester and maybe hold his hand, and try to talk about things. He tried not to think about the last time he’d gone over to Amir’s, and how Chester had kissed him back and it had felt so good, and so right. He pushed thoughts of being with Jason last night to the side and tried to justify what he was doing to himself. It was a debate clear up until he was standing outside Amir’s door, ready to knock.

For the first time that morning, Mike had second thoughts about his overwhelming desire to see Chester this morning. It wasn’t even eight o’clock, and it really wasn’t any of his business. Chester was free to date whoever he wanted. _Just not Petey Sly. Or anyone from Carnal Delights. No porn stars. He’s better than that. He shouldn’t limit himself._ He stared at the doormat for another minute until he finally knocked. It wasn’t terribly early, but it was still too early to show up at someone’s door unannounced. He shifted back and forth on his feet while he waited to see if someone would come to the door. He hoped it would be Chester. _God, I hope he’s here. What if he went home with that guy?_ It was a thought that hadn’t occurred to Mike until that moment. 

Inside the apartment, Noah came running down the stairs, trying to get to the door before they knocked again. He pulled on his t-shirt as he went, and smoothed it out just in time to grab the doorknob, unlocking it first and peeking out into the hall. “Oh, Mike,” he said, his voice at a whisper. It was early, and Amir had sent him downstairs to send away whoever was showing up before he was ready to have people in his house. But this was Mike, and Noah wasn’t sure if he should send him away or not, since he knew he wasn’t here to see Amir. “What’s up?” he asked, keeping the door only halfway open.

It was only a brief moral debate between Mike greeting Noah and deciding to say, “Chester texted me, he’s expecting me. I guess you just got to the door quicker.” He hoped fervently that Chester was home, and not staying at Petey Sly’s. _He has to be here. There’s no way he’d stay there on the first date. Ugh. I hope that was the first date!_ He gave Noah his best smile. “So, you should let me in before we wake up the whole world standing here.” 

“Oh, he did?” Noah asked, turning around to look toward Chester’s room. “Huh, I didn’t even know he was up yet. Okay.” He stepped back, opening the door and motioning for Mike to come in. “You know where he is. We’re upstairs,” he said, pointing toward the ceiling before he shut and locked the door. “Just try and keep it down,” he hissed lightly before heading back towards the stairs.

Mike nodded. “Thanks,” he whispered, his pulse racing. He hated lying, but Noah didn’t look like he would have let him in any other way. He waited until Noah was halfway up the stairs before he opened the door to Chester’s room, like he had every right to do so. It didn’t occur to him that he could be walking in to Petey Sly in Chester’s bed. 

There was enough light from the window for Mike to see that Chester was alone, and he shut the door quietly behind him and stood there for a second, calming himself down. _He’s going to be mad that I just barged in here. This was a horrible idea. What was I thinking? Look at him. He doesn’t even look comfortable with his leg up like that._ Mike took a step toward the bed. Chester’s leg was sticking out of the pink and silver blanket, propped up on a pillow, and he was on his back, the little green alien Mike had noticed the last time he was there right at Chester’s side. He took another step toward the bed, as though he were being drawn by a magnet. The urge to slide into bed with Chester, to kiss the side of his face and hold him, was so strong Mike felt like it was pulling on him from the inside.

He debated with himself. _He was with someone else last night. He hasn’t texted me, either. But I haven’t texted him again. Maybe he forgot I texted, with all the painkillers and stuff. Does he even want to see me? He said he missed me. And we kissed… and it was so good. Jay would kill me if he knew I was here._ Mike’s hand went to his cell phone, and he pulled it out and looked at it. There were no missed calls or texts, and he didn’t think there would be any time soon. _He thinks I’m sleeping. He won’t call until later. Maybe not until he stops for the night._ Mike flicked the button on the side of the phone to send it to silence and slid it back in his pocket. _I’ll just lay on top of the blanket. That will be fine. I just want to talk._

****

TBC


	31. LAS

Mike rounded the bed to his side and gingerly climbed on. He saw the little wrinkle between Chester’s eyes as his subconscious registered the movement, but he didn’t wake up. Without jostling Chester’s leg he scooted in close, breathing in Chester’s scent of the beach and peaches, feeling the familiar scent in his soul. That was all it took for him to put his arm around Chester’s waist and nuzzle his face to the space between Chester’s shoulder and his neck. Mike didn’t even think twice. 

“Mmmm,” Chester mumbled at the feel of warmth against his bare skin. His mind was still caught between asleep and awake, but it registered that someone was close. Someone safe. Chester turned his head, leaving more open skin for the taking as he started to wake up. He could feel the weight of something across his waist. 

The slight hum was all the encouragement Mike needed. He lifted his head and pressed his lips to Chester’s neck, feeling his pulse under his lips. He placed a few more kisses along the line of his neck before he got to his ear and whispered, “Ches. Wake up. It’s me.” 

Mike’s voice resonated in Chester’s mind, and his eyes opened a little. It was early, and the morning sunshine wasn’t completely filling the room yet. He turned his head back towards Mike’s direction, and a breath hitched in his throat. “Hey,” he said, trying to piece together what was happening. “What, what are you doing here?” he asked, even as he let his nose gently scrape over Mike’s jawline, and soft beard.

“I wanted to see you,” Mike whispered, kissing the side of Chester’s face. “I wanted to see if you were okay. I saw you last night. At Mel’s.” He pulled Chester a little closer to him. “I guess you didn’t see me,” he added, a note of disappointment evident in his tone. _He probably didn’t notice because he was having a good time. And he’s about to wake up and push my ass on to the floor. This was stupid._

“Last night?” Chester repeated, as his mind really started to become aware. Thoughts of the night before zipped across his memory. “I didn’t see you at Mel’s,” he protested lightly, before leaning back so he could see Mike’s eyes. “Were you there? I was...out with someone,” he added, dropping his voice. 

“I know. Jay said you were with Petey Sly. I wasn’t there too long while you were, I was getting dessert when you sat down. Or when _he_ sat you down,” Mike amended. “I was so jealous it hurt. And then Jay and I argued about it, and, I don’t know. Ches, you’re already dating? Did you sleep with that guy? His hair is awful!” Mike hissed, as though that were the worst crime he could think of. 

It was a lot of information all at once, and Chester stayed quiet as he tried to figure it out. The mention of Jason’s name brought a sinking feeling to his stomach, even as Mike seemed concerned. Upset. _He was jealous. Why? And there was nothing to be jealous of. He was there with Jason. He’s everywhere with Jason...is it just because it was Petey?_ “I’m sorry you guys argued,” he said first. “And he wanted it to be a date, but I didn’t. I didn’t sleep with him.” Chester shut his eyes. It stung that Mike would ask him something like that. “I don’t really know him that well.”

Mike spread his fingers open over Chester’s stomach. “I know it’s not my business, Ches, but I couldn’t stop watching you. I wanted to go over there and tell him to go home, that you didn’t like him, but, I know I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want you to be with someone like that. I, I don’t know what I’m saying, Ches. I miss you so much, and seeing you with that guy, it sucked.” He nuzzled his face back next to Chester’s neck. “I just wanted to hold you. I lied and told Noah you texted me so he would let me in.” 

Chester covered Mike’s hand that was on his stomach. “You shouldn’t lie, Mike. To anyone.” He curled his fingers around Mike’s hand. “I miss you, too,” he whispered, tilting his head to place a soft kiss under Mike’s chin. He wasn’t sure if this was going to be like the last time Mike had come over or not, but this already felt more intimate. Maybe it was his lack of clothes, or maybe it was because it was early in the morning, or maybe it was because Mike had come over just to see him. He wasn’t relaying a message or saying goodbye or bringing over some forgotten item from the loft. 

“I didn’t know how else to get to you,” Mike breathed against Chester’s skin. “I needed to see you. I know I should have called or texted or something. But I was afraid you’d say no.” He closed his eyes and kissed Chester’s ear softly. “I didn’t want you to say no.”

Chester smiled a little at the warm, ticklish feeling brushing over his ear. “Sexy Boy, I told you I’d always let you in. You just have to ask, okay?” He looked over with his eyes, but not moving his head. He didn’t want to pull away from Mike’s warm breath. 

“Are you comfortable?” Mike asked softly, lifting his head to look at Chester’s leg. “I tried not to move you around when I laid down. You looked so sweet, all asleep.” He wanted to slide his hand under the blanket and feel Chester’s warm skin. Mike knew that underneath the pink and silver atrocity that Chester was probably naked, or close to it. _He might not be naked. This isn’t his place. He never slept naked at YRS. Maybe he’s got pants on._ Mike looked down, his face just inches from Chester’s, so close that it wouldn’t take much to kiss him again. He wanted to. He just didn’t know if Chester would let him. 

“I’m as comfortable as I can get,” Chester answered, looking up. “Remind me to never break my ankle again.” _I miss him like this. In the morning. His hair looks so soft._ There was only a slight hesitation, a second of thought about reality, and how he was no longer entitled to touch or kiss Mike Shinoda, before Chester shoved that away. He let go of Mike’s hand and reached to touch his face instead, sliding his fingers down his cheek and onto his beard. “I’m glad you’re here. You’re my favorite person to wake up to.”

Mike was caught in Chester’s eyes, and he couldn’t stop himself. He leaned down and carefully brought their lips together in a good morning kiss, praying that Chester wouldn’t stop him. He let all the thoughts of last night go as he gently sucked on Chester’s lip ring, and flexed his fingers over his stomach. Mike wanted to be closer, but he needed a sign. An invitation. He couldn’t assume that Chester wanted him close, even though he hadn’t stopped him yet. 

It didn’t take long. Their kiss turned to more, and Chester’s hand slid from Mike’s beard, to around his neck, and then up into his hair. His heart was pounding, and he wished his ankle wasn’t trapped inside the boot that limited his movement. His eyes were shut, and it was easy to pretend that their kisses would lead to more. That Mike would want to touch him and that he could touch Mike in return. It was an inner need, a desire to be close to the man he still loved, and for the moment, he had in his arms. He tried to twist a little, to get closer, but it was awkward and it broke their kiss. Chester’s fingers were still tangled in Mike’s dark hair as they looked at each other. “I love this longer hair on you,” he panted, his lips parted. 

All of the familiar feelings that came with kissing Chester were surging through Mike’s veins. He could feel the excitement and anticipation of having him so close, of kissing him again, and he didn’t want to stop. “Tell me how to make you more comfortable,” he begged, the hand that was on Chester’s stomach going up to trace around his jaw lightly while he enjoyed Chester’s fingers in his hair. “I want to be close to you, babe, I miss you so much.” Chester’s eyes were dark and Mike knew what that meant. He just needed Chester to say it. _I want him to tell me this is okay. I want to touch him, I want him to let me._

“We should get rid of this blanket,” Chester suggested. “Or you can get under here with me.” He knew that sounded forward, but he didn’t care. Mike was so close, and seemingly very willing to shower affection on him, and Chester was all in. He leaned closer, sending his lips to Mike’s cheek, and then around to his lips. He made sure to get Mike’s bottom lip this time, pressing his piercing against the soft tissue as he sucked. He dropped his hand to Mike’s shoulder, teasing his fingers over the fabric of his t-shirt. 

Chester sucking on his bottom lip was Mike’s weakness, and he knew that Chester knew that. He shivered at the feel of the lip ring on his skin and let the kiss go deep, opening his mouth for Chester to tease him with his tongue. The second shiver was more intense than the first, and Mike wanted under the blanket. He wanted to strip off his clothes and get under there with Chester and spend the rest of the day there. He didn’t care about Amir or Noah or what they would think. He pulled back to look at Chester again, to make sure. “This blanket is a tragedy,” Mike mumbled, “but I’ll get under it with you. If you think I can, with your leg like that. I’ll be careful,” he stated, backing away from Chester a little. 

“It _is_ a tragedy,” Chester agreed with a light chuckle. “I think it’s Noah’s, but I try not to ask questions like that. Take your shoes off,” he instructed, shoving Mike playfully on his chest. “And I can’t move around much with this stupid boot, I’m kinda stuck here.” 

“I’ve got this,” Mike answered, kicking off his shoes. He looked at Chester and bit his bottom lip. “Just my shoes?” He hoped Chester would say no, more than shoes, but he wasn’t going to assume. 

“Well, you can take off whatever you want,” Chester said with a sexy smirk. “But no shoes in bed for sure. I’m only in underwear under here, so beware.” 

Mike’s heart skipped a beat. “That doesn’t scare me at all,” he teased, reaching behind his neck to pull off his shirt. They were a long way from the days that the simple act of taking off his shirt was an ordeal. He didn’t even think twice. “I mean, if you’re in underwear, it only seems fair that I am, too.” He slid off the bed and dropped his jeans to the floor with his back to Chester, then quickly pulled off his socks. Mike lifted the edge of the blanket and stopped, making sure they made eye contact. “This is still okay, right?” he asked, a little bit of anxiety creeping over him. He didn’t want to put any pressure on Chester to do anything he didn’t want to do, but he wanted to crawl into bed and kiss him more. 

It was the most permission asking Chester had ever heard come from Mike, ever. Already Chester’s insides were tingling, his fingers scraping at the sheet under him in anticipation, and so he didn’t allow himself to stop and pick it all apart. He knew that whatever was about to happen was going to be the exception, not the norm, and in the moment, Chester was okay with that. 

“I swear I haven’t changed my mind in the last ten seconds, Sexy Boy. Come on,” he called, curling one finger in the air. “Please.”

It took Mike a second to decide how he wanted to get under the blanket, and then he ducked his head under it to watch and be sure he didn’t bump Chester’s boot. It was like being closed into their own private space. He felt his stomach twist at the sight of Chester’s almost naked body under the blanket, and instead of coming out of the blanket, Mike scooted over close and opened his mouth against Chester’s flat stomach, kissing a few wet smacks across the skin there. He kept waiting for Chester to change his mind, to say no, but it didn’t happen. He kissed all across his stomach and to the waistband of his underwear and stopped, his breathing heavy. Mike could see the bulge in Chester’s underwear, and he wanted to touch him. He wanted to get between his legs, but he hadn’t worked out how to do it with Chester’s leg propped up on the pillow. 

Both of Chester’s hands were down, under the blanket and running along every bit of Mike that he could touch. Shoulders, head, neck, and one roamed over down his back. He felt Mike’s backbone as he sat hunched over. The feel of Mike’s hot mouth and kisses to his skin already had his dick getting hard. It had been a long time since anyone had touched him, and it wasn’t going to take much for him to be physically ready for more. He knew he was breathing hard, and he twisted his head, trying to see more of Mike than the blanket was allowing. His fingertips barely tapped the waistband of Mike’s boxers. “You’re too far away,” he whined, trying to maneuver just a little closer, but he couldn’t go anywhere.

Mike popped up from under the blanket, his skin hot and his body anxious. “I’m here, I’m right here,” he panted, trying to catch his breath. “Let me move your pillow out some. Can I do that?” he asked, and waited for Chester to nod his head. Very carefully, Mike moved Chester’s booted leg and pillow out, and watched Chester make space for him by moving his other leg out, too. “Tell me if I hurt you, babe. Don’t let me hurt you.” He looked up and caught Chester’s eyes, and tried to make sure he knew how serious he was about that. 

“Don’t worry,” Chester said, looking right back at Mike. “I’ll let you know.” Everything inside of him was jumping, his hips already bucking a little, even though nothing was happening yet. “I know how to use my voice now,” he added, reaching over and cupping Mike’s bicep. 

“Okay,” Mike nodded, being careful not to bump Chester’s hurt leg as he got between his knees. It was just a small adjustment in his position before he lowered himself to Chester’s body, their covered dicks reuniting between them as he sank into place. His place. The place Mike knew as his very favorite place to be. He groaned softly and planted both elbows on either side of Chester’s head. “God, Ches, you feel so good.” He kissed the side of Chester’s face as he pressed his hips down lightly, testing the waters. “That okay?” 

Chester already had his arms around Mike’s neck, holding him down. “Yes,” he answered. The feel of Mike’s weight, the sensation of their cocks rubbing together, it was a lot, and Chester was loving every second of it. He kissed up under Mike’s chin with his eyes closed. He sent one hand down Mike’s back, pulling at his soft skin with need. “You feel good, too. Fuck, Sexy Boy, it’s been so long.” 

Mike breathed his agreement, enjoying the feel of Chester’s touch. He let Chester kiss his neck for a little while longer and then Mike leaned his head down and sucked Chester’s bottom lip into his mouth, then licked into Chester’s mouth softly, slowly. He could feel every bit of arousal for Chester and he wanted to make him feel good. To forget about his leg. To forget about all the stupid things Mike had done. He wanted to make love to him so much it ached. Chester was kissing him back, groping at his back, and his hips were moving against Mike’s. It was all adding up to an invitation, and Mike was more than ready. When he drew back and kissed the side of Chester’s mouth, he took a second to appreciate the pink flush across his cheeks before he whispered, “I want you, Ches. Please… let me.” 

There was no question what Mike was asking, and Chester didn’t hesitate. He wanted it. He wanted Mike in every way he could have him. He kept his knowledge about how things really were out of the way, no thoughts of Jason or of what Mike and Jason had become. No lingering memories of how things had fallen apart between he and Mike, and the fact that they were no longer together as a couple. He sent away all the tears and hurt feelings and his broken heart for the very present moment in front of him. Like he had done so many times over the years at YRS, Chester turned it all off. “I want you, too,” he answered, one hand snaking up the back of Mike’s neck. 

That moment skipped to the next as Chester thought ahead, not days into the future, but minutes. “Mike,” he whined suddenly, shaking his head back and forth. “I don’t have anything here. I, I haven’t been with anyone,” he confessed, sucking his piercing in for a second in worry. “Just you, and I didn’t bring anything here with me. I don’t have any lube or condoms.” That last word came out of his mouth on its own. He and Mike hadn’t used protection in a really, really long time, but they weren’t together anymore. There was no monogamy between them, no safe space, and Chester’s years worth of training at YRS told him that protection would need to play a role now. STD tests were a thing of the past, gone along with YRS, and the assurance they brought was no longer a present element. _And Jason. I know they’re sleeping together, but are they being monogamous? I don’t even know. Would he tell me if I asked? He lied before...would he lie to me now?_ It was a scary thought, and suddenly Chester shut his eyes as he clung onto Mike’s body on top of him. 

Two conflicting emotions zipped through Mike as he looked down into Chester’s face. There was desire and need, which Chester was reciprocating, and shock. _Condoms? We haven’t used condoms in forever. We’ve never had sex with condoms. Not once._ He pulled in a shuddering breath and tried to calm his body enough to think clearly. “I don’t have anything either,” he admitted. He kissed the side of Chester’s face, and hoped he would look at him, but Chester’s eyes remained closed. “We don’t have to,” he finally said, his voice cracking a bit as disappointment swept over him. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.” It would be hard to stop, but he wanted to respect Chester’s boundaries. He wasn’t the boyfriend anymore. _And I should have been respecting them then, too._ He hovered over Chester, waiting.

It was an aching feeling inside Chester’s heart. He wanted them to be close. He wanted to partake in the back and forth sharing and giving that came with sex and love making that he’d been lacking for not only weeks, but months. He wanted to feel Mike inside of him, and connect with him in that way that felt so binding, the way he’d reserved for Mike and Mike alone for so long.

But not protecting himself was a reality he couldn’t push away. “We better not then,” he whispered, daring to open his eyes, and he saw the look of utter disappointment on his ex-boyfriend’s face. “I’m sorry...I just, you’re not mine anymore so I don’t know how things are with you. I’m not trying to be a tease.” Already he felt the excitement and anticipation fading from his body, and it was upsetting. His insides suddenly felt messed up between what he wanted, and what he knew was right. What was safe. 

Mike closed his eyes. He knew Chester wasn’t being a tease. That thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. It took him a minute to get himself under control, then he leaned down and pressed a light kiss to Chester’s lips. “I know. You’re not a tease,” he whispered before he carefully lifted himself from Chester’s body. It was agonizing to move, to get over Chester’s hurt leg without bumping it, and lay down next to him when what he really wanted to do was strip off his black underwear and give them what they both wanted. _But maybe he really doesn’t want it. Maybe that’s why he stopped me. I have to respect that. I have to._

Mike snuggled in close to Chester’s side and kissed his shoulder. “It’s okay,” he said to both of them. “Can I still hold you?” His fingers were stroking over the skin of Chester’s belly and he was enjoying just touching him, but Mike thought that maybe Chester didn’t want any of this at all. Maybe he was trying to let Mike down easy. _That would serve me right. I don’t want him to kick me out. This feels so good._ He tried to keep his sexual thoughts conservative, but it was hard with Chester right there. Mike shifted his lower half away from Chester and tried to keep his dick from touching his leg. 

Chester nodded. “I want to hold you, too,” he said, trying to keep his words clean and clear. He reached over to touch Mike’s leg, even though it felt a little far away. He feathered his fingers over the soft leg hair that he knew was dark, even though he couldn’t see it. “I miss this so much.” He nuzzled his face as close to Mike’s as he could. He could smell how clean he was, like he’d just had a shower that morning. The familiar warmth from Mike’s skin and the lazy pattern that was being traced along his belly, it was intoxicating. There were questions Chester wanted to ask, and things he really didn’t want to know about, and it was a hard shuffle through his mind as he tried to decide what would be best. _Asking why he’s here...I don’t think I want to know what he would say to that. Him saying he misses me is enough for now. We were going to have sex. I still want to. But that would mean he’s cheating on Jason, just like he cheated on me. None of it seems like the Mike I knew. What changed him like that? Maybe just time._

It was a heavy thought, and one Chester didn’t want to get stuck on. No matter what choices were made right now, the situation wasn’t ideal, not from any angle. He opened his eyes to see Mike’s face so close. His lips were parted as he breathed easily - lips that were still a little swollen from where they’d been kissing passionately. Lips Chester loved to kiss, and be kissed by. Mike’s bangs covered over one of his eyes, and Chester couldn’t help but think back over every single hair care product debate/bathroom session he and Mike had been through over their time together. The dye jobs, and minutes and hours in front of the bathroom mirror. How many times he’d washed Mike’s hair as they took showers together. Mike’s eyelashes were long and dark, like the rest of his hair, and the beard. Mike’s beard was something Chester never would have thought of until he actually started growing it out. It gave his face a more mature look, maybe even a little more dangerous and exotic flare than when he only had a small goatee, like when they’d first met. But no matter how much change time had brought, it was still the face of the person Chester loved, and he smiled. 

“You should have said hi last night,” Chester said, trying to bring things back around to something more playful. He had no idea how much longer he had with Mike, and he didn’t want the precious moments spent being sad or disappointed. “You’re much better company than Petey Sly. Did you know that he doesn’t eat ketchup? I almost fell off my stool and broke my other ankle when he told me that. I mean, as if I could ever be with someone like that.”

“None? Like, at all?” Mike asked, his eyes widening in thought. “I don’t know how you made it through dinner with such a caveman.” He kept his fingers moving over Chester’s skin. “I didn’t say hi because it was obvious you were on a date. And I guess we were, too.” He wanted to say, _it was Jay’s last night in town_, but he didn’t like how presumptuous that sounded. Like he was telling Chester that just to justify the fact they were almost naked in bed together, when Jason hadn’t been gone two hours yet. 

Mike propped himself up on his elbow so he could see Chester’s face better. He traced his hand up Chester’s side and then around to lightly graze over one small pink nipple. He did it without looking down, his eyes on Chester’s face instead as he felt over it. He wanted to lean over and suck on it, but he refrained. They were supposed to be calming down. There was no lube, no condoms, and there wasn’t going to be any sex. He caught his breath. “If you need someone to eat ketchup with, I’ll go anywhere with you. I may not fight you for the bottle, but I do at least like it. And you know I won’t hog it all. It’s a total win for you.”

“I’d like that,” Chester answered easily, even as he sucked in a breath at the feel of Mike’s fingers sliding over his nipple. He looked up, and his hand followed as he lightly tugged on Mike’s beard. “You’re my favorite person to eat with. I miss cooking for you. For us,” he amended. “I miss my kitchen. God, my kitchen,” he whined as thoughts of the loft came to mind. “I never thought I could emotionally be attached to a space, but dammit, I am, Sexy Boy. And the kitchen here is Amir’s, not mine. I need to get my own place after I get better.” The thought that Mike wouldn’t be around to see that happen, brought a small frown to Chester’s face. “I’ll send you pictures, if you want. When it happens.” He sucked in his piercing, his fingers still lost on Mike’s face. “Are you eating enough?” he asked, even though he knew it wasn’t his business anymore. 

“I miss your cooking, too,” Mike whined back, his eyes on Chester’s lips as he sucked on the piercing Mike loved. “I’m always hungry. Especially after breakfast. Cereal just doesn’t cut it anymore. You totally spoiled me.” He turned his face into Chester’s hand and kissed his wrist. He didn’t want to think about how he wouldn’t be around to see Chester’s new kitchen, wherever that was going to be. He had a sudden, irrational thought that Chester could move back to the loft now that Jason was going to rent it out, but he knew that would never go over, with either of them. _It would keep Chester very much in the present. I’d like that._ He let his hand drift to Chester’s other nipple. “Send me all the pictures you want. Just no food pictures. My stomach would be insanely jealous.” 

Chester kept one hand ghosted over Mike’s lips, his other he inched up Mike’s thigh, spreading his fingers out over his leg, and the muscle he knew was there. “I can’t promise anything,” he said with an amused smile. “75% of all the pictures on my phone are of food. You’ll probably end up with some by accident. Or on purpose. There are certain meals that just scream Mike Shinoda.” He watched himself grab hold of Mike’s bottom lip, pressing it between his thumb and finger. “Kiss me,” he begged. “I’m not going to get many more from you before you’ll be gone forever.” 

_Forever._ The word resonated through Mike with a whole different meaning. Forever between them had always meant together, but now it was laced with a heaviness that crushed at Mike’s lungs and made it hard to breathe. Chester’s eyes held the same look. It wasn’t desperation, just need, raw and unashamed. Mike didn’t need to be asked twice. He leaned close and took Chester’s lips again, sliding his tongue across the lip ring and into Chester’s mouth, meeting his kiss with less hesitancy than earlier. He was still aroused and his hand slipped down Chester’s side to cup his ass before he remembered not to pull them together. Chester’s leg was between them, propped on the pillow, a barrier keeping them from going too far. Mike put every ounce of desire he could into the warmth of their kiss as it went deep and stayed there. He felt like he was falling into Chester and he might never make his way out. _I love you, Ches. Can you feel it?_

That kiss led to another one. Chester’s tongue played with Mike’s, in a dance they’d perfected a long time ago. It was warm and wet and tasted like love and passion, the good kind that only exists with true emotional connection. Chester’s mind scrambled. He wanted more, and the consequences were quickly getting shoved to the side. _He’s leaving soon. He’s leaving and I might never see him again. I trust him. If he was sleeping with a bunch of people, he wouldn’t be here now._ Chester twisted himself towards Mike, pulling out of their kiss long enough to make it onto his side. He left his hurt ankle where it was, propped up, but his other leg he threw over Mike’s thigh. He grabbed at his side, trying to pull him closer. Mike’s skin was almost hot to the touch, and the need to press himself up against him was almost overwhelming. He kissed Mike’s face, then across his cheek. “It’s just us, right?” he asked when his lips were close to Mike’s ear. “The three of us? If there hasn’t been anyone else, then fuck it, Sexy Boy. I want you, if you still want me.” 

_The three of us._ Mike paused, the thought of Jason stopping his wandering hands for a second. He could feel Chester against him, he could feel his heart racing and his dick throbbing, but more than that, he could feel the way his soul was pulled toward his ex-boyfriend. He wanted the connection. “God, I want you, Ches,” he breathed into Chester’s ear, his lips brushing against the jewelry in his lobe. “I haven’t been with anyone else, babe.” He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus. Thoughts of Jason went to the background and the reality that he might get to make love to Chester again was closer than it had been even earlier. They were talking about it, not just letting their bodies lead them. “You really want me?” Mike breathed, well aware he was asking permission - again. “After everything, babe… I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant for things to get so crazy between us. I’m not going to be like that, not ever again. I won’t hurt you again.” 

All the sexy, needy feelings stopped as Mike’s apology and promise processed quickly through Chester’s mind. It hadn’t just been the time at YRS when things with the handcuffs had left bruises. It wasn’t just when Mike had pulled too hard on the collar, and it left a red ring around Chester’s neck. It was more than all that. It went deeper than the physical aches that Chester had silently borne after rough times in bed, times when Mike had held him down, when sensual touches had been left out for manhandling and quick gratification. Slowly, without either of them recognizing it, over the last six months, the love had been filtered out of their love making, and Mike was promising to return it. 

“I know you never meant to,” Chester said as he pulled back. He wanted to look into Mike’s eyes while they talked about it. “I think we both got lost somehow. Lost from each other. If we can get even a little part of that back right now, I’m all in.” He stroked his fingers gently down the side of Mike’s face, the face he knew by heart. 

Mike’s eyes closed under Chester’s touch. “I’ve missed you. How we were… I don’t know how it happened either, but I want to make it right.” He turned his lips into Chester’s hand, kissing his palm softly. “All of that, it’s not really me, Ches. You _know_ me. Let me make love to you,” he whispered, opening his eyes to look down into Chester’s face. 

“I _do_ know you,” Chester agreed. “And I know the whole thing got away from us both.” He let out a soft sigh before he smiled. His last time with Mike Shinoda wasn’t going to be filled with pain or grief, but it was going to be love. They were getting the chance to change the painful ending they’d both been enduring. Chester pressed his lips back to Mike’s ear. “Come on, Sexy Boy, I’m ready.” 

“I love you,” Mike whispered. He took a moment to collect his emotions. Suddenly everything felt more intense than it had even before he’d stopped them again to make certain Chester was making a decision with his heart. He meant it when he said he didn’t want to hurt him, and that responsibility went further than the physical. It was Chester’s heart and mind, his soul, that Mike wanted to be mindful of, not just his lover’s body. “I love everything that makes you _you._” 

Chester reached for Mike’s hand. The simple act kept things from moving forward for the moment. “Really?” he heard himself ask, even though he knew how pitiful that sounded. “Everything’s been so hard, Mike. I always thought we complimented each other, but lately it hasn’t been that way.” He pulled his lip in for a second as he squeezed Mike’s hand. “I love you, too. I know my actions didn’t always show it, but I do.”

“I know.” There were a million other things in that moment Mike could say, but there would be time later. He was going to be sure of it. He squeezed Chester’s fingers and tried to bring things back around a little. They could keep talking, but joining together felt so important after their declarations. “We don’t have any lube, and it’s been so long. I don’t want to hurt you.” He could hear Chester’s breaths in his ear and everything inside Mike wanted to push their lower halves together, but he waited still. The way things were between them now, he had to let Chester be in control of what happened.

Chester’s hand went down Mike’s back, and slipped under the waistband of his boxers. Their talk had been short, but meaningful, and Chester could tell it wouldn’t be the last time. Whatever wall that had been keeping them from sharing their feelings before felt like it was crumbling by the second. 

He pressed his fingers into Mike’s skin before releasing him, and then did it again in a massaging motion. “Sexy Survival Guidebook 101,” he said, before he pulled back to catch the moment of confusion in Mike’s black eyes. “I’m kidding,” Chester laughed, his insides more alight now than they had been in weeks. “There’s no actual guidebook, but we can find a lube alternative. Spit won’t be enough,” he stated with a hard swallow. “Because you’re right, it’s been awhile.” 

Chester didn’t wait to let Mike say anything to that. He wanted to kiss some more. He wanted to feel over every inch of Mike’s body. He’d given his permission, and when they needed it, he knew there were things in the bathroom - lotion, Vaseline - things that would suffice this time around. Somewhere in Chester’s head, he made himself a note to be prepared for next time, just in case there was one. 

He took another deep kiss from Mike’s lips before he smiled out of it. He pecked a line of wetter, faster ones down Mike’s neck, his hand still down the back of his boxer shorts. “I dream about you,” he confessed between the faint splotchy marks he was leaving on Mike’s tender skin. “Good dreams and weird dreams and sexy dreams. I’d tell you more, but you’d think I was a pervert,” he chuckled as his kisses landed on Mike’s collar bone. 

“No, I wouldn’t,” Mike panted as he leaned his head back and gave Chester space. “You’re always on my mind.” He wiggled a little closer when he felt Chester pull him in. They were right back where they had been, both of them hard, and he groaned softly at the feel of Chester up against him. “I want to feel you, let me take these off.” He pulled at the waistband of Chester’s underwear and waited for his affirmation before he pulled back. The sight of Chester so ready for him was exhilarating. “Hold still,” he whispered, carefully maneuvering the black underwear over Chester’s cock and down his legs, working it over the boot with a soft snort of laughter. “I’m probably stretching these out, I’m sorry.” They were over the side of the bed in a flash, and Mike’s boxers joined them before he stretched back out beside Chester, his hand going right to his naked hip. 

Chester’s eyes were on his as Mike’s fingers feathered over the skin that had just been covered. He felt over Chester’s hip and around the side of his ass, his hand encouraging Chester as close as he could get. Their naked cocks rubbed against each other and Mike closed his eyes at the sensation. He could feel they were both wet, and he was struck with a sudden need to taste his lover. It seemed like it had been forever since he’d had Chester in his mouth. _Forever. There’s that word again._ He kissed Chester’s shoulder and whispered, “lay on your back, babe, and get comfortable.” Even though it was hard, he scooted out of the way to let Chester move around. 

It took a moment for the request to register. Chester’s heart was pumping, his dick twitching. “Already?” he asked with a playful pout. “Do you have any idea how much work it was to get in this position?” His hand was still on Mike’s bare chest, despite him scooting back to give room for movement. Chester groped lightly at the olive skin under his fingers. “It sucks I’m shackled to this boot for this. If I wasn’t, you better believe I’d have you on your back, riding you like the dark horse you are.” He grinned before he let Mike go, and carefully pulled his leg and body back. There was no pain from his ankle, and if it hadn’t been encased by the clunky mound of bandages and tough fabric, he would have forgotten it was broken. 

Chester looked up at the ceiling, and opened his legs as best as he could, one hand still to the side to keep track of where Mike was. He didn’t have a plan yet, but somehow he was going to figure out a way to get his lips around Mike’s dick in return. He wanted to suck and lick and smell the cock he’d missed so much before it would be inside of him. 

Mike was back between Chester’s legs as soon as he settled in and got still, lining their bodies up and pressing his hips down into Chester’s just to hear the soft moan that would come from his lips. It was always such a turn on to hear Chester respond to him. He started at his neck, kissing every bit of skin there as he lazily rolled his hips against Chester’s. He went down, kissing across his collarbone, then loving on each nipple until it was a hard little nub under his tongue. Chester’s flat stomach was next, and Mike kissed across every inch as he made his way down, lower, past Chester’s belly button and to the soft hair under it, closer and closer to the wet cock near his chin. He could smell the arousal on Chester, the scent Mike recognized as uniquely his, and his mouth watered in anticipation. He was doing his best not to rush things, to savor every second and every breath, but he couldn’t help it anymore. Mike didn’t even look up before he kissed Chester’s cock head softly, and lapped gently at his slit, letting the taste of his precum explode across his tongue. He didn’t know it was possible, but he felt himself grow a little harder as he slid his tongue down the sides of Chester’s shaft, getting him slick and ready for what was coming. He wanted to make Chester come before anything else. This was all going to be about him.

The air gasped from Chester’s lungs the moment he felt Mike’s warm mouth on his sensitive cock. He hissed and bucked his hips a little, the sensation twice as strong as he ever remembered it being. _Because it’s been so long. Fuck. It’s good. It’s so good._ His hand went to the top of Mike’s head. “Sexy Booooy,” he moaned, and his good leg raised a little, his knee going up. He felt Mike’s mouth close over top of his mushroom head, and then Mike’s skilled tongue nudged and rubbed against his slit, and Chester was on cloud nine. His bare toes, which were just visible poking out of the bottom of the boot, curled. His other hand flung behind him, up over his head as he grabbed at the pillow his head was on. He pulled his piercing in, a loud sucking sound hitting the air as he did. His nostrils were flared, his thighs trembling with arousal and titillation. If it felt this good now, he knew everything else that was coming was going to be outstanding, and he was getting to share it all with Mike. _The way it should be. The way I want it. The way I always want it._

Mike was concentrating on reading Chester’s body, the signals he knew so well. He cataloged each tremble, every breath, each twitch of Chester’s cock in his mouth. He pressed his tongue to the vein on the underside, lapped his tongue across the top, circled his lips up under the rim and sucked before starting it all over again, keeping his mouth in motion. Every shake of Chester’s legs meant he was doing it right, and Mike didn’t let up for even a moment. He felt Chester’s fingers in his hair and the slight tug as they tightened, then pulled. It was enough to make him moan around Chester’s cock, the corners of his mouth wet with saliva that he couldn’t swallow. Mike wanted to finger him, but he didn’t want to stop. Chester was close, without the use of his hands, and Mike wanted it. He was ready. 

Chester’s eyes were closed, and without his permission, his mind brought up his private movie of all things sexy, loving, and gratifying. Moments - some real and some from Chester’s imagination - flashed across his eyes like he was seeing every single one of them in person. Right now. Mike on top of him as they fooled around in their bed at the loft, and the smile on Mike’s face as they kissed, teased, and played. Mike on the couch downstairs, again at the loft, with the blue hair he used to have, and his big puppy eyes that melted every bit of Chester’s resistance on pretty much everything. A moment in the kitchen, with Chester leaned over the counter, and Mike against his back, nothing but sweat between them. In the shower, on the bed again. Down at the beach, naked on the sand with the waves crashing behind them, simultaneous with their shared orgasms. The look on Mike’s face when he would squeeze his eyes shut so tightly, and crinkles would come out from the sides. The sound of Mike’s voice when he would call Chester’s name, like it was in a fanciful dream, rather than a real life memory. 

“Chesssstttterrr,” the sound rang through Chester’s ears, even though it wasn’t actually happening in that moment. “Cheeeessss, I loooove you!” 

The vision of Mike in the closet hit next, and this one was new, an addition to the usual collection of Mike filled moments that Chester always leapt to right before coming. He saw his lover in the closet, on the floor with him as they shared a kiss, as Mike touched his face, as their eyes met in something deeper than love or devotion. It was enough to make Chester’s insides pulse. To release the tight feeling in his balls in a refreshing gush that felt like warm water had just been poured all over his body. His mouth dropped open. His fingers clenched, tangled in Mike’s hair as he moaned and trembled. Nothing hurt in that moment, on the outside or the inside, and Chester didn’t want it to stop. 

Mike pulled back just enough to give Chester’s cum a place to go inside his mouth, making sure his lips stayed tight around him as the waves of his orgasm hit. His eyes squeezed tight as he rode it out with Chester, silently chanting _yes, yes, let me have it_ until Chester’s hips stopped moving and his knee fell to the side like it was the heaviest thing in existence. He licked his tongue over Chester’s slit and felt him tremble as Mike pulled off and swallowed, crawling up Chester’s body and dropping kisses on his skin until they were face to face. Mike kissed along Chester’s jaw, along his sweaty hairline, felt his panting breaths, and kept his own body hovering above as he whispered, “I love you, Chester.” He could taste his lover still on his tongue, his mouth and lips sticky, and it was something else he realized he’d missed as he looked down into Chester’s face. His eyes were still closed and he looked completely blissed out, and Mike was happy to see it. There had been too many days of sorrow and heartbreak between them lately, and even though a very small voice in his head popped up right then to remind him that this was likely to end in heartbreak, too, Mike ignored it. He wanted to be with Chester. He wanted to stay in the bed and hide from the world for the rest of the day. Maybe forever. He didn’t want to have the conversation he knew would likely follow their lovemaking. He wanted to pretend nothing else mattered.

He rubbed his lips back and forth against Chester’s forehead, his arms shaking as he held still above him, though he could feel his dick prodding between Chester’s legs as if to say, _remember me, I’m down here. It’s my turn._ Mike wanted to let Chester come down before he suggested more. Before Mike got up to find some sort of lubrication to finger Chester, to see if he still wanted Mike inside him. There was a deep desire to see how much pleasure he could bring them both before it was over. “You feeling okay?” he asked quietly, and he didn’t just mean physically. He wanted to make sure Chester’s heart was still in what they were doing. 

Both of Chester’s arms pulled Mike down by the neck. He rubbed their cheeks together. “Yeah,” he whispered to Mike’s ear. “I love you, too. So fucking much.” He didn’t want to let him go. Not in that moment or any other. He could hear and feel Mike’s breathing, and that was a sound he missed every night and every morning. He took the comfort of Mike’s body in, clinging to him for a few more seconds before he opened his eyes. The euphoria from the physical release was fading, but the desire to be close to Mike was still fully present. 

Chester wrapped his lips around Mike’s earlobe, fiddling with the little gold upside down U shaped earring that was there with his tongue. He listened as Mike hummed. He felt the poke of Mike’s still very hard dick between his legs, and Chester let out a long breath. “Ready for your turn?” he asked, plopping a kiss to Mike’s cheek before he pushed him back. Mike raised up again, and their eyes met. Chester trailed his hands down the moist skin of Mike’s chest. “One of us is going to have to venture to the bathroom,” Chester stated with a sly smile. “I’ll go, but you’ll have to stay here and wait on my slow ass.” 

“I’ve got all day,” Mike said, and he meant it. “But, if I helped, maybe we’d get there and back faster. And your roommates will think I’m just helping you go to the bathroom.” He raised an eyebrow as he looked down at his rock hard erection. “Helping you walk in that boot can’t be any harder than walking with this.” He waved a hand at his dick and huffed a breath. “And we both have to get dressed,” he whined, sitting back on his knees. Mike pulled both hands down Chester’s thighs, letting his fingers graze over the sparse hairs there. “Don’t change your mind in the amount of time it takes us to walk over there.” He didn’t think he would be able to handle it if Chester decided they were finished. Mike was just getting started. 

Chester let out a snort. “Whatever, Sexy Boy. Like I’d ever deny you.” His smile quickly frowned as memories from the last few months popped up. “I mean, I was before, but only because I couldn’t.” He sat himself up, and reached for Mike. “You _do_ know that, don’t you? I never said no back then because I didn’t want to. It was never, ever because of that. My insides...my inner kittens were just all mixed up. You know, my emotions,” he tried to clarify before he looked down at his own lap and his flaccid penis. “You know, just in case there was ever any doubt about that. It was a rough few months, Mike...but I never wanted it to be.” 

Mike took Chester in his arms, leaning down to hug him close. “I know, babe. I know,” he soothed softly. He pressed his cheek to the top of Chester’s head. “That’s not why… Chester…” his voice cracked and he ran his hands all over Chester’s back. He didn’t know what to say. The wrong words right know could break everything. He felt everything in his body coming down as he held his ex-boyfriend and tried to come up with the right words. It was hard for him to understand what had gone wrong between them, but it wasn’t completely about a lack of sex. Nothing he could sort in his mind - his mind that had just been on the high of having gotten Chester off so completely - made any sense. The entire situation was terribly confusing, made worse by the fact that being with Chester right now felt so incredibly right. He closed his eyes. “I’m glad it’s better now, Ches. And I’m so glad you’re sharing it with me.” He kissed the side of Chester’s face and petted down his back some more. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to prove anything to me. If you want to stop, we can.” Mike paused, and swallowed before he added, “or I can throw on my clothes real quick and head to the bathroom and hope for the best. Whatever you want.” 

Chester pulled back, and the unsure look in Mike’s eyes pinched his heart. “I’m not trying to prove anything,” he answered softly. “I just miss being with you, and having you here is...it’s what I want.” He leaned forward to press his finger to Mike’s lips. “So stop doubting, okay?” Chester’s smile returned as Mike kissed his fingertip. “And the bathroom is down the hall.” He twisted around to try and find the time, his focus hitting the small clock on the nightstand. “Wait, shhhh,” he warned, his whole hand going over Mike’s lips this time. “Amir and Noah are loud,” he whispered. “If we can’t hear them moving around, then they’re not down here.” He waited, his head cocked and his hand over Mike’s mouth.

Mike held his breath, his eyes locked into Chester’s as they listened to the silence of the apartment. He counted five seconds in his head before Chester nodded and dropped his hand. Mike slid off the bed and grabbed his boxers and t-shirt, pulling them on before a brief debate made him pick up his jeans and wiggle his way into those quickly too. “Okay, I’ll be right back,” he promised. He left Chester in the middle of the bed and was out the door, stealthily creeping through the downstairs like a cat. 

Mike got to the bathroom without issue and eased the door shut to turn on the lights. He opened the first of two drawers in the vanity and was greeted by Chester’s toothpaste and other assorted hygiene products. The second drawer didn’t yield anything useful either, and Mike was about to curse under his breath. _I should have asked Ches what to get. Damnit._ He dropped to his knees and opened the door to the cabinet under the sink. _Jackpot._ Mike picked up the first bottle of lotion he saw, then replaced it when his eyes hit a small container of Vaseline. That was going to have to do, but then he looked further into the cabinet. Tucked into the back corner was a half empty clear bottle of something boldly titled _Uberlube_, and Mike couldn’t help but roll his eyes. This bottle was more like the Amir he knew. A giant economy sized bottle of some fancy lube for all his exotic encounters. He had to guess that was why it was shoved in the corner of the downstairs bathroom, where Noah wouldn’t see it. _Seems like those fling days are over now. I don’t blame him for hiding it away._

With the actual lube - not lotion or vaseline - in his hand, Mike stood up and flicked off the lights, then listened intently. There was still no sound from the downstairs, but he tucked the bottle up under his shirt anyway. The last thing he wanted was to run into either Noah or Amir with a giant bottle of lube in his hands. He hurried across the space and back into the bedroom, where Chester was laying naked, watching the door. “Told you I’d be quick,” he whispered, shutting and locking the door behind him. “Look what I found,” he added with a grin, pulling the lube out of his shirt triumphantly. He tossed it over to Chester while he tugged off his shirt and then his jeans and boxers together, leaving them in a heap on the floor. 

“Where did you find this?” Chester asked, his eyes wide as he sat up and turned the bottle around in his hands. “It’s huge!” He had to laugh as he thought about Amir, and how so much had changed since the demise of YRS. “This bottle is bigger than me,” he added as he handed it back to Mike when he sat on the bed. 

“Behind a bunch of stuff,” Mike said absently, reaching out to brush his fingertips over the arm that was closest to him. “Much better than the alternatives.” He smiled and set the bottle to the side. It was almost like starting over again, and he wanted to do things right. “Come here,” he whispered, his hand going to Chester’s cheek. “I could just kiss you all day, you know?”

Chester leaned Mike’s way, their lips connecting for a soft moment, and then a longer kiss after. The warm feeling from earlier was still lingering over Chester, and closeness was all he wanted. He was pretty sure Mike was the source of the warmth. “I love kissing you,” he said as they pulled apart. “And I’ve basically become a recluse, so please, stay all day and kiss me.” He grinned, his hand running up Mike’s nearby leg.

Mike smiled back and turned his head to look down at Chester’s hurt leg. “Still doing okay with that? Need me to arrange you differently? You better get comfortable, I might have to tease you a bit - I mean, take my time.” He kissed Chester’s shoulder and then ran his lips lightly over his skin, trying to tickle him just a little. 

It worked, and Chester giggled at Mike’s light touch. “You’re so bad...teasing me.” He twisted, bringing Mike’s lips to a halt. “I do want a different position, and you can’t say no,” he insisted, giving Mike his best stern face. “I mean, of course you can,” he clarified, “but I don’t want you to.” He waited, watching as Mike cocked an eyebrow at him. “I have a boot on my leg,” Chester stated, like it was new information. He pointed down to it. “Which means I’m limited, but before we get back to me, I want to love on you first.” He ghosted his eyes from Mike’s face down to his lap, where he could see his ex-boyfriend’s partial erection. “If I lay down, will you get over top of me? I can’t think of any other way to do it. Oh!” he said suddenly, shaking his head. “Never mind, I have a better idea!” 

Now it was really time to do something, and Chester felt the bolts of excitement zipping through him as he twirled his hand through the air. “Let’s lay down, head to foot, but facing each other.”

Mike helped Chester wiggle down the bed and laughed under his breath. “You’re so crazy sometimes,” he admonished cheerfully before he turned to lay down facing the other way. He scooted around until he figured he was lined up the way Chester wanted him to be, cock to mouth. “How’s this, babe?” 

“Perfect,” Chester replied before he licked his lips. He hated to admit he was a little out of practice, but he knew it would all come back to him. He’d been blowing Mike for almost two years. It wasn’t something he could forget how to do. 

He wrapped one arm around Mike’s waist, his hand playing with his ass, as he nuzzled Mike’s cock with his lips and nose. He added tongue, slowly lapping at it, and giving it the occasional kiss. It didn’t take long for the taste of his ex-boyfriend’s pre-cum to glaze over his lips, and Chester uttered a soft hum to go with it. He slid his hand from Mike’s ass, back around to wrap it around the base of his cock, holding it in place as he opened his mouth and took it in. He started with the tip, making sure to touch every spot with his tongue, and to press a little more against Mike’s slit. He heard his lover moan, and Chester did it again. And then again. 

He went deeper, sending Mike’s shaft into his mouth, and toward his throat. He couldn’t take Mike completely in, but he could make it to where his hand was, and with enough spit, he could work his mouth and his hand in unison to simulate going deeper than he could with his mouth alone. He slid his lips up and down, going down to his hand, and then back up, sending more spit down Mike’s shaft with each rep. He twisted his hand, spreading the natural lubricant around until he felt like it was enough. 

He lined his hand and his mouth up, dividing Mike’s cock in half, and Chester started. He went down, swirled his tongue around just like he knew Mike liked, and every time he pulled back, his hand pulled back with him, so Mike’s shaft was never left totally out in the open. He used his lip ring, pressing it up under Mike’s cock hood, and on the place right below his tip that Mike liked. The hisses and groans coming from Mike were making Chester’s dick wake back up and pay attention. 

Mike’s eyes were squeezed shut and he was clutching at Chester, trying to control how loudly he was responding to the feel of his mouth. _And the fucking lip ring, I love that thing._ Every time the jewelry pressed against his sensitive skin he felt his legs shake with approval. He’d missed this, the way Chester knew every spot he liked and the order he liked it in. The way he swirled his tongue and the way he would lick into his slit every once it a while. He was trying hard to hold still and not shove his hips forward, but it was hard. “Fuuuuccckk, Ches, it’s so good,” he moaned, trying to keep his voice down. He was better at all levels of restraint than he used to be, but it was killing him to hold back. “You’ve got to stop,” he panted, even though he didn’t try to move away. 

The word _stop_ hit Chester’s ears, and slowly he pulled his mouth off his lover. He picked his head up, to look down the bed at Mike’s face. “Had enough?” he asked. His mouth was somewhere between dry and sticky, and he licked his lips as he watched Mike struggle to move. 

“Never. It’s never enough,” Mike said, his voice strained. “But I want to be inside you, and I don’t want anything to spoil that. You’re gonna make me come and I don’t want to. Not yet.” He took a deep breath and sat up long enough to twist around to get back to Chester, going right for his swollen lips. He pressed into the kiss too hard at first and instantly backed off a bit, trying to keep his touches and kisses light. They melted back together and Mike ran his hand down Chester’s leg, trying to move it up and over his own so he’d have space for what he wanted to do next. The whole reason he’d gone and gotten the lube from across the borrowed apartment. 

He got Chester situated and broke the kiss, sliding his hand around the warm ass in front of him, greedily touching Chester everywhere but where he wanted to go. “You ready for me?” he asked, looking for affirmation in Chester’s eyes. It was a short reach to grab the lube, and Mike was ready to get to the fingering. But not before Chester gave him the green light. 

A lot had happened in the last hour, and Chester couldn’t think of any way or reason he’d ever say no. Even though he’d already had one orgasm, he could feel his body heading towards maybe having another. His dick was hard, his insides a tumbled mess of excitement and arousal and the thought of having Mike’s fingers - Mike’s cock - inside of him was making his anticipation levels hit ten. “I’m ready,” he told him with a dramatic nod before his hand went to Mike’s chest, stopping everything for just a few seconds. “Go slow,” he whispered. 

Mike nodded and reached behind him, grabbing the lube and trying to get it on his fingers without spilling it down Chester’s front, laughing a little at how uncoordinated he was. “Sorry,” he whispered, snapping the bottle shut before he snuggled close again, his face pressed between Chester’s nipples. He reached down, his hand slick and wet, and with the knowledge of having done the same thing more times than he could count, he traced over Chester’s butt cheeks and found his sensitive opening, rubbing his finger there for a moment to get everything good and wet before he carefully pressed inside, going slow despite how fast his heart was racing. He pressed a few kisses to Chester skin and he could swear he felt Chester’s pulse under his lips as he pushed his finger in a little, then pulled back out, getting him wet and slippery, and starting the process of getting him ready. _For sex. For me to make love to him, the right way. The way we used to do it. Slowly. Tenderly. I’m going to be the best boyfriend ever._ It didn’t register in Mike’s mind for one second that he was no longer the boyfriend. The past three weeks didn’t matter right now. They were together. 

Chester arched his back a little as Mike’s finger wiggled around, pushing in and out. It had been awhile, and the feeling of being penetrated was somewhere between awkward, and so long overdue. “Fuck, Mike,” he Chester murmured, his head dropping forward as he managed a kiss to Mike’s hair. His hand was curled around Mike’s shoulder, and he felt like he was holding on for dear life as he whispered for more. 

_More._ Mike waited, making a few more passes, letting Chester’s body relax before he added another finger and started the process all over again. The slow pushing, pulling, wiggling, the stretching, and Mike’s cock was so ready that he was sure he wouldn’t last past the first push. It felt like it had been forever since he’d been inside Chester, and forever since they’d started this whole thing earlier that morning. He tilted his head to kiss under Chester’s chin as he scissored his two fingers a little and heard Chester’s gasp. “Another? Or me?” he rasped, his body so ready to climb between Chester’s legs and connect them. 

“You,” was Chester’s one word response. He whimpered the moment he felt Mike’s long fingers pull out. It was almost a shock, even though he was the one who asked for it. He grabbed at Mike’s front, his breaths suddenly short and choppy. His body was ready, and if he wouldn’t have had his foot trapped in a boot, he would have been the one to climb on top and bring their bodies fully together. 

There was more lube, this time poured generously into Mike’s hand as he shifted around again, making himself right at home between Chester’s spread knees. He made sure to cover himself well, and then he leaned over, his dick in his hand, rubbing his head over Chester’s opening while he plopped another kiss to his lips quickly. “I’ll be slow,” he promised, taking his time to get everything lined up before the first push. The hardest part. The little jump in Chester’s body was expected, but it still caused Mike to suck in a worried breath. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, waiting for Chester’s nod to go ahead before he pushed again, and this time the head of his cock went right into Chester’s warmth. “Oh, fuck,” he hissed, the feeling he’d missed coming back to him so quickly, with happy memories to go with it. Mike waited, the arm he was holding himself up with shaking, for Chester to be ready. 

There was no lack of deep breaths pushing out of Chester’s lungs. The sensation between his legs was both glorious and a little painful. The latter, he knew, would pass. It was only a matter of seconds, less than a minute, before he felt things relax, the strict tension in his ass go lax. “Okay,” he told Mike, their eyes connected. “I want you.” He reached his arms up, wanting Mike to come down close to him. 

“Okay, okay.” Mike pressed forward, letting his length slide in slowly, feeling Chester’s body open up and adjust, until he was all the way inside. He sighed, a long, breathy release of every sorrow he’d been carrying around. “God, you feel amazing,” he whispered, pressing quick kisses to Chester’s jaw and face as he settled in close. “Amazing,” he repeated, holding still, feeling their bodies completely connect for the first time in weeks. It felt like coming home after a long trip. Everything comforting and familiar, everything loving between the two of them, Mike felt it as he listened to Chester’s breaths and felt his heartbeat. “I love you,” he whispered in Chester’s ear. 

One of Chester’s hands slipped up the back of Mike’s head. “I love you, too,” he replied. It didn’t even occur to him that he’d already said those same words a handful of times since Mike had climbed into bed with him that morning. They were true, just as much now as they were the first time they’d made love, and all the times in between. 

Chester shut his eyes, his body taking in every bit of Mike as the push and pulls started, as their bodies rocked together. Chester let himself be swallowed in the moment, relishing in every breath on his skin, and every whimper of pleasure. He turned his head so he could kiss Mike’s face, and pet his lips over his soft facial hair. “You make me feel so good,” he whispered, just as Mike’s cock sunk a little deeper, and Chester let out an extra feel-good groan, his nails coming out and hanging onto Mike’s naked back.

The feeling of Chester’s nails was something Mike had loved for so long, and he felt the coils of desire in his stomach grow tighter. He turned his lips right into Chester’s, connecting them in yet another part of their bodies, the kiss going deep between them. He felt like he was so close to Chester he was being consumed by him. Little by little their pace increased, and Mike could feel his lover’s cock sandwiched between them, their stomachs rubbing together and creating a friction that had Chester hard and wet again. Somewhere in his mind it occurred to him that Chester might have another orgasm, and that was something they had never done before. Mike wanted it. He wanted the intense pleasure that came from feeling Chester’s orgasm from the inside, but he also wanted it for Chester. Twice in one hour would be something special. Something memorable.

He sucked at Chester’s lip ring before he released him, opening his eyes to stare down into Chester’s face. Mike was closer to coming than he wanted to be, with no clue whether or not Chester was feeling it, too. They were in uncharted territory. If Chester had two healthy legs Mike would be lifting them now and getting as deep as he could, hoping to get his prostate, but that wasn’t going to be happening this morning. Mike slid a hand between them and circled it around Chester’s cock, pulling up around his mushroom head with each thrust. “Ches, babe, I don’t think I’ve got much longer.” 

Mike’s hand on his cock brought another burst of pleasure, and Chester’s body jerked. His mouth opened, and something came out. He wasn’t sure if he’d managed his lover’s name or not. One hand went to the blanket under them, grasping at it as his balls tingled. _I’m going to come. He’s going to do it. God, let it happen. I want it. I want him._ “Don’t stop yourself, fuck, Sexy Boy, I’m ready!” His head went back, his neck stretching with his body as he felt Mike’s hips push against him a little harder, his pace quickening. 

Mike bit down on his bottom lip. There was no way he was going to come before Chester. It took all the concentration and coordination he had to keep his thrusts going while he coaxed another orgasm from Chester, but he knew he could do it. He felt the tension in his lover’s legs and he knew exactly the moan that came before he watched it happen, as Chester’s body shook and released cum over Mike’s hand, a smaller amount this time that landed on his stomach. Mike felt the tremors and the squeezing of Chester’s muscles around his cock and almost lost himself, but he bit down - hard - on his lip and gave Chester time to feel good again before he let him go. 

Chester’s eyes were closed, and Mike knew he was exhausted. He braced his hands against the mattress and gave just a few more thrusts to get his own orgasm across the finish line. It felt incredible, the entire morning of waiting and anticipation building to that moment, and he felt the force of his cum leaving his body and joining Chester’s. Mike could feel the sweat in his hair and down the middle of his back, and he let his lip go as a long moan followed his release. It felt like his entire body had been emptied as he came down and his hips slowed, and he all but collapsed on top of Chester, breathing hard. “Holy fuck.” His forehead hit the pillow next to Chester’s face and he stopped moving, his heart thundering in his ribcage. 

“I second that,” Chester said between short breaths. “We’ve gotta do this more often.” The words had come out before Chester could even think about what he was saying, his mind cloudy with the rush of orgasms and exhaustion. He briefly debated taking his words back, but decided against it. In the moment, it didn’t matter. He lifted a hand to Mike’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “I’ve never had two so close together like that,” he admitted, even though he knew Mike already knew that. “You maniac,” he added with a soft nuzzle to Mike’s worn out looking face that was bright red and dotted with sweat.

Mike closed his eyes and laughed, a grin on his face even as he cut the laughter short. It felt weird to still be inside Chester and laughing. “It’s insane. I think that’s the longest we’ve had sex - ever.” He lifted his hand to the top of Chester’s head and stroked his fingers over the soft little mohawk. “You’re not even sweaty,” he whined. “I got to do all the work because you’re broken. I think you owe me breakfast or something now.” 

Chester was all smiles. “I work smart, not hard,” he teased, his fingers feathering over Mike’s arm as he spoke. “And I _am_ broken. I’ve got, like, four more weeks in this stupid thing. I wasn’t actually planning on having sex with anyone with it on, so oops on my part.” He looked over, ready to see the smile on his lover’s face, but all he saw was an exhausted Mike Shinoda. His eyes closed, his lips parted as he breathed, his body slumped and practically all his weight was on Chester now. “Mike,” he called, his feathering fingers latching onto Mike’s arm and shaking him a little. “Hey, don’t pass out on me. Literally,” he emphasized. “I can’t move you. Mike!” 

“I’m moving, I swear,” Mike mumbled, even though his body didn’t go anywhere. He felt Chester shake him a little more and he lifted his head. He felt like he’d been run over by a truck. “Okay, okay. Hold on.” He lifted up on his elbows and then carefully pulled out, immediately plopping face first back into the pillow at Chester’s side. “Chesss,” he slurred, “can I stay a little more? You wore me out.” He reached an arm over to try to get it around Chester’s body. The thought of going back to the loft was more than his heart could bear. It was the first time in weeks he’d felt emotionally and physically fulfilled. _I don’t ever want to move from this place. This is where I want to be, with him. He makes my heart whole again._

There was no resistance. Chester quickly let himself be maneuvered around, until he was snuggled up to Mike. His back was to Mike’s chest, the same way they’d always slept together. “You can always stay,” Chester assured him, as he let his body relax. His boot wasn’t propped up, but he didn’t care. His eyes were shut, he could feel Mike’s familiar breathing pattern on the back of his neck, and sleep would be coming on quickly.

Mike was sticky, and sweaty, and he knew there was cum on the sheets and all over both of them, but he didn’t care. He had Chester in his arms. It was exactly where he wanted to be. “Breakfast later,” he mumbled, kissing the back of Chester’s neck one more time before sleep pulled him under. 

****

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, when we wrote this chapter and the one before and after it, we had to break it up and then name them. This part ended up being all slash, and one of us jokingly said, “it’s long ass slash” and the other said, “that’s it. That’s the title. LAS.” So, LAS = Long Ass Slash. You’re welcome.


	32. Second Thoughts

Before Chester could open his eyes and fully wake up, his bladder was yelling at him. It was time to pee - past time - and it was leaving him with the uncomfortable idea of having to move. _I don’t want to get up. Maybe it will go away._ Like many mornings of the past, he laid still, feeling the warmth of Mike behind him, and the familiar position of their bodies pressed together, and he wished his need to pee out of existence. Or at least he tried. 

He took a few deep breaths, and squirmed a little, but when neither thing helped, he gave up, and opened his eyes. He squinted from the bright, early afternoon sunshine pouring into the room. “What time is it?” he mumbled as he went to reach for his phone, and then remembered he was naked. He picked his head up enough to look at the nightstand, and his phone was there, but with Mike curled around him, there would be no moving. “Mike,” he whispered, twisting his head back to try and see his lover. “Hey, Mike… wake up.” He nudged him lightly, and when he only got a groan in response, he twisted enough to get his arm behind him and onto Mike’s side. He rubbed him lightly. “Sexy Boy,” he said, a smile across his face. “Time to get up.”

Mike scrunched his eyes together and let his bottom lip go out into a pout. He didn’t want to get up. Despite the way they had fallen asleep, he was currently comfortable and warm, and he could feel and smell Chester. Moving meant their morning was over, and he wasn’t ready. He was also exhausted. “Nooooo,” he mumbled, holding Chester close.

“You’re so terrible,” Chester laughed, his light rubbing, turning to more sensual touches on Mike’s lower side and back - anything he could touch. “Just let me up real fast. I have to pee,” he insisted. “I’ll go pee and be right back, promise.” 

“Fine,” Mike huffed softly without opening his eyes. He pulled his arms away and was ready to pull the blanket over him when he remembered Chester’s leg. “Oh, babe, do you need help?”

Chester got himself sat up, his back aching a little. He stretched his neck before he carefully pulled both legs off the side of the bed. “I can do it...just help me find my clothes. Then you can go back to sleep. What did you do with my underwear?” He scanned the room from where he was, but didn’t see them. 

“I don’t knoooowww,” Mike whined, rubbing both of his eyes with the heel of his hands at the same time. He blinked a few times as he sat up and suddenly became aware of all the sticky feelings on various places on his body. “I’ll find them, hold on.”

He slid out of the bed and walked around, gathering his clothes up and finally locating Chester’s black underwear. “What else do you need? Where’s your pajama pants? I didn’t lose those. You weren’t wearing them when I got here.” He handed Chester his underwear and tossed his clothes onto the desk chair and looked around.

“In the dresser,” Chester said as he leaned forward and stretched his underwear over his boot, tugging on them a bit. He got his other leg through, and pulled them on by leaning back on the bed and lifting his hips. “Look, I’m getting pretty good at this,” he laughed as he tilted his head back to try and see where Mike was. 

Mike tossed a pair of pajama pants in Chester’s direction. “You are.” He climbed back on the bed and collapsed face first into the mattress. The morning was a blur of new memories of Chester, laughing with him, talking, making love to him again. _And I made him come twice. Now I want to sleep for the rest of the day._ He twisted his head to look at Chester. “Are you sure you don’t need help?” he asked again, just to be sure. He really didn’t want to move. 

With his black and gray pajama pants on, Chester laid back down, his head landing right next to Mike’s stomach. “I’m sure. I’m hobbled, but not totally helpless.” He reached around, his hand going over Mike’s lower back. “I’ll even bring you something back...clean you up while you sleep.” He smiled quickly before he sat himself back up. Just moving around was work, but the bathroom was calling. 

Chester reached for his crutches, which were right by his side of the bed, and after two attempts, he made it up on his good foot, balancing his weight. With one crutch under each arm, he headed to the door, the need to pee really kicking in. He got it unlocked, and he was out the door in record time. He glanced toward the living area, and he saw Amir roaming around, like he was going back and forth between the kitchen and the couch. _Noah must be in the kitchen. God, I hope he’s not trying to cook._ It was a passing thought before he turned the other way and headed for the bathroom, as quietly as possible. 

Once inside, it was quick work. He’d done this dozens of times while on his own with only the bathroom vanity to help balance himself as he emptied his bladder. It was an incredible sensation, and he felt five pounds lighter when he was done. He flushed the toilet and hobbled over in front of the sink. He turned the water on and washed his hands before he really looked at himself in the mirror. 

It paused him, the sound of the water running fading to the background. His cheeks were still a little flushed, and his pale skin was splotchy - his neck, his chest, his stomach - red blotches were everywhere. Chester scratched his nails slowly up his side, and then up over his face, and head. He wasn’t sweaty anymore, but he definitely had dried cum and lube on him. He made sure the water was warm before he splashed some on his face, and then his chest and stomach. _It’s like a dream. Is this real? Of course it is. He came over...I don’t think he came over to have sex. It didn’t feel that way. He kept asking me for permission. But he’s with Jason. I don’t understand him lately. Fuck. He’s so good. Twice. He made me come twice, even though that second one was more emotional than anything else. And he wasn’t wild and crazy with me. It’s been almost a month since we were last together and he didn’t do anything but love on me, the way he used to._ The memory pulled at Chester’s lips as he grabbed the soap to quickly spread suds over his skin, just enough to not feel so gross until he could take a real shower. 

_And his kisses. I miss kissing him. I don’t know when he’s leaving, but I hope I get to kiss him again before he does. I know he’s really going. He would have told me if things had changed between him and Jay, but he’s here with me._ The thought that maybe Mike was changing his mind, maybe he was ready to give their broken relationship another go zipped across Chester’s thoughts, but he pushed that away. _We had a good time. Maybe that was, like, goodbye sex. More than sex… goodbye love. I don’t want to get all emotional about it. I just don’t. We’ve had so much of that lately. I’ve had so much of that. I’m glad we did this. I love him, and he loves me. I know he does. And we showed it this morning._

A sigh shook Chester’s body before he decided that was all the back and forth he was going to give the subject. Mike was here with him, and he didn’t know for how much longer. _And we’re going to enjoy it,_ he decided resolutely. _All we’ve talked about since we broke up is how sorry we both are and how much we miss each other. Well, now we’re together, at least in this moment, and I’m not going to be sad. I want to enjoy him. Enjoy us._ It brought a blissful smile to his face, one he caught in the mirror and that was it. For every minute and second he had left with Mike, he was going to make them happy. 

He rinsed himself off, and after brushing his teeth and grabbing a wet rag to take back to the bedroom, he left the bathroom. _I’ll clean him up and kiss him all over. We can lay in bed for as long as he wants._ His stomach growled as he got to the bedroom door, his armpits already sore from the short trip. He looked over at the couch, but neither of his roommates were there now, and he took that as his good luck. He really didn’t want to answer any questions, since he was pretty sure he wouldn’t know how to anyway. 

Mike pulled the blanket up under his chin. _I know it’s not early. It feels early. But I was here by eight, and we’ve been asleep for a while. It must be after lunch._ His stomach promptly alerted him that it was after lunch, and that he had skipped breakfast. The bacon cheddar burger and onion rings from last night were long gone. _I’m so hungry. I wish we were at home so Ches could make me lunch._

The thought of home struck him in the heart. _Fuck. We’re not at home. We don’t have a home together anymore. God, Ches is going to hate me. Maybe. We did have a great morning._ The thought brought a little bit of happiness back. _He wanted me. I wanted him so badly. And I have no idea what that means. I don’t understand any of this. And what about Jay?_ Mike opened his eyes and looked across the room, staring blankly at the wall. _It would hurt him if he knew. Like how I hurt Ches when I cheated on him. Now I’ve cheated on Jay! But it didn’t feel like I was, it feels like when I’m with Jason that I’m cheating on Ches! God, what is wrong with me?_

Mike scrubbed his hand over his face and shifted his gaze to the open closet doors. _ It didn’t feel wrong. That’s what’s wrong! I wanted to be close to him. I wanted him to know that I love him. That’s not wrong! I’m going to leave, and I wanted him to know, and now he’s going to hate me because I’m going to leave. I have to organize his shoes before I go!_

He could feel the mild panic starting to creep over him. _What’s taking him so long in the bathroom? He’s in there wishing I would leave so he didn’t have to see me, he thinks he made a mistake. I’m not helping us move on! And I’m not lying when I said I love you. I do love him. I love him so much. Being with him feels right. Does it feel right because we’re still in love? Or because it’s familiar? I don’t understand myself, I hope he doesn’t want to talk about what I’m thinking, because all I’m thinking is that I would do it again in a heartbeat, and that’s wrong! We’re not together anymore._

Out in the hallway, Chester maneuvered around and got the door open. He stepped in, and in a rather skillful way that only people with broken ankles can pull off, he managed to get the door closed with one of his crutches. He headed right for the bed. “Hiding from the world, I see,” he said with a chuckle before he sat down, his whole body sighing. He set his crutches off to the side and twisted around, the red washcloth in hand. “Bring your sticky ass over here and I’ll clean you up.” 

“Ches,” Mike whined, pulling his blanket down. “I’m hungry.” It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but all of the words _I’m scared, I think I fucked this up, do you hate me_ he’d been thinking didn’t come out. In one motion he scooted closer and pushed the blanket down to expose his skin for Chester to wipe with the washcloth.

Chester had already managed to get both legs up on the bed, and stretched out in front of him. He looked down at Mike, trying not to laugh. Some things were different, and some things were just the same. It was comforting, hearing Mike whine about being hungry. That was something Chester knew. He leaned over and ran the damp cloth over Mike’s stomach, where he could see stickiness. “I can’t cook you anything here,” he said. “I mean, I’d love to, but I can’t. It’s Amir’s kitchen and I’m not really comfortable in it. But we can go get something if you want.” He slid the washcloth over Mike’s stomach, and down past his belly button, but didn’t go any lower before he dragged it back up to get Mike’s chest. 

Mike watched Chester’s face, and where his eyes were moving, as he cleaned him off. Part of him wished he’d go lower and the other part of him knew that he should take the washcloth from Chester and do it himself. “I don’t want to go anywhere yet,” he finally said quietly as Chester made another pass across his stomach. “Thanks for bringing the washcloth.” He reached for Chester’s hand to take it from him so he could get the rest. Chester’s hand stopped as soon as Mike touched him and they looked at each other for a second before the washcloth traded possession.

Mike pulled his legs up and around Chester so he could climb off the bed. With his back to Chester he cleaned the rest of what felt sticky and then grabbed his boxers from the chair. _I probably should have underwear on, at least. He’ll think I’m looking for round two if we stay naked._ Mike cocked his eyebrow for a second as the thought of round two entered his mind, then he pushed it away. _Stupid, that would be stupid. We haven’t even talked about the first time._ He folded the washcloth and set it on the desk, then turned to get back in bed with a heavy sigh. 

Chester was still sitting up when Mike climbed back in beside him. He watched Mike collapse on his back, his eyes shut immediately. Chester looked down at him, and instantly his hand went to Mike’s hair, stroking through it. “Just in case two orgasms didn’t make it clear, I had fun this morning.” He was already grinning as he waited for Mike to open his eyes. 

A slow smile crawled over Mike’s face. “Oh yeah?” he asked, peeking up at Chester. The moment he did, he felt some of the anxieties he’d created in the past five minutes start to disappear. “I had fun watching you have them,” he bantered back. “Mine was pretty great, too, I have to say.” The feeling of Chester’s fingers in his hair was so nice. He tilted his chin up to get some more contact. “I am _worn out_ now, though.”

Chester laughed. “I can tell. You outdid yourself, Sexy Boy.” He bent down, placing a soft kiss on Mike’s forehead before he sat back up straight. He leaned against his pillow, his eyes shut as he stroked Mike’s soft hair. The window was open, and there was a light breeze floating into the room. It was just enough of a chill over Chester’s skin to be comfortable, and remind him of being at the loft when the ocean air would flood everything. “I’ll have to write about it in my journal,” he mumbled, his fingers drifting down the side of Mike’s head to the shell of his ear.

“That feels so good.” Mike’s eyes were closed again, enjoying the touches, wondering if Chester was going for his favorite spot. He was quiet and still until Chester’s words finally sunk in. “Journal? You have a journal?” Nowhere in any memory of Chester could he recall seeing him with a journal. 

“Yeah. It’s the one for therapy, you know, to write my nightmares down in, or anything else I want to get out.” Chester stopped, his fingers losing their steady pace as he opened his eyes. He’d had the journal for months, since right after he’d started with his therapist. But in that moment, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever shown it to Mike or not. _Our communication was so bad the last few months._ He shut his eyes, and went back to spoiling Mike’s ear. “I never really used it till I moved in here. I have a lot of time to myself now, and it actually helps. It’s kind of like talking to myself.” 

Mike turned that over in his head for a minute before he asked, “have you written about me before?” He cracked his eyes open again and looked up at Chester, who was upside down the way Mike was laying.

“Yeah. I write about you a lot,” Chester answered honestly before he looked down to see Mike looking up at him. “It’s just for me,” he reassured him. “No one sees it but me.” 

Mike wanted to ask if it was all awful things, angry things about how he had cheated and hurt him, how he’d crossed trust lines in the bedroom with the collar and how he’d been so cruel before they broke up. But he didn’t. “I’m glad it helps you,” he said instead before he closed his eyes again. “It’s hard to look at you that way. You should come back down here.” 

Chester took his hand back so he could carefully scoot down on the bed. He fixed his pillow, and then laid down next to Mike, on his side so he could face him. His boot was swung out of the way so it wouldn’t get hit. His hand went back to Mike’s head. “It does help,” he continued. He sucked his piercing in for a second, debating how much he should say. Mike had never really asked too much about his therapy, but at this point, Chester had to figure the more honest they were, the better. “It’s not all bad, Mike,” he whispered, knowing that thought had crossed his ex-boyfriend’s mind. He’d seen the look on his face, the shadow across his eyes. “I used to write about you in red. It was a lot of hurt and angry things...but now I write about you in pink.” He nuzzled his lips to Mike’s ear and kissed him softly. 

“Pink,” Mike whispered. “It sounds soft.” He turned on his side a little and reached over to touch Chester’s face. “I want you to have soft thoughts about me. I don’t want you to think about me in red. I never think about you in red.” He wasn’t exactly sure what he was saying, but he hoped it was making sense to Chester. “I always think about you in glitter.” He watched as he ran his thumb across Chester’s bottom lip and lip ring, and then looked back into his eyes. “Can I kiss you again? Or did I use them all up this morning?” 

Chester’s hand went to Mike’s hip. “I’d love a kiss,” he said simply, his eyes already closing as he leaned in, knowing Mike would connect their lips, that he would guide them together. He felt the soft embrace of their lips, and Chester’s insides melted a little. His fingers gripped Mike’s hip tighter as he pushed his tongue forward, wanting to join it with Mike’s. 

Mike felt Chester’s tongue through his parted lips and the electricity that came with it, and he slid his fingers down Chester’s neck softly, barely skimming the skin. He feathered them along his collarbone and then down, wrapping his arm around Chester’s waist and pressing in closer as they lazily kissed, their tongues stroking along each others. He felt Chester’s fingers on his hip, holding him in place, and he wished that the broken ankle was a non-issue. He’d let Chester do anything he wanted right now, but all they were going to do was kiss. Warm and wet and loving, they were going to kiss until Chester had enough. 

The round of deep kisses left them panting when they finally let up. Chester was sliding his hand up and down Mike’s side, not far up enough to tickle, and low enough to cross the threshold of the waistband of Mike’s boxers, before doing it all again. Slowly. Easily. Their foreheads weren’t touching, but their faces were close, and Chester had to hold himself back from starting the kissing all over again. His heart was beating a little fast, and if he wasn’t careful, his dick would be joining in on the fun, too. “When are you leaving?” he asked, even though a part of him didn’t really want to know. “For Seattle?” he added with a gulp. 

Reality hit Mike with the shock of a cold shower. “Leaving,” he whispered, his brain trying to shift gears and remember what day it was and how long he had left in L.A. “Um, two weeks. Exactly.” He leaned in and kissed Chester gently, quickly. “All my stuff is already on its way.” 

Chester pulled back, his hand firmly planted on Mike’s hip. “What? How, but, why? You’re stuff-less for two weeks?” He glanced over at the desk. “I have clothes, if that’s your only outfit,” he offered. “And shoes. They’re not organized, but we could find you something. Why is your stuff gone?” He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much, but the idea of Mike Shinoda not having any physical comforts like shoes and clothes and his art things, was upsetting.

“Silly,” Mike laughed quietly. “Not my clothes. But everything else. The company was paying to move Jay’s things, so he thought it would be better to just have them take it all at once. He’s already gone,” he added, omitting the detail that he’d only left a few hours ago. “I’ve got my keyboard and my clothes, but that’s it. Well, and my car.” 

“Oh,” Chester whispered, his small panic fading as new thoughts tumbled around his head. His fingers lightly curled under the waistband of Mike’s boxers, like he was worried he would bolt from the bed any second. “That’s nice of his company. Way better than when we moved all your stuff into the loft.” Chester shut his eyes, the memory was bittersweet in his mind, but he couldn’t seem to push it away. _Don’t get emotional. Be happy. I know he’s leaving, I’ve always known he’s leaving. Leaving to be with Jason._

Chester let out a long breath as he opened his eyes. “Two weeks, will I see you again after today?”

Mike rolled his lips together as he watched the emotions cross Chester’s face. “I’d love to see you again, Ches… but I want whatever you want. If you want this to be the end, I respect that. If you want me to stay the night, I’m there. If you want to kick me out today and change your mind Monday, I’m okay with that, too. I don’t know what we’re doing,” he admitted, curling his fingers into Chester’s skin softly, “but I know I don’t have any right to call the shots.” 

Chester’s heart didn’t need long to decide. “If it’s up to me,” he said, his curl on Mike’s boxers loosening as he ran his hand back up onto warm skin, “then I want as much time with you as I can get. You’re leaving,” he said, his voice pinching. “So if two weeks is it, then I want every bit of time you’ll give me.” 

The raw emotion in Chester’s voice caused Mike to swallow hard before he said, “I don’t want to cause you to hurt any more, Ches. I want you to be sure that’s what you want. Because I’ll come get you every day after work if that’s what you want. If you want me the next two weeks, I’m yours.” It was the most un-Mike Shinoda like thing he could ever recall saying, but it was sincere. It was the truth. Mike was willing to put every ounce of energy into making the next two weeks memorable if that was what Chester wanted. It felt like a gift, a way to undo all the damage he’d done the past few months. 

Chester nodded, leaving no time for doubt to spring up. “I’m sure,” he said. “I’m done being hurt, Mike. I want us to enjoy ourselves. I’m going to miss you, and if we can make some happy memories before you have to go, then that’s what I want.” He pressed forward, placing his kiss to Mike’s lips with a squishy sounding pop. “And I’m going to be a horrible burden and pain in the ass because I can’t walk right, but we’ll have fun. I want us to have fun.” 

“We should start with lunch,” Mike decided, his stomach reminding him it had been more than twelve hours since he’d eaten anything. “If you don’t feed me soon, I’ll be too weak to help your heavy ass walk anywhere.” He poked Chester in the stomach with a finger. “I need to be well nourished to take care of you,” he said seriously, but then licked his lips afterward. 

“I miss talking about food with you,” Chester said, his eyes closing as he snuggled up to Mike’s warm body, his arm around his middle. “Where should we go? What’s your endless stomach wanting?”

There were so many possibilities. “I want Mexican,” he decided. “I haven’t had it in forever. I want cheese enchiladas and rice and beans, and chips and salsa. I’ll make sure they bring your sour cream on the first try. Oh, can we please have Mexican?” he babbled, his mouth watering. 

“Fuck yes,” Chester answered with a giggle. He pressed a kiss to Mike’s naked chest, and then up to his neck. “Mexican sounds amazing. All the cheese, Sexy Boy.” He kissed his neck again, on the side, then the middle, and then down lower. “And the sour cream, God, yes. And drinks. We should get drinks.” 

Mike giggled in return, matching Chester’s quick kisses with his own to whatever piece of skin he could reach. “I want something pineapply,” he decided. “Is pineapply a word?” He didn’t care. He was going to take Chester out for Mexican food, and they were going to make the best of things for the next two weeks. He pulled away from the kissing assault as Chester’s kisses hit between his nipples and said, “we need to get dressed and go before you get much lower.”

“But lower kisses are my favorite,” Chester teased before he pulled back. Mike’s eyes were shining, and everything warm passed across Chester’s stomach and legs. He thought about saying something else funny, something sexy or maybe something motivational to get them moving and actually headed towards going out, but the only words he managed to say were, “I love you.” 

Mike caught both of Chester’s hands in his and squeezed them. “I love you, too. That’s what I want you to remember, okay? Let’s remember the good stuff.” His heart felt heavy for just a moment until he reminded himself that Chester had agreed to this with no hesitation. “I’ll bring you whatever you want to wear, just tell me what you need and let’s get out of here.” 

Chester left one more kiss, right on Mike’s belly button before he sat himself up. He rubbed his chin, then tugged on his lip ring as he stared into his closet. “What should I wear? I need a good going-out outfit. Hmmmm…” 

“Don’t get my opinion,” Mike said as he got up and grabbed his jeans. “You know I can’t coordinate anything. I didn’t even remember a flannel this morning.” His bright expression dropped into a pout. “I feel naked without it.” He tugged his t-shirt on after he buttoned his jeans and spread out his hands. “Ta-da! I’m ready.” 

Chester had watched the whole show, his insides feeling light with mirth and memory of all the times he’d watched Mike get dressed. “You’re right. You don’t even look like you without a flannel on. Sadly, I don’t have any for you to borrow.” He pointed toward the closet. “But you’re still cute,” he tossed in before he turned himself around and inched his way off the bed. “I can’t decide anything from over here. I have to go in and look at my clothes. It’s like, a mood thing. I have to see them to know what I want.” He reached for his crutches, mentally cursing his hurt leg. _Two weeks and I’m trapped in this thing. Ugh. Two weeks and I’m going to hobble around and make everything awkward. Two weeks...I don’t even want to think about the end of those two weeks._

Immediately Mike stepped over and helped with the crutches, and with Chester standing up from the bed. “Tell me what I can do to help, otherwise I’ll stay out of your way.” He figured Chester had a system, or something, by this point. He just wanted to get out of the apartment quickly, so whatever way that was going to happen, he was all in for it. 

“Come on,” Chester called over his shoulder as he headed for the closet - his oasis. He scanned the hanging clothes, his mind shifting through everything he owned. He could mentally pair each item, but it helped to be standing in front of them. He pushed aside a few shirts before pulling out a dark blue one, with a black collar. “This feels like Mexican with Mike,” he mumbled to himself before turning around. “Hold this, would you?” He handed off the shirt as Mike nodded and they both left the closet to get to the dresser. Chester opened the second drawer, and pulled out a pair of black shorts. “I’d rather put on jeans, but this boot has killed all my fashion configurations. It’s a crime, I say. I crime,” he ranted for a second before his next thought hit. “And shoes. Ugh, the blue ones.” He looked over at Mike, who was less than two feet away. “You know, with the little geometric shapes on the side and the black toes and heels.” 

Mike disappeared into the closet and stood over the pile of shoes, surveying the mess until he found the pair Chester wanted. “Socks?” he asked before he saw them already in Chester’s hand. He set the shoes on the floor next to the bed. “You need my help getting into those clothes?” It was a weird question. Usually he was helping Chester _out_ of whatever he had on.

“I’m okay. I have it down by now. It’s like my underwear, only it takes a little longer.” Chester managed his shorts on, leaning back on the bed and lifting his hips. His shirt was next, and he slipped it on easily. He bent over to grab just one of the shoes. “And I can only wear one at a time now. My left foot feels so neglected and unfashionable.” 

Mike took the shoe and dropped down to the floor. “Let me,” he insisted, helping Chester get the shoe on and tie the laces. “And as for your left foot, I’ll give it all the attention it needs later.” He stood up and popped a kiss to Chester’s cheek. “You ready?” 

“Past ready.” Chester took Mike’s hand, and stood from the bed. He grabbed his crutches, and let Mike lead the way. He glanced back at the bed, and frowned. He hated leaving it messy and unmade. He went to say something, to stop Mike so he could fix the blankets and line the pillows up, and find his little stuffed alien, but decided against it. Getting dressed already felt like it had taken so long, and he knew Mike was hungry. 

“Hold on,” Mike said suddenly, turning back to the bed. “Let me fix this real quick.” It was partly because of Amir and Noah being around, and partly because Mike knew Chester well enough to know that the bed being unmade was not an okay way to leave the room. He did a quick job of tugging the sheet up, and smoothing out the blankets before he fluffed the two pillows against the headboard. “It’s not great, but it will do,” he mumbled, stepping back around Chester to open the door for him. 

Chester reached out and grabbed the front of Mike’s t-shirt, pulling him in close. “Have I told you how much I love you?” he asked with a smile. “You just read my mind.” He kissed Mike’s face, his lips dragging over his beard for only a second before he let him go. 

“You might have mentioned it,” Mike said with a grin. “And all I can say is, I know a little bit about how your head works, Ches. I love you, too.” He motioned for Chester to go through the door. “After you, babe.” 

It was a slow pace, but Chester made his way out into the apartment. He didn’t even look over to see if his roommates were around. His concentration was on keeping his foot off the floor, and coordinating his steps with the crutches. He was focused on the front door, wanting to get there as quickly as possible so they could escape to their favorite Mexican restaurant. 

****

Chester looked down at his food. The smell was amazing. The melted cheese oozing out of his enchiladas was worthy of a lick of his lips, his tongue passing over his lip ring before he looked up. Mike looked just as mesmerized, his dark hair in his eyes as he looked at his food like he’d been on a hunger strike for weeks. “I’d offer,” Chester said, holding up the little white dish the waitress had brought with his food, “but I know you don’t want any sour cream.”

Mike looked up. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Chester that the only way he wanted to eat sour cream was off his body, but he didn’t. “It’s all yours, Ches. I never want to stand in the way of you and your sour cream.” He already had a bite on his fork and he was so ready for the cheesy deliciousness. “I’m gonna start while you spread that everywhere.” 

Chester grinned as he did exactly that. His fork went into the sour cream, and he layered it carefully - meticulously - over his enchiladas. “It’s an art form, Sexy Boy. You work with paint, I work with food.” He made sure to cover every bit of the soft tortillas in white, and then another glob went on top of his rice, and then his beans before he mixed the two together into a light tan haze of goop, just the way he liked it. “So,” Chester said, ready to stick his first bite into his mouth. “We got two weeks. What do you want to do?”

“Is it bad if I say I want to watch you cook? I feel like it’s been forever.” Mike closed his eyes to enjoy the taste of his enchilada and beans bite. He loved Mexican food more than any other cuisine. “You should learn how to make cheese enchiladas,” he said suddenly, pointing his fork at Chester. “Then we could have them all the time.” He dug out another bite and thought about correcting that statement to finish with _for the next two weeks_ but he didn’t want to ruin the vibe. “We should go to the beach, too,” he added, realizing that cooking for two weeks probably wasn’t what Chester had in mind. 

Chester swallowed his bite. “I’m all for the beach. We should go one evening and watch the sunset.” He looked down as he sliced off a bite of enchilada. “And I’d love to cook for you, but I’m kinda kitchenless at the moment.” _Cheese enchiladas. All this time and I’ve never made them for us at home. What’s wrong with me? They’re not hard. I should have been making him cheese enchiladas years ago._ The thought of years - he and Mike had been together for over two years - brought Chester to a quiet pause, his fork lowering to his plate. Year three just wasn’t in the plans for them, and Chester hated that thought. 

Mike looked over at Chester’s expression, picking up the change instantly. “It’s okay, babe,” he said, reaching over and taking his hand. “You don’t have to cook, I’ll be okay. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you miss your kitchen.” He felt bad for bringing it up at all when Chester had already mentioned it was hard to be without a space to cook. Mike squeezed his fingers. “You alright?” 

Chester nodded as he let Mike hold his hand. “Yeah, it’s not the cooking. I was just thinking about you leaving...and I don’t want to,” he said, turning his hand over to take Mike’s instead. “I don’t want to be sad. I’m sorry, it just popped into my mind by itself.” He let Mike go and went back to his food, scooping a massive blob of beans and rice into his mouth as he pictured them on the beach. They would bring a blanket and snacks - Mike was always up for snacks - and maybe something special to drink. It would be romantic and memorable, something Chester could hang onto and place at the top of his Mike Shinoda memories. 

“I don’t want to think about it, either.” Mike’s stomach felt funny as he looked down at his plate. _I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to leave, especially if we’re spending all this time together the next two weeks. It’s supposed to be fun._ He took another bite and then picked up his pineapple margarita for a sip. “What do you want to do? Besides the beach?” 

Chester followed suit and picked up his strawberry margarita with sugar around the rim of the glass. “I know it’s never been your favorite thing, but I’d love for us to take a drive. A long drive up into the hills. At night,” he decided as a specific spot came into mind. “We can pull over and look at the city when it’s all lit up. It’s so beautiful.” He closed his eyes as he sipped his drink. “And I’m not just suggesting that so we can make out in the car. I’m not,” he insisted with an impish smile. “But if that happens, too, then I’m good with it.” 

“I don’t dislike driving,” Mike clarified. “I didn’t like going to YRS every weekend, that didn’t have anything to do with driving. When you’re driving then that means I can reach over and touch you. I guess since I have to drive, I’ll have to multi-task. I would hate for you to be all alone on the other side of the car.” He lifted his eyebrow with a smirk and scooped up a giant bite of enchilada, this time with beans _and_ rice.

“Please,” Chester smirked, stabbing a slice of cheesy goodness on his fork. “You can touch me all you want. Oh!” he decided quickly, his eyes shining with thought, “we should watch a movie. At least once.” He shoved his bite into his mouth and washed it down with a gulp of margarita. “I want to snuggle and watch a movie one night, and then on another night, maybe we can sit at the loft on our couch and watch one. We -” Chester stopped for a second, and another small sip of alcohol went with it. “You said Jason’s not there, right?” He hated bringing up the other man’s name, but the last thing he wanted to do was show up to something unexpected. 

Mike shook his head with a hard swallow. “No, he’s gone to Seattle.” He resisted looking at his watch to see how long his boyfriend had been gone, and how much longer it would be until he really was in Seattle. “You don’t have to worry about that. He starts work Monday.” Mike didn’t want to think about Jason while he was with Chester. It made everything feel harder than he wanted it to feel, and he didn’t want to think about what he was doing and how unfair it was to everyone. It was almost easier to pretend that he and Chester had never broken up. He licked the sugar rim of his drink and took another sip before he sighed. “I’m all for movies. Anything you want, okay? I mean that.” 

“I’m holding you to that,” Chester giggled, pointing his fork at Mike for a second. “I wish my ankle wasn’t messed up. I’d love for us to be able to go for a walk and do some shopping, but it’s hard.” He growled silently at himself before letting it go. The situation was what it was, and nothing was going to change that. 

“Do I need to piggyback you through the Mohawk General Store?” Mike teased. “I wouldn’t want you to go too long without shopping, you’ll fall out of practice.” 

Chester smiled around his food before swallowing it down. “Don’t tempt me,” he laughed, already picturing himself strapped to Mike’s back. “That could be its own kind of fun. Or we could go to a hotel that has a hot tub,” he suggested next. “That would be fun. We could sit in the bubbles and be naughty under the water. You’d just have to re-wrap my ankle for me when we’re done.” 

Mike reached under the table and patted Chester’s knee. “I’m up for it,” he stated. “I’ve got no problem taking care of you. Any way you need me to.” He let his fingers drift up Chester’s thigh just a little before he stopped. He didn’t want to assume Chester wanted him to do that anymore. “We can do the hotel next weekend, since I’m working all week. That’s the reason I’m still here, trying to finish it out the right way this time.” He left his hand on Chester’s knee and got another bite to eat with his other hand. Mike didn’t mean to bring up leaving again, but he did. It was the reality of the situation, and one that apparently wasn’t going to be forgotten. 

“We should go somewhere,” Chester offered as he reached under the table and slid one finger from Mike’s hand up his arm, past his elbow and then back down. “Not just a hotel here, but maybe down in Long Beach or something. Away from the city. We could spend the whole weekend, if you want.”

“The whole weekend.” Mike put his fork down and leaned over close to Chester. “Really? You’d want to do that?” They hadn’t taken a vacation since they’d gone to Palm Springs for a few days. It sounded like something Mike definitely wanted to do, and something he wanted to get entirely lost in, as dangerous as that was. “I’d love to do that, but are you sure?” 

“Yeah,” Chester answered after only a few seconds of thought. “We’re making memories, Mike. I want them to be good ones. I won’t be able to hike around on trails or do any of that other stuff like last time, but I can be sexy in the hot tub, and abuse roomservice with you, and sit out and watch the ocean, if we get a room with a view.” 

Mike nodded. “We’ll find a place with a great view. It will be great. I’ll need to bring my keyboard with me, though, wherever we end up going. I’ve got auditions coming up, I’ll have to practice. Even if I have to turn the sound way down.” He leaned a little closer and kissed Chester’s cheek. “I want to make good memories. We can sleep in and turn the air down really low so it’s nice and cold and dark in the room. Maybe do some other stuff, too, if you want.” 

Chester turned his head, his lips pressing to Mike’s warm skin. He could see the flush on Mike’s cheek from the alcohol, and Chester wanted to be closer than they already were. He dragged his hand from Mike’s arm, down to his leg, squeezing it. “I’m ready for that. All the fun under the blankets, Sexy Boy.” He kissed his face again, this time closer to his ear. “I’ve missed you.” 

Mike turned his head just enough to encourage Chester to kiss behind his ear. “I’ve missed you, too. This morning was amazing. I want to give you more of that. I want to make you happy, Ches.” He suddenly wanted to rush through the rest of their meal so he could take Chester out of the restaurant and somewhere more private. _We talked about this. He says he wants to enjoy the next two weeks. That means sex, too. And we’re so good at it together._ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _I’m not going to think about the end of two weeks. Nothing to spoil this._

Chester smiled before he kissed behind Mike’s ear, his tongue flipping across his gold earring. “This morning was _fucking_ amazing.” He pressed his lips closer, letting his nose get involved, before he pulled back. Just the memory of that morning’s activities was sending sparks of arousal through him, and they weren’t in a place where he could act on those tremors. He took a deep breath instead, and then a long drink, letting the alcohol twist through his system, making him feel a little lighter. 

“We should finish eating,” Mike said, his voice low. “I think it’s generally frowned upon to make out in a restaurant dining room.” He met Chester’s drink with one of his own and then licked sugar off the rim again, holding Chester’s eyes as his tongue followed the top of the glass. 

Chester groaned. “Sexy Boy, please,” he whined. “You’re going to make me misbehave over here if you keep that up.” He playfully elbowed Mike before going back to his food. “And damn all the restaurant etiquette. They’re just trying to repress us. It’s why I like eating at home. A little food, a little lovin’, no one cares.” He popped his bite of enchilada into his mouth, his memory coasting back through all the times dinners and lunches and breakfasts had been put on hold or interrupted by the need to touch and kiss. When they would end up in the bedroom or even _on_ the dining room table while their food got cold. 

“It is better at home. The food, and the… lack of repression.” Mike grinned before he got another bite. “I don’t know, though, if you’d been making enchiladas, we might have fooled around less on the table. It’s shameful to let a good cheese enchilada get cold,” he teased. He knew Chester was thinking about the good times they’d shared in the dining area of the loft - but never the kitchen. The kitchen was Chester’s sacred place. 

“There’s always the magic of heating things back up,” Chester chuckled, his hand still on Mike’s leg, though it was a lazy hold now, his fingers opening and closing lightly. “And fooling around on the table was always its own thrill. And the couch.” He rolled his eyes. “God, we’re fucking animals,” he laughed. “Or, were,” he amended quickly. “But I don’t regret any of those times. Even when the food got cold.”

Mike put his fork down and turned to look right at Chester. “Hey. Let’s do something. Let’s not talk in past tense anymore, or make it hard. If we’re going to do this, then let’s do it without the guilt, and without the reminders. I don’t want to watch what I’m saying and I don’t want you to, either. Let’s just make the most of the moments as they come, okay?” He wanted to spend his last weeks in L.A. with Chester, and he didn’t want to be reminded constantly how he’d screwed up their relationship and how it was all in the past. It was probably a selfish request, but he didn’t know if he could listen to Chester stumble over his words as a reminder of what he was doing every day. 

Chester took a minute, his eyes dropping from Mike’s face to his plate. It was an odd request, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He wanted to have fun, and he wanted to enjoy being with Mike while he still could, but letting go of reality was a complicated ask. “Are you sure you want to do that?” he asked, looking up into Mike’s big brown eyes. “I was trying not to, you know, make us something we’re not. I know how things are, even if we’re doing this.” 

Mike looked around the dining room before he settled his gaze back on Chester’s downcast face. “I know it’s selfish of me to ask. I’m sorry, I just… I think it breaks my heart a little more every time I hear you say something about _us_ being in the past. We’ve both apologized and you told me you didn’t want to hear it anymore, but that’s all I want to do whenever you say something like that. I guess that’s just the reality of things, but I don’t want to face that reality right now. I just want to be happy with you, and I don’t want you to regret it. I don’t know what I’m saying.” Mike rubbed the side of his face with his hand. “Just forget what I said. I’m making something that’s supposed to be fun into a big mess.”

“It’s not a mess,” Chester said, watching as Mike stared at his plate. “But I can’t pretend like that, Mike. I’m not your boyfriend anymore. It sucks, but that’s how it is now.” He brought his hand up on the table to take Mike’s. “I’ll try to be more careful how I say things, because I agree. I want it to be fun, and thinking about things being over or in the past isn’t fun. But I can’t lose myself into a fantasy, Mike. I don’t think that would be good for either of us.” 

Losing himself in a fantasy sounded like something Mike was in favor of, but he nodded his head anyway. “I know you’re right.” He lifted Chester’s hand to kiss it gently before he put it down and picked his fork back up. “It sounded better in my head than it did when I said it out loud.” He smiled sheepishly and scooped up the last of his enchilada, deciding to change the subject. “We should get dessert, you know. Churros. I’m totally craving churros.”

“Sure,” Chester answered before shoving food into his mouth. He was pretty sure this wouldn’t be the last time they would talk about this over the next two weeks. No matter how much Mike wanted to pretend and hide from how things were, that wasn’t how Chester was going to let it be. _It will hurt more when he leaves if we play make believe the whole time. Harder on me. Guess I’m secretly the selfish one. I just wanted him to know that these two weeks won’t be my only good memories with him. There’s lots of them, and I like to think about them. I hope he does, too._ He took a sip from his drink before he said, “We need to be honest with each other, over the little things and the big things, okay? I don’t want either of us to do something we’re not comfortable with. You or me,” he stressed, his hand going to his chest. “If you change your mind about any of this, Mike, I get it. I really do. If it’s not fun, then there’s no point.”

Mike pushed his empty plate away. “I’ve always tried to be honest with you, Ches. I know the last couple of months were crazy, and I’m not going to pretend that I did everything right.” He sighed and looked to see if he could find their waitress. Churros were calling his name. “I want to talk to you about things with Jason, but I don’t know if it will help or hurt, you know? And certainly not here. Maybe later. Or another day. But I feel like you deserve an explanation of what happened.” It was poor timing, to go from asking to suspend reality to wanting to go the opposite direction, and Mike wasn’t sure why he was pushing for an all or nothing scenario. “Just having it all vague is weird to me. I feel like either ignoring it all or exposing it all. I don’t really have an in between on this.” 

Chester moved his fork around the bits and pieces of food left on his plate. He’d been trying to decode what had _really_ happened between them, how he’d gone from being in love in the morning to being single that afternoon. It was a subject he’d tossed around for hours. Maybe days at this point, and the only answer he ever came back to was Ryan. It was the one thing Mike had repeatedly brought up, the one thing Chester had already apologized for over and over. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear even more about it in detail. _Unless there’s something else._ He looked up and over at Mike, who was frantically waving down the waitress, and Chester smiled. _He’s serious about telling me, and if it was just about Ryan, he wouldn’t be. Maybe it will be good for both of us to actually talk about it. I told him I wanted us to be honest and he’s offering it._

Chester sat quietly as Mike ordered their dessert, and when the waitress was gone, Chester reached back under the table, his hand cupping Mike’s knee. “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say,” he offered. “I think it will do us good to get it all out in the open and then we can live it up over the next two weeks. No strings or baggage or regret. I’m all for that.” 

“Okay.” Mike nodded, his focus on Chester. “Not here. But I’ll tell you everything and then we won’t need to have this great fantasy-land thing going on the next two weeks. I want to try to make things right between us, not pretend it’s not happening.” He leaned over and kissed Chester’s cheek. “See? This is why you’re so good for me. Five minutes ago I wanted to do something stupid and you talked me out of it. Thanks, Ches.” 

“That’s me,” Chester said, his insides settling a little. “The levelheaded one.” He laughed as he squeezed Mike’s knee. “But no more of this now. I want to eat dessert with you, and be so full that you have to carry me out of here.” 

“I love churros,” Mike enthused immediately. “All crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, and the cinnamon sugar, and the honey!” He could feel his mouth watering. “She needs to hurry up. And you know I can carry you out just so you don’t have to use those.” He motioned to the crutches behind the chair. “If you wanted. I could do it.” 

“Naw, I’ll be fine. Besides, I want to save my Sexy Boy piggy-back ride for Mohawk General.” He grinned as he leaned over, pressing a quick kiss to Mike’s neck. “And I agree on the honey. I need something sticky and sweet.” 

Mike’s laugh was involuntary. “You can be sticky and sweet,” he husked, his lips close to Chester’s face.

Chester was ready to say more, ready to run his hand up Mike’s leg and say something about sticky things, but he stopped when the waitress came to the table with their dessert. Chester pulled himself off of Mike, and focused on the food instead, the act of sharing a meal with the person he loved most in the world. “You’re going to call me weird,” he said as the waitress walked away, “but watching you eat is one of my favorite things to do. And I don’t mean that in a stalker kind of way.” He took one of the churros onto the small plate the waitress had brought out. “I mean that in a, I-love-to-see-you-happy kind of way.” 

Mike had already dipped his churro in the little dish of honey provided. “It’s a strange compliment, but I’ll take it.” He took a bite and savored the cinnamon sugar goodness, feeling the crystals on his lips. Chester had scooped honey onto his churros and was trying to get it all in his mouth without it dripping everywhere. “You don’t need to be careful. I’ll help with any sticky spots later,” he promised.

****

It was almost dinner time when Mike walked into the loft. Lunch had been late, and somehow he and Chester had managed to stretch out talking and dessert, as well as the drive back to Amir’s. Mike had walked Chester as far as the apartment door, but that was all. He didn’t want to see Amir or Noah, and Chester hadn’t invited him in, anyway. _We stopped at the front door like it was a first date or something. It felt just like that, but we were reversed. I was the one kissing him this time, wanting more. He did too, I could feel it. But not tonight. Tomorrow. I’ll see him tomorrow._ The idea that it would just be a few hours alone without Chester was comforting. He could practice and shower, go to sleep, and then go back to his lover.

_My lover. My Chester. Today was amazing._

With a smile, Mike flipped on the light switch when he stepped inside. After months of the four of them living there together, it was strange to walk into a dark loft with nobody home. He dropped his keys and phone on the bar, next to a folded sheet of paper he didn’t remember seeing that morning. Mike picked it up and held it so he could see it in the kitchen lights.

_I’ll call you when I get in tonight.   
The plan is to drive through and be there by midnight,   
but if I get tired I’ll stop and get a hotel.   
I love you  
J_

Mike stared at the paper for a few minutes before he set it down and took a deep breath, steadying himself against the side of the bar with both hands. _Now he says I love you. Now that I’ve been with Ches all day, and everything feels so mixed up. Well, I guess the paper was there before I went to see Ches. And even if I’d seen it, I would have gone to him anyway. What does that mean? What does this whole day mean? I never thought I’d have it in me to cheat, but here I am. First Ches, now Jay. It’s wrong and I know it, but I also know I’m going to go right back to Amir’s tomorrow and pick him up. Nothing is going to stop me from seeing him the next two weeks._

He left everything on the bar and pulled his shirt off as he walked over to his piles of clothes to find clean pajamas. A shower was in order, before he could sit and think about everything else. Mike knew he’d want to call Chester, but it didn’t seem right to keep dragging him into everything. At some point, Mike was going to have to figure things out on his own. He was willing to put off that point as long as possible. He left his dirty clothes in a heap on the floor and tossed his pajamas and underwear on the back of the couch before he went back to the bathroom. The sound of the shower was comforting, the room filling with steam just minutes after he started the water. 

_I love you. Why now, why say it when he’s gone? It’s so easy between me and Ches. We’ve probably said I love you a thousand times, and it never feels hard. Even when we’re upset with each other. And he said it to me so many times today. Jay’s told me he loves me twice, but in context of other things. Not just flat out, I love you. Why is it so hard? Isn’t he the one that said it’s not supposed to be hard?_ Mike scrubbed shampoo into his hair and rinsed it out before getting the bodywash. _Today was like how it used to be. When things were easier between me and Ches. We made love and it felt right. It’s so different from being with Jason._

Mike turned to let the shower rinse the soap bubbles from his body. _It’s not like sex with Jason is bad. But it’s not Chester. It’s not what I had with Ches. Have. We still have it. Maybe even better, now that I’m not being such an idiot with him. I wonder if he could tell. I’ve learned my lesson, Ches. I swear it. I’ll never hurt you again._ He watched the last of the soap bubbles disappear down the drain and his mind pulled up image after image of showers he’d taken with Chester. Playful showers, loving showers, showers they’d taken after hard weekends at work when neither of them knew what to say to the other. Showers that ended in sex, and showers that ended in sleep. There was no shortage of memories in the large shower at the loft, and Mike realized that twelve hours ago he’d been anxious to get away from those memories, and now he was panicking at the thought of leaving them behind. 

_Maybe I shouldn’t go._

The thought was swift and new, and Mike wiped his wet hands over his face before he turned off the water and reached for a towel. It was too late to start thinking like that. All of his stuff was in Seattle. Jason had spent a ton of money on things _Mike_ had chosen. Jason was in love. Mike was supposed to be, he reminded himself, but the image in his head was of Chester, not Jason. He dried off quickly and tossed his towel into the hamper. If he was going to get practice time in before he went to bed, he needed to get to it. 

Mike sat down at the keyboard, straightening his t-shirt and arranging his pajama bottoms, trying to focus on his material. The technical exercises he could do without much thought, but when he got to his audition repertoire, he had to put away thoughts of Jason and Chester and what he was doing with his life to concentrate. There were places he had to stop and go over, fix little mistakes that he knew were a product of the mess in his head, but it kept him occupied for well over an hour, until his phone rang from the bar in the kitchen. Mike knew without picking up the phone it would be Jason. It was seven-thirty.

Jason’s name lit up the caller ID area on his home screen, and he slid the answer bar to the right, putting the phone to his ear as he ambled into the kitchen for a glass of water. “Hey,” he answered, giving no thought to his tone at all. “How’s the drive?”

On the other end of the line, Jason stretched out over the hotel bed, one arm up under the pillow. “Hey yourself. I stopped for the night and got a room. It’s a long drive.” He tried to place the sound of Mike’s voice, but couldn’t quite figure out why it sounded off. “How was your day, sweetheart? I miss you like crazy already.”

Mike closed his eyes for a second. “I miss you, too. My day was fine. Did a little practicing, had some Mexican food for a late lunch.” He thought about the churros, the honey that had ended up all over Chester’s fingers that he had to lick off, and Mike felt his heart race a little faster. “I had churros.”

“I love that the first thing you do when I leave is go get Mexican food,” Jason teased. “I’m sorry I’ve been depriving you of it lately. I guess I’ve been trying to get you ready for Seattle. Not much Mexican food around there. At least not the good stuff like we have in L.A.”

“Good stuff? You won’t even eat it.” Mike was smiling, despite himself. “I’ve got to get it while I can, you know.” His mind went back to Chester, wondering if he’d be willing to have Mexican food again tomorrow. “So, where did you stop?”

Jason lifted himself up and looked at the small notepad by the phone in the room. “Medford, Oregon,” he read before he flopped back down. “It’s pretty much right past the state line. The drive is really beautiful, you’ll enjoy it. But you should plan to stop here, too. It’s far too long of a drive for one person in one day. If we were together and could trade off, it would be fine. But I don’t want to push it, and you shouldn’t either. This is a nice enough place,” he added, looking around at the clean room with its large television across from the king sized bed with all white linens. 

The thought paused Mike for a second. Before Jason called he’d been starting to rethink his decision to move to Seattle, and he wasn’t finished exploring that idea. “Yeah, that sounds like a good plan,” he responded, and his voice sounded tired.

There was a silence on the line before Jason sighed. “Are you okay? You sound like something’s bothering you.” He closed his eyes and tried to shake off the nagging feeling that everything was wrong. 

Mike looked over toward the bed in the corner and shook his head. “I’m fine, Jay. Just tired. I guess I didn’t sleep very well last night or something.” He bit his lip and thought about the real reason he was tired - from being with Chester that morning, and all the orgasms between them.

“Well, maybe we both need to go to sleep,” Jason said, rubbing his fingers through his hair. “I’ve still got seven hours ahead of me tomorrow. But I should get there in time to Facetime you and show you everything. It should still be light enough outside.” He pushed away the little bit of worry he was feeling, listening to Mike. _He’s probably just tired, like he said. Tomorrow will be better. He’ll be excited to see the house._

“Sleep sounds great,” Mike agreed. His eyes caught the note on the bar, and he wondered if he should say something about it.

“I’ll let you go then. I need to shower.” Jason sat up, swinging his feet over the side of the bed. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Go get some rest.” He paused for a moment, and shut his eyes. “I love you, Mike. It’s no fun not having you with me right now. The trip up the coast would be so much better if we were doing it together.”

Mike leaned forward on the bar, his arm around his middle. “I love you, too,” he said back, the words sounding strange in his ears, like they didn’t belong. “I wish I was there. Soon.” Neither of them said anything, and Mike sighed. “Be careful driving tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Good night, sweetheart,” Jason said calmly, even though he felt anxious. Something wasn’t completely right, he could tell from Mike’s tone of voice.

“Good night.” Mike disconnected the call and stared down at his phone. His lock screen, which had been a picture of him and Chester for two years, was now a picture of the painting he’d made for Chester of the beach so long ago. It wasn’t him and Jason. It didn’t have anything to do with them, and he frowned at it for a few minutes before he unlocked his phone and went into his photos. With determination he flicked through the last several dozen pictures on his phone, looking for one to change his lock screen to, but there wasn’t one that felt right. _For someone who loves photography, Jay’s not much into selfies._

Mike closed out the photo app, frustrated. He wanted to call Chester, but he stopped himself. They had a long talk ahead of them tomorrow, and he didn’t want to start it now, not when they weren’t face to face. He paced around in the kitchen for a minute, thinking about making a snack, and then snatched his phone up again, opening the web browser and Google. Before he could talk himself out of it, he typed in _University of Southern California_ and let the webpage come up. 

_I’ll just look at it. See when their audition dates are, and if they offer any financial aid. It can’t hurt to have another plan, in case I change my mind._ His heart was set on school in a way it never had been before now that Jason had presented that reality and it was so close to happening. Mike leaned back against the counter in the kitchen and slowly slid his finger down the screen, looking to see if there was any way on Earth he could swing college by himself - just in case he decided not to go to Seattle. 

****  
TBC


	33. Hard Conversations

Morning came, and Chester woke up with a smile on his face. For the first time in weeks - maybe months - he woke up feeling good, all the worries and cares of life in the background. He’d gotten up and had breakfast with Amir and Noah. It was breakfast tacos, which he was getting tired of, but they tasted good that morning. He ate two of them before heading to the bathroom to get cleaned up for the day. He put on a nice outfit - a red dress shirt, with a white collar and matching breast pocket. He found a nice pair of dark gray shorts, and gray socks with little red devils on them to match. Even his underwear was in line, red with a gray waistband. 

By the time he sat down on his bed, his foot propped up on a pillow and his journal in his lap, he felt a thousand years away from the heartache that had plagued him over the last few weeks. The mounted television was on, but the sound was next to nothing as cartoons played across the screen, the faint sound of SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and all their underwater friends lending an indescribable element of comfort as Chester wrote. 

_I still can’t believe how things went yesterday. It’s like it was a dream. A dream from when we were still in love. I guess we still are, to a point. I know I am. He says he is, too, but he’s still leaving so I’m not sure what that means. Fuck. I really don’t want to pick his motivation apart. I just don’t. For the first time in a long time, he feels like the Mike Shinoda I love, the Mike Shinoda I fell IN love with. He just hasn’t been the same person lately, but yesterday, he was my Sexy Boy. I’ve missed him so much. Long before we broke up, and he cheated, and I moved out, I missed him._

Chester stopped, his rainbow pen paused on the page of his leather bound journal. It was hard to think about all the ways Mike had changed over the last six months. How he’d gone from the sweet boyfriend Chester adored, to someone who lied and cheated. Someone who lashed out and said cruel things that hurt Chester’s insides. It was the Mike he didn’t want to have anything to do with, the Mike he’d walked out on, the Mike he’d broken up with. The Mike he’d cursed, the Mike he’d written in red about. It was the Mike he wanted to forget, and write off as an anomaly, not his real boyfriend. _Ex-boyfriend. He’s my ex. He chose someone else._

The reality hit, and Chester sniffed in the tear that wanted to fall, and went back to writing, ready to discuss with his journal all things happy and carefree and fun instead of pondering everything that went wrong. _We have things we want to do over the two weeks he’s got left,_ he wrote, just as he heard the front door. His pen went silent, and then he dropped it altogether as he set it and the journal off to the side. He knew it would be Ryan, showing up on time, just like his text message earlier said he would. 

Chester sat himself up a little straighter, the journal on the nightstand now as he watched the television instead of staring out the door like someone desperate for company. It was only a few seconds before he heard Ryan’s voice out in the apartment as he greeted Noah and then Amir, and Chester smiled. He hadn’t seen Ryan for a few days, and he was ready to have his friend sit with him, and talk about things. _I’m going to tell him. Not details. I don’t think I should...we’ve been too close with stuff like that. I’ll tell him, but I’m not going into the horny details like I always have before. That’s just for me and Mike now._

Ryan didn’t waste time with small talk. He spent only seconds saying high to Amir and Noah, and then he was knocking on the doorframe of Chester’s room, the door standing open. Chester was on the bed, looking better than he had in days, maybe weeks. He looked refreshed and at ease, like all the tension and sadness had been washed away somehow. He was sitting with his back against a pillow, his hands in his lap. Ryan smiled instantly when he saw the small stuffed alien he’d given Chester sitting next to him on the bed. “Hey, Chazzy,” he called, “can I come in?” 

Chester looked over, and the sight of Ryan made him grin. “Of course,” he answered, waving his arm before patting the spot on the bed next to him. He watched as Ryan stepped in, shrugging off his black leather jacket, and laid it across the end of the bed before he sat down. Chester could tell he was taking his shoes off, even though he couldn’t see what Ryan was doing. “It’s good to see you,” he said, once Ryan had twisted around, his legs coming up on the bed out in front of him. Like always, Ryan was head to toe in black, his muscle shirt showing off his tattoos, and Chester took a second to appreciate them. They were very different from his own colorful body art, but they fit Ryan Shuck perfectly. 

“It’s good to see you, too,” Ryan assured him as he leaned over and pressed a single kiss to Chester’s cheek. “And you look fantastic.” 

“Thanks, you do, too,” Chester returned the compliment with a shy smile, his eyes going to his lap. He could smell Ryan’s skin, the familiar scent that was a mix of masuline and clean. It had always been a turn on, and it was an extra punch to Chester’s happy mood. “So how’s life with Talinda?” he asked, his focus on their feet, and how close their legs were. Being close to Ryan was nice. It was comforting, and safe. 

“It’s been interesting,” Ryan answered truthfully as he leaned his head back on the pillow behind him and looked up at the ceiling, his eyes closing in thought. “Sometimes I think she actually enjoys my company, but then I also think maybe she’s only letting me stay there so I can help her fix up her place.” He laughed as he picked his head up. “We’re almost done with the kitchen. You’d never recognize it from how it looked before. We painted the cabinets and put new hardware on them. We re-lined all the shelves, and we picked out a new stove together yesterday. Well, she picked it out, but she asked me to go along and give my opinion.” He stopped for a minute, his lips pulling up to a half smile. “It’s nice to have someone want my input.” 

“Ry, I think that’s great,” Chester said as he reached over and patted Ryan’s leg. “It sounds like you guys are really hitting it off.” 

Ryan nodded. “We are, much better than I figured. You’ve seen her at work,” he said, one hand going out in a generic gesture. “Well, she’s like that at home, too. But in a weird...domestic kind of way. We work on the house, and then we sit and watch movies together and eat these low calorie, fat free, might as well not even be on the plate, meals she makes. I swear, Chazzy, if I have to eat one more salad, I might not make it. And I’ve had my fill of Green Goddess dressing. And I’m serious about that.” 

Chester was already sitting forward, his hand still on Ryan’s leg as he squeezed it. Ryan was hungry. Ryan was being deprived of good food. Ryan needed him. “She’s starving you,” he whined, looking Ryan up and down for a second time, trying to spot signs of weight loss or malnourishment. “You can’t live like that. We need to go get you something to eat, right now.” He went to get up, ready to grab his crutches and usher Ryan off to the nearest burger place or pizza joint, some place with lots of grease and fat and calories. _And flavor!_

“Woah, woah,” Ryan called out, stopping Chester from getting off the bed. “It’s okay, Chaz, I’m fine. Just stay here,” he begged, one hand on Chester’s skinny bicep, his other motioning over the bed. “We can go out later, but it’s nice in here. I’m comfortable.” 

Chester’s racing heart settled down. “You’re sure?” He watched as Ryan nodded, as his grip on Chester’s arm turned to a pet, and Chester sat back against his pillow. “Okay, well, as soon as you’re ready, we’ll go,” he insisted. “You’re my lunch date today, so just, figure out what you want.” 

Ryan chuckled softly. Chester always being so concerned over how everyone was eating was something he loved about him. “Okay,” he agreed easily. “I’ll think about it. But while I’m doing that, you need to tell me about you. I haven’t seen you in days. Guess you really did make it through that awful Petey Sly date.” The moment the name was out of his mouth, he frowned. _He told me everything went okay, and it must have. He looks so happy, if things would have gotten out of hand with Petey, he wouldn’t look like this._

With his hands in his lap, Chester nodded. “It was pretty terrible. He tried to kiss me, but I stopped him.” He let out a sigh. He didn’t want to talk about Petey Sly. It was one date too many, and there wouldn’t be a second. “I, I gotta tell you something,” he said instead, looking over to catch Ryan’s stunning blue eyes. “About Mike.” 

“What about him?” Ryan asked, his voice edgy. _What did that asshole do now? I wish Chaz would kick him to the curb for good. He deserves it._

Chester looked down at his hands. A thousand different ways to say what he wanted hit his brain, but he figured just coming out with it was best. No need to beat around the bush or work up a flowery story. He was sitting with Ryan, and he knew Ryan would see through all that other stuff anyway. “He came over yesterday morning. We kissed, and we had sex.” _Love. We made love, but I know Ryan’s not going to see it as that anyway. It was love between me and Mike, and what anyone else thinks doesn’t matter._

Ryan’s mouth fell open as he stared at Chester, at the pink hue on his cheeks, and the way he was studying his hands with a clear smile on his face. “You did what?” Ryan asked, thoughts of Jason rushing his mind like a stampede of horses. “But, what about Jay? Did they break up?” he asked, his insides suddenly feeling mixed up.

The giddy smile on Chester’s face dimmed as he looked over to see Ryan’s panicked face. “No,” he answered honestly. “They’re still together and moving to Seattle in two weeks. Jay’s already there, but Mike has to finish up work stuff here.” 

Ryan shook his head as he sat forward, twisting Chester’s way. “But you said you and Mike slept together...so...he’s cheating on Jason?” Ryan whispered, the real hit of those words striking his heart with a mix of anger towards Mike and sympathy for his ex-boyfriend. “You can’t be serious. He’s already two-timing Jay?” he asked, again, his mind scrambling to understand. His last words with Jason Wakefield hadn’t been nice. They’d been fueled by betrayal and heartbreak, and broken trust. But it was still Jason that Chester was talking about, and despite his harsh words and feelings over the last few weeks, Ryan still cared about him. 

Chester shrugged. “Yeah, he is,” he answered. 

“And you don’t care?” Ryan asked. Chester not caring seemed almost as impossible as their entire conversation. 

“I guess I don’t,” Chester stated before he sighed and took it back. “I care,” he amended, “but I’m trying not to think about that part.”

“Chester -”

“No, Ryan,” Chester interrupted before his friend could say more. “I don’t want to think about Jason. At all. I’m sorry, but, but he’s not my friend anymore. I’m not sure he ever was, to be honest. And all my loyalty to him stopped the moment he fucked my boyfriend behind my back, and he’s taking him away to another state, and I don’t want to think about him.”

It was jarring to hear Chester speak with so much raw intensity. Ryan could feel the desperation coming off of his friend, and that was never a good thing. Being riled up to the point of dismissing people wasn’t normal for Chester. 

Ryan took a long breath before he said, “Okay, we won’t talk about him. So what, Mike came over here and had his romp with you and it’s a secret?” Just saying that out loud made Ryan’s inside curdle. Cheating was wrong, and even though he knew he and Chester had come close a time or two, they never crossed that line completely. They always caught themselves and put their boyfriends first, an act that wasn’t reciprocated by either Mike or Jason. “You told me Mike said they were in love,” he whispered, despite his promise to not talk about Jason anymore. He wrapped his arms around his middle as he leaned forward a little.

“They are, but Mike loves me, too.” Chester wet his lips before he pulled his lip ring in to suck on it for just a few seconds. “He saw me out with Petey Sly and he came over to check on me. We started talking and then kissing then it happened. And he didn’t use me,” he added quickly, his eyes shooting over to Ryan. “I know you’re thinking that, but that’s not what happened. He asked me over and over if this is what I wanted, and I told him yes. It was my choice,” he insisted, jabbing a finger to his chest. “I wanted it, and I don’t regret it. It was fan-fucking-tastic, Ry, and we’re going to see each other again.” 

Silence fell over them, and once it was clear Ryan was at a loss for words, Chester went on. “He’s got two weeks, and I told him I wanted to spend as much time with him as I can. We haven’t talked about everything yet, but I want us to go to the beach and watch a movie together and we’re going to go out and eat, a lot, and I want to cook for him one more time before he leaves. I want to make him his favorite meal. I’m not sure how I’m going to pull that off yet, but I’m working it out. And he’s going to play me the music he’s been working on, and we’re going for a drive one night. We’re going to go up in the hills and find a nice place to park and look out over the city.” 

Chester was talking like someone who was newly in love, like someone who was fresh into a relationship, when everything is amazing and special, even when it’s everyday things like movies and car rides. Ryan put his head in his hand, his fingers rubbing his forehead. “And you’re doing all this why?” he asked, hoping Chester wouldn’t flip out on him. “Chaz, I don’t get why you want to spend any time with him, let alone doing all those boyfriend-like things. He’s just going to hurt you, and hasn’t he already done that enough?” 

Chester’s excited expression dropped. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “Ry, it’s not like that. _He’s_ not like that. He’s different then he’s been.” 

“I don’t even know what you’re saying now,” Ryan argued as he sat up and pulled the pillow out from behind his back to rest it on his lap. “He sounds just like the same old selfish Shinoda he’s always been.” 

“Why would you say that?” Chester asked, his mouth hanging open slightly. “And you’re wrong, Ry. He hasn’t been himself the last few months. You don’t know him the way I do,” he defended. “He’s been, like, this other person...and it was hard,” he admitted, his head dropping. “Some of the things he’s said and done.” He stopped and took a slow, concentrated breath. He didn’t want to get upset, and he didn’t want to cry. 

Chester picked his head up and looked Ryan right in the eyes. “But yesterday, he wasn’t like that. And the time before that, when he came over and saw my leg was hurt, he wasn’t like that. He was back to being sweet and kind. He was the Mike I love.” 

“The Mike you love,” Ryan repeated. “God knows you do, even though I’m still not sure why. Chester, you’ve got to wake up from this.” Ryan looked up for a second before he decided to just say it. _He needs to hear it from someone._ “You can call him sweet and kind and whatever, but this is the same guy that cheated on you, Chaz. The same guy that lied to you, and who knows how long he’s been lying or what all he’s been lying about. This is the guy that’s hurt you. More than once, Chester. And in lots of ways. The guy who makes you feel like shit, and puts you down. Why are you wasting your heart on him? He’s not even with you anymore, he’s running away with _my_ boyfriend to Seattle, and don’t tell me he’s only been acting like this for the last few months. I can’t even count the number of times you’ve called me upset over him and -”

“Ryan, stop!” Chester cried, and he couldn’t hold back the tears that slipped down both his cheeks as he reached over and grabbed Ryan’s arm. “Stop, okay? Just stop.” He let out a sad huff before looking away. “I love him,” he mumbled as he wiped at his eyes with one hand and then the other. “I know I shouldn’t, but I do. And there’s been so much bad lately and he’s leaving. Ryan, he’s leaving,” he stressed again as he looked over. “And I’ll probably never see him again and I don’t want the bad to be what was between us when he goes. I just want us to have some good memories before he’s gone...is that so wrong?” 

The look in Chester’s eyes was enough to break Ryan’s heart. They were wet with tears and emotion and an aching feeling Ryan could feel. He scooted closer, wrapping his arm around Chester’s shoulders. He pulled him close and kissed the side of his head. “No, it’s not wrong,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Chazzy. I shouldn’t have said those things.” He kissed him again, and it was a sigh of relief when Chester leaned back, his head landing on Ryan’s chest. 

“I don’t want to cry anymore,” he sobbed. “I just want me and Mike to enjoy each other before he has to leave. I’m going to miss him.” 

“I know,” Ryan agreed, and he really did know. It was almost painful to see and hear and feel how strong Chester’s need to be with Mike Shinoda was. It wasn’t something that was going to go away anytime soon, and that was never more evident then in that moment when tears rolled down his face while he pleaded for Ryan to stop. “It’s okay to miss him,” Ryan whispered as he shut his eyes. He could feel Chester’s weight on his chest, and his shivered breathing. He was upset, and Ryan knew it was going to take a few minutes for him to physically and emotionally calm down so they could talk a little more. 

Ryan ran his hand up and down Chester’s back lightly as they sat in silence. His thoughts flipped back and forth between Chester and Jason. One second his concern was for his friend, and what the next two weeks would ultimately do to him, and the next second his heart was on Jason, who was far away and had no idea what was happening in his absence. _Every time Mark cheated, it broke Jay’s heart. Even when he didn’t want to admit it, I know it did. And now it’s happening again. I don’t know what Mike’s playing at, but he’s fucking them both over. And he knows. He knows what Jay’s been through. For Chaz. If he’s still in love with Chaz, why is he going to Seattle? I could call Jay and tell him._

The thought was enough to make Ryan’s breath hitch. He still had Jason’s number in his phone. It wouldn’t be hard to call or even just text and let him know that the person he was supposedly in love with was stepping out on him. _What if that breaks them up? Then Mike won’t leave. He won’t leave. Then he’ll be here, and he’ll never let Chaz go. He’ll just keep him like this._ It was a quick decision. He didn’t want Jason to get hurt, despite how things had ended between them, but Chester was more important at this point in his life. “Hey?” he called softly, and he watched as Chester slowly picked himself up off his chest. “You going to be okay?” 

“Yeah,” Chester said, his voice much calmer as he sat up straight and ran his hand over his face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to have a meltdown. I didn’t want to.” 

“I know,” Ryan assured him. He reached for Chester’s hand. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore. I know you’re doing what you feel is right, and that’s good enough. I’m always here to listen, but if you don’t feel like it, that’s okay, too.” 

A tender smile crossed Chester’s face. “Okay,” he agreed, feeling much better. “Are you still starving? We can go get something to eat now.” 

“I’d love to,” Ryan said as he went to get up. “Let’s go some place that doesn’t even offer salad.” 

Chester laughed as he grabbed the remote and turned the television off. “I have an entire list of places in mind.” He carefully swung his legs off the bed and reached for his crutches. He knew telling Ryan about Mike wouldn’t be a cake walk, but it had been even harder than he thought. _But it’s over now. He knows, and we can talk about it later. Tomorrow or the next day. He’ll see. I’ll tell him all the good things, and he won’t worry so much. It’s all going to be fine._

****

Mike tucked one cup of coffee into the crook of his elbow and fished his apartment key out of his pocket with the hand he’d just freed. Despite the conversation with Chester that was looming overhead, he felt good. It had been agonizing to wait all day for Chester to be free. That was something he wasn’t used to at all - not being the number one priority on Chester’s list. So he’d practiced and taken a nap, then practiced some more while he waited for Chester to text him and give him the green light to take him away from Amir’s. Mike hadn’t wasted any time picking Chester up and convincing him to have Mexican food again for dinner. Everything felt fun and carefree, until it was time to go back to the loft. Even though it had been Mike’s idea to talk things out, he was nervous, and stalling a little was how he’d ended up juggling a grocery bag of ice cream and two coffees in his hands while he helped Chester to the loft and opened the door.

He got the key in the door and opened it, pushing against it with his rear end and backing it open while he held the coffees carefully. “Okay, I’ll hold the door for you while you get in, and maybe you can stop and get the light switch?” Mike was a little sweaty from all the work of getting everything out of the car and to the apartment. 

“I can do that,” Chester said as he went through the open door with both crutches under his arms. He could find the lightswitch in the pitch black, no problem. It was only a matter of seconds before the bottom level of the loft lit up, and Chester found himself staring. The windows were dark, the cloudy evening blocking out the dying sun. Everything else was as he remembered it, only it seemed to be empty of life. There was nothing on the counters in the kitchen - no appliances, or gadgets or salt and pepper shakers. The kitchen table was bare, the couch looked lonely and the bed. The big bed was still in the corner, neatly made with dark blankets and two pillows with tan covers. “Where’s all your paintings?” Chester asked as he turned himself around to look at Mike. He pointed toward the windows, where the huge painting of the beach used to be. 

Mike set both coffee cups on the bar and turned to put the ice cream in the freezer. “On the truck to Seattle,” he said, his face furrowed into a frown. Chester had walked out and left them all behind, even the paintings he’d made especially for him. He turned around and shrugged. “I didn’t want to leave them here. I like them.” 

“I like them, too,” Chester said, picking up on the saddened turn of Mike’s face. “I shouldn’t have left the ones you did for me. I was mad and hurt when I left, Mike. I’m sorry,” he apologized lightly as he headed to the kitchen where Mike was standing. “It wasn’t because I didn’t like them. They’re amazing. I’ve always thought so.” 

“Thanks.” Mike took a step forward to save Chester the effort of crossing the space between them and kissed his cheek. “I’ll give them back, if you want them. I just have to go get them for you. I would, if you wanted me to.” He looked at Chester for a second and then cleared his throat. “You want to sit on the couch? I’ll take your coffee over there for you,” he offered. 

Without losing his crutch, Chester reached for Mike’s hand, squeezing it softly. “I’d love to have the one of the beach. I’ll hang it up in my new place, when I get one. And…” He let Mike’s hand go to look across the loft at the couch. He knew that would be more comfortable, but for what was coming, he wasn’t sure if that was the right choice. “How about we sit at the table to talk?”

Mike nodded yes to both. “I’ll get it for you,” he promised before he turned and picked up both coffee cups and motioned to the table with his head. “After you.”

He followed Chester around the bar to the table and quickly put the coffee down to pull out Chester’s chair for him. Once he got settled Mike took the crutches and leaned them against the table where Chester could reach them if he needed them. “Do you want me to move a chair so you can prop up your foot?” 

Chester looked up. “That would be great,” he said, his heart swelling a little. Mike being so attentive was more than nice or courteous, it was sweet in a way that Chester liked to think of him. He watched as Mike scurried over to the bed and grabbed one of the pillows. “I’m sorry I’m broken,” Chester said as Mike got back to him. “I told you I was going to be a pain in the ass. I’m also twice as needy when I’m like this.” He tossed Mike a smile. “So be ready.” 

“Don’t apologize for being broken. I’m just glad it wasn’t worse than it is.” Mike lifted Chester’s boot and then stopped. “Do you have to keep this on? Or do you want to take it off and just prop your foot on the pillow?” 

“It can come off. Actually, that would be really nice. It gets hot.” He bent forward to undo the velcro straps keeping the boot closed over his bandaged foot. “And I know it’s not heavy, but it feels like it weighs me down.”

Mike waved off Chester’s hands. “I’ve got it.” He finished what Chester had started, pulling the velcro straps loose and carefully taking it off Chester’s foot while keeping it as still as he could. “Okay. On the pillow it goes.” He folded the pillow over and placed Chester’s foot down gently, then patted his leg and looked up, his eyes going right to Chester’s. “How’s that?” 

“That’s perfect. Thank you.” Chester wiggled a little in his seat, getting comfortable before he reached for his coffee. He looked out over the loft again, his mind briefly filling with memories, both good and bad. Mostly good, and he smiled. _God, I miss this place. It’s so weird to see it like this, with nothing of mine here. My poor kitchen is a shell of itself._ He shoved that thought away as he looked up at the bedroom. He’d already spotted Mike’s pile of clothes over by the bed in the corner. He figured their bedroom was empty of everything now, other than the furniture that came with it. “It’s funny, I never thought I’d see this place again. It’s crazy how things work out sometimes.”

Mike settled into his chair and scooted his coffee cup closer, playing with the lid as he followed Chester’s gaze around the loft. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “This was your place and I should have been the one to leave. I know how much you miss it. I miss having you here. It feels weird without you.” He’d seen Chester look up to the bedroom, but unless he asked, Mike wasn’t going to volunteer anything about why he was sleeping downstairs or why his clothes were in a pile next to the bed. They weren’t supposed to be talking about where he was sleeping. Mike was supposed to be trying to explain himself. He took a deep breath and his eyes settled back on Chester. 

“Mike,” Chester said, stopping him from saying anything else. “If it’s okay with you, I wanted to tell you something first. You know, while we’re being honest about things.” He waited, his hand wrapped around the warm takeout coffee cup that he’d yet to take a sip from. He already knew what he wanted to say, but he wanted to make sure Mike was okay with listening first. 

“Yeah, okay.” Mike scratched the side of his face and bit down on his bottom lip. It would be hard to listen to whatever Chester wanted to say, but he owed him the opportunity to get it all out. Especially with some of the things he knew he wanted to say. “Go ahead.” He reached over and put his hand on Chester’s forearm, squeezing it lightly. 

It was Chester’s turn to take a deep breath. “Mike, I love you, so I’m not saying any of this to hurt you. I just think maybe we lost each other somewhere, and I, I want you to understand.” He watched Mike nod before he continued. “I never cheated,” he said, even though he knew he’d already told Mike that once before. “But I know I crossed lines with Ryan. I love him, Mike. I always have. Pretty much from day one. And maybe if things would have been different, he would be someone I’d want to be with as boyfriends...but things didn’t go that way.” He shrugged before he looked up to make eye contact. “I won’t lie or even sugarcoat it for you, which I know I do sometimes. I’m working on that, but other than that one night we all spent on that bed,” he said, pointing across the loft, “me and Ry have never done anything more than kissing outside of work. We’ve slept in the same bed, but things stopped at kissing. I never told you before, but that last night we spent at YRS, Ryan and I promised each other we would be good boyfriends to you and Jay. Not sure we did very well at that, but I just wanted you to know that I never looked at him as someone to be a boyfriend.” 

Chester stared down at his coffee. “My mistake was I got too close with him, and when you came along, I didn’t realize how close we were. Even when you told me.” He let out a long breath. “He asked me, after everything here blew up. He asked me about us being together and I told him no. I told him it wouldn’t work.” 

Somewhere in all of Chester’s words, Mike had pulled his hand away and his fingers were pressing into his lips as he listened. Part of him wanted to know how many times they’d kissed, but it all paled in comparison to what he’d done. And the important part was that Chester had been the one to say no. It didn’t matter that Mike was right, and that Ryan had always had a thing for Chester, or that Chester had also been as close to Ryan as he suspected. What mattered was that Chester said no. He lifted his coffee cup and took a long drink before he asked, “why? What made you say no?” 

It was a simple question, but the answer was layered and complicated, and Chester took a minute to organize his thoughts. “A few reasons,” he said, his focus ghosting from the table up to Mike’s dark eyes. “For one, I’m still in love with you, and that wouldn’t be fair to him. Ryan needs to be _the one_, you know? That’s what he wants. He wants to be number one to someone, and I can’t give that to him.” His shoulders slumped a little as he looked down at the table, and how close his arm was to Mike’s. The thought to reach over and touch him was there, but he didn’t. “It would have eaten me up inside, Mike. I know how things were with Ryan was a big part of why we fell apart, and I would have carried that with me into a relationship with him. I couldn’t do it.” He shook his head. “And Ryan’s my buddy. He’s the guy I drink with and play video games with and do all the fashion stuff with. It wouldn’t be like what’s between you and me...it would be more like friends with benefits, and I don’t want that.” He picked his coffee up and took his first sip. It was warm and sweet, and it felt like a safe haven at the moment as his heart beat so fast.

Mike breathed in slowly. “It makes sense. I mean, I understand you, and why things happened the way they did. It always bothered me so much, Chester. Just the way the two of you talked to each other, there was something else there. And you denied it, and it just made it worse. I’m sorry I fixated on it so much. Deep down it was just… jealousy. I was jealous of him,” he admitted, starting to trace over the top of the table with one finger just so he didn’t have to look at Chester. “I knew your past with him and I never got over it, not even when I went to YRS and it was just me and you. Being there was so hard, and having him there, and the two of you so close, made it harder. And after he and Jay moved in here…” Mike shrugged, still looking down at the table. “Well, you know how that went.” 

Chester shook his head as he reached for Mike’s hand, stopping his invisible drawing on the table. “I’m so sorry for that. Mike, I really am. I don’t know why I didn’t see it. I don’t know why I brushed it off every time you said something about it. Ryan was...this steady thing in my life. It was hard to keep him at arm's length. And us sharing everything, that was just an old habit we should have stopped, and we didn’t.” He held Mike’s hand in silence for a few seconds, staring at their different skin tones, and how Mike’s fingers were longer. “I know it got crazy after they moved in, and especially after that night on the bed. That never should have happened. I know it’s not an excuse, but my meds were new and messing with me. It’s hard to explain how weird it was to not be able to control my own body. My own feelings. And that night everything lined up and it was like, a shock. It was this moment of feeling good and just going with it, and I shouldn’t have. Not with Ryan.” Chester closed his eyes, squeezing Mike’s hand. “I should have pushed him away and grabbed you instead.”

Mike squeezed Chester’s hand back. “It would have changed things,” he agreed quietly. “But I should have done the same thing. I was so confused, I was watching you and you looked like you wanted him, like it felt so good and it had been so long, and I didn’t want to deny you that. Even with Ryan. It sounds stupid out loud.” He watched as Chester opened his eyes again. “Jason was kissing me and things between us had gotten so strange, ever since Mark forced us together at YRS.” The mention of Mark brought a chill down Mike’s spine. He still wasn’t used to thinking about Mark in the past tense, though it had been months. Mike had conveniently moved all memories of Mark to somewhere in his brain that he just didn’t think about him, ignoring the reality that he was permanently gone. “I should have stopped that night, too. We all should have. I’m sorry that I didn’t.” 

Chester left their hands together as he met Mike’s honest eyes. “It really got confusing after that,” he said, looking down Mike’s face to his neck and shoulders, and the way his light colored shirt showed off his broader chest and arms. “You and I were trying so hard, and everything just seemed to hit a brick wall. It felt like we were always yelling at each other or fighting about something...and Ryan was there. I turned to him a lot more than I should have. There was one day at work that I told him, I told him that I thought that you liked kissing Jason a lot. I should have said something then, Mike. I should have. I should have done something about that, but it felt overwhelming, almost. Like the situation was bigger than me.”

“I let him into my head, and I never should have done that.” Mike blew out a big breath and then shook his head. “That sounds like an excuse. I don’t want to make excuses. I’ve tried to figure out how things went wrong between us, Ches, and I don’t know that I totally understand it. I meant it when I said I didn’t really know how it all happened.” He looked over and into Chester’s eyes. “You said a minute ago that you didn’t know how to explain how weird it was to not be in control of your body, your feelings. That’s how I felt after the blow job at YRS.” Mike rolled his lips together, hating how it sounded to be discussing blow jobs given by someone other than Chester. “I couldn’t understand how I could react so strongly to him, Ches. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to, I can’t tell you how much I didn’t want to. And it fucked with my head afterwards. I couldn’t stop thinking about the _why_ behind all of it. Why Mark would force us to do such a thing, and why I enjoyed it the way I did.” 

He finally looked away, feeling his cheeks turning pink in embarrassment and shame. “I didn’t want you to ever know. But keeping it in was wrong. It was so confusing, and then when they moved in here, it was all this big mess of you and Ryan being close, and me trying to get you to realize it, all while I had Jason in my ear telling me that the two of you were fine, only to change his mind later. It was so gradual over the months, Ches, and I swear to you, before we broke up, we’d only cheated the one time. I know that doesn’t make it right, or better, but I was lost. I let him get in my head and turn everything around.” He stopped to try to collect his thoughts, to figure out where to go next to fill in the gaps.

Chester watched their hands, his thumb stroking over the back of Mike’s hand softly. “I wouldn’t have been mad,” he said, pulling his eyes over to Mike’s face. “If you would have told me what Mark did, I wouldn’t have been mad. I’ve been there, Mike. I would have understood. And, well, a good blow job is a good blow job. We could have talked about it. I’m sorry it was confusing...I’m sorry I wasn’t with it enough to notice something was wrong at the time. I think I was too caught up in my own stuff.” He waited a second before he added, “Jason’s really smart. I’ve never been able to read him like I do other people. Ryan knew they were going to break up. He didn’t think it was because there was someone else, he just said things weren’t working between them. Way back...back,” Chester recalled as he brought up memories. “Back when they had that fight at the bowling alley. That was the night I spent over at his apartment. He said it then, he was worried Jason didn’t really love him.” 

Mike put his free hand up in denial. “It wasn’t going on that long, Ches. All of the little things, that stuff hadn’t even started yet. So whatever was wrong between them, Jason should have done something about that earlier.” He started to tug on his bottom lip as he thought about that. “All he ever said was that Ryan didn’t fit right. They didn’t understand each other, not the way he and I did. Do,” he corrected, then wondered why. _I’m already thinking about staying here, so what difference does it make?_ “We always had things to talk about, and you guys were gone. He talked about stuff you didn’t necessarily want to talk about, books and movies and art. Music, stuff that we understood the language of in the same way. And Jay was always defending the two of you and how you were together, and in the same breath he’d be showing me your ads with nothing but a towel on.” Mike was slowly starting to piece together how things had escalated between him and Jason. The more he talked, the more he was realizing how his boyfriend had steered them in the direction they’d ultimately ended up taking. 

Chester wasn’t sure what to say. He liked movies, and he and Mike watched a lot of them together, but maybe those didn’t count. He wasn’t sure. _But the other stuff, he’s right about. I don’t understand the details in the music or the art. I just know if I like it or not._ “I know,” he finally whispered, keeping his eyes on the table. “I wish I knew more about some of those things. I actually thought it was nice that you had Jay, because he seemed like a good friend for you.” He leaned his head against his free hand and let out a full body sigh. It had all happened right in front of him, and he didn’t see it. 

“I thought he was a good friend, too. Until it went past that. I’m sorry that I let him in.” Mike looked up at the ceiling and debated about what he wanted to say next, and decided that they were already broken up, so if Chester hated him, then at least he wouldn’t have to go through it all over again. “I don’t know how to tell you this without it sounding like I’m blaming you. And I’m not. I just realize that part of the reason I let it happen, why I let Jay get close to me was because I was missing my closeness with you. We were drifting a little and we weren’t having sex, and every little bit of attention he showed me went straight to my dick.” Mike glanced at Chester and then down at the table, hanging his head in shame. “I’m not blaming or making excuses. I was in a weak state of mind and he was there. He got rid of Kenji, and he told me I deserved a different life. He’s promised me so many things. I’m not even sure I’m in love with him, Chester. I think I’m in love with the idea of him, and I think I’ve got sex and love all confused. I never wanted to be like this. I waited for you, and I love you. You were right about that. What we have is so different.” 

The information swirled around Chester’s head, his eyes dropped just like Mike’s. He had been pretty sure that their lack of a sex life over the last part of their relationship had been a big factor in things ending, and Mike just admitted to as much. It was hard not to take that as the biggest punch to his heart. But as they sat there at the table, holding hands and not looking at each other, Chester decided he didn’t have a choice. He’d let things get out of hand, and now he was no longer the boyfriend. “I get wanting to have a better life,” he said, looking out over the apartment, the bed smashed into the corner a sore reminder of what he’d lost out to. “School’s expensive and I know you’ve always wanted to go. And I’m sure it will be nice to live somewhere without four people crammed into a tiny apartment with no walls.”

“Chester. Ches, look at me.” Mike waited for Chester to turn his eyes back in his direction. “I’ve always wanted to go to school, yeah. But living here with you, it was perfect. I wouldn’t change anything about that. It was too much for four people, but with you, it was amazing.” He squeezed Chester’s hand. “I thought about this all morning, while I was practicing and waiting for you. Trying to figure out what I was going to say to you that could ever explain what’s happened. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve talked about it now, the less certain I am about things. Yesterday was so good. And it was so easy with you. Telling you that I love you, it’s always been easy because it’s true.” He stopped and sighed. “I know that you love me, too. This thing between me and Jason, I’m not sure that’s love. It doesn’t feel the same.”

“I can’t help you with that, Mike.” Chester squeezed his hand before he pulled away. “Whatever you have going on inside of you, you’re going to have to sort that out. Just...don’t make promises you can’t keep, okay?”

Mike knew he was skating a fine line, about to do exactly that, and he decided not to tell Chester he was considering staying in L.A. He’d have to be absolutely sure of that, even as he realized how presumptuous it was to think that Chester would want to be with him if he stayed anyway. “I know,” he said quietly. “I won’t.” They didn’t say anything else for a second, and then Mike asked, “is there anything you were wondering about that I didn’t say? I just want it all out in the open now. Nothing left for you to wonder about. If you have any questions, I’ll answer them.” 

Chester had two questions, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answers to them. He picked at the top of his coffee cup, debating if knowing would be worth whatever sting would come with them. _I’ll just torture myself if I don’t ask. He’s offering, and if I don’t ask now, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s none of my business. Stupid honesty._ He grumbled at himself before he turned to Mike. “Okay, but you don’t have to tell me...did, I mean have you guys had sex in our bed upstairs? If it’s even still up there,” he added, since he had no idea what was or wasn’t left up in the bedroom.

That was an easy question to answer. “No. I’ve never been with anyone but you upstairs, Ches. That’s our space. I haven’t slept up there since you left.” Mike tried to smile but he wasn’t sure if it fell as flat as it felt. “It’s not the same up there without you.” 

It was a slow nod on Chester’s part, even if the answer felt good. It was nice to know that at least something in the loft was still theirs. “Okay,” he whispered, ready to ask the next question. The hard question. “When did it happen?” He forced himself to look Mike in the eyes. “You said before we broke up that you only cheated once. When was that? Because that’s what’s been so hard to understand. I went to work and we were in love and then I came home and you hated me.”

“I didn’t hate you,” Mike objected immediately. “I hated myself. I couldn’t stand to look at you knowing what I’d done, how I’d broken our trust. I keep saying that it’s not me, but I guess I should be saying that it’s not who I _want_ to be, since I’ve clearly done things I’m not proud of.” He took a sharp breath in and forced himself to say, “it was the night you and Ryan left. The night you stayed at Amir’s. The night I found out Jay erased Kenji.” One of Mike’s hands was pressed over his heart, and he wiped down the side of his face with the other. “I don’t have a way to make it easier for you to hear, and I’m sorry for that.” 

Chester was in a dead stare with the back of the couch. His mind was already zipping back through time, pulling up every detail he could of that night. The choices that had been made - staying at Amir’s instead of coming home, blowing up about the YRS videos being taken down instead of being happy for his boyfriend, leaving the loft rather than keeping his cool - it had all ended with losing his lover. “I’m sorry I left that night,” Chester said, and he looked over to see a tear slipping down Mike’s cheek, getting lost in his beard. Chester leaned over and kissed his face. “That whole night was fucked up. There was so much going on.” He stayed close for a second more before he sat back in his chair, being mindful of his leg. He wasn’t sure if knowing made him feel any better, but the honest admission felt like it had lifted something.

“I’d seen this video of you and Ryan on Jay’s computer. It was just leftover footage of some YRS thing. You guys were around a campfire, and you and Ryan were so into each other.” Mike’s breath hitched a little. “Jay told me he could see it, what I’d been talking about, and when you left that night with Ryan, he told me you two were going to end up together. It’s not an excuse, but it was a factor. I was so convinced the two of you were meant to be together that I gave up everything we had trying to keep something for myself. I was so, so wrong, Ches.” Mike could feel the stinging tears ready to fall as he watched Chester’s face. “I want you to know that if I could undo it all, I would in a heartbeat. I’m sorry I hurt you. You deserve so much better than that.” 

Chester closed his eyes. “Well...you deserved better, too. That campfire, I remember that. One of Mark’s great ideas: sex in the woods. Yeah, don’t ever do that,” he stated, glancing Mike’s way before he moved on. “That was really early, Mike. A long time ago. Me and Ryan had really just met. We’d done, three scenes together? Maybe. I told you I liked him from the beginning. It was after that trip that Mark told us we couldn’t date, and that’s where we’ve been ever since.” Chester felt his insides run cold for a minute before he circled back around to the night he and Ryan had disappeared. “I was upset about Jay taking our videos down, but not really for the reason I told you. You came to YRS for me. And I know you hated it, and I know it was against everything you believe in, and everything you wanted, but you still did it...for me.” 

Chester stopped, his hand over his heart as his bottom lip trembled. “And those videos, it was like proof. It was this reminder, this physical, visual thing that you did that. That you cared enough about me to put yourself there, and then all the sudden they were gone. Like it never happened.” He looked away, wiping a hand over the corner of his eye. “That’s why I freaked out. We were having all these issues, and then the videos were gone, too, and it just felt like our whole relationship was disappearing.”

“Just because they’re gone doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” Mike reached over and took Chester’s hand in his again. “It was all very real. Everything we have is real, Ches. You don’t need those videos to know that I’d do anything for you.” He took a deep breath. “I still would. Anything you need. I know you probably don’t trust me, and I deserve that. But I hope I can earn your trust back. Someday.” 

Chester nodded slowly but didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure how to take Mike’s statement. As far as he knew, Mike was leaving in a few weeks, and that would be it. They were going to have fun, but it was a send off, not the beginning or rebuilding of a foundation. _But I’m not going to think about that. It doesn’t do any good._ He twisted in his seat a little, looking towards the kitchen. “You ready for ice cream?” He asked. “Or is there more you wanted to tell me?” He pulled his lip ring in for a second, really hoping there wasn’t any more. What was said had already been so much to take in.

Mike sent Chester a soft smile. “I’m ready for ice cream. Why don’t we get you comfortable first? We can watch tv on the couch, or I can figure out how to get you upstairs, if you want to lay down. Whatever would be better on your foot.” He squeezed Chester’s hand before he let it go and stood up. “What do you think?” 

Chester looked from the back of the couch, up to the loft. He’d never taken in the amount of stairs before, or how steep they were until now. They really weren’t meant for people with hurt ankles. “The couch is fine,” he said. “I can take this pillow and prop my foot up on the coffee table.” He reached for his crutches, bringing them over where he needed them. 

“Okay.” Mike moved to help, waiting for Chester to move his foot before he grabbed the pillow to carry to the couch. He followed along behind and watched Chester hobble across the space, dropping down on the couch as though he’d just run a sprint. “You’re doing a great with those, I know they suck,” he offered, pulling the coffee table closer so he could fold the pillow and put it under Chester’s foot.

“_Suck_ is not even a strong enough word,” Chester whined as he lifted his foot until Mike got the pillow arranged. He set it down gently before leaning back and shutting his eyes. “God I miss this couch,” he mumbled. “I know it’s not mine, but I really got used to it. It’s broken in and comfortable. Like shoes,” he decided as he opened his eyes and looked around to see where Mike had gone to, spotting him on his way to the kitchen. A thought came to mind in that moment as Chester caught just a quick glance of Mike’s ass. “Sexy Boy, you want to share a bowl? One bowl, two spoons? Or one spoon,” he amended as he tried to watch as best he could from his position on the couch. 

Mike looked over his shoulder. “Sure, I’ll get us a giant bowl.” He opened the freezer and took out the ice cream before he remembered that all he had were plastic spoons and bowls. “Hmm,” he hummed, looking at the carton. With a shrug he dug two spoons out of the container of plasticware and started for the couch. “We’ll just eat out of the carton,” he decided. “I don’t have any bowls.” He held up his plastic spoons, even though Chester couldn’t really see them. “And plastic spoons. This should be fun.” 

“You don’t have any bowls?” Chester asked, even though he knew why. He let out a short, disturbed breath. “How are you eating in the morning? Your cereal,” he clarified, knowing that when Mike was on his own, cereal was his main meal for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And snack. “You can buy plastic bowls if you don’t want to buy real ones since you’re, well, so you don’t have to pack them. Or just _a_ bowl. One bowl doesn’t take up a lot of room. Even a big cereal bowl.” He could feel his heart beating a little faster as he thought about digging through the boxes in his closet at Amir’s to get Mike a bowl. 

“I’ve got plastic bowls. They’re small. I didn’t want to have to get up for a refill.” Mike grinned as he sat down. “Besides, it’s fun to eat out of the carton, right?” He took the lid off and set it on the coffee table, handing Chester a spoon. “I’ll even let you get the first bite.” 

Chester looked from the carton of cinnamon ice cream up at Mike’s darker eyes. “Well, as long as you have some bowls,” he decided before he dug his spoon in and it got stuck. It was an instant laugh. “I’m not sure my spoon is strong enough,” he said, leaving it sticking out of the ice cream like a shovel stuck in the ground.

“You’re just being impatient,” Mike said. “Which is totally not like you at all.” He dragged his plastic spoon across the top of the ice cream, shaving it off into a neat curl on his spoon. “See? Until it gets softer, you have to baby it a little bit.” He held the spoon out for Chester to take the first bite. 

There was no hesitation. Chester wrapped his lips around the spoon and took the cold bite. He let it sit on his tongue for a second before he swallowed. “That’s so good,” he said, licking his lips. “I haven’t had cinnamon ice cream since…” He thought for a second before he shrugged his shoulders. “Since who knows when.” 

Mike was watching Chester’s lips intently as they released the spoon, thinking about the ice cream and the lip ring, and how cold it would be. “Um, I don’t think we’ve ever had cinnamon ice cream. It made me think of the churros yesterday.” He tried not to think about how sweet the ice cream would be on Chester’s tongue as he scooped out another curl of the treat and tasted it. “It’s so good. Almost as good as churros. Oh! If I had honey I could drizzle it on here.” He thought for a moment and shrugged, dragging the spoon through the ice cream again and providing Chester another bite. 

“See? I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ve never had it till now,” Chester chuckled before he opened his mouth for the spoon. It was a bigger scoop than last time, and he pulled it from the spoon a bit slower. He let it melt for a second before he swallowed, the sweet and cold mixture sending a nice cool feeling through him. “Not sure honey would do well with it though,” he said, watching as Mike watched him. “It might freeze it.” 

“Maybe,” Mike murmured, his eyes focused on Chester’s lips while he called on all his willpower not to kiss him. “Does honey freeze?” He gave himself another bite, this time turning the spoon upside down in his mouth and licking it clean before slowly licking his lips. 

Chester watched every move of Mike’s tongue, over the spoon, over his lips. He felt his insides stir a little. “And I don’t know if honey freezes or not,” he admitted. “Every time I’ve used it, it’s for warm stuff...cookies and cakes. Syrups.” 

“You love syrup.” Mike scooped out another bite for Chester. “I’ve never seen anyone get so excited over syrup foods. And not because of the food, but because of the syrup. Pancakes, waffles, french toast… you love it all because of the syrup.” He scooted a bit closer, his knee touching Chester’s. “Syrup is your sweet version of ketchup.” 

Chester laughed again, this time a bright smile going with it. “That’s probably a good way to put it. I just love it. It’s so sweet and gooey and sticky. Sexy.” He cocked an eyebrow Mike’s way as he nudged his knee into him. “I can overdo it though. Well, you’ve seen it,” he said with an eye roll at himself. “I get hyped up and usually end up freaking myself out over some nonsense thing because of the sugar high.” He licked his lips. “I’m ready,” he said, opening his mouth. 

Mike placed the spoon on Chester’s waiting tongue and tried not to make any sounds as he watched his lover take the bite. He was trying to keep his thoughts clean but they didn’t want to play along. “You look like you’re really enjoying this. All broken and being pampered with ice cream. You don’t even have to lift a spoon. So spoiled.” 

“Hey, I gave you fair warning I was going to be needy,” Chester reminded him, licking that last drop of ice cream from his lip ring. “And in my defense, you’re the first one to do this, so I’m saying it’s partly your fault.” He reached for his spoon, which was still sticking straight up in the air. He lightly flicked a finger at it before giving up. “It’s still stuck.” 

“You tried _soooo_ hard,” Mike teased before he ate another bite. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep enabling you.” The ice cream had softened a little, enough for him to scoop out a real bite this time. “I think maybe I should get a little kiss for a bite. You know, tit for tat. I’ll give you ice cream if I can get a kiss in return.” He held the spoon in front of Chester and cocked his eyebrow playfully. 

“Sexy Boy, I’m shocked,” Chester said behind his laugh. “And here I thought you were feeding me out of the kindness of your heart. No. You just want kisses. Well, fine.” Every tooth he owned was showing as he leaned in, grabbing Mike’s lips a second later, his eyes closing. He could taste the ice cream on his lover’s lips and tongue, everything a little cold instead of the usual heat that came with a kiss. “Mmmmm...you taste fucking good,” Chester hummed as they pulled apart. 

“Fucking good, huh?” Mike grinned as he gave Chester his ice cream reward. “I’m all about this game. Ice cream kisses.” He quickly took a bite and got another for Chester. “We’ll be sick of ice cream after this because I don’t ever want to stop kissing you.” He kissed Chester this time, swiping his tongue over the lip ring that was still a little chilled from the last bite and enjoying the sweetness on his tongue. “You’re right. Fucking good.”

Chester’s eyes opened slowly. Mike’s face was still close, and the desire to forget the ice cream and just go to making out crossed his mind, but he shoved it away. Somehow the back and forth with the ice cream brought something special with it. Something slowed down and savored. “I’ve always loved kissing you,” he said as he watched Mike scoop out a bite for himself. He didn’t miss the way Mike moved the spoon around his mouth, or the obscene way he licked it afterwards. “I see your porn star moves showing.”

“Who, me?” Mike said, feigning innocence. “Surely you must be mistaken. I’m as pure as the driven snow.” He laughed quickly before he stopped, the thought that those words weren’t even close to true, especially now, crossing his mind. “Well, you know,” he amended, trying to save the moment. He paused for a second before he dropped his eyes to the ice cream. _It used to be true. When we met, it was true. And now, even with the evidence gone, I still have that past. The worst part is, it could have been different. Just Ches, like it should be. Before I went and ruined it all._ He dragged another bite out for Chester and looked up between the hair that was falling in his eyes. “Here,” he said softly, forcing a smile.

There was no question that something had suddenly changed in Mike’s mood._He was all smiles a second ago._ Chester leaned in to take the bite quickly, all the sexy showing off gone. “What are you thinking about?” he asked, after he swallowed. He reached for the spoon. “Here, looks like you could use a turn being spoiled.” He scooped a blob of ice cream onto the spoon, and offered it. 

Mike took the bite and let it melt before he cleared his throat. “Thinking about my porn star moves,” he answered honestly, a little hitch in his voice. “I never felt like a porn star. I was only doing it all because I loved you and wanted you to be safe. I didn’t want you to have to be with anyone else. I know I was jealous and possessive, and it all got in the way of _us_ and I wish I could change that. But… I’d do it again, Ches. I’d go to YRS for you. I’d just be more mindful of what I was doing. I let it change me. And I’m not proud of that.” He poked his tongue around in his mouth, licking sticky sweetness from his teeth. “That’s all. Sorry to get all serious again.” 

“It’s okay,” Chester said, taking his bite of ice cream before he scooped another one for Mike. “Maybe we should talk about it. I know we did a lot of _not_ talking about it when it was going on. It changed me, too. Well, you’ve met Charlie Bang,” he said with a slight shrug. “But it was more than that. It kinda messed up my view on sex. You won’t believe this, but I actually thought like you before I was at YRS. You know, just two people and finding true love. All that.” He looked down at the ice cream. His memory of his younger self was so far away, like it was stuffed away in a hidden room. “And I went from that to the person you met,” Chester admitted with a short sigh as he dug at the ice cream, circling the spoon and making a smooth, soft spot right in the middle. “I think that’s why I liked you so much. You were in this other world, this world I used to be from, a world I kinda forgot about because I didn’t think I could go back to it. Like I was kicked out.” He looked up, the spoon still in the ice cream. 

Mike tilted his head and studied Chester’s face. “You were different in the very beginning, but it didn’t take long for all of that Charlie Bang behavior to disappear. So you were never kicked out. You just lost your way for a little bit. I did, too. I lost my way at the end.” He reached out to run his fingers down Chester’s cheek gently, stopping before they went onto his jaw and then his neck. Mike looked at Chester’s neck for a long moment, and he could hear them both breathing in the silence. “I swear to you that I won’t hurt you ever again, Chester. That’s not really me. I don’t want you to think that’s me.” He pulled his hand back a little, considering what to do before he just let it rest over Chester’s heart. 

“I don’t think it was either of us,” Chester said as he covered Mike’s hand with his own. “I think we got lucky in a way. Something really bad could have happened. I should have known better. I’ve heard the stories. I was around the porn industry for years...lots of fucked up things happen and they’re just swept under the rug and not talked about.” He shut his eyes before he pulled Mike’s hand up to his lips, kissing it. “I know you didn’t mean for any of it to hurt, Mike.” He looked over, making sure to catch his lover’s eyes. “You hear me? I know you didn’t mean it.”

The ice cream was forgotten as Mike leaned in to kiss Chester’s cheek, then the side of his mouth, before bringing their lips together softly. It felt good to clear the air a little between them, and they’d been doing it all night. Even though a lot of it was difficult to say, he was grateful they were doing it, and he could feel a reconnection between them over the past two days. He wanted to keep Chester right there with him and never let him go, not think about two weeks or two days or any length of time they had with each other. When he broke their kiss he hovered close, his eyes closed, and whispered, “I really didn’t mean it. I love you.” 

Chester touched Mike’s face immediately, his fingers petting over his beard. “I love you, too.” He brought their lips back together for another kiss, this one shorter and broken by his smile. “I think our ice cream’s melting. Have you had enough yet?” His fingers slid to Mike’s chin where he playfully tugged on his longer facial hair.

“Yeah. I’m done. Want me to put it up?” Mike asked, enjoying Chester’s touch. “We can snuggle up and watch a movie if you want.” His eyes flicked involuntarily to the bed in the corner and the blankets there. He knew he didn’t have any blankets but those left in the loft. “I’ll drag the blanket off the bed for us and we can stay right here.” 

“Yeah, it needs to go,” Chester said, shooing the ice cream carton away. He waited as Mike stood up and rounded the couch, heading for the kitchen, before he looked at the bed in the corner. He really didn’t like looking at it, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to use the blanket that was there. He looked up at the bedroom - the space Mike had said was still just theirs. _If we’re going to snuggle and watch a movie, I’d like to be in our bed. Our bed._ The words tumbled through Chester’s mind a dozen times before Mike was back in front of him. “Actually, I think snuggling would be better upstairs in our bed,” he suggested, hoping it wasn’t a step too far. Mike seemed to be open to everything, but Chester wasn’t going to forget the reality of things either. 

Mike looked over at the stairs. “Of course it would be better upstairs,” he was quick to agree, “but how are you getting up there? I don’t think I can carry you up the stairs without both of us falling. And there’s no blankets up there. We can take the pillows from down here.” Mike had both hands on his hips as he thought about it. “I’d like to go up there, but I don’t want you to get hurt. More than you already are.” 

Chester studied the steps again. He’d been up and down them a million times over the years, sometimes at a quick leap and jump, other times slowly with caution. Sometimes drunk or sore and exhausted. He’d always made it up one way or another, and this time wasn’t going to be any different. “I have an idea,” he said, as he pulled his leg off the coffee table, and reached for his crutches. He got to his feet and headed across the small stretch to the staircase before he decided he better pee first. “Bathroom break before I do this though,” he told Mike with a sheepish grin. “Once I’m up there, I don’t want to come back down.” 

“Okay. I’ll take the pillows up,” Mike decided. He watched Chester cross to the bathroom and he turned to look at the blankets on the bed. There was the dark blue one covering the whole bed, and another gray one folded at the end of the bed. He snatched the gray one and both pillows and headed up to toss them on the bed upstairs.

It had been over a week since he’d been in the loft bedroom, and the barrenness of the space shocked him. In his mind he still expected to see the red and black blanket over the bed, but the mattress was bare. He sighed at the pathetic look of the space before he tossed the pillows by the headboard and put the blanket down at the foot of the bed. He’d let Chester decide if he needed a blanket or not. Mike was back down the stairs before Chester hobbled out of the bathroom, and he stood next to the couch, waiting to see if he was needed to help Chester get to the bedroom. 

Chester made it to the stairs before he turned himself around. “Would you take these?” he asked, balancing himself on his one leg, both crutches folded together and out in front of him as he handed them off to Mike. “I’m going to go up one stair at a time.” He eased himself down onto the closet step, keeping his ankle up. He pushed with his good foot and both hands and up the staircase he went on his butt. 

It didn’t take long and Chester was at the top, his butt on the bedroom floor. “Made it!” he announced with a toothy grin and an eyebrow wiggle to Mike who had followed him up the stairs. “Now comes the hard part...trying to get up from the floor.”

Mike left the crutches next to the bed and then went behind Chester and knelt down, putting his arms under Chester’s so he could lift him up. “Nah, I’ve got you. You just focus on keeping your bad foot off the floor. Come on.” He pulled and scooted back a little, and somehow together they managed to get Chester off the floor without bumping his ankle. Mike helped get Chester over to the bed and they both sat down in a huff. “See? That wasn’t too bad. I didn’t break you any more than you already are. It’s a success.” 

Chester nodded. “A success for sure. Here I am,” he said, before he looked around the room. It was almost surreal. “It looks different up here.” His attention went to the big closet, and his heart sank a little. He loved his new walk-in closet, but it wasn’t quite the same as the one in the loft bedroom. He had a history with it. It had been his friend in one way or another over the years. If his ankle wasn’t messed up, he would have walked over and opened the doors. “I never really noticed how small this room is.” 

“It was the right size for us. Maybe the closet was too small,” Mike teased as he followed Chester’s eyes over to the double doors. “But the rest of it was just right. Anything bigger and we would have been too far apart. That wouldn’t have been fun.” He patted the mattress. “You want to get both legs up here and lay down?” 

“Laying down sounds amazing,” Chester said. He waited for Mike to stand up, and then he pulled his legs up on the bed, being careful with his bandaged ankle. He moved over, and got situated before he laid back, his head on the pillow Mike had put on his side of the bed. His eyes shut almost instantly. The mattress was bare, but it was still the same mattress he’d slept on for three years. “I love our bed,” he mumbled. 

“Me too.” Mike crawled up the mattress and lay down next to Chester. “It’s almost as good as cinnamon ice cream.” He wanted to say how much more comfortable it was than the bed downstairs, but he knew that wouldn’t go over very well. “Speaking of cinnamon ice cream… I have to say that ice cream tasted good on you.” Mike gave Chester a silly smile before he rested his head on his pillow, turned on his side so he could see. 

“I agree,” Chester said, looking at Mike and finding him adorable with his hair over his eyes. “It was good on you, too.” He was on his back, but he reached over anyway and slid two fingers down Mike’s arm. “I’ve missed this.” 

There had been so many declarations of missing things between them the past two days. Mike nodded and propped himself up on his elbow. “Yeah.” He reached over and flipped Chester’s lip ring gently. “I don’t want to assume anything, but I really, really miss this. And sucking on it.” He let just the very tip of his tongue come out to wet his lips as he gazed at Chester’s lips. 

Chester’s hand went from Mike’s arm to his face. “Then come suck on it,” he said, before he coaxed Mike down, so they could kiss. Chester’s eyes closed right away as he savored Mike’s taste, the lingering hint of cinnamon on his tongue, and the warmth that now accompanied his kiss rather than the chilly ones from before. His hand stayed on Mike’s face, his fingers lightly pressing into his beard and jawline. Chester’s lower half squirmed as he moaned, soft and innocent from deep inside his throat.

Mike’s free hand went right to Chester’s hip as he leaned over, enjoying the closeness and familiarity of kissing Chester in their bed in the upstairs space they had kissed in so many times. There wasn’t any intent for it to go anywhere further, he just wanted to follow Chester’s direction and enjoy playing with the lip ring. He ran his tongue over it, then sucked on it lightly before he flipped it again. He heard Chester’s light sounds and couldn’t help the matching sighs and moans that came from him as they kissed and Chester touched his face. 

They were focused on each other completely, and Mike was savoring every second, loving the connection and the warmth and comfort coming off of Chester, when the phone rang. He knew without looking that it was Jason. He leaned over and dropped a quick kiss to Chester’s lips. “I’m going to take this downstairs,” he said before he twisted around and sat up, grabbing the phone to hurry to the steps. It had already jingled at him five times, the Facetime call impatient to go through, before he sat down at the keyboard and slid his finger to the right to answer. Instantly he was connected to Jason’s smiling face, which was a shock after only two days apart. “Hey!” Mike greeted, hoping the flush in his cheeks wasn’t evident.

“Hi sweetheart!” Jason was beaming with excitement. He was ready to show Mike their home. It was a backdrop where Mike fit perfectly, and Jason needed to connect with him, to push away the other memories he had of Seattle. _Of Ry._ He threw a hand out to the side and exclaimed, “I’m here! Our stuff made it, as you can see.” Jason tapped the screen and turned the camera around, panning over the heaps of boxes in the living area of the houseboat before he tapped it again. The camera turned back to face him, and he smiled at Mike’s expression. “I know, it’s a mess. But don’t worry, I’ll have it all sorted before you get here.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do my stuff,” Mike hurried to say. “I’ll take care of it when I get there. If you unpack it all for me, I won’t know where anything is. It will drive me nuts.” He looked at the room behind Jason. “Furniture tomorrow?” he asked. He didn’t see any of the stuff they had picked out when they were shopping in Seattle.

“Monday.” Jason said, then laughed. “Yeah, that’s tomorrow. Sorry, my days are all messed up. It’s been a lot of driving.” He walked through the downstairs living area toward the deck. “I’ll be staying at a hotel tonight. I’m leaving work early tomorrow to be here for the delivery. It’s just a training day, so I can sneak out. Wow, look at this.” He tapped the screen again and turned Mike’s view toward the water. Jason watched Mike’s face as he showed him the view outside the living room. He loved the way Mike’s eyes scrunched up when he smiled. “It’s amazing, isn’t it? The breeze is pretty great, too.” He stepped out onto the deck and let the cool air rush over him. Jason could see Mike looking around, and he moved the phone so his boyfriend could take in the entire scene.

Chester laid still as Mike went down the stairs and answered his phone. It only took a moment of listening to Mike’s excited voice as he spoke to Jason for Chester to roll over onto his side, and cover his head with his arm. He really didn’t want to hear the conversation between Mike and his new boyfriend. _Boyfriend. Jay’s his boyfriend now. Listen to them…they both sound so happy. Eager. Jay practically sounds giddy. I bet he’s not even thinking about Ry. I wonder if he even misses him._ The thought was almost sickening, and Chester did his best to try and not think about that side of things. 

_I knew what I was doing when I let him kiss me. When we made love yesterday. When we agreed to do this two weeks…I’ve got to do all this with my eyes open. Mike’s not mine anymore. He picked Jason. And he can deny his feelings all he wants, but he sounds like he really wants to go. He wants to be there with Jay. So why is he doing anything with me? No. No, I told myself I didn’t want to pick apart his motivation and I don’t. If he wants to cheat and screw up his chance with Jay, then that’s his choice. I still want to be here. I want to be with him while I can because he’s going to be gone soon and that will be it._

It was a different sort of sharp thought as Chester uncovered his face, and slowly sat up, being careful of his foot, which wasn’t even propped up. He looked around the bedroom, the room he’d shared with Mike for the last two years. It looked lifeless without all their things in it, but Chester’s imagination filled in the blanks. The place on the nightstand where their clock sat, their cell phone chargers that would normally be there, too. The paintings that used to hang on the half walls, the blankets that had covered their bed for so long - the red and black flannel collection Chester had bought just for Mike. He knew if he opened the closet, it would be empty, and the dresser was the same way. It was all gone, and Mike wasn’t far behind all the stuff. He was going to be gone soon. 

“It’s beautiful,” Mike agreed. Every bit of what he could see looked positively relaxing. It was the kind of atmosphere perfect for reading, or sitting and talking with a glass of wine, or painting. It was incredibly appealing. It was something he wanted, but Chester would be in L.A. Not sitting on the deck with him, or cooking in the gourmet kitchen back behind where Jason was standing now. “Show me the rest,” he said, fully aware that Jason was watching his reactions even though he couldn’t see Jason in return.

Jason stepped back inside the houseboat and around a stack of boxes, holding his phone out in front of him. “Here’s the kitchen. I love this subway tile,” he added, panning over the white blocky backsplash and steel appliances, the grayish-white granite and the light wood floors. “I can’t remember if you liked the paint colors or not. We can always repaint,” Jason said as he stepped down into the living room. There were windows everywhere and he was sure to show Mike all around the room. “There’s the office. And I’ll take you upstairs.”

“We don’t need to repaint. The colors are great, Jay.” Mike watched Jason flip the camera back around, and then he could see Jason again as he climbed the stairs. “It’s so relaxing. Can you feel the house move on the water?”

“I don’t think I’ve stood still long enough to notice.” Jason paused on the steps. “I’ll have to tell you later. I don’t think you can feel it. It’s anchored down pretty well.” He resumed his climb. The stairs went straight into the bedroom, the same as at the loft. “I love these windows up here,” he gushed, flipped the phone back around. “Can you imagine opening these up at night? Or the morning? Or all day, if the weather is nice? I know it will rain, but there’s nice weather, too. I’ll have them put the bed over here,” Jason pointed out in front of his phone at a space next to the windows, “and we’ll be able to just lay there and look out.” He walked over to the wall of windows that wrapped around almost two full sides of the room.

Mike nodded. “It’s going to be great. Show me the rest. The bathroom and the closet. And that little corner with the built-in bookshelves I loved!” He could hear the excitement that had crept into his voice as Jason had walked him around the new house and he tried to keep it down. He didn’t want to ruin his evening with Chester by getting excited over the house he wasn’t even sure he was going to ever live in. He watched as Jason crossed the room and showed off the bookshelves, then over to the walk-in closet, and then finally the bathroom. It was all beautiful, and Mike wanted to be as excited as he had been when he and Jason had walked through it together the first time, but he wasn’t. Chester was upstairs, and they had had a very deep and meaningful conversation. A healing conversation, one that could potentially put them on the path of reconciliation. Mike was struggling with the desire to meet that reconciliation and all of the work that would take head on, or escape to Seattle where everything was neatly packaged and presented, his life in order.

Chester twisted around and situated his pillow behind his back so he could lean against it comfortably. He listened to Mike and, to a lesser extent Jason, as the conversation about their new life together continued downstairs. It sounded nice, from what he could hear, and that stung as much as it sent a wave of relief over Chester’s thoughts. _I want him to be happy. I can’t give him any of that stuff. He’s going to go and have the nice life that he wants. His school and the fancy place to live. All the bookshelves. We didn’t even have any bookshelves here._ He glanced around the room, and his frown sunk a little deeper. _He’ll have lots of books at Jason’s. I should have bought him a book. The whole time we were together and I never bought him a book. Or a bookshelf to put it on. I should have done more for him. I wish I had more money. I would buy him a bookshelf, and books to go on it. All the books. Fuck it. It doesn’t matter now. I can’t think like that. I’m not listening anymore. I’m picking us out a movie._

He reached for the remote, and waited for the television to flicker on before he started to cruise through their options. It was a quick jump to decide that they should watch something funny, something that would make them laugh. _I don’t want to be sad or hurt. I just fucking don’t. I’ve been hurt enough through all this. I know I’m not the boyfriend, and I want him to be happy…so I’m happy for him and his new house and his new smart boyfriend and all their books. I’m going to be happy for him. I love him…I want him to be happy._

He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes before he picked a movie he knew they both found amusing. He leaned his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes. He concentrated on his breathing, and started a mental list of things he would do when he got home, after the movie was over. _I really need to get my shoes organized. I’ve got to get that done. Not sure what my problem is. I need to write in my journal before I pass out. Maybe I’ll have a drink when I get home. Home. Guess that’s what it is for now. Amir’s always got something around. I’ll have a drink and sit in my closet and try to fix my shoes._

“I’m going to at least get this room all set up,” Jason was saying before he noticed Mike’s face. “Hey, what’s wrong? You look a little down.” He flipped the camera back around so that Mike could see him, too.

Mike pushed a smile. “I just wish I was there, that’s all.” He scrubbed at his hair with one hand and looked at Jason. “It’s going to be so nice when you get the furniture in place.” He watched Jason nod, then walk back over to the windows. “Wow, look at all that light in there. That corner across from the bed will be a great place to paint during the day.” Mike was trying to make the conversation sound natural, but his mind was elsewhere, trying to figure out what to do. Jason was there, in Seattle, expecting him. Chester was upstairs, right now, expecting nothing from him. The only place he wanted to be right now was upstairs with his face smashed in a pillow while Chester played with his hair. He felt the conflict of his history with Chester and his future with Jason, and he wanted to ignore it all for the rest of the night.

“I wish you were here, too,” Jason said, a softer smile on his lips, a relief pulling at him that Mike’s reactions to everything seemed genuine. _Maybe I’ve been worrying for nothing. I’ve got to stop that. And stop wondering if we’re doing the right thing. It’s going to be fine. Once he’s here, we’ll be fine. I won’t have time to worry. I won’t have time to think about Ry._ “It’s not as exciting without you. But… soon. It won’t be long.” He took a long look at Mike’s face, his hair and dark eyes, the lips he loved. “You look tired. You should give yourself a practice break and go to bed early.” He waited and saw Mike nod his head in agreement.

“Yeah, I’m tired.” Mike covered his mouth and yawned just at the suggestion of being sleepy. “I’ll be up a little while longer, but not too late,” he promised. “I hope tomorrow goes well, the training and all. And the delivery. You’ll have a busy day.”

“Very busy. But busy is good. Less time for me to miss you.” Jason wandered back downstairs and into the kitchen. “I’ll Facetime you again when everything is here. It might be later tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” Mike agreed. “I’ll be here.” The thought that he might _not_ be there struck him, but it was too late now. He’d have to make sure he was home. 

Jason studied Mike’s face for another minute and decided that his boyfriend was tired and lonely, that was all it was. “I’ll let you get back to practicing. Auditions will be here soon.” Mike nodded and Jason hesitated. Mike hadn’t said anything about the note he left on the counter, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know if the reason was because he hadn’t seen it, or because he didn’t want to return the sentiment. He decided to just say it anyway. “Good night, sweetheart. I love you.”

Mike blinked but kept his eyes from looking up toward the loft. “I love you, too,” he said, his voice lower. He knew the chances of Chester having heard their entire conversation were high, but he couldn’t do anything about it now. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Mike ended the call and sat at his keyboard for a few minutes, looking at the wall. Thinking. Wondering what he was going to do. Hearing Jason say I love you was so different from hearing Chester say it, and all the reasons why swirled around in his head. _I don’t want to think about all of that now. I only want to think about tonight._ He stood up and rounded the stairs, ready to go back to Chester. 

Chester heard Mike tell Jason goodbye, and he ignored the _I love you, too_ that went with it. That was none of his business, and he was determined to keep that mindset. Saying anything would just upset Mike, and that wasn’t the point of their last two weeks together. Chester took a deep breath, and readied himself for when Mike would be back upstairs. 

Mike knew they couldn’t completely ignore the conversation he’d just had with Jason, but he was hoping as he climbed the steps that it wouldn’t turn into a huge ordeal. He was all mixed up inside, and not sure that he could put accurate words to what he was feeling. _And Ches said not to make promises I couldn’t keep. I have to be careful._ He stepped into the bedroom and Chester was still on the bed, propped on the pillow a little, with the television on. “Hey,” he called softly, crossing the room in front of the bed, “what did you find to watch?” 

“I figured something funny would be best,” Chester said as his eyes moved with Mike. He seemed nervous, anxious or maybe both. For a second Chester thought about saying something, but everything sounded wrong in his head. _He’ll take it wrong if I ask about the phone call. Again, not my business._ “But if you want to watch something else, we can,” he said, pointing at the television with the remote. 

“Funny is good,” Mike decided, hovering near his side of the bed. He checked to see that his phone was on silent before he put it face down on the little nightstand. “Are you comfortable? Do you need anything before I lay down?” He wanted to climb on the bed and bury his face in the space between Chester’s neck and shoulder and not get up until morning. 

Chester looked down at his lap, then to his bandaged foot. He knew he should probably prop it up a little, but he didn’t feel like it. “I’m good,” he answered simply. “You can lay down.” His eyes dropped to the blue pillow top mattress. “It’s weird without any sheets or blankets on it. It almost feels like we snuck in and we’re crashing on someone’s old mattress they don’t use anymore. Which, I guess that’s kinda true.” 

Mike smiled a little as he got on the bed and stretched out next to Chester. “It is weird.” He stopped and then turned on his side to look at Chester’s profile. “I haven’t been up here since you left. Well, the night after you left. The night Ryan left. God.” Mike rolled his eyes and told himself to shut up. “Sorry. I, I just love seeing you there. It feels good, Ches.” He reached out and slid his hand down Chester’s arm. “It would feel even better to wake up with you there. I wish I could fall asleep with you. I could just fall asleep right now. No movie necessary.” His lips twisted in thought before he sighed. 

Chester sat still, his focus on the bottom half of Mike. _He’s asking me to stay. He’s tired and I’m sure he doesn’t want to go back out. Staying is okay, I guess. We’re not going to do anything we haven’t already done._ His eyes rolled up Mike’s body to his face. _He’s right. He’s going to be out before the movie even gets started._

“I can stay, if you want,” Chester offered. “I just need to shoot Amir a text to let him know I won’t be home. You’d never know it, but he tends to worry.” 

Mike looked up, catching Chester’s eyes. He hoped that the clarity he saw in them was the real thing, not his ex-boyfriend trying to do what he thought Mike wanted. “Of course you can text Amir, but do you really want to stay? You don’t sound sure. You said _if I want._ I want you to stay because you want to.” He bit his bottom lip and chewed on it for a second before he added, “I just want to sleep, Ches. I don’t want you to think I’m asking you to stay for sex or something. I just want you close. But only if you want to be here with me. I don’t have any sheets, but I’ve got a blanket and body heat.” He smiled a little and hoped Chester would want the little bit he was offering. 

It didn’t take much. The big brown eyes staring up at Chester got him every single time. “I want to be close, too,” he answered honestly. “Hang on.” He looked away and reached for his cell phone that was beside him on the bed. He quickly sent Amir a text, and then turned his phone off. “Let me lay down. If you get the lights, we’ll skip this movie and crash instead,” he offered. It wasn’t late, but the thought of snuggling up under their one little blanket, letting their skin touch and getting the opportunity to wrap their arms around each other was a nice one. 

“Do you want help getting out of those clothes? You know. For the body heat. It transfers better from person to person when you’re naked. I hear, anyway.” Mike sat up and grinned as he went to yank his t-shirt off over his head. 

Chester curled his lips together, holding back his smile. It was funny to see Mike zipping from practically passing out seconds ago, to sitting up and ripping clothes off with enthusiasm. “Body heat does work that way,” Chester confirmed. He looked down at what he was wearing, and decided quickly that sleeping in any of it wouldn’t really be comfortable. “I’ll probably need some help,” he admitted as he pulled his shirt off. 

It took a few minutes to get them both down to underwear, but Mike was careful of Chester’s foot and making sure he was all set to sleep before he turned off the lights and the tv and climbed back into bed. He reached down to the folded blanket and pulled it up to cover them both before he got close, sliding an arm across Chester’s stomach. “Is this okay? I know you can’t really turn on your side to sleep the way we always do. But I want to cuddle.” He snorted softly. “Saying that out loud sounds so silly. But it’s true.” 

“It’s not silly,” Chester whispered. Their heads were close, and Chester turned his to rub his nose and lips against Mike’s cheek. “And this is fine. I’d rather be on my side though. I bet I can do it. Sleeping on my back has _not_ been fun.” He waited for Mike to pull his arm back before he carefully twisted onto his side. He made sure to move his hurt ankle slowly, and get it out of the way of the other three legs at the bottom of the bed. 

Mike waited until Chester settled down again and got still before he pressed in against him, close the way they had fallen asleep so many times. It wasn’t perfect. They didn’t have sheets, or their blankets. They hadn’t showered, and Mike didn’t have pajamas. They hadn’t even brushed their teeth. But when Mike put his arm around Chester to pull him close and kiss the back of his neck before he whispered, “good night,” it felt perfect. It felt like coming home. He closed his eyes in the darkness and nuzzled his face in close to Chester’s skin. “I love you, Ches.” 

The feel of Mike’s body up against him was more than inviting. Chester’s eyes were already closed, his whole body heavy with the sleep that wanted to knock him down and take him under. He hadn’t even realized he was tired until now. “I love you, too,” he answered as he wiggled his ass a little more into Mike. The act of laying down together to rest was one he missed dearly, and it was easy to let his mind drift into the safe place of being in Mike’s arms. 

****  
TBC


	34. Avoiding Reality Part 1

The loft bedroom wasn’t quite lit up with the full strength of the morning sun yet when Chester’s eyes eased open. He saw the shadows of the furniture and the open doorway to the stairs before he shut it all out. He was warm, and he pressed himself back against the body behind him. It was a subconscious act, one he didn’t fully realize he’d even done until his eyes popped back open. _That’s right. I’m in our room. Our old room. I wonder what time it is._ He lifted his head to look at the nightstand before remembering there was no clock. _Oh well. It can’t be too late, it’s not bright enough in here yet._

The decision to not get up was quick. He moved only slightly, pulling one of Mike’s legs a little closer with his good foot, and snuggling deeper into his pillow with a yawn. He’d been sleeping alone for weeks, and waking up with the person he loved most in the world curled up to his back was his idea of the best way to greet the day. _It’s Monday. No work for me...he has to go though. We really need a clock in here._ It was a drowsy thought as he laid still, waiting for sleep to come back for him. 

Even in his sleep, Mike felt his leg being pulled and Chester’s back against him. His entire being knew it was Chester whose body he was wrapped around. He’d slept all night through without really moving, and despite not wanting to wake up, he already felt more rested than he had in days. Mike pulled Chester against him a little tighter and brushed his lips over his lover’s neck without even opening his eyes. “Morning,” he whispered, trying to gauge what time it was by how light the room was. It seemed early, which was good. He had to take Chester all the way back to Amir’s before he went to work at nine. 

The sound of Mike’s voice brought a smile to Chester’s lips. “Morning,” he answered back. “Did I wake you up? I was trying not to be too greedy with you, but your leg wasn’t close enough.” He twisted his head around, trying to see behind him. 

“It’s fine,” Mike mumbled. “I don’t want to sleep until it’s time to go. We need to shower and I have to take you home. I wanted to have some time with you, too. It’s going to be a long day until I can see you again.” He kissed Chester’s cheek but couldn’t quite reach his lips the way they were arranged. 

Chester reached his arm behind him, petting over Mike’s bare skin - his chest, stomach, hip, a stray nipple - anything he could touch. “What do you feel like doing tonight? I can’t go to work, so I’ll be a sloth all day.” He scrunched his face up for a second at the thought. He hated having nothing to do. 

“I _feel_ like staying in bed with you all day, but I have to go teach eight kids. It’s a full day.” Mike sighed. “They’re fun, but not as fun as you.” He rubbed his hand along Chester’s side. “Tonight. Hmmm. I don’t know, Ches. But you’ve got all day to figure it out.” He meant for his words to sound teasing, but they just came out all sleepy and mumbly instead. 

“You’re leaving me in charge of the schedule?” Chester asked before he pulled away a little to roll onto his back. Mike’s hand slid with him, and it was resting on his stomach as he looked his lover in the eyes. “That could be dangerous. I’ll try not to come up with anything too wild. You poor thing, everytime I see you, you look exhausted.” He reached over and trailed a finger down Mike’s cheek.

Mike let his eyes drift shut again. “I haven’t been sleeping well,” he admitted. “Last night was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in weeks. I’m pretty sure that’s because of you.” He spread his fingers over Chester’s warm belly and stroked his skin softly, thinking. _I hate not knowing where we stand. If I can just kiss him or not. I want to be able to kiss him if I want to, but that’s what boyfriends do. I’m not allowed to just do what I want anymore. He makes me feel so good._

“I haven’t been sleeping the best either,” Chester said, his eyes closed as he enjoyed Mike’s touch. “That feels good.” Without looking, he returned the affection, his fingers drifting over pieces of Mike’s belly that was right next to him. “I guess we miss each other, even in our sleep.”

_That sounded cheesy. I’m so pathetic,_ Chester mentally admonished himself before he cleared his throat, and rolled to his side so he and Mike could face each other, all while subconsciously keeping his hurt leg out of the mix. “I mean, you know, old habits are hard to break.”

“I do miss you in my sleep,” Mike whispered, shifting his body a little closer and sliding his hand around to Chester’s back. He could kiss him easily but he waited. “How’s your ankle, babe?” 

Chester’s injured leg hadn’t been much on his mind yet, and he moved it at the mention of it. “Actually, it feels good. Usually everything’s a little stiff in the morning, but it feels fine.” He carefully moved his leg around under the blanket again before he smiled. “I’ll be ready to get back to normal activities. You know, walking and jumping on the bed.” He raised his eyebrow as he looked into Mike’s dark eyes that were covered in shadows from the low light. His hand snaked up over Mike’s hip before he leaned his head forward, placing a soft kiss to his face with a quiet hum.

“Jumping on the bed,” Mike repeated with a short laugh. “You do _so_ much of that.” He turned his head to line up their lips in a real good morning kiss. It was light and easy, the two of them barely putting any pressure behind the connection, but it was enough for Mike to know he wouldn’t be pushed away. He hated the uncertain feelings that swirled inside him every time he’d been close to Chester the past few days, and even though he knew that was a product of his own choices, it didn’t make it easier. He barely suckled at Chester’s bottom lip before he let their kiss break. 

Chester’s fingers clung to Mike’s hip, somewhere between his bare skin and the fabric of his boxers. “It’s not that I do it a lot, but that I _can_ do it, once my ankle is better,” he clarified before shutting his eyes to take another kiss. He took Mike’s bottom lip this time, and played with it with both his teeth and tongue before letting go. “Morning kisses are my favorite,” he whispered, pulling back. 

“Morning everything is my favorite.” Mike touched his nose to Chester’s and smiled. “Thank you for staying last night. You know how much I hate waking up, but it’s not so bad when you’re here.” He slid his hand up Chester’s back and then lightly dragged his nails across the warm skin, barely scratching. “I love touching you. And looking at you. And kissing you.” He pulled his nails down Chester’s spine and leaned in to kiss the spot under Chester’s chin where his pulse was. Mike left a few damp kisses down Chester’s neck before he moved to look into his eyes, hoping he would see a return of the affection he was feeling. 

The sensation of Mike’s nails sliding all the way down his back was glorious, a feeling that Chester had always relished when they were together. His hips bucked a little, the moment Mike’s hand got to the small of his back. “Sexy Boy,” he cooed before lifting his hand to Mike’s face. “I’ve missed that. All of it. All of you.” He brought their lips together, this kiss going a little deeper than the playful ones before it. Chester felt his insides pull as his tongue met Mike’s. 

Mike was careful of Chester’s leg as he maneuvered him off his side and onto his back, leaning over him as they kissed. His hand went from Chester’s back to slide up his arm but when he got to his shoulder, he stopped. One habit he knew had to go was pulling Chester into him with a hand around his neck, and Mike was hyper aware of where his hand was as their tongues moved together and he barely inched a leg over his lover’s. It wouldn’t take much for him to be the one suggesting a morning romp before showering. Mike pulled back for air and admired the flush on Chester’s cheeks. “I’ve missed it all, too. You feel so good.” He shifted his hips forward a little to let Chester feel the arousal that was already evident.

Chester’s hand was in Mike’s hair, his fingers opening and closing. “You feel good, too,” he whispered. He trailed his fingers down to Mike’s ear, and pressed them right behind his ear, right on his spot. He watched as Mike’s eyes closed, his lips parting as he moaned soft and low. “You turn me on so easily,” Chester said, pulling Mike down for another kiss. He kept one hand on Mike’s head, his other reaching out to touch his arm, then his side, trying to coax him closer. 

It was easy to read the signals after so many years together. Mike planted his hand on one side of Chester’s head and crawled over on top of him, hovering between his legs. “I don’t want to hurt your leg,” he whispered, dropping kisses on Chester’s face. “Tell me if you need me to help you move it.”

“It’s fine,” Chester assured him, tilting his chin up to kiss Mike’s neck. “I can move my leg, it’s just my silly ankle.” He pressed his lips to his lover’s warm skin. He slid both hands down Mike’s bare sides, his fingertips teasing under the waistband of his boxers. 

Mike balanced his weight on one arm and moved his hand to touch Chester’s cheek. “I know I keep asking, but I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret later.” He ran one fingertip over Chester’s bottom lip as he looked into his eyes. “It’s the last time I’ll ask this morning, I promise. Can we make love, Ches? I want to make you feel good.” Part of Mike knew that Chester wouldn’t say no, but there was always a chance that he’d stop them. 

Chester brought one hand up, laying it on the side of Mike’s face. “Hey,” he whispered, “I already told you what I want. I’m not going to regret anything...so are you asking for me or for you?” He stroked his fingers lightly into Mike’s beard. “We can always make love, Mike, just make sure that’s what _you_ want.” He picked his head up so he could reach Mike’s lips, plopping a chaste kiss to them. 

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t what I wanted.” Mike let his body sink down into Chester’s, getting a little bit of friction going as he moved his hips. He couldn’t put words to his feelings, he only knew that he was pulled to Chester in a way that he had never been pulled to anyone else. Considerations of whether that was right or wrong due to the relationship he’d started with Jason weren’t part of Mike’s thoughts or feelings. Everything felt as though it clicked into place when he was with Chester, and all Mike could think about was showing that love to him. 

He could feel Chester’s body clinging to him as he rubbed their lower halves together, the sensations impeded by the underwear they both still had on. It was fine, for the moment. Mike knew he’d have to get up and go downstairs to dig around for lube in a minute, which was a huge inconvenience. He was already half hard and it wouldn’t be long before he’d have Chester ready to go, too. He knew exactly where to touch and kiss to make that happen, and he closed his eyes to drag his lips across Chester’s collarbone and then his shoulder. “I love you. This is right where I want to be.” 

Chester’s hurt ankle was still on the bed, but his good leg was up. His knee was bent and a second later he curled his leg over Mike’s back as they shifted together on the bed, their cocks pressed together. “I love you, too,” he panted between kisses to Mike’s face and neck. One arm was slung over his lover’s shoulder as he lifted his hips now and again to add in extra friction and connection. “Fuck, you’re making me wet,” he managed to say just as a hit of arousal ran through him when Mike rubbed against him in just the right way. Chester opened his eyes to look up, the familiar sight of the slowly spinning ceiling fan bringing a smile to his face.

Mike smiled against Chester’s skin. “Good.” He let his lips go lower and then he licked one of Chester’s nipples and blew a little stream of air on it, watching it harden up and the goosebumps rise around it. “I’ve got to go get us some lube. I should do it now before I can’t make myself get up.” He lifted his head and looked at the other nipple, which looked sad without his attention. Mike licked at it and then grazed his teeth over it and smiled when they both matched. Two hard little pink nubs that he wanted to tease. “Think you can get your underwear off by yourself while I do that?” 

Chester’s smile was up to his eyes. “Well I could,” he laughed, as he lifted Mike’s chin to look at him. “But I hate to let you go.” He pushed Mike’s long hair from his eyes. “But I guess I have to. I’ll be naked when you get back.” He touched one finger to Mike’s nose. “Promise.” 

Mike kissed Chester’s fingertip. “I’ll be fast.” He forced himself to get up, his body screaming at the loss of Chester’s body heat, and he reached down to get his erection arranged so he could walk. “Get naked,” he ordered playfully and then took off down the stairs. He knew there was lube in the bathroom, the only room that didn’t have everything in it packed up and gone. 

Upstairs, Chester was struggling with his underwear. _This would have been easier before I was hard._ He managed to get them off his hips, being extra careful, before pulling his good leg out. He sat up, and leaned forward as he unlaced them from his leg and around his bandaged ankle and foot. He let out a triumphant sigh of relief and then tossed them over to the empty top of the nightstand. 

He looked toward the stairs, but he couldn’t see or hear Mike. His next move was an impulse. Logistics of how to make it work shot through his mind before he could even comprehend the decision he was making. He scooted himself around, his legs off the side of the bed before twisting to get up on his knees. He was close enough to the edge, that his ankle was hanging in the air. He waited, up on his hands and knees for a second as he did a few test moves. He wiggled his ass and spread his legs a little further apart. He moved his hips in the same motion he knew Mike’s thrusts would be pushing him, and his ankle had no issue with any of it. “Cool.” He mumbled to himself before he looked over his shoulder. 

Already Chester could feel anticipation flowing through his fingers and his dick. Making love to Mike on his back, where they could kiss and go slow and look each other in the eyes was amazing, but a quick romp from behind was also outstanding. Chester shut his eyes, his hips swaying back and forth as he started to hum while he waited. 

It took Mike less than a minute to locate the lube and then he was back across the loft. He looked out the windows on the way back to the stairs and smiled. The sun rise was throwing shades of pink and orange out over the ocean and it was a moment he would have stopped and watched if Chester hadn’t been waiting upstairs. _Naked. I hope._ He was too eager to get back to what they had been doing. With the lube in his left hand he climbed the stairs, coming to a dead halt when he saw Chester’s naked ass facing him. A grin popped over his face before he could stop it. “Ches, what are you doing?” His right hand went straight to the front of his boxers to stroke himself as he looked at the appealing sight in front of him.

Chester looked over his shoulder and batted his eyes. “Come and get me, Sexy Boy.” He puckered his lips and made a kissing sound. “I told you I missed all of you...and that includes moments like this.” He shook his little ass with a laugh.

“You’re a mess,” Mike said even though he was quickly getting out of his boxers. “And you know I can’t resist a sight like that. You are so fucking sexy.” He was right up behind Chester in a heartbeat, kicking away his boxers and popping open the lube, all at one time. He poured a decent amount into his hand, but instead of using it on himself, he leaned over, nestling his dick between Chester’s butt cheeks as he went around Chester’s hip and smoothed his slick hand over his cock instead. He felt the shudder through his lover’s body as he stroked him slowly, his thumb and finger making a tight ring at the top to tease Chester’s mushroom head. “How’s that feeling?” he husked, his lips grazing along Chester’s shoulder. 

“Fantastic,” was the only word to come out of Chester’s mouth, everything else was a moan or grunt. Mike’s hand knew exactly what it was doing, where to tug, to put pressure, to rub against. He felt Mike’s thumb slide back and forth over his slit, making him leak even more, and Chester pushed his ass back up against the hard cock behind him. It was a double assault, and it had his fingernails digging into the mattress. His heart was pumping as he wiggled and pushed back again, wanting the contact and the feel of Mike’s dick up against his opening. 

“I think you want more,” Mike whispered, taking Chester’s hip in his free hand and pulling him back a little as he pressed his hips forward before letting him go completely. He heard Chester’s whimper and a devilish grin crossed his lips. “Impatient. Don’t you worry, I’ve got you.” He reached for the lube again and got himself all slicked up, taking an extra second to enjoy the feel of his hand around his cock. It was nothing compared to what Chester would feel like around his cock, and he was so ready. Mike let go of himself and ran a slick finger over Chester’s opening, ready to get his fingers into the action. “You ready? Or should I just play with you right here a little while longer?” 

“I’m ready,” Chester answered after a second’s thought. If they had more time, he would have teased Mike back to keep things going, but the bedroom was getting lighter by the second as the time ticked away. He spread his knees just a little further apart. “I’m up for more fingers,” he added as the thought of being stretched really well before Mike’s plump cock got involved hit. “We should shoot for three.” He looked over his shoulder. “One to start with, of course,” he added, even though he knew Mike wouldn’t dare shove three fingers into him without any preparation. 

“Three,” Mike hummed, his eyebrows lifting in surprise. He wasn’t sure what had happened in the four minutes it took him to go downstairs and get the lube, but Chester was in a mood. He wasted no time circling his finger and getting everything nice and slick before he prodded the first finger in carefully, his insides twisting with anticipation as he did so. Even though he’d done this more times than he could count, getting one step closer to sex always ramped up his arousal. It was hard not to go too fast. Mike took a deep breath and watched his finger slowly move in and out, his cock responding to the sight by getting even stiffer. He was so ready to go. “Want another now?” 

Chester nodded. “I’m ready, Sexy Boy. I love your fingers. They’re so fucking long...and trained.” He grinned as he looked behind him. “I trained those fingers,” he laughed with a smirk. 

“Yeah you did.” Mike pulled his one finger out and went back in with two. He heard Chester’s sexy gasp of air and reminded himself to go slow. He got them in, and with care scissored them, stretching Chester a little bit more with each push. The teasing banter was long gone as they both listened to each other’s breathing. Mike could recognize without asking when it stopped being unpleasant and starting feeling good, and he let Chester enjoy those sensations for a second before he said, “you’re ready, I can tell. You want another, don’t you?” His voice was raspy with desire and he was ready to forego fingers, but Chester had asked for three. He wanted to give him what he’d requested. 

Chester’s mouth was hanging open as he breathed. Mike’s hand had come to a stop, his fingers still inside of him. “Three,” he said, his eyes closed. “Three for just a minute.” He opened his eyes with a wince as he felt Mike’s fingers pull back a little, and then the slight burning sensation that came with stretching as the third digit sunk in with the other two. “Fuuuuck,” Chester moaned, his grip on the bed tightening for the few seconds it took for his body to adjust, to flip over to the other side of sheer pleasure. 

Chester’s arms came out from under him, his upper half going to the mattress as his back bent into the familiar curved shape. His cheek was halfway on the gray blanket as he felt his bottom opening up to everything Mike was doing. “I want you,” he said in a hoarse breath. “Mike, now.” 

Mike pulled his fingers out slowly and took a calming breath. It would be far too easy to just slam into Chester right away. He’d been watching every move his hand made and he was past the point of needy, his cock dripping precum to the floor. “Okay,” he murmured, taking his cock in his hand and lining himself up. The normal push, the bit of resistance he was so used to, wasn’t as pronounced this time. His three fingers had done a good job of preparation, and Mike’s cock slipped right inside. He bit his bottom lip in a groan, his eyes shut tightly as he held onto Chester’s hips and wiggled himself inside. “_Fuck._” Mike’s knees were wobbly with adrenaline and desire. He pulled back a little and sank the rest of the way inside Chester’s body, holding still to savor that first moment of complete connection. 

Chester’s arms were sprawled out on either side of his head. His bottom felt full - a feeling he loved and craved - and the weight of Mike’s body right up against his ass made it even better. He reached one arm back, lifting his hand as he blindly groped for his lover. “Where are you?” he asked, the side of his face pressed into the bed. “I want your hand, just for a second.”

Mike’s head was dropped and his mouth open as he breathed and got himself under control, but he heard Chester and let go of his hip, reaching for his hand instead. “Right here, Ches. I’m right here.” He laced his fingers into Chester’s and leaned over to kiss him, right in the center of his back. “This is so good.”

Chester squeezed Mike’s fingers. “It is. I love you so much.” His breathing was rapid but steady as he stayed still, drowning in the moment of having Mike inside of him. He knew that the moment was fleeting, that very soon there would be moans and orgasms and sweaty skin smacking together, but for just a few seconds, it was more. 

“I love you, too.” Mike dropped a few more kisses to Chester’s back, then slowly pulled his hand away from Chester’s grip and moved it over to his cock instead. He felt the quake in Chester’s thighs, his anal muscles contracting in pleasure as he stroked him slowly, without moving within him. It was all he could do to concentrate and go slow when he wanted to grab Chester’s hips and pound him into the mattress, but this was better. He would get to that part in a minute. Right now he wanted to hold still and feel every tremble and reaction that his hand and his cock could get from Chester’s body. “I can feel you,” he whispered, moving his thumb up and over Chester’s leaking slit. “I can feel everything.” 

Chester was planted right there on the mattress. Mike’s weight on top, his cock inside, it equalled Chester being completely immobile. “I want you to feel it all,” he said, as his dick twitched and pulsed under his lover’s touch. He didn’t miss when Mike’s lips cascaded around his back, or when his hand pumped him a little faster, and Chester couldn’t stop the tremble in his legs as his orgasm came close. 

Mike knew all the signs and he wasn’t ready for Chester to come, not yet. Without a word he let Chester’s dick go. He heard the distressed moan from the back of his lover’s throat, but Mike knew he was going to do better now. With his bottom lip caught in his teeth he took Chester’s hips back in both hands and he started to move, a slow rhythm of long strokes in and out, and back in again, pressing as far inside Chester’s body as he could get. He moved Chester’s ass around a little with each stroke, trying for the best angle. It all felt good to him, but he knew if he could find Chester’s prostate, it would be better for his lover. The process of finding it was fun, but Mike knew once he did, it would be on. Despite their current position, he’d managed to draw this out much longer than he usually did, and his cock was screaming at him for _more._

A few more strokes and adjustments, and Mike finally felt the tip of his cock poke something squishier, and he heard Chester’s moan. “Yes, that’s it babe,” he said, tightening his fingers and holding Chester in place. “I feel it, right there. You like that?” he panted, keeping his aim true with every thrust. 

Chester’s eyes were squeezed tight as he shouted, “Fuck, yes!” He was hanging on for dear life as Mike hit his spot over and over. It wasn’t going to take long and the coil in his balls was going to let go. It was already building at maximum speed, like Chester’s orgasm was on a bullet. His mouth fell open as he breathed and his toes curled, even with his injured ankle, which he couldn’t feel at all. 

“Yes, yes, come for me, Ches!” Mike gritted his teeth as he kept the pace and held on tightly. He could feel his own orgasm on the fringes, ready to burst through, but it was a practice they had perfected. Chester first, then Mike. He had to hold on until Chester let go.

It was only seconds between Mike’s sexy begging command and Chester’s body rushing over the wall. His eyes shot open as he felt the release, his cum spilling to the mattress under him as he felt his balls empty in a gush. Everything quaked, his ass, his legs, even his back seemed to convulse in that moment of ecstasy. 

The feeling of Chester’s orgasm was one Mike loved. It was as familiar as his own. He kept going, savoring the seconds of release when everything seized so tightly around his cock, and enjoyed the way it seemed to wring all the energy out of Chester when it was over. It was a feeling of deep accomplishment and one he looked forward to every time they had sex. Feeling Chester come was all it took for Mike to follow, and as his lover’s body quieted beneath him, Mike felt his own orgasm rush in its place, his cum emptying freely into Chester’s body. He loved that moment when it all came together, the peak of his body wound so tightly and then letting all that tension go. It was all involuntary, his thrusts and the way his eyes shut tight, his fingers held on to his lover and his body rode out all the pleasure. 

As his hips slowed and then stilled, Mike became aware of just how fast his heart was racing, and how limply Chester was splayed on the bed beneath him. He cracked his eyes and an indulgent smile drifted lazily over his lips. “You’re fucking amazing, you know that?” 

“I know,” Chester mumbled with a satisfied grin following his words. “You are, too. Fuck, Mike, I feel like a pancake. Mmmmm...pancakes.” His smile turned to a lick of his lips before he picked his head up and blinked his eyes, trying to get all his senses back in order before Mike would have to pull out. 

“Pancakes sound good,” Mike replied. There was a brief thought of calling out of work for the day, but he knew he shouldn’t. “Damn. I want to just sleep all day now. And then wake up and do it all over again.” He smiled as he kissed Chester’s shoulder. “That’s a dream world right there. Pancakes, sleep, and sex, on a never ending cycle.” 

Chester laughed. “I’d be out of my mind on sugar if we got into that rotation.” He wet his lips, his throat and mouth dry. “Let’s move, Sexy Boy. I want to pee and shower and eat pancakes with you now.” 

Mike lifted up and sighed. “Hold on, then,” he said softly, then carefully pulled out. There was always a wince on both sides, but he knew it was far more uncomfortable for Chester than it was for him. “If we’re going to do all that before work, we better get moving. It will have to be the quickest shower ever.” 

Chester moved forward on the bed, the second he felt Mike separate from him, and collapsed. “Okay. Quickest shower ever coming right up,” he mumbled. He rolled over on his back, slowly, as he watched where his hurt ankle was. “Damn, that was good.” 

“It’s _always_ good,” Mike affirmed, scratching over his stomach and then his chest lazily. “We’ve got to get downstairs. How can I help?” 

Chester sat up, his breathing finally back to normal as he swallowed. He looked from their naked bodies over to the stairs. “Well, I can just do the reverse of what I did last night. If you don’t mind my naked ass on the steps.” He leaned over to kiss Mike’s shoulder. “Oh, well, wait.” He stopped, his eyebrows narrowing in thought. “I don’t have any clean clothes here...and I’m all kinds of sticky.” He purposely stuck his bottom lip out, his piercing dragging it even lower as he looked at Mike for an answer. 

“You can wear something of mine,” Mike said simply, as if they had shared clothes before. Chester’s waist was smaller than Mike’s, but he was sure he could find something that would stay on his skinny hips. “It might be a little big, but how sexy would it be for you to wear my clothes to breakfast?” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully and reached out his hand to pull Chester up from the bed. 

“If you just help me to the stairs, I can boot-scoot down,” Chester instructed as they made very slow progress across the short space. He felt Mike’s arm around his back, and together they slumped down, Chester’s ass landing on the first step before Mike let him go. “I’ll see you at the bottom,” Chester called over his shoulder before he started, one step at a time.

Mike couldn’t help it. He followed along with crutches in one hand, one step behind Chester the entire way, just in case he was needed. When they got to the bottom and he lifted Chester back to his feet, Mike congratulated him for his spectacular ability to navigate the steps. “It’s a good thing you don’t have to do that all the time,” he said, plopping a kiss to Chester’s lips. “I could see that getting old really fast.” 

“Just a couple more weeks, then I get a better boot so I don’t need the crutches, and then eventually nothing.” He grinned before reality hit him. Mike wasn’t going to be around for any of that. Chester pushed the thought away as they headed for the bathroom. “Too bad we don’t have time to make this a sexy shower. Not that I could like this,” he amended with a shrug. “I love our showers together.”

“A sexy shower?” Laughter bubbled up from Mike’s chest immediately. “Ches, we literally just finished having sex. You want more?” He reached out and lightly tapped Chester on the ass. “I swear, you’re just trying to make me late this morning, aren’t you?” The idea of their shower becoming a sexy shower was appealing, but Mike knew they had to behave. They’d taken a non-sexy shower together before. At least he thought they had. “Hmmm. Have we ever had a non-sexy shower?” he asked as he helped Chester over to the bathroom, leaving the crutches by the bar. 

“We have,” Chester answered as they stepped into the bathroom together, and Chester had the free hand to reach over and turn the light on. The immediate pop of brightness was a bit much, but it faded quickly. “And I’m not saying I’m ready to have sex again already,” he smirked as he twisted his head to plop an open lip kiss to Mike’s neck, up close under his ear. “I’m just saying it’s an activity I miss.” He managed to get sat down on the toilet, where he started unwrapping his ankle, leaving the bandages on the vanity counter.

“Well this is all business,” Mike said, moving around to start the water and get towels. He caught Chester’s eyes and they both smiled, knowing it would be hard to just get clean and not let it turn into soapy touches and massages, with kisses thrown into the mix. Every part of his body felt happy and satisfied, and he hoped Chester felt the same way as he helped him into the shower and steadied him under the water. 

After only a few minutes of standing on just one leg, Chester was already over the shower. If he had a watch on, he could have timed them to see just how fast they’d managed to soap and shampoo and get rinsed off, all with only one kiss shared between them. 

“I’m ready to sit down,” Chester whined once Mike had turned the water off and they were both getting out to grab towels and get dried off. “You don’t think about how much you need both legs till you don’t have one.” 

“Almost finished,” Mike soothed as he patted Chester’s back dry for him. “We can get you over to the couch and I’ll try to find you some clothes that come close to fitting. Oh! And a flannel.” He wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. “You’re gonna look so hot in my flannel, babe.” 

The groan that erupted from Chester’s throat was almost inhuman. “Not flannel, Sexy Boy.” He watched as Mike laughed and grinned, all while drying himself off. “It’s like fashion torture.” He didn’t miss Mike’s eye roll, and he let out a huff as he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend’s naked shoulders before they slowly headed back out to the living space. “I need to wrap my ankle back up before we get dressed. Look at it, it’s gross. It’s all black and blue.” 

Mike glanced down and he had to agree. Chester’s ankle didn’t look great. He wasn’t sure they should have been doing anything that involved not having that ankle elevated. “It looks pretty bad. I’ll help you with that, too.” He guided him over to the couch and sat him down. “Let me see what I can find for you.”

He turned to kneel next to the bed and paw through his small selection of jeans, looking for something that might stay on Chester’s hips. At the bottom of the stack he found a pair he hardly ever wore that were a little snugger than he liked, and plucked it out, along with a plain navy blue t-shirt from another stack, and a pair of navy boxers from another. Mike turned his head to try to catch Chester’s eyes. “Please will you wear a flannel?” 

After years with Mike Shinoda, Chester should have known better, but he didn’t. He looked, and the moment he saw Mike’s big brown eyes begging him, he couldn’t resist. “I guess so,” he gave in easily, not even putting up a fight. “But make it a darker one.”

His pleading eyes changing instantly to smiling eyes, Mike pulled a black and blue flannel from the pile. “Perfect. Just like your ankle,” he teased as he stood up with the clothes. “I know how much you like to match.” 

“Okay, that’s actually funny,” Chester laughed, playfully pushing on Mike’s arm the moment he came over to the couch. “Boxers,” he mumbled next as Mike handed those over first. Chester held them up by two fingers, like they were infected. “I’m not a fan of these. I mean, they’re fabulous on you,” he said, winking Mike’s way, “but I always feel lost in them.” 

Mike shrugged. “It’s that or your dirty underwear,” he said, his tone scanalized. “You’ll survive one breakfast in boxers. You might even decide you like them.” He dropped back down in front of Chester. “I can help, if you need me to.” 

“I can do these,” Chester assured him as he bent forward, carefully putting each leg in before pulling them up. He leaned to the left and then the right, pulling the boxers over his hips. “See? Weird. It doesn’t even feel like I have anything on.” He poked at the boxers for a second before he decided to let it go. It was what they had. “You can help with the jeans,” he said, brushing his good foot against Mike’s still naked chest. 

“You’ll survive,” Mike commented lightly, catching Chester’s foot. He looked up at his lover for a moment before he sort of chuckled. “Do you remember our first date? When you were rubbing your foot up my leg and I caught it when you got too high?” 

Both of Chester’s hands were on the couch cushions, and his fingers dug into them a little as he grinned. “I do remember that. I remember thinking - wow. This guy. What do I do now?” He busted into a short laugh. “You were the first one to ever grab my foot.”

“Well, you were pushing the boundaries,” Mike teased, letting Chester’s foot go and picking up the jeans. “You had me all sorts of confused that night. I thought you were so hot, but I was so terrified of what could happen.” He shook his head and slipped the leg of the jeans over Chester’s good ankle. He got it up over Chester’s foot and then stopped. “I guess I need to wrap this up first. Where’s the stuff?” 

“On the sink in the bathroom,” Chester said. He watched as Mike dutifully stood up and headed that way before he started to think back over their first date. It was always a bittersweet memory for him, a night he wished he could go back and do over. _I wouldn’t have been so pushy with him. I had no idea I was going to fall in love with him one day._

Chester took a deep breath just as Mike returned. “You just wrap it around and make it firm but not tight. I can do it if you want.” 

“No, I want to try. Just tell me if I mess it up.” Mike wanted to take care of Chester, even if they weren’t really together anymore. As he wrapped the ankle and stopped to check if it was too tight, he realized that he hadn’t thought about Jason all morning. _Not even once. It doesn’t even feel like Ches and I aren’t together. I need to be careful what I’m doing. I need to decide what I’m doing! This is all a mess. I’m not going to think about it right now._ He looked up as he finished the wrap and patted Chester’s knee. “How’s that?” 

“Well, for your first time, I’d say that’s pretty good. I’ll put the boot back on it after we get these jeans on.” He lifted the injured foot, and watched with nervous twitches as Mike carefully got him all the way into the jeans, his bandaged foot coming out the bottom. “These almost fit,” Chester decided as he wiggled himself into them, just like he had done with the underwear. “I actually think the boxers help hold them on.”

Mike laughed and tossed Chester the t-shirt. “Whatever works, I guess. I’m gonna have to put a belt on you.” He watched Chester pull the shirt over his head, and then he stood up to go retrieve the boot that had been left by the table the night before. He couldn’t wait to see Chester in his flannel. “I’ll let you do this part the way you like it while I throw on some clothes, and then we have to go if we’re going to have time to eat.” Just as he said the word _eat_ his stomach rumbled. “Apparently I have to eat soon. My body is demanding pancakes.” 

Chester took the boot, and got it situated on his foot, while keeping an eye on Mike. It was almost a shock to see his ex-boyfriend walking around the downstairs of the loft in broad daylight, naked. It was something Mike had never been a fan of, and it was pulling on more of Chester’s attention than he realized. He watched as Mike shuffled around piles of clothes, and haphazardly chose what he was going to wear - jeans, t-shirt, flannel. It was in that moment that Chester looked down at himself. _Now I know what it’s like to dress like Mike._ He smiled at himself and then even more at Mike. It hadn’t been lost on him. Mike had chosen to take care of him first, before he took care of the modesty he held so close. _He even took the time to match my clothes._

Mike patted down the front of his gray t-shirt and fixed the cuff of his gray and white checkered flannel shirt. “Okay, it’s time for the crowning glory. The moment of victory. Chester Bennington in a flannel shirt.” He leaned over and scooped up the chosen shirt and then offered Chester his hand. “I’d like to do the honors, if you don’t mind.” 

“Fine, Sexy Boy. Do as you must,” Chester relented, sticking both his arms out. “I’m just thinking of it as a jacket.” He allowed himself to be moved around, as Mike dragged one arm into the flannel, and then the other. He scooted around in front of Chester and straightened it out, and messed with the collar. “I don’t ever see you doing half of this,” Chester pointed out as Mike fiddled with one of the buttons.

“Doing what? Making sure it looks right?” Mike cocked an eyebrow and looked at Chester. “I just want you to be comfortable, Ches.” He dropped his eyes to Chester’s bare feet and frowned. “You need socks. I don’t have any cute socks,” he fretted. 

“I actually only need one sock,” Chester told him. “And whatever you have is great, Mike. I’m being a baby. I’m sorry.” He reached for Mike’s hand and squeezed it. “I don’t care what I’m wearing, I’m ready for us to go get pancakes and talk some more before you have to go to work.”

Mike rolled his eyes and turned to fish around for a singular sock. “You care, don’t you even try to act like you don’t.” He produced a simple white sock and twisted his lips to the side in displeasure. “Sorry, this is all I have. But, I have to say… you look really sexy in my clothes.” He offered Chester a smile and the sock all together, scanning his eyes over Chester’s body. The jeans were too loose in the hips and thighs, the flannel shirt soft and simple, but that didn’t take away from the fact that Chester looked absolutely adorable sitting in front of him. Adorable and somehow sexy at the same time. 

Chester already had the one sock on before he waved for Mike to sit next to him on the couch. He put his hand on Mike’s thigh, squeezing it gently. “I do mean it,” he offered softly. “This isn’t an outfit I’d pick out, but I’m grateful you’re loaning it to me.” He leaned over and pressed his lips to Mike’s cheek. “Thank you.” 

Mike took the opportunity, turning to bring their lips together in a slow, sweet kiss. He really wished he didn’t have to go to work. “You’re welcome,” he whispered when the kiss broke and they were left looking into each other’s eyes. “We better get going before I lean you back on this couch and kiss all over you, because that’s really what I want to do right now.” 

Chester’s hand went to Mike’s jawline as he plopped another kiss to his lips, slow and wet, before he pulled back. “Okay. I know you have to go to work. I’ll be good. Promise.” He pressed his thumb under Mike’s chin, rubbing it back and forth. “I think I want peanut butter pancakes.”

“Okay. Let’s go. Peanut butter pancakes for you, cinnamon pecan pancakes for me. I’ve been on a cinnamon kick lately.” Mike hated to move, but he stood up and helped Chester up before he got the crutches from where they were leaning against the bar. He watched Chester make his way over to the door in a bit of a haze, then remembered to snag his backpack with all his work stuff in it so he could follow him out the door, his eyes fixed on Chester’s tiny ass and flannel covered back. 

****

Chester sat on his bed at Amir’s, his leg propped up and the television on. Despite all his protesting earlier, he was still in Mike’s clothes. Even the flannel. He stared down at his cell phone with a heavy sigh. He knew Mike would be finished with work soon, and then he’d be on his way over so they could go out to dinner. But plans had changed in the last hour, and Chester was still debating if he wanted to ask Mike to go along with things or not. _I told him I didn’t want to play make believe, and now look at me. Can I really ask him to do this?_ He pulled his piercing into his mouth, sucking on it for a few seconds before he decided it never hurt to ask. He’d give Mike every single out he could, and then the choice would be solely up to his ex. He scrolled through his text threads and brought Mike’s up quickly, number two on his list. Only Ryan’s text conversation was above it. 

**Chester:** _Hey, when you get here, I need to ask you something._

Mike was stuffing his piano book into his backpack, anxious to get out of the studio, when his cell vibrated from on top of the piano again. _It’s probably Jay again. I didn’t text him back after the last text. I need to do that._ He reached for his phone and slung his backpack over his shoulder at the same time, using one hand to unlock his phone. It was a surprise to see Chester’s name instead of another text from his boyfriend, and he smiled, opening it immediately and firing back a response.

**Mike:** _That’s cryptic. Hope it’s something good. I’m on my way._

He skipped down and read over Jason’s last text about how training was going, and decided he’d deal with that later. Jason would call, and they could talk then. The receptionist wasn’t at the front when Mike walked out, so he was able to escape without anyone taking another second of his time away from Chester. Lunch, and breakfast, seemed like it had been a long time ago, and he was starving.

**Mike:** _If you’re asking me about where to go eat, my answer is whatever is the closest._

Chester’s phone jingled and he read Mike’s second text. _Oh God, he’s starving. He might not make it long enough to go with me._ Chester sat for a second, debating how much he wanted to get into over text. He knew Mike was driving, or would be driving very shortly, and he didn’t want to start something that would lead to a phone call. He wanted to talk about it in person. 

**Chester:** _Actually, no. We’ll talk when you get here. Hope your day’s been good._

Mike frowned at the message, all playfulness gone from his thoughts. _He’s thought about things today and he’s going to tell me this isn’t going to work. Or he’s upset with me that I put him in this position. Or maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe he ruined my shirt somehow. No, he probably took that off as soon as he got home. Ugh. Why didn’t he just wait until I got there to say anything?_ He tossed his backpack across the console into the passenger seat and headed out, hoping the traffic wouldn’t be awful and he wouldn’t have to worry about what Chester wanted for long.

The fifteen minute drive felt like forever, and Mike was anxious to get parked and up to the apartment where Chester was waiting on him. It hadn’t crossed his mind that anyone other than Chester would be opening the door, so it took a second for him to register Amir’s face instead. “Oh. Hi, Amir.” 

Amir didn’t bother to open the door all the way. “You’re back,” he said flatly, narrowing his eyes at Mike and deliberately looking him up and down. “So, ready to sneak Chester off for another night? Yeah, I’d say that’s what it looks like. I never would have taken you to be that kind of guy, Mike. Or maybe times have changed.”

Mike crossed his arms over his chest and stared right back at Amir. “You don’t have to be like that,” he stated, trying not to let it bother him that his former co-worker was being so cold. He knew he deserved that, at least a little bit. For all he knew, everyone was blaming him for breaking up Jason and Ryan, and breaking Chester’s heart. “I just came to take Ches out to dinner.”

“Mmm-hmm.” Amir glanced over his shoulder into the apartment. “Think maybe you could bring him back this time, and before you have your fun?” 

It was a line-crossing statement. “Look, you’re not his keeper, and I know you’re just trying to keep an eye on him. I know I fucked up some stuff, but I’m trying to make it better. Just let me in. I’ll bring him back tonight, I swear.” Mike felt like he was begging a parent to let him take their child out on a date.

Amir sighed and stepped back, swinging the door open a little more. “You fucked everything up,” he amended Mike’s statement. “But I guess you’re right. He’s been better since the two of you started… _eating_ together again.” 

“Right,” Mike agreed hastily, stepping inside before Amir shut the door. “Food is important.” He didn’t wait any longer, or encourage any more conversation with Amir, taking off toward the bedroom. The door was shut and he knocked twice. “Ches. It’s me,” he called through the door. 

Chester looked towards the door the moment he heard Mike. “It’s open!” he called, staying right where he was on the bed. He watched as Mike stepped in and shut the door behind him. “You look a little frazzled,” Chester said, sitting forward to get a better look. 

“Amir,” Mike said, gesturing at the door. “He’s not thrilled I’m here.” He stepped over to the bed and sat down, reaching for one of Chester’s hands. “I understand where he’s coming from, but I wasn’t prepared. I guess we’ve spent a lot of time together the past few days.” 

Chester squeezed Mike’s hand. “Amir saw me at my worst when everything went down. I think he’s just trying to not let that experience repeat.” He looked down at his phone, quickly checking the time. “So, I have to ask you something, and I want you to say no if you don’t want to.” He looked back over at Mike, the look of panic already on his face. “It’s nothing bad,” he said right away. “It’s just, I have to change our dinner plans. Forrest called, you know, to check on me. We talked for a bit and he wants to take me to dinner tonight. He invited you, too. He, he doesn’t know we broke up.” Chester dropped his eyes to his lap where his phone was. He hated to admit that he’d kept the breakup from his boss. 

“Oh.” Mike sat very still for a moment, processing what Chester had just said, and the things that he had only implied. “So, you want me to go to dinner with your boss,” he said slowly, thinking about each word carefully, “who thinks we’re still a couple.” He bit his lip a few times, thinking it through. They’d been acting like a couple for two days now, and it didn’t feel like acting to Mike. It felt normal. It wouldn’t be hard for things to come across as they always had in front of Forrest. _Maybe even better. The last two days have been amazing. Like how we used to be. Is he really asking me to pretend we’re still boyfriends? Isn’t that confusing?_

Mike looked up. Chester was still staring at his phone. “Ches? You want me to go to dinner as your boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry,” Chester apologized immediately. “I should have told him already, I just haven’t had it in me to have that conversation with him yet. He’ll want to talk about it, and...it doesn’t matter,” he decided. He looked at Mike with his best serious expression. “Yes, I’d like you to go and be my boyfriend for the night, but you don’t have to. I can make an excuse up for you. Mike, I totally get it if you don’t want to.” 

Immediately Mike shook his head. “I will, I just… it’s so easy, Ches. I know this is supposed to be fun right now and whatever, but it’s so easy to be with you.” He wanted to tell Chester that he wouldn’t have to act like he was still in love, because he was. But Chester had already warned him about promises, and the lines they should be keeping were already invisible. Before Amir popped off his mouth Mike had to admit he’d been thinking of taking Chester back to the loft again, this time with a change of clothes. It was scary and confusing, and Mike wasn’t sure that he should be saying yes, but he wanted to. Whatever that meant, he wanted to be Chester’s boyfriend tonight. “If this is really okay with you, I’m all in.” 

Relief was steady on the heels of Mike’s words, and Chester felt his anxiety lift. “It is. It’s just easier. And we’ll keep everything generic when he asks us about our plans for the future, because he will,” he made sure to warn Mike. “But if I show up without you, it will just get messy. I’m sorry. I know we had other plans for the night, but I have to go.”

Mike wasn’t entirely sure why things would be messy without him there, and he didn’t want to ask. “It’s not a problem. I just… I hope I can go like this.” He pointed to his flannel and jeans. “This is all I’ve got. And you know I won’t fit into your clothes.” He managed a smile at the thought of trying to get his body into Chester’s form fitting clothing. 

“It’s okay, we’re not going anywhere fancy. I told him I wasn’t up for that. He’s got a whole list of these little out of the way, hole-in-the-wall places he likes, so we’re going to go to one of those. And I’m wearing this,” he said, gesturing to his blue outfit Mike had dressed him in earlier. “I don’t have the will to get up and put on something of my own.” He took Mike’s hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing his knuckles. “Thank you.”

The tender, familiar gesture made Mike’s heart melt. “Of course, Ches.” He wanted to touch Chester’s face, but Chester was holding his hand tightly and lowered it back to the bed between them before he could. “It will be so easy. I’m still so in love with you. I won’t even have to pretend.” 

Chester smiled as a tingle of something like excitement crossed his stomach. “I love you, too. I never stopped.” His shoulders relaxed a little as his head went back against the pillow and his eyes closed. “We have a few minutes before we need to leave. I know where the place is he wants to go. It’s a pain to get to, but not super far away.”

Mike tugged his hand free and stroked over the sleeve of his flannel that Chester was still wearing. “I hope he likes me,” he said suddenly, aware that it didn’t really matter if Forrest liked him or not. “He’s probably going to wonder what in the hell you have on, and then he’ll look at me and know it’s all my fault.” 

Chester reached over without looking, his fingers finding Mike’s leg. He rubbed him as he said, “Naw. He knows I’m being incredibly slack with the busted ankle and all. He’ll like you just fine. Forrest is really easy to talk to.”

Mike went to stand up, ready to get them both going, but Chester reached for his arm and stopped him. “Hang on, um, couple things first,” he said as Mike settled back down next to him on the bed. “So, Forrest doesn’t know Ry’s living with Talinda, so if it comes up, don’t say anything.” 

“Okay.” Mike nodded his head. He thought about asking why it was a big deal, but figured that living with the boss’ assistant was probably frowned upon by some company rules. “Anything else?” 

Chester let out a long breath. “Well, he knows that Ryan’s not living with me anymore, he just doesn’t know it’s with Talinda. So he’s still under the impression that you and me are living at the loft together. He knows that Ry and Jay broke up. Ryan’s been a little more open about things than I have.” He looked down for a second, hating how that sounded. “I’m not trying to lie to him. I just haven’t told him everything yet. I will.” He looked over at Mike. “So if he says anything about the loft, that’s what he thinks.” 

“Sooo, everything’s just… normal.” Mike held Chester’s eyes. He wanted to add to that, to say _before I screwed it all up_ but he didn’t. Dragging all of that into the forefront right now would not put either of them in the mindset they needed to be in for the rest of the evening. Mike wanted to forget the reality of the situation and pretend it was a month ago, before he’d made a chain of direction altering decisions. “Got it. It will be easy.” He flashed Chester a smile and then kissed him, short and sweet. “Are we ready now?” 

“Yeah. I think that’s it. I’ve told him all about you, about where you work and everything, so he’ll probably ask you questions. I hope that’s okay,” Chester asked, as he carefully swung his legs off the side of the bed and reached for his crutches.

“It’s fine.” Mike offered his assistance but Chester had it under control. He kept his eyes down and away from Amir as they made their way through the apartment and to Mike’s car, where he held the door for Chester and then tossed the crutches in the back. “So, you’re navigating, you said you know where we’re going,” he said when he started the car, looking over at Chester in the passenger seat.

“Yup. I’ve been there before.” Chester already had his phone out, pulling up Google Maps. “I know roundabout where it is, but I’ll get us directions. You’ll like it. They have the best meatball sandwiches.” He got the name of the restaurant pulled up, and a moment later his phone was giving them directions as Mike drove. “Forrest is weird. One day he brings us things like we’re going to eat tonight, with all the meat and cheese and awesomeness going on, and then the next day it’s like...salad and tofu.” He stuck his tongue. 

Mike took his eyes off the road long enough to scowl. “Tofu. That’s just wrong.” He focused back on the drive as Chester agreed, and in a few more turns, a lot of traffic, and more conversation about the atrocities of tofu, they were at the sandwich place. “This looks… interesting,” Mike offered, looking at the hole-in-the-wall place. 

“It looks scary, but it’s actually kinda cool inside. Almost romantic. They bring you breadsticks and there’s candles on the tables. Come on,” Chester suggested as he reached over to squeeze Mike’s bicep. “It will be good.” He waited till he saw Mike nod, and then they both got out, Mike rushing to get around to Chester’s side of the car to help him. “Thanks,” Chester whispered as he got steady on his crutches and Mike locked the car. “Forrest is probably already inside.” 

He led the way, and when he tried to open the single glass door, Mike beat him to that, too, holding it open for him. Chester was quick to whisper another _thank you_ before they stepped in. Immediately they were hit with the smells of Italian food - onions, tomatoes, garlic, and cheese. There were round tables scattered throughout the smaller space, each one with a red and white checkered tablecloth and a small pot belly candle. “It’s kinda like that scene in _Lady and the Tramp_,” Chester said with a soft chuckle before he nodded towards Forrest, who was up front at the counter, hanging back and waiting. 

Mike grinned. “Are you offering to share spaghetti with me, Ches?” He lightly touched Chester’s back. “After you, babe.” Mike watched Chester carefully while they got to the front counter, checking to be sure he didn’t lose his balance or trip. It was obvious Chester was capable on the crutches, but his protective nature was still in full force. They stopped in front of Chester’s boss, and before Chester could say more than “hello,” Mike was extending his hand politely.

Forrest was quick to accept his handshake. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person, Mike,” he said, quickly scanning Chester’s boyfriend up and down. He didn’t miss the casual outfit - jeans, t-shirt and a flannel - and he noticed even quicker that Chester was wearing something very similar. The outfit seemed off for his usually very fashion conscious model, but Forrest passed it off without issue the moment he glanced Chester’s way and saw the crutches he was steadying himself with. “I hear so much about you from Chester, but it’s good to see you for myself.” 

“It’s nice to meet you as well, sir.” Mike glanced at Chester and then at the counter, with its higher chairs. “Will we be sitting here, or would you like a table, Ches? You might be more comfortable at a table.” 

“A table for sure,” Chester answered before looking at his boss. “Have you already ordered or were you waiting for us?” 

“I was waiting, but Mike’s right. Go take a seat, Chester. What do you want and I’ll order it for you.” 

There was no question. The moment Chester had heard the name of the sandwich shop, he knew exactly what he wanted. “Meatball sandwich with pepperoni,” he told Forrest. “And I’d love a beer.” 

“Consider it done,” Forrest told him before swatting his hand in the air. “Go on, go pick out a table and sit down. Mike and I will be fine.” He smiled, his thick mustache curving with his lips. 

Mike smiled at Chester too. “No worries, Ches, I won’t eat your sandwich on the way over,” he teased, grinning as Chester rolled his eyes with a smile and started for a table. Mike watched for a second, and then turned to the counter. “I’ve never been here before,” he mentioned to Forrest. “Chester says the meatballs are the best thing on the menu, though. What do you like?” 

Forrest kept his eyes on the menu, hanging over the stainless steel countertop. “He’s right, the meatballs are great. But I’m a fan of their eggplant parmesan sandwich, myself. It usually hits the spot. If you’re not into that, their spaghetti sandwich is famous in some parts of the city.” He tossed Mike a quick look. He could tell it was going to take Mike another minute to decide. “I have to say, I like your boyfriend a lot.” 

Mike’s mind was split between trying to imagine spaghetti on a sandwich, and trying to come up with an appropriate response to Forrest’s comment. His eyes slid from the menu over to the man next to him. “He’s amazing, isn’t he? He really loves Score, too. Ches has always been really into fashion. It’s pretty much the perfect job for him.” 

Forrest nodded. “He _is_ amazing. He’s got real passion and dedication. He puts himself wholeheartedly into everything he does. That’s very rare. I see great things for him in the future, even when the modeling part of it comes to an end.” 

“What?” Mike’s full attention was on Forrest, the spaghetti sandwich forgotten. “When it comes to an end? Why is it ending? Does Chester know that?” Mike looked over at Chester, who was carefully propping his crutches against the wall behind his chair at the table he’d selected. It was far enough across the restaurant that Mike knew he couldn’t hear them. 

Forrest put his hand up. “I don’t mean right now,” he assured Mike quickly. “I’m simply saying that everything runs its course, and when it’s time for things to change, I see a future for him at Score afterwards. I could use his instincts and good eye for fashion on my creative team.” 

“Oh, yeah, he’d probably really love that.” Mike forced a quick smile. “Sorry, I sort of jumped to conclusions. I just know how much he loves modeling, he’d be crushed if that was over.” _But being on the creative team, he’d love that. I know he would. He has a good eye for that stuff, even if I don’t always understand it._ Mike looked over at Chester again and then back at the menu. “He’s always trying to dress me up, but I’m a little stuck in my ways. We should probably order, I can bet it’s driving him nuts we’re over here talking without him. He really hates that boot.” 

Forrest put a soft hand to Mike’s shoulder. “I’ve always believed that opposites attract,” he said before turning his full attention to the worker behind the counter. He ordered his and Chester’s sandwiches, along with Chester’s beer, and a glass of red wine for himself before he turned to Mike. He stepped back to give him room. “Whatever you’d like, Mike, dinner is on me.” 

“Meatball sandwich,” Mike decided quickly. Spaghetti just sounded too weird. “With extra mozzarella and parmesan. And I’ll try the same wine.” Wine made him think of Jason, and his hand went reflexively to the pocket where his phone was. At some point in the evening, he’d have to call Jason, but right now he didn’t want to think about it.

After paying for their order, Forrest led the way to where Chester was sitting. “You’re a wine drinker, are you?” he asked Mike as they walked between the candlelit tables. 

“I enjoy an occasional glass,” Mike responded. “I don’t really know too much about it.” He stopped, unsure how to go on. He sat down next to Chester and reached for his hand. “I like red better, it seems like it has more body to it generally.” 

Chester looked over at Mike, then watched his boss take a seat before asking, “What has more body? I leave you two alone for five minutes and it’s like you’ve already come up with some weird topic.” 

Forrest had to laugh. “We’re discussing wine, Chester. You should have gotten a glass.” He paused for a second before he remembered. “That’s right, it’s not your favorite. I have to say, I’m always impressed with what they come up with here. If you ever decide to gamble on wine, it’s a good choice.” 

“I’ll let you know how it is.” Mike squeezed Chester’s hand and then looked down at the table. He was trying to put Chester and wine in the same location together, and could only pull up the memory of the Seattle restaurant where Jason had so effortlessly ordered wine for the table. Mike almost shook his head trying to get that thought to go away, and to think about the rest of the night instead. The lobster ravioli, the ferry ride, and everything else that reminded him of only Chester. 

Their drinks were brought out first, and as they waited on their food, Forrest led the conversation. He tackled all the normal topics - how Chester was coping with his injury, Mike’s work at Red Pelican, if they had plans for vacation anytime soon, and of course a bit of fashion talk in between. By the time their sandwiches were set in front of them, they were all ready to eat and Forrest was pleased to see Mike offering to help Chester whenever the occasion arose. “I know I’ve already said this,” Forrest stated as he sliced his sandwich with a knife and fork, making a plate full of bite sized pieces, “but I am sorry you got hurt while on the Score clock, Chester. I really thought Pride Week would go off without a hitch.”

Chester waved his hand through the air. “It’s not your fault,” he dismissed quickly. “The whole thing was crazy. I should have been quicker, but it was like a stampede of angry people.” He let out a huff. “Still can’t get over that...protesters at the parade.” 

By the time Forrest finished cutting his sandwich into tiny pieces, Mike was halfway through with his. It occurred to him he should probably slow down and not look like a hog. He picked up his pickle and took a bite. “It’s only, what, three more weeks?” Mike asked, pointing at the crutches. 

“Hopefully,” Chester said after swallowing down his bite of steamy meatball. “Then I’ll get a fancy walking boot. Which will still suck, but at least I won’t need the crutches anymore. I’ll get to practice my sexy limp.” He grinned as he watched Forrest laugh. 

“As soon as you’re off the crutches, you can come back to work. Maybe I’ll get Talinda to teach you the fine art of schedules and doing paperwork. You can sit in on a few buying meetings with us, hang out with the creative team,” the boss said, pulling out his phone and making himself a note. “Until then, get your rest. I’m sure he’s told you, but we’ve been keeping Ryan busy with some solo shoots, so don’t try to rush things before you’re ready.” 

“I’m trying to keep him off his feet, sir,” Mike said, picking up his sandwich. He was about to take a bite and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. _That’s probably Jay. Well, I can’t answer it now. I’ll have to call him back after dinner._ He let it ring through to voicemail as he finished his sandwich. He didn’t want to admit it, but he wanted another sandwich. _Maybe we can get one to take home._

“He looks good,” Forrest offered with a brief nod to Chester. “So whatever you’re doing, keep it up.” He smiled at his employee before he went back to his sandwich, and in no time the three of them were finished. It was obvious after the first hour that Chester was getting antsy, and Forrest had to assume he was ready to go home and put his leg up. He made sure to keep his goodbyes quick as he shook both their hands. He bid them farewell at the door, thanking them for coming and telling Chester he’d call him next week to check on him. 

Chester slowly made his way back to the car, offering Mike a quick _thank you_ when he held the door, and helped him into the passenger’s seat. He sighed as he put his head back. Taking a meal with his boss was nice, but always exhausting somehow. _It’s the constant conversation and questions. There’s not a lot of comfortable silence with Forrest Mullan._ He glanced over as Mike got in, and he smiled. _Sexy Boy did a great job. Kind and polite, just the way I know he really is._

Chester cleared his throat. “You did great in there. Thanks again for coming with me.” 

Mike reached over to take Chester’s hand. “You’re welcome. The sandwiches are as good as you said.” He looked out over the dash for a minute at the front of the building. “I could have eaten another one.” 

“Next time you should try the spaghetti sandwich, it has meatballs on it, only they’re cut in half. It’s really good. And they toast the bread, so it’s like spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread in sandwich form.” He smiled as he squeezed Mike’s hand. “What are you thinking for the rest of the night? I know we didn’t really plan past dinner.” 

“Well, I didn’t have anything planned other than being your boyfriend for the evening,” Mike said as he let Chester’s hand go so he could reverse the car and start them toward Amir’s. “So, I guess you could say I’m at your service for as long as you want me.” 

“That sounds fun,” Chester said, his eyebrow lifting. “But actually, I think dinner wore me out for the time being. How about we go home and lay in bed and watch a movie?” It took a second before his words caught up to him. “I mean, back to Amir’s,” he corrected. “We can make coffee. Coffee in bed is always nice.” 

Mike debated for a second. “I don’t think Amir wants me there.” When he’d arrived at the front door that afternoon, Amir had been less than thrilled to see him on the other side. “You might have to smuggle me in. But coffee and a movie - and snuggling - it sounds good to me. We can stop on the way and get some cake or something to go with the coffee. I want cake in bed, Ches,” he whined.

It was dark in the car, but Chester was laughing quietly to himself. “Okay, we can do that. We can stop and get cake _and_ the coffee, and then I’ll sneak you right to my room. And I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want you there, it’s just, you know. He knows what’s going on and he worries.” Chester looked out the window for a second before reaching over and stroking one finger down the side of Mike’s neck. “And I’d love to snuggle after. Maybe you can stay over? I know you have work tomorrow, but we can set an alarm and get up early.”

It didn’t take long for Mike to make a decision. “Okay, smuggling and snuggling it is. With cake and coffee, and I’m all for staying the night. You just have to make sure I get up. It’s way too easy to just want to stay in bed with you.” He thought through it. His backpack was in the car, and he could wear the jeans he had on again, he’d just borrow one of Chester’s t-shirts in the morning. _We hardly ever shared clothes when we were together, and now look at him. Wearing all my clothes, and I’m thinking about borrowing a shirt. It’s like when we first started dating._ Mike couldn’t really see Chester, but he glanced over at him anyway. “You’ll have to let me borrow a shirt for work.” 

Chester gasped. “Of course!” he agreed quickly. “Oh, I get to dress you in the morning this time.” His one finger on Mike’s neck curved around to his jawline for a second before Chester pulled his hand back. “I’ll pick you out something fabulous to wear. Other than my shoes, I’ve got everything organized.” 

“I can’t believe your shoes are still a mess.” Mike shook his head. “We _have_ to deal with that soon. I don’t know how you’re making it day to day, living like that,” he teased. 

“It’s a crime, truly,” Chester agreed before his shoulders slumped a little. “I don’t know what it is. It’s like some sort of mental block or emotional block. I just can’t get them to work. Like something’s wrong.” He looked out the window, watching as the cars and the city zipped by. _Maybe it’s because you’re not there with me._

In the darkness, Mike’s hand found Chester’s thigh, and he squeezed it gently before he patted it, and then left it there. “We’ll get it, I promise.” He shifted his thoughts from shoes to cake, and went through a list in his head of possible places to stop, and flavors to choose from. “We’ll make that a priority before the weekend. For now, it’s time to get cake. You decide what you want, and I’ll get out and go get it while you wait in the car. No need to get you out on those crutches again.” He rubbed his hand over Chester’s leg another time, then cupped his fingers around the muscle as he drove.

Cake possibilities were endless, but Chester’s mind was already on red velvet. He licked his lips before he covered Mike’s hand with his own. It was going to be a good night, a relaxing evening with coffee and cake and conversation that he knew was helping. _Every bit of it helps...like it’s mending what we managed to break. I hope he feels it, too. _

“I think I want red velvet, and I’d love a mocha to go with it.” He rubbed Mike’s knuckles and then the back of his hand. “And I can’t wait for snuggling afterwards. I sleep so much better when you’re with me.” 

****  
TBC


	35. Picture It

The sun was setting over the water when Jason looked up from the new whitewashed table and out the giant windows. He had stuff scattered over every available inch of the oval table that could seat six if necessary. He leaned back in the sage green padded chair and twisted his neck from side to side to release the tension before he picked up his phone and looked at the time. Mike would be calling soon. It was getting late, and the angle of the sun was throwing colors over the water and the clouds, turning everything into magnificent hues of pink, orange, and purple. So far, his very favorite thing about the Seattle houseboat was the incredible views, and Jason was looking forward to having Mike at his side to enjoy it all with him. 

Jason tried not to worry about the fluster he’d been able to hear in Mike’s voice as they chatted or Facetimed the past few days. _It’s just stress. The stress of moving, and practicing, and working. Once he gets here, once he’s where I can take care of him, he’ll be fine. He won’t have to work so much and he can concentrate on his education and his music._ His eyes moved over the boxes neatly labeled with Mike’s initials in the blocky style he always wrote them in - the “M” with the triangle in the middle and the “S” that looked like the five on an old analog alarm clock. _He’ll have time to get all of his stuff organized. He’ll be able to relax and sketch on that new drafting table, or paint upstairs with all the light. He’ll be fine once he’s here. Once we’re together._

He rubbed his hands over his pale blue pajama pants and took a deep breath. Things between him and Mike were still so new, and there were moments in the past three days that he’d looked around the houseboat and wondered what they were doing. Even having lived in the same space for more than half a year, there was still so much he didn’t know about Mike Shinoda, though there were things he knew on the surface. Mike came from family money but was estranged from that family. He was artistically and musically gifted. Jason was only the second person he’d ever had sex with. 

Jason stopped on that thought and dropped his head. _He’d only been with Chaz until I finally convinced him we’d be happier together. I watched them struggle, and I watched Chaz and Ry together. Chaz was better with Ry, and God knows he deserves to be happy after all he put up with from Mark. All of us did. But Chaz is still tortured by him, and Ry made that better. Ry’s always been in love with him. I can’t believe they aren’t together. It makes me and Mike look like jerks._

He hadn’t heard anything from Ryan since he walked out the door the night the truth came out about Mike, but he knew Ryan was living with Talinda. He knew that Ryan and Chaz weren’t together because Mike had told him as much, and the thought that Mike still had contact with Chester was something Jason tried not to dwell on. It was hard to not feel a little hurt that Ryan obviously didn’t want to talk to him, hadn’t tried to contact him at all. 

Jason lifted his chin and looked over the piles of photographs spread all over the table. Organizing them had been a way to keep his mind off Ryan and Chester, and to a lesser degree, Mike. He knew having physical prints was passe in the digital age, but he had always loved photography, and there was something about holding a photo that was so much more satisfying than swiping through his phone or camera. He didn’t know how much longer he’d be sorting, but the goal was to get to the bottom of the box he’d started by bedtime. He reached into the box and pulled out another stack of prints and started sorting them into the piles - a vacation to France; flowers from the garden he’d loved at his and Mark’s house in the hills; sunsets; a vacation to Canada. 

The next picture was one he’d snapped of Ryan, shirtless, lounging by the pool with the other YRS boys. It wasn’t obvious. If Mark had happened upon it, there were two other employees in the frame, but Jason remembered the day he’d taken that picture. Ryan had been strutting all afternoon in a pair of short swim trunks, his tattoos flashing in the sunlight. Jason had a hard time concentrating on anything but what Ryan was doing, who he was talking to, the water games the boys were playing. _And that night. Mark was passed out and we made love after a dip in the hot tub together. It was always terrifying and thrilling to be together while Mark was there._

Jason looked through the rest of the pile of snapshots. So many were of Ryan, taken on the sly, at various YRS events and even on set, before filming started. The adrenaline, the fear, of snapping each one was something his body remembered, and Jason’s knees were shaking under the table even though his mind knew that Mark was gone. _He can’t stop me from taking pictures. He can’t stop me from doing anything anymore._

The last picture was closer, an arm’s length away from Ryan as he sat across the table from Jason, smiling at him. The brilliant blue of his lover’s eyes stole Jason’s breath away. It seemed impossible that they could be so clear, so blue, and so full of affection in a still photograph, but they were, and Jason sat for the longest time, staring down at it. _He was ready to come here with me. He would have left with me, we’d be here together now. The furniture would all be different, probably. He likes darker stuff, heavier stuff. We probably wouldn’t have ended up here. We’d be downtown, in a loft with exposed brick and beams, concrete floors and stainless everything. And it would have been fine. That was us._

Jason looked up and around at the light colors of the houseboat. It was hard to imagine Ryan against such a backdrop. _We were different. Being together was nothing like being with Mark. There was no show to put on, we were just together._ He didn’t really allow himself to think that being with Mike was more like being with Mark in that respect. He let that idea hover on the fringes of his mind as he looked back down into Ryan’s eyes. With Mike there was a standard to keep, a societal level of acceptance that seemed so important. Rules and regulations, what looked good to the public eye. Mike knew how to live in that world. Ryan didn’t give a damn, and Jason found his thoughts meandering, realizing that one of the big factors in his failed relationship with Ryan was that he cared too much what other people thought. Mike ticked off all the boxes of what was socially acceptable for someone of his status, but Jason scoffed at himself. Underneath the money and status that had come with being Mark Wakefield’s husband was a boy who was no better than average. 

All Jason had in his favor at eighteen was intelligence. He certainly didn’t have money, or class, just enough smarts about him to look the part. He’d been smart enough to land someone like Mark, if he could even consider that smart. _Right. He was everything, he was perfect. Except for the cheating, and the fact that he beat me to keep me in line. Good choice, Jason. Education, money, and status, all in exchange for your pride._

Ryan had never looked at him that way, like he was a ticket to another life. Ryan saw Jason, and the thought made his heart ache over what he’d been denying for weeks. Months, even, since Mark died. Jason wasn’t class and society, he was just a regular guy underneath the trappings of ideas that weren’t even his own. Mark was gone, but he was still calling the shots in Jason’s life. Jason had given Ryan up, erased three years of his life, to maintain his life as close to the way it had been as possible. _Without the cheating husband._

Jason hung his head again. _Ry deserved better. Mike was right when he said we should wait. When he said we should break up with them first._ He had kept himself busy, tried not to think about how it had all gone down for weeks now. But holding that picture of Ryan, his blue, blue eyes sparkling with happiness as he looked back at Jason, shattered his heart. Decisions had been made, and Jason had ended things with Ryan because it was what he thought was supposed to happen. It was what Mark had set up for them all the moment he put Jason and Mike together. Maybe even before that. Jason had admired Mike and his courage against his tyrannical husband almost from day one. _Did I start falling in love with him the first time he told Mark no? Is that what did it?_

It didn’t seem possible that his feelings had been under the surface for that long. Mike had always been so confident that he didn’t need YRS, and he’d stood up to Mark more than anyone Jason had ever seen, even though it usually ended poorly. _Ry tried too, but he needed the job. He needed Mark. And then he needed me. He wasn’t going to leave me. It was different. It wasn’t his fault. He stayed to protect me._

Even though Jason had known that before, it seemed more significant now, as his mind went between Ryan and Mike, trying to decipher all that had gone on there, and how he’d fallen for Mike and they’d ultimately ruined both relationships to be together. _Mike came for Chaz. And Ry stayed for me. And once we were free, even though we vowed to take care of them, we left them. Because I was still trying to do what Mark wanted? Is that how this all happened? Mark wanted Chaz to be happy, and he never thought that was Mike. But Chaz and Ry, Mark would have approved. He knew they would work, that’s why he wouldn’t let them date. No couples, and he was right about that, too. It didn’t work with Mike and Chaz. Mike was too jealous. And just wrong for YRS all the way around. But me and Mike, outside of that world, we fit. It’s what he would have wanted, what he said in that voice note would be best for me. I wonder if Ry will ever forgive me._

He remembered the look in Ryan’s eyes when he’d slipped off his promise ring and held it out to him. The anger, the pain, the complete devastation he was trying to hide. If that moment was any indication, Jason would likely never see him again.

With a sigh he gathered together the photos of Ryan and held them to his chest like he was hugging them. It was a poor substitute for the strength that had always come with the subject of those photos, but Jason could imagine Ryan’s arms around him. After a while he stood up, the pictures in one hand and his phone in the other, and flipped off the downstairs lights on his way up to the bedroom. There, he tucked the photos into the bottom of a box on the top of the shelf in the closet that held some odds and ends, trinkets of his life since eighteen. Jason closed the lid and put it away, and resolved not to think about any of it anymore.

He went to lay down on the bed with his phone to wait for Mike to call. He fell asleep and didn’t realize until the next morning that Mike never called.

****

Ryan checked his watch as he headed down the hallway leading to Amir’s apartment. _It’s early. Maybe too early. I should have texted Chaz first. Hope he’s up, we can go to breakfast before I have to head into Score._

Ryan stretched his neck, pulling his muscles from one side to the other and then wringing his hands in front of him. It was more than the early hour on his mind as he thought about Chester, and the current situation. He wanted his friend to be happy, but the idea that he was out every evening with Mike Shinoda still wasn’t sitting with him right. _If Jason knew...or maybe he does know. Maybe I shouldn’t care._ His eyes narrowed as he got to the door. It had been constant turmoil in his mind ever since Chester had admitted that he and Mike had slept together, and that more of that was coming in the next two weeks. _I just don’t get him. Is that what love looks like?_

It was a new sort of thought, a character trait he’d never really assigned to _love_ before, the idea of sacrificing what was right to be with the person you love. _Then again, I guess I did that, too. For all those years, I was doing the same thing with Jay. So that is what love looks like._

He took a deep breath and put his shoulders back before he knocked, hoping that he wasn’t waking up the entire household. He knew Noah would be heading off to work, or maybe he was already gone? Ryan wasn’t sure, but he was glad to see Amir opening the door, with his hair already styled and jeans and a nice red shirt pulled on over them. “Hey,” Ryan greeted with a hand raise. 

“Morning,” Amir half-grumbled, waving Ryan inside. “I don’t know what I did to get surrounded by all this damn morning cheer in my life. You people that are happy to be awake in the morning, I don’t get it.” He left Ryan to shut the door when he turned to go back to the kitchen. “Coffee?” 

Ryan followed behind him, glancing quickly over to Chester’s closed bedroom door first. “Yeah, I’m always up for coffee. And who else is cheerful in the morning? Is Chaz already up? I figured I’d take him to breakfast before work. You can come too,” he offered quickly. 

Amir pulled out another coffee mug. “Noah. I’ve never known someone who loved mornings and sunrises as much as he does. He wants me to look at colors and I haven’t even had my coffee yet.” He poured Ryan’s coffee and slid it across the counter, knowing Ryan would get cream and sugar himself. “I know I sound grouchy. I’m still not used to appreciating that kind of stuff with someone else.” He shrugged. “And I don’t think Chaz is going to breakfast. He’s still holed up in bed with Mike.” 

Ryan was halfway to the refrigerator to fetch the cream when he stopped. The idea that Mike would be staying over at Amir’s wasn’t one that had crossed his mind. “Oh,” he whispered, before he opened the refrigerator. “I didn’t know he was staying over here like that.” He plucked the cream from the shelf and headed back to his coffee. “And I think Noah’s good for you. His happy-all-the-time attitude is a good balance for your not-happy-all-the-time thing.” 

Amir flicked his hair back and rolled his eyes. “You of all people know that’s not even true.” He leaned his ass against the counter and took a sip of coffee, watching Ryan ruin his with cream and sugar. “Chaz thinks he’s clever and that he snuck Mike in here last night, but we heard them. I don’t know why he’s trying to be sneaky when we all know what’s happening. He’s a big boy. If he wants to play that game, despite both you and I making it clear it’s not a good idea, then there’s nothing else to do but sit back and watch.” He lifted his gaze to the upstairs bedroom. He and Noah had definitely heard Chaz and Mike come in last night, and what Amir knew was sex happening later. Chaz wasn’t being sneaky at all, but Amir knew Ryan didn’t want to hear about that part. 

Ryan stared down into his coffee as he slowly stirred in his sugar. “I’ve told him. You have no idea how hard it is to watch him make mistakes like this. And I tried, like you said - we’ve tried - and it doesn’t do any good.” He shook his head before he finally opened up Amir’s dishwasher and dropped his spoon inside. “The more they do together, the more crushed Chaz is going to be when Mike leaves...and Jason,” he mumbled, trailing off the name like it was hard to say it out loud. 

“Do you think he knows?” Amir asked quietly, his eyes darting to Chester’s closed bedroom door. “It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he’d be cool with. All that time Mark was fucking around really seemed to upset him. Though, I guess he was cheating with you. I don’t know, man,” he decided, shaking his head. “Maybe he’s cool with it. At any rate, it’s none of your business.” 

Ryan picked his coffee cup up and headed to the couch, sitting down in what felt like defeat. “I hope he doesn’t know. Or, maybe I do hope he knows.” He shut his eyes as he took his first sip, savoring the steaming, sweet brew. “I can’t imagine he’d let it happen if he knew. Or I would hope not. I know that’s not what he wants. He’d just be repeating that same pattern.” 

“People tend to do that.” Amir followed Ryan to the couch and sat down. “You miss him, don’t you?” He wasn’t sure if Ryan really wanted to talk, but he’d accepted coffee and now he was sitting on the couch. It seemed like he might need to work things out. 

Ryan stayed quiet for a minute before he nodded. “Yeah, I do. I probably shouldn’t, after the way things went, but he was my lover for almost three years. That’s a long time to be with someone and then they’re suddenly not in your life anymore. I hate the way we left things. I guess damn me for walking out the way I did.” He dropped his eyes to his coffee, which he had balanced on his knee. “It’s been a lot to digest.” 

“Well, I’m no relationship expert,” Amir started, “but it seems to me that Mike’s got some issues, either in that he still feels connected to Chaz, or he’s not fully committed to Jason. I don’t see how he could be. They’ve been together, what, three weeks? It doesn’t make any sense. I know you and Chaz both said you doubted that they’d only been screwing around recently, but Chaz sure seems to have forgiven him. Maybe he and Mike are going to get back together. Ever since we’ve known Mike he’s been all about Chaz. Maybe this thing with Jason, whatever it is, was a mistake.”

He sipped on his coffee for a few seconds while he let that sink in. “I don’t know, Ry. If you miss him, maybe you should call him.” 

“Who? Jay?” Ryan watched Amir nod. “I don’t know if I can do that. The whole thing has been just weird. And that,” he said, pointing towards Chester’s bedroom, “just makes zero sense with everything else.” He leaned forward and sat his cup down on the coffee table before leaning back and pressing his fingers into the side of his head. “Remember, I told you I thought me and Jay were drifting apart, that we had all our differences. Maybe he just felt that stronger than I did. He was so quick to replace me. Fuck, he replaced me before he even sent me on my way.” The memory stung, and Ryan shook it away and took a couple of long breaths. “Anyway. He’s in Seattle, probably already doing great at his new job. Not sure what we would say to each other.” 

Amir looked over at the closed bedroom door again. He wondered if Chester and Mike were even awake yet. It was a weekday, and presumably a work day for Mike. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted. “But if they’ve reconciled, who’s to say you and Jason can’t? If you wanted to. I’m not saying you do. I’m just putting it out there.” He heard Noah coming down the steps and his attention went right to his boyfriend. “Hey, Noey,” he called, a smile crossing his thin lips. “Coffee’s on the counter, Peaches.” 

Noah already had a grin on his face as he floated across the floor. He slipped a hand around Amir’s shoulder as he kissed him quickly on the cheek before heading to the kitchen. “And good morning, Ry,” he called over his shoulder. 

“Morning,” Ryan offered back, reaching for his coffee. He stayed quiet as he watched Noah move around the kitchen effortlessly, and when he headed their way, Ryan got up, offering him his seat. “Here, I’ll move,” he stated, shifting over to the bright, fluffy orange chair that had shown up when Noah had moved in. He sat down, squirming a little to get comfortable. It wasn’t as soft as it looked. _Look at them. That’s what I miss. I miss having someone. Not just anyone, but someone I love. Someone who loves me back._

It was a sinking feeling as he looked from the couple on the couch, over to the bedroom door. It was a moment of clarity to realize he was suddenly the fifth wheel. He’d come over to take his friend to breakfast, but as the minutes ticked away, he had to figure that wasn’t going to happen. “I’m not staying long,” he told Amir and Noah suddenly, taking a larger sip of coffee. “Chaz is obviously busy and I don’t want to be in your way.”

“You’re not in the way,” Amir objected, even as Noah turned to put his sock-covered feet in his lap. He looked down. There were neon cats across Noah’s rainbow striped socks. “We’re just having coffee until Noey heads to work.” He reached down with his free hand and rubbed the back of Noah’s calf. 

“Yeah, stay, Ry,” Noah encouraged next. “I’ve only got ten minutes and then I need to go. Just enough time to down a cup of coffee.” He took a sip before he looked between his boyfriend and Ryan. “So what did I miss? You guys were talking about something when I came down.” 

Ryan hesitated. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to dive into all this with Noah. _Then again, Amir probably already tells him everything. I never figured Amir would be that guy...that I-have-a-cutesy-relationship guy. Lucky. _ “We were talking about Jason, and trying to decide if he knows what’s going on or not.” 

Noah sat up a little straighter in his seat. “No, of course he doesn’t. Why would he? Wouldn’t that be weird if he did?” 

“It would be if it were us, Peaches.” Amir winked at Noah. “But Jason’s been in weird relationships before. I remember when you found out about him and Ryan. The look on your face!” He chuckled. “We were trying to decide if Mike and Jay were a real thing. Or If Chaz and Mike have made up, and if Ry should call Jay.” He caught Ryan’s stare. “What? That’s the summary, right?” 

Ryan let out a short huff. “I guess. I just can’t fathom that Mike and Jason didn’t - or don’t - really have something real going on. He left Chaz. I mean, Chaz,” he said again, flipping his hand towards the bedroom. “No way he’d actually do that unless it was really something.” 

“Well,” Noah said, “I agree with that. Every time I brought it up, Mike was very brash about how things with him and Chaz were, that it was just them. So yeah, there must be something.” 

Amir looked at Noah. “I can’t believe you ever thought otherwise. They were pretty tight. I think that’s what’s happening now, Ry. I think Mike’s realized he’s fucked up, and I think Chaz will take him back. Or at least think that he is. And you’re right. If Mike does leave, it’s going to fuck Chaz up even more. It’s crazy.” He slid his hand up behind Noah’s knee, wishing that he didn’t have to go to work soon. 

“He has to go,” Ryan responded, as he watched Amir’s hand wander, and Noah wiggle his toes into Amir’s leg. “Jay’s up there waiting. Chaz told me they have a house and everything.” It was only a few seconds before Ryan realized he was fighting for a relationship that wasn’t even his, a relationship that had replaced his own. “Jay would be crushed. Can you imagine waiting on someone who never shows up?” His shoulders dropped a little in thought and a small ache came with it. 

“That would be awful, but it was his choice to go,” Noah offered before he gulped down the last of his coffee. He pulled his feet from Amir’s lap and quickly leaned in for a kiss, a real one that had his eyes closing and his heart bouncing. “I gotta go,” he whispered to his boyfriend before pecking another kiss to his face. “I’ll be home tonight.” 

“Mmmm, I’ll be waiting,” Amir answered with a sappy smile, reaching out to pinch Noah’s ass lightly when he got up from the couch. He watched his boyfriend take his coffee mug to the kitchen sink before he turned his attention back to Ryan. “I don’t know what to tell you, Ry. Maybe Chaz and Mike are just having breakup sex. A lot of it.” 

Ryan groaned. He didn’t want to know, even though he already knew it was happening. “I guess. I’ve never had breakup sex before. Dammit,” he swore suddenly. “I missed out on breakup sex. I knew I did that all wrong.”

Amir sat back and crossed his ankle over one knee as he laughed. “Nothing stopping you from going to Seattle to get you some.” 

Ryan looked over sharply before he smiled. “Really? I mean, no,” he decided quickly. He waited for a minute as Noah told them both goodbye and he left before Ryan put his full attention back on Amir. “That wouldn’t help anything. They’re having sex, and if me and Jay have sex then, that’s just...not sure it would feel like breaking up. We already did that, and I don’t want to repeat it.”

It was a logical, sensible, well articulated argument against breakup sex, and Amir nodded his head. “That’s very mature of you, Ry. Glad one of you has some sense,” he added sarcastically. “I didn’t know what you guys were doing all living together, and all that mess, but if Chaz and Mike keep doing this, Mike’s not going to Seattle. I’m calling it now. So, with that line of thinking, you might as well go get you some.” He suddenly thought about Noah, and what his reaction would be to what he’d just said. “Of course, two wrongs don’t make a right. Hell, I don’t know why you try to talk to me about this stuff. I don’t know anything about relationships. I’m surprised I’m holding mine together. In fact, some days I’m not sure how I got in it in the first place. Noey kept showing up with tacos, and then we were dating, and then that chair showed up.” He nodded to the orange thing Ryan was sitting in. ”It’s all a blur, honestly. But I think I might actually love him more than I love myself.” 

Ryan felt his heart melt. “Amir, buddy, that’s amazing. It really is. I’m happy for you guys, and trust me, you’re doing it right. Noah adores you. You’re lucky. You two are one of those opposites attract situations.” He looked away and down at the coffee table. He’d always heard about opposites attracting, but he knew for sure that wasn’t always the case, at least not long term. He could only hope that Amir and Noah would thrive through their differences rather than it pulling them apart eventually. “I don’t even know if Jason misses me or if he’d even want to talk. Not even thinking about breakup sex, just talking. All of us moving in together was such a mistake. My sweet Jason turned into a person I don’t even know.” 

“I wonder why. Maybe it was like Mark. Everyone under one roof, and Jay was like the alpha. It was his roof.” Amir’s eyebrows knitted together in thought. He didn’t know all the ins and outs of what had happened over the months Mike, Chester, Ryan, and Jason lived together at the loft, but he knew enough. There were plenty of blurred lines and mistakes on both sides. “So let me ask you this. Say you call him up. You guys talk, and it feels good to just air it out. If Jay wanted to try again with you, would you take him back?” 

Ryan shook his head. “I don’t know. My gut instinct is yes, but then I remember how much he lied, and I’m not sure I could trust him. And I start thinking back over everything and wonder, how much of what he told me was actually true?” Ryan put his elbow on the arm of the chair before leaning his head into his hand. “I’ve been through every emotion over him. Anger and bitterness and trying to pretend like I don’t care, and then caring so much, and loneliness and just missing him. I think if he came clean about everything and we could really talk it out and we both wanted to, I think I would. I was ready to leave and go to Seattle with him.” He stopped, and looked up to the ceiling. “I knew we were on the verge of breaking up anyway, and I was willing to give it another go at the time...guess I still am. I watched him go through so much for so long. I was there for him as much as I could be, and we had this deep emotional connection. We really did. I know that wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t fake. That’s what I miss the most. I must be pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic. Three years is a long ass time.” Amir finished his coffee and looked at Chester’s door again. “If you don’t feel like being nice to Mike this morning, you might want to start thinking about heading out. I can’t imagine it would be much longer before he has to go to work. I figured I’d go upstairs and let Chaz think his secret was safe. So, unless you’re coming up with me…” Amir wiggled his eyebrows as he looked back over at Ryan.

An instant burst of laughter came from Ryan before he stood up. “That’s okay,” he chuckled. “I think I’ll get out of here and let them have their time.” He headed for the kitchen to leave his empty coffee cup. “And maybe you’re right. Maybe it was like Mark...all of us under one roof. Maybe Jay didn’t realize he was acting different and it got out of control.” He shrugged as he pulled his keys from his pocket. “None of us were exactly making great life choices at the time.” 

Amir followed behind Ryan, into the kitchen, then to the front door. “I don’t feel particularly helpful, but I threw a lot out there to think about. Do you want me to tell Chaz you stopped by?” 

Ryan stopped his hand on the doorknob before he turned around, his lips parted. “No,” he whispered before he said, “do you think….” He stopped, clutching his bottom lip for a second. “Do you think it really was like YRS? I know you weren’t there, but we were all having a lot of sex, and if Jason was acting like Mark, would...would Mike, like, give in to Jason in some twisted way of stopping him from going for Chaz? I’m crazy,” he decided quickly. “Right?” 

Amir stopped dead in his tracks. “Jason wasn’t going after Chaz. You never said that. He never said that. That’s not what happened.” He shook his head like he was trying to shake the mental image free from his brain. “I don’t know Mike’s motivations with Jason, or right now, but he’s been doting on Chaz like crazy the past few days. Fuck, Ry, I don’t know what to say. I feel bad I even put that thought in your head.”

“Ugh, you’re right,” Ryan agreed. “My imagination is just running wild now. Jason never showed any interest in Chaz like that. Ever. Okay, I’m going,” he said as he opened the door. “Don’t tell him I was here. I don’t want him to feel bad.” His eyes ghosted over Amir’s shoulder to the closed bedroom door. “Breakup sex. I gotta remember that,” he added in, trying to lighten the mood before he clapped Amir on the shoulder and told him goodbye. 

****

Ryan had been sitting on the living room floor for almost an hour. Twice he’d pulled up Jason’s name, and twice he’d clicked it away. He went into their text thread - a thread that had been active almost daily for the last three years, but had ended as abruptly as their relationship. Ryan had scrolled through it, frowning at the short, choppy answers that filled it over the last four months, until he got to older messages. The ones from when they’d first moved into the loft, and back before Mark had found out about them and had taken Jason’s phone away. 

It had been a mix of smiles and wiping tears away as he read their coded messages from the confines of YRS and then their much more open and often long texts from the first few months at the loft. There were lots of “I miss yous” and plans for dinners and weekends. It was complaints about traffic and plans they had for the loft after Mike and Chester moved out. There was even one that mentioned a vacation, a continuous conversation that, according to the time stamps, had gone on for three days. They were going to go to Alaska, rent a cabin and have a winter week together with skiing, snowboarding, sightseeing, building snowmen, and snuggling next to the fireplace with hot toddies. 

It was bittersweet, and eventually Ryan had to stop reading, and scroll back to the present, the last few months of their relationship where their conversations were short, with long pauses between responses on both sides. _If I text him, the first thing he’s going to see is how awful our texting life was right before we broke up. I don’t want to text. If he’s going to talk to me, I want to hear his voice._

It was another half hour before Ryan pulled Jason’s name back up in his contacts. _What if he doesn’t know? Maybe I’ll ask and if he doesn’t know, I won’t tell him. No, that wouldn’t work. He’d know even if I didn’t tell him by then. So I tell him…and then what? I don’t want to hurt him. He’s probably up there with everything ready, just waiting on Mike to show._

Ryan’s heart pinched. It wasn’t supposed to be Mike in Seattle, it was supposed to be him. He felt a mix of hurt and anger start to boil and he shoved it down. _No. If I’m doing this, I’m keeping that out of my mind. Jason did what he did, and there’s nothing that can change it. It was his choice. If I call, it’s just to apologize for how things ended, make sure he’s okay, and then I’ll ask. If I get that far. If he’ll talk to me. I just don’t want him going through that same shit he put up with while he was with Mark. Even when we were together, it still hurt him that Mark was with other people, and now Mike’s doing it, too. What if he thinks that’s how it’s supposed to be? No, no, I know he knows better. That was the reason he gave me for our breakup...that I was with Chester. But I wasn’t. I never was._

It was too much to think about all at once, and Ryan decided if he was going to call, he just needed to do it. He would feel Jason out, and if he made it through apologizing, then he’d take the next step to ask about work and maybe the new place Chester had said sounded super nice. Then he’d ask if Jason knew about Mike. That had to be the order, or as close as he could get. 

He steadied himself, and after counting for a few seconds, making it all the way to twenty-five, he hit the call button and listened to it ring. 

Jason sat on the lower deck of the houseboat, looking out over the water. The smells from the dinner he’d burned were long gone, having drifted out through all the windows he’d opened. He’d just hung up his Facetime call with Mike, and things felt unsettled. _He didn’t really answer me about why he didn’t call me back last night. Unless he really did fall asleep after work, but that would be so strange for him to be that exhausted. He does look tired, though. I don’t know. He seems off._

He could feel the phone in his hand, and he was tempted to call Mike back, just to talk. _Maybe he doesn’t like Facetime. That’s probably not it, though. He told me he wanted to see the furniture. But then he didn’t answer last night._ Jason ran his hand over his hair and sighed. His mind kept flipping back and forth between worry and annoyance at himself. There probably wasn’t any reason to worry, he was just making it all up in his head. They would be together soon, and then everything would be fine. _Once his audition is over, he can rest. I think it’s just stress._

Before he could get up to go inside, his phone rang again. Thinking it was Mike calling back, Jason slid his thumb across the screen to open it, the name on the caller ID not registering until he heard Ryan’s voice on the other end of the line. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Ryan,” Ryan said, hating how horrible that sounded. He was still on the floor in Talinda’s living room, his back against the wall as he stared out the window at the night sky and the shadow of the tree that hung over most of his view. “I hope it’s okay that I’m calling.” 

“Ry. Hey,” Jason responded automatically, hearing the surprise in his own voice. “Of course it’s fine. Is everything okay? Are you alright?” He went from surprise to concern in an instant. The two of them hadn’t talked since Ryan walked out of the loft, and Jason’s thoughts went immediately to awful scenarios. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ryan assured him, his nerves calming a little. Jason wasn’t upset that he’d called, and that was step one. “I still had your number in my phone, and I just wanted to talk for a few minutes, if you have time.” He held his breath, waiting to see if things would go further or if Jason would give an excuse to get off the phone. 

“Oh. Yeah, I’m just… sitting here. I was thinking about going to get something to eat, since I burned dinner. I’m not much of a cook,” Jason admitted, thinking about the chicken he’d had to throw out. 

Ryan dug his fingers into the leg of his jeans. He wasn’t sure how to take that statement. “I won’t keep you for long,” he said. “Jay, I know things ended really awful between us, and I’ve just recently realized that I regret how it went. I shouldn’t have left the way I did.” 

Jason took a deep breath. It had been almost a month since they broke up, and Ryan hadn’t given any indication he was open to talk about how things had gone. “I was thinking about you last night,” he said carefully. “I was going through photos, prints, looking for some I wanted to display in an album, and I found all these pictures I’d taken of you. I was wondering how you were. I hate how we left things, too.” He thought about the picture he’d held for a long while last night, looking at the unique shade of blue in Ryan’s eyes, and how easy it was to picture them in person. 

Ryan felt his insides lift. Jason was thinking about him. At least he was last night. The conversation suddenly felt a lot less one-sided. “I haven’t really unpacked my stuff yet, but I think I have a few pictures you printed for me still. Of us.” Ryan closed his eyes. That was probably too much to say. “Anyway, I just wanted to see if you were okay and say sorry for being an ass the last time you saw me. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I’m sure it was probably awful.” 

“Oh, I deserved it,” Jason mumbled, his free hand going to cover his heart. “I’m sorry, too. I figured you never wanted to talk to me again. And I wouldn’t blame you, Ry. I didn’t do the right thing, I should have treated you with more respect.” He stopped and tried to let out a breath silently, so Ryan wouldn’t hear it. “I’m glad you called.” 

“I am, too,” Ryan agreed softly. “I still don’t quite understand what happened, but I know I wasn’t helping the situation.” He stopped, swallowing hard as his conversations with Chester over the last few weeks filtered through his mind. There had been a lot said between them, but there was one thing in particular that Ryan had bucked against, but now it seemed like Chester had been right. “Jay, listen, if I ever did anything that made you feel like I wasn’t being loyal or made you feel like you weren’t the most important person in my life, I’m sorry. I know Chester and I were close...too close, I know now, and I just wanted to tell you that it was never anything to do with you and me or that I was looking elsewhere. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way.” 

Jason clutched at his shirt and swallowed. He’d resisted that line of thinking for a long time, but was guilty of deciding that there was something more between Ryan and Chester. Especially when Mike had been so adamant about it. “The two of you, yeah, you were close. You always have been. I shouldn’t have decided it meant more. I shouldn’t have let that justify what happened with Mike. I’m sorry for that, Ryan. I really am.” 

Ryan shivered as he let out a long breath. It was the first time he’d really heard Jason sound like Jason in a long time. “I think it all got crazy,” he said as he started to build up his courage for what he knew he was going to ask before their conversation ended. “How’s your new job?” 

The shift in subject caused Jason to tilt his head. “It’s good so far. I’m just in training right now, but pretty soon I’ll be the only one in charge. It’s a little scary, but exciting. I’ll love having more responsibility and feeling useful. It makes the days go by quickly.” He still had a handful of shirt in his hand. “Ry?” he asked softly. “What about you? Are you doing okay? I mean, I know you said things were okay, but really, are you okay?” Jason remembered the night before everything fell apart, the conversation about Seattle and starting their new life together. He’d completely crushed that dream not twenty-four hours later. 

“I’m making it,” Ryan offered as he tried to hold his composure. They were on the phone, but he knew Jason would hear every hitch in his voice or breath of uncertainty. “Work is good, and I moved in with Talinda. She works at Score, too. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ll be okay. And I knew you’d be kick ass at the new job. Mr. Manager,” he added before he mentally kicked himself. 

He cleared his throat and sat himself up a little straighter. It was clear it was time to just come out with it. He’d spent the day thinking about the pros and cons of telling Jason about what was going on, and when that list came up short, there was only one thought left on his heart. If Jason had willingly gone back into an open relationship, Ryan wanted to tell him - wanted to make sure he knew - that he was worth a lot more than that. 

“I’ll let you go so you can go eat, but I need to ask you something first,” Ryan said slowly, one hand around the back of his neck. “Are you...are you and Mike in an open relationship?” 

“What?” Jason asked. He felt certain he’d heard Ryan wrong. “What? An open relationship? Ryan, you know how I feel about that. Why would you ever ask such a thing?” 

Ryan’s fingers gripped into his neck. _He doesn’t know. Fuck me, he doesn’t know._ He glanced around the living room, like he was suddenly worried someone was listening before he stared back out the window, at the night, and then he closed his eyes. “God, Jay, don’t hate me. I only brought it up because I thought you were selling yourself short and I didn’t want to see you go through that again. Mike’s seeing Chester.” 

“What?” Jason repeated, but this time it was much softer. His hand dropped into his lap as he tried to process what Ryan was saying. “That’s why you called? Mike, Mike… he’s seeing Chester? Like, sleeping with him? Ry,” he begged softly, “you’re wrong. He wouldn’t do that. It’s _Mike._” The logical part of his brain knew that Mike had cheated on Chester with him, but that was different. Somehow in his head, that wasn’t the same. It was one time, and Mike had said no after that, until he and Chester broke up. The Mike he knew wasn’t a cheater. Mike couldn’t do that to him. 

Ryan shook his head. “I wanted to tell you I was sorry about us,” he stated, “so it wasn’t the only reason why. And I’m not wrong, Jay. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have told you.” 

Jason didn’t know what to say, but he knew Ryan intimately, and he knew that Ryan wouldn’t lie. Even if he was hurting and angry at Jason, Ryan would never lie to hurt him. He felt his throat close up with the beginning of tears as the pieces from the last few days started to click into place. _I’ve been gone four days. That was all it took? For him to decide I’m not worth it? He’s not going to leave L.A. or Chester. I knew he was having doubts… he hasn’t been tired, he’s been with Chaz._ Jason felt like a fool. “I can’t believe it,” he whispered finally, though he wasn’t sure it was loud enough for Ryan to even hear him. 

Ryan opened his eyes, his gaze on the hideous pink carpeting of Talinda’s living room. The carpeting she wanted to rip up and replace with hardwood floors. It was their next house project on her schedule. “Jay, I’m sorry,” Ryan said again. “You know I didn’t tell you to hurt you, I, I just didn’t want you hurting yourself by repeating the past.”

“Right,” Jason said crisply. He was finished talking for now. “I’m glad you called,” he said again. “Maybe we can talk again soon.” 

Ryan took the hint. That was it, their talk was done. “Sure,” he answered. “Have a nice dinner. Bye,” he said, and the moment he heard Jason return the farewell, he ended the call. He dropped his phone and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. _Fuck, that was hard. I hope I did the right thing._

Jason sat on the deck until it was dark. Past dark. He thought about calling Mike right then, confronting him with what Ryan just told him, but a sinking part of him knew that Mike wouldn’t answer. _He’s with Chaz. That’s why he didn’t answer yesterday. That’s why he’s not texting much at night. He’s not practicing._ He felt a flare of anger for a moment, thinking of all he was giving Mike. The house, all of the new things for the house they’d picked out. The drafting table Mike didn’t even know about, and school. _A college education! And he’s just going to walk away from it! I thought we had this all figured out!_

He stewed in those thoughts - thoughts of just how ungrateful Mike was - long enough that the sudden realization that he was approaching it all wrong came to mind. _Oh, hon. Look at me and what a mess I’ve made things. I tried to do it just like you. That was my first mistake. Mike didn’t need rescuing. He was fine with Chaz the way he was. Happy. Not conflicted and torn up because of what I asked him to do. What I offered him in return. What’s wrong with me? Am I ever going to get out from under your shadow?_

Jason closed his eyes and listened to the water. It gently lapped against the deck, a barely there sound that if he were talking, would have been completely missed. But everything was still and quiet, only a slight breeze to move the air along. He felt completely alone for the first time in a long time. Even the night before when he’d realized how lonely it was, spending the first night alone in the houseboat, he hadn’t felt _alone._

_But now… if Mike’s going back to Chaz, I can’t stop him. And Ry, he doesn’t want me anymore. Not after what I did to him. And so that leaves me here, with your ghost. You’re never going to go away, Mark. If I’d known at eighteen what I know now, things would have turned out so different._

When he finally decided to get up and go inside, he felt no better than he had when he’d just ended the call. He closed the downstairs windows and turned off the kitchen light before he went upstairs. The brand new bed, just put together yesterday with the soft cream and sage green blanket he and Mike had chosen together, was right in front of him. Jason closed his eyes for a moment and tried not to imagine Mike at home in the loft, in bed with Chester. But the months of filming the couple at YRS neatly filled in the blanks for him, despite his nauseous stomach.

_I can’t believe Mike would lie to me. Even when everything was happening, when we were starting our relationship and he was with Chaz, he was honest with me about what was happening and how he felt. How did I lose him so fast? I know we haven’t been together that long, but it was going to be perfect. Is he really going to give that up, just for his history with Chester?_

Slowly the idea formed in Jason’s head to go back to L.A. for Mike. _If I’m there, he won’t tell me no. I’ll go home and bring him back with me. Either he’ll come with me, or he won’t, but I’ll make sure that he does. We’ll talk it out. I’ll bring him back to Seattle with me. I’ll make sure he sees every inch of this place before I go home. And I’ll look him in the eyes and tell him that I love him. It won’t just be a note, or over the phone. It means something. I just need it to mean more to him when I say it than when Chaz says it._

Jason pushed away the thought that Chester had something he didn’t. Mark had been enamored with him, and Mike had been so fiercely protective of him that he gave up his own moral code to come to YRS. The familiar twinge of jealousy he’d felt back when Mark first brought Chaz home came back, a subtle, persistent nudge to his gut. _Hon, tell me how to win over Chaz. Tell me what I could have done differently that you never would have looked at him. That Mike wouldn’t be lying with him now. What am I doing wrong?_

He knew Mark wouldn’t answer now any more than he would have if he’d been two feet away. Jason sighed and pulled the blanket back, dropping all his clothes into the hamper before he went into the bathroom to take a shower. It was Tuesday. _You’ve got until Friday night, Mark. Just give me a sign. Something to tell me that going to L.A. will work out._ He wiped away a few tears that managed to escape before he stepped into the shower to try to wash away his self-doubt and fear. 

****  
TBC


	36. Avoiding Reality Part 2

Mike held the little red keycard in front of the sensor on the hotel room door and waited for the light to blink green. He had a rolling suitcase next to him - packed mostly with Chester’s things - and his backpack. Chester was behind him, leaning on the crutches and not complaining, even though the room they’d booked for the weekend in Long Beach was at the very end of the hall on the opposite side of the hotel from the elevators.

“I can’t wait to check out the pool,” Mike said as he opened the door and put his weight against it, holding it open for Chester to pass through. “They’re supposed to have _two_ hot tubs.” Once Chester got inside, Mike dragged the suitcase in and let the door shut behind him. The hotel was nice enough that the door shut slowly instead of slamming. Mike pulled the suitcase down the short hall past the bathroom and closet, laughing as Chester plopped down right on the bed. It was a monstrous king sized bed, smack in the center of the room, with a fluffy white down comforter and six pillows along the black headboard. Everything in the room was sleek and modern, and very clean. “How’s the bed?”

“It’s okay,” Chester said, bouncing a little before he laid down, his entire body flopping backwards. “And big. It’s big, Sexy Boy.” He reached one arm back, over his head. “I can’t even reach the other side.” He picked his head up, eyeing Mike. “I could lose track of you in this bed.” 

“Nah, I won’t let you lose me.” Mike flashed him a smile and dropped his backpack in the chair to the desk in the corner before he headed over to the closet for the luggage rack. “Trust me, you’ll know exactly where I am the entire time we’re in that bed.” He bit down on his bottom lip. The idea of getting Chester naked in that bed and staying there all weekend was the most appealing thought he’d had since they decided to spend the weekend out of town. He wasn’t sure what all they could do besides lay in bed or the hot tub, anyway. Chester’s crutches were limiting. 

Chester sat himself up and looked around the expansive room. The television was large, the chairs over by the window were puffy and there were so many pillows on the bed, he wasn’t sure what they were going to do with all of them. “I want to go out and see the balcony,” he decided as he grabbed his crutches and stood up. “I hope there’s chairs out there.” He made it around the bed, and Mike zipped in front of him to open the double doors. 

Chester gasped as they stepped out. The air was warm, and they could see the ocean, even though it was a far off view. “It’s beautiful,” Chester whispered, before he looked around the small space. There were two chairs, and a tiny table between them off to the left. “Mike, sit down with me for a minute,” he begged as he made his way over to the closest chair. He turned himself around and sat down, before leaning his crutches against the wall. 

Mike dropped into the empty chair and looked around. “This is an amazing view. Maybe we’ll just stay right here all weekend.” A quick thought of sex on the balcony hit him before he shook that away. _That’s not happening. Not while he’s hurt. And probably not, anyway. I think you can get arrested for that._ He squinted as his gaze stopped on Chester. “You look happy,” he said simply, his face breaking into a smile. 

Chester looked over, and reached for Mike’s hand. The chairs were close enough that it wasn’t much of a stretch. “It’s so quiet here. Peaceful. Not like in the city.” He pulled his piercing in for a moment, sucking on it, as thoughts rolled around his mind. This would be the last time he and Mike stayed in a hotel together. Their last get away. Their last weekend trip. “I was just thinking about how I’ll always remember us coming here...in the peacefulness.” 

“We’ve made some good memories so far this week, but this is perfect. It’s so much better than living like hobos in the loft and sneaking around Amir’s. It’s just us.” Mike stroked his thumb over Chester’s fingers and let himself examine Chester’s face. It was a face he loved, Chester’s bright eyes and lips he loved to kiss, the lip ring he adored and neck he loved to bite at. It felt like it had been forever since he’d been able to do that. He cleared his throat. “So, what do you want to do for dinner? You want to order room service and just stay out here?” 

“Oh, that is tempting,” Chester answered, squeezing Mike’s hand. “I think I’m in favor of room service tonight. After the drive and the long ass walk to the room, I’m ready to stay in. Besides,” he said, with a devilish raise of his eyebrows, “staying in means more time in bed.”

“I’m totally in favor of that.” Mike’s eyes slid down Chester’s neck and across his body, and he was suddenly hungry for more than just dinner. “I hope they have a good menu. You stay here, I’ll go grab it for us.” He stood up and kissed the top of Chester’s head quickly before he disappeared back inside.

The double doors were still open so the breeze could enter the room. Mike grabbed the menu from the desk and went right back outside, looking it over. “Oh, they’ve got bacon cheeseburgers. And steak and lobster. That’s such a hard decision,” he whined as he handed the menu over to Chester. 

“Bacon cheeseburger for the win,” Chester said immediately. “And steak fries. And ketchup. I’m set,” he decided quickly, handing the menu back. “And a beer to top it off. I didn’t look, do they have those listed?” He leaned over, trying to see the menu he’d just given up. 

“Yeah, they’re on here.” Mike handed the menu back over. “Pick one. I’ll just get what you’re having. It’s easier that way. Less chance it will get messed up. And we should pick a dessert, too. We can share if you want.” 

Chester had to keep himself from laughing. “You share a dessert? Okay,” he chuckled with a grin. “They have cheesecake. That’s always a winner with us. And beer,” he hummed as he scanned the options. “They have Samuel Adams. You like those… well, as well as you like beer.” 

“I can drink it,” Mike replied easily, going back inside to place the order. He pressed the button on the phone, chuckling to himself at the phone with a cord he was talking on, and made sure the kitchen understood that they needed an entire, full sized bottle of ketchup, not those small bottles they tried to bring to the room in hotels. Once he was satisfied and put the phone back on the cradle, he stretched his arms over his head. “Ches, they said forty-five minutes. Can you believe that?!” Mike called through the double doors. 

“That’s okay!” Chester shouted back, turning his head towards the doors. “We can enjoy the view or take showers so we’re already for bed when the food gets here.” Suddenly the idea of eating in the giant bed with all the white sheets and blankets was a little daunting. “Oh my god, what if I get ketchup on the bed!”

Mike walked back out and rubbed his hand along the top of Chester’s head. “You need me to tie a towel around your neck so you don’t make a mess in the bed?”

Chester looked up, squinting from the sun. “No,” he said right away. “I’m just saying I’m going to have to be extra careful. All that white. White and ketchup don’t go together, and yet eating in bed is so much fun.” 

“Well, it’s not our bed, so don’t worry about it,” Mike decided. “If you get something on it they’ll take it and wash it. So - showers or sitting? I love the view, but there’s a big part of me that wants to be totally horizontal for the rest of the night. Or mostly horizontal.” He grinned at his lover and petted over the top of his hair again, feeling the little curls in the middle of Chester’s head.

“Well when you put it that way, I’ll go for a shower.” Chester thought about offering for them to shower together, but with the way Mike was already talking, and all the flirty banter that had happened on the drive down, he knew the shower would lead to more, and they’d probably not even hear when room service showed up. “I want to go first, then I can sit down and not get back up,” he said as he reached for his crutches. “I’m going to be a pain and ask you to find my pajama pants and underwear for me.” 

“Or we could just eat naked,” Mike offered teasingly, though part of him was serious. “It’s not as dangerous as cooking naked, you know.” He waited while Chester got organized and then followed him inside. The suitcase was on the luggage rack and he didn’t have to bend over much to unzip it. Chester’s clothes were neatly packed exactly the way Mike had watched him do it earlier that evening. He plucked out a pair of underwear and pajama pants and carried them to the counter in the bathroom. “Here you go, in case you decide you really want them. Do you need anything else?”

Chester looked around the high end bathroom. There was hotel provided soap and shampoo, which would work just fine for his small amount of hair. He knew Mike had brought along his own shampoo, and for half a second Chester thought about asking to borrow it, but decided against it. He just wanted to get in, get clean, and then get to the bed for the night. “I’m good. Thanks. Everything’s here,” he said, motioning around the bathroom, from the shower to the towels neatly folded nearby. 

“Okay. Just holler if you need me.” Mike stepped out and pulled the door closed behind him. He didn’t want to go on the balcony, just in case Chester called for him, but he needed to take the opportunity to talk to Jason while his lover was out of earshot. The last thing he wanted to do was sour their weekend with a reminder that they weren’t together anymore. Ever since the dinner with Forrest, Mike had been more relaxed in their situation, the reality of it fading to the background except for those minutes he spent on the phone with his boyfriend. 

Mike dug his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the time before he called. It was a little after seven. Jason should be home from work by now, probably with a glass of wine already in his hand. The call only rang twice before Jason picked it up.

He was sitting on the gray couch, looking at the still packed boxes of Mike’s belongings when the phone rang, and Jason leaned over to pick it up from the coffee table. “Hi, sweetheart,” he answered. After Ryan’s call earlier in the week, Jason had kept his conversations with Mike calm and easygoing. “How was work? Ready for the weekend?” He crossed his ankles and sat back, his eyes on the boxes.

“It was good!” Mike didn’t mention he’d been able to leave an hour early because his last lesson had canceled early in the week. “How’s the weather up there?”

All week it had been the same trite nonsense. Work and the weather. Time alone. Time to ponder the direction things had gone, what Mike was doing, what Ryan was doing. Jason glanced over at the windows. “You’d love it,” he managed to say, “perfect flannel weather. Overcast and misty today. I miss the L.A. sunshine a bit.” Part of him was hoping Mike could tell him to come home for the weekend, to enjoy the sun and more importantly, to see him. But that invitation didn’t come.

“Sounds perfect.” Mike was pacing up and down the room, one ear on Jason and the other on Chester’s shower. “What are you doing tonight? Relaxing? Or more unpacking?” He thought about all of the boxes he’d seen when they last used Facetime two nights ago.

“Just relaxing. I opened a bottle of wine. It’s one of the ones you like,” Jason offered, swirling the liquid around in the glass he was holding. “And take out. There’s been a lot of take out. I had spaghetti tonight from a place on the way home from work. It was okay.”

Food was a safe topic, and Mike smiled. “I’m about to eat. A bacon cheeseburger. I’m starving.”

Jason raised an eyebrow and smelled his wine. “You called before you sat down to eat?” It was a glaring sign that Mike didn’t expect to be on the phone with him for very long.

“I just called, I guess for once I wasn’t thinking with my stomach.” Mike rolled his eyes at himself. So much for food being a safe topic that didn’t lead to questions. _I’m definitely not thinking with my stomach. Other things, I can’t be too sure._ He turned to pace back across the room and closer to Chester.

“That’s new for you,” Jason teased lightly. There was a silence, and he took a sip of the wine. He wanted Mike to say something else, to tell him that he missed him, or was looking forward to the wine they would share, or _something._ When it stretched a little longer than was comfortable, Jason finally said, “well, I guess I’ll let you go eat. You’re probably planning to practice after dinner, huh?” 

Mike nodded. “I am. I need to get a few hours in before bed.”

“Right.” Jason’s eyes focused on Mike’s boxes again. “I’m sure you’ll be glad when the audition is over and you can get some rest. It sounds like it’s just been an exhausting week for you.” He couldn’t help himself. Jason knew Mike wouldn’t be practicing tonight, and the thought that Chester was already there, in the loft, struck him suddenly. _He’s probably right there listening to every word. And I wouldn’t even know if Ry hadn’t told me. He cared enough to call me. God, Ry, I screwed this up._

“It has been a long week,” Mike agreed. “Well, I’ll call you tomorrow, Jay. I’ll probably sleep in, as much as I can with the light over here.” Mike looked at the hotel room curtains, the blackout liner behind them, and felt his excitement for the weekend level up a notch. He and Chester could sleep in without the sun in their faces.

“Enjoy your dinner.” Jason closed his eyes and added, “I love you, sweetheart. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” The bitterness in his voice was obvious, but Mike didn’t seem to hear it. He didn’t know Jason the way Ryan did. Ryan would have picked up on it immediately, asked him what was wrong. 

The shower shut off, and instinctively Mike lowered his voice. “I love you, too.” He heard Jason disconnect the call, and he looked toward the bathroom. _I’m glad that’s over. I hate when Ches has to hear me say that. He won’t tell me, but I know it bothers him._

The bathroom door opened, with a steamy mist following Chester’s slow hobble. “Look at me being done with the shower in record time,” he joked as he headed right for the bed. His skin was still warm and moist from the hot shower, and with the fresh air coming in from the open French doors, it was like being in another world. He smiled at Mike. “I’ll take over cheeseburger waiting duty if you want to hurry and go next.” He sat down on the bed, and ditched his crutches quickly before carefully pulling both legs up onto the mattress. “At least there’s plenty of pillows,” he mumbled as he reached for one to put under his foot, which was boot and bandage free. 

Mike was at his side quickly to help. “Here, I’ll get that. You get comfortable and I’ll prop up your foot.” He waited for Chester to settle back into the pillows and then got his foot raised. “Okay, I’ll be super fast. I bet I’ll beat the cheeseburgers.” He leaned over and kissed the top of Chester’s head before he disappeared into the bathroom, shampoo in one hand and boxers and a t-shirt in the other.

Chester heard the bathroom door click shut, and almost just as fast the water started. He had to shake his head and laugh. He let out a sigh and put his head back against the wall of pillows behind him. _I’m so hungry. I hope the food is good. I’m going to be a little devastated if it sucks. And I know Sexy Boy will be, too. I just don’t want to go back out. It’s so much fuckin’ work to do anything. I want to stay right here, with the breeze and a naked Mike next to me._

Chester opened his eyes, the view of the ceiling hitting him. He tried to turn his mind off, and not think about things like their countdown of together time coming to an end soon, or how much he was going to miss waking up with Mike every morning. He’d already spent weeks in that position, waking up alone without his lover, and it wasn’t something he liked. _I was getting used to it, but I don’t want to get used to it. I just want him to stay. I want him to want to stay._

Before long Chester heard the shower turn off, and he sat himself up a little straighter and turned his attention to the room instead. It was nice, and it was going to be a great weekend of memories and adventures together, and for now that was enough. He leaned over and grabbed the remote control that was thankfully close enough for him to reach. He got the television turned on just in time for Mike to step out of the bathroom. 

“Is the food here yet?” Mike asked with a touch of panic in his voice as he came out of the bathroom with his clothes in one hand and his towel in the other, scrubbing at his hair. He took a few steps and could tell there was no scent of bacon in the air. “Nope. See? I told you I’d beat the food.” He balled up his towel and tossed it in the general direction of the bathroom, then stepped into his boxers. “What are you watching?”

“Well, for the last ninety seconds, you,” Chester said with a grin. “You’re the best thing I’ve seen all day.”

Mike felt the slight blush to his cheeks as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. “I just wanted to get back to you. There was no time for clothes.” He crawled across the bed and laid down next to Chester. “I was considering just not putting them on at all, but I don’t think I should answer the door for our food naked.” 

Chester rolled his head to look Mike in the eyes - his darker than black eyes that he loved - before he reached over and tickled his fingers over his chest. “I don’t think I’d want you to answer the door naked either.” He leaned forward, bringing his hand up to caress Mike’s jawline as they kissed. 

Everything inside Mike wanted to crawl between Chester’s legs and make himself at home, but he resisted. Food was coming. He sucked lightly at Chester’s lip ring and then dragged his lips down, kissing along Chester’s jaw and then down his neck. “You smell clean. I like it,” he whispered before he dared to use his teeth super lightly on Chester’s skin. “Good enough to eat.” 

The feel of Mike’s teeth on his neck sent a short gasp through Chester’s entire body. Despite their numerous intimate encounters over the last week, Mike’s familiar nipping teeth had been absent. Chester’s hand had slid to Mike’s shoulder, and he latched onto him as his lips parted in a soft moan. 

Chester didn’t stop him, and the moan didn’t sound like a protest to Mike’s ears. He added another soft nip to the skin on Chester’s collarbone, then back up for another on his neck. “The food better get here fast or I’m gonna have us both naked anyway.” Mike had stopped asking permission days ago, taking to heart the number of times Chester had assured him he wanted this too. 

It was an instant giggle from Chester. “One of us has to keep our clothes on,” he said, his eyes shutting as Mike’s lips and teeth cruised seductively up his neck. “Fuck, you’re right,” he said with a pant. He tugged a little at Mike’s t-shirt, more on instinct than thought as he tried to reach the warm skin under it. He wanted to touch his stomach and his nipples and feel his heat. For the first time since their reunion, they were surrounded by comforts - a private room, a large bed with clean blankets, sheets, and pillows. They had their own balcony and no one was around, so they could be as loud as they wanted to be. It was perfect, and Chester loved the feel of Mike nipping at his skin, the way he’d done for the last two years. 

The loud knock at the hotel room door caused Mike to groan in frustration. It was the first time he could think of in a long while that he was willing to miss a meal. “Damn,” he swore under his breath, brushing his lips across Chester’s shoulder. “Food’s here.” Mike pulled away without looking to see the mild frustration he knew was on Chester’s face, too. “I mean, I guess that’s a good thing. Everyone is still dressed.” He slid off the bed and headed to the door. 

There were two room service trays, and Mike stood back to allow the hotel employees to bring them inside and take them to the small round table to the left of the television, being quick to thank them and send them on their way. One of the trays had Chester’s bottle of ketchup, right next to the two covered plates. Mike peeked under the silver domes and determined that the bacon cheeseburger was on one plate, and Chester’s fries on the other. “Okay, babe. How do you want to do this? It’s on two plates. You want me to bring you the burger and put the fries on the little table next to you?” 

“That works,” Chester said, as he watched Mike reorganize the food. “It smells good.” He took a long whiff of the air. “Mmmmm...I can almost taste the ketchup.” He licked his lips as he waited patiently. 

Mike handed Chester the ketchup bottle first and then the hamburger, arranging the plate of fries and the beer within reach before he went to the other tray. There were three covered dishes, and he knew one was the chocolate swirl cheesecake he’d wanted for dessert. The second lid he lifted revealed the giant piece of cheesecake, complete with chocolate sauce drizzled on top, little puffs of whipped cream, and chocolate shavings. “Oh, god, Ches, this cheesecake looks amazing.” 

Chester already had a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger, and it took him a moment to swallow it down. “You can have it, Sexy Boy. Not sure I’ll have room for it. This burger is massive. And yummy, and fuck, come here,” he begged suddenly as he fumbled with his hamburger to pull a strip of the thick cut, peppered bacon off. “I’ve got something for you.” He held it up with a grin. 

“God, it’s the way to my heart,” Mike cooed, leaving the cheesecake behind to jump on the bed on all fours and crawl over to Chester. “I think it’s one of the things I love most about you. You always share your bacon with me.” He leaned forward and let Chester feed him the piece of bacon, practically moaning at the contrast of the salty meat and peppery edge. Mike took small bites until Chester shoved the last bit in his mouth, and he licked at Chester’s fingers before he pulled them away. 

“Bacon means more to you than it does to me,” Chester said as he debated pulling his other piece off to feed to his lover. “I’ve got another piece on here, if you want it.” 

“Aw, but then you’d just have a cheeseburger. And that’s just sad. Keep it, Ches. There’s bacon on mine.” Mike sat back on his knees and rolled his eyes at himself. “Look, all you had to do was dangle bacon in my face and I abandon my own food like I haven’t eaten in weeks.” 

“Which is funny, because we’ve eaten a hell of a lot this past week.” Chester sat forward, just far enough to quickly pat Mike’s leg. “Hurry up,” he insisted. “I want us to eat together so I don’t feel like a pig.” 

Mike poked Chester in the stomach. “You could never be accused of being the pig among us.” He crawled off the bed and grabbed his hamburger and fries, bringing them back over to sit next to Chester on the bed. “Even with a head start and minus a piece of bacon, I’ll probably still finish before you do. I swear I try to eat slow. I really do,” he insisted as he met Chester’s eyes. “You’re laughing at me.” 

“Only on the inside,” Chester admitted, trying his hardest to not laugh out loud. “And your appetite has always been one of my favorite things about you. And not in a weird way, it’s just I know you appreciate it when I cook for you, and that makes it more fulfilling. If that makes sense.” He shrugged before taking another bite. 

Mike was two bites in with a mouthful of cheeseburger. He nodded, agreeing that he understood what Chester meant. He missed Chester cooking for him. It was something he had grown accustomed to while they were together, and while he ate, he wondered if he’d been appreciative enough of that, or if he’d taken it for granted. _I always said thank you for cooking. Didn’t I? Or did I just think it? I love everything he cooks. Lasagna and steak and spaghetti and even just eggs and toast. I always burn stuff._ Mike swallowed and said, “you’re a great cook, Ches. It’s really a talent of yours.” 

Chester smiled around his food before saying a simple, “thank you.” He took his plate of fries, setting his half-eaten burger down. He watched the mound of ketchup on the corner of the plate build as he thought about what to say next. A big part of him wanted to ask Mike about his school he would be starting. Chester was pretty sure that when the coming week was over, and Mike left to go to Seattle, he was never going to see him again. _Maybe I’ll never get to talk to him again either. I won’t get to ask him about it unless I do it before he leaves._

It was a struggle. He knew bringing up Seattle would probably dampen the mood, but school was important to Mike, and despite their lack of conversation about it, he knew his ex-boyfriend was excited. Chester dragged a french fry slowly through his ketchup as he tried to think of the best way to ask without Mike taking it the wrong way. “So...when does your school start?” he asked, keeping his eyes on his food. 

Mike put his burger down and picked up a french fry to dab in a bit of ketchup. “Next semester. I still have to audition, that’s in a few weeks. I’ve been practicing a ton, trying to get ready. For a while I had things fairly polished, but it kind of slipped over the last… year or so,” he finished quietly. Working on his music hadn’t been a huge priority when they were in the thick of things at YRS together. Mike thought that over for a second while he and Chester ate fries. “If I’m good enough then I’m set. If I’m not, I’ll have to do some lessons and reaudition. And if I’m really good, they’ll give me some scholarship money. So I guess we’ll see.” He picked up his burger again and took a bite. Talking about school wasn’t unwelcome, he just hadn’t been expecting it. 

“I think you’ll make it,” Chester encouraged. “You’ve always been so good at it. Will it be like it was going to be when you were going to go here and just do a little bit at a time?” 

“Full time. There’s so much to do as a performance major. I’ll have hours of work in the practice room and then all the theory and composition and history classes. It will be a lot. But I really want to do it.” Mike felt the squeeze at his heart at the thought of leaving Chester behind in L.A. 

“You have to take history classes?” Chester asked, before he reached for his beer. “Guess that is different from what we talked about before. I’m glad you’re getting to go,” he added, even though it felt bittersweet. “You deserve it, Mike. You really do. I know you’ve put all this on hold for the last couple of years.” 

“It’s music history, and-” Mike stopped and looked over at Chester. It was true he’d put off auditioning, but it was a combination of the fear of not being good enough, and the worry of how to pay for it all. With Jason in the picture, money wasn’t a concern. Now it was just the fear of failure, which Mike felt like he’d been able to set aside the past few weeks to work hard at his audition music. “There were a lot of reasons I didn’t go. But I wouldn’t change it, Ches. Maybe this is just the right time, you know? Before it wouldn’t have been the right time.” He picked up two fries at once and dipped them before stuffing them in his mouth. 

“Yeah,” Chester mumbled with a nod. “You’ll kick that school’s ass. I know you will.” He sat quietly as he played with one of his french fries, sliding it around through the ketchup. It was a strange feeling, being both heartbroken and excited at the same time. He wanted Mike to succeed. He’d always wanted that for him, and more and more it was becoming clear that his part in Mike Shinoda’s story was about to be over. Thoughts that he’d been the weight tying Mike down for the last two years tackled him, and for a few seconds Chester had to shut his eyes and concentrate to get that train of thought to go away. He didn’t want to make this about him. He didn’t want to sour their night or their weekend by feeling sorry for himself. Mike was going to go do what he wanted, and Chester was determined to make sure Mike knew that he was happy for him, despite the circumstances. 

“Getting a scholarship would be really neat,” he offered. “Then it won’t cost as much, or maybe nothing at all, right?” He looked over at Mike, hoping he didn’t sound like a complete idiot. College and scholarships were never part of Chester’s world, and he only had a very generic idea of how they worked. 

“That’s right.” Mike watched Chester play with his ketchup and reached over to squeeze his lover’s thigh. “Ches? You okay? We don’t have to talk about this now, you know. I’ve never seen you play with ketchup before. Isn’t that like… a crime in your book?” He leaned his head to the side and kissed Chester’s shoulder. “I feel like we’re so up and down right now,” he admitted. 

“No, I want to talk about it,” Chester told him, only glancing over for a moment. “I know what a big deal it is to you, and if we don’t talk about it before you leave, then we won’t get to.” He left his fry on the plate and set it off to the side, on the little table by the bed. “I think I’m done with the ketchup. The fries are kinda salty. And what do you mean by up and down?” 

Mike set the rest of his fries to the side too, and turned to face Chester. “You know. We’re playing around and flirting, and having a great time, and then the conversation gets all serious.” He wanted to say, _you said you wanted this to just be fun_, but he didn’t. He didn’t know what Chester wanted anymore, but Mike knew that over the past week he’d thought of staying in L.A. several times a day. “I don’t mind talking about things, until you start to look sad. I don’t want you to be sad.” 

Chester let out a long breath. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I’m not trying to be sad. I’m really not.” He looked over and reached for Mike’s hand. “It’s just that you’re going to go off and start a new life, and I’m not going to be a part of it. I just wanted to know a little bit about it before you left.” He squeezed Mike’s hand. “We can talk about something else.” 

For a split second, it was on Mike’s tongue to tell Chester that they would still talk once he left. _If_ he left. But he remembered Chester telling him to watch his words and his promises, and he let out a breath instead. “School is something I’ve wanted for a long time,” Mike said carefully. “When my parents decided not to support a music degree, I wasn’t sure it would ever happen. I mean, I took the job teaching lessons thinking I might be able to save money to go, but living in L.A. is expensive. It just didn’t happen. So now that opportunity is here, and however it goes, scholarship money or not, I want to take it.” He reached over and took Chester’s hand. “Just because I’m going to school doesn’t mean we can’t still talk, Ches.” 

A small shudder ran through Chester. It was hard to accept that the man he loved was leaving him for a college degree, and at the same time Chester was no stranger to grabbing hold of opportunities when they came along. It was part of survival. “I know you’ve always wanted it,” he stated. “I wish we could have figured it out so you could have gone here, if that would have even mattered.” Chester still had Mike’s hand, and that’s all he could see as he sat trying to sort what he was feeling, and balance that with what he should or shouldn’t say. They were supposed to be having fun, they were supposed to be saying goodbye, not hashing through things that hurt. “I’d like it if we could still talk,” he said. “But I understand if we can’t.” 

Mike sat playing with Chester’s fingers. “I don’t want to not talk to you,” he said stubbornly. “Those days we didn’t talk felt like forever, Ches.” He watched his thumb moving over Chester’s nails. He was trying to gather his courage to try to explain himself again, and what happened between them that caused him to end up in Jason’s bed, but it was a subject they’d already visited. _To an extent anyway. But for him to think that if I’d been in school we wouldn’t have broken up, I don’t want him to think that. That’s not why._

He sucked in a breath and looked up at Chester. Mike’s hair was falling into his eyes, but he could see the hurt on Chester’s face. “School doesn’t have anything to do with us breaking up, Ches. We talked about it, you know? It was a lot of stupid things that all came together. I wasn’t treating you very well. I don’t blame you for leaving. You deserve to be totally pampered and trusted and taken care of, and I wasn’t doing a very good job of that. Don’t put it on school or anything you could have done about that. I wasn’t being a good boyfriend.” 

Chester pulled his hand away. “I’m pretty sure I was a shitty boyfriend, too, Mike, so don’t even go there. I was just saying that I’m sorry I couldn’t have helped you more to get what you wanted.” He looked down before he decided he needed a break. He didn’t want to fight, and he didn’t want to rehash why they’d broken up, or why Mike was choosing someone else. Chester already knew it was his fault, at the end of it all. “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” he said, before swinging his legs off the bed and reaching for his crutches. 

Mike watched Chester work his way over to the bathroom and he resisted the urge to fall face first into the pillow. _Well that was obviously the wrong thing to say. Now we’re both upset. And there’s still dessert._ He got up from the bed with a sigh, collecting the room service plates and silver domes, stacking everything on one of the two trays. He took the cheesecake and stuck it inside the small refrigerator, then shoved the trays outside the door. Right before he closed it, he reconsidered, opened the door, and took the ketchup bottle off the tray. _I should keep this for him. Just in case._

He left the ketchup on the desk and was flipping off the lights when Chester came back. Mike looked over at him. “I’m sorry, Ches,” he offered, the side of his lips curving down into a frown. He stepped over and touched the side of his lover’s face softly. It wasn’t how he’d intended for the night to go, and it had started off so well. “How about we get some rest? You want to watch a movie? Or just get comfortable and enjoy how dark this room is gonna be when we close the curtains and turn off the lamp?” 

Even with his crutches, Chester was able to touch Mike back, sliding his hand down his arm, and stopping at his wrist. “I’m sorry, too,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to spoil the fun. I don’t feel like a movie, but it won’t bother me if you want to watch something.” He looked into Mike’s dark eyes, which were half hidden by his hair and the shadows of the room. “I’m trying to be strong, Mike, I promise. I really want to spend this time with you, it just hurts when I think about you leaving too much. I didn’t mean to bring some of that up.” 

“I want to spend this time with you, too.” Mike stopped short of admitting it hurt to think of leaving Chester behind, too. He knew his heart was aching, but he didn’t have a plan. Not yet. All he had was the idea that in a week, he’d be in Seattle with Jason, even though he was sure he no longer wanted to go. “It’s okay to bring it up. Talking is good. It’s better than holding it in, you know? Let’s just go to sleep, tomorrow will be better. Go ahead, I’ll close the curtains while you get comfortable.” 

Chester agreed, and made his way to the bed. He sat down, and leaned his crutches against the wall before he pulled his pajama pants off, slowly and one leg at a time. He hated the sad silence between them. “You’re right about those, they’re like vampire level curtains,” he said, tossing a smile Mike’s way. “I never wanted to get anything like that for the loft, the view was just too beautiful. Plus, they would have been big ass curtains. Like, overwhelming.” 

A bit of relief washed over Mike as he closed them up. “You’re totally right about the view. No curtains for that place. But here, we can hide from the world. I’m looking forward to sleeping in with you.” Mike turned around in time to see Chester pulling pillows around him to get comfortable. He walked to the other side of the giant bed. “If you’re ready, I’ll turn off the lamp.” 

Chester was on his side, his ankle propped up and out in front of him at the bottom of the bed. He looked up at Mike’s silhouette. “As ready as I’m going to be.” He curled his lips together, pulling his piercing in to suck on it lightly as Mike clicked the lamp off. He felt the bed move, along with the blankets as Mike climbed in behind him. _I know school has a lot to do with it, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He tells me how much he loves me, but he’s still leaving. I can’t give him what he wants._ Chester closed his eyes and tried to think of something else as he felt Mike’s body heat press up against him. Their time was quickly running out, and Chester decided in that moment that he wouldn’t bring anything else about Seattle or Mike’s new life up again. They had the here and now, and that was all. _Our time for making plans for the future together is over._

****

It was just after five a.m. when Chester opened his eyes. As Mike predicted, their hotel room was pitch black. The only thing he could see were the bright red numbers on the digital clock sitting nearby. Chester was still on his side, one arm shoved up under his pillow as Mike lay against him in what Chester could tell was heavy sleep. Mike’s arm was folded around his waist, his lips ghosting over the back of Chester’s neck. 

He’d been hoping that Mike would be right, that the appearance of a new day would wash away the sadness that had followed Chester to bed last night, but it hadn’t. _If he’s not leaving because he gets to go to school, then does that mean he’d be going to Seattle anyway? If there was no school, he’d still be going? I guess he would be. Maybe he really does love Jason. Ryan loved Jason. Mark loved Jason. Maybe I should have seen it coming._

It was a disturbing thought as Chester looked back through his memories from the last two plus years he’d spent with Mike. _YRS was my first mistake. I should have quit that when he first asked me to. That’s easy to think now. It felt impossible at the time. I was too close with Ryan. I know that’s a big part of why he doesn’t want me. I fixed that now, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I shouldn’t have started on my meds. That really fucked us up. I should have figured something else out. He said it. I couldn’t give him what he needed so he got it from Jason._

It was a hard thought, and one Chester had wrestled with many times as he tried to pick apart the whys of the breakup that was still lodged in his heart. Mike’s weight behind him was suddenly a lot and Chester took a deep breath before he rolled over onto his back, carefully pushing Mike away so he could move. He managed to do it without sending shocks of pain through his ankle, and by the time he got resettled, Mike was still close, but no longer touching him. Chester looked away, across the room towards the bathroom. It was dark, but he still felt the need to hide his face from his lover. 

_I can have all the sex he wants now, and that still doesn’t seem to matter. Score was another problem. I never should have taken that job. He hates it. He hates everything about it, and I just kept doing it. He never liked any of our ads. I should have known. From that very first one, I should have known it wasn’t going to work. I should have quit._

The thoughts and regret kept coming, and the more Chester tried to give their breakup a name, the more upset he was getting. His chest was heaving, and he could feel tears pricking at his eyes before he went to get up. He made sure to move slowly, not wanting to wake Mike up. He grabbed his crutches, and after a quick trip to the bathroom, he made his way out to the balcony. He left the door open just a crack, so the sound of it closing wouldn’t disturb his lover. He hobbled over to the closest chair and sat down. 

The morning sky was hazy, with just a glimpse of light starting to appear. Chester was still only in his underwear as he sat, sucking in the warm air and the silence. It was different from the quiet inside the hotel room. Out here, he could hear traffic faintly in the distance as people stirred. He could hear what he figured were hotel employees as they scurried around far below him, doing work of some sort. He heard the occasional car door shut and there was a child’s voice at some point before he looked at his cellphone, which he’d managed to bring with him. 

It wasn’t even six o'clock as Chester scrolled through his contacts and text threads. It was a lonely feeling knowing that the amount of people he could call and talk to at such an early hour numbered only one. He’d already passed Ryan’s name twice, feeling guilty and drowning in the irony that he was about to call the person that had been the biggest reason he was in the pain he was. 

_It’s not Ry’s fault. It’s mine. I shouldn’t have let him get so close. Mike will get upset if he hears me talking to him._ It was a rough moment as he debated what was best. A full night’s sleep hadn’t sent his sad feelings away, and despite his best efforts, he hadn’t been able to force them away either. He was stuck in his head, and Mike didn’t want to talk about anything sad, so Chester sent Ryan a text. 

**Chester:** _I know it’s early, but are you awake?_

A few minutes later and Chester’s phone rang. He answered it quickly as he glanced over to the open French doors. “Hello?” 

“Chaz, what’s wrong? I thought you were out of town?” Ryan asked, his voice a mix of sleep and awake. 

“I am. I’m at the hotel,” Chester told him. “Mike’s still sleeping.” He leaned forward, curling one arm around his bare stomach, his other elbow on his knee. “I just need to talk. I’m sorry to wake you up, but I didn’t know who else to call.” 

“You can always call me,” Ryan assured him quickly. “Is everything okay?” 

“I think maybe you were right,” Chester admitted. “I’m just hurting myself more by doing this with Mike. I asked him about his school last night. I really wanted to talk about it, Ry. I know it means so much to him, it’s been his dream ever since I’ve known him, and he hasn’t told me anything about it. I had to ask, and everything got weird between us. He started saying school didn’t have anything to do with us breaking up, and how he didn’t want to talk about things that made me sad.” 

“Chaz,” Ryan interrupted. “Just slow down,” he counseled before letting out a long breath. He knew his friend well, and despite his conversation with Jason almost a week ago, it hadn’t seemed to have changed anything. “Look, I know you’re trying to pinpoint some reason why this all happened so you can fix it, but Chaz, I don’t think that’s going to happen. You gotta stop torturing yourself over this.” 

Chester shut his eyes, his free hand going to his forehead. “I’m not torturing myself, it’s just really hitting me that I’m not going to be part of his life anymore. I’m already not part of it. He hasn’t told me anything. Nothing about where he’ll be living, or what he thinks about moving or anything about the school he’s going to go to. I don’t even know which one it is.” 

“Probably because he’s going to be doing all those things with Jay,” Ryan said lightly. 

Despite that being the truth, and Chester knowing it better than anyone, it was a stab to his heart, and tears slipped down his cheeks. “I know,” he whimpered into the phone. “I was just hoping I was still important enough to him that he’d want to at least tell me about his life.” He left out what wanted to come next, that all he was good for now to Mike was sex and food. They ate, they had sex, and that was all their time together over the last week had really amounted to.

“Chazzy,” Ryan whispered, hating that he wasn’t there in person to take his friend into his arms, and give him the hug he could tell was so desperately needed at the moment. 

“I think I’m going to quit Score,” Chester said suddenly. 

“What? Why?” 

Chester stared down at the ceramic tiles that made up the balcony floor. “It’s a problem. Mike hates it, and if I ever date anyone ever again, it will be the same thing all over again. I never should have done it in the first place.”

“Chester, listen to me,” Ryan said, his tone dropped to something deathly serious. “Don’t quit. Don’t do anything while you’re thinking like this. I want you to promise me, okay?” He waited for what felt like minutes, even though he knew it was only seconds before Chester quietly agreed not to do anything rash. “Good. And it’s not Score’s fault. If I remember correctly, you asked Mike about it before you even took the job.” 

Chester nodded. “I did.” 

“Okay, well then he’s the asshole if he’s holding it against you now.” Ryan bit his tongue and didn’t add anymore to that statement, even though he could. He could go on for hours about how much of an asshole Mike Shinoda was, especially when it came to how he treated Chester. “Do you want me to come get you?” he asked instead. 

Chester looked up. The sky was getting lighter by the minute, and with it the reality that he needed to pull himself together hit extra hard. If he was going to enjoy his time left with Mike, he couldn’t let the sadness and self-pity consume him. “No, you don’t have to do that. I want to be here,” he told Ryan. “I want to spend time with him, I guess I just wanted more than what I’m getting.” He shivered as the breeze hit his exposed skin. “I’ll see you when we get back. I’m sorry for calling so early.” 

“Chazzy, don’t ever be sorry for calling me. Ever,” Ryan insisted. “You sure you’re going to be okay? When are you coming home?” 

“Sunday,” Chester answered easily. “And I’ll be fine. I just need to get out of my own head and accept how things are. You know what, Ry?” 

“What?” 

“Being replaced really fucking sucks,” Chester grumbled. 

Ryan let out a sigh. “Yeah, I know it does,” he agreed. “It will get better,” he tried to encourage. “We just have to make it through this part and then we can move on to something else.” He hated what he was about to say next, but hearing Chester sound so sad and defeated was more than he could take. Amir’s words from the other day zipped across his mind, that maybe Mike wouldn’t go to Seattle after all. “You never know how things are going to work out. Life, you know, it can throw in some crazy twists.”

Chester wasn’t completely sure what Ryan was trying to get at, but he agreed anyway. “Look, I better go,” he finally said. “Thanks for talking to me.” 

“Do you feel better?” 

“Yeah. I just need to not screw this up anymore. I don’t want to be sad, I really don’t. It’s just hard sometimes.” 

“Of course it is. I’m going to try and go back to sleep, Chazzy, but my offer stands. If you want me to come get you, just let me know.” 

“I will,” Chester promised before they said their goodbyes, and Chester disconnected the call. He stared at his phone till the screen went black, his insides calmed a little. _I can’t focus on what’s coming, just what we have. Right now._ It was a short self-pep talk, but it was enough to get Chester moving. He didn’t have very many mornings left to wake up with Mike, and he didn’t want to waste this one. 

He hobbled his way back into the room, closing the door as quietly as he could behind him. He flinched when it made a _snap!_ sound, but Mike didn’t move. He was still right where Chester had left him, on his side, his lips parted as he snored lightly. Chester did his best to sit down, and pull his legs back up on the bed, and under the blankets, all without waking his lover up. It was a heavy sigh of relief when he finally got comfortable, on his back with his ankle mostly on the pillow at the end of the bed. 

Even through his sleep, Mike felt Chester moving, and the pull and tug of the sheets and fluffy comforter. He felt Chester in the bed, but they weren’t touching. His hand snaked over and found Chester’s stomach. “Ches,” he mumbled. “You okay?” He’d been dreaming about having cheesecake for breakfast, but as far as he could tell, it was still too early to wake up. 

Chester turned his head, his lips getting lost in Mike’s dark hair as he kissed him. “I’m right here,” he said softly. “I was up, but I wanted to come back to bed.” The room was still cloaked in black, but Chester shut his eyes anyway. “You don’t have to wake up, it’s still really early.” 

Mike’s eyes cracked open. “You were up? Why?” He really didn’t want to get out of bed just yet, but he wanted to be sure Chester was okay. “Bathroom?” he asked, realizing he was probably overreacting.

Chester flexed his fingers open and closed over Mike’s arm that was across his stomach. “Yeah, had to go to the bathroom, and then I went out and sat on the balcony for a few minutes. Just trying to clear my head and get some fresh air.” He knew that was going to lead to another question, but Mike was asking, so he figured he would answer with the truth. 

“What were you thinking about?” Mike asked sleepily, scooting closer and nuzzling his face to Chester’s shoulder. “I was dreaming about cheesecake.” 

Chester smiled for a second. _I wish I was thinking about cheesecake._ “I was thinking about what we were talking about last night.” He wasn’t sure how much more he should say. They’d gone to sleep with such heavy hearts, and he really didn’t want to repeat that this morning. “I think I was just thinking too much, you know how I get. Stuck in my own head sometimes.” He brushed his nose through Mike’s hair. “Did you save the cheesecake from last night?” 

“Mmm-hmm,” Mike hummed, giving Chester’s shoulder a quick kiss. “You want to share it? Maybe it will make you feel better.” He was starting to come out of the fog of sleep a little bit. “I don’t want to talk about leaving, Ches. It makes my heart hurt. I don’t want to talk about that stuff from last night.” Mike slid his fingers around Chester’s bare skin and enjoyed the warmth and the closeness. He didn’t want to get up, but he’d get up to get the cheesecake. 

“Okay, we won’t talk about it,” Chester agreed, forcing his mind to change gears. “We should order coffee to go with the cheesecake. I didn’t even see it last night, is it a real slice, or one of those puny slices they way overcharge you for?” 

“It’s giant. It has chocolate shavings and whipped cream,” Mike enthused, his eyes popping open a little more. He could barely make out Chester’s profile in the darkness. “Whipped cream is the ketchup of desserts, you know. And coffee sounds good. What time is it?”

Chester twisted his neck to look at the clock. “It’s almost six-thirty,” he answered. “And I don’t think I agree with that. Whipped cream is nowhere near as diverse as ketchup, and whipped cream melts. That makes it less kickass.” 

“Six-thirty?” Mike whined, his enthusiasm immediately waning. “That’s like a work day.” He pouted for a second, burying his face in the pillow. Part of the excitement of staying in a hotel was the ability to block out the sun, something they couldn’t do at the loft. Six-thirty was too early in Mike’s opinion. He turned his face out of the pillow. “Name a good dessert you can’t put whipped cream on. Cheesecake, and cake, and even the churros had little whipped cream flowers on them. And jello. Whipped cream goes on jello. And ice cream sundaes.” 

“I guess those are some good points,” Chester decided, even as he tried really hard to come up with something that didn’t include whipped cream. “Hard candy,” he finally stated with a short giggle. “No one puts whipped cream on hard candy. Peanut brittle. Oh, and fruitcake!”

Mike finally sat up, shaking his head as he felt around to poke Chester in the side. “Fruitcake? Nobody eats fruitcake. Peanut brittle. Yuck.” He rolled away from Chester and flipped on the lamp next to the bed. It was just enough light to see each other by, and he turned back to his lover. “If you tried to give me hard candy for dessert, I would have to do something equally torturous in return. Like hide all the ketchup from you.” 

Chester sat up on his elbows. “Just because you’re hating on fruitcake and peanut brittle and hard candy, that doesn’t mean I don’t technically win the conversation. _No one_ puts whipped cream on those things, and they’re sweets, so they could be desserts. I know what I’m making this year for Christmas: fruitcake!” 

Mike shook his head. “I don’t want fruitcake.” He pretended to glare at Chester. “You won’t make me eat fruitcake, right? You’ll make other desserts? Christmas cookies? Fudge? Oh, Ches, _please_ make fudge!” 

The pleading look on Mike’s face was enough to make Chester smile. “I always make fudge at Christmas. Although I need to make more this year. I don’t even think I had any last year,” he said, wrinkling his nose as he poked Mike on his stomach. “I’ll have to make fudge, and then make an extra _Mike batch_.”

“Oh, with pecans. I love it with pecans.” Mike leaned forward and pecked Chester a quick good morning kiss to the lips. “You spoiled me with all the goodies last year. It’s the best part of Christmas.” Before Chester could grab him, Mike scooted off the bed and headed for the bathroom. “Be right back. Then I’ll order coffee, though I can’t promise I can wait on the coffee to eat that cheesecake.” 

Chester watched him go, and then he sat himself up the rest of the way. It wasn’t exactly what he pictured would happen when he came back to bed, but he was already feeling better. Cheesecake and coffee were easier to think about. _Coffee. I could really use some of that. I wonder what he wants to do today? We should go down to the hot tub. I wish my ankle wasn’t screwed up, we could go see some of the city._

Chester was mid yawn, scratching his fingers over his shaved head and through his short blonde mohawk when Mike reappeared. “You feel like going down to the hot tub later?” Chester asked as he moved the pillows around behind him so he could lean against them comfortably. 

Mike reached for the phone to call room service. “That sounds good. I bet it will feel good on your ankle. I’m going to get right in front of one of the jets and let it get my back really good.” He held up a finger to indicate to wait while he ordered their coffee. When he was finished he came right back to bed, making a show of crawling in next to Chester and climbing back under the blankets. “As early as you got me up, I’ll be needing a nap, too. Just saying.” 

“I won’t object to that,” Chester said as he looked down at Mike’s closed eyes, even with his hair in his face. “And it’s not that early. I was trying to be quiet, if it makes you feel better. I had to push you off of me,” he said with a short snort. “And you slept through that just fine. Never thought getting back in bed would have done it.” 

“I missed you while you were gone,” Mike said simply. “My body knew it even if I was asleep.” He settled in to wait on the coffee, his arm back around Chester’s stomach. “Whatever else you want to do today, we’ll do it. I’m just not sure how much you want to get out on those crutches.”

Chester shrugged. “I don’t know yet,” he said honestly. “But I’m sure between coffee, the hot tub, and a nap, we’ll figure it out.” He put his head back against his pillows and shut his eyes. “It’s so quiet. There’s always noise at Amir’s. I swear sometimes they’re stomping around upstairs just so I know they’re there. I need to move out soon. I can tell they’re kinda ready to be there alone. Now that they’re a couple.” 

Mike lifted his head. “It still blows my mind that they’re together. Amir never seemed interested. I guess he’s just hard to read.” He thought about that for a second. “Where are you thinking about going?” he asked, trying to imagine Chester living alone somewhere other than the loft. 

“I’m not sure yet. If I can make it on my own without a roommate, I’d like that better. Whatever it is, it won’t be like the loft. Or Amir’s. Both are way out of my price range. I’ll probably end up in a studio apartment. Just one giant room. I’ve lived without walls before,” he said with a casual shrug. “I could do it again.” 

Mike bit down on his bottom lip. He hated to think of Chester somewhere alone. _He could have a nicer place if I stayed. If he wanted me to stay. I think he does, but maybe not with him. I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to him when we talk like this._ “Whatever it’s like, you need curtains,” he tried to say lightly. “No more blinding sunrises in the bedroom.” 

“You want to hear something funny?” Chester asked, his fingers running lightly over Mike’s hand. “I actually miss the sunrises. I always bitched about it when I lived there, but I miss them now. It’s kind of crazy what you get used to or attached to. However you want to look at it.” He slid his fingers over Mike’s knuckles, one at a time, tracing the bones before moving onto each one of his fingers. He wanted to ask about where Mike would be living, but Mike had already said he didn’t want to talk about anything like that. “I haven’t lived by myself in a long time. It will be a little strange, but maybe good for me, too.”

Chester’s fingers felt nice, and Mike enjoyed the touch while Chester talked, and Mike thought about the loft. They had spent a lot of mornings together in that loft with the sunrises and Mike’s complaining. “I miss those mornings with you,” he finally said when Chester stopped for a moment. “Even if I complained a lot about the light, I loved waking up next to you.” 

“It’s been good,” Chester agreed, just as someone knocked on the hotel room door. “That should be our coffee,” he announced hopefully as he looked down at Mike. “I’m ready for it.” 

Reluctantly Mike got up and answered the door, pulling down the hem of his t-shirt as he went. As soon as the carafe was in the hotel room, the entire space was filled with the dark roast smell of coffee. He took a deep breath with a smile, setting down the tray and looking it over. There were two upside down white ceramic mugs on a black napkin, a small stainless steel pitcher of cream, and a container with sugar packets. “Want me to make yours so you don’t have to get up?”

“That would be great,” Chester answered. He stayed where he was, watching as Mike poured the cream and flipped a few packets of sugar back and forth before ripping them open all at once and dumping their contents into his cup. “Wow,” Chester said, dramatically. “Just think if that was drugs. I’d be a goner.” 

Mike busted out into a laugh. “What? Drugs?” He shook his head as he stirred the contents of the mug. “You’re such a mess. Don’t even act like you wouldn’t put three packets of sugar in here if you were doing it yourself. Even though I’ll never understand how you drink it that way, I _know_ how you like it.” He walked the steaming cup over to Chester and handed it off before he went back to retrieve his own. 

“Yes, Sexy Boy, you know how I like _a lot_ of things,” Chester said, cocking his eyebrow before he sipped his coffee. “Mmmmm….you know what I want?” he asked, just as Mike made it back to the bed. “Go ahead, try to read my mind.”

It was a good challenge. Mike sat on the side of the bed with his mug and dramatically thought things over. He wanted to be clever and tease his lover, but it was early and he was coming up short. “If I had to guess, I’d say you wish that your ankle was healed so you could attack me on the bed.” He lifted his eyebrows and waited. 

“Well, now that you mention it. Yes,” Chester agreed, licking his tongue over his piercing. “But no, actually, I was thinking a blob of whipped cream and some chocolate shavings from the cheesecake would be awesome in my coffee.” He motioned toward the little refrigerator with his cup. “Not quite as adventurous as your idea, but I can’t fix my ankle. Not yet.”

“Whipped cream and chocolate shavings coming right up,” Mike promised. He got last night’s dessert from the refrigerator and a spoon from the coffee tray, “Sounds like way too much sugar for me, but here you go.” Mike scooped up a bit of the cheesecake garnish and stuck the spoon in Chester’s mug. 

“Thank you. You’re the best,” Chester complimented as Mike crossed back to the other side of the bed, taking the cheesecake with him. “You can have all of that,” he offered with a nod at the dessert. “I think I’ve got enough in my coffee, and besides, I want some eggs and hashbrowns when we get done with this. And toast. Yes,” he decided quickly as he started to picture his soon-to-be breakfast in his mind. “Gotta build up my strength for our nap later, you know.” 

Mike was excited about his breakfast, though eggs and hashbrowns sounded good, too. “We’ll go down to the restaurant for breakfast, okay?” He set his coffee on the small bedside table and stuck the fork that came with last night’s dessert tray into his cheesecake, taking off the point to taste it. “God this is amazing.” He closed his eyes to savor the taste. Chocolate cheesecake in the morning. He really felt like he was on vacation. 

“It’s done wonders for my coffee,” Chester offered as he watched Mike take another bite, which looked extra yummy the way his lover slowly put it in his mouth, and pulled it from the fork with his lips wrapped around the squishy bite. “I want to try,” Chester said, even though he really wasn’t interested in the cheesecake. He leaned a little closer and opened his mouth.

The next bite of cheesecake went right into Chester’s mouth, and Mike couldn’t help but smile. “It’s good, isn’t it?” As soon as Chester’s lips let the fork go, Mike was getting another bite. “Want more?” 

Chester shook his head as he swallowed his bite. “No. It’s good, but I’ll never eat my hashbrowns if I eat much of that.” He took a sip of coffee and shivered. “And I’ve got enough sugar with this already.” He lifted his cup, a smile popping over his lips as he watched Mike take another big bite, and the way his tongue licked away the whipped cream that was caught on his lips. “You’re such a tease,” Chester laughed. “Just going to town on the whipped cream.”

“It’s not a tease,” Mike deadpanned. “I’ll put whipped cream all over you if you want me to.” 

“Does that make me a dessert?” Chester chuckled. “Guess it does, since you can put whipped cream on me.” 

“If that’s the definition of dessert, then yeah. You’re dessert.” Mike lowered his fork. “I love dessert in the morning.” 

“You love dessert for every meal,” Chester said before he crossed his good leg over his hurt one to tap Mike’s leg playfully with his foot. “I know you.” He did it again, his bare toes scrunching and pushing against Mike’s hairy leg. 

Mike didn’t deny it. He hadn’t really been talking about dessert, but Chester hadn’t taken the bait. “You got me,” he said, scooping up the last of the cheesecake before he set the plate aside. “We better get up and get moving, you might starve to death before we get down to the restaurant.” He stood up, got another quick sip of coffee, and rounded the bed to Chester’s suitcase. “Anything in particular, or just whatever?” He pointed to Chester’s neatly folded clothes. 

For the first time in a long while, Chester didn’t really want to get dressed. He shook his head. “Why don’t you go first,” he suggested. “I want to finish my coffee, so I’ll sit and watch you get dressed instead.” He flashed Mike a soft smile. “Then I’ll put on something that color coordinates with you.” 

“That’s a lot of responsibility,” Mike teased, pulling a pair of jeans from his backpack, then considered if he wanted his green and black or red and black flannel. Once the sleeve of the red and black flannel caught his eye, bringing with it all the memories of their bedroom blanket, Mike knew that was the one. “Close your eyes,” he instructed Chester, looking over his shoulder. “I’m gonna go get dressed and surprise you with my choice. Flannel A or Flannel B.” 

Chester was already grinning as he did as he was told. “Okay, I’m closing them. Hurry up, Sexy Boy. The anticipation is real.” He sat in the dark behind his eyelids, already imagining what his lover would come back in. His money was on the red and black flannel he knew Mike loved the most. Already the heavy thoughts from earlier were gone, and Chester was ready to fully enjoy the day. His time with Mike might be limited, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be stuffed with passion and fun and all the food they could eat. 

****

TBC


	37. Go Fish

The early morning flight back to L.A. was uneventful, and Jason picked up a rental from the airport and was on his way to the loft by ten am. In his head, he had it all planned out. He’d go in quietly so he wouldn’t wake Mike up, and slide into bed behind him. He’d wake Mike with kisses and Mike would be happy to see him. Jason hadn’t decided what the confrontation about Chester would look like, or even if he would tell Mike for sure that he knew. If Mike welcomed him back, then there was no need to fight. He’d just tell Mike in no uncertain terms that he had made a decision, and he had to stick to it. If there was one thing Ryan had been right about, it was that Jason Wakefield wasn’t going to be cheated on ever again.

_Ry. He knows me so well. If he hadn’t cared enough to call, I wouldn’t even know. I wonder if Mike would have come to Seattle and never said anything about Chester. I wonder if he would have just picked up where we left off like nothing happened._ Jason decided it didn’t matter. Worrying over the “what ifs” wasn’t going to help. The fact was that he knew Mike was screwing around with Chester, and a large part of him wanted to give Mike the benefit of the doubt. It was hard to walk away from someone you had so much history with, especially someone like Chester. Chester seemed to have a hold on everyone he loved. Mark, Ryan, Mike… they all had a bond with Chester that Jason didn’t understand.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts of Chester that he didn’t notice Mike’s car wasn’t parked in its usual spot. Jason grabbed his overnight bag from the front seat of the rental and started for the foyer and the elevator, anxious to get to Mike. He barely glanced at the familiar hallway as he made his way to the door. His heart was pounding even though he kept telling himself that everything was going to be fine. He was coming home for the weekend, like anyone might do if they were separated from their lover. Mike would be there, asleep, and everything would click into place. 

Jason eased open the front door and was greeted by the bright sunlight filling the loft. With a brief smile he walked inside, thinking about how much Mike hated the sunlight in the mornings. The kitchen was bare, the same as when he left it a week ago. His eyes skipped to the table, where he dropped his bag, and then over to the bed in the corner where he’d been prepared to see Mike balled up in the blankets with his face in the pillow. Surprise rippled through him as he saw that the sheets were smoothed and tucked - the blanket and pillows, as well as Mike, missing. 

_He must be upstairs. It’s probably a little darker up there,_ Jason reasoned, trying not to let the panic set in. He looked around the rest of the downstairs for clues, but most everything was gone, with him in Seattle. Only Mike’s keyboard was there, with a crate of music next to it. He slowly climbed the steps, holding his breath until he got to the landing. The dark blue blanket was spread over the bed, and two pillows were on top at the headboard. _ He’s not here. I didn’t think he wouldn’t be here._

Jason didn’t allow himself to think that Mike was with Chester. There had to be another explanation. Even though he knew Ryan wouldn’t lie to him, he wanted to believe Mike had gone out alone. _Maybe he’s at breakfast. Or out on the beach. Maybe he’s running errands. There’s a million things he could be doing that don’t involve Chester. It doesn’t always have to be about Chester._

He walked over to the bed and sat down, taking his phone from his pocket first. Calling Mike should have felt simple, but it didn’t. It was a call that could change everything, depending on how Mike responded. _If_ he responded. Jason examined his lock screen. It was a picture he’d taken of Mike while they were in Seattle. Even though the sky was gray behind him, Mike’s eyes were shining, his grin wide. _It was a good trip. Everything was fine. There’s no way it’s all gone wrong so quickly. He’ll answer, and he’ll tell me he’s out at breakfast, and I’ll go join him. It will be that simple. I know it._ He unlocked the phone and pulled up Mike’s contact, and pressed the little green circle.

Mike and Chester were sitting on the balcony finishing their coffee when Mike heard his phone from inside the room. With a quick kiss to Chester’s head, he excused himself inside to grab it, knowing it would be Jason before he ever accepted the call. “Hello?” he answered softly, his eyes on the back of Chester’s head. He didn’t want Chester to hear him talking. 

“Hey, Sweetheart.” Jason was surprised at how calm his voice sounded. “Good morning. Did I wake you?” His free hand petted over the top of the blanket on the bed Mike was supposed to be sleeping in.

“No, I’m up.” Mike cleared his throat. “Just thinking about going to get some coffee. It sucks not having a coffee maker right now. I’d rather stay in pajamas than have to get up and go get some.” His eyes shifted from Chester’s head to his abandoned mug outside. 

“Hmmm,” Jason hummed lightly, thinking. “I can’t believe you’re still in bed.” His stomach twisted painfully. Mike had only implied he was still in bed, he hadn’t outright said it. If he lied now, if he told Jason he was laying in bed, it would absolutely mean he was with Chester. 

“You know me,” Mike said, a smile in his tone. “I love sleeping on the weekends. I wish I could sleep later, it’s so bright in here.”

Jason closed his eyes. “Maybe we’ll get some curtains for the bedroom here so you can get more rest.” 

“That sounds nice,” Mike agreed quickly. “The view is incredible, but being able to block out the light would be amazing. That’s the one thing the loft just doesn’t have.” He felt a sense of deja vu as he discussed the curtains with Jason the same way he’d discussed them with Chester hours ago. 

Even though he didn’t want to hear another lie, Jason asked, “what’s in your plans for today? Lounging in bed with coffee?” 

Mike smiled. “Yeah, probably. I’ll go grab some and then I’ll probably chill here the rest of the day. Sleep and practice. Sounds perfect.” He thought about getting in the hot tub with Chester later, about the lunch and dinner they still had ahead of them, and the nap Chester had promised him. “Just a lazy, relaxing day at home.” 

Jason covered his mouth with his hand as he nodded. _He’s lying to me. Flat out lying about where he is and what he’s doing. I can’t believe it._ He didn’t realize he’d yet to respond to Mike.

“Jay?” Mike asked, “you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jason answered quietly. “Just missing you, that’s all.” He tried not to let tears creep into his voice, but he felt the betrayal deeply. “Well, I’ll let you go back to sleep,” he added with a quick sniff. “You can call me back later if you want to.”

“Sure,” Mike agreed easily, putting a note in his mind to call his boyfriend back that night when Chester was showering. “I’ll call you tonight.” 

They shared _I love yous_ and disconnected the call, and Jason sat on the edge of the upstairs bed, forcing the tears not to fall. He’d made a huge mistake with Mike, that much was evident now. He’d be stupid not to realize that Mike wasn’t going to leave L.A. _Why did we ever do this if he was going to go back to Chester? He was never really finished with Chester. It just got all screwed up with all of us. I gave up Ryan for him. Ryan and Chester were supposed to end up together, and me and Mike were supposed to end up together. How did I get it so wrong?_

Jason laid back on the blanket and stared at the ceiling fan, thinking things over. He would wait for Mike to come home. He’d confront him with the lies, and they would talk things through, the way they did before. Back before he and Ryan broke up. Back before Chester left Mike. _We had great talks. Honest conversations. We can have that again. Maybe we’re not too far gone to save it. If I want to save it. If it’s the right thing. Hon, how do I know if we’re worth saving? I wish I could ask you, I wish I had something to guide me. It would be so much easier._

He squeezed his eyes shut as he talked to Mark in his head. _Maybe I should have left Mike alone. I hurt Ryan. After everything we went through, how he stood by my side through everything with you, I hurt him. I wasn’t fair to him. We never really had a chance, not when you and I were married. And not after, either. Not once we moved in here. We never should have moved in here. Ry and I might have made it if we’d ever been able to be alone. Like me and you. Mark, we could have made it if we’d ever been able to be alone._

Even though he’d had days to prepare himself for the reality that Mike was already cheating on him, Jason had a hard time wrapping his head around it. All he kept coming back to was how Ryan had been right. _He said he was calling to apologize for how we left things, but he was calling because he hates Mike. He was calling so I’d know Mike was cheating on me, so I’d know how Ryan feels about him is true. Maybe a little part of him wanted to try to set things right with us, but he did it because he wanted me to see Mike’s true colors. I can’t believe it. I thought he was going to be perfect._

Jason tried not to imagine what Mike was doing right now. Where he and Chester were, what plans they had made. When he’d left the loft a week ago, he’d been happy and excited. In love and ready to start a new life. It seemed surreal it had all fallen apart. _Maybe that’s the real part. Maybe thinking I had it all together was a fantasy. Maybe Mike was just a fantasy._

He reached up to wipe his tears away. The idea that it was over before it had really had a chance to start was crushing. All he knew right now was that he didn’t want to be alone, and the only person who came to mind, who knew him, was Ryan. He pressed a hand over his heart. _He probably won’t even talk to me. Or it will be a thinly veiled ‘I told you so.’ It’s screwed up that I want to talk to him, when he’s the person I left. But there’s nobody else. He’ll answer the phone, right? He has to._

Jason stopped debating with himself and pulled up Ryan’s name. The thought to text first was there, but he wanted to hear his ex’s voice instead. Anything that was comforting. He pressed the call button and waited, hoping Ryan wouldn’t ignore him. 

Ryan was just getting into his car when his phone rang. He squirmed in the driver’s seat, pulling his cell from his pocket as he closed the car door. He was fully expecting it to be Talinda, calling to remind him about something he’d surely forgotten, but he froze when he saw Jason’s name. _He’s calling me. Why?_ He didn’t have time to really debate ideas with himself before he accepted the call. “Hello?” he answered, his keys in his hand as he waited to see what all this was about before he’d go anywhere. 

“Hey, it’s Jason.” He snorted softly. “You know that, though. I, is it okay that I called?” He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling again. “I just needed to talk. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” 

Ryan stared straight ahead, out the front windshield at the apartment building, and the ugly whitewash that tried to look classy, but was an utter failure. “Yeah, I know it’s you, Jay,” Ryan said lightly. “And I have a few minutes if you want to talk. I was just going to the grocery store.” He curled his lips together before asking, “So what’s up?” 

Jason let out a long breath. His throat felt tight again as he tried to force the truth to come out. “You were right,” he finally managed to say. “Mike’s lying to me.” 

Ryan shut his eyes, a sinking feeling falling through his body. He really hadn’t expected anything to come from his previous conversation with Jason. It had been almost a week, and according to Chester, Mike was still talking to Jason every night, just like normal. _Guess that shoe finally dropped._ “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I know how much that sucks.” 

“I know you do. I’m pretty sure I deserve this. Karma, or whatever.” Jason wiped away another tear. “I came home and he wasn’t here. I really didn’t think he’d be gone. I really didn’t think it was true. And now I’m just thinking about what an idiot I am to have ever thought that any of it was real. I hurt you and you deserved better.” Jason stopped. He wasn’t really sure what else to say. “I’m sorry. I know it’s fucked up to call you after what I did.” 

It took a few seconds for Jason’s words to all click in Ryan’s head. “Wait, did you say you came home? You’re in L.A.?” Ryan shook his head as Jason said yes. “They’re on vacation, Jay. They went down to Long Beach for the weekend. They won’t be back till tomorrow night sometime.” He held back saying more, that Mike and Chester had planned their trip a week ago. That it was a romantic weekend that was supposed to be full of cuddling and sex and food. _If Chaz can keep himself together._

Ryan sucked in the air as he decided to leave that out, too. He had no reason to tell Jason that Chester had called him that morning, worrying and freaked out. “I’m not sure where they’re staying, some hotel,” he said as he turned the car on, deciding to go ahead to the store, he could take Jason with him. 

“Vacation,” Jason repeated. He sat up on the bed and looked around. “I guess that makes sense. There’s nothing left here. Everything is in Seattle.” He felt a pinch to his heart at the thought of all the new things he and Mike had bought together, and how Mike didn’t even seem to care anymore. “I thought I’d come here and we’d spend the weekend together. It was supposed to be a surprise. I didn’t know they’d be off together.”

The sadness in Jason’s voice pulled at Ryan’s heart, even though he knew he shouldn’t care. It was Jason’s mess. He’d done it all to himself, and now he was suffering from the choices he’d made. “They’re always going to be off together, Jay,” he said, attempting to keep his tone even. “I’ve tried to talk sense into Chaz, but he won’t listen. He’s stubbornly in love, and I guess it goes both ways.” 

Jason dropped his head and looked at the floor. “I don’t want to think about it. I need a distraction. Something until he comes home and we can talk about it. I know it’s a long shot, but I need to get out of here. You want to grab lunch?” 

Ryan’s eyes widened a little, the offer catching him off guard. He wasn’t really sure how he felt about seeing Jason, or if he really wanted to sit across from him in some restaurant and listen to the woes of having Mike Shinoda cheat on him. “Um,” he stammered. “I’m on my way to the store right now,” he said, glancing at the time. “And it’s a little early for lunch. You can come grocery shopping with me, if you want,” he offered before he could stop himself. He pounded his fist on the steering wheel softly, frustrated that his heart tended to make decisions for him. _I offered. I can’t take that back now. He won’t do it anyway._

“Okay,” Jason agreed. Anything to get out of the loft and to not be alone. He was surprised Ryan was willing to see him at all. “Tell me where to meet you, and I’m there. I’ll bring coffee, if you want some,” he decided, standing and going downstairs to leave. He wasn’t going to stay there all day waiting when Ryan said Mike wouldn’t be home until tomorrow. He tried not to think how messed up it was that Ryan knew where his boyfriend was and he didn’t. 

“I’ll always take coffee,” Ryan told him before rambling off the grocery store he was headed to and then he ended the call. _What am I doing? What am I supposed to say to him? Gosh, Jay, it’s too bad your relationship isn’t working out? I guess it is too bad. He doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. No one does, but especially not him. Not after everything with Mark._ It was a complicated emotion as Ryan shifted through thoughts of how his and Jason’s relationship had blossomed from the confines of YRS, but had crashed and burned the moment they were away from it. _I thought it was because we were so different when we didn’t have YRS tying us together, but maybe it was because he wanted Mike instead. Maybe he wanted him a long time ago._

It was a worthless trail to follow, and Ryan knew it. He shoved the thought away as he pulled into the grocery store parking lot. He headed inside, figuring if Jason decided to show up, he could come find him. He got a cart and pulled the list Talinda had made from his pocket, along with a pen. His shoulders slumped as he eyed the long collection of everything under the sun that she wanted. 

Jason stopped at the shop around the corner from the loft they had all frequented when they lived together. He wasn’t sure what he was doing as he added cream and sugar to Ryan’s cup and stirred it, then stuck a little stopper in the lid he replaced. _I just know I don’t want to be there, and I don’t want to sit and obsess over what Mike’s doing. I can push the cart for Ry or something so I’m not just in the way._ The memory of grocery shopping with Ryan in Seattle came back to him suddenly, and Jason remembered the way they had been so giddy to touch each other freely and kiss whenever they wanted to that night. He knew this time would be nothing like that. They hadn’t even seen each other since they broke up.

When he got to the grocery store, he texted Ryan to find out he was in the produce section. Jason grabbed both coffees and shut the door to the rental with his hip. At least his first time seeing Ryan in over a month wouldn’t be empty handed. He knew how Ryan liked his coffee. 

Bananas were always confusing, and Ryan wasn’t sure if it was really the yellow fruit, or the anxious feeling that had kept him standing in the same spot for so long. The moment Jason had announced he was there, Ryan’s feet hadn’t moved as his eyes flipped constantly from the selection of bananas to the front of the store. _It’s been over a month. I haven’t seen him for over a month._

Ryan looked down at himself quickly, checking over his dark jeans and the light gray muscle shirt he had on. He’d left his leather jacket in the car, but his sunglasses were hanging from his neck, along with his gold necklace. _I look good. I’m sure he’ll look great. He always looks great._ It was only one deep breath later when he spotted Jason, walking towards him, two coffee cups in hand. It was an instant ping to Ryan’s heart. The thought to leave the bananas and go give Jason a hug was there, but he stayed where he was, soaking up Jason’s dark styled hair and the way he always managed to make tan dress pants and plain old dress shirts look sexy. 

Jason’s heart was racing as he walked over to Ryan, his eyes scanning over the body he knew so well. It was a habit he’d had for years, and one that clearly hadn’t gone away. His ex-boyfriend looked fantastic, even if he did look bewildered standing next to the bananas. Their eyes met and Jason hoped he didn’t still look like he’d been crying. With a half smile he held out the coffee with all the cream and sugar, just the way Ryan liked it. “You need some help with those bananas?” he asked, stopping a mere foot away from Ryan’s side. 

“It’s more difficult than it looks,” Ryan answered, before taking the coffee and offering a _thank you_. “Talinda’s overly picky about the fruit. Okay, that’s a lie. She’s overly picky about everything.” He laughed a little before adding, “it’s nice to see you. You, you look good.” 

There was a familiar urge to reach out and touch Ryan, but Jason stopped himself. “You do, too. You look like you’ve gotten some sun.” He let his eyes move over the skin that was revealed by Ryan’s shirt and then he looked back at the bananas. “Maybe get them a little green so they’ll ripen up once they’re home,” he suggested. 

Ryan agreed quickly, and chose a bunch of bananas. He dropped them in the cart and crossed them off his list. “And watermelon,” he read next as he pushed the cart forward and around the banana display. He glanced Jason’s way. “So how is Seattle?” he asked, not knowing what else to say. Anything was better than talking about Mike. “Is it culture shock to be back in L.A.? You know we’re all crazy here.”

Jason snorted. “Everyone in Seattle seems crazy, too. A different kind of crazy. I’ve only been gone a week, you know. It’s not like being back is weird.” He stopped. He wasn’t sure if Ryan knew how long he’d been away or not. “The sun seems a lot brighter here, I can tell you that.” He watched Ryan try to navigate the cart with one hand and stepped forward to help with his free hand. “You get that side, I’ll get this one. Keep you from knocking everything over.” 

Ryan smiled. “Oh, team driving. Look at us.” He dared to glance over and catch Jason’s dark eyes. “And of course the sun is brighter here.” He stopped them at the watermelons, but unlike the bananas, there was no question. He grabbed the first one that looked good, and put it in the cart before taking a sip of his coffee. “I miss this coffee. I haven’t had it since I moved out of the loft.” He lifted his cup for emphasis. “We need sweet potatoes next.” 

Together they maneuvered the cart around, collecting sweet potatoes and discussing coffee. “I’m looking forward to trying out the shops around Seattle. It’s supposed to be the best coffee, you know. I’ve only tried two so far, and they were good. But I think this place is my favorite.” He sipped and watched Ryan choose onions. “So do you actually know how to cook any of this stuff we’re picking out?” 

Ryan looked over his shoulder at Jason, giving him a short smirk. “No,” he answered honestly. “And it might look like a lot, but the amount I’ll actually get on my plate will be nothing.” He rolled his eyes. “I feel like I’m in some horrible camp where they send people to lose weight or something.” He leaned close to Jason after he dropped the onions in the cart. “I have to sneak food into my room,” he said with a chuckle. “All the good stuff with the calories in it.” 

“You better be careful, you might waste away,” Jason teased, his eyes skating over Ryan’s backside as he leaned over the cart. He was already feeling better from the mood he’d been in at the loft. He was grateful Ryan hadn’t turned him down when he needed to get out. “Maybe you need to take me up on the lunch offer after all. Put some meat on those bones.” 

Ryan felt a soft warmth hit his cheeks as he smiled. “Maybe,” he said, coyly, before directing the cart towards the nearby coolers to look for orange juice. “I mean, I have nothing else to do, it’s true, but you’re going to have to let me play hard to get for a few minutes. Or seconds,” he amended. 

Jason quickly hid his smile behind his coffee cup. Ryan Shuck had never played hard to get with him. He clearly remembered Ryan being the one to make the first move when they first started their affair, but he was prepared to indulge him. “Of course,” he said lightly. “So what’s next on the list? More vegetables and tofu?”

“I swear I’ve eaten more tofu since working at Score than I thought humanly possible,” Ryan answered with an eye roll, and his stomach agreed. Tofu would _not_ be on the lunch menu. “It’s a sickness with Forrest and Talinda. I think they’ve fooled themselves into thinking it actually tastes good. Or tastes at all,” he corrected. “It’s like eating dry air or something. See, now I’m ready to go to lunch and get some real food.” 

“You know what you need?” Jason said, watching every move Ryan made. “A big chicken fried steak. With mashed potatoes and all the gravy. And cornbread. I won’t even force you to get a vegetable. You can have double mashed potatoes.” He leaned over the cart to look at the uninspiring contents. “This just looks sad, Ry. You’ve been eating like this for a month? Brad would be so upset.” 

Ryan nodded. They didn’t call Talinda _Talinda the Tyrant_ for nothing. She ran a strict household, including what food came in through the front door. “Chaz is always worrying over me for it too,” he said, before asking, “how is Brad? Do you still talk to him?” 

“He’s happy,” Jason said, his mind pulling up a snapshot of the curly headed chef. “He’s the head chef at the restaurant he works at, and it’s all he ever wanted. Met a girl while he was at a seance and they hit it off. He’s doing great. I don’t think he even misses cooking for us, but I sure miss him.” 

Ryan picked up a bag of plain white rice for the cart. “Wow, Brad dating someone. That seems weird. I’m happy for him,” he quickly stated, “I just never saw him with anyone for all those years I was at YRS. Huh. Good for him.” He shrugged as he held onto the side of the cart, pointing towards the section of beans up ahead. He sipped his coffee as he let Jason push the cart. “I’m glad he’s happy. He’s a good guy.” 

Jason let Ryan add more items to the cart while they talked about mundane, everyday things. He talked a little about his new job, and Ryan told him about the last shoot he’d done at Score. It was a solo shoot, since Chester was out for a while, and Jason let the mention of Chester float right on by without much comment. It was nice not to talk about Mike and Chester for the time they were in the grocery store. It almost felt like they could have been shopping together, the way they once thought they would be doing every week. By the time Ryan had checked everything off his list, the cart was full and the coffee was gone. Jason reached out to take Ryan’s empty cup as they came to the checkout line. “Here, I’ll go throw it away. And then you need to decide if you want that chicken fried steak or not.” He gave Ryan his best convincing eyes before he turned to find a trash can.

Ryan watched Jason walk away for a few seconds before he started to pile his groceries up on the conveyor belt to be checked out. _He’s being so nice. I know he’s just trying to avoid being at the loft, since Mike isn’t there. But maybe that’s okay. Mike’s off with Chaz, I can be off with Jay. We’re talking and having fun, so what’s the harm?_

The moment Jason was back, Ryan had his plan in mind. “Well since you won’t stop bugging me about it, I guess I’ll go get lunch with you,” he said, making sure the sarcasm was clear. “There’s a lot of things I could do this afternoon, but sharing a meal with a handsome guy will have to do.”

“I wouldn’t want to keep you from other, more pressing matters. Like cubing tofu and prepping vegetables,” Jason teased. He was pleased Ryan wanted to have lunch, and happy that they seemed to be getting along. It felt easy, and that was something he’d missed the last few months of their relationship. “Do you need to ask the Tyrant permission or are you just gonna drop these bags and run?”

“Oh I’m dropping and running,” Ryan answered with a laugh, pulling his wallet out to get his debit card so he could pay for the groceries. “And don’t even joke about cubing tofu and prepping vegetables. That’s my life, Jay.” He shivered for a second. “Pathetic as it is.” 

Jason shook his head. “Not pathetic. It just is what it is.” _He’s wrong. My life right now is what’s pathetic. Maybe we both are, a little bit. But there’s someone there when he goes home. Now I don’t even know what I’m going home to anymore._ He shook away the thought of being alone, and the fact that it was his fault. “I’ll follow you back, and we can take my car if you want. I know the perfect place to go.” 

Ryan turned, his hand going to his chest. “Jay, please. You’re a guest in my city now. I’ll take you for a spin in the Lotus. Come on, admit how much you’ve missed it.” 

“Maybe a little,” Jason decided. “Fine, you can drive. This time. Don’t think you’re making it a habit.” He grinned as he followed Ryan out to the car, grocery bags in hand. 

****

Mike looked at his hand of cards and raised an eyebrow before he peered over the top at Chester. He didn’t let his eyes linger for too long on his lover’s chest, on the tattoos and the pale skin. He could smell the clean scent of the hotel soap and shampoo that lingered around Chester the way his peach body wash usually did, and Mike was glad they weren’t playing anything that required too much thought. Chester, in only pajama pants, was far too distracting.

Chester’s eyes flashed up from his cards and caught Mike’s stare, and he felt his cheeks turn pink. “Umm, no sixes, Ches, go fish.” 

With only a soft grumble, Chester leaned toward the middle of the round table, careful not to move his elevated foot too much. “Damn,” he swore as he stared down at the two of clubs, which matched nothing in his hand. “Your turn.” He glanced across the space. Mike’s hair was still a little damp from his shower, and one strand was clinging to his cheek. A short smile crossed Chester’s lips before he cleared his throat. “So, how about we play some music?” he suggested, pointing at Mike’s upside down cell phone that was on the table. 

“You’re trying to break my concentration,” Mike fussed through a smile. “What do you want to hear?” he asked, then amended, “oh, and do you have any twos?” 

“You’re killing me, Sexy Boy,” Chester said as he slung his two of clubs across the table. “And....I don’t know.” He thought for a second as he watched Mike pick up the card to pair it with his others. “Do you still have our Songs To Make Love To playlist on your phone?” he asked. He knew that might be going too far, but he couldn’t help it. So far their day in Long Beach had been nice. They’d flirted in the hot tub, had coffee on the balcony, took a _nap_ that had turned into tickling and eventually sex. They’d had their showers, and three excellent meals, and they’d been playing cards for almost thirty minutes, and Chester was ready for just a little bit more. After the discouraging way the night before had gone, he wanted a happier outcome for tonight.

Mike laid his cards face down on the table. He didn’t know if he should admit he still had everything. Every picture on his phone, their playlists - even the one he didn’t like because it was for _driving fast_ \- and anything else that was related to their relationship. Chester had never commented on the fact that Mike still wore his rose gold bracelet, and Mike had never brought up Chester’s. He figured if one of them was going to say something, he’d let Chester be the one. _Or maybe he hasn’t noticed, with the long sleeves and all._

He picked up his phone and unlocked it, sliding it over to Chester. “Here. Pick out what you want. That playlist is still there. They’re all still there.” 

“Really?” Chester asked as he picked the phone up. He went into Mike’s music account, and his eyes widened. _He’s right. They’re all here...he’s even still got the Sexy Chester Mix on here._ He let out a slow breath as he found the romantic playlist they’d listened to countless times, the love songs serving as a backdrop while they’d partake in each other. He clicked on the first song, and he smiled at the opening piano keys to _The Way You Look Tonight_, sung slow and low by Tony Bennett. “I love this song,” Chester mused, his eyes closing for a moment. 

Mike hadn’t picked his cards back up, and he didn’t want to. He was mesmerized by Chester’s face and the look of happy memories. Ever since they’d come to Long Beach he’d been thinking about their relationship, what they were doing now, and where everything was headed. _He told me not to make promises I can’t keep, but it’s killing me not to tell him what I’m thinking. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go to Seattle. I want to stay here and play cards and eat french fries in bed. I want to kiss him and make love to him and try to somehow make things right between us. I want another chance. I want to tell him I’m not going._

He cleared his throat and Chester’s eyes opened. “This is a good one,” he offered, pointing to the phone. “I’ve got a million shapshots in my head of you, Ches. And every single one brings a smile to my face.” The lyrics made him think of the crinkles in the side of Chester’s eyes when he smiled, when he wrinkled his nose, and Mike smiled softly at him. 

Chester ducked his eyes to his cards. He blankly stared at the three of diamonds and the ten of spades sitting with his group of face cards that didn’t match each other. It was nice to hear Mike say things like that, but he wasn’t sure how to take them. Less than an hour ago, he’d overheard Mike on the phone with Jason, telling him he loved him. “I’m glad,” he finally said as he looked up. “It’s been a relief, Mike, knowing you don’t totally hate me, and I’m not wanting to scratch your eyes out anymore. Do you have any Jacks?” 

Mike felt his smile fade, and not just because he had to hand over two Jacks to Chester. “Why in the world would I hate you, Chester? What made you think that?” He plucked the Jack of diamonds and then the Jack of clubs from his cards and slid them across the table. “Here.” 

Chester took the cards, and arranged them in his hand. “Lots of things,” he admitted quietly. “The way you’d look at me sometimes, and you always thought my Score ads were trashy. It hurt, and you always seemed to be mad at me for something.” 

Mike put his cards back on the table again. “I was an asshole,” he said simply, looking down at his hands. “I was a jealous, insecure asshole. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I wasn’t mad at you Ches, I was scared. Afraid of losing you. And the more I tried to keep that from happening, the worse I made it.” He sighed and listened to the music for a second before he looked up. “It’s not an excuse, but I think my inexperience was showing.” 

“After being together for so long and everything we’ve been through,” Chester said, his voice starting out small but growing as he looked Mike right in the eyes. “Why would you think you’d lose me? We had a life together...we had plans and dreams and everything.”

Mike bit his lip. “It’s an excuse that’s worn thin, Ches. I let my jealousy of Ryan cloud everything. I’ve apologized so many times now it feels like it’s lost its meaning.” He picked up his cards, again, and stared at them. “I don’t know what I was thinking. We were all in the loft together, and it was confusing. I missed you. You were always with Ryan, working, or hanging out. It was stupid, all of it. And before you can say anything else, I know you’ve apologized, too. I accept that, Ches. I accept it and I know I fucked things up. Please don’t apologize again.” 

“I wasn’t going to,” Chester said almost as fast as Mike stopped talking. He looked down at his cards, trying to remember whose turn it was. “I don’t want to fight. I just don’t get you anymore.” He let out a long sigh before asking, “Is it my turn?” 

“It’s your turn,” Mike grumbled. “I want to try to explain things, but I can’t. There’s things you won’t let me say.” He knew he was pushing it, but he wanted to confess everything. _I fucked up. I want you back. I’m not going to Seattle._

Chester glared across the table. That sounded like one more accusation, one more thing Mike was trying to blame him for. “I’m not stopping you from saying anything,” he asserted. “And do you have any Queens?”

“Go fish.” Mike glared back and watched Chester take a card from the pile. “You told me not to make promises, Ches, and I’ve tried to be careful about what I say. I’ve tried to let this whole thing go, but I don’t want to anymore.” He looked back at his cards as Chester tucked his new card into his hand and looked back at Mike. “Fours. Do you have any fours?” 

Yes. Chester had a four, but he didn’t want to give it to Mike. He tightened his grip on his cards. “I don’t want you making promises that don’t matter. You’re leaving, Mike, even if you don’t want to talk about it.” He took a few deep breaths before he handed the four over. “Here.”

“I’m not going, okay?” Mike said suddenly, not reaching for the card. He stood up from the table and stalked over to the window. “I decided the day I went to Amir’s and crawled in bed with you, Ches. I’m not going.” He let out a long breath and looked outside, his eyes pricking with tears already. “You told me not to make promises, and I didn’t want you to think I was just saying it. So I didn’t say anything. It’s the reason I don’t want to talk about any of it. I don’t know what I should say to you. I don’t know what to do about anything!” He raked his hand through his hair and pulled on it. “I’ve fucked everything up, and all I want is to stay here with you, but I _can’t say that!_” 

Chester shook his head as he stared at Mike. “What?” he asked, his brain trying to put together everything Mike had just said with the reality he knew. “What do you mean you’re not going? I, I just heard you talking to Jay.” He pointed at Mike’s cell phone on the table that was still playing their love songs. “You told him you loved him, and that you couldn’t wait to see him.” 

“Yeah, and time’s running out on that,” Mike said desperately. “I don’t know what to do. All of my stuff is in Seattle and I won’t have anywhere to go. Jason is going to hate me and I’ve known I didn’t want to go since he left. Maybe before that. Maybe I never wanted to go! I don’t know what I was thinking. But Jason’s not right.” Mike turned away from the window and fixed his eyes on Chester. “I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to try again. I don’t deserve your forgiveness after what I did. And regardless of whether you want me back, Ches, I’m not going to Seattle. I’ll go back to my parents before I do that.” He was pretty sure he sounded irrational, but he didn’t know how to explain how sure he was that he wasn’t going to go off and be with Jason. It wasn’t going to happen, whether he got a second chance with Chester or not. 

If his ankle wasn’t busted, Chester would have stood up and crossed the room to shake some sense into Mike, or at least try to calm him down with a hug. He could see the sheer panic on Mike’s face, the way his eyes were bugged out and how he couldn’t stop pulling at his hair. “Mike, maybe you should sit back down,” Chester suggested lightly, motioning to the empty seat across from him. “Because you’re not making any fucking sense at all. What do you mean you’re not going? What about school? You just told me last night that your audition is coming up and you’re going to be a full time student.”

“That was the plan,” Mike said, pacing in front of the windows now. “Jason made all the plans. He put it all together and presented it to me and all I had to do was say yes. All I had to do was be his and I could have everything. But it’s not everything, Chester. It’s not you. I had to make a big fucking mistake to realize it, but I don’t want that other stuff. I want you.” He covered his eyes with one hand as he stopped for a second. “That night, the night I came home and you were at Amir’s, and we were apart, I went online and looked at USC. I started trying to figure out if I could swing enough financial aid to do it on my own. I wasn’t lying about that, Ches. I’m going to audition, and I need to do well and get some scholarship money because I don’t think I’ll qualify for enough loans to do it otherwise.” He lowered his hand and looked at Chester. “I’m not going,” he said again, this time a little calmer than before. “It’s not really what I want. I thought it was, and I thought it would be easy, but it’s just not what I want.” 

Silence passed between them as they stared, as they tried to read each other's minds. Chester couldn’t get up, and he hated that. It was hard to stay sitting down, especially with Mike up pacing and being frantic. He wrung his hands together instead as he tried to process what he was hearing. He’d been trying to cope with the loss of Mike and their relationship ever since that moment in the closet back at Amir’s, the night Mike had no interest in repairing anything between them. That was the night grief really started. It had been another hit when he’d found out about Jason, and then another when he was told that Mike was moving to Seattle. For the last few weeks Chester had been trying to accept that he’d likely never see Mike again after he moved. It had been its own kind of pain, and now all the sudden Mike wasn’t going. 

“So you’re telling me that you’re not in love with Jason? All this,” Chester said, motioning between them, “you put us through all this and you’re not even in love with him?” Chester shut his eyes. Mike leaving him because he’d fallen in love with someone else had been a hard reality to swallow. Mike leaving him for the opportunity to go to school, Chester had been working on accepting that, too. But now none of it made sense. “But you tell him you love him. I hear you say it every single night,” he argued softly as he opened his eyes and looked across the space at his lover. 

Mike held Chester’s gaze even though he wanted to hide from it. “I know. I know! I know I say it, and I hate myself every time I say it, or I hear him say it. It’s not the same. It feels wrong. And for a while I thought that I was feeling love.” He took a step toward Chester at the table, but stopped. “I told you before, I let him inside my head. I never should have done that. It’s like he knew what I wanted, Ches, and he said all the right things. When I was worrying about you and Ryan, he made it seem like the two of you would be better together. That _he and I_ would be better together. He had plans, and he convinced us both, I think. I was upset and I should have talked things out with you but you felt so far away from me. You were dealing with your own stuff, and Ryan never took out his frustrations on you. He never made you feel bad. And I thought, Jay’s right. Ches will be happier with him. I started to see Jason and I making a go at things.” 

He finally dropped their eye contact. “Ever since that night Mark made us… since Jason… ever since what happened between us at YRS, I knew I was attracted to him. I know you said a good blow job is a good blow job, but I couldn’t understand it. And there was Jay always in the loft, walking around in a towel, touching my back, paying attention to me, making me feel things… it was confusing.” Mike dropped down and sat on the floor, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. “I thought it made sense. Everyone would be happy, especially you. I had myself so convinced you’d rather be with Ryan. That night, the night we cheated, we were drinking wine, and somehow everything Jay said made sense. I told him we should wait, we should talk to you both, but we’d been kissing by then. Everything was all mixed up and open and I guess it felt like it was love. It was stupid, Ches. So fucking stupid.”

He dropped his head into his knees, trying to hide the tears that were about to fall. “I screwed everything up. I’ve said that so many times. I should have done a lot of things differently. But deciding that I’d ruined what we had, that there was no way back from what I did and thinking that Jason’s way was a solution was wrong. Thinking that he was right when he told me he could give me the life I wanted, that was wrong. Maybe it’s the life I thought I wanted, or a life that I thought my parents would approve of, I don’t know. But it’s not life with you. So it’s all wrong. Everything is wrong. And I’m not going to Seattle.” The last part sounded like a petulant child, but Mike was sure of one thing. Going to Seattle would make things worse than they were, even if a part of him loved Jason. It was such a small part in comparison to the part that loved Chester. 

Watching Mike sink to the floor and hold himself was more than Chester could take. He’d listened to Mike try to explain how things had gone a handful of times by now, but this time was different. This time he heard something different in Mike’s rambles. 

Chester carefully moved his hurt foot from its perch, and in an even slower motion, he managed to ease himself down onto the floor. He kept his ankle up, and scooted on his butt over to where Mike was sitting, his back against the bottom of the bed. “Hey,” Chester whispered as soon as he got close, and maneuvered around to sit side by side with Mike. He reached over, and put a hand gently on Mike’s arm. “I’m sorry,” he said, nuzzling his nose next to Mike’s ear, his eyes closed. “I was going through stuff, too, and I was keeping you an arm's length away. God, Mike, I’m sorry.”

Chester pressed a kiss to Mike’s ear, and then to the top part of his neck. “I hate that I made you feel like you were alone. I didn’t mean to.” He let out a long breath, pulling back a little. “My insides were so messed up, and we kept fighting and it scared me. After everything that happened, with the collar and the h-handcuffs, it worried me how things would be.” He knew that wasn’t making sense, and before Mike could say anything, he said, “When we used the handcuffs at YRS and you got rough with me, you said it was because we hadn’t had sex in a week.” Chester stopped, his eyes closing as he clung to Mike’s arm still. “When the meds started to even out and I was getting to where I could do stuff again, it had been a month. I didn’t know how things were going to be with us when we could finally be together again, and, I think towards the end it was more me than the meds stopping it from happening. I’m sorry,” he repeated with a sniff. “By the time I figured all that out and knew I needed to go to you and we could be together…it was too late. That was the night you didn’t want to.” 

Mike squeezed his eyes closed. “I wanted to, Ches. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn’t. Not after what I’d done. I hated myself. You thought I hated you, but I hated myself. It’s not me, Chester. I never wanted to hurt you. I knew you were scared and that I’d lost control before, I knew that. I wanted to lay you down and kiss every inch of your body and worship you that night, but I’d betrayed you. Betrayed us. I gave it up for Jason and I knew it was wrong but I didn’t know what to do. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling you no. I’d already made one mistake, and the second was saying no when I wanted to tell the truth.” He felt his body sag into Chester’s limply as he tried to make sense. “I thought I should tell you the truth, and you’d help me fix it. Then you shaved your head,” he whimpered, the thought of coming home and Chester’s golden curls being gone hitting him, “and I wanted to make things better. I wanted you to know that I love you. I should have told the truth then, and I didn’t. It all got away from me so fast. One lie after another, and I hated myself!” 

Chester slid his hand from Mike’s arm to up around his face, caressing his beard. “Don’t hate yourself,” he begged softly. “I don’t hate you. I hate how it worked out, but I don’t hate you.” He shut his eyes, allowing Mike to stay where he was, collapsed against his side. He feathered his fingers through his lover’s beard, and back and forth over his jawline and onto his neck as they sat quietly for a few minutes. _All he’s ever known is me when it comes to this stuff, and I left him. I kept him away. He’s right. We were together but apart the last few months._

“I’m not going,” Mike said firmly, letting Chester pet over his face and neck. “I’ll understand, Ches, if you tell me this is over here, if you don’t want to try again. But no matter what, I’m not going. I was going to go get my things from Seattle, and tell Jay to his face. I don’t want to do it over the phone. He’s already done so much. I feel like I should tell him in person.” 

Chester stared across the room, at the table they’d both abandoned, where the romantic songs were still playing from Mike’s phone. He knew how easy it would be for them to simply get back together. _It’s felt like we’ve been together all week._ But an uneasy feeling followed that thought, a sudden twist in Chester’s stomach. “I’ve never stopped loving you,” he told Mike. “But we weren’t healthy the way we were. Not for me and not for you.”

“I know,” Mike whispered. “I’m sorry.” The apology stopped there. It had been said so many times now, and he had to think at this point that it sounded trite. Automatic. “I never stopped loving you, either. I even told Jay that, Ches. I told him I still loved you.” He took Chester’s hand from where it was stroking his hair and held it gently. “I want the chance to make us better. I want to give you what you need to be happy with me again.” 

Chester nodded as he started to think back over everything that had gone into their breakup, not just the cheating, but the means that had brought Mike to that point, and where Chester had gone from loving their bedroom activities, to having anxiety over it. “We didn’t talk about stuff enough,” he said, looking over and catching Mike’s dark, bloodshot eyes. “Aw, Sexy Boy,” he cooed on instinct. “I hate to see you cry.” He leaned over and kissed Mike’s flushed cheek. “I don’t want to make you cry, okay? We can just talk about things that need to be different.”

Mike nodded. He was ready to really listen to what Chester had to say. If he was going to get the chance to fix things, there wasn’t going to be a single missed opportunity. “Like what?” he asked, watching Chester’s face carefully. “I know, I know about stuff in the bedroom. I know I made a mess of all that. I promise you, I won’t hurt you again. I’ll never do it again, I swear.” 

Chester’s eyes ducked for a second, his hand going to his throat. “Nothing around my neck, Mike. Not ever again,” he said before looking up. “No hands...no restraints.” 

“I know,” Mike said again. He closed his eyes in shame. _That was the turning point. That’s when he stopped trusting me. We should have talked about it then._ “It got out of control. I was wrong to not be certain I had your consent.” 

It was a hard thing to talk about, but Chester had said what he wanted, and that was enough. He didn’t want to harp on it too much, he already knew how badly Mike felt. “Like you said before, you’ve been telling a lot of lies. I can’t deal with that, Mike. We gotta tell each other the truth, no matter what. And I mean that for me, too,” he made sure to say, pressing his hand to his naked chest. “If I’m not feeling right or something’s bothering me, I’ve gotta be open about it and talk to you, and you can’t lie anymore.”

It was the first time since Mike was a child that he’d been called a liar - even if Chester hadn’t outright said that. The idea that his lover thought of him as someone who would lie again easily was almost more shameful than his lack of control in the bedroom. He felt his chin drop and he looked down at the top of his knees. “It all snowballed. One lie turned into many. I don’t want to be dishonest, that’s not how I want anyone to think of me. Especially not you.” The _I’m sorry_ stuck in his throat and he didn’t say it. “I won’t lie to you again. No matter what it’s about. You’re right about us needing to communicate better, even when it’s hard.” 

Chester nodded. “We kinda suck at it,” he said with a defeated sigh. “That’s one thing I’ve learned in therapy - communication is important. If you ever feel like I’m far away or not letting you near me again, you have to tell me.” He leaned forward. Mike still had his face pointed at his knees, and Chester tickled the side of his arm with one finger. “Okay?”

Mike turned to look at Chester. “I will,” he agreed with a small smile. “We have to hold each other accountable.” He reached over and trapped Chester’s hand, squeezing his fingers. “What else?” 

Chester pulled his piercing into his mouth for a second, sucking on it. He knew there were at least two more big things, the one harder than the other. _Easy one first._ “I know you don’t like me working at Score,” he said, his insides already starting to feel a little sad over what he was about to say. “I get why you don’t like it, sort of, but even if I don’t understand, I can’t keep working there if you’re going to be upset with me about it.” He waited a second, debating with himself how to word what he wanted to say. “I’ll find something else,” he offered quietly. “If you want me to, I’ll quit.”

“No.” Mike shook his head and for the first time since he’d sat on the floor, sat up to look at Chester better. “You should never have to give up something you love for another person. Especially when, when there’s nothing wrong with it.” Mike took a deep breath. “You’re good at it, Ches, and you aren’t doing anything wrong. I know I made you feel that way, and you know why. Misplaced jealousy. I know that I was overreacting now. It’s a lot clearer to me now than it was. It’s not like how things were at YRS between you and Ryan.” 

He paused and wished he was better at explaining why he was so jealous of Ryan. “I know he’s your friend. I know that he’s not going to go away. I have no right to blame you or fixate on your past, like you can change that. I had a much, much narrower view of sex when we started dating, Ches. I was convinced that you had to have feelings for Ryan, I couldn’t see it any other way. But I get it now. And with everything you’ve said lately, about the boundaries and everything… I have to be able to trust you if this will ever work. I don’t want you to quit. I’d never ask you to do that.” 

“I want you to be sure, Mike, because I’m not going to offer again,” Chester heard himself say, and his boldness almost surprised him. “I asked you before I took the job, and I’m asking you again now...but this is it. I can’t handle you looking at me like I’m a whore.” He looked away from Mike’s big brown eyes, and out the windows instead. “Forrest has been so good to work for. He’s nothing like Mark. It’s nothing like YRS.”

Mike felt himself physically recoil from the word _whore_. “That’s how I made you feel?” he asked, his voice small. “I heard you say that, the night you walked out and left me, but I thought you were just angry and hurt. I really made you feel like that?” He was staring at Chester’s profile and wondering why his ex was even entertaining the thought of giving him another chance. _Mark said it. He said the bruises were abuse. That I was abusing him. And he was right. Physically and emotionally. I made him feel like he wasn’t good enough._ The thought was completely new to Mike, and he felt his stomach roll with nausea. 

Chester nodded slowly. “I don’t remember when it started, but somewhere along the line you started looking at me differently. Every time one of our ads came out, you, you would say things about it and look down at me. I know it’s not always your taste in fashion.” He stopped, his face scrunching at his use of the word _fashion_ in reference to Mike’s style of choice - flannels and jeans. “Anyway,” he said, dismissing the stray thought, “I just can’t handle that. I’d rather quit than keep going like that. I didn’t even want you to see the ads after awhile.” 

“How do you not hate me?” Mike wondered out loud. “I don’t want you to quit. It never had anything to do with you, and everything to do with how I felt about Ryan. I know you’re good at it. I don’t want to take that away, and give you something else to resent me for later down the line. I’ll support you, babe, and if I mess up I want you to call me out. On that, or any of it. All the things we’ve talked about,” he said, waving his hand through the air. 

For the first time since he’d scooted over to sit with Mike, Chester smiled. “I will. I’ll call your ass out,” he said, nudging Mike’s side. “And I don’t think I could ever hate you. I tried. I really, really did, but my heart just wouldn’t let me.” Chester reached over, his hand falling to Mike’s knee. “And Ryan,” he said, knowing this was going to be the hardest subject. Mike had already touched on it, but his friendship with Ryan was always the point that was brought up whenever anything was wrong, and Chester knew they had to talk that out, too. “He’s my friend, Mike. I love him. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t, I do. But I don’t love him like I love you. I never have. I know we got too close, but that’s over. I promise,” he said, making sure to look Mike in the eyes. “And if you ever feel like I’m ignoring you to spend time with him, you gotta talk to me about it, not just get mad. We’re going to have to find a balance, because I like doing things with him, too. He’s important to me.”

Mike let all of that sink in. It was information he already knew. Ryan wasn’t going anywhere, and if things were going to work between him and Chester, Ryan would be part of that picture. “You have to keep the line, Ches,” Mike said. It was the first thing he’d asked for as they talked, but it was so important. “There has to be a boundary that you can’t cross if we’re together. I know you don’t want to see it, but I’ve always seen it. He loves you.”

Chester rubbed Mike’s knee while he thought. He knew Mike was right. “I know,” he whispered. “I didn’t know before, but I know now. When I told him no to being boyfriends, I, I saw it. I know I can’t cross any lines with him, not anymore. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to him. I used to just think of it as comfort, as how we were together, but it was more and I’m going to keep that where it belongs. I’m sorry,” he added, looking from his hand on Mike’s knee to his face. “I’m sure we gave you more than one reason to feel insecure.” 

After all this time, it was a relief to hear Chester admit there was more than friendship between him and Ryan. He sighed. “It was so hard at the loft, seeing you two together. I’m glad he’s not with you at Amir’s. I couldn’t handle that.” There was one other Ryan related thing that popped into Mike’s mind, and he reached over and placed his hand on Chester’s leg. “How is that all going to work, Ches? If you and Ryan are friends, and we’re together. I’m sure he hates me even more after everything with Jason… will he even tolerate being in the same room with me? Will I have to see him? Or will he sort of be like, just your friend?” It was a strange idea to think that Ryan and Chester would be friends and he wouldn’t even see the other man, after living with him for so many months. 

“Well, I guess you won’t have to see him.” Chester shrugged as he separated the two relationships in his mind. “You and I aren't living together, so nights I go out with him will be one thing and nights that we go out, he won’t be there.” 

Mike nodded slowly. He _knew_ that he and Chester wouldn’t be living together, but hearing it aloud still felt shocking. In that moment, he knew he really had nowhere to go once he left Jason, but he was going to have to worry about that later. “Okay. We’ll make it work.” He looked at Chester’s hand on his knee and lifted his own hand, his finger going out to the delicate bracelet around his wrist. “I want to make it work. I’m going to do things right this time.” 

Chester smiled as his hand came off of Mike’s knee to touch the bracelet around Mike’s wrist. “I want us to try again. I’ve missed you so much. Not just you, but _us_,” he emphasized. “There’s going to be a lot we gotta figure out. It’s going to be a little like starting over.” He pulled his piercing into his mouth for a second, sucking on it as he thought about what he wanted to say next. “I’m doing really well on my meds now,” he said. “My insides, most days, feel okay and everything works.” He motioned behind his head at the bed. “But that’s not always going to be the case. If they ever need to change or I just have a day where things are off, I might not always be able to have sex. I know it was really hard for that month we couldn’t do anything, and hopefully that will never happen again...but it might.” Chester sat forward, his hands in his lap. “Are you going to be able to handle that?” he asked, not looking over. He could already feel the tightness in his chest. Mike adimtting that their lack of a sexlife for a spell had been a big contributing factor in things going like they did, had Chester nervous. _I’m not always going to be able to control how my body reacts. If he can’t understand that and accept it, then it’s not going to work. I can’t take him cheating again._

“We’re both going to communicate better, Ches,” Mike said, trying to choose his words carefully. “I know I didn’t cope with the decline in our sex life very well, but I want you to know, it wasn’t like I was actively looking. I wasn’t just thinking about sex with him. I wasn’t thinking very clearly at all. So much of what happened between me and Jay was this… this perfect storm of things coming together. How I felt about you and Ryan, and the friendship that had formed between me and Jay, and the distance between the two of us… I told you, I let him in my head. And yeah, he was paying me attention, and yeah, it went straight to my dick.” He dropped his head again. “It’s complicated to understand. I did a lot of things wrong. I didn’t protect my heart. I let my guard down when I was feeling hurt and jealous instead of letting you keep it safe.” He reached up to wipe away the fresh tears that were falling as he thought about all the ways he’d let Chester down. “I’m not going to do that again. I’m not going to let anyone else in, ever. My heart is for you, Ches, whether we’re having sex or not.” 

Chester hadn’t looked up from where he was staring at his lap. Mike had made a similar promise once before and had broken it. _Maybe he means it this time. He sounds like he does, but he did then, too. I’m such a sucker. Why do I love him so much?_ It was a question he’d tossed around more than once, usually after talking with Ryan, when Mike’s bad points would be listed. _But he came back to me after everything, I didn’t go to him. Maybe that means something. I just want us to be okay and not have to worry about any of this._

Chester let out a long breath before he wiped at the corner of his eye and looked over. Mike’s head was down, his face the saddest thing Chester had ever seen. “We all fucked up, Mike, not just you,” he said, as he reached over and took his hand. “Let’s just try not to hurt each other anymore, okay? I want us to have a happy life together, even if we have to struggle with money or figuring out where we’re going to live or how we’re going to get you through school...I want us to do those things together. As a team.” He squeezed Mike’s hand. “It used to be me and you against the world. I’m ready to go back to that.” 

“Let’s go back to that,” Mike agreed, looking up and reaching to touch Chester’s face softly. Chester’s eyes lifted to his, and Mike could see the hope and the promise in them. “I love you,” he whispered, leaning close and feathering his lips over Chester’s cheek before he whispered, “I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.” 

****  
TBC


	38. **** Seattle

Jason glanced at his watch again. The boarding time for his flight back to Seattle had come and gone, and Mike still hadn’t come home. He pushed himself up off the couch and shuffled into the kitchen, his shoulders drooping. Any shred of hope he’d held onto that Mike would come back to Seattle with him was gone. His boyfriend had been gone all weekend, and had lied to him on the phone each of the last two days.

_More like the last week. One week. I’ve been gone eight days, and we’re over._

He gripped the edge of the counter and shut his eyes. Jason didn’t want his fledgling relationship to be over, not yet. Not when they hadn’t really had a chance. Regret struck him as soon as he had that thought, though, and Ryan’s blue eyes came with it. He knew he hadn’t given Ryan a fair shot, either, but it was too late for that now. Just like it was too late with Mike. 

He’d kept himself somewhat occupied with work, doing on his laptop what he could while he waited. The whole weekend had been waiting. Waiting for Mike to call. Waiting for Mike to come home. He’d thought about all the things he could say, things he probably _would_ say, and knew it would come down to what happened in the moment. What Mike said, if he tried to defend himself, or if he was contrite. Jason didn’t know what he would say if Mike tried to apologize. It would all be easier if he didn’t. 

With a sigh he opened his eyes and looked around the bare kitchen. It had become obvious that it wasn’t just this weekend Mike was spending with Chester. Jason could tell that at some point in the week, Mike had been home to shower and change - even to sleep - but that was all. _I don’t blame him. We moved everything with me and he’s got nothing here. But I really thought it would be fine for two weeks. With him working and practicing, he didn’t need much. Maybe that was the first mistake. Leaving him here alone._ As he’d thought things through the past twenty-four hours, it felt more and more like the bigger mistake was Mike. 

Jason shook his head as he pulled the bag he’d left on the counter toward him. After his solo dinner out, he’d gone and bought a bottle of red wine he knew Mike liked, and two cheap wine glasses. It was late enough he was inclined to open it now, and if Mike never came back, Jason wouldn’t care by the bottom of the bottle. _I could just leave, instead of waiting for him. He wouldn’t have to know I was here. I could go back to Seattle, call him tomorrow and tell him not to come. I wouldn’t even have to tell him why, or look at him. Just tell him to find somewhere else to go, to get out of this loft. This cursed loft. It’s been nothing but a reminder of things I thought I’d have since I’ve had it. Since Mark took it away from me and gave it to Chaz._

The ball of resentment that had been building all weekend grew tighter, heavier, as Jason stubbornly opened the wine. He decided he didn’t want to lose the opportunity to see Mike’s face when he told him to get out. After everything that had happened, Jason wanted to watch as he took away everything Mike was counting on having once he’d committed to Jason. In his head he scoffed at the thought of commitment. It was clear Mike had never committed to the idea of them being together, not when he was holed up in a swanky hotel somewhere with Chester, making love and repairing their relationship. Jason wanted Mike to hurt a little. He wanted to tell Mike Shinoda that he’d made a mistake, choosing Chaz over him. Everything they could have been would never happen, because Jason wasn’t going to sit around and be played for a second time. _I learned that lesson well, hon. I’m not going to be the kind of man who lets anyone walk all over me. I’m not going to live that life again, trapped with someone who doesn’t value me. Fuck Mike if he’s changed his mind. We could have been perfect._

Jason took the bottle to the table and set it down in front of the chair that faced into the apartment, his back to the windows. He’d opened them earlier to listen to the ocean, to lose himself in daydreams of what it would have been like to come here with Mark to hold on to that spark they had when they were first married. He’d imagined what it would have been like for this loft to be his secret hideaway with Ryan once their affair started. His thoughts had turned from opportunities lost to thoughts of Ryan, sweaty and panting his name in adoration, locked away in far rooms at the YRS house Jason was a prisoner in, and for a while in the afternoon, Jason had wanted to call Ryan and ask him to come over. It would have been sex for the sake of nostalgia, and something Jason didn’t think he could do after he’d broken Ryan’s heart. _For Mike. I broke his heart for Mike, and so Ry could be with Chaz, and look at us. Chaz never wanted him, and Mike never wanted me. It’s all been one lie after another. All fucked up and twisted because of this place._

The thoughts kept tumbling around as he slowly sipped his first glass of wine. He was pouring a second when Mike finally came home.

He steadied himself in the chair, gripping the cheap wine glass so tight it could shatter, as he heard the front door open. Jason’s breath caught at the sight of Mike, his hair messy and a relaxed smile on his face, his backpack over both shoulders and his cell phone in his hand. The open flannel shirt covered a t-shirt that Jason didn’t think looked like it belonged on Mike, but on someone smaller. Slimmer. His eyes narrowed as the thought flashed that Mike was wearing Chester’s shirt. He looked undeniably happy, but that look only lasted until Jason saw his eyes hit the suitcase next to the bar. 

Mike felt his mouth drop open at the sight of Jason sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of wine in front of him and a glass in his hand. It was the last thing he was expecting to see when he walked into the loft late Sunday evening, ready to shower and practice before he called Jason like a good boyfriend and then went to sleep. “Jay?” he croaked, his voice cracking a bit, “what are you doing here?” He slid the backpack off and set it on the table, feeling the weight of the evidence inside. Pajamas, toiletries, a change of clothes… there was even a hotel card key in the front pocket. It was obvious Mike had been away all weekend.

Jason studied Mike’s face for a moment, taking in the shock in his wide brown eyes. “I missed you,” Jason said simply, trying to infuse his voice with warmth that he wasn’t feeling. “I knew you’d had a rough week, _sweetheart_, and I wanted to see you.” He tipped his glass toward Mike. “Would you like a glass?” he asked politely, his hand reaching out for the empty glass he’d left next to the bottle.

Mike pulled the edges of his flannel closer together and wrapped his arms around himself. “No, I don’t think so,” he said, watching Jason carefully. All of the euphoria he’d been feeling on the drive home from dropping Chester off at Amir’s was gone, drained out of his body like someone had pulled a plug. The weekend had been full of hard but necessary conversations, and when Mike walked down the hallway to the loft, he thought he was ready for everything that was coming. He thought he was ready to go to Seattle and tell Jason he’d made a mistake. He thought he still had a week to figure out where he was going to go, but now Jason was in L.A., and the clock was ticking. 

He thought about pulling out the chair next to Jason and sitting down, but decided to keep the distance between them. “Have you had dinner?” he asked, looking toward the kitchen. All he could see was a flat grocery bag, and he assumed that was where the wine and the glasses had come from.

Jason looked up. He didn’t allow himself to think about how beautiful Mike looked with his hair falling in his eyes. “I did. And lunch, breakfast, and dinner last night.” He watched his words sink in and Mike take a small step back.

“Oh.” Mike dropped his eyes to the table. Wine suddenly didn’t seem like such a bad idea, but he wasn’t going to ask for it now. He pulled out the chair across from Jason instead and sat down. “So you got here yesterday.”

“I did.” Jason picked up his glass and took a sip. His heart was racing, but on the outside he was calm. He wasn’t going to say more than he absolutely had to. The truth was going to come from Mike, and in his own time. He saw Mike’s eyes flick to the wine bottle, but Jason didn’t offer it again.

“Then you know I wasn’t here last night,” Mike said softly, his eyes still on the table between them. “You know that I lied when I called you.”

“I do.” 

Jason’s voice sounded eerily calm to Mike’s ears. It was strange that he didn’t seem upset. _He knows I wasn’t here, but he must not know where I was, or this would be going a lot differently._ Mike dared to look up, and he caught Jason’s cool gaze. “When are you going back? Don’t you have to work tomorrow?” He caught his bottom lip in his teeth and started to pull on it nervously.

“I missed my flight while I sat here, waiting for you, sweetheart.” Jason looked up toward the bedroom. “It was a weird feeling to be laying on the bed upstairs, talking to you while you pretended to be here.” He looked back at Mike and watched his cheeks color in shame. “I’ve made some conclusions about where you were, Mike, but I’d like to hear it from you. I think you owe me that much.” 

Mike hesitated. He’d pictured this conversation going so differently. “I was in Long Beach,” he admitted, his hand going to the back of his neck to rub at his hair. “With Chester.” Mike let out a rushed breath. “I should have told you-”

“With Chester. All weekend, Mike. I’m not an idiot. When were you going to tell me?” 

There it was, that edge of anger on Jason’s words as he interrupted Mike’s explanation, and Mike sat back in his chair a little. He knew it would be foolish to try to downplay what was going on between him and Chester. Mike wanted the courage to just come out with it. To tell Jason how wrong he had been about everything, that he had always been in love with Chester and never should have allowed himself to be taken by Jason’s words and offerings. He didn’t have the first idea how to start, not with the power in Jason’s hands. 

“You don’t have to check your words, Mike. There’s only one thing you’d be lying to me about when it comes to Chester. I just want you to admit it. Admit you’ve been fucking him all weekend.” Jason felt his nostrils flare a little as he spit out what they both knew was the truth. 

Mike closed his eyes and covered his face with one hand. “You don’t have to be so ugly about it, Jay.” He hated hearing what he knew was more called _fucking_ when it came to Chester. 

Jason couldn’t hold back the sarcastic laugh as he looked at Mike trying to hide across the table. “Don’t try to tell me how to react,” he said. “Don’t try to tell me how I feel about this right now, or go off on some long explanation about how you’ve always loved Chester and you and I were just a mistake. You’re already a liar, you know. You don’t need to lie about you and me. You wanted everything I was offering you, and you threw Chaz away with both hands to get it. Tell me something, is the sex that good that you can’t leave him alone?” 

“That’s not fair,” Mike objected immediately. “What do you want me to say? Do you want to talk about sex and the difference between us, and me and Ches? You don’t want to hear that, and I don’t want to talk about it. Isn’t it enough to just say that we were wrong? Isn’t it enough to admit that we made some selfish decisions and now there are consequences to deal with? You and I used to be able to talk like that, Jason. That was one of the things that made me fall for you. When things got hard with Ches, you were there, and it was easy. That doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean we’re right for each other, no matter how much you keep telling yourself that we are.”

Mike reached for the wine bottle, and Jason didn’t stop him. He poured half a glass and sat, looking down into it while neither of them said anything. “Things got hard, and you gave me an easy path. I love you, Jay, or I’d have never broken Chester’s heart for you. But it’s not the love that Ches and I have. As much as it sucks to say it, and to have you hear it, it’s just not. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex.”

“Right. The fact that you weren’t having sex had nothing to do with you wanting me,” Jason tossed back. “You weren’t hard to convince,” Jason added hatefully, though he remembered all the resistance Mike had put up the night they’d finally ended up in bed together.

“I’m responsible for some bad decision making,” Mike admitted. “I knew better than to sleep with you when I was with Chester and I did it anyway. I wanted you, and I was hurt and things with Ches were a mess. But that’s not an excuse for cheating. That’s what we did, Jay, we cheated, no matter what spin you or I have tried to put on it.” He looked up from his glass. “If you’d asked me that morning in the YRS kitchen, before I signed on, if I’d ever cheat on my boyfriend I would have been able to look you right in the eyes and say never. That’s who I was. That’s who I’d always been. Somewhere I lost my way in everything, and I said yes to you that night. It was a mistake, Jason. All of this is. After it happened, I wanted very much for it not to be, so I could feel better about myself. I wanted you and me to work so I could justify what I’d done, to Chester, but also to myself. But what’s this based off of, anyway? You and me? Have you stopped to think about why you want me, Jay? We’ve been together for a month, and you were with Ryan for three years? Why me, and not him? It doesn’t make any sense.”

It was Jason’s turn to cover his face with his hand while images of Ryan flashed through his mind. “I told you, Mike. You fit. You fit inside that place in my life where everything is the way I think it’s supposed to be. I still believe that we could be perfect.”

“Sure, if perfect is what we’re looking for. But don’t you want more than that, Jay? Don’t you want love that you feel in your bones?” Mike took a sip of the wine, and even though the conversation was heavy, he took a second to appreciate that Jason had chosen a particular favorite of his. “Whose idea of perfect are you going for, anyway?”

_Mark’s. It’s his idea of what’s perfect. The orderly life, everything in place as it should be. The outward appearance of respectability. That’s all Mark._ Jason felt the realization come over him and he stared at Mike. “I’ve always said you were different, Mike. From the moment I met you, there was something about you that I admired. You fought so hard against everything at YRS tainting you, and when we all came out of there damaged, you were still mostly you. I don’t know where it got all fucked around, but somewhere in all of this, I really believed you loved me. I really believed what I was telling you, Mike. We could have had it all, you know that? You’re giving up that life for Chaz? What can he give you that I can’t?” Jason wasn’t sure why he was trying to sway Mike. His boyfriend was sitting across the table, telling him that what they had wasn’t real, that it was a mistake. Why try to hold on to a relationship like that? He could feel the orderliness of his world crumbling around the edges and some part of his brain registered the desperation he was feeling to cling to something that felt normal.

Mike shook his head. “It’s not about what he can give me. It’s about what we can be together.” He knew being with Chester wouldn’t be easy. They would struggle with money, with him being in school, with the ups and downs of Chester’s mental health, with all of the aftermath of YRS that they’d tried to move on from too quickly and without dealing with it properly. But what Chester had said the night before was right. It had been the two of them against the world, until somehow space had come between them. It felt like Jason and Ryan had helped to create that space between them, and Mike wanted to fix all of it. He wanted to face the world with Chester at his side. The good stuff and the hard things. They’d made a good team. He wanted that back, more than he wanted the easy life with Jason at his side. 

“We might have felt like we had it all for a while, Jay, but something would have been missing, and by the time we realized it, it would have been too late. It’s not too late for me to fix things with Chester, and it might get hard again, but I want to be true to who I am. I want to do the hard things with him. I’m sorry I hurt you.” Mike looked up to see Jason looking at him, and the odd mix of pain and anger in his eyes.

Jason could feel it all slipping through his fingers, everything that had gone on the last year that had brought them to this moment. “I asked you if you were sure. Over and over again, and you said you were every time. I don’t understand you. It could have been a one time thing, if that’s what you wanted. Hell, Ry and Chaz probably would have been okay with it, if we’d been honest about it. But you were _so sure,_ Mike. Every time I asked, you were all in. Was all of that a lie, too?” Jason couldn’t comprehend how foolish he felt, how he’d been convinced by Mike’s words. 

Mike tilted his head back and looked up at the high ceiling. “In the moment, I was sure. As awful as that sounds… I think we all have things about us that are changed, that we haven’t come to terms with from being at YRS. I think there are things _you_ haven’t dealt with when it comes to your marriage, and what you put up with.” Mike looked back at Jason. “You deserve more, I hope you know that. We all tried to go on with our lives like nothing was different, but everything was different once Mark was gone. Ches is the only one really dealing with all those scars the right way. We probably all need therapy and we probably all need to step back and look at the damage that place caused, and is still causing, and try to stop that wound from bleeding. It can’t just be ignored while it bleeds over into every part of our lives. I almost let it ruin what I have with Chester, and I’m not going to do that. So, no, Jay, I wasn’t lying to you. In that moment, with my head in that place, I thought what I was doing was best. For me and you, for Ches and Ryan. Turns out Chester was the one who could see all the mistakes we were making. He’s the one that told Ryan no, he’s the one who’s dealing with the past in a healthy way. We all need to do that.”

Even knowing that every word Mike was saying about YRS and their emotional baggage was true, Jason couldn’t hear any more. The idea that Mike had consented, wanted him, even, in the moment was too much. It all came down to Mike changing his mind, and Jason’s idea of what his life was going to look like was gone with that change of heart. “I hope you don’t wake up in a month and think you’re coming back to me, Mike, because this is where we end.” He pushed his wine glass away and stood up. “I want you out by the end of the week.”

Mike opened his mouth to protest, but Jason held up his hand. “You gave me plenty of time to think the last two days. I didn’t think you’d come in contrite and tell me you were wrong, and that you were coming to Seattle after this little weekend fling. I knew this was it. I’m going to sell this place and be finished with all of it. Mark, L.A., this place and that house, the business and the memories and everything. You’ve made your choice, so I’m sure you and Chaz can figure it all out. This time you won’t be doing it with Mark’s help, or mine. I’ll have the locks changed while you’re at work.” 

Jason felt strangely calm, though he wanted to scream at Mike. He wanted to remind him of all he was giving up, but deep down he knew it didn’t matter. Mike was choosing his bone-deep, soulmate love over everything that Jason had to offer him, and that was the end, as painful as it felt. He left Mike sitting at the table as he rounded the bar and took his small weekend suitcase with him. 

“So that’s it?” Mike asked, a little bit of fear mixed in with the relief he was feeling that it was all over now. “What about my stuff in Seattle?”

With his back to Mike, Jason shrugged. “I guess you can have until Sunday night to come get it.” He closed his eyes to keep the hot tears that were springing to the surface from falling. “Ask Chaz what to do, Mikey. It’s you and him against the world, right?” He didn’t wait for Mike’s response, walking out the loft door for the last time without so much as a backward glance. 

****

The last flight to Seattle was gone before Jason made his way to the ticket counter at LAX, and staying the night in the airport wasn’t an option. He’d already turned in his rental, and was in a mood when he stalked back outside and ordered an Uber to take him to the Four Seasons near the airport. It was a better option than going back to the loft. Thirty minutes after he left the airport, he was installed in a room with a king bed and a deplorable view for such a high dollar hotel. He shut the curtains and flopped down on the bed, his mind going to Ryan and the lunch they shared yesterday afternoon. Everything was easy, the way it had been for so long between them, before everything had gone so wrong. The more he tried to figure out how he’d read Mike so wrong, the less it made sense to him. It was obvious that Mike had never stopped loving Chester, and Jason felt like an asshole for trying to convince him otherwise.

_And Ry. He got caught in the crossfire. None of it is fair, but especially not what I did to him. He didn’t do anything wrong. But I pushed him aside for Mike. For what I thought Mike could be. Because I thought Ry wanted to be with Chaz._ He closed his eyes. _I screwed it all up. Things with Ry and Mike and Chaz. All because I thought that Mark was infallible. Well, hon, you didn’t get it right with me and Mike. Mike’s always been in love with Chaz, and that’s not going to change._

His thoughts turned to the house in Seattle. It was with something akin to hatred that he thought about Mike’s boxes, stacked neatly and waiting for his ex-boyfriend who would never unpack them. _Ex-boyfriend. Unbelievable._ The way everything ended that night was unreal. He was fighting back tears as he thought about the plans he’d made that wouldn’t come to fruition. _That’s what I’m good at. Making plans. I had everything figured out, for both of us. Starting over, starting fresh. I did everything for him, reset him back to the Mike he was before YRS, got rid of Kenji and everything else, only for him to choose Chaz. Nobody there would have known about YRS. Nobody would have known about our past. It was perfect. Mike and I barely had a past together. We could have invented ourselves however we wanted._

Jason turned on his side and let the tears fall, finally. He’d been holding them at bay for hours. _I don’t want to think about any of it right now. I just want a bottle of wine and this pillow. Ry didn’t even bat an eye that Mike was with Chaz. It was like he was telling me something boring, like the weather forecast. I guess I’m the only one surprised. I thought I had this all figured out. I thought I’d given Mike everything he wanted. But it’s not enough. I’m not Chester._ Jason rubbed at his eyes and looked at the phone, thinking about calling room service for that wine. 

_I’m done._ The loft that he had picked out and loved, that had become Chester’s home more than his own... he never wanted to see it again. In that moment, he decided it didn’t matter if he never stepped foot in the place again. He’d call his real estate agent and have it listed by the end of the week. All the loft represented was everything that he could have had with Mark, but didn’t. _And everything I could have had with Mike. Was it just the idea of Mike? Is he right about that? Was it all just something I made up in my head?_

He knew there had to be something more between them than just the idea of a bright future. There was a spark, a chemistry that they both felt, a physical attraction on both sides. But Jason had a hard time answering the question Mike posed to him earlier, as they calmly ended their relationship over a bottle of Merlot at the kitchen table of a loft Jason had once wanted so badly. Why did he want Mike, when Ryan had been willing, had been there for years?

He’d turned that question over and over since he’d left Mike at the loft. He loved Ryan. He’d done exactly what Mike had done, pushing away his lover for something else. Something new, something seemingly unadulterated by Mark. _How foolish to think that Mike wasn’t changed by Mark, too. How ridiculous to think that I could keep him the way he used to be. Before it all came unraveled._

Jason knew he had looked at Mike like he was still the innocent, unharmed nineteen year old that had talked to him in bare feet and pajama pants about love. Mike had seemed to understand when Jason wasn’t ready to move on quite yet. They’d become friends and then conspirators, hiding the closeness they were cultivating once YRS was behind them. Then Chester was falling apart, Ryan was dividing his time between his boyfriend and his best friend, and Jason was trying to make sense of it all. But Mike, he’d seemed less damaged than the three of them. And somehow having Mike had become the most important part to Jason moving on. 

_I didn’t want to see it, but it’s true. I wanted him because of you, hon. I wanted him because somehow he’d managed not to let you ruin him. But I was wrong. The Mike that came to YRS would have never left Chaz for me. I convinced him that’s what he wanted. You turned him into someone he’s not, and I finished it off. I’m no better than you are._

He wiped his hand over his closed eyes and thought of all he’d bought for Mike, everything he’d put in place and had delivered in the past week. _Things, that’s what I had to offer. And why not, Mark? Isn’t that what you taught me? Because all of the things you gave me made up for the fact that you cheated on me and hurt me, right? So someone as sheltered as Mike would certainly fall for the same tactics._ Jason laughed out loud. It was ridiculous to be talking to his dead husband in his head, but that was where he was now. That was what was left. Mark had always wanted to keep Jason for himself. _It’s somehow still working in your favor, hon. When it all comes down to it, it’s me and you._

The urge to take Mike’s things and dump them outside the front door when he got home was there, but Jason had never been cruel. No matter how stupid he felt right now, no matter how his heart hurt for the mess he’d made of his life, he couldn’t bring himself to be vindictive. Mike hadn’t done anything wrong to him, other than giving in to him in the first place. Everything he was feeling right now was his own fault, and Jason knew it.

_And Ry. After everything we went through… I pushed him away because he had walked through all of that with me._ Jason scratched the side of his face, trying to remember the days and weeks after Mark died. It was all such a blur now, all of the pain and guilt and emotions that followed once they’d put Mark in the ground. _I wasn’t fair. But, none of this is fair. It’s not fair that you left such a mess behind! You always get your way!_

Anger was something Jason hadn’t felt toward Mark since long before he died. Anger was a dangerous emotion around his husband, and something he’d learned to push away, to hide, to pretend he didn’t feel. But the reality of things now made Jason angry. All he wanted was to be free of his past. It had been so close to becoming a reality, even if it was all pretense. His relationship with Mike had been built on nothing but dreams and maybes. He wanted to talk to Ryan. He wanted to tell him what a mistake he’d made. He didn’t expect a second chance - life rarely worked that way - but the need to talk to someone who understood him on a fundamental level was strong. Jason never needed to explain when things from the past came up. Ryan had been there, he knew. He knew secrets and shame that Jason could never imagine telling anyone else, things that he’d shielded Mike from. There was a shared history between them that Jason had once wanted to run away from, but now he wanted that comfort back. It was a selfish realization.

After indulging in some more self-pity, Jason sat up, wiping his eyes again. He was tired of crying. When taking a shower and getting in his pajamas didn’t help, he decided he didn’t want to spend the night alone. _Ryan was willing to see me yesterday. I’ll just text him. That way he’ll see it and he can decide if he wants to respond._ Jason opened his phone and looked at Ryan’s name for a few seconds before he tapped the screen and started a new message.

**Jason:** _It was good to see you yesterday. The best part of my weekend, by far. Come keep me company. I’m in the Four Seasons by LAX. Room 333. _

He let the message sit for a few seconds before he hit send. It wasn’t all of the things he wanted to say to Ryan Shuck, but he had to start somewhere. Maybe it would be the first step to bringing Ryan back into his life.

He called room service next for a bottle of wine and some rum, in the event Ryan took him up on the offer. When he hung up the phone, Jason settled into the pillows to wait for the wine, and to see if Ryan would come to him. 

****  
TBC


	39. LAS 2

Ryan stood outside the hotel room door. He’d already been staring at it for the last ten minutes. _He just wants some company. This doesn’t mean anything. I know that. He knows that. We had a good time yesterday at lunch, and even at the grocery store, and tonight won’t be any different. I know we’ll have a good time. We’ve always enjoyed each other._ The thought brought a smile to Ryan’s face, but only for a second. _Just not enough for us to stay together._

Ryan shoved that away. He knew tonight wasn’t about that. He couldn’t let those sorts of feelings up to the surface. What he and Jason had was in the past, because Jason had put it there, and Ryan kept that in mind as he knocked on the door. He tugged at the front of his black leather jacket as he waited, a hand quickly running through his hair one last time. 

Jason put his glass on the small table and headed for the door. He’d just gotten started, which meant either Ryan had gotten to him in record time, or the room service was exceptionally slow. Either way, he’d only had a few sips of his wine when he let Ryan in. “Come on in,” he said, waving a hand toward the room. “I just opened my wine.” He closed the door behind Ryan and turned to secretly admire him. _He’s always looked good in leather._

Ryan had to laugh. “You and the wine,” he said as he headed into the room. There was a king sized bed, covered in a dark green blanket with tan criss-cross patterns running through it. White pillows lined the headboard, and Jason had pulled the curtains closed, leaving the room dimly lit by the lamps that were scattered around. The television was off, but soft music was playing from somewhere. “Did you end up with a crappy view?” he asked, as he pulled his jacket off, tossing it over one of the high-backed chairs by the window, before he peeked around the curtain. 

“I just haven’t looked out yet.” Jason walked over to the window and pulled the curtain back a little more. They could see the tops of buildings and the hotel pool down below. “Yeah, not the best. That’s what happens when you just walk in and ask for a room. You get whatever they have.” He turned away from the window and retrieved his wine glass. “I know wine isn’t your thing. I had room service bring up some rum, if you wanted a drink.” When Ryan turned away from the window he nodded toward the small bar over the mini-fridge. There was a bucket of ice and four mini bottles of rum waiting. 

“Thanks,” Ryan answered. He went to head that way, but stopped at the chair where his jacket was. He picked it up and pulled a Nestle’s Crunch candy bar out of the pocket. “Here,” he said, stepping around the twin chairs to get to the bed. He held it out. “I was in the gas station when I got your text. I figured, you know, you might wake up in the middle of the night and want some comfort food. Or something to go with your wine. I know they’re your favorite.”

Jason reached out and took the candy bar and flashed Ryan a small smile. “They are. Thanks, Ry. I feel like eating it now.” He looked toward Ryan’s jacket. “Did you get yourself anything?” He didn’t want to eat alone. 

“Um, no,” Ryan answered, looking between Jason and back towards his jacket. “It’s okay, go ahead and eat it. I brought it for you.” He sent Jason his best smile before he turned and wandered over to the mini bar station. He hadn’t missed that Jason was already in pajama pants and a plain white t-shirt, his feet pulled up on the bed as he sat cross-legged. It was a more comforting sight than what he could have walked into. Thoughts of Jason pacing the room or already being tipsy from too much wine had crossed Ryan’s mind all the way across town.

He plucked one of the rum bottles from the bucket and looked at it before grabbing a cup and adding a bit of ice. “Well, guess there’s no point in waiting. What happened? Did you see Mike?” he asked, the rum flowing into the glass cup with the hotel’s logo on it. 

Jason tipped his glass back and took a longer drink than he usually would have before he looked at Ryan. “Yeah. It’s over.” He heard the clink of ice against the side of the glass as Ryan jiggled his rum a little. “I wanted to go back to Seattle tonight, but I missed the last flight.” He frowned and set down his glass so he could open the candy bar. “I didn’t think he’d be back so late, but that’s how it went. At least he didn’t try to hide it. I’m not stupid. I told him that, Ry.” He took an aggressive bite of the chocolate.

Ryan hadn’t heard a peep from Chester, which meant he was probably with Mike, so the news that a breakup had gone down wasn’t shocking. He crossed the room and stood at the end of the bed. He wasn’t sure exactly where to sit. “Of course you’re not stupid,” he said first. “You’re one of the smartest people I know. And I’m not sure where they were staying down in Long Beach, but I’m surprised they got back so late, especially if they had to check out earlier in the day. Chaz can’t do much with his ankle messed up.” 

“What happened with that?” Jason asked absently. He knew Ryan had mentioned it the other day, but he hadn’t really been listening. “You can sit on the bed, Ry. I’m not going to bite.” 

Even with the direct invitation, Ryan hesitated for a second before deciding it was a king sized bed. There was plenty of room for them both to have personal space. He walked around, and sat down caddy-corner to Jason, at the end of the bed. He fumbled, getting his boots off before he pulled his legs up on the bed, his black socks hiding his feet. “It happened at Pride Week, when we were up in San Francisco. Last day we were there protesters showed up and it was this rush of people and Chaz got dragged under and trampled a little.” He looked down at his drink. “He really could have gotten hurt a lot worse. He’s so small.” 

Jason thought that over for a second. Chester was small boned, and he’d always seemed to bruise easier than the other boys. “I guess he got lucky it wasn’t worse, then. Chaz has always been a little fragile.” It was an understatement. Jason didn’t want to get into all of the ways that Chester had ended up hurt over the years, and he especially didn’t want the conversation to circle around to marks that Mike had left on him. He knew it was a hot-button topic for Ryan. “You didn’t get hurt at all?” he asked instead, looking at Ryan while he finished off his candy and leaned over to get his wine glass. 

Ryan took a sip of his rum, savoring the taste of the spiced drink he adored. “No. I wasn’t there when it happened. I mean, I was, but we weren’t next to each other. There were so many people and we got separated for a little bit.” He waited for a second before adding, “It was fun until that happened. San Francisco is a beautiful city.” 

“It is,” Jason agreed, scooting back to lean against the pillows on the bed. He was about ready to refill his glass. “I haven’t been there in a while. It’s one of those places that’s nice to visit, but the traffic is almost worse than L.A. And all those crazy hills, with the houses built on slopes… driving there made me nervous.” He stretched his feet out in front of him and wiggled his toes. Ryan was almost close enough to tap, but not quite. 

“Yeah, it’s a little crazy with how it’s designed, I’ll give you that.” Ryan took another drink, the alcohol warming his insides. “I didn’t have to drive. We took rides everywhere or walked.” He knew what he wanted to ask Jason, but he wasn’t sure if he should open the conversation or not. He’d already asked about what had happened, and Jason had carefully steered things away from Mike. “So tell me about your new place,” he asked instead. “Does it put the loft to shame?” He tossed Jason a grin, knowing that they both really liked the L.A. loft, despite its shortcomings. 

“It’s a little bit like the loft, in a way,” Jason mused, leaning over to pour more wine into his glass from the bottle sitting on the bedside table. “The whole upstairs is the master bedroom and closet, but there’s a bathroom up there, too. And two walls that are entirely windows. So it’s got a really open feel.” He could picture the barely there green tint to the paint and the wood accents of the upstairs of the houseboat. “Oh, and it’s on the water. Literally. It’s a houseboat. They’re big in Seattle.” 

Ryan’s jaw almost dropped. “Really?” he asked, trying to picture a houseboat with an upstairs or even bathrooms. “A houseboat? Well, that’s crazy,” he chuckled before taking another drink. “You got pictures?” 

“Um.. yeah. A few on my phone.” Jason leaned back over to set down his glass and picked up his phone. “You’ll have to come over here to see them.” 

“Right. Make me move,” Ryan grumbled playfully before he swung his feet off the bed and stood up. He left his drink on the opposite nightstand and circled back around the bed to stand next to Jason, leaning down to see the line of pictures as they flashed across the screen. “Wow,” he whispered, especially at the one of the chef’s kitchen, and the view from the upstairs bedroom. “Jay, that’s beautiful.” 

It was, and Jason really loved it. He swallowed and tried to keep his voice level. “Thanks. I never thought I’d live on the water like that, but it’s nice. You don’t even feel it move. And the inside is so open, you don’t feel cramped at all. It’s not big, but it’s big enough.” He pressed the button on the side of the phone and the screen went black. He could smell Ryan’s soap, his shampoo, and his stomach took a funny turn. Jason looked up and his eyes met Ryan’s, the beautiful blue eyes he’d fallen in love with so long ago. “I guess I should learn how to cook something in a kitchen like that.” He reached for his wine. 

Their shared gaze had paused Ryan, but as soon as Jason looked away from him, he stood himself back up straight and went back to his seat, his rum in hand as he climbed onto the bottom of the bed. “You could join one of those clubs that sends the food to you, already portioned out, with recipes to go with it,” he suggested before taking a drink. “Or hire another cook,” he added with a smirk. 

“The job is good, but it’s not that good,” Jason retorted drily. “If only I could have started in this position in L.A. We would have never needed to cram into the loft the way we did.” He squinted his eyes at Ryan and shook his head. “What a bad idea.” 

Ryan nodded. “It was. That was a trainwreck from the start.” His shoulders slumped a little as he sipped his drink. “I think we all learned what not to do with that.”

They were both quiet for a moment, letting the alcohol work through their bodies, thinking about the months in the loft. Without thinking his words through completely, or what conversation might follow, Jason looked at Ryan suddenly and said, “I should have made them move out so we could be alone, Ry. I wasn’t thinking clearly after Mark died.” 

Ryan put his hand out, shaking his head. “Jay, don’t even try and blame yourself for that. Everything was crazy, and none of us really knew how things were going to go. I know I really pushed you back then, trying to make us move faster than we were ready for. As boyfriends,” he clarified, motioning between them. “I should have backed off and let you have your space to deal with everything.” He stopped, his mind pulling up moment after moment when he’d felt left out or pushed aside or even unwanted in those first few weeks and months after Mark had passed away. “It was selfish of me. I didn’t know what I was doing.” He took another long drink, letting the rum give him comfort. 

Jason dropped his eyes to the blanket. It was an opening to talk through the things he’d been thinking about earlier, and he took it. “I didn’t know how to explain to you how I was feeling. I thought that you would think I didn’t love you if I told you that I still loved Mark.” He hesitated before he blew out a long, frustrated breath. “Maybe if I had talked to you about all of that, you would have understood what I needed. I don’t know. We can’t change any of it now, can we?” 

Ryan shook his head. “No, we can’t. And I don’t understand, Jay. I still don’t. I never did. But I know you loved him, all the way to the end. I guess that’s why you married him. You don’t marry someone unless you’re really in love.” He looked at Jason, carefully watching the way he held his wine glass, and how one hand was hanging onto the side of his pajama pants. “I know we can’t change it, but I know I wasn’t helping. I’m all ears tonight though, if you want to talk about any of it.” 

“About Mark?” Jason’s eyes snapped up to meet Ryan’s and he let go of his pajama pants to wrap his free arm around his middle. “I don’t know what to say about any of it at this point. It was all just a shock. To go from wishing so desperately to get away from him to him suddenly being gone… I didn’t want it like that, Ry. And I felt guilty. Like I’d done it on purpose. Like I’d wanted to be with you so much that I pushed him. I didn’t push him,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “I wanted to be free but I wanted him to love me, too. None of it turned out the way I thought it would. And you’re right. I married him because I was in love. He loved me too. And it was good, for a while.” He stopped, not sure if he should bring Chester into the conversation or not. 

It wasn’t new information to Ryan. He and Jason had talked extensively over the years about Mark. He had no doubt that the other man had been in love. “He did love you,” he encouraged, knowing Jason needed to hear it. “He just wasn’t right, Jay. He had problems. Especially...later on,” he offered delicately. 

“Especially after he found Chaz, you mean,” Jason said, pointing his wine glass at Ryan. “That’s when it all changed. He was obsessed with him.” 

Ryan gasped, leaning back a little. “That’s not what I meant,” he defended lightly. “I meant in the last few months, he was getting worse than normal.” He swallowed hard as he dropped his eyes to his knees, his legs crossed. “I’m not sure why he fixated on Chaz, you and I both know he wasn’t a willing participant when it came to non-work things.” 

Jason _did_ know that. Chester hadn’t been willing, and neither had Ryan. Or any of the other boys. But Mark had always had a special place for Chester. “I know. I know it’s not Chaz’s fault. But that’s when it all changed. When he came to YRS. I knew that Mark had his flings before him, but that’s all they were. Just flings. With Chaz it felt like more. Like he could replace me with him, and that would be exactly what he wanted. You know how it was. He was inside Chaz’s head more than anyone else.” He took a few more sips of his wine. “Ry, I was jealous of him.” 

Ryan stayed quiet, letting that sink in. It was something he always knew, but it wasn’t something Jason had ever come out and said. _Jealous of Chaz… over something that wasn’t his fault. Over something Chaz never wanted._ “I would be, too,” Ryan finally said between drinks. “I…” He stopped, the amount of attention Mark showered on Chester suddenly coming together, everything from letting him stay at the loft for free, to extra benefits in gifts and money over the years, to making sure Chester always had the nicest hotel rooms out of all the boys when they would go on trips. _And Mike. He even brought Mike on just to keep Chaz happy. To keep him there._

Ryan shut his eyes, the pit of regret in his stomach growing. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, a little for himself, a little for Chester, and a little bit for Mark. “Jealousy is such a destructive force. Jay, I wish things hadn’t gone the way they did for you. I always thought you were so strong to put up with him the way you did. I wish I could have helped more. I know I didn’t help, that’s for sure. Me and Chaz were way too close back then. We got out of hand,” he admitted, his head feeling light from the alcohol, letting his tongue roll freely. “We’re not like that now.” 

“You helped,” Jason protested, shaking his head. “I would have gone crazy without you, Ry. You made me feel like I mattered. You know? You weren’t pushing me aside for someone else.” He dropped his head again and closed his eyes. “You and Chaz were close, but it never interfered with us while Mark was still here. He had Mike, and we were together, and that’s how it was. It didn’t get all screwed up until Mark was gone.” He lifted his glass and took a long drink. He could feel the warmth in his cheeks and the tingle in his entire body. If he wasn’t careful, he’d drink the entire bottle of wine himself. 

Ryan sat with his legs crossed, his rum in hand. It was already half gone. He had to admit Jason was right. Until they all moved in together, his close relationship with Chester hadn’t seemed to matter to Jason. Ryan’s eyebrows narrowed a little as his thoughts went deeper. _It didn’t bother him after that either, or at least he never said anything. That was part of the problem...it didn’t seem like he cared what I did._ “I guess maybe we need to learn how to talk to each other,” he said, before looking up, a short gasp escaping after his words. “I mean, it would have helped back then, if we were better at talking about things. Sometimes it didn’t feel like you cared what I was doing,” he admitted with a shrug. “That hurt.” 

Jason contemplated that for a moment. “I cared,” he admitted softly. “I didn’t know how to talk to you, Ry. I didn’t know how to tell you how I felt. The way I felt… _feel_, about Mark… it’s complicated. I don’t understand it half the time. It felt wrong to talk to you about that. So I guess I pulled away from you, and you got closer to Chaz, and then we were confiding in people who weren’t each other.” Jason frowned. “I’m sorry. I know that was wrong. I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

Ryan looked away, across the room to the closed curtains. “I know we weren’t really connecting on things...we’re from two different worlds, Jay.” He pulled his gaze back around to the bed as he took a drink. “But, I want you to know I was going to try. I knew it meant a lot to you. Some of that stuff was really out of my ballpark. I should have given it more of a chance than I did.” The night they’d gone to the symphony came to mind, and Ryan shook his head. “I had a bad attitude about some of it.” 

“We’re different people, you’re right,” Jason said, looking at Ryan’s downcast features. “But you want to know something? A secret?” He leaned forward, using one finger to beckon Ryan closer. 

Ryan’s downtrodden expression lifted as he leaned forward, one hand on the bed, the other holding his rum as he got as close as he could across the bed. “What?” he whispered back.

“It’s all fake, Ry,” Jason whispered back. “All of this high society, wine drinking stuff, that’s not who I used to be. It’s all who I think I am now.” He sat back, brushing his hand over the comforter. “Money and comfort changes you, Ry. And everything Mark wanted. I did everything he wanted!” Jason insisted, pressing his fist into the mattress. “I was the perfect husband. I learned the wine, and the society, and what to say and how to act and how to _exist_ in this world Mark built. I’ve been trying to keep that world since he’s been gone. But that’s not where I’m from. And look at how it’s working out for me.” Jason smashed his fist into the top of the mattress. “I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing anymore. You know what I realized, Ry? I’m so fucked up I put Mark’s whole last vision for YRS in motion. All of this with Mike… that day Mark died, he wanted to film me and Mike together. What he wanted us to do, the scene when Chaz couldn’t work, he was going to be away, and Mike was lonely, and I was just the mistake,” he rambled viciously in jumbled sentences. “It was all a mistake, Ry. All because all I ever did was try to do exactly what he wanted. What is wrong with me?” Both of Jason’s hands flew to cover his mouth and he stared at Ryan with wide eyes. 

Ryan had pulled back, staying quiet as he watched Jason rant, and physically abuse the bed. He wasn’t sure what to say. He’d seen Chester have meltdowns before, but never Jason. Jason was usually a rock. _He seems just as upset about Mark as he does about Mike._ A part of him was silently thankful that he wasn’t included in Jason’s rage, and at the same time it felt like one more example of how he was left out. “I don’t know if I would say there’s something _wrong_ with you, Jay. I, I wasn’t there when that last scene was happening.” He squinted as he looked at his ex, his mind putting together what Jason had said. “You think it was, like, a subconscious thing? You played out Mark’s scenario without realizing it?” He stopped, his mind pushing more questions to the forefront. “Does that mean...you weren’t really in love with Mike?” 

Jason let his hands fall to the bed as he shook his head. “I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s all so complicated! I think some part of me just wanted to make Mark happy. He… he had voice notes on his phone, Ry. I listened to them.” He wasn’t about to tell Ryan the extent of what he’d heard Mark say about the two of them, and Ryan in particular. “He thought you would be better for Chaz than Mike. He didn’t want Chaz with Mike at all.” 

Ryan swallowed the last of his rum before he got up, ready for miniature bottle number two. “You never told me about the voice notes,” he said over his shoulder. “It seems weird he’d think that, since he was so against me and Chaz dating way back at the beginning.” He shrugged his shoulders. That was so far in the past, and Chester had made it very clear that there would never be anything between them but friendship. It had been a hard pill to swallow at the time, even though Ryan knew he was right. “And If there’s one thing I know about Mike Shinoda,” he said as he twisted off the cap and poured the contents into his cup of melting ice cubes, “it’s that he loves Chaz, and Chaz has fucking blinders on when it comes to him. I could tell you stories, Jay, but it doesn’t matter. And Mark? Well, for as long as I’ve known you, he’s made you pretty miserable in one way or another. I hope you know you don’t deserve that,” he stated as he turned around, his new drink in hand as he tipped it towards the bed. “I wish we could have gotten out of there and away from him together.” 

Jason watched as Ryan made a new drink and came back to the bed. “You’re right. You’re the only person who has never made me miserable. You want to talk about deserving more - that’s you, Ry. You’ve always deserved more than I’ve given you. I don’t know what I was trying to prove with Mike. It wasn’t love, not really, not the way I convinced myself. He was a conquest. A stupid one, and I hurt you trying to make a dead man happy.” Jason reached over to pour another glass of wine. “Or maybe I was just trying to get back at Chaz.” 

Ryan held his glass close to his lips, letting the taste of the rim and the smell of the alcohol invade his senses for a moment as he thought about that statement. He wasn’t completely sure what Jason meant, and at this point, he didn’t figure he had anything to lose by asking. “What do you mean? Chazzy never did anything against you. Until you fucked Mike, he’s always been a very loyal friend of yours.” Somewhere in Ryan’s mind he knew his choice of words weren’t the best, but intoxication was on its way, and the truth came out how he felt it.

“Fucked. Mike.” Jason narrowed his eyes. “I guess the two of you would see it that way. It’s not like he didn’t have a choice. And Chaz, I don’t know, Ry. My husband was obsessed with him. Maybe taking Mike away from him was just part of how it was all meant to play out. Chaz took Mark, and I took Mike.” Jason leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted Chaz to feel the way I felt every time Mark chose him over me.” 

Ryan shook his head. “Jay, that’s fucked up,” he told him, trying to see the logic. “The two situations aren’t anything alike.” He dropped his eyes to the bed, and the space between them, which seemed to be less now than it was when he’d first sat down. He thought about stating again that Chester didn’t have a choice - that none of them had a choice - but he knew Jason already knew that. “I’m sorry Mark treated you so badly, Jay. I really am. I hope you can see past that one of these days. For what it’s worth, I was always jealous of Mark. He got to marry you. When we’d be out on location and you guys would go off to the country clubs or the really fancy places or just stay in your room all night, even before you and I were a thing, I always used to think, man, Mark’s a lucky bastard.” 

Jason felt his cheeks flush. “Really? You thought that before we were _us_?” 

Ryan shrugged, his free hand reaching around to rub his bare arm his tank top left exposed. “Yeah. Silly, I know. I just always thought you were so handsome and smart.” He looked up, smiling, his cheeks warm. “No matter what, I always knew you were the real boss. You kept everything and everyone running on schedule and things looking fantastic. And there’d be these moments when everything would stop,” he explained, spreading his arms out to either side, “and I’d catch myself staring at you while you tried to figure things out. You’d look at the shot or the props or the angle and you’d find a way to make it better. It was...sexy,” he said with a short smile. 

“Sexy? Me?” Jason sat up from the pillows. “No, no. You’ve got it all wrong. _You_ were the sexy one. All that dark leather and dark hair and those tattoos…” Jason shivered a little as he thought of Ryan’s bare chest and arms, and all the dark tattoos that were there. They all looked fantastic on camera. “You were always so sexy, from the moment we stole you from Carnal Delights. There was this sexy bad boy vibe around you. But you were the sweetest. It didn’t take long for me to notice, you and those beautiful blue eyes. You were so sweet.” Jason smiled as memories of when Ryan moved to YRS came to mind. “All that tough bad boy exterior, but you’re a marshmallow inside.” 

Ryan smiled. “What can I say? Leather’s my color.” He gestured to his pants. “And people shouldn’t judge you on your looks. I’ve always been taller and, I don’t know,” he mumbled running his hand up and down his front. “People always take me for a goon, and it’s like, unless you really mess with someone I care about, I’m a fuckin’ pussy cat.” It was for sure the alcohol’s influence showing as Ryan leaned forward and purred. 

A giggle escaped Jason’s throat. “You’re ferocious,” he decided, reaching out to pet Ryan’s dark hair. “I’ve never seen a scarier pussy cat.” He ran his fingers through Ryan’s hair, his hand instantly remembering the feel of the product that kept it in place, before he let his fingers slip down the side of Ryan’s face and away. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything as sexy as you.” 

Ryan had closed his eyes under Jason’s touch, but they opened at his words. He wasn’t sure if Jason meant what he said, but it was still nice to hear. Ryan ducked his eyes before he sat back. His insides were starting to tingle, and which parts of that were from the liquor and which parts were from having Jason Wakefield touch his face and call him sexy, he wasn’t sure. “Can I ask you something and you not get totally pissed at me?” 

“Of course.” Jason nodded, holding up his wine glass in a toast. “I hereby declare tonight honesty and truth night. Which I know is supposed to be every night, but I’m a horrible person.” He toasted himself and then drank. “What do you want to know, Ry? I’m all yours.” 

Hearing Jason call himself a horrible person didn’t sit right with Ryan, but he let it go. Jason had been cheated on, lots of self-pity was part of the game. “You knew you were taking Mike to Seattle...so why did you invite me at all? That night when you told me about it and we talked like we were making real plans, why?” He shook his head as he looked down at the dark rum in his glass. “Were you trying to be mean to me? Or was it a joke?” 

“Oh, Ry,” Jason breathed, shame hitting him instantly. “It was never a joke. I’m not that horrible. I’d never do that.” He sat back, putting a little space between them. “I don’t know. At the time I thought I was covering my bases, I guess. Now I can see I was just being selfish. I didn’t want to tell you what was going on yet. And I wasn’t convinced Mike would want to go. I thought he’d stay with Chaz. And when you and I were making plans, I really believed them,” he insisted. “I could see us being happy together, Ry. None of that was fake.” 

Ryan kept his eyes down. Out of everything that had happened, the moment he found out Seattle was never meant for him had hurt the most. He wasn’t sure how to put words to why that had been the deepest cut, but it was the one thing that nagged at him long after he’d accepted that Jason had cheated, that they’d fallen out of love and had grown apart. “Chaz has told me a lot of things,” he said, finally looking up, but not quite meeting Jason’s eyes. “And I don’t know what the truth is, but he’s said a few things about why Mike wanted to go to Seattle. I just, I just want you to know that the only reason I was ready to go was for you. Not because of anything you could give me, but just for you.” He glanced up to see Jason’s large, dark eyes staring at him. 

Jason had spent a lot of time thinking about all he was offering Mike. Even today he’d thought about it all, and wondering why he wasn’t enough, yet here was Ryan, letting him know that all that stuff didn’t matter. “I don’t know how it got so messed up, Ry. I really don’t. It’s not like I woke up one day and decided we weren’t in love anymore. I just… you were always with Chaz, and Mike was there, and I could make him into anything I wanted him to be. Not that he was easy,” Jason amended quickly. “He resisted me clear up until a few days before they broke up. Not that it matters!” He didn’t know why he couldn’t stop talking. “I don’t know what I was doing, Ry. I’m sorry I treated you that way. You’ve been so loving and kind. I should have been better. I should never have decided you and Chaz would be better together. That’s what started it all, Mike’s paranoia.” 

“I was always with Chaz,” Ryan repeated in a low mumble, his eyes fixed on the checkered pattern of Jason’s pajama pants. “It was work. We were together for work.” He looked up at the ceiling, his conversation with Chester from yesterday morning zipping across his memory. “Chaz was right. We never should have started working at Score.” He dropped his head before he took a drink. “I was so angry at you,” he admitted suddenly. “After that whole Seattle thing, I told Chaz he and I should be together. It was a _fuck everyone_ kind of moment. He told me no. He told me that the only thing we’d ever be is friends with benefits. And he’s right. I know he’s right, if I’m being honest.” Ryan took another drink, his body swaying a little. “We’re friends, Jay. We’ve been friends for so long, there’s no romance between us.”

“I thought you’d end up together,” Jason admitted. “Just like Mike was afraid of. I thought you’d go to Chaz, and everything would be great for the two of you. I should have believed you, Ry.” Jason reached out his hand, hoping Ryan would take it. “I should have trusted you more. I know I did a lot of things wrong.” 

Ryan stared at Jason’s outstretched hand for a moment, his gaze fixating on the ring that wasn’t on Jason’s finger, or his own anymore, before he reached back. He slid his hand right into Jason’s, their fingers clasping together. “I should have been a better boyfriend,” he admitted. “It was kind of like inmates being let out of prison...all the sudden we had the freedom to be together, and I didn’t take good care of us. I just went wild wanting all the things we’d always talked about. I didn’t have a lot of boyfriend experience before you. I think it showed.” 

Jason had missed Ryan’s touch. He stroked his thumb over the back of Ryan’s hand while he thought through his words. “It was all very sudden,” he decided. “I’m not saying it was inexperience… but if you want to look at it all honestly, I was grieving. And you just didn’t understand that part.” He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I know it’s always been hard to understand, but I loved him. I loved you, too. I was _in love_ with you. I wanted that future we’d dreamed about together. I just needed some time, you know?” He looked up, hoping to catch Ryan’s eyes. 

“I know that now,” Ryan admitted with a slow shiver. “At the time it scared the hell out of me.” He met Jason’s gaze, and instantly recognized the soul behind them. His sweet Jason that he’d missed for so long. “It’s not your fault, Jay. It’s not your fault what happened to Mark. If you’re holding that against yourself, you shouldn’t.” He squeezed Jason’s hand lightly. “You loved him more than anyone else.” 

“I wish I knew how it always came back to him,” Jason whispered, holding Ryan’s gaze. “No matter what’s going on, it always comes back to him. And there are days I just want to get away from it all. Being in Seattle felt like that. Like I’d left Mark and YRS behind. Maybe being alone will be a good thing.” It was the first time he’d said aloud that he was going to be alone, and it was terrifying to think about. He hadn’t been alone since he was eighteen. 

_Alone_. The word sat on Ryan’s mind. The idea of Jason being in a new city all by himself and broken like he was showing he was tonight was a worrisome thought. Jason had said the houseboat wasn’t big, but Ryan knew it was going to feel massive when Jason finally got back to it, and his heartbeat was the only one in the entire place. “Maybe,” he said before taking a long sip of rum. He didn’t want to say anything discouraging. Not now. Not tonight. Despite the last few days, Ryan wasn’t sure if he and Jason would continue talking once he went back to Seattle, so staying positive and being the listening ear - the shoulder Jason needed to cry on - seemed like the best way to spend the evening. “You’ll make friends at work, I’m sure. Everyone likes you, so you won’t be totally alone.” 

Jason shrugged off the compliment. “Seattle is going to be what it’s going to be. If nothing else I’ll have plenty of time with my thoughts.” He sighed, that concept feeling heavy. “I had a lot of time to think after lunch yesterday, Ry. I went back to the loft and looked around, and thought, Mike doesn’t really want me. I’ve tried to make him think that he does, but he doesn’t. He’s been with Chaz since I left. It’s like I’m the other man when I’m not. _He_ was the one cheating on _me_ but it felt like _I’m_ the one doing something wrong. I never should have tried to take him, Ry. It was wrong for all of us.”

Ryan nodded. “It’s hard to argue with that. And, yeah, they’ve been together since you left,” he affirmed, even as he felt bad for digging that knife in a little deeper. “Sorry,” he whispered right after. He pulled his hand back before he stretched his neck and stood up. “Can I come sit next to you?” he asked, motioning to the expansive empty space beside Jason. 

Jason patted the bed next to him. “Come on,” he encouraged. “There’s lots of space.” He leaned over and set his wine glass down. He figured he might need a bit of a break. “I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

Ryan laughed as he left his almost empty cup of rum on the nightstand and climbed back on the bed, this time sitting down right next to Jason. He propped his back against one of the pillows and wiggled in his seat a little before he offered his open hand. “Actually, I was thinking it would be easier to hold hands like this.”

There was no hesitation or thought as Jason slipped his hand into Ryan’s larger, familiar one. “It is easier.” He squeezed Ryan’s fingers gently. “Just having you close is so nice. I’ve missed you, Ry.” Jason knew he should be careful, and monitor what he said, but having Ryan next to him was comforting. 

“Really?” Ryan stared down at their hands. “Because I’ve missed you. Amir said it’s normal, because we were together for years. Then he told me about breakup sex, and that’s when I really knew I’d fucked up when I walked out of the loft that night. I totally missed out on the breakup sex.” He squeezed Jason’s hand before he shook it playfully and looked over, hoping it wasn’t too soon to be silly after all the heavy conversation. 

“Breakup sex?!” Jason laughed, rolling his head over to look at Ryan. “So Amir is the expert now?” It amused him to think of Amir knowing anything about relationships. “I mean, he is right, I think. Breakup sex is a thing, Ry. It’s the sex you have after you break up,” he added, as though that made things clearer. “Like, when you really miss someone. You know?” 

Ryan let out a huff. “Well I know that _now_,” he seethed. “Again, you were my first real breakup, so, like, I didn’t know!” He rolled his eyes at the frustration that had invaded his voice. “And Amir’s not the same guy, by the way. He’s a legit boyfriend now. Him and Noah,” he stated, shaking Jason’s hand for emphasis. “They’re the whole bit, living together and snuggling and sappy ass pet names.”

“Noah?!” Jason shrieked, falling toward Ryan as he laughed. “Amir and Noah? No fucking way!”

“It’s true!” Ryan insisted, a wide grin on his face. “You should see them! It’s almost sickening, they’re so sweet together. God, Amir was actually talking about sunsets the other day. Or, no,” he corrected, “sunrises. It was sunrises.” He chuckled at the memory, his head swinging Jason’s way. “Amir appreciates all the colors of the sunrise now. Love did that to him.”

Jason rested his head against Ryan’s shoulder. “Love,” he repeated. “I think love is what makes you do crazy things.” He dared to unlace his fingers from Ryan’s and drop his hand on his ex’s thigh. “Did you think about having breakup sex with me?” he asked, the wine making him a little bolder than he normally would have been under sober circumstances. 

Ryan looked down. He could see the top of Jason’s head, the part in his hair, and the profile of his nose and lips - lips he knew by heart. “Yeah,” he admitted quietly. “More than once, if I’m honest. You’ll think I’m crazy, but I actually thought about jumping on a plane to Seattle to surprise you.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Jason’s hair. The smell of his shampoo shot a blast of familiar warm feelings through Ryan’s legs and belly.

“And then what?” Jason whispered, his fingers pressing into Ryan’s muscle. “I would have opened the door, and been surprised that you found me. And then what would have happened, Ry? Tell me what you were thinking,” he begged, truly wanting to know what Ryan had been thinking about all the weeks since they’d broken up. 

Ryan shut his eyes. “If you would have let me in, it would have been awful, which is why I didn’t go. I would have told you what was going on here, and I couldn’t take the idea of watching your heart break in front of me.” He pressed another soft kiss to Jason’s hair before he pulled back. “Admittedly, I found out about the breakup sex kinda late in the game. I knew even if it were to happen, it probably wouldn’t do either of us any good at the time.”

Jason didn’t quite know what to say. “Oh,” he offered, a bit of disappointment washing over him. “I mean, you’re probably right. It probably would have done more harm than good, You know?” He straightened up, putting a little space between them again and moving his hand back into his own lap. “You’re wise, you know that? Even though I can assure you break up sex would be good… you’re probably right.” He clasped his hands together and stared at them, thinking through the past few weeks. It was true. Break up sex would have hurt more than it helped, even just a week ago. Jason was in a whole different mindset than he had been then, though. He was single now, even if it had only been hours. 

Ryan missed Jason’s hand on his leg, and he frowned down at the empty spot on this thigh. “Wise,” he repeated before looking over. The lamp on the bedside table was casting a shadow across the bed, and it seemed to cut Jason’s face right down the middle, making all his features seem more dramatic. More sharp. Ryan wet his lips before he said, “Thanks, Jay. That’s definitely not something I hear too often.” 

Jason didn’t miss the tip of Ryan’s tongue across his lips, but he forced himself to look away. “It’s true. You’re smart in different ways than me. We complement each other, you know. We always have.” He continued playing with his hands, anything to keep from reaching for Ryan again. He hadn’t returned the touch when Jason was feeling over his thigh, so he wasn’t keen to try a second time. “Anyway… sorry about the break up sex. It could have been fun.” 

“We totally dropped the ball,” Ryan agreed. “If we ever get back together, and then break up, we _need_ to do it right next time.” He laughed for a second before pursing his lips together. He was pretty sure that was the rum talking, but he didn’t want to take it back either. Before he could even decide to change the subject to something safer, he heard himself say, “You probably shouldn’t have breakup sex with Mike though. He...he’s never gotten rough with you, has he?” Ryan’s lips were parted as he breathed, as panic started to settle over him. “I mean, the way we’ve heard him get?”

Even though it was true that Jason had gotten off to Mike’s voice, his commands, before, that aspect of Mike Shinoda had never been a part of their relationship. He shook his head slowly, trying to think of what to say, but his mind was tipsy and his thoughts a little jumbled. “No,” he stated emphatically, hoping Ryan would hear the truth in his inflection. “I set the rules with him early. He didn’t get to call the shots. That was all me.” Jason felt his cheeks twinge a little pink, and he wondered if that was too much information to share with Ryan.

It took a few seconds before Ryan sat forward, twisting his head to look Jason in the eyes. “You mean...you switched?” The idea of Jason being dominant in bed was like eating spaghetti for breakfast. It didn’t make sense. 

Jason snorted softly and reached for his wine glass. Suddenly he felt like he needed more. “Yeah. I’ve been on that side of things before, Ry. I didn’t trust him enough to control himself. So I took control for him. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on top,” he said simply, hiding behind his glass. 

Ryan’s mouth was open. “Really?” he asked again as he tried to piece together images in his head that didn’t seem to fit. “I mean, fuck, Jay, you’re blowing my mind right now.” He reached over and patted Jason on the leg, his fingers smoothing into his cotton pajama bottoms. “I’m just trying to imagine it, and...so, you like that?” He tilted his head as pure curiosity ran through him. 

“Of course I like it. Who doesn’t? You know?” Jason shot Ryan a brief smile. “There’s something really intriguing about being the one in control. I lived for years without any control. And with you, I could give it up, Ry. I trusted you completely. But Mike… I guess I just didn’t. Trust him. Or I wanted to control him. To see if I could.” Jason sat up a little straighter. “That sounds awful, doesn’t it? As bad as saying I wanted him because he was Chaz’s. Fuck, Ry. I don’t know anything about anything anymore.”

Ryan nodded. “Yes. That’s fucked up,” he agreed, shaking his finger through the air before his hand landed back on Jason’s leg. “But you should have told me you wanted to switch around a little. I would have been into that. Dammit. Now when we have breakup sex the next time we breakup, I want you on top.” He slashed his hand through the air. 

“Wait, what?” Jason was trying to follow Ryan’s logic. “Break up sex the next time we break up, but we’re broken up and we’re together now… are we having break up sex now? Because I’m fine with being on top or bottom, but I don’t think our first time with me on top should be break up sex, Ry. I’m just saying. Seems like that’s a regular sex kind of thing.” Jason scrunched his eyebrows together in thought. “So, what are we doing now?” 

Ryan busted into laughter. “I don’t know! I don’t think anything I just said made any sense at all.” He leaned forward as he twisted Jason’s way. One hand went back to Jason’s leg, his other on the bed, like he was trying to steady himself. “I think I’m a little drunk,” he said, his eyes washing over Jason’s face. “And you’re so beautiful.” 

Jason was a little drunk, too. Probably more than a little. He could smell Ryan so close, he could feel the heat of Ryan’s hand seeping through his pajama pants. There was a pull from inside that Jason couldn’t ignore, and even if he’d been sober, he wouldn’t have wanted to. Without any prompting, he suddenly remembered what Mike said earlier, when he was trying to explain why he was choosing Chester over him. _He said it was the kind of love you feel in your bones. Is that what this feeling is? Is that what’s pulling us back together? Do we have that kind of love, that none of the rest of this, all the mistakes we’ve made… none of it matters?_

He leaned in to Ryan, his eyes sliding shut as he reached for his ex-boyfriend’s shirt, balling his fingers in the fabric and tugging him closer as their lips met. There was the spicy taste of the rum, but under that was the taste of Ryan, and Jason heard the slight whimper that escaped him as their tongues met gently. 

Kissing Jason was something that Ryan had missed over the last month, maybe longer. Or at least it felt longer. The absolute need that rushed through him in those few seconds as their lips caressed and their tongues touched, like old friends that hadn’t seen each other in a long time, was almost overwhelming. Ryan squeezed Jason’s leg gently as he pushed a little forward, wanting to be closer. When their lips parted, Ryan was quick to take a second kiss, despite his mind screaming at him that he was being needy, and even louder that he had no right to take a kiss without permission from someone who was no longer his boyfriend. 

But Jason wasn’t resisting, and his hold on Ryan’s shirt hadn’t fallen away, and all of that equalled a green light to keep going. Ryan’s eyes were shut, all the hurt and heartbreak from the last month falling to the wayside in that moment. Instead he edged closer, so he could peck the side of Jason’s face when the deep kiss ended, his lips and nose grazing over Jason’s soft skin. “A month is a long time to go without kissing you,” he mumbled, before he did it again, leaving a light wet spot on Jason’s cheek, and then his jawline.

“You taste the same,” Jason murmured with his eyes closed. “Like my Ryan.” He felt Ryan’s lips drift over his skin and he turned his head. This time he was the one to initiate the kiss, and as he tasted Ryan he let his hand relax and move up, cupping his hand around the side of Ryan’s neck. He could feel Ryan’s elevated heartbeat under his thumb. _A month. Already? He’s right. It feels like forever. I’ve missed him._ Despite the wine, Jason could feel his response to Ryan’s kisses, his entire body alight with desire. Though their conversation had been heavy, he could only think now of more kisses and touches, more of everything. Ryan had been his lover for more than three years. It felt like they had only been on a long vacation from each other. He broke the kiss to look into Ryan’s eyes.

“Do you remember that summer when we first started seeing each other, and I had to go to Europe for a few weeks? Do you remember how hard it was to be away from each other, but then how amazing it felt to be together again?” Jason watched Ryan nod his head slightly, his blue eyes locked onto Jason’s face. “That’s how this feels. Like I’ve been waiting to be with you again. I’ve missed you, Ry.” 

It was more than need and lust rushing through Ryan’s body. He felt his insides lift at Jason’s declaration. For the last month he’d felt replaced, like he’d been shoved to the side for someone else, and until recently he had figured that Jason Wakefield hadn’t had a single thought about him. But Jason wasn’t talking like that now, and Ryan desperately wanted to believe him. 

“I remember,” Ryan said, his voice soft as he took a deep breath, the hot passion from the kisses moments ago settling down. “We were still getting to know each other, and I was figuring out how intoxicating it was to have your attention...and then you were gone.” He shut his eyes, the memory flooding back of those lonely summer weeks so many years ago. “That’s when we started texting...when we started texting in code. I couldn’t sleep the night before you got back. I was up, pacing my room. I ate an entire bag of grapes that night,” he admitted, opening his eyes to see Jason’s face mere inches away. “Sweet, red grapes.” He scooted his hand up Jason’s leg. “I’ve really missed you, too.” 

He pressed their lips together, inhaling Jason’s scent and savoring his taste as he did. Wine wasn’t his favorite, but the ghost of it on Jason’s lips and tongue was more than welcome as Ryan scooted himself even closer, his body touching Jason’s now. The thought to climb over, and get between his ex-boyfriend’s legs hit, but Ryan held back. The last thing he wanted to do was scare Jason off or get a big hand against his chest, pushing him away for trying to do too much. _We talked about breakup sex, but I was kidding. He was kidding. He’s an entire relationship past ours, so it wouldn’t even be that. I don’t want to take advantage. He’s a mess...some of the things he’s said tonight._

When Jason pulled out of the kiss, Ryan heard himself whimper. He wanted more, and at the same time he wanted to pace whatever happened. The last thing he wanted was for Jason to declare the night to be a drunken mistake that happened because he was distraught over Mike. _Mike. God, I don’t even want to think about that name._ Ryan shook it away as he sat, his hand clutched to the top of Jason’s thigh, his lips parted as he breathed, and took in the sight of the man he missed in every way possible. _His touch. His looks. The way he kisses me. The way he says my name. The way we lay together and we can talk about things we both have a history with. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. I believe him._

Even though Jason wasn’t entirely sure where all the kisses were heading, his body knew what it wanted, and that was Ryan. His light touches and his kisses - two things about Ryan that were both gentle and passionate - had his blood on fire in the way that only Ryan could, and Jason wanted to be closer. He shifted his body over and parted his legs, the movement causing Ryan’s hand to ride even higher on his thigh. Jason sucked in a sharp breath as his cock twitched inside his thin pajama pants. He could already feel the wet spot in the front of his boxers.

“If we had grapes right now, I’d feed them to you,” Jason husked, sliding his hand down Ryan’s back. “Sweet, red grapes. One at a time.” He pulled Ryan over a little more. “Come on,” he coaxed lightly, his other hand reaching to feel over Ryan’s scruffy jawline with his fingers, “I told you I wouldn’t bite.”

Jason’s eyes were dark, and the sultry tone in his voice called to Ryan like a siren out at sea. There was a moment of thought, of silent debate, before Ryan went the rest of the way over, climbing between Jason’s legs. His hands went to either side of his ex as he stayed up on his knees, keeping space between their bodies. 

Ryan leaned his head down, and gravity wanted to pull him further. It was a different feeling, kissing Jason from overhead rather than side by side or straight on. Ryan’s eyes were closed in trust, as he put one hand to Jason’s hip, massaging him gently as one kiss led to another. 

There was too much space between them, and Jason pulled at Ryan’s back. Their bodies were inches from touching, and he knew he wanted more. He wanted any thoughts of resisting to be gone. It was okay, it was them. Two lovers who had been apart coming back together. Jason pulled out of the kiss and leaned his head back into the pillows a little more, his hands encouraging Ryan to follow. “Kiss me, Ry, more. Come closer,” he pleaded, more impatient than he’d been before. 

Hearing Jason beg for affection wasn’t something Ryan was used to. Not like this. Playful taunts and teases were something that had been part of their bedroom relationship, especially when they were still sneaking around the hallways of YRS. Days apart would send them both into begging, needy mode. 

But this was different, and Ryan could feel it as much as he could hear it in Jason’s strained voice. Ryan dropped to his elbows, his lower half following. He pressed his crotch to Jason’s, slowly at first as he petted soft kisses over his ex’s skin - his neck, and up onto his shoulder. He nuzzled his nose close to Jason’s ear, sucking in his smell and the passion that wanted to come pouring out of him. 

Ryan moved his lips around, pushing Jason’s head back even more as he kissed up under his jaw. He pressed his hips forward a little more before pulling back, just to do it again. He could feel Jason’s hands on his back, one already slipped under his shirt and on his skin. 

Jason’s mind was spinning. Every movement of Ryan’s hips was felt, and he wanted Ryan’s pants off so he could feel more. He opened his eyes a little, a piece of the ceiling and the top of the headboard in his view. Ryan had always pampered him, and tonight was no exception, his soft lips covering every bit of Jason’s exposed skin while he tried not to whimper at every kiss. He reached as far down as he could, his fingers dipping under the waistband of Ryan’s leather pants and then his underwear, savoring the feel of his warm skin. “Ry, you should take these off.” Jason’s breaths were faster and his heart pounding, and tiptoeing around what they wanted was making him anxious. _I think he wants it, I hope he does. I should make sure he does. I’m the one that broke his heart. Maybe he’s just caught up in the moment._

The thought was temporarily sobering. “Ry, baby, I want you to, if you want to.” Jason slammed his eyes shut again and held his breath, his hands still as he waited for Ryan to answer him. After everything they had been through, after the trust that Jason had shattered, he knew Ryan deserved the opportunity to make a rational decision about where things were going. 

_Baby_. The pet name hit Ryan’s heart and he pulled back. It had been a long month of not being touched, or loved, or wanted. It was almost too much to shove down and keep himself in the moment of passion, rather than falling into an ocean of overwhelmed emotions. “I want to,” he answered simply, leaving the complicated words out of it. For a brief second, he recalled what Chester had said about spending time with Mike, how he wanted to make good memories before it was all really over. _I do, too. I want us to have a good last memory._

Ryan sat back on his knees, his body aching for more contact, but he wanted to lavish affection on Jason first. He waved him forward, and smiled when Jason slowly sat up. Ryan reached, pulling Jason’s t-shirt off and tossing it to the far side of the bed before he laid him back down. Ryan’s focus went right to Jason’s small, soft nipples. “My old friends,” he said with a wily smile as he looked up just long enough to catch the look on Jason’s face, before ducking his head. He started on the left, lapping his tongue over the tender skin, and then wrapping his lips around it, pulling the hard nub to the surface.

Jason’s hands went right to Ryan’s hair, lacing through the strands as he gasped. “You’re so naughty sometimes.” He didn’t want to be teased but Ryan was the master of that. He’d always been able to straddle the line between teasing and tenderness. Jason felt the gentle scrape of Ryan’s teeth and his head went back again as he clutched at his hair. “I told you to take off your pants and you took off my shirt. That doesn’t seem right.” 

Ryan let go of Jason’s nipple with a laugh. “I’m the bad boy, remember?” he asked, looking Jason in the eyes. “I’ve got a rep to protect...can’t be following directions.” He could feel his grin almost reaching his ears before he looked down and stuck his tongue out. He slapped it square in the middle of Jason’s chest before running it slowly down to his belly button. “Mmmmm, salty,” he giggled before looking up and licking his lips. “I’ve always loved your skin.” 

“I think you’re drunk,” Jason stated with a matching giggle, squirming as the cool air hit the wet trail Ryan’s tongue left behind. “I’ve just showered. I’m not salty.” He shifted his hips a little bit, trying to get some contact between his cock and Ryan’s face. Or anything. “And you’re being a tease and you know it.” He looked down and his heart stopped at the sight of Ryan’s blue eyes looking up at him. “You’re so gorgeous, you know that?” Jason reached for him again, touching the side of Ryan’s face softly. “Come back here and kiss me, and do it right. None of this ‘I’m not going to really touch you’ business. Bad boy or not, I know you too well. You can’t keep this up.” 

Ryan leaned forward, putting himself back overtop Jason’s body, but stopped before giving away anymore kisses. “Let me try and fix this first,” he stated as he backed off completely, and rolled awkwardly out from between Jason’s legs. “Stupid tight pants,” he complained as he scooted off the end of the bed, and struggled for a minute to get them undone and down. He thought about asking if he should ditch his bright blue underwear, too, but that seemed like an obvious answer. He slipped them down next, leaving everything in a pile on the floor at the end of the bed. He dragged his tank top off as he sat back down. “Well now you have me naked in your hotel room, Jay. Good job.” 

He twisted around and cocked his eyebrow. “Are you leaving me to be naked by myself?” He rubbed his bare arms before he shuffled around and got up on his hands and knees. The bed was so large there was room to crawl, just to get back to where Jason was. “I’m ready to pounce, but you gotta do something with those checkers.”

Jason looked down at his pajama pants and laughed. “We can use these to play a game later. We just need game pieces. Or Skittles.” He fell back on the bed and lifted his hips, shimmying out of the checkered pants. “Is that better? Now we’re both naked in my hotel room. In a bed big enough we can make a mess and still have a whole clean side to sleep on.” Jason held out his hand, letting it fall palm up on the mattress as his eyes raked over what he could see of Ryan’s naked body. His fingers were itching to caress every line of each tattoo. “So tell me… which side of the bed do you want to make a mess on?” 

Ryan crawled over between Jason’s raised knees. He kissed one, then the other. “I think you look pretty comfortable right here.” It was only a few breaths of restraint before his eyes washed down Jason’s entire body, landing on the partially erect cock that was waiting on him. Just the sight of it had Ryan’s dick twitching, like it was happy to see its ex partner. 

Ryan’s hands went to either side of Jason’s hips. He leaned down, and kissed the mushroom head of Jason’s cock, the taste and smell of the most intimate part of his body sent a shiver through Ryan. He kissed it again, and then added his tongue, rolling it around the top, and down the shaft as he listened to Jason moan and hiss above him. He brought his hand in to help, to give stability to things as he worked to get Jason completely hard, until beads of pre-cum leaked from his slit. 

There was a complete familiarity about Ryan’s foreplay that turned Jason on and made him weak at the same time. Years of moments just like these had taught them both exactly the other’s likes and dislikes, and Ryan was taking advantage of that knowledge. Jason could feel the rush of hormones as Ryan’s tongue teased him and tasted him, and the zips of electricity down his legs and in his fingertips had him squirming under his ex-boyfriend’s touch. “God, Ry, you know exactly how to do that,” he panted, trying to gain back a little control over himself. “I want to do it too. I want to taste you,” he requested even though he was moving his hips in time with Ryan’s hand and thoroughly enjoying the warm wetness of his lips and mouth. 

Ryan moved his hand away, just so he could slide Jason’s cock all the way into his mouth, as far as he could get it, before pulling up slowly, sucking as he went. His lips were wrapped tight around Jason’s pulsating shaft, and when he got to his tip, he sucked on it a little harder, before letting go. 

He licked his lips before moving up Jason’s body. He let his cock press against Jason’s as he met him at the top, joining their lips for a kiss. He made sure to make it deep, to suckle Jason’s lip, and to add his tongue. When he broke the first one, he added a second, and then a swift line of pecks to Jason’s neck before whispering, “Okay,” right next to his ear. “Your turn.” 

He carefully moved off of Jason, and laid down on his back. His body was already screaming at him for taking away the warmth and stimulation of simply being naked with someone. He resisted the urge to touch himself while he waited for what was coming next. 

Jason reached over and took Ryan’s hand. He held it tightly while he took a few breaths to calm himself, then sat up. The skin around Ryan’s neck and chest was already flushed pink. Jason let go of Ryan’s hand and leaned over to kiss his shoulder, then ran his hand across his collarbone. “You ready?” he asked, and didn’t have to look to know that Ryan nodded his head yes. It was no secret he loved it when Jason went down on him.

He crawled between Ryan’s legs, taking a moment to run his palms up both thighs and watch Ryan’s legs quiver. The dark hair tickled Jason’s hand and he smiled, leaning over to get closer. He moved one hand to hold his weight on the bed and used the other to trace circles over Ryan’s skin, moving closer and closer to his cock with each pattern he drew. “I love looking at you,” he mumbled, watching how his touch caused Ryan to suck in a breath, or buck his hips, or tremble. Jason lifted his finger to his own mouth and sucked on it while Ryan watched him, then reached out to stroke his wet fingertip down Ryan’s cock. He smiled at the hiss of air that immediately followed. “See? I can tease, too. But just for a minute. The sight of you naked is too irresistible.” 

Jason bent over and licked back up the wet trail he’d just left, this time pulling a moan from Ryan’s lips, before he took the head of Ryan’s cock in his mouth for the first time in weeks. He went right for the slit, prodding his tongue along it gently, leaving enough saliva behind to make things slippery in a moment when he really got serious about things. It only took a few licks and sucks before Jason had to move one hand to Ryan’s hip, holding him in place. He pulled off from his cock head and looked up, clicking his tongue with a smirk. “Now, baby, you know better than that. Hold still.” 

Ryan was breathing hard, his cock and balls already wound tight. “It’s been a really long time,” he reminded his ex. “I’m not going to last long.” He lifted his head from the pillow and looked down at Jason, and his perfectly shaped mouth and lips. “Especially with you down there.”

“I’ll stop when you need me to,” Jason promised, and then he was dropping his head again, taking Ryan back in his mouth and going deeper this time, swirling his tongue and sucking exactly the way he knew Ryan liked best. The way that made his knees shake and his hips move on their own. Jason brought his other hand up to keep Ryan from moving too much, and dipped his head down the shaft a little more before pulling almost all the way off. He played that game a few times, licking and sucking all around, then pulling back, letting his lips curl under the ridge of Ryan’s cock as he sucked on his head and then went back down. Every time he went a little lower, and Jason could hear Ryan’s rapid breathing and knew that if he was going to take him all in, go all the way down, he needed to do it soon. 

The last month of abstinence was working against Ryan. The moment he felt himself being swallowed past halfway, he knew it was too much. He could feel the urge - the tight coil that wanted to pop - inside his body get too close to the edge. Jason was an expert, and he was going to expertly make Ryan come. “Jay,” he gasped, his hand groping at Jason’s dark hair. “God, Jay, you have to stop. I’m going to come.” He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to think of everything not sexy, even as his back arched a little. 

The second Jason heard Ryan’s voice he let up the pressure, relaxing his mouth around Ryan’s cock and coming off of him carefully. He could taste the precum on his lips and tongue, and the scrunched up face Ryan was making told him in no uncertain terms that he’d been close. Jason was careful not to touch anywhere on Ryan’s body as he pulled away and sat back on his knees, a smile covering his face while he watched Ryan regain control. “Don’t do that,” he ordered softly. “Then I’d have to wait to feel you inside of me, and I don’t want to wait.”

For a moment he thought about everything that was happening. He wasn’t feeling the effects of the wine anymore, and the thought of lube, and possibly condoms, hit him suddenly. _I think I’ve got lube in my suitcase. But I know I don’t have condoms. We ditched those as soon as we could. And I haven’t used any with Mike._ He thought about that longer than he wanted to. _But Ry will be on top. I haven’t been with Mike like that. And we’re fine, we’re all clean. Nobody’s been with anyone else. So we don’t need them. We don’t._

Jason took a calming breath and looked at Ryan. His eyes were still closed, but less tightly than before. He dared to reach out and touch Ryan’s knee. “I’ve got lube in my bag,” he offered quietly. “I’m going to get it, don’t go anywhere.” 

Ryan flopped his head to the side, opening his eyes to watch Jason get off the bed. “That’s a direction I can follow,” he assured him, his voice hitchy with heavy breaths. For half a second he thought about asking why Jason would have lube in his bag, but then he decided he really didn’t want to know. Instead he covered his eyes with his arm. “Sorry I’m out of practice,” he mumbled, still trying to think of things that didn’t turn him on, things like moldy food and the dollar amount in his bank account. Cubing up tofu and those stupid smelly flowers that seemed to be all over Talinda’s apartment.

“Don’t apologize,” Jason said, coming back to the bed with the small bottle of lube in his hand. “We’ve had all kinds of sex, Ry. You don’t have anything to prove to me.” It wasn’t going to matter if it was mere minutes or something much longer, Jason’s insides were ready for sex with Ryan, and to feel those tattooed arms around him again. He wanted to enjoy every second it lasted. “What do you think? You want me on my back or on my knees?” He crawled back to Ryan and dropped down, laying his head close to Ryan’s shoulder.

If it was all about pleasure, Ryan would have pulled Jason up on his knees. _But this will probably be our last time together. I don’t want our last time to be like that. I want to see him. I want to kiss him._

It was a quick decision to request that they skip the knees, and instead, stay close. “Right here,” Ryan said, one hand on Jason’s naked hip as he rolled toward him, pulling their bodies together. “I want to see you.” The irony never struck him as he closed his eyes immediately after to kiss Jason over and over, letting their cocks touch as their hands followed suit. Jason’s body was soft, warm, and above both of those things, familiar. His insides ached as he slid his hand from Jason’s hip to his backside, feeling over Jason’s small ass. “Mmmmm,” he hummed into Jason’s mouth, his fingers proding towards the center of Jason’s ass cheeks. He knew he was going to have to stop and add a little lube, but he really didn’t want to let him go. 

Jason pulled back just enough to look at Ryan. _He’s beautiful. I’ve missed him._ He lifted his hand to rub the back of his knuckles over the scruff on Ryan’s jaw. “I’m so ready,” he whispered, wiggling his ass a little more toward Ryan’s seeking hand. “Here.” He prompted Ryan, pushing the lube toward his other hand.

It was enough to almost make Ryan laugh. “Okay, I can take a hint,” he smirked, taking the lube. He made quick use of it, slicking his fingers before he looked back at his ex. He leaned forward, pressing a short kiss to Jason’s cheek. “Lay back,” he whispered. 

He saw the look of anticipation on Jason’s face, how dark his eyes were, and the smile that pulled relentlessly at his lips. Ryan stayed on his side, and slid his hand between Jason’s legs. He only had to prod around for a few seconds before he found his opening. He shut his eyes. In the world of time, a month didn’t sound like much, but it felt like forever to Ryan as he carefully pushed one finger inside of Jason. His whole body squirmed right along with his ex, his hard cock pressing against the side of Jason’s leg as he kissed and nuzzled the side of his face and ear.

“Slow, Ry,” Jason breathed, even though he knew that Ryan would be gentle. The last time he’d been penetrated was the last time he’d been with Ryan, but he wasn’t anxious over surrendering to his ex-boyfriend. Jason trusted Ryan more than he’d ever trusted anyone. It never felt dangerous to give up control to him. He felt Ryan’s gentle touch, the knowing way he moved his fingers and read Jason’s body language to know when to add another. Jason’s fingers clutched at Ryan’s skin, pulling him closer as he enjoyed the way it felt to be with him again. “You’re so good at that,” he whimpered, his breathing erratic.

Ryan’s body was on pins and needles. He couldn’t stop bucking his hips, pressing his dick against Jason’s hairy thigh. The contact wasn’t even half of what he knew it would feel like next, when he would get on top of Jason and they’d really get going. 

By the time he had two fingers inside, scissoring Jason’s opening a little wider, he was having trouble holding back. “I’m ready to devour you,” he said, his breath hot with desire as he lapped his tongue over the shell of Jason’s ear. 

Jason’s stomach twisted in anticipation. “I’m all yours,” Jason breathed, spreading his legs wider and pulling at Ryan. His eyebrows furrowed together as Ryan pulled his fingers away, but that expression melted when his lover settled between his thighs. He could feel the head of Ryan’s cock prodding around and the inevitability of what was coming. Jason turned his head to find the lube again, ready to help Ryan spread it over himself to ease everything along. “Let me help,” he whispered, quickly covering Ryan’s dick and then encouraging him closer, leaving little kisses against his neck before he settled back. “All yours, Ry. Come on, baby.” 

Ryan was still, looking down into Jason’s eyes and face. He felt his heart beat a little stronger, a little harder. Words were lost on him. He wanted to tell Jason again that he missed him, that he’d been carrying around an ache in his soul ever since they’d separated, but he knew that wouldn’t be fair. Tonight was about comfort, not about what was broken between them. 

Ryan leaned forward, balancing his weight on his knees and elbows. “Slow,” he whispered close to Jason’s ear as he felt his lover’s arms wrap around his middle. “I’ll go slow, tell me if I need to stop.” He pressed a quick kiss to Jason’s hair, and then he was on the mission. He pressed his hips down, fumbling a little, but it didn’t take long for muscle memory of Jason’s body to kick in. He got himself lined up, and he pushed forward. He heard the gasp from Jason’s chest the moment his mushroom head pushed through, and Ryan stopped. He was breathing hard, already the badly missed sensation of having sex was all around Ryan as he waited. “Tell me when,” he said, his eyes closed tight as he braced himself to hold steady. 

Jason’s eyes were tightly closed. Ryan’s cheek was pressed against his, and he could feel the prickle of his whiskers as they both held still and breathed in sync. His body took its time relaxing, even though he was willing it to give in. _It’s Ry. He’s safe. He loves me._ “I love you, too,” Jason whispered, not recognizing that Ryan hadn’t said it aloud. He didn’t need to say it. Jason could feel it, and he was ready for Ryan to show him. “I’m good, go ahead.”

The words _I love you_ rang in Ryan’s mind, and his entire body shivered as he pressed his face a little more against Jason’s. His hand on the other side slid over to stroke through Jason’s hair as Ryan pushed a little further in. The sensation running through his dick and into his balls was insane, brought on from such a long dry spell, but it was more than that as Ryan pushed again. “I do,” he said, his insides jumping. “I love you.” 

He didn’t wait to say more. His lips were parted as he breathed, as he pushed all the way in and waited a few seconds before pulling back and pushing back in. It felt glorious, and the moans coming from Jason told him they hadn’t lost their ability to make each other feel good, no matter how long they were apart. 

His slow pushes and pulls picked up pace, and it was only minutes before Ryan’s body was on the brink of letting go. He wanted it to last longer. He wanted to give Jason as much pleasure as he could, and even more than that, he wanted their bodies to stay connected for more than a few minutes, even though he knew it wasn’t an option. He was sweating as he pumped his hips, as his natural rhythm had taken over and Jason’s knees were in the air. He was in deep, and with every thrust, he could feel Jason’s insides squeeze him a little more. 

The feel of Ryan inside him was intensely familiar. Jason pushed his hips into each thrust, meeting his lover halfway. Their bodies remembered each other well. Three years of being lovers hadn’t been lost in a month of separation. His hands were on Ryan’s ass, pulling him in deeper and his body was wound tightly, every part of him tingling with pleasure. Jason arched his back, his neck stretched, and a sound he barely recognized came from his lips. He was begging, but he wasn’t ashamed to do it. Not with Ryan. “Please, Ry, a little more. Lift me up a little. Just a little.” A slightly different angle would have Ryan hitting his prostate, and that would be enough. It was something they’d learned ages ago, and Jason wanted it. “_Please._” 

Ryan’s orgasm was close. It was threatening to hit at any second, but his will was stronger. “Yes,” he half growled and half answered in the breathy voice he couldn’t control at the moment. He leaned to the left as his thrusts slowed almost to a stop. His right hand went under Jason’s arched back, and slid down to just above his ass. He took a deep breath as he leaned back a little, his weight going almost solely on his knees as he grabbed one of Jason’s legs. He pushed it up, and hooked it over his shoulder, bringing Jason’s entire lower half up. 

It was double time on his pacing as Ryan started again. He could feel the angle change, and the extra depth he suddenly felt his cock filling inside of Jason’s bottom. He pressed in, the head of his cock hitting what he knew was Jason’s prostate, and a satisfied moan sprang from his lips.

The sensation of Ryan’s cock hitting his prostate rendered Jason speechless, and his mouth dropped open, a hot flush spreading over his skin. There had never been any trust like what Jason felt with Ryan, and this position, one where he was so helpless, was undeniable evidence of that. His body was completely at Ryan’s mercy, and it was the very best kind of submission, one that gave complete access to that soft place inside that caused stars to dance behind his eyelids. He couldn’t even count the thrusts it took for the stimulation to bring his orgasm, white hot and electric as he moaned his approval for Ryan to hear. Jason was clawing at the bed as he came, as Ryan continued to move his hips and he felt the cum on his stomach. He wanted to tell Ryan he loved him, how good it felt, or both, but he couldn’t do anything but moan helplessly as the waves crashed over him. It was so good, the way it had always been between them. He wanted it to last forever. 

Hearing Jason orgasm, and the extra squeeze his dick felt from it, was more than amazing. Going in, Ryan had worried he’d end up leaving his lover wanting, but those thoughts were all gone as he kept going for a few seconds more, holding out until he felt Jason’s body fade a little under him, the massive tension that had existed as Jason blitzed through his orgasm gone.

Ryan lifted himself up a little, allowing Jason’s leg to fall from his shoulder as he carefully pulled them together a little more. He went at it, knowing it would only be seconds before his own pleasure came crashing through, and he wasn’t wrong. Almost right after Jason had stopped moaning, Ryan started. He felt his release hit, not once but twice, as he came hard. His entire body jerked, like it was being pulled from more than just his balls. He felt the moment his cum left him, and went into Jason, and then he collapsed. His chest was pressed tightly to Jason’s, connected by heat and sweat. His eyes closed, his neck stretched to its limit off to the side of his lover’s head. His heart was beating so quickly, Ryan wasn’t sure he could move just yet.

Jason’s hands felt weighted as he lifted them to run down Ryan’s sweaty back. He loved the weight of Ryan on top of him, the way their bodies were still locked together, the smell of sex in the air. Everything felt right, like something lost had clicked back into place. Jason refused to think past tonight. “That was fantastic,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Ryan’s sweaty temple. “_You’re_ fantastic.” He took as deep a breath as he could manage with Ryan still clinging to him and before he could change his mind, added, “stay tonight, Ry. Stay with me.” 

The invitation brought Ryan’s tired head up off the mattress. He looked Jason in the eyes and smiled. “I’d love to.” He kissed his cheek, and then reminded Jason to hold still so he could pull out. Like they’d started, Ryan took it slow. He winced when he saw Jason’s face twist at the uncomfortable sensation. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, as he pulled out anyway. He sat back on his knees. His body was exhausted, but seeing Jason sprawled out in front of him, naked and spent, it brought the biggest grin to Ryan’s face. 

He cupped Jason’s nearby knee, squeezing it gently. “You going to live?” he asked with a cheeky inflection. 

“I might make it,” Jason teased back tiredly. “I don’t know, though. You might have to kiss me at regular intervals, just to check and see if I’m making it.” A slow smile spread over his face as he looked at Ryan’s naked chest, thinking about getting him in the shower and the two of them getting clean together. 

“I think I can be trusted with that responsibility,” Ryan assured him before he let his knee go and spun awkwardly on the bed. He sat down on his bottom, and let his legs hang off the side of the mattress. His body still felt like electricity was zapping through it, though it was fading quickly. He hung his head, taking his time as he breathed and worked out the next few steps. “What do you want, Jay?” he asked, twisting his head around to look at his lover. “Are you getting up or do you want me to bring back something to clean you up?”

“Let’s shower,” Jason suggested, his voice equally happy and fatigued. “A quick one, then we can get back in this big bed and I just want to feel you close.” He pushed away the thought of getting up and leaving in the morning, of going back to Seattle alone. “Come on,” he said, sitting up and swinging his legs gingerly over the side of the bed. It had been a little while, and things were a little tender. 

Ryan looked up, and reached for Jason’s hand before he stood himself up. “A drink, sex, and a shower. It’s like I hit the jackpot,” he teased, squeezing Jason’s hand before turning to lead them to the bathroom he hadn’t even seen yet. His body was tired, and his mind wasn’t far behind it. He wanted to get clean and then crawl in bed, just like Jay had suggested. It was the perfect plan. 

He stepped into the bathroom first, flipping on the light and jumping back a half a step from the bright light compared to the dim living space of the hotel room. “Man, burn my eyeballs out,” he laughed before he shook it off. His eyes adjusted quickly and he looked around the rather large bathroom, which included double sinks, a massive shower, a soaking tub and a water closet. Ryan glanced in the mirror that hung over the bathroom vanity. He pressed his hand down his naked front for a minute, looking at his pale skin that was still flushed, and the glow in his eyes and face. “Look,” he said, his gaze flipping to Jason in the mirror. “You lit me all up inside.” 

Jason stepped over to the mirror, looking first at Ryan, then at himself. Ryan’s skin was paler than his underneath all the ink, but the pink tint from exertion was there, and it was obvious. Jason was also still warm. He caught Ryan’s eyes in the mirror. “That’s a sexy glow on you, baby. I hate to shower it away.” Jason reached to turn on the warm water at the sink so they could wash their hands. 

Ryan stepped behind Jason, taking a moment to wrap his arms around his middle and rest his chin on his shoulder before he looked up at the mirror. “I’m glad you texted me tonight.” He turned his head and pressed his lips to Jason’s cheek, sucking in his warmth and scent. 

“And I’m glad you came. I was afraid you wouldn’t,” Jason admitted, watching Ryan’s lips in the mirror as they drifted over his skin. “I’m glad you’re staying the night.” He stopped himself from saying anything more. He didn’t want to ruin what they had going on for the evening. _I have to leave tomorrow, and he’ll stay here. And who knows what will happen after that._ Jason closed his eyes and tried to memorize the feel of Ryan behind him, holding him close, the protection he always felt in Ryan’s embrace.

“I am, too,” Ryan agreed. He didn’t want to let Jason go just yet. He took an extra minute, kissing his face and neck and by his ear. He pulled him a little closer, but only for a second before he let him go. “We’ll never get back to bed like this,” he said, stepping away to the other sink to wash his hands for real. He heard Jason’s sink come on as they stood side by side. _Chester was right. Good memories are important. I’m glad we have this one. I’m always going to remember this night. I didn’t want him to leave without us saying goodbye. Or maybe it won’t be goodbye forever._

Ryan looked up and smiled as he snuck a peek at Jason in the mirror. _My sweet Jason. I’m going to miss him even more now._ It was the first thought of many as Ryan finished up. He knew Jason was leaving in the morning, and that he was scheduled to meet Chester and take him breakfast. He was pretty sure everything that had happened between him and Jason over the weekend wasn’t going to be on the list of things to share with Chester. _Everything’s so crazy with the four of us, Chazzy knowing would just upset him, I think._ It was an odd thought to keep a secret from Chester, but as Ryan stood at the sink, watching Jason get the shower ready by vantage point of the mirror, Ryan knew that tonight would be just between them. 

****  
TBC


	40. A Hard Reset

It was a rough night. There had been lots of calls and text messages back and forth with Mike over what had happened, but Chester felt good about it. Despite the terrible situation Mike had walked into, with Jason at the loft waiting on him and calling him out on where he’d been all weekend, Mike had told him the truth, and had stood up for Chester and the love between them. He’d sent Jay on his way, and just the knowledge - the reality - that Jason Wakefield was on his way to Seattle and wasn’t coming back, was a source of comfort for Chester. 

He was almost excited when Ryan walked into his bedroom with breakfast from the shop around the corner. Chester had so much to tell him, and if his ankle wasn’t propped up on two pillows, he probably would have jumped up and hugged him. “You’re here,” he said instead, a large smile on his face as he stayed where he was on the bed. The television was on, but turned down low, and Chester left it that way as Ryan closed the bedroom door and sat down beside him. 

“And why wouldn’t I be here?” Ryan asked as he handed one of the two coffees he’d brought in over. He watched as Chester grinned and took a sip, not even looking under the lid to make sure it was mixed right. It had been a rushed morning, waking up late at the hotel, with Jason in his arms. Ryan let out a soft sigh as he thought back over how things had gone, not just last night as he and Jason reunited physically and sexually, but how they’d woken up, and more kisses had happened. They hadn’t had time for breakfast, which Ryan was bummed about. He’d been ready to make the sacrifice and have breakfast with Jason first, and then again with Chester. _Second breakfast. I was ready for it. But it worked out really well anyway._

Ryan had taken Jason back to LAX himself, and had walked with him all the way to security, holding hands. _Right out in public. He took me by the hand and we were all over that airport before I had to leave him. He even kissed me goodbye. A real kiss._ It was on that blissful memory that Ryan took a good look at Chester. “You look happy,” he mentioned, not missing the bright aura around his friend. It was the first time in a long time he’d actually seen Chester look like Chester. Even over the last week, after he’d sat and listened while Chester confessed he was going to spend time with Mike, he didn’t look happy. Not really. He looked like a sad person trying to be happy. _But not anymore. Something’s changed. Something happened._

“I am happy,” Chester chirped as he grabbed for the paper bag Ryan had sat on the bed between them. He could already smell the fresh made pancakes that were inside, and his stomach screamed at him to eat all of them. He pulled both planet-friendly, biodegradable containers out, handing one to Ryan and putting the other one in his lap as he dug further into the bag. “I hope you got extra syrup.” 

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Whatever, crack addict. You _know_ I got plenty of syrup. And if not, Amir’s got some.” 

Chester’s jaw dropped. “I am _not_ a crack addict,” he stated, just as he pulled six baby tub containers of maple syrup out of the bag. “Fuck, how sexy are these?” He held them up, a full grin on his face. 

Ryan’s heart swelled a little. Sitting close with Chester was always a pleasure. He was his closest friend, the person he could tell anything and everything, too. It had been a hard reality to swallow when Chester had turned down his offer for them to be more than friends, and even though Ryan respected that, and deep down he knew Chester was probably right, that they’d never be more than friends with benefits, a part of him wished they’d still give it a try. _Or I did. I don’t know now._

Ryan cleared his throat as he nodded. “Sexy as hell, Chaz. Half of those are mine,” he made sure to say as he took the bag and dug out their plastic silverware and the two little containers of butter. _I know Jay and Mike broke up yesterday. I don’t want to tell him I know though. It would probably rub him the wrong way to know I saw Jay twice over the weekend. Spent the night with him last night. He’s not Chaz’s favorite person right now, which is understandable._ “So, how did your weekend finish up?” he asked, as they started to spread butter and syrup over their pancakes. 

“Oh my God,” Chester said, as he sat forward a little, a tub of syrup in his hand. “I was so caught up with talking to Mike last night I forgot to call you! Jason showed up over the weekend while we were gone.” 

Ryan faked a shocked face. “He was in L.A.?” he asked, hating that he was _almost_ lying. 

Chester nodded. “Yes. He showed up and, obviously, Mike wasn’t there. They broke up last night and Mike’s not going to Seattle!” Chester was practically bouncing up and down. “He told Jay that he loved _me_ and that he made a mistake and how we’re going to be together now. Really back together.” 

The pure joy and excitement in Chester’s voice was almost alarming. Ryan poured his syrup over his stack of three pancakes. Ever since Amir had said it, Ryan had suspected that Mike was ultimately going to stay and try to get back with Chester, despite how ugly things had gotten between them. Ryan dropped his first empty syrup tub back into the bag. “So, Jason caught you guys and that’s when Mike decided you guys should try again?” he asked, trying to phrase things right. 

Chester was already drowning his pancakes in syrup number three before he looked over. “No,” he corrected quickly. “We talked about it before we were even back in town. We were playing cards at the hotel and talking and Mike...he kinda freaked out.” Chester dropped his empty syrup container in the bag, took a sip of coffee and then chopped off a piece of drippy pancake to shove in his mouth. “He told me he wasn’t going to Seattle. That even if I wouldn’t take him back, he wasn’t going because being with Jason isn’t right and that he wants us to try again.” 

Ryan put his plate of pancakes off to the side so he could pull his leather jacket off. He tossed it to the end of the bed, before situating himself. His long legs were stretched out in front of him. He tugged on his white muscle shirt a little and stretched his neck, all while he thought. Hearing that Mike had chosen Chester before he knew Jason was going to catch them together was a good thing. It was the best thing Chester could have said. _I still don’t like him...but I know Chaz loves him, for God knows what reason. Jeez, I’m sure someone looking in from the outside would say the same thing about me still having feelings for Jay._ “Well that’s good you guys talked about it before he knew Jay was here,” he offered, taking his pancakes back, along with a sip of coffee. “But, are you sure?” he asked, even though he knew it was pointless. No matter what he said about Mike Shinoda, no matter how many times he’d tried to get Chester to see that he was dating an asshole, it never did any good. 

Chester didn’t answer right away. He knew without having Ryan spell it out, exactly what he was asking. It was an old conversation between them. On the one hand, he was getting tired of defending his choices with Mike, but on the other hand, he knew everything Ryan did or asked was coming from a good place. A place of love and concern. 

“Yeah,” Chester finally said after swallowing down a bite of pancake, the sugary syrup already coursing through his system. “I’m sure. I’ve always been sure, Ry.” He glanced over at his friend, and he caught Ryan’s piercing blue eyes. “It’s going to be better this time,” he assured him softly. “We talked about everything.” 

Ryan’s shoulders slumped a little as he looked away and down at his food. “Everything, like?”

“Like, no more cheating, obviously,” Chester filled in as he cut off his next piece of pancake with the side of his fork. “And I told him he can’t lie to me anymore, that we have to tell each other the truth. And how I don’t ever want anything around my neck again. Ever.” 

Ryan looked over. “You told him that?” 

“Yup,” Chester affirmed without issue. He took his next bite, and swallowed the sweetness down quickly. “We talked about my meds, and I told him that there’s going to be times when I can’t have sex. That they mess with me sometimes and there might be days or weeks when things aren’t lining up, and he said he understood. He promised me it wouldn’t make a difference.” Chester’s confident tone faded as he slowed down. “I know he promised me that once before and he broke it, but it’s going to be different this time.” 

“And if it’s not?” Ryan asked, carefully. 

Chester sat quietly, staring down at his one and a half pancakes he had left. “Then that’s it. I told him, Ry. If I go through a dry spell and he goes off with someone else, then we’re done. And we really will be next time. I love him, and I want us to try, but I’ve got my guard up about it, too. He’s going to have to earn some trust back,” he said, looking over. “That’s fair, right? I want to trust him, but I don’t want to go into this blind either. I mean, well, you know what he did to me.” 

“Oh, I know what he did,” Ryan grumbled as Mike and Jason’s faces flashed through his mind. He knew he and Jason had been drifting apart long before Mike had become the other man, but it was also obvious to Ryan that Mike’s presence at the loft had been a big factor in why after three years of giving everything he had to Jason, he was tossed aside so easily. “And I think it’s more than fair, Chaz. Giving him a second chance at all is beyond generous. You know what he’s capable of now, so you can keep your eyes open for red flags.” 

“I’m going to,” Chester stated, holding his cup of coffee close to his lips. “I’m not going to keep bringing it up to him or hold it over his head or anything, because that’s not moving on. But I’m not going to be naive about it, either. If you would have asked me six months ago if Mike would ever cheat on me, I would have laughed and said no fucking way. Well, I know that’s not true now.” His own words caught him off guard, and Chester closed his eyes as he took a sip of coffee. He’d always held Mike Shinoda up a little higher, thought of him in a different moral category than most people. But not anymore. _Which is good. He’s human, just like me. Like all of us._

“You know,” Chester said slowly, “when Mike and I first started dating, you and I were still having sex.” 

“For work,” Ryan cut in immediately. 

“I know, but we were still doing it. That hurt Mike, and I think I understand that better now.” He took a long sip of coffee before he set it off to the side. “We talked about Score, too. I told him he can’t put me down about it anymore, and if we’re going to be together I need to either quit, or he’s going to have to be supportive.” 

“Chazzy, we talked about this,” Ryan whined immediately as life at Score without Chester suddenly shot through his mind. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not quitting,” Chester assured him, reaching over to give his bare arm a quick squeeze. “Mike actually told me not to quit. We talked all about it, and he’s going to try and do better...be more positive and if he’s not, I’m going to call him out on it.” 

Ryan swallowed down his extra big bite of pancake before he said, “Woah. This was really some talk you guys had.” 

Chester smiled, his grin sweet with syrup. “It was. And we talked about you.” He waited to catch the look on Ryan’s face before he went on. “I told Mike that we’re friends and that I still want to spend time with you, that I like us being together, but he’s gotta trust me.” 

“And he agreed to that?” Ryan asked, even though he doubted everything Mike had said. 

“Yeah. I promised him I’d keep a stricter line with you, which we’ve already been doing.” Chester stopped as he let out a long breath. He reached over and put his hand on Ryan’s forearm. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “You and me, we’ve always been so close. I know I let it get out of hand. It hasn’t been fair.” 

“Chaz, no,” Ryan tried to argue, but Chester put his hand up to stop him. 

“No, it’s been wrong, Ry. I love you, you know that, but we’re friends, and you’re so good for me. Just being with you and having you close is good, but I, I abused that.” Chester dropped his eyes to the bed, and how little space there was between the two of them. “I want us both to be healthy and happy, Ry, and that includes making sure we all know where we stand. You’re my friend, and I don’t ever want to lose that because I’m needy or I lean on you in ways I should be leaning on Mike.” 

It was one more piece of reality that clicked into place in Ryan’s heart. The days of kissing on Chester, holding him around the waist, sharing a bed occasionally and talking sex and feeling up his leg or back or hair, was over. Chester had already been keeping him at a greater distance over the last few weeks, a phase that Ryan had figured would eventually come to an end once Chester got over Mike. 

But that wasn’t happening, and now Ryan knew it never would. Mike or no Mike, Chester was putting their very close friendship back behind the line that had become so blurry over the last few years. It was final, and Ryan felt that as much as he heard it from Chester’s lips. _Which he’s right. It’s a good thing - a healthy thing - for all of us to know where we stand. He’s my friend, and he loves Mike. And me? Well, guess me and Jay will sort that out. Maybe. He’s in a whole different state now._

It was a depressing thought, and Ryan shoved it away to be in the here and now. Jason was another matter, one he’d have to wait and see if anything else would grow from their last night together or if it would be nothing but a happy memory. “I love you, too,” he said softly as he looked over and found Chester’s bright brown eyes looking at him hopefully. “And you’re good for me, too. You’ve always been good for me, and if that stays inside friendship, then that’s where we’ll keep it.” He took Chester’s hand, kissed it quickly and then let it go. “So that’s it, huh? What are you guys going to do?” he asked, before the next thought struck him. “Isn’t all of Mike’s stuff in Seattle?” 

Chester let out a long breath that he knew Ryan heard, which was okay. They were going to be just fine as friends, and more importantly, Chester was going to get to keep both Ryan and Mike in his life, which is the way he wanted it. The way he needed it. “Mike’s going to go up and get it. We talked forever last night, he’s going to take our friend Joe with him. I mean, I’d go,” Chester made sure to say, pointing at himself with his fork, “but I’d be useless.” 

“Hop-a-long Chaz,” Ryan laughed, just as Chester elbowed him. 

“You’re _so_ funny,” Chester grumbled with an eye roll before he glared at his hurt ankle and then gave up being pissed about it. “It sucks. If I wasn’t broken, I’d be right there to go with him. It’s going to be awful for him. He said their talk last night was painful.” 

Ryan took his last bite of pancake before setting his container to the side for good. He grabbed his coffee and leaned back against the pillow behind him. “What did he say?” he asked, trying to sound casual. Even though he’d asked Jason how things went last night, his ex hadn’t been very forthcoming with the details. In fact, he’d given no details. 

Chester shrugged as he finished off his food as well. “Not a whole lot. He said Jay was calm at first, sitting at the table and drinking wine and asking questions and then got mad and then, I don’t know. Mike said he kind of shut down on him.” 

_Shut down._ Ryan closed his eyes, his coffee cup resting on his leg. He’d seen Jason shut down more times than he’d like. He’d watched for years as Jason’s eyes would glaze over, his soul hidden, and he’d do whatever had to be done when it came to Mark or YRS dealings. It was a sight he hated to see, and a new kind of fire burned in his stomach against Mike Shinoda for causing Jason to go through that even now that Mark was gone. _But he wasn’t shut down when I saw him last night. Even when our conversation got heavy, he stayed with me through the whole thing. He was fully present. Even this morning, he was really there, not just his shadow._

“He does that,” Ryan whispered as he stared down at the white lid of his coffee cup. “When he gives up, he goes cold. Numb,” he clarified with a tough swallow. “I’ve seen it way too many times.” 

Chester looked over. Ryan’s face had completely dropped. “God, I’m a rotten friend,” Chester said. “Does it bother you to talk about Jay? Ry, I’m sorry. I know you still miss him.” He hated how self-involved he knew he could be sometimes, especially lately. Especially with all things concerning Mike. He decided quickly that he wouldn’t repeat anything else that Mike had said. He wouldn’t mention Jason talking about how perfect life would have been with Mike or how he’d tried to convince Mike to still go with him, even after finding out where he’d been all weekend. 

Ryan shook his head. “It’s okay. I asked. And yeah, I still miss his cheating ass.” He tried to smile as he looked over at Chester, but that dropped away quickly. Chester knew him well, and making corny jokes wasn’t going to fly. Chester would see his hurt - or maybe that he was hiding something - and Ryan didn’t really want to talk about it. “So, Joe, huh? He’s your old karate instructor, right?” 

Chester watched Ryan for a second, but the message was clear. Whatever Ryan was thinking, he didn’t want to talk about it. “Yeah,” Chester told him, taking a drink. “He’s Mike’s friend, too. Did I ever tell you that? That’s how I met Mike, he was at the karate studio to see Joe. He’s going to drive up with him this weekend and get his stuff.” 

Ryan nodded. He’d never met Joe, but he’d heard stories. Chester had always described him as a karate master - a black belt - which Ryan knew was a big deal. “He wouldn’t do any of that karate stuff on Jay, would he?” he asked, even though seconds after the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. If he could go back in time, he would have kept his mouth shut. 

Chester narrowed his eyes. “No,” he said, cocking his head. “He wouldn’t do anything like that. Joe’s a good guy. If Jason is cool about everything and just lets Mike get his stuff and leave, then I can’t imagine that anything crazy will happen.” 

Ryan sat forward, his one leg falling off the side of the bed. “I’m sure it will be fine. I want things to work out between you two,” he said, looking Chester’s way. “But not sure I can handle being around him. At least not yet. And I’m not trying to be a dick.” 

“No, no, of course not,” Chester agreed right away as he sat forward, too. “Don’t worry. I told Mike that I’d find a balance, that some nights me and you would go out and do something and then some nights he and I would, that way you guys don’t have to see each other.” 

Ryan quickly looked around the room. He wasn’t sure why, but the moment Chester had said that he and Mike were back together, he’d assumed they’d be living together. “So, you’re not going to move back in together?” 

Chester shook his head. “Jay’s going to sell the loft, and Mike’s going to stay at Joe’s, actually.” He looked down at his lap and his coffee cup that was there. “I told him I didn’t want to jump right back into living together. I mean, first of all, there’s no room for him here, and this isn’t my place. It’s Amir’s. And secondly, living together is a trust thing, and he’s gotta prove to me that he’s really in this with me. It’s like we’re starting over, to some degree.” 

_Starting over._ It was a flutter of a thought over Ryan’s mind as he thought about Jason in that moment, and the idea that maybe they could start over, too. Maybe. One day, down the line when all the dust settled and their hearts weren’t so damaged. “Do you really think it will work?” he asked. “Starting over, I mean.” 

“I think so,” Chester answered honestly. “We just need a reset. We need to get back to each other, and sort out what that means and how that works, and I think we’ll be fine. It’s going to be healthy space between us this time around, not the emotional space that made things complicated. We’re going to reset and refresh and he’s going to be the Sexy Boy I’ve missed so much.”

****

Monday wasn’t a day that Mike had ever disliked, until this Monday. The Monday after he took his world that had been set on tilt and fixed it upright again. The Monday after Jason left, the Monday after he was honest with Chester. Making everything right had somehow managed to make a chaotic mess of things at the same time, but he had a plan. It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was enough for him to get started when he left work that afternoon.

The first trip over to Joe’s was easy. He’d loaded up his car with as much as it could take - clothes, shoes, and a crate of sheet music and books. When he got to Joe’s place, his wife Heidi greeted him warmly, their new baby girl Lola on her hip, and led him to the small guest room next to the nursery. They’d chatted for a few minutes and when Lola got fussy, Heidi excused herself to go tend to the baby. 

It was roughly the same size as the space he’d occupied at Anna’s, back before he met Chester. Mike sat down on the corner of the full sized bed and looked around at the neat, womanly looking space. There was a small white dresser with an oval mirror above it and a collection of empty blue vases of various sizes on top. The quilt on the bed was white and blue, and the curtains were white. Everything was white, and Mike thought about all of the paint he would be bringing from Seattle in a few days. _I’ll have to keep that stuff boxed up. Maybe Joe’s got room in the garage. I don’t want to get anything on Heidi’s stuff._

They hadn’t talked about how long Mike would need to stay, and even though Joe had told Mike to consider the house his place until he was able to find something permanent, Mike already felt like he was imposing. _Joe’s got a wife and a baby. This isn’t a long-term solution. I really need to figure stuff out. Fast. I don’t even have a computer. I’ve got to finish my USC application and schedule my audition and work on my financial aid. I need somewhere to live, and a job. After Friday I won’t even have a job._ He felt the panic starting to bubble up inside and he squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. This was a moment he wished Chester was there, holding his hand and telling him it was all going to work out. _Get it together, Mike. You’ve been on your own before. You’ve started with nothing, and nowhere to go, and you made it. You can do it again. Breathe._

After a few minutes of focus, Mike pulled his thoughts into a healthier space and stood up to go out to the car. He worked quietly, taking his clothes inside and putting them away, hanging his flannels in the closet and unloading his t-shirts and boxers into the dresser. A clean scent wafted from every opened drawer, and he caught sight of a small sachet in the back of the dresser labeled _Rain_. He rolled his eyes, knowing all of his clothes would smell like the stuff before long. It wasn’t the beach and peaches, and his heart longed for Chester. 

_I promised myself I wouldn’t call him and whine about all of this. All of it is my fault, and he’s had it far worse than I have the past few weeks. He’s not whining. I don’t get to whine._ He blinked a few times and pulled his focus in again. Getting sidetracked by self-pity or having a panic attack wasn’t going to make things easier. He didn’t allow himself to think of Jason, or what he was doing right now in the houseboat in Seattle. Saturday afternoon would be uncomfortable enough without spending the week worrying about how Jason was handling everything. He and Joe were going to make the drive right after work on Friday, switching off to make the seventeen hour drive overnight. Mike figured it would take an hour, tops, to get his things, and then they’d be on their way back to L.A., Jason’s chapter in Mike’s life over.

Mike brought the last bit in from his car and decided to head on back to the loft and get the rest, to just get it over with. There wasn’t much. His keyboard and his pillow, and his things from the bathroom. _One last trip, and that will be it. I won’t have to go back to the loft. That part will be over. That’s a good thing, to put it all in the past. I want to move on from it all. Saturday can’t get here fast enough._

It was a mixture of feelings. So many good things had happened in the loft, but so many bad things, too. He remembered the first night upstairs with Chester and the blow jobs. He remembered the week Chester left him there and went to Hawaii, and Mike had missed him so much it ached. There were countless meals and movies, games and showers, painting and practicing. Their first time making love - he’d lost his virginity in that loft. They’d fought and made up, they’d made an entire life together in that intimate space. They’d foolishly lived with their friends and he’d ruined their life together in that very same loft. Mike shook his head as for the hundredth time he went over every crossed line, jealous word, and betrayal that had happened in the very same place he and Chester had made their sanctuary. _It will feel good to walk out and leave it behind. Start over fresh, make things right that I messed up. Say goodbye to Jay._

There was just a small pinch to his heart as Jason wedged his way into Mike’s thoughts again. The months of flirting and touches and kisses that blurred all the lines. He’d been so stupid, so selfish, to let Jason pull him away from Chester. _But that’s over now. We ended it, and I’m moving out tonight. I’m going to earn back his trust in me. We’re going to start over._

By the time he’d gotten back to the loft and put the last of his things into the car, it was dark outside. Mike went upstairs and stood at the top, looking at the bedroom he’d shared with Chester one last time. He could barely make out anything with the lights off, but his memory filled in the rest of the room, the way it had looked when he and Chester lived together. He could clearly see the red and black blanket, the paintings, the closet with all of Chester’s shoes. He could picture all the times he’d climbed the stairs and Chester would be stretched out, naked, waiting for him. Things weren’t going to be like that anymore. They were apart, even if they were in a relationship again. It was a tough realization, that though they were working on things, it would be a while until it was all back to normal. _I just have to have faith we’ll get back to us. Eventually._

He said goodbye to the loft, and turned to go down the stairs for the last time. The bed in the corner was stripped bare, like the one upstairs, and Mike didn’t give it a second glance. It was a symbol of all that had gone wrong. The only thing that made him linger was the row of windows, and he was drawn to them as he had been so many times before. It was a place he’d stood thinking on more occasions than he could count, and he walked over to them now, checking to see that the locks were in place before he squinted into the darkness. Just like upstairs, his mind filled in the ocean view and the sounds that came with it, and he said his goodbyes to both. Joe’s house had neither, and Mike knew he would miss the water.

On his way out, he hesitated in the kitchen, wondering for the first time what he should do with the key to the loft. Mike knew he needed to ask Jason, as much as he hated the thought of calling. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since they’d broken up. _I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want him in my head. I’ll just text him._ He dug his phone from his pocket and pulled up his text thread with Jason, ignoring the few older texts he could see.

**Mike**: _I moved my stuff out tonight. Where would you like me to leave the key?_

Mike bit down on his bottom lip as he pressed send.

Jason heard the _ding!_ from his phone. It was across the room, on the table where he’d left it when he came in after work. His suitcase was on the floor, still packed, and he had no interest in dealing with it tonight. The remnants of Chinese takeout were on the bar, and he could smell the teriyaki sauce from where he was laying on the couch. The thought to ignore the text message was there, but the idea that it might be Ryan fluttered across his mind.

_Would he text me? When we said goodbye at the airport, it didn’t feel like a forever goodbye. Maybe I should have texted him when I landed. He probably thinks I don’t want to talk to him. It’s probably not him._ Jason didn’t know who else it could be. His phone had been silent all day. 

The entire flight home had been fueled with the memories of last night, of Ryan’s warm embrace, the _break-up sex_ that had been so amazing. Then work pulled his thoughts away from his ex-boyfriend, and he’d been busy all day trying to play catch-up for coming into the office three hours late on just his second week of training. It had all been enough to keep out of his mind the thought of how lonely the houseboat was now that he knew Mike wasn’t coming. But once he was home, once he’d picked at his food and retreated to the couch, it was obvious how alone he was. Even the phone had been silent, and Jason had felt the self-pity creeping back in while he stared at the ceiling.

It was hard to avoid looking at the stacks of Mike’s belongings. It was hard to push away the anger over the entire situation and his frustration at himself for jumping in so quickly, purchasing the house and all the furniture as though he and Mike had been together for years. A part of him felt played, but another part of him was sympathetic to the entire thing. He had, after all, stolen Mike right out from under Chester’s nose. If he could set aside his own hurt feelings of rejection, Jason could recognize that Mike had just come to his senses as soon as Jason had given him room to breathe. It was hard to be understanding, especially when he’d pushed Ryan away in the process. Ryan could be with him now, if he hadn’t been chasing something else, a life that wasn’t even his.

Jason closed his eyes and tried to picture Ryan in the houseboat, but the image didn’t work. Instead his mind brought up the city apartment again, the backdrop of exposed brick and the sleek industrial look of the rest of the space. It was easier to picture his Ryan that way, his black leather jacket slung over the back of a dining chair and his blue eyes full of love and admiration. Despite how last night had gone, Jason was pretty sure that image would only ever be a fantasy. 

The _ding!_ of the waiting text summoned him again, and Jason reluctantly got up to go get his phone. All the warm thoughts of Ryan were gone when he saw Mike’s name on the lock screen. _What does he want?_ He opened the text and reflexively clutched his hand to the front of his t-shirt as he read Mike’s message stating he was already moved out.

_Already? Where did he go? I guess he just went right back to Chaz. I can’t believe Chaz took him back like that. No, I can. He’s always been forgiving. Too forgiving. Well, I hope they’re happy together._ Jason’s thoughts turned bitter in an instant. The idea that Mike would just go back to his life with Chester while he was in Seattle, alone, was heavy. _He was the one angry when I told Ryan about Seattle. I should have known, when Chaz shaved his head. That was my sign, and I ignored it. He was never one hundred percent with me. Now he gets his boyfriend back. It’s not fair._ Jason wanted to call Mike and tell him just how unfair it all was, but he knew it wouldn’t make any difference. 

**Jason**: _Great. I’ll have the locks changed tomorrow. Don’t worry about the key._

He pressed send and realized his knees were shaking. _It’s almost too easy. Everything just goes back to normal for him. Everything goes back to normal for Mike, and Ry hasn’t even texted me._ Jason sat down at the table and stared at his phone. He wanted to see Ryan’s name pop up, something quick and clever, something to make him feel like he wasn’t completely lost in the universe. His whole life felt adrift, and it was a feeling that he hadn’t had in years, since before Mark. 

**Mike**: _Thanks_

Jason stared at the phone. _Thanks. Thanks? That’s all I get from him after all this, is thanks?_

In the hallway, Mike turned back toward the loft, the key in hand. He only hesitated for a second before he turned the lock for the final time, a feeling of satisfaction hitting him at the sound. _That’s it, Ches, we’re finished with this place._ He pulled up Chester’s number to call and tell him. 

****

The upstairs windows were all open. Jason could hear the water down below, gently hitting the side of the dock and other homes around his. It was surprisingly cool, and he’d actually pulled a pair of flannel pajama pants from the dresser to go with his long sleeved shirt after his shower. The bedroom was barely illuminated by the dim lights of the world outside, but that was fine with him. Not being able to see the inside of the room was better right now. He could close his eyes and forget everything from the past few days.

He’d waited twenty minutes after Mike’s last text before he went upstairs and showered in silence. It was easier to just ignore everything. Put every feeling he had, every emotion about the entire weekend in a locked box in his mind. The shock of betrayal, his desperation not to lose Mike, the joy that Ryan’s presence brought - all of it, good and bad - it was easier to pretend it was happening to someone else. Jason had been there more times than he could count. There were things that were too powerful, too overwhelming, to meet head on. There were so many things he couldn’t deal with on his own.

It was so much easier not to think about Mike, than to wonder if he was with Chester. It was easier to decide that last night with Ryan really had just been about break-up sex, and not anything more meaningful. It was easier to forget about them both than try to nurse hurt feelings for one and hope for the other. It didn’t matter that it was mostly dark inside the bedroom. He wasn’t looking at anything anyway. He wasn’t even sure if he was asleep or awake. Everything was dark and numb. 

When his phone vibrated, Jason’s first thought was that something outside was moving. The sound didn’t even register to him as a normal, everyday sound. It was from another space in his life. He ignored it and concentrated on listening to the silence afterwards. The second time it vibrated, something clicked in his brain that told him to roll over and reach for the phone on the nightstand. He caught the illuminated screen right before it went to black, and grabbed it. For a second he couldn’t comprehend that it was Ryan’s name this time on his lock screen, and his heart skipped a beat. 

**Ryan:** _Standing in the kitchen, putting no sugar, low calorie marshmallows in my skim milk hot chocolate. Had to think of you :) Hope your flight went okay._

The memory tugged at Jason’s brain. _That was here. In Seattle. I covered him in marshmallows._ He felt his heart beat a little faster.

**Jason:** _The flight was fine. Not as fine as you covered in marshmallows._

He pressed send before he could reconsider, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

**Ryan:** _You just made me spit my hot chocolate out when I read that. That was a good night. One I still daydream about._

**Jason:** _It WAS a great night. But I think last night takes the cake._

Jason sat up, scooting backwards in the bed and propping himself up on his pillow. He hadn’t realized how low he’d been feeling until Ryan texted, and already he was feeling better, like a fog had been lifted from his head.

**Ryan:** _It was amazing. I didn’t want to say it last night, but I kinda hate the idea of you being so far away. Selfish, I know._

It was on Jason’s fingertips to type, _then come see me_, but he didn’t want to ruin the vibe. It would be awful if Ryan made an excuse or outright said no. He didn’t think he could take it tonight, not after everything else that had gone on.

**Jason:** _You’ve never been selfish, Ry._

**Ryan:** _I can be. Anyway, I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, and make sure your flight went okay. I’m going to go lay in bed and drink my hot chocolate and read. _

Jason looked at the text twice. _Read? I wonder what he’s reading._ He didn’t want Ryan to go so soon. The moment he stopped texting, Jason would be all alone again, and somehow that seemed worse now that he’d been talking to Ryan a little. 

**Jason:** _What are you reading?_

**Ryan:** _A novel called Twilight. It’s Talinda’s. I found it in my room. I thought it was going to be a kick ass book about vampires, but it’s more about this girl being in love with this boy, and he’s a vampire, and it’s complicated. She’s accident prone, so it’s sort of funny. I’m ashamed to admit it’s sucked me in. Don’t tell anyone. lol_

There was a slight pain to Jason’s heart. There wasn’t anyone to tell. He closed the message and opened his web browser, pulling up the Twilight book Ryan was talking about. He glanced at the cover and added it to his Amazon cart.

**Jason:** _I’ll read it with you. If I order it now, it will be here tomorrow._

**Ryan:** _Okay. That will be cool, Jay. We’ve never read a book together. I’m not too far into it, so you’ll catch up quick. I’m on...chapter six. You’ll like the dad. I’d bet money on it._

Jason flipped back to his cart, purchased the book, and went back to his messages.

**Jason:** _Done. I’ll be caught up to you in no time._

He smiled at the phone, wishing he could see Ryan instead of the black screen. The thought hit him to go to his camera roll, and he flipped over there, scrolling through all the pictures on his phone. There was a good mixture of things, but he didn’t have to go back far to find Ryan’s blue eyes. Jason looked at the picture for a second, intensely missing the other man.

**Ryan:** _You’re crazy. Seriously though, I’m excited. I’ve already got theories and no one to talk to about them. It’s Talinda’s book and she’s never read it. It’s a series, and she has all four of them, and hasn’t read any of them._

**Jason:** _I’ve got all the time to debate theories. We’ll read them all._

Jason didn’t let himself think about how he was making future plans for them. It was book reading and debates, not lunch dates and make-up sex. _Make-up sex? It was break-up sex. There’s make-up sex, too. I can’t imagine what that would be like, if the break-up sex was that good._ He focused back on his phone.

**Jason:** _I’ll let you get to it. I’m glad you texted me._

**Ryan:** _I’m glad you answered. Have a good night, Jay. Sweet dreams._

It was an echo from the past, and Jason’s heart recognized the sentiment. He felt a little more alive than he had before Ryan texted. With a smile, he texted _good night_ and put the phone down. Even if the book was awful, it was a promise that he would talk to Ryan again, and that was good enough for now. 

****  
TBC


	41. The Hardest Ask

It was already Thursday evening, and Mike was in a state of panic. He’d arrived at Joe’s after work to find his friend loading two suitcases and a packable baby crib into the back of his SUV, ready with apologies. Joe’s dad had fallen and broken his hip, and he was leaving with Heidi and the baby to go help his mother out at the hospital and afterward at their house. There was nothing Mike could say in the moment other than reassurances that he would look after the fish in their aquarium and take care of the house. Before he’d even had a chance to text Chester, Joe, Heidi, and Lola were backing down the driveway, and Mike was faced with a huge problem.

_Jason gave me until the end of the weekend to get my stuff. How am I going to do that alone? What a mess._ Mike sat down at the bar in the kitchen and looked over at Heidi’s assortment of ceramic canisters. _I know Joe felt bad, and it can’t be helped, but not only do I not have any help, I don’t have a car big enough anymore. What a mess._ He blew out a long breath and dug his phone out of his pocket. It was Chester’s night to spend with Ryan, and part of that agreement was that Mike would stay out of the way and let them have their time together to play video games and whatever else they wanted to do. Mike didn’t want to interfere, or make it seem like he was trying to keep tabs on what Chester was doing, but he needed to tell someone, and Chester was the person he wanted to talk to more than anyone else.

**Mike:** _So, I know you’re with Ryan, but I’ve got a problem. Joe had to leave town for a family emergency. I don’t have any way to go get my stuff this weekend. I just found out. I’m stressing._

He pressed send and stood up and paced in the kitchen. He didn’t even know if Chester would answer him. The last thing Mike wanted to do was text Jason to ask him to keep his stuff for another weekend. He just wanted to go get his things, and for it to be completely over. 

Sitting at Amir’s, in his borrowed bedroom, Chester was on the bed with Ryan. His ankle was propped up on a pillow as he sat side by side with his friend. They’d already had dinner, and played over two hours worth of uninterrupted _Space Invaders_, and now they were sipping coffee and nibbling on a massive piece of pumpkin flavored cheesecake that Noah had plopped in front of them before he’d disappeared upstairs with Amir for the evening. 

“I’m usually not much for pumpkin stuff,” Ryan said as he spooned another bite from the plate they were sharing, “but this is fucking good.” 

Chester nodded, his own bite of smooth cheesecake going down his throat before he chased it with hot, sugary coffee. “I agree. It’s fucking awesome.” He looked over at Ryan with a shy smile. It was their second night in a week of being all alone, of spending the evening doing whatever they pleased as they freely enjoyed each other's company. It was a different feeling from before, when Mike would shame him after spending time with Ryan, or when he’d be met with a barrage of accusational questions from his boyfriend. They’d spent Tuesday evening together, and on Wednesday Mike hadn’t asked anything other than if Chester had had a good time. It was nice. It was relaxing, and Chester was happy that his newly regained boyfriend was making such a nice effort to give him room to breathe. 

“So you ready to tell me?” Chester asked, playfully nudging Ryan’s arm with his elbow. 

“Tell you what?” 

“Whatever secret you’re keeping,” Chester stated, flashing Ryan a knowing look. “You can deny it all you want, but I know something is going on. Come on, I know you’re dying to tell me.” He flashed the other man his biggest eyes, and stuck out his piercing. 

Ryan put his hand up immediately between them, blocking the view of Chester’s pathetic face. “Don’t even, Chazzy. When I’m ready to tell you, I will,” he admitted honestly, his thoughts instantly turning to Jason. He’d yet to let the cat out of the bag about Jason’s last night in L.A. or even that the two of them were still talking. _More than talking. We text every day and we’re reading a book together._

Just thinking about it brought a smile to Ryan’s face.

“See!” Chester accused the moment he saw his friend’s lips curl. “You’re thinking about whatever it is right now. It’s Talinda, isn’t it?” 

Ryan’s bright smile vanished as he twisted towards Chester, his jaw dropping. “What?” he asked. “Oh, God, no! No, Chazzy! Never! Ugh, gross,” he hissed. He reached for the pillow behind his back. In one quick motion he hit Chester with it, and then it was back in its place. “You’re a sick individual, you know that? Me and _Talinda the Tyrant_,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Hey, it’s not that ridiculous,” Chester defended, recovering quickly from the pillow attack. “I know you’ve gone the other way before.” 

“Which has nothing to do with it,” Ryan cut in. “It’s Talinda. Even if she had a dick, I wouldn’t touch her like that.” He shivered the thought away. “I mean, she’s become a friend,” he decided, thinking his previous comment sounded overly harsh. “And I can’t thank her enough for letting me stay at her place right now, even though I’m paying for it with blood, sweat, and tears.” 

“Are you guys almost done with all the home renovations?” Chester asked just as his phone pinged with a text message alert. He narrowed his eyes as he reached for it. “Wonder who that is?” 

“I’ve got a good idea,” Ryan mumbled as he took another bite of cheesecake. 

Chester didn’t answer as he read Mike’s text. “Fuck,” he whispered. “It’s Mike.” 

“I was right,” Ryan said with an eyeroll. 

“He’s not checking up on me,” Chester corrected as he flashed his phone around so Ryan could see the screen. “Remember I told you our friend Joe was going to go with him this weekend to Seattle? Well now Joe can’t go.” He was already texting his boyfriend back. 

**Chester** _Oh no, that sucks. Do you have anyone else you can ask? What about that other friend of yours, the one with the truck that helped you move into the loft?_

Mike heard his phone ding and practically dove across the bar to grab it and read Chester’s response. _Dave. I don’t even want to go there. I can’t imagine everything I’d have to talk about just to get to the point of telling him my stuff is in Seattle. No way._ He bit down on his lip in frustration. He knew Chester was right. Dave had been his friend most of his life. Just because Mike had left out some very important aspects of the past two years didn’t mean his friend wouldn’t come to the rescue, long explanations aside. Mike debated with himself for a few seconds and sighed before he texted Chester to tell him he’d ask Dave.

He didn’t wait for a response. As soon as he pressed send on the message he pulled up his contacts and selected Dave’s number. He hadn’t even worked out what he was going to say about Seattle yet, but he would figure out something. 

It turned out that he didn’t need to come up with any explanations. While Mike paced a circle in the kitchen, Dave rambled about work, his girlfriend, and the weekend they had planned with her parents. Mike didn’t even bother to ask. He opened the pantry and grabbed the peanut butter, adding in a few comments about work and Chester whenever Dave took a breath. What he’d hoped would be a quick phone call turned into fifteen minutes of catching up and a promise to meet for lunch next week.

When Mike hung up he had two fully assembled peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches in front of him, and no better idea how to get his stuff from Seattle than he’d had before he called Dave. He looked at the two messages Chester sent while he was talking, trying to figure out what to say next while he crammed a bite of sandwich in his mouth. 

**Mike:** _Dave’s out. He’s got plans with the girlfriend and her parents._

Chester heard his phone finally ping with a response, his hope dying the moment he read it. “Well that sucks,” he mumbled. 

Ryan leaned over, glancing at Chester’s phone before taking another bite of cheesecake. “He doesn’t have anyone else who will help?” he asked. He could care less about Mike and his stuff, but he knew the boxes that were packed full of art supplies and tacky clothes were a nuisance to Jason at the moment. 

“Not really,” Chester replied, his shoulders slumping. “I’d go, but I can’t even help drive.” He pointed at his elevated ankle. “What about Devon and Caleb?” he asked, turning his head to try and see Ryan’s reaction. “Think they’d be up for a trip to Seattle?” 

Ryan shook his head. “They’re gone this weekend. Noah told me their apartment is being repainted or fumigated or something,” he stated with a shrug. “So they made plans to run away to some place for a few days.” 

“Dammit,” Chester huffed, before looking down at his phone. The screen had gone black, and he clicked it back to life. “I’m pretty sure Amir wouldn’t be up for anything like that either.” 

“Mike’s burned some bridges,” Ryan said carefully, trying to keep his tone even. “So yeah, Amir would probably give a pass on that.” 

Chester rolled his lips together in thought. He knew Ryan was right. “I don’t want him going by himself,” he said just barely louder than a whisper. “Maybe I can figure out a way to go and try and help.” 

“Chaz, no,” Ryan objected, sitting forward a little so he could see Chester’s face. “You were right the first time. You can’t even help drive, there’s no way that would work out. He could fly up there, rent a truck and drive his stuff back,” he suggested instead.

“That’s still him facing Jason alone,” Chester argued weakly. “Not that I don’t trust him...but I’m not sure I trust him.” He dropped his head, his dead stare going to the legs of his jeans. “I want to trust him,” he added, but it didn’t matter. Less than a week ago, Mike was supposed to be heading up to Seattle to live and be with Jason, not getting his stuff after a break up. That wasn’t very long ago. 

Ryan sighed as he stared down at the almost finished piece of pumpkin cheesecake. “I don’t blame you,” he said before he took a sip of coffee. _I don’t think it’s a good idea for Mike to go there alone either, but I don’t really want to say that. He’ll ask questions if I do._ For a brief second, the idea that _he_ could escort Mike to Seattle crossed his mind. The thought that he’d get to see Jason in person tugged at him, but he kept quiet as Chester texted a reply to Mike. 

“Who else do we know?” Chester mused aloud, before he looked over, his eyes widening in thought. “Um, you know I can’t go,” he said, worrying over even asking. “But you’re healthy and not broken.” 

It was like Chester had read his thoughts, and Ryan almost spit out his coffee as he swung his attention back to his friend. “Me? In a truck for days with Mike Shinoda? No thanks, Chazzy.” 

Chester waited. He thought about begging Ryan for this massive favor, but then he thought better of it. If Mike was really out of options, he needed to swallow his pride, and come talk to Ryan himself. He picked his phone back up. 

**Chester:** _The only other person I can think of is Ryan. He’s sitting here with me, if you want to come over and ask._

Mike stared down at his phone. “Oh, hell no,” he said to nobody, scowling at the suggestion. He couldn’t imagine being stuck with Ryan for the seventeen hour drive - both ways. “What would we even talk about? Hey, you know how the last time I saw you, you’d just found out your boyfriend was cheating on you with me? That’s all water under the bridge now, right?” Mike listened to his own words and shook his head. “That’s fucked up.” He picked up his second sandwich and took a bite, licking grape jelly from the corner of his mouth while he tried to think of a nice way to tell Chester _no._

**Mike:** _I can’t see that working out. Unless you come along, too. Even then, I’m pretty sure he’d say no. Ryan hates me._

Chester read the text, which felt heavy. He hated that the two people who mattered most to him didn’t get along. It was hard being in the middle all the time. 

**Chester:** _Guess you won’t know unless you ask._

He sent the simple text, and sat his phone on the bed. His attention fell right to the shared plate between them. “Hey, you pig!” he half shouted, shoving Ryan lightly on his arm. “I’m in distress over here and you ate my half of the cheesecake!” 

If Ryan wouldn’t have had a mouth full of pumpkin goodness, he would have had something witty to say back. Instead it came out in a mumble until he managed to swallow it down. “Sorry. I think I’m stress eating.” 

Chester’s face twisted. “Stress eating over what? I’m the one with a problem here.” He pointed at his phone. 

“You’re right. Guess it’s sympathy stress eating.” Ryan flashed Chester a grin. 

Mike left the phone on the bar and paced the kitchen some more. He finished off his sandwich and drank a glass of water, and he still couldn’t come up with a better solution than Chester had just offered. _Maybe if he comes I won’t have to talk to Ryan very much. Ugh. It’s not going to matter. He’s going to say no anyway. And how messed up is that, to ask him to go when he hasn’t seen Jason since they broke up? This whole thing is a mess. Maybe Jay should just dump my stuff in the ocean and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it._ He pulled in a deep breath and tried one last way out of asking Ryan.

**Mike:** _Are you sure you want me to come over there? I know it’s your night with him. I don’t want to interrupt._

Chester read Mike’s message twice. And then a third time. It was almost surreal to read those words from his boyfriend. _He’s really trying hard this time. I hope he keeps it up._ “I know things suck between you and Mike,” he said, his eyes on his phone instead of on Ryan as he typed. “But I really hope one day you guys can sort it all out.” He wasn’t sure if Ryan was going to say anything to that or not as he sent his message.

**Chester:** _Thanks for asking. I appreciate that. I really do. And it’s okay. I know we need to get all this sorted. We’re just sitting here talking anyway._

There was no way out, and Mike sighed again. Chester had given him the green light to interrupt his evening with Ryan, and Mike couldn’t think of any other options. He shoved his phone into his pocket and ran his hand through his hair. Nothing he could think to say to Ryan would increase the chance of the other man saying yes. He wasn’t lying when he texted Chester that Ryan hated him. _Of course he hates me. He has every reason to hate me. I’m not exactly his biggest fan either. But Ches… Ches wants us to get along. He’s probably trying to talk Ryan into helping right now. God, I’ll have to tell Jay he’s coming. I can’t just drag his ex-boyfriend up there without notice. That would be wrong. This is so fucked up. How did this all get so fucked up?_

He grabbed his car keys and headed out, anxious to get it all over with. _I’ll go over there, he’ll say no, and then I can say I tried. Or something. I guess I’m asking him for a favor. But I don’t want to, and Ches knows that. I can’t think of anything more awkward than taking Ryan to help me get my stuff from Jason. Of all people. Ryan._

Mike practiced what he would say the entire drive to Amir’s, but he’d failed to think of what to say to Amir when he opened the door. He didn’t miss the eye roll from the other man when he opened the door to the apartment.

“Mike. You know it’s Thursday, right?” Amir greeted, Noah hanging on his back. 

“I know. Ches told me I could come,” Mike said defensively, ignoring the way Noah’s hand was up under the front of Amir’s shirt. “I thought he would answer the door, actually.” Mike bit his bottom lip and tried to look around the couple into the apartment.

“He probably would have. We just came down for cookies and got here first.” Amir stepped back, and Noah moved with him. “Look, I don’t know what you guys have going on. All I wanted was some cookies. As long as you’re not here to make a scene, I guess come on in. But the second I hear anyone’s voice raised, you’re out,” he warned. Amir watched Mike nod his head and start toward Chester’s room. “Come on, Noey,” he whispered. “Let’s eat our cookies down here and see what they’re talking about.”

Mike didn’t hear Amir as he quickly made his way to Chester’s door and knocked twice. He wouldn’t admit it, but the fact that Ryan was inside the bedroom with the door closed bothered him. A lot. “Ches?” he called, “it’s me.” 

On the bed, Chester sat forward, giving Ryan a hard look. “Be nice,” he whispered. “Please.” 

“I can’t promise anything, Chazzy. I haven’t even seen him since it all happened,” Ryan told him, but that was enough for Chester to nod, and holler to tell Mike to come on in. He was already gripping the pink and silver blanket they were sitting on. He had no idea how this was going to go. 

Mike took a deep breath, and opened the door. Ryan was sitting right next to Chester on the bed, and he tried to only focus on his lover’s face. “Hey.” He stepped in, and shut the door behind him. He had no idea where to stand, if it was okay to go to Chester, or what to say to Ryan. Mike twisted his hand up in the bottom of his t-shirt as he stepped forward and placed a chaste kiss on Chester’s cheek before he managed to look Ryan’s way. “Ryan. Thanks for letting me crash your evening,” he said, dropping the brief eye contact they’d made. 

Ryan’s heart was already beating a little faster. He knew seeing Mike Shinoda after everything that had happened wouldn’t be pleasant. _At least he has enough sense to not stick his tongue down Chaz’s throat in front of me._ “You’re welcome,” he finally managed to say. He held back from saying more, from adding that this could have waited until tomorrow, that Mike’s problem didn’t have to interrupt his few hours with Chester, but he didn’t. It wasn’t Mike begging to come over, it had been Chester who had suggested it, and Ryan kept that in mind. 

“Good, we’re all getting along,” Chester said before anyone else had found the courage to speak. “Guess I’ll go take a piss and leave you guys alone to talk.” He set his empty coffee cup on the nightstand before he carefully swung his legs off the bed and reached for his crutches. 

Mike twisted his shirt around his hand a little more and looked at Chester desperately. He wanted to beg Chester to stay, but one look at his boyfriend’s face was enough to stop him. He watched Chester get situated on his crutches and then Mike opened the door so he could hobble out to the bathroom, and all Chester did was flash him a smile before he disappeared. 

The uncomfortable reality of being alone in the room with Ryan had Mike shifting back and forth on his feet. He glanced at the empty plate with two forks and forced away the scowl that wanted to show on his face, opting instead to say, “I wouldn’t have come, but Ches thought it would be okay.” Mike took a deep breath and looked up to catch Ryan’s stare. “You have every reason not to listen to anything I have to say, I know that. I thought about what I could even say to you the whole way over here, and nothing sounds right.” He stopped and pulled his hand away from his shirt, wiping both palms over his jeans before he took another deep breath. It was hard, but he knew he had to get the necessary apology over with before anything else could be said between them. “I made some really bad decisions that affected you, Ryan, and I’m sorry for that.”

Ryan stayed quiet. There were lots of things he could say to that, but he knew all of them would come off bitter, defensive, snarky, and so many other negative words. _And Chaz asked me to be nice._ He let out a sigh. “Yeah, well, that’s not what this is about. Just say what you came over here to say, Mike.” He glanced toward the closed bedroom door. Chester couldn’t get back fast enough. 

Mike couldn’t help it. His eyes narrowed as Ryan didn’t even bother to accept his apology. He wanted to just turn around and walk out, but he knew Chester would be upset if he did that. “Well, that was one thing I wanted to say,” he huffed out, completely frustrated. “If you aren’t willing to talk about it, then the only other thing I have to say is pointless. If we’re not even going to try to get along, there’s no reason for me to think you’d be willing to come to Seattle with me tomorrow. It was Chester’s idea, and for some insane reason I thought you’d be willing to help out, because he mentioned it.” 

Ryan stood up from the bed. He’d put up with a lot from Mike over the last two years. He had no idea how the other man always managed to push all the wrong buttons. “Look,” he said, keeping his voice low, so it wouldn’t flow out into the rest of the apartment, “the day you decide to apologize for all the fucked up things you’ve done without having selfish ulterior motives behind it, I’ll be happy to listen. Until then, none of that matters.” 

“It wasn’t my idea to ask you to go.” Mike was struggling to keep his emotions under control. He could have happily gone the rest of this life never talking to Ryan, but loving Chester made that an impossibility. Knowing that Chester was in the apartment was the only thing keeping Mike from shouting or leaving, or both. “I thought saying _something_ was better than just ignoring it all, like it didn’t happen. There’s no ulterior motive behind that, other than just trying to clear the air, for Chester’s sake.” 

Ryan shook his head. _I have no idea why Chester loves him._ It was a thought he’d had a hundred times. It was a question that really had no answer, which was always a frustrating reality. “Everything between you and I is for Chester,” he said. He let out a hard breath - something between a sigh and a huff - before he said, “So what’s your plan? He told me things fell through with Joe.” 

Mike crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, his dad fell and he’s in the hospital. I haven’t really made a plan, yet. I’m going to have to rent a truck, probably. The original plan was to start the drive tomorrow after work, stay somewhere in between, and get my stuff midday Saturday. Jay wants it out of his house by Sunday, and I’ve got work Monday, so we were going to turn around and start the drive back. It’s a lot of driving.” He felt the complete frustration at the situation as he gripped his arms and looked toward the door. He really wanted Chester to come back. 

The mention of Jason brought a different sort of thought to Ryan’s mind. If he was going all the way to Seattle, he wanted the chance to see Jason for longer than the half hour it would take to load up Mike’s stuff. “How much stuff are you getting?” he asked, trying not to sound obvious. After his comment to Mike earlier, there was no way he wanted to admit he had an ulterior motive in all this, too. 

“It would have fit in Joe’s SUV. I think.” Mike mentally amended that statement. There was his art supplies, a lot of his clothes, his paintings. He wasn’t sure it would have all fit, but it was hard to tell. “Maybe I need to just rent a van. Like a mini van or something where all the seats lay down.” He shook his head. “It’s not too much stuff. The stuff isn’t the issue, it’s the driving. I can’t do that much driving alone.” 

“You wouldn’t want a minivan, you’d need a cargo van,” Ryan informed him. “And if I’m going, one stop isn’t enough. It’s seventeen hours to Seattle, not counting breaks. We would need to stay the night in Seattle, and then make the push to get back Sunday.” He made sure not to put any emotion into his words other than business, like he was mapping something out for YRS or Score. 

Staying in Seattle was the last thing Mike wanted to do, but he didn’t have any options. If he was going to have any help, he needed to be accomodating. He could feel the cost of his mistake climbing higher with every word Ryan said. _A cargo van. And two nights in a hotel. God, I am such an idiot. I should have never, ever let my stuff go anywhere without me!_ He looked down at the floor, biting his bottom lip as he thought things over. Seventeen hours in a cargo van with a person who hated him sounded like hell. He wasn’t sure he could keep his temper in check for that long. “Two nights is fine,” he finally said, not looking up. 

Outside the bedroom door, Chester had only stopped for a minute to see if he could hear anything as he leaned in close. _I don’t hear them yelling, so unless one of them killed the other, I’m taking that as a good sign._

He looked across the apartment. Amir and Noah were on the couch, munching on cookies. Since the bedroom was quiet, Chester figured he wouldn’t interrupt. He wanted Mike and Ryan to figure it out without him. He hobbled his way over to the couch, and plopped down in the ugly orange chair on the other side of the coffee table. “Sorry guys, I didn’t know this was going to turn into a house full of people.” 

Amir glanced at Noah, then at Chester. “Want a cookie? We don’t need to be eating these. We had cheesecake. I don’t even know how this happened.” He looked back at his boyfriend with a quirky smile. “Noey eats too much sugar.” If Chester hadn’t been there, he would have made a kissy face to go along with his teasing words. “It’s awfully quiet in there, Chaz. Think they’re okay?”

Chester tried not to laugh at the fake offended look on Noah’s face over the sugar comment. “No thanks,” Chester told them, waving away the cookie Noah had handed his way. “I’m not in the mood. And I don’t know what’s going on in there. I have to assume the lack of screaming means they’re actually talking.” He dropped his eyes to his lap. “Mike needs someone to go with him to Seattle this weekend to get his stuff. The person who was going to go had something come up...so he’s asking Ry.”

“What?!” Amir nearly choked on his cookie. “He’s got a lot of fucking nerve, asking Ryan to do that!” he hissed under his breath. “I’m sorry, but that’s fucked up, Chaz. There’s no way Ryan wants to be in the middle of those two. And for Mike to even ask. It’s insulting!” He caught the shocked look on Noah’s face, and felt justified in his anger on Ryan’s behalf. 

Before Noah could pipe up and agree with Amir, Chester spoke up. “Actually, it was my idea to ask Ryan. I know, I know,” he said, already putting his hand up. “It _is_ fucked up, but he was kind of the end of the line.” He shrugged as he stared at the coffee table and the bag of chocolate chip cookies. “He agreed to hear Mike out, so I guess that means something.”

Noah glanced from Chester to the closed bedroom door. “If Ryan says yes to that, it’s only as a favor to you, Chaz.” He gasped suddenly, his hand going over his mouth. “That means Ryan will have to see Jason, doesn’t it?” He looked to Amir, like he had all the answers. 

“I don’t understand the four of you.” Amir put down his small glass of milk and looked directly at Chester. “This has to be the most twisted thing I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying something. You know how much Ryan hates Mike. I can’t believe you’d suggest that he go to Seattle. Ryan’s the one who just keeps getting fucked around in all this, you know?” He didn’t want to say any more than that. He didn’t know if Chester _really_ knew the scope of Ryan’s feelings for him, and it wasn’t his place to get into all of that. What he did know is dragging Ryan to Seattle to be faced with Jason was just cruel. “I wouldn’t blame him one bit if he said no. I’ve got his back on this one, Chazzy. If Ryan says no, you’re not going to beg him to go.” 

Chester leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his hands on his face. “I know. You’re right,” he admitted, his heart sinking with guilt. “I shouldn’t have even asked him. But that’s all I did was ask,” he said, dropping his hands to look over at the couch. “And if he tells Mike no, then you’re right. I won’t push it. It’s Mike’s mess to get out of. That’s why I’m not in there now,” he explained, flipping his hand toward the bedroom door. “I wasn’t going to do it for him.”

Amir sat back on the couch and pulled Noah over close to him. “I’ve tried to be calm during all of this, Chaz, but this is a big mess. Mike’s mess. I don’t want to see you or Ryan hurt anymore because of him.” When it came down to it, Amir’s loyalty was with Chester and Ryan. He liked Mike on some levels. He’d been quick to stand up to Mark, which was a big thing in Amir’s estimation. Up until things had gone wrong with Chester, Amir thought Mike’s ideals and loyalties were admirable. Now that Mark was gone and Mike was no better than anyone else, Amir saw no reason to back him on anything. They’d never been friends, not like he was with Ryan and Chester. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Chaz. I hope this doesn’t all blow up in your face.” 

“Believe me, I don’t want it to either. I just...God, I just wish they could get along. I know that’s a lot to ask, with how everything has been. It’s like ten times worse now than it was before.” Chester pursed his lips in thought. Mike had never liked Ryan. From the very start, he’d held animosity against him. Now it was more than that, and he knew Ryan harbored his own harsh feelings. “I’m probably living in a dreamland. They’ll never be okay with each other.”

Ryan was still on the opposite side of the bed from Mike, both of them standing with their arms crossed. Mike’s hair was in his eyes, and Ryan really wanted to walk over to him and shove it out of the way, but he knew that would lead to no good. Instead he looked into Chester’s open closet. All of his things were still neatly packed in boxes - boxes Ryan had helped him pack back at the loft. Chester’s scrawly handwriting was on the outside of each one, labeling what was in them. He knew how much pain had gone into packing those boxes. 

His attention roamed over Chester’s shoe collection next, and for the first time, he saw that they were no longer in a messy pile on the floor. The shoes were lined up, in the neat order Chester had been struggling to accomplish ever since he’d moved into Amir’s. Ever since his breakup with Mike. _He did it. He got them in order. Was it because… of him?_ He looked back at Mike, and one more chunk of reality settled over him. Whatever force kept Chester’s heart linked to Mike’s, it obviously wasn’t all bad. “Okay,” he said, dropping his defensive stance. “I’ll go. I know it’s important to Chaz that all this gets taken care of.” 

Mike hadn’t been expecting Ryan to say yes, and he didn’t know what to say in response. The idea of taking Ryan had been unpleasant when he was only worrying about the car ride. Now it seemed even worse, thinking about Jason and Ryan being in the same room together. He knew he had to tell Jason, and he dreaded opening up that line of communication again. Mike pressed his lips together, trying to shake off the uneasiness creeping over him. It was going to be awful until it was all over, until his things were safely stored in Joe’s garage and he wouldn’t have to see Jason again, or Ryan if he didn’t want to. He ran his hand over the back of his hair, scratching at his neck before he said, “thanks. I appreciate it.” Now all he wanted to do was give Chester a quick kiss and get out of there, but he didn’t know what his boyfriend was expecting, or if he wanted to hear about their plans. 

Ryan nodded before he picked up his leather jacket that was folded on the end of the bed. He slipped his arms into it. “You can stay,” he said as he rounded the bed to get to the door. “You have my number, let me know what time we’re leaving tomorrow.” He sidestepped Mike and opened the bedroom door. He was going to tell Chester goodbye, and then he was going to go home and text Jason. _Or maybe I’ll call him._

He stepped out into the apartment, and immediately saw Chester sitting with Amir and Noah. He walked over to join them, standing close to Chester. “I’m out of here for the night, Chazzy.” 

If Chester’s ankle wasn’t messed up, he would have stood up to give his friend a hug goodbye, but he didn’t. “How did it go?” he dared to ask, looking up. 

“I told him I’d do it.” Ryan looked over at the look of disbelief on Amir and Noah’s faces, and he had to figure that Chester had filled them in on what was going on. “I’m probably an idiot for doing it, but someone has to help his pathetic ass.” He nodded toward the bedroom with a soft smile. He knew his tone would keep Chester from taking that statement the wrong way. 

It was enough to get Chester up out of his chair. He balanced himself on one leg as he pulled Ryan into a hug. “Thank you. His pathetic ass thanks you, too,” he whispered with a short smile. 

Ryan patted Chester’s back as they embraced. “I know. You owe me now, Chazzy. Big.” 

Chester pulled back, one hand still clinging to Ryan’s arm to help him balance. “Anything you want, you name it and I’m there.” 

Ryan wasn’t for sure yet, but something in the back of his mind told him he’d be cashing that favor in one day, and it would probably involve Jason somehow. “I know you will be,” he said, before turning his attention to the room. “I’ll see you lovely people later. I have to go rest up before we head out tomorrow.” 

Amir popped up from his seat, patting Noah on the thigh. “I’ll be right back, Peaches,” he whispered to Noah before he followed Ryan to the door. He stepped right out with Ryan and pulled the door behind him, only leaving a small crack. “You going to be okay? Did you think this through? You sure you want to see Jason again?” He was worried about Ryan. He knew how the break up with Jason had gone down was hard on his friend. 

Ryan stuck his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Believe me, seeing Jay will be the easy part. Hopefully I won’t throw Mike off a bridge somewhere.” He took a second, a part of him really wanting to say more about Jason. It was a hard thing to keep to himself. He shrugged his shoulders. “I like Seattle.” 

“Hopefully Mike will just keep his damn mouth shut. Before you toss him in the ocean, remember Chaz. You can’t do that to him.” Amir wanted to ask more about Jason, and why all of a sudden seeing him would be the “easy part” of the whole ordeal, but he didn’t say anything else about Jason. He thumped Ryan on the back a few times and added, “go get some rest. You’re a good guy, you know that?” 

“Sometimes,” Ryan offered with a partial smile before he looked back at the door, and the small sliver of light coming from inside the apartment. “Chazzy’s going to be a wreck the whole time we’re gone. I’m sorry ahead of time for that. He’ll probably drive you guys nuts.” He looked up toward the ceiling, and the odd pattern in the plaster. “We’re just ready for this to be over.” He quickly looked back at Amir, realizing he’d said _we’re_ instead of _I’m_, but he was hoping Amir would assume he meant him and Chester, not him and Jason. 

“Right,” Amir said thoughtfully. “Well, you know I’ll take care of Chaz. I’ll get Noey to bring him some breakfast tacos. Those are always good.” He turned back to the apartment door. “Be careful, Ry-Ry. I don’t want you to do anything stupid. I’ll keep Chaz together and you bring Mike back, whether you want to or not.” 

“That’s a deal,” Ryan said, before offering a goodbye, and then he was headed down the hallway. He already had his phone out, pulling up his text thread with Jason. 

**Ryan:** _What are you doing Saturday night? I thought maybe we could go to dinner._

He grinned at the thought, at the mental image of Jason’s face when he’d read the text, before he hit send. 

Jason was under a blanket on the couch, his book in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, when he heard the _ding_ of his phone. It seemed too early to be Ryan. They texted a bit at night about _Twilight_ and a little about their day, but it was usually later. He put the book down and leaned over, snatching his phone from the cushion next to him and realizing it was Ryan. A smile played over his lips before he even read the message, and then his eyes widened in wonder. _Dinner. Saturday? He’s coming here? _ He put his wine glass down next to his book so he could text back.

**Jason:** _I’ll probably be doing exactly what I’m doing now. Sitting on the couch in pajamas. Are you really coming out here Saturday?_

**Ryan:** _I am. Let me know if you’re up for it._

Ryan stared at his reply, as he took the elevator down to the bottom floor of Amir’s building. Texting and talking about _Twilight_ was one thing, going out to dinner and being in public together - face to face - was different. He didn’t want to push Jason into anything he didn’t want. 

He hit send before he pocketed his phone and stepped off the elevator. He knew showing up with Mike wasn’t exactly the best way to see Jason again, but he couldn’t help himself. Just going to dinner and getting to talk to Jason in person after their last night together in L.A. would be enough. _I hope he says yes. I understand if he doesn’t, but it would be really nice to see him. To actually get to talk._

Jason took a minute to try to process what was happening. The reality of Ryan being in Seattle was one he hadn’t prepared for while he’d been trying to ignore what would be happening on Saturday. He looked up and his eyes focused on Mike’s boxes by the front door. By Saturday evening, those boxes would be gone, and it suddenly became very clear what was happening. _Why on Earth would Ryan be coming with him? That doesn’t make any sense._ He mulled it over for a bit, trying to decide what to say to Ryan. He wanted to see the other man, and he also wanted to know why he was coming. _It has to be to see me. There’s no way he’s doing it for Mike. He’s going to come all the way here… just for me._

The thought warmed his insides. All of the weight and finality of Saturday was gone with the thought that Ryan was coming, that Ryan wanted to be with him enough to endure such a long time with Mike, alone. _Unless Chaz is coming, too. That would be weird. Weirder. The whole thing is weird._ He couldn’t help but ask.

**Jason:** _Is Chaz coming too?_

Ryan hadn’t been expecting that question. He stared at his phone as he sat in his car. _Guess he figured out I’m coming up with Mike to get his stuff._ He zipped his fingers across the keys before he hit send and then started his car. 

**Ryan:** _No, his ankle is still in the boot. He can’t drive, and helping to move anything is out of his ability atm._

Jason shook his head. He didn’t know if Ryan and Mike could make a seventeen hour trip together without one of them losing it. He could only imagine how awkward that ride would be, and then staying the night somewhere… he would have laughed at the idea if it hadn’t been so concerning. 

**Jason:** _If you make it this far, I’m up for dinner._

Jason’s message popped up on the dash screen of Ryan’s car, and he laughed. “He’s not wrong about that,” he sniggered to himself before he ordered his phone to text Jason while he drove. “Text Jason Wakefield: The ride there isn’t going to be fun at all, but I’m looking forward to seeing you. I haven’t told anyone here that we’ve been talking a little.”

Ryan gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. He wasn’t sure how to categorize what was happening between him and Jason, but he figured when they saw each other again, it would be a good clue about where things were headed. 

There were a lot of things Jason wanted to say in response to Ryan’s text, but he’d save it for when he was looking at his ex-boyfriend. He wanted to tell him that the only good part of his week was their small text conversations at night. He wanted to tell him that for the first time there was a part of him looking forward to the weekend. He wanted to tell Ryan that he didn’t have to stay with Mike at some sketchy motel, he could stay with him. But he stopped himself from texting any of those things. 

**Jason:** _Me either. It’s our secret._

Mike sat down on the corner of Chester’s bed as soon as Ryan left the room, his head dropping to stare at the floor. He could feel his sweaty palms and the anxiety of the entire conversation, and what was still ahead. _I don’t know if I can go to Seattle with him! He wouldn’t even let me apologize. I don’t want to go by myself, but it might be better than having him tagging along. And Jay, he’ll be so mad when I tell him I’m bringing Ryan. I’m sure he doesn’t want to have to say anything to him right now. I can’t believe I let Ches talk me into asking Ryan. And two nights in a hotel with him!_

He tried to take a deep breath and calm down a little, but the thought of spending all weekend with Ryan Shuck was distressing. Mike didn’t know how to make it better. He’d already tried to apologize, but it hadn’t gone anywhere. He fell back on the bed and covered his eyes from the light with his arm. _Anything would be better than having to go through this._

Chester opened the bedroom door and hobbled his way in. The first thing he saw was Mike, laid out on the bed, his face covered by his arm like he was distressed, or extremely tired. “Hey,” Chester called softly as he shut the door, giving them privacy. He managed his way over to the bed, and sat down, placing his crutches off to the side. “You okay? Ry went home already.”

“I don’t know,” Mike mumbled without moving his arm. “He’s going. But he still hates me. He wouldn’t even listen to me apologize. How are we supposed to stand being together all weekend? It’s going to be the worst.” 

Chester stared at his boyfriend. He knew the ride to and from Seattle would probably be awkward for both of them. “Ryan’s probably thinking the same thing. I’m, I’m glad he said he’d go. I wasn’t really sure if he would. I didn’t try and talk him into it, so whatever you said, it worked.”

Mike turned to look at Chester from under his arm. “I just told him the plan. And he said he’d go. _After_ he told me I was selfish and I needed a cargo van.” He rubbed his eyes with his hand and stuck out his bottom lip. “I don’t want to go.” 

Chester reached over and picked up the empty plate that no longer had cheesecake on it. He set it, along with the two forks, off onto the nightstand. He carefully pulled both legs up on the bed, and scooted down a little, to rest his head on his pillow. His legs were now down by Mike’s middle. “He’s right. You probably should rent a cargo van, especially if you’re bringing back all your paintings.” He waited a second, thinking. _And Ryan isn’t one to call names...not sure why he called him selfish, but I’m sure he had a reason._ He let out a sigh as he looked back down at Mike’s big eyes and pouty lip, and he smiled. “Stop,” he said, a playful flip in his voice. “It’s not going to be that bad. Despite not really liking each other, you guys know each other, you know? We all lived together for, like, half a year. I’m sure you can manage two days.”

Mike reached for Chester’s hand. “I just don’t want to go at all. There’s a big part of me that would just let Jay trash everything, just so I don’t have to see him. The only thing I really want are my paintings. I mean, I guess I want all of it. But I wish I could just undo it all. I know there’s no point in thinking like that.” He laced their fingers together and squeezed. “And I’ll be away from you all weekend. That’s the worst part.” 

Chester’s head slowly drifted back and forth as he stared down at their hands. “Choices we make, Mike,” he mumbled. There was only so much sympathy he could afford his boyfriend over all this. _I wish I could undo it, too, but I can’t._ He squeezed Mike’s hand back. “And I’ll be here when you get back. I’m sure we’ll text and talk plenty while you’re gone.”

“When I’m not driving,” Mike said stubbornly. He knew he was being a baby but he couldn’t help himself, even when it was obvious that Chester didn’t want to talk about it. “I wish I knew what to talk to him about. We don’t have anything in common we can talk about.” He sat up and sighed. “Sorry. I know I’m being a brat about it all. It’s my fault. I just need to suck it up.” He tried to smile. “I’ll text you for conversation ideas.” 

Ryan had always been one of the easiest people in the world to talk to for Chester. It was hard for him to imagine that after knowing each other for years, and living together for a bit, the two men would have nothing to say to one another. “Come here,” Chester said, tugging on Mike’s hand. 

Mike let himself be pulled closer, and his free hand went around Chester’s back, smoothing over his shirt. It felt good to be close, and for that to be okay. “I love you. Sorry Ryan left. I know that’s not how it was supposed to go tonight.” He pressed his lips to Chester’s cheek and then his forehead dropped down to rest on Chester’s shoulder. “I would have left, but he didn’t give me a chance.” 

Chester leaned down to kiss the top of Mike’s head, his lips lost in all his dark, shaggy hair. “I love you, too. And it’s okay. Like I said earlier, we were just sitting here talking. And he ate all the cheesecake.” He brought his arm around, shoving it under the pillows so he could reach Mike’s arm on the other side. He feathered his fingers over his bicep. “It’s going to be okay, Sexy Boy. You’ll see.” 

Mike snuggled his face closer to Chester and felt his body relax. “I believe you,” he whispered. “I’m just ready to be on the other side.” He tightened his arm around his boyfriend and closed his eyes. He needed to suck up all the comfort he could right now. Saturday would be a difficult day, and Ryan wouldn’t be in any position to offer any comforting words. He wanted to ask Chester to make the trip with them, but it was a long time for his lover to be traveling with his ankle all messed up. “You’re so warm,” he said instead, enjoying the body heat they were producing together. 

“Mhm,” Chester mumbled, his eyes closed as he relished the feel of Mike’s soft skin under his fingertips. “Too bad you can’t stay over tonight. I know you have to go to work tomorrow. Will you come over and tell me goodbye before you guys leave?”

“Of course, babe.” Mike didn’t want to think about all of the things he needed to do before he left with Ryan tomorrow. “I can’t make a trip that long without a goodbye kiss.” He lifted his head, searching for Chester’s lips. “I can’t go long without your kisses at all. Ever.” The moment their lips connected, Mike felt the last part of his insides that were anxious settle. It wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was a gentle, sweet kiss. He sucked on Chester’s lip ring for a moment before he ran his tongue over the metal and then pulled back. “Kissing you is one of my favorite things.” 

Chester smiled briefly. “I’m glad you think so,” he said, trying not to let his hesitation show. Things were still raw from everything that had happened between Mike and Jason, and Chester was trying to pace himself. Giving everything to each other during their fling before Mike was supposed to move to Seattle had been one thing, but working their way back into being committed boyfriends was something totally different. Mike had always been good at saying things that Chester wanted to hear - lovey, flowery sentiments that used to reassure him of the bond and love between them. But hearing it come from Mike now was a little different. It was going to take time to build the trust back between them. 

It was a passing concern to keep his guard up before he plopped another kiss to Mike’s lips. He hadn’t meant for it to be more than that - a quick connection - but he found himself being the one this time to pull Mike’s bottom lip in, sucking on it. “Who knows,” he mused as they slowly pulled apart, “maybe you guys will work out your differences on the way up there.”

“Maybe.” Mike didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but Chester had pulled away, and he didn’t go for another kiss. “Like I said, I just want it over with.” He lay back on the pillow and sighed. He wished he could spend the night, too, but it was already late. “I should probably head back to Joe’s. I’m going to try to find a van to rent online, they’ve got a computer I’ve been using to work on my college stuff. If I can take care of that tonight it’s one less thing to worry about tomorrow. Do you want me to get you anything before I go?” 

“No, I’m good,” Chester said, but he couldn’t help himself. His fingers went from Mike’s arm, up to his ear, sliding them around his neck and earlobe. “Well, maybe one more kiss,” he amended, a wily smile showing this time. “You know, gotta hold me over till tomorrow.” 

Chester’s touch was all the invitation Mike needed. He pulled lightly at the front of Chester’s shirt, coaxing him closer so they could kiss again. It was a little longer than the last two, and Mike pressed against his boyfriend a little bit more, too. Chester was playing with the hair covering his ears, and then along the back of his neck, and Mike felt a shiver go down his spine as their tongues met softly. Everything was tender and slow, and when the kiss broke, Mike’s heart was pounding. “I miss you already.” 

Chester slid his hand around to Mike’s front, curling his fingers gently into Mike’s t-shirt. “It’s always hard to be apart. It never feels right.” He dipped his head, just enough to kiss up under Mike’s jawline. His boyfriend’s beard was soft, and he loved the feel of it. “I’m jealous Ryan gets to go and not me.”

“Trust me, I’d trade you out in a heartbeat, no questions asked.” Mike leaned his head back, stretching his neck for Chester to kiss better. “If you keep doing that, I won’t leave,” he threatened lightly, but meaning every word.

Chester smiled through every kiss he placed on Mike’s face, and the three he petted down his neck. “I know. I’m terrible. I’m stopping,” he promised, before he pulled back. His mouth was open as he breathed. He hadn’t meant to start anything, but he could feel his pulse and the light tingles that had started. “I know you need to go.”

It took every ounce of self control Mike had to nod his head. “I really do.” He lifted his hand to touch the side of Chester’s face. He stroked his fingers down the soft skin and the barely there stubble right on Chester’s chin and smiled. “I’ll text you when I get back to Joe’s, okay?” 

“Okay,” Chester said with a light grumble. “I can’t promise I won’t be touching myself by then.” He flashed Mike a grin and an eyebrow wiggle. 

“Ugh, Ches, that’s not fair at all,” Mike whined as he sat up. He wanted to remind Chester that they wouldn’t have any time to be alone until Monday - four whole days from now - but he didn’t. Now that they were starting over, and their sex vacation was finished, Mike didn’t want his boyfriend to think everything was about sex. “If you start before I get home, make sure you save the best part for me to listen to.” He left one last kiss on Chester’s forehead and stood up, patting over his pockets to make sure he had his phone and wallet. 

The moment Mike was off the bed, Chester sat himself up, propping his back against his pillow. “I was just kidding, Sexy Boy,” he said, and he laughed when Mike rolled his eyes at him. “You’re out of practice at knowing when I’m being serious or not. I’m not going to be doing anything but turning cartoons on and passing out.” He pointed up to the television that was mounted on the wall. “And I hope you do find a van tonight. I’m sure tomorrow will be stressful enough.” 

“Fine, deprive yourself.” Mike picked up the remote from the bedside table and handed it to Chester. “I’ll text you in a bit. Love you.” 

Chester took the remote. “I love you, too. Now go on,” he teased, swatting the remote at Mike. “If you don’t leave, I’ll hobble over there and drag you back to the bed. And that’s _not_ a joke this time.” 

“I’m going, I’m going.” Mike blew a kiss in Chester’s direction, and escaped out the bedroom door, thankful to see that Amir and Noah were nowhere to be found. _I’ve had enough uncomfortable conversations today. And I still have one to go._ He let himself out of Amir’s apartment and stood in the hallway for a minute, debating on whether to text Jason now, or wait until he got home.

_I’m just going to do it now. Get it over with. If he gets upset, I’ll have the whole drive to think of what to say. Not that the drive helped me figure out what to say to Ryan._ Mike scowled. Ryan hadn’t made things any easier. Part of him hoped that Ryan would be nicer to Jason than he was to him, just so things would go a little smoother. He pulled out his phone and pulled up his text thread with Jason. Their last communication had been terse, and he wasn’t predicting this to be any longer or friendlier. 

**Mike:** _I wanted to give you a heads up, Ryan is coming with me Saturday to get my things._

He pressed send and started down the hallway. Mike didn’t expect an answer so quickly, but by the time he reached his car, there was a message from Jason.

**Jason:** _ok_

Mike paused before he opened the driver’s door and looked at the message. _Okay. Nothing else? That’s so... I don’t even know what that is. I thought for sure he would be upset._ He got in the car and waited, thinking there would be more, but after five minutes passed without another text, Mike started the car. _Okay. Okay, I hate you and him, so okay? Okay, I really don’t care? Okay, just get your shit out of my house so we can move on? Okay. That’s all, okay._

The entire drive back to Joe’s, Mike fretted over what _okay_ meant. All of the warm relaxed feelings he’d gotten in Chester’s arms were gone as he tried to figure out Jason’s vague text. Nothing he came up with helped him understand Jason any better, and he was as frustrated as he’d been earlier trying to talk to Ryan. _Whatever. I did the right thing, giving him notice. So I’m going to quit worrying about it. I have to stop worrying about it or I’ll never fall asleep. I need to text Ches and shower and deal with that van. I don’t have time to worry about Jason._

Out of habit and distraction, Mike parked his little blue Honda Civic on the road and went into Joe’s house through the front door with his key, flipping on the porch light as he went. He stopped at the aquarium and sprinkled in the food, then headed into the kitchen for a glass of water and to text Chester before he got busy looking for a rental. The glass of water went with him to the office, where he sat down in Joe’s big leather chair and switched on the computer. Fatigue hit him as he waited for it to power up, and he fished out his phone.

**Mike:** _Good night, babe, I made it to Joe’s. I love you. I’ll call you in the morning._

He didn’t know if Chester was still awake, but he put his phone face up next to the keyboard just in case he got a response. Turning his attention to the screen in front of him, he started the process of searching for a rental van. The weekend couldn’t get over fast enough.

****  
TBC


	42. A Quick Start to a Slow Drive

Mike glanced at his phone for what felt like the millionth time Friday afternoon. For once in his life, he wanted time to slow down, but the clock was ticking fast and furious toward four o’clock. There was no getting out of leaving Red Pelican Music in the cargo van he’d picked up during lunch to get Ryan Shuck and start the dreaded seventeen hour drive.

_Of all people. Ryan. God, this is going to be the longest weekend of my life._ Mike tried to keep his concentration on the student next to him, making hand position corrections and suggesting easier fingerings for a tricky technical passage. That lesson was over with before he knew it, and his last student of the day shuffled in, her face sullen. Mike could absolutely relate with that look. Sadie was sixteen, and had been taking piano lessons for less than a year. It had been slow going with her from the beginning, and Mike dreaded her lesson. It always seemed to last twice as long as students he enjoyed.

But on this day, despite Sadie’s lack of preparation and the tedious nature of the lesson, Mike’s phone chimed sooner than he expected, signaling the end of his workday. With a sigh he sent his student on her way and started to stuff his things into his backpack. There wasn’t much room with his change of clothes, pajamas, and small toiletry bag already in the bottom, but it was a sacrifice he’d been willing to make in order to see Chester before he left for Seattle. There wasn’t time to go back to Joe’s for an overnight bag and make it over to Amir’s, so he’d planned ahead, bringing everything he’d need for the road trip with him to work. 

He zipped up the bag and flipped the light off in his practice room, grabbing his phone from the top of the piano as he slung the backpack over his shoulder. As he texted Chester to let him know he was headed over, he passed through reception and said goodbye to Mrs. Hawthorne. Mike desperately hoped that traffic would be kind and he would get to Amir’s quickly. He wanted to spend every second with Chester that he could before he picked up Ryan.

Driving the cargo van was a lot different than driving the Civic. Mike could see a little farther ahead of him, but he also had to take care changing lanes and making right turns. He rolled his eyes at himself as he checked over his shoulder again backing out of the parking lot. _I’m so paranoid I’m going to hit something. It’s going to be a long ass drive of me freaking out about this van and trying to keep things nice with Ryan._ He wished again that Chester could go with them, but every inch of space was precious, and his boyfriend really wasn’t in any shape to drive thirty-five hours over the course of two and a half days.

Mike flipped through his mental inventory of the things at Jason’s house while he drove. He knew there were several paintings that would take up a lot of space in the van, but as hard as he tried, he couldn’t come up with the number of boxes he’d packed. It didn’t seem like it would be too much, but there was a reason they had decided to send Mike’s things to Seattle with Jason’s. It was enough that moving it separately would be an inconvenience, just like it was proving to be now. He scowled at himself as he thought about it. _Stupid. I was being so stupid. I deserve every uncomfortable second of this trip. And I don’t even want to see Jason. It’s going to be awful. I never should have said yes to him. It wasn’t right. Not for Chester, not for me, and it wasn’t fair to Jason, either. And Ryan. How he’s even tolerating the idea of this trip is beyond me. I wonder if he will even go inside when we get there, or if he’s going to wait in the car. They probably don’t even want to see each other. What a mess._

He didn’t get to Amir’s as quickly as he had hoped, but there was still enough time for Mike to see his boyfriend and not feel completely rushed. He took the familiar route through the lobby and up the elevator, and was knocking on Amir’s front door before he pressed send on the text he’d been typing to tell Chester he was there. Mike hoped he’d gotten to the apartment before Amir, and they might actually have a few minutes alone before he left. 

Chester made his way across the apartment. He couldn’t wait to finally be rid of his crutches in a few short weeks. But by the time he made it to the door he didn’t care about his ankle. He wanted to see Mike. He wanted to hold him and kiss his face and tell him goodbye before he would be gone for the whole weekend. 

“Hey,” he said, the moment he saw his boyfriend on the other side. “You made it.” He hobbled out of the way so Mike could step in. 

“I did,” Mike said, coming inside and shutting the door behind him. “Even if I have to go pick up Ryan late, I was going to see you before I left.” He ran one hand down Chester’s arm and laced their fingers together, leaning forward for a quick kiss. “Tell me how your day was, babe.” 

Chester squeezed Mike’s hand before he let him go, and nodded toward his open bedroom door. “Let’s go sit down first,” he suggested. He led the way, and the moment he got close to the bed, he turned himself around and plopped down with a sigh. He set his crutches off to the side. “You don’t have to close it. No one is home.” 

Mike wanted to fall into the bed next to Chester and curl up and never leave, but avoiding the reality of the weekend wouldn’t do either of them any good. “Glad I beat Amir,” he remarked as he sat down next to Chester on the bed, leaving the door open. “I was hoping I’d get you alone for a few minutes.” He turned to face his boyfriend, tucking one foot up under him and letting the other hang off the side of the bed. 

Chester reached over, cupping Mike’s knee and smoothing his thumb back and forth over it. He could feel just a bit of warm skin from the nearby rip in the material of his jeans. “It’s different, isn’t it? From when we used to live together, I mean.” He looked out the open door into the quiet apartment. “It’s funny because I know it wasn’t that long ago, but it feels like it’s been a stretch now of being apart.”

“Yeah.” Mike hesitated, unsure what to say to that. He hated them being apart, but he knew it was necessary at the moment. Not only because neither of them had their own place, but because Chester didn’t quite trust him yet, despite being willing to work on their relationship. It was a delicate subject. He watched Chester’s hand on his knee and then looked up to try to catch his eyes, but Chester was staring into the apartment. “It feels like forever. I really miss you,” he dared to say, hoping that Chester would agree with him. 

Chester nodded slowly as he turned to look at Mike. “I do, too. Being here’s okay, and I’m grateful for it, but it’s not the same. I hate being a guest. I hate not getting to see you as much.” He dropped his eyes for a second. “I talked to Ryan earlier. He promised me he’d be cool this weekend, so I hope it goes okay.” 

“I guess we’ll find out,” Mike said. He wasn’t confident about his or Ryan’s ability to be “cool” but he hoped they could both at least be cordial. “I still don’t understand why he’s willing to go. I mean, I’m grateful he is, but I don’t think I could do it, if I were in his position.” 

Chester shrugged. “He’s oddly calm about it. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s looking forward to it. I don’t know, he’s weird sometimes.” He stopped his rubbing to squeeze Mike’s knee. “What about you?” he whispered. “Are you going to be okay?”

Mike shrugged. “It’s going to suck. All of it. But I can do it. I just want to get my stuff and get back home. I wish it wasn’t such a long drive.” He stopped before he added, _and I wish it was with literally anyone but Ryan._ He picked up Chester’s hand and held it tightly. “I just want it all over so we can move on.” 

Chester agreed before he leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to Mike’s barely parted lips. “I’m going to miss you,” he whispered, before kissing across Mike’s cheek to his ear. The idea of Mike going so far away to see Jason wasn’t a pleasant one. He hated to admit how soothing it was to know Ryan would be there, and would honestly report back to Chester if anything went wonky, if there was even a hint of things not truly being over between Jason and his boyfriend. 

Mike closed his eyes. “I’m going to miss you, too. I’m going to think about you every second I’m gone.” He turned to meet Chester’s lips, pulling him into a longer kiss this time and sucking on his lip ring. It was familiar and comforting to be able to kiss that way, to take his time and savor it, even with the minutes ticking away in his head. Mike flipped the jewelry with the tip of his tongue and pulled away slowly, a smile creeping over his face. “What will you do while I’m away?”

“Probably not much,” Chester answered honestly. “You and Ry are the two people I spend my time with, and you’ll both be gone.” The sudden realization that the two people he loved most in the world were leaving together hit him. They were going to be gone for days, not hours. They would be far away, too far away if something bad happened. “I just want you guys to be safe,” he said, slipping his hand around Mike’s back, and caressing his side. 

“We’ll be careful,” Mike promised, wiggling a little bit closer to Chester’s touch. “That’s the whole point of Ryan going, so we won’t get too tired driving.” He felt Chester’s hand poking around, trying to get up under his t-shirt and he giggled softly. “You know if we start something like that, I’ll be late to get Ryan,” he said, even as he reached out to run both palms up Chester’s thighs and grab him by the hips. 

Chester knew it was the last time he was going to see Mike for a few days, the last time he was going to get to feel his touch. “Can’t have you being late, Sexy Boy, that’s just naughty of you,” he said, before taking another kiss from his lover. He didn’t rush it. He let himself be held, as he finally got his hand up under Mike’s shirt. He petted his fingers over every bit of warm skin he could find, while he kissed with his eyes closed. 

Mike hummed his approval into the kiss. He really didn’t care if he was late, even though he knew it would be starting the trip off on the wrong foot. Chester’s fingers felt nice, and he flexed his own into the fabric of the shorts he was grabbing, thinking about reaching around to grab his boyfriend’s ass and pull him closer. He stopped just in time, remembering Chester’s hurt ankle, and pulled back to look into Chester’s eyes. “I want to be naughty,” he affirmed, licking his lips. “It’s so much better than the alternative. I’ve been dreading leaving all day.” 

“I’ve been dreading it, too,” Chester assured him before he tilted his head, getting his lips close to Mike’s ear. “I want to be naughty with you,” he whispered, before flicking his tongue out to toy with Mike’s gold hoop earring. “You’re my favorite person in the world to be naughty with.”

There was no thought of time or the fact that Ryan would be waiting as Mike nodded. “What do you have in mind?” he whispered, leaning into Chester’s teasing tongue. “I’m all yours.” Mike wanted Chester to keep kissing his ear but he wanted something more, too, and he wasn’t entirely certain that his lover was being serious. 

Chester took a moment to play with Mike’s ear, to suck on his earring and run his tongue up and down every bit of skin he could touch. “Hmmmmmm,” he hummed, squeezing his fingers into Mike’s side. “I know you have to go, so I don’t want you to be too late. No one’s here, we could have a wild, loud quickie.” 

Mike paused for a second. He knew their definition of wild and loud had changed, and his mind scrambled to put together how things should go. Even with Chester holding him close, Mike managed to turn his head to really look at his boyfriend. “Wild and loud, huh?” he asked with a hint of teasing, “there’s only so wild we can get with your ankle still messed up.” Mike’s eyes went past Chester’s face to the bed. “Unless you want to get up on the edge of the bed like you did that one time, with your foot hanging off. _That_ was fun.” 

Chester’s eyes widened a little. “That was fun. You’re so smart,” he said with a cheeky grin. He plopped a sloppy kiss to Mike’s cheek before he pulled back. “And I know, my wildness has to be tame at the moment.” He glanced out the bedroom door. “But we can be as loud as we want. It’s been tough trying to stay quiet when we’re here.” He cocked his head towards the door before he pulled his t-shirt off and slapped it at Mike’s front. “Hurry up, Sexy Boy.” 

Mike slid off the bed and shrugged out of the flannel he was wearing, pulling it off as he stood up. “You always call _me_ impatient,” he grumbled playfully. “I’ll be naked before you are.” He watched Chester’s face light up with the challenge and reached to pull his t-shirt off by the back of the collar. “Look, I’ve got more clothes than you and I’m almost finished.” He tossed his shirt to the floor and went for the button on his jeans. 

Chester was already leaning back on the bed, wiggling his way out of his shorts. “I’m also broken over here, Mike,” he reminded his boyfriend. “I should get, like, handicap points or something.” He knew the term, but wasn’t sure what it meant. It sounded like it was something in his favor though as he managed his shorts over his hurt ankle. “Ha! Down to underwear,” he announced as he started working on those next. 

“I just know the fastest way to get you naked is to race you,” Mike smirked, his jeans dropping to the floor. He shoved his boxers down and stood in front of Chester, his hands on his hips. “I remember when I wouldn’t take my shirt off in front of you. Now look at me.” His smirk became a grin and he shook his hips in a small circle. “Naked at Amir’s.” 

Chester’s underwear were long gone, and he was lost staring up at the look of sheer giddiness in Mike’s black eyes. “I love you,” he said, reaching both arms out for his boyfriend to come closer. He knocked Mike’s hands out of the way, so he could hold onto his hips instead. He placed a kiss on his lover’s stomach first. And then another. He trailed them lightly all along his belly button, and then down a little lower. He slid one hand around to take Mike’s partially erect cock. It was only seconds before he was kissing its tip, and running his tongue around the shaft, before letting it go and looking back up. “Helping you get wet,” he said simply. 

“God, Ches, you can do that anytime you want.” Mike reached to run his hand over the top of Chester’s soft hair. “I love your mouth. And all of you. I want all of you.” He leaned over and dropped a kiss to the top of Chester’s head. “Come on,” he coaxed, “I’ll help you get up on the bed the right way. And I’ll get the lube.” Mike took a little step back and held out his hand. “Let’s make the most of the little bit of time we have.” 

Chester took Mike’s hand, and stood up, balancing on one foot. “You’d think I’d be better at this by now,” he only half laughed as he turned himself around. He climbed onto the bed. “Just give me a sec,” he said, as he carefully positioned himself. He made sure his knees were on the edge of the bed, and his ankle was far enough off to the side that it wouldn’t get bumped. He wiggled himself around, testing out his leverage, and when it felt like he was stable, he swung his head around to see Mike with the lube from the nightstand in hand. “I’m ready.”

Before he opened the lube Mike ran his free hand up Chester’s back, smoothing over the soft, warm skin. He’d touched Chester this way more times than he could count, and it was part of their relationship he’d always loved. He knew how lucky he was to be able to touch him this way again. “Me too.” There wasn’t a lot of time, but Mike forced himself to slow down and start things properly, covering his fingers in gel and carefully penetrating his lover, wiggling his finger slowly and coating Chester’s insides with lube. His heart was beating frantically and he willed himself to take a few deep breaths while they took care of this part, knowing soon he’d be able to replace his fingers with his cock. After all of this time, Mike knew how good it would feel. “I love you,” he whispered, “tell me when you’re ready, babe.” 

Chester’s hands were gripped to the blanket, his eyes closed. The late afternoon air was coming in through the open window, sending a warm breeze through the room as Chester hummed his approval. He didn’t want to think about the time as he felt Mike add a finger, expanding him even more. It felt good, but he knew they needed to move things along. “I’m ready,” he mentioned over his shoulder, already bracing himself for the change that was coming. 

Mike leaned over, dragging his lips along the skin of Chester’s lower back while he slowly pulled his fingers out. He was having a hard time staying focused on the amount of time they realistically had, wanting instead to take his time and savor every second. It just wasn’t going to work out that way today, though, and he had to admit it to himself as he pulled back and lubed himself up, ready to be connected to Chester. He wanted to make love to him slowly but they were both going to have to settle for this quickie they’d started.

“Tell me if I bump your foot,” he mentioned, getting into position to push himself inside. He couldn’t wait for Chester’s ankle to be healed and to not have to think about that anymore. It was another moment of distraction while he used one hand to tease the head of his cock over Chester’s opening. “Here you go, babe.” He stopped teasing and put a little bit of pressure behind his movements, hissing a slow breath as he felt himself sink into his lover. Mike felt the immediate tension and the warmth, and he stopped to let Chester adjust until he nodded his head, and then it was on. With both hands on Chester’s hips, he worked his way completely inside in a series of small thrusts in and out, watching for any sign that he was going too fast. There would be time for faster once Chester’s body was ready. 

It had been a few days since they’d had sex, and Chester’s body was taking its time relaxing. He had his head down, his mouth open as he breathed. Mike’s familiar strokes felt good, and the usual burning sensation was already fading as everything opened up. Chester moaned before he dropped his upper half down to the bed, his cheek pressed into the pink and silver blanket. “God, Mike,” he groaned, his knees digging into the mattress. 

That was a signal that Mike knew well. The moment Chester’s upper half hit the bed, he knew things were good and he was ready for it. He leaned closer, feeling the strain in his legs as he braced one hand on the mattress and wrapped the other around Chester’s waist, pulling him close to meet his thrusts. The increasing speed felt good, and he got into a good rhythm, holding his lover against him as he worked his hips. The steady in and out felt good, the depth maximized by the way he kept Chester’s body in place. “Fuck, you feel good.” He wished he was in a position to grab a kiss, but this wasn’t about that now. This was about the two of them getting off, about sending Mike on his trip with the thought of Chester fresh in his mind. 

Mike was in deep, and Chester was feeling every single push and pull. He was being pounded into the bed, his bottom taking the impact. Chester’s eyes were shut, his mouth slack as moan after moan came out. He was consumed, and his boyfriend’s hold around his waist had him cemented right where he was. At some point Chester’s tongue rolled out of his mouth, slobber following it as words and noise completely disappeared. His body was rushing with arousal and the faster Mike went, the quicker his body was losing the fight to hold it back. His orgasm was on its way.

Mike’s head was dropped forward, his thighs and calves burning as he kept his position. Already he could feel the shake in his body and the tingle in his toes, and everything was geared toward keeping that feeling moving closer to release. He tightened his arm around Chester. “You’ll have to help,” he gasped around gritted teeth. Both hands were occupied with keeping his balance and keeping the pace, and he wanted to be sure Chester got his orgasm. “I’m already there.” 

Chester heard it, and despite being almost devoured in sub-space, he reached under himself. His hand wrapped around his dripping cock, but his touch wasn’t steady. He only managed to stroke himself a few times before Mike’s dick hit something inside him, and suddenly his insides thrust forward with release. A second later warm cum was all over Chester’s hand as he moaned through it. 

With his eyes squeezed shut tightly, Mike agreed with every one of Chester’s moans, chanting “yes, yes” to every sound from his boyfriend. He loved the way it felt to experience Chester’s orgasm with him and he loved how it never failed to give him the extra bit of energy he needed to finish himself. Mike pulled Chester tightly against him as he came as deeply inside his lover as he could get, pressing them both down into the mattress as it hit. It had been exactly what they were going for - quick and satisfying - and the only part of the whole thing that wasn’t fun was the fact that Mike knew he couldn’t crawl up into the bed with Chester and pass out. His mind had barely finished working through the post-orgasm fog when he remembered he had a long night of driving ahead. 

“Ches. Ches, god, I love you,” he half-whispered, half-whined. “I just wanna stay here.” 

With Mike’s weight still on top of him, Chester opened his eyes. His ass felt numb, but full, and that was the best feeling in the world. “I love you, too,” he said, his voice strained as he breathed hard. “I wish you could stay.” He reached behind him with his clean hand, his fingers grazing over Mike’s arm that was close by. 

Mike sighed. It was a short leap from self-pity to the awareness that his legs were tired. “I’m getting up,” he said, leaving a short kiss between Chester’s shoulder blades. “My legs are shaky.” He steadied himself and carefully pulled out, watching Chester wince and then flatten out on the bed once Mike was finished. He stood up straight and stretched his arms over his head, his eyes catching sight of the open door to the bedroom. “I can’t believe we did that here with the door open.” 

Chester didn’t want to move. The vast change from being full to empty in mere seconds was always jarring. With his eyes closed, he said, “I told you I wanted to be naughty with you. I think leaving the door open qualifies this as an officially naughty act.” He grinned before he lifted his head and slowly turned over so he could sit up. He reached out and lightly slapped Mike’s naked thigh. “You animal.” 

“That’s me,” Mike grinned, rolling his eyes. “A naughty animal.” If he had been asked to describe himself in two words, those would not have been the words he chose, but they worked for now. “Ugh. Last thing I want to do now is drive. I’m going to need some coffee for the road. Maybe you want to make me some after we clean up?” he asked hopefully. 

Even with his ankle still in the boot, the idea of getting to make Mike something was one Chester couldn’t resist. “You bet,” he answered right away. “We’ll make a quick trip to the bathroom and then you can lounge on the couch and I’ll make you some kickass strong coffee. Amir’s got to-go cups.” He reached for his crutches, careful not to get anything sticky on them before slowly following Mike out of the room. 

Mike helped get all the sticky spots off Chester in the bathroom and watched him wash his hands before he took care of his own business quickly. It felt strange to walk through Amir’s apartment without clothes, and he tried to be as efficient as possible. He got back into his jeans and t-shirt and then helped Chester with his clothes, snagging his flannel from the floor before flipping off the bedroom light and making his way back out into the living space. Chester was already in the kitchen getting coffee started when Mike plopped down on the couch and leaned his head back. He knew if he closed his eyes he’d fall asleep, so he stared up at Amir’s ceiling. “I’ll Facetime you when we stop tonight,” he mentioned, thinking through the rest of his day. “I’m sure Ryan will hate that, but I want to see you again before I go to sleep.” 

Chester leaned his crutches against the kitchen counter. He’d gotten used to the small, efficient space, and he could hobble around pretty well without the aid of the bulky crutches. He was just plucking down a coffee mug for himself to go with the to-go cup for Mike, when he heard his boyfriend’s tired voice. “I’m all for Facetiming,” he said, glancing over his shoulder. “And Ryan will be fine. I texted him, by the way, told him you were running late and that it’s all my fault.” He flashed his lover a wide grin. 

“Oh, great.” Mike covered his eyes with his hand, feeling his face flush a little. “You know he knows _exactly_ what that means. Way to make it awkward. Or more awkward,” he amended. Ryan’s dislike of him was far from a secret, and Mike knew he’d brought that upon himself. Despite the excellent time he’d spent with Chester just now, he could feel the anxiety starting to come back. It lodged in the pit of his stomach and demanded that he take notice. “He hates me so much.” 

“I wasn’t trying to make it awkward. More awkward,” Chester agreed. “I just wanted him to know that you weren’t jerking him around or anything.” With his walking boot resting gently on the floor, Chester crossed his arms and leaned his butt against the counter while the aroma of coffee started to fill the space. “And yeah, you’re not his favorite person. But you know, one of these days he’s going to see what I see. I’m hoping for one day sooner than later on that.” 

Mike just nodded. He didn’t figure Ryan Shuck would ever see him as anything other than the person who had taken both Chester and Jason away from him. He had no idea what they would even say to each other over the course of the weekend, and worrying about it was starting to make him feel sick. He watched Chester turn back to the coffee maker before he realized he should be doing something to help. “Want me to come in there, babe? I can pour my own, I’m being so lazy in here when I should be getting stuff for you.” Even though he was talking, he didn’t make a move to get up. His legs felt heavy from exertion. 

“Nope, stay where you are,” Chester ordered in his serious voice. He even tossed in a stern glare Mike’s way. “I can do this. I’m broken, but I’m not useless.” The coffee was done, and Chester carefully poured both cups. He could move around the kitchen to fetch the sugar and cream for his own, but he wouldn’t be able to manage walking Mike’s over to him. “And you know, if you need something to talk about with Ryan, just ask him about life with Talinda,” he said with a snort. “That’s always time consuming _and_ entertaining.” He dished his sugar in his own cup before telling Mike he could come get his. 

“I can’t believe he’s living with her,” Mike said as he got up to get both of their cups and bring them back to the couch. “Although, I can’t believe any of us are living where we are. To go from all being in that loft to all being in different places so fast, it’s crazy.” He shook his head. Thoughts of Jason in Seattle, Chester here, and himself at Joe’s all crowded into his head at once. He had no idea what Talinda’s place looked like or he was sure he’d be thinking about that, too. It was on the tip of his tongue to say something about the two of them living together again, someday, but Mike stayed silent. He knew it would have to be Chester’s suggestion when that happened again.

Chester got himself over to the couch, and carefully sat himself down next to Mike before tossing his crutches away. “Talinda’s okay,” he said, as he took his cup of coffee. It was steaming hot and Chester took a moment to appreciate the intoxicating smell, and the warmth on his hands as he held the mug. “She’s insane, but she’s okay. They’re actually making it work, at least for now.” He blew across the rim of his coffee cup. “Other than that, there’s always YRS gossip. That’s always fun.” 

“That’s never really entertained me the way it entertains you two,” Mike said lightly, cradling his cup in both hands. He’d have to figure it out in the van, or they would just have to endure each other in silence. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. Chester was sitting close to him, and he took the opportunity to shift closer and feel the other man’s body heat. “I’m gonna miss you,” he said, changing the subject and nuzzling his nose against Chester’s neck. “It’s going to feel like forever.” 

Chester twisted his head, plopping a soft kiss to Mike’s cheek. “I’m going to miss you, too. I hate it when we’re apart. It always feels wrong. Like something’s missing.” He let out a soft sigh, his shoulders slumping a little. “It’s only two days,” he said in his best convincing voice. “And you’ll get to spend two nights in hotels, that’s kinda fun. You can order double desserts and eat both of them.”

“I’m sure I’ll be too tired for that. And hotels are only fun when you’re there, too,” Mike pouted. “What will you do while I’m gone?” He took a quick sip of his coffee and avoided looking at his watch. He knew he needed to leave but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Chester put his hand on Mike’s knee, rubbing it gently. “Well, after you leave I’ll probably take a shower, and then get something to eat for dinner. Then my lazy, broken ass will crash in bed for the rest of the night, until you call.” He stopped, his focus on his fingers massaging over Mike’s jean-covered knee. “If you do end up getting dessert, hang onto it till we Facetime, and we can eat something together, if you want.” He leaned forward, trying to catch Mike’s dark eyes, and smiled. 

“Okay, I’ll do that.” Mike looked over at his boyfriend, who was being such a good sport about the whole thing. “Sorry to be so whiny. I just really don’t want to do this at all. I know I have to. I want to get it over with.” He tried to smile a little. “First thing I’m doing when we get back to LA is coming here. Ryan can hang out with Amir or something. All I’ll want to do is hold you.” He covered Chester’s hand on his knee with his own and squeezed their fingers together. “You know I should probably get going.” 

Chester nodded. “I know.” He took a deep breath before he pulled his hand away. He was doing his best to play everything cool. He knew the long drive to and from Seattle would be almost like torture for his boyfriend, but it was important Mike owned up to the consequences of his choices, even if Chester wasn’t going to point it out. He knew his lover felt bad enough. “Kiss me,” he whispered softly, reaching to pet his fingers over Mike’s beard and turn his head so their lips could meet. “And then you can go.” 

Mike closed the small space between them, letting his lips fold gently over Chester’s. He slid his hand up Chester’s leg and held on, feeling his boyfriend’s fingers spread over his cheek and then move into his long hair. Their kiss was sweet, and nothing like the raw passion from the bedroom minutes ago. Mike ran his tongue over Chester’s lip ring once, and smiled as their lips parted. “If I keep kissing you, then I don’t have to go,” he whispered, watching Chester’s eyes crack open slightly. 

“No good, Sexy Boy. You gotta go.” Chester pressed a quick kiss to Mike’s cheek, and then he pulled back, breaking most of their contact. “Now go on, I have a busy day of doing nothing to get to.” He motioned toward the door. 

With a heavy sigh, Mike moved away. “Fine.” He stuck his bottom lip out and gave Chester his best puppy dog eyes. “I guess we can finish that when we get back. Thanks for the coffee.” He stood up and reached out, caressing the top of Chester’s head. “If you miss me, call me. I’d rather talk to you on the way up there than Ryan.”

Chester pulled away from Mike’s hand with a laugh. “You’re so pathetic, and I can’t miss you if you don’t leave.” He leaned forward enough to slap his hand at Mike’s ass. “Go on, go get your stuff and hurry your ass back here. And tell Ry I said hi,” he added with his most ornery grin.

“I will.” Mike started walking backwards toward the door, keeping his coffee steady in one hand. “I love you, Chester. And I’ll be back as fast as I can.” He blew a kiss toward the couch. 

“I love you, too, and I’ll be right here when you get back.” Chester said, catching Mike’s kiss. “Drive safe!” he added in as his boyfriend opened the door. He watched as Mike waved, and they both said goodbye, and then he was gone. 

The apartment was suddenly quiet, and Chester sat still on the couch as the feeling of loneliness sank in almost immediately. _He’ll be okay. And he’ll come home to me. I know he will._

****

Mike was over an hour late, but Ryan let it slide. _Only because Chaz told me it was his fault. Whatever. I’m sure Horny Boy had a lot to do with it._ He cast his eyes to the side, giving Mike his best glare from the passenger’s seat of the cargo van. Both their overnight bags were in the back, and the bucket seats gave them plenty of separate space, which Ryan was thankful for. The air conditioning was on, but he hadn’t taken off his leather jacket yet. That felt a little too much like settling in for the long drive, and the tense state of things was keeping that at bay.

Ryan crossed his arms. They weren’t even out of LA yet, and already Mike was annoying him. After his somewhat of an apology for being late, he’d rambled through his thoughts on the driving schedule, all between yawns while he sipped coffee and groaned when he got into the driver’s seat. _We can’t get to Seattle fast enough,_ Ryan thought for the hundredth time. So far the only good point was the radio - Mike had offered for Ryan to put on whatever he wanted to listen to, and at the moment it was a saving grace as the 90s rock tunes played through the vehicle. Ryan had kept himself from singing along, even though he’d already caught Mike tossing in a vocal here and there. It was a shock that they actually liked the same music, but Ryan didn’t want to bring it up. He wasn’t ready to find things in common with Mike Shinoda yet.

Instead he spent the time looking out the windows, and splitting texts between Chester and Jason. He had to double check every time he sent one that it was going to the right person. _I just want to get there and see Jay. I’ll know more about where things are going if we’re face to face. Well, IF they’re going anywhere._ It was a despairing thought and Ryan shoved it away as the next song came on, and he let himself hum along and whisper some of the lyrics. After all, _Losing My Religion_ by R.E.M had been embedded in his brain since he was a teenager; he almost couldn’t help himself. 

Mike picked up his coffee from the console again and frowned. The cup was almost empty, and the long drive stretched in front of them. So far Ryan hadn’t been very talkative, and that was fine with Mike, though it did feel strange to be sharing the close space and not acknowledging each other. He finished off his drink and sighed. _At least the music is tolerable. But what will happen when we get out of range? Then what?_ He tried to look sideways at Ryan, but he could only see so much without turning his head. The other man was closed off - arms crossed and mouth shut - and Mike almost shrugged his shoulders. If Ryan wanted to pretend he wasn’t there while he tried to quietly hum along with the radio, that was fine. He wished he could text Chester, but texting and driving wasn’t something he made a habit of doing. 

He knew that sooner or later they would be stuck making conversation with each other. Mike wracked his brain trying to come up with safe subjects to talk about. It seemed like everything he could think of was somehow controversial between the two of them. Chester, Score, YRS, and especially Jason - they were all subjects that he and Ryan could talk about extensively, but that would end in an argument for sure. They didn’t even like their coffee made the same way. Mike shifted in his seat and moved one hand off the steering wheel to rub the back of his neck. He glanced at the clock and immediately regretted it. 

Watching - hearing - Mike twitch beside him was almost maddening. Ryan had his seatbelt on, and his long legs were a little cramped, but he still managed to twist enough to get a good look at his companion. Mike’s longer hair was half in his eyes, and his hands wouldn’t stop. One second they were on the steering wheel, then the gear shift, then the window, then the armrest. “Alright, just say it,” Ryan finally said over the music. If there was one thing he knew about Mike Shinoda, it was that his mouth never stopped. He’d never heard Mike’s tongue be so quiet for so long. He waited for the few seconds it took for Mike’s surprised expression to cross his face before Ryan turned the music down. “I know you’re thinking something over there. Even driving you can’t sit still. So whatever it is, just say it.” 

There was a long beat of silence, then Mike sighed again. He hadn’t really been expecting Ryan to be so aggressive, but now he wondered why he hadn’t. There were plenty of reasons he hated Mike, and a list of things to confront him about. “I, well, I just…” Mike rubbed his hand over his mouth and then scratched the side of his face. “I was trying to think of something for us to talk about. And everything I came up with was something you probably hate me for, in one way or another, so I decided to just be quiet.” He moved his hand down to scratch his flannel covered arm, keeping his eyes carefully on the road. 

Ryan let out a soft huff. “You’re probably right, it’s not a short list I hate you for. Eh, hate’s a strong word,” he decided, sitting back in his seat and looking out the front windshield. “You and I just don’t mix well. I don’t think we ever have. It’s ironic that Chaz likes us both.”

Mike bit his tongue to keep from mentioning that Chester liking Ryan was part of the issue between the three of them. It took him a minute to sort through the emotions that thought sent through him, and then he agreed. “You’re right. I didn’t like you when I first met you. I was jealous of you.” He still didn’t look over at Ryan. Admitting that he hadn’t cared for the other man from the very beginning was a big deal. He remembered Ryan showing up to the loft uninvited and drunk, upset over Jason. _Jason. God, it’s all linked together. Ryan wouldn’t have ever been there if Jason had been able to get away from Mark. It always ends up being Mark’s fault._ Mike cleared his throat. “It was obvious there was something a little more between you two than just colleagues, and I didn’t handle it well. I’m sorry about that.” 

Ryan stayed quiet as he thought. He figured eventually things would be said between the two of them on this trip, that the dirt they’d both been shuffling around about each other would come to the surface. But he wasn’t expecting it to happen quite so soon. It was on Ryan’s mind to restate for the millionth time that he and Chester were just friends, but he didn’t. He knew that no one believed that, maybe Ryan didn’t either. “No, you didn’t handle it well,” he agreed, keeping his voice calm. “I’m really glad you can admit that. I guess my question is, why didn’t you trust Chaz? He’s been crazy about you ever since you guys became boyfriends. And I know,” he stated, a hand on his chest, “because he hasn’t shut up about you ever since.” 

“I was scared,” Mike admitted, thinking back to the early days of his relationship with Chester. “Ches had only admitted to me that he was in porn a week or so before that night you came over, and, I don’t know.” He stopped, trying to figure out how to have this conversation with Ryan. The truth was that Mike couldn’t understand how Chester could have sex and not have feelings attached, and he had waited so long to find the right person to share that act with. He’d been terrified that Chester would choose someone else, or that he had made a bad decision. It all sounded stupid now, after what had happened with Jason. The person that was so instantly jealous of Ryan was the same person that turned around and cheated, and Mike didn’t know how to explain himself anymore. “I just wanted him to myself,” he finally said. “I was brought up believing that, you know. Sex was only supposed to be with one person. And he was still working with you.” 

Now it was getting hot in the van. Ryan pulled his jacket off and tossed it into the back. He stretched his neck and fussed with his dark gray muscle shirt. He didn’t want to say anything too fast, and he really didn’t want to bring up the flaw in Mike’s high-and-mighty theory about only being with one person your whole life. Instead he thought about Chester, and how difficult navigating his first real romantic relationship had been. “You know he was so scared to tell you,” Ryan said, both his hands on his legs as he gripped his jeans. “He tried to come up with some way to not have to tell you...crazy stuff like running away to another country or trying to change his name and _go missing_.” Ryan shook his head. “None of it made sense. I told him he needed to do it before you guys went too far, and he knew he had to, too. For what it’s worth, I appreciate that you came around and stuck by him even after you found out. I know that wasn’t easy.”

Mike was silent, thinking over Ryan’s words. Finding out that Chester was a porn star was a moment he could clearly remember. He remembered walking out of the loft, too, and he felt his cheeks flush from shame. “It was hard.” His words were soft and slow. “I knew I couldn’t just stop being with him, though. It hurt too much. I’ve walked out on him too many times, but I’m not going to do that anymore. He deserves better. If we’re going to fight, it’s going to be together, not against each other.” Mike wasn’t going to keep making the same mistakes. Being apart for almost a month and coming back together had proven to him that the only thing that really mattered was Chester. 

“He does deserve better,” Ryan agreed easily. “He can act tough, but he’s got a soft heart.” Ryan closed his eyes for a minute as he thought. It was nice to hear that Mike was determined to change, and no longer leave Chester in tears or in a frantic mess by walking out. He could only hope that the other man meant what he was saying. “He told me about the two of you going to dinner with Forrest the other week. That meant a lot to him.” It was the best thing Ryan could come up with that wouldn’t sound like he was doubting Mike’s declaration of loyalty. “He’s talked about quitting Score, I really hope he doesn’t.”

“I don’t want him to do that,” Mike said quickly, this time turning to look at Ryan fully. “I know he enjoys it. It’s driving him nuts not to be able to work. I want you to know, I didn’t tell him to quit.” He shook his head emphatically and looked back at the road. “There were some things that I didn’t exactly like, but that’s my problem to solve. I told him that.” Mike felt like a big part of his reconciliation with Chester had hinged on him accepting Score, and learning to deal with his jealousy in a mature way. He’d reassured Chester, told him to keep working. It was important that Ryan knew he was serious about that.

Silence shifted between them again as Ryan pursed his lips. Maybe Mike hadn’t come out and told Chester he didn’t like him working at Score, but he’d said enough other things to make Chester feel that way. “Do you remember that ad me and Chaz did for Phenomenon? The one we did up in Oxnard?” 

Mike remembered the ad vividly. It had been the trigger for Chester leaving him after he’d accused him of sleeping with Ryan behind his back. Of course he remembered. He’d never forget it, the sight of his boyfriend on Ryan’s lap in nothing but bright red underwear. “Yeah. I remember,” he said, struggling to keep his voice even. “Why?” He didn’t want to get yelled at for what he’d done that evening. 

Ryan looked over when he heard the restraint in Mike’s voice. “Do you want to know what really happened during that shoot? Chaz never got the chance to tell you,” he said, even though he knew that detail wasn’t necessary.

“Sure.” Mike didn’t know if he was ready to hear the story, but there wasn’t anywhere else to go. They were stuck in the van for hours. “I’ve only seen the pictures. I haven’t heard anything about them.” 

Ryan shook his head. “It’s not really about the pictures, it’s about what happened before the pictures were taken.” His focus landed on the middle console between them as he remembered back to the day they’d arrived at the warehouse looking building in Oxnard. “He didn’t have a choice, Mike,” he started. “Talinda - well, Phenomenon - made him put the underwear on. He was freaking out. He was so worried you’d be mad at him for it. He even begged Talinda to let him wear something else. If it would have been up to him, we both would have been fully dressed. I know you hate those pictures, but he was thinking about you.”

If Mike hadn’t been driving he would have hung his head in shame. _Of course he was thinking about me. He’s always thinking about me. I’m the one who screws everything up._ He let out another sigh. “Everything was all wrong when those pictures came out. We were, we were… things were just hard.” He decided not to go too deep into it, even though he was certain Ryan knew how his and Chester’s sex life was practically non-existent at that point, and things were a mess. “I just lost it because it was _you_. With anyone else I could remember it was just acting, just pretend, but it wasn’t anyone else. It was _you._ I just couldn’t see past that.” 

It was hard for Ryan to hear without feeling accused. He thought about mentioning the kiss that had happened that day, and how he and Chester had discussed it afterwards, mutually deciding that it had been too much, and shouldn’t happen again. _That was before things went nuts._ It seemed like a moot point, and he let that go as another memory invaded his thoughts. A blurry memory of sitting on the floor in the kitchen at the loft, and Jason tapping his foot as he explained that Mike had always been jealous of him when it came to Chester. 

“I’m sure Chaz has told you,” he said, a hand on the back of his neck, “but we’ve drawn some tighter lines with each other these days.” 

“He has,” Mike admitted. “And I needed to hear that.” He exhaled a long, slow breath. All of the fears and jealousy he’d had over Chester and Ryan’s relationship had been a major contributor to how things had happened with Jason. Their friendship was something Mike knew he had to accept, and not only accept, but trust. He couldn’t allow himself to be so worried over Ryan or second guess Chester’s loyalty to him. Hearing from Ryan that things were different, just as Chester had said, was reassuring. “If those boundaries had been clearer to me sooner, we probably wouldn’t be in this van together right now. I was stupid, but I’m not going to let your friendship get in the way of our relationship anymore. Mine and Chester’s,” he clarified, clamping his mouth shut immediately afterwards. 

“I never tried to come between you and Chaz,” Ryan shot back. “And I certainly didn’t want anything to happen with you and Jay.” Ryan felt his insides grind as he looked away from Mike. If the van wouldn’t have been moving, he would have jumped out and walked back to Talinda’s. Instead he glared out the side window, watching as the California sun sank lower in the sky. “I know we were too comfortable with each other,” he admitted in a huff. “But it’s utter crap to say that was the reason you did what you did.”

Mike tightened his grip on the steering wheel. His words hadn’t come across the way he intended. “I didn’t say you tried to come between us. I said that I didn’t see the boundaries. I know they were there, even if they got a little blurred. I was insecure, I accused you guys of cheating, and I had all this stuff in my head…” Mike hesitated, thinking of Jason and all the things _he_ had said that hadn’t helped. “I was just trying to say, if I’d had better control of myself it wouldn’t have happened. And, I know it doesn’t mean much to you now, but I’m sorry it all went the way it did.” He kept his eyes on the road. He’d tried to apologize before, but Ryan hadn’t wanted to hear it then. There was no reason to think he’d want to hear it now, either.

“The only saving grace you have with me, is that you actually chose Chester in the end _before_ everything with Jay crashed and burned.” Ryan forced himself to look Mike’s way. After living together for six full months, he could fill in the parts of Mike he couldn’t see - his black eyes and the other side of his face. The pieces of his flannel shirt that were tucked from his view. He had no idea what Jason or Chester saw in him, but that didn’t matter. Chester loved Mike, and Ryan brought that back to the front. He let out a sigh. “I don’t want us to argue, I really don’t. I know it hurts Chaz that we don’t get along.” _But did you have to go after Jay? Out of the thousands of available guys in Los Angeles, you went after the one I loved._

“I don’t want to, either. That’s how it is with us. It wouldn’t matter what we said right now, we would find a way to argue about it these days.” Mike glanced at the radio, wondering again how much longer they had before it went to static, and then back outside at the road. He thought maybe the best thing would be to stop talking. At least that way, there wouldn’t be anything for Ryan to take and twist and blame him for. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and put his hand back on the wheel.

Ryan knew the silence would get old. If they were going to survive all the way to their stop in Oregon for the night, they were going to have to find something to talk about. A handful of ideas popped into Ryan’s mind, but he dismissed them all. Much like Mike had said, it was hard to settle on a topic that wouldn’t end in a fight. “That _is_ how we are,” he agreed, glancing over to the driver’s seat. “We’re like fire and ice. We just clash. If we were dating, we’d be one of those couples that’s extremely giddy and happy and in love one day and the next they’re threatening divorce. Not sure we’d have too many giddy days,” he added in before he laughed. 

Mike couldn’t help the snort of laughter that came with the thought of dating Ryan. He was the last person on Earth Mike could picture himself with. “It wouldn’t be happy days and crazy days. More like hours. Back and forth. Until one of us ended up insane.” There was no part of his brain that could put the two of them together in any relationship type situation. They had tolerated living together, but they hadn’t actually spent much time together over those months. Mike’s imagination couldn’t picture Ryan in any role in his life other than Chester’s friend. Trying to put the two of them in a social situation together had him laughing again. “God, could you imagine us trying to go places together? We’d never agree on anything.” 

“It would be worse than that,” Ryan chuckled. “We’d probably get kicked out everywhere we went for fighting.” He rolled his eyes at the thought. “I’m pretty sure we bring the drama queens out of each other.” Suddenly something Chester had told him once about Mike came to mind. “All your paintings would be dark.”

“Sketches,” Mike corrected. “Sketches would be dark. I wouldn’t be painting if we were fighting.” Painting was a different form of outlet for Mike than sketching. He’d always taken to pencil and paper when he was in a bad mood, or angry, or even scared or thoughtful. Painting was for happier thoughts. “Paint is too expensive to waste making everything all black. You mix the colors too much and it looks like mud. You have to be in the right mental space for paint.” 

Ryan shrugged. “Okay, all your sketches. I just know Chazzy told me your art gets dark when things are off. Not sure what that says about you.” He paused, thinking a little deeper over his own statement. “Guess that means your emotions run you more than other people, maybe.”

“Maybe.” Mike looked over quickly, but Ryan was looking straight ahead. He didn’t particularly want his personality analyzed at the moment. “Sometimes I don’t know what makes me the way I am. But I think that can be true for anyone our age, you know? I think we’re all still figuring it out.” 

Ryan looked over. “I wasn’t saying it as a bad thing. It’s just not everyone lets things like that show. Like, even Chaz shows it. You know how he is, he gets upset and he loses his appetite.” He gestured towards Mike. “It’s the same thing. But not everyone is like that. Or hell, I don’t know. Maybe if you know anyone well enough you’d pick up on it if something’s off. But then you have husbands who come home to find out their wife killed the neighbor, and they never saw it coming, so…” He lifted both hands in defeat. “And yeah, our age sucks. I’m ready for what’s next.”

Mike thought that all over for a second. He wasn’t sure how to respond to the neighbor killing statement. _I guess it’s true something can be right in front of your face and you can’t see it. Or the opposite, you can be paranoid enough to see things that aren’t there. I wonder if you ever truly know someone completely. Do people feel that way after they’ve been together for a long time? That they know everything there is to know about each other? Will Ches and I be like that?_ He cleared his throat. “I’ve got friends getting married and then I’ve got friends who are totally career focused and not in a relationship at all. I’m living with Joe, he’s been a friend for a long time, and he’s got a _baby._ A tiny human. It’s scary, thinking about all of that responsibility.” He felt his palms getting a little sweaty thinking about kids. He didn’t even have a dog. Kids seemed so far off from where Mike was in his life. His biggest concern was getting into college, not marriage and children. 

“Kids,” Ryan seconded, before sitting up a little straighter in his seat. “I’m ready. I want all of it. Married, kids, a house or apartment or whatever. Something stable, you know? Home. That’s what I want. A home with someone.” He had to stop himself from filling in more. He glanced Mike’s way. They were actually having a nice conversation, and it was enticing him to say more. “I’d love to be a dad. I think it would be so much fun. Talinda’s got a pet turtle. Skippy,” he said, pulling his phone from his pocket and pulling up his picture app. “I know it’s not the same as having a _tiny human_, but I’ve really bonded with him.”

Ryan held his phone up to show Mike the picture of the little green and yellow turtle. He watched as Mike nodded, and Ryan flipped to the next picture. “Here’s me and skippy chopping up vegetables,” he said with a smile as he held the phone up. “And here’s me and skippy reading in bed.” He showed the third picture before he looked at his phone. “God, my life’s pathetic,” he mumbled. 

“I’d like to have a dog,” Mike decided, having looked at the turtle pictures quickly while trying to keep his focus on the road. “I had one when I was a kid. Well, sort of. It was my mom’s dog. This tiny teacup poodle that she took to get shampooed and fluffed every week. She always came back with a bow on her head, she was so cute. I think my mom loved that dog more than me sometimes. Her name was Zoey.” He thought about the pampered dog for a moment. “I want something bigger than that. But not child-sized,” he joked. 

“I love dogs,” Ryan said rather happily. “But I don’t think I’d want one in the city. I’d have to live in the ‘burbs. Or at least some place that had its own yard. I know people do it, but I don’t think I’d want to be out walking him everytime he had to go pee. Zoey’s a cool name.” Ryan looked over. It was a sudden realization in that moment that Mike’s propensity towards jealousy probably started all the way back as a kid when his mother lavished more attention on the family pet than him. _Maybe he felt that way while everything was so crazy at the loft...that Chaz was showing me more attention than him._

Ryan shook his head and that thought away. No matter what Chester had or hadn’t done, Mike had still chosen his own course of actions, and that wasn’t something Ryan wanted to think about. Nothing was going to change what happened, and he knew that in one way or another, they were all responsible for the sequence of events that had separated the four of them. 

By the time they’d switched drivers, and Ryan pulled the cargo van into the parking lot of the hotel where they’d be crashing for the night, he could barely keep his eyes open. It was after midnight when they walked into the quiet hotel lobby, both of them with their backpacks over their shoulders. 

Ryan stood back and let Mike talk to the blonde attendant behind the front desk, and a few minutes later they were riding the elevator up to the third floor in silence. They dragged themselves down the hallway, and Mike swiped the keycard to open room 309. “I’m so beat,” Ryan mumbled as he followed the other man in. He barely glanced around at the cheesy tan and gray blankets on the double beds before he announced he was taking his turn in the bathroom first. He had no reason to shower, he would do that in the morning. Right now he just wanted to get into pajamas, use the bathroom, wash his face and brush his teeth and then pass out. 

Mike watched Ryan disappear into the bathroom before he plopped down on the bed and reached for his phone. It was late, but he needed to see Chester. One of the last things they’d talked about was Facetiming that evening, and he hoped his boyfriend hadn’t fallen asleep. Mike tapped the iPhone screen and started the video call, settling back onto the double stacked hotel pillows to wait for Chester to answer. His body was tired but his mind was still working through the day, mapping out the drive time for tomorrow, and worrying about seeing Jason again. He hoped seeing Chester would relax him enough to go to sleep. 

The ring from his phone jerked Chester awake. He opened his eyes to see the screen lit. He sat himself up just a little as he yawned and scrubbed a hand over his face, before answering the call. The moment his boyfriend came into view, he smiled. “Hey,” he called softly before clearing his throat. “It’s good to see you.”

“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Mike said immediately, though he had to admit it was good to see Chester too after the hours in the car with Ryan. “You look all sleepy and sweet. I wish I was there.” He glanced over at the closed bathroom door. Ryan was still out of sight, and Mike pressed two fingers to his lips and then blew a kiss at Chester’s image. “Miss you.” 

“I miss you, too, Sexy Boy.” Chester sent a kiss back. “And I wish you _were_ here.” He laid his head back down on the pillow, but kept his eyes open. “It’s so quiet here, we could snuggle right up. Are you guys at the hotel?” 

“Yeah. It’s… fine.” Mike ran his hand over the blanket, frowning at the cheap feel of the fabric. “It will do for tonight. We won’t be here long, anyway. We’re trying to get back on the road early tomorrow morning.”

“That sounds so exhausting,” Chester said, working hard to hold back his yawn. He could see the sleepiness in Mike’s face - in his eyes - and hear it in his voice. “I don’t want to keep you,” he said softly. “You better get some sleep, to be safe driving tomorrow.” Chester waited for a second. He’d been trying not to think about how it would be when Mike physically saw Jason again. He was already wishing he’d talked to Mike more about that, about how he was feeling and what he was worried about, but he hadn’t, and now it was too late for that. 

Mike tried not to let the disappointment show on his face. He knew Chester was right, he needed to go to sleep. “Okay, babe. I promise we’re being careful.” The bathroom door opened and Ryan stepped out, and Mike knew he needed to take his turn so they could go to bed without disturbing each other. “I’ll text you tomorrow when it’s my turn to ride instead of drive.” He sent a soft smile in Chester’s direction. 

“Can’t wait,” Chester whispered. “Sweet dreams, Sexy Boy. I love you.” He waited until Mike returned sentiment and the call disconnected. Chester shut his eyes immediately. He knew he’d be back to sleep in minutes, maybe seconds. He hadn’t moved much during the call and seeing Mike’s face had brought something reassuring with it. 

As soon as his screen went black, Mike was digging in his backpack for his charger so he could plug his phone in on the little table between the beds. He looked over at Ryan, who was doing the same thing. Mike set his phone down and turned back to his bag. “I’ll go change so we can go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.” 

“I’m with that,” Ryan answered. He stood up and pulled the blankets back on the bed Mike hadn’t been sitting on when he came out of the bathroom. _He would take the bed closest to the window. I can add that to his bad points. He’s a bed thief. Pretty sure I mentioned at some point I like being close to the windows in hotels. I need the air._

It was a sour line of thinking, and Ryan knew that wasn’t going to help him sleep. He yawned as he scratched his naked side and then tugged a little on his gray pajama bottoms. He wasn’t used to sleeping in so much, but going commando or even in just underwear in front of Mike felt wrong. He climbed into bed, pushing away the heavier blanket and only keeping the sheet tucked around his lower half. 

He reached for his phone, being careful not to pull it too hard since it was plugged in. He glanced at his last text with Jason, the good night kissing emojis they’d both sent each other about an hour ago. He smiled before he turned his phone off and let his head fall heavily onto the pillow. His body felt tired from the drive, and his mind wasn’t far behind it. Making conversation with Mike Shinoda for six straight hours was exhausting. 

Mike didn’t miss the smile on Ryan’s face before he went to the bathroom. _He’s been texting all night. It couldn’t have been Ches the whole time. Ches was asleep. I wonder who he’s been talking to that makes him smile like that._ Mike almost shrugged his shoulders to his own unspoken question. _Whatever. He’s been in a good mood, and not giving me too hard of a time. Whoever it is, I should thank them._

He took care of his business in the bathroom quickly, brushing his teeth and washing his face before changing into his pajama pants and t-shirt. The room was already dark when he walked back out. Mike felt his way around the bed and tugged back the sheets, hoping he would fall asleep quickly. 

****  
TBC


	43. Blue

Mike could feel his anxiety ticking up notch after notch as the miles brought them closer to Jason’s. It didn’t help that he hadn’t slept well last night and had been fighting fatigue while he and Ryan traded off driving since early that morning. He glanced over at Ryan, who looked a little tense in the passenger seat. _At least he slept last night. I know he did. He was out way before me. I don’t know if I slept more than ten minutes at a time all night._

He shifted in the cargo van bucket seat, gripping the steering wheel a little harder and trying to hold in a sigh. _I know it’s not anything he’s looking forward to, either. I still can’t believe he came with me. I guess he really will do anything for Chester._ Mike figured Ryan was as anxious as he was, maybe even more so. The other man had been talking in his sleep one of the many times Mike got up to go to the bathroom in the night, and at once point, Mike knew he heard Jason’s name in all of the mumbled words. Thinking about it again sent a wave of shame over Mike. If he hadn’t been so stupid, Ryan wouldn’t have to see Jason again. It was clearly upsetting if he was worrying over it in his sleep. _Well, if I hadn’t been stupid, Ryan would be living here with Jason, and I wouldn’t even be in this van._

Mike looked at the directions on his phone again. He had never been the best at navigating to places he’d only been to once. The drive through Seattle looked vaguely familiar, but the weekend he’d spent there looking at real estate with Jason was kind of a blur. They’d looked at so many places in such a short period of time it was hard for Mike to remember, but as they got closer to the docks, it started to come back to him in a rush. _I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to see the house again. I don’t want to go inside. Maybe Jason has put all my stuff on the front porch and we won’t even have to see him. I should have asked him to do that. Why didn’t I ask him to do that?_ Mike squirmed a little more in his seat and finally let out a long, heavy breath. He felt like he was about to vomit. 

Ryan looked over from the passenger seat. He’d already changed his position a dozen times since he’d seen the docks come into view. They wouldn’t be able to drive right up to the houseboat, which he knew in his head, but actually sitting in the van and looking down on the docks over the small embankment wasn’t what he was expecting either. From where they were, in a medium sized parking lot, he could see a row of about a dozen houseboats, and then more down a separate stretch. Each one looked different, in size, style, and color. Ryan had no idea which one was Jason’s, and that was a little unsettling. 

“So we’re going to have to lug your stuff up this hill?” Ryan asked, before he spotted a staircase off to the right. 

“I promise, it’s really not too much,” Mike said apologetically. He hadn’t turned the van off yet, and was staring out the windshield, wishing he could do anything to make this less painful for all of them. _Fast. We need to just get my stuff and get out of here. It’s not too much. Clothes and paint and pictures. That’s really all I have. It can’t be that much._ He wiped his sweaty palms down the thighs of his jeans and took a deep breath. “We should bring the paintings out first, so we can get them arranged back there. Hopefully on the side, and then the boxes. I don’t remember there being too many.” Mike bit down on his bottom lip and tried again to remember how much he’d sent with Jason to Seattle, but everything had happened so fast. He had no idea how much there was, or if it would all fit. The only thing he knew he had to take home was his paintings, especially the one he’d made for Chester. He wanted to give that one back to his boyfriend. 

Mike closed his eyes for a second and braced himself. “I think I’m ready. You ready?” He avoided looking at Ryan as he reached for the door handle. 

Ryan was as ready as he was going to get. He opened his door and stepped out, making sure to take one last glance at himself in the side mirror. He had his leather jacket on, and he pulled it around himself as he stuck his hands in the pockets. Unlike the warm L.A. weather, Seattle had a cooler wind that had picked up, right off the water. Ryan shivered as he followed Mike down the stairs. “Which one is it?” he asked, but the moment the words were out of his mouth, his stomach sank with the reality that Mike knew, and he didn’t. 

“Over there. The blue one.” Mike pointed his finger to the left at the house _he_ had chosen. Of all the places they could have ended up, Mike had chosen the house on the water, and there was a flash of regret that he would never live there. _But it’s just a house. It’s not where I want to be, not if Ches isn’t there with me. It’s just a place that I liked and it will never mean anything to me because he’s not here._ It annoyed him that he’d allowed himself to be so influenced by the lifestyle Jason could have provided him. 

Ryan followed him silently to the front of the houseboat, stepping over the small space between the land and porch deck where the water lapped against the shore. Mike wanted to say something encouraging, but he didn’t know what to say. The front porch light was already on, but it was clear of everything but a doormat that said _welcome_ in sophisticated script. _So much for taking my stuff and leaving without seeing him. Of course he wouldn’t make it easy._ Mike stepped up to the front door and knocked twice, then held his breath. 

Inside, Jason was sitting on the couch, waiting for that knock with a glass of wine in his hand. He’d already had one, but it had done little to calm his nerves. Seeing Ryan again had his stomach tied up in knots. He didn’t know what to expect, though they’d been texting most of the trip. There was no way to know what he and Mike had talked about the entire ride, and the thought that Ryan might not be terribly excited to see him had crossed his mind a few times. All it would take was Mike saying or doing the wrong thing, and it would ruin whatever tenuous footing they had managed to find in their relationship again.

He set the wine glass on the coffee table he and Mike had chosen together and went to answer the door, running his hand over his hair and straightening his t-shirt a little. There were plans to meet Ryan later for dinner, but Jason had kept his look casual for this part of the evening. There would be time to change into something nicer later. Jason patted over his pants quickly, his heart racing as he opened the door. His eyes hit Mike first, who was visibly nervous, and landed on Ryan. It was hard not to smile at Ryan and his black leather jacket, but Jason held on to the cool look on his face. “Hi. Come on in and let’s get this over with.” He looked over at Mike again and stepped back, holding the door open for Mike and Ryan to come inside. 

It was hard, but Ryan waited to let Mike go first. He’d held back his smile when he saw Jason. First and foremost he was under orders from Chester to take note of how Jason and Mike were with each other. Ryan knew it was paramount for there to be zero suspicious actions or words between the two men for Chester to move forward with his healing relationship with Mike. Everything else - including Ryan’s desire to spend time alone with Jason later - came second to being able to give Chester a full report. 

He stepped in after Mike, and shut the door to keep the cool air from blasting in on them. The first thing he saw were the boxes piled next to the door, along with the painted canvases. He recognized most of them immediately. They had all been hanging at the loft, either downstairs or up in the bedroom. He was already dreading hauling all of Mike’s stuff up the stairs to the van, but he looked away from that load of work to see Jason. He wanted to take the few steps between them so he could pull his ex into his arms and kiss his face. He wanted to tell him how good it was to see him, and that his hair was looking exceptionally cute. 

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Not yet. Instead he glanced around at the houseboat. Chester had mentioned that it sounded nice, from when he’d overheard Mike and Jason talking on the phone. Ryan had even seen pictures of the unfurnished version when Jason had been in L.A. the week before. But standing and looking at it now was different. There was art on the walls, and a nice looking sofa. The lights were on, including a rather expensive looking chandelier over the dining table, that he could see across the open space. The massive windows Jason had mentioned were there, along with the bookcases Chester had mentioned, which were full. Ryan could see part of the kitchen island, and the detail of the backsplash. There was a magazine on the coffee table, along with Jason’s wine, and jackets hung up by the door. 

It all equaled a home. A home that Jason had created and planned to share with Mike, and not with him, and that brought Ryan’s eyes down to the floor, his shoulders sagging. This was going to be a lot harder than he had thought. Seeing Jason and spending time tonight at the houseboat wasn’t going to be the romantic adventure his mind had conjured up. He stayed quiet as he watched Mike start to sort through what they were going to be carrying out. 

Mike kept his eyes on his belongings and off the interior of the house and all the things he thought he wanted. His mind was swirling with thoughts as he counted canvases and made sure everything was there. Of all the items they were taking back, the pictures were the most important to him. _It’s all just things. One day Ches and I will have everything we want, together. It’s not going to happen now, and that’s okay. We don’t need stuff, we’ve got each other. I don’t even want to see the stuff. I’m just going to take this stuff up to the van. Maybe Ryan will grab a box._

The silence was thick between the three of them. Mike didn’t want to say anything, and it was clear Jason didn’t either, making the whole atmosphere uncomfortable. Mike picked up the two smaller paintings in the front of the stack and straightened up, daring to throw Jason a glance. “Is this all of it?” he asked, forcing himself not to look around the downstairs at the new furniture and the pretty kitchen.

“It’s all right there,” Jason affirmed with a slight nod. It would feel good to have Mike’s stuff out of the house. He hoped Mike would take the two canvases he was holding outside, and he’d have a second alone with Ryan, who suddenly wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Great,” Mike said, the word clipped. Chester’s beach painting was right behind the smaller ones he’d picked up, and Mike didn’t want to let Ryan near it. “Here,” he added quickly, turning to Ryan. “You take these, I’ll get that one. Please.” 

Ryan took the canvases, and then he grabbed one of the smaller boxes that was on top, too. The more they could carry at once, the less trips they would have to make up and down the hill. “Let’s get this done,” he mumbled in Mike’s direction before he turned around. He forgot he’d shut the door, and he had to lean the cansases against his leg to get it open. 

Jason watched Ryan and Mike take the first bit out of the house and frowned. Ryan wasn’t even looking at him. He sat down on the corner of the couch in a huff and picked up his wine. It made sense why Mike was in a hurry, but Ryan not being able to meet his eyes bothered him. The entire thing was uncomfortable, and Jason tried to console himself by remembering that Ryan had made the trip by choice - because he wanted to see him. 

He watched from the couch as Mike and Ryan made the silent trips in and out of the front door. Jason sipped from his glass every time they walked out and waited impatiently to see if Ryan would come in first and smile at him, or wink the way he used to do behind Mark’s back all the time in the YRS dining room. Jason remembered watching Ryan slide behind his husband and throw him a short smile or a wink, and Jason would have to look down at the table or make an excuse to talk to Brad to hide the answering smile that would pop up every time. 

But it didn’t happen, and Jason kept telling himself it was because Ryan was trying to keep his emotions in check next to Mike. Mike looked like he’d rather be doing anything but coming into the house to get his things, and it didn’t go unnoticed that Mike was avoiding not only Jason, but the entire house. Jason hadn’t seen him look around even once. If he hadn’t been so wrapped up with what Ryan was thinking, he would have been offended that Mike only seemed uncomfortable in his presence, not remorseful at all. _I don’t think he regrets this decision at all. It doesn’t even make sense to me, but that’s fine. If he wants to go back to Chaz instead of staying here, that’s fine. I don’t need him. I’ll be fine here by myself. Maybe Ry will come visit on occasion. He didn’t seem to hate me that night in L.A._ The memory of their break up sex was still fresh in Jason’s mind, and it took his thoughts away from trying to figure out Mike immediately.

Out at the van, Mike shoved another box into a small space and stood back, looking at how he and Ryan had managed to get everything in the van so far. There was hardly any room left, and he couldn’t remember if there were one or two more boxes inside. They had been fairly efficient, and Mike was ready to grab the last of his things and get out of there. Avoiding Jason had been easier than he thought, and he was almost finished with the worst part. He put his hands on his hips and nodded in satisfaction. “I think there’s just one or two boxes left,” he mumbled in Ryan’s general direction. “Then we’re out of here. I’m exhausted. I hope I sleep better tonight.” They were planning to stay the night in Seattle, then get up and make the long trek back to L.A. in the morning. Mike wanted to get back and collapse in bed next to Chester and sleep for an entire day. 

Ryan nodded. “Let’s go then. We have room for a few more,” he said, glancing over the back of the van. He waved for Mike to go first, and just like earlier, he followed behind him in silence. Ryan was already figuring out that his plan for spending time with Jason wasn’t going to happen, and he was going to have to tell him that face to face. _I hate this. I hate not even being able to look at him. But he doesn’t want me here. He never did. None of this was ever for me. For me and him. Coming back tonight is the last thing I want to do now._

He stepped in with Mike, and there were in fact two boxes left. Ryan jumped ahead and grabbed one before heading out the door, not giving Jason a second look. He would talk to him, but it would be privately, without Mike standing right there. Ryan set his focus on the van, and dumping his box into the back, and then he’d tell Mike to get in, and give him a few minutes to go back in and talk to Jason by himself, that was the new plan. 

Mike looked at the last box and then over at Jason. _He looks upset. I wish I could undo all of this. I’ve spent way too much time wishing I could change things, and I can’t. I don’t even know what to say to him._ He rolled his lips inward, wetting them with the tip of his tongue, as he tried to work it all out. His heart belonged with Chester, and it always had. Mike had never missed being with Jason the way he missed Chester right then. His whole body was unsettled being away from his boyfriend, and Mike thought about the nights he’d tried to sleep next to Jason but couldn’t. The first night he’d slept in the bed with Chester again after their break up had been the best night’s sleep he’d had, and Mike knew that wasn’t an accident. The affair with Jason had been a short-lived mistake, and there was no good way to make a graceful exit.

He bent over to pick up the box and then held it between the two of them. “Jay…” Mike waited for Jason to look over at him. His expression was blank and his eyes were almost cold when they met Mike’s. “Thanks for not tossing my stuff in the water,” he said, feeling stupid the moment he uttered the words.

Jason was surprised at how little he cared that Mike was leaving. He didn’t really feel anything at all when he turned his face toward the windows and hummed. “Mmm, only because I didn’t think of it.” There was a certain satisfaction at getting the last dig in at Mike, and Jason waited to see if he’d baited him at all, only to be disappointed when he heard Mike turn and leave, the door closing quietly behind him. 

Mike only had time to breathe a short sigh of relief on his way up the stairs. Ryan was on his way back down, and Mike paused with one foot on one step, and his other foot on another. “This is it,” he reminded Ryan, jiggling the box in front of him. 

Ryan stopped on the step above Mike, looking down at him. “I know. I’m going to go talk to Jay for a minute.” He turned around and nodded toward the van. “I’ll meet you back up there.” He shimmied his way by Mike on the steps, and trotted the rest of the way down. He let out a long breath as he neared the door that was now completely closed. He thought about knocking, but decided to skip that. He turned the knob and stuck his head in, spotting his ex right where he’d left him, perched on the edge of the sofa. “Jay? Can I come back in for a minute?”

Jason’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Ryan’s voice. “Of course,” he called, standing up to come around the coffee table and step in front of Ryan. He glanced at the door behind him. “You’re alone, right? I know Mike isn’t coming back.” Jason almost added, “he didn’t even say goodbye,” but he bit his tongue. 

“It’s just me,” Ryan answered. He didn’t mean to, but he looked out over the house one more time. He hated the barely-there green color that seemed to be everywhere. _If you’re going to paint the walls, do it in something that stands out._ The dining room table was much the same, the sight of it grinding inside of Ryan’s heart. It was ugly, and something he was pretty sure Mike had picked out. All of it had the flavor of Mike Shinoda on it, and that was more sad than anything else. “Jay, I just wanted to say goodbye,” he said as he swung his attention back to his ex. He tried his hardest not to get stuck in Jason’s dark eyes. “It’s nice to see you, but I have to go.”

Jason felt his eyebrows furrow as he tilted his head to look at Ryan. “Nice to see you?” he echoed, watching Ryan closely. “You came all the way up here to say, _nice to see you_? I thought you wanted to have dinner.” Jason patted his hand over his t-shirt. “I know I’m not dressed, I thought I’d change after you and Mike were finished moving stuff. We’ve been talking about it the whole ride up here.” His heart, which had calmed down since he’d first answered the door, was hammering again. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” Ryan took a second, trying to sort his words. “I thought I could do this,” he stated, motioning around the house, “but standing here, I...you’ve made a life I was never going to be a part of. It hurts, Jay,” he admitted, his voice going small. “It _really_ is nice to see you, but I can’t stay.” He took a short step forward and opened his arms, hoping Jason would let him have one last hug. 

It had been obvious since Ryan walked inside that something had changed, and Jason made sure his emotions didn’t show as he stepped into his ex-boyfriend’s arms. Nothing good would come of trying to make Ryan stay, and Jason knew that. It didn’t make it any less crushing that their plans had changed, and along with that, his hope that maybe they could find their way back to each other eventually. There wouldn’t be any impromptu trips by Ryan to visit him in Seattle, and suddenly the thought crossed his mind that he was going to be very alone. He didn’t want Ryan to see him cry.

Jason felt Ryan’s arms tighten around him and he pressed his face against Ryan’s neck, taking in a deep breath and memorizing his smell, a combination of leather and the faintest hint of cologne, and his skin. “Have a safe trip back,” he managed to say, his voice completely level. 

Ryan shut his eyes. That was it. Jason was letting him leave without even a hint of fight. It was the green light that Ryan was making the right choice. Their relationship was truly ending here. “Thanks,” he said, before he turned and kissed Jason’s cheek, feeling the slight tickle from his hairline. “I’m sorry, Jay,” he whispered, “but it’s better this way. I hope you have a good life here.” 

Ryan let Jason out of his arms and stepped back. “And you look great, by the way. Perfect for going anywhere,” he said, motioning up and down Jason’s modest outfit. “No need to ever dress up for me.” He glanced behind him at the door. “I gotta go.” 

Jason didn’t trust his voice. He nodded and turned away. It was a million times harder to listen to Ryan walk out the door. It was infinitely harder to hear the soft click of the latch than it had been to hear Mike leave, and Jason covered his eyes with his hand as he stood in the middle of the silent living room. _I hope you have a good life here._ Jason’s throat felt tight as he thought about the finality of Ryan’s words. He barely walked the few steps back to the couch and sat down heavily, pulling one of the throw pillows into his arms and burying his face in it to block out everything else around him. 

This time, Ryan took the steps slowly. The wind was colder now than it had been, but it didn’t propel his legs any quicker. _Have a safe trip back._ Jason’s last words echoed in Ryan’s mind. _That’s all he could say. Not I love you, or please stay._ It was a weight in his heart that his last memory of Jason’s sweet voice was something so generic as _have a safe trip_. 

He opened the driver’s side door to the cargo van and slowly got in. Mike was texting on his phone, and he assumed instantly that he was talking with Chester. Somehow that was an extra hit to Ryan’s self-esteem. He was never going to see Jason Wakefield again, and Chester was waiting back in L.A., but he was waiting for Mike, not for him. 

Ryan started the van, and waited a few seconds as it rumbled to life with sound and lights. “I’m ready to go home,” he said, his voice lifeless, just like he felt. “There’s no reason to stay the night in this city.” 

Mike dropped his phone to his lap. “We’ve been driving all day,” he started, but the firm look on Ryan’s face told him that trying to argue wasn’t going to work. “I mean, are you sure you can still drive? You’re not tired?”

“I’m fine,” Ryan declared as he backed the van up, purposely avoiding looking back over the hill at the houseboat or even the water. “I just want to get out of here.” 

“Okay.” Mike turned and looked at his things, nestled in the back of the van with barely any room to spare. He didn’t want to drive any more tonight, but he wasn’t the one in the driver’s seat. He looked back at Ryan, then out the window as the parking lot disappeared and they left the houseboat behind. It was a huge relief. “Thank you for coming. And driving, and carrying my stuff. I know you didn’t want to, but it means a lot to Chester. And me. I appreciate it.” 

Ryan waited an extra minute when they came to the first stop sign, leaving the dock parking area. He looked over at Mike, and his big puppy dog eyes that he knew Chester adored more than life itself. A little tension left Ryan’s shoulders. “You’re welcome,” he said, before heading forward to get them as far away from the docks of Seattle as fast as he could. “I got to tell Jason goodbye. Closure is always good. And I know how important all this was for Chaz.” 

Mike nodded. _Closure. I guess that’s really why he came along. Well, I hope it helped._ He cleared his throat and looked down at his phone, at the screensaver of him and Chester he loved. “I’m sorry, too,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry for all of it.” 

Ryan glanced Mike’s way before he set his focus back on the road, and all the miles they had in front of them to get home. “Promise me you’ll treat Chaz better this time, and we’re good, Mike. He loves you so much. He always has.”

“I won’t make the same mistake twice, Ryan. I thought I’d screwed everything up between us that I’d never get him back, and I’ve been handed a second chance I probably don’t deserve. I know I won’t be perfect, but I’m going to do better. Be better. I love him, too. I’m not going to hurt him again.” Mike took a deep breath and reminded himself to keep his eyes open, or he’d be asleep in minutes. 

Ryan didn’t miss the exhausted sound in Mike’s voice. Or the yawns that had been peppered over every word he said. If they were going to make it very far tonight, Mike would have to get some rest. “You can lay back and go to sleep,” Ryan offered as he turned the radio on. “I’ll find us some music.” 

It didn’t take long, and the van was filled with Seattle’s latest hits, while Ryan drove. It would be dark in a few hours, and he was doing his best to keep thoughts of Jason away. It wouldn’t do any good to think about him. It was time to move on and find a new start. Maybe in a different way. A different everything. 

****

Chester was on his bed, his busted ankle propped up on a pillow. It wasn’t quite dark outside yet, but it was getting there. It wouldn’t take long for the natural light in his room to fade away completely, and at the moment, Chester was okay with that. 

It had been a nerve-wracking day. Even though he wasn’t the one stuck in a van driving countless exhausting hours between L.A. and Seattle, emotionally he’d been through the wringer. Ever since they’d left, he’d been texting with both Ryan and Mike. Depending on who was driving, it would dictate the type of conversation he was having. If it was Mike on the other end, their words were a mix of flirting, encouragement, and plans for when they would be reunited. Chester felt a muffled ping to his heart every time his boyfriend would type the words _I just want this to be over_. It was a concept they both agreed on, but Chester needed Mike to accept the full responsibility of his actions. He’d dove into an affair with Jason, and now he had to take all the steps to end it. 

Texts with Ryan were the opposite of Mike’s. Ryan’s words swayed between some sort of giddy excitement and complaining about the long hours on the road. There was only the occasional stab at Mike, which Chester appreciated. Every time Ryan would say something negative about his boyfriend, Chester was quick to tell Ryan how much it meant to him and Mike that he was making the trip to Seattle in Chester’s place. 

Or at least that’s how it had been, until a few hours ago. Chester knew from Mike that they’d seen Jason, loaded Mike’s things onto the van, and had decided to leave rather than stay the night in Seattle. But that was all Chester knew. There had been zero texts from Ryan since they’d left Jason’s. 

It was worrisome, and Chester’s mind had already run through a million scenarios of why his chatty friend had suddenly gone so quiet. The winning reason, at the moment, was that Jason had been mean to him. _Mike said Ryan went back inside after they were done. Alone. Alone to talk to Jay. I bet he said something horrible to Ry. That backstabbing asshole. Ry’s been missing him ever since they broke up, and he probably just wanted to talk for a minute, and Jason was probably nasty to him._

The thought left Chester living somewhere between angry and sad as his heart hurt for his friend, who had fallen victim to the same affair he had. Over the last few weeks, Ryan had been up and down, some days not mentioning Jason Wakefield at all, and other days he looked so sad it was concerning. All until last week when Ryan’s mood suddenly leveled out to something happy. Content. But now Chester was back to worrying. It was making his head hurt and his stomach feel uneasy as he squirmed. If he wasn’t hobbled, he would be up pacing, walking the length of his bedroom or making circles in and out of the closet. 

But that wasn’t an option as he glared up at the television. It had been on all evening, the sound turned down low as random music videos scrawled across the screen. Now and again a band he knew would come on, and it would be a nice distraction to stop and hum along while he watched. A song he really liked had just gone off when he heard a knock at his bedroom door. Chester turned to look, and he smiled when he heard Noah’s voice on the other side asking if he could come in. “Yeah, it’s okay!” Chester shouted back. 

Noah stepped in, a black and yellow box clutched in his hands as he looked at Chester on the bed. He hated to see him looking so down, and that’s how he’d been all afternoon. Noah was a fan of the happy, good-hearted Chester Bennington he’d grown to know since starting at YRS, and to a greater extent, since he and Chester had both moved into Amir’s. Or at least Noah was mostly moved in. It wasn’t quite official yet. “Are you hungry?” he asked as he stepped a little closer to the bed. “Amir’s gone for the night,” he mentioned, his eyes dropping to the gray carpeting as he whispered, “for work” under his breath before looking up. “I can order us something.” 

Chester’s attention shifted from Ryan to Noah. He could hear the sadness in his voice, and even though Chester never had to experience being left at home while his lover was off making porn, he knew Mike had. It was a secondhand experience for Chester, but it was still one he could relate to. “Hey, he loves you, you know?” he said, waving his hand for Noah to come over and sit with him on the bed. “And you used to be in the business, so you know how it goes.” 

Noah sank down on the mattress. “Yeah. I know how it goes. Devon and Caleb started off working together and look at them now. And you and Mike and even me and Amir,” he said with his freckled face turning a shade darker as he pressed his hand to his chest. “We were put together for work and, well, Chaz what if he starts working with someone and ends up really liking them?” He dropped his head, his red curly hair sinking with his shoulders. 

“I didn’t meet Mike at YRS,” Chester stated quickly, but he let it go with a sigh. “Have you guys talked about it?”

“A little bit. He knows I’m not a fan of him working over there. And those Carnal Delights guys are so pushy. Like what happened with you and Petey Sly,” Noah cited as he twisted to look Chester in the face. “The way he forced that kiss on you and tried to feel you up? What if someone does that to Amir?” 

Chester opened his mouth, ready to defend what had happened at the end of his one and only date with Petey Sly, but he couldn’t. Noah had described it almost exactly as it had happened - a forced kiss, an unwelcome hand that had slid up Chester’s leg. If he wouldn’t have been tied down by his boot, he would have socked Petey Sly in the jaw that night. _Thank God Noah was home._

It was a memory he’d tried to forget, and a secret he’d kept from both Ryan and Mike, after swearing Noah to absolute secrecy. Nothing that bad had happened, and he didn’t want to worry anyone more than they already had been over the situation. 

Chester swallowed as he looked down at the pink and silver blanket they were sitting on. “If I wasn’t crippled, I would have slugged him,” he assured Noah. “And Amir would do the same thing. You know him, he doesn’t take shit from anyone.” 

Noah nodded. “I know. I’m being crazy,” he dismissed as he switched his sullen face for a smile. “And you’re right. He loves me. We’re basically living together. I don’t have to compete with those guys.” 

“No, you really don’t,” Chester agreed. He reached over to caress Noah’s arm before his attention landed on the box in his lap. “What’s that?” 

“Oh, I brought these for you,” Noah announced, holding up the box. “They’re glow in the dark stars. You know, for your ceiling in here.” He pointed up. “I used to have them in my bedroom at my old place, and Amir’s not really into this kind of stuff, so I thought, if you wanted them, I’d put them up for you.” 

Chester wasn’t sure how he felt about glow in the dark stars. He wasn’t five. He glanced around his very neat, well-kept room and decided quickly that tacky stars on the ceiling just wouldn’t fit. He’d let Noah down easy. “Well, you know -”

“I thought maybe it would cheer us both up,” Noah added in, and that was it. Chester couldn’t say no. Not with Noah looking at him with that hopeful grin and big, innocent eyes. 

“Sure,” Chester gave in. “Go ahead. I mean, you know I can’t help.” He pointed down at his covered foot that was on top of the pillow at the end of the mattress. 

“Oh, I know, Chaz. I’ll do it!” Noah bounced from the bed. He left the box behind as he zipped out of the room, only to return a second later with one of the chairs from Amir’s dining room table. “I’ll put them all up. They’re sticky on the back, so it doesn’t take any time at all.” 

Chester smiled as he watched Noah retrieve the box and then he was up on the chair, happily sticking stars to the ceiling as he rambled about his old apartment, and how he liked living with Amir so much better. “Yeah, I know the feeling,” Chester offered, even though he was pretty sure Noah hadn’t heard him. _I miss living with Mike, and it hasn’t even been that long yet. I wish we had a place of our own._

Chester picked up his phone, and tapped the screen to get to his text thread with Mike. 

**Chester:** _I know you’re sleeping, but I just wanted to say how much I miss you right now. Be safe, but also hurry your ass up. I want you in bed beside me._

He hit send before he set his phone off to the side on the nightstand. He yawned as he leaned his head back against the pillows, watching as Noah moved the chair, and put more stars up on the ceiling. They were already glowing a little in the dimly lit room. _Maybe they won’t be so bad afterall. It will be like sleeping under the stars every night._

The thought brought a smile to his face as he imagined being with Mike on the beach, right down the street from the loft. So many nights they had laid on the warm sand, listening to the ocean and looking up at the stars in between making out and talking about their days and plans for the future. 

Noah’s glow in the dark stars weren’t the same, but for now, Chester could appreciate what he had. _Stars, then an apartment where me and Mike can live together again. That’s the goal. As soon as I’m out of this boot, I’m going to work more, and save up enough money to move out and help Mike with his school._

****

Jason sat in one of the chairs on the back deck. The bottle of wine he’d opened before Mike and Ryan had come for Mike’s belongings was on the circular table next to him. It was already two-thirds gone, but he reached for it again, refilling his glass with a shake of his head. _Doesn’t matter if I drink it all. There’s nobody here to stop me. I could drink all of this and open another one, and not have to deal with anyone. Mark is dead, Ry left, and Mike… Mike’s not even real. None of it’s real._ Jason’s hand shook a little as he set the bottle back down. There was an inch or two left in the bottom.

If he closed his eyes, he could be anywhere other than where he was. He could pick a memory and go over it, lose himself in something that made him happier. There were countless moments with Ryan that he could indulge in, but the thought of his ex’s blue eyes when they’d said goodbye an hour ago squeezed at his heart. Thinking about Ryan wasn’t helping his mental state. Anything from the last three years pulled at his insides and made his eyes prick with unshed tears. 

_More like the past ten years. Or maybe just all of it. I won’t think about any of it._ There were so many conflicting emotions inside him, and he didn’t know why he cared about any of it. _Eventually, whatever it is, whoever it is, I’ll lose them. I wish I didn’t care. I wish it didn’t bother me. I wish it didn’t hurt so much._

He’d had too much time to think. Thoughts of Mark, and Mike, and then Ryan. They all circled around each other, and he’d grown tired of trying to sort it all out. It was particularly bothersome how little he considered Mike in the whole thing, but his thoughts kept coming around to Mark, and Ryan. Of being with Ryan back in L.A., waking up in his arms and kissing him goodbye. It had been a balm on his battered soul. _I’m tired of thinking about everything I did wrong. I didn’t have to even try with Ry. He knows me. We could have skipped the break-up sex and it still would have been a great night… I’m glad we didn’t skip it. But now, now he’s gone. Really gone. I don’t think he’s coming back._

Jason pushed that thought away immediately. He’d already decided if Ryan wanted more from him than that one last night, he would have stayed. _But it’s not like Ry to just want sex. Unless he’s changed. We’ve all changed. That’s probably all it was. Like he said. Break-up sex._ He sighed and rubbed his eyes. It felt like he’d cried enough over the mess he’d made, and not a single tear had helped anything. _You’re being such a baby, Jason. You’re a grown man, and you can own your mistakes. You made a mistake with Mike, and now you’re here. It won’t be the end of the world. Just stop thinking about it._

The entire house was full of the reminders of that mistake, and Jason felt the bubble of resentment pop up again as he thought of the furniture Mike had chosen, the soft interior colors, the natural light Mike had been so excited about when it came to his artwork. _I deserve it, all of it. Mike leaving, Ry leaving… everytime I think I have something good, it gets ruined. I ruin it. I ruined things with Ry, stole Mike from Chaz, and lost him. So now it’s me and wine in Seattle. That’s what I’ve got. Just me._

He leaned his head back and felt it spin a little behind his eyelids. Jason sat for a moment, listening to the gentle waves before he stretched his bare feet out into the misty rain that was falling. It started when Ryan left, and Jason couldn’t think of a more fitting atmosphere for his self-pity and negative thoughts. It was cool and damp, but the wine was heating him from the inside, and Jason wasn’t physically uncomfortable. Just mentally exhausted, and drunker than he should have been alone. 

By the time he poured the last of the wine into his glass, clumsily setting the empty bottle on the table, the bottoms of his pajama pants were soaked through and his toes were numb from the cold. The thought to go inside and go to sleep was there, but Jason wasn’t quite sure he could make it up the stairs. _I’ll go lay on the couch. I don’t care if Mike’s fuckin’ couch gets wet._ A low drunken huff escaped him as he leaned his head back and finished off his drink, sitting for a moment longer to get his balance before shifting his weight to stand up and go inside where it was warmer.

He felt something soft against his foot as he moved it, and with bleary eyes Jason looked at the deck and the foreign object he’d almost stepped on. It moved while he tried to focus his gaze, and a pitiful, raspy “meow” came from the drenched, patchy brown ball of fluff. “Oh,” Jason breathed, holding on to the deck chair to stabilize himself. “It’s a cat. A baby cat.” He shook his head as the cat meowed again. “A kitten, Jason, not a baby cat,” he chastised himself. He blinked a few times and reached over with his free hand to try to touch the kitten.

That was all it took. The tiny wet kitten looked up at Jason with brilliant blue eyes, and he was instantly taken. “You’re all wet and sad and alone like me,” he cooed down at the kitten, who was trying to get closer to Jason’s legs. “We can be wet and sad together,” he decided, nodding his agreement with himself. “I bet you’re cold. We need a blanket.” His brain reminded him that he was very drunk as he gingerly picked up the kitten, chanting to himself not to squeeze too hard. _Like Lennie, from Of Mice and Men. He squeezed the mouse too hard. I love that book. I always ruin things, too. Don’t squeeze the kitten, Jason._ Holding it close against his chest, he stood up and took a deep breath.

_I’m too drunk for this right now._ For the first time that night, drinking a bottle of wine alone seemed like it had been a bad idea. Jason tried to keep himself steady as he inched inside, the wet kitten mewling sadly as he went. It took far longer than it should have for him to find a towel to wrap the kitten in, and then find a little dish for water. _And food. She’s probably hungry._

He somehow wrestled open a packet of tuna and fed bits to the kitten from his fingers as they sat on the couch getting warmer together. “You’re a sweet little girl.” He petted a finger around the top of her head as he considered the light tan and darker brown markings on the kitten. “Not many cats have blue eyes. I think you’re Siamese.” The kitten looked up at him and all Jason could think about was Ryan. It was a sign, this blue-eyed kitten. One blue-eyed soul had left his life tonight, but here was another that needed him. “I’m gonna name you Blue, and we’re going to be just fine without Ry. There’s a blanket and you’re dry and warm and full now.” He felt the vibrations of a contented purr in his new companion’s throat. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so alone.

“You’ll be fine,” Jason whispered as he lay his head on the arm of the couch and turned on his side, cuddling the kitten next to him and pulling the blanket over them both. Whether he was talking to himself or the kitten, he wasn’t sure.

****  
TBC


	44. Sex and Bacon

It was late by the time Mike finished unloading his things into Joe’s garage. He’d taken Ryan and dropped him off at Talinda’s first, insisting that he had done enough and thanking him for helping with both the drive and moving Mike’s things out of Jason’s houseboat. Now that the cargo van was unloaded, save for one painting, Mike was ready to get back on the road. He lifted his arm and sniffed at his flannel, scrunching his nose and making a face as scent of a seventeen hour drive and manual labor hit him. As much as he wanted to see Chester, he knew that going to Amir’s smelling like sweat wasn’t how he wanted to reunite with his boyfriend. _Not when I’ve got his painting back. I want him to want it. I hope he wants it back. He did leave it when he left… when he was mad at me._

Mike’s shoulders sagged at the thought of Chester leaving everything of their relationship behind when he’d moved out of the loft. Even though he’d deserved that crushing moment, coming home from work and finding Chester’s things gone but the painting he’d made for him still hanging in the loft, it didn’t make it easier when he remembered. All Mike wanted was for Chester to open the door, see him with the beach painting, and smile. A simple smile was all he needed to feel like things were truly on the road to recovery. But that smile would have to wait until he’d showered.

The house was still dark. Joe, Heidi, and Lola hadn’t returned yet, and Mike was glad he didn’t have to stop and make small talk. He was in and out of the shower quickly, barely running a comb through his damp hair before sliding into a clean pair of boxers and relaxed ripped jeans, a white t-shirt, and the first red and black flannel he came across in his neatly organized guest room closet. Mike didn’t even take time to empty his backpack before he grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet, and was out the door, in a hurry to see Chester. _Ches. Being away felt like forever. I know he’s been worried. I’ve missed him. And sleep has been awful without him. I just want to lay next to him, I know I’ll be out so fast. I hope he will let me stay. I hope he’s okay. I went to Seattle and came right back, just like I said I would._

With the beach painting still in the back of the van, Mike backed out of Joe’s driveway. It was too late to return the van tonight, so that was on his to do list for his lunch break on Monday. Right now all that he could think of was how fast he could get to his boyfriend. Fortunately traffic was light, and it wasn’t long until he was parking in a familiar space at Amir’s and pulling the painting from the back of the van. _I really forgot how big this was._ For a moment self-doubt hit him. _He doesn’t even really have a space for this. It will take up the whole wall in his room at Amir’s. Amir might not even let him hang it. It’s not Ches’ walls._

Mike looked over the abstract, thinking of all it symbolized to him and to Chester, and to their relationship. He remembered the lonely feeling of Chester being away at work when they were dating, the first time he’d stayed at the loft alone, and before he’d known about YRS. He remembered layering the paint on the canvas and watching his beach scene take shape, and the way time seemed to pass faster when he was occupied. He remembered Chester coming home, the way they had hung the picture together, and how happy they had been together. _It will be that way again,_ he decided resolutely, picking up the canvas and making his way inside. _We’ll hang it together - with Amir’s permission - and everything will be good and right. It will be like the night I gave it to him._

His hands were clutched tight to the painting when Amir opened the front door, looking at Mike with a cocked eyebrow and an immediate gesture to the massive painting. He took a small step back and smiled apologetically. “Hey, Amir.” Mike waited for the other man to make space for him to come inside.

“Why do I have a feeling that you’re not bringing me a gift?” Amir said, thumping his chest with one finger. “It’s my place, and Chaz gets all the housewarming stuff.” He watched as Mike turned the painting to the side so he could bring it in the door, and his eyes coasted over the beach scene he’d seen in the loft apartment many times. “Oh, it’s that one. I remember that painting.”

“You do?” Mike asked, scooting inside and looking around, but there was no sign of Chester. 

“I’m surprised Chaz didn’t bring it along with him. Well, actually, I’m not. He was pretty upset with you. I guess things are good now. I mean, they better be. You’re back, so that says something.” Amir stood with his arms crossed, eyeing Mike. To the other man’s credit, Mike didn’t react negatively to what Amir had to say. 

Mike looked toward Chester’s bedroom door. “I _am_ back, and I don’t intend to go anywhere,” he said, starting down the hallway. “I’m going to give Ches back his painting, and everything is going to be fine.” He didn’t look back at Amir, or acknowledge his mumbled response. Mike’s only focus was on getting to Chester, and in his excitement he didn’t even knock on the door. 

“Ches, babe, I’m back!” Mike called as he opened the bedroom door with one hand and balanced the painting on the floor with the other. The moment he nudged the door open and saw his boyfriend half dressed on the bed, Mike didn’t care about the painting anymore. He wanted to crawl up next to Chester and hold him tight. It took every bit of self control he had not to jump on the bed. “I brought you something,” he said instead, dragging the painting into the bedroom and shutting the door behind him. 

Chester had been on his stomach, but he rolled onto his side so he could see what his lover was doing. “Hey, I missed you!” he said, before he tilted his head, trying to see more of the familiar canvas. “You really brought it back,” he partially whispered as he soaked in the sight of the beach painting he loved. 

Mike leaned the canvas against the wall and turned to Chester, taking a deep breath as he paused to really look at him. In his eyes, Chester was the most beautiful person on the planet, and he wanted to take a second to appreciate what was in front of him. All of the exposed pale skin, the red and blue flames around his wrists, the sparkle in his eyes and that lip ring that Mike loved. “Of course I brought it back,” he said softly, stepping to the bed and sitting down next to his lover. “I brought everything back. For good.” 

Chester lifted his arm as he waved. “Come here and lay with me,” he whined, and he smiled as he watched Mike kick his shoes off and scoot around so they were laying side-by-side. Chester could smell his clean skin, and the moment their faces were close, he was trapped in Mike’s black eyes. “I’m glad you’re home,” he whispered before shoving his fingers through Mike’s hair, getting it out of his face. Chester leaned in to connect their lips with his eyes shut. He’d missed Mike’s warmth and presence over the last couple of days, and he wasn’t ashamed of that. He was done being separated from his boyfriend. Nothing felt right when they were apart. 

It was instinct for Mike to slide his hand up Chester’s arm as they reunited. He sucked Chester’s bottom lip lightly, flipping his lip ring and smiling, despite the intimate connection. He felt Chester’s answering smile and pulled back just enough to crack his eyes and see his boyfriend’s face. “I missed you. I missed you so much it was hard to sleep.” He kissed the side of Chester’s mouth and then his cheek, and then up under his jaw, in soft, wet pecks. “I was counting the miles until I was back with you.” 

Chester’s hand was on Mike’s chest, tugging lightly at his t-shirt. “I’ve been trying to be patient, but it’s been hard, Sexy Boy. I’m just glad you’re back.” He dropped his eyes as he watched his own hand. “The drive wasn’t too bad, I hope.” 

“It was okay,” Mike mumbled as he kissed a trail down Chester’s throat and around his collarbone. “I’m glad it’s over.” He didn’t want to talk about Ryan, or any of the conversations he’d had with him. He had Chester in his arms, and even though they weren’t alone in the apartment, they were alone in the bedroom, and Mike’s fatigue had somehow disappeared as he kissed every bit of skin around Chester’s neck and shoulders. “You smell good,” he breathed, nuzzling his nose up behind Chester’s ear and tickling him a little. 

“I took a bubble bath,” Chester said with a little giggle. “You better stop, unless we’re starting something.” His hand had already drifted down to the hip of Mike’s jeans. “Then again, I am naked under these joggers.” He leaned away from Mike’s lips so they could see each other as Chester wiggled his eyebrows.

A soft snort of a laugh escaped Mike as he watched Chester’s face. “You’re so silly. I know you don’t really want me to stop.” He ran his hand back down Chester’s arm and around to his small ass, tucking his hand inside the waistband. All he felt was soft, warm skin, and the small laugh turned into a full-out grin. “If you wanted me to stop, you’d at least have underwear on.” He rubbed his fingers in tiny circles, teasing Chester and watching his face for any sign that he really wanted them to stop. As far as Mike could tell, stopping was an empty threat. 

Chester’s eyes had already fluttered closed as he enjoyed Mike’s familiar way of touching. “I was planning ahead with the no underwear thing,” he said, his voice hitting a raspy tone. He worked his hand up under the back of Mike’s double shirts, and gingerly pulled his nails across the small of Mike’s back. “No stopping, Sexy Boy.” He wrapped his lips around the spot behind Mike’s ear, sucking and kissing the warm skin.

Mike felt his cock stir. All it took was a little attention to his spot and he was more than ready to keep going. “Mmmm,” he hummed, abandoning his feathering fingers to grab at Chester’s ass a little firmer. “Don’t stop doing that,” he added, twisting his chin to the side to give his lover more room to work. He savored the attention for another few moments until he remembered it had been his intent to be the one lavishing all the attention the next time they were together. A part of Mike had been hoping for this kind of reunion, and in his mind he’d pictured being the one pampering his boyfriend. 

He turned his face, his lips brushing against Chester’s cheek, and whispered in his ear, “you should get comfortable, with your ankle and all. Let me get these pants off of you.” Mike slide his hand out of the back of Chester’s joggers and pulled at the waistband. “Don’t tell me it’s too soon to get you completely naked.” 

Chester took the hint, and managed to get on his back, even though his head was still at the foot of the bed. “It’s _never_ too early.” He glanced down at his ankle, but it was fine. It had been feeling better the last few days, and it didn’t even have the bandages on it. “I feel a little upside down,” he commented as he looked back up at Mike. “But I’m ready to be naked.” 

Mike hadn’t given a second thought to the fact that Chester’s head was at the foot of the bed, and he paused. “Want me to turn you around? Or do you want to live on the edge and be upside down this one time?” He was teasing, and it felt good to be able to joke a little bit. It felt like it had been so long since they had been that way with each other. 

Chester cocked his eyebrow. “Of course I want to live on the edge. It will be like making love in the bizarro world,” he laughed. “And look.” He lifted both arms behind his head, wiggling his hands in the air. “No headboard. We gotta be careful not to rock each other off the bed.” 

“No worries there.” Mike sat up and pulled off his flannel, balling it up and tossing it in the direction of the small bedside table without much accuracy. He shrugged at it as it caught the edge and hit the floor. There was a time that he would have carefully folded his clothes and put them to the side, but not now. Not tonight, with Chester stretched out in front of him. He reached over and grabbed the top of the loose joggers his boyfriend was wearing. “Lift up,” he instructed, and waited for Chester to raise his hips enough that he could get the one article of clothing off. Mike tossed it over with his shirt, not looking to see where it landed, before he moved around to sit between Chester’s legs.

With both hands outstretched he felt over the little bit of hair on Chester’s knees and then up his thighs, stroking over the warmth there. It felt good to be together again. “I love you,” he said, rubbing his palms down firmly before he bent over and started to leave soft kisses on the inside of Chester’s thigh. Mike was going to take his time and kiss every bit of Chester’s skin, and he was mapping out a route in his head that would both pamper and tease his lover as he went. 

He dragged his lips down one thigh, and felt Chester’s hand go into the top of his hair before he switched and kissed all the way back up. Mike stopped right as he neared his lover's cock and hovered, thinking, before he reached out to plant his hands on both sides of Chester’s hips. With a happy sigh he kissed the head of the partially erect cock in front of him, then glanced up as Chester squirmed a little closer. It brought a smile to his face, but he wasn’t ready to lavish all his attention there yet. Mike inched up a little, kissing a trail right below his boyfriend’s belly button and over to one hip, breathing in the familiar scent coming off Chester’s skin. It was the beach and peaches, and even though their surroundings were different, it was comforting to know that some things hadn’t changed.

Mike leaned forward, carefully keeping his body from making contact with Chester’s lower half, and dragged his tongue up Chester’s side. He felt the shiver and heard the giggle from his lover and he smiled again. Everything felt euphoric in this moment, and he was enjoying the little reactions he was getting from mapping Chester’s body with his tongue. 

Even though they’d only been apart for two days, it had felt much longer. Chester couldn’t keep his hands off of Mike’s head, neck and shoulders. His boyfriend had tossed away his flannel, but he still had on his t-shirt and jeans, and that felt like too many things between them. 

Chester pulled at the collar of Mike’s shirt. “Take this off,” he panted as Mike kissed around his nipples. “Sexy Boy, take it off. I want to feel you, not your shirt.” 

Mike eased away from Chester and looked down at him. He could see the need in his lover’s eyes and it was impossible to say no, despite his other intentions. “Okay, okay,” he decided, reaching behind him and yanking the undershirt off by the back of the collar. “Here I am trying to go all slow and you just want me naked.” The shirt joined the rest of their clothes on the floor, and Mike leaned back on his knees, keeping his eyes on Chester. “These, too?” he asked, his hand already on the button on his jeans. 

Chester looked up at Mike’s bright face before propping himself up on his elbows. His legs were spread, with his lover between them, and he glanced down at his lonely looking cock. “Yeah,” he answered, looking up and wrinkling his nose at Mike. “Those, too. And we can still go slow, even with you naked. I want more kisses.” He reached up with one hand, barely sliding his fingers over Mike’s bare chest. 

It would be harder, but Mike was going to try to go slow, even with all the skin to skin contact that was coming. He nodded and scooted off the bed to get rid of his jeans, not even trying to be cute or graceful as he stepped out of them and left them with one leg inside out on the floor. He knew one way to slow himself down would be to get under the blankets, where it would be harder to maneuver around, and he could provide all the kisses Chester wanted. With one finger he motioned for Chester to spin around. “Let’s get under the blankets,” he suggested, holding his other hand out for Chester to take. 

“Okay,” Chester agreed easily as he sat up. He took Mike’s hand, and got up on one leg, holding his injured foot off the floor. They hobbled together to the top of the bed, and Chester watched as Mike pulled the pink and silver blanket back, along with the white sheet. Chester sat down, just before he remembered. “Turn the lights off before you get in bed,” he suggested with a nod toward the lightswitch by the door. “I’ve got a surprise for you.” 

“A surprise? In the dark?” Mike reached toward the light switch and then waited, wondering if he’d heard Chester correctly. His mind raced through a couple of scenarios about potential surprises in the dark. “I need to turn the lights off first?”

Chester’s bottom half was already under the blanket as he sat up, his back against his pillow. “Yes, silly. Just turn them off. Trust me.” 

Mike flipped the lights off. It took a second for his eyes to adjust, but when they did, his attention was immediately pulled upwards. Dotted along every inch of the ceiling were different sized spots of light, and it dawned on him slowly that he was looking at an insane amount of glowing stars. “Is this what you did while I was gone?” he asked, his voice a little bit awed by the sheer amount of stars overhead. 

Chester carefully wiggled himself down on the bed. “Come here and lay with me under the stars,” he called, patting the empty space beside him. He watched through the dark as Mike moved, and climbed into bed. “And I didn’t do it. Noah did. I was feeling down, and he put them up to lift my spirits.” Chester turned onto his side, his hand going out to pet over Mike’s chest, and down around his belly. He kept his fingers moving, rubbing over the skin he loved in soft strokes that were more affectionate than sexual. The last two days had been mentally heavy, and it was a massive weight gone from his shoulders to have Mike back home, and in bed next to him.

“Aww, Ches. That was nice of him,” Mike whispered, enjoying Chester’s touch as he looked up at the stars. “I’m sorry you were sad. Being away from you was awful. My heart misses you when we aren’t together.” He looked at the ceiling, wondering how long it took Noah to stick all those stars up there, and was hit with gratefulness that Chester hadn’t been left alone to worry the entire time he was gone. Mike turned on his side, lacing his legs through Chester’s and pulling their bodies together before finding his lips in the dark. Chester was radiating warmth under the blankets, and Mike felt the love and comfort in their kiss. He gently sucked at Chester’s bottom lip before he pulled back and nuzzled their faces close. “I’m so much better when I’m here with you.” 

Chester circled his fingers over the center of Mike’s chest. Every few passes, he’d drop his hand straight down the middle, circle Mike’s belly button, and then head back up into the same pattern. He loved the feel of his lover’s skin. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head in to kiss Mike’s cheek once and then one more close to his ear. “I am, too. Everything feels wrong when we’re apart. And it was nice of Noah. He was bummed, too, so it cheered us both up, I think.”

Mike tucked one arm up under the pillow and kept the other looped around Chester’s waist. The excitement and arousal from just minutes ago had already faded, and in its place was a feeling that he couldn’t exactly explain. He felt completely comfortable and warm tucked up next to his boyfriend, their breaths mingling together as their hands slowly caressed each other's skin. Something about the tiny glow in the dark stars overhead made every worry from the last few days fade into the background. “I love you,” he whispered, his lips brushing up against Chester’s ear. Mike closed his eyes and felt their breathing fall into sync. “We’ll have to hang up your painting tomorrow, too. Then it will all feel right in here.” 

Chester smiled. He really did love that painting, and just the sight of it, knowing it had been rescued from Seattle, had brought its own kind of comfort. “I think we should hang it over the bed,” he suggested. His hand left Mike’s body just long enough for him to point up over their heads. “That way when I’m in the closet, I can look at it. Contemplate my outfit, and admire _the beach_, thinking of you.”

Mike giggled softly. “You spend a lot of time in that closet, don’t you?” He thought about adding, _when we go look for a place together, ample closet space will be the number one requirement_, but he didn’t want to sound presumptuous. “I think if you had a choice, your bed would be in that closet.” 

Chester laughed. “Don’t think I haven’t thought about it. And I love that closet. It’s been my happy place since I’ve been here. I’ll miss it when I move out.” He let out a long slow breath. His body was warm, and his mind was far away from sex and lube and shared orgasms. Having Mike’s naked skin connected with his as they talked was satisfying in a different way, and at the moment, it was filling the void from the last two days perfectly. “Wherever I end up...or we end up, we should shoot for more closet space than we had at the loft. Being able to actually stand in the closet is a whole new world.” 

Hearing Chester talk about shared living space sent a wave of relief over Mike. “One day, we can convert an entire bedroom into a closet if that’s what you want, Ches. One day when we have our own house, we’ll make you a giant, bedroom sized walk-in closet.” He tucked his face up next to Chester’s and sighed. “I’d give it to you now if I could. There would be a whole wall of shelves, and a row with little hooks for all your belts, and shoe racks where each shelf slides forward so you can see what’s in the back.” Mike had a ridiculous vision in his head of this custom closet he’d get for his boyfriend one day, and it didn’t seem like he was missing the mark with the hum of approval he was getting after he mentioned each idea. 

Chester was all grin. “I want all that. An entire room,” he mused. “Fuck, Sexy Boy. You’d never see me. I’d always be in the closet. You’d have to drag me out to go to work or cook us dinner.” His circling hand slowed a little as his mind drifted over their future home. “What would you want in our house? An art room? Or one of those big pianos you like?” 

“I want both,” Mike said dreamily. “I’ll put my piano in the middle of your closet and play for you while you make the important decisions. Like which belt goes with which shoes,” he teased. “At least if I’m in the closet with you, I’ll see you occasionally.” 

“It will be like having theme music while I get dressed,” Chester laughed softly, even though he kinda liked that idea. “If you had your own piano, maybe you could work from home. Is that a thing?” he asked, suddenly not being sure if he sounded ridiculous or not. “Your kids from the school, could they come to the house? Or would that be weird? They’d have to stay out of my closet, though,” he added seriously.

Mike heard the no-nonsense tone in Chester’s voice. “The closet is off limits to everyone but us,” Mike affirmed. “Unless you want to take people on tours.” He giggled a little, thinking about the idea of having students at home. “There are piano teachers out there that work from home. I’ve never really thought about it. We’d have to save up and get a real piano for me to be able to do that, but it would be cool. I’d love not having to battle traffic, and I also wouldn’t have the studio taking a cut from each lesson. I’d be able to keep all of the money.” It was a far-off idea, but Mike loved laying there, making plans and dreaming with Chester under the stars. It made him think of the way they used to make plans out on the beach at night when they’d walk together before coming back up to the loft to shower and make love. Everything felt right as he squeezed Chester closer.

“I think you getting to work from home would be awesome. When I have days off, I could hang around and listen. Bake everyone cookies,” Chester mumbled, his mind slowly drifting from dreams of the future to sleep. He nuzzled his face deeper into his pillow, and closer to Mike. “We should get a place close to Score’s office. Then I won’t have to drive so far. Or up at Oxnard,” he mentioned absently. According to Ryan, the last few weeks of Score life had included a few trips to the northern city, and Chester was excited to get to go back next week when he'd officially be going back to work with his new walking boot. “It’s pretty up there.” 

“Wherever you want to go, Ches.” Mike didn’t care, as long as they were together. All that mattered was that they were together, and for the first time in weeks, he felt like the dreams they were making would happen someday. He felt Chester snuggle in closer and any worry Mike had from earlier that he wouldn’t be allowed to stay overnight was gone. They were both almost asleep. He was completely exhausted, and now he was comfortable and toasty warm in his boyfriend’s arms. Sleep was too enticing. “Let’s go to sleep, babe,” he suggested, knowing Chester was already halfway there. 

“Mhm,” Chester mumbled. His mind was already shutting off. His body was heavy, and he was pretty sure he’d be under in a matter of seconds. “I love you,” he said, before he blindly kissed Mike’s face. “I’m glad you’re home. Sex and coffee in the morning.” 

“Sex and bacon,” Mike whispered back, and then he was asleep. 

****

The morning had already been busy. Chester had woken up to his naked boyfriend still pressed up against him. It had been fun waking him up with kisses and tickles, which was something Chester hadn’t gotten to do in what felt like a long time. 

Breakfast had been rushed, after they’d spent more time than they should have waking up and making love. Mike had insisted on hanging the painting before he needed to rush off to work, and to their delight, Amir hadn’t taken any issue with _the beach_ being mounted over the bed in his guest room. 

But that was over an hour ago, and the decision to share a second breakfast of sausage gravy and biscuits with Ryan had been an easy one. Mike was already gone, off to work for the day, which meant Chester and Ryan would have privacy to talk. _And eat,_ Chester thought as he watched Ryan sit down on the bed next to him. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Ryan mumbled as he handed one coffee off before he set the other one on the nightstand so he could get his shoes off. “The line at the breakfast place was forever long, even though I called our stuff in.” 

“Because it’s the best,” Chester offered as he snatched the brown takeout bag Ryan had sat between them. He dug out both the yellow styrofoam bowls and plastic forks. He could smell the spicy sausage before he even got his open. “Thanks for standing in line,” he added. 

“No problem, Chazzy.” Ryan pulled his leather jacket off and tossed it to the bottom of the bed. He tugged at his black muscle shirt and stretched his neck before he grabbed his coffee, leaving his food alone for the moment. “Mike’s already gone?” 

“He had to go to work,” Chester managed to say before sticking a fork full of white pepper gravy and biscuit into his mouth. “Fuck,” he whined. “It’s hot!” 

Ryan snorted around his coffee. “You pig,” he laughed. “Let it cool off for a minute.” He motioned down to his untouched container. “You act like you haven’t eaten in years.” 

“I’m hungry,” Chester stated, but he set his food off to the side anyway, and took his coffee instead. He wanted to add that he’d worked up quite an appetite with Mike earlier, but he didn’t as he quickly reminded himself that sharing details like that with Ryan was no longer a thing. All sex stories would be strictly between him and Mike from now on. “So,” he said carefully as he eyed Ryan. “How was it?” 

He knew his friend hadn’t had the best time in Seattle. Mike had confirmed just how quiet Ryan had gotten after they’d left Jason’s, and now Chester was ready to hear the reason why. He was hoping he was wrong, that the circumstances were something other than Jason being a dick, but it was the only thing that made sense. 

Ryan’s legs were stretched out in front of him, his disposable coffee cup resting on the thigh of his black pants. “Nothing happened between Mike and Jay,” he stated first, looking over to meet Chester’s inspecting dark eyes. “From what I saw, they barely said two words to each other. You’ve got nothing to worry about there. They weren’t even cold to each other, just, indifferent.” 

“Indifferent,” Chester repeated as relief poured over him. Mike was a passionate person, so for him to be indifferent - for him not to care - meant that Chester really, truly had all of Mike’s attention and concern, and that was a relief. It felt like a long time since that had been the case. “That’s good,” he said with a nod. “I wasn’t super worried, but you never know. With how everything went.” 

“Yeah,” Ryan agreed quietly. “You never know. Chaz, I gotta tell you something.” 

Chester’s entire body stiffened. “Okay...what’s wrong?” This was it. Whatever happened, Ryan was going to open up about it, and Chester was ready to hear it. He was ready to forgo eating a little longer so he could be a good friend and give Ryan whatever comfort he needed. “Did Jay say something to you?” he guessed when Ryan didn’t say anything more. 

The room was quiet as Ryan stared down at the white plastic lid on his coffee, toying with it with a single finger. “The weekend you and Mike went to Long Beach, Jason was here. In town.” 

Chester leaned back just a little. “I know. That’s when they broke up.” He swallowed hard. He hated having to say things like that, that his boyfriend and Jason broke up. It turned his stomach. “What about it?” 

“You guys got back late, and Jay missed his flight. He ended up staying the night at a hotel, and...I stayed with him.” Ryan looked over to see the absolute shock on Chester’s face. “I didn’t tell you because, well, I know Jay’s not your favorite person right now.” 

“Damn right he’s not,” Chester spit, before he pulled his tongue back the moment he saw the look of shame scroll across Ryan’s face. “I mean...after what he did, you and him?” 

Ryan shrugged. “He actually called me the day before, when he got into town and you guys were gone. We went to the store together and had lunch...just talking. Catching up.” 

Chester stayed quiet. There were a hundred things he wanted to say, things about Jason having a lot of nerve to call Ryan at all, and what was Ryan thinking, going and meeting Jason like that? But he kept it to himself as Ryan went on. 

“We had sex, Chaz,” he said, not looking over this time. “At the hotel. Fuck, it was so good. We were drinking and laughing and talking. I asked him things, and he was finally honest with me about stuff, about what happened. And it felt like love, not just a one night stand or that he was using me. And when we were done, he asked me to stay. And we showered together and went to sleep.” 

Ryan leaned his head back against the pillows, staring blankly up at the ceiling. “I’ve missed him so much, and for the first time in months, he was like himself again. I took him to the airport the next morning, and he held my hand. Right there, right in the middle of LAX, we were holding hands and we kissed goodbye. It was nice.” 

“So that’s why you agreed to go to Seattle,” Chester whispered, and he watched as Ryan closed his eyes and nodded. 

“We were texting all last week,” Ryan admitted. “Flirty texts, and how-was-your-day texts. Like we were a couple again. I wanted to see him, Chaz. We had this whole plan. I was going to take Mike back to a hotel in Seattle and then I was going to take Jay out to a nice dinner and we were going to go back to his place for the night.” 

Obviously that hadn’t happened, and Chester squirmed in his seat as he waited to hear the _why_ behind it all. _Jason changed his mind. That must be it. The rat. He got Ry’s hopes up and then brushed him off._

“But then we got there,” Ryan said, picking his head up to look back down at his lap and the coffee cup he’d barely taken a drink from. “And I stepped inside that houseboat, and it looked really nice. There was all this high-end furniture and pictures on the walls and a stellar looking kitchen. All the windows Jay had told me about. I actually saw pictures of it, on Jay’s phone that night at the hotel, but they were, like, real estate pictures - the house was empty. It looked so different with the lights on, and all of Jason’s things there, and totally furnished. And that’s when it hit me. It was like this realization that Jason had made a home.” 

Ryan’s jaw shook a little at the memory, at the overwhelming hit to his heart that he could still feel. “He made a home for him and Mike. All of it, it was for someone else.” He shook his head. “All the years we were together, that’s what Jay and I always talked about. Always dreamed about. As soon we could get away from Mark and YRS, that’s what we wanted. We wanted a place that was just ours - a home - so we could really be a couple and build a life together.” 

He let out a long, slow breath that hurt. “And he did it...and gave it to someone else. He did it all for someone else. And I told him that.” He turned and looked at Chester. “I told him it hurt to stand there and look at the home that was never meant for me, and he didn’t even say anything, Chaz. He, he didn’t even tell me goodbye. I gave him a hug and he told me to have a safe trip. That’s all he said. Not _I love you_ or _please don’t go_ but just _have a safe trip_. And that was it. I told him I had to go and he just nodded and turned away from me. He turned away from me, like I didn’t matter. He didn’t even say goodbye.” 

Ryan shoved a hand over his eyes. He hated how sharp the pain still was. “We’re really over,” he mumbled before finally taking a sip from his coffee. 

Chester’s mouth was hanging open. He’d been expecting a quick story, a snippet from Ryan’s life that would include Jason saying something snotty or cold. He wasn’t expecting to hear that Ryan had gone to Seattle, and had his heart broken all over again. “I’m sorry,” Chester whispered as he reached over and cupped his friend’s arm. “Ry, I’m sorry. I never should have suggested you go. That asshole,” he hissed. “He has no idea what a good thing he’s given up in you. He’s fucking lucky you were giving him another chance at all, and he’s an idiot for throwing that away.” 

It wasn’t like Chester to call names, and even though Ryan didn’t believe what he was saying - after all, Chester had turned him down, too - it was nice to hear someone being offended in his honor. “I think I’ve just been doing everything wrong,” Ryan finally said, his voice low and defeated. “With Jay, with you,” he dared to say as he motioned Chester’s way. “I need a change. A different outlook or something. It’s obvious I’m never going to get what I want by doing things the way I have been.” 

That didn’t sound good, and Chester felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed. “What do you mean?” 

Ryan shrugged. He wasn’t quite sure what he meant either, so explaining it wasn’t something he wanted to attempt. He’d poured himself into Jason Wakefield and Chester Bennington over the last few years - freely giving both of them everything he had - and all it had gotten him was a broken heart and loneliness. 

“I’m just feeling sorry for myself,” he finally said as he sat forward. “Ignore me, Chaz. It’s just been a depressing weekend.” He stood up, and for the first time he noticed the large painting hanging over the bed, the one he recognized as _the beach_ that Mike had painted for Chester so long ago. It was one of many they had retrieved from Seattle. “You’re not worried that thing’s going to fall on your head?” he asked, pointing. 

Chester sat forward, careful not to disturb his elevated foot, as he twisted to look behind him. He smiled. “No. I love it. And look,” he said, pointing at the ceiling. “Noah put glow in the dark stars in here, so now it will be like sleeping under the stars on the beach every night.” 

It was a romantic idea, and Ryan heard it as much as he felt the sentiment come from his friend - his friend who was in love, and living in a world where he got to hold his boyfriend under the stars on the beach. It was something Ryan knew he was never going to have, and in that moment something cold drifted over him. “That’s great, Chester. I’m glad you got your painting back. I know you love it.” He nodded toward the artpiece before he reached for his jacket. “I’m going to head out.” 

Chester’s happy expression vanished. “Already? But, you haven’t even eaten.” He pointed down at the containers of food. 

“I’m not really hungry,” Ryan stated as he folded his jacket over his arm, his coffee still in hand. “You can have mine. I just have some things I need to get done, and then I have to head into Score.” 

“Well, okay,” Chester agreed quietly as he watched Ryan force a smile. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“I’m fine. I just have things I need to do. I’ll text you later.” He set his coffee down so he could lean over the bed and place a soft kiss to Chester’s cheek. “Eat all the biscuits, Chazzy, you need to get better.” 

Chester nodded as Ryan leaned away and shuffled into his shoes before he picked his coffee back up. “I get to go back to work next week,” Chester stated proudly. “As soon as I get my new walking boot and I’m off the crutches.” 

“Good,” Ryan answered as he opened the door. “It’s been boring having lunches and taking pictures without you.” He gave Chester a last look before he said goodbye, and then he was gone, the door closing quietly behind him. 

Chester sat, the silence of the room consuming him as he played his conversation with Ryan over and over in his head. He finally picked up his phone, thinking to text Mike, but he stopped. Everything Ryan had confessed involved Jason, and Chester wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring anything about Jason up to Mike. 

_I’m probably overthinking all this anyway. He’s just upset. In a few days, he’ll be fine. He’ll be back to his old self. Besides, I have zero desire to talk about anything Jason-related with Mike._

That was it. His mind was made up. He’d keep quiet about it, unless things got worse. Unless Ryan got worse. 

****

TBC


	45. The First Proposal

Chester moved around the efficiency kitchen, humming softly. He was finally free from his crutches, and even though he was still saddled with an updated walking boot, it wasn’t that bad. He’d already been wearing it for two weeks, and had figured out quickly that he could do just about anything. He only had one more week and then he’d be out of it for good. Thoughts of all his skinny jeans that he hadn’t been able to wear over the last month popped into his head. There were so many outfits that had been neglected thanks to his injury. _But it’s almost over. The moment this thing is off for good, I’m throwing Sexy Boy onto the bed, and climbing on top. And then I’m putting on my favorite jeans._

The thought made him grin as he opened the oven to check on the bacon and hash brown patties. Cooking things together wasn’t his favorite option, since they both needed different temperatures, but time wasn’t his friend. Mike needed to get off to work, and Chester would be leaving in an hour with Ryan to head up to Oxnard for the day to work with Score on a shoot that wouldn’t include anything past his knees.

_The bacon needs another couple of minutes,_ he decided before he headed for the refrigerator to grab some sliced cheese for the hash brown patties. He heard some movement overhead, and he glanced up. He’d made enough for Amir and Noah, too, and he was actually looking forward to sitting down at the small table with everyone and having a meal. 

He glanced at the time. His boyfriend would be out of the bedroom, dressed for work and starving any minute. He took the cheese back to the oven, and pulled the sheet pan with the hash browns out to plop half a slice on each one. He was already calculating the minutes, knowing he had just enough time to whip up some scrambled eggs to be ready right when everything else would be done. He gave a quick look to the cabinets. His good skillet - his favorite for making eggs in - was still packed away in the many boxes in his closet, so for now, Amir’s so-so skillet would have to do. 

Mike stepped out of the bedroom with a huge smile on his face. “Do you know how much I love you when you make me bacon?” he called to Chester as he crossed the room, shoving his arms into his flannel. “Take how much I love you, and multiply it by a million, and that’s how much.” He took a deep breath and stopped just outside of Chester’s workspace to watch, being sure to stay out of the way. Typically being in the kitchen made his boyfriend happy, but once Mike got a good look at Chester’s face, he could tell there was something wrong. He was almost certain that scowl had to do with the skillet Chester was putting on the stove. “You okay, babe?”

“I’m fine,” Chester answered as he stopped and turned around. Eggs could wait a few seconds. He opened his arms, and Mike stepped right into them. They embraced, like they hadn’t seen each other in days, not minutes. “I’m just ready to have my own kitchen again,” Chester mumbled close to Mike’s ear. “And I love making bacon for you,” he added with a smile. “No matter where we are.” 

Mike kissed Chester’s cheek and stepped back to let him work. “I know. Having your stuff all boxed up is hard.” He watched Chester nod, then get back to work, cracking eggs and tossing the shells in the garbage. Even if they weren’t in their own place, it was comforting to watch his boyfriend cook. 

Upstairs, Amir could smell the bacon as well, and lay in bed thinking about breakfast while waiting for Noah to come out of the bathroom. _It’s nice that Chaz cooks. I hate cooking. And there’s only so many breakfast tacos I can eat._ He glanced in Noah’s direction, but the bathroom door was still closed. _But Mike’s here again. That’s the fourth night this week. At some point the two of them are going to have to admit they’re back together for good and go find somewhere to live. There’s no point to them being in two separate places. It’s clear Chaz has completely forgiven Mike._

He rolled his eyes and stared up at the ductwork above the bed. He wasn’t sure when, but Noah had stuck little glow in the dark stars on the exposed metal directly above their pillows, and he couldn’t help but smile. _He’s so cute. It doesn’t take much to make him happy._ The door to the bathroom opened and Noah stepped out, dressed and ready for the day. Amir turned over on his side and patted the bed next to him. “Come here, Peaches. You’ve got some explaining to do.” He pointed to the ceiling and lifted one eyebrow. 

Noah grinned sheepishly as he sat down on the bed, and then laid down on top of the blanket. He reached over and twirled his fingers through Amir’s two-tone hair. “I was wondering when you were going to say something. They’ve been there for weeks,” he admitted. “They’re the leftover ones from Chaz’s room, and I couldn’t just leave them in the box. They’d be sad.”

Amir fixed a stern look on his face, even though he wanted to smile. Noah had such a soft heart. “Are you telling me these are on Chaz’s ceiling, too? Why did you do that?”

“I had them in my room at my old place,” Noah said. “I knew you probably wouldn’t want them all over in here, so I gave them to Chaz. He was sad, and...it was one night while Mike was in Seattle and you were at work.” Noah dropped his eyes with a sigh. “I was feeling down, and so was he, so I put them up. Those,” he said, pointing up for a second, “are just the couple that wouldn’t fit. I figured maybe you wouldn’t mind a few in here.” 

“You’re so sweet, Noey, looking after Chaz like that.” Amir looked up at the stars again and then gave his boyfriend a smile. “I don’t mind them. Though I have to say, seems like Chaz is doing just fine now. Mike’s not given him much time to miss him these past few weeks. I swear he’s here every night. I’m gonna tell Mike he’s gotta pay rent.” Amir reached over and patted down the front of Noah’s shirt. “Then I’ll use his rent money to buy you more stars.” 

Noah’s soul lit up. “I’d love more stars,” he stated before leaning over to kiss his boyfriend. He didn’t drag it out. He knew they had to get up and go down for breakfast, and Noah had to be to work, too. “And he is here a lot,” he agreed as he sat up. “Chaz was so sad without him. I worried, you know? When they first broke up. It seemed so wrong. Unnatural.” He reached over and playfully slapped Amir’s ass. “Even though it’s been nice having him here to cook lately.” 

“It has.” Amir caught Noah’s hand and lifted it to his lips for a kiss. “But that’s not the point. The point is, if they’re back together, then they need to be back together. No more of this pretending they need space or time or whatever Chaz is trying to do. I get him wanting Mike to prove himself, but what else does he need? There hasn’t been a word about Jason since Mike went to Seattle and got his stuff. As hard as it is to admit it, I think Mike’s doing everything right this time.” He sat up and then got out of the bed, with Noah copying him on the other side. Together they straightened up the sheets and blankets before he walked around the bed and kissed Noah on the cheek. “Why don’t you go on down? I’ll be down in a minute.” 

Noah took Amir’s hand, swinging it absently. “Okay. And I think maybe it’s a money issue,” he suggested. “And Mike’s trying to get into school and Chaz says he won’t even be earning a paycheck then...so I don’t know.” He sighed before his smile came. “Hurry up,” he insisted, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand before he let it go. “I’ll try and save you some bacon, but you know I’m smaller than Mike. He might overpower me.” 

Amir growled a little, playfully throwing an angry face toward the stairs. “I’ll end Mike Shinoda if he overpowers you, Noey. Nobody is gonna mess with you.” He reached out to return the slap to Noah’s ass and nodded his head. “Go on and get you some bacon, Peaches. Remember I’ve got your back.” He disappeared into the bathroom with a smile, knowing that Noah was smiling, too. 

Downstairs, Chester was plating everyone’s breakfast. “This is ready,” he mentioned over his shoulder. He could hear Mike behind him, pouring glasses of orange juice. It was vaguely reminiscent of life at the loft after Jason and Ryan had moved in, and Chester had been cooking for the four of them. _This is different though. Mike and I are together and Amir and Noah are together. There’s zero blurred lines here, which is good. It’s how it should be._

The thought was reassuring. Usually anytime Chester thought back to the last few months of living with his boyfriend and roommates, it brought a sadness with it, but not this morning. That was history, and it was never going to repeat. “I might be late getting home tonight,” he told Mike as they worked almost side by side in the small space. “We’re heading up to Oxnard today.” 

Mike opened the fridge to replace the juice carton. “Okay. Well, if you’re going to be too late, or you’re too tired, I’ll just stay at Joe’s tonight,” he offered, even though he really didn’t want to. It wasn’t a Ryan night, and Mike wanted his time with Chester. “You can let me know when you’re leaving Oxnard and we’ll decide.”

Chester nodded. “Okay. I’ll try not to eat and we can at least have dinner. Maybe we can meet at the restaurant and then come back here.” He looked over just in time to see Noah coming down the stairs, yawning and scratching his fingers through his red hair. “Morning, Noah!” Chester shouted as he turned around with two full plates in hand. “You’re just in time.” 

“It smells really good,” Noah offered as he inspected the four plates Mike and Chester were carrying over to the table. _They all have bacon. But that one must be Mike’s...there’s like, three times as much on it!_

It almost felt unfair, but then he reminded himself that Chester had been the one to cook. Ever since Mike had been staying over so much, Chester was also paying for most of the groceries coming into the house, since he’d started cooking. _Since the crutches have been gone, he’s cooking almost every day. Sometimes breakfast and dinner for him and Mike, or all four of us._

“Thanks,” Chester said as he went to head back to the kitchen to get juice, but Mike told him to sit down, that he’d done enough already. “Fine,” Chester sighed a little reluctantly, but he took his place at the table anyway. His stomach rumbled as he looked down at the food. “Are you working today?” he asked Noah. 

“Yeah. I gotta leave right after I eat.” Noah checked his watch. “What about you, Chaz? Mike, I know you gotta work today.” 

“Ry will be here in about an hour and we’re heading out. We won’t be back till later this evening,” Chester answered as he picked up his juice that Mike had just sat in front of him. He took a small sip, savoring the tart taste that was a nice break before he’d chug more coffee down. “Is Amir up?” he asked, gesturing toward the one empty seat. “His eggs will get cold.” 

“He’s coming,” Noah assured him before shoving a big bite of bacon in his mouth.

Mike looked down at his breakfast plate and then over at Chester’s, then Noah’s and Amir’s. “Thanks for all the bacon, babe,” he said, picking the first slice out of the mound he’d been allotted. They all sat eating in companionable silence for only a few minutes until Amir made his way to the table.

Amir ran his hand over Noah’s shoulder before he sat down and picked up the cup of coffee waiting for him. “Chaz, you’re spoiling me with all these breakfasts. Before you and Noey I used to skip breakfast altogether.” He sipped at his coffee before he realized it had already cooled enough to drink. Amir lifted his eyebrow and gulped down half the cup as he watched Mike eat two pieces of bacon stacked on top of each other. 

“Not true,” Chester lightly argued after swallowing a piece of egg. “You always ate breakfast at YRS.” He chased his bite with orange juice before adding, “I miss Brad’s cooking.” 

“Well, yeah, I ate at YRS,” Amir amended. “I meant here. At home.” _Alone. There was no sense in cooking for one. But now, it’s not just me. I went from being alone to an apartment of four._ He picked up his fork for a bite of cheesy hashbrowns and decided not to say anything to Chester about Mike until they were alone. 

“I think your cooking is better than Brad’s,” Mike offered with an indulgent smile in Chester’s direction. “It’s too bad you don’t have his muffin recipe though. He made great muffins.” 

“God, yes,” Chester agreed quickly. “The muffins. And the breakfast burritos.” The memory of a thousand breakfasts sitting around the YRS table flooded Chester before he turned his attention back to Amir. “You haven’t really said. Is it like that at Carnal Delights? Do they feed you guys?” 

Amir shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s not the same. They use a catering service. And it’s only when we’re there for a long stretch of the day.” He stole a glance at Noah, who was suddenly very interested in the scrambled eggs on his plate. “It’s not the same at all. I totally get why Ry came to YRS. It’s a completely different atmosphere.” 

Chester shook his head as he picked at his hashbrown. “He never liked to talk about it,” he stated, his lips turned down. “It was like his past life, and he wanted to forget it. I hope it’s not too bad.” He looked up, catching Amir’s dark eyes before he glanced over at Noah, and decided he needed to leave the topic of Carnal Delights alone. “Anyway. We won’t be here for dinner. We’re going out after work.” He nodded toward Mike, even though it wasn’t necessary. 

Even though Mike didn’t remember that they’d definitively agreed on dinner, he nodded and swallowed his eggs. “It will be fun.” His plate was almost empty, and he made a face. _I always eat too fast. Ches has barely gotten started._

Amir’s ears perked up when Chester mentioned being away for the evening and he turned to look at Noah. “You guys go have a good time. You could go to that place you like… what’s it called, Noey? I think it’s close to Joe’s, they’ve mentioned it before?” He wasn’t sure if his not-so-subtle hint would get through, but maybe Mike and Chester would end up staying at Joe’s for once.

“Oh yeah, that one place,” Noah offered, smiling at Amir. After the conversation upstairs, he knew exactly what his boyfriend was getting at. He hoped Mike and Chester would catch the subtle hint as well as he looked across the table. “You guys should definitely go there.” 

Chester tapped his fork against his lips. “That’s right. The steak place is over there. Yes. We need steak and ketchup for dinner.” He flashed Mike his biggest eyes, sticking his lip ring out. “What do you say, Sexy Boy? A candlelight steak dinner tonight?”

“Anything you want, Ches.” Mike reached over and squeezed Chester’s knee under the table. He wanted to tell Chester that he didn’t need to make puppy dog eyes to get his way, that he was much more aware of balancing both of their ideas and needs than he used to be, but he just leaned over and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “Do I need to take a change of clothes or is flannel okay?” He moved to stand up and take his plate to the sink. 

“Flannel is fine,” Chester assured him, an amused grin on his face. “Is it time for you to go already?” Before Mike could say anything, Chester caught Noah standing up out of the corner of his eye, and heading toward the kitchen with his plate. “You too? Fuck. Is time flying or am I just the slowest eater ever?” 

“Time is flying,” Noah answered before downing the rest of his juice. “Breakfast was great, Chaz.” He quickly rinsed off his plate, and stuck it in the dishwasher as he and Mike tried not to bump into each other. “Have a good day with your lessons,” he mentioned before bolting back to the table to get one more kiss from his boyfriend. 

“Thanks,” Mike replied. He washed his hands after he put his plate away and dried them carefully on the little dish towel next to the sink. There was a full day of lessons ahead of him, and he knew it would go by fast, but he still hated leaving Chester so early in the morning. With a sigh he stepped behind Chester and ran both hands over his shoulders and down his arms, leaning over to kiss the back of his neck. “Bye, Ches. I’ll text you at lunch.” 

“Mmmm, hate that you gotta go so soon,” Chester purred back. He twisted his head and managed to catch Mike’s cheek. “I’ll let you know when we get to Oxnard.” He knew it wasn’t necessary, but it had become a new pattern. Anytime Chester left L.A. for work, he’d text Mike just to let him know he got to where he was going safely. “Have a good day with the kiddos. I hope they won’t be too annoying.” 

“You’re so lucky you get to work with kids,” Noah stated after getting his kiss from Amir. He pulled his lightweight red jacket on. “I think that would be neat. Teaching them and whatnot.” He searched his pockets for his keys before he said a final goodbye to the room, and headed out the front door.

Amir watched Mike follow along behind Noah, making a comment about teaching as the door closed behind them. He looked around at the kitchen. Chester was good about cleaning up as he went, so things were still mostly neat, and he didn’t have any complaints about that. He really didn’t have any problem with Mike, either, but it felt overdue to say something about the living arrangement. There wasn’t any fear that the four of them would turn into the mess that Mike, Chester, Ryan, and Jason had turned into, but he knew he’d rather be alone with Noah.

He picked up his coffee again and drank the rest, then settled back into his chair. “What time are you heading out?” he asked Chester casually. 

“Twenty minutes, give or take.” Chester double checked his phone. “Ry’s picking me up.” 

“That’s nice. Mike seems to be okay with that these days.” Amir waited just a moment before he went on. “Not that it’s my business, but you two seem to be doing well. I’m glad, Chaz. I really am.” 

Chester nodded. “We are. And thanks. I know it was bad for awhile with me and everything,” he admitted, his voice dropping slightly. “But we’re working on things. I think we’re going to be okay this time.”

“I’m glad that it’s working out.” Amir hesitated. He hoped Chester wouldn’t be upset at his line of questioning. He really didn’t mind having Chester around, or helping out while things were messy with Mike, and he didn’t want the other man to feel bad. “Have you two talked about living together again? I mean, it seems ridiculous to be in two separate places. He’s here every night that’s a _Mike night._” He emphasized the words with air quotes. 

“We have. A little.” Chester set his food aside and picked up his coffee. He wasn’t really surprised by Amir’s questions. It had never been the long term plan for Chester to still be living in the spare room. “He’s applying to USC. If he gets in, he’ll be a full time student. I’m not sure how things will really go. I know I’ve been here longer than I said I would be already.” He took a sip of coffee. He really didn’t want to promise Amir he’d move out soon, not when he didn’t know how Mike’s school would end up yet. One income versus two incomes for rent was a massive game changer, if they decided to move back in together. It was still a back and forth subject in Chester’s head. “I’m saving,” he said instead. “Hopefully I can find a place before too long.” 

“I’m not trying to rush you,” Amir said, waving one hand in the air to dismiss the idea. “I was just talking about it to Noey this morning, and thought I’d ask. I don’t have a problem with you being here.” He pondered the conversation for another quick second before he stood up with his plate. “You two aren’t in the way or anything. Though I did tell Noey if we get short on money for something he wants, I’ll start charging Mike rent.” He flashed a smile at Chester to soften his words. “I told him I’d buy him more glow in the dark stars. I hear you have a ceiling full of them.” 

Behind all of Amir’s words, Chester got the meaning. _They want to be alone. I get that. Not having privacy as a couple isn’t a good thing. It’s not healthy._ “I do,” he said, standing up to take his half finished plate to the kitchen. “He’s a good guy, Amir. I’m really happy for the two of you. Noah turned out to be a lot different than I figured.” He dumped his food in the trash and took his plate to the sink. “I’ll talk to Mike,” he mentioned over his shoulder. “We’ll get our plans in order.” 

“No rush. And yeah, Noey really changed things.” Amir took a quick breath and then spilled, “I’m trying to find another job. Something other than porn. He doesn’t say that it bothers him, but it does. And Carnal Delights just isn’t the same as YRS. For all the shit we dealt with there, when it comes down to it, we had it pretty good.” 

Chester was frozen, leaning his butt against the counter as he looked at Amir. “You’re going to quit for him,” he whispered. It was the one thing he wished he would have done a lot sooner when it came to Mike and the impact YRS had on them. If he would have quit when Mike first asked him to, things would be completely different. “I think that’s great. Good for you,” he encouraged, not pondering on what could have been. “I’m sure you’ll find something. It’s a big city.” 

Amir nodded. “I’m working on it. But don’t tell him. I don’t want him to get his hopes up and then have it not work out.”

“Yeah. Okay, of course. I won’t say anything.” Chester limped his way back to the table to get his coffee. He was running out of time. Ryan would be knocking on the door in a few minutes. “He’s going to be thrilled when it finally does happen though. He’s very fond of you, you know. I think he’ll love having you all to himself.” 

****

It was weird being at Joe’s house at night. It was even stranger to be lying in one of Joe’s beds. “There’s a lot of white in this room,” Chester mentioned as he laid on his side, watching as Mike tip-toed around the room. The overhead light was off, the lamp on the bedside table giving off just enough of a glow to see by. “Aren’t you worried about getting something dirty?” he asked in a whisper.

“All the time,” Mike whined, returning the whisper. “Heidi is cool, but she’s also terrifying. I don’t think she ever intended for anyone to actually _sleep_ in here. I think it was just for looks.” He folded his jeans and then stepped into his pajama pants. “And I’m always trying to not wake up the baby. Apparently waking babies is the worst thing you can ever do.” 

“I’ve never really been around a baby,” Chester admitted. He scratched his fingers over the white fitted sheet he was resting on. “Joe always talks like being a dad is the best thing ever though. And this bed is hard,” he added with a whimper. “You’re probably right. They never actually thought anyone would sleep in here.” 

Mike slid into bed next to Chester and laid his hand over his lover’s side. “It is really hard.” He bit his bottom lip for a second and caught Chester’s eyes in the low light. They were nearly black in the shadows. “It makes me miss our old bed. That was a good bed.” He smoothed his thumb back and forth over the top of his pajama pants that Chester had put on for bed. Down was fuzzy flannel, up was warm skin. He enjoyed the laziness of the motion as he allowed himself to think about the loft for a moment. 

Chester sighed. He enjoyed Mike’s touch for a minute, before he returned the gesture. He slid his fingers lightly up and down Mike’s chest and stomach. “I loved our bed there,” he mused with his eyes closed. “I hope we can have another one sometime soon. A bed that’s ours.” 

“We can go pick it out together. We’ll go to one of those mattress stores and lay on all the beds and see which one we both like.” Mike let his eyes close, too. It was good to be reconnecting at the end of a long day. Dinner had been delicious, and he’d teased Chester about his ketchup consumption before the conversation turned to Amir and staying over. It was how they had ended up at Joe’s, stealthily coming in and going straight to Mike’s borrowed bedroom. He was tired, but his imagination was consumed with the thought of how bed shopping with Chester would go. “We’ll have to snuggle up and see which one knocks us out.”

Chester snorted softly. “I can just picture us, going from bed to bed to bed.” His hand traveled up Mike’s t-shirt till his fingers found the warm skin of his neck, and then his soft beard. “I love this on you. Have I ever told you that? It makes you look so handsome.” He tilted his head to place a soft kiss to Mike’s ear. 

Mike smiled and turned his head, hoping for more kisses. “I think you may have mentioned it. You know, I started growing it to hide. I wanted to be different, to look different than I did…” He stopped. He knew Chester would know what he meant, even when it was still difficult for him to talk about his time at YRS. “It helped that you liked it. There’s no going back, now.” Mike shifted his rubbing hand up to feel over the bare skin of Chester’s back. “If you ever get tired of it, let me know.” 

Chester’s lips were busy, pressing petal kisses to Mike’s earlobe and neck, his fingers still stroking the facial hair that had started everything. “I know you needed a change,” he whispered with a low swallow. “But it really suits you. Maybe you were trying to hide, but I think you found your natural look instead.” 

“Natural, huh?” It was Mike’s turn to snort softly, trying to stay quiet. “Do you know how much work goes into this natural look?” he teased. “I have to trim it, and stuff.” He started to return the soft kisses to Chester’s face, even knowing that tonight wouldn’t lead anywhere. There was no way he was having sex in Heidi’s guest bed. 

“I know. I love watching you comb it,” Chester said, smiling through the dark. He shifted a little closer, his hand dropping from Mike’s beard to his hip. He slid his fingers back and forth over the waistband of his boyfriend’s pajama bottoms, dancing them from Mike’s hip to the top of his ass and back. “I think maybe I’m partly jealous. You know I can’t grow anything more than a goatee. I’m cursed, Sexy Boy. Cursed,” he hissed playfully, struggling to keep his naturally boisterous voice under control. “So all I have is your beard.” 

“Shh,” Mike shushed with a giggle. “You can have all of my beard you want. And I’ve never seen you with a goatee.” He thought back through their years together. “I’ll give you all the beard growing advice I have if you want to go for it.” He grinned at his boyfriend and dropped his hand to match how Chester’s was moving on him. 

“I know you’ve never seen it. Count yourself lucky,” Chester decided. They were under the thin sheet and matching blanket, and despite the hard mattress, Chester was getting comfortable. He nudged Mike’s feet with his one good one, till the three were tangled together. “I’d have to run a goatee by Forrest before I could try to grow one anyway. They like us looking younger. Or me looking younger, anyway. Ryan’s all scruff.” He sucked his breath in. He hadn’t really meant to mention Ryan amidst their intimate conversation. “Anyway. Yours is sexy. It matches your hair and fucking dark eyes.” He nuzzled his nose to Mike’s ear. 

Mike let the Ryan comment pass by without saying anything. He’d spent too much time letting Ryan come between them, he wasn’t about to start an argument over something so trivial. “Well, if you ever want a change, I’m game.” He turned and kissed Chester’s cheek again, this time only once before he rubbed his face on the pillowcase. All of his whiskers made a soft scraping sound on the cloth. “Anyway, these beds,” he reminded Chester. “Where are we putting this bed we’re picking out together?”

Chester’s rubbing fingers slowed to a stop. “I don’t know. I’ve been keeping an eye on apartment listings, but they’re so expensive. I hate to admit it, but I think I took living at the loft for free all those years for granted. Actually paying rent is going to suck.” He went quiet, his hand sliding around Mike’s hip and stopping at the small of his back. He rubbed a few soft circles into Mike’s skin. “If you get into school…_when_ you get into school, we’ll just have my income. I need a raise. Or I need to get a second job, like I was talking about before.” 

Hearing Chester talk about the two of them living together again with such certainty was comforting, despite the very real fact that Mike wouldn’t be contributing much to their expenses. But a frown crossed his features when he thought about Chester working a second job. _We’d really never have any time together then. I don’t want Ches to have to work a second job. _ “I’ll be able to work a little bit,” he corrected, “it just won’t be like now. I’ll be able to do about ten to fifteen hours at the studio, so it’s a little something. And, we don’t know how the financial aid will go yet. If I can have a great audition, I might get a scholarship that covers some housing costs. It would be on campus, though. And I’m not sure how that would work, with us.” 

Mike snuggled his face closer to Chester’s, leaning their foreheads together. “I mean, I know there’s really only two ways you could stay there with me, and I’m not sure how you feel about either of those ways.” He kept his eyes closed and waited. 

Chester squinted through the dim light. If Mike got his housing paid for, that would solve a lot of problems, but only if they could live together. “What are the two ways?” he asked, his circles on Mike’s back straying down over his ass, and then back up.

“Well, if you took some classes, if you were a student, too, then we could request each other as roommates.” Mike had a vision in his head of Chester with a backpack on both shoulders, one that held books and not clothes for a weekend at work. 

“You know how I feel about school though. For me,” Chester made sure to say, his fingers squeezing with his words. “I want you to go, it’s your dream. But I don’t think I would make it. And that would be more money, because God knows I’d never get a scholarship.” He waited, thoughts passing over his mind of what it might be like to be a college student. It seemed a world away. A world he’d never even entertained before. He’d barely passed high school. College would be impossible. “You said there were two ways. What’s the other one?”

“Don’t underestimate yourself,” Mike whispered. “I know it’s always been my thing, but you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for, Ches.” He stopped and gently pulled Chester closer to him. “And the other way is if we were married. I know that’s crazy,” he rushed on, “but maybe, someday, before I get finished, you’ll believe me when I tell you that I want to spend my life with you. One day that will be the right thing for us, and then we won’t have to worry about ever being apart.”

Chester sucked in a soft breath. Marriage wasn’t a topic they’d talked about in a long time. A really long time. _Not since I told him that Brad said I’d marry a blue man._ “So...if we’re married, they’d let me live there even if I’m not taking classes?” He tried to piece that together. “Does that happen a lot? Married people living on campus together?” He pulled on Mike’s back, snuggling them a bit more together. It was nice to hear Mike declare a love that went to the depth of marriage. That was serious. 

“It does.” Mike could feel his heart beating a little faster. Just saying it aloud made him nervous. “It’s not a reason to get married, I know that. I don’t want you to think I’m saying that. We’re not going to use marriage to solve problems. Just, one day, we’ll be ready for that, and I want you to know, if I’m still in school they’ll let you live with me, even if you’re not a student.” He sighed and opened his eyes to try to see Chester’s face, but they were so close. “I love you, and I’m not going to lose you. If you don’t want to take a class, we’ll figure out some other way for now.”

Chester could feel his hand shaking a little. “It’s just, after everything...you’d still want us to get married.” It wasn’t a question. He was trying to reconcile all the hurt and pain over the last few months with the conversation that was happening. “I love you, too. I never wanted us to be apart.” 

“I know. I know I was wrong, Ches. I couldn’t even sleep without you.” Mike knew it was hard for Chester still to understand what had happened. It was hard for him to understand it, too. “If I could take it all back, I would. I want you to know that. I’d undo it all. I’ll do everything I can for you to trust me again.” He pressed a soft kiss to Chester’s chin before he whispered, “I want you to know that I’m going to work for your trust every day.” 

It was encouraging to hear Mike say he’d undo everything if he could. Chester really wanted to believe that, and he pushed the small sound of doubt away. “We both have things to work on for each other,” he stated before he pecked Mike’s neck and smiled. “And I think I might kill your vibe on campus. You know me, always causing trouble,” he laughed softly. “I’d probably break all the dorm rules.” 

Mike felt his nerves calming as Chester giggled and kissed him. “I’m sure the closets are too small, too,” he teased. “And let’s not even talk about the tiny kitchen space. I think it’s like two burners on the stove, or something like that. In the apartments. I know the dorm rooms don’t even have a kitchen space.” 

Chester sat up. His mouth dropped open in shock. “What?” He shook his head back and forth as he tried to see Mike’s face through the low light. “Two burners? Mike, that’s no good. What happens if you need to cook three things on the stove top? Or no kitchen at all? I just, but, I, no,” he stated in a stutter. “That’s barbaric.” 

“Lay back down, Ches,” Mike begged, reaching out to pet over Chester’s skin. “We’re so far ahead of knowing what will actually happen. It’s still a week until the audition and we won’t know what kind of money they’re offering until at least a week later. So let’s not worry about it. I just thought you might need to know, if we go that way, the cooking options will be limited.” 

Chester sank slowly back into Mike’s arms. “Jesus, Sexy Boy,” he whispered, “it was a scary moment there for a second. And do you know what people give you as wedding presents? Kitchen stuff,” he stated with certainty. “We have to have a kitchen. Maybe we could rig something up.” He pulled his piercing in for a second, thinking, before he let it go. “You’re right. I’m being crazy. Who knows what will happen.” He turned his head and pressed a kiss to Mike’s face. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to freak. I’m good now.” 

Mike nodded. _At least he freaked over the kitchen, and not the idea of marriage someday._ “Wherever we end up, it will be fine, because we’ll be together. It will be so good to have you back. I miss you when you’re at Amir’s and I’m here. I don’t want to be like that anymore.” He nudged Chester gently with his knee. “You wanna roll your way?” 

“Don’t I always want to roll my way?” Chester asked coyly, even as a yawn followed his words. “And yes. I’m worn out now. All this talk of kitchens and small closets and rent and college and marriage.” He slipped a kiss to Mike’s cheek before he rolled over. The room went completely dark as Mike turned off the light. Chester shoved his arm up under his pillow and scooted his ass back till he felt his lover’s body behind him. “And I agree. I don’t like us living apart either.” 

Mike nuzzled his face between Chester’s neck and the pillow, and he felt the shiver that ran through his boyfriend’s body as the beard he’d been admiring tickled along his skin. “Never again,” he promised, holding Chester close. It wouldn’t be long before he fell asleep. It never was with Chester in his arms. “I love you. Thanks for staying with me in this hard bed,” he added, shifting his hips a little to get more comfortable. 

Chester reached behind him, grasping for Mike’s arm. “You’re worth this hard ass bed,” he mumbled. “Good night, Sexy Boy.” He hung on until he heard his lover’s softer voice saying good night in reply. Chester’s eyes were closed, but the pictures behind them kept playing. Images of living on a college campus, and trying to make a tiny kitchen set up work hit him first. He could see Mike doing well in his music classes, and how happy he would be to finally fulfill that lifelong dream. 

It wasn’t until Chester was on the edge of sleep, when his body was warm and relaxed, the feeling of security behind him, when the vision of Mike in a black tuxedo, standing at an altar came to mind. Despite his groggy mind, Chester managed to smile. _Maybe one day._

****  
TBC


	46. In the Closet... Again

Chester checked the time on his phone. He had thirty minutes before the party was officially supposed to start, but he was still in his closet, mostly naked. He had his jeans picked out, a dark blue pair that fit around his small ass snuggly, and now that he was walking boot free, nothing was stopping him from wearing the tightest jeans he owned. They were already off the hanger and tossed onto the bed. Now he needed a shirt to go with them. _What says party? No. What says Yay! Noah and Amir are moving in together? Hmmmmm….Noah loves colorful stuff._

He picked at a yellow shirt, and then a pink one, but neither really fit his mood. He was happy for his friends. When Amir announced last week that Noah was going to officially move in, Chester was happy, and wished them both the best. _But that just means I really need to move out of here. I wish me and Mike could move back in together._

It was an odd mix of jealousy and happiness, and Chester was still trying to navigate that feeling. The last few months had been hard, and it seemed the roadblocks were never going to stop. Between Mike working so hard to get into USC, and money not coming in as fast as they needed it to get their own place soon, it was a struggle. 

His shoulders slumped a little until one of his favorite shirts caught his attention. It was like a dose of sunshine as he perked up and pushed his other choices out of the way. _Fuck, I love this shirt. This is what I’m wearing._ He admired the white, short sleeved collared shirt with the bright red breast pocket, and the blue pinstripe running along the bottom, like an outline, which would match his current choice of underwear. It was a Score leftover from a shoot he’d done awhile back, and he’d been overjoyed to bring it home and add it to his private collection. 

Mike rolled from his back to his side and tried to look into the closet. “Ches? You’ve been in there for a while. You need some help or anything? An opinion?” He rolled his eyes at himself. Chester never asked him for fashion advice. _Because I have no fashion advice. I can barely match my t-shirts to my flannels, but at least I try now. I never cared before I met him._ Mike couldn’t see anything from where he was laying, but he wasn’t exactly inclined to move. The idea of a party in Amir’s apartment was a little unsettling. There were sure to be people he didn’t know, and probably some he wished he didn’t. _But it’s for Ches. He’s excited about it. And like we talked about, Noah and Amir are happy. I can make it through the party._ “Ches?” he called again, raking his hand through the bangs that were falling into his eyes.

Chester had moved onto his belts. They hung in a neat bundle toward the back of the closet. His red belt from Mohawk General with the beveled stars was his top pick, and already between his fingers when he heard Mike calling him. 

He glanced over his shoulder. He could see one bare foot and the leg of Mike’s light blue jeans with holes in the knees. “Sexy Boy, I’m working on my outfit!” he hollered before he pulled the red belt away from the others. Despite only being in a pair of dark blue underwear, he laced the belt around his hips anyway, and buckled it, like he was saving it for later. “Now for shoes,” he mumbled as he pulled his piercing in to suck on it as he thought. Shoes were always the hardest. 

Mike wiggled his toes and called back, “I miss you. You’ve been in there forever.” He smiled at the silly tone in his voice. Chester could take half a day picking out something to wear, and though he’d never understand why it was such a big deal, it was just part of the Chester Bennington package. 

Mike’s voice broke Chester’s concentration. He turned around so he could see out into the bedroom. His boyfriend was laid out on the bed. He was shirtless, with just his jeans on, and Chester suddenly got the impulse to go jump on him. 

There wasn’t a lot of thought put into his attack. He zipped out of the closet, and was on the bed in a flash. He rolled Mike onto his back, and climbed right on top of him as they both laughed. “There,” Chester said as he looked down into Mike’s dark eyes. “I’m here.” He leaned down, his hands on either side of Mike’s head as he pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth, and then his warm lips. 

“Mmmmm,” Mike hummed, catching Chester’s hips in both hands. They kissed for only a moment before he felt Chester reach to play with his beard. Their lips parted with a soft pop and Mike smiled as Chester’s fingers stroked his cheek. “You are. I like it when you’re here.” He was careful not to hold on too tightly while his boyfriend sat right on top of him. “What kind of outfit is this?” he asked playfully. “Underwear and a belt?” 

Chester sat himself all the way up, leaving him perched on Mike’s stomach and hips. “This isn’t all of it,” he said, playfully smacking Mike’s naked chest. “My pants are there,” he explained as he pointed behind him to his jeans. “And I know which shirt I’m going to wear, and this belt. I was working on my shoes when you got needy.” He wrinkled his nose in Mike’s direction before he leaned forward and swiped a stray bit of floppy hair from Mike’s face. 

“I’m not needy,” Mike protested, even though he knew that he was. He was always needy for Chester’s attention, despite having it almost one hundred percent of the time they were together, and a good share of the time they weren’t. “But you know, you’ll be all mingling at the party and serving your cheesy spread and I’ll be missing you then, too.” With a full-on pouty bottom lip, Mike looked up at Chester, trying to make his eyes really big and sad. 

Chester’s playful smirk faded as he thought about the last time Amir had a party. He’d spent most of his time doing exactly what Mike said - mingling. _And skating with Ry._ It was a sharp memory, and even though tonight’s event wouldn’t be at the roller skating rink, Chester knew it would be more or less the same crowd as last time. Their mutual friends from YRS would be there, but guys from Carnal Delights would show up, too. It was something he and Mike had already talked about, and even though he’d assured his lover that he would be by his side the whole time, it was clear that Mike was still worrying. 

“It’s a damn shame Amir is having it catered,” Chester said, his finger lightly running over an invisible pattern on Mike’s chest. “I would have cooked everything for it. But it’s okay. This way I won’t be as busy. And the cheese spread kicks ass. It won’t be time consuming plating crackers for everyone,” he told his boyfriend with a soft smile. “There’s going to be a lot of people here, but I’m yours all night. We can mingle together.” 

Mike sighed, running his hands around the top of Chester’s underwear to his back, where he spread his fingers open. “I hope it doesn’t last all night. I’m just not a party kind of guy. I’d rather be alone with you.” Mike reached as far up Chester’s back as he could, then lightly scratched his fingernails back down. “But, I guess I’ll survive. As long as you’re with me.” 

The feel of Mike’s nails made Chester’s back arch. His head went back a little with a “Mmmmmm,” purring from his lips. “Of course I’m with you. Always.” 

There was a brief thought to pull a little on the red starry belt around Chester’s waist, but Mike stopped himself. They were supposed to be getting ready for the party. “You better get your sexy ass back in that closet and find some shoes, or we may not make it to the party. You know how it goes when you’re all naked on top of me. Well, not naked. Mostly naked.” He let his hands drop away from Chester to allow him to get up and get on task.

“Oh, _now_ I need to go get dressed?” Chester said dramatically. “I was trying to do that before.” He flashed his boyfriend an accusatory look, complete with a cocked eyebrow, before he climbed off of him. “And I’m not the only one walking around mostly naked,” he stated with a smack to Mike’s leg and a tickle down to his bare foot before he headed back into the closet. He headed straight to his shoes, ready to finish up so he could have time in front of the bathroom mirror to work on his hair before people started showing up. 

“I’m trying to be good,” Mike whined, sitting up and sliding off the bed to follow Chester into the closet. “And I wasn’t walking anywhere.” He leaned against the doorframe of the closet and watched Chester stare at his shoes. They were finally organized, after the weeks of being in an unruly heap when he’d moved into Amir’s. “I think those look nice,” he offered, sticking his foot out to nudge a pair of Chester’s sneakers with his toe. 

Chester looked from his shoes to Mike’s big toe, and then up to his boyfriend’s face. “Yeah? You like those?” He tilted his head and smiled. “Okay. I think you picked a winner. Look at you! It’s about time my fashion sense starts to rub off on you.” 

In one smooth motion, Chester slid over in front of Mike, lacing his arms around his waist. “I love you just a little more now,” he whispered, placing a kiss to Mike’s neck. His lover was fresh from the shower, and Chester could smell the lingering scent of soap on him. It was intoxicating. 

He slid his hands down to Mike’s ass and squeezed. “It’s a turn on, you know,” he said coyly. “You talking about clothes.” He knew this wasn’t going to grant him more time in front of the bathroom mirror, but something ornery had latched onto Chester the moment his boyfriend entered the closet and engaged in the outfit conversation. 

This time Mike didn’t stop himself. He hooked his fingers over the top of Chester’s red starry belt and tugged him closer. “A turn on, huh? Makes me wish I knew more about clothes.” He felt the kisses moving along his jaw and close by his ear, and Mike sighed softly. “You’re starting something we can’t finish right now,” he mumbled, just as Chester pressed his lips to the spot behind his ear. Mike’s grip on the belt tightened and he pulled Chester into him. His boyfriend wasn’t lying - being in the closet and talking about shoes was turning him on, and that fact alone had Mike’s mind skipping the party altogether so they could have their own private party in the bedroom.

Time didn’t matter in Chester’s head, his thoughts of styling his hair replaced by a different sort of impulse. One that involved flipping Mike around and pressing into him. “We can finish,” he said, his tongue lapping at Mike’s earlobe, slow and seductive. “We can be quick. Mostly quick.” He pulled his tongue in to add a nuzzle of his nose to Mike’s soft neck before he pulled back to put a sliver of space between them. 

“Turn around, Sexy Boy. Please.” He made a twirl motion with his hand, and he kept himself from laughing at the expression on Mike’s face before he did what he was told. Chester’s hands went right to Mike’s hips. He kissed his shoulders, and just under the base of Mike’s neck before he whispered, “lean forward.” 

Chester slid both hands up Mike’s naked back that was stretched out in front of him, his boyfriend’s hands on the doorframe. Chester let his nails drag lightly back down before leaning in and adding kisses. He plopped the damp spots all the way up Mike’s spine, listening as his boyfriend hummed in approval.

It didn’t take long before Chester had his arms around Mike’s waist. He could pop the button of Mike’s jeans in the dark. With his eyes closed. With one arm tied behind his back. He was an expert, and in seconds the denims were undone, and Chester shoved them down halfway. It was a rush of excitement as he grabbed Mike’s hips and pressed his hidden hard on into his boyfriend’s red and black plaid boxers. “Fuuck you feel good,” he purred, his head going forward to lavish Mike’s back with more kisses and licks. He dragged his tongue along Mike’s spine, and when his boyfriend shivered in pleasure, Chester felt his tip getting wet inside his underwear. The clothing between them wasn’t going to last long. 

Mike’s hands clutched onto the doorframe. He hadn’t expected this, but he wasn’t about to say no. Chester’s mobility had been limited for weeks with his ankle messed up, and Mike had been one hundred percent in charge of their intimacy. But now, it was obvious that not only was Chester’s ankle completely healed, he was ready to give back the way they’d teased about. He wiggled his hips, pressing back into the hard cock between his ass cheeks. “Yeah?” he husked, turning his chin over one shoulder just enough to talk to his boyfriend. “You want this?” Mike wasn’t sure, but it seemed as though Chester was ready to bend him over, and it had been a long, long time since they had done anything like that. He couldn’t think of a single quickie they’d had where Chester had been on top. 

“More than want,” Chester whispered. He spread his fingers out low on Mike’s back, and then around the sides, caressing the slight love handles that existed, the evidence of his boyfriend’s healthy appetite. “I love your body,” Chester said, his mind fogging over with a lustful drive. His hands snaked around to Mike’s front. His fingertips dipped under the waistband of Mike’s boxers until he felt the soft pubic hair and the half-hard cock he was searching for. Chester stroked around the base, and then down Mike’s length until he got to his tip. He teased it lightly, skimming his fingers over the mushroom head, tugging gently, and then it was back down his shaft as he kissed Mike’s back. His eyes were closed. He knew his lover’s body like the lyrics to his favorite song. It was burned into his memory. His fingertips. His heart. 

“Ohhh, that feels goooood.” Mike’s voice was more of a sigh than actual words. He wished he were completely out of his clothes. He wished Chester were naked. He wished he could touch his lover, too, but Chester was busy behind him, kissing his bare skin all over while he skillfully stroked him. It was all Mike could do not to turn around and grab his boyfriend by the hips and press him up against the wall. “Naked, Ches,” he whisper-moaned. “Forget the clothes, let’s get naked.” 

Chester afforded his lover another few strokes down, around, and over his cock, before he slid his hands back to Mike’s hips. “Naked is always good.” He pressed another wet kiss to the small of Mike’s back before he dropped to his knees. It took little effort to pull Mike’s boxers down with him, and then he had his boyfriend stepping out of his jeans, too. “There. Naked,” Chester said with a confident smile. He drifted his gaze all the way up the back of Mike’s hairy legs, and then to his ass. He licked his lips. 

He reached up, wrapping his fingers around Mike’s hip bones, and then slowly dragged both hands all the way down to his ankles before he started to place kiss after kiss up his legs. One kiss to the right leg, then one to the left. His lips pressed against Mike’s warm skin, and his tongue joined in as he went until he was at Mike’s round butt cheeks. 

Chester didn’t stop. He kissed both cheeks, over and over. He nudged Mike’s legs, silently getting his lover to spread them wider. Chester ran his hands up the inside of his boyfriend’s thighs, his fingers gently smoothing over Mike’s balls. After years of being together, Chester knew how to touch him, where to put pressure, and where to steer clear of. He knew what would make his boyfriend’s toes curl, and what would make him jump. It was an indulgent, sexual dance that Chester was a master at - that they were both masters at. 

He brought his hands up, pulling Mike’s cheeks apart to kiss close to his anal opening. His boyfriend was fresh and clean, having showered less than an hour ago, which left Chester without a single worry of allowing his lips and tongue to dive into the sensitive area. His eyes were shut as he licked and prodded his tongue at Mike’s opening. He savored the differing textures of skin, and the sensation of doing something so intimate with his lover. 

The second Chester’s tongue touched him Mike’s mind was gone. Any lingering thought he’d had of being in control of what was happening was miles away as his boyfriend’s tongue gently probed at his opening. Chester’s fingers on his skin were a secondary sensation and Mike focused on the moment, on how good it felt to be manipulated this way. It was hard not to shiver and clench as his lover exposed such an intimate part of his body. Mike felt Chester’s tongue go a little deeper and he moaned, the warmth and wetness inviting thoughts of Chester’s fingers, then his cock, filling him. It had been a long time, but Mike couldn’t think about that while his boyfriend masterfully rimmed him. The only thought that came as his knees started to shake was _hurry._

“Fuuuckk, Ches,” Mike panted, bracing one hand on the doorframe so he could get the other around his cock. It only took one stroke to smear the precum that was steadily dripping down his shaft, and Mike bit his bottom lip to stifle the next moan. A muffled _ahhh_ was all that came out and he increased the pressure as his hand slipped over his mushroom head and back down. He felt the involuntary clench of his muscles as Chester pressed in a little harder, humming his approval. There were already tremors in his thighs, and Mike wanted more. Whether that was tongue or fingers or dick, he didn’t care. He just wanted more, and he managed to get out a word that sounded something like “more” as he leaned forward toward the door, resting his forehead against his arm. 

Mike’s whimpered voice hit Chester’s ears, and he had to keep himself from grinning. Instead he pushed his tongue in a little deeper. He let his mind drift to all things Mike Shinoda - his talent, his body, his soulfully dark eyes, his pouty lips, his basic - but reliable - jeans and flannels, his love, the sound of his voice, his desire to achieve his dreams, his warm embrace every night. 

Chester pressed harder, spreading Mike’s cheeks wider. It was enough to involve the ball on his lip rig, letting it push against Mike’s sensitive puckered skin around his opening. Chester pulled his tongue out and then sent it back in, swirling it around. His tongue wasn’t long like his fingers, and it didn’t have the thickness of his cock, but it was a nice way to stretch his boyfriend a little before they really got to things. 

His own dick was begging to be touched, and Chester gave in. He shoved his confining underwear down so he could wrap his hand around his cock. The moment he did, he pulled back from Mike’s ass. His mouth was open as he touched himself, slathering his cock with his dripping pre-cum. His mind was overloaded with sensations, and it took him a few seconds to regroup.

He kept stroking his thumb over his wet mushroom head while he licked his fingers on the other hand. He leaned forward, nuzzling his nose and lips back between Mike’s ass cheeks before he added one finger. He felt the small jump in Mike’s hips, but it wasn’t enough to stop Chester. “Sexy Boooy,” he moaned as he pushed in further, licking and serving up doses of saliva when needed as he pushed his finger in and out of his lover. 

Mike only felt a fleeting moment of disappointment when Chester’s lips and tongue left him. The fact that they’d been replaced by fingers meant only one thing: Chester’s cock was coming next, and Mike couldn’t wait. “Another,” he begged Chester breathlessly, ready to move things along. This time he couldn’t hold back the moan as he felt Chester pull out, then press back inside him with two fingers. The anticipation was killing him. 

“I need… I need,” Mike panted, his eyes opening as he struggled to think. There was just enough rational thought left for him to know that he needed something lower than the doorframe to bend over if they were going to have sex in the closet. The first thing his eyes landed on that seemed like it would work was the boxes of Chester’s kitchen stuff. His eyes squeezed shut again as his boyfriend’s fingers did their work, probing and stretching while he still smoothly stroked himself. “Stop, babe,” he finally said, trying to pull together enough words to make sense. “I need… we need… to move this somewhere else.” He felt Chester’s fingers pause and a ripple of need flooded his body. He was desperately ready to move on. “We… we can’t do this... right here.” 

Mike’s clear voice brought Chester out of his concentrated zone. In the moment, he wasn’t sure what his boyfriend meant. His fingers were still lodged inside of Mike’s bottom, and Chester carefully pulled them out before he sat back on his knees, looking up. “Okay,” he managed to say with a dry swallow, most of his saliva having been sacrificed to Mike’s ass already. He glanced out toward the bed. The thought that Mike wanted to leave the closet hit, and a bit of disappointment crossed his stomach. “But I want to stay in the closet,” he stated, looking back up with his best ornery grin. “Closet sex, Sexy Boy. The carpet is soft if you want to come down here with me.” 

Chester patted the space next to him. Mike on all fours in the closet - his cheek pressed into the plush gray carpeting - was suddenly an enticing picture in his mind. _Or, I’ll grab my pillow off the bed for him. Can’t have a carpet burn on Sexy Boy’s beautiful face._ “I’ll grab the lube and my pillow for you,” he offered quickly, hoping that would be enough to salvage the closet location for what was coming next. 

“Yes,” Mike agreed urgently, easing himself to the floor slowly while Chester scampered away. He couldn’t help the silly smile that came when he realized his boyfriend was serious. This closet was Chester’s sacred space, and he wanted Mike, right there in the middle of it. “Hurry, babe,” he whined, wiggling his ass in Chester’s direction. “I’m soooo ready for you.” 

Hurrying with a full-on stiffy wasn’t the easiest, but Chester was giving it his best shot. He made sure to lock the bedroom door before opening the bedside table to retrieve the bottle of lube, and then the pillow from the bed before he managed his way back into the closet, to see Mike’s ass in the air. “Aren’t you the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Chester said with a soft snort of laughter, smacking his boyfriend’s butt with the pillow before tossing it to the floor. 

Chester watched as Mike reached, dragging the pillow over so he’d have it if he decided to lower his top half down. “No slobbering on my pillow, Sexy Boy,” Chester only half-heartedly stated before he got back on his knees behind Mike. He popped the lid on their lube and hurriedly squeezed a good amount into his hand, and then all over his still-stiff cock. “Fuck, it’s been a long time since we’ve done it this way,” he said, more to himself than to Mike.

“Mmmm-hmmm,” Mike hummed, lacing his arms through the pillow that he’d doubled over and resting his head on it. He felt the tickle of Chester’s wet fingers over his opening, smearing some more lube there for good measure, and then the tip of his boyfriend’s cock, slipping along between his butt cheeks until it found its target. “I love you,” he stated, only one side of his face smashed into the pillow as Chester started to push.

Chester had one hand on Mike’s hip, the other around the base of his cock to help get it where it was going. The moment he felt his tip press against, and then push through into Mike’s body, he shivered. Chester couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been on top, the last time his cock was swallowed by his lover’s body. 

His eyes shut as his head went back. He breathed with his mouth open for a moment before he whispered, “I love you, too.” It took him a minute before he looked down at what was actually happening. His tip was barely in, but the sensation was fantastic. Mike’s insides were already squeezing, trying to block him out. “Deep breaths, Sexy Boy,” Chester encouraged, his hand sliding from Mike’s hip to rub over his back. 

Mike nodded and with his eyes tightly shut, he willed everything in him to slow down. The urgent need from moments earlier dissolved into something more meaningful as Chester held still and allowed Mike to breathe through the start of their lovemaking. He inhaled through his nose and out through his lips a few times, feeling everything calm and settle, feeling his body accept what was happening. “I’m okay,” he said, focusing on the feeling of Chester sliding so carefully into him. Inch by slow, glorious inch, he was being filled, and Mike let out a long sigh as their bodies connected. 

It was a slow first push, and it was hard not to want to instantly start pounding in and out once Mike gave his okay. Years of being on the bottom, however, had taught Chester how important it was to be gentle with anal sex, especially at the beginning and at the end. 

He shifted both hands back to Mike’s hips as he kept his cock still, his entire length all the way in. It was a consuming feeling, being swallowed so wholly. He looked down. Mike’s eyes were closed, his mouth open. His head was cradled on the pillow, his dark floppy hair threatening to cover his face any moment. Chester smiled. “Damn, you’re beautiful,” he cooed softly, leaning forward to kiss Mike’s back. And then it was on. He pulled back, and then pushed in. He kept the first few strokes slow, feeling and listening to Mike’s body. He felt the moment when the intense pressure let up, which was the signal to really get going. 

He clung to Mike’s hips as he picked up his pace, his knees pressed into the carpet. His entire body worked with his hips, shoving in deep and pulling back about halfway each time before going all the way back in. He pulled on his lover's body as he did, affording him just a little more depth inside. His heart pounded with the best kind of adrenaline. Already he could feel the coil in his balls tightening as Mike’s insides stimulated every bit of his length and sensitive tip. 

There were no words on Mike’s lips as Chester consumed him. Even after such a long absence from being together this way, the two of them knew exactly how to move in sync. As Chester pulled them together, Mike’s face pressed further into the pillow and he felt his hair cover his closed eyes. Every stroke brought tingles and trembles to his legs, and his heart was racing. He shifted a little, letting his weight rest more forward and his ass come up higher, changing the angle of his lover’s penetration. A breathy gasp popped from his lips on the first stroke that touched his prostate, and Mike pushed against Chester’s hips, seeking more pressure. He knew if they held that spot, Chester could make him come that way, and it had been a long time. He wanted it.

Chester felt the change. The soft spot inside of Mike’s body that hugged his tip each time he made contact with it was glorious. It was Mike’s spot, and Chester wasn’t going to lose it as he listened to his boyfriend moan in pleasure. 

He stayed focused, determined to let Mike hit bliss first. So many times in their bedroom activities, Chester was first to come, but not this time. This time was for Mike, and Chester shut his eyes as he let the sensations drive him in deeper, and right to the target. One hand slipped around Mike’s hip rather than on it as he helped keep the angle and the balance of their connected bodies. He was breathing hard. His own orgasm was chomping at the bit. He knew any second now the string of images that always preceded his ejaculation would start, but for now Chester was keeping them at bay as he forced other thoughts instead. He wasn’t going to let this end too quickly. 

Mike was so close. With Chester’s hand keeping his hips in place, his knees gradually slid out to the side with each stroke, allowing his boyfriend’s cock to inch deeper. The continuous stimulation to his prostate was so pleasurable it almost hurt. His mouth opened and a long, low, needy keening sound came with it, the feeling of almost coming but not quite being there lasting longer than Mike was accustomed to. Everything in his body was coiled tightly as Chester rocked against him, never letting up on his spot, his cock pressing and pressing against it relentlessly. 

He didn’t even notice the wet spot his mouth was making on Chester’s pillow as he clawed his hands into the soft carpeting underneath his head. Some part of his brain registered his lover’s pants and grunts, his determination as he drove Mike to orgasm. Mike hung on the edge of release, suspended in the absolute pleasure of being _so close_ until suddenly the press of Chester’s hips pushed him through it. Mike felt the hot cum splash over his thighs as Chester drew his orgasm from the inside, pulsing against his prostate in time with each wave from Mike’s body. They existed in perfect timing together, and Mike couldn’t control the volume of his voice as he moaned his pleasure in a continuous chant of _oh God, ohhhh_ while his toes curled so tightly his foot almost cramped. 

_ _The squeeze of Mike’s inner-walls against Chester’s cock was too much. The moment everything tightened, as Chester’s body ramped up on instinct, his orgasm fell in line with Mike’s. His mind flashed with images that ran by so fast it was a four-fold blur of pleasure - physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally. He rode Mike’s body down to the floor, pushing in deeper as they sank while his ejaculation hit. His essence shot from his balls out into his lover’s body, not to the surface under them or into his own hand like it had so many times over the course of their relationship, but inside of the man he loved. _ _

_ _By the time Chester’s hips slowed to a quiet stop, both his hands were on the floor, on either side of Mike’s head. He was breathing hard, his mouth open, his eyes closed as he hovered over Mike’s collapsed frame. “My god, Sexy Boy, did we make it out of that alive?” He smiled right after the words left his mouth as he peeked down at his boyfriend, who looked like a heap of hair and sweat._ _

_ _It took Mike a minute to find his voice. “No,” he croaked. “I’ve died and I think I’m in heaven.” He was thoroughly spent, and the idea of sleeping in a tangle of arms, legs, and cum on the floor of the closet seemed like the perfect answer to his body’s fatigue. He never wanted to move again. _ _

_ _Chester laughed softly as he bent his head down to kiss the back of Mike’s damp neck. “Don’t move,” he whispered, even though he knew the statement wasn’t necessary. He was careful as he pulled out. The slight grumble from Mike as his body went absolutely flat on the floor now that it was released was enough to tell Chester that his boyfriend was just fine. _ _

_ _Chester sat down on his bottom, his knees and legs worn out as he stretched them out in front of him. “I’m putting closet sex on my list of favorite things,” he said, his breath still a little labored as he looked over at Mike. _ _

_ _His lover’s face was hidden behind a mass of sweaty tangled hair. All he heard was an “Mhm” in response, but that was good enough. Chester nodded in agreement. “Exactly.” He looked around at his clothes hanging above them, his eyes landing on the shirt he’d yet to take off the hanger to put on for the party. _The party!__ _

_ _It was a gasp as Chester looked at his watch right as he heard voices out in the apartment. “Oh my god!” he shouted as he started to get up. “How did that take so much time?” He looked at Mike, who lifted one hand barely off the ground, his shoulders making a sort of shrugging motion. “Don’t you know what this means?” Chester asked in a panic. “I have no time to do my hair!” _ _

_ _He was on his feet, and for the first time he realized he still had the red starry belt looped around his waist. “Mike, look! I had this on the whole time!” He tugged on it, as if that somehow showed it off to his boyfriend. He heard Mike mumble something in response, but there was no time to talk about it now. _ _

_ _“Stay there,” Chester instructed, pointing down at Mike before he grabbed his discarded underwear. He got them on at lightning speed and then bolted out to the bed. He pulled his jeans on, and then quickly looped the belt through them properly. “I’m going to go clean up. I’ll bring something back for you, Sexy Boy!” _ _

_ _He didn’t wait. He was out the bedroom door and down the hallway, the bathroom in sight. He heard Noah call after him, but he didn’t answer. He shut the door behind him before undoing his belt and jeans and shoving them down with his underwear, his deflated cock in view. It was going to be a quick scrub down, just to get rid of any leftover fluids. His hands were sticky from the mix of lube and precum, and he needed to brush his teeth. “Fuuuck, just look at my hair,” he grumbled with a quick glare to his blonde curly mohawk that looked like it had been beaten and taken advantage of in a dark alley. _I’ll fix it later. I need to get cleaned up and then get Mike cleaned up. Ugh, the cheese spread! People are just going to have to wait._ _ _

_ _Mike was on the cusp of sleep when Chester returned to the closet in a whirlwind of panic. He heard something about cleaning up and a party, cheese, and his lover’s hair. An image of Chester, with a party hat over his blonde curls and cheese spread all over his naked body came to mind, and Mike smiled. “Don’t clean the cheese off, Ches. I’ll lick you clean.”_ _

_ _Chester was leaned over his boyfriend, a damp washcloth in hand when he stopped. “What?” he asked with a giggle. “I don’t have any cheese on me.” He knew 100% that his body was cheese-free, but he looked down at himself anyway before he rolled his eyes. He shook Mike’s shoulder instead. “Sexy Boy, wake up,” he insisted before playfully dropping the wet washcloth on Mike’s head. “Clean yourself up and come on. We have to finish getting ready. Noah already spotted me. _We’re late_,” he added in a bit more serious tone before he stood up. _ _

_ _He snatched his shirt from the hanger. He pulled it over his head and then stepped over Mike’s body to get to the shoes they’d picked out together earlier. “You need socks and a shirt and shoes,” he rambled as he looked at his naked lover. “And underwear and jeans...you need everything,” he decided before throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. _ _

_ _He went out and sat on the bed to put his shoes on, covering up his red and blue zebra print socks. “I’m going to go do my hair and then get the cheese and crackers ready. I’ll tell Noah and Amir that you’re on your way. Don’t pass out!” Chester shouted just as he got his other shoe tied. He stood up from the bed, his mission clear in his mind. His body was tired - exhausted - but satisfied. It was an uplifting feeling, and even though he didn’t say it out loud, it was extra gratifying knowing he’d not only gotten Mike off, but he’d left his lover in a puddle of bliss on the floor, the energy drained from him along with his orgasm._ _

_ _It took a moment for Mike to realize there was a wet washcloth on his head. He reached up and lifted it while he rolled slowly to the side, his knees falling open as he made his way over onto his back with a grunt. With effort he managed to wipe the sweat from his face, then half heartedly swiped at the cum drying on his thighs. He didn’t give two fucks about the party, but he knew it was important to Chester. He let his back rest on the floor for another minute or two, then jerked himself out of his almost asleep state. “Fuuuuckkk,” he whispered, scratching his free hand through his sweaty hair. The very last thing he wanted to do was get up and get dressed, and for a while he contemplated getting up and sliding into bed instead. _ _

_ _Finally he struggled up, dropping the dirty washcloth on the carpet. “Damn it,” he swore under his breath, then shrugged. They’d have to clean the cum out of the floor later. He needed the bathroom. How he was going to manage that with an apartment full of people was a mystery, and he rolled his eyes as he gathered his bearings._ _

_ __I didn’t even know I needed that until it happened. It’s been forever since he was on top. I forgot how much I liked that._ Mike pulled himself up using the doorframe and smirked. _I didn’t really forget. But wow. That’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Except after he makes me come like that, I just wanna snuggle up in bed and pass out. And now I have to go pretend to like people at this party.__ _

_ _He took his time pulling on his boxers and jeans after gathering them from where they’d left them in a rush. Mike could feel the sex on him - the lube, the cum - and hoped he didn’t smell like it, too. Despite the shower he’d had not an hour ago, he felt dirty, but in a good way. _Oh well. I don’t think anyone here would be too shocked._ He tugged his t-shirt over his head and grabbed his flannel before creeping out to the bathroom. Thankfully, nobody stopped him on his way to take care of his business._ _

_ _After he washed his hands he looked in the mirror and smiled at his flushed skin, his cheeks still pink and his hair damp from the sweat he and Chester had worked up together. There was a time that going out around people after sex would have embarrassed him, but not anymore. He didn’t care what anyone thought. He and Chester belonged together. He was more certain of that now than he ever had been, and as he slid his arms into his flannel, Mike Shinoda decided not to let anything distract him from enjoying his boyfriend that evening. _ _

_ _In the kitchen, Chester was working on plate number two of cheese and crackers. He’d already chatted with half a dozen people, including Devon and Caleb and a few guys he knew from Carnal Delights. He’d yet to see Ryan, and he was hoping Petey Sly would choose not to show up, even though he’d been invited. But now his concentration was on his crackers, and lathering just the right amount of his spicy homemade cheese spread on each one. _ _

_ _He finished off the plate just as Noah came into the kitchen. “That’s done,” Chester said as he nodded toward the large silver platter. _ _

_ _Noah’s hands went to his hips as he watched Chester dish out six more crackers onto a much smaller plate. “Thanks, Chaz,” he said, trying to figure out why Chester was using such a small plate for this third offering. “What’s that one for?” he asked, as he picked up the bigger platter. “Six crackers will be gone in a second.” _ _

_ _“This one is for Mike,” Chester answered with a grin as he pointed. _ _

_ _Noah shook his head. “Mike’s getting all the special treatment tonight, isn’t he?” He caught the look on Chester’s face before he leaned forward. “I saw him when he came out of the bedroom. You two are crazy.” His eyes flashed out to the rest of the apartment, his attention zeroing in on Amir who was talking with Devon and Caleb by the couch. “I hope me and Amir can be like that one day. You know, that balance you and Mike have of calm and sappy one minute and then wild animals the next.” _ _

_ _Chester left his crackers long enough to pat Noah on the shoulder. “We’ve been together a long time. A lot of that is just knowing each other really well and being in sync. You guys will get there.” _ _

_ _“Thanks, Chaz. I think we’re already on our way. I mean, I’m moved in for real now and he’s going to quit the business soon.” Noah made sure to drop his voice for that last part. Amir had admitted he was looking for something else, something outside of the world of porn, but that wasn’t common knowledge. Not yet. _ _

_ _“You guys will be fine,” Chester assured him. “You equal each other out. That’s important.” He watched as Noah flashed him a wide grin, and then he was gone, off into the crowd with the plate of cheese and crackers. Chester watched him go, ruefully rolling his eyes at Noah’s choice of tomato red shirt and jet black jeans. _I guess the shirt kinda matches his hair._ _ _

_ _He let out a sigh before he went back to work. Any minute Mike would join the party, and Chester was ready to sit with his boyfriend and feed him some cheese and crackers. It was a recipe he knew his lover enjoyed, and often asked for, and after their romp in the closet, he knew Mike would be ready to eat, since sleep was out of the question until later. _ _

_ _Mike came out of the bathroom and headed straight for the kitchen. He knew Chester would be in there, if not close nearby, and he wasn’t disappointed. Even though they’d just been together, Mike was irresistibly drawn to his lover, sliding up behind him and wrapping both arms around his middle. He snuggled his face to Chester’s neck and kissed him gently. “Mmmm, babe, I love you so much.” He peered over his boyfriend’s shoulder at the plate of cheese and crackers. “And those look yummy.” A rumble came from his stomach at the sight of food, loud enough for them both to hear._ _

_ _Chester let his weight lean against his boyfriend. He turned his head just enough to press his lips to Mike’s beard. “I love you, too. And _these_ are just for you. If you go find a spot to sit, I’ll come join you in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” _ _

_ _There was no hesitation on Mike’s part. He was already halfway to the chair next to the couch. Not Noah’s orange chair, but the other, more comfortable chair on the other side. It was the perfect place for the two of them to not be bothered by everyone else. There were already more people in the apartment than he felt comfortable with, standing around talking and laughing about things Mike was sure he didn’t want to talk about. He glanced around as he sat down. There were some vaguely familiar faces, people he remembered meeting at Amir’s birthday, before he spied Devon and Caleb with Noah. Predictably, Noah was beaming with excitement, one arm laced through Amir’s as they both talked to people. Mike hoped if anyone came to talk to him, it would be one of the guys he knew from YRS and not anyone else. He barely felt like being social with the people he knew. _ _

_ _Within seconds of his body sinking into the chair, someone dropped onto the couch next to him. Mike searched his brain for a name, taking several seconds to come up with the Carnal Delights star’s name. All he knew was his porn star name - Buff the Dick - but Mike wasn’t about to address him that way. He looked helplessly toward the kitchen, but Chester had been stopped by another guest on his way to Mike. He looked back at Buff and tried to make small talk. _ _

_ _“Hey,” he started, nodding toward Buff. “Noah seems really excited tonight, huh?” _ _

_ _Buff sat back, crossing his ankle over his knee, stretching his tight jeans just a little more. “Sure. He’s such a gleeful fellow. Not sure I could put up with that for long.” He looked Mike up and down, taking in a quick account of his open flannel and tousled hair before he looked toward the kitchen. “So I heard you and Chaz got back together.” He shook his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about what went on while you were apart. Did you really give him up for a boss?” He rolled his eyes at the idea of Mike Shinoda dating Jason Wakefield - the mini version of the infamous owner of YRS, who was long gone now._ _

_ _Mike’s mouth dropped open in shock. What happened between him and Jason was a mistake. He knew that with more certainty than a lot of things in his life, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to defend Jason, despite it being none of Buff’s business. He narrowed his eyes at the other man. “All that matters is Chester and I are together, so whatever else you heard, you can just forget about it,” he huffed indignantly. _ _

_ _Buff didn’t have much experience talking to someone so guarded, and he instantly took it as a challenge. He cocked his eyebrow. “Okay. If you say so. I know Petey had fun with him in your absence.” _ _

_ _Instantly Mike’s hands clenched. “What?” He knew he’d heard the implication right, but it was hard for him to deal with the audacity of someone flat out stating something he knew was untrue about his boyfriend. “Chester would never do anything with that jerk.” All of the happy, sated feelings from the romp in the bedroom closet were gone as Mike glared at the Carnal Delights star. “It was only a few weeks. He would never do that,” he insisted._ _

_ _Buff had to hold back the grin of satisfaction. It was so easy to get under Mike’s skin. “Whatever you say. I’m just saying that’s not what I was told. Petey said they had a good time. A good _fucking_ time, right there.” He pointed toward the closed bedroom door of Chester’s borrowed room. “Said they would have done it more times, but you came back to your senses first.” _ _

_ _Now Mike’s teeth were clenched along with his fists. “I don’t care what he said. He did not _fuck_ my boyfriend, in there or anywhere else.” His eyes cut over to Chester, who was on his way over with a small plate of cheesy crackers. Mike wanted to get up and move, but he didn’t need to. With a shrug and a wink, Buff got up from the couch, nodding to Chester on his way to greet someone else Mike didn’t know._ _

_ _Mike watched him for just a moment until Chester stopped in front of him, reaching down to cup his cheek in one hand. As he looked up into Chester’s eyes Mike knew, all the way through his soul, that there had been nobody else for Chester when they had been apart. He hated that he couldn’t say the same. “Hey, babe,” he managed with a half smile. “You’re too popular tonight, with your famous cheese spread.” _ _

_ _“It’s a crowd pleaser,” Chester said happily. “I brought a whole plate of them just for you. Is there room on your lap for me?” He batted his eyes and made a kissy face at his boyfriend before doing a half turn to show off his small ass. _ _

_ _“There’s always room for you,” Mike answered immediately, reaching up to guide Chester down. He pulled his boyfriend into his lap by the belt loops and snuck one hand up under the back of his shirt to touch the soft skin of his back and side. “I want to keep you with me all night,” he whined suddenly, wary of being left alone to fend off more unwelcome questions and innuendos. “Right here.”_ _

_ _Chester leaned against Mike’s chest as he kept the plate of crackers balanced. He plopped a kiss to Mike’s cheek. “I’m all yours. I had to fight to keep your crackers though. People kept trying to grab them on the way over.” He pouted, sticking his lip ring way out, only because he knew it would make Mike smile. _ _

_ _The glint of light on Chester’s lip ring caught Mike’s eye instantly. He couldn’t help himself as he leaned close and caught Chester’s pouty lip for a soft kiss. Mike sucked gently on his boyfriend’s lower lip for a moment, not caring if anyone was watching them. He let his fingers tighten into Chester’s side possessively before he pulled away. “You did a good job protecting them, babe. You’re the best at feeding me,” he praised._ _

_ _“I’ve had a lot of practice,” Chester answered as he picked up a cracker to feed Mike. He watched as his boyfriend closed his eyes and took the whole cracker into his mouth, making his cheeks puff out a little. It sent a giddy feeling across Chester’s stomach. “Are they good?” _ _

_ _“Mmmm,” Mike agreed, nodding with his eyes closed as he chewed the first cracker. He swallowed and peeked at Chester. “So good,” he husked, and he didn’t just mean the cheesy cracker. He bit his bottom lip and looked at Chester through his lashes, hoping his lover would feed him more. _ _

_ _****_ _

_ _TBC_ _


	47. Rum and Blood

Across the room, Ryan had managed his way in. He was happy for Amir. He knew it was a huge step for his friend letting Noah officially move in. Ryan was pretty sure Noah was the first live-in boyfriend Amir had ever had. 

But the sight of Chester sitting on Mike’s lap, feeding him cheese and crackers, was one he had to roll his eyes at. A flood of thoughts wanted to wash over him, everything from how lucky Mike was that Chester forgave him to how if things hadn’t gone the way they did, he might have Jason standing with him now, holding his hand. 

Instead he was alone, and Ryan felt that reality as he looked around. Devon had Caleb, Chester had Mike, and now Amir had Noah. _Maybe I’m not meant to have anyone._ It was a hard thought, and suddenly the idea of taking off his leather jacket and staying for awhile was the last thing he wanted to do. He’d wish Amir and Noah a good start to their new adventure, stay ten more minutes, and then he’d sneak out. He was pretty sure no one would miss him. 

It was Amir who caught sight of Ryan first, hesitating in the hallway between the kitchen and living room. He hadn’t even taken off his jacket, and Amir knew he hadn’t been there long. He kissed Noah on the cheek and squeezed his hand, whispering in his ear, “I’m going to go say hi to Ryan. You coming? Or do you want to mingle a little more?” 

Noah’s instinct was to go along, to say hi to Ryan. _After all, he’s my friend, too._ But that happy idea was crushed the moment he saw Ryan’s long, unshaven face and brooding look. “You go ahead,” he told Amir instead, figuring maybe Ryan would want to talk in private for a few minutes. “I’ll come over and say hi in a minute.” 

“Don’t be too long, Peaches,” Amir said, leaving Noah’s side for the first time that evening. He was in Ryan’s space in a few quick strides, reaching out to clap a hand to his friend’s shoulder. “Glad you made it,” he offered, following Ryan’s hollow gaze over to Mike and Chester. “Yeah, they’re kind of in their own world right now. But that’s fine. If all their drama starts to steal Noey’s thunder, I’ll have to kick them out.” He tried a half smile in Ryan’s direction, but Ryan didn’t smile back. “You want a drink?” he offered, hoping maybe Ryan just needed to loosen up a bit. 

A drink sounded nice, and Ryan said as much with a long sigh. He followed Amir through the small crowd to get to the wet bar that was just off the kitchen space. It included a cheesy 80s style mirror, with bottles of vodka, rum, tequila, and whisky lining the see-through shelves. It also afforded Ryan a clear mirrored view of Chester daintily sitting on Mike’s lap and stuffing a cracker into his face. “So they’re still having drama?” he asked Amir from the side of his mouth. “According to Chaz, they’re happier now than they’ve ever been. Go figure.”

“You know what I mean. Drama with the guys here. I know they’re itching to get the real story behind what happened with the two of them. It didn’t help that they were late to the party - despite the fact that Chaz lives here.” Amir rolled his eyes and looked at Ryan in the mirror. “At least Chaz can get himself together to be presentable around people. Mike still looks like he got laid in the last ten minutes. I mean, look at his hair.” He shot a withering glance to Mike’s messy head before assessing his own hair in the mirror. He turned his head and winked at himself. “My hair looks _great._” 

Ryan rubbed the side of his head. “God, I really need a fucking drink now,” he muttered. He didn’t want to think about why Chester was late for the party in his own house. Maybe one drink wouldn’t be enough to get through the evening before he could escape. “I want something with rum,” he stated, just as the tall guy at the wet bar turned around. Ryan recognized him immediately as Rob the pool guy from YRS. He wasn’t sure why he was surprised. He’d been at Amir’s birthday party, too. “Oh, hey, Rob,” Ryan said, before he eyed the bottle of dark spiced rum in Rob’s hand. 

Rob took a moment to look Ryan over, his interest sparking a bit as he met the other man’s blue eyes. “Hey,” he offered back, “it’s been a while, Ryan. How are you?” He waved the bottle of rum that had caught Ryan’s attention. “Want me to make you a drink?” 

“I’d love one.” Ryan nodded toward the stack of sodas that were lined up on the bar for mixed drinks. “Rum and Coke, if you’re taking orders.” He smiled, almost surprising himself when he caught a glimpse of it in the mirror. He was pretty sure it was the first time he’d smiled all day.

Without a word, Rob turned back to the wet bar, and Amir watched as the former YRS pool boy popped open a Coke for Ryan. He looked back and forth between them quickly, then back in the mirror at Chester and Mike. An uneasy feeling hit him suddenly. He pulled at Ryan’s elbow to bring him closer. “You’re okay, right?” he asked, aware that a lot had happened in a short amount of time, and Ryan’s scruffy appearance looked less a planned thought to be sexy and more a forgotten byproduct of him just not caring anymore. He wasn’t sure how Rob - who was known to be a bit of a player - and rum were going to mix in Ryan’s head tonight. 

Ryan slowly looked over at Amir’s concerned eyes. “I’m good,” he answered with half a shrug. “Going to have a drink and mingle. Be a good party guest.” He knew that was a lie, but he didn’t want to ruin Amir and Noah’s night. “Go be with your boyfriend, man. I’m fine.” His lips pulled into a genuine smile, even as everything stung. 

Reluctantly, Amir nodded. “Okay. Holler if you need anything.” He looked at Rob. “Easy, man,” he said, looking at the amount of rum in Ryan’s glass. “Save some for the rest of us.” 

Chester hadn’t even noticed Ryan crossing the room. His focus was squarely on Mike, and the little bubble they were currently in. “You’ve only got two more, Sexy Boy,” he cooed as he held another cracker up. “I’m charging you a kiss for this one.” 

“You can have all my kisses,” Mike whispered as he leaned close, kissing the side of Chester’s jaw up by his ear. “I didn’t get to kiss you in the closet. We can make up for that now.” He pulled back to look into Chester’s eyes, a suggestive smile on his face. The cheesy cracker could wait. 

Chester snorted. “I did plenty of kissing in that closet,” he teased, leaning in close. “Just not to your lips.” He opened his mouth, pressing his lip ring against Mike’s cheek and slowly dragging it back toward his hairline before ending it with a wet smooch. 

A shiver hit MIke’s spine. He turned his face into Chester’s, putting his lips right next to his boyfriend’s ear. “Just thinking about where your lips _were_ is getting me all hot again, babe. We could ditch these crackers and go back to the closet,” he suggested, letting his breath tickle over Chester’s earlobe. He gave the soft skin of his boyfriend’s ear a little nibble and a lick, just for good measure. 

Chester shut his eyes, savoring the feel of his boyfriend’s warm breath. “Mmmmm, that is tempting,” he whispered. Thoughts of the two of them sneaking away to roll around with each other on the bed popping into his mind. “You’re making my jeans feel even tighter than they are.” He wiggled his ass, pressing himself a little further into Mike. 

Mike’s fingers curled into Chester’s skin and he sucked in a deep breath as his lover’s small ass rubbed against his covered cock. “If I’d known what kind of response me talking about shoes was going to get out of you, I’d have learned more about shoes sooner. I’d have a whole dissertation written about shoes and closets and ketchup. All the things that turn you on.” He kissed a few pecks down Chester’s neck, not giving a single thought to the other people in the room. “I want to be the expert in all the things that make you hot. Forget music. I want my doctorate in Chester Bennington.” 

There were a couple words in there that Chester wasn’t quite sure of, but he didn’t care. The message got across. It was time to ditch the crackers. He looked away from Mike, just long enough to spot someone he kind of knew passing by them. “Here, take these,” he told the guy in the cheap looking button up shirt that Chester knew was a Score knockoff. He only waited half a beat, just long enough to make sure the guy was going to keep the plate of two cheesy crackers before his full attention was back on Mike. 

Chester wrapped his arms around his lover’s neck as he scooted and flung one leg to Mike’s side, and then the other, so he was properly straddling his lap. “There, that’s better.” He gazed down into Mike’s dark eyes. “Now I can see you.” He leaned in, pushing their lips together as he rocked his hips forward, his knees pressing into the leather chair. 

Mike’s hands went right to Chester’s ass. He held him close as they kissed, tight and hot against each other. He felt Chester’s fingers as they shoved up into his hair, and he tilted his chin a little to get more access to Chester’s mouth. He loved that lip ring and Chester’s tongue, his _tongue_ that had started everything that evening. By the time the kiss broke, he was on his way to being fully hard again, and it hit him that they were making out in the middle of Amir’s living room. “Ches,” he whispered, pecking kisses across his lover’s cheek and back to his ear, “we’re being too naughty right now.” 

Chester’s mind had tuned out everything but Mike, and the familiar song that was drifting across the apartment. It was sensual, and it had Chester’s hips moving with the rhythm. It took a moment for Mike’s words to resonate. He pulled back, his lips parted. He could feel the heat in his cheeks, and in his pants. He had a fistful of Mike’s hair, and the nails of his other hand dug into the back of the chair. He didn’t want to stop. “Too naughty?” he asked in the lowest whisper, trying to make sense of the comment.

“It’s not too naughty if you don’t mind me dragging you back to the bedroom,” Mike panted. He was serious. It would not make him sad to ditch the party and get Chester naked again. He pulled Chester into him as he lifted his hips off the chair just enough to get a good bit of friction. Mike’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip to keep back the moan that wanted to come out. All he wanted was a “yes” from his boyfriend, and the party would be nothing but a distant thought.

Chester didn’t bother holding in his moan. The moment Mike pulled him down, their sensitive areas pressing together through their denims, it was instant. Chester’s head went back, the moan came out, and he tightened his grip on the chair. “The bedroom is really far,” he said, his head rolling like he was already in a state of drunken bliss. “Sexxxxy Boy.” He leaned his forehead against Mike’s with a smirk. “Fuck. Guess we better stop then.” 

Mike stopped as soon as Chester uttered the word, and he knew it was the right thing to do. He just didn’t want to stop. He blew out a breath and forced himself to think of anything other than the sensation of Chester’s tongue and the very private place it had been just an hour ago. “Fine,” he mumbled through his gritted teeth. “I can stop,” he assured himself, though he wasn’t sure. 

Chester was ready to say something to tease his lover, to kiss him again and suggest breathing techniques, right before he looked up. He wasn’t sure why it was a shock to see the entire room staring at them. He could suddenly feel dozens of eyes locked on his flushed cheeks and dilated pupils. “Ooops,” he whispered, before glancing down at Mike. “Kinda forgot we had an audience.” He pressed a quick last kiss to Mike’s cheek before he added, “Sorry, Sexy Boy,” and eased himself off of Mike’s lap to sit on the wide arm of the chair instead. 

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Mike whispered, smoothing his hand over Chester’s shirt and patting it down. He purposely didn’t look around the room, though he felt his cheeks were heated. It took everything in him not to reach down and adjust himself. He was just going to have to be uncomfortable until he calmed down. 

From somewhere among the guests, Chester heard someone shout, “Go, Charlie Bang!” and Chester rolled his eyes with a huff. “People need to get over that,” he half said to Mike and half said to the air, loud enough for people around them to hear. “Charlie Bang doesn’t exist anymore.” His moxy was up. His body was turned on, and he hated that people were watching, even though he knew it was his own fault for starting something in front of Amir’s guests. “People need a life,” he muttered from his spot on the arm of the chair, just before he spotted Ryan. 

Chester’s fierce bravery came to an abrupt aboutface. Ryan was looking at him with the saddest expression Chester had seen in awhile. His heart sank a little when he saw Ryan tip back his drink and then look away. _I didn’t even see him come in. I’m being a rotten friend. He looks awful._ He looked back at Mike for a second, recognizing all the signs of arousal on his boyfriend, and Mike’s messy hair only added to the whole picture that screamed _satisfied and in love._

Normally that would be a boost to Chester’s entire being, but at the moment he knew that making out in front of Ryan was a selfish thing to do, even though Chester hadn’t realized his friend was there. Somehow that made it even worse. “Hey,” he said in Mike’s direction, catching his lover’s dark eyes. “I’m going to go over and say hi to Ryan. I didn’t even see him come in. He looks terrible.” 

Mike took a deep breath. In the past few weeks he’d become more accustomed to sharing Chester with Ryan and not feeling threatened. But this was the first time he’d been in such a state with his boyfriend turned on, too. He knew it was critically important to their relationship to be okay with Chester peeling himself away from his side for a moment. Mike nodded and let his hand drop away from Chester’s shirt. “I’ll miss you while you’re gone,” he said simply, making it clear he was okay with Chester going to Ryan. 

“I won’t be gone long, Sexy Boy.” Chester leaned down, careful not to lose his balance, and pecked a kiss to Mike’s cheek before he got up. It was a silent relief that Mike didn’t even put up a fuss over them separating for a few minutes, and that felt good. He straightened out his shirt, and tugged on the top of his jeans, adjusting everything discreetly. His cock was already mostly deflated, the sad sight of Ryan having put an instant damper on all things fun and sexy. 

He crossed the space, and had to call Ryan’s name to get the other man to turn and look at him. Chester could see hopelessness behind his friend’s light blue eyes, the spark of life that was usually there dimmed to the point of something painful. 

“Hey, Chaz,” Ryan offered while Rob worked on making him a second drink. “Looks like it’s a hell of a party already.” 

Chester knew that comment was directed at him, not the gathering for Amir and Noah’s big step. “Yeah, it’s okay. Did you try the cheese and crackers yet?” Chester asked. He wasn’t going to take anything personally. Not when Ryan looked like he’d already been drinking too much lately. 

Ryan shrugged. “I just got here. You look great,” he said, coasting his eyes up and down Chester’s familiar shape. “It’s nice to see you…it’s been a few days.” His words weren’t slurred, but slowed. Despite his one rum and Coke so far, the drink had been strong and Ryan was already feeling it on his empty stomach. 

“It has. We’re back up to Oxnard next week, remember. That’s always fun.” Chester was trying to be encouraging, but he could feel a sort of wall between him and Ryan. Like their usual feel-good banter and playfulness had been locked out. 

Chester took a step closer, his hand reaching out to lightly cup the arm of Ryan’s leather jacket. “Ry, are you okay?” 

In that moment - in those few seconds that Chester was close and concerned and focused on just him - Ryan wanted to admit that he wasn’t okay. Ever since he’d gotten back from Seattle, he’d been down. Low. He’d been drinking too much, and thinking even more. The hours and days had piled up on him, leaving him in a pit of despair over choices made and love lost. Over crushed hearts and the feeling of simply being unwanted. In that moment he wanted to fall into Chester Bennington’s arms, the way he’d done so many times over the last handful of years. He wanted to hold him close. He wanted them to lay down together in Chester’s bed, to have the physical comfort of Chester’s body next to him as he poured out his thoughts to his friend. 

But that wasn’t going to happen. 

That couldn’t happen. 

Not anymore. 

Ryan’s tired eyes flipped over Chester’s shoulder to see Mike watching them closely. He was surprised the other man was keeping his distance. Surprised, but happy on another level. For once Mike wasn’t hovering over Chester like a pesty, needy boyfriend, and instead was giving him room to breathe. _But not like at the skating party. He sat back and was only watching then, too, but not like this. He didn’t care back then. He didn’t care because he was getting involved with Jay. With MY boyfriend._ Ryan tilted his head. He knew his gaze was lasting longer than it should, especially when he heard Rob’s voice, telling him his drink was ready. It was a hard effort to pull his head back into the present. A present that included Mike Shinoda treating Chester the right way for once. 

“I’m fine,” he finally told Chester with a soft smile. He leaned in, and gingerly plopped a short kiss to Chester’s warm cheek. “Don’t worry about me, Chazzy. I’m good. And I’m definitely going to try your cheese and crackers.” 

He leaned back, and made eye contact with Chester, the two of them exchanging an unspoken understanding that for tonight, anyway, Ryan’s state of being was off the table. If a discussion was going to happen, it would be in another place, at another time.

Chester looked from Ryan to Rob, and the two drinks that were in his hand. He knew one of those was for Ryan. “Hi, Rob,” Chester offered, more as a polite afterthought than anything else. “If you’re bartending, I’ll take one of those.” He glanced over his shoulder at his boyfriend. “And a cherry Sprite with a vodka twist in it for Mike.” He nodded toward his boyfriend. 

“Sure,” Rob agreed easily, quickly mixing the requested drinks so he could get back to flirting with Ryan. Or trying to flirt with Ryan. It was easy to see that Ryan was struggling, and Rob had to assume it was all over what he’d heard about Jason leaving him. He handed Chester the drinks, glancing over at Mike still sitting on the chair. _He must be a beast in bed. Chaz is back with him and Jason Wakefield wanted him, too. I’d like some of that action._ Those thoughts weren’t important now, though, not with an opportunity with Ryan Shuck in front of him. He smiled at Chester. “Here you go.” Rob didn’t wait for Chester to respond before he turned back to Ryan. 

He’d always found Ryan attractive. More than once while he was working, cleaning the pool at YRS, he’d snuck peeks at Ryan. Thoughts of the former YRS star’s lean body, his tattoos and muscles, were exciting. “Why don’t we go somewhere we can talk more?” he said, leaning close to Ryan’s ear. Rob wanted to touch his face, feel the scruffy facial hair that looked so good on him. “I’ve always wanted to hear about your tattoos. I remember how _hot_ they look.” He let his lips barely graze over Ryan’s earlobe, his breath warm as he husked the word _hot_. 

_ _The invitation to go off with Rob and talk took Ryan by surprise. He felt stunned as he tried to marry the idea of the YRS pool boy and a conversation about tattoos together. As far as he knew, Rob had zero bodyart. _And I’m not sure I’ve ever actually had a real conversation with him before.__ _

_ _He searched his brain, his foggy memory pulling up a few interactions with Rob, all of which involved Chester, the two of them standing together to chit-chat with the pool boy over things like the weather and what happened to the red pool ball they liked the best. _Chaz was always friendly with him. Chazzy’s friendly with everyone though._ _ _

_ _Ryan drifted his gaze back over to Chester, who was still standing in their small circle, despite having both drinks he’d asked for in hand. It brought a warm feeling to Ryan’s troubled mind. Despite it all, Chester was hanging around to make sure Ryan was okay. He was there to play defense if Rob’s invitation was unwanted, and Ryan appreciated that to the depths of his soul. Chester was loyal, and even though the dynamics of their friendship had undergone major changes lately, that part was still proving to be true. He could count on Chester to stand by him. _ _

_ _“Sure,” Ryan finally told Rob with a brief smile before swinging his head Chester’s way. “Go on and take Mike his drink. We’ll catch up later, Chazzy.” He took a sip of his new rum and Coke before nodding for Rob to follow him. He knew Amir’s apartment well, and it looked like the landing over by the steps to the upstairs was free of people. They could sit on the carpeted stairs and Ryan could show off his tattoos. It wasn’t the same as having a boyfriend to pass the hours with, but it sounded like a good option for the moment. It felt nice to have someone _wanting_ his company for a change._ _

_ _Chester watched as Ryan led the way over to the floating staircase. The two of them sat down, and Chester stared while Ryan took off his leather jacket and folded it over his legs before he started pointing and pressing fingers to the black and gray art that covered his arms. _ _

_ _It looked innocent enough, Chester supposed, but it was odd to see Ryan sitting with Rob. Rob who didn’t have the best reputation. It was a little troublesome as he finally made it back to Mike. He handed off the cherry Sprite with vodka before he sat back down on Mike’s lap. He didn’t ask permission, and there was zero foreplay involved this time. “Do you see that?” he asked, nodding his head toward the floating staircase. “I’m not sure how I feel about that...he’s so sad.” Chester turned to look at his boyfriend’s warm eyes and face. “He told me he’s okay, but I don’t think he is. And now he’s sitting with Rob.” _ _

_ _A guilty pang hit Mike’s stomach. He looked over at Ryan and Rob as he took a small sip of the drink and made a face. He didn’t drink a lot of hard liquor, and the cherry flavoring only covered so much of the strong vodka taste. He’d never drank much at all, except for the wine he’d become fond of when he shared it with Jason. _Jason._ Mike hated that Jason had crept into his thoughts twice tonight, once because of Buff, this time because of the guilt over what he’d done. _He does look sad. I never thought it would go like this. I never thought any of us would end up alone.__ _

_ _He snaked an arm around Chester’s waist and kissed his face. “He’ll be okay,” Mike tried to reassure his boyfriend. “Rob always seemed like a nice enough guy.” He hadn’t spent a lot of time around Rob, but it all looked harmless enough. The two of them were sitting together in plain sight, and Mike knew Chester would be keeping an eye on Ryan for the rest of the night. _ _

_ _Chester sipped his drink. Rob had made it strong, and already he could feel the rush of the alcohol hitting his system. “He’s nice,” he agreed, keeping his voice just between him and Mike. “As far as being a person goes. But he’s also kind of a player. He’s been around. He’s more of a party person. Not this kind of party,” he clarified as he flipped his hand through the air. “This is like a Disney party compared to the real down and dirty parties that come along with the world of porn. I know Rob’s been to a lot of them.” _ _

_ _He dropped his eyes to the dark liquid in his glass. “Ry’s never been like that. Even when he was with Carnal Delights, he told me he never really went to their _festivities_. He called them gritty.” Chester shivered. His friend hadn’t gone into detail over what that word meant, but Chester could imagine plenty. There was a darker side of the business that involved drugs and alcohol and group sex outside of the safe environment of filming and production. It was a side that YRS respectively stayed out of. It was part of what made them the classy act in town. _ _

_ _But YRS wasn’t around to hold that standard anymore. _ _

_ _Chester made a face as he watched Rob pet over Ryan’s arm. _Jay would flip his shit if he saw that. If he saw Ryan being petted on by Rob...or Ry getting involved in any of the Carnal Delights crap they do._ _ _

_ _The thought was instinctual, a leftover from the years of being around Jason and Ryan as a couple, until reality hit Chester’s brain. _No he wouldn’t. He probably wouldn’t even care._ It was a much more somber thought, and Chester dove back into his drink, gulping down more at once than he should have._ _

_ _Mike looked back over at Ryan and Rob and tried one more tentative sip of his drink before he cleared his throat. “Gritty,” he repeated with his voice dripping with derision. “I had no idea Rob was into that stuff.” Mike’s entire attitude toward the other man had changed in an instant. He knew he was being judgy, but unsafe group sex and drugs was not a world he wanted to be part of, and even though Ryan wasn’t his favorite person, he was important to Chester. “We’ll keep an eye on Ryan, okay?”_ _

_ _He shifted and handed Chester his drink. “Here, babe. This is way too strong. I need to go to the bathroom. Will you pour it out for me? And maybe be sweet and make me some more cheese crackers?” He gave his best puppy eyes to his boyfriend. _ _

_ _With both drinks in his hands, Chester managed his way off of Mike’s lap. His head spun a little as he moved, but he kept his footing with only a little stumble. “Hurry back,” he told his boyfriend with a sappy smile before he headed for the kitchen. He took the last few drinks from his own glass as he went. By the time he was putting the empty tumbler in the dishwasher, his body was light with alcohol. _ _

_ _He turned around, resting his butt against the counter as he held Mike’s cherry Sprite and vodka close to his lips. His concentration was across the room as he stared at Ryan and Rob. _Ryan’s never said anything about Rob. All those years we knew him… kinda knew him, he never made one comment about him. Not about liking him or thinking he was cute. Nothing._ _ _

_ _Chester sipped the drink. _Jason should fucking be here. If he was here, Ry wouldn’t be sitting with that guy or letting that guy touch him. God, Ry, you can do better...he’s not a good guy._ He took another drink right before he saw the two men lean their heads together in what he knew was a kiss. _Fuuuuuuck.__ _

_ _Chester turned away. He downed a few huge gulps of the vodka soda, and a second later he was holding onto the counter for balance. “Fuck meee, I, I need to stop.” His words were louder than he’d meant, and they were slurred worse than Chester could comprehend as the two strong drinks attacked his system at once. His head spun, and his stomach rolled. His eyes fluttered as he tried to keep the floor under his feet. _ _

_ _It was in that state that he suddenly felt a hand on his ass. In his haze, he thought it was Mike. He leaned back as the hand snaked around to the front of his jeans, groping him in the most unashamed way. _ _

_ _“Why yes, I would love to _fuck you_,” Petey Sly hummed into Chester’s ear as he held the smaller man up against him - one hand firmly on Chester’s hip, the other over his crotch as he pressed and squeezed, trying to feel as much as he could. _ _

_ _The unfamiliar voice rang in Chester’s ears. “Hey, fucking get off of me!” Chester wrenched himself out of Petey’s greedy hands and spun around. The other man was right up on him, and Chester was trying not to lose his balance, his intoxication apparent. “Don’t touch me,” he ordered, his voice floating between stern and high-pitched from the alcohol. His body was warm - on its way to hot - and the rush of memory from the last time Petey Sly had been so close hit him. That same groping hand had tried to have its way with him then, too. He recalled the unwelcome touch and forced kiss that he’d kept secret from Mike. _ _

_ _Petey put his hands up. “Don’t get so feisty, Chaz,” he said before he stepped back and smoothed his hands down his purple button up shirt. “I saw your cute ass in here all alone, and figured I’d say hi. See how you’re doing. I can tell you’ve had a few drinks.” _ _

_ _“I’ve been drinking,” Chester affirmed, one hand going to his chest. “And whatever you’re thinking, Petey, it’s not happening.” He tried to slash his hand through the air, but it came off silly, and Chester giggled, just before he spotted Ryan and Rob over Petey’s shoulder. The two were off the steps and halfway to the door. _They’re leaving! Ry’s leaving with that guy!_ _ _

_ _Chester went to follow, trying to push past Petey Sly in the process, but the other man was bigger, and it was almost like hitting a wall. A wall with pink hair and a hideous shirt that made Chester’s eyes hurt. _ _

_ _Petey smiled at Chester’s slurred voice, his flushed cheeks, and the way he was trying to get around him, but failing miserably. Petey took the opportunity to move closer, putting himself right back in Chester’s bubble of personal space. “Where are you going?” he asked, grabbing Chester’s arm. _ _

_ _“Ry’s leaving,” Chester whined as he tried to pull away, but Petey wasn’t letting him go. _ _

_ _“Let him leave. Besides, we’re talking. Why haven’t you called me? I see you’re off your crutches.” Petey glanced over his shoulder, but there was no sign of Ryan Shuck. He fixed his attention back on Chester with more confidence. He raised Chester’s arm, and kissed his red and blue flames. “We can get out of here, too. Come on, we’ll go have some real fun this time.” _ _

_ _Despite his head spinning, Chester managed to yank his arm away. Just the feel of Petey’s lips on his skin was revolting. “Don’t fucking kiss me,” he said, his alcohol rushed brain trying to keep track of what was happening. Ryan was gone, and Petey wasn’t moving. “We’re not going anywhere, Petey,” he said, trying to sound bigger than he was. “Me and Mike are back together. He’s my boyfriend again. He’s here, and will probably be looking for me any minute.”_ _

_ _Petey narrowed his eyes as he leaned back a little. He’d only been at the party for a few minutes, and he hadn’t seen Mike Shinoda anywhere. “You actually took him back?” he asked doubtfully. He’d heard rumors that said as much, but Chester was drunk and alone at a party. That didn’t equal being back with Mike. “I’m not sure I believe you. Why would you take him back anyway? The guy cheats on you, and you take him back. I really thought you had more self-respect than that, Chaz.” _ _

_ _“I do,” Chester tried to defend. “I mean I did take him back. I did because I love him...and he loves me. He loves me,” he clarified with a forceful head nod._ _

_ _Petey laughed. “That’s rich. _He loves you_,” he mocked. “Sure. But for how long? How long is he going to _love you_ this time? Come on, Chaz, drop that loser. You’re so much hotter than him, and you can do so much better. You’re just out of practice. I can help you remember what it’s like to really live. I wouldn’t leave you drunk and alone at a party, like he has.” _ _

_ _“I’m not alone,” Chester stated. “He’s coming right back and -” Before Chester could get the rest of his explanation out, Petey was up against him. Chester felt Petey’s hand on his stomach, and then lower as he tried to force it down the front of his jeans, grabbing at the red starry belt to get it undone. Chester gasped at the abrasive move just as he felt Petey’s wet lips on his face as he tried to get a kiss. “Fucking don’t!” Chester protested again. He shoved Petey on the chest as he tried to wiggle away. _ _

_ _“Where are you going?” Petey asked, ready to keep Chester corned for just a few minutes more. Amir’s apartment was crowded, and with everyone talking and mingling, he was pretty sure no one was paying them attention. _Ryan’s gone, and Mike probably isn’t even here._ “I just want to talk. I’ll keep my hands to myself, if you insist.” He flashed Chester a smile. “Besides, it seems like this so-called _boyfriend_ of yours is busy doing other things. He’s probably chatting up my co-workers right now, if he’s actually here.” _ _

_ _“He is not! You take that back! He loves me! He promised!” Chester was flushed with emotions as he shoved on Petey again. He wanted him to leave. He wanted out of the kitchen. He wanted to get to Mike. “Fucking get off of me!” _ _

_ _“You fucking want me and you know it,” Petey growled back as he grabbed Chesters arms, holding him against the counter. “Don’t be a tease, Chaz,” he husked into the smaller man’s ear. _ _

_ _

_ _Chester felt a blast of pain shoot through his arms and shoulders, and then Petey’s hand was back on his jeans. His heart was pounding. Despite all the alcohol, his flight or fight instincts were there. “Stop touching me you, asshole!” He got one hand free from where Petey had pinned him to the counter. He clawed at the front of Petey’s shirt, popping off the top three buttons and scratching his exposed chest. _ _

_ _“You want it rough?” Petey asked, and he was only half joking. He’d heard the rumors. Chester Bennington was into some kinky stuff. “I’ll give it to you that way.” He grabbed Chester again, but Chester shoved back hard, like it was a fight, not foreplay. It was physical enough to get Petey really going, ready for the challenge of getting _Charlie Bang_ under control. _ _

_ _He took Chester by the middle, and flung him around, ready to get behind him so he could really dominate what was happening. It didn’t go as smoothly as he figured. There was an elbow, and a tangled mess of limbs as they scuffled. He heard Chester howl and cuss, and Petey got just a glimpse of blood on Chester’s lip. He didn’t mean to do that! “Woah, Chaz,” he said, ready to go back to sweet talk in a hurry. _ _

_ _Mike stepped from the bathroom to the chaos of party guests rushing toward the kitchen. He heard Devon call out something, saw Caleb and Amir behind him, and then he heard Chester. Mike knew every sound that came from his boyfriend, whether it was pleasure or pain, and he went straight for the kitchen when he heard the cry of pain from his lover. Everyone was circled around whatever was happening, and Mike pushed his way up to the front, where Chester was holding a hand to his mouth and Petey Sly was standing close to him. “Get away from him,” Mike hissed, his protective nature baring its teeth. He was at Chester’s side in a second, stepping between him and Petey. “Ches? What happened?” he asked, not even looking at his boyfriend. Mike’s eyes were squarely on the Carnal Delights star, daring him to make a move toward Chester. The adrenaline was coursing through his veins, and Mike didn’t second guess himself. He shoved a hand into Petey’s chest with a deathly glare, though it didn’t even move the other man. “What did you do?” _ _

_ _Petey’s hands were up. “It was an accident. We were just fooling around.” _ _

_ _Chester’s lip was pulsing. He could feel the wet smear of blood already on his hand and it was now dripping onto his chin. “He wouldn’t keep his hands off me. You asshole!” he tried to shout, but whimpered back when it hurt. He turned around, and spit a blob of blood and saliva into the sink._ _

_ _“I didn’t _mean_ to hit you,” Petey was quick to say. _ _

_ _Mike didn’t even hear the murmurs of the party guests around him. He didn’t think about the fact that he was a guest at Amir’s, that it wasn’t his place to dictate who was and wasn’t allowed to be there. He heard Chester’s accusation, and Petey’s excuse, and he stared the other man down. “You need to leave. I don’t want you anywhere around Ches. Don’t think about touching him again.” _ _

_ _Petey’s white flag quickly turned to a balled fist. He was ready to tell Mike Shinoda exactly what he thought about him, and this whole situation, which was nothing more than a misunderstanding in his eyes. “Watch who you’re ordering around,” he told Mike, before flipping his eyes to Chester; he was still at the sink with Devon beside him now while they tried to clean his lip. “My elbow slipped,” he muttered, more like an afterthought than a full remark to Mike._ _

_ _“Regardless, Chaz is bleeding. Mike’s right. You need to go, Petey.” Amir was calm, but direct. He had a fierce loyalty toward Chester, toward all of his YRS co-workers, and that hadn’t changed just because they had gone their separate ways after Mark died. Everything they had been through together _because_ of Mark made them all close friends, and if there was one thing he couldn’t stand, it was seeing any of his friends physically hurt. They’d all watched it happen in situations they had no control over. Now he was in control of his own space. It was his apartment, and despite his working relationship with the guys from Carnal Delights, it didn’t bother him to ask any of them to leave if they couldn’t control themselves. Amir patted Noah’s side in reassurance before he stepped toward Petey. “Come on. I’ll see you out.” _ _

_ _“Oh, come on!” Petey protested, jerking his arm away from Amir’s light touch. “He’s fine,” he stated, pointing right at Chester, who was now holding his lip under cool water. _ _

_ _“Yeah, he’s fine alright, after you groped him half a dozen times,” Devon shot back with a glare. “Amir’s right. Get the hell out.” His attention was right back on Chester as Caleb joined them at the sink to try and be helpful. There was a lot of blood for one little lip._ _

_ _Mike glanced back over at Chester, the sight of his blood spiking his own blood pressure. He was barely able to restrain himself from smacking Petey across the face so he could see how it felt. How not fine Chester was. “It’s Amir’s place and he wants you out. It’s time for you to go,” Mike added into the conversation smugly. He was grateful Amir wasn’t going to tolerate this kind of behavior and he took a few steps behind Amir, keeping Chester in his sight._ _

_ _This time, Amir didn’t go for the nice touch, the suggestion to move. He grabbed Petey by the elbow and tugged at him. “It’s Noah’s night, and you’re ruining it. Out you go.” He felt Mike close behind him and hoped that together they could herd Petey out. It was a moment he was used to having Ryan around for backup, but Ryan was nowhere to be found. _ _

_ _Before they got to the door, Petey jerked away and spun around. “Fine,” he told Amir, not sparing Mike the courtesy of an annoyed look. “I’m leaving. But this is stupid. We were just goofing off and it was an accident.” He looked over Amir’s shoulder toward the kitchen, but he couldn’t see Chester anymore. The crowd had gone quiet, and Petey could hear the sink was still running. “I didn’t mean for that to happen,” he stated again as he looked back at Amir. “Come on, man, you’re with us now,” he insisted, his hand on his chest, right over the scratch mark Chester had left on him, which was quickly turning puffy and red. “Right, guys?” Petey asked, suddenly looking around at his co-workers, who outnumbered the former YRS stars three to one. _ _

_ _“Doesn’t matter what you _meant_ to have happen,” Mike spit. “You had no business being that close to Chester.”_ _

_ _Amir nodded. “When someone tells you no, that’s it. And no, I’m not _with you_ now. You’re work, and that’s it. I’m not friends with anyone who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word no.” He opened the door and Mike stopped next to him, waiting. They both looked at Petey Sly together, the same look of distrust and distaste on their faces. _ _

_ _In the kitchen Devon turned the water off just in time to hear Mike and Amir, the tone in their voices putting him on alert. Noah was standing a few feet away, his young face white, despite all his freckles. Devon was pretty sure he was shaking. “Noah,” Devon called quickly. “Come here and stay with Chaz, get him some ice for his lip,” he instructed before he motioned for Caleb to follow him out to stand with the others. They were met with the back of the crowd, with Mike and Amir up front, the apartment door open. Devon had caught just enough of what was being said to add in his two cents, backing up his former co-workers. _ _

_ _Petey glared at the back of the room, before switching his attention to Mike. He closed the space between them in one long stride. His finger went right to Mike’s chest. “You have a big mouth for someone who shouldn’t even be here. You’re not even on the YRS site anymore, so what kind of loyalty is that? You little boss-fucker.”_ _

_ _Mike took a step back, but before he could say anything, Amir was right back in Petey’s face. “I’ve been nice about it, but now you’re just being a dick. Get out. None of that is your business at all. You act like you know what happened but you don’t know shit. None of you do.” He looked around at the guys he worked with now, and it wasn’t the first time he noticed how different they were from his YRS coworkers. His friends. And despite all that had gone wrong with Jason and Mike, how Ryan and Chester had suffered because of their choices, it burned Amir up to hear Petey shame Mike in front of everyone. “Not one of you knows anything that went on there, so don’t act all high and mighty.” _ _

_ _“Fuck you, Amir,” Petey spit before he turned and stomped out the front door. He was over all of it. If he never saw another YRS star again, he’d be just fine. Unless, of course, Chester came up single again. _ _

_ _A handful of others followed him, grumbling as they went. Some of them with beers in their hands, and some with less than nice remarks under their breath as they walked by Amir and Mike to leave. _ _

_ _It was Buff who stopped in front of Amir, his tall build towering over them both. “You know, you can’t have it both ways,” he said in his deeper voice. He glanced at Mike, and then over at Devon and Caleb, who were mere feet away now. “Either you’re with us, or you’re with them.” It was a line that Amir had danced around ever since he’d joined on at Carnal Delights, and Buff was ready to see what his coworker was really made of. Was he going to do the smart thing and stay with the money - with the job that afforded his nice apartment and lifestyle. Or with the orphaned porn stars from YRS. _ _

_ _There wasn’t even a second’s hesitation on Amir’s part. “Always with these guys.” He’d never fit in with the Carnal Delights guys anyway, and once he knew things were serious with Noah, going to work had been difficult. It wasn’t going to bother him to cut those ties, and after the way things had gone tonight, he didn’t care to wait any longer. “Don’t worry about it, Buff. You guys didn’t make it long enough tonight to hear my other announcement. I’m not coming back.” He looked at the YRS guys who were left in the room, and spied his boyfriend, who was standing near the kitchen with his arm around Chester. His eyes met Noah’s and he smiled. “I’m quitting the business. And tonight made it really easy. I’m not going back.” _ _

_ _Buff rolled his eyes. “Your loss,” he grumbled, before he stepped out, and heard the door slam right behind him. _ _

_ _Noah was pretty sure his heart had stopped. “Did you hear that?” he whispered, not so much to Chester, but to the air. He led the way across the room, quickly leaving Chester in the leather chair by the couch before he swooped into Amir’s arms. “Did you really just quit?” he asked, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe it. _ _

_ _“Yeah. I did,” Amir said, gathering Noah close to him. “Happy moving-in day, Peaches.” He kissed Noah’s cheek and squeezed him tightly. _ _

_ _Mike went straight for Chester, despite the happy scene unfolding in front of him. He knelt on the floor next to the chair and reached for his lover’s face. “Babe? Let me see. Are you okay?” There was an edge of hysteria in his voice now that the adrenaline had worn off from the whole confrontation with Petey. Chester had a small towel in his hand, holding ice over his lip, and Mike needed to see just how badly he’d been hurt. Being physically hurt was bad enough. Mike didn’t want to think of the emotional damage something like this might uncover. _ _

_ _“I’m alright,” Chester said, dropping his hand away from his lip. He could feel that it was swollen. He knew it would bruise. It was going to be one more accident he was going to have to stand in front of Forrest Mullan and explain. “He was just being a jerk. Does it look as bad as it feels?” _ _

_ _“No, it’s better than I expected,” Mike soothed, stroking his thumb over Chester’s cheek. “I wasn’t even in the bathroom that long. I’m sorry, Ches. I didn’t think anything like that would happen with all these people around.” He stopped, looking around at the party guests left, for the first time noticing that Ryan wasn’t anywhere to be found. _Ryan wouldn’t have let anything happen. Where did he go?__ _

_ _“Don’t even think like that,” Chester told him as he sat up a little straighter. His head was pounding and his stomach wasn’t doing the best either. “I was two seconds away from kneeing the guy in the nuts. I’m not on crutches anymore.” He shut his eyes as he tried to feel over his swollen bottom lip, but hissed at the touch instead. _ _

_ _“I know,” Mike said with a smile. “Oh, how I know you aren’t on crutches anymore.” He stood up and held out his hands for Chester to take. “Come on, party’s over. You should come lay down. I’ll take good care of you,” he added seriously. _ _

_ _Chester stood up, willingingly allowing his boyfriend to wrap an arm around his middle and guide him to his bedroom. “I’m sorry I messed up your party,” he called out to Amir and Noah, his voice horse. His shoulders sank a moment later, his body leaning harder into Mike. “My head hurts,” he mumbled. _ _

_ _Amir glanced Chester’s way. “You didn’t. Your cheese spread was awesome.” He left another kiss on Noah’s face and looked at his boyfriend’s excited face. “Noey, go let Devon and Caleb out, and I’ll meet you upstairs.” He winked and tapped Noah lightly on the ass. “Let me make sure Chaz is okay.”_ _

_ _Noah agreed quickly, plopping a kiss to Amir’s face. “I’ll be ready for you,” he promised before he rushed off to meet Devon and Caleb, who were picking up empty cups and beer bottles that had been left behind. The quicker he got them out the door, the faster he and Amir could go upstairs and really celebrate Amir’s departure from the world of porn. _ _

_ _Mike already had Chester in the bedroom and was guiding him over to the bed when Amir stopped in the doorway to watch. He saw Mike acknowledge he was standing there with a nod of his head, then pulled back the blankets and set Chester down on the edge. He watched Mike drop down to his knees again, untying each shoe and slipping them off, then unbuckling the red starry belt from Chester’s waist before making sure he laid down with his head on the pillow. He watched the way Mike helped undress Chester without it turning into anything but a simple task of making sure his boyfriend was comfortable. Amir couldn’t help but think of times they’d all done that at YRS, helping each other out when there had been too much to drink, or too much of Mark. They all cared about each other, even beyond the walls of work. It was the biggest difference between his friends and those he worked with at Carnal Delights. _Used to work with. I quit.__ _

_ _It was apparent when Mike stood up and tucked the blanket around Chester, telling him he’d be right back with a glass of water, that things between Mike and Chester were healing, if not already healed. Amir let him come over to the bedroom door before he said anything, and even then, he whispered so he wouldn’t disturb Chester. “His lip will be fine in the morning,” Amir said with the confidence of someone who had seen a few split lips in his time. _ _

_ _Mike nodded. “I hope so. He won’t like waking up to that. Or with a hangover. I didn’t think he had that much to drink, but Rob was making drinks, and they were really strong. I didn’t even drink the one he made me.”_ _

_ _Amir made a face at the thought of Rob. “Well, at least Chaz is gonna be okay. He’s got you here with him. I think Ryan left with Rob. Not sure how that’s gonna go.”_ _

_ _“Yeah, Chester was worrying about that.” Mike went around Amir into the kitchen for the glass of water he’d promised._ _

_ _“Ryan’s a big boy. I just hope he knows what he’s doing.” Amir thought about the way Ryan had looked earlier, and he wasn’t sure if things would be okay or not. He wished that things with Ryan and Jason had worked out the same way things had worked out with Mike and Chester. _Even if I was mad at Mike for a while. He seems to be doing everything right now. Better than right. He’s totally invested.__ _

_ _He looked around at the messy downstairs and decided it could all wait until tomorrow. “Well, I’m going up, unless you need anything else for Chaz. I assume you’re staying tonight?”_ _

_ _Mike nodded again. “If that’s okay. I hate leaving him when he’s hurt. Even if it’s a little thing. I want to be here if he needs me.”_ _

_ _Amir caught Mike’s eyes and gave him a genuine smile. “You’re fine.” He wasn’t going to get all sappy with Mike Shinoda, but deep down he was really happy things were working out for him and Chester. “I want you to know, Chaz is the happiest he’s been in a long time. I can tell. You’re really doing everything right this time, Mike. He really loves you.” _ _

_ _“Thanks, Amir.” Mike looked down at the water glass. He knew Amir had dealt with a lot when he’d cheated, and it felt good to hear that forgiveness wasn’t only coming from his boyfriend. “I want to do things right for him. I’m not going to mess us up again.” He heard Chester calling him from the bedroom, and Amir waved him off. “Good night,” he added, crossing the room again to get back to the bedroom where he’d left Chester for just a few minutes._ _

_ _The bedroom was dark, the only light coming in from the living room. Chester had sat back up, his hands fidgeting in his lap when Mike stepped in. “Ry left,” he announced, as he reached for the water that Mike was bringing to him. “I saw him leave with Rob. With Rob! I wanted to stop him, to talk to him first, and fucking Petey wouldn’t let me out of the kitchen. Why would he leave with Rob?” he asked, even though he was pretty sure why. He took a sip of water, the cool feeling stinging his lip and he winced. “Doing anything with Rob is just going to lead to bad places,” he mumbled before he dropped his head. _ _

_ _Mike pulled his flannel off and then his t-shirt, tossing them to the floor next to the bed. “I don’t know, babe.” He unbuttoned his jeans and in no time was down to boxers and climbing into bed next to Chester. “I didn’t see him leave. We should get some rest. I’m so tired, and I know you are, too. You can call Ryan in the morning.”_ _

_ _Chester knew his boyfriend was right. There was nothing to be done now, but rest and wait to see what the morning would bring. _If something goes really wrong, he’ll call me. I know he will._ Chester jerked around, spotting his jeans that Mike had folded and set on the dresser. He got up, his head spinning only slightly as he did. All the drama with Petey Sly and the eventual pain from getting his lip split open had sobered Chester up quite a bit. _ _

_ _He rummaged through the pockets of his jeans for his phone. There were no messages or missed calls from Ryan. “I’m going to leave my phone on, just in case something happens,” he told Mike as he slowly got back in bed, leaving his phone on the nightstand. He laid down, his body sliding in next to Mike’s, and exhaustion finally hit Chester like a sock full of pennies. He yawned, and wrapped an arm over Mike’s naked stomach, his eyes closing. “Sex in the closet was amazing. The party sucked. That’s my overview of our day,” he mumbled before he nuzzled his nose and cheek against Mike’s bearded jawline. He wanted to kiss his lover, but everything around his piercing was still sore. Kisses would have to wait. Chester let out a sigh. “I didn’t even get any cheese and crackers.”_ _

_ _“That sucks,” Mike agreed sleepily. “They were yummy.” He gently kissed the side of Chester’s face. “And I’ll meet you in the closet anytime, babe. Any time you want.” He pulled his lover close, settling in for the night. He wanted to sleep forever. “I love you. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll deal with it all tomorrow.”_ _

_ _Chester rolled to his side as Mike pulled him close, putting them into their normal sleeping position. He could feel Mike’s warm breath on his neck, and the familiar feeling was soothing. Chester shut his eyes, his body relaxing into Mike’s arms. “I love you, too,” he said just barely over a whisper. Normally it would be the worst moments of the day that would play across Chester’s mind, making his sleep uneasy throughout the night. It was often the road to nightmares or it would jarr him awake at two in the morning and he would be unable to fall back under into rest. But it wasn’t the moment in the kitchen with Petey Sly or the angry words that had happened afterwards that filled Chester’s head. It wasn’t even the sight of Ryan leaving with Rob or the drama over his busted lip. _ _

_ _Instead, the memory from the closet consumed Chester’s last conscious thoughts. Visions of Mike on all fours, and the two of them coming to orgasm almost in unison. The look on his boyfriend’s face - the exhausted but happy look - that had made Chester grin. “And there’s still cum on the floor in the closet,” he mumbled, right before sleep took him completely under. _ _

_ _****  
TBC_ _


	48. morning x 3

Saturday morning in Seattle was damp and dreary, and Jason had lingered in bed longer than he normally would have because Blue was snuggled up next to him, still sleeping. The kitten was growing fast, and the two of them had become very attached to each other the past six weeks. Jason gently touched the top of the kitten’s soft head with his free hand - his phone was in the other. He’d already looked through the stock information, then read a few articles, and he still wasn’t ready to get out of bed. 

His eyes drifted over to the wall of windows and what he could see of the water. _I don’t have any plans for today. I could just lay here with baby cat and do nothing. I can’t even remember the last day I did nothing._ Jason’s thoughts picked through memories, weekend days full of work and Mark, weekend nights sneaking around with Ryan. Afternoons in the loft with Mike. He went backwards, further and further, finally coming up with a day right after he married Mark when his husband was away and he’d been left behind. That was the last time he could remember staying in bed that wasn’t forced. 

Those memories of the days that passed after Mark physically abused him and he was hidden away in their bedroom used to be a catalyst for self deprecating thoughts that lasted all day, but he’d been working on that lately. It was getting a little easier every day to put those thoughts of his life with Mark away. Thoughts of Mike and the plans he’d made for them were easy to ignore, too, but every time his thoughts turned to Ryan, his heart ached. 

_We haven’t spoken once since he left with Mike. I know it’s because he hates me for what happened. I wish he’d stayed that night._

Jason rarely checked his social media now that he wasn’t running social media for YRS, but this morning, with Blue tucked into his side, he tapped his Instagram icon, bringing the app to life for the first time in weeks. The last time he’d been on Instagram he was deleting Chester and Mike, and though his finger had hovered over Ryan’s name, he couldn’t do it. Ryan didn’t post a lot, but Jason couldn’t give up access to the pictures that were there. This morning he scrolled down the feed slowly, hoping to catch a recent glimpse of his ex. A selfie maybe, something that showed Ryan was happy. 

But the first picture he saw wasn’t of Ryan. It was a group shot, a party at Amir’s, and Jason recognized every face in the shot. He scanned it looking for Ryan, disappointed to not see him, until he noticed the dots under the picture and he swiped left for the next picture as he looked at the caption. _Wow. Noah’s moving in with Amir. That’s crazy._ It was Noah’s photos he was flipping through, and he looked at the familiar faces of the YRS boys he’d filmed so many times and the Carnal Delights boys he couldn’t stand. 

Chester and Mike were in several of the shots, and Jason looked more at Chester’s face than Mike’s at first. It still stung him a little that Mike had left, though he’d come to understand it wasn’t about him. It never really was. It had always been about Chester, and what had been going wrong with the two of them. He’d just been in the wrong place at the right time, and Mike had never really wanted him, despite their friendship. Things seemed to be good with Chester and Mike, judging from the glow on Chester’s face, and the light on Mike’s. He looked truly happy in a way that Jason had really never seen. YRS had always colored Mike’s emotions, and even when things were good with Chester, Mike had never looked the way he looked in Noah’s photos. Relaxed. Satisfied. Happy. Just seeing that helped to close the cut on Jason’s wounded pride when it came to Mike Shinoda leaving him the way he had. If Mike and Chester were that happy, with everything else stripped away, why should it matter to him what had happened between him and Mike anymore?

The next picture was Noah and Amir, a selfie that it looked like Noah had taken. He looked at the picture, Noah’s smile so big his eyes were almost closed, and despite himself and all the other things he’d been thinking since he started looking at the pictures, Jason smiled back. And then he flipped to the next picture. 

Without thinking he sat up, jostling Blue awake. The kitten yawned and stretched her paws out in front of her as she arched her back and looked at Jason with annoyance. Jason’s eyes were focused on his phone. He didn’t even glance at Blue as she scooted over and curled up a few inches away. He held the screen closer and then zoomed in a little on Ryan, sitting close to…

“Rob? Is that Rob Bourdon?” Jason asked himself, trying to see better, but the other man sitting so close to his ex, one hand on Ryan’s forearm as he leaned in, was hard to see in the background of the picture of Amir’s bottom floor. Quickly he flipped to the next picture, another group shot, where he could clearly see Rob’s face, and then the last photo, where a stab of concern hit him. 

It looked like Ryan and Rob were kissing. _Kissing! I can’t believe Ry would ever be interested in someone like him!_ Jason studied the photo for a moment and looked at the date. _Last night. This was just last night. Ry… God, I hope you’re okay. Rob is a party boy. All that stuff Mark and I hated at YRS, he's totally into that scene._ He clicked off Instagram and immediately opened his text app, pulling up Ryan’s name. 

Their last text messages had been flirty, and his concern for Ryan doubled. He’d stopped trying to understand what had happened between Mike and Ryan in the seventeen hour drive that made Ryan unable to see past his mistakes. He remembered that last night they saw each other, when they’d said what felt like was a forever goodbye. _Maybe it was a forever goodbye. Maybe he’s dating already. But Rob? I don’t want Ry mixed up with all that._ Jason started a text to his ex-boyfriend, a simple inquiry to see how he was doing, but then couldn’t bring himself to press send. 

_If he wanted me to know how he was doing, he’d call. We were talking, until he came up here with Mike. Who knows what they talked about. Both of them are done with me, and that’s not a surprise. I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. So now I have Blue._ Jason looked over at his kitten, who was already fast asleep again, and he took her comfort as a sign that staying in bed was the right option for the day. He closed his unsent text message and put the phone on the nightstand. 

“We should move,” he whispered to the cat as he snuggled down next to her. “Since it’s you and me now, let’s go pick out something you’d like. Not Mike, not Mark, not even what Ry would want. How about what Jason wants?” Despite having lived on the houseboat only a few months, Jason was ready to admit that impulsive purchase had all been a bid to keep Mike, not necessarily what he wanted. “Maybe it’s time to do what Jason wants,” he decided, closing his eyes. “If Ry’s going to do what he wants, maybe it’s time for me to do what I want too.” With that in mind, Jason reached for his phone again, and deleted the unsent message before putting it back. There was no reason to hold on anymore, if Ryan was moving on. It was a sobering thought, and nothing less than what he knew he deserved.

****

The bedroom curtains were open, and the soft morning sunshine was filtering in. It was nothing like the blaring ball of light that used to invade the loft every morning. Instead it was a creeping glow that eased the borrowed room into the day, and Chester appreciated that, despite missing the ocean view and the air that came with it. 

He cracked his eyes open just a peek. Mike’s naked back was to him, the blanket leaving his shoulder out in the open. It was an instant sleepy smile on Chester’s face as he scooted over and spooned his lover from behind. So often when he woke up, their positions were reversed. Nine out of ten times, it would be Mike’s weight and comfort behind Chester, but this morning was different. 

He laced his arm under the blanket, smoothing his hand over Mike’s warm, bare stomach. He nuzzled his face close to his boyfriend’s neck. Chester wasn’t quite awake yet, and staying inside their lazy cocoon of blankets and body heat was enticing. “Mmmmm, Sexy Boy,” Chester whispered with his eyes closed. His body felt heavy, like actually getting up was out of the question. “I was dreaming,” he informed his boyfriend. It didn’t really matter if Mike was awake or asleep, Chester’s tongue was ready to talk. 

“I was dreaming about our house. You know, the one we’re going to have some day. We had the big closet, and all my clothes were in there. Yours were, too,” he said, his subconscious making sure the details weren’t left out. “We were on the floor making out and then we got hungry. But we didn’t want to leave the closet.” 

Chester smiled in his sleep, his hand lightly rubbing up and down Mike’s stomach in a lazy pattern. Up was the back of his hand, down was his nails, scratching ever so lightly. “So then we figured out the closet was magic and whatever we wanted to eat, we just had to say it and it appeared. You really loved that. You started saying the names of everything. Cheeseburgers, French fries, BBQ chips, ice cream, cheese enchiladas, pizza, grapes.” 

Chester’s eyebrows pinched. “I think you started to feel guilty about all the food and tried to be healthy or something because then you asked for carrots and they came out whole,” Chester laughed lightly, his eyes still closed as he recalled just how his dream had gone. “And we didn’t have a carrot peeler. And we asked for canned fruit, but we didn’t have a can opener. It got really crowded in the closet with all the food, and then there was no room to make out.” 

He let out a sigh, staying quiet for a moment as he let his hand spoil his boyfriend’s chest and stomach. “And then we wished for M&Ms and that was a disaster because it started to rain M&Ms! It really did!” He opened his eyes and picked his head up off the pillow, the memory hitting him a little sharper than the rest of the dream. “And I remember telling you, ‘thank god we didn’t wish for peanut M&Ms! They would really hurt!’” 

Chester rolled his eyes as he let his head fall back to the pillow. “Fuck, I must be crazy. Or really, really hungry.” He stayed silent, listening to the quiet of the room, the sound of his boyfriend breathing steadily. He carefully slid his tongue over his bottom lip, and he was relieved when it didn’t hurt. It didn’t even sting. He knew it was probably going to be a little bruised, but if that was all, he could live with that. He didn’t have to report back to Score until Wednesday, which meant he had days to heal up. 

Mike was slowly coming awake, his brain confused at the narrative going on behind him that involved all kinds of food. The first thing he heard - cheese enchiladas - had little to do with the last thing he’d heard - peanut M&M’s - and all Mike wanted was pancakes. “Noooo,” he mumbled into his pillow. “Just pancakes, Ches.” He could feel his boyfriend’s fingernails on his skin and the idea to just keep sleeping was definitely still there. But pancakes. He could wake up for that. 

Chester lifted his head again as he leaned over, trying to see if Mike’s eyes were open. They weren’t. “We didn’t have any pancakes in the closet,” he said, even as he searched the memory of his fading dream quickly. “Isn’t that weird? You would think dream you would have asked for them, but...no. Not even French toast!” He realized with a gasp. “We totally fucked it up.” 

“Oh, French toast.” Mike changed his mind instantly. He wanted French toast instead. He pointed his toes toward the bottom of the bed and stretched, feeling Chester’s hand move with him, before he rolled over and threw an arm and a leg over Chester’s body. “I love you,” he mumbled into Chester’s shoulder. “Do we have to get up now?” 

“No,” Chester answered, nuzzling his lips to Mike’s face for a soft kiss. “We can stay here. It’s Saturday. No work. Nowhere to go… well, until we decide to get up for food. And coffee. And to pee.” 

Mike groaned. In his experience, the moment Chester even thought about needing to pee, he’d have to go sooner rather than later. He didn’t want to move. Indulging his lover’s desire for closet sex the night before had left him completely exhausted, in the very best way. “I wish there was a kitchen fairy that could make us French toast and bring it to bed. That way nobody has to move. You’re so comfy.” Mike tightened his hold on Chester and kissed his shoulder. “You wore me out yesterday.” 

Chester would never turn down affection from his boyfriend. He let Mike kiss on his shoulder a little more as he smiled. “It’s in my memory as one of the best moments of my life.” He looked toward the open doors of the closet. “Guess that was one of my good impulses yesterday. I need more of the good ones.” He shut his eyes, letting his sense of touch take the helm. He still had a hand on Mike’s middle, rubbing and scratching with all the little tricks he knew his boyfriend loved. 

“How’s your lip feeling?” Mike finally remembered to ask. All of the food thoughts in his head faded as he thought about the end of the party, the blood on Chester’s face, and the way Amir had quit the porn industry. Everything happened so quickly, and it was coming back to him in a rush as he shook off sleep. “I swear that guy better not come close to you again.”

It was Chester’s instinct to want to take the blame. He’d had too much to drink. He should have been stronger in standing up to Petey. He should have told Mike about the last time Petey had been around and how that had been a similar situation. _Or Amir. If Amir knew, he wouldn’t have let him over here last night. That’s my fault._

It was right there, ready to pop out of his mouth, but this time the memory of the entire exchange in the kitchen from last night brought more disgust than self-blame. “He’s a dick,” he spit. “I told him to stop more than once.” He felt a rush that felt like anger, and he didn’t want that now. Not while he was snuggling with Mike in bed. He could be angry at Petey later when he scribbled all about him in red ink in his journal. “And my lip feels pretty good,” he said, letting out a long sigh before he sat up on his elbow. “How does it look? Is it bruised?” 

Mike looked up at the bottom lip he loved. It looked a little irritated, but not bruised. “Looks okay,” he confirmed. “But now you’re too far away,” he whined, gently tugging Chester back down. He feathered a gentle kiss over Chester’s mouth, being careful not to be harsh on the injured lip. “We need to think of something fun to do today,” he decided. “Sitting around waiting for that email from USC is gonna drive me crazy.”

He knew that he should be expecting an email follow up from his audition any time now. It was easier not to compulsively check his email when he was at work and occupied with the kids, but weekend days without a plan were awful. Mike was sure it would be coming in the next few days, it had to. The panel of professors he’d auditioned for a few weeks ago said he’d hear back from them in two to four weeks. It had already been three. Every time he got a notification on his phone he held his breath, hoping to see that he’d been accepted and that they wanted to give him some scholarship money. Every time he’d been disappointed to see that it wasn’t the email he was hoping for, and Mike didn’t think he could deal with all that up and down emotion on a Saturday. 

He kissed up under Chester’s chin and buried his face between the pillow and his boyfriend’s warm skin. “I wanna go to the beach. I miss it.”

“Mmmmm that’s a great idea,” Chester agreed. His hand found its way to Mike’s back. He dragged his nails lightly up and down and around the skin he loved. “We can put on our swim trunks and walk down the beach. I can push you into the water,” he stated with a wily smile. “We can go for a run, if you want. Probably not in that order. I’ll wrestle you in the water after we run.” His eyes were closed as he made up their afternoon in his head. He knew Mike wasn’t much of a runner. When they lived at the loft, Ryan had been Chester’s best beach running partner, but a lot had changed since then. Lately, he couldn’t get Ryan to run anywhere. 

“And we can go wherever you want for lunch,” Chester decided next. “Anything you want, Sexy Boy. If you run with me on the beach, I’ll even give in and we can go get…_sushi_.” The word shivered from Chester’s tongue. He wasn’t a fan of the raw fish, but he knew there were things he could get that wouldn’t be so bad. If they went to the Sushi Den downtown, they had salads and even a soup or two that Chester got along with. “And then we’ll go get dessert. Ice cream. Or cupcakes and coffee. Fuck yes, cupcakes and coffee.” 

It was a whole day planned, and it sounded wonderful to Mike, especially the sushi. His eyes popped wide open. “Sushi? Really? We _never_ get sushi.” The idea of salmon rolls swam in his head, along with the thought that Chester didn’t really like sushi. It made his insides warm and fuzzy to think that his boyfriend was willing to have sushi with him. “I can’t run far but I’ll try my best.” He flashed Chester a smile and squeezed him again. “This is going to be a great day. I won’t even take my phone. I’m excited! Let's make breakfast together. I can do something, let me help,” he begged. 

“We don’t have to run fast,” Chester assured him quickly. “We can just jog. I need to ease my ankle back into shape anyway. And yes, I’ll be your sushi partner today,” he affirmed. He knew Mike loved the little slimy looking bites, even though he could barely stand to look at them. “And you can help. We can make some hot biscuits with ham and cheese on them. Cheese, Sexy Boy, I’ll let you put all the cheese on them.” He pressed his lips to Mike’s cheek before letting out a frustrated sigh. “But I gotta pee first.” 

They both grumbled as Chester sat up. His head didn’t really fuss at him, and he was thankful he avoided the hangover he thought he’d have. He yawned as he scratched his naked sides and front. “We need coffee first though.” He went to get up, just as he spotted his phone on the nightstand. The memory of Rob escorting Ryan out of the party last night hit, and Chester grabbed for it.

“Damn,” he whispered as he stared at his home screen. There wasn’t a single message from Ryan. “I hope Ry’s okay. Maybe he decided to ditch Rob afterall.” He glanced over at Mike, who hadn’t sat up yet. “I’ll call him after breakfast,” he decided, waving his phone back and forth before he stood up and tossed it on the bed in his place. “But I gotta pee before any of that.” 

The race with his bladder was on. He didn’t remember getting undressed for bed last night, but he was only in his underwear, which meant he needed clothes before going down the hallway to the bathroom. He spotted his jeans from last night and reached for them quickly. “Remember when it was just us?” he asked Mike as he pulled his pants on. “And we could walk around naked and not worry about things like pants to go take a piss? Yeah. I miss that.” He flashed Mike a grin before he was out the door, running to get to the bathroom in time. 

The first instinct was to smile at the thought of living together, but then the reality of how they didn’t live together anymore made Mike sigh. He tried not to spend a lot of time wallowing in his poor choices, choices he was trying hard to correct. But he knew how different this morning could be if they were still alone in the loft. His memory pulled up a picture of Chester naked in the loft kitchen, cooking having been abandoned as Mike pulled his clothes off and left them in a heap. He remembered pressing his boyfriend against the cabinets and kissing him all over before being playfully admonished for interrupting whatever was being made. He remembered quick moments of pleasure between them with the smells of Chester’s cooking swirling around them.

This morning wouldn’t be that way. All the most interesting body parts would be covered while they cooked together. Touches and kisses would be limited to the uncovered skin of the back of Chester’s neck, or his arms and face. And Mike just had to be okay with that. He sat up, running his hands through his hair and scratching his head. One day they would be in their own place again, and they would never have to put on clothes. _Even if we end up on campus. They have those tiny apartments with the tiny kitchens, but at least it would be ours._ None of it mattered right now, though. His acceptance hadn’t even come yet, so thinking about living on campus was like counting his chickens before they hatched - not a smart thing to do.

Mike hauled himself out of bed, quickly pulling the sheets and blankets up before he stole a pair of pajama pants from Chester’s dresser. It was the biggest pair his boyfriend owned, but they were still snug. He could feel them tight across his ass and shrugged. It was better than putting on jeans while he wanted to be lazy. He was reaching for his t-shirt when he heard the _ding_ of an incoming text message on Chester’s phone. Leaning over the bed, he looked at the screen. It was Talinda. He didn’t even think about it, deciding it was probably something work related before he opened the bedroom door and pulled his undershirt on as he walked toward the kitchen. 

It didn’t seem like Amir and Noah were around, and he didn’t know if they were asleep or just not home. He was comfortable enough in Amir’s apartment to start coffee, though, and he got to work as he heard the bathroom door open. “Hey, babe,” he called over his shoulder. “You got a text from Talinda while you were in there.” 

The eye roll from Chester was immediate. “Oh god, The Tyrant. Doesn’t she know it’s Saturday?” He scooted behind Mike, wrapping his arms around his middle as he peered over his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Add another scoop,” he begged with a kiss to Mike’s neck in between his words. “I want extra strong coffee this morning.” 

He was ready to stay right where he was, glued to Mike’s back while the smells of the dark roast filled the small space. He was still shirtless, and part of him wanted to pull Mike’s t-shirt up, just so their naked skin could touch for a little longer, but he stopped. “Talinda,” he whispered, before he let Mike go and stepped back. “I wonder if she’s texting about Ry.” 

The impulse to make sure everything was okay hit. Chester was back in the bedroom in a flash, snatching his phone from the bed. 

**Talinda the Tyrant:** _Hey, Chester, I know it’s Saturday and you’re not working, but Ryan didn’t come home last night. Is he with you? I haven’t heard from him, and he’s not answering my texts._

“Fuck,” Chester swore as he read and reread the message. “Damn it, Ry,” he whispered under his breath before opening up the contacts on his phone. He hit Talinda’s name. She picked up on the second ring. 

“Hi, Chester.” 

“He’s not with me,” Chester told her as he paced the bedroom. “He was here last night, my roommate had a party.” 

“I know, he told me he was going. That’s why I figured he might still be there. Plus, you two are always together anyway.” 

Chester stopped, his eyes darting for the open bedroom door. “Well, not so much anymore,” he mumbled, before he shook that off. “Anyway, he left with someone last night and I haven’t heard from him.”

“He left with someone? Who?” 

Chester had just stepped out into the rest of the apartment, but he froze at the sound of Talinda’s voice. Her tone had been worried - concerned for their mutual friend - but now she sounded almost stern. Or upset. “Well,” Chester stammered, his free hand going around to the back of his neck as he took another step toward the living space. “It’s someone we used to know from where we worked before.” 

There was a gasp on the other end of the line, and Chester’s mind swirled. He had no idea what Ryan had and hadn’t told Talinda over the course of them living together. He knew that Forrest Mullan was familiar with YRS and the work that was done there, but Forrest never mentioned it. Not since that first meeting after Mark’s funeral. He swallowed hard as he asked, “What?” 

“Nothing,” Talinda denied, “it’s just...well, I know where you guys worked before we got you,” she admitted. “I didn’t realize Ryan was still dating someone from that line of work. IF that’s what you’re saying. I guess I shouldn’t assume. I can’t believe he’s dating at all. He’s been so depressed.” 

Chester was standing by the couch now, his mouth agape as he stared blankly into the kitchen where the coffee was almost done and Mike was still standing. _She knows. She knows about YRS._ It was a reassuring fact. Not everyone was okay with porn stars - even ex-porn stars - living in their homes, but it seemed Talinda liked Ryan enough not to care. _And me, too. She’s never brought it up. It’s good she knows._

Chester cleared his throat, relaxing a little. “Actually, not technically. Rob was never in the scenes with us,” he said, still trying to keep his wording delicate. “He was the pool boy, but he hangs around with people in the business.”

“Rob?” Talinda asked. “I’ve never heard Ryan mention anyone named Rob.” 

Chester shook his head. “Until last night, I had no idea he had any interest in him either.” It only took a few seconds for Chester to make up his mind. “Hey, I’m going to call him, okay? See if I can find out where he is. I’m sure he’s fine,” he made sure to say, “but I don’t like that neither of us have heard anything from him. I’ll let you know what happens.” 

“Tell him he needs to text me back,” Talinda insisted. “He knows how much I hate that. If I’m texting or calling, I expect a response in a reasonable amount of time.”

“I know,” Chester answered quickly. That was the Talinda he knew. Talinda the Tyrant. “I’m calling him right now. I’ll let you know.” 

“Alright,” Talinda agreed before they said their goodbyes, the call ending. Chester stared down at his phone for a second before turning his attention to Mike. “That was Talinda. She’s freaked out. Ryan didn’t come home last night and he’s not answering her texts.” 

Mike immediately put down the coffee and turned to Chester. Concern was etched all over his boyfriend’s face. “You going to call him?” Even though he was sure Ryan still hated him, Mike didn’t want Chester to worry over the other man all day. “Does he ever just… not come home? I mean, has he done it before?”

“No,” Chester answered immediately, before he stopped for a second to think. “Well...no,” he decided. “At least not that I know of. His last roommate didn’t care, so I never got phone calls about him not coming home, but Ry’s not the type. And he’s been with Jay for so long, so he was never really out like this. Except when Jay would stand him up, then sometimes he would go out to wallow and -” Chester stopped. He hadn’t really meant to mention Jason’s name twice in the same explanation, but he had. He saw the look on Mike’s face, and something sad sank in Chester’s stomach. He was so used to relating Jason Wakefield to Ryan, but now things were different. 

“Anyway,” Chester quickly dismissed, “he’s not texting Talinda back, and that _is_ out of character. I’ll call him.” He didn’t wait for Mike’s response before he had Ryan’s name pulled up and the phone to his ear. He waited, listening to it ring, and then Ryan’s voicemail picked up. “Fuck,” Chester hissed again. “Hey, Ry, it’s Chaz. Give me a call when you get this, or shoot me a text. Talinda said she can’t get a hold of you. I, I hope everything’s okay.” He paused, before he added, “Sorry we didn’t get to talk much last night.” 

He hung up, staring at his phone for a few seconds before he looked back at Mike. “He didn’t answer.” He looked at the time. “It’s not even that early.” 

The uneasy feeling that crept over Mike when Chester mentioned Jason’s name grew stronger as he looked at his boyfriend. “There’s a lot of things it could be,” he tried to reassure, though he wasn’t exactly sure what to say. “He could be in the shower. Or driving. Or maybe he’s still asleep. I’d still be asleep, if we weren’t going to make breakfast together.” Mike tried to smile. “He’ll call you back when he can, babe.” He stepped over and wrapped his arm around Chester’s waist. “Come on. Cooking will cheer you up. And we have a whole day together planned.” 

Chester knew Mike was right. There was nothing he could do but wait. He glanced at his phone one last time before he stashed it away in his pocket. “Let me go grab a shirt and I’ll be right back.” He kissed Mike’s cheek before heading back to the bedroom. _A couple of hours. I’ll give him a couple hours and if I don’t hear from him, maybe me and Mike will go look for him after lunch. I promised him sushi, so after that._

Mike watched him go before he sighed and turned back to the coffee maker. _I hope everything is okay. I know things with Ryan have been off ever since… ever since we went and got my stuff from Seattle._ His hands went out to the countertop and his head dropped. _That was such an awful trip. I wish I could go back and undo everything. I wish I’d never suggested to Jay that we could all share the loft for a while. Ches says Ryan’s been a mess, and it’s not getting better. Jason’s moved on, and Ryan hasn’t._ Mike thought about the confrontation in the loft, the way Ryan’s face looked when the truth about his affair with Jason came out. It had been a complete shock, and Mike had to figure things weren’t any better than they had been that day. _Ches will worry about him all day. Damnit, Ryan, you better call him back._

He pulled at the waistband of Chester’s pajama pants. As much as he’d been sleeping at Amir’s, he couldn’t believe he didn’t have any of his own to put on. The idea to bring a set of pajamas over and stash them in the dresser hit him, and he nodded to himself before he pulled his thoughts away from Ryan and Jason and pajamas and back to the coffee. He needed cups, and Chester’s sugar and cream.

In the closet, Chester was staring at his collection of t-shirts. He’d already texted Talinda and let her know that Ryan hadn’t answered. His shoulders dropped as he dead-stared at a plain white v-neck t-shirt. It was simple and it would do for a day of going to the beach and then the Sushi Den. 

His phone dinged, and even though he knew it would be Talinda, a small part of him was disappointed it wasn’t Ryan’s name on his phone instead. 

**Talinda the Tyrant:** _Well that’s not good. He always answers you. He always answers me. This is so not like him._

Chester pulled his piercing in before we winced at the sting. He growled under his breath before he typed back. 

**Chester:** _Try not to worry. I’m going to give him a little bit and if we don’t hear from him by lunch, me and Mike will go track him down. I know a few places to look. Let’s keep each other in the loop._

He hit send and then grabbed the white shirt from the hanger. He heard the almost immediate ding of a text response, and he glanced at it quickly to see Talinda’s simple reply of “okay”. Chester tucked his phone away and pulled his shirt on to head back out into the kitchen. He was ready for the strong coffee he could smell all the way in his closet. 

Mike was stirring sugar into Chester’s coffee cup when he felt his boyfriend’s presence in the room. He didn’t even need to look over his shoulder, he knew it was Chester. Without really thinking, he wiggled his ass a little as he stirred. “I need some pajamas over here,” he commented. “Your coffee is ready.” 

Chester nudged Mike’s arm. “I don’t know, you look pretty cute in my pajamas. But if you want, I can make space in my dresser for some stuff. And thanks,” he added as he picked up his coffee. He took a sip, the warm sugary drink hitting the spot and he hummed as he took another. “No sign of Amir or Noah?” he asked over his shoulder as he opened the refrigerator to check the stock of food. Since Mike had started spending more and more time at Amir’s, Chester had taken over the kitchen. He bought the groceries and did almost 100% of the cooking now that he was off his crutches. 

“Haven’t seen them.” It was Mike’s turn to watch his boyfriend’s cute ass from across the small space. “And… I’d like that. If you made me a little space,” he said softly. “I promise not to take up too much of your dresser. Just a t-shirt and some pants.” It felt like things were starting to really be okay between the two of them, with Chester suggesting shared space again. He so desperately wanted everything to be okay, for casual mentions of Jason to not interfere with their lives. The look on Chester’s face earlier before he steered the conversation away from Jason hadn’t been lost on Mike. Their lives had all been intertwined for so long it was hard to separate things out sometimes. If he was being honest, his own thoughts of Ryan usually brought thoughts of Jason with them. That’s just how it was. Ryan and Jason. He couldn’t blame Chester for bringing the other man up. 

“I think I can make room for you,” Chester decided, his thoughts divided between the mental image of the contents of his dresser and the food choices in front of him. “Are you still in the mood for ham and cheese biscuits?” he asked as he pulled a tin of biscuit dough from the door of the refrigerator. He glanced over in time to see Mike nodding between sips of coffee. “Okay, we have all the stuff.” 

Chester managed to balance the container of ham and the sleeve of biscuit dough in one hand, his coffee in the other before he looked back over at his boyfriend. “Okay, Sexy Boy, what’s your pleasure? We got American, Swiss, or Cheddar. Or if you’re feeling really naughty, we have a block of Velveeta.” He raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. He was pretty sure Mike was going to pick the extra melty Velveeta, but he always wanted to give the options. Cheese was important to his lover. 

“Oh my God, Velveeta, babe. Is that even a question?” Mike put down his coffee cup and reached to help with all the food items Chester was juggling. “Like, I know Velveeta isn’t really cheese, but it tastes so good. I am so ready to eat. I’m always hungry,” he whined mildly. He watched Chester pull a baking sheet out for the biscuits, and tried to sort out what order things would be happening in. He figured his Velveeta placing services wouldn’t be needed for a while. “I guess the biscuits have to cook first, huh?” 

Chester smiled as he nodded. The oven was already pre-heating, but nothing was going to be ready instantly. “You got about twenty minutes,” Chester told him as he plopped the dough on the sheet pan. “Until then you can slice up your cheese so it will be ready.” He gestured to the empty space on the other side of the sink, opposite where he was working. “The cutting board is there, if you want to use it.” 

Cheese cutting was serious business. Mike nodded and set his focus on finding a knife. He hated the way Velveeta stuck to the knife when he cut it. No matter how hard he tried, he usually got frustrated with it. “Any tips on keeping the cheese from sticking to the knife? And how thin does it need to be?” Mike asked as he pulled apart the foil that covered the block of delicious processed cheese.

“No tricks to help that,” Chester said just as the oven beeped and he opened it to slide the tray of biscuits in. “And you can make them as thick as you want. Just remember that it’s going to melt, so a little will go a long way.” He stepped over to the sink and rinsed off his hands before he picked his coffee back up and leaned his butt against the counter. It was such a drastic change from what had happened only a few hours ago in this same space. Watching Mike try to slice Velveeta for their breakfast was a world away from fighting off unwelcome advances from Petey Sly. 

Mike bit down on his bottom lip as he wrestled with the cheese. He’d heard Chester’s instructions, but the slices weren’t very thin. They stuck to his knife and his fingers as he laid each piece to the side, waiting for his moment to lay them on top of the ham. He’d never say it out loud, but it made him feel important to get to help with the food. He knew it was hard for Chester to share responsibilities in the kitchen. “This stuff is frustrating. Good thing it’s so fucking delicious.” 

The phrase _fucking delicious_ popped a laugh right out of Chester, almost causing a coffee accident. “You’re so funny,” he giggled before he scooted over and looked down at the thick pieces of cheese. “I want one,” he begged lightly. 

“Straight Velveeta?” Mike asked, his eyebrow quirked as Chester leaned over his arm. “You’re such a mess.” He sliced off a piece and held it over for Chester to take from his fingers.

“Just hungry,” Chester dismissed as he took the rather large chunk of cheese. “I woke up from dreaming about food, remember?” He plopped a kiss to Mike’s neck and then turned around. “Join me when you’re done.” He headed toward the living room, settling down on the couch. He crossed his ankle over his knee as he nibbled on the thick piece of cheese. It was good, even if it was extremely indulgent. 

He glanced up toward the stairs, staying quiet for a second as he listened, but the apartment was silent. He couldn’t decide if Amir and Noah were still in bed or if they’d actually managed to leave before he and Mike had even made it out of bed. 

His eyebrows pinched together in thought. _Naw. They’re up there passed out. Amir isn’t going in for work, obviously._ It was an unexpected memory from last night. Despite his intoxication during the party, he remembered the look of pure joy on Noah’s face when Amir announced he was never going back to Carnal Delights. 

A small swirl of mixed feelings followed. _That’s what I should have done. Mike would have had that same look on his face if I would have just quit YRS way back when. Oh well. I can’t change it now._ He sighed, just as his boyfriend headed his way. Mike looked happy, with his hair messy and his oversized coffee cup in hand. It was a moment of realizing that despite everything, his boyfriend was okay. They were okay. 

Chester leaned forward, leaving his cup on the coffee table for a minute while he finished his cheese and checked his phone. Still no reply from Ryan. _I wonder if he went home with Rob. Where the hell does Rob even live? Maybe we can Google an address for him. Or Devon and Caleb might know. Maybe. Or Noah. Noah seems to have contact information for everyone._

He looked over just as Mike sat down next to him. “I told Talinda if we didn’t hear from Ry, you and me would go look for him after lunch.” 

Mike rested his hand on Chester’s thigh. “Of course. Whatever you need to do, Ches, I’m with you.” He reminded himself over and over that Ryan was important to Chester. It didn’t matter how Mike felt. All that mattered was Chester. “I’m still gonna run with you on the beach, just so you know. I want my sushi.” 

“Don’t worry,” Chester told him in a hurry. “I’m not changing our plans. Run on the beach, then sushi. Then we’ll go look for Ry before we get cupcakes and coffee.” He shoved the last bite of cheese in his mouth before he leaned against Mike’s shoulder. _I really hope he calls. I don’t want to have to go track him down._

Across town in the studio apartment where Ryan had passed out, he was struggling to wake up. It had been a long night, and Ryan’s stomach wasn’t feeling the best. He’d had a lot to drink, and now that the alcohol had sat on his system all night, he was regretting it. He groaned as he moved slowly, and his foot ran into someone else’s foot. 

Ryan’s eyes popped open. The first thing he saw was the window, and the pea green shades that only partially covered it. He spotted his black leather jacket, tossed to the dark hardwood floor, and his jeans were right next to it, along with an empty condom wrapper. _Fuck. Rob. That’s right._ It took a few seconds for Ryan to get his bearings, to remember the order in which things had happened. They’d left the party, and ended up at Rob’s apartment, where more drinking had happened. There had been nachos, Ryan was pretty sure, and then a make out session on the couch, which ended in the bed. 

Ryan went to sit up, and his body pulled on him from the inside, especially his bottom. It was a sharp reminder of how the sexual part of the evening had gone. He’d given himself to Rob, allowing the other man to be on top. It wasn’t a position that was new to Ryan, but it had been a long time. 

He leaned forward, his head in his hands. He was naked, but the plush tan blanket he was still under was covering his lap. He looked to his left. Rob was curled on his side, his head on the pillow. His muscular arms were on top of the blanket, holding it close to his chest and chin, like he was worried someone was going to take it away. Ryan let his gaze stay as he inspected the other man’s face, his slightly scruffy jawline and the way his short dark hair still looked styled, like he’d gotten up in the middle of the night to fix it after their sweaty sex session. 

_It was good. I guess,_ Ryan thought as he tried to remember the tryst that was faded from intoxication. _He knew what he was doing, that’s what I remember. He had a plan, and I gave in._ Ryan’s shoulders slumped a little as thoughts of Jason suddenly came to mind. He could see his ex’s face, his dark eyes and the lips he loved to kiss. Lips he would probably never see again. 

He wrapped an arm around his stomach. He wasn’t sure why guilt was washing over him, but it had shown up the moment Jason came to mind. It was a rough set of emotions, knowing he hadn’t done anything wrong, but still feeling like he had. _I’m sorry, Jay. He’s nothing like you. No one is. But he was there._

The painful thoughts consumed him for only a minute and then he forced them away. It wasn’t going to do any good to think about Jason. Not now. Not ever. _I’ve gotta leave him in the past. It’s where he wanted to put himself, so he’s there._ It was an idea he’d tried to assert before and had failed, but now he was in bed with another man. Maybe it was finally time to let Jason go for good.

He looked over the apartment, remembering the sparse but nice space from last night. The kitchen was green, and not much to speak of, but Rob had a nice couch, and the bathroom, from what Ryan could sort of remember, was the highlight of the home that Rob had willingly brought him into. He leaned forward, trying to see through the open bathroom door, just as he felt Rob move beside him. 

Ryan wasn’t Rob Bourdon’s first conquest, and waking up to someone new wasn’t something that really phased him much. Rob let go of his blankets and stretched both arms up over his head, turning to look at Ryan. Where he wasn’t bothered by the night before, he could tell it was weighing on Ryan’s mind the second he looked at him. He knew there were a few ways to solve that problem. “Morning,” he said lightly, scratching over his upper chest lazily. “You want some coffee?”

“Yeah, coffee would be okay,” Ryan answered. He wasn’t sure what to say. It had been years since he’d been involved in a one night stand, and he was pretty sure that’s what this was going to be. It wasn’t a nice idea in Ryan’s mind, going back to the reckless lifestyle that he had given up when he’d started seeing Jason.

Ryan picked his head up before twisting to look at Rob. The other man looked relaxed, like this was just another Saturday morning for him. “I don’t remember if we really talked about stuff last night, but I don’t usually do this,” he felt compelled to say as he motioned between the two of them. 

Rob tossed back the blanket and stood up, grabbing his jeans from the floor. “You mentioned it,” he said casually. He didn’t mention that he knew Ryan and Jason Wakefield had been a thing for a long time. Even though everyone around YRS knew that, he thought it best not to bring up Jason in light of what he’d heard happened between the two of them. “Don’t worry about it, Ryan. I’m not a stranger. I’m not judging you.” He stepped into his jeans, not bothering with underwear, and zipped them as he made his way over to the kitchen space to get some coffee started. 

Ryan stayed where he was. He was looking into the kitchen, the open apartment allowing him to see everything from the bed, but his mind wasn’t on what Rob was doing. Flashes from the night before were heavy on him instead. The weight of Rob’s body on top of him. The moans that had erupted from both their mouths. The feel of Rob’s toned arms around him. The feeling of having someone touch him, not just on his dick, but everywhere. That alone had been enough to tip Ryan’s approval to engage in sex over the edge. Having someone caress his skin and kiss his lips, someone who stripped his clothes off of him and happily went down on him before things had moved on to penetration.

Without meaning to, Ryan’s thoughts shifted back to Jason, and the last night they’d spent together in L.A. That had been love - or what Ryan thought was love - and last night had been sex. No matter how much Ryan wanted someone to touch him and make love to him, he knew last night hadn’t been it, and it never would be. _I wanted to bottom with Jay. I wanted to save that for him._

A tear slipped down Ryan’s cheek, and he quickly wiped it away before clearing his throat. This was getting him nowhere. He made a choice last night, and regretting it now was pointless, especially when it came to Jason. His ex would never know, and Ryan was pretty sure he wouldn’t care even if he did. 

In silence he decided he needed to get moving. He needed to get his clothes on and go to the bathroom before he’d chug down his coffee - just to be polite - and then he’d head home. Last night would be a distant memory, hopefully. He had no plans of repeating the act. Not when it left him feeling like this. 

He shoved the blanket away and quickly grabbed his jeans from the floor. His underwear was tangled inside, like they’d been removed together. Ryan couldn’t remember exactly how it had all gone down as he pulled them both back on anyway. Once he was covered, he felt better. Less exposed. He sat back down on the bed, scratching his nails over the back of his neck and up into his hair. He could tell by the feel of it that it looked awful and he groaned. 

He stood up, looking for his shirt. He spied Rob in the kitchen, the other man leaning against the counter and flipping through his phone. _My phone._ Ryan spun around and grabbed his leather jacket. Relief hit instantly as he pulled his phone out. The last thing he needed was for it to come up missing. The string of texts from Talinda, and the missed call from Chester smacked him in the face. “God, they’re probably worried about me.”

He opened Talinda’s texts first after glancing over his shoulder at Rob, who still seemed to be content in his own world as the coffee pot percolated. “Jeeeez,” he groaned as he quickly read through her messages. _At least she cares._ Ryan smiled for just a second before he texted her back, letting her know he was okay and would be home in about an hour. 

He stood up from the bed, finally spotting his muscle shirt, tossed onto a nearby chair. He grabbed it before heading into the bathroom. He would listen to Chester’s voicemail, which he was pretty sure would be filled with the same worry as Talinda’s texts. _I miss him. I wish I could see him more, but I know he has to keep a balance between me and Mike now. Which is good. It’s the way it should be. He’s being a good boyfriend, just like he promised he would be._

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready for coffee,” he mentioned toward the kitchen before he disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

****

TBC


	49. Perfect

There had been a lot of cheese. Mike’s slices of Velveeta had melted into lava rivers of goodness, leaving breakfast at a 3 to 1 ratio of cheese to everything else. But it was tasty, and Chester knew his boyfriend was satisfied when he’d sat back in his seat and moaned the words, “Damn, that was good.” 

That was almost an hour ago, and a second round of coffee was happening as they lazed around Amir’s living room. Chester was on the couch, sipping his sugary mixture while he kept a watchful eye on his phone. He needed Ryan to call or text or something. _Two hours. It’s been two hours almost and he hasn’t called me back._

He let out a long sigh as he flipped his phone over on the armrest of the couch. He knew staring at it wouldn’t do any good. Instead he focused his attention on Mike, who was still sitting at the table. Chester had picked up their breakfast dishes, cleaned the kitchen, started the dishwasher and made fresh coffee. Mike had found some paper and what started as a small doodle seemed to be turning into a full-on art piece. Chester lifted his chin to try and see more of what his boyfriend was working on. He only got a slight glimpse of what he knew was an eskimo. The same eskimo that Chester had seen Mike draw many times over their years together. _He’s happy when he draws that little guy. Relaxed. I wish I was more relaxed right now._

The moment the thought hit his mind, his cell phone rang. Chester picked it up instantly. He grinned the moment he saw the name across the screen. “It’s Ry,” he announced to Mike as he stood up with his coffee. “Thank God.” 

He headed for the bedroom as he answered the call, his coffee in hand. “Hey,” he said, ready to hear Ryan’s voice so he would know the other man was really okay. “Mr. M.I.A, you okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m okay. Sorry my M.I.A ass made you worry.” 

Chester sat down on the edge of the bed, his coffee cup resting on his knee. “Talinda was trying to get in touch with you, too. She said you didn’t come home last night.” He waited. He could hear Ryan’s shallow breathing on the other end. 

“I texted her back,” Ryan said, his voice monotone. “I should have let her know I wasn’t going to be home, but I didn’t even think about it.” 

Chester stared at the floor, his eyes engrossed in the gray carpeting. It wasn’t like Ryan to not think about other people, especially people he cared about. Talinda was one of those people. She was no longer just Talinda the Tyrant to Ryan. She was his roommate and his friend. “Where did you end up?” Chester asked with a feeling of hesitation he wasn’t used to. Normally he and Ryan could talk about anything, but this felt different. 

Ryan shut his eyes. He’d left Rob’s apartment, but not the parking lot. He wanted privacy to call Chester back, and doing that from Rob’s bathroom didn’t seem like the best idea. He drank his coffee quickly, and when Rob sat down on the couch and turned the television on, offering little to no conversation, Ryan gathered his jacket, shoes, and phone and left. He stared out the front windshield of his car as he said, “I crashed at Rob’s.” 

Chester knew that was coming, but it was still a shock. The idea that Ryan had spent the night at Rob Bourdon’s was off putting. “Soooo what happened?” he asked. “I saw you guys leave, and I wanted to talk to you first, but Petey Sly had me...well, he was keeping me in the kitchen and I missed you.” 

Ryan sat back, his dull attention that had been concentrated on the full parking lot of Rob’s building suddenly going sharp. “Petey Sly? What do you mean he was keeping you in the kitchen? I didn’t even see him last night.” 

Chester rolled his eyes at the memory that he didn’t want to get into. “It was nothing. He was just being an asshole. But it doesn’t matter. Tell me what happened.” He took a sip of his coffee. It was nice to hear the life come back into Ryan’s tone, even if he wasn’t looking forward to hearing about how things with Rob had gone. 

“Petey was being an asshole in what way?” 

“Just being handsy with me,” Chester admitted, even though he didn’t want to get into it. 

“Handsy? Chaz, what the hell? Where was Mike?” Ryan sat forward, adjusting his position as he grabbed the steering wheel. “Everyone from Carnal Delights has this awful entitled attitude. Are you okay?” 

“Ry, I’m fine,” Chester insisted as he stood up, leaving his coffee on the nightstand. “Mike got in his face and Amir kicked him out, and we’re not talking about me, remember?” 

“He kicked him out?” Ryan repeated, his mind zipping with mental images of what that might look like. “Well good for him. He doesn’t need jerks like that at his party anyway.” 

“Exactly. Now, tell me,” Chester insisted as he walked into his closet. He was ready to get past all this avoiding-the-issue talk. He glanced down at the floor, the spot on the carpet where he and Mike had scrubbed it clean earlier making him smile for a second before he ran his hand over his line of shirts. He feathered his fingers over their sleeves like he was in the midst of wooing them. “What happened with the pool boy?”

Ryan let out a sigh of relief. Whatever had really gone down with Petey Sly, Chester wasn’t freaking out about it. In fact, he sounded the opposite of freaked out. He sounded more annoyed, and to Ryan that was a good sign. Chester was okay, and he knew it was his turn to spill information. “He’s not a pool boy anymore,” he stated first, his eyes flipping over to scan the outside of the twelve story building that Rob lived in. “He works at some software company now, doing something with computers.” He stopped for a second, realizing for the first time how similar Rob’s line of work sounded to Jason’s. “He’s actually doing pretty well for himself these days. He’s still entry level, but his place is nice.” 

Chester froze, his hand clutched to one of his shirts. _Rob has a nice place? It must really be something for Ry to say so._ Jealousy swept over him as he turned away from his clothes and stepped back out into the bedroom - the bedroom that wasn’t even his. “That’s good. I mean, good for him. Guess that whole college thing paid off for him.” 

“Yeah, it did,” Ryan confirmed. “I’m happy for him. He’s...I don’t know. I think last night was the first time I’ve actually ever talked to him. God, that sounds awful. The first time I talk to the guy and we sleep together.” 

Chester’s hand went to his mouth. He knew sex had probably been part of the deal last night, but hearing Ryan admit it was different. “So you guys did have sex,” he said in clarification. “Like...as a one time thing?” He winced at his own words. He knew how long it had been since Ryan had indulged in things like one night stands and banging strangers for fun. But he wasn’t sure how else to take what had happened. _Unless a relationship is starting between them. I guess that could happen. Rob would be the rebound though. The rebound from Jay._

Ryan nodded, his eyes sliding closed. “Yeah. Pretty sure it was a one time thing. I think we both just wanted to get laid. It’s okay,” he added before shaking the whole thing off. He was an adult, and so was Rob. They had both done what they wanted last night, despite the lingering feeling of regret that was hanging over Ryan this morning. “It happened. I’m not crying over it. It’s been awhile. I was ready for it.” 

Chester turned and headed back into the closet, his gaze drifting over his shoes, and his boxes of kitchen supplies. “Well, as long as you’re okay, that’s all that matters.” He knew he shouldn’t ask anything else. He’d stopped sharing all the details about his sex life with Mike, and that courtesy went both ways. Ryan was okay, and that was the point. “Are you home yet?” he asked instead as he stopped in front of his collection of belts. He picked at the purple one with the glitter, smoothing it through his fingers. 

“Getting ready to head there now. I just wanted to call you first. I’m sitting in my car. My head is pounding.” 

“Oh, well I’ll let you go then,” Chester offered. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, and hear about what happened.” 

“Thanks, Chazzy. I’m fine. I’ll text with you later. I’m going to go home and get a hot shower.” 

“Okay. I’ll talk to you then. Me and Mike are going to go for a run on the beach and then grab lunch.” 

Ryan snorted, his lips pulling to a smile. “Mike’s going to run with you on the beach?” 

“Don’t laugh,” Chester admonished, even as he smiled, too. “He’s going to try. I promised him sushi afterwards.” 

“That’s gross,” Ryan sneered before he fumbled with his keys to get the car started. “You must be in love. You’re going so soft. I mean, sushi? That’s, like, the ultimate sacrifice.” 

“I do love him,” Chester affirmed, all mirth gone from his voice. “And I’ll survive the sushi. It won’t be so bad.” 

“Alright, well, you can tell me about it later. I need to get home before Talinda asks where I am again.” 

Chester agreed, and they disconnected their call. Chester still had the end of the purple belt in his hand as he thought about what Ryan had said. It was weird to think about his friend having sex with Rob. Or anyone having sex with Rob. _Not that there’s anything wrong with him physically, I just don’t think of him like that. I know he gets around, so clearly people are having sex with him. I can’t picture it though._ He narrowed his eyes at that thought, before he let his belt go and headed back out into the apartment. 

By the time Chester reappeared at Mike’s side, his Eskimo had multiplied from one happy looking little guy to four. He had an entire family of Eskimos, their fur lined hoods tight around their faces, standing in front of an igloo. There was a snow covered forest in the background. The trees were hastily sketched in the shape of Christmas trees, and there was an icy pond and snow falling. One of the tiny Eskimos was holding a pair of ice skates.

Mike looked up. “Well? Everything okay?” 

Chester plopped down at the table, across from his boyfriend. “Yeah. He’s okay. He’s heading home now. He spent the night at Rob’s.” He looked down at Mike’s drawing just as he remembered, “my coffee!” He was back up, shooting into the bedroom to retrieve his now cold coffee. “He sounded better than he did last night, so I guess that’s good,” he mentioned on his way into the kitchen to get to the microwave. 

Mike nodded, putting his focus back on his Eskimos. “Rob’s. That’s so weird. But at least you know he’s okay. Now we can go have our day without you being worried.” He added a bit of shading here and there, finishing off his sketch, before he stood up. “I guess I need to find something to wear other than your pajamas.” 

Chester sipped his coffee as he went over and stood behind Mike, looking down at the drawing. It still surprised him how talented his boyfriend was. “That’s really good,” he said, pointing at the family of Eskimos. “It kills me how you can sit down and come up with something like that in just a few minutes. It would take me a week to draw that, and it would end up looking like stick figures in fancy coats.” He nudged Mike’s shoulder to make sure his humor was coming through. 

“It just comes out,” Mike said without thinking. “I’ve never really thought about it. But thanks… and you could probably do better than you think. Your stick figures might get a sun up in the corner of the paper, a few clouds, and some grass at the bottom,” he teased lightly, thinking about drawings that children made that were very one dimensional. “It’s like me and my cooking skills. I can’t even cut cheese right, and you’re over there making all the fancy food. At least your badass skills are useful. You can’t live by eating art.”

“You’re right. I could probably pull off a happy looking sun.” Chester leaned forward with a grin, kissing the back of Mike’s ear. “Come on,” he whispered. “Let’s go pick you out something to wear. I got an extra pair of trunks you can borrow for the beach. Maybe my camo pants and a nice button up for the Sushi Den,” he suggested, his mental inventory of his closet flashing over his mind. He only had a few things that would fit Mike since they wore different size pants, but Chester knew he could make something work. 

“I like it when you dress me up.” Mike followed behind Chester, ready to get their day going. He was in a great mood. Even though last night had ended a little tensely, the overall vibe of the day had been good, and then this morning all the food and relaxing time together had continued his happy mental space. If he could just keep the anxiety over not knowing about his audition at bay, it would be a fun day - even if he did have to run on the beach. He reached for Chester’s hand and laced their fingers together, despite how they were only walking about fifteen steps together. “I’m so ready to get out of here for a while.”

“This won’t take long, Sexy Boy,” Chester assured him before he let go of Mike’s hand. It was time to get to work, and that required two hands. “Now, here’s what I’m thinking.” He quickly found the pair of camo pants that were a little big on him, but he knew they would fit Mike. “Put these on,” he instructed as he handed the pants off. “And I’ll find you a shirt. And a belt. And shoes, because I’m not sure the pair you had on last night are going to go with the outfit we’re building.” 

Mike looked at his boyfriend in surprise. “A belt? I don’t need a belt, your pants are always tight on me.” He dropped the pajama pants to the floor and stepped into the camo pants, turning to wiggle his ass at Chester. “See? Snug.” He even bent over to pick the pajama pants up off the floor, taking extra long to retrieve them and straighten up to fold them. 

Chester’s eyes widened a little as he stepped right up behind Mike, abandoning his search for the perfect shirt. “Snug indeed,” he husked, slapping Mike’s ass, and letting his hand linger there as he stood close. “But belts aren’t only for keeping your pants up. They add to the overall feel and look of an outfit.” He shut his eyes. He squeezed Mike’s butt cheek and plopped a slow kiss to his neck.

“Mmmm,” Mike hummed, savoring the feel of Chester’s kiss. “You won’t rest until you’ve got me out of flannels for good. Just remember, every piece of clothing of mine we have to make room for means less room for your own stuff.” Mike grinned as he felt Chester’s lips stop moving along the line of his neck. “And shoes, what if I had thirty pairs of shoes? Where would we put yours?” 

Chester gasped. “Michael,” he said in his most serious voice. “Why would you say that? My shoes aren’t going anywhere, and _if_ you had thirty pairs of shoes, then, well I’d probably borrow most of them. Our shoes can live together.” He looked around, mentally trying to figure out if thirty more pairs of shoes would fit in the closet. “Shoe racks are the answer,” he decided before looking up. “We’d have to rearrange in here, but shoe racks would help.” 

“You’re hopeless,” Mike giggled, twisting away to turn and grab Chester by the hips and pull him in close. “And I love you. My number one goal in life is to build you the closet of your dreams. We’ll have a tiny ass bathroom and bedroom, this massive kitchen, and a closet that takes up half the house. I’ll paint outside and keep all my mess away from your shirts, and I’ll love every second of it.” He slowly leaned in, capturing Chester’s lips for a slow, indulgent kiss. In the back of his mind he knew the goal was to get dressed and leave, but he wanted to kiss for a second more before Chester was back on task, finding him a shirt, and getting them out the door. 

Chester’s arms laced around Mike’s neck, before his hand went up the back, right into his boyfriend’s long dark hair. He pulled on it a little, just the slightest tug to the moppy hairstyle he’d grown to love. He felt Mike groan, and how the hold on his hips went tighter. He knew better than to turn his lover on right before it was time to leave, but it felt good. He didn’t really want their slow, soft kiss to stop. 

“Kissing you in here is my new favorite spot,” Chester whispered when they finally pulled back. “It feels safe. Private,” he corrected. “No one but us comes in here. It’s our space.” 

Mike let go of one hip and lifted his hand to touch Chester’s cheek gently as he nodded. “Let’s never let anyone else into our space.” He barely touched his fingertip to Chester’s lip ring and took a deep breath. “Come on, let’s finish. Or we might never make it to the beach. Fair warning, I’ll need a rest after we run. I’ll be ready to sit with you and watch the waves. It’s been too long since we did that.” He stepped back, his fingertips brushing against Chester’s shirt front as he put space between them. 

Finishing Mike’s outfit didn’t take long. Chester even managed to work a silver belt around Mike’s hips, since it matched the flecks of silver in the white button-up he’d handed his boyfriend. In the end, he let Mike slip his Converse sneakers back on, and then they were off, ready for a run by the water and then just as Mike suggested, they’d spend time on the sand, watching the waves and playfully kicking sand at each other. 

The day was warm, and Chester had Mike’s hand in his as they walked down the beach in their swim trunks. Mike had kept a t-shirt on, but all their nice clothes were left behind in the car for later. “At least it’s not too crowded today,” he mentioned as they passed by a few people already out sunbathing and kids running by to get in and out of the water. 

Mike sighed happily. He loved the beach. “It’s perfect. The weather is great, too.” He took a deep breath of the salty air and squeezed Chester’s hand. These were the kind of days he wanted to memorize and play on repeat in his mind. Everything else seemed so far away. Even thoughts of school and what was happening with that were far away as he looked out over the glittering water and felt the warm sun on his face. They were walking close enough to the water that the sand was wet, but not too squishy. It was all perfect, and Mike wanted to walk for miles. 

He looked back at Chester and smiled. “You’re so cute. You look happy, Ches. I want to bottle up this moment and keep it forever.” 

Chester squeezed his hand as he took a long inhale of the warm air. He missed the beach in ways he couldn’t really put into words. The sight, the smell, the feel of the warm sand on his bare feet. “I am happy,” he confirmed, glancing Mike’s way for just a second. “There are things I wish were different, but in general, I’m really happy. I’m glad we came here today. It feels like it’s been a long time.” Without meaning to, he looked over his shoulder, back in the direction of the loft. Even though he couldn’t see his old building from where they were, he knew it was there. “It’s too bad we don’t live close to the water anymore. It was such a short walk.”

“One day,” Mike said, determined to not let invading thoughts of what they’d had, what he’d messed up, destroy his mood. “I miss it, too, but it’s all going to be fine.” He looked back down the beach, putting thoughts of the loft, of walking on the beach and kissing under the stars back when they were first dating from his mind. 

“Now, this running,” Mike mentioned cautiously. “Are we like… _running_ running? How far are you thinking?” He mentally tried to measure the distance between piers and failed miserably. He wasn’t great at judging distance in miles. He was an expert at judging distance in terms of perspective when he was drawing or painting, but actual mileage was something he’d never been able to do. 

Chester brought them to a stop. He’d heard the change in Mike’s tone, and he wanted to fix that before they did anything else. He turned, and slid his arms around Mike’s sides, rubbing soft circles into his t-shirt. “I know everything’s going to be fine,” he said, leaning his head close so Mike could clearly hear him over the sound of the waves behind them. “I didn’t mean anything before. Even if we never get to live by the water again, I’m okay with that. I have a lot of really good memories from when we did, and that’s enough.” He pressed his lips gently to Mike’s beard before he pulled back to catch his dark eyes, which looked a few shades lighter under the sunshine. 

Mike didn’t hesitate to agree. “I do, too. I’m sorry, I just want to give you everything. I want us to have everything we want, and we both loved living close to the water. I was just thinking, yeah, one day. One day we can go back to that. If we want. You never know. We might end up in Alaska or something.” Mike grinned. “Think of all the coats and boots you could buy.” He pulled Chester by the hand as he started walking down the beach again.

“I love you,” Chester stated, “but we’re never moving to Alaska. I’d freeze! Even with all the awesome furry coats, I just don’t think I could do it.” He looked out over the sparkling water, and closed his eyes as he trusted Mike to lead them. He wanted to soak in the California sun he loved so much. The heat that lived in his bones wasn’t something he could ever see moving away from. “Going on vacation to some place like that would be okay. We could go see the polar bears,” he suggested with a full grin, looking over at his lover. “But moving is a different story.” He waited just a second before he said, “You ready to run? Or jog. We can just go until you get tired.” He flipped his free hand out in front of them. “No need to try and hit a certain distance. Not this time, anyway.” 

_Thank goodness._ Mike blew out a breath. “Okay. I’m ready to try.” He looked down the beach, picking out a place in the distance that seemed like a good goal. He pointed ahead and mentioned to Chester, “I’m going to try to make it down to that pier, the one that goes way far out over the water, with that seafood restaurant at the end. Not that we’re eating there,” he confirmed. “I just need a goal.” 

“Seafood pier it is,” Chester agreed easily. He knew in one quick overview that they’d make it to the goal in no time. It would be a short run - or jog - but that was okay. Just the fact that Mike was willing to do this at all meant a lot. “We’ll start slow. You set the pace, Sexy Boy,” Chester said as they let go of each other. “But we need to stretch a little first.” 

It was a quick few minutes of basic stretches that Chester led Mike through. Arms, legs, hamstrings, even their necks. It was just enough to loosen everything up before Chester decided they were ready. True to his word, he let Mike go first, his jog a little awkward at the beginning, but soon he was going at a slow, but steady pace, and Chester was pleased. It felt good to be outside, exercising and getting a full taste of the salty air he loved. He couldn’t help but look over at his boyfriend every few seconds. Mike’s shaggy hair was everywhere, the ocean breeze flipping it in all directions. He didn’t miss the pink color gaining ground on Mike’s cheeks as they went, and he knew it was really going to be an accomplishment for his boyfriend to make it all the way to the pier that had been set as _the goal_.

It didn’t take long for Mike to realize how out of shape he was. It had been a long time since he’d done much exercising, and even when he did, it had always been low impact work in the pool. _Damn. It’s been a long time since I’ve even been swimming. I really should get back into that. Because this sucks._ He kept his eyes focused on the pier he’d picked out, barely paying attention to Chester beside him. From what he could tell, the pace was easy on his boyfriend. Mike felt like his calves might give up on him at any moment. Breathing wasn’t an issue, it was the muscles that he didn’t ever use this way that were fighting him.

It ended up not being so bad. The distance he’d chosen wasn’t terribly long, and the two of them crossed Mike’s imaginary finish line a lot faster than he’d figured. After the first few minutes, his legs had calmed down a bit, and Mike bravely looked over at his boyfriend. “I could go a little more, if you want.” 

It was nice to hear Mike offer, but Chester wasn’t going to push it. He wanted Mike to agree to more beach runs in the future. It was important this first one left a nice memory with his boyfriend, not one of being exhausted or uncomfortable or in pain. “Naw, that was good. And I gotta be careful getting my ankle back up to snuff,” he reminded Mike as he pointed down to his foot. “How about a cool-down walk back instead?” He reached his hand out, and he was happy when Mike took it. “Cooling down is an important part of exercising. You have to let everything settle back into place.” 

Mike was one hundred percent okay with things settling back into place. “Yep, walking is good.” He was actually relieved the running was done for now. It was a small price to pay for the sushi that was coming. He squeezed Chester’s fingers and used his other hand to push his bangs away from his eyes. They walked along silently for a little while, Mike’s breathing returning to normal faster than he expected. _Maybe I’m not too out of shape._ Once he felt better, he tugged Chester’s hand toward the water. “We getting in? Or did you change your mind?” 

Chester cocked his eyebrow. “You ready? I was being nice and letting you catch your breath. But okay.” He didn’t wait. Mike had invited it, and in one quick move, Chester had Mike around the waist, hauling him toward and into the water, the two of them splashing together. “There you go!” Chester shouted playfully, as the water curled around their legs, and then their bottoms as he pulled Mike to the hidden sand under them.

Mike didn’t say anything as he held on to Chester’s sides. His t-shirt was wet and sticking to him, but he didn’t care. The joy on Chester’s face was mesmerizing. With a devilish smile he inched his hands up toward Chester’s armpits, ready to tickle him down into the water and get them both sandy and messy. Chester squirmed, trying to keep his arms down while they wrestled in the water, laughing while Mike tried to assert his dominance.

Splashing in the water was fun. Despite what that meant for Chester’s hair, he didn’t care. It was a sacrifice that was well worth it. He knew that they probably looked like a couple of childish teenagers at the moment, wrestling in the water, but he didn’t care about that either. People could think whatever they wanted. He was having fun - they were having fun - and strangers weren’t going to stop the memory he and Mike were making. 

Chester had a fistfull of Mike’s soaked t-shirt, his other hand playing defense from his boyfriend’s tickling fingers. “You’re awful!” he squealed in delight. They were both on their butts now, and Chester wrapped his legs around Mike’s middle under the water. “But I got you!” 

“How do you always win?” Mike complained around a laugh. It never made sense. He was bigger than Chester, but his boyfriend always, always managed to get the upper hand. He threw his hands up, water spraying everywhere. “I surrender!” he yelled before he threw his arms around Chester’s neck and kissed him, salt water all over their faces. There were so many different textures happening at once - the sand, the water, Chester’s body warm from the sun and slick from the ocean - and Mike was feeling them all as his tongue gently prodded at Chester’s lip ring. There was nothing like kissing Chester, and Mike’s heart was about to explode with the giddiness of just being together.

Chester’s hands were back around Mike’s waist. All the worry from earlier in the day was gone, his mind totally on the present and the man he had himself wrapped around. They kissed under the sun, the waves lazily rolling around them, splashing up their backs. When they finally separated, Chester licked the salt from his lips as he stared into Mike’s wet face, his hair draped over his forehead. “I love you,” he said, one hand dropping to Mike’s ass as he pulled them closer together. “I’m so happy we’re together.”

“I love you, too.” Mike smiled. “Being with you is the very best thing that has ever happened to me, and I mean that.” He leaned his forehead into Chester’s and they sat together and enjoyed the moment. Soon they’d be climbing out of the water and drying off, putting on their clothes for dinner. But for now, Mike just wanted to rest together and take it all in. _I never want to be without him again._ The thought was sharp and sudden, and Mike squeezed Chester close as he silently promised, _never again. I’ll do everything right this time. I swear it, Ches._ He heard Chester sigh as though he’d heard Mike’s thoughts, and he kissed the side of Chester’s face again as they sat together, feeling perfectly content not to move as their giggles subsided.

****

The Sushi Den was packed, and Mike hadn’t missed the opportunity to tease Chester about being the only person in L.A. that didn’t like sushi. They waited twenty minutes for a table, most of that time spent casually touching each other and trying to keep it from being obvious to the other patrons. It was just one more fun aspect to their afternoon, and by the time they sat down to order, Mike was flushed in the cheeks again - and this time it wasn’t from running. Being close always left him a little breathless and turned on. 

He looked across the menu at Chester and had to laugh at the concerned look on his boyfriend’s face. Mike knew he was having a hard time finding something to eat. “You know, if you wanted to be brave, you could try a California roll,” Mike suggested, leaning over to point at the description. “It’s not fish. It’s crab meat. And avocado, and cucumber. There’s nothing funky, and no raw fish. Well, the only thing is the nori. The seaweed,” he corrected. “But it’s really thin, it’s just on the outside, holding it all together. You don’t have to eat that part if you don’t want, you could use a fork and just eat the insides.” The thought of Chester actually eating sushi was exciting, but he wouldn’t be disappointed if all he wanted was a salad. “Or, there’s always soup.” 

“Sorry, Sexy Boy. I’m not using all my courage today on sushi. Soup and salad will be good.” He wiggled his eyebrows at his boyfriend before he shifted his menu around and pointed to what he wanted. “Just in case the waiter shows up before I get back. I gotta pee. And I need to wash my hands. I’ve still got sand under my nails,” he whined softly, picking at his well manicured fingernails for a moment, and then he was up, sliding out of the booth to head for the restroom. 

Mike watched him go, admiring Chester’s small ass before he looked back at the menu. He couldn’t decide what he wanted. Usually he got the salmon roll, but tuna was sounding like a good change of pace. He kept looking down the column of choices and his eyes hit a lobster roll. Mike stopped and shook his head, the instant thought of Jason and having sushi downtown hitting him from nowhere. The memory was one he hadn’t recalled until this moment, and he analyzed it for a second, wondering what in the hell he’d been thinking when he shared that meal with Jason. _God, all of that was so wrong. I didn’t even see it happening. And after all of that, all he had to do was mention school and I was ready to give all of this up. Everything with Chester, for something I can do myself. Well, I think I can do it myself._

He decided on the tuna, a variety that had no connection to that day with Jason, and sat back in his chair, sipping his water. _I wish I’d get that email. I had a good audition. I know I did. I felt it. Everything was going my way that day. I just hope it’s good enough to get the money we need to make it all work. I don’t want Ches to work two jobs just so we can make ends meet. It will be a long four years if I didn’t play well enough to get some scholarships._ He had done a good job not fretting about his acceptance all day, but now Mike patted over his pocket in habit. He was surprised to feel his phone there, when he’d meant to leave it at home to avoid the temptation of checking it every few minutes. 

“Stupid phone,” he muttered, digging it out to check his email. There still wasn’t anything from the USC Music department, and he stuffed it back into this pocket and leaned both elbows on the table, looking down at the worn wooden top. Now that he knew it was there, he’d have to really concentrate on not pulling it out again. 

Chester didn’t miss the look of disappointment on his boyfriend’s face when he slid back in across from him. “What’s wrong? Did they run out of what you wanted?” he guessed, as he looked around. Every table was full, and the wait staff was rushing trying to get to all of them. The kitchen running out of a certain dish wouldn’t be far fetched. 

Mike looked up. “No, I haven’t even ordered yet. They’re busy,” he added, looking around. “I had my phone, even though I meant to leave it at Amir’s, and I couldn’t help it. I checked my email again. Nothing.” He knew he didn’t need to explain what he was looking for. Chester knew exactly how many times a day he looked for that USC acceptance. 

“I’m sorry,” Chester said, before he reached across the table. “Here, give me your phone. I’ll keep it so you won’t be tempted to look again.” He tossed his lover a playful look. “And then when we get home, you’ll have to pay a sexy fee to get it back.” 

“A sexy fee?” Mike echoed, his ears perking at the new term. Chester had never mentioned a sexy fee before. He smiled as he placed his phone in Chester’s hand. “I love how your mind works, you know that? Just when I think I’ve got you figured out, you throw something new at me. A sexy fee.” He giggled under his breath, trying to imagine what Chester was talking about.

Chester was quick to stash Mike’s phone away in his opposite pocket. “Yes. A sexy fee. But until then, your phone is mine.” He wrinkled his nose at Mike, just as the waiter came to their table. They both ordered, and Chester had to admit he liked the way Mike was able to pronounce things off the menu without stumbling. _Not like me. I screw up the words every single time we come here._

Once they were alone again, Chester curled both hands around his glass of water. It was cool to the touch, and it came with a bendy straw, so that was another plus. “They probably won’t email you on a Saturday anyway, I wouldn’t think,” he offered, not really meaning to bring school back up. “I bet you’ll hear from them Monday.” 

“Probably not,” Mike agreed. He reached up and started playing with his earring. “I keep telling myself it’s not a big deal. If I don’t get in for the fall, I can audition again for the spring. I just, I really want this. I know it’s not perfect, and it doesn’t solve our apartment problems, but I’m so ready, Ches. I’m ready to focus on this and prove I can do it.” He blew out a long breath and looked at Chester. “I used to feel so down on myself for not trying harder to get in after high school. It was such a crappy time, with my parents bailing out and me trying to survive L.A. I let some opportunities pass, and then I was working and school just fell by the wayside. I was so unhappy with that but trying to be okay with just teaching lessons, wondering why it was all turning out the way it was… and then I met you.”

Mike let go of his earring and reached across the table for Chester’s hand. “I never would have met you if I’d been in school, you know that? I didn’t realize that for a while, until after we got serious, really. Sometime after we became boyfriends and before I knew about YRS, I realized I wouldn’t have met you if I’d been in a practice room all day and studying all night. So the timing wasn’t right. I think I’ve decided that everything needed to go the way it has for this to happen now, and I hope I’m right. I hope this is it, and things are all going in the right direction finally, with you here and maybe school in August. I’m hoping I’ve finally figured it out.” He squeezed Chester’s hand. “You believe in stuff like that, right? That things happen for a reason?” 

Chester stayed quiet for a minute, his gaze lost in Mike’s hopeful dark eyes. There were a lot of things that had happened to him over the course of his 23 years. There were a lot of low points, and things he wished he could go back and change or simply erase from his history. But there was a lot of good, too, and he knew that they worked together somehow. 

Chester nodded slowly. “I believe in that. I want you to get in,” he stated, even though it wasn’t necessary. “I think it’s awesome you’re going after your dream, even if it’s not till now. It’s never too late to start. Did I ever tell you that Forrest was homeless before he started Score? He was living in one of the shelters for almost a year before he got a second chance at doing something with his life.” 

Mike cocked his head to the side. “No. I didn’t know that.” He knew that Forrest was successful now, and it was one more boost to Mike’s mood. “So see? Maybe the bad things happen so that better things will come. He took a bad situation and made something good out of it.” 

“He really did. He doesn’t show it though, which I really like. He’s not like Mark. You could see Mark’s money coming from a hundred miles away. He flashed it every-fucking-where. But Forrest isn’t like that at all. He owns his house in L.A. and it’s like this normal place. He’s got a second house up in Washington somewhere. I’ve never seen it, but he talks about it like it’s a cabin in the woods,” Chester laughed. “I can’t imagine Forrest living in a cabin, but he goes up there when L.A. drives him crazy.”

“It sounds nice.” Mike skipped right over the mention of Mark and let his imagination pull up a remote cabin, tucked away in the Pacific Northwest, with all the beautiful mountains and trees around it. “I wonder what it’s like to have a second home,” he mused aloud. “We can’t even get our own apartment yet, and people have two houses.” It wasn’t a foreign concept to him. His parents had money, and if he’d followed their plan for his life, he wouldn’t be worrying about where to live now. But he didn’t follow their plan, and he’d come to realize that money wasn’t everything, though it sure made some stuff easier. 

“I know,” Chester agreed easily. “If you get to live on campus, like you mentioned before, then that would almost be like we had our own place. I could pretend like I lived there, anyway.” He dropped his eyes for just a second before looking up at his boyfriend. “Do they really keep track of who lives where? Maybe they wouldn’t notice me.” 

The waiter came to drop off their plates before Mike could respond. He moved his napkin to his lap and thanked him for Chester’s soup and salad, and his ahi tuna nigiri, before he glanced at Chester’s face. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep all the raw fish over here,” he teased. “And yeah, to answer your question, they assign rooms and apartments and stuff. I’ll be an undergrad but I’ll be past undergrad age, so maybe I’ll get into one of the small apartments instead of having to live in the dorms. _If_ I get some housing money.” He waved his hand in the air like he was shooing away a fly. “I don’t think they come check on you at night or anything, like camp. But I’m sure there’s some sort of rules. Probably stuff like no girls overnight, stuff like that.” Mike wiggled his eyebrows as he picked up his tuna roll with his fingers. “Good thing you’re not a girl.”

“I’m definitely _not_ a girl,” Chester said as he spooned a massive chunk of tofu out of his Miso soup. “Do you see this?” he asked, showing off the white glob. “I almost enjoy this crap at this point, I eat so much of it at work. I’m just waiting for the day when Forrest tells me I’m shooting pictures for a tofu ad. I’ll have to make tofu look sexy and then I’m not sure what I’ll do with my life. I’ll be the Sexy Tofu Boy and I’m not sure I want that reputation.” He smiled as Mike chuckled and rolled his eyes. Getting his boyfriend to laugh was always at the top of Chester’s to do list, and he felt a slip of accomplishment cross his stomach before he swallowed down the bite of tofu. He wiped his mouth easily with his napkin as his mind shifted gears back to college and apartments. “And I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble by staying the night. Oh my god!” he gasped suddenly. “If you end up in the dorms, you’ll have a roommate that isn’t me!” It was a shocking thought. Chester’s mouth dropped open, one hand clawed to his v-neck shirt. 

“Chester.” The tuna roll stopped on its way to Mike’s mouth. “Stop panicking. I can ask to be alone. It costs more, but they have private rooms and apartments. I won’t be with anyone else.” He wanted to say _I think we’ve all learned that lesson well_ but he stopped himself.

It was a scary couple of seconds, but Chester managed to get himself under control. He wanted Mike to do whatever was necessary to make it through his school, but it was still an uneasy thought to think of someone else sleeping only a few feet away from his boyfriend every night. “Sorry,” he whispered, before taking a long drink of water. “I didn’t mean to freak out. I’m still trying to understand how it will work out. I’ve never been to college before. I’ve never even been to one to visit.” 

Mike had grown up with the expectation he’d go to college. He’d visited campuses with his parents, and he had a fair idea of how things worked. He’d also spent many hours researching options since he’d moved into Joe’s and decided to do this on his own. “I know it’s all new to you. But, babe, I’m not going to do the roommate thing. Either I’ll get enough money to have my own room, or you and I will have to figure something out off campus.” He pressed his lips together for a second, debating whether to say the other thing he’d been thinking, before he finally shook his head and looked Chester straight in the eyes. “I’m not ever going to let anyone into my space again. I told you that earlier, and I mean it. It’s me and you, Ches, that’s how I want it. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” 

Chester smiled. It was nice to hear Mike’s reassuring words, and Chester was determined to believe them. If they were going to work, if they were going to truly move forward as a couple, he had to believe when Mike promised him he was the only one. “That makes me feel better,” he admitted. “And it might not be so bad if you have to live off campus with me. We’ll figure it out, just like you said.”

“We’ll make it work,” Mike assured him, then finally took a bite of his dinner. “Mmmm,” he hummed, closing his eyes to enjoy the taste he so rarely got to experience. The Sushi Den was a favorite of his, and tonight the rice and fish concoction was on point. He took his time, savoring the first chunk, and then popped his eyes open to find Chester staring at him. “You’re the best for coming here, you know that? Thanks, babe.” 

“You’re welcome,” Chester answered simply before slurping a brothy noodle from his spoon. “It’s not as bad as I like to pretend. Besides, seeing that look on your face is priceless.” He nudged Mike’s foot under the table. “I like doing things that make you happy.”

Mike nudged Chester’s foot back. “It’s been a great day. And there’s still coffee and cupcakes to go,” he chirped, completely satisfied with how their day was turning out. He scooped up another tuna roll and grinned at Chester. “And the sexy fee. Don’t forget about that.” 

Chester had to laugh. “Trust me, Sexy Boy, I will _not_ forget about the sexy fee. Your phone is mine until you pay up.” He leaned forward, giving his lover his best tough face before he busted back into a grin. “And it has been a great day. Are you staying over tonight?” he asked hopefully. Even though Mike stayed over almost every night that wasn’t a _Ryan night_, Chester still asked each day, just to make sure. 

All the laughter stopped as Mike caught Chester’s eyes again. “If you want me, Ches, I’m all yours. There’s nowhere else I want to sleep than next to you.” The smile Chester gave him stopped Mike’s heart with its brilliance. _Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we go through the bad to get to the good. I’m not going to fuck this up._ Mike motioned to Chester’s soup and then picked up another bite of sushi. “Let’s finish this up so we can get dessert and go home,” he declared softly, ready to get back to a place where it was just the two of them again in their own private bubble. 

****

TBC


	50. Cheeseburgers

The salad and Miso soup had been good, and Chester even admitted that to his boyfriend, along with a promise that they’d go back to the Sushi Den sooner than later. But all in all, the chunks of tofu, noodles, and salad hadn’t been enough to satisfy the appetite Chester had worked up. After worrying over Ryan, the run on the beach, and all the energy put into splashing around and wrestling with Mike in the ocean, Chester was hungry. So hungry that dessert ended up being two cups of an endulgent caramel flavored iced coffee and three double chocolate cupcakes with butterscotch filling and whipped cream icing on top.

It all equalled a bit too much sugar, and by the time they got back to Amir’s, Chester couldn’t sit still and his mouth seemed unable to stop. “I’ve actually thought about color coding my closet,” he told Mike, who was watching from the bed as Chester walked in and out of the closet. He was supposed to be gathering pajamas for their shower, but he hadn’t been able to concentrate long enough to do that yet. “And not just my shirts, but my pants and my shoes and maybe even my belts. My belts, Sexy Boy, I could hang them up with everything else in their color group. Would it be weird? I think that might be weird,” he suddenly decided, shaking his head and walking back into the closet. “I don’t even know why I’m in here. I have zero pajamas in here. And I know you’ve never showered with me here before, but Amir’s shower is smaller than the one at the loft, so we’ll have to be extra careful. And I think I still have sand in my hair from the beach!” 

He shot back out of the closet to stand at the end of the bed, his eyes wide as he stared at Mike’s relaxed position. “Sand! I think I’ve had sand in my hair all day! The outdoor showers at the beach are trash! They need to upgrade them! Think of people’s hair!” 

Mike quickly slid off the bed and stepped over to take Chester in his arms. “I think you’ve had too much sugar,” Mike said gently, holding him close and petting his hands over Chester’s back. “I don’t think that the beach showers are meant to be amazing. I probably have sand in my hair, too. And we can be careful in the shower, Ches. It’s all going to be fine.” He wasn’t exactly sure why Chester was having a meltdown, but he could feel his boyfriend clinging to him and Mike turned his lips into Chester’s neck for a sweet kiss. “I think you’re adorable with sand in your hair.” 

Chester’s insides were zipping, but Mike holding him close seemed to help calm everything down by a notch. “No one looks good with sand in their hair,” he said, “but thanks for saying it.” He shut his eyes, and tried to concentrate on breathing, on feeling Mike’s arms around him. “I think you’re right about the sugar. I’m jumping inside. I’m a grown man. You would think I would know better than to do this!” 

He pulled away and stepped back, his hands fidgeting. “I think I need some water and then we can shower and I need clothes. Pajamas. We didn’t stop at your place for your pajamas,” he remembered, thinking back to the conversation earlier that day. “I wish my clothes were bigger so you wouldn’t be uncomfortable in them. I need to make space for you in my dresser.” 

He spun around, and two seconds later he had all four of the drawers open, scanning the contents. “We can put your stuff here,” he suggested quickly, pulling out two armfulls of muscle shirts, of every color of the rainbow. “I can move these, and this can be your space,” he told Mike. He wasn’t sure why, but it seemed really important that his boyfriend knew there was room for him, even in the single bedroom that Chester called home. 

Mike watched Chester with his hand over his mouth, lost between wanting to reassure his boyfriend and wanting to giggle. It was all outrageous, but also sweet. “It’s perfect, Ches, thank you. I don’t have anything to put there now, but I will. And how about this? So you don’t have to worry about me being uncomfortable, I’ll only wear your clothes from the shower to the bed… and then I’ll just be naked for the rest of the night. See?” He said, his voice cheerful as though he’d just come up with the answer to world peace. “Problem solved.” 

Chester nodded slowly, before he shook his head no. “Well, I don’t want you to be naked alone,” he stressed before he yelled, “Aha! I got it! I’ll be naked, too!” His finger was pointed straight up, his arm raised, like he was making a great declaration. “We’ll be naked together, forget the clothes! Well, not forget them. I didn’t mean that,” he whispered to the muscle shirts cradled in his arms. “You’re important.” 

He looked up at Mike, his mind suddenly coming down. “Am I talking to my clothes? Oh, God, I’m losing it.” He turned away, and marched into the closet. “I’ll put these in here and then we need some water. I feel like my insides are all dried up. Fuck, that sounds gross, but my tongue feels funny.” He slapped his lips together, sticking his tongue in and out as he carefully sat his shirts on top of one of his meticulously packed boxes. He patted them for good measure, like they were a dog and he was telling them, ‘good boy’. 

He turned around to see Mike in the doorway of the closet. “Water and then showers and then naked in bed all night,” Chester said as he pressed his hands down the front of his v-neck. “And the sexy fee. That will be a lot easier if you’re naked, so we’re winning on all sides!” A grin popped across Chester’s lips. Everything felt jumbled, but it also felt like they were closer to taking showers now than they were five minutes ago. Weren’t they?

“Come on, babe,” Mike coaxed, holding out his hand for Chester to take. “Water, then showers, then naked in bed,” he repeated slowly. “Remind me never to let you eat three cupcakes again.” He led Chester out of the closet and into the kitchen. “I don’t know how much water it takes to offset the amount of sugar you’ve had, but we’re gonna get there, together.” 

He filled a glass with water and handed it over. “Drink up.”

Chester leaned his butt against the counter and crossed his legs. He took a long, slow drink of the water. It felt good. He was pretty sure he still had bits of gooey chocolate cake on his teeth, and the water was helping to wash that away. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed to say. He let out a long exhale, like he was short of breath. “I know not to take in that much sugar all at once. There’s probably something wrong with me. I need to see a doctor about it, maybe.” That was a depressing thought, and Chester sent it away. He didn’t want to mess up their evening by thinking about blood sugar levels and what that may or may not mean. “Or maybe I’m just super sensitive to it,” he decided before he took another large gulp of water, which really seemed to be helping. “And where are Amir and Noah? I haven’t seen them all day. Well, we haven’t been here,” he added. “But still. Maybe Amir is out job hunting. I hope he finds something. Not being able to list the last few years of your work history on your application is tough.”

Before Mike could answer, Chester was done with his water and setting his glass in the sink. “Come on, Sexy Boy, let’s go find pajamas so we can take them off after the shower. I’d like to get in and out _before_ Romeo and Juliet get home.” 

This time it only took a few seconds for Chester to find suitable pajamas, and then they were on their way to the bathroom. Mike was already wiggling out of Chester’s camo pants when the door shut behind them. It had been a wonderful - but long - day, and he couldn’t wait to get in the shower and then climb into bed. He looked over at the shower. Chester was right. It was smaller than what they were used to being in together, but it had been a while. Mike wasn’t going to be picky. The simple thought of running the sponge over his boyfriend’s back and kissing him under the warm water seemed like the perfect end to a perfect day.

“Want me to turn on the water? Or you got it?” Mike’s boxers landed in the heap of clothes mingled together on the floor, and before he’d even finished asking, Chester was turning on the water. Mike leaned over to look at himself in the mirror. There _was_ sand in his hair, but it didn’t bother him. “We _are_ a mess,” he confirmed. “Getting clean is going to feel so good.” 

“I hate being dirty,” Chester affirmed as he held his hand under the shower stream. “It’s good. Go ahead in first.” He bowed toward the tub/shower combo. He stepped to the side so Mike could get by, the two of them doing a bit of a dance just to get around each other. Chester smiled the moment he saw Mike’s bare ass cheeks. “Sexy Boy,” he cooed, before slapping a playful hand toward his lover’s backside. “It’s been a long time since we’ve gotten to do this. I’ve always loved our showers together. And my bath poof is in there, so it won’t feel totally strange to you.” 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Mike said just as the water hit his skin. “It’s probably a good thing this shower isn’t very big.” He turned, letting the warm spray hit him while he made room for Chester. “Come on. Let me get that sand off you.” 

Mike backed up a step and let his boyfriend slide in next to him. Their bodies were close in the smaller space, and he only had to lift his hand to brush over the top of Chester’s hair. “Here, get under the water and lean your head back. Let me help.”

Chester let himself be maneuvered around. They were careful as they traded places, and Chester got under the warm water. He put his head back, and smiled with his eyes closed as Mike flexed his fingers through the short blonde mohawk. He felt the shampoo next, the clean smell hitting him in the best way. “I’m doing your hair next. It will take longer though, since you have five times as much hair as I do.” 

Mike giggled, low and soft. “I do have a lot of hair now.” He smoothed his thumb over Chester’s forehead, making sure the shampoo bubbles didn’t slide into his eyes. It was relaxing, and he was enjoying rubbing his fingers all over Chester’s head. He made sure to massage his scalp as he got the little bit of hair there clean. “Okay,” he said just loud enough to be heard over the spray of the shower, “let’s rinse.”

It was quick work, and Chester made sure to plop a soaking wet kiss to Mike’s face as they traded places. Chester took the bottle of shampoo and squeezed a massive blob into his hand. “Extra shampoo for you, Sexy Boy,” he teased before lathering it into Mike’s hair. “This is a two handed job.” He made sure every inch of Mike’s black hair was saturated before he slid his hands down along Mike’s jawline. “Got to get this magnificent beard of yours sand free, too.” 

Mike’s hands went out to Chester’s hips to hold himself steady. “You might need to get closer,” he said, cracking an eye open to look at his boyfriend. “To inspect my beard for sand.” He savored the feeling of Chester’s hands in his hair. It would be easy to stay in the shower until the hot water ran out, running their hands all over each other. Mike leaned in for a kiss as Chester moved his hands into the back of his hair. He could taste the water on Chester’s lips and a twist of anticipation hit his stomach. The shampooing seemed to be forgotten as they pulled each other closer under the warm water. 

Chester slowly dropped his hands from Mike’s soapy head, down to his neck and shoulders. He could feel Mike’s muscles, and the way his neck stretched as they moved. He rubbed his fingers into the spot at the base of Mike’s skull, and then down a little, and he felt Mike hum into their kiss. The slippery shampoo was a perfect lubricant to let fingers and other body parts slip and slide over each other with ease. 

Another few seconds drifted by before Chester broke their kiss. He smiled at the way the shampoo had colored Mike’s dark hair lighter while the bubbles slowly disappeared. “I think I see a glimpse of an older you. White beard, and all. You’d make a great Santa Claus,” he laughed as he playfully tugged on the front of Mike’s beard. “Sexy Claus.” 

A burst of laughter came from Mike. “Sexy Claus. You’re a mess,” he giggled, shaking his wet hair back from his face. Shampoo went flying as his hair slapped back against his forehead. “I’ll always be your Sexy Claus,” he husked playfully, wiggling his hips and going in for a nip and a kiss to Chester’s neck. He got a mouthful of shampoo bubbles and pulled back, making a face. “Yuck!”

Chester couldn’t help it. He laughed so hard he had to put a hand on Mike’s chest to keep himself steady. “I think we need to hurry this up and get in bed,” he suggested, and Mike was quick to agree. It was an easy decision, and in no time they had soaped down every part of each other and then happily rinsed it all away. 

Chester let Mike get out first while he turned off the water and hung his bath poof back up in its place. The bathroom was suddenly quiet, and Chester shivered from the loss of the hot water on his skin as he carefully stepped out and grabbed his towel. “When we get back to our room, you owe me a sexy fee, don’t forget,” he told his boyfriend before scrubbing the clean towel over his head. “And fuck, I DO feel a ton better. Like, all over.” He let out a hard breath. Even his insides felt calmer, the sugar overload from before faded from the hot shower. 

“Me too.” Mike stuck his tongue out, trying to get the lingering taste of shampoo out of his mouth. He carefully dried his hair, making sure there were no strands left dripping, then wrapped his towel around his waist. “If it’s okay with you, I’m just gonna wear this back to the room. No need to stuff myself into your pants.”

“Doesn’t bother me at all,” Chester answered as he stood in front of the mirror, poking his fingers through his damp mohawk. It was so close to the color of sand that he wanted to make double sure it was squeaky clean. “I’ll be your personal waiter all night so you don’t have to leave the bedroom. Whatever you need, I’ll be on the job. Water, food, coffee,” he rambled as he flipped through reasons Mike would need to go out into the rest of the apartment, which would require getting dressed. He glanced at Mike’s reflection in the mirror and smiled. Mike’s towel-dried hair was all over the place - covering his eyes, forehead and curling around his ears. 

Chester sucked in his piercing, just admiring the man he loved so much for a second. His muscle memory told him what Mike’s beard felt like under his fingers, how soft his skin was and the texture of Mike’s little round nipples. There was a thin patch of hair just under the small of Mike’s back that led to his ass, hair that had grown a little darker over the last year, and then there was the shape of his lover’s shoulders, which were slightly broader than when they first met. His boyfriend was getting older - they both were - and it was a good feeling to know that he was going to get to be around to see all the ways Mike Shinoda would grow and change in the future. _But he’ll always be my Sexy Boy. Even when we’re sixty-five._

“I wish we had ice cream for in bed,” Chester mentioned before he narrowed his eyes at that thought. “But I guess that’s more sugar. Oh, frozen yogurt!” He spun around from the mirror. “I buy that rainbow sherbet stuff for Noah, which isn’t frozen yogurt, but it’s not ice cream either. Noah says it’s good because it’s his favorite color,” he said with a light chuckle. 

“Chessss,” Mike warned teasingly, “no more sugar, babe.” He tucked the end of his towel in and bit down on his bottom lip. “Besides, that rainbow sherbet stuff is gross. There’s lots better stuff out there.” He opened the bathroom door to let the steam out and lightly skimmed his fingers down Chester’s bare back. “Anyway, I’m not in the mood for that. For once, I think… I think I’m full. That last cupcake pushed me over the edge.”

Chester had barely managed to get his underwear pulled on before his mouth dropped open. “You’re full?” He wasn’t sure what to think of that. Mike Shinoda being full was on the same level as hell freezing over or pigs flying. “Well...I’m speechless. You see that? You’ve left me speechless. God, take me to bed, Sexy Boy, I’m done.” He stuck his hand out for Mike to take.

The words _take me to bed_ caused the thought to cross Mike’s mind that he wished he could pick Chester up and carry him. He knew he could lift Chester off the ground, but that was as far as he would get. Instead he laced his fingers into Chester’s and pulled him close, taking his lips in a sensual kiss that was all desire before he whispered into his boyfriend’s mouth, “that’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m _so_ ready to pay my sexy fee, and _not_ so I can have my phone back.

He didn’t wait for a response. He pulled Chester along to the bedroom, leaving all of the clothes and pajamas in the bathroom behind them without a single thought. All that mattered at the moment was getting Chester into bed the way he’d requested, and Mike was focused on the goal, getting them into the bedroom and shutting the door behind them with one foot. They were just steps from dropping down on the bed together when Mike froze, pulling his hand free to scratch at his beard. “Before I forget - the sexy fee. Tell me what I owe you,” he begged, his other hand clutching at his towel. 

“Aw yes, my fee,” Chester said in his best evil villain voice. He even stroked his naked chin for extra emphasis. “I have a few ideas in mind. Keeping your phone all day has been hard work. You’ve got to pay up.” He smiled as he sat down on the bed in only his peach colored underwear. He scooted himself back against his pillows, his hands in his lap. “How about you go over there,” he said, pointing toward the bottom of the bed, and right in front of his closet doors, “and dance for me. I figured you would have more clothes to take off, but I think you can get creative with the towel.” 

Mike made a face. “Dance? Aw, Ches, you know I’m not a good dancer.” He rolled his eyes at the don’t-care-dance-for-me face Chester gave him, giving in immediately. With slow, deliberate steps, Mike turned to the foot of the bed, pausing before he turned around to shake his hips side to side. He felt a little ridiculous, but he could hear Chester’s soft giggle behind him, and it was all the encouragement he needed.

He turned around, one hand holding tightly to his towel while he leaned his head back and ran his other hand up his chest, and then back down. Mike peeked at his boyfriend through his lashes and then gave an exaggerated sigh, letting his towel go as he started to shift his hips in a dance that only felt a little awkward. “How’s this for dancing?” he asked, knowing that if the roles were reversed Chester would already be naked, and probably throwing the towel at him. 

Chester glanced to the side. Both of their cell phones were on the nightstand. In one quick swoop, he grabbed Mike’s, and then was up on his knees, staying up by the pillows. “You’re doing great, Sexy Boy. I got your phone,” he teased, waving it back and forth. “Come on and dance for it.” He stuck his tongue out, letting it roll over his lip ring while he bounced just a little on his knees, Mike’s phone pressed to his naked chest.

“I need dancing lessons.” Mike smiled at Chester, then turned around, backing up a little as he shook his ass in his boyfriend’s direction. He could feel the towel about to fall, and he wasn’t going to stop it from going. He figured he’d earn sexy points the moment it dropped to the floor. He laughed when Chester cat-called him, and then the towel fell as Mike turned around swaying, both arms up with his fingers laced at the back of his head. “Ooops,” he called out, much closer to Chester than he had been a minute ago. “I’m all naked!” 

Chester’s eyes widened, his lips parting. “Fuck, yeah you are.” He was still up on his knees, and he wiggled himself closer, making it halfway down the bed. “Is it against the rules to touch the dancers?” he asked, his free hand reaching out like he was going to grab at Mike’s skin if he was allowed. 

They’d been teasing and flirting all night, and Mike wasn’t in the mood to keep up the charade. “This is a private show,” he husked, shimmying closer. “You can do whatever you want.” 

Chester tossed Mike’s phone on the bed. “I want both hands free then.” He was on his hands and knees, crawling the rest of the way to meet Mike where he was. He looked up, their eyes meeting before Chester slid one finger down Mike’s front, from his right nipple to just under his belly button. He leaned forward and plopped a kiss right above Mike’s cock. “Consider your sexy fee paid.” 

Mike felt his insides jump when Chester’s lips met his skin. “Best fee I ever paid,” he said, reaching out to touch Chester’s head and shoulders. His skin was warm, despite not having on any clothes. Mike wanted to kiss him all over, but he’d have to get them on the bed first - and Chester wasn’t moving.

“Best fee I’ve ever collected,” Chester mumbled before he kissed Mike again, and then he dropped his head lower. He rubbed his nose, lips, and his piercing lightly over the top of Mike’s dick, and he smiled when it jumped to life. “Hellllo,” Chester whispered to it as he kissed it properly, making sure to wet his lips and add a bit of tongue. French kissing Mike’s penis was a favorite of his. 

Chester balanced himself between his knees and one hand, his other hand was on Mike’s hip as he lapped at Mike’s shaft, and then his mushroom head. He spent only a few seconds, getting everything warm and wet as Mike’s length grew, and then Chester took his tip into his mouth. He pushed his tongue against Mike’s sensitive places, and pulled back to put pressure on the ring around his head. He pressed the ball of his lip ring up underneath, and he heard Mike moan from up above him. 

One of Mike’s hands clutched onto Chester’s shoulder, the other one petted at the top of Chester’s head. Mike hadn’t been expecting things to go this way, but he wasn’t complaining. He loved the feel of Chester’s mouth around him, and the extra bit of excitement the lip ring brought. His eyes were closed and he was already breathing through his mouth when his chin dropped down to his chest. They’d been dancing around each other all day, touching, kissing, and flirting, and already his knees were feeling shaky though Chester hadn’t been sucking him for very long. “Mmmm, Ches, that feels so good.” 

Chester was on a mission. The impulse to grab his boyfriend and pleasure him for the short dance had hit. There was no turning back now, not unless Mike asked him to stop. He took his hand from Mike’s hip, and after licking it a few good times, he wrapped it around the base of Mike’s cock. He didn’t wait, or look up for permission. If Mike wanted him to stop, he’d say so. 

Chester started again, this time slipping his mouth and his hand up and down Mike’s dick in unison, to simulate what he couldn’t do with his throat. He pushed it in deep, and pulled back only enough to bring his palm up to meet Mike’s mushroom head, before repeating the process. He could feel his lover shaking. He felt each small buck of Mike’s hips and the way his nails were pressing into his shoulder. It would be seconds, not minutes, and Chester was after his boyfriend’s offering. 

Mike didn’t even try to hold back. There wasn’t a single part of him that wanted to stop. In his mind, they had enjoyed a perfect day together, and this unexpected blow job was the perfect ending. They knew each other well enough that there was no reason to declare that his orgasm was near - Mike knew that Chester could read his body like a book, and there would be no surprises. All he could muster was a low moan as Chester gave the final suck to his cock that pushed him over the edge, his grip tightening for a moment when he felt the cum rush from his balls into his lover’s eager mouth. Mike struggled to keep his legs under him for the moments that they wanted to collapse, holding on to Chester to stay upright. The waves of pleasure were powerful but quick, and Mike felt drained as his hips stopped moving and Chester pulled back to swallow. “Fuck, Ches,” he mumbled, his hand feeling over his boyfriend’s hair. “Fuck.” 

Chester sat back on his knees, wiping his mouth. He took a second, swallowing away the feeling but not the taste before he was back up on his knees. He wrapped his arms around Mike’s neck. “I told you I was going to be your waiter tonight.” He smiled as he brushed Mike’s hair from his eyes. “I know you didn’t ask for an orgasm, so that one was on the house.” He pressed a soft kiss to his lover’s lips before he let him go, and fell back onto the bed, onto his butt with a yawn.

There was no thought. Mike followed him down to the bed, falling on his stomach next to Chester and looping an arm over his waist. “God, give me a minute. My legs are still shaking,” he mumbled into the mattress, his face smashed into the blankets. He’d recover, then it was going to be Chester’s turn. Mike just needed a moment to catch his breath, and then it was on. He dug his hand up under Chester’s side and pulled himself a little closer. “I love you.” 

“Mhm. You better,” Chester laughed. His eyes were closed, his mind lost in enjoying the moment. The very present of making his boyfriend feel good, of the closeness between them that he cherished. “I love you, too,” he finally added, his hand lazily drifting up and down Mike’s back. “I think I’m finally getting tired. We should sleep in tomorrow.” 

“Oh, yes.” Mike turned his chin out of the blanket to say more, to tell Chester just how in favor of sleeping all day he was, when he heard the chime of an email notification from his phone. For weeks the sound of that chime had made his heart pound in a combination of anxiety and excitement, and this time was no different. Despite feeling worn out seconds ago, Mike untangled his arm from Chester and pushed up on both hands, looking around the bed. “That was my phone, babe, where did you put it?” 

Chester picked his head up. “I put it on the bed. I think you’re laying on it,” he laughed as he poked Mike on his side.

Mike sat all the way up and turned both directions before he located the lost phone, folded into the blankets he’d messed up when he laid down. “It’s my email,” he stated unnecessarily, unlocking his phone and tapping the email app. His eyes widened as he looked at the sender - University of Southern California Thornton School of Music - and he clicked the new email immediately. His heart was pounding in his ears. This was the email he’d been waiting on for weeks, and now that it had arrived, he was terrified. After everything that had happened, and the long road he took to get to this moment, all Mike Shinoda wanted was validation that he was good enough.

He could feel Chester beside him, completely still and waiting while he read the first line of the email. Then the second. Then he scrolled, and kept scrolling, his mouth falling open as he read every last word of the lengthy email. No, it was more than an email. It was an acceptance letter, complete with all the financial details.

Mike scrolled back to the top and double checked before he could let himself believe what he was reading. The email was one hundred percent without a doubt addressed to Michael Kenji Shinoda, and he shook his head before he looked down at Chester. He didn’t have words immediately, but he was aware of his nakedness and a crazy part of his brain thought, _this is all happening, and in ten years I’ll remember I was naked when I got this email._

Chester wasn’t sure what to make of the look on his boyfriend’s face. It seemed to be a cross between shock and confusion, with some uneasiness tossed in. “What is it, Sexy Boy?” Chester asked. At first he figured it was one more false alarm, but when Mike didn’t answer, Chester felt the seriousness behind whatever was in the email. _He got it. He got the letter from his school._

Chester sat up, and leaned over, trying to see the phone between them, but the screen had already gone black. He slipped his hand gently down his lover’s arm. “Mike? What’s it say?” 

The shock had definitely not worn off yet. Mike half-laughed and shook his head again. “I got in, Ches. They want me to come to school there. I got into USC.” He looked at Chester and sort of laughed again. It didn’t seem real. After all of this time, he was going to get to go to college. 

“That’s great!” Chester shouted, his arms going all the way around Mike as he kissed him square on the side of his head. “Mike, that’s awesome! I knew you’d get in! I always knew you would!” 

The phone was still in Mike’s hand, but he didn’t let it go as he wrapped his arms around Chester in return. “It’s crazy! Like, I wanted so much for this to happen but I tried not to be too excited just in case I didn’t make it in. But now, now it’s going to happen! It’s really going to happen!” Mike pressed a whole bunch of excited kisses all over Chester’s face, laughing between each one.

“It IS going to happen,” Chester seconded as he giggled through Mike’s kisses. “Tell me what it says,” he stated, pressing his hands to Mike’s chest to get him to calm down. “Does it say anything about your scholarship?” Chester sucked in his piercing. Mike getting in was good - it was great - but money was still a question hanging in the air. If there was no scholarship, they’d have to come up with a way to pay for it. _And housing. Just because he got in, that doesn’t mean he’ll get to live there._

Mike’s kisses stopped, and he shook his head again. There was so much to comprehend, and so many emotions. He could feel the smile popping off his face, but he could also feel the threat of tears coming. It was all so overwhelming. 

He put a little space between them, pulling back enough to be able to look directly into Chester’s eyes. “I need to read it again, but I think… I’m pretty sure… I think I’m getting a full ride, Ches. That means everything. My audition was good enough they’re going to pay for it all.” In all of Mike’s dreams of going to college, he’d never once imagined he was good enough to go for free. When he was in high school and told his parents he wanted to major in music, they made it seem like a pipe dream, a waste of his time, and something completely unattainable, despite the fact he’d been playing since he could walk. 

Mike took a deep breath and tried to clarify. “Tuition, books, housing, all of it. They think I’m good enough, they want me.” 

It was Chester’s turn to shake his head. “That’s fantastic!” He lept into Mike’s arms, wrapping his whole upper half around his lover’s. His lips went right to Mike’s neck as he kissed him more than once. Mike not only got into the college he wanted, but the money part was taken care of. It was a huge weight off their combined plate. “I’m so proud of you,” Chester whispered to Mike’s ear before a heavy sigh followed. “Congratulations, Sexy Boy.” 

Mike pulled Chester down to the bed with him, his back on the mattress and Chester on top of him, knees on either side of Mike’s hips. He buried his face in Chester’s neck and squeezed his eyes shut, trying hard to keep the tears at bay. “I’m so glad you’re here with me,” he whispered, his mind racing through so many different thoughts. _This moment could have been a whole lot different. This is what I always wanted. And there’s nobody else I want to share it with. Just Chester._ “I love you so much. I can’t believe this is happening. And you’re gonna be there with me while it happens, right?” 

Chester’s eyes popped open. He pulled back enough to rest on his elbows and look Mike in the face. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” He pushed a strand of hair from Mike’s eyes. “Hey, you hear me?” he asked softly. “I’m not going anywhere unless you’re with me.” 

Mike nodded. “It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be a lot of hours and a lot of studying, and the living situation won’t be the best. I won’t be able to give you that closet for a long time, or even more than a couple of burners on the stove. But I want you to be with me. I want to be with you, and I want you to know that even when it’s hard, that’s what I want. Me and you. More than anything else. I don’t want you to doubt that. We might not be able to have everything we want now, but eventually we will. I hope that’s good enough, Ches.” 

He couldn’t stop looking up into Chester’s eyes. “I wanted this so much I almost gave up on us, and it wouldn’t have been the same. It wouldn’t have meant anything to me without you. I know this is probably terrible timing, but I don’t think I’ve ever told you that. I know why we try to avoid talking about what happened, but there’s something else I want you to know now. I want to start this new chapter off without anything left unsaid between us.” Mike loosened his arms from Chester’s waist and stroked his palms up and down the backs of Chester’s legs, keeping their eye contact while he waited a moment to go on. He wanted to be sure this conversation was okay. 

It was a scary moment. The last thing Chester was expecting was for Mike to bring up their messy breakup, or worse, Jason. He hesitated for a second, taking comfort in his boyfriend’s touch before he said, “Okay. We promised we’d be open about how we’re feeling.” He went to get up, to move away so they could both sit up, but Mike clutched onto his legs, holding him still.

“Don’t go,” Mike whispered, his stomach dropping a little. “It’s not bad, I promise. But I need to say it.” He watched Chester nod slowly, and Mike offered a smile in return. “I figured something out a while back, and didn’t really know how to say it. But when I first came to YRS with you, I didn’t understand a lot. I went there because I was insanely in love with you, and I couldn’t stand the thought of you having sex with anyone else. I just didn’t understand, Ches. I thought… well, I thought that sex was always, always like the kind of sex we had.” He waited to see if Chester was following his line of thought. Mike watched the tip of Chester’s tongue lick nervously at his lip ring and went on. 

“You were my first. My only, and I thought sex was always like that. This mind-blowing, earth shattering thing, something deeper than just the physical act. With you it was, it _is_ always more. It’s emotional. Even when we’re going at it hard, Chester, I’m still emotionally connected to you. It has never been purely physical between us, and I really thought it was always like that, for everyone.” He took a deep breath. “I thought it was like that for you and Ryan, too. I didn’t understand.”

The worry from only moments ago was gone. Chester leaned his head down and kissed Mike on his lips - a petal kiss - before he said, “Come on, let’s sit up.” He didn’t let Mike stop him this time. He backed up, and he reached a hand to help Mike sit up, too. “I guess I never thought about anything like that,” Chester admitted, his hand on Mike’s thigh as they sat together. “That you would think it was the same with every person. It’s not,” he stated, even though it was clear Mike had already figured that out for himself. “You’re the only one I’ve ever made love to.”

Mike felt the need to cover his lap with the blanket as he sat there listening. He felt exposed enough without being truly exposed, though there was nothing to be ashamed of. It felt amazing to have Chester admit Mike was the only person he’d felt that way about. 

He reached over and took Chester’s hand, lifting it to his lips for a sweet kiss before he looked up. “You’re the only one I’ve ever made love to, Chester.” Their eyes locked, and he hoped the meaning behind his words would come across without him having to say anything more. “The only one, I swear it to you. I understand now… and I’m sorry for the route I had to take to get to where I could understand.” Then he closed his eyes and nuzzled his face against Chester’s hand. “My heart has always been yours.” 

Chester stayed quiet. He wanted to believe every word Mike had just said, even though that was hard. Mike had stood in front of him and declared his love for Jason. Chester had listened while Mike told Jason he loved him, more times than Chester wanted to remember. It was a hard thing to understand. But the look in Mike’s eyes was earnest, and Chester knew that the sentiment was real. “It’s been better,” he whispered. “Everything’s been better. I promise I’ll be more careful with your heart this time, Mike.” 

It wasn’t the way Mike wanted the conversation to go, and Chester’s expression was guarded. _He doesn’t really believe me. Which is my fault. I wanted to get through this without saying Jay’s name, but Ches doesn’t believe me. I need him to believe me. I need him to understand._ Mike took a deep breath. “It’s not about you being careful, Ches. I don’t think you’re hearing me.” He squeezed Chester’s hand a little tighter and forced himself to keep their eye contact. “I’ve always believed that sex and love were the same thing. When you and I are together, it really is the same thing. It… it was never, never like that… with Jason.” 

There was a pause, and Mike swallowed hard as the mention of Jason’s name brought a shadow to Chester’s eyes. “I called it love because I thought that was the only explanation for what I was feeling. But it wasn’t, and thinking that, saying it felt forced. It was just sex, and the reasons why I allowed myself to get caught up in that aren’t important. That’s what it took for me to understand that sex and love are not the same thing. It was empty with him, Chester, it was just an act. And then I understood how you could say those people at work didn’t mean anything to you.” He stopped, biting down on his bottom lip hard. His heart was pounding as he waited for Chester to say something - anything - to indicate he believed Mike. “I wasn’t _in_ love with him, Ches. I never made love with him. I need to know you believe me.” 

The last thing Chester wanted to do was talk about Jason, or to think about the weeks that he and Mike had spent apart. _But I guess we have to. If there was never love between them, then that should make Jason less scary. I know a lot of what they had together was physical. Mike already told me that._

Chester pulled his piercing in as he sucked on it lightly in thought. He hadn’t been expecting Mike to try and match his comment about only making love to one person, and he hadn’t said it in any attempt to make his boyfriend feel bad or to bring up something that would hurt. “What we have _is_ special,” he stated slowly. “I’m glad you think so, too.” 

He looked away, down at the blanket they were sitting on. The awful pink and silver blanket that reminded him of unicorn vomit. “It’s okay if you loved him. I know you did at least on some level. Fuck, even I love him on some level,” he admitted as he looked up. “I’m glad you know now that there’s a difference. There needs to be a difference,” he stressed as he pointed between the two of them. “It’s always been different for me. _You’ve_ always been different.” He took a deep breath and said, “It’s always felt like you judged me, Mike. For my past. For things at YRS or just in general. I never understood why. It seemed so unfair since those are things I can’t change. But I guess it makes more sense now that you would hate it so much if you thought I was making love with everyone that walked through the doors of YRS. God, no, no, Mike.” 

He smiled as he reached up and touched his lover’s beard. “I hate that we were apart, but maybe it’s good how it worked out. It’s like sushi and cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers are the best - orgasmically amazing,” he said with a wide grin. “But then one day you eat sushi, thinking it will be just like cheeseburgers or maybe even better. And then you realize that nothing is like cheeseburgers. That’s us, Sexy Boy. We’re each other's cheeseburgers, and part of me likes that you had sushi, because now you know not everything is a cheeseburger.” 

Mike felt every part of his spirit lift, all of the worry of Chester not understanding what he meant gone. “I love how your mind works. That’s a perfect way to put it. I wish I could have thought to say it that way. It’s so simple. Not everything is cheeseburgers.” He grinned, turning Chester’s hand over and placing a kiss in his palm, then closing Chester’s fingers around it. “We’re better together. And I’ll protect your heart with every ounce of myself. Because I get it now. What you and I have, it’s something incredible. It’s something we’re lucky to have, and I’m not going to let you go. Not when things get hard, not ever.” He looked up into Chester’s beautiful eyes and smiled. “You’re stuck with me, Chester Bennington.”

“I love being stuck with you.” Chester held back his grin, even though he could feel it pressing through anyway. “And things are going to be okay. We survived YRS,” he decided, flipping his hand through the air. “We broke up, got back together, suffered through my weak-ass ankle, and have lived to see Amir fall in love with Noah.” His hand went back to Mike’s face, his fingers brushing through his boyfriend’s soft beard. “And now you’re going to college. How awesome is that? I can’t wait for more with you.” 

All the excitement and enthusiasm over his acceptance returned full force and Mike agreed wholeheartedly. He was ready to put everything that was sad behind them and focus on the future. Their future. Together. “I’m ready for everything that’s coming, Ches. We’re going to rock this together.” He leaned over, pressing a joyful kiss to Chester’s lips before he let him go. 

“Hell yes, we’re going to rock this,” Chester agreed. Mike’s excitement was contagious, and Chester suddenly felt like he could do a million jumping jacks, if he needed to. “I’ll support you however you need me to! I’ll give you back rubs while you’re practicing, and polish the keys on your piano. I’ll make signs that say, “Sexy Boy for the Win!” and I’ll give you a standing ovation every single night when you’re done practicing.” 

Chester knew that was all over the top, and most of it wouldn’t happen, even though he’d already decided he’d make at least one _Sexy Boy for the Win_ banner. “I’m going to be dating a college guy. Ha. Look at me moving up in the world.” He knocked his fist playfully to Mike’s arm. “The best guy on campus.”

Mike’s whole body shook with laughter. “You _would_ make signs,” he teased back. “Save it for graduation, okay?” He pecked another kiss to Chester’s cheek, then started to sing, “Mike and Chester sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.” It made Mike laugh harder when Chester rolled his eyes and grinned at him. “First comes college, then comes closets!” He knew the order of the children’s song was love, marriage, and children, but college and closets made him giggle uncontrollably. They laughed together for a second and then Mike sang, “then comes marriage and a baby carriage!” 

Chester knew how the children’s song went, and that marriage and the baby carriage were part of it, but it stopped his laughter immediately. He sat up straight. His hand flew through the air and caught Mike’s, raising it a little. His eyes went right to their matching rose gold bracelets, which they never seemed to take off. 

He pulled Mike’s hand closer, kissing his wrist, and then the bracelet that had his name etched into it. “Yes,” he said, locking eyes with Mike. “Then comes marriage and the baby carriage.” 

***  
The End… for now.


End file.
